[bettie]

Today is my first day here. I was really suprised that so many people feel like they want to die after binge gambling. I am just shocked, I thought it was just me!

Of all the things in my life I must say I’ve never felt lower than I do right now. I am being threatned with forclusure and I haven’t been ontime with a bill in months. 

I have loved to gamble since I was a child. Pitching pennies was the start for me. I went to Atlantic City when I was 19, I looked older, and I spent the whole day on $50 bucks, food included. What a blast!

I played video poker in the bars at 21. It’s not legal but if you are known at the bar all you did was ask the bartender if they "paid out". They took a note of your score on a little pad of paper, shut the machine off, then paid you out.

Now you might get the impression that I have gambled all my life. The occasional lotto ticket was the majority of my gambling. I made my first trip to Vegas 16 years ago when my sister paid for the trip. She got married and needed a sitter for her daughter. I got to play "Real" machines and loved it!

This went on for a few years, the annual trip, 100.00 a day budget. Controlled, fun, hoping for a big win. About 16 years ago the "boats" open in Indiana. I had offers to go but declined. I knew I didn’t have the money to spend and somehow I knew I liked it too much. This changed about 5 years ago when a group of work friends were going and invited me along. I was hooked! It started with going 1-2 times weekly after that. I started racking up debt but refinanced my home, took a home equity loan, and built a great credit record. Credit card companys gave me ten – twenty thousand dollar limits and cash advance checks with no interest for a year. I would gamble, get crazy, then cover it with a check.

I think the real problem gambling started about 4 years ago. I won ten thousand dollars. Like every other gambler I was going to do great things with it. It lasted about a month. I paid some debt, gave some to my daughter, and blew the rest. In the last 4 years I got about eighty thousand dollars in debt, all credit cards. You would have thought they would have cut me off. I knew just how to move that debt so it was building my credit up.

I find that I barely make enough to pay just the basics. I was living on those credit cards. I started working a second job but I don’t have any money for food and gas this week.I spend money that I need to pay bills. My daughter has been helping me out, not realizing she’s been supporting my habit. I lie, sneek around, avoid family and the few friends I have in order to gamble. I know I have to quit, I have never tried before. I keep thinking I can go back to the yearly trip to Vegas but I know that’s folly. I don’t want to ban myself because I want my free hotel rooms and steak dinners. I know this is false, they have never given me a thing, I paid for it all and then some! This is the start of my journey. I don’t want to EVER feel this way again. I am ashamed and just want to hide from it all. I planned to try a meeting today. I am making excuses and won’t make myself go. Maybe Thursday, I only work 1/2 a day. Thats a trigger time for me. I won’t gamble today. Tomorrow I work both jobs and won’t have the desire then either. Wednesday is a problem.  You all sound like friends. I hope to be in your good company too. Thanks for reading my book!

— 7/19/2012 7:39:45 PM: post edited by bettie.

[salina]

Hi bettie,
Well I just read your post. I have been coming here since Jan 2010. I hate to say it but I woke up on sunday feeling the same way. Again!  I have felt so bad so many times but continue to end up at the casino just one last time. It doesnt work bettie.
This site has really been a great outlet for me. Its my only outlet as I have not yet shared my "secret" to anyone. Not even my husband of 30 years.  I know from all the support and helpline that it is so important to tell the truth. Not just about the cg problem but all the lies that go with it. I will get to that point I am just taking a while to come to terms with just telling myself. 
It is great that you have realized you need some help. This is a GREAT place to come, share, vent, and unload all those scary hopeless feelings that go with the gamblin binge.
My story is long as I am sure yours is to, but the bottom line is we both have a problem. A problem that can only be fixed by going through all the GA steps and that includes admitting we have a problem. For some of us it takes longer than others and everyones bottom is different. Bankruptcy, foreclosure, loss of jobs, friends, and most of all our dignity seems to be shared by all. So when I start thinkin I am not like everyone here, I am different, I remember how my life has spun out of control like everyone else here, and it isnt coincidence. It is the consequences of being a cg.
I hope you keep comin back and share. There are so many great people here to help us through this. It really is a great start for you so dont give up, dont beat yourself up any longer.   I have learned that I should not think about what I have done but what I am going to do to move on and stop the madness.
Wishing you were dead is a scary thought. It freaks me out that I have gone there in my head more than once. Just remember that those same strong feelings are tellin you to make a change. Not next year or next month or even next week. Just for today bettie. Start today! 
Best wishes.. my thoughts are definately with you and always keep my grandmothers words in your mind..
"This too shall pass"this to shall pass

[Dunc]

Hi Bettie, A Warm Welcome to Gambling Therapy
Having found us you have also found a diverse community who can help and support you on your recovery journey.
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and non-judgemental environment and by reading others stories am sure you will see that you are very much not alone in the issues that you describe.
Please click here to see our services page, feel free to use all that this site can offer…
To chat with others in real time you may wish to make use of the support groups, the times of these groups are advertised under "What’s on and When" or click here to see the weekly group schedule.
For one to one chat you may want to try the live advice helpline. Click "connect" when these options become available.
 
Take Care
Harry"You may never know what results come from your actions.  But if you do nothing there will be no result".  – Mahatma Gandi

[kin]

Dear Beattie,
Happy to see you here, 
Have Faith in recovery
Do not give up recovery
" Faith is to believe what you do not see;
   the reward of this faith is to see what you believe."
Faith isn’t the absence of fear but the courage to walk through it
Do nothing and nothing will happen
By changing attitudes, you too, can regain a new sense of hope, serenity, freedom and joy
 
may you have a smoother and more successful recovery journey
 
Gambling only adds to the pain,  
its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …
the  side affects actually make the original pain worse

I must remember to count my blessing

 — 2/23/2010 8:18:01 AM: post edited by kin.

[bettie]

I’m back. Just got home from work. Tried to get a loan aganist my car. Even with the bankrupcy my debt to income is too high for a secured loan. I have my bills on the table, afraid to open them. I have a hardship withdrawl comming from my retirement plan and need that to catch up the mortgage. I don’t know what to do about the rest but I spent my last two checks at the boat and have to repay my daughter at least some of what I owe her. She has bills too.
Not gambleing, the only good thing about being broke!lol! I have to make myself work out now, good for the mind and sole.
Tomorrow is another day but a trigger time. MUST go to GA tomorrow. Need to give my checkbooks to my daughter so I can’t float a hot check tomorrow to gamble.

[bettie]

Opened the bills, could be worse. Have to call 2nd mtg company to work out a plan. Don’t want to sleep in my car.
Did my workout. Going on with my life.

[cully21]

Hi Bettie:
My screen name is Cully21. I offer you a warm welcome here and I am glad you found this site. I believe I met you in group today. I look forward to meeting you more. You are welcome to visit my thread “New Wild Hair Gambling Procedure.” The community here has been very accepting of me and I have vented an awful lot about a lot of different things.
I have re-wrote this post several times and it came out long. I have a tendency to do that. Right now I am working on homework. I am a 43 year old male CG who works full time and goes to grad school ¾ time.
As far as the suicidal thoughts, I have dealt with them on both sides of the spectrum. I have dealt with PTSD, major depression, and anxiety due to a serious work accident 11 years ago. And yes, I have had those thoughts flash by after horrible gambling binges. It is not an option for me though since my former-ex wife committed suicide a year ago in February. We were married 21 years, divorced 2 years ago, she remarried for 6 months, and we were not on good terms, but she was part of more than half my life. Me and my kids will never  be the same. I have a 23 year old daughter, a son who will soon be 21, and a daughter who is 18. My youngest lived with me for the past 2 years. I was moving on after the divorce fairly well, then the suicide re-dug a lot of stuff back up. That will be a lifetime recovery as well I suppose. The lady and the shock of what she did still hits me when I get out of be every morning. 30,000 people commit suicide in the U.S. each year, and this is a conservative number. For each person who commits suicide, at least 6 survivors are left behind, which is also a conservative number. I figured she left around 18. Also, statistics show that survivors are at higher risk of suicide at some point in there lives than non-survivors. Also, there are sources that claim that CG carries the highest suicide rate than all other addictions and CG is the second cause of suicide next to mental illness. I was so focused on dealing with depression risks and the risks of being a survivor and my kids, I did not realize I jumped into another high risk pool But as a recovering CG, I too am a survivor. I praise God for that. I don’t understand a lot of things, but I will praise him. He has walked me through a lot of stuff and he will continue to do so. Free will is something else. We have free will to do the right thing and the wrong thing. I have done both.
She too was facing foreclosure. It was not from gambling, but she was suffering from mental illness, a work injury herself, and got into a bad relationship. She was a medical professional, another high risk group, but that is what baffles me. She had so much talent and wisdom in that field and witnessed the devastation of death and suicide herself. I don’t understand it and you if you read my posts, you will see that I vent sometimes.
This is a good site and a good community. We all have baggage here and it is a safe place. I am glad you found us. We are all here for you.
Oh yeah. One thing I noticed that you and Salina mentioned that really stuck out. You both talked about waking up with thoughts of death. I don’t know if there is any correlation, but I have noticed dealing with my depression for 11 years. These thoughts would often come when I would wake up but try to force myself back to sleep. And sleep is a common escape of depression. But when I would finally get up, the thoughts would subside or go away and I would wonder how in the world I could think such thoughts. Depression has a vicious cycle. But for me, trying to not get up seemed to fan these thoughts. Again. I don’t know if there is any correlation with trying to force sleep and suicidal thoughts or not.
While I have had many challenges, I have overcome many obstacles as well. Some of it doesn’t make much sense, but God continues to walk me through it.
Well this looks like another long post. Sorry about that. It was nice to meet you in group today and I think the open chat that will start this Saturday will be promising.
The title of your post is eye catching, but I would keep it. There are many here who can relate and share with you and may it be a testimony of a successfull recovery for you.
God Bless and welcome to our community,
Cully21

[bettie]

Cully21, so glad to see you here tonight! I read alot of your posts yesterday and am impressed with your strength to keep on keeping on! Again, I really did think I was the only one who felt that way.
I have to go to bed but just wanted to say a quick thanks and I’ll try to post tomorrow.

[p]

Hey Bettie
Hang in there, keep coming back here, post , read go on group the one on one helpline.  Do all you can to help yourself, self ban if you can? You will not be alone here, you will be so supported, everyone here is in the same boat. i am not gambling, something i didnt think possible a while back.  Ive been where you are, it gets better, it really does!
 
 P – living and learning

[ltlasia]

hi Bettie,
You are not alone, you are now in a good place,keep reading and posting here and you will see the difference in you.
It hurts  now and you don’t know where to start but actually you started it already by accepting all the damages gambling has done to our life.You already know that you need help and we are here for you to help because we needed help also.
Reading other people’s note,gives me a lot of idea on how can i change my life for the better.All of us started feeling bad about ourselves and broke,few days,weeks months and years pass by all the people struggling and want to change, their life is better now and they have peace.
One day at a time and don’t be  hard on yourself.
ltlasia
 hopeful

[bettie]

I’m home, got the mail, 5 ad’s for next months promos. Tore some up, need to do the rest. I keep thinking in a few weeks I’ll have money, just $100, was supost to get a room for my birthday and stay over with my daughter. I know she is dissapointed we can’t do that now. I still want to. WHY???!!!! I can’t believe how much I want to float a check or call my gambling buddy to go. It’s only been 3 days since I wasted my check I didn’t even have yet. Need to call someone who doesn’t gamble. Need to go to the GA meeting I found. Afraid to get in the car. If I stay home I’m safe. Need to call someone now!

[bettie]

Never made it off line. Looking for inspritation and found some! The slot machine is like my substitute lover, nonjudgemental, takes what he wants, then tosses me aside! I wonder why I have not found a meaningful relationship in the last 15 years. I accept the same treatment from men that I do from the slot machine!
I didn’t call anyone because I want to call my gambling buddy. I had to rethink that. Hard not to think about tomorrow, I am worried about 2 weeks from now! Stinkin’ thinkin’!
Thanks for the support Vera, I prayed someone would reply and here you were! Answer to my prayer!

[vera]

Bettie! Somebody said “Pray as if everything depends on God,and act as if everything depends on you”! “ACT” is the operative word here…(pray too, of course). We can talk and pray all we like, but not until we put our thoughts into actions will we see changes!….Abusive lovers, in real life and in “slot” life can be kept at a distance, and while we are travelling the Recovery Road, maybe we will learn that we deserve better treatment than the type we have tolerated up to now. More to life than gambling Bettie! Much more! I’m trying to convince myself of that. I must be honest and and admit, I have so far not found a replacement for the “buzz”, but maybe I will just have to learn without it….one day at a time!….all the sevens

[p]

hi bettie
I just wanted to drop in and say hi i hope you are doing ok, no matter what just come back here and post and talk to us  at least you know we are all with you and it so much better to go through this with others in the same boatP – living and learning

[bettie]

Hi P,
Just got done working out, have to laugh at myself. I do everything compusively! When I’m on my "square" I can be so good! I have lost over 100lbs in the last two years, on my own. No, no bindge dieting, hard work, eating well. I am diabetic and was killing myself with food. I still need to lose more weight , I gained 10 lbs over the holidays, decited to "take the holidays off this year’. Mistake! So hopefully I can find the same resolve to gambling before it beats me!
I’m home, I’m safe and I thank you, I thank you all. One day at a time…..

[vera]

Bettie. Please give me a few tips! I’m way overweight. Weighed myself three days ago. 74 kilos!!!! Help please. I should be nine stone…

[bettie]

Vera,
Here’s a story I’m proud to share.
Back in 2007 I had a fissure, ( a tear in the anus-not pretty! ) I had to have surgery to correct it. I was on my back for 2 months trying to heal.( I still went to the casino, hurt like heck! lol!) I don’t know kilos but I weighed around 330 lbs (I should be around 140) I had given up, knew I wouldn’t live to see 50.My doctor wanted to put me on an insulin pump-24/7 attached to a little machine. (I did get approved for gastric bypass but researched enough to know it wasn’t for me. At that time 1 in 200 gained it all back. I know me, I would be the one!) That was August of 2007. Light bulb moment! I watched this disease kill my dad, It wasn’t going to happen to me.About that time a man i knew took an interest in me too-big, fat ugly unworthly me! He talked to me, told me I was beautiful and he wanted to see me live. It started out for him, it ended up for me. What ever gets you there, you know?
I started to "watch" what I ate, no real diet. I have spent enough on Weight Watchers to know how to eat. 3 meals, 3 snacks, fruit vegatables, lean meats, lots of chicken, no skin. No frying! Replace "white" foods as much as possible, replace with whole grains, wheat pasta, etc. Sweets make you want more sweets and can start a binge.I refuse to be hungry and at 330 lbs you need 11 calories per pound just to maintain your weight (3300 calories a day!) So just by cutting back, eating better, watching the amount of fat (no trans fats!) I lost about 30 lbs in 4 months. At 45 I couldn’t loose like I did when I was young so another friend harrased me about excerise. I whipped out the old Richard Simmons tape I had used 15 years ago but the VCR broke! Just by chance I found Leslie Sansone’s 1 mile walk for diabetics so I thought, I could do that. I took that one day at a time, every day, and added more miles when I felt strong. She has a web sight, walk at home.com, Anyways, I have stalled this past year but by now I usually have gained it all back plus some! I lost more than this back in 1993. In 1994 my daughter was hit by a car and almost killed. I stoped excersing, I gained it all back in about two years. When we neglect ourselfs, bad things happen! She took about 1 year to recover. Right now she has severe back problems, spinal deteration, from the accident. She may need surgery.Thats another story!
I have pretty much maintained this past year but my blood tests aren’t as good as last year. I am off about 1/2 my medicine. I would like to dump it all! I have been really bad about working out. With this "Gambling Depression" I can’t seem to get up early enough to work out. By the evening I’m too tired but I have done Saturday and Sunday am, Tuesday and Wednesday ( tonight) pm. I usually do a 3-4 mile workout in the am. PM 2 miles are about the best I can do but I have and it helps everything! ( and I still don’t love it but am so glad when I do it). You see, I am trying to find that middle ground. I always did all or none. if I ate cake not only was my day ruined, I was off my "diet" for the rest of the week. Then I quit! I can have cake, 1 piece, but it is a trigger so I don’t have it in the house. All good food here. I have low fat treats (ice cream bars) 100 calories plus fiber but nothing else. Too tempting! But it is just me and the kittys so they don’t want chips around.
So what does this have to do with CG? It’s really about behaviour. I am a complusive person! But maybe I can be compulsive about good habits instead of just bad ones!
Thank you for asking Vera and I hope you got some tips.
I stayed home, almost bed time, made it through today. Tomorrow is a new day, less of a trigger day, not a day I "Always" went to the casino so It should not be too bad. Today I am thankful….
Bettie

[kathryn]

Wow Bettie,
What a story.  I was totally involved with it and was oohing and aahing in all the right places.  You may be compulsive, but you have learnt to overcome that with your food.  The same principle applies here, you got through today, you can get through tomorrow, its just another ‘today’.
Take care, great to see you posting,
Bye for now, Kathryn xxxSometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

[bettie]

Hi all,
I just checked my account and guess what? I got the distribution I was looking for from my retirement plan! I will not, not, not NOT go to the casino today! I have to get a cashier check to avoid forclosure. That will be done TODAY! My car has to go to the shop and I need my licence plates.
Need to go to my pt job. I will call my daughter, set up barriers for tonight, get this money spent on the "right" things today and avoid temptation. "Just 100.00"keeps rolling through my head.
Need to move, my resolve is strong today, I can’t ask for more that. Strong for today, that is a blessing. Need to count that blessing!
bettie
ps. another barrier to think about. I am a banker and we can set your debit card to purchase only, or change your limit to $50 for cash. Mine used to be 2000,00 cash! I almost spent all of that once at the casino so my limit now is 500.00. Need to change that to 50.00 when I go back on Friday. You can also "opt out" so you can’t overdraw. I used to see customers come in overdrawn , debit after debit, for 20-40 dollars. We charge $37.00 for each one. I had no mercy and never reversed a fee. I figured that if they could pay the casino they could pay the bank.( maybe I didn’t want to be an enabeler??) I never thought that one day that would be me!

[coalminer]

Hi Bette–
Interesting on the limits on cards.  In all the years I’ve had making withdrawals I never knew it could be raised.  Glad I didn’t know. I always carry checks in my wallet just so I could get cash beyond the ATMs.  Crazy.
I hope you were/are able to put aside the money. I had some money come in yesterday and normally would have immediately plotted my next "business" meeting near the boats.  But instead I applied all of it to 1 credit card. It sucks knowing that’s only 1 of 8 but still a start.
Man I love this site.  Best wishes.

[howanan]

Hi Bette, Keep that determination.  Get that cashiers check and set up those barriers.  Don’t throw your retitement money in a slot trash can………..Keep strong..NancyLearning from the past is useful.  Dwelling on the past is destructive…

[bettie]

Thanks howana.
Coalminer, Hope I didn’t plant a seed! Down with the limits not up!!!!!lol!
We do look at your account activity when you ask for an increase. If you od all the time we won’t do it.
Got to go to work.
Keep posting!
Bettie

[bettie]

Hi All,
Stayed safe today, tempted, stayed busy. set boundrys, invited company over, had a good time!
Peace
bettie

[howanan]

Bettie,  It is important to keep busy and find other things to replace the gambling.  Keep it up you are doing great…NancyLearning from the past is useful.  Dwelling on the past is destructive…

[salina]

Hi bettie
I got a chance to read your story. I knew I like you from your first post. Now that i kind of know your story i really like you and admire your honesty and tenacity.  You have lost a lot of weight, you realize you are a compulsive person. I know you will conquer this whole cg thing. I mean  you have proven to me, and I really dont know you, that you can do anything you set your mind to.
I am a pe teacher. A health, drug and alcohol prevention coordinator. You keep up that exercising no matter what. Regardless of everything else, your diabetes  and your weight issue are so so important for your overall well being.
I am confident that you have everything it takes to fight this one other compulsive behavior..you are so much stronger that you are giving yourself credit for.
Thanks for all your support, and reminding me that I am not a hypacrit but an inspiration that made me feel good!
maybe i ll see you at group tomorrow bettie be good to yourself you deserve it
 this to shall pass

[p]

Hi Bettie
Nice to see you didnt gamble. way to go
 P – living and learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the posts! Did ok today, little temptions today but not a trigger day. Still have $$ sitting in my account, trying to figureout how to get the most bills paid. Worked on a budget, helps to see it all on paper. I still have that "just 100.00" thing running in my head but I keep telling myself that would pay my late cell phone bill. I made a "deal’ with myself. I keep telling myself I can’t go and that makes me sad, like a little kid being told no so now I am telling myself i can go gambling when all bills, personal loans, and mtg’s are paid up and $$ is in savings and I have made a trip to see my nieces and my car is running properly. That should carry me into next year!
I really hope that thought carries me through the weekend. I expect tomorrow to be tough. I am a pesamist but thats not always the worse thing, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Very glad to see 48 hour chat, that should help!
Ok, someone help me with the time change. I am in a central time zone. I think I am 5 hours behind?? Sorry, I have never traveled far and most midwesteners think the world revolves around them and only the rest of the world has an accent. lol!
Salina, I see you as a friend too! I am so glad you feel the same! I find myself wishing I could fly to CA and help you ban! ( yea, because I’m so perfect now, haha!) ( like I’ve banned myself!) I am high on a 5 day no gamble binge! I’m sure I could "fail" at anytime and don’t want to think that way, like a self fulfulling profitcy ( can’t spell, can’t figureout spell check!).
Nancy, thanks for the support! I went to dinner with my brother, had dessert too!(Sorry Salina, bad for the diet!!)
I do need that hobby, any suggestions??
Peace
bettie
 

[donnadonut]

Hi Betty,
I just read your post today, you are doing great, well done!  Posting and reading on here definitely helps.  Well done on losing weight, I know how you feel about the addictive personality thing, I am with you on that!  Need to channel that into positive things as you have done.
D x

[velvet]

Hi Bettie
Just popped over from F&F to say it was great to meet you in the new chat room this morning.  Hope to see you in there again soon xx
Love
Velvet xx

[bettie]

Hi Guys, Saturday afternoon, doing 4 loads of wash I couldn’t do last week due to no money for quarters! This will take awhile.
Daughter is on her way over. DMV gave me an extention for my plates, My car won’t pass emmissions test. I thought for sure I would be without a car next week! What do you know, something worked out and things are looking up! Yea!
Gotta stay busy. Saturday is a "casino" night. Hope daughter stays late!!!! Will look at chat soon too!
Peace
bettie

[ddsroad]

Hi Bettie,
Nice to meet you this morning on the chat.  Looks like you are making progress.  As we all know, it is slow, but we can do it one day at a time!  I’m glad you’ve come to this site.  I have found it and the people absolutely wonderful.  Stay strong tonight!  Weekends are my tough time too, so I know how you feel.  We’re here for you!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

[bettie]

Hi DD, Hi Everyone,
Didn’t plan to confess but I blew it yesterday. What’s the saying, The road to hell is paived with good intentions? The plan to gamble has been in my mind since Wednesday, since $$ went to my account. I talked, I posted, I placed (some) barriers, but I failed counting on other people to call me to keep me home. I did leave casino when my daughter called. She was over but left with her boyfriend. I resent him. When she moved back to the area I thought we would spend more time together but I’m out ranked!
I must not blame my "support system". I have been somewhat of a loaner, not by choice, but everyone thinks I have this great soical life. My social life is basicly being with a man who is "seperated"and has 8 kids by 4 woman. He doesn’t want a "relationship". Even he doesn’t think I’m good enough for him! The rest of my "social life" consists of going to the casino. If I stop, what am I going to do?? Sit around here and eat??
Can you say pitty party?? Crying now, feeling useless!
Got a wake up call from CC Company. I went over limit on my card at the boat 3 weeks ago so now they wake my stupid *ss out of bed on Sunday mornings to make sure that they will get at least a minimal payment.
Should go on open chat, too ashamed to do that too. See, even I knew I was being smug and my head kept telling me don’t brag, you will fail and how are you ever going to tell anyone?
I do this when I try to quit smoking. I won’t tell anyone because I expect to fail and just don’t want to see their dissapointment in their faces or hear the "I told you so" . I don’t want any accountabality! Immature reaction? You’re right!
If I could find the courage to ban I know I would keep my money where it should be. I have a large amount from a retirement plan coming in May. My retirement money is almost gone. I know I will have to work until I die and won’t ever retire. My fault!
I could keep whinning but even I’m sick of hearing it!
Got to stop crying, check my blood sugar, sky high I’m sure because I went on an eating binge after the casino binge!
I may not have to wish myself dead if I eat like that because it just might kill me! Funny, how can you not want to die but wish you were dead???????????????????
wishing you peace, hoping i can find some
bettie

[ltlasia]

Hi Bettie,
What is done is done and you will not be able get it back.Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you are here and trying to help yourself and this is what you want.Forgive yourself and move on, do the first right thing that come up your mind.
I always read other people’s thread and it helps me stay strong because I can see what will happen once i go back to casino.It is hard but a little prayer and faith will help.
There are so many things you can do when you are alone because you own your time,just start looking around.
I hope you will find peace and serenity.
ltlasiahopeful

[bettie]

Hi Vera
yea, chat went down,my" friend" stopped by so timing was good. He suprised me. He is not good for me but some times i just want to feel something besides numb.
I don’t know what the health care system is there but even with insurance my medical bill are very high. Co payments are outageous but i get a pay roll deduction that is placed into a credit card for medical only. That saves me because I am insulin dependent and would spend money at the casino before buying medicine. That is how serious this cg is.
Call a lawyer about this money stuff. I’m sure the law is different there than here. If repayment is unrealistic there may be a better way. At a mininum you may be able to repay with out the burden of paying interest on that loan. here i know that they can’t get retirement income.
Tomorrow starts a new week. I can see I must must must do a better job of protecting myself from this toxic life.
I have got to stop stressing about my job. I must realease my brain from the stress I put in there and find an outlet for my idle time. So much can be done for free. Maybe I’ll get a new library card. Haven’t had one in years. Look at the self help books. I should have been a doctor. I can figure out the problems but not the cure.
This was in my horoscope today.
"Its one thing to know where you want to go, it’s another thing entirely to have the wisdom to actually get there."
Peace
bettie 

[bettie]

How do you make a profile signature??

[female g]

hope the day comes for you that will see you happy soon.  Mice to have chatted and we are all here for each other. One day at a timeG

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

How do you make a profile signature??

Good morning Bettie, my name is Larry (screen name paul315) and I am a Compulsive Gambler, my last bet was Aug 13, 2009. I haven’t posted to you before but have been reading your sharing. 
In answer to your question above; in the right hand corner of the orange heading there is a option for Your Profile, click on it and follow instructions.
You can also find other instructions throughout this site and in all the post from others, ones concerning your future profile of being gambling free; most of the information is repeated many times by each of us, but repetition is one of the better ways of learning, so keep reading and posting -participate. Bare with us and learn from the lessons of our mistakes, and even some of our accomplishments. 
God’s speed. Use your Higher Power to give you strength and guidance.
 Larry"Day Two Is Still Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will not face another Day 2.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the help Larry, I got it straight now.
Got to go to work.
Bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I’m home, tired as heck, need to get ready for tomorrow.Vera, as tired as I am today was a better day, thanks!
bettie

[vera]

sleep well Bettie..hope you feel better tomorrow. Its 3 am. Im going to sleep now too. Back to wrk on Thursday. No moonliting then..I’ll have to be up at 6.30. I work 12 hour shifts! I read up on the Bankrupcy rules in Ireland. I think I’ll stick to my present arrangement!…….. all the sevens

[bettie]

Hi Vera and all,
broke it off with"friend" tonight. Took a Valiem,going to cry myself to sleep. It’s best but I hurt so much.
bettie

[howanan]

Bettie . . I know how hard it is to loose a friendship.  Please don’t let this drag you back to the casino.  Get out, take a walk, go to the mall, go to the library, just be around people.  This too shall past.  You’re in my thoughts and prayers.  Please stay strong…………All is well . . . NancyLearning from the past is useful.  Dwelling on the past is destructive…

[bettie]

Hi Howana
This is yet another distructive behaviour of mine, setteling for less than I deserve. After 3 years he decited for another try with his wife. Didn’t say a word about it when he was here Sunday night. It wont work, but I’m not going to be there every time he screws up and she tosses him out.
He can’t have us both, sorry, he shouldn’t have either one of us. The real down side is that I can talk to him freely about my CG. He is really the only one who knows the full scope of this.
I guess I’ll have to burden you all with that now, Glad you’re here!lol!
bettie
 It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[dom251]

Originally posted by bettie

Today is my first day here. I was really suprised that so many people feel like they want to die after binge gambling. I am just shocked, I thought it was just me!
Of all the things in my life I must say I’ve never felt lower than I do right now. I am being threatned with forclusure and I haven’t been ontime with a bill in months. I filed bankrupcy last year and have to face what got me there.
I have loved to gamble since I was a child. Pitching pennies was the start for me. I went to Atlantic City when I was 19, I looked older, and spent the whole day on $50 bucks, food included. What a blast!
I played video poker in the bars at 21. It’s not legal but if you are known at the bar all you did was ask the bartender if they "paid out". They took a note of your score on a little pad of paper, shut the machine off, then paid you out.
Now you might get the impression that I have gambled all my life. Not true. The occasional lotto ticket was really the most I ever did. I made my first trip to Vegas 16 years ago when my sister paid for the trip. She got married and needed a sitter for her daughter. I got to play "Real" machines and loved it!
This went on for a few years, the annual trip, 100.00 a day budget. Controlled, fun, hoping for a big win. About 16 years ago the "boats" open in Indiana. I had offers to go but declined. I knew I didn’t have the money to spend and somehow I knew I liked it too much. This changed about 5 years ago when a group of work friends were going and invited me along. I was hooked! It started with going 1-2 times weekly after that. I started racking up debt but refinanced my home, took a home equity loan, and built a great credit record. Credit card companys gave me ten – twenty thousand dollar limits and cash advance checks with no interest for a year. I would gamble, get crazy, then cover it with a check.
I think the real problem came about 4 years ago. I won ten thousand dollars. Like every other gambler I was going to do great things with it. It lasted about a month. I paid some debt, gave some to my daughter, and blew the rest. In the last 4 years I got about eighty thousand dollars in debt, all credit cards. You would have thought they would have cut me off. Not their fault, I knew just how to move that debt so it was building my credit up.
Since the bankrupcy I find that I barely make enough to pay just the basics. I was living on those credit cards. I started working a second job but I don’t have any money for food and gas this week.I spend money that I need to pay bills. My daughter has been helping me out, not realizing she’s been supporting my habit. I lie, sneek around, avoid family and the few friends I have in order to gamble. I know I have to quit, I have never tried before. I keep thinking I can go back to the yearly trip to Vegas but I know that’s folly. I don’t want to ban myself because I want my free hotel rooms and steak dinners. I know this is false, they have never given me a thing, I paid for it all and then some! This is the start of my journey. I don’t want to EVER feel this way again. I am ashamed and just want to hide from it all. I planned to try a meeting today. I am making excuses and won’t make myself go. Maybe Thursday, I only work 1/2 a day. Thats a trigger time for me. I won’t gamble today. Tomorrow I work both jobs and won’t have the desire then either. Wednesday is a problem. I will find a meeting for then too. You all sound like friends. I hope to be in your good company too. Thanks for reading my book!
you don’t know what life has in store for you

[vera]

Dear Bettie, I’m sorry and glad that you brooke up with somebody who , posing as a friend, used (abused?) you!…You are right. You deserve better. He is not the only one you can talk to about your gambling. We are all here for you . Maybe this would be a good time to join GA too?…….SOOO tired. back to work today and after a 12 hour shift I had to drive to the city centre to collect my son. Home and in bed now! quarter to midnight!…….keep posting..all the sevens

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Still here, no boat. Went to dinner w/my daugter and brother. Daughter embarrased me. Thought she remembered I have no cash. I had a coupon for a free meal and assumed that she was paying tonight. She made a fuss about splitting the bill. I couldn’t remind her in front of my brother that I had no cash. I need to call her and tell her what an *ss she made me look like!
I guess she’s not used to me being so broke. Not her fault, all mine!
I hope life has some better things in store for me, the last 10 have not been the best and this year  has had a pretty rocky start!
Need to count my blessings, things could always be worse!
Hanging in there, Vera get some rest!!
peace
bettie

[salina]

oh my bettie
i think it would be great if you sat down and told your daughter how lousy that made you feel. Maybe she doesnt understand the full picture.
I can only imagine how that made you feel. But ya know, who cares? You have got to take care of you and not worry about others and how others feel or think about you right now.  It is so important to focus on you!  All the other stuff will be taken care of when you start putting you first. You’ll see and as far as gamblin goes I am learnin so much from your post.
You dont need it bettie you really dont!
hang in there i am here and plan on supporting yathis to shall pass

[bettie]

Hi Salina, Hi guys!
S, I did talk to my daughter. She said, Oh Mom, you know I was just playing with you! I told her I am walking a very fine line here and little things really bring me down. The CG fight,the money, the ex "friend with benifits", it’s all a little bit too much for me right now. It’s not funny when you had all the credit in the world and could pick up a tab any time you felt like it. I’m not used to being in this position and I’ve not got my usual sense of humor right now.
I hate being broke but I did this! I have to laugh because the casino I went to is in bankrupcy too! With all my money I just don’t see how! LOL!
Gonna catch somes posts. Called an old boyfriend and have a "maybe" date tomorrow. He is a truck driver and is gone alot. He’s good for a steak dinner and some laughs. We are more like real friends, at least he likes to show me off in public, not like the other one. Wish the weather was better, he has a great motorcycle and I love to ride! I almost fell asleep the last time we were riding. The way the seat is you can’t really fall off! That sounds so relaxing and fun right now! I could really use some fun!
peace
bettie

[charmou]

Hi Bettie,
Just a short note to say well done.  Its hard in the beginning to find solid ground but you can do it.  Your right, addiction is hard but I believe that this where all the best lessons are learnt.  I believe there is a reason why we have been given this challenge to overcome.  Someone once said to me "if it doesn’t kill you it will make you stronger".  You are well on your way to being stronger.  For that, I want to say "thank you" for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us.  We as CGs lived in the dark for so long and when there is someone brave enough to say "I have had enough..I will fight this" is so inspirational to many viewers (including me).  I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone…there are many of us who have thought these thoughts, and there are many who have acted on those thoughts and there are many who have made decisions to do something about it.  In my darkest moments, unfortunately (or fortunately?) I see clearly what this addiction can do to me and its not good.  I would rather walk in the light than in the dark, so I have chosen to fight the battle again. 
Unfortunately its going to get harder before it gets easier so keep strong and stay focused on the "now" and what you are trying to accomplish and hopefully you will see progress for what it is and it will motivate you to continue down this road of recovery.  From past experience, the best years of my life were when I was not gambling but getting there again for me is going to be a challenge (am I up to it..YES YES YES).  When it comes to your finances , take it slow and be careful with all of the worrying and stress that comes with owing all that money.  I found that once I got on the straight and narrow, the people I owed money to came around knowing that I was being honest with them and that I was trying to change.  You didn’t create this mess over night and you certainly won’t change it over night.  Its the sickeness ,we want it all to go away now.  Quick results do not help us ever, we need to take the long road to really feel the benefit of our changes.  So sick, but true lol.
I am so grateful for the website and the many members who are fighting the battle with me "one day at a time".
 CharmaineChange is not hard…my resistance to change is solid rock and I need a sledge hammer to get through it. (I am working on it lol)

[vera]

not coming to the chat room today Bettie?all the sevens

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Tried to post eariley and the web site kept kicking me off. Very busy today, two b-day parties. My ex husbands boy turned 14 and my niece turned 17.
I wanted to respond to Charmaine. I understand when you fall to the bottom of the hill it’s hard to get up! I have lost this weight twice before, when I was 16 and again at 30. I gained it all back plus after my daughters accident( she was hit by a car when she was 12) and I wasted years avoiding seeing people because I felt so bad about my failure. What a waste! These folks I cut out of my life could have supported me but instead I lost the majority of them by not reaching out. Lession learned, the hard way as always!
I know its hard but reach out to those GA people. I sure alot wonder what happened to you and will welcome you back!
I too, worry about what others think of me. Hard habit to break. I try to please everyone except my self. Time to change that!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Keep trying to post but having trouble with the site kicking me out!
No boat tomorrow! Bills already sent out, can’t stop them now, money well spent for a change!
peace
bettie

[ddsroad]

Bettie,
Awesome to hear!  Looks like you are making some steps which is great!  Just keep hanging in there and coming back.  You can do it!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

[kathryn]

Hi Bettie,
Well done, you are doing a great job, ensuring your bills are paid, it really takes the pressure off!
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxSometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I’m home, worked out for an hour, plan to stay home (trigger night). Really want to go but I think I’ll read posts instead. I just won’t go today!
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[p]

Hi Bettie good on you for staying in and reading posts.  That’s what i did too, i post like crazy sometimes.  I was pretty much glued to this site to start with and i always start and end my day with it when i can.  I hope you are doing well, remember we are all here with you
 P – living and learning

[vera]

Hi Bettie!..I was looking out for you in the chat room. Are you coming in for a visit. I ll try again later!..all the sevens

[stg033]

Hi Bettie I was reading you frist post today it,s kind of funny I never woke up wishing I was dead becuse of gambleing just when I lost all of the money that I din,t what to spend I feel like beatend my head up side the wall for me wakeing up wishing I was dead is alot I use to think of killing myself why I don,t really know the gambleing seem to take me away from that thinking I would guess becuase I was to busy with my mine on the slots I never really gamble before Frist time it was at the fair some kind of match box game spend my paycheck feel like shit and whated to just die after that I for years din,t gamble then once a year I would go to AC with 100 and play and always left with that money
I din,t go there for years and what did the Gov of Pa do let the dem places open up here well I had to check it out The frist time was funny I was sitting at a slot looking for were you put the .25 someone had to tell me you had to put dollars in anymore lol
 

[bettie]

Hi Vera, Hi Guys!
haven’t been on the chat, work schedules getting in the way. Need to work out, not gambling is putting weight on me and I can’t let that happen.Will try to chat later.
(funny about the quaters!)
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
What a happy chat yesterday! I even had a dream that i banned my self. A big part of what is stopping me is the thought of not having anyplace to go when I am lonely. Gambling has been a social outlet even though when i go with my buddy we split up and play alone. I know in my deepest heart of hearts that i would go to the boat if I had some way to  get at some money. I need to stop but i don’t want to. Stupid isn’t it? I really don’t mind loosing if I only spend what I entend to. This past month was the first time I spent two weeks pay in a row and it really freaked me out! Did I catch myself before it gets like that all the time until I’m on the street of was that a momentary slip?
This gambling is just like dieting. I always thought that once I lost the weight I could eat like a "normal" person. That led me to loose and gain back over 100lbs two other times in my life. Now my sick brain thinks I can control this gambling monster again. WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!! I have read enough posts to know it doesn’t work like that but even if I ban where I like to go there are many back doors to close too. I am overwelming myself looking at the whole picture.
No gambling today, none tomorrow. Thats as far as I can think right now.
peace
bettie

[salina]

Well Bettie,
I am not sure where I will go or what I will do now that I have banned. It is scary in many ways but it is more scary for me to think that I could continue. I was getting way to out of control and no matter how hard i tried i could not gamble normally.  I think I just had enough when i realized I played the slots with the house payment This is unacceptable to me and i guess I can say today that that was my bottom. I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. That is why I did it. And ya know it wasnt that bad. I mean its only day 1 really and tomorrow I might be sorry for what I have done. I dont care. FOr today, it is a sense of freedom that I havent felt in oh so long. I want to feel this feeling instead of the way I was feeling.
Please be patient with yourself and the dream about bannin it can come true, I am looking forward to hearing you say you did it!this to shall pass

[sereneone]

Bettie, if you have gambled since your post please don’t let that stop you using the forum. You are aware that you need to change and will find people here to support you. Sending you love and light from Australia. You deserve abundnce in life but as you know that abundance will not come from gambling, but by living an honest life. You are enough xx

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the advice. weak moment, all is well. Going to workout. Windows open, sun is shinning, it’s a beautiful day even though I have not gotten used to the time change.
Hang in there Salina, you’re doing great girl! ( no pressure! lol!)
peace
bettie

[howanan]

Bettie,  You know that we are CG.  This is a progressive addiction.  Where $20.00 was enough to play on, it now takes many times that.  And if we stop gambling for years, just like an alcholic we pick up right where we left off.  We will loose everything.  And I mean everything.  It is just not worth that few minutes of thrill to suffer the gambling hangover.  We can not place that first bet.  Hope you are enjoying this weather.  It is suppose to be mid sixties today here in Maryland.  Have a great St. Patrick’s Day…………….All is good ..NancyLearning from the past is useful.  Dwelling on the past is destructive…

[new beginning]

