I was right. I did not gamble yesterday. I made it through the morning and got into work on time ( which never happens if I am engaged in a morning bender) and although I had a bad day with one of my co workers ( who is a total ass and likes to try and vent all if his pent up anger on me constantly) I stayed at work, finished my day and came home. My issue started when I came home. I am a bit of an odd duck when it comes to my home. I spent some time in my teen years in foster homes. I had a point in my life where I was homeless at 16 and living in a hostel in Toronto. I finally found a place where I could stay but had to pay rent and so I have been working to support myself for most of my adult life. I consider my home as my sanctuary. I dont like people to just drop in. I can have people over but it takes a bit of mental preparation and usually a lot of fussing before I feel comfortable. If I need something fixed, it takes a while before I am comfortable with having someone I dont know come in. It’s my “thing”. I have a daughter with multiple “things”. I came home yesterday to find that she had had someone over to the house. She knows how I am and still disregarded my feelings. I came home to a place that I could not feel comfortable in and did not sleep well. I am still dealing with the feelings today and realize that my gambling has made these feelings even more intense since this is the place where my secret is. I gamble at home. My house is in a bit of a disarray at this point because we had covid last month and hadnt taken down the Christmas tree and decorations and they are now waiting to back in the garage everywhere I need to vaccuum badly but havent had much time lately working the two jobs and gambling when I had spare time. I realize that I need to get some things done and started this morning but I cant shake the feeling of being violated. If my daughter has this little respect for the toll having someone in without me being prepared has, how do you think she would treat me or respect me if she knew about my addiction? I will stay strong today. The feelings I am still processing have left me unable to even think about trying to relax and that is what I need to do to get my mind into gambling mode. Perhaps she did me a favor? I hope everyone is strong today.
