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15 March 2012
03:36:33*
Kentucky
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Poor me
I am seeking help for myself as I come to the realization that my sister’s gambling problem seems to be much worse than I thought. I hope to talk to her in detail next week (I live three hours away) but I think she is spending much of her savings, selling jewelry, and has had to borrow money. She is single – no children, retired with a small monthly income. She has had extra money coming in and I am afraid that she is spending all of that – it could have been a cushion for her retirement. I know she is aware that she has a problem but I don’t know if the scales have tipped to the point that she thinks she HAS to do something now. I have told her I will help her in any way I can. I know there is a right way and a wrong way to be supportive. I don’t want my support to make it easy for her to continue the path she is on. Not only do I feel burdened by my sister’s situation but my best friend also has a gambling problem and I have been dealing with her for about four years now. I am focusing on my sister at this time.
-- 26/03/2012 13:18:10: post edited by harry.
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15 March 2012
09:04:46*
Missouri
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Re: Poor me
Originally posted by helen phillips
I am seeking help for myself as I come to the realization that my sister’s gambling problem seems to be much worse than I thought ....
... I have told her I will help her in any way I can ...
Good morning Helen, my name is Larry and I am a compulsive gambler, my last bet was August 13, 2009. Welcome to GA, a place that provides help not only for the CG but for the friends and family members of the gamblers, help for the ones that gambling can harm just as much as it does to the ones that are controlled by this addiction.
The forum that will most likely be of the best help for you is the Friends and Family one. There you will find the support of others like you and will be able to learn from them the things that have worked in similar situations. Nevertheless you will be able to find out a lot about your sister's problem here in the My Journal Forum as well, it is good to see this addiction from both sides.
You speak of having a talk with your sister, a type of intervention, the following site may give you some guidance on approaching her, and on helping yourself during this trying times. Read it and use what you think may help you and her: http://www.azccg.org/a_revised/gambles_too_much.htm; the other links on this site also offer helpful information about the problems of gambling.
You also ask about the right way and the wrong way to help your sister, how to help without enabling. First you have to realize that you can not do the work for her, that recovery is something that she has to do, something that she has to have a desire to do. Following is another site that can assist you on the Steps for you to follow, or consider in helping your sister while preserving your own being and still feel that you are doing right in the ways that you provide help. "Anyway you can" needs to have limits and guidelines (see http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Gambling-Addiction/recs/3430-gamanon-info-12-steps).
The most important thing that you need to do in helping your sister is to remain strong and focused on your own sanity, it will do your sister little good if you allow her to tare you down and cause you and your other family members harm. give her the guidance, support, and love, that she needs, but not a feeling that you will do it all, that she doesn't have to anything to help herself. Use the help you can from this site and look into additional help from other support groups such as Gamanon (http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Gambling-Addiction/recs/3430-gamanon-info-12-steps), while you are searching for and providing help for you sister. You might also point her in the direction of a Gamblers Anonymous meeting in your area, http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/locations/state/Mississippi/na/na/na?#gmap-nodemap-gmap0. In addition to the sites that I list, you will find other help sites in the GT option above.
God's speed, use your Higher Power to guide and strengthen you.
Larry
Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's - God, GA, and GT, "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.
-- 16/03/2012 09:59:16: post edited by harry. -- 26/03/2012 13:18:41: post edited by harry.
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15 March 2012
09:51:58*
harry
(Gambling Therapy)
United States
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Re: Poor me
Hi Helen, a warm welcome to the Gambling Therapy Friends and Family forum.
Having found us you have also found a diverse community of other friends and family members who can support you on your recovery journey.
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and non-judgemental environment and by reading others stories am sure you will see that you are very much not alone in the issues that you describe.
To chat with others in real time you may wish to make use of the support groups, the times of these groups are advertised under "What’s on and When" or click here to see the weekly group schedule. Please feel free to use the Friends and Family and also the community Groups.
At present we have 3 dedicated groups for friends & family members. These are at:
Tuesday 20:00 > 21:00 Uk
Wednesday 11:00 > 12:00 Uk
Thursday 21:00 > 22:00 UK
Also to say when you registered we would have sent you an email with an attachment, this attachment will help you navigate the site and find the support you so rightly deserve, alternatively this guide can be downloaded by clicking here.
