Hi All,
So he has left..and i didnt even cry!!!!
I have to say, i saw the photo of the mother and from now on i am calling her fester…(uncle fester..addams family) The relief i felt when i saw it was unbelieveable. I dont know if it is a normal thought to be threatened by her, not that i am anymore. But thats how i felt and i needed to see exactly what i believed to be ‘up against’. Yes, Marilee, we have so many unanswered questions about the whole situation but to be frank, i dont care what she went through (fester that is), i cannot sympathise with her for one second. They have had 15 years to adjust, decide what they were going to do. We have had 3 days. She is doing what is best for HER daughter, thats all well and good but every thought in my head revolves around my children. The anger has gone, to an extent, but when i think of them, i feel absolutely nothing. Well, not nothing, i dont know what i feel to be honest but not one thought is positive.
As for the one night stand, yes, according to Dames it was…i have told him i have to believe he was so drunk he didnt know what he was doing and i dont want to know if it was any different.
We had an absolutely rip snorting screaming fight last night…he was in the shower, he came home with an attitude and i went in there and gave it to him. We needed it, i told him that he f***** her and made a baby and now we have to live with that, with his actions…he went balistic and said that he would have to live with this for the rest of his life…and with that came the taunts from his friends, his family and anyone else. We both ended up hysterical…I told him that the only people that matter was him and me, all the others can go to hell.
Once it calmed down, we talked, he told me what he was feeling, how he was scared to lose everything. I told him he wasnt losing us, we love him and can face anything that comes.
I cannot think of that young girl…my head tells me its not her fault, she didnt ask to be born, but i cannot imagine her walking into my house, ever…maybe that will change, after all, im feeling much more positive today, not for the situation, but for my relationship. I told my sister last night, she said that it has nothing to do with me, i am just affected by it and shes right. I dont have to do anything i dont want to do.
Unfortunately, my reality is not going to change…i dont have the ability yet to change my perception, im sure that will come in time, and if it doesnt, well ill worry about it then. The worst is over, nothing can be as bad as Tuesday night. Dames and i have decided we need to be kind to each other, stick together and work on OUR family. Thats all i can do at the moment, as for fester, i truly hope she is feeling as sick and upset as i have been. She is seeing things from her perspective, i have to wonder if there is another agenda there. If she is having as much trouble with this girl as she says..maybe shes looking to pass the buck, maybe she thinks that this meeting will change her daughters (and her) life. Well, she has changed my life. This is going to take me a long time to work through, my emotions are still very raw, as im sure you can see, im changing my mind every 5 minutes.
As for my gambling, its day 29, i have to say, the thought comes into my head for about half a second and it is gone, my head is too full of everything else at the moment to worry about it. So thats one blessing i guess???
Thanks to all who posted. You know its appreciated, every one makes me feel a little better.
Ill let you know how it went…Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time