Hi Betty! hope you had a good day! take it one day at a time…just try to curb the urge to gamble, there are a lot of strategies you can use. take a walk, get together with a friend, talk to someone about your urge, tell yourself you can get through one more day of not gambling.
your thoughts of suicide are scary to me. you do not want to commit suicide….you have so much life to live, so much love to give, even if you don’t believe you do! it is the gambling that makes you feel suicidal. you are not alone. i’ve gone on so many binges and won…..then left and went back………lost it all over again, and again. i get back to even…….from being down over $1000, $1500, and i STILL DO NOT LEAVE! these are the times i felt like ending it all. i thought…."who could possibly love me like this? how can i ever tell anyone that this is who i am and what i do? i hate myself, i would be doing people a favour, they wouldn’t have to deal with me being so miserable all the time"
but i got home and looked in the mirror and cried and thought…huh…..how the hell did you get here, to this low point in your life? i used to have so much love to give, had so much fun, liked spending time with friends and family, liked doing things for myself, like treating myself once in a while to shopping or something little like getting my hair done. but while i was gambling steadily, all that changed. i never spent any money except at the casino, i wouldn’t eat regular meals, cause i would get free food there, buffets, etc. i would rack up the points and spend them on gifts, so i would convince myself that at least i was doing something right. but it wasn’t right because i still felt empty inside, like i had a secret.
so one day i lost it all, i got angry at every hand i would lose, i chased my bets, i got wreckless and i lost everything, probably $3000 in one day. you might think this is a lot, but not for me. for me this was all of my savings. i am a waitress, i don’t have kids, but i don’t have any savings at all…..i worked so hard for that money. and it’s gone.
so i self banned myself, this is a good first step to recovery. you will feel so much better. it needs to be done.
then i told my family, my boyfriend, etc. i broke down like a baby….i felt so stupid and remorseful. it had to be done though. they were accepting of my problem and tried to understand. but i don’t think anyone really understands, except other cg’s. you are not alone! your thoughts are similar to what mine were like at the peak of my gambling around last christmas. i quit jan 20th and then relapsed two days ago. but i’m getting there. every day is getting better. i used to go two or three times a week to the casino, now i’ve gone twice in almost 3 months. it’s a start. now that i’ve recently relapsed i’ve really learned what this has done to me. i want to do so much better, and i know that i can do a lot better if i try a little harder every day.
i don’t have the urge to gamble today. i’m sick of that feeling. i have the urge to feel positive about the future, and look forward to saving my money (in an account that i cannot touch for my own safety). i want to build better relationships with my family and friends. i want to be free from this gambling addiction. i’m so much better than that. and so are you!!! and so are all of us cg’s. we are in this together
if you have other thoughts of suicide i think you should really talk to someone about your gambling, and your suicidal thoughts too. you don’t want to do anything drastic that you don’t want to do! gambling can make you feel at your worst, and if you get a hold of your gambling and commit to quitting, your negative thoughts about yourself will subside and you will feel so much better.
god bless you, i am thinking of you, have a good night
from,
new beginning (aka Bonnie)everyday is another chance to turn it all around

[vera]

Hi Bettie! wish I had your energy to workout…Im in bed since Sunday morning! 10 am Monday now. Have to take a flying leap into my clothes to go to the airport to collect my son…….he lives like royalty come to think of it! All college etc expenses paid……I’ve had the use of his laptop for the 5 days he was away. Im working Fri Sat and Sunday so I wont be in the chatroom at the weekend…Its our wedding anniversary today!……..stay strong Bettie!……I told you I had an out of the blue call on my mobile at work from my FWB!……(such a great description for opportunists who pose as friends!)….have to fly now….hubby giving dirty looks….keep in touch!…..all the sevens

[bettie]

Hi Everyone,
So Nice to see you all here. Vera, talk about bad habbits, went with "fwb", my resolve is so weak! Had a nice enough time but I really need to cut him off for good! He is so toxic to me. The blind date for today isn’t going to happen. He sent me a beautiful message to set up this date but has not responded to me to set this date up. I don’t get it, we have been talking on and off since November, met on an online dating site.I suspect he has a girl friend and contacts me when he gets mad at her. I have met enough jerks to know somethings not right here! 
Got into an arguement with my daughter about $$.
She is in the middle of a bankrupcy and needs to pay her lawyer. She lent me $$ after the big bindge, I paid her some but she owes a friend some $$ and told me to pay her friend back. She was crying about how broke she is. She is blaming my CG for her being short of money. I told her at least I can account for my $$. She has 2x the income I have and half the bills. She hasn’t paid on her mtg in 9 months and frankly is very defensive when I ask where the money is. I think she is doing some kind of heavy duty drugs, her boyfriend is a "pot head" but I’m sure it’s more than just that. She’s 28. What do I say with out her cutting me off??
B, as for the sucide thoughts, I’ve only had them after a big binge. I do not feel that way when I am not gambling which is a wonderful feeling! When I had the big binges in Feb I had panic attacks thet kept me up all night and wished I was dead so I didn’t have to face up to what I did.I mannaged to sepnd the night with a friend because I knew what was going to happen so I wouldn’t have to be alone feeling that dangerious feeling.Yea, I do need more help with this. I keep thinking I will go to a meeting. I will, it’s just a matter of time.
Thanks for the posts, S,N,B,S and V!
I’ll check posts latter. got to go to work. Birthday is Sat, 47 this year! Boy 50 is almost here!
love you all,
Bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
My other guy "friend" came over today. I told him about my Cg. I can’t believe I did it. I spilled my guts! I wonder if he will ever call me again. The consept of how serious this is went over his head at first. By the time he left i was almont in tears and so was he. I am depressed about the blind date not coming through. I want a real relationship with a man who wants the same. I have’ve only had that once in my life, that was with my husband and that was 27 years ago!
Depressed, lonely, sad. Almost went to the boat, went to the goodwill and bought a pair of shoes instead. Daughter called, met me for a snack. Want to cry, tears falling now. I just can’t get a break. gonna go to bed.
bettie

[salina]

Hi bettie
just checkin in to say hi. I am on day 5 it feels good although some of the emotions have been overwhelming. Anyhow, sunday is a day or two away kind of scary, but ya know self bannin really  makes it a whole lot easier cause its not an option. So I just want to say thinkin bout you and hopin you have considerd the whole self ban thing.
Keep in touch
 this to shall pass

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I blew it yesterday. got off work early for my long weekend, went to see a friend in Indiana, picked up my gambling buddy and went to the boat. Due to cash restrictions I didn’t kill my budget but I couldn’t leave a winner. My friend had to leave so I took her home AND WENT BACK! Stayed out until 3:30 am, lost what I "won" then added 30 bucks to that!
Really sad at midnight to find myself alone, sitting in front of a GD slot maching with the small screen flashing "Happy Birthday".
I did mannage to have a nice day today, spent day w/family and my daughter invited a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time.
When am I going to get serious about quitting?? I am telling myself it’s ok, not a big loss. Thats not really the point. All these losses add up and if I can’t keep a "win" then why bother going? What is fun about this? I don’t get it.
peace
bettie

[salina]

So hi Bettie!
I guess you are just not ready to quit!  When you are you will know. It makes things so much easier to self ban. I know I am new at this self exclude thing, but for today it really has helped my train of thought. Its not an option for me to gamble and I like it. 
You will see what I mean cause I know you are right behind me…and I am here rooting for you.
 this to shall pass

[howanan]

So HAPPY belated  BIRTHDAY.   You came back so all is not lost.  Listen to Salina.  Think about the self exclusion.  Think of what you have done with the money you lost.  A new purse for your birthday?  Glad you came back and told us.  Keep stong Bettie…..NncyLearning from the past is useful.  Dwelling on the past is destructive…

[bettie]

Hi Nancy, Hi Salina,
Weak, weak weak! I am a cg mess if ever there was one! I spent the night at the casino hotel, i had planned it weeks ago but wound up by myself. My daughter doesn’t want to enable me by going ( or take time away from her boyfriend). I know, maybe thats the cg but I don’t think so. FWB was suppost to show but didn’t so I stayed in the hotel, broke by 10, and spent a restless night by myself. Sounds like great fun, doesn’t it??( see what a great support he is for me??lol!)
Almost banned, walked past security 2x, but just couldn’t do it! I called my aa buddy today and couldn’t tell her what I did. I might see her this week so since I have no $$ and used my comps up maybe I will find the courage to have her go with me and just do it!
Pray for me to find the strength to do this! It will make my life so much better, I just know it will!
bettie

[kathryn]

Hi Bettie,
I believe you can use these slips to your advantage and learn…do something you havent done before, be it exclude, tell your friend, something that can be taken as a positive.  You are strong Bettie, the addiction is burying you right now and its hard to see past it, its blocking you.
I know your birthday wasnt a particularly happy one, but i am sending you birthday hugs across cyberspace.  We all have an inner strength, sometimes its hard to see, but it is there.  Break out the wonder woman outfit girl, and move forward from this.
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxSometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

[bettie]

Thanks Kathryn
I am sick of myself. Mtg company called, trying to get some of this mortgage relief. In the long run I don’t think it will make more $$ for gambling. If I can get a reduced payment it will free up money but will also reduce some stress. I am looking at a hospital sponsered gym and woud love to have the money to go. Think positive! Do something right! Stop procrastnating! I got coupons for free buffet at the casino. Have I gotten rid of them? NO! I am trying to figure out how to use them without gambling. Who am I kidding?? Thats like saying I can play $20 and leave! I’m even laughing out loud at that one! This buffet is GREAT, the best one in town but it’s not Really FREE! I will waste 100-200 just for going. How many really great meals could I get for that??
Need to thing about something besides CG. I been online all day!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I read my thread trying to figure out my trigger this time. How do you work on your own self esteem? I can plainly see that the sadness of the unfulfilled date, seeing the fwb, feeling lonely on Sunday, they all led to this last binge. I need to make the calls and stop waiting on people to call me. I keep thinking if so and so only called me I would have stayed home. Maybe I need to reach out.
Every mistake is a learning experance.
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[salina]

hmm bettie
i read your post
i am not the best person to talk to right now but i do know that you are on you are on your way to being able to self exclude. I just know it. Its just a matter of time and you will be posting about how it "wasnt that bad". I will wait bettie and be here with open arms to embrace the moment with you/.
So be it…this to shall pass

[female g]

hey bettie hope your ok and be-lated b-day wishes even if you didn’t spend it the way you expected too.  So be it.  What have you learned though that is what is important.  I haven’t self excluded but have done everything else to reduce the amount of destruction I can bring apon myself.  the hardest thing I DEAL WITH IS THE SPEEDIN WHICH I CAN GO FROM BELIEVING I NEVER WHAT TO SET FOOT BACK INTO A CASINO TO FINDING MYSELF THERE.  IT TRULY AMAZES ME BUT I QUESS IT TOO IS SOMETHING WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND. oops caps. I have been trying to change alot of this addiction and some tmes i am quite good and other times just out of control.  So here I am again struggling to believe that I will stop completely and stop just giving all my extra money away to the casino.  I want to focus on keeping the money and using it to find more memorable ways to enjoy it,  I am moving into a new home in a few months and need to focus on that.  So I am intending to not go for at least a few months to save up for furniture etc.  Retraining the brain seem to be the most difficult.  I have discovered that the only jackpots I witness are those people who max out the bets and so when they win they are just getting more to play with so they aren’t winning away.  There are so few major winners too. One thing I have done is to just walk around and watch the players and am beginning to realize that it is a joke to believe anything good comes from gambling.  So i hope you will just keep trying to hang in and learn from each mistake you make.  G

[finding_laura]

Hi Bettie,
popped by to see how you are doing.  Recognizing our triggers can be very helpful.  However, for a lot of CG’s by the time we get to the point of seeking help almost everything can be a trigger, or we have learned to associate gambling with many emotions and situations.  By the time I was ready to come clean and put up barriers I would use anything as an excuse to gamble.  I was down, or I was tired and cranky and wanted to be left alone, or I was happy and celebrating something.  Didn’t matter, the addiction had taken over and the causes were left in the dust.  Now that I have put a little bit of distance between me and my last bet those original triggers have emerged a lot clearer.  I am learning to deal with them in a different way.  Once upon a time I actually wished I win the lotto, so I could have my gambling money every week to just sit and play the games.  Now if I had won the lotto there really wouldn’t be any point in playing.  For me it was no longer about winning, it was about being able to play.  I was hooked bad.  When we are at that point it is hard to imagine life without gambling.  It has filled so much space in our lives.  Not just the time we are there gambling, but the time thinking about the losses, and thinking about where we will get the money to go again.  It is all consuming.  I am happy to say that now that I have taken away my access to gamble (I handed over my finances to someone else as there is no self banning mechanism where I am) and I have dealt with the immediate crisis that my gambling created, I am enjoying my family and no longer see their needs as interfering with my gambling. Instead I am able to enjoy the small moments. 
Running Girl had made a post one day about something her counsellor had said.  Why do we close the front door on gambling but leave the back door open?   You have outlined some of the reasons why you don’t want to self-ban at this time.  Maybe look at what would be some other ways you might be able to fulfill those same needs.  So when you do decide to ban you will have a back up plan.
Well, have to run get my son ready for school.  Keep your chin up Bettie.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Laura

[marbeauty]

Bettie,
I am praying that you are feeling better today……I am so happy to have met you in group yesterday and to know someone from what I know….you are a comfort for me thank you so much for being out there and again, hope you are better.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I hate to put anything in writing that I don’t plan to do.
I left a message on my friends maching that i want her to go with me to ban tomorrow.
pray for me!
bettie

[female g]

huge step and I hope your able to follow through.G

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
tough decision to make even when we know deep down it is for our own good.  With your friend holding one hand, know that the rest of us here at GT are holding the other.  We also offer shoulders to cry on any time needed.  Be brave Bettie, we often do couragous things for others, this one is for you.  Praying for you.
take care,
Laura

[howanan]

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.   Good for you.  Keep strong……….Nancy

[vera]

holding my breath and turning my eyes to heaven on your behalf Bettie!
You can do it!
 all the sevens

[ddsroad]

Hi Bettie,
Just checking in to see how you are doing.  Your line is great!  "Every mistake is a learning experience."  My dear, we have all been there, so you are not alone.  Just remember, we all fight the same fight.  You are taking the right steps so you just keep stepping in the right direction.  Your posts show you are committed to making progress.  Just a little step here and there in the right direction will all add up to success.  Hang in there!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

[bettie]

Hi Everyone,
Please stay tuned for a very importaint annoucement.
Bettie is no longer a VIP on the Indiana Riverboats, she is now a VEP, Voluntarly Excluded Person.
I got there by the grace of God and the support of all the loving, compassionate, and caring people I have found here at GT.
I know now how Salina felt. I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m angry, but mostly I’m relieved!
My brain is exausted but I will post the details tomorrow. A big thanks to my friend J, what a rock she is. She made me laugh while I did this, then took me out for cake and icecream, and told me to get my *ss to GA.
thank you all again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[salina]

oh Bettie
I am doing the happy dance for you!! i am so so happy for you. I cannot believe it I had to read it again. Wow, we will have to keep together on this thing. As it is new for me and now you.  Ohhhh I am so so fricken happy for you…please talk to me this week  I cannot tell you how proutd i am and how rewarded i feel just knowing that you have gone through so darn much to get where you are today, and that just maybe just maybe, I could have been part of that change for youthis to shall pass

[p]

Hi Bettie
congratulations on that huge step!  You wont be sorry when you start to see your life turn around.  way to go Betty!
 P – living and learning

[kathryn]

Hi Bettie,
Well, can i just give you the biggest WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!! Well done, im so pleased for you, i know the emotions will be running thick and fast, but just remember to breathe, you are taking your life back, congratulations girl!!!!
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxSometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

[marbeauty]

Originally posted by bettie

Today is my first day here. I was really suprised that so many people feel like they want to die after binge gambling. I am just shocked, I thought it was just me!
Of all the things in my life I must say I’ve never felt lower than I do right now. I am being threatned with forclusure and I haven’t been ontime with a bill in months. I filed bankrupcy last year and have to face what got me there.
I have loved to gamble since I was a child. Pitching pennies was the start for me. I went to Atlantic City when I was 19, I looked older, and spent the whole day on $50 bucks, food included. What a blast!
I played video poker in the bars at 21. It’s not legal but if you are known at the bar all you did was ask the bartender if they "paid out". They took a note of your score on a little pad of paper, shut the machine off, then paid you out.
Now you might get the impression that I have gambled all my life. Not true. The occasional lotto ticket was really the most I ever did. I made my first trip to Vegas 16 years ago when my sister paid for the trip. She got married and needed a sitter for her daughter. I got to play "Real" machines and loved it!
This went on for a few years, the annual trip, 100.00 a day budget. Controlled, fun, hoping for a big win. About 16 years ago the "boats" open in Indiana. I had offers to go but declined. I knew I didn’t have the money to spend and somehow I knew I liked it too much. This changed about 5 years ago when a group of work friends were going and invited me along. I was hooked! It started with going 1-2 times weekly after that. I started racking up debt but refinanced my home, took a home equity loan, and built a great credit record. Credit card companys gave me ten – twenty thousand dollar limits and cash advance checks with no interest for a year. I would gamble, get crazy, then cover it with a check.
I think the real problem came about 4 years ago. I won ten thousand dollars. Like every other gambler I was going to do great things with it. It lasted about a month. I paid some debt, gave some to my daughter, and blew the rest. In the last 4 years I got about eighty thousand dollars in debt, all credit cards. You would have thought they would have cut me off. Not their fault, I knew just how to move that debt so it was building my credit up.
Since the bankrupcy I find that I barely make enough to pay just the basics. I was living on those credit cards. I started working a second job but I don’t have any money for food and gas this week.I spend money that I need to pay bills. My daughter has been helping me out, not realizing she’s been supporting my habit. I lie, sneek around, avoid family and the few friends I have in order to gamble. I know I have to quit, I have never tried before. I keep thinking I can go back to the yearly trip to Vegas but I know that’s folly. I don’t want to ban myself because I want my free hotel rooms and steak dinners. I know this is false, they have never given me a thing, I paid for it all and then some! This is the start of my journey. I don’t want to EVER feel this way again. I am ashamed and just want to hide from it all. I planned to try a meeting today. I am making excuses and won’t make myself go. Maybe Thursday, I only work 1/2 a day. Thats a trigger time for me. I won’t gamble today. Tomorrow I work both jobs and won’t have the desire then either. Wednesday is a problem. I will find a meeting for then too. You all sound like friends. I hope to be in your good company too. Thanks for reading my book!

Hi Bettie,
How are you today? I wrote you a long post last night and have no idea where it went when I went to post it but I want to thank you for looking for me yesterday and posting on my thoughts….as far as the trust goes I already have asked my sister over and over to take the job but she wouldn’t do it…..one of those people that want all the control without the responsibility with it…when she did finally agree was when my niece filed suit against me and the trust and then it was to late as I would have been still been responsibile for the outcome with my sister in charge…wasn’t a choice….it is over is all i keep saying to myself and I also pray that my gambling days are over….I just went to my first GA meeting on tuesday night and I can’t tell you what a blessing it was that I finally made myself go..it gave me my self esteem back that I knew was always there..I will not be a victim anymore and sitting in front of that videopoker machine made me stuck and a victim….I will beat this dang addiction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I learned at the meeting that gambling has actually given me an anti-social behavior,,,,,and they are right….that’s how I felt! Not anymore….I am moving forward….
I am so sorry that your friend didn’t call and that your boss said what she did to you yesterday…..people are a disappointment aren’t they? I wish I could have your # and I would call and be there for you for sure…..even personal email….is there any email on here? Looks as though there use to be but challenged on these sites at times. Everytime I read the title to this post I just want to hug you……it will get better Bettie……….do you have faith in God? It has helped me so much…..somepeople do and others do not….one thing a friend said to me one day was that "we are human" and we make mistakes…and everytime we do…or continue to we just start all over again but we have to keep trying………..next time you feel down about circumstances it’s ok…..because you are just human….for a saint is just a sinner who fell down………….but we get back up again……and also we may not be where we want to be but at least were not where we use to be! One step at a time………..just being here on this website is a start to the future and blessing or you wouldn’t be here…and neither would I for that matter…..
I know that we really don’t know each other but again, i felt a connection with you the first time I was on this site and in group………I want to be your friend and let you know that you will also be in my prayers..please let me know how you are today…or tomorrow or whenever you have a minute….I’ll be here.
CarolIt is always better to look good then to feel good!

[vera]

Iknow exactly how you feel Bettie….it took me MUCH l o n g er to get the message about self-excluding than it took you…I left the back door, the side door, the windows, the skylight, every little splink Icould, open, so that I could nip in when I felt hell was the only place I deserved to be…..
 self banning is not just saying no to gambling…its saying YES to dignity, self esteem and a new life…Go for it girl! You deserve it. I ll take this opportunity to mention Linnie and Colin who were the two people who kept nagging me to ban.
A better life is beginning Bettie!all the sevens

[bettie]

Hi Everyone!
Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for the posts!
I said I would give u the details.
My friend cut short a date to go with me. I assumed she had nothing to do but when I talked to her yesterday she said"I have this date but don’t worry, meet me there and we then we are going to the  boat." Period, no if’s and’s or butt’s.
She would not give me an out and knew it was serious by the message left the night before.
When we got there I went to look for the guard and told him what i was there to do. I had to tell him 3 times. He acted like he had never heard a person say I want to be excluded, who do I need to see.
He called his boss, who asked me the same D*m question, like, are u sure. I guess they didn’t want to loose someone from their "Biggest Looser Club!"
He had me follow him down stairs, my friend said thay only do this in Vegas when their going to break your knee caps!
( I told you, she made me laugh!)
They have a person from the gaiming commission there to do the paper work. The "boss" changed his tune once we were off the floor. He was very compassionate and said this was a smart move and I was doing the right thing.
We filled out the paper work and the commission person had the nerve to ask why I was doing this. I gave her "THE LOOK". ( My friend says this LOOK makes me look like i’m going to punch you in the head!) Needless to say she asked no more silly questions and goy down to business. Funny, when I won 10,000.00 I wouldn’t let them take my picture, now I had no choice. Also, the girl doing the paper work said now you can keep your paycheck, and thats a good thing.
On the ride back my friend asked me some questions, she didn’t even know about the bankrupcy. She was shocked about the wishing I was dead part, and hurt that I didn’t call her. I told her I was too ashamed to tell her but no more, now she knows. And I would not hessatate to call her in a crisis now.
So yes, not as bad as I thought. Lots of back doors here that need closing but one at a time. I hate gambling in Illinois because the boats are smoke free and i HAVE to smoke when I drink and gamble so thats a good thing.
I told her when the weather got better we would drive to michigan ( 1 hour away) and ban there too. Then to Joliet, and that will take care of the tri-state area!
Got to get to my brothers for supper, he made a stew. Great on a cold day. Any other time I would have declined and headed to the boat but not today, I heard they are all closed!!!!!
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[cully21]

Way to go on the banning Bettie! I am so proud of you. May this be the best birthday present you ever treated yourself too. It sounds like some of the employees are rear ends. Oh well. The world is full of them. Don’t guess they will get a bonus from keeping you from banning now will they?
Stay out of that place and I like the idea of future banning. Remember, it is in writing now tha you are banned and not welcome there anymore. Even if you manage to get in and they turn their head, they will not turn their head if you win aa good amount and try to walk out of there. You will truly be gambling for no chance of winning whatsover if you go back in there.
Way to go.
Cully21

[stg033]

Go Bettie I was redind someone post and seen that you said you banned yourself came to your post to see if that was right I almost cryed  good for you

[coalminer]

Wow that is so great on the self banning.  I keep thinking I have everything under control but if I know this is a step I should take. I doubt if you play the same boats as me (s of Cincinnati) but I could picture myself in your shoes walking past the guard and trying to get my nerve up.  I honestly don’t think I could do it.  That is so GREAT you did it!
I think whenever we can post positive things and not just about how bad our situations are it’s very helpful (at least to me)…I like to be a "glass half full" kind of guy.
Congrats on being so brave–and belated happy birthday (mine was Sat and I know what you mean about the offers, etc and I had to laugh at your line about the machine flashing happy birthday–been there done that!!)

[howanan]

Good for you Bettie.  That is a good step in the right direction.. Have a good weekend.
All is good ……..Nancy

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Feeling good, still have not had the "talk" with my gambling buddy but I am waiting for her call tomorrow or tonight. No big deal, she won’t go to Joliet so she will not tempt me to go there.
I paid a big bill today, no cash, no gas money, no problems man.
Thanks for all the well wishes! I am looking foward to tomorrow, don’t ask me why. Guess I just want it to be over with. I’ve got something to prove to myself.
My AA friend called to check on me, wants to know when my first GA meeting is. She is relentless! (which is a good thing!) She says if I really want to be better I have to go. She is right! (and 3 years sober!)
I’ll catch U all on the chat!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
checked the chat, no one there or there is connection problems.
Vera, u crack me up! Soup is done and very good. FWB called, going to wedding recption ( without me) Why did he have to tell me that? I can’t stand him! Really, what was the purpose of that? Just to make me feel unworthy? I hate him! Would love to blow off steam and go out but thats not happening! I will not be defeated today!
bettie

[female g]

I know Bettie wanted to get on and chat too but no luck g
 

[bettie]

Got on chat ok later and good today. I’ll be back on later

[ddsroad]

Hi Bettie,
Glad to see you self-excluded!  Great job!  I think you are doing super so just hang in there!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Thanks for all the good chats this weekend! Life savers, all of U!
I am so tired I could puke! LOL!
I saw my (ex) gambling buddy. I told her about the exclusion. She said, "Girl if I had known you were going to do that I would have gone with and done it too!" I almost dropped to the floor! I just wasn’t prepaired for that! She is happy because she said if I don’t go, she won’t go and she promised not to ask or go with me to any other Casino, period!
She doesn’t think she is a CG but that is her judgement call, not mine. she is happy for me and thinks this may be just what i need to turn things around. I went to her house and we went to Indiana to SHOP! That was a first! LOL!
After that I saw my friend J and she made dinner and ragged at me about GA and how I was going to gamble again if I didn’t get to a meeting ASAP! I told her slow down, this banning was enough for now and now I do have some barriers and people to reach out to. She is kind of ticking me off but her intentions are good.
Fought with my daughter on the phone over $$. She begged me for my last dollar, which I gave her, no lunch $$ for me this week, and no lunch food in the house! I will have to resort to the freezer, we have a microwaive at work. She doesn’t know why she has to suffer for my mistakes. ( I owe her $650, which I was to pay back to a friend she owes. ) She is telling me about all these things she had to pay but i can do the math. What the H*ll is she doing with all the extra $$ she has had in the last 9 months?????
To bed soon, Hopt to be on chat tomorrow, 9pm I think, here.
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[salina]

Hi Bettie
Sorry I have been really lousy at keeping in touch. I have to admit since I banned I havent felt as desperate as I was and its no excuse as I know I need to keep in touch with you all.
I missed chat on sat cause i was at a production and etc…. anyhow, as you know i was chat on sun but hubby kept comin in so finally i just gave up.
I am doing good for today..not that I havent thought and plotted how I could possible still gamble,,the  nice thing is I banned. It makes it so much easier as I know you are finding out. 
It sounds like your friend is understanding about your banning and is respectful enough to not entise you by inviting you out to gamble.. that is great. I find that I try not to even talk about it with the girl I usually go with and like your friend she does not know yet that she is a cg. You know it and I know it, but they havent gotten there yet so time will take care of that. Its not for us to try to make them see it right? We have to work on us and maybe it is a good thing for our recovery to watch their progression? Sounds mean in a way, but this is where I am at.
Hope we can chat this evening in group. I plan on being there. See ya there? this to shall pass

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Nice chat on Tuesday! I have long days Mon And Tues so hard to post and chat but too good to miss.
My "friend" offered me $$ to give to my daughter to get her off my back. I now owe one more person but the money is out of my hands and daughter has calmed down.
My "friend" that I hadn’t heard from since telling him about my CG showed up at my work yesterday and today.
He just doesn;t get it. I asked why he hadn’t called. He just couldn’t come to terms with what i told him. I told him that as my friend this was not the time to stay away, i was not ( and will not) ask him for money and if he didn’t know what to say just ask how I am and call me to let me know he was thinking about me. Just a little emotional support, thats all.
It makes me so upset that I have to ask for such little things. I never ask or expect anything from anyone but i would give the shirt off my back if you needed it. If everyone in the world were like me the world would be perfect! LOL!
Oh well, thats my story and I’m sticking to it! I can be so full of myself!
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[p]

Hi Bettie
It was nice to see you on chat.  You have done so well by self excluding.  Don’t worry if your friend does not understand, there are many who don’t.  I never believed i would get hooked and before then i didnt understand how anyone could.  you are doing great to have excluded it really is a huge huge step so well done
 P – living and learning

[vera]

Hi Bettie and thanks for posting to my thread. (this laptop keps skipping letters)so it takes ages to post!
I laughed at the thought of your two FWBs turning up at your work place. Think of all the weight you lost in that lather of sweat! Better than a visit to the sauna! In my experience most people run a mile from gamblers. They seem to think we are going to touch thn fo a loan……..I recall one winter’s night being ejected onto the street at 01.30, only to come to my senses and realise that not only had I been in a trance for 12 hours or more in my favourite casino, but I had also, once again cleaned out my account, having made several trips to the ATM. To my even greater horror, I realised my petrol tank was empty and it’ s an hour’s drive from that "haunt"! FWB sprung to mind. Afterall, I had given him so much in the past , I was sure of a "leg up"! Quick phone call …" I’m in **********,have run out of petrol, left my bank cards in a handbag at home…any chance you could pop over here to meet me, and lend me 50 euro… (only 20 miles,only one a m!)……..Silence!  Then, "Sorry, tough luck, don’t expect me tobail you out when youre gambling!"
Tough love or miserable ungrateful *******! Never quite figured that one!
 all the sevens

[howanan]

Hi Bettie,
I can remember watching my husband sit on a stool in front of a machine and wonder what the heck was so interesting that he could sit there for hours.  The first couple times I tried it, I thought the same thing.  Then  all of a sudden, I’m hooked.  What?  Does your friend think you are going to hit him up for money to gamble?  You wouldn’t have told him about your problem if you had intentions of borrowing from him.  You are right, you do need emotional support.  Do you have a best friend?  It is hard to fight this addiction alone.  I don’t really have a best friend but I can talk to my husband.  Although he is the one that showed gambling to me and he still enjoy going to the casino periodically. 
Have a good day Bettie… Nancy

[female g]

it sure is interesting the things that stem from gambling and how we stop thinking alltogether when imeressed in it.  We loose our ability to think or rationalize.  Looking back at it though we can see the negitive results so clearly.  I am glad our eyes are fully open and we can concentrate on the the more meaninful things in life.  As others have said it is hard to rely on friends who don’t understand the addiction, so I am glad we have our friends here to count on. Nice chatting this past weekend too. Stay well and stay focused G

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Thanks for all the posts! Nancy, I do have a friend I can talk to but somehow I don’t want to tell her everything because I feel judged by her ( like when she drilled me about how much i really have lost ). No words but I got the feeling, you know?
Vera, I would say the latter part is the truth about your FWB, Mine is worth about one million dollars, (I’m not kidding) and he has never given me more than  a bottle of wine for my birthday, cheap b*stard!
I’m sure now he has backed off because he thought I would ask him for money, I had not though of that. I hate to admit it but he is the one who bailed me out with my daughter. I just want to be honnest here. He offered, I accepted. Trust me, I was in tears when I took it but I just wanted to get my daughter off my back and he offered me an out. He reminded me not to take it to the casino, even though I told him I was excluded, and reminded me This is just a loan, you know my situtation! ( he just bought a 650,000.00 house) I have no pride or shame left! He is just an *ss! My self esteem is non-existent! Thats ok, when I pull my butt out of this mess I will not repeat this borrowing money thing. I have been independent and pretty much on my own since I was 18 years old and the CG caused this, not the real me!
Where the heck did I go? when did I loose me? I used to be fun and had a few friends to run with. Will the "real" bettie please stand up?!
I had a CG customer today with an overdrawn account. She went to "my" casinos. Can you believe that gave me an urge?? Sick puppy that I am, just seeing the withdraws from her account made me want to go! (and she owes the bank 800.00!) But, it’s wednesday and Here I am. blogging away!
Does anyone have casino dreams? This is like going on a big diet and you dream about dessert! In my dream I was trying to cash out tickets at the cash despencer without getting caught there! How silly! At least I wasn’t playing or spending money!
I know i’m missing some of you but G, and everyone thanks for the great chats and posts. Gonna go read. have a wonderful day!!
Day 9 feels good!
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Hi P,
I knew I missed someone!
Thanks again!
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
was good to see you in group the other day, ive had my struggles lately but isnt it great to know we can come here, you are doing well, keep going
 P – living and learning

[bettie]

My friend J called and is making me nuts! She is on me big time about GA. You need real support, you need to be talking to real people. People online can be lieing to you. Aren’t you just enableing each other by not being tough and saying sorry you slipped??
I told her she was welcome to come here and look around. If someone had to make this stuff up about compulsive gambling then they are way more messed up then me! And we do have tough love too! She needs to see a post by Larry (LOL! Not to pick on him, he give GREAT advice!)
Oh well, had to vent. This is my support in real life. See what I’m up aganist??????!!!!!!!!
So glad you are all here for me and each other!
peace
bettie

[vera]

Bettie!
I have to say, part of me agrees wih your friend!
Ioften thought , like her that any weirdo could come here posing as a CG,( I wish I was that poser) , glean information and …and, and…..do what?
Well, I din’t think he/she could do all that much harm and they would be even sicker than the lot of us poor dudes if they turned to a gambling site to give them a fix!
The guidelines from GT, especially in relation to unmoderated chat are clear. BE TACTFUL AND DISCREET!
Why not get your friend to visit the freiends and Family Section?
I agree with her that the cyber world can be a cop out for some people. We can be as dishonest as we like, but for me, honesty is in the heart and begins with being honest to yourself. Facing up and being accountable is the answer and this site has helped me greatly to be accountable to myself, to all here and to my family.
Non CGs, in my experience become BORED listening to us taking about either our gambling or our recovery. It’s like a sober person watching a shower of drunks "having a great time" and then being with then the next day as they lick their wounds…nothing worse than being with boring people!
I take your friend’s point about enabling each other too…if all we did was slip and report back here and dry each others’  tears then it would be of little help, but hopefully everything we write about recovery transfers into action and thus our recovery continues, one ay at a time.
Yesterday I went with my son to buy him a new suit. He is going to a fiend’s wedding next week so he will have it for the Easter Ceremonies as well ( Thats if the bitterly cold weather improves). They had a special offer. Free shoes/shirt /tie with suits in a certain price range. )I bought one for my husband as well on the offchance it would fit him…It didn’t!!) All on my almost maxed out credit card of course! My son kept saying " are you sure you can afford it" ( I just funded a college trip to Germany for him 2 weeks ago). I was thrilled driving home with my purchases. I thought of all the days out in the casino when i spent double that amount of money and cam home with NOTHING!
As for the "Casino dreams" Bettie,I ould write a book on them. In the beginning they were violent. I dreamt Iwas locked in, that th spaces inside expanded, that the staff were torturing , mugging and raping the customers, that all the machines were huge and thejackpots magnified! These dreams were so terrifying that I would wake up with chest pain and in a cold sweat……..then they changed to dreams here I would be in a strange casino, my time would be limited and my money scarce. I would be frantic trying to get a spare machine, but none of them were familiar, they were out of order,or i didn’t know how to work them.
The casino dreams never compared to the nighmares I experienced when I gambled in real life.
I never want to re live those nightmares, so just or today, I will not gamble!
 all the sevens

[howanan]

I think most of us have had gambling dreams.  Gambling was so much a part of our lives that it goes without saying that it has to come up somewhere.  We are not gambling, so we are being tempted in our dreams????    I hope your friend does come here and read some of our threads.  This website was the start to my recovery and I am so glad I found it and all my special friends here.  I would strive to pay your friend back as soon as you can and not borrow any more money from your daughter.  You’ll see a big difference now that you are not gambling.  Your bills will get paid and you will have a little jingle in your pocket.  Take care Bettie …. it is doable one day at a time………All is well..Nancy

[coalminer]

I guess after reading and posting here for almost two months nothing should surprise me but I thought the dream thing was only me.  Always running around at last minute trying to play but can’t find machine, etc.  Crazy isn’t it?
I can sure relate to the suit story…I went golfing yesterday and paid for my buddy–and thought this is alot cheaper than gambling like I used to do.  It’s nice to start (ever so slowly sometimes) building up some money.
I got a call from a gambling friend asking me to go with her in a couple of weeks–I said no I was too busy.  It felt really good to know I could actually turn down an invite!! Sorry didn’t mean to turn this into a "me" thing–but just agreeing so much with what others here have/are experiencing. 
I LOVE this site.  Thanks everyone.

[colin in brum]

Hi Bettie, here’s a question for you.  What have you got to lose by trying GA as your friend suggests?
Coalminer, well done on not going to gamble with your friend.  Next time it would be better not to say you are "too busy" though or to make any other excuse.  If you do that then there is no reason for her to stop asking you in the future.  "I have decided to stop gambling" is a better response. You don’t have to go into details, I just tell people i got fed up with losing. You won’t have to say it more than a few times before she stops asking you to go with her.  If she is a real friend then there will be plenty of other things you can do together.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… Does anyone have casino dreams? … 
… we do have tough love too! She needs to see a post by Larry (LOL! Not to pick on him, he give GREAT advice!)