For one to one chat you may want to try the live advice helpline. Click "connect" when the Advise line is open
Take Care
Harry
Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. -- 26/03/2012 13:19:33: post edited by harry.
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15 March 2012
11:32:52*
Velvet
(Gambling Therapy)
United Kingdom
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Re: Poor me
Hi Helen
Welcome again from me. I’m glad you have started a thread.
You have already had two replies from CGs who are in control of their addiction and I can't think of any better start for you in supporting your sister, than for you to ‘know she can do it’. She will be welcome in ‘My Journal’ forum, CG groups and of course our terrific helpline.
Nothing that is said in an F&F group appears on the forum but I know we covered a lot of ground when we met and if there is anything you want to go over just shout, either on here, or back in a group.
I cannot ever say enough that focussing on ourselves is so important. F&F members are usually caring, trusting and loving and there is a fine line between all those things and enablement but it can be achieved. I think your best friend will also benefit by the effort that you are making to support your sister. Enabling is so difficult for each of us to fathom how it relates to ‘us’ but in the Friends and Family Topic forum, below this forum, the first topic is ‘Enabling’. You can read what other members have said and please feel free to contribute to that or any of the other subjects.
The fact that your sister is single and has no children could be viewed as a bonus but for me the fact that she is a CG and is therefore damaging herself is as important as if she had twenty children. Your sister will be suffering low self-esteem and confidence. She has lost her way and what you can do is direct her but you cannot make her stop gambling unless she wants to.
I am sorry Helen but I do have to rush out now. I just wanted to say ‘hi’ and that I was glad you have found the forum
I will write again later
Velvet -- 26/03/2012 13:19:59: post edited by harry.
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16 March 2012
03:06:37*
Kentucky
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Re: Poor me
Thank you Velvet, Larry, and Paul, sooooo much for the replies. The tears running down my cheeks are in appreciation for the fact that I know you really care about me and others who are affected by gambling. I guess I didn't know how much I wanted to find others who could understand what I am going through. It's kind of lonely when you are the only one who really knows what kind of trouble your friend or loved one is in. Thank you also for pointing me towards other resources that might help. It will take me some time to get to them and absorb what I need to know.
Velvet, my friend with the gambling problem also lives in the same house with me. She has been asking me lots of questions about what I am learning. I told her I wasn't going to be an "enabler" any more. When she told me she was going 1.5 hrs. away today so she could get to a casino where her "self ban" wasn't in effect, she said "I don't guess you would go with me so you could help me come home at a reasonable time? I guess you would consider that enabling". I immediately replied: "that's right" and I won't go.
I look forward to learning more and more and I only know I will make it because there are people available to help me (and my CG friends and loved ones if they choose the help.) Thanks again. -- 26/03/2012 13:20:22: post edited by harry.
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16 March 2012
08:25:40*
United Kingdom
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Re:Poor me
Hello Helen,
We met in the group and I'm glad you have posted here. I just wanted to welcome you and say I know how much of a relief it is to find you are not so alone. I found just being able to talk about it a big help to start with. Learning as much as you can about the addiction and protecting yourself is very important. Its a more powerful addiction than I realised at the outset but we are also stronger than we may have thought at first too. Good luck with your journey.
Jilly -- 26/03/2012 13:20:42: post edited by harry.
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16 March 2012
11:06:30*
Velvet
(Gambling Therapy)
United Kingdom
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Re: Poor me
Dear Helen
In my opinion taking a CG to a casino to bring them home (in her words) ‘at a reasonable time’ would have been enabling - so well done, you are understanding how to support in the opposite way from that which a caring person expects to support. Your friend will not understand because it does not suit her addiction to understand.
I tried to explain the head full of water in the group and I don’t know if I explained it all. When we talk logically and reasonable to a CG is it as though we are talking through water. They see our lips move they hear the noise but the distortion in their brain twists the meaning of what we say – hence the waste of breath shouting at or remonstrating with a person with the addiction to gamble. Although it is understandable why tempers get frayed the sooner we learn to stay calm, for our own sakes (and theirs) the better.
A CG is emotionally immature. To live without their addiction takes tremendous courage and none of us knows how we would handle it if we owned it. It is incredibly sad that they cannot gamble responsibly - but it is a fact. There is probably not one F&F person who hasn’t asked ‘but why don’t you just ……?’ and probably not a CG who can answer. A CG needs treatment – the right treatment. They need kindness dealt in a different form from that which non-CGs feel is kindness. They need the non-CG to be strong against their addiction – to stand beside them, as it were, instead of shouting at them, which is what you did when you said ‘that’s right, I won’t go’. You were, in my opinion, talking directly to her addiction whilst offering your friend your love.