Good afternoon Bettie,
I have had a few dreams about casinos, but like in yours, I not gambling. I remember one where I was just walking by a machine and it started spitting out money from the input slot. Everyone was congratulating me on my "win" but I was not enjoying it; I knew I would not be able to keep it. Sure enough security came and took the money. The interpretation I got was that it was just like any real win I ever had, or would have, – it all went back to the casino.
I also use to have day dreams, or better described as thoughts, about gambling throughout every day. Every image I saw reminded me of a theme of a slot machine; I could not get those images out of my mine. Thankfully they no longer exist, but are still a memory.
They are only a memories now and my dreams are not about gambling because I keep myself aware of the pitfalls and of the ways to avoid them.  One way I do this is through my posting to others here; the "tough love" that comes is perceived in my post is directed to me. Every word of advice that I try to pass on is advice that I need to stay gambling free.
Thanks to you and the others here for being my shoulder to lean on. Thanks for extending your hands.
 Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Wow, I must have hit a common thread here! Again, I thought it was just me with the dreams but some of those were really scary!
I really have no problem or preconcived notions about going to GA. I have no excuse that is valid. I just don’t feel like going. Lazy, yes! When I was in a more desprete spot, like I was in Feb. I almost went but didn’t want to cry in front of striangers and I was too embarssed. I could walk into a meeting tonight. But with the support I have gotten here I can tell you one thing, I WILL NOT GAMBLE TONIGHT! Two weeks ago, I think I did but not today.I know this is just the start but I am making progress with you all and I couldn’t have said that two months ago.
Got lots of calls today, and a customer made an Easter basket for me! Bath stuff, lotion and slippers and candles! What a sweetie! She said you are always so nice I just wanted to do a little something for you! How nice of her!
Day 11
Thanks ALl!
peace
bettie

[vera]

How nice to receive a present Bettie!
They say we get back what we give out!
It tells me you are a kind and generous person!all the sevens

[kathryn]

Hiya Bettie,
I too have used this site and not made the step to go to GA, so you are not the lone ranger.  I feel so supported here that i dont feel the need, but if i ever feel that changing i will maybe then decide to attend.  I tried it years ago, my sister , in fact chaired the meetings and she has been 11 years clean this year. I found it quite daunting, sitting there, i was unable to bear my soul with my sister watching me, i know she would never judge me, but it was me, i could not feel comfortable enough to say what i really wanted to say.  When i first found GT, i did go to 1 meeting, but realised it isnt for me, and hey, thats ok, we all take a different path on this journey, what works for some, may not work for others.  I think all help available is good help, at the same time, i think we have to decide what is right for us.
How lovely to recieve a gift from a client, you must be very good at what you do Bettie, it is nice to be apprecieated sometimes isnt it?  And as for your 11 days, i have to do it….a big, fat, WOOHOO to you girl!!! You are going great!
Hope to see you on chat too, take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxSometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

[p]

Hi Bettie
Just wanted to say what a wonderful job you are doing and how far you have come.  Way to go Bettie, we are all right here with you.  See what goes around comes around and your kindness is obviously being repaid.
 P – living and learning

[stg033]

Hi Bettie
Hey how did you sink the boat? my guess is that you gave it to much money and then it went down LOL

[bettie]

Hi Everyone,
I guess I "sank" the boat before it"sank" me! Thanks for all the lovely posts. I got a letter from the casino saying I was not welcome there since I excluded! I have another letter waiting at the post office. I thought maybe I won something ,lol ,but I don’t think I will bother picking that one up!
On a personal note, today turned out sucky! I got a call early from my trucker friend. He was going to be near me and wanted to get together after I got off of work. Well, he called me an hour before I got off to tell me his plans changed but he would call me later. Well it;s later and he still hasn’t called! I GIVE UP! I understand things happen but what curse is on me that even when I have a pretty solid invite I can count on the guy backing out??
So disapointed! I attract just the worst scumbags when it comes to men! (sorry guys, all u good one’s seem to be taken!) Maybe I need to switch teams!
My fwb called at work today. Would it kill him to pay me even the smallest complement? I brought it up to him and he thinks I am an ego freak! Never mind he used to answer my calls with Hey Beautful, how are u today?
I miss the way things used to be between us, when I thought we could be a couple. I was so wrong! He is such a piece of work! I keep thinking I’ll meet some one worth my time but every time i reach out they just slip through my hands.
Oh well, tomorrow is another day! Glad for the exclusion or I would be there right now, drinking away my sorrows over my dissapointments and throwing my money in the slot trash can. Guess I will just have to grow up, cry my eyes out as usual, then suck it up and get over it!
bettie
 

[bettie]

So, postman rang the bell, twice, for me to sign for a registered letter. I an getting mail from casinos I’ve never been to telling me I am banned for life. I never knew indiana had so many!! I also got ad’s from "my" casino in the mix. Oh well, tore them up with out looking!
bettie

[kathryn]

Bettie,
You are doing great…when i excluded there were about 10 places i didnt know existed…thankfully!!! Hope you have had a lovely Easter, you are doing so well.
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxSometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

[finding_laura]

hey Bettie,
good for you!  Tear up those freebies that we know aren’t free at all.  Not only do they take our money they take our self-respect, pride, and self-esteem.  On the man front, well, I’m a firm believer in loving yourself first.  If you don’t, then you won’t attract a man that will.  Believe that you will meet a man who is what you want.  Let the universe work out the details.  In the mean time do things that make you feel good about you.  You deserve it!  Ok, lol, that is my positive pep talk.  Glad you are here Bettie, great getting to know such wonderful people.  Have a happy Easter.
Laura

[kin]

Dear Beattie, it is so encouraging to see your message in my thread, why is the first thread you read so important, what did i wrote in my thread that mean something to you….i ask myself why ?
Beattie , I m not quitting this fight, i will soldier on
Your message is important to me , thank you
 Gambling only adds to the pain,  its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …the  side affects actually make the original pain worseI must remember to count my blessing

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
This is not the message I thought I would be writing tonight. I was out with my sister helping her with an event she helps with monthly. Long story short, we were talking about money problems and I told her I was getting help with mine. She asked "mental help"? I said yes and she said "with gambling?" I broke down and said yes. She said she was glad and I told her I didn;t want to burden her, she has so much on her plate right now. My support friend called to check on me and we talked. Now this story should end in a success story right? Remember, this is my story so don’t be to suprised when I tell you I made an excuse to my sister to leave and went to the casino, where I’m not banned! I Blew It! And the funny part is the urge hit and knowing I was so close I just went for it. I hate that casino. I can’t say I even enjoyed one moment of it yet I stayed.(and my sister will know I lied to her because I used my card there and she is on my account!)
Lost the fight last nite, spent $$ that had a better place to go, covering my butt tomorrow but now have to call my friend and make a date to ban there now to. Why would anyone go and waste money someplace they don’t even like?
I have the binge hangover, spent most of the day covered in a blanket, eating Easter candy, with a pounding head and sick stomach!
I am sorry. I’m sure I’ve dissapointed all of you rooting for me and supporting me.
Like I said, I lost the fight, this time, but the war is only just starting!
Too sad to chat now, dissapointed in myself! Monday, day 1.
bettie

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
don’t be too hard on yourself.  Could be so many reasons why.  That last hoorah maybe?  You had come clean about your problem with your sister. Ok so now she knows I know I have a problem and I’m getting in one last gamble.  Who knows, who better  than you to examine the  triggers.  So you had a learning experience.  A hurtful one but a growing experience and you are already making plans to put it to good use.  You are banning from this latest temptation.  Good for you Bettie!  Don’t ever think you are letting us down.  I see someone who is determined to put the breaks on this addiction and turn things around.  One step at a time Bettie, you’ll get there.  Hope your Monday dawns brighter.
take care,
Laura

[golden girl]

I am a new poster here but when reading this I had to register and reply. Bette, when I banned myself from the boats in Illinois it was for all the boats there..I also banned myself in Missouri and they told me it was effective everywhere, even Illinois. Any boat they are linked to receives your banning request and puts you on their list. I couldn’t believe how intertwinned the boat industry is. It seems they are all connected one way or another. I saw a guy that banned himself in Missouri and can’t even play in Nevada..I am surprised you were able to play at a boat there in the same state without getting caught. Did you get paperwork ? Maybe you should reread it as I was explained everything and that included how I would be banned with any casino in  Mo or any casino linked with a boat in Missouri. They told me the same thing in Illinois. Since almost all casinos have a link to the boats in Illinois and Missouri I can not gamble anywhere..I believe the only places would be at a Indian run casino .
Anyway, If I told you my story you would run not walk away from any casino ..
Hugs..Golden Girl– 4/6/2010 12:35:49 AM: post edited by Golden Girl.

[bettie]

Hi Golden, Hi Laura,
I have not banned in Illinois yet and that is where I played. I will ban this week as I am not going to do this to myself again! It hurts too much. I know that I am banned at assocated casinos so while I broke no laws I did break my word, which is just killing me!
I would love to hear your story Golden! It helps when I read what others have gone through and how they have grown and/or struggled. It’s all part of the journey for me.
Laura thanks for the faith in my recovery. Lots of work to do here, odaat right? I slept good, valiem induced, but sound 8 plus hours. Long day ahead. I need to check into counciling today if time allows. Work has something that starts out free and I have no reason not to try something.
I think part of the relcutance to seek face to face help is denial. I’m not as bad as that, etc. I don’t feel that way but my CG mind does! It is almost like that person is Bettie-part 2. Today she is asleep in my head but I need to find a way to out smart her before she pops up again. She is smart and sneeky but bettie-part 1 suffers today for the choices bettie 2 made Saturday.
Scary isn’t it? I am now talking about myself in the 3rd person!
I have to find a way to make myself whole again. Big Job!
I did call my friend about going with me this week so I have a solid plan and thats a start.
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[howanan]

Hi Bettie… Coming back and writing about the slip is a step in the right direction in recovery.  Most of us have had a slip or more before realizing that it is just not fun any more.  I am glad you are going to self exclude from there.  Learn from this slip and put it away.  It has no place in your recovery………Nancy

[bettie]

Thanks Nancy,
My friend just called. She doesn’t have her schedule yet but she will call me today with it. No chance to back out with her on my case, and thats ok. I am acting like a child and need to be treated like one! Tough love but that’s what is needed right now.
Thanks for the chat harry, cully and kathyrn. You are right, i do need to tell my sister about the slip but the timming is so bad! I will have to wait untill we can have a one on one. Very hard to do with my Mom and her husband around 24/7.
Pray for her daughter. They will induce labor tonight and are thinking c-section. I know my sister is out of her mind with worry.
Can’t wait to see my first great-niece!
bettie
 

[coalminer]

Hey Bettie– well that sucks doesn’t it! 🙂  I keep waiting for my slip up–I’m sure it will happen.  But good for you for facing up to it.  That must mean something right?? Best wishes.

[kin]

Dear Beattie, it is so easy to stop gambling, after every slip or relapse , we stop.
How many times have we stop gambling , I lost count myself.
The real winner is the one who is able to stay stop
it is a big mountain to climb if we promise to stop forever
it is easier to do it one day at a time
7 days make 1 week
Let ‘s do it one day at a time, beattie
together
 Gambling only adds to the pain,  its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …the  side affects actually make the original pain worseI must remember to count my blessing

[female g]

well i think this a process and you are realizing the effects of gambling and that is a good thing.  We are in recovery not perfect but we are open to learn from our mistakes.  That’s just a temporary set back and you will be back on track again once you ban.  Good luck with that and i hope your friend will rush back to help you do itG

[vera]

HiBettie!
I hope your neice is safely delivered by now!
New life! New hope!
Gambling is such a waste of time, energy, money!
Your recent slip is just further proof that self-exclusion is the key to recovery!
Use that key wisely Bettie!
My Easter visitors left a couple of hours ago. As soon as they walked out the door my husband began to attack me about something totally insignificant. I retaliated. Immediatly I felt my blood boiling and my gut reaction was to grab my car keys and make for a dingy casino ( the one I am not excluded from)……..I said to my son, "he wants me out of the house, so why should i stay here"……….then I said " why not"!
So here I am sitting out my urge, typing away and coming to terms with my urge!
Gambling never resolved my problems in the past, so why should I expect it to now?
 all the sevens

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Thanks for all the posts. Today was stressful but OK. I hate to admit I had that "wish I was dead feeling" yesterday. I looked at my eyes in the rear view mirror and they just looked defeated! (Thats bettie 2, the cg, showing her true side!)
Scary!
I came home after work, water is off in the building, but I didn’t let that stop me from working out. Too bad I smell like a skunk, LOL, but I sleep alone so I won’t offend anyone!
Long day tomorrow. My friend hasn’t called with her schedule yet but she works until 10pm.
Niece is just settling into hospital now, I should be a great aunt tomorrow. I asked about comimg to the hospital if she needed a coach. I was put off right away. No, grandparents only allowed. That really hurt. I delivered her, coaching her mom after her dad left my sister when she was 6 months pregnant. Not the first time I have felt slighted by family but I love her none the less.
Gonna try to pick up, this place is a dump! I hate when I get lazy.
peace
bettie
ps Vera, sorry I blew the monthly pledge. I want back in so I will just have to make it a 3& 1/2 week pledge

[ddsroad]

Hi Bettie,
I hope you are feeling better.  Great to hear you went ahead and worked out.  It always makes me feel so much better.  I hope you neice has an easy delivery.  It’s tough when you are slighted by the family.  Hang in there, though, you are doing great!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

[vera]

3 and 1/2 weeks is great Bettie…I NEED company.
How I envy you working out…I don’t even know how! I’m serious!
Any tips?all the sevens

[bettie]

Thanks DD and Vera,
www,walkathome.com Leslie Sansone Vera, look at her dvd’s, beginner to advanced. I started with the 1 mile, and take off from there. She has stuff for teen’s to sr’s!
Still need to shut down pc and get to picking up. Water back on! Yea!
bettie

[coalminer]

Bettie–Re the "no grandparents" thing…we just went through that with our oldest when they had their first (which I think is the main reason I FINALLY made the break from gambling).  My wife was a little put off but they felt it was a private time just for the 3 of them and who were we to argue (and we felt we had lots of justification–they lived with us for awhile, we paid for this and that–all the things parents do).  Trust me when you see that little face staring up at you (or sleeping hopefully!!) all those thoughts will disappear.  Enjoy.

[bettie]

Hey Guys
Ban set for Saturday, I will be here alot until then!
No grand Niece yet-no update since 3pm.
bettie

[غير معروف]

Hiya Bettie:  Stick with us all week, we’re here for you!!  Good for you on the decision to ban on Saturday at the other casino.  Wonderful that you’re able to quickly pick yourself up and continue on the journey.  Keep it up … you rock!!!
Love,
RG
PS … I’m SOOO jealous you get to hold a newborn.  I LOOOOOOVE babies!!!May you be safe and happy.  May you be peaceful.

[bettie]

baby update…
She was born around 10:30 pm Tuesday night-c section. New daddy almost fainted and had to be taken out of the delivery room!
Mom & baby doing fine!
bettie

[salina]

Hi bettie
just wanted to stop in a see how u are doing..hows the banning going? New baby I hear how exciting…
thinkin of ya this to shall pass

[vera]

Congrats Grand aunt!
Welcome to Baby?????????…any n a m e yet?

[kathryn]

Congratulations Bettie,
Glad all is well, and im sure you are beaming!!!! Im so pleased you are going to self exclude on Saturday, way to go girl!!!
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxSometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Baby named Elise, 8lb 9 oz. I’ll see her after mom settles in at home.
Worked out hard tonight, trigger days but ok today. Thinking about "last hurrah" but i’m on Vera’s pledge so I will fight hard not to do that!
I keep thinking how it would be nice to bring baby a gift and I won’t have money to do that if I stray from my plan so here I am!
Tired, haven’t eaten but don’t plan to eat much. I need to get back on target so I plan to workout every day if possible but time will tell.
Gonna check some posts. I missed the tuesday night chat and wish i hadn’t but I had company.
Time to do the dishes!
peace
bettie

[thebfunk]

Thanks for response bettie. Good to see you are on the right track. Keep it up

[susant58]

Thanks Betty, I came to this forum tonight for the first time, and I read your 1st post. It touched me and helped me to feel that this is a good place to be,so thanks for having the courage to write on this forun and Thank you Lord for directing me here.
Susantomorrow is another day, but there is enough of today left to start making a change

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Saw the baby-sweet as can be. She looks just like my daughter did as a baby, not like her momma at all!
Trying to stay in, safer here, will checks posts.
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Still home, fwb stopped by and took my mind off of things. Boy, he just doesn’t get it! Said I should be in jail for all the money I stole from credit cards. I told him I stole from myself, my credit and yea, i used up my credit but they gambled when they gave it to me. I never lied about income to get credit and they had the credit reports. Was I wrong, yes! I have no excuse but he smiled like i got away with something.I haven’t, i pay for this mistake every day and always will. I will have to answer to my Maker about this too so u see, I got away with nothing!
After he left my other friend called, well he called when the other one was here but I was busy and couldn’t pickup!
I told him I wanted to go to the casino and asked him to take me. He said don’t waste your money at the casino. I told him to call me back.
I’m still here, I’m not going but I really have been fighting it all day today. Can’t wait to ban, and get new friends! LOL!
bettie

[kathryn]

Hiya Bettie,
Beautiful baby name, i love it!!! As for your fwb, i was giggling when i read that, being busy and all!!! lol
Keep fighting the urges, the sooner you ban the better, it will make life so much easier as there is not the temptation there that there was before.
Thanks for your post too…ive been woohooing all day!!!
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxSometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

[bettie]

Hi K, Hi Guys,
Stayed home, friend called, didn’t let me down for a change.
Come on Saturday!
bettie

[bettie]

touching base, came home, worked out, staying home too! real tempted for "one last gamble" but it’s not going to happen!
Come on Saturday!
bettie

[female g]

don’t give in and know that it is because of you and Salina banning that influenced my decission to self ban. i hope this gives ou an extra boast to stay out of the casino .  I am filling out the pappers this weekend and taking my husband with me for moral support.

[kin]

Hi Beattie, let ‘s encourage one another
Don’t start, our brake is faulty
When we start, we cannot stop
We are human not immortal,
we cannot control our thoughts,
they are automatic
There is nothing wrong about thinking and dreaming
Imagine someone with addictive behaviour
who walk into a supermarket and see all thse garbage food everywhere
If the person suddenly feel like acting out or grabbing a few bags of potato chips
It is nothing wrong, you don”t have to blame yourself or feel guilty, it is just a thought
You can think about it
You don’t have to fear it
This too will pass
You can think about it
But you don’t have to do it
When the thought pass
You will not want to do it
I m amaze of this particular one
I called someone on the phone
I told the person I want to act out
After talking to the person, if it still did not work
and I still want to do it
He ask me to delay it for 3 days
If it did not work
Call him before I act it out
3 days later, the day  to act out arrive
but the thought to act out disappear
Usually I don’t need to act it out anymore and I don’t want to do it too
I m not normal, I m belong to that 2 person in a hundred
I m born different, I m wired differently
I have addictive thoughts and behaviours
With better awareness and a recovery program
My chances of survival and having happiness is higher
Beattie, don’t do it
The thought will go away
Don’t listen to this thought
Don’t feed this thought
Fact
The pain of a relapse is many times more painful than the pain of staying stop in the beginning.
Gambling only adds to the pain,  
its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …
the  side affects actually make the original pain worse

I must remember to count my blessing

 — 4/10/2010 12:37:12 PM: post edited by KIN.

[kin]

An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.
He said to them,"A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.
The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too."
They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Grandpa simply replied, "The one you feed"
Which thought are you going to feed
“ the one telling you to place the last bet” or
“ the one that tell you not to do it” Gambling only adds to the pain,  its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …the  side affects actually make the original pain worseI must remember to count my blessing

[bettie]

Hi G,Kathryn and Kin,
Todays the day! Going to ban with my friend after work. Looking foward to it and the again I’m not. Silly isn’t is? I got such peace after banning Indiana and I hope to get that "high" again after today. My stupid FWB said maybe you shouldn’t ban Illinois just in case someone asks you to go for a little while (as posted before, he doesn’t get it!).
I asked him if he would take an achoholic to a bar, u know, for just one drink, or would he expect them to just sit and drink a coke?  He was like, oh yea, I guess you’re right.
Kathryn, good for u on banning! You will like the no choice option! It is really a relief!
have a great day!
bettie

[bettie]

bettie has banned in Illinois. The illinois gaming commision says she’s no lomger welcome there.

[kin]

Hope you will grow in strength to resist the urges and temptations along the way.
Trigger can be external like the casino but it can also be internal like your thoughts, feelings and emotions
Hope you will find the coping methods to deal with them.
Well done !!! you done something you did not do for many years in the past.
Note:
I wish you luck because this is just the begining…..it will take more than this to stay stop.
 Gambling only adds to the pain,  its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …the  side affects actually make the original pain worseI must remember to count my blessing

[howanan]

Well done Bettie.  You won this round.  Now when you get an urge, it will take you a long time to figure out how to scratch it…. or better yet to kick it to the curb.  Have a good Sunday…….NncyIf you pray – why worry……… If you worry – why pray.

[vera]

Three cheers for the Illinois Gaming Commission..!
Another hurdle crossed by Bettie!
Now to the "toyboys"!…all the sevens

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
been chatting, need to go to bed. I need to ban michigan because "bettie 2" is wispering in my ear, have one last gamble! I hate her, she won’t shut up!
Tribal casino so i will get info first.
see ya in the morning!
bettie

[stg033]

Hi Bettie
you should ban yourself from other casnios around you
thats my downfall right now

[kin]

DENIAL stands for~
Don’t
Even
Notice
I
Am
Lying"
Relapse is never an accident.
Relapse is a sign that we have a reservation about stopping.
A reservation is something we set aside for future use.
A reservation is the expectation that,
if such-and-such happens, it is ok to gamble.
Insanity:
doing the same thing over and over again
and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein,
Gambling only adds to the pain,  
its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …
the  side affects actually make the original pain worse

I must remember to count my blessing
 — 4/12/2010 1:59:41 PM: post edited by KIN.

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Denial=lieing to yourself!
true true!
Michigan is the last place I need to ban Stg-all the other boats "sank" and I can’t go back!
Tired, long day!
Hope all is well, my best to u all and thanks for the posts!
peace
bettie– 4/13/2010 1:55:31 AM: post edited by bettie.

[cully21]

 I want to thank you for your support and kindness bettie. I feel like your post title some today. I hate those thoughts.
God bless you. I got to hit the hay.
Cully21

[p]

Hi Bettie
Good for you for banning!  So glad to see you are doing well.  I had a 3 day slip which was a living nightmare, I am back again posting and trying to get back on track, i notice you have posted sometimes to me so thank you.  Keep going Bettie.
P Living and Learning

[kin]

Dear Bettie,
Where are you ???
If you are not here , you can be there
Come back !
 
 Gambling only adds to the pain,  its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …the  side affects actually make the original pain worseI must remember to count my blessing

[serenity6]

Originally posted by bettie

Today is my first day here. I was really suprised that so many people feel like they want to die after binge gambling. I am just shocked, I thought it was just me!
Of all the things in my life I must say I’ve never felt lower than I do right now. I am being threatned with forclusure and I haven’t been ontime with a bill in months. I filed bankrupcy last year and have to face what got me there.
I have loved to gamble since I was a child. Pitching pennies was the start for me. I went to Atlantic City when I was 19, I looked older, and spent the whole day on $50 bucks, food included. What a blast!
I played video poker in the bars at 21. It’s not legal but if you are known at the bar all you did was ask the bartender if they "paid out". They took a note of your score on a little pad of paper, shut the machine off, then paid you out.
Now you might get the impression that I have gambled all my life. Not true. The occasional lotto ticket was really the most I ever did. I made my first trip to Vegas 16 years ago when my sister paid for the trip. She got married and needed a sitter for her daughter. I got to play "Real" machines and loved it!
This went on for a few years, the annual trip, 100.00 a day budget. Controlled, fun, hoping for a big win. About 16 years ago the "boats" open in Indiana. I had offers to go but declined. I knew I didn’t have the money to spend and somehow I knew I liked it too much. This changed about 5 years ago when a group of work friends were going and invited me along. I was hooked! It started with going 1-2 times weekly after that. I started racking up debt but refinanced my home, took a home equity loan, and built a great credit record. Credit card companys gave me ten – twenty thousand dollar limits and cash advance checks with no interest for a year. I would gamble, get crazy, then cover it with a check.
I think the real problem came about 4 years ago. I won ten thousand dollars. Like every other gambler I was going to do great things with it. It lasted about a month. I paid some debt, gave some to my daughter, and blew the rest. In the last 4 years I got about eighty thousand dollars in debt, all credit cards. You would have thought they would have cut me off. Not their fault, I knew just how to move that debt so it was building my credit up.
Since the bankrupcy I find that I barely make enough to pay just the basics. I was living on those credit cards. I started working a second job but I don’t have any money for food and gas this week.I spend money that I need to pay bills. My daughter has been helping me out, not realizing she’s been supporting my habit. I lie, sneek around, avoid family and the few friends I have in order to gamble. I know I have to quit, I have never tried before. I keep thinking I can go back to the yearly trip to Vegas but I know that’s folly. I don’t want to ban myself because I want my free hotel rooms and steak dinners. I know this is false, they have never given me a thing, I paid for it all and then some! This is the start of my journey. I don’t want to EVER feel this way again. I am ashamed and just want to hide from it all. I planned to try a meeting today. I am making excuses and won’t make myself go. Maybe Thursday, I only work 1/2 a day. Thats a trigger time for me. I won’t gamble today. Tomorrow I work both jobs and won’t have the desire then either. Wednesday is a problem. I will find a meeting for then too. You all sound like friends. I hope to be in your good company too. Thanks for reading my book!

Welcome. You will find that you’re not alone. I’ve been there too. My suggestion is to go to a meeting every day if you can for 90 days. If you’re really ready to quite this will definitely work. As far as banning yourself from the casinos, theres people that may disagree with me. I banned myself. I decided I had to do whatever it would take to keep me awayfrom the boats. As far as the free comps, forget them. You can’t have it both ways and in order to stay clean you need to stay far away from anything that has anything to do with gambling and that can cause a trigger for you. It’s hard to think about NEVER being able to gamble again so just take "one day at a time." Hang in there and remember life is worth living especially when we don’t place a bet.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hey Kin. I didn’t leave just busy!
Thanks for checking up. I good, at peace wihout worring how to go gamble since I can’t, and it’s a good thing.
Co worker has mannaged to steal credit for one of my accounts and I am really upset but he has not heard the last from me. My boss will side unfairly with him on this but I am trying not to let it get to me. I won’t forget this and he better think long and hard before asking me to help him out anymore. I hate banking! Cut throut inviroment to get new accounts, very sad!
Gotta work out, getting late. I’ll check back latter!
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
Congratulations on being gamble free.  You are going well.  Sorry to hear of the other situaton at work hope it improves for you soon
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hey,
trying to post but i keep getting knocked off!
Have a good night, I’ll try again tomorrow!
bettie

[bettie]

hi guys,
hope to catch next chat. all is well!
bettie

[colin in brum]

Hi bettie, maybe see you in the chat later.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Missed the chat, internet down!!! Drats!!!!!!
bettie

[p]

Oh bettie there is nothing worse, computers are so frutstrating aren’t they.  I hope you get it fixed soon so you can come chat
 P – Living and Learning

[salina]

ahh how are u doing my friend? I hope things are going well with you. Please let me know how u are doing, I really think bout you often and pray that everything is ok;this to shall pass

[female g]

hope to chat with you on the weekend still on the band wagan too lol g

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Got asked out to lunch today by a guy i went out with a few times last year. Hey, i ain’t too proud to take a free meal when I’m flat broke! lol!
So, whats the first thing he ask’s me? "Been to the boat lately?" Told him nope, i don’t go any more. ( he is a cg in denial-plays the horses, has a ‘system" ) He could not believe it when i told him i banned. "Are you sure you’re not going to the boat tonight? What ya gonna do?" "Go home, work out, have an egg white omilet and relax."
Which is what I’m doing now!
Have a good night, hope to catch you all tomorrow on the chat!
peace
bettie

[female g]

well when i was leaving my granddaughter today she almost started crying, didn’t want me to go. she gave me so many hugs too.  Just started walking too. What a joy she is.  It was worth it even if I was exhausted. It was a nice day and we went to the park such a better way to spend the day.  Glad you were able to relax tonight and stayed strong too good for you.  talk on the weekend ok G

[bettie]

Hi G,
So sweet those babies!
Need to stay busy, time to clean!
bettie

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
want to come do my house when you are done of yours?  I want one of those home makeovers you see on tv.  They can clean sweep it and then decorate it.  You are remembering to do things that are healthy for you and will make you feel great.  Don’t forget to do some things that are just for fun.  And if you can’t think of any make a list 🙂
Come to think of it I should take my own advice and make a list.  Good talking with you earlier Bettie.  Have a good night if I miss you.
Laura

[kathryn]

Hi Bettie,
Just wanted to drop by and say hi…you are doing great.  I think it shows your commitment too, telling your friend like that, although i do hope you enjoyed the lunch! lol
As for me, no hangover this morning, and i am grateful for that really, i am going to the football today.  30,000 people screaming…imagine my head!!!  At least now i will be screaming along with them!
Have a great day, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[p]

Hi Bettie
You are doing so well.  I had to be proud of you when i heard you tell your friend you don’t go to the boat anymore, way to go girl, you are proving that you are on this no gambling road, together with all of us, over the world .  You are doing great Bettie, keep up the good work.  So happy for you
 P – Living and Learning

[kin]

Glad to see you active in here.
it is impossible to be in 2 places at 1 time.
When one is here,
one is not at the slot machine
they say a leopard cannot change its spot ( body )
but
a leopard can change its spot ( location )
I learn in recovery
a selfish person can do unselfish deeds
a problem gambler can hang out in places with no gambling
Way to go girl, keep it up ! Bettie
The clean days is adding up
One day at a time
 Gambling only adds to the pain,  its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …the  side affects actually make the original pain worseI must remember to count my blessing

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thank you all for the support! Up early, didn’t finish cleaning Laura so I can’t help u out! My brother invited me for dinner, something i would never do on a "boat" night, so I hung out with him instead!
I have plans today with my friend to go thrift shopping. I bought a suit for $4 last week and it was a hit. She always asks how I find these deals so I thought I would show her. She is kind of a prude so this should be fun.
My AA friend called yesterday and wanted to know why I had not been to GA yet. I told her I had not yet found the time. she said yea but u found time to gamble. True, but I could do that 24/7 and GA has limited times. She doesn’t believe me so i told her to look at the site and call, I’ve done both.Wed and Thurs are really the only good times for me.
I am just now wanting to explore that option. Wanted it during the "crisis" in Feb, too upset to go. Now I need to make the time. I am enjoying the "honeymoon" period of banning and am not having big urges now which is great. I need the skills to prevent the next binge. it’s like dieting, to be successful you must plan ahead and I am smart enough to know that. But I am loving the "honeymoon"!
Kin, u are sounding better! Stick with your plan. You are stronger than u give yourself credit for!
Salina, the story of me and my ex husband is unusual. Most Ex’s don’t get along like we do but it did take years to get there. We both had to grow up, we were both babies when we married. If I called him right now with a problem he would be here and if I could help him out with something I would. We did see each other when he was between wives and he had proposed to me between wife 2 & 3. I told him been there, done that! The things I didn’t like about him haven’t changed much and I didn’t feel like getting another divorce. lol!
P,FG, Katheryn, thanks for the words of wisdom!
Hope to chat a little now.
be well,
bettie

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
I just got off chat, have to get some things done too.  Good to hear you are enjoying the honeymoon.  Sounds like you know what you need to do.  You’ll get to it.  Have a good day and maybe see you later.
Laura

[ddsroad]

Hi Bettie,
Just wanted to stop by and see how you are doing.  Sounds like you are doing fantastic.  The banning has been a wonderful step and I can see it in your posts.  Keep up the good work!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

[bettie]

Hi DD,Hi Laura,
Should have went on my hunch and joined chat! Oh well, wanted to put away sewing machine so i can pick up the kitchen. Had to fix a skirt and jeans. Got that done but no one on chat!
Until next time….
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
tired! long day at work and long day tomorrow. my phone almost didn’t stop ringing last night so i couldn’t get back to chat.
Vera, chicken was good, both fwb’s at the job within 2 minits of each other. Close call as I was outside talking with one and knew the other was on his way. Yea, big time sweating!lol!
Got to get ready for another long day tomorrow.
Take care!
bettie

[bettie]

Hey!
I’m home, hope to be on chat tonight. Tired as heck! Just gonna kick back a little. Hope I don’t fall asleep!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Saw something interesting on a gambling support site.
"Anyone who gambles is a compulsive gambler. The only difference is to what degree they are addicted."
"You can not win gambling, all gamblers are loosers because you will eventualy re-gamble that back, no matter how much you win. When ever you go back to gambling you are only continuing your "loosing streak" no matter how much or little you play."
Now I don’t know that every gambler is a cg in waiting but the theory is interesting. I do agree that I do not know of any gambler who has kept any winnings, period.
I am doing good. I am not dweling on gambling or on wanting to gamble so that is a blessing and total change for me.
Hope everyone is doing well.
peace
bettie
 

[kin]

do it one day at a time
keep posting, we believe in youGambling only adds to the pain,  its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …the  side affects actually make the original pain worseI must remember to count my blessing

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie:  You’re sounding wonderful, I am so proud of you.  Keep up the positive attitude and before you know it, you will have many more days and weeks free of this affliction.
I am back on the wagon, as of this moment.  Got it all out and am now ready to go forward.
Hope to see you on chat.
Love,
RGMay you be safe and happy.  May you be peaceful.

[ddsroad]

Bettie,
You are sounding great!  Thanks for the encouraging post.  I really, really appreciate it!  Stay strong!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Thanks for the posts!
I have 2 parties today after work so i don’t think I will get much of a chance to chat today. Should be fun but I am fretting about spending the $$. Funny, if I was going to the boat $45 bucks would be a drop in the bucket but spending it for the party bus and admission to a "drag" show seens like a lot to me! (girl at work is getting married, bachlorette party). I’ve never been to a bachlorette party so it should be fun. "Toy party" at her house first, those are a hoot! ( if u don’t know what that is, don’t ask!) Then off to the drag show in a party bus.
Hope to catch chat tomorrow. See u then!
peace
bettie

[finding_laura]

Wohoooo Betty, party on! Hope you have a great day and a great time.  $45 bucks wouldn’t have lasted long at the casino and you would have only had a machine for company.  No laughs there.  Sorry will miss you on chat today, but there is always tomorrow.  Can’t wait lol.
take care,
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Party was a hoot! Didn’t do the bus thing though, couldn’t get tickets for the show and the young ones were going club hopping-a little out of my league.
FWB ticked me off yesterday, I am so frustrated with this whole "relationship". Time to cut my losses and move on. I have had triggers all day today and wanted to go to the casino. I have been thinking all day about how many times my dissapointment in my "love life" or true lacking of having a "real" partner in my life has sent me running to the casino. Sad today when I should have been happy-I let him do that to me.
Tried the chat but I seemed to be missing everyone. I wouldn’t have been good company today anyways.
but i didn’t gamble
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
You are doing great.  You didn’t gamble!!! Congratulations.  You are moving on up Bettie and don’t you let anyone else bring you down.  Come on chat no matter how you feel, you dont have to be feeling all up beat to go on there come on there even if you feel like crap.  By the time you leave you will most likely feel better, I am speaking from experience!  It has helped me many times. I practically lived on there all weekend.  My son had his cousin here so was playing all weekend and I had time to talk to all my GT friends, you are one of them, so hope to see you next time on chat.  Good on you Bettie you have come a long way.
 P – Living and Learning

[female g]

great to hear you made it through your urges. especially when things are difficult.  Every cloud has its silver lining !!!!  Didn’t have a chance to chat this weekend but hopefully next weekend. Stick with us progress is awesome. Wishing every day is yours to be happy with.G

[bettie]

Hey Guys,
Thanks for the posts. Things are always brighter when the sun comes up and you have had a decent nights sleep.
I am learning how to cope without running to the boat to escape. That is new for me.
Have a long day today and tomorrow. Looked at some threads but no time to write. Will try to post tonight or tomorrow.
Thanks for all the support! Nice way to start the day!
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
glad things are looking better this morning.  Have a great day.
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Lost my post! Boo Hoo!
Hope to be on chat tomorrow. H ave a great evening!
bettie

[kathryn]

Hi Bettie,
So glad you had a great time at the bachelorette party…pity about the drag show…my absolute favourite thing.  When i went to Bali 10 years ago we went to a drag show there, and you could not tell that these women were men…they were stunning!!!  My husband dressed in drag once, we had a hookers and deviots night many many years ago and he wore my little black dress, complete with fishnets, red lipstick and his goatee beard…hysterical. He would never admit it though, but i think all men would like to try on a dress just once!!!!
You are doing so well with your urges Bettie, dont let FWB send you back, he is definitely not worth it, not when you are doing such a great job with your recovery. 
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[p]

Hi Bettie
So good to hear that you are finding things apart from gambling that is such great news.  You have come a long way when you look back at where you were before!  Yey Bettie, life is so much better without gambling
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the chat. Everyone who reads this please say a little prayer for my friend Salina who is having a hard time right now. Send out your love!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

 Hi Guys,
The jerk who ticked me off Saturday night/Sunday called. I gave him a tast of his own medicine, I’m too busy to talk, I’ll have to call you back. I didn’t call him.
I hate to be like that, it’s just not my nature to be mean to people but I have to stop letting these guys get the best of me. I have been having urges ever since but I’m not gonna do it.
Came home, worked out, cleaning started.
Tomorrow is another day. I will be strong and i WILL NOT GO GAMBLE! I will deal with my sad feelings LIKE AN ADULT!
No one can do this for me, I have to do it myself.
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[ddsroad]

Hey Bettie,
Excellent!  You just stand up for yourself.  You are worth being treated well, so don’t you forget it!  You are doing a great job with the urges.  And, yes, if you keep working out when you get urges, you’ll have them standing in line.  Just remember, you have a ton to offer someone and you are worth it!
Thanks so much for the very kind reference to me in the "I’m thankful" post and right back at YOU!  You are doing great!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

[p]

Hey Bettie
You keep on going, you are doing really well right now.  Working out and cleaning hey, both those things sound healthy and productive, sure beats gambling Bettie and you are doing such a great job on the gamble free road, nice to see you in chat
 P – Living and Learning

[neon]

Bettie,
Thank you for sharing.  It really helped reading your post.  I think I know what I need to do.  Please keep your post going.  You are not alone and I feel the same as you.  Thanks for the suggestion to work out.  That is something I need to do more often. 
ThankyouThe sun will come out tomorrow.

[female g]

good on you you for doing so well and i will be sure to drop a line to Salina.  We all know that the slipps are all apart of the recovery process.  Hopes she knowes too.g

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
My cable and internet have been down since Thursday!
Still down today, won’t get fixed until Sunday!
Miss you!
bettie

[ej]

Life is interesting and frustrating in the recovery stage…woke up this morning planning to do one thing and a whole bunch of things came up and felt guilty if I did not do these other things my life woulld fall apart so easy to divert my attention to something else and forget who I am and my desire to quit gambling so have to learn to say f it to the other things and do what I really want to do hey thats healing…I am Eric and I am not a victim..that felt good…and I chose not to gamble today Peace

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Caught some of u on the chat-so good to see u all.
Silent treatment does work-boy do I hate playing games with people! Just not me!Oh well, the "friend" made an apology, thats a first! Seems I missed many calls all week, he was worried. I told him what an *ss he was and he agreed, guess thats a start. He still needs to go though.
Sundays are hard but I will survive. No gambling-one month today. Thats a first!
Hang in there! odaat!
peace
bettie 

[bettie]

TAKING A BREAK FROM CLEANING! i AM SO STUPID!
My cable/internet has been down since Thursday. I was cleaning because cable guy was comming. I moved my chair to vacumm and guess what? MY BOOSTER FOR THE CABLE WAS UNPLUGED! WHAT A MORON!!
Canceled the cable guy, plugged in the booster, all  is well! Thank God I caught that. They would have charged me a service call fee!
Live and learn!
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
Good to see you are doing well, taking a break from the cleaning i see, well I am doing the same, i am attacking this stuff i havent been able to in a long time, i dont know why but always put it off so for the whole weekend i am doing it, and the way everything looks now it is a pretty daunting job but i break it down into smaller chunks it is more managable just like the gambling!  Breaking it down to one day at a time. You are doing great Bettie, keep going. 
Had to laugh about the cable.  I have had so many probs with my computer lately hopefully resolved soon
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Reading threads, catching up. So Tired! Seem like a lot of new folks lately. Sorry they have "the problem" but glad they found GT.
I think about gamnling less and less but I went to my friends house in Indiana and I knew if I had not banned I would have found an excuse to go to the boat. I had no $$, couldn’t write a check without going to jail so that snuffed the desire right out.
Broke and happy today! What a blessing!
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
Wow you sound so happy in your posts, congratulations.  You are doing so well, so glad Bettie, I am going ok!  wish i could ban from everywhere it makes me sad that it is so hard here but I just have to work at those other barriers.  Glad you are enjoying life Bettie, keep smiling
 P – Living and Learning

[p]

Hi Bettie
Wow you sound so happy in your posts, congratulations.  You are doing so well, so glad Bettie, I am going ok!  wish i could ban from everywhere it makes me sad that it is so hard here but I just have to work at those other barriers.  Glad you are enjoying life Bettie, keep smiling
 P – Living and Learning

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… had no $$, couldn’t write a check …
… happy today! What a blessing …

Good morning Betty,
Good to see you were able to snuff out the urges and stay gambling free; well done.
I find that not carrying $$ and not being able to write a check (plus not having a ATM card or the use of cash advances on credit cards) my biggest barrier. Keep yours in place, having them as part of your armory makes saying no somewhat easier resulting in being happy and blessed.
God’s speed.Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
What an interesting day. I had a customer I had not seen in over two years come into the bank today. He talked to me a while before he realized who I was. He said "You look like a new person," I told him "110lbs makes a difference." He laughed and asked me out to lunch! What a nice guy! Had a good time. And a gentleman too! Opened the car door, restruant door, no question about the check. Refreshing!
My friend who plays the ponies called me at work. Seem he has moved on from the off track betting parlor to online gambling. He has 5 pending tractions and has spent over 1500.00 in the last week. I asked him if he was ready to stop as it seemed his "system" that he told me about didn’t seem to be working. He really didn’t see the humor. I was mean I know but this is the guy who kept asking me "are you sure you’re not going to the boat" and was trying to get me to try playing the horses.
Feeling good today!
peace
bettie– 5/6/2010 12:34:48 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Ok, Whats up with the stars??
My trucker buddy called, he wants to take me to Miami Beach for Mothers Day! The question? Will my boss let me have the time off??
I haven’t had a vacation in 2 years. All I would have to cover is my food. Will it happen? Pray and cross your fingers!
bettie
this turned into a near disaster!!!!!– 5/8/2010 11:19:39 PM: post edited by bettie.

[ej]

hey Bettie looks like you are doing very well congrats and will pray so that ur stars line up right and thanks for ur post life is good still trying to clean up my house no time working working to catch up I guess forgetting to slow like someone told me on the advice line it took a long time to get to where I am at so it’ll time to recover have to remenber to have fun and take a holiday too well keep up the good work bye Eric

[mobikom]

Bettie: Keep it up.You should love the days you are not gambling. You have a clearer mind and best of all you are living and enjoying every single day of it. It oppose to your journal "woke up wishing i was dead today". :)"You cannot change the system but you can change who you are"."I would not gamble with money i do not have" and "Make promises i can’t keep".

[bettie]

I wish I coukd say I’ve enjoyed the last couple of days but life is like that.
My friend who invited me on the trip has not called me back. Period.
I had a miserible time trying to get the time off. My asst mgr was worried about coverage but that was no issue when she and the only other banker were off at the same time and I worked by myself for a week. That whole thing left me in tears and so upset I am ready to quit, if only I could!
So I go to all this trouble, secure the time, risk my job and make a general *ss out of myself and this idiot can’t even return my call. I just don’t get it! Why did he even call and invite me in the first place. Men, chime in here, what happened?? I am puzzled.
Oh well, long story short he better not call. PERIOD! I am deleating him from my phone. facebook and life. It really doesn’t matter at this point, the only acceptable excuse is he’s dead. and if he’s not then he has no explanation that would be accepted.
BOY WOULD I LIKE TO GO GAMBLE! There, I said it. I have been urges since this mess started yesterday. I know how to set myself up for failure! Now I need to work on planning to succeed!
I’m going to go on the chat, I am going to stay home. I took the last of my cash out of the bank today and it’s in my purse screaming go=go=go!
Just got to yell back NO-NO-NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bettie
 

[p]

Hi Bettie
Sorry you are having a hard time.  I have lost my best friend so i understand.  He doesnt put in any effort to keep our friendship going so can’t see the point of it always being me, i figure if there is no effort being made on his part he really cant care that much.  I have let go of that a long long friendship and it was really good for the most part so will just remember the good times and try to move forward.  Before i would really try to hold on but i know now it is time to let go.  Life is out there for us Bettie.  You keep saying no no no to that purse too ok, go on chat instead, what a wonderful idea.  It has been a saviour for me many times, this site has been truly amazing.  i am so glad i found it and got to meet people like you Bettie.  See you on chat!
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

I know things don’t happen by chance, i believe in fate.
This wasn’t meant to be so it didn’t work out. "He" was just an actor in the play of life, put there to see how i would pass this test.
I will win and move past this dissapointment like an adult and say too bad, so sad!
"Tomorrow, is another day!"    Scarlett O’Hara  aka bettie

[mobikom]

Hello Bettie. Not to worry, God says "Good Things Happen To Those Who Wait" *wink :)"You cannot change the system but you can change who you are"."I would not gamble with money i do not have" and "Make promises i can’t keep".

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Stayed home, made it through. Cooler heads will prevail! Thanks to V, Laura, Pp, Katheryn and last but not least Mobi, for the chat yesterday. Thanks for letting me vent. I think that Mobi and I were on by ourselves for over an hour!
What a sweetie!
Need to work out and rid myself of some of the junk food I ate yesterday. Going to pick up my Mom amd do her hair for Mothers Day.
happy day moms!
bettie

[p]

hey Bettie
I hope you had a great day!  You are sounding good and working through all that life is throwing at you, need i say, without gambling, well done Bettie so proud of you
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
made it through work, gave  little cold shoulder to the asst manager, resigned to "take it like a man". It’s just hard when you feel like you’re not treated fairly but my friend told me to hang in there, better days are coming my way. So hard not to be down about the whole situtation, ( the idiot still hasn’t called ) and hard not to be a pessamist.
I will survive, hurt feelings and all, and be better for it.
Now a gambling question, why does my head say you should plan a trip to the casino when things settle down, you deserve to enjoy yourself.
What is fun about giving your money to a machine??
I am trying to replace that thought with, What summer concerts are comming up that u would like to go to? How about a trip to a bed and breakfast? I’ve never done that!
Ring up the Cousin, she likes the adventure, plan something, anything, just not a gambling trip!
Why do I want to do this? What is fun about a gambling hangover? Why do I think I can gamble just a little?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???????????????????
I know the answer but want to be in denial about it.
YOU ARE A COMPLUSIVE GAMBLER DUMMY! THATS WHY!
odaat
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
I so relate to what you are saying, how  many times have i thought i could go back and just spend a little, it never happens, ever!  but some part of the brain still says we can and i guess that is the compulsive part of our illness.  It definately is an illness isnt it.  i am off to a meeting tonight, doing everything i can to stay strong.  On we go Bettie, dont look back
 P – Living and Learning

[female g]

the gambling monster rearing its ugly head trying to convince you to do what you know is just not worth it.   The anwers are all around you. read and remind yourself from the posts of all your cg friends.  none of us can come up with great success stories from our gambling addiction. There just aren’t any.  I too see that my life without gambling still reguires lots of hard work, even more than i realized., after all escaping was easier that is for sure.  But i want to be the person who says i will take the time to work through things and stop running to a more destructive lifestyle call GAMBLING. I want to also be there for each other as we struggle through each and everyday G

[kathryn]

Hey Bettie,
Oh, this addiction is clever, any excuse to start those urges, it knows exactly what to do. 
So, plan that concert, trip to a B&B and give that addiction the cold shoulder, you are travelling so well Bettie, you do deserve something special, gambling will only add to your grief, get excited about life and living, ring your cousin and organise something fun!!! It was great catching up with you on chat on the weekend.
Take care girl, Kathryn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the posts. Gotta jump in the shower and get to work.
I am here getting my motovation for the day. Need to be productive, eat better today, and should have worked out but maybe after work. I have been binge eating and haven’t worked out since last week-not a good way to deal with my urges but at least i didn’t gamble.
The best thing about today is the chance to start clean!
I have been working on a list of things I need and things I want to do once I get that check this month, Gambling is NOT on that list!
peace
bettie

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie!  Hey, if you are ever wanting to get away on a weekend trip and want a companion let me know.  I am in Illinois too and fighting this ugly demon as well.  Stay strong girl, you are doing great!
JulesIf you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

Today has been the worse ever food binge day i have ever had!
I had great intentions then BOOM, I was walking out the door and was hit with a major dizzy spell. I don’t know if I was having low bloor sugar or a reaction to my new blood pressure pills, but i stopped at the Mc Donalds and had a lousy greasy breakfast, which seemed to help a bit but then I started sweating, and I mean major rainfall! I was soaked by the time i got to work, even with the air on in the car! My hair, which took me 30 minits to straighten and style, looked like a fuzzball!
I have been eating ever since! Donuts. french frys, cheese burger, bread, ice cream, u name it!
UGG!!!!
I bet i’ve hade 6000 calories today!
I need to call my "girlie" doctor tomorrow, maybe menopause??
At least that kept me from thinking about gambling!
Tomorrow is another day!
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
Sounds like you are going through something at the moment.  I love my food too Bettie, I definately notice when i eat junk the effect on me.  We gotta look after ourselves Bettie.  One trick i have found is always making sure i have healthy food in the house.  Eating it before i go out too.  Take a healthy snack with you for the road, or maybe you could take lunch with you where you are going.  just a suggestion, sometimes i pig out on junk, its ok once in a while but all the time will make you feel worse.  Anyway just wishing you all the best and hope you are feeling good soon
You are doing so well on the gambling Bettie
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi P, Hi Guys,
Yes, i’m usually better prepaired food wise at home but i was so broke this week i didn’t shop for food and had to rely on the freezer . Being too lasy to cook also led to buying cheap fast food-a big no-no and it didn’t help that i bought 2, not 1 but 2 half gallions of ice cream! I just ate some too! Yummy!
Oh well, i worked hard today so maybe that won’t be too damaging.
I feel better today but tired, need to nap and maybe get back on the ball and pick up this messy place.
I am feeling better about that last urge crisis so thats a good thing.
bettie
 

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettieWoke up wishing I was dead today

Originally posted by Ken L

May 13 Reflection for the Day

… when a person stumbles through the day in a pit of despair, wishing to die, but refusing to die; when a person gets up the next day and does it all over again – well, that takes guts… Have I the courage to keep trying, one day at a time? …

Good afternoon Betty,
Good to visit with you in Group today.  After I left I read Ken L’s Reflection for the Day and thought of you and your topic title.  If you get a chance read it.
It is obvious that your "wish" has changed into a desire to live; a desire to live gambling free.
God’s speed. Stay strong.Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

[bettie]

Hi Larry,
Funny you should mention it but I have thought about starting a new thread. I have only had the "wish I was dead" feeling once after starting this thread but I now know that many feel like i did then, when I thought I was all alone.
I hope in someway it gives hope to someone feeling that sick scarry way I felt at that time.
It serves as a reminder of what depths this illness will take you if you let it.
You’re right Larry, I WANT TO LIVE! I WANT TO BE HAPPY! Gambling will NEVER give me the GOOD FEELING that I now have by NOT GAMBLING!
I need to remember this and not become complacent. That is a sure road to disaster.
Always good to chat with you too!
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

 
 
I copied this from Marilee’s thread. It speaks so much truth ( at least to me ) that I almost cried when I read it.
I would recomend having someone to whom you are trying to explain this illiness to read it.
Thanks Marilee, hope you are ok where ever you are. 
  
It often crosses my mind that being an addict is like trying to communicate with a deaf world.  You are trying and trying to say the words, but no one can hear you.  It is a disease of incredible loneliness, isolation, secrecy, fear and depression.  Since you don’t walk with crutches, have a cast, bandages or bruises, others do not know you are sick. In the beginning, you don’t know you are sick either.  It may be more visible to others who notice your mood, your unhappiness, your withdrawal, than it is to you.  Make no mistake – the denial of a problem is protecting the addict from a pain they are not ready to handle.  With all addictions, moving from denial is a risky process.  It involves putting your relationships, your self-esteem, your sanity on the line.  To get from denial to acknowledgement, those who surround you need to understand this:  gambling is NOT about the money.  Money is only the tool that helps us continue to use a coping mechanism to deal with negative emotions.  The power of the addiction is that, in the beginning, this tool worked amazingly well.  In the beginning, a casino feels like a safe place.  No one asks anything of you, the lights and noise distract your thoughts, for one hour or ten, you have nothing to do but sit and press a button that randomly rewards you.  Go back to any Psychology 101 class and you will find that it is proven that random rewards are far more powerful in sustaining the behavior.  This would be an ideal solution, except that – like an alcoholic who needs more and more alcohol to get drunk – a gambler needs to go more often to shut off the negative emotions and the anxiety, depression and despair that those emotions cause.  Eventually, the financial losses accumulate, and you add yet another layer of problems to the many you already couldn’t cope with.  In many ways, it is easier to see the financial problems as the only ones you really have.  There isn’t a gambler out there who doesn’t say "if only I could win $10,000 my problems would be solved".  Well, they would be solved on one level – relief from the stress of unpaid bills, collection calls, legal action – but the reasons why you gamble have not been addressed and you would begin the cycle all over again.
Gamblers are both alike and different.  We are alike because we have chosen a coping mechanism for psychological pain that, without question, will lead to financial ruin, destruction of relationships and often death.  We are alike because we all play a negative tape in our heads – "I am stupid", "I am worthless", "If anyone really knew me they would not love me"; and on and on it goes.  We are only different in the life situations that cause us to have the negative emotions.
What can those who are close to a gambler do?  Perhaps it is easier to list what I believe they should not do.  Do not judge, belittle or demean us.  That is what we do to ourselves in our head.  Words like "shocked" "disappointed" "angry" will not help us.  They will increase the negative emotions, and increase the drive to release that pressure by gambling more.  Do not place the blame for your emotions on us.  "You hurt me because you lied" "You have taken my trust".  We can’t deal with our own emotions, how in God’s name are we supposed to deal with yours?  Those close to a gambler need to work concurrently with us – find your own outlet and help for your emotions while we are dealing with ours.  We are not indifferent to how those around us are feeling, we are simply not capable of helping them.  Do not expect a gambler to tell you why they gamble.  For some it is a lifelong pursuit to understand it themselves.  At a minimum, it is a lengthy process of uncovering the many things in their past that brought them here.  Do not expect a gambler to just stop once they have acknowledged the gambling.  You are an addict for life.  Recovery often involves relapse.  Think of it this way – if someone tells you that you can never, ever have chocolate again, wouldn’t you run around and binge on it before it was gone?  A gambler is losing the only crutch they have and it is very scary.  Until other, different and healthy coping mechanisms are in place, we are terrified to be without our gambling crutch.
What can you do?  Always, always have compassion.  Someone you love is in terrible pain.  If they had a physical disease, you would unquestionably be there to support them.  But they have an emotional disease – and they need you even more.  Tell them you love them, need them, and want to suppport them to get well.  Don’t threaten them – "If you gamble again I am leaving".  Unless of course that is how you really feel.  If so, say it, mean it, do it.  This is an intensive battle for the gambler’s life.  If you’re not in it for the long haul, then get out of the way.  It is okay to place reasonable conditions on your support  – "I’ll drive you to your meetings but I won’t give you money" – but that doesn’t mean your love can be conditional. 
Respect the gambler.  There is no dignity in this disease.  We have spent a long time and a lot of energy creating a false mask for others in order to hide our disease and our pain.  Admitting you are an addict takes more courage than most people will ever know.  We deserve to be respected for this.
It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….
Looking for the Wisdom– 5/13/2010 11:09:41 PM: post edited by bettie.

[finding_laura]

Hi Bettie,
so glad you posted that.  Funny, I was thinking of Marilee last night.  Just  quickly wondering how she is doing and hoping all is well in her world. 
And of course I stopped by to see how things are in your world Bettie.  Sounds as though you are working things through.  I think that was a tough part for me.  Knowing that all the crappy feelings that made me want to run to gambling were still there to deal with.  But, I am learning to cope in healthier ways.  I want to have a healthy balanced mind.  Going to take some work on my part!  I am on my guard against replacing with another addiction.
Good for you Bettie on your thoughts on mr wrong.  He doesn’t deserve your friendship.  I see a smart, caring woman who deserves to be treated with respect.  Don’t settle for less Bettie.
Have fun working on that list!  That sounds like a great idea.  Then the hard part will be deciding what you are going to do.  But writing down all the possibilities must be fun.
Have a great day Bettie.  Weekend chat is nearly here 🙂
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Laura, Hi Guys,
I spent a lot of time reading my thread. Funny how the urges go hand in hand with the times I feel slighted or upset about something but mainly someone. I would have never made that connection before. Interesting.
"Settle for less", that is the main theme here. I do it all the time Laura, i just never saw the pattern before.
well, something solid to work on. I am  "people pleaser" and allow myself to be taken advantaged of.
Learning-thats a good thing!
bettie

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
this people pleaser says "I hear ya"! 
Laura 🙂

[female g]

hey Bettie glad to see you are really figuring things out and trying to change the way you respond to the day to day.  I too people please way to much and its hard to change that., but at least like you i am more aware and can try to take steps tp change old habits and replace them with new more condusive ones that will leave us more satisfied and feeling less used.G Stay strong in recovery

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
I have been trying to get into the site since last nite, I thought u were gone forever!
I kept getting "run time error" but no site, even at 5 am today!
Glad you’re still here GT! Don’t make me panic! LOL!
bettie

[bettie]

 
When I couldn’t get on GT last night i found this on a site called Stop Gambling Now. It is very long but it really says alot about how i’m feeling these days.  Someday I will get all of this right because frankly, I’ve had ENOUGH.
Friday, August 22, 2008

ENOUGH
A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK.
(They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh,what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive,how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard
the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love…. and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms… just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely…

You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK…. and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want…and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch… and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve… and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time… FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful
and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God (whatever you believe him/her to be) by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

— AUTHOR UNKNOWN
(But dearly appreciated)
It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Still can’t get into the chat! Drat!

[female g]

I know i tried numorous times late last night too 🙁  Everything is back though and managed to get on for awhile this afternoon.  hope your doing ok and enjoyed the post. Very thought provoking and interesting.G

[bettie]

Hi G,
I did get on with a lot of lags. I’m sure they will work it out.
Hope to catch u.
bettie

[trojanfan]

Bettie! Nice to have met you today in the chat. Great pizza right?Yes we can

[bettie]

Sweet Young Man Trojanfan!
Time to start that journey and that thread!
dON’T WAIT 20 years like most of us have, u have a full lifetime ahead of yourself!
Start Now!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I loved this message so much but it is too much to absorb at once so I thought I would break it down and work it odaat, or one week or one month, however long it takes to sink in.
This message is a good one to start on.
"And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. "
 
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[p]

Hey Bettie
Just love it!!! Nice reading.  Hope to see you again soon on chat!
 P – Living and Learning

[salina]

Hi Bettie!
Sorry it’s taken so  long to post. I’m just not feeling like it but I know I need to. I am sitting here, Monday evening, watching the cats clean themselves and wondering if it could all be just that simple!  My life is really starting to reap the consequences of my behavior.. I dont know how long I can keep up.
As for your post and your words, well yes it is all so true.. life is really your body and like it says the temple. I hope that you are treating your temple with respect that it so well deserves. Laughing,playing and resting are all part of the respect.
I have trouble with the whole respecting myself and valuing it. From what I understand your health is the most valuable asset you have.. and we as cgs have forgotten that.. I am hoping that someday, just someday I will remember and act on that fact..
Thanks for listening and being there. Everytime I go online I know Bettie will be there and thats a good thing!
I will be here tomorrow night for group hope you will be there too!
 this to shall pass

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Nice way to start a long day, nice to see your posts.
Had a long talk with my exgambling buddy. She hasn’t gone since I banned Indianna in March. She says she doesn’t miss it at all. Wow, I’m not doing it but I am missing it!
Gotta get to work, I hope to be on group tonight.
peace,
bettie

[kathryn]

Hey Bettie,
Missing it or not, you are not gambling and THAT is the power of you girl!!!!
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[female g]

Well I am glad that that I can focus more on my temple both physical and not lol. i am quite busy getting ready to move to my new temple lol at the end of the month.  I too miss the casino but not the waste of time.  So I am like you thinking of better ways to use the precious time I have.  I enjoyed reading your posts too and I look forward to the good days ahead.G

[p]

Hey Bettie
I too miss those machines some days like you wouldnt believe!  but in the end i know that being there with them is going to cause way too much misery and i try to remember the last time i thought it would be fun to go try again!  It was not fun! 
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
I caculated the overdraft fees that my horsey betting friend has had on his account. In 18 months he has given away 5800.oo in fees ALONE! This doesn’t even count what atm fees he’s paid at the off track betting parlor. I wonder if he knows or if he just blocks it out of his head like I did. It’s a little odd being on the other end, looking at someone else’s problem and knowing I can do nothing that will make a difference to him.
What do you say? What do you do? What difference can I make for him?
I guess I just bite my tonge and say nothing. Maybe I need to go on F&F and look around.
Thanks for the posts. I do need to remember that there was NO FUN the last time i gambled either. Dangerous thoughts though, my check is in the mail and should be here next week.
I am glad to see posts from Cully, Vera and Salina on their threads. They had me worried!
I am struggling with food now, munching all the time. I see my girlie Dr Thursday. My sister confirmed my incident last week as a full blown hot flash so we’ll see what dr has to say. Maybe thats the constant hunger? Or am I stress eating because I’m not gambling?
I WILL NOT GAIN WEIGHT! I CAN"T PUT MY BODY THROUGH IT!
Yea, my body is a temple. and I am looking more and more like Budda every day!
Hope to catch u guys on the chat!
peace
bettie
 

[female g]

 i think the weight things is also a by product of no more gambling.  I f you were anything like me I could sit for 12 hr with nothing to eat 2-3 nights a week sometime.  now I am spending more time eating than ever and can see a few extra pounds on me too.  I will try to work it off though with a new excersise program soon , now that I have more time on my hands G

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Didn’t eat too bad today but did a big workout. I am pooped! My fwb told me my face looked chubby, he could tell I am putting on weight. I threatened to imbed the heal of my pump upside his head. He thought I would tell him up his behind, so i told him I was wearing two shoes and it could be arranged.
ODAAT, I guess.
Bettie

[p]

Hehehe Bettie
You are a funny one!  I had a little giggle at that post.  You are doing great.  I had a very close call this morning but glad i can say that now and be safe at home.  Hey talking weight gain, when i gambled, i think it is the only time in my life i didnt eat.  I love food, i love to eat.  I would sit at a machine for hours and hours and not think food.  I didnt care if i ate or not, now, well, i have gained some weight.  Quite a bit, but am working on that too but worrying more about not gambling at the moment.  The weight i will get to eventually.  Hey, you are not gambling Bettie, be proud!
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi P,
Glad you survived the urge. I am waiting for the slip so I am trying to be viglent! I keep thinking it"s Friday, looking for the chat, what a dummy! I was in Indianna today, shopping. I spent $40 on undies! Cute ones too! I got my feet and nails done, got a hair cut. So I spent $120 total. That might hasve lasted all day or 30 minutes at the casino. I felt guilty spending the cash, bills need to be paid but at least I have something to show for my $$.
I may be chubby but I’m STILL Cute!
lol!
bettie

[female g]

nice to see the real you coming through on your posts and good on you for treating yourself a little pampering its just what you deserve to be sure and your right we would have taken just over an hour to throw that into a machine and have nothing to show for in the end. G

[bettie]

I am home today, called off work. I am so tired!
Need to go to Dr store and get refill on pain pills but i’m too tired right now. Oh mother nature! What a *itch u can be!
This too shall pass!
The chat was fun but 5am is a little early for me!
bettie

[linnie44]

Hi betie,
Let me introduce myself, ive been here for a couple of years but lately havent been posting cause I wasnt feeling well, just getting back into the swing of things and catching up on threads. Want to say congratulations for your determination to stay in recovery and well done for the wonderful support you have been providing by posting to others. Regarding urges, People are often bewildered that they dont go away and that is a source of distress in many. just accepting that they will always come(granted, fewer and farther between with abstience) prepares us to deal with them, the best way is just to acknowledge the thought then move on to something else. There is no reason to wait for the slip, first comes the urge, just wait for that, its much easier to deal with…waiting for the slip also brings with it waiting for the guilt, remorse and tiresome "starting over".
You can do it.  You have the power to control your own life, something that actively gambling takes away from us. You are doing great, hang in there and best wishes to you!
Hugs *life is good

[bettie]

chat #2 over, maybe i’ll go for 3! I should stay home more often!
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

…  I am waiting for the slip …
…  I felt guilty spending the cash …

Good morning Bettie,
It does seem strange how we in the past could blow dollar after dollar with little if any guilt and now that we don’t gamble we feel guilty about pampering ourselves a little.  What guilt we felt during and after gambling came more form the realization the we did wrong and not necessarily that we spent money. Now that we are gambling free spending a little extra causes a different guilt. This comes from being responsible and is not the same guilt that haunts and causes pain; rather it is a guilt that reminds us to be vigilant while still allowing a good feeling.
Don’t bother waiting for a slip, you do not gamble. On the other hand, if you are waiting to slip; keeping working on your recovery and that wait will be useless also. Just do it ODAAT.
 Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I see that I’m am setting myself to fail so with that thought in mind I can cut it off at the pass.
GA, Thursday, no excuses!
I have a wedding to go to tomorrow and Sunday we are having a birthday celebration for my brother.
My time is spent in advance, no time to waste it at a casino this week!
Thanks for the posts, might make the next chat too!
peace
bettie

[kin]

Wow ! you have really come so far, you even have the awareness to know that you are setting yourself up …..and do something about it.
Well done and keep up the good workGambling only adds to the pain,  its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …the  side affects actually make the original pain worseI must remember to count my blessing

[p]

Hi Bettie
Was really nice to see you on chat again. I had to laugh at all our weight issues etc, I was sitting there with crackers and dip while the chat was on saying , gee i have gained some weight as i shovelled in another cracker.  What a laugh!  You are going for your third chat way to go.  I can only catch the nightime ones here sometimes so i am soooo glad there will be a daytime one here next week.  It is a little dream come true for me.  yippppeeeeeee.  Hey you are doing great Bettie.  You are not gambling, and you are here posting and chatting all the time.  Yey for Bettie you are making it through, remember how far you have come to when you were at those boats and you came back in distress.  Here is to our gamble free days Bettie, lets keep going!
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Ok, I did the full chat circle today! Ken L said people might start talking about us. Oh Well, that won’t be the first time! LOL!
On to the weekend chat!
P, chatting all the time? Yea, someone put a quarter in me today! lol!
catch u later!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi All,
Made it home.Groomsman tried to put the brides garder on me, left my atm card at home so I would not leave and go to the casino like i would have in the past. Feet hurt from the rinestone sandels but i looked good!
Nice time, no gambling.
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[mobikom]

Good weekend you are having 🙂 Keep it up  "You cannot change the system but you can change who you are"."I would not gamble with money i do not have" and "Make promises i can’t keep".

[غير معروف]

Good job Bettie!  Glad you had a good time.  Hey, sometimes we have to sacrifice a little pain in the name of beauty. If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
6:30 am,, the sun is up, the promise of a new day.
I want to thank the weekend chatters-always good to see u all!
I have to clear up my mortgage situtation, they won’t let me pay online because I am so far behind but it should be ok, I am a little nervous.
I did get my $ I was waiting for but It won’t go as far as I had hoped. But one place it won’t go is the casino. Funny, I have been having urges the last few weekends but now that it’s here and I am looking at the debts that must be paid I realize this is all more gambling debt. not that it matters but I guess I should add yet another ten grand to the tally.
Does it ever stop?
I am getting my house in order. My goal? next year when this money comes I will not take a PENNY of it. It will get reinvested into a retirement plan. ( I started to roll this money out 3 years ago. The rule was that once you took some u had to take it all over a 5 year payout so I can’t just stop it, or I would!)
Being responsible, taking charge!
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[غير معروف]

You are doing so well bettie, keep it up!  If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[howanan]

Hi Bettie… Sounds like you are setting some good long term goals.  You sound very positive.  This gambling can really bring a person down emotionally and physically.  The longer we stay away from it the better we feel.  Like we are coming out of a fog and can now see some light.  Hope you get things straightened out with your mortgage.  I have decided to not make another mortgage payment on my rental property.  It will be vacant next month and unless I get another renter I can not afford to make those payments.  I have listed it for sale and and submitted the forms for a short sale to the mortgage company.  I have never not paid a bill before but I can not let this get to me.  I have been stressed about it for a long time.  Oh well, it will work itself out………..Have a good day,,,,,,,,,NancyWhat lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us………….

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the posts. I called the mtg and was able to get current on both. ( Thanks God!) I am dissapointed that I let myself get here but here I am.
The money is almost all gone now and will be  by the end of the week. At least the bills are current but i looked at my budget and there really isn’t much room for any extras.
I have what I need and I can work with that. If I want more I will just have to figure out how to make more $$, simple as that.
I am blessed and need to count my blessings, so many more have so much less. I need to stop being greedy.
Nancy, did you let the mtg company know u won’t be able to manage that payment? There is supost to be help out there and lots of talk about it. I have been trying to get a modification but they keep wanting more info. Oh well, worth a shot right? What can they say, no? It will work out, something always does.
Gonna look around then hit the sack!
peace
bettie

[salina]

Sorry Bettie I havent felt like posting. I am gamble free for 3 weeks but honestly I dont feel like posting and havent. I am so so grateful for you and others here please stay with me.. I will try to get  it together and start posting.. thanks for being there. I am so proud of you . You sound like u are doing great.this to shall pass

[p]

Hi bettie
I think you are doing such a great job in your gamble free time.  It is such a huge change to before you banned, think its the best thing you ever did!
 P – Living and Learning

[kathryn]

Hiya Bettie,
Im so pleased to see how well you are doing…im starting my ear wax collection, and i should have my line on ebay by the end of the year…LOL.  I told the girls at work about that today, and they nearly fell over laughing!!!
I did get to do 2 ear syringes today, it truly is my favourite thing…and yes, they all think im wierd but they are saving them for me, bless them.
Anyway, just wanted to say hi, thanks for looking out for me, and im glad all is ok in bettie land.
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[p]

Hi Bettie
That is great you are making goals for yourself with your finances.  Dont be too hard on yourself Bettie or put too much pressure on yourself.  You are doing a great job and you will just keep on improving with time.  See you soon on chat soon i hope!
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Nice little chat, need to remember that time for Wednesday here.
Need to clean so I don’t have to do it tomorrow!
peace
bettie

[finding_laura]

Stopping in to say hi Bettie 🙂
Must be a load off your mind now that the house is back up to date.  You’ve got the right attitude! No more money for the casino.  I’m on an extremely tight budget too.  It’s made me look at finding pleasure in the little things.  Which can really be a gift.  Have a great day Bettie.
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys, Thanks for the posts!
Did u see the news? I guy in PA has to give his jackpot back. Y? He is banned and went anyways. I Wonder if trying to claim the $2001. that he hit is worth the embarresment and the tresspass charge he now faces. If he’s anything like me that $2001 is just a drop in the loosing bucket.
This would happen to me so it just inspires me to STAY AWAY!
I hope this man can now face his deamons head on and get help. I do feel his embaressment and his shame.
Ga tonight. I wonder what it will be like??
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[howanan]

It’s good to know that the self exclusion works doesn’t it?  I am glad your mortgage is all caught up.  I did try to work with the mortgage company, but they don’t do loan modifications on investment property.  So now, I have no choice but to try to sell it in a short sale or let it be foreclosed on.    I know it will hurt my credit score, but I can’t think of another thing to do.  I know I won’t be buying another home, so that leave maybe a car in the future.  My husband says he will get the car loan if necessary. 
Let us know houw the GA meeting went…………..NancyWhat lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us………….

[bettie]

Ok Guys, fess up time.
Didn’t make it to GA, Jules wasn’t up for it but I have no such excuse. There are thursday meetings that are close to me.
Maybe next week.
Saw Dr, need a procedure to confirm what I think is already going on. It should be just fine.
peace
bettie

[cully21]

Hi Bettie. I hope you are doing well. I read your previous post about that guy who won at a banned casino and isnt getting the money. This is something I have brought up time and time again of part of the risks of gambling in a banned casion. I have read post from others before gambling at banned casinos where the casino did not care. I guranatee you they will care when you go to cash in a signifcant jack pot. They are not going to let you walk away with those kind of winnings when they have a signed banning document from you.
I am glad you posted about it. Even if you manage to sneak into a  banned casino, there are consequences. I have thought about it before, but will not go to a banned casnino for sure. No matter how seriously or non-seriously they act about the ban.
Like you said about the guy, he now faces tresspasing charges. It’s a misadmenor, but like you said with embarrassment, I wouldnt want it on my record when I go to apply for a job.
It is imortant that we remember there are consequences to self-banning not matter what.
God Bless,
Cully21

[kathryn]

Hi Bettie,
That is the exact reason i love self exclusion.  Its not the thought of winning the money and being unable to claim it, its the thought of being caught, the embarassment and shame, no way im going down that road.
Maybe now he will get the help he needs, but as we all know, he has to take the steps.  As for you, although you missed your meeting, there is always another one, and as long as you are working your recovery you will be ok!  You are doing really well girl! 
Might see you on the weekend, take care gorgeous
Bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys!!!!!
I’ve missed u all SO MUCH!
Thank you HARRY fo answering my email.
Got to run but all is well-no gambling!
Hope to catch therapy chat tonight.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Nice chat but i’m off to bed. Good to see you all. ((p)) Hang in there!
Hope to post more tomorrow.
peace
bettie

[غير معروف]

Bettie, you are doing awesome, keep it up my friend!  God Bless!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

What a lovely rainy day. It’s green outside, i just love it.
Woke with a belly ache but will live to complain another day.
Can’t seem to manage a workout in the morning so I plan one for after work, it keeps me busy and gives me something to do in my "idle" time.
Looking for a stressful month. I have about 3 weeks to make that stupid quartly goal that they raised since last quarter and I am only 1/2 way there! I could use some prayer support so I am posting that here today.
It’s sad. At this point in my life I should be coasting in this job but now that we are "salesman" it’s dog eat dog and no one wants to throw me a bone! Stress, gambling trigger! It’s not going to get me! I can see it, feel it, and just have to deal with it. Gambling doesn’t help it just makes it worse!
Off to work then 2 days "off". I work the part time job tomorrow and have that medical procedure Friday but even that is more desirable than going to my job. Sad.
time to get going,
peace
bettie

[mobikom]

Bettie!!! Your post are positive!! Nice to get by without gambling each day..cheers :)"You cannot change the system but you can change who you are"."I would not gamble with money i do not have" and "Make promises i can’t keep".

[bettie]

Hi Mobi, Hi Guys!
I had a casino dream last night. I went to Vegas, I think I was by myself. I had been there for days, wandering through the casinos of my past. I was not playing, just looking. I wanted to play but I was thinking that I wanted to come home and post on my thread that I did it! I went to Vegas and didn’t gamble!
So see, EVEN IN MY DREAMS YOU ALL MAKE ME NOT WANT TO GAMBLE! LOL!!
Urges today but so what! I don’t gamble anymore!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Out of the blue – BAMB!- urges! Wonder if it has a lot to do with my poor, no make that my total lack of self esteem!
My friend stopped by and now he’s gone. I am so lonely! I settle for the tiny speck of attention he gives me, I long for him for weeks and he’s gone in a flash!
Self destructive behaviour. now i want to gamble! I guess that goes hand in hand. I need therapy. I keep telling myself I don’t but I do.
I am my own worst enemy. I know why I have no esteem I just don’t know what to do about it.
I won’t gamble today. I am glad the casino is so far away!
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[cully21]

Stay strong Bettie. Good for you for getting on here and posting about the urges. That is a good thing.
Cully21

[bettie]

Tx Cully,
I’m still here, urge is less but still there. I won’t leave the house until it passes.
bettie

[غير معروف]

Hey bettie!  Stay strong girl, you can do it!  I’ll call you later if you are going to be home?If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

Thanks Jules, I’ll be around! I might just call u!

[غير معروف]

Hey bettie, after reading through some old posts, I realized our birthdays are like a week apart.  I say next year we meet somewhere for a birthday spa weekend!  Start saving your money, I like to stay at nice places!…lolIf you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

lifesaver Jules!
Why didn’t we even talk about GA today??
Weather is too nice and I am too lazy! I have never been to a spa, sounds good!
bettie

[غير معروف]

I didn’t even think about today being Thursday Bettie.  I am never off work on a Thursday.  Anyway, still waiting on my stove.  He was supposed to be here at 4.  Glad I don’t have a life and wasn’t going anywhere.If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

That stinks Jules!
I went out to the thrift store, car wash, got my nails done. All still cheaper than going to the casino.
I went to late dinner, ate a bananna split with my daughter. Lets see, no gambling means eating hot dogs, fries, and icecream! I wish i could substitute say, a long walk, instead of eating! Oh well, it was a treat, not a daily thing so tomorrow I will eat better.
Nite all!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Nice to see the "guys" on the chat.
Cully, it’s funny how much we have in common. I held and "sniffed" my daddys railroad cap today. Sad to say I can’t "smell" him anymore. Did they have the funny flower ones in Texas or is that a Chicago thing? We never had too much money as kids but we would ride to a special store, now closed, that carried those caps and overalls. The caps were 3.95 as i remember, and they were sized, i think his was 7 &3/4. The regrets of old age. I would give a year of my life to have one more day fishing with my dad, talking about the farm he grew up on and him telling war stories. He was in the Corps of Engineers, said he built bridges and blew them up.
Happy 79th Birthday Daddy, I love you!
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
Nice to see you doing so well.  Im with you girl with the food, i never stop eating these days!  Have gained much weight and dont fit into much.  Ive been on a bad gambling binge last week.  Back here now trying to get back on board.  Life is so much better when we dont gamble. 
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Good Morning Guys,
Still feeling "ugly" from my procedure Friday. I should get results today. I am ticked off at my so called "friends" who were to check up on me and haven’t even bothered to call. It’s Tuesday. I have been having casino dreams again, strange how they pop up. This time I was bring everyone to the casino with me. Thats all I remember.
Urges alway kick in when I feel let down. Oh well, I can’t control that just what I do about them.
I’ve decited I really don’t like the life I have been living. I want a new life. I am the only one who controls that so I need to get off my butt and make some changes. Where to start, great question. Maybe I’ll stop at the book store today.
I can never take my own advice so I’ll look for some experts advice. Who knows right? 
No action = No change!
peace
bettie

[paul315]

Good morning Betty,
logging on and seen your post of a few minutes ago, thought I would say hi
as for changes in life, I found that working on recovery, change mine without me trying to do that part, recognizing the bat character traits and stopping them is what made the change.
Keep working on what you are doing to not gamble and you will see change too.
Larry

"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.– 6/8/2010 11:13:55 AM: post edited by paul315.

[bettie]

Wow, What a game!
Black Hawks win!!  Still sleepy from the excitement!
Bonus, I got a rate reduction on my mortgage for the next 5 years. It will reduce my payment about $90 which will help.
God is Good! I keep feeling like I never get a break but I got one for a change! And I am truely thankful.
Now to work on that sales goal. I need good sales for about 5 days, ($100 in production) to meet my quartly goal and get some pressure off of me at the job. Everyone else has made their goal so I look like a real slob. It’s not for lack of effort but "luck". If you get the customer that walks in the door with a big deposit then you get the big credit. ( my boss got a walkin that got her a credit of almost $250 on Monday, and she is already at her goal! think she could have givin me that credit?? Ha Ha!)
Trying to stay positive and keep that positive energy flowing. Glad not to be adding gambling debt to the mix!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

HI Guys,
Suffering with a back strain, still going to work. Can’t afford to miss a day. Weeks vacation in two weeks. If i can get the car fixed i might take a little trip downstate to see family. I don’t want to be sitting around wishing I was at a casino because I’m home and bored.
Glad to see u all on the chat, looks like Salina must have checked in. Vera, always glad to see u!
Just checking in!
peace
bettie
Almost forgot, my ex gambling buddy had a friend who was shot and murdered over a poker game. It was a group of folks who had played together for years. I guess she was up about $800 and wouldn’t rejoin the game to give the others a chance to "get even". She walked to the refrigerator to get a glass of ice and the other woman walked up behind her and shot her in the head.
How sad!– 6/12/2010 11:36:50 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Oh Boy,
Where to start. I blew it. Over two months "clean", feeling good for the most part, and I still blew it.
No excuses. Job stress, weight gain, feeling "cheated" at work, lonely. All the same story. What makes for a different ending?
I called the phome number on the back of the players card that i held on to. It’s for the national gambling hotline. Compleatly useless! I asked how to ban from a tribal casino and the girl on the other end says, I wouldn’t know what to tell you except to call the casino. Why would they have that number on the card if they didn’t know how to help?
I am discusted. My back hurts, I need a shower and I need to get ready for work.
I really don’t like me at all.
bettie

[finding_laura]

Sorry to hear about your slip Bettie.  What makes for a different ending? You
You have had two months clean and nothing can take that away.  You have practiced coping skills and bravely banned once already.  You are back here showing that you aren’t ready to give up.  I have faith in you Bettie and you can and will do it. 
When you finish your shift tonight, come home and put an ice pack on your poor back for twenty minutes.  Let your back unthaw a bit and have a hot hot shower.  Try to move around a little bit so you don’t sieze.
Try and be good to yourself Bettie, we shouldn’t kick ourselves when we are down.    One thing at a time, one moment at a time.
Stay strong, love ya,
Laura
 

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… Where to start. I blew it. … No excuses. …
I really don’t like me at all.

Good morning Betty,
Where to start?  I will start with it is good that you immediately started to straighten things out after you gambled again; it is good that you are continuing your recovery program – "Recovery is progression not perfection." For now the only change is your clean date, not your clean time. You have the enjoyments from this period, plus the knowledge that you can live gambling free and ways that can help; two months is not the life time that we strive for, but, it should let you know that it can be done. You did not have this knowledge before you started, then you woke up wishing you were dead; now you only don’t like yourself — Self can be changed.
In your prior post you told this story:
"Almost forgot, my ex gambling buddy had a friend who was shot and murdered over a poker game. It was a group of folks who had played together for years. I guess she was up about $800 and wouldn’t rejoin the game to give the others a chance to "get even". She walked to the refrigerator to get a glass of ice and the other woman walked up behind her and shot her in the head.  How sad!"
This can be seen as you being 2 Months ahead in your recovery and your addiction not liking it, wanting another chance; you turned your back and the addiction snuck up and shot you down. The lady in your story had no chance to recover, but you do; this can make for a different ending, the choice is yours. Or as GA states it,"CAN A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER EVER GAMBLE NORMALLY AGAIN? – No. The first bet to a problem gambler is like the first drink to an alcoholic. Sooner or later he or she falls back into the same old destructive pattern. Once a person has crossed the invisible line into irresponsible uncontrolled gambling he or she never seems to regain control. After abstaining a few months some of our members have tried some small bet experimentation, always with disastrous results. The old obsession inevitably returned. Our Gamblers Anonymous experience seems to point to these alternatives: to gamble, risking progressive deterioration or not to gamble, and develop a better way of life".
Where to stop? A couple more thoughts and I will close.
You have the knowledge to fight off urges, barriers in place, and the desire to stop; yet you gambled without any excuses or apparently any driving urge – you gambled for the Hell of it.  This sole reason was what brought me the closest  to gambling again then any urge or temptation; I just did not see any reason not to. However, before turning my back on my sobriety, I took the time to think things out. I found that although I could see any reasons not to gamble at the time in my dreamworld or suspended mind, I had even less reasons to; and that the results of the past would only be repeated.
To use the words from a post by a Fellow Gambler, Stephen, "What has helped me tremendously in recovery is not allowing the addiction to let me blindly look at any positive, or perceived positive aspects of gambling…but to clearly look at the negative aspects of gambling. It’s not even debatable…the negative aspects of gambling far outweigh any possible positive aspects by a very wide margin". 
You close with, "I really don’t like me at all"; if you gambled without any excuses, perhaps you also turned your back on the you that you can like; use this recovery time to work on changes in your life that will let you  like the real you.  Recovery is not just being gambling free, it is making change so that we can live. 
God’s speed. Keep aware. Stay strong.
Larry

"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.– 6/16/2010 5:25:04 PM: post edited by paul315.