The more knowledge we can gain about this addiction the more we are able to cope with it.
It is indeed the loneliest place when you feel that you are the only one who is going through hell on earth with a CG. It is equally lonely to be a CG, believing that nobody understands the hell that they are going through, which is why other CGs and dedicated counsellors are an important part of a CG's recovery.
It is indeed a fine line we walk and not a line we want to walk. It is great to read that you know that ‘you’ will make it. For a CG to want to live a life that is gamble-free they have to accept responsibility for the wreckage that their addiction has caused. I think if we allow ourselves to be part of the wreckage, we make their leap of faith of more difficult.
I will not live in the shadow of the addiction to gamble again is not to say I will not love my son for ever but it is to stand beside him in his daily affirmation that he will, for today, be gamble-free. He trusts me to respect that he is a CG, through no fault of his own - but he also knows I cannot live with his addiction if it is active.
I think it is good that your friend knows that you have taken the time and effort to seek help for an addiction that you do not own. Communication is great. You are not condemning her but you are standing alongside her, if she should choose to come with you. She will struggle because it is not an easy fight, if it was this site would not exist.
Well done on your positive response
Velvet -- 26/03/2012 13:21:04: post edited by harry.
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16 March 2012
21:08:55*
Kentucky
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Re: Poor me
Thanks Jilly and Velvet again for your support. My friend has been gone for 28 hours now and all but the 1.5 hr. drive are in the casino. She checks in with me every now and again and is excited that this time she is "winning" so she can't leave. Unfortunately, I have to confess that I loaned her money (now I know I "enabled" her to keep gambling) when she got in a big hole a the casino last time - CG's are slick - she offered me interest on the loan that was much better that I could get most places but cheaper for her than if she took out a loan from her credit card company. So part of her excitement is that she will be able to bring home some money to pay on her debt - kind of like I should be proud of her. I've tried not to say anything positive about her experience. I have to hope that when she does leave that she can stay awake to get home safely since she is sleep deprived.
One good thing about my friend, she will always listen to what I say, no arguements (because they wouldn't do any good), but it doesn't mean she will act on anything the way I would like. She understands that I will continue to always be on the side of her staying out of casinos but knowing that she will gamble until she decides not to.
That is my update for now. I hope everyone is doing well. -- 26/03/2012 13:21:30: post edited by harry.
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16 March 2012
21:54:44*
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Re: Poor me
Hi Helen, Glad to see a new member here as you will gain so much from this site and the wonderful people here. I know I have been able to focus on my recovery instead of worrying so much about my father who is a cg. I learned there is no magic cure for a cg to stop and there is nothing I could ever do or say that will make them stop. Suddenly with this realization the pressure I was placing on myself was lifted. Of course, it is not easy to detach or not enable anymore but once you do. You see the poweful effects. I don't think you should loan your friend anymore money. As you have said this is still enablement. If she doesn't have the money then she shouldn't gamble. If she is that deperate to gamble and wants to use her credit card, let her. When we enable we prevent the cg from hitting rock bottom but of course we do things when we are ready. Unfortunately the addiction gets worst as time passes. It gets more demanding and selfish and will do anything for the bet. Take care, Twilight
(I believe we get our greatest strength from the hardest obstacles) -- 26/03/2012 13:21:50: post edited by harry.
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17 March 2012
13:52:17*
Kentucky
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Re: Poor me
Thank you t16 for your post. I've been reading more materials about CG's and families of CG's and questions to answer to see if you are or are living with a CG. My sister and best friend seem very close to being CG's but I'm not sure they are full blown. My thinking is that it doesn't matter whether they've crossed the line to having enough of the concerns on "the list" to qualify as a CG as much as the fact that I know things are looking scary to me. My biggest concern at this time is both have been dipping in to savings pretty heavily (4 figures) and keep going. They get scared for a brief moment and then seem to get over it. Am I right to be very concerned about my sis and best friend even if they might not have crossed the line to being officially a "CG"? I am approaching everything as if they are CG's. -- 26/03/2012 13:22:11: post edited by harry.
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