[p]

Hi Bettie
Sorry to hear of your slip,  I understand after going down that road recently. I know this is a horrible feeling.  It eases up though, after a while your gamble free time will add up again and you will be back in the beautiful world of being gamble free.  I have beat myself up a lot for slipping, for me when i slip it isnt once but continuous days in a row i go on some sort of frenzy, each day i gambled again only got worse.  You are straight back here Bettie that is the great thing.  We learn a lot from our slips it teaches us something.  You are doing great Bettie.  2 months gamble free and a small bump in the road, and now you are back.  It’s ok, you will be ok.  Just keep coming here.
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the wonderful advice and words of wisdom.p, larry, laura, I’m so glad I came home and read my thread. I am so P*SSED at myself I could just scream! Thanks to my barriers it wasn’t a major blow out putting my financial recovery in jeporardy, It’s my mental health I am concerned about most. I could have called someone, I just didn’t want to. The light in my head turned green and I was off and running.
I drove up to the Valet and almost pulled out. I said to myself What are you doing here? My hand shook as I opened the door and I must have walked around for about 30 minutes before settling into the old pattern of getting a beer and sitting down. I listened to the other players talking about getting comped for a gas grill. I wondered how much she lost before being "given" that prize.
I’ll give my cg mind a little credit.I looked and looked for info about excluding. Nothing. Not a poster, not a hand out nothing. I called the number on the players card that got me nowhere.
I’m gonna relax. What is done is done. I’ll try the ice pack as the heat patch all day hasn’t done anything but it is improving.
Thanks to you all for caring about me.
bettie

[vera]

Oh Bettie! I am so sorry! You have achieved so much! Just blot it all out and move on…Your work stress, your back pain, weight, that dreadful shooting didn’t help…I know we find reasons and excuses to gamble, but recovery is not easy and we are all very vulnerable…Im praying that you’ll reach your work target…I finished my night duty and am off now until June 30th!!!! You wont believe my boss phoned me tonight, calling for overtime tomorrow. I NEED the money, but I refused the work. She thought she had misheard me, but I raised my voice and said NOT AVAILABLE….now I feel I let the hospital down…stinking thinking…AS IF it wouldn’t function without me.I NEED a break even more…I the past, I would have my two weeks off planned to a fine art and a host of lies to cover my tracks. Of course I would be off to the dungeons every day. Not this time! Not tomorrow. And I’ll say the same every day! by the way FWB back on the scene…texting me at the earl hours past few nights…even making plans for my holidays! VERY flattering! one day at a time on that one too……..you’ll be fine Bettie. Could you get a cert from your doc and ask for your deadlines to be deferred?…..you’re in my thoughts n prayers!…

[cully21]

Hi Bettie:
I am sorry to hear about the slip but it is so glad you came right back here. Coming back is not an easy task at all. Been there, done that, and have several t-shirts to prove it. I remember you on chat the other day. I have done the same thing. I have got on group, brought up the urges, got good advice, and as you said, "the greenlight went on." For me, it seem like the more I learn and the more I utilize this site and community, the deeper the remorse is after a relapse or slip.
How far is this casino you went too? You know about my history and how far I have travelled for the fix. All casinos I have been too the last year have been Indian casinos. I have never seeen a sign or advertisment for self banning. I have alwways had to ask security at the help desk But don’t take this as the protocul for each one. To ban from some that I have not banned yet require you to go to a seperate location, such as the individual tribal commission itself or the person who does it works normal day and week hours. The best thing if you plan to ban is to call ahead and find out what the procedure is and so you can plan it out.
I am glad you are here. Two months is something to be very happy about.
One of the best tool I have for my pain is a device called a TENZ unit. They work for some and not so much for others. Mine is an Empi brand which can be kind of expensive. You might find one on ebay or a home health supplier might rent them out after giving propper directions of how to use it. You dont want to put it directly over your spine, major arter, heart, and of course, your brain. It has sure saved me when I have taken meds to the max.
It is good to seey you recovering. Look at your thread since you first came here and you coming right back here shows your tenacity to succeed.
Your friend and brother in arms,
Cully21

[finding_laura]

Here here!
Tenacity with a capital T!  Just checking in to see how you are feeling Bettie.  Hope that back eases up.  Be good to yourself.
Laura

[غير معروف]

Hey bettie!   So sorry you slipped, but that’s exactly what it was..a slip…you came back here, that’s the important thing.  Don’t do what I did last time and just give up.  Climb back up on that horse and continue on the trail girl!  Love ya!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

Good morning all,
Wow, I sign in and say to myself, OMG they know! As a CG I’ve lied and covered up so much it’s strainge see my friends popping in and advising, not running away and turning their backs, I think thats one of my biggest fears, abandonment. This is not a judgement of you all, it is one of my deep seated problems comming to the surface. I am afraid to be truthful about being a CG, afraid I will loose what little family and friends I have. Face the fear, confront it, move on!
Oh Vera, in another life my company would give me a pass, not any more! Make the goals or find another job. They feel they are on top with so many out of work they can find someone else to take my place. Our teller manager came back from 6 weeks off sick and was written up for not making her goal! ( And they tout that they are the best place in the world to work! I choke whenever I here that!) The fact that everyone else has made it doesn’t help. If I had the credit for the accounts that were "stolen" from me I would be there too. My manager has a chip on his shoulder when it comes to me so there is no recourse that won’t cost me my job. Fair? H*LL no but that is life. I can make myself crazy or I can suck it up and move on. The chance of finding another job is slim as in banking they pull your credit and since I screwed that up I’m stuck. For now.
Larry and Cully make a good point. I was afraid to post my slip because I thought I lost my clean time. That is still mine, just as the $1000-$3000 I DIDN"T loose is still mine. I lost my clean date, and thats bad enough.
Cully, I kept telling myself that the casino was too far away but in truth it’s about 1hour 15 minutes away. It seemed like about a 3 hour drive home! As for the back, I strain it about 2-3 times a year. I bulged a disk about 25 years ago so this happens fairly regularly. I should ring up the ciropractor as I got really good relief the last time I went. Guess what is holding me back? I weigh about 10 lbs more then the last time I saw him and I am embarassed! Is that stupid or what????
Gotta run! Time for work!
thanks again!
bettie
 

[kathryn]

Hey girl,
thinking of you….just take it as a lesson and move forward, sitting and dwelling doesnt change what is, so let it go my friend.  I do hope your back is feeling better, and that you havent beaten yourself to a bloody pulp!!!
Get to that chiropractor, so what if you have put on 10pd, you are paying him to fix your back, not talk about your weight, so just say that the service doesnt include ‘special comments’ and you would apprecieate him just doing what you are PAYING him to do.  That should shut him up…lol.
Anyway, i must go to bed, work tomorrow.
Talk soon, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the chat, I do feel a little better. Cully, I forgot u were on my first chat, it seems so long ago. Thats the day I mastered crying and typing at the same time!
Please keep up the prayers, they are working. I’ve had good production at work and may have knocked down that goal to about $400. 8 days to go! i take the car to a new dealership to see if they can figure whats wrong Thursday. I would love to see my Nieces in a couple of weeks! Haven’t seen them in 2 years.
Laura, thanks for checking in!
Back is not 100% but it’s better, still should see Chiro. Thats a treat really, I love the massage! I always feel that judgement Kathryn, even if it’s only in my head. When u grow up "fat" u are told that that is the reason for everything that is wrong with you so instead of getting help we suffer in silence. Stupid i know but again, my insecurities hit the surface. And the funny part is the 5 minuits in my life that i was thin my life was falling apart! Go figure!
Jules, I didn’t call u saturday to stop me because I didn’t want u to talk me out of it or tempt u to go! But I promise, next big urge and u are getting the call!
peace
bettie– 6/16/2010 3:34:07 AM: post edited by bettie.

[غير معروف]

Promise you will call me the next time you have an urger like that!  And don’t worry about tempting me, my poor car couldnt make it 50 miles right now let alone 300!  Remember bettie, we are all here for each other friend.If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[kwbwmom]

Bettie,
Great meeting you on chat last night. I think we have the same sense of humor so future chats should be fun!  I hope your back starts to feel better!  Here’s to a great day!"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

[bettie]

Went to the chiro today. OUCH! The terrorist, oops! I mean therapist took her elbow and pressed on my sore hip until I almost punched her! She is partly deaf and I was face down and at her mercy. Unfortunately she had no mercy but told me to ice it or I would bruse and cuss her out in the morning. I got news for her, I was cussing her out already but she just couldn’t hear me!
Thanks for the check in guys. I’m sitting on a lunch ice pack stuffed in an oven mitt. If I can raise an arm tomorrow I’ll check in! lol!
bettie

[kwbwmom]

Ouch is right Bettie. I hope you feel better tomorrow. I’ve made it two days….. "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

[vera]

was this torture free, or like gambling torture, VERY expensive!……

[bettie]

No Sweet Vera,
As always I got to pay for the pleasure of being torchured! Like gambling, men. etc!
I wonder about me sometimes! LOL!
Kwb good u are out there posting!
Chat soon!
bettie

[vera]

got a bit of torture myself last night…not gambling…not chiro….guess what?….tell you the details in private chat..

[bettie]

WOULD LOVE TO HEAR THAT VERA!! Hummm, my guess? Starts with a F, ends with a b!
u are a scream girl! love ya!
bettie

[kwbwmom]

I think I am really going to enjoy getting to know the two of you…. such hoots! Is there really a private chat? How does that work?"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

[vera]

at the weekends there is unmoderated chat Kwb, and sometimes you check in and find just one person……also some people share e mail addresses….(I’m hogging your thread Bettie, but I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb!) We’re really two very respectable ladies Kwb…except for the CG bit!…

[bettie]

Help your self to my thread Vera! I just stood up to get the rest of the ice cream ( I’m never buying it again!!) and i could barely walk i am so stiff! I may never leave this chair so I need something to keep me entertained!
love u!
bettie– 6/17/2010 1:36:17 AM: post edited by bettie.

[vera]

just as well you’re not sitting on a casino stool Bettie! You’d take root…….I’m signing off now. Still in night duty mode…and sleeping half the day…went for a walk with a friend from work today and a meal, to the beach near “my” casino…she told me her housemate is gambling big time in that casino……made me feel sick to think of it. He s a nurse in the hospital we work in but I dont know him…he was on his way into the house when I was collecting her today and he stared at me. She had told him about me and my recovery…she told me he locked himself in his room for 2 days after losing a month’s salary…she thought that was funny! The poor guy could have been dead! Poor public awareness of this problem!…I’m praying youll meet your deadlines at work Bettie…….

[kwbwmom]

Originally posted by vera

We’re really two very respectable ladies Kwb…except for the CG bit!…
Hope I did not offend.."Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

[vera]

no offence Kwb!…….nothing in this site offends me. We are all in this together. My response was written “tongue in cheek”. I hope you enjoy our company and that this forum will lead to lots of laughs and tears…great healing in both…I really have to put my head down. Its almost 3.30 am!….another g-free day has come to an end!…

[bettie]

Kwb, Vera, lol!
I got up a 4am to take a pill. I should be in bed but didn’t want to take a pill and lay down. Back is stiff but i am moving. Chrio always makes it worse before it is better. I go back for more torture today but nothing has worked so far so I have to give it a go. It has done wonders in the past.
Oh well, it kills the urge too so thats helps!
bettie

[female g]

Hi Bettie sorry the back is such a tough pain to work through, been there and done that. As i recall the pain was worse than Labour so I hope you are taking muscle relaxants to help.  That comes from someone who hates meds but i made the exception then believe you me i would not have been able to exist without them.  Thanks for poking in on me too, Really appreciate it. Maybe this weekend there will be time to catch up on chatG

[bettie]

Car still in the shop, they didn’t even look at it today! Why did I have to be there at 11:00 am? I went back to my PT job then had to take two busses to get home. Waited 1 hour for the 2nd bus! My back was screaming! My so call "friend" couldn’t be bothered picking me up. That B*st*rd! I remember picking him up on my lunch hour and bringing him food to boot! How stupid am I??????
My girlfriend did pick me up from home and we went to dinner. Went to my brothers and picked up my old realible 1997 saturn, 170,000, miles, no major repairs, that he uses as a work car. Daughter came over and we went for a swim. AHHHHH! The water was warm and felt good!
Back is setteling down, Thank u God!
Gonna get to bed early. Tomorrow is another day!
bettie  (aka Scarlet O’Harra)

[bettie]

They are ordering a part for the car, I did get to pick it up so I am not stranded.
Back is getting better but I have a pain in the butt, really! My right cheek hurts. I think the therapist did that!
Kittys upset, storming outside.
Bed soon!
Hope to catch u all on the chat.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Chatted a little, good to see old and new friends.
Treated my friend to the movies tonight. $20 bucks, a nice treat and a drop in the bucket compaired to what gambling costs.
Felt good to be able to treat someone for no reason except that I wanted to!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi guys.
Happy Fathers Day gentlemen! Hope u all had a good day. I took my brother out to lunch with his daughter then came back and went for a swim.
Had to drive to indianna to buy smokes, $35 dollars less a carton there. Weird to drive that way, buy some cheaper gas, .30 per gallon, and head home. Will i ever get used to that?
I am closing in on that sales goal, 5 days to go. Prayers apreaceated on that front.
Waiting to see if anyone checks in on the chat, making chicken soup, then off to bed.
One week until vacation and I can’t wait. May not get to go anywhere but time away from the job is priceless!
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie was nice to see you on chat.  You always give me a giggle somehow.  Look forward to seeing you again soon hey!
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Glad to have caught a little of the chat. PC troubles! Got to get this fixed.
Stupid Asst manager tells me not to wait so long to get to my goal next quarter. I said you’re kidding right?
I didn’t get the one big deal that got her to the goal(credit to her, 800, her goal, 1600. my goal 2000, I’m at 1650, without any big deal to help me out). I told her i did like 20 loan applications with only 2 getting approved, it’s not like i haven’t been trying! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!UGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phew, thats out. I feel better!
Wish i could workout. up another 2 lbs! My back is better but my butt still hurts! See chrio again tomorrow, anotjer $30 bucks but what can u do?
No desire to gamble. Thats nice. I will enjoy the honeymoon while it lasts. I offically quit pt job today. Not enough hours for too little pay. Need to sell on ebay or get another pt job. I have been working 6 days a week for over a year. I don’t want all that "drive to the casino" time. Maybe I can find a daytime ga class.
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[ddsroad]

Hi Bettie,
Sounds like things are frustrating for you.  Way to hang in there with the gambling.  You have done a fantastic job so just keep it going.  I’ve been on the go lately, but keeping strong, so all is good!  You are doing a great job!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

[bettie]

"Jose Cuervo", you are not a friend of mine!
Tequila=Head ache
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Gotta go to work!
 

[kwbwmom]

Ouch Bettie.. haven’t had one of those hangovers in a long time… Tequila.. we call it the killa!"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Made it through the day, not too bad once I ate and got rid of the spinning feeling. My friend stoped by, I haven’t seen him in a few weeks,I guess I just needed to blow off steam, I am worried about that goal. I am close, the stars need to line up as each added feature adds to the payout. I am shout about $300 now but I will be closing a loan Friday and if I can get him to open a little savings and take a credit card it will be about a $150 credit. SO CLOSE! Prayers are Working. Thank u God!
Hope to be on the chat.
peace
bettie

[p]

Hey Bettie
Glad things are going better for you.  glad you are not gambling. 
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Getting closer, two days to go. I think I need about $200 now!Good to see u guy on chat. Nice to see every one rally around a "nubee" esp. if they are lost or seem in crisis.
P, glad u are not gambling either! Off next week, Desperate to get out of town, need to have time structured so I don’t succumb to temptation.although I am not having urges I want to be prepared!
Prayer is working! Now if i could pray my hip to be better……..
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Good Morning,
Interesting chat this morning. Wish I stayed in bed.
I don’t know why the subject of GA is such a sore one for me. I have found my friend who is in aa so judgemental that i have not spoken to her since May, and don’t really care if i see her again or not.
I see a lot of similarites between that program and GA. That whole "thats an excuse" thing really buggs me. You asked a question, i gave an answer. Period. I hate being made to feel like I have to defend myself. As for someone to say you haven’t hit rock bottom, well that is different for everyone.
My story is here, feel free to think what ever u want. I said I wasn’t mad but I am such a people pleaser I didn’t want to admit it. I am, but I will get over it.
peace
bettie– 6/24/2010 10:36:27 AM: post edited by bettie.

[vera]

Hi Bettie!
Sometimes we can be rubbed up the wrong way in chat. Especially since we don’t know each others’ full story. Let it go! Better chat next time! GA is not for everyone! In my (very limited experience) men get more out of it than women! (What’s new? lol)
Just keep focussing on that work target. Then you’ll be free to enjoy your vacation!

[kwbwmom]

Hi Bettie,
Sounds like it was an interesting chat if nothing else. Not trying to make light of what happened. I wasn’t there so I can’t really comment. In the short time I"ve "known " you, I can not imagine you saying anything to upset anyone and I am truly sorry you were made to feel the way you are right now.
I have to agree with you that GA is not for me. It’s great that it works for others, but it’s not my gig either. Nothing wrong with that. We all find our own way of healing. I would certainly hope that because I choose to not participate in that program I will not be judged. Don’t we do that enough to ourselves on our own?
Hang in there!
 "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

Good Morning,
Interesting chat this morning. Wish I stayed in bed. …
… My story is here, feel free to think what ever u want. …
                
Originally posted by vera

Hi Bettie! Sometimes we can be rubbed up the wrong way in chat. …
Good afternoon Betty,
Without knowing the history of this morning’s chat I still feel like commenting on what I can gather from reading between the lines in your post and the reply of Vera.
First, I would like to thank your for your story and the openness and honestly that you show in sharing it. I think that you have captured the intent and spirit of GT;  their effort in offering a service to us who are adversely affected by gambling. A service that provides an outlet where we can talk about the lives we led, the life we are leading now, the one we want for the future, and how we plan to get there.  You are using this service to the fullest; and even more so by providing help and inspiration for others. That is what I think.
The two remarks quoted above remind me of a couple of my post;  one where I basically apologized in advance for being open and even controversial in my post and in telling my story. I have also mentioned from time to time that my replies and remarks in the Groups are addressed to me as well as the recipient. My main purpose here is to help me stay gambling free and to improve my life for the better; I do not intend to hurt or disagree with anyone in my efforts, but I can not control other’s perception or reactions, nor can I just not participate because of disagreements — I need this interchange to broaden my outlook and strengthen my resolve. 
I also found myself where I felt I was wrong in some remarks, for this I followed the principles of my recovery, and the guidance from my heart, and took fast action to make the amends that I felt were required.  But, like you telling us to think what we want, I can not regulate and fashion my actions around all others and how they may perceive me; I can only react to my mistakes in making any amends.
My recovery and my actions are build around the principles and the Steps Program of GA; even the advice I give and the suggestions I offer to others are based mainly on these principles. However, although I recommend GA, I do try to make it clear that there are other means and programs to follow, that I am only suggesting ways that GA and other providers prescribe, ways that are proven to work in my life and in others who follow their chosen recovery paths.  I guess I am trying to say your thoughts and affiliations with or without GA makes no difference. It is your recovery that counts.
Again, I am only reading between lines, but my reply to what is only my limited findings, is also addressed to me and is intended to help me in my recovery in addition to any good you or others might get from it.
God’s speed. Stay Strong. Keep aware. Be true to yourself. Keep participating in the Forums and in the Chats.
Larry

"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.– 6/24/2010 7:08:50 PM: post edited by paul315.

[bettie]

Thanks for the support Vera and Kw,
Today was destined to stink I guess. My borrowed car didn’t start, called daughter to get her car. Neighbor jumped the car and I got it back to my brothers houes. Took daughter to the train, got a late start, had a ton of stuff to do. Got home and daughters car has a flat!
Neighbor changed flat but spair is low! Off to get air, go to chiro, go to pick up meds for daughter, go home so my nieces husband can fix my wireless connection, pick up daughter from the train and hopefully pick my car up!
Just got a fedex package for the loan modification. They want $600 to do this. I don’t have it.
I am ready to throw in the towel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

[lost 4now]

Stay Strong….Looking for peace…

[p]

Hi Bettie
Dont worry about it you are doing great.  It is different for each one of us here.  Whatever works for you best, you are gamble free right now so you are doing awesome.  Not everyone fits the same mould and what works for some may not work for others, i am sure the intentions of others were purely to help you though. 
Sometimes it is hard for people to percieve or understand things when it is chat.  I think you are doing great.  Everyone here just tries to help each other.  We are bound to bump into different opinions, but let them be just that different opinions. 
You do what is right for you that will aid your recovery the best.  For now you are not gambling so i am assuming you are doing something right.  See you soon Bettie.
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Larry, I was so blinded with rage over my day from H*LL i missed your post and your well thought out wisdom. You are always right on the mark!
P, Lost, thanks for chiming in! I love you all!
Car from H*LL, Part 2
So after the fedex meltdown i get into my dauhters cars and……wait for it……THE SPARE WAS FLAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My neighbor, my sweet neighbor who I haved live across the balcony from for over 10 years and i only know him by his first name , leans over and throws me his keys! The insureance card in in the glove box, the tank is full, keep it as long as u need it! I barely know him and he gave me a jump, changed a tire, and gave me his car, no questions asked!
What an angel!
So i get to the chiro late, get yet another massage therapist who tells me my back is so tight she can hardly move a mussle on me, I told her don’t ask!
Dropped off tire to get patched.
I drive to the dr for my daughter to pick up rx for her, stop at the car wash and clean the neighbors car as I knew he would not take any $$ from me. Got a call from tire place, can’t fix tire, hole in the sidewall! Call daughter to see if she has road hazzard coverage on the tires, they are new. She doesn’t know! Have to call her dad, he bought them, he doesn’t know. Want to shoot myself but i don’t own a gun! LOL!
No Insurance, daughter wants leaking tire put back on car so she can drive it. NO! You will be stranded with no spare so I have her poor dad drive around, get a tire, bring it here, take rim, have tire mounted.
In the mean time…..My car is ready, neighbor takes me in his nice clean car to pick mine up. Yet another favor from him today!
Picked up my car, picked up daughter from the train, took her home to let the dogs out, picked up her boyfriend, met up with my brother, niece ,her husband and new baby,had dinner. EX husband picked up tire and met us at the restruant.
Came home, wireless fixed (YEA!!) Tire on the car, daughter on her way, ex just left. Still need to do paperwork from the PT job so I can get in bed and CRASH!
What a day! And no, i didn’t make it to GA tonight. Maybe this will qualify as a "reason" for not going instead of an "excuse".
Tomorrow, is another day!
peace
Bettie  aka Scarlett O’Hara
 

[غير معروف]

Hang in there Scarlett!  Yes, tomorrow is another day and it will probably be the same crap as yesterday but we can handle it!  Love Ya!  Jules  If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

i think i can, i think i can……
I Think I did! Looks like I made it! Thanks for the prayers and support! The goal should be done but won’t know for sure as they try to disqualify as much as the can to avoid paying out any bonus but I should be ok. Hope tp pickup a couple of accounts tomorrow for some wiggle room but I’ve done the best that I could.
The loan modification is ok too! The letter asking for $$ was done before they has givin me credit for my payments so there is no money due. Thank You Jesus!
I think the car is better too!
Yes, today was a better day! Thanks for letting me vent!
peace
bettie

[غير معروف]

Woo Hoo!!!  Way to go girl!!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[p]

Yey Bettie
You sound happy.  Hope to see you on chat. Glad things are looking up for you.
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Good Morning!
1st day off, up at 6am, why am I up?
Got on the scale, ok, this stops today! What happened to taking care of myself? One step at a time I guess but I need to make foward steps, not backward!
Happy that the goal should be ok, just have to let go and let God. I’ve pushed and shoved and done the best I could.
As long as this works out i should be off my probation and be able to apply for other jobs within the company. Again, i will have a hard time getting another job outside the company due to the credit issues I created with my gambling.I am grateful I have a job and with little choice I have to make the best of it. My assistant manager mentioned how hard next week will be for her. I rememded her again that I have the same problems when she is off, as our manager doesn’t schedule any coverage and I have had to work many days as the only banker in her absence.
Graduation party today. Hope the weather holds, stormy again.
Gonna try a little chat.
peace
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
… My assistant manager mentioned how hard next week will be for her …

Good morning Bettie,
When you co-worker mentions how hard it is for her when you are off, and not how hard it is for both of you working without backup, she is really recognizing how you can overcome and that she has trouble. She might even be asking for help as to how you do it.
As long as you continue with your good work and showing your abilities, your probation will end, you will be enjoying your own Independence Day.
The same holds true with your recovery. Stay strong.
God’s speed.Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

[p]

Hi Bettie
Did you mention scales??? hehee oh Bettie, i weighed myself today too, i dont own any scales so waited till i was somewhere that had them and let me tell you, i wish i had not stepped on them. Got a big shock, but its no wonder food seems to be the new addiction for me.  Hoping it will settle or i will have nothing to wear. 
Glad about your work and you reaching that goal for the month too.  You are doing great on the gambling front girl be proud of yourself
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi P, Jules, Larry and all my gt friends!
I am tired, busy day. Went to my ex husbands son gradutation party. Took my mom and daughter. Lots of driving. Sad to say car is better but not cured. I have to take the car back to the place I took it last year for front end work. I forgot what they did but My brother heard the car today and stopped me to say that yes, those front end parts were bad again. This is my fault. I nailed a curb hard, so hard that people in the building came out to see the "crash".
Driving like a girl I’m afraid! My bad!
Having urges today. Something about driving to pick up my mom, seeing casino signs, knowing that i was not going anyway, but still had the thought.
I am afraid my assistants comments were less about my work talents amd more about her not wanting to work by herself, but just maybe it’s because I’m so wonderful. I’ll go with your Judgement Larry, always better than mine!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just checking in. Going to the Taste of Chicago. I hope it is better than the last time I went. That was 20 years ago with 2 crabby kids in tow so It should be fun.
Miss P, U out there??
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
I am out here girl and i am sure glad you are out there.  Thanks for your support Bettie.  I hope you have a fantastic time in Chicago.  Hey i am starting a health plan today Bettie, a plan to lose those kilos hehe, we will see i guess, for now trying to stay gamble free is enough for me.  Have a great time Bettie want to hear all about it
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Had a great time at "the Taste". Hated all the walking, my legs are killing me. Ate too much expensive food, but it was all good, esp. the frozen cheese cake dipped in dark chocolate! Too good for words but I do believe I walked it off.
So the concert was fantastic! Los Lonely Boys ( how far is Heaven, was their hit song a few years back) did the warm up. Los Lobos was rocking but the big suprise was at the oncore. The two bands got on stage and were joined by ROBERT PLANT, of Led Zepplin fame, fyi! Wow, a rock legend right in front of me! They did "Treat her Right’ then led into a little medley of Led Zepplin songs. what a blast! As we were walking back to the train we walked past a Lincoln Contental with a British driver, I told my daughter what do you want to bet Robert Plant is in the back seat. Sure enough, there he was! I waived to him.
Need to get out more, that was fun!
Gotta get some sleep!
peace
bettie

[noonie]

Originally posted by bettie

Hi Guys,
Had a great time at "the Taste". Hated all the walking, my legs are killing me. Ate too much expensive food, but it was all good, esp. the frozen cheese cake dipped in dark chocolate! Too good for words but I do believe I walked it off.
So the concert was fantastic! Los Lonely Boys ( how far is Heaven, was their hit song a few years back) did the warm up. Los Lobos was rocking but the big suprise was at the oncore. The two bands got on stage and were joined by ROBERT PLANT, of Led Zepplin fame, fyi! Wow, a rock legend right in front of me! They did "Treat her Right’ then led into a little medley of Led Zepplin songs. what a blast! As we were walking back to the train we walked past a Lincoln Contental with a British driver, I told my daughter what do you want to bet Robert Plant is in the back seat. Sure enough, there he was! I waived to him.
Need to get out more, that was fun!
Gotta get some sleep!
peace
bettie

[noonie]

Bettie we have all had those moments of despair when we really screw up. It’s great you are doing better. It takes extra effort to stay away from the casinos and gambling. I noted one thing. You talk about the great food and all on your trip to the graduation, but you dont’ mention if you gambled. Maybe I missed it. I feel things are somewhat better financially, or you would not have money for that trip. I pray things continue for the best and keep pushing even if we slip. Take care, Noonie

[hockey]

We all  need to get out more and have more fun! Sounds like a brilliant night.

[kathryn]

Hey Bettie,
Wow, what a fantastic night, sure beats sitting in those stinking venues…you didnt say if Robert waved back!!!  Oh, and the cheesecake made my mouth water!
Sounds like an amazing time, something to always remember, good on you Bettie, its about time you got out there and had some fun girl!!!
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes Kathryn, Robert waved and stuck his head out of the window. He shouted "Hey babe, need a lift??"
Yea right! LOL! I couldn’t tell if he waived or not, side windows tinted and I spotted him through the windshield.
Had a busy day got some cleaning done, never gets finished. My daughter has been bugging me about cutting off all, and I mean All her hair! So what the heck, I cut it like the singer Reanna. Shaved up the back with long bangs in her eyes. It’s cute but quite a shocker. She has been dying it black for about 11 years and wants to go back to her natural ash blonde. Black is impossible to remove so with the short cut ( it was way past her shoulders) we will try to strip it and dye it closer to her natural shade.
Have a great night!
Bettie

[bettie]

Going to bed, wishing i was dead.
What a sad thought. Idle hands are the devils workshop. I f’*ed up, badly! I went out and gambled. I have no excuse except that maybe i have a death wish. Made it home safely, sick, head hurts. This is what gambling has become for me. A drain on my life, my soul, my being. i am sick and tired of  this cr*p! WHAT THE H*LL IS WRONG WITH ME?
All i want is to be happy. I don’t need to be rich. I just need enough to get by.
So what caused this mess??
1. Saw my "friend". He leaves me feeling empty.
2. Upset about the car. It is now a 4yr old money pit. i could have made another repair with the money I wasted.
3. I hate my life. i hate that I have no one special to share it with.
4. I am alone.
5. I feel worthless. I have no purpose in my life.
Bottom line, I caused this mess, me, no one else. I take your advice and throw it in the trash. i must love being misserable.
The only reason I didn’t crash my car was the thought of hurting someone else. This is really sick.
bettie

[p]

Bettie it is ok, You will be ok just keep coming back here and dont give up.  A lot of us have slipped.  Come and chat if you are around
 P – Living and Learning

[hockey]

Bettie,
Like P said, it’s OK. When ‘life lets you down’ gambling always seems to be there to ‘soothe the pain’. I hope to see you around the site soon.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
… I went out and gambled …

Good evening Bettie,
Reading your post caused be to think back when I went out and gambled.  There were two phases in my gambling life that came to mind. One was when I could go out on a planned trip for entertainment at casinos or even a spur of the moment night out for relaxation or even relief from some stressful event or empty feeling, or just not to be alone.  I would go to socialize with some friends or just to be with others for a while. It was a time where I enjoyed the excitement of this strange atmosphere.  However that phase ended and turned into a Hellish nightmare; this Hell was my other phase where I was no longer going for the entertainment of social connection, or the relief in just getting away for a while. I had crossed the invisible line into irresponsible uncontrolled gambling. After crossing over this line turning me into a compulsive gambler, there was no going back; there is no going back, not for me, for you, or any other CG.
I now went to feed an addiction, not for entertainment; in fact when I tried to include the entertainment that a casino offered during these times I just found myself leaving it early and heading for the machines, not giving any thought to an event that in the past would be my only reason for being there. I now went secretively so as not to have my gambling interrupted by friends; I now separated myself from all conversation or acknowledgement of anyone near me — I became rude and made myself obnoxious just to be alone with my addiction. I was not drawn by the hypnotic lights, bells, and noises; it was no longer an attraction but rather an obsession.  I had lost control of my life, I was now controlled by one of the most baffling, insidious, compulsive addictions that haunts mankind.
You say that you gambled this time because you felt empty; you were upset; you hated your life; and that you have no one special to share it with, that you are alone and feel worthless without purpose. these were the same things that I was doing after I lost my ability to enjoy life, the same excuses for me to continue to throw my life away. When you gambled this time did you feel fulfilled, were you no longer upset, did you find a special person to share your life with and give you a feeling of purpose? Or did you return home with the same feelings.
When I finely had enough and accepted that I could not gamble or even try to experiment on occasion with small bets, when I understood that these "lapses" or "slips" (my return to gambling) had and would always end with disastrous and devastating results reigniting old desires and providing for the inevitably return to my obsession, I stopped gambling for everything and I began to find and enjoy a better life and no longer doubted my usefulness or purpose.  You can do the same, you are not useless or even trying to fulfil a death wish.  You may go to bed and wake up with what you describe as a death wish (a feeling the is actually a characteristic of a CG; a desire to loose to punish oneself), but you go on; you live, maybe not the better life that being gambling free offers yet, but you do strive forward and think about a future, the welfare and safety of others, and about the lives of your fellow gamblers (perhaps a purpose). 
When you have had enough, when you truly accept the fact and truth that running away from your problems or fears by gambling will not help or give relief, you too can find and enjoy what you are searching for; you can be happy, with or with out richness, with or without enough to get by on. But it will only be found by continuously not gambling for anything while diligently working on recovery, a process that will cause change, including a change in the desire to punish.
God’ speed. Stay strong. Be honest, openminded, and willing.Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
This is copied from Larrys post:
"You say that you gambled this time because you felt empty; you were upset; you hated your life; and that you have no one special to share it with, that you are alone and feel worthless without purpose. these were the same things that I was doing after I lost my ability to enjoy life, the same excuses for me to continue to throw my life away. When you gambled this time did you feel fulfilled, were you no longer upset, did you find a special person to share your life with and give you a feeling of purpose? Or did you return home with the same feelings."
To answer Larrys question, not only did I return home with the same feelings, I came home feeling 10x worse. The only person I found to share my life with was the bartender and waitresses who enjoyed the $1 tip for each beer they brought.
I notice a trend in my posts. Life passes day by day. Every time I have success I seem to sabotage myself. Self destructive, like I don’t deserve any happiness. Root causes I guess. I can get help but don’t move to do it. I’m not stupid. Help is a phone call away. But as much as I say on this forum, I am a compulsive gambler, maybe saying it to a total strainger makes it too real. Maybe it’s the truth that I am still hiding from and didn’t ever realize it.
P, Hockey, thanks for posting.
I went to see Jules today. What a sweetheart! We talked for hours like we were old pals and had known each other for ages. Funny, in reality I have few people in my life who I can call true friends, I have always had a hard time making friends, like I don’t really fit in. Maybe thats why I always loved "Rudolph, the red nosed reindeer." I have felt like a misfit toy my whole life. She said something to me too that I found amazing. She said I was very well liked on the GT forum. That made me feel like as mundane and screwed up my life is, theres still hope for me. Thank you Jules! Our little visit meant more to me than u can ever know.
Not really feeling up to it but I’m gonna check the chat, tail between my legs!
Thank you all for your support!
peace
bettie

[gloria m]

Bettie keep coming back because your life is so worth it.  I really enjoyed meeting you in the open chat tonight.  Don’t beat yourself up so much.  It isn’t always easy but it is always worth it.Winning a jackpot will never be life changing, but gambling compulsively is for me.

[p]

Hi Bettie was glad to see you in chat again.  I understand how you feel and it is hard coming back here and saying you slipped but the good thing is you did, some people dont come back after they slip.  Some people get it straight away, some people dont.  I am one who has stumbled along the way but i am constantly trying.  Try to learn from your last slip they usually teach us a lot or that is what i have found anyway.  We can do this Bettie, glad you came straight back
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

A new day, a new dawn. with it comes the hope for a new day. Trying to keep busy. My brother called, he wants to recheck the assestment of the mechanic. I think they are screwing me around and recomending work that isn’t needed.
I have such a good brother.
So many good things in life that i let depression (?) take away from me. Not today. Today I will look around at all I take for granted. Today I will tell my head to shut up and just listen to my heart.
peace
bettie

[kathryn]

Hi Bettie,
Oh my love, my heart pained at your posts.  Try and think of this addiction as a seperate person, oh it loves us to be sad and lonely, miserable and depressed.  It whispers in your ear, ‘gamble, and you will feel better’, knowing full well you will leave feeling lower than you ever thought you could.  When it starts to whisper again, remember how you feel now, and dont let those words lure you back.
You are a wonderful person, you have a fantastic sense of humour (im still saving the wax for your candle, nearly there, just a few more ears!) You dont give yourself enough credit.  This addiction makes us feel worthless, when the truth is that we are not, we just need to find the strength to block our ears (more wax for me!!)  I always believed that if we were told something often enough we start to believe it.  This is the addictions motto…tell us we are nothing and we will feel we are nothing, we deserve nothing.  ITS A LOAD OF CRAP!!!  We deserve to be happy, we deserve to have a great life, and it can be done….dont listen to that voice. 
You are a valued member of this community, with so many who respect you and truly enjoy your company (me included)
Well done for coming back and journalling, its so easy not to…but you did and that speaks volumes my friend.
Take care of you, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
"Another saturday night and i ain’t got no body". What  a silly song. Went to the fireworks with my brother and his daughter, It was very nice. More tomorrow. Decited to throw a last minute get together tomorrow, Invited my mom but she won’t come. Seems she talked to my daughter sometime today about my sister not including her in her plans. I heard her tell my sister, "well, she must have talked to Jennie and i am NOT GOING!"
I haven’t spoken to my daughter at all today. Mom wants me to beg her to come over as she has already made up her mind about what took place. I avoid even talking to my Mom because of stuff like this. I know where my negatitavity comes from. My sister is at her breaking point however she was very Wrong not including mom with what she was doing.
The family dynamic is so hard. My gosh we are so disfunctional! I guess it’s always been this way but I have been escaping from it for years by gambling. I need to face this one head on. My mom is unstable. I can’t make her a better
mom. I can be a better daughter. I should have realized that  she would spend the holiday alone because my sister would not include her in her plans. I had no plans until an hour ago and I did include her but somehow I am now the bad guy!
I’ll have my brother call her after she gets home from Church tomorrow. I know she will be carrying on at her Church how awful her children are. My brother used to have a sticker on his fridge, "The more U complain the longer God lets U live."
My Mom will live to 100, no problem!
I really did want to gamble today, which makes no cense to me. I really distroyed the "credit backup" I had made for myself in case of emergency. I cash advanced the only credit cards I have. ( I did stop carring them but found them in my purse because I had taken them with to the car repair shop and forgot to take them out, BIG DUMMY ME!)Next barrier, cut off all cash advance. It was not much, 300 one card 200 another, but now i have to pay that back.
I wanted to address the new banking laws going into effect in the US on AUG 15th. The banks are trying despertly to get u to "opt in". DON"T FALL FOR IT! They are seeking out accounts that are overdrawn alot and even calling these customers to have them "opt in" so they can continue to charge up to $280 daily in overdraft fees plus additional daily fees after a few days. You don’t have to do anything. BY LAW, you will be automaticly opted OUT on AUg 15, just don’t let them trick you. THEY REALLY DON"T WANT TO LOOSE THE FEES U PAY THEM> I KNOW THIS FIRST HAND!
Some good news, I just got a call from my "friend’. He said you didn’t sound too good when I talked to you Thursday ( I called him crying on the phone when I left the casino). He just wanted to know how I was. Now you might be thinking "big deal". Well for him, it is!
My brother thinks the brakes are good for at least another 20-30,000 miles. He also rotated my tires and the "SHAKE" in the front seems better. Mind you, the shop was trying to get me for over $1000 in repairs. He is ordering tune up parts, trying to figure out why it runs rough (misses) under a load but stops when you back off the gas. (OH yea, you may not know I am a hairdresser and tomboy! lol!)
Well, I had my lazy day of rest and need to get up and pick up this mess for tomorrow.
Thanks for being my friends!
ps K, you’re getting as smart as Larry!
kisses!
bettie
 

[غير معروف]

Hiya Bettie:  Sorry I missed you on chat.  Sorry also to hear that you were feeling bad after a recent slip.  Glad to see that you are turning things around with a little Independence Day celebration.  Happy 4th of July to you and all my American friends :)!!!
Take it easy on yourself and take the time to dig a little deeper into why you’re trying to fill the void with gambling.  It’s a trying journey, but one in which we could get to know ourselves and our dreams a little bit better.
Love,
RGMay you be safe and happy.  May you be peaceful.

[ddsroad]

Hi Bettie,
A little late, but sorry to hear about the slip!  I know how you feel afterwards!  You think it is such a good idea at the time and are guaranteed to feel the way you did after the fact.  I’m glad you are back on the wagon.  You are an awesome person.  You should post a list of all of the good things about yourself!  You have a lot going for you, so, girl, you write down a good solid of list of the Bettie plusses.  Focus on the good and anything else, tell yourself you are going to deal with it a little bit at a time.  Then the good and the bad are all good because you are moving forward!  Hang in there.  You have really been doing great!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Thanks for the posts!
Got up early to get a start in here. Need to sign off the pc and get off my butt and get moving. Glad I planed a little something for today. I am off tomorrow and that leads to temptation. You wouldn’t think so but "it’s" here this morning, nagging me with the "just 100" thing. UGH!
Well, can’t happen anyway so it will go away soon enough.
Hope to catch some chat latter.
Happy 4th of July!
bettie

[finding_laura]

Happy 4th of July Bettie!  Sorry I was not up to speed on chat last night, was rather dopey and had not read your thread for a few days.  It’s great that you and Jules have been able to strike up a deeper support with one another.  We do need people in our lives that understand us.  That know we are not bad people intentionally making wrong choices for the sake of it. 
We did not become who we are in a day nor will we change who we are in a day.  And bottom line, we are the only people that we can change.  No one else.   Slowly I am learning to be the centre of my universe.  That may sound strange!  But I was always so worried about external things and people in a way.  Now I am worrying about me.  Being happy in me, on my own, and we’ll just see how the rest of the world fits into Laura’s universe!  Hubby included!
So strengthen those barriers, know that you are truly loved here.  Glad to see you pick yourself right back up. 
Enjoy your celebrations!
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hey Laura, i have been lazy about reading posts myself so don’t worry.
Had a nice little cook out. We swam for about an hour too. Water is just right, cool and refreshing.
Guess what I did?? Back to day 1! No , not gambling, I THREW OUT MY BACK PETTING THE CAT!!
the little stinker was rolling on the floor looking for a belly rub while I was sitting on the toilet, ( I live alone and don’t shut the door ). I reached over and BAM! Ouch, Ouch, OUCH!
So i had to continue to get ready for guests in pain.
I do believe this is the work of God Almighty. He wanted to kick me in the butt but due to my "compromised" position he could only reach my back! Guess thats one way to keep me out of the casino! I could not possibly sit in the car for 1&1/2 hours! Still having urges and could have snuck away but I got painfull devine intervention instead!
Thanks again for all your support.
bettie

[غير معروف]

See Scarlet, that will teach you to have those urges!!  LOL….God truly does work in mysterios ways!  I actually got a visual of that one…lol….you crack me up!  Glad you enjoyed your holiday…I worked all day, then napped.  I really need to post instead of just coming here and reading.  Talk to you soon..love ya!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

LOL Jules.
Yea, u poor thing~ Now that we have met i am sure you got a real funny visual! But you did see just how cute mr jingles is and how something so stupid could happen!
Oh well, just had another pill and I am off to bed. Did make it to more fireworks, they sure were nice!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

hI gUYS,
I called my cousin and planned the day early. One way to ward off the urge to gamble. These stupid slips are like taking that first drink or first smoke after not doing it for a while, you just want to do it again, even tho it gave me a headake and made me sick!
My daughter came over for a little swim. When I went to buzz the door to let her in it got stuck, she yanked on it and the plate glass shattered! It is still in tact so she didn’t get hurt, Thank God, but I had to call for a boardup. Hope they come soon! The next time the door shuts it could cave in with glass everywhere!
Such excitement!
Back to work tomorrow, YUCK!
Back is killing me, Yuck!
Got to call chrio tomorrow, everyone closed for the holiday today because it fell on a Sunday we got Monday off too.
peace
bettie

[jacquek]

I have read your whole journal from start to finish..I thank you for your honestly and have a lot of the same feelings.  Stay strong and thanks for your strength!

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Oh my BACK! I couldn’t dream of putting on pantyhose and a skirt, my usual attire esp. when it it is 90 outside. Took me 1/2 hour to dress, sweat and tears pouring down my face! Took a pair of sox and had one of the gals put them on my feet when i got to work. I couldn’t stay home today or I would have lost my holiday pay. Called chiro and they got me in right away so i took my lunch break early and went.
I got relief, Thank U Jesus, and was finally able to walk upright. Told Dr, about the sox and he chuckled. I looked at him funny and he said I must have had trouble doing other things. Light bulb moment, "Yea Doc, I couldn’t wipe my butt!"
They fixed my door. They put tape on it! I thought it would have atleast been boarded up by now.They are inviting a lawsuit if that glass flys when it falls out!
Starting to storm. Hope to be on the chat later!
Gamble free, thats a good feeling!
peace
bettie

[jacquek]

Thanks for checking in my journal…hope you are feeling better….hugs to you..

[ddsroad]

Bettie,
LOL.  Love the doctor comment!  Very, very funny.  Your attitude sounds great.  Way to keep pushing through the good and bad.  Sorry to hear about the back and hope it is feeling better soon!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

[p]

Hi Bettie
Yes had a bit of a giggle at that one.  Hope your back gets better very soon
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

hi Guys,
Vera, so good to see u on the chat!
Back a little better tonight, see chrio tomorrow.
Had a customer come in with overdrafts caused by casino withdrawls, WHY DOES THAT GIVE ME URGES??
She LOST her money, do I think I can go and get it for myself>??
think i will go take a dip!
peace
bettie
i think i am a dip!
TWO LAPS, THUNDER LIGHTNING!
bACK INSIDE!– 7/8/2010 12:47:36 AM: post edited by bettie.

[vera]

Hi Bettie…great to “chat”….sort of exhausted now. Worked a twelve hour shift. Not feeling the best . On anti biotics and slight pyrexia, but nothing compared to your back problems….how do you bear it? Even the thought freaks me out!…no computer access for days…02.20 now…gotta try to sleep. Off tomorrow and working twelve hour shifts again Friday and Saturday. Something is exhausting me…old age coming on?……talk soon!

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
well I missed chat, had to work late tonight.  Look at you going!  Swimming is great for the back.  Hope you are on the mend soon.  Take care,
Laura

[bettie]

Woke up in a mood this morning!
Called my friend last night to wish him a happy birthday. He saw me at work on tuesday, wanted to know why I wasn’t taking care of my self anymore. "You’ve really put on weight since you stopped going to the casino." I told him my back hurt so bad I could barely walk much less worry about makeup and doing my hair. "But you aren’t working out, it really shows." I tryed to explain even attempting to workout could futher dammage my back and that I have an appointment with the female Chrio for an assestment and a safe workout plan next week when the back calms down. Well, he had two more calls to make but he would call me back. He never called back.
Well, at least he mentioned the gambling free time. What an *ss!
I had a dream about an old boyfriend last night. He came to visit me but another girl horned in on our time and took him away from me. I think that is what happened with him in real life but that was 31 years ago. I feel so fat, ugly and unlovable!
Back is stiff, took the last of the vicoden. I need to clean and am afraid to move out of this chair!
Have to admit 1/2 of me wants to gamble after the chrio appt, the other 1/2 wants to go and ban.
I am defeated today already and it’s only 5:45 am. Maybe I should go back to bed and start over!
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[vera]

Tough one Bettie! Dreams and reality all fusing into one…..you called that guy and he gave you all that lowdown!!! He is a loser. He’d be getting a black envelope from me with a DROP DEAD DUDE birthday greeting…typical of FWB! They love to have you on the backfoot so the can take advantage…”am’nt I so lucky that this hunk will condesend to fat ugly me!…..Bugger him Bettie! You don’t need emotion suckers in your life at this point! That back sounds bad! I’m praying for you!

[female g]

Bettie I feel for you and wish you better days soon.  I can relate though I had a customer in a few days ago and (he was wasted) come from another bar and wanted me to help him get a cheap rate in the hotel,Which i did afterall we know each other over 10 years.  Anyway in his drunken stuper he says I don’t like your hair like that it makes you look old.  Well i was not impressed and felt awful especially because the hair was not cooperating at all that day and I just said to hell with it and went to work. So having him say that of course made me feel ugly. And I am far from ugly this i know and looking at him who is definetly not all that anyway had some nerve. but I didn’t let it pass since he insisted on hanging around even though i told him a number of times he should just go to bed.  Anyway I told him I didn`t recall asking him for his opinion when he says are you mad!!!!! jerk….  So I told my co workers and that helped to unload.  So the weekend passes and i go into the office at work and run into a x manager from 20 years ago and he says Wow you look the same as you did 20 years ago you look great Lol so just when you think someone can make you feel sh… there will always be someone waiting to make you feel good. I realize I need to focus on that feedback and give the negative a swift kick in the ass and move on.  there will always be people around who want to rain on our parade to hell with them Bettie.  You are doing so well and they don`t even have a clue and if they don`t support you move on my friendG Stay focused on recovery and maybe we can catch up on weekend chat  

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I am so sick of not having any self esteem. You guys are right on point, he is no good for me. Larry mentioned on the chat while he ( my "friend") lacks the social grace of returning the call his intention may have been to bring it to my attention and he may have been less than kind in his tatics.
I wish he really was my friend but the fact of the matter is he isn’t. I settle for the scraps he throws to me because I am so afraid of being alone and having no one to talk to. I wish I could give him a big kick. If I was in my right mind I would. Instead I called him to wish him happy birthday again in the hope that he would find a little time for me today.
"maybe later’ he tells me so I call him tonight, "im busy, I have some of the kids here with me and I have a lot of work yet to do tonight." I told him I would call him tomorrow. If i didn’t, I wouldn’t hear from him for days. There is no reason that his opinion of me matters so much so why does it? Why do I keep holding on to a "relationship" that is really not a relationship? I can’t make him love me, doesn’t matter if I’m a size 6,16 or 26, this will not change. I can tell it to my head, someone please explain it to my heart.
I’m in self destruction mode right now. I need to write this day off as a loss and consentrate on getting through the next two work days.
One chuckle today. Saw the chiro today. ( back has made a great recovery! Thank U Jesus!) He says his wife is always asking him about funny things that happen at the office. He said he told her about my soxs. Bet he told her about my butt too!
peace
bettie

[غير معروف]

Bettie, good to hear your back is better!  You need to tell dufus face to kiss off!! You are better than he deserves and any good man would be lucky to have you!  I’ve been struggling with the same issues as you, so I know how you feel.  And it sure doesn’t help when we have the financial mess to deal with to.  Hang in there girl!  I’ve been working like crazy and crazy hours too but I will give you a call this weekend.  Love ya!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[cully21]

Hi Bettie:
I will be on chat this weekend so  maybe goofy ol Cully from Texas can make you laugh. I always enjoy your comapany.
I am in a quote mood today. Below is some lyrics from an old Molly Hatchet song "Fall of the Peacmakers."
"A wise man told me there is something you should know. The way you judge a man is you look into his soul. And you’ll soon see everything."
I have looked into your soul Bettie. You are a beuatiful person.
God Bless,
Cully21

[bettie]

Oh, U guys are so sweet!
I was thinking about song lyrics today too. "I can’t make you love me", Bonnie Ratt, here’s one that i  can count on for more than a good cry, an absolute sob fest, "Story of my life", Linda Ronstant.
OMG, "just someone to lay down beside you,and even tho it’s not real, just someone to lay down beside you, the story of my life………"
So, even tho I own these songs they are not played unless I’m in a Patsy Cline mood, which can be induced by drinking Tequela then beer!
Don’t go there! Not for the weak! LOL!
I am in better spirits today. Got nothing as far as production at work but I don’t care. Mood swings, I think it’s the hormone therapy. I take the last one for the month tonight so maybe I can go back to just 2 personalities, bettie 1&2 instead of this wacked out 3rd one that has suddenly appeared!
Bettie 3 is really working my nerves! lol!
Oh well, almost made the GA meeting. Brought a change of clothes to work, mapped out my trip. Stopped for a bite. I didn’t count on the Friday traffic! At 7pm, meeting start time, i was only 1/2 way there. Turned around, came home.
I need to try Thursday PM. That one is only 15 minutes away and no highway to drive on.
Jules, you will understand this one. The friend of my "friend" called me at work today. He needed acct info. I gave it to him. He said I haven’t forgotten I still owe you a lunch or maybe we should make it dinner. I told him sure, next time you’re in town call me. I think we should go to the restruant that my "friends" other friend in town owns. I mean, he did say I could do what ever I wanted right??
peace
bettie

[kathryn]

Hiya Bettie,
Good lord, there is nothing like a man to make you feel like crap! (i dont mean any men on here of course!!!) Time for you to write a list, of all your beautiful qualities, and i know there is at least a page there.  I have learnt that if you dont give yourself a wrap up, no one else is going to do it for you!  So start looking in that mirror, remember all the people here who know you for who you are, sight unseen and love you for it!!!  Dont give that guy the satisfaction of sitting back with his smug face, knowing that you’re sitting there waiting for him to call.  What a moron.  You my lovely, deserve all that is wonderful in this world, and once you start to give yourself a little credit, things will happen when you least expect them to.
Take care gorgeous, im so pleased the back is feeling better,
Bye for now, Kathryn xxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Woke up early. Getting a head start on the day. Took a pain pill to loosen up this back. All in all it’s much better and i should be able to mannage some normal tasks, like laundry, cleaning the cat box ( yuck), and maybe a good walk today.
Weather looks good so we’ll see. I can’t stand the humid stuff but if thats the case I’ll swim a little.
Niece called to have her hair done tomorrow. Photographer is doing family photos at her mother in laws house.
Thats for tomorrow so at least I have some plans to keep me away from "u know where" this weekend.
Need more coffee and to get ready for work. Hope to chat later!
Kathryn, u are beautiful yourself!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Ava,
We just met on the chat. I hope u can go through with the ban. Start your own thread, start your recovery here with us. So many really nice people here to help you.
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
Woah, that man is not good for you.  I felt instantly defensive of you.  Hmmmmm!  Hope you are doing well now, and i hope to see you in chat soon
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
The good, the bad, and the ugly! My life of late. I managed a 2 mile workout, nothing earth shattering, back was ok but pain in my thigh stopped me and made me take little brakes. My niece came over and I did her hair for the photos. Wanted to walk to the store but the leg is acting funny, hurting on and off. Decited to drive to the store.
I was going to call my daughter and phone rang, it was her. She was asking for directions to the beach. I told her funny, we went for a little yesterday to try out the car repair. "Oh, and u didn’t call me?" Told her no, last minute and I knew she was with her boyfriend. I gave her directions and said I wouldn’t mind going. "Well, u went without me yesterday, and it’s just me and Chris (bf)." I just said oh.
I look back and try to pin point the start of the compulsive gambling. It’s the lonelyness i think more than anything. Today is a prime example. Everyone has something to do. My tasks are done. I have no place to go that I wish to go alone. Gambling was the perfect escape for a day like today.
I hate feeling like this, unwanted, unwelcomed and unloved. Is this depression, hormones, pms?? Withdrawl??
Need to shake this off and move on!
bettie
ps lost my brother 8 years ago today. Maybe thats making me a little over sensitive today.– 7/11/2010 8:08:09 PM: post edited by bettie.

[deelaven]

Hi Bettie, just ready your post. I know what you mean about the lonliness. At one point in my life I wanted everyone to just leave me alone, well I learned be careful what you wish for! Through gambling I created that life and now I have shut myself out from friends and social events. It does get very lonely and a day at the casino took care of that. I’m keeping myself busy today but I need to put myself out there and make some new friends so I have something to do. I’m scared of making new friends and making an effort. It is hard and opens up the possibility of rejection but the alternative is not the answer either.

[bettie]

Good Morning,
Had a dream last night. I was fighting with the manager of an icecream shop for overcharging me. She was sorry but she could do nothing about it. What the heck was that about?? I was feeling powerless. Maybe that was it.
Have to get ready for work. I will have to stay late most likely but have no choice. Hope to get some business today.
No gambling today.
bettie
 

[vera]

In the dream you are the both manager and the person who was overcharged Bettie! You feel you have been short changed! that’s my humble interpretation…read the e mail I sent you earlier. A coincidence?..was the ice cream melting while the arguement took place?

[bettie]

The icecream was one giant puddle as the cone was sideways laying in a card board box!

[vera]

interesting! I did a bit of study on dream work…melting icecream denotes disillusionment, fear of betrayal or things slipping out of control or slipping out of our hands…iscream! you may need to let off steam by yelling!…I LOVE hearing peoples’ dreams!…

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just checking in. Went on the chat, good to see u all. Hope to be on the one tomorrow (9 pm for me).
My medical records are becoming public knowledge! Back good, leg is having sharp pains now. Pinched nerve? thats Dr Laura’s diganois! I see chrio after work so we’ll see!
Funny, now I feel like working out and can’t! Took a dip in the pool. Not alot of real swimming but I did work the leg under the water. Felt fine. Climbed out of the pool and "WAM-OUCH!  Limped home!
Called my Mom to plan a trip down state to see my nieces, my deceased brothers girls. We will go at the end of August as the state fair is underway and I haven’t gone in years. ( Last time i weighted 300 lbs and it was 100 degrees out there, didn’t last long!) I do believe the car is finally in good enough shape for the trip! Yea! Did I tell u i had a wonderful big brother?? $40 dollar fix, it’s running smooth, like it should!
Talked to my sister today, we talked about my deceased brother. Both in tears but I felt better. Somehow I just felt like no one really cared enough to remember him yesterday. I was wrong, as usual!
Urges tonight. Why? No reason. they passed. Did get the phone number for the counceling services avalable through my job. Now I just need to make the call.
peace
bettie

[deelaven]

Hi Bettie, I thought about you today and wondered how you are doing? Sounds as if you are well. Good for you for working out. I need to get on that train as well. A couple of years ago I tore my achilles tendon and haven’t got back into the routine since. Also, I gambled to darn much. No time for exercise. Now I do and I will get there. Glad to hear your progress. Your friend, Dee

[p]

Hi Bettie
Thank you for your support chicky.  I am in a bad place but i guess i can only go one way up from here.  I have reached the bottom again!!! Hey good on you for exercising, something i am planning very soon to get into.  I will be on board with you.  After i finish this toast hehe… chat soon
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Missed the Chiro, had a last minute customer my asst manager dumped on me and he was a pain in the butt!
Oh well, I told her I was going during work time tomorrow so If my co worker shows up late there will be no one taking customers and I don’t really care.
Crampy and sore-Yuck!
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Guys!
Up early, female issues. This is why I am taking the med’s that are putting some weight on me and went through that horrible test. Why? So far, no good! Well, she said it would take time to inprove but like all cg’s I wanted it fixed YESTERDAY!
Gonna pop into work then leave for my chiro appt. Have to bring a change of clothes. (90 and humid today) so I don’t want to wear slacks today.
Need to run, catch u later!
peace
bettie

[jacquek]

Hope u have a wonderful day!!

[p]

Hey Bettie
Good luck with that chiro appointment.  Hope things get sorted for you very soon
 P – Living and Learning

[غير معروف]

Betty, my friend, how are things today?  Sorry I missed your call last night.  My phone didn’t have a signal.  It’s been acting up lately.  If I don’t answer on my cell, try my home phone.  Hope today finds you feeling better!  Love ya like a sister!   JulesIf you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

hi Guys!
I so wanted to catch the chat tonight but my sister called and came over with my niece for a swim. 90 outside, water was beauitful! My brother joined us.
Got some bad new, cousin called from down state and my Aunt passed today. So sad. There were 8 boys and six girls. My dads twin sister and their baby sister are the only ones left. I can picture my Aunt Rosie in heaven playing cards with my Dad and all their kin! They were a fun bunch of good ol" country folk and I can just see them all together!
Urges so I am glad my sister called for the swim. I must do something about this soon! The only answer is to ban, so I have to commit to doing it.
Catch u in the morning!
bettie

[bettie]

Good Morning,
Oh Friday is here! Saw Chiro and they want me to commit to two visits a week for 6 weeks for strength training for my back. Thats good and all but at $30 a visit, ($360 for the time) we will have to work on a payment plan. I have avoided joining a gym due to the $$ but this course of treatment will cost almost the same as a one year gym membership.
Have lost about 6 of the 15lbs i "found" this year so at least  something is happening! Still feel bloated and clothes are tight but another 5 lbs will help with that, just have to do it.
Have a good day/night and I’ll catch the chat when I get home later.
Still gamble free, no gamblimg today!
peace
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… Thats good and all but at $30 a visit …

Good morning Betty,
Not knocking a chiropractor of the service the provide, and not knowing your past efforts or insurance situation; I am still asking if you have tried a physical therapist prescribed by a MD. This way health insurance might cover some of the cost; if your doctor determined that your condition hindered or restricted in any way daily activities required to function, i.e., getting dressed, preparing meals,  traveling to work, or preforming work.  Like I said, I don’t know of your past history, but using a PT prescribed by a MD over a Chiro, unless they happen to be a MD/DC, was one thing that we (we as in my past union activities) recommended to our members to save on cost. A lot of insurance companies cover limited physical therapy even when they do not cover "adjustments".
God’s speed. Keep aware.Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hey Larry, the chiro is $30 no matter what they do. The pt with them is 100%. I never was a beliver in chiropratic since no one seems to be "cured" and they keep u going until run out of benifits!
I really like this guy tho and i think i’m atleast going to try a session or two.
Well Guys, I did it, I went to my first GA meeting. It was a good group, a couple who were 9 years and that was interesting.
They recomend that u go to lots of meetings but this was quite emotionaly draining and I don’t know about wanting to be the Newbee at a bunch of different places. I don’t feel like I did months ago and don’t think that I am in the crisis mode that I have been in in the past. But I do want to try to make the meeting on Thursday so we will see.
catch u on the chat!
peace
bettie– 7/17/2010 10:35:07 AM: post edited by bettie.

[p]

Hi Bettie
Nice to see you went to your meeting.. I have gone back to mine too.  The one i go to is a very small group but they are nice and i learn something every time i go. Mind you last time i blubbered so much all i could do is listen.  Day five for me today, onward and upward
 P – Living and Learning

[p]

Hey forgot to say, congrats on losing those pounds Bettie, good on you..
 P – Living and Learning

[rr04e]

Hi Bettie,
It was nice chatting with you. I did read your story on first page and did on some other pages.
Title of your thread is eye-catching but I also had this kind of thought the last two weeks.
Keep strong and gambling free Bettie. You’ll be on the list of my prayer. I thank you for listening to my story. Will catch u again at chat room. Have a blessed weekend

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Home from pizza and beer with my brother, brother in law, niece and mom. Told my brother in law the secret to get along with mom is to give her a beer every once in a while!
Got a call from my sister in law down state, She said the second guy that ever kissed me ( i was 12) was killed in a motorcycle accident. He was 47. Thats a shame and I am sorry for his family. It did bring up some sweet memories of him trying to get me into the hay barn on my uncle’s farm but I was a good girl then and refused.
Tired. My friend called and asked about my back. Then he wanted to know why I have gained weight! Hey , u throw your back out for 5 weeks and see how much u work out! Oh well, maybe he has good intentions or is worried about me. I doubt that as he is very self centered but I am worthy of being concerned about so I will just go with that!
Bed soon.
peace
bettie

[deelaven]

Hi Bettie, tell your "friend" that the reason you gained weight is because you are a human being! I know there are two sides to every story but geez, the nerve of some people. I’m glad to see you are doing well. Hey, I’m originally from Arlington Heights IL. Moved away about 20 years ago. Your friend, Dee

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Dee, i am about 45 minutes from Arlington Heights, small world u know?
Monday, monday-la la la la la la-can’t trust that day….
Well at least i woke up singing!
Gotta get to work!
peace
bettie

[jacquek]

Have a great week Bettie!

[p]

Hi Bettie
Sorry to hear of your old friend passing.  Sounds like you have a lot of fun with your brother… pizza and beer adventures hehe.  i dont like the sound of that guy ringing and asking why you gained weight i think its just rude, doesnt sound like a nice one at all really.  Is he a picture of perfection himself without any flaws???  I wonder if you pointed something out about him if he would be the same..
Hope to see you in chat soon
 P – Living and Learning

[deelaven]

Bettie, it is a small world. I can tell you that what I miss most about the area is the FOOD. OMG, pizza, hot dogs, italian beef…can’t get that stuff anywhere else. I used to work at Motorola in Shaumburg and the start of my gambling problems was at the Arlington Race Track. That is where I first went out of control and realized I have the addictive personality. I quit cold turkey for about 15 years. Then I went to Vegas, won some big money, and the monster was released again. I’m 2 weeks gamble free and I hope 15 years from now I will be writing about how I quit while living in Missouri in 2010.  – Dee

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
P, he can be really rude but he can be a real motovater too. He used to be a great support for my workouts but he is all about himself. He has an ex who told him he was only capable of loving himself. She is compleatly right. If I didn’t care for him there would be alot i could say but I’ll take the high road, until i really get fed up then watch out!
My daughter called me at work. Her boyfriend called and told her a Taxi hit her car and it may be totaled! This is really awful, she just paid it off 2 weeks ago! She can’t afford a car payment but I am afraid that the dammage is more than the car is worth. I called her Dad and asked him to help her get another car. He’s a good guy, he’ll help her out.
Tired, running all day!
till tomorrow….
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
UG! I went to dinner with my other friend, told him i went to a ga meeting, mistake, mistake, mistake!
He says I won’t say too much but you don’t know how much that p*sses me off. I work so hard for all my life to make money and to just throw it away, just makes me mad. I made a poor attempt to defend myself, that was a mistake too. Any one can make an excuse for anything he says. I told him I went to the meeting so I would have some one to talk to since I have no one who can understand this. He just looked at me.
I am so upset. People make their own happiness, you can chose to be happy if you want to he says.
Did I somehow chose to be CG? Did I chose to be unhappy? I don’t remember making those choices.
I wanted to SCREAM at him, do u know how many times I gambled because U broke a promise to me? Do you know how being involved with you eats at me because I know it’s wrong? Do u know that I hate myself?
I feel so broken
bettie

[meursault]

Hi Bettie
I think its so hard for those outside addiction to even have a grasp of it though your friend seems seriously to lack any empathy.
I wish I could say something wise to you.
Meursault
 

[bettie]

Hi Meur.
That tyrate was partly brought on by the 5 beers he had before I met up with him. He has no excuse ( he has an unadmitted drinking problem) and I got what I deserved, hurt feelings, because I should know by now I have no one to confide in. esp. him. He is like a slot machine to me, he takes the best from me and turns away after he’s gotten what he wants or needs from me. I am his fool, and the really sad part is I still feel if I got him out of my life I would be even more sad and lonley than I am right now.
sick, isn’t it?
bettie

[meursault]

Bettie
Is it true you would be sadder and more lonely than you are now with him in your life.
I really have little knowledge about you but i doubt that statement.
Meursault
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
M, this show the depths of my own self hatred that is only the tip of the iceberge when it comes to this illiness.
Some day, and hopefully it won’t be long, i will regain the respect i once had for myself and even if it means being alone i will stop compromising my own morals and rid myself of these unhealthy and unproductive relationships.
peace
bettie

[غير معروف]

Bettie, dear friend…You have all of us…We understand all too well.  Be proud of who you are and what you are accomplishing.  Don’t let this fool bring you down.  He is not worthy.  What’s the saying?  "the best revenge is…"….OK, I don’t remember what the actual saying is…so, I’ll make up my own….."the best revenge is…Bettie being happy with who she is and what she does and him living a miserable existense."  Works for me. 
 If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[finding_laura]

Hi Bettie,
I’m sorry that this "friend" (although I have a few other names for him) hurt you.  From what you are saying is far from the first time that has happened.  Of course when it is not our emotions that are tied up in a situation we can look at it and tell you to dump that SOB or never call him again.  Have you heard it said that in order to make room for the things you want in your life you have to kick all the crap to the curb first.  Otherwise there is no room for the good.  I’m sorry you feel so lonely Bettie.  I have been married for 20 years and there were still many times that I felt lonely.  I too wish I had something wise to say.  But I do think that this hurt has resulted in some growth.  Those are some pretty powerful statements you made.  You are growing Bettie and the changes will continue to happen.  My thoughts are with ya Bettie, hope you are having a better day.
Laura

[vera]

Bettie! Why are you giving your time/energy/emotion and( if this guy is like someone I know) probably picking up the food/drink tab too!!!!!………Why! oh why! Bettie? Allowing someone to suck all that emotion out of you is not healthy! I KNOW because Ive been there……And It is SOOO like gambling! Putting our HEARTS in a “slot machine,” and for such poor odds!………Remember, Bettie N O B O D Y has the power to hurt you, unless you give it to him……..(I’ll send you a juicy e mail when you recover from this wound lickin session!)……Oh, by the way. I had a great few days on the Aran Islands…Most Western point in Ireland and last stop before America! It’s a different life there. like entering a different world…….Back to work on Thursday…….eeeeeeeks!

[cant take it]

Hi Bettie,
Thanks for the birthday wishes, I really am happy that you thought of me.
I did go back into your thread, and found your post about your birthday.  I have done that so many years in a row, that I was so happy not to do it this time.  I went out to dinner with my family, and didn’t have that awful gambling hangover that I always had in the past.  So many birthday dinners were ruined because of my awful gambling habit.
This time I will really able to listen to what everyone had to say, and not have my mind wandering, and thinking about the mess that I made again.  It really does feel good to stay away from that darn place. I am actually starting to get out of bed alittle bit easier each day.  We can do this bettie.  I will talk to you in chat soon.

[p]

Hi Bettie
I hope that you are feeling a bit better today.. What can i say, we all know that man is no good for you but it is you that has to see that and feel that.  It is easy for other people though to tell you as we are not in that position ourselves.  I hope things start turning round for you soon Bettie.  We love you here you know that
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Boy, what a week! I’ve been running with the daughter every night trying to get things together for her.
The car was a total loss. Her insurance gave her a very fair amount for the car, $4400, concitering that it was 5 years old and beat up in general with 100,000 miles on it. What a shame, she just paid it off 3 weeks ago and is ran very well. Her dad found an old car for her, 1998 , with low miles so hopefully it will have a little life left to it.
Thanks to everyone for their support. Someday I’ll get it together, i’ll learn to love me.
Hope to go to GA tonight, depends on the weather. Calling for stormes but if they get out of the way early i’ll go. If not, I’ll be chatting early!
See you all on the chat!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi guys,
Seems to be trouble on the chat. Oh well, it’s late and I’ll try tomorrow.
Made it to GA in the rain. Not quite so emotional tonight. I still don’t get when you start working the steps, they talk about it but I don’t know when that happens. Time will tell. Every one seems very nice but very religious. I will try to keep an open mind.
Hope to catch u all tomorrow!
peace
bettie

[kathryn]

Hi Bettie,
So pleased you have gone to GA…stick with it, i think we learn something from everything…hmmm, dont know if that makes sense!!  Anyway, had some amazing ears this week, pretty gross my friend!!!
Hope to see you on chat, if that connection problem fixes itself.
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[p]

Hi Bettie
I am exactly the same with GA im not sure where you start with the steps i find it a bit confusing, i just know i need to go and like listening to others stories and knowing i am amongst people who understand.  Hope you are having a good day Bettie
See you soon
 P – Living and Learning

[غير معروف]

Bettie, I am so proud of you for going to GA!  Keep it up as it cannot make it worse, only better.  Once my car gets fixed, I hope to join you.  Thanks for lending an ear friend.If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[female g]

Hey Bettie Good luck with the 12 steps and try not to let your guard down when it comes to sticking with what will help.  I feel the same when it comes to the religious element and sometimes it becomes a crutch for those who need one.  I choose to feel differently and though my faith is unstructured it is real.  Take what works for you and let the other stuff go ok.G Take your time and what works for some will not always work for you, just remember there dosen’t have to be any set rules. I like that freedom so that i feel I make the final decission on what will work for me.G

[p]

Nice to see you as always in chat Bettie.. Hope to see you again soon and hope the work situation resolves itself somehow soon
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Home from the wedding. It was nice, ate too much! Wore pumps, I was one of the few with shoes still on after the dinner. Why do we kill ourselves to wear shoes we just take off anyway??
Has a nice visit with my Nieces. My niece from down south came in on the train. She is so quite, I can’t believe she is one of us, lol! She’s 18 now, my brother would be so proud of her. I can’t believe I was pregnant with my daughter when I was her age. She is still just a babe in my eyes. I was so much older at 18.
I told My ex gambling buddy abut the GA meetings. She said "you know, I never thought you had a problem, I was suprised when you told me about the online therapy, but I can’t believe you need to go to GA, I never saw you like that." I told her that that is just how sneeky this illiness is, I lost my mind right in front of you and I was so good at covering up even you didn’t see it. I never lied to her, I just never told her about the return trips to the casino, the actual losses, the trips there without her,the feelings of discuss I had for myslf, the sleepless nights, the sucidal thoughts, the hopelessness, the fears,the shame.
Wow, that was a mouthful!
Work, more stress. They raised the goals 25%. I barely made it the last quarter and this one is off to a slow start. I think they just want to get rid of all of us oldtimers. They preach service but only judge you on sales ( new Accounts).
I am going to apply for different jobs in the company. The bankrupcy will be a big hinderance to getting another bank job beside the fact that I don’t want to give up my vacation time (4 weeks) and start over with 2. This sucks but I have to deal with it head on, can’t run and hide. I must be proactive and stop procrastnating.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Mersault, i didn’t leave the chat because of you. Was that person looking for gambling help or just help gambling??
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Morning,
Sorry about leaving the chat yesterday, internet pooped out. Still having problems so if I go mia tonight don’t worry, need nephew to come over and straighten me out.
Would love to call off today, just can’t afford to.
catch u all soon!
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
Glad you enjoyed the wedding and good to see you on chat as always… I hope work improves for you and you find another job that is less stressful.  Anyway i will see you again soon, you are doing well, i know what you mean about how easy it was to hide this addiction, that is how i was too, only this time after my slip there was no hiding it i was an absolute basket case, which in a way i am greatful for because now i am heading for recovery.. nice to see you Bettie look forward to seeing you soon
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
What a day, I am pooped!
Had my semi annual review today-what a joke!
My coworker was back from vacation today. He took a customer at 9:15 am. My boss sat in his office, reading his news paper. At about 10:30 he shoots me an e mail to say that the lobby is backed up and can I move my customer along.
He was busy working on reviews and couldn’t take a customer! Mind you, I had already taken 3 customers and was only with this one 5 minutes when he sent that! I was P*SSED! I proceded to take an additional 8 customers while my coworker STILL had the same customer from 9:15am! NOTHING was said to him-he’s the golden boy and takes as much time as he wants while I am stuck making 0 towards my goals taking all the service customers.
So it’s afternoon and time for my review. He proceeds to tell my how i am 111% for the 1st Quarter and 115% for the 2nd quarter. ( never mind that the goal was raised 10% so really I was 25% above the first quarter!) While I have made some improvement I still had quite a way to go as I could be exceeding my goals by much more.
Enough, what ever, i signed off on it then asked him,"Is this the time I tell you I am looking for a different position?"
He’s like, "are u kidding?" "No, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time as it is very defeating to make goals just to have them pushed out of reach. I am finding this position just too stressful with the pressure to sell sell sell and I will NOT put customers into accounts that they don’t need in order to make a goal, thats just not me."
"I can’t believe you want to move now. You are doing so well."
"That is the time to move ( mr x), as you can’t move while on probation. In all my career I have never had unsatasfactory reviews and write ups, until now."
He said he would speak to the regional about the goal and what was going on.
I told him I wanted to let him know so he wouldn’t hear it second hand.
I just can’t do this job anymore. I am burnt out and it sickens me to see all the cheaters rewarded for opening high value accounts with low balances to get better credit and placing waivers on so the customer doesn’t get charged, at least for a while. Then when they get charged I seem to get stuck trying to resolve their problems. When a company opens 7000 accounts in a quarter and closes out 9000 what does that tell you? Customer are getting jerked around and tired of it.
Sorry if that rambles but I just had to vent!
peace
bettie
 

[bettie]

having urges, where did that come from??
Gonna call my friend first thing in the morning, make a plan for the day.
hope to catch an early chat. stress i guess.
bettie

[female g]

keep up the biggest fight of your life, your worth it G

[meursault]

Hi Bettie
I have a boss who sometimes is ready to criticise any mistake that I make, even though he rarely knows what he is talking about, as he does not understand how my job works.
He uses words like " schoolboy error " and also includes the whole of the office in the emails he sends. Only one other person is subject to the same scrutiny that I am, and the rest are allowed to revel in incompetence, and they are good at that.
I used to find it quite hard to deal with and even when he tells me that I and the other get criticised most because we are the best and the highest paid, he does not understand how demotivating it can be.
I do my best now to let it go over my head and just think " there goes my boss again "
I see it is different for you and I would seek another position like you.
Take Care
Meursault
 
 

[howanan]

Hi Bettie,  Oh yeah the stress will certainly bring on the urges.  When ever I would get frustrated, I would get urges to just go sit and zombie out in front of the machine.  But as we both know, this only causes more stress and self loathing.  So I am glad to read you are planning on spending time with your non gambling friend.  Have a good day.  And yes, look for another job…………..Nancy

[jacquek]

Definitely have a plan Bettie.  You’ve recognized it and addressing it.  Hope you have a wonderful gamble free day!

[vera]

Bettie, I hope that urge got a good kick in the ass! If we were to give in where would we be….3 guesses! Let us know how the day went for you! Which friend did you call………..?????????

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Vera, u are such a funny girl!
I was on the chat 2x yesterday, went thrift shopping with my friend, another friend called and stopped by for a hair cut. He said "see, i even let you cut my hair, i trust you." "Really? such a pleasure for me! Not like work at all." Always better to have hairdresser friends then be a hairdresser! LOL! Oh well, i don’t mind, most friends pay me but I don’t like to ask. Those that don’t usually have some kind of trade off.
I spent a couple of hours on the phone with Jules, good therapy for both of us.
I did work around those urges but not easy. 29 days today, and GA tonight so my 30 days is assured!
Thanks to everyone who posted, you really did help me through!
See u on the weekend chat!
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
Congratulations!!!!!30 days, well done.. Sounds like you have been busy but having some fun too.  So glad you and Jules are close by, must be awesome.  Hold your head high at that meeting Bettie, you have done well
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Here i am, taking a break from cooking and cleaning. I put a roast in the oven just to have a reason to stay in. Urges will pass but right now i have to kill time until i have convinced myself that it would be too late to gamble and get home at a decent time. I know I am playing mind games with myself, i really don’t want to gamble but then again I do.
I have no $$ to go, i will feel bad if I go, i don’t want to feel like this.
I worked out even though the dvd didn’t want to play. 40 minutes, better than i thought i would do. Maybe I’ll get the wash together, that will kill a couple of hours.
peace
bettie

[deelaven]

Hi Bettie, don’t know what is going on but I have urges today also. It has been 26 days since I last gambled and I havn’t had urges until today. I knew they would rear their ugly head. Sooooo, just like you are doing, I need to busy myself with other things. Gonna go call a friend. Let us both stay strong. Dee

[bettie]

hi dee, hi guys,
Just ate the roast, sweet potato and carrots, yummy!
Gonna start wash, then go to the grocery store, that should get me past the "danger zone". Still want to go. Dee, I think "day 30" is a trigger time, i seem to remember being here before!
this too shall pass,
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
Sorry to hear you are having urges… you will get through, keep doing what you have been doing, keep putting that urge off it will eventually pass.  You are doing so well amongst your stressful circumstances.  How about treating yourself to a movie or getting your hair done or something when you get the urge to go again.  Maybe a new pair of shoes for the new path for you..
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi P , hi guys!
Still here, still reading and posting. Invited my brother and daughter over so hopefully one will show.
Past the "danger zone" so i’ll be ok. Glad i didn’t open the mail yesterday. I did that loan modfication, checked my payment and it was showing late fee. I called the lady who was doing the paperwork. She never called me back, i left two messages. I got a letter from the collection department that i am in forclosure and owe $3500! Thats not even possible! Even without the loan mod I would be short $90 bucks! Were did they get that figure?????
By the way, this is the mortgage division of the company i work for. Customers complain and now I see why!
See, God didn’t want me to open that mail, That may have put me over the edge yesterday or today!
peace,
bettie

[bettie]

Sorry Larry, Vtc,
I got knocked out of the chat, would have loved to taked to you!
bettie

[howanan]

I was good that you recognized the need to stay busy until the urges past.  Sometimes they are sooo hard to fight,.  But by keeping busy you are not thinking about them.  I hope you get that mortgage business straightened out….Nancy

[bettie]

Just talked to the mortgage company, frustrating! "Thats a system generated letter", where did u get that figure?"That would be the amout you owe." The amount I would owe? The mortgage is current and the documents were signed in June, can u see the mortgage payment record?" Let me transfer you to the modification department." "Why?? You sent the letter!" They will have to explain it to you." Let me explain something to you, I am terified you may accidently send a sherriff to evict me, then what do I do? "Mam, let me transfer your call, they can explain it to you."
Call transfered,"mam.they have to close out the modification." WHAT ARE U WAITING FOR? Why would i get a letter like that? " It’s system generated." And why is that? The loan is current.
This is so frustrating! Oh well, what ya gonna do? I guess it’s alright, I told them I want another leter stating the loan is current so if someone knocks on my door and tries to toss me out I’ll have something to show them! I wont hold my breath!
Not a good way to start the day, in tears, but I really think I have done all that I can and it should be ok. I feel just like a customer! At least when I get one walking in the door with a letter like that I’ll know what to tell them.
On to start my Monday,
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Got a letter from "my" casino today, I only need 1000 points ($5 lost=1 pt) to continue with my "star" status card! Mind u , i excluded in March. I opened that letter, i would normaly throw it out, but now i know who to write to to demand they take me off their list! If I walked in there, put in a card, I would go to jail. I really think they want u to sneak in and play so they can have more of your money. I know they miss me, because my points in the months pryor to banning total about 4000, so that means i won/lost over $20,000 since last August.
Greedy b*st*rds, they have gotten enough from me!
Need to get the letter done, stamped, and ready to mail tomorrow!
peace
bettie

[kathryn]

You go girl,
Listen to yourself…strong, self assured, ready to give them all the finger.  Congrats my lovely, you are going along great, not to mention your 30+ days….WOOHOO from down under!!!
Bye for now, Kathryn xxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[غير معروف]

Hi, Bettie!
Could you please report that mailing to the Gaming Board in whatever state that casino is located?  The casino has just broken the law and could be fined lots of money for sending that to you. 
RIGB004@revenue.state.il.us
Illinois Gaming Board
160 North LaSalle, Suite 300
Chicago, Illinois 60601
312-814-4700
312-814-4602 fax
The self-exclusion agreement you signed with Indiana REQUIRES you to report this mailing to:
Indiana Gaming Commission
East Tower, Suite 1600
101 W. Washington Street
Indianapolis, IN 46204
(317) 233-0046
(317) 233-0047 fax
Thanks,
Therese

[p]

Hey Bettie
Good on you girl.. stupid casinos, hold onto your pennies while they are reaching out for them.  Dont give them a chance to snatch away your cash and self respect, you are doing great Bettie, keep going
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes, i mailed off my letter to the casino. Some where in my cg mind I could here a wisper, "they don’t know u banned, u could go". Well stick a pin in that balloon, it’s popped now!
Therese, I did forget I could get them fined, you are in such a state when u ban all u really see is that u can’t go back. What a mess it’s going to be if they leagalize video slots/poker in the bars in Illinois.I don’t know what i’ll do but cross that one if i have to. Thanks for the info, at this point i would like to get a little payback to them! lol!
Thanks for the support and well wishes! I am just overwelmed with stress from work, the little weekly "what are u doing to get some business in here" speech makes me cringe!
Gonna read, take a quick shower and hope to catch the next chat tonight.
peace
bettie– 8/5/2010 8:51:39 PM: post edited by bettie.

[salina]

ahh geez bettie.. thanks for hangin in there with me all this time. I know I have really sucked at the posting thing
but you have been there for me and i so so appreciate it and yes for today i have a whole new gpsthis to shall pass

[p]

Hi Bettie
Way to go on emailing that casino.. you are going really well and even though you have at times had those urges you have got through them one by one.. good on you Bettie.. always love seeing you on group and weekend chat see you again soon
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

I don’t know p, any more we are getting to be "CHATter boxes" lol!
Well today was interesting. Woke up with pain in my ankle, ouch! I don’t know what I did but by this afternoon it was really swolen and hurt to walk on, like a sprain. ( Get your minds out of the gutter, I slept with the cat last night, lol!)
Anyway, I had a customer who professed to be a healer and she prayed over my ankle and laied hands on me. Hey, I believe people have gifts so what the heck! It hurt all day, I wrapped it in an ace bandage and put a cold pack on it when I got home.
Know what? It doesn’t hurt so much and I think the swelling is going down. Hummmmmmmmmmmmm………
If it works I’m gonna get a whole body hug from the lady and see what happens!
So when do you stop thinking about gambling? It’s wednesday night, trigger time again. Little urges but they pass. guess my mind is still programed that it’s "boat" night. Well, some day….
peace
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Pain from ankle is gone, still a little swolen but I’ll take the pain relief any day!
Just staying busy, trying not to think about "you know what" but it’s a challenge.
No $$ = No Gamble
bettie

[vera]

just having a glance…interesting about your ankle B!………..been walking the streets here in Rotterdam…casino on every corner. Went into lots and guess what? Not one of the machines appealed to me in the least. would’nt have pllayed if they gave me free credit………my son is gone to meet some friends now…he knows a few guys here , one who ‘s job he is taking. It’s a six momth internship in an architecture office. He s taking a year off college. I ‘ve been fighting with him non stop since the night before we left Ireland…a combination of issues and today was the first day there was any normal interaction between us…I’m going home tomorrow night alone……!!!! Guess I’m mad at him for going away. Guess I m thinking of all the time I wasted in nevere never land. Guess Im looking at all these young , fit, handsome, SLIM people, and I resent growing old, fat and floppy……Only onr thing could be worse…if I had found some machine that did appeal to me and dumped the contents of my bank account ( such as it is), into it!!!
Bettie, well done on the cat story too…I believe you! Thousands wouldn’t!
Rotterdam is a lively city…mostly young people…I think I’m get both bored and jealous after a few weeks..
Oh! An interesting point…very few "locals" frequent the casinos…mainly Asians from what I’ve seen…

[bettie]

Vera,
Had to think 2x, what cat story?? LOL!!! Hehehehehehehehe! Still laughing, "thousands wouldn’t", oh don’t make me laugh like that! My side is hurting now!
Trust me, if some olympic event had taken place I wouldn’t have posted about it! lol!
How does one pretty much sprain an ankle, with out dammaging their foot, in their sleep??
I am sure the issue with the (ungrateful, lucky ) child is very normal. Me and my daughter get that way from time to time, she tells me I am acting just like my mom, which really burns me! Oh well, gotta love ‘um!
enjoy the rest of your trip, silly girl!
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
I am glad you were on those groups with me in the last few days.  It is always nice to have a chat.. What a horrendous night with the sleep zzzz but anyway today is another day and tonight i may sleep better!  Hope you have a good day today, will see you again soon no doubt..
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Woke at 6am with a hot flash, yuck! It’s over but now i need to rush and get ready for work. I don’t feel like it, want to go back to bed now. Head hurts, hungry. 
Gonna try to make GA tonight. 
Catch u all on the chat.
peace
bettie 

[bettie]

Morning all!
Wish I was in bed asleep but I have to get ready for work. They are having a picknic after work and I can’t get out of it so I have to go.
Went to GA last night. I guess thay work a step a month in the meeting. We looked at step 8 , list those your gambling has harmed and be willing to make amends. This one is tough, and I guess they all will be, but thought provoking. I know part of my gambling is due to my abandoment issues. They left home, left town, etc. I used them as an excuse (blaming) to gamble but "harm" them? I’m not so sure. I never stole $$ to gamble. I did borrow to cover debt but have repaid all loans. I did steal from myself and abused my credit cards, In that sence I stole, but unless i win the lotto, which won’t happen because i don’t gamble anymore, I couldn’t possibly repay that debt.
Oh well, I’m no where near that step so i will put it on the back burner, and cross that bridge when i get there.
got to get ready for work. Catch u all later!
peace
bettie

[rr04e]

Well done Bettie! We are going to move on and on and on with life. The past is the past and we’ll not fall into the same hole again. It’s nice to see you in morning chat today (night for you lol).
Have a blessed day Bettie!

[bettie]

Good Monday Morning!
Should be working out but too tired, lazy, and depressed. I will have lots of coffee and get moving. I am done with the hormone therapy, compleat waste of time. Has not helped in any way shape or form. I am so full of fluid I don’t even know what I can wear to work untill the swelling goes down. I took measurements yesterday and i weigh almost the same as 2 years ago this time but I am 5 inches bigger around my waist and hips! No wonder my clothes don’t fit!
My brain is on pity party mode and I want to gamble. My ex gambling buddy called yesterday. She claims she called my cell to invite me to some big party Sauturday but it went to voice mail and she didn’t leave a message. Thats some BS as she said a few more things, she left a message, didn’t leave a message, just a lot of double talk. Bottom line, she didn’t include me but found it necessary to tell me about the good time she had. I didn’t question what she had to say, didn’t stand up for myself, for fear of chasing off my "friend". It’s a shame the female relationships in my life are not much different than the male ones. It’s me, something so wrong with me, that I attract such users and I just accept it because it’s better than being alone. Like I was all weekend.
I wish my "higher power" would fix that for me as I don’t know what to do about it, my defect, that attracts users and prevents me from finding true friends, male or female. You all are NOT included in this statement, but cyber friendships may be the start I need, social skill that I am missing somehow, that make me like I am.
just thinking out loud
peace
bettie

[howanan]

Hi Bettie,  I had a "friend" for over 25 years.  She was about 15 years older than me.  She was my closest friend.  I just realized that this friendship was one way. Her way.  I guess I felt sorry for her.  She didn’t have alot and her daughter had nothing to do with her.  She never came to my house to visit me.  I always went to see her.  When we went out to eat, I drove and I paid.  I sent her cards for all occasions, bought her gifts for birthdays and Christmas.  I have recieved less the 10 cards from her over the years.  My gambling counselor told me she was a user and to watch out that she didn’t start hitting me up for money.  One Thursday she called crying saying she had no money to get through the next two weeks before her social security check came.  I told her I would put money in her checking account because the summer ocean traffic was really bad.  She said she wanted cash.  So like a sucker I drove in that traffic to give her money.  When I got there I noticed she had just gotten a hair cut.  She said when I left she was going to drive to the next town to buy her dog chicken livers.  They didn’t sell the kind he liked at the super market near her.  Well, you can tell I was p*ssed about this.  But I said nothing.  After all she was my"friend".  The next day she calls again and says "I need money".  I told her okay.  But I thought about it all day and didn’t take any to her. She called and left a message "where are you, did you get lost?  I am sitting here waiting."  I decided I really didn’t need a "friend" like that.  She has tried calling me twice and that is all after that.  And no she never gave my money back.  Do I have any regrets giving up that friendship.  I don’t.  It is cheaper for me not to have her as my friend.  I am telling you this Bettie as you don’t need those kind of friendships either.  Friendship is give and take – not one way.  Stressing about those so called friends can send us right back to gambling.  Take care,,,,,,,,,,Nancy

[bettie]

Well guys, must be a theme running here.
Got a phone call from an old boyfriend today. He had emailed me yesterday as he basicly demanded that I do him a favor and pick up some chewing tobacco , 3 bags, and bring them to him, and to call him as soon as I got the email.
To heck with that. I hit the delete button. He calls on my cell, while I was at work, and leaves a massage. Uh Bettie, this is xxxx, i don’t know if you picked up your email but I requested that u call me when u got it. I’ve made arrangements to go out tomorrow and pick my stuff up myself, so you don’t need to be bothered.
I called him back on my lunch hour. He wouldn’t pick up. I left him a message. Hi XXX this is bettie. You called me at work, on my cell. I had a customer and couldn’t pick up. No, I didn’t get your email. I was out all day yesterday. Sorry that  couldn’t do you a favor in a timely mannor.
What a jerk! I here from him when he wants something. I think back to the years we were together and man, he’s never done a thing to inconvience himself for me. The last time I saw him he was so rude to me I stayed about 10 minutes and left. He calls when he wants $$, wants food, want "companionship". When has he ever called me to watch a movie, share a meal ( That I didn’t bring or cook ), or just to shoot the breese.
I am sick of these people. I guess i will spend even more time alone so I better learn to like me! lol!
peace
bettie

[غير معروف]

Bettie, hang in there girl…you deserve so much better than these jerks are giving you.  I say ditch them all.  Wait for the one that is right for you and deserves YOU!  Love ya!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[p]

Good on you Bettie
You hang in there girl and dont let those guys get you down or the people you work with.. You keep going and hold your head up high!  you are a great support to others here, tomorrow is a new day and i hope it improves for you
 P – Living and Learning

[howanan]

Bettie, You dont need "friends" like that.  Be your own best friend until the right one comes along.  Treat yourself kindly and give yourself the kind of things you would a friend……..Love yourself just as you are………Nancy

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Man, my life is likw a rollercoaster. I no sooner get on an even keal something comes out of the blue and knocks the wind out of my sails.
The poor folks on the chats last night got to here this but I must vent one more time.
Stuck with service work all day. Last minute I get a "regular" customer that usually sees my co worker, and she has 2 months of unauthorized transactions on her account. At least 45 minutes of work. I don’t send her away, I do the right thing, work her case, so the asst manager takes the next customer and guess what? They come in with $100,000 to open new accounts. I get $17 toward my goal, she gets about $200. Today I will get my weekly lecture as to why am I so behind on my goal. My partner had $1600, Asst mgr, 600, and I only have $390. The stress over this is just killing me! I get stuck doing the right thing and I am punished for it. This is a no win situtation. No excuses, they are making their goals, I’m not. And they do not care about anything else!
Well, a lot of this is luck, and as we all know, I don’t have any of that. I will call the recuting manager for the teller manager job to see if they will even give me an interview. I have little hope as I applyed last week and have not heard a thing.
Venting done, need to get to work and make the best of it.
peace
bettie

[ddsroad]

Hi Bettie,
Sorry to hear that work is so frustrating!  I know what you mean about doing the right thing and the rewards not coming to you.  Well, you are doing such a great job on the gambling, this will work out too.  I always enjoy seeing you on chat.  You are a blast to hang with!  Hang in there.  Good things will come to you!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

[غير معروف]

Ok…Where are you at Bettie?  Don’t make me drive there in my yellow bus work van! 🙂  Hope all is well.  I’ll call tonight!  If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Don’t worry Jules, I didn’t go anywhere. I should be going to GA tonight so I’ll catch the chat a little after that.
It’s paul315/larry’s 1 Year clean Birthday! Be sure to congradulate him on this fantastic acheavement!
bettie
 — 8/13/2010 12:37:33 PM: post edited by bettie.

[paul315]

Good morning Betty,
Thanks for your kind words and thoughts.
I woke up glad that I was alive today!Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

[female g]

you are recieving rewards the reward is the knowledge you gain from the experiences you go through.  You are open to learning and accepting the person you are.  You must stay true to you and when someone tries to treat you like a doormatt throw them to the curb move on and raise your standards and your voice to attract the kind of friends you deserve. You have many friends here and many more will see your glow and want to be apart of it for sure!!!!g

[bettie]

just getting ready for work.
Made it to ga, had a little talk about feeling like an outsider and having not made a connection with anyone in particular. They keep telling me to call them. I have so many things i want to say but can’t get it out. One of the guys said "you should talk to xxxx, she’s a nice Christian lady." I thought to myself, thats the problem, i’m not. How will someone like that relate to me?
Thanks for the posts guys, always happy to see them!
peace
bettie
 

[female g]

hey Bettie try not to under estimate the potential of friensship with this Quote " nice christian Lady" it could go two ways,perhaps she is just a nice person or  is needy only one way to find out. Go forth with confidance in your demeaner even if on the inside you don’t feel that way.  the  expression Fake it  until you make it or own it.  I believe in that ,positivenergy will always draw people towards you. Once they get to know you how could they not want to develope  a frienship with you. You portray a very nice self here. Just believe in your self we believe in you.g

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… How will someone like that relate to me? …

Good evening Betty,
Just got in from work and started reading some post from people just like me, CGs that I can relate to because we have a common bond. We may not share the same social backgrounds or same philosophies about life itself, but we do share an addiction. I can relate to their troubles because I have experienced them; they relate to me in the same way.
Call the lady that you mention, you have a whole lot in common with someone like that; just keep in mind that you do not have to be friends or do not have to fit in the same mold — you are leaning on each other for help in recovery.
God’s speed. Stay strong.
p.s. hopefully you do not corrupt her and give her reason to lose her wings. lol
 Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

[cully21]

Hi Bettie:
I am a Christian. Whether I am good or not is up to God and others perceptions I guess. From my faith and point of view, we all fall short and all sinners. Christ did not come to save the saved, he came to save the lost. More than likely you will find this lady has a lot in common with you and is growing daily just like you.
I am not bragging, but my faith could have been broken a long time ago. But in an odd way, I know God and Jesus have been right beside me the whole time. They give me free will to follow them or to turn and seek my own ways of the flesh. What a merciful God we have to love a wretch like me.
The bible is full of people who made mistakes. Look at King David. He lusted after another man’s wife, laid with her, got her pregnant, and then had her husband, who was faithul to the king, murdered. David payed dearly for the consequences of his sin never went away. But he confessed and repented and God took care of him.
I highyly doubt this lady will be judemental of you. In fact, she will probably relate to you more than you think. If you have ever prayed to God and Jesus, I assure you you will get an answer my friend. Pehaps this is one resource he is sending you with his love.
To my friend who accepts me the way I am as I do her,
God Bless,
Cully21

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Larry hit the nail on the head. The  "Christian" part is not the problem, the lady part is.
As far as Christainty is concerned I really relate to Job, but must conceed he had it a lot worse than me!
I really need to seek out some one on one therapy to sort out my self esteem issues. Someone on the chat today was talking about their "fat" niece and it really brought up some awful childhood memories of the ridicule I endured that tore me to pieces. The world is free to make fun of the obease, It’s the "last taboo". You would never walk up to someone of a different race and make a comment but it’s ok to say something to an overweight person. Just as non gamblers do not understand cg’s, a lot of thin people are clueless when it comes to the pain they inflict by harsh words and "teasing’, esp a child. Trust me, no matter how good your intentions are It is torment to that person. I had a teacher who would pull me and my overweight friend off the playground and make us go weigh ourselves in a coat closet then lecture us about how we didn’t fit in and that all we needed was to push our selves away from the table a little hungry and we would be fine. (She was a Nun, by the way.) Did she think the kids outside laughing their heads off accepted us any better after that??
If you can’t be safe from the adults in your family not to hurt you where do you turn? Maybe you become a fat compulsive gambler later in life, who knows?
G, Larry and Cully, thank u for your thoughtful posts
just venting, I’ll be fine!
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
Hows things, i understand about your post re the weight thing.. it is awful when people tease especially young about their weight.. i am overweight right now and i know i feel awful enough with myself for being this way sometimes let alone someone telling you its not ok.. my son has the opposite problem he can eat what he wants but doesnt put on much weight and i am trying to fatten him up all the time.. nice to see you posting and hope to see you on chat soon
 P – Living and Learning

[angela9761]

always remember, you are not alone, this site is for us and for you, there are people to talk to here, people who understand what you are going through because we have been there, some are still there.  Gambling and lies are a close couple, there is no way to separate the two, they work together and the bad part is that we just don’t lie to ourself but we lie to those we love and care about but that can be overcome and with time and a LOT of patience you will turn it all around but you have to want it and still thinking about going to the casinos is not a good start, bann yourself, give your finances to someone else for awhile, after some time that self control will come around, but don’t expect it to be quick and it will take a lot of time, the first place to start is to forgive yourself—-others will come around in time but you have to give them that, forgive yourself, vow to make a new start, you will feel better about yourself and your life, believe me, I have been there as so many others on this site. Talk to us, pour out whatever you need to we will listen and help you get through this

[bettie]

Beautiful Monday!
Oh how I wish I didn’t have to go to work but glad I have a job, many don’t.
Long day today, won’t get off until late.
Just popping in to start the week.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi guys,
So what did I do over the weekend? I went a little ebay crazy. Didn’t have much $$ to spare but never thought of that during those gambling weekend so what the heck? Right? A little treat. Got the last season of The Sopranos and two new workout dvd’s. Don’t ask me why I watch the exersize in the PC dvd and play The Sopranos on the tv/dvd. I guess watching people get wacked takes my mind off the sweat rolling in my eyes and the pain in my leg. What a treat! I can’t wait for the stuff to get here.
Going to bed, hope to catch the chat tomorrow night.
peace
bettie

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
I did nothing over the weekend.  Couldn’t even spend much time on weekend chat.  I’m ready for a good spell!
I can relate to a lot of what you said.  I am the same at work.  Which is putting my job at risk even because I’m having a hard time making standards right now.
Thank-you for your honesty Bettie.  This thread is for you first and foremost but it does speak to the rest of us as well.  It seems when we stop gambling for a while we start to deal with the reasons why we gambled.  I’m glad you are here with us, sharing your wit and your thoughts, while you work things out.  Sounds like you are doing some relationship purging.  Out with the jerks!   We all know you deserve better.  Hope Bettie is realizing it too 🙂
talk soon Bettie, my typing limit is up!
take care, laura

[howanan]

Ain’t nothing wrong with buying ourselves something we deserve.  I too have been on EBAY.  My dermatologist suggested I use a product called Obagi.  That is expensive, so I bought some on EBAY.  Also I bought a walking counter.  Now when I take my walks I might just go alittle further knowing I am counting.  lol
How is the friend thing going.  I hope you are standing  your ground with them.  Friendship is sharing, it goes both ways.  I also hope things pick up at work.  But I can read you are a caring person and will go out of your way to help everyone.  Even those when you don’t make your standards. 
Have a good Tuesday…….Nancy

[bettie]

Hey!
What a nice chat! Everyone so up, I didn’t want to bring them down.
Tried real hard to workout and watch the diet last week, This week, zip! I ordered new workout stuff hoping for some motovation. I hate feeling this way! I have to go for blood work soon and I know I won’t be happy with the results.
I called one of my "fwb"s on Friday, 3 years anniversary of my "friendship" with him. He hurt my feelings so bad it was all I could get through the day. Long story short, he doesn’t want me anymore, or at least thats what he said. As soon as the wind blows and he need someone he’ll call, and I will swallow my pride and let him back in to complicate my life. We have been on a roll with song lyrics here lately and there is one that always gets me. "I don’t know that I’ve ever been really loved, by a hand thats touched me." This man doesn’t know what real lonelyness is. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Just imagine accepting someone , dropping everything, to spend a few stolen moments then wonder when or even if you’ll ever see him again. Thats my life, the one I want to run to the casino to escape from. I promised myself the last time he layed his guilt trip on me i would ask him to make sure that leaving me was what he really wanted, because I could make sure that that happened. Too weak, I just couldn’t do it. And after the speech on why we shouldn’t see each other he wanted to know if I could leave work early so he could come by.
So how do I deal with the situtation? I eat, I avoid working out, and I complain that i’m gaining weight.
I don’t want to be what I once was. I built a wall of fat to protect myself from getting hurt, to make sure no man would want me. Then what do I do? Lose weight and accept the worse scum of the earth because I should be so greatful that they paid me 5 minutes of attention.
When do I grow up?
bettie

[vera]

Bettie, Bettie, Bettie!
I just sent you an e mail and then looked in here to read about this vermin you call your friend!
He is NOT your friend Bettie!
He is an emotion – sucker , who has no power over you, except the power you give him. It’s nothing to do with being fat or thin. It’s about your generous nature picking up lame dogs who cock their legs and pee all over you when somethimg better turns up, and what do you do?
Drown your sorrows in the Casino…
How do I know all this…?
Because I did the same for years m’darling!
What will you do with this GEEK’…?
Chew him up and spit him out B!
HE does NOT deserve you….he s a WORM!
"What you are aware of, you are in control of, what you are not aware of, is in control of you"!
Recovery is about taking control Bettie! You know that!
 

[bettie]

 
 
 
 
When I get where I’m going
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I’m gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I’m gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it’s like
To ride a drop of rain.

Chorus:
Yeah, when I get where I’m goin’
There’ll be only happy tears
I’ll shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I’ll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I’m goin’
Don’t cry for me down here.

I’m gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he’ll match me step for step
And I’ll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left
And then I’ll hug his neck.

Chorus:
Yeah, when I get where I’m goin’
There’ll be only happy tears
I’ll shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I’ll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah, when I get where I’m goin’
Don’t cry for me down here.

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can’t answer
So much work to do.

But when I get where I’m goin’
And I see my maker’s face
I’ll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace
Yeah, when I get where I’m goin’
Oh, when I get where I’m goin’
There’ll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I’m goin’
Yeah, when I get where I’m goin’…
This song is by Brad Paisley and Dolly Pardon Titled "When I get to where I’m going"
I feel this song alot. It makes me sad but lifts me up too.
So much In this life I just don’t get, maybe someday…..
bettie– 8/18/2010 3:53:42 PM: post edited by bettie.

[p]

Hi Bettie
You know we all love you on here.  You are doing really well with your gamble free time and i am sure all the other stuff will sort itself given time.  As for that man hmmmm grrrrrrr… well…
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
P, Laura, Vera, the list is endless. I feel your love, i really do. Too bad I can’t channel that love into love for myself.
I am ashamed to admit that I did just exactly what I shouldn’t do. I tried to escape into the casino and as usual it solved nothing.
I am sorry for my slip but truth be told I want to go again. It is as I always thought it would be, I miss having some place to run to when I want to escape.
There are better ways to deal with life besides running to the casino, I know that. I have to work harder, I have to want recovery more than I do, I have to want a better life, a different life than the one I’ve been living because this one is leading to destruction. I am scared to leave the "known" for the "unknown". that little nagging voice in my head tells me it will never be better, nothing and no one is waiting for you.
But i am a gambler, why not take the chance for something better?
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[kathryn]

Hi Bettie,
Hmmmm, im gone for a week and what happens?  A man makes you feel so bad about yourself that you feel the only way to feel better is to gamble.
You are funny, smart, and yes my friend, you are beautiful, inside and out.  HOW DARE someone make you feel less than what you are. Doesnt the addiction just love him…it is playing right into its hands.  I wish you could see yourself like we all see you.  Vera i hit the nail on the head with her post, i love that woman, talk about say it like it is, lol.
You are worth, and deserve soooo much more.  I can only hope that one day you will look in the mirror and see yourself for what you truly are…an amazing person!!
Take care, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

So i get up today and what do I see? Yet another day that I have to pull myself up by the boot straps and face the day. Well,I’ll make the best of it. I don’t feel like going to GA tonight and don’t think I will. Need to find a gift for my mom’s birthday, she’s 75 on Sunday. I don’t want to leave the house, I want to wallow in self pity but I won’t. No one to blame for my problems but me.
Kathryn, thanks for the post and I will try but I realize that I have been living with this self esteem issue for over 40 years and I have not delt with it too well. The "friend" is just a symptom of a much larger issue, one I have to face head on and stop running from.
bettie

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
quick note to say it sounds to me like you have stopped running from it.  Maybe still working your way up to turning and facing it, but you’re seeing it in your peripheral vision.  Otherwise, you’d still be busy feeding the machines and not here learning with the rest of us, what we need to, to deal with the nasties that brought us here.  We can’t accomplish in a day what we’ve been so good at avoiding for years!  Love ya Bettie, you will get there, you are on the right path.
Laura

[غير معروف]

Bettie, Katherine hit it right on the nail. You are SMART, FUNNY AND BEAUTIFUL AND DESERVE BETTER!  Somewhere in life, you convinced yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy or wanted. (I know this because my brother told me the same thing the other night about myself.)    You need to quit the stinkin thinkin girl.  Love ya!
If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!– 8/20/2010 9:05:06 PM: post edited by jules2myfriends.

[kathryn]

Hi Bettie,
While i truly understand that self esteem issues dont just dissapear, theres something else ive learnt….if you are told something often enough you begin to believe it! So ill say again beautiful girl, you are amazing!!!!!
Take care, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Such lovely friends I have here!
Just wanted u all to know I’m hanging in there. Need to hit the bed but wanted to drop a line of thanks to u all.
Party for Mom  tomorrow but should be popping on the chat ever so often.
Hope to see u!
bettie

[sherry123]

Hi Bettie,  I just read through your thread. Everyone is right…you are a very beautiful person and deserve to be treated with honor and respect.  You’ve grown so much since your first post.  Don’t let this ‘friend’ keep dragging you down.  If the way he treats you is a trigger to gamble that’s all the more reason to break that bad habit.
 

[bettie]

Thanks for the posts!
It’s Sunday,Woke up fighting urges and will continue to do so all day. I’ve put it in my mind that someone, anyone will call and wonder what I am doing so i want to stay close to home. I will start the wash and work toward staying clean today, just for today.
bettie

[sherry123]

‘Woke up fighting urges’ is better than ‘woke up wishing I was dead’!  When I logged on to GT and saw your topic, I immediately started reading your thread because that’s how I felt.  Remember that feeling of the first day you logged on and hopefully it will squash the urges.  Have a great day Bettie. 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
today has been tough but i think i am past the time limit that i would venture out so I will be safe today. Didn’t help that my darling daughter came over with a story to tell me about her and the bf going to the casino. He hit some beginners luck, as we have all been there. I didn’t need to hear that and asked her infuture to keep those stories to herself and that has just added to the urges today! At least she had the smarts to leave when he got paid out. As a confirmed CG I would have stayed, felt like it was "my turn" and thrown it all back and them some. She gave me cash to deposit for her. I locked it in a drawer so it doesn’t "accidently" wind up in my purse and on the road!
bettie

[vera]

Is your daughter CRAZY Bettie?
Does she KNOW you are a CG…? maybe, (obviously) she doesn’t realise the full impications. I hope she never finds out first hand! Was it safe for you to agree to hold her "lucky" money?
I’m being very subjective here….
Hope your mom’s 75th party went well…
 

[vera]

Is your daughter CRAZY Bettie?
Does she KNOW you are a CG…? maybe, (obviously) she doesn’t realise the full impications. I hope she never finds out first hand! Was it safe for you to agree to hold her "lucky" money?
I’m being very subjective here….
Hope your mom’s 75th party went well…
 

[bettie]

Vera, The girl is crazy!
I think she thinks since I banned I’m cured! Thats like taking an achoholic to a bar, handing them a beer, then tell them just to "sniff" it and put it down!
I got over it but BOY, that was tough.
Got news too good to be true. Looks like my mortgage is over paid. When they did the loan modification the took the deliquent payments and put them into the mortgage while the collection department sent me bills anyway, which I paid because they were threating forclosure so I am over paid by almost 5 mortgage payments!! I don’t believe it, just too good to be true but will hope for the best. A big break, and i could really use one!
The party was lovely Vera, made her really happy.
Well, off to a little cleaning!
peace
bettie
 

[female g]

hey beautiful, smart, loving, kind, intuitive, bright, Miss Bettie just thought i would let you know what others have discovered about you since you have been apart of this site. You should never be the last to know the truth but the first to embrace the truth and accept truth. Those that try to hold you back will never be worth the Anxiety you are left with.  Listen to us because we do know better.keep up the battle G

[bettie]

Thank u sweet G! Good to hear from you.
Speaking of which, I got in touch with Miss P! It seems she has been ill to and not posting but assures me she’s ok.
Just wanted to update, should be working out but sitting here typing!
peace
bettie

[vera]

Didn’t get a chance to speak to you in the chat earlier Bettie!
My son (long lost) came home. Had a lovely girl with him. Hubby and I prepared starter and dessert for dinner. She and he cooked the main course! All very polite and easy…
for a change!
 

[bettie]

Hey V,
Maybe the girl is good for him? Mine is thinking of ridding herself of one she’s with.
I stay netural until the fireworks are over. Whenever I like one it’s the kiss of death…..
bettie

[vera]

Lovely girl but I can’t help wondering what Im missing…He sees himself as a loser. If he continues like that she’ll give him the push!
Is your daughter still wallowing in her big win?

[bettie]

It’s sitting in her account-for now. She is moving next week and has no funiture to speak of so maybe she will hold on to a little. She has been going through $$ like water this past year. I know the BF is a druggie but it really doesn’t explain where it all goes.
If I didn’t know better I would think she was out gambling. No sign’s of it in her bank account but cg’s are a sneeky lot aren’ we?
God, I Pray, she is not CG or worse.

[paul315]

Good evening Betty, saw you on line and just thought I would post to you. I could use the chat room tonight; I have been replying to newbies and a few other post and feel like just posting some general remarks like the chat room gets on occasion. One thing that is in line with our exchange about strange disappearances and death in this area (and also related to recovery – can’t seem to get away from that; not that I want to).  A man that showed up at our GA meeting a couple of months ago for a couple of meeting has gone missing. He was an emigrant type person from Mexico with family in California but working the hotels here and of course gambling at the hotel casinos downtown.
Anyway there are now posters up asking about his whereabouts. And the strange thing the made me think about your relatives association with the killer here last month, is that at the same time the posters went up the Coast Guard found a body in the river that looked like a suspicious death. Don’t know about the outcome yet, but the disappearance and his not showing up any more is a strange confidence. But we have newcomers not showing back up a lot, so his possible demise might not be the reason. 
Seems like an unusual post, but I just felt like posting some different thoughts, thoughts that might better fit in with the chats about life in general then here, so thanks for listening anyway. The problem with here over the chat room is that it doesnt get deleted when I sign off and readers will have to just pass it up instead of singing off hoping for a change in topic on their return – it is here waiting for the archives, lol.
 Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

[bettie]

Hey Paul!
Sorry u missed the chat! The body that i think finally made the paper was a 15 year old run away from a group home. Very troubled and sad life. They picked up a 20 yr "boyfriend" and his friend for the murder, SO SAD! There but for the grace of God go I………

[p]

Hey Bettie was nice seeing you on chat.  Thanks for being such a wonderful support to me i really appreciate it.. Thank you thank you
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Didn’t want you to think i got lost.Very tired all week! Worked real hard but no workout. Didn’t get my blood work done (again!) so i should have canceled dr appt. Got to remember to call them tomorrow. I have decited to stop beating my self up for a change and try to not think about working out or diet for a while. I am so discusted with the limited clothing choices I have right now so if I can just pick up a couple of skirts to hold me over I’ll feel better. I don’t know what is going on with my body, i can "diet" and workout but nothing changes. I am off next week and will leave town for 5 days, something my gambling has prevented me from doing for 2 years now! I won’t go "hog wild" but if i want a french fry i’ll have it.  Just feel the need to change things up!
Hope everyone is doing well. Went to dinner with ex husband tonight. He told me he is in the early stages of kidney failure. I asked him what the h*ll was he doing drinking soda pop? He is diabetic now too and just couldn’t understand why i skipped the butter and rolls, got an egg substitute spinich and feta omlet and got sugar free syrup for the pancakes that i should not have eaten anyways. I tried to point out he was eating all starch, (even more than me). Pasta with breaded veal, chicken noodle soup, 2 rolls with butter, 2 glasses of cola. Then he justified his supper with the fact that he had only eaten snacks cakes (4) all day. OMG! What is he thinking?
It’s funny how we justify just anything we want to do. I’ve been telling this guy for YEARS to put down the pop can. He has suffered with kidney stones now for just as long as I can remember and had a large portion of his intestine removed 2 years ago. I don’t know. No one can save me from me so how do I save him from himself?
peace
bettie– 8/26/2010 2:44:34 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

This posted 3 times so i deleated the last two!!– 8/26/2010 2:43:09 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

— 8/26/2010 2:42:12 AM: post edited by bettie.

[p]

Hi Bettie
I dont think we can help anyone else to stop things unless they really  want to do it themselves, i know you are worried for your ex but it seems you have tried for a long time to help him.. I guess it is ultimately his choice if he wants to keep drinking that stuff, kind of like us with our gambling, there is probably no way we would stop unless we make that choice to do so.. I am happily gamble free Bettie and got through a week of monster urges and am so happy about it.. I hope you are well today and i will see you on chat this weekend at some stage i hope.. always love seeing you there
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

How do U spell Happy?
V A C A T I O N! Thank u Jesus! 6 hours to freedom! Come on 1pm!
Slow chat weeekend so far so I hope to catch u all soon!
Tx p, u r always so sweet!
bettie

[p]

Vacation Bettie?…. woohhooooo you so deserve it, i am excited for you hehe
 P – Living and Learning

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… Just looked at my cc stmt. I called them and begged then to cut off cash access. They won’t! "It’s part of the account." …

Good morning Bettie,
Read your post to Grace about cash advances on your cc. In case you are not aware of this service, you can request that approval for these transactions not be allowed when used at casinos that use Global Cash Access (most do). Go here for information: http://www.globalcashaccess.com/Responsible_Gaming.html , and here for the form to complete and mail in, it is for cc use and check cashing approvals: http://www.globalcashaccess.com/skin/gca/Instructions_to_Reject_Transactions.pdf .
This is only another barrier, the not gambling is still a choice that is up to you. 
God’ speed. Stay strong. Keep aware.
 Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

[bettie]

Thanks Paul!
Didn’t know about that one. The bill was from the last slip  and really makes me mad because that card was PAID OFF.
Slip recovery is almost worse than quitting in the first place. I think it is because we have cleared some of the "cg" fog out of our heads and are wondering, "What the h*ll was I thinking??" when we never thought to question it before.
I cleaned closets all day yesterday. Funny how you find things lost so long ago. I found the cord for my back massage pad, could have used that all summer and I found the RX for blood pressure that I lost, in am old purse! $65 dollars retrived from the trash! Yea!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Well what a day!
I didn’t leave for my trip so i could help my daughter start moving. I am exausted! I also ran into a shocking suprise,
hundreds and i mean like a stack over 6 inches tall, of loosing scratch-off lottery tickets. Three, Five, Ten and Twenty dollar tickets. Thousands of dollars worth. Is this where the money goes? I am just sick! I gave her those bingo style tickets when she was 12, when she was in the hospital, because she had to work at them to figure out the winners.
What a nice gift to give your child. Compulsive gamblism, if there is such a word.I took her to Vegas when she turned 21, I taught her how to play poker and slot machines. All the gambling advice in the world.OMG, what did I do? I am devasted! She has had to face so much in 28 years, why this? Why?
I haven’t talked to her yet. I don’t know what to say. I would be a hipocrate no matter what i say or do.
Well off on the road trip. Hope the wifi works at the hotel so I can get online. If not, I’ll be back Sunday.
peace
bettie
 

[sherry123]

That’s tough about your daughter.  Hind sight is always 20/20 (or something like that).  My mom took my nephew and my son to the casino when they were old enough and both had big wins.  If we only knew then what we know now we would never let them step foot in the casino.  A friend just gave an 18 year old slot machine tickets for his birthday.  I wanted to scream ‘NO’ but all I can do is pray that he doesn’t win and never wants to gamble again.  Have you thought about telling your daughter how bad gambling is for you and maybe you can work together against the demon.  She might be looking for help too. If you want to know your past; look into your present conditions.If you want to know your future; look into your present actions.~Roy Mathews

[bettie]

Made it to the hotel. It is passable but for what u pay it should be nicer. Pool is out of order!
Lots on my mind, trying to be patient with my mom but it is hard. She complains non stop, we have only seen two people and i have heard the same gripes 4 times! She started in on my daughter and I had to stop her. Mine is the only grand child that does ANYTHING for her, giving up most of her saturdays to hang out with her but if everything is not to her liking then no one is doing anything for her. I have been patient , it’s only been 14 hours, but it’s had it’s moments already.
I am meeting Marbeauty from GT tomorrow.( She was here briefly around March and we have kept in touch. She is a devout GA member now) I am excited about that . My brother will keep mom tomorrow. She is MAD that I made a plan without her. I will be attacted for the next 10 years for that one, "Well she took me then she ran off and had fun without me as soon as we got there!" Well, it’s my vacation too.
God grant me the serenty…….
peace
bettie

[p]

Hey Bettie
I am thinking of you.. i hope that holiday is going well.. im also thinking of your daughter too, hopefully she is just a social gambler Bettie, though i dont like the sound of it, remember though and i know this will be the toughest thing, we cant stop other people untill they are ready to themselves.  Chin up Bettie, let her see the positive improvements in your life from not gambling
 P – Living and Learning

[vera]

Hi B!
Just as well that pool is out of order or your mom might be taking an unplanned swim. Head first! Can she dive ?
Why don’t you plan a little "family conference" every evening and each one gets to have an input in what to do next day. Putting each other first, of course!
As you say, its your holiday too!
I remember Marbeauty! Wish her a good day from me! Hope she s still " clean"!
As for the Lottery tickets….I’m numb!
I would freak if any of my kids gambled…I ll talk to you later about it!
Bed now . Long day tomorrow so up at 6.30!
 

[finding_laura]

Hi Bettie,
hope your tongue is still in one piece!  I have to bite mine around my mother quite often too.  Enjoy meeting your friend.  Good for you doing something for yourself in so many ways.  We can’t always be martyrs. Talk soon.
Laura

[bettie]

hi guys,
so many lovely posts. Nice to come "home" to. The visit with Marbeauty didn’t happen. She had some pressing matters that came up. I understand that things happen but why does it always seem when I have plans with someone? My sister said it "them" not me but I get stood up so often I can’t help but wonder..
My Aunt that lives here has surgery today. They removed her blatter. Her life will never be the same. She is tough and has survived cancer twice so if anyone can make aa comback it will br her. Hope to see her before we leave. Her hospital is 1&1/2 hours away.
Visited with my brother and sister in law today. Went to "Grand Tower", it a rock formatation in the middle of the Mississippi where Louis And Clark were when they basicly explored the mid west in the 1800"s. Very historic place in American History.
Went to the cemetary to visit my dad, brother, grandparents and uncles grave. I held it back when I got into the car. I didn’t want them to see me cry.This year was so hard about remembering them. So much grief, esp. for my brother.I miss him so much!
I posted in F&F section. Need to leave a little note of thanks there. I will address that issue when I get back, just don’t know how quickly I will do it.
My mom resents me being on the PC and said they should all be burned. It’s because they take attention from her and my sister gets on her pc when mom drives her crazy.
gotta run!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I saw Jenny’s new post and found this old one. Based on the many conversations I’ve had with so many people here this poem really spoke to me. If only I could get this message to sink in. It is wonderful advice.
let it go!!!!
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. LET them GO!
And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead. You’ve got to know when it’s dead.
You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of goodbye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in goodbye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay. LET THEM GO!
If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to…LET IT GO!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains…LET IT GO!
If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and see your worth…LET THEM GO!
If someone has angered you…LET THEM GO!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge…LET IT GO!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction…LET IT GO!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents…LET IT GO!
If you have a bad attitude…LET IT GO!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better…LET IT GO!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship……. LET IT GO!
If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help themselves…LET IT GO!
If you’re feeling depressed and stressed…LET IT GO!
Get Right  or Get Left, think about it, and then…LET IT GO!
i often go through this poem over and over when i am feeling down on myself for gambling…. hope it helps all of you…
love jenny
jenny

[sherry123]

That is a very ‘to the point’ inspirational poem.  Thanks for sharing.If you want to know your past; look into your present conditions.If you want to know your future; look into your present actions.~Roy Mathews

[p]

Hey Bettie
What a great poem, I really enjoyed reading it and could so relate to it all too… glad you are back safe and sound.. missed you on chat so hopefully see you on there later.. well done for getting through
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
p I’ll be home tomorrow. Ken, I lost my connection!! Enjoy the grand boy! Have fun.Sherry, life would be wonderful if i could follow this advice!
peace
bettie

[kathryn]

Hey Bettie,
Just sending my love to a very special person, someone who i know is way too hard on herself.
As for your daughter, that post made me feel really sad.  Please be kind to yourself, i started gambling with my mother, but i dont blame her for my addiction.  Everything happens for a reason, the good and the bad.  It would be easy to say my mother introduced me to gambling, but in reality, i think i would have found it myself anyway.
I hope your trip turned out to be a little less stressful that the beginning.
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
awesome Poem, really.  Will be going into my inspirational quotes etc document I keep.  Hope you get a little peace and quiet before work.  I hear your wings are ready for taking your mama on her trip 🙂   Hugs Bettie, I just can’t even imagine losing a sibling. Or a parent.  I must count my blesssings that my life has not been touched by that kind of grief.  Stay strong Bettie.  You will know when the time is right to talk to your daughter.  Thinking of ya.
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guy,
I’m home! TIRED! Spent the night with my daughter. We did have a little heart -to -heart talk. She claimes she kept those tickets as a reminer to how much she spent, claiming they were more than a years worth. I gave her my spin on things, that CG’s are lotto players too. I told her i knew about how much $$ was slipping through her hands.She claims the casino is not a regular outing. I referred her to the twenty questions, advised her on how and why i think i "crossed the line" and how it sneeks up on you.
How much am I buying? I hope what she is telling me is true but my heart says there is more to it. All I can do now is sit back watch and see.
gotta run., want to pop in on the chat
peace
bettie

[female g]

So good on you for stepping up to the plate.  This is truly a sign of real recovery and concern for the precious people in our lives.  I was so impressed becauce sometimes in the past while i was gambling i would decline from speaking up probably because of my own behaviour .  It was always in the back of my mind but gambling prevented me from doing the right thing sometimes.  So good on you once more. She will have you to thank for the advice for sure. We can feel like we have regained the right to be the parents are children want us to beG

[bettie]

Thanks G
Hey meurs, sorry we got cut off. Don’t know what happened to the chat tonight.
Too tired to post. Hard day, no gambling.
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
Thank you for being on chat today, it really helped me, you and the others gave me some great support so thank you.. it was greatly appreciated and i did manage to get through this day without gambling.. phew.. it was hard work and i nearly lost the plot but hey i am here and i didnt go and i am happy for that
see you soon on chat i hope bettie
Hope you are feeling good
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

I’m gonna try and update a little.
Since I got back from my trip I have been helping my daughter settle in her new rental. The landlord, a so called friend of mine came over last saturday with the lease. When he first approached me about finding a renter he told me he would rent to her for $600 monthly, which is a bargan price but it is a very old house and she will have to pay utilities.
My daughter saw the house, thought that the place would be good for her and her little dogs. She has credit issues and they will run credit checks so she is hard pressed to find a decient place, esp with pets and said yea, i want the place. I can have mom give you the $600 deposit and need to be in by Sept 1st.
After days of work, he comes with the lease when I wasn’t avalable to be there ( I tried to do this before I left town). He says it’s $1000 a month like we agreed on.( He tapped her shoulder and winked) She thought it was odd but since he was my friend she signed anyway. She called me to say mom this wierd thing happened. I told her no worries as I knew he was refinancing his own home and may have needed to do that in order to show income for his refinance and that I would call him when I got back.
Monday I call him, Oh no bettie, I never said that! How could I rent for less than what my mortgage and taxes are?
OMG! Long story short he is as sure he didn’t say it as I am sure he did!
Why would I have even shown her the place when I knew that price was out of reach for her? I told mutual friends at work what he offered her the house for. Why would I do that if he hadn’t said that???
I have racked my brain to try to figure out how this happened. I hate to think the worse of people but what was the motovation for him to do this? The old renters wanted to stay on, he had others interested, the place wasn’t sitting empty, WHY DID HE DO THIS? He is full aware of my and my daughters financial situtation. The burden on me is so great it is almost unbearable!
He will let her break the lease but where will she go? She won’t stay with me, I can’t have the dogs here. She won’t get rid of them. She is not the most stable person and I am worried sick! And I am so embarrased! How can I tell my family what I let happen? My brother was suppost to be there when she signed the lease. THANK GOD that didn’t happen! One of them would have been in jail
I gave him the additional $400 for the deposit. I will have to give him my next check to finish paying the rest of the rent for this month.
He came over Thursday and I made a list of what needed to be done right away (carpet cleaning, locks, etc.) He said what do you want now, this place to be like new? I told him no but if he was going to get $1000 for rent he could no longer be a slum lord and needed to clean the things we let slide, BECAUSE THE RENT WAS CHEAP!
Remember the break I got on my mortgage? Well no casino worries as he will get all that and more from me before it’s done!
I promised that the rent would be paid, he made a fuss about the dogs (too late *sshole!).
Some days I just wish I had never been born!
bettie
 

[vera]

why would you wish YOU had never been born B?
The world needs honest upright people like you, who deal straight (even with crooked people), who help their family-I think it’s most generous of you to row in behind your daughter, when you have your own financial problems and who are  still being polite and decent with this "slumlord"!
Maybe having a word with health and safety people or the  tenants association to let them know about the type of property being offered (it doesn’t sound too habitable!) would make him wish HE was never born!
Dishonest gangsters who masquerade as property developers or landlords should be shown in public for what they really are-criminals!
Who’s behind this rat?
A greedy wife?
Don’t allow youself to be diddled or let your daughter take advantage of your kindness Bettie!
Sometimes our children have to deal with their own business despite their problems!
Thought of getting a legal opinion? All a bit too nudge nudge wink wink for my liking!
There is a lot of money at stake!

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
 How can I tell my family what I let happen? …

Betty, what did YOU let happen? 
You are going through a transition period from addiction to recovery. Your energies need to be focused of that.
You suspect that your daughter is messed up in some way that is affecting her actions; and that she is not only supporting her habits, but those of her boy friend as well. 
I may be wrong, but the only thing that I see happening is that you are being put in a guilt trip by either others r yourself and are going against all the warnings about handing out money to someone who is using theirs wrongly; you are enabling your daughter to continue in the ways you fear.  She and her boyfriend are taking advantage; you are walking on a slippery slope. What happens when the rent is due and they come up with "the" story of why they do not have any money. Let the boyfriend keep the dogs while she is staying with you and HE finds them a suitable place to stay.
Sorry to sound so negative, but it is really meant to to try and give positive support. Look into what the members of F&F have found to be true in similar situations.
God’s speed.  
Larry

Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.– 9/11/2010 9:52:05 PM: post edited by paul315.

[p]

Hi Bettie
Is there any way the contract can be cancelled.. can you say that you thought it was a different price and wont be able to go through with it?  dont ever say you wish you had not been born, you are a wonderful person Bettie, you give so many people here support, you really helped me yesterday on chat.. I would get some advice too, you shouldn’t be paying all that if it wasnt stated at the start.. i hope your day gets better Bettie and i hope to see you on chat later
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi p,
It a little more complicated than that . He will let her out of the contract but the time and money that has already been spent and just finding some place else that will take bad credit and two dogs…….
I am sure he would keep the security deposit.
My daughter said she would just go back to Georgia where she has friends. She would walk away from a decient job and into the unknown. She is having so much trouble with her back, I don’t know what she would do without insurance.
So many details, so distressing.
And a "friend" did this to me. It makes me ill!
There is no easy solution and I know your heart is in the right place. Thanks p!
bettie

[bettie]

Originally posted by bettie

Hi p,
It a little more complicated than that . He will let her out of the contract but the time and money that has already been spent and just finding some place else that will take bad credit and two dogs…….
I am sure he would keep the security deposit.
My daughter said she would just go back to Georgia where she has friends. She would walk away from a decient job and into the unknown,live like a street person. She is having so much trouble with her back, I don’t know what she would do without insurance.
So many details, so distressing.
And a "friend" did this to me. It makes me ill!
There is no easy solution and I know your heart is in the right place. Thanks p!
bettie
Got to add on here!
I missed you Vera and Larry!
You both bring up valid points. As far as enabling I do have a hand up in that area. She has a direct deposit into a joint account that we are both on. We will work a budget and I will take the necessary funds as soon as they hit. I made a big mistake doing business with this guy and if another option shows we will find a way to get her moved on i just don’t see it right now. She does NOT want me to help with the money but I know she won’t be able to buy food if i don’t and not to mention he is a client at my job, things i really didn’t put alot of thought into.He will be coming to my JOB to collect the rent if it’s not timely and I gave my word, which still means something to me, even if his is meaningless. For now, for my own sanity, I need this stuff to settle down. I am really on the edge, the stress is eating me alive.
As for the boyfriend, he is around because she is afraid to be alone, period! She won’t toss him out but wants him to get a job. If that happens he will have to take over his share, the part I will be paying. She’s almost 29. You couldn’t tell me much at that age.
The funny part is gambling is so far from my mind right now. My daughters safety and security is my priority and I know i need every penny to help her. If it hadn’t been for the mortgage break we would be in real trouble.

[sherry123]

Bettie, you sure have a lot to worry about.  Hopefully it will all work out.  Has she tried to get help from any State/County agencies?  If the house is big enough has she thought about getting another young lady to share the rent?  That would probably mean booting out the boyfriend.  My kids are 30 and 32 and I know that we never stop worrying or stop trying to help them.  My daughter and her husband own a beautiful new house and live very well but I am still paying for my daughter’s cell phone.  I think our generation does too much for our children and it probably isn’t helping them. 
Hope everything works out for you my dear. 
 
 If you want to know your past; look into your present conditions.If you want to know your future; look into your present actions.~Roy Mathews

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… So many details, so distressing. …
Dear Betty,
I really do feel for you; it is hard to see someone in pain, someone who is part of my life, even if only through a cyber network of friendship.
Stay strong. God’s speed
LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[p]

Hey Bettie
I hope things are starting to look up for you, I am hoping you will find some solution very quickly to all the things going on for you.. I am so happy you are not gambling through all this stress,  it would make it ten times worse.. hope to see you on chat soon, chin up
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

…. A man can tell a thousand lies, I’ve learned my lesson well…..
Madonna, Live to tell
 

[bettie]

Thanks for the concerns guys, Larry, I was not offended, our opinions are similar but dealing with your children is easier said than done. If I tell her what a creep he is it will just make her stay with him, thats how I married her dad, my parents hated him!
Jen cane over today and we worked out a budget. She wants me to "back her up", not help her pay unless she really can’t make it. The boyfriend feels the same. I am still snaching the paycheck.I asked her why it was ok for her to support him but not for me to help? I told her entrusting me to save money for her could be a problem with my CG. We may have to take a second look and involve a 3rd party.
He is promising to look for work, we will see.
The "landlord" came to remove a yellow jacket nest from the house wall. ( They are like wasps and can be dangerious).
The fool did it at noon with only gloves! I hope a few of the little ******s got him! (And you can imangine where!)
Ok, I know that wasn’t nice but I just had to say it!
off to bed and hopefully some sweet dreams!
peace
bettie

[vera]

"the sting from the dying wasp"!
Literally and figuratively!
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!
Youre daughter seems reasonable enough about the finances B!
Good that you see the danger..one "belly-up" and you wouldn’t even take the time to kiss it goodbye!
Get a third party involved, I say!
 

[p]

Hi Bettie hope you have a good day and that things are looking up for you and your family
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
You are all so sweet!
Got a call from my mom. my Aunt has taken a turn and it doesn’t look good. I have every intention of going back down south if she passes. Work can grant me up to 5 brevement days,I am expecting a hard time over it.
Wait and see. This Aunt was always a favorite of mine. She has fought cancer for 40 years ( she was found to have ovarain cancer way back then and was given 6 months to live, guess she showed them!) and fully recovered from a massave stroke about 4 years ago. If any one can pull through it would be her, but this is really bad.
My Mom is beside herself, it is her baby sister. I am now glad we drove 3 hours for a 10 minute visit when we were there.
The "landlord" dared to show his face inside the bank today. I treated him like just another customer, was pleasent, and proceded to strutt my stuff right past him , let him see just what he had and lost.
revenge, a dish best served cold! lol!
peace
bettie
 

[howanan]

Hi Bettie,  I am often amazed at how much is going on in our lives that we didn’t realize when we were actively gambling.  Whenever I would get stressed I would sit in front of a machine.  Then I would be uspet with myself for months for gambling.  I guess that is why that now that the gambing is no longer a big part of our lives, we can see all the other stuff around us.  I thought that stopping gambling would make my life all better, but of course life goes on with the same ole problems.   But it is easier to face them head on now and not run away.  Sounds like that is what you are doing.  Great job with the renter……….Have a good day…Nancy

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well an interesting day I must say. Moneys tight ( who’s isn’t?) and the daughter calls, "Mom, pick me up from the train, I won $40 on a scratch off and want  to take you to dinner."
I guess it continues. We went to dinner, I paid for my own on principal. I asked her if this offset all the losing tickets that gathered up. She didn’t get the humor but I got an "Oh Mommy, it’s not like that! " ( I’m "mommy" when she’s in trouble, some things don’t change.")
Don’t know whats next.
bettie

[howanan]

Bettie,   At least she told you about it (I wonder if she would have told you if she lost) and she didn’t spend it on more (I wonder how much she spent to win that though)….   She knows you know and that is important.  You have left the line of communication open for her.  She must know what you have and are going through because of gambling.  Hope she wakes up soon before she becomes a CG…Nancy

[bettie]

" Take it, take another little piece of my heart now baby….."
Janis Joplin
Just in a mood…
bettie

[cully21]

Hello my Darling Bettie:
I am sorry that you are having some rough times right now. We are all her for you. I hear you with that song. You know me and songs. I can’t sing a note if my life depended on it. That is why I loved my brief stint as a DJ playing music.
That is a very good song. There is another version that was covered by Sammy Hagar in the 80s. I love the guitar rifts in this version.
Here is a link you can listen to on youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlvcUgFCsSw
I always liked this version too. I don’t know if it will cheer you up or if you will like it. I love the guitar and I always liked Hagar. I still have the album sleeve that this song was sung on. I have no idea where the record is.
You are doing so good Bettie. So much stronger than when I first met you. Hang in there. I have three kids myself that try my wits sometimes too.
God Bless,
Cully 21
"I used to follow. Yeah thats true. But my following days are over. Now I just got to follow through." Lou Graham– 17/09/2010 15:47:50: post edited by harry.

[female g]

Hi bettie hope you feel better and stronger too.  Be firm with your daughter and keep reminding her of the serious concequences that come from wasting money like that, you are right to do so G

[bettie]

Hey Cully,
Cool metal version of the song, however these days the Janice Joplin version "live" on utube suites me better. It was very sweet of you to go to the trouble of finding and posting it out there for the "young ones" to see.You’re one of the good guys Cully, not too many left out there. I’ve just got to get tough and stop listening to my soft heart and get it into my hard head that people take kindness for weakness, and just run with it! Thank you my friend.
Miss G,
Life is like a roller coaster these days, I know you understand. Thank you!
Thanks Nancy,
Having been such a young mother and being so close in age with my own child I didn’t really set those parient/child boundries. Hind sight is 20/20. But there are pluses too. We can talk like adults, even though she reverts to being a child when it suites her and is more hard headed than me and her dad combined, and that is really saying something!
To all those on the chats with me yesterday, I’m ok, much better with a good nights sleep. I have to see the "landlord" to give him the rest of the "blood money" he stole from us. He called yesterday and really set me off. I let it ring, and cryied my eyes out as the ringer stopped, hence the grief on the chats. Like the regular "gambling days" Thurdsays were "our day" that we got together. Now it’s just another day that I am alone with nothing to look foward to. Well, thats of my own making, something i can, make that must change!
Hope to see u all on the chat this weekend!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

So I saw "the landlord" today. He called me to ask me to step out and he was too busy to come in the bank. "I won’t have a receipt for you." That OK, i tell him, I already wrote one up. I step out when he rings back. " I really need the cash to pay for something for my daughter."
I handed him a pen and the reciept."Oh, you don’t trust me anymore." That’s right, I tell him. I don’t.
He gives me the leering look, "You sure look good today but I’m too tired." I couldn’t say a word, I’m two feet from the door of my job with customers coming in and out. "Why didn’t you answer when I called?" I was busy,nowI have to get back to work.
Why did’t I tell him his company wasn’t worth $5000?
Weak, well next time maybe.
peace
bettie

[kin]

Dear Bettie,
This is for your pleasure viewing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWEp5XAxuKs&feature=related
Best regards
Kin

[bettie]

Hi Kin,
Thank you for your concern about me. I’ve hit a rough patch and I know as bad as it is it could be much worse, so I am thankful.
I hope you didn’t take my chat with you the wrong way. Recovery is a wonderful thing. I disagree when the therapist harp on what is "wrong" with your thinking. If you are arrogant, you will always be that way. The key is knowing it, being aware, making corrections. It OK to be flawed, we are HUMAN, we have extra issues as CG"s.
Don’t beat your self up over someone else’s opinion of perfection. The only opinion that really counts is your own.
Work toward being happy with yourself and the rest will fall into place.
Now, if I could only take my own advice!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

it’s lonely on the chat with no one else!!

[vera]

went looking for you B….youre gone!

[bettie]

I fell asleep! Such a wild woman @ 4:30 pm on a Saturday!
Hope everyone is doing well. I have been having urges today! I think it’s the resentment of having to give that B*st*rd my $$. I might just as well have thrown it in a machine as to give it to him!
Guess that is some CG thinking there. Need to dress and get out of this place and do something, anything! Rainy, gloomy day here today. The gambling is just a fleeting thought, lets hope it stays that way!
As a matter of fact, I’ll plan to do something NOW so it gets out of my head. Need to grocery shop, maybe go to the thrift, not too much trouble there. Could clean but did alot of that Thursday.
Bonus, my "cute behind" jeans are no longer snugg in the Budda belly. I can wear them in comfort. That hasn’t happened in a while, but what a way to do it!
peace
bettie

[sherry123]

Is the ‘landlord’ also your ex-boyfriend?  If so, you got the nudge you needed to keep him out of your private/personal life forever. 
At least you are feeling good about yourself and the way your jeans are feeling…so big positive there!  Hope you enjoyed your shopping and stayed busy.  It’s raining here too.If you want to know your past; look into your present conditions.If you want to know your future; look into your present actions.~Roy Mathews

[bettie]

Hi Guys
Sherry, thanks for posting. Former "friend" is most likely the best description here.
Made it through yesterday, bought a beautiful suit for 10 bucks.
Gonna eat and then join the chat.
peace
bettie
p s Cathie, I will call as you suggested, no worries!– 9/21/2010 2:43:02 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Decited to be positive today. I am positive that I need to do something about my depression/mood swings. I am positive I am sick of being parinoid. I am positive I am tired of worring about things that are out of my control. I am positive I am tired of thinking "cutting" seems like a good idea to release the pain.I am positive no one can love me, until I can love myself.
So much for that, had to get it off my chest.
peace
bettie
ps
What causes a hardwood floor , thats not gotten wet, to look like a mole hill under the carpet?? I almost tripped on it Sunday. Brother says he can fix it but that will involve pulling the carpet away from the wall .

[غير معروف]

Did you make that call B?
Keeping an eye like I said I would
Cathie x

[bettie]

Hi guys,
At the suggestion of cooler heads than mine ( thanks cathie!) I called my dr to make an appointment. They told me they couldn’t get me in until January! I told the recptionist that I wanted a mental health referral, not that i needed it for insurance, just that I wanted to get his opinion. She asked for my cell number. They called back in less than an hour, "Dr wants to see you, how is Tuesday?"
So appointment is made. Now I just have to fess up to whats going on. He doesn’t know about the CG, I canceled my last two appointments, in hindsight, to avoid this converstation.
Since I don’t go to the casino I have no where to escape to so the time is right to face these demons head first, instead of just banging my head against a wall. I’ve cried until I had no tears left. I hurt until I self medicate, to make my head shut up long enough so I can sleep. I put on a happy face, try to be every thing for everyone, and I’m dying inside.
The "landlord" called today. I was in fairly good spirits until that call. Making small talk. Feeling me out. Waiting for an invitation to my place.
Not this time. Never again.
I am getting past the anger. I have to because it eats me up, but I will never forgive whats he’s done. I wish I could just stay angry but I’m grieving the loss of the friendship, the closeness, and the fact we will never be together again ( we did have some amazing times together and he was the one who got me started loosing weight, and cared about me when I felt no one did) but I have to maintain a professional "front", 1 for my job, 2 for my daughter. I don’t want him to direct his anger at me with her.
She loves that stupid house! lol!
bettie

[jennie123]

Hi Bettie,
Nice to meet you today in the chat.  Thanks for your kind words & advice.  Be strong…for yourself and your daughter! 🙂

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Still here, reading, typing away. Read on someones post that life is beautful, really. Decited to try to find some beauty tomorrow because all I see right now is darkness and gloom, and I am tired of being a part of it.
Gonna leave the home phone unpluged tomorrow. Gonna not answer my cell if "certain" people call.
Gonna go look at trees, parks, take a walk, look at the creek that runs past my place. If the beauty won’t find me i’m just gonna have to go find it for myself.
peace
bettie

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
you’ve been carrying a load for a long time.  I hope the appointment with doc helps to take a bit of the load off.  We chip and chissel away the crap and the load lightens.  Beauty, look at your soul B, a mom who would protect her daughter like a tigress, someone who cares about the little guy, a sense of humour that brings smiles.  
Be very gentle with yourself please.  Wish I was there to offer a shoulder or some moral support.  Don’t isolate yourself Bettie.  See you in chat soon I hope.
hugsssssssssssssss
Laura

[jennie123]

I loved your line about going to find beauty 🙂  Tell us about your day and what you did!  Hope you left your phone at home!

[female g]

hi Bettie hope you are in a better head space and if not hope you can carry on without too much to handle right now.  hope we can catch up soon.G

[bettie]

Hi guys!
Oh, the day i take a walk it has to get to 90f outside! Short walk by the creek, trees changing already, duck swiming along. So peaceful and quite beautiful!
Went to daughters place, walked the grand dogs, mopped floors and cleaned the bathroon. She’s havings her house warming/birthday party Sunday! Golden birthday for my girl this year, 29 on the 29th. I don’t mind her getting older d*mn it, but she’s taking me right along with her! lol!
I had many thoughts in my head today. I feel like i’ve had my back up aganist the wall lately, but thank God for the wall, it’s the only thing that kept me from falling down!
Laura, your post was so sweet! Thank you for reminding me that i’m still in there some where, under all the rubbish, that confident girl i used to know who took no cr*p from anyone!
Jennie, it was beautiful, and refreshing! Keep posting!
G, i know a little of your story. I hope to find the strength that u have!
To all my GT friends, I THANK YOU for being my wall!
peace
bettie

[female g]

we have daughters the same age Bettie now you know a little more of my story.  And yes things are good for me these days but the days are also filled with alot of hard work and concentration to keep me from gambling.   I look to all of the people here to keep me from slipping but I know in the end its me who stops me from going. Hope we can both be successful.G

[bettie]

Hi guys!
What an odd day! I did a loan for my ex and his wife. They came near closing time so they waited for Jen to get off work. We all met up at a little restruant in town for supper. So here sits me, my daughter, my ex, his wife and my mother! What a funny little group. I asked him if he felt like a polyigimist! LOL!
I’m tired, no one on the chat! Well, I’ll stick around for a bit and check in in the morning.
Have a good evening/day. Hope to see u all soon!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Special note to Larry. Thanks for the long chat . Hopefull I helped u as much as u helped me tonight. Sometimes i find more resolve to do the things i need to do by puting it in words. The Dr appointment is aproaching fast and I really don’t want to go, the crisis has past. But, the fact remains, the root causes of my issues are not resolved. Does the next crisis push me over the edge? The answer is maybe. I’m no longer a gambler, so why chance it?
Thank you, cyber-buddy!
bettie

[sherry123]

Not a lot of couples (or ex-couples) can enjoy a dinner together with their current spouse too.  Glad you are all mature enough to make the most of it all. You’re daughter is a lucky girl.  Hope the dinner was as good as the company.
 If you want to know your past; look into your present conditions.If you want to know your future; look into your present actions.~Roy Mathews

[finding_laura]

hey Bettie,
we’ve been missing each other this weekend chat.  Glad to hear your feeling better.  I am happy to be a small part of your wall 🙂  Hope you are enjoying your weekend.  Not much new for me,  had to devote some of my precious computer time to car shopping.  But am hoping to get back to a routine soon!  Enjoy the party today!  Happy Birthday to your girl. Take care Bettie.
Laura

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

Hi Guys,
Special note to Larry. Thanks for the long chat . Hopefull I helped u as much as u helped me tonight. …
Thank you, cyber-buddy!
bettie

Good morning Betty,
I am here, so you helped.  Thank you.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

"He" called me today when I was due to get off work. He was drunk. He wanted me to join him at his cottage. "You must think i’m an *ss now, ( I do ) after whats happened, I feel so bad, I couldn’t tell "her" what I had told you about the rent.( the on again and off again wife ).
My girl friend always says a drunk mouth speaks the truth. I haven’t lost my mind after all. He could have saved me so much angush had he been upfront about this before duping my unsuspecting daughter into signing the lease.
I am crushed, my heart hurts. He thinks I’ll just run to him now.( He hasn’t met the new bettie yet!) Gonna go cry myself to sleep, and put this behind me. I am so grateful I’m not gambling!

[meursault]

Hi Bettie
just wanted to say hello
The new Bettie i like
Meursault
x

[غير معروف]

Thinking of you B,
Hope to catch up at group this week
Cathie x

[finding_laura]

dito and dito B.  Thinking of you.  I like the new Bettie, or maybe its the genuine Bettie.  Actually, I’ll take which ever Bettie shows up to the party.  Stick to your guns Bettie, you’re awesome.
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys, just a quick note before work.
I was so upset after that call I had to get it out gefore I could rest. Maybe I need to change my thread to "Finding Bettie?"
The party Sunday as a blast but left me exausted! She must have had 30 people over. I got there early thank goodness, as she had NOTHING ready. Her Step-mom, Dad and brother got there early. Stepmom helped me finish putting out veggie trays, my homemade salsa, chips, etc.
Once we got done I tried to play hostess and keep things moving with rangling the kids and the dogs. All in all I drank a lot of beer and had a lot of fun.
Got to jump in the shower and run. Dr appt today @ 11am so i will leave work for a couple hours and go. We’ll see what happens there. I expect "him" to show up at my job today. He usually comes in at the time I will be gone to the dr so I should miss him. I believe he was crying in his beer after the i gave him the cold shoulder. I so wish I wasn’t at work, maybe I could have gotten out the words i need to say. I hate to be chicken but I don’t trust myself to tell him in person. If he got mad and walked away that would be one thing. If he got violent, and I know he is capable of it, I don’t know what I would do. If he looked like a wounded puppy. I would get weak. Isn’t it funny, I still don’t want to hurt his feeling, even after all this cr*p!
Hope to be on the chat tonight ( for me ).
Thanks for the sweet replies. You guys are the best!
peace
bettie

[vera]

That guy has a CHEEK B!
What does he take you for?
Some doll to lick his wounds when his wife rejects him?
Rise above it B! You deserve better than that lout!
Hope the appointment with your doctor went well..

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well the appointment went pretty well. doc said he is seeing lots of cg’s these days. He thinks the weight loss may have contributed to the exceleration of my cg. ( from comulsive eating to compulsive gambling ) He recomended a therapist and a psychiatrist, as be believes i could be occ or other underlying disorders. He told me about his "professional "poker players. Overweight, high blood pressure, drinkers, smokers. I said Thanks Doc, yet another club for me to join! lol! Oh well, whatever, just help me put my head on straight and i’ll be fine.
Now i have to make another appointment call, but I promise I will do it by Thursday,I won’t post what I won’t do.
peace
bettie
 p s on the appointment. Dr agreed that there is not alot of info out there about cg’s I told him about this site, his first question "What do they charge? How do they stay in business?" I explained how it worked and he was suprised. I also tried to enlighten him with other sites so he could pass that info to other patients. Don’t want to sound like an ad but we can donate to gt, something I had not thought about either. This site is too valuable to loose.– 9/29/2010 12:19:51 PM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Had a casino "flashback" when I walked into the bathroom at work of all places! ( We have the same kind of paper dispencer as the casino) Somehow I pictured myself in the bathroom there, in a hurry to get back to "my" machine. I have a desire to go to "my" casino and "my" machine, a place and a thing that no longer exist for me. My daughter bought a scratch off ticket in front of me yesterday and asked if it bothered me. I told her yes, mainly out of my concern that she may have a tendency toward this compulsive behaviour. Oh Mom, I only buy one a week, like to do them on the train to work to kill time. ( she likes those bingo tickets, takes a long time to play, the same kind I bought her when she was in the hospital 16 years ago). She mentioned that she misses our Vegas trips and is mad that we can’t go anymore.
Been in a mood today. The feelings running hot and cold. I pray "he" doesn’t call tomorrow.  I have a lot to keep me busy, and out of trouble. I have to see him friday, rent day, so that can’t be avoided.
Wish my heart could catch up with my head, I feel bad and wish someone was around to talk to about it so here I am, posting.
Linda Ronstadt did this song. I long for the day this feeling goes away. 
Shattered

written by Jimmy Webb
© 1981 White Oak Songs (ASCAP)

Shattered
Like a windowpane
Broken by a storm
Each tiny piece of me lies alone

And scattered
Far beyond repair
All my shiny dreams
Just lying there

I’m broken but I’m laughing
It’s the sound of falling glass
I hope that you won’t mind if I should cry in public
While I wait for this to pass

Cause sweet darling I’m shattered
Into fragments cold and gray
Sweep the pieces all away
Then no one will ever know how much it mattered
Something deep inside of me
Shattered
 — 9/30/2010 1:50:21 AM: post edited by bettie.

[female g]

keep at it Bettie you are doing great.!!! stay strong and don’t give in ok.  You deserve so much more.  Hope the doc can be helpful too. G

[bettie]

Thanks G,
Woke up early on my off day, yet again! Had a casino dream, suprise! I was going into the casino and a friend of mine from GT was calling me on my cell phone and I saw their name on the screen, I hit the ignore button, I didn’t want them to hear the bells ringing in the casino.They called right back and i tried to pick up but they left a message, "Where are you? What are you doing? I was with my ex gambling buddy, looking for the buffet but almost walked into a theater but got kicked out because I didn’t have a ticket. We headed back to a hotel room. We layed around and the gt friend was back on the phone. I still ignored the call.I told my friend maybe we should skip the casino and just go home.
I was sucessful, I didn’t gamble. Maybe something to be said for that.
peace
bettie
Then I woke up.

[غير معروف]

you are doing so well B and you went to see your Doc, good on ya
Cathie x

[bettie]

MY life is frightening. "He" called, I canceled my plans, and let him come over. We had a heart to heart. He is afraid I am sucidal and made me promise not to do anything to myself. Every time I tried to tell him something I got choked up, he said I don’t want to see you cry. He said he’s thought about chucking it all to be with me. I told him if he could leave it all without causting him a cent he would be gone, but he wouldn’t want me.
He doesn’t want to see me cry, He should see me now…..

[kathryn]

Bettie,
I dont know what to say except that im thinking of you, please please take care of yourself and remember how important you are to so many.
Kathryn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hey,
I’m still here. Head is pounding, thats what you get for drinking your supper. Nothing like being told how screwed up you are when you already know how screwed up you are.He had the nerve to bring up my CG as his example, he’s one of the 5 or 6 people that know.
Well at least that’s behind me now. He knows where his place is, and it’s not with me.
Please don’t worry, I’m not feeling drastic just sad.
Got a long day ahead. Hope to catch you all on the chat!
peace
bettie

[female g]

You know what needs to be done you are a smart woman and can figure it all out. Listen to your intellengent brain and not your heart on this one ok G

[bettie]

Hey Guys,
Still hanging in, hanging on. I feel loads better. Tx for  the chat Rg, Kin Kathryn. So good to see you all. Cathie, i haven’t tried to make the appointment, yet again, but I will, just too busy at work today. I am exausted and look foward to a good nights sleep. Didn’t sleep too good yesterday, drinking disturbs my sleep and I got carried away with myself.
I want to escape, this being "all grown stuff" is for the birds! But i will work it all out, and be better for it.
Thanks again!
peace
bettie

[kathryn]

Hey girl,
So so sorry i got disconnected, my internet went down when i answered the phone (grrrr) then i had a visit from my brother, he just left.  Thank god for the kids, its a little awkward between us, they make a good buffer.
Anyway, hope to catch you later, glad you are feeling a little better and loved the chat this morning, it was fantastic and a great way to start my day.
Take care, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Urges, hit me right in the face today. I almost headed to the expressway instead I came home and started binge eating! Weather turned bad and my plans fell through. I need to call someone. I was on the chat here and sf and no one’s there.
Making "bargins" with myself.Trying to stay put!

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
sorry I have missed you.  Life has been crazy busy  taking care of responsiblities and my health.  It takes so much out of me when something like that accident happened.  But figuring another week or two now and things will hopefully settle down. 
Since I began my recovery  I have become more rock like.  I am now the rock when it comes to my standards and my boundaries.  Others can be the stream that moves around the rock.  For once I am going to live life for ME!  I wish your broken heart a speedy mending.  Hugsssss Bettie, takes a brave woman to face the challenges.
Laura

[ej]

Bette..hi  ran into my sister and she said she had a dream about me..she said she saw me walking out of a casino looking very sad..laughed but funny how life is was thinking stinky thinking lately hey should get back on line poker..just that I was bored and stressed with daughter drinking disappointment..the two headed dragon you know where we or I start bargaining or just stuck in my grieving phase when does it stop and life gets better just wanted to share aah feel it poor me but look at the posivitives didnot gamble today and it was a beautiful fall day of golfing and thank God I am alive wish u serenity..Eric

[bettie]

Ok , past  the bewitching hour, what the heck is wrong with me?? Barriers are so helpful but finding Dan on the chat was even better, Timing is everything! Tx Dan, RG, Kath, Vera… what would I do without U all??
Gamble I guess.
Roller coaster ride, I’m feeling good then I’m feeling bad. But I’m ok.
Girlfriend finally answered the phone. We were suppost to get together but she was afraid to call me, said she was tempted to ask me to go gamble with her. Glad she thought twice as I would have borrowed money from her and went.
She has promised not to ask me to go and I am the one who brought it up so she has kept her end of the deal, and I am grateful.
thanks guys,
peace
bettie
 

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie to paul315

… I will stay out of the f&f forum …
 
Good evening Betty,
Thanks for your post in my topic. I have responded to most of it there, but will also reply to some here and be a critic to the part of your post about visiting the F&F forum.  If there is ever any reason for you to stay away from the F&F forum let the moderators of GT or the F&F members be the deciding factor. Crossover post, for lack of a better term, are found in each forum and give only reason for thought and sometimes discussion; maybe even confusion, but not the uproar that you feel.  After all we are all human with individual perceptions and interpretations and an interchange of these ideas helps us grow go forward.
As for your apology to me, none is needed, I have never read anything it the post here that caused me distress; on the contrary, the post here have helped me overcome the distress caused by my compulsive gambling.
Continue on with your sharing and your recovery, your post show that you are growing and that your efforts are paying off. Even if you journey seams like a roller coaster ride, the climb will keep you alert of what is coming at the crest, and the drop will keep your adrenaline flowing for the nest climb; at the end you will find a level platform for you to get off and go on with your life.
God’s speed. Stay strong.    
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Good Morning!
Well, i was a marathon chatter yesterday and I thank you all for putting up with me. Ej, I don’t know that we have chatted much before or maybe it’s been a while. Thanks for giving me a lift!
Larry, when I consider someone a friend I tend to mother/smother them! If I worry about someone else it takes my mind off my troubles, so I hope you don’t mind it if i pick on you if my sixth sense kicks up, as unrealiable as it is!
Thanks for starting my day with a wonderful chat!
Rg, I’m glad I have run into you so much, I enjoy our chats so much. Look foward and prepare, not back and regret.
Laura,Vera,Kathryn, wise women that you are, nothing much to say right off hand, you guys are always right on the money, and i love chatting with you all.
I know I’ve missed some of you, I’m half asleep as I didn’t sleep well. trying not to take a pill as they keep me sleepy too long.
gonna sign off soon, work out, yea i said WORK OUT! Maybe take a walk.
Fall colors are starting and I should be camping next weekend, looking foward to something is good!
peace
bettie– 10/3/2010 2:09:13 PM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Trying to get in the chat but having trouble. Busy day! Did workout, yea! My brother called and asked me over for lunch. He made me wash my car, inside and out! He also had yard work and errands for me to do. Nice lunch but what a price, lol!
I can’t wait for the campout, haven’t done it in so long and used to go all the time when my nieces ( now 17 and 14 ) were little. I have such a good brother. I am fortunate there. We were never close until his wife left him 12 years ago. He is 7 years older and was always much closer to my sister. They are 2 years apart. I was always close with my brother who passed, a void that will never be filled.
So glad the urges have calmed down. I had the perfect excuse to go gamble, at least in my CG mind, and it didn’t beat me this time. I made a physical choice to go here (the site) instead of there, fighting the mental fight/flight thing that was going on in my head. Today I made a good choice. Today I chose not to gamble.
Thanks to you all for holding my hand and supporting me here, when I needed you most!
peace
bettie

[female g]

Well done Bettie glad you were able to spend the time here chatting with all your supporters.  You are doing everything right and reeping the reward of life without gambling.  Even the workout fantastic.  I decided to test the waters and went but not all bad really. It helped me realize after 6 months that this is not what i want in my life after all.  I had told Bill he had to follow through on a commitment he made to me about the occasional visit I expected if I stopped gambling regularly.  Now that that is none with I feel I can move on and put that idea out of my head for good. Back to my recovery G 

[bettie]

Went with my daughter for a little while last night to go visit my mom. We stopped off at a gas station which was a little out of the way and got turned around. Of all things I look up and a d*mn it, I’m on the road to the casino! Just looked up, saw the sign. I wonder if my mind made me wander that way. Daughter mentioned she had never been to that one. I told her good, I never walked out with a cent when ever I left there, and I would not recommend it.
Cool today. I only have a 3 day work week then I’m OFF until Tuesday! YEA!
Have a wonderful day!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I called to make the appointment with the therapist and guess what? The two "addiction" specialist are male. I agreed to let one contact me but i had a really bad experance with a male therapist about 15 years ago and the thought of seeing a male is freaking me out! Why does this have to be so d*mm hard??
My CG friend came in the bank to cover his morgage payment. Wanted to know if I’ve been "to the boat". I proudly told him no, and i haven’t been in months, which i can say now. I told him their was help out there for this kind of thing.
He asked if he could stop by sometime, I told him yes, just call first. Am I that desperate that I will allow myself to become involved with him?  I don’t think so. We have been out a few times and now i only hear from him when he needs something. I have had enough of those kind of "relationships", I think I’ll pass.
Cousin just emailed me and she got a great deal on tickets to The House of Blue’s to see The B 52’s! Hey, something else to look foward to! Thursday night, "Love Shack, baby , yea!"
gonna work out then hopefully catch up on some threads
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[ej]

Hey Bettie could feel your positive energy…what do they say when you are bubbling share it..thank you for ur postand you help me out also. Sorry to hear about your past experience with the therapist…another test…and takes awhile to find gamble free friends unless u go online dating haha….envy you for going to hear some blues ..here I am in a small town of 1200 and only entertainment is at the bar and don’t drink plus seeing people plastered kinda bores me but been invited to a haloween party..trying to figure out what to wear..maybe I’ll go as a gambler haha…wish you 24 and be strong..Peace  Eric

[bettie]

I’ve been online dating, got lots of hits until I posted my picture! lol!
Guess the guys thought the gals would look like the 20 year olds ( who don’t need help ) that they show in the ads!
 

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….
Looking for the Wisdom
Betty, in your search for wisdom look into the different programs of this site. They may not be new to you, but even so looking at what they offer may give you some new ideas. http://www.dhs.state.il.us/page.aspx?item=30327
Larry
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

So the therapy is on hold. The medical group recommended to me is not part of my insurance network and I would have to pay $54 each session, that’s not even possible. If I find a group in the network my co pay is still $30 each visit. I am stuck in the middle. I have group insurance, which I pay about $1500 a year for. Then i have to pay a co payment for all tests and Rx. I have already spent $1100 this year for rx alone!  make too much for assistance yet can’t afford to seek treatment because I can’t pay co pays! Makes no sense!
I do have another option. They have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) that will give you a few sessions then refer you to someone in the network. That doesn’t change the co pay situtation but it’s a start. I was dissapointed the last time I tried to call the assistance line I got someone I couldn’t understand! I have to be positive. I need some help, I have to get some, I have to help me help myself.
One more day of work then I’m off till tuesday! Yea!! Do the Happy Dance!!!
peace
bettie
 

[kathryn]

Hey Bettie,
Sorry you are having so much trouble finding some extra support. I watched a documentary on the American health system and i was shocked.  I was amazed what was and wasnt covered.  Our system is slow, you go on a waiting list and depending on the ailment it can be up to a 2 year wait…but…if it is anything urgent, you are in straight away.  Most lists are approx 3 months, but there are many free services here.  
Do whatever it takes to help yourself, you are doing so well.  I hope you enjoy your trip, you deserve a bit of me time, i hope it is full of love and laughter.
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
larry again, thanks!
Kathryn, you are always so thoughtful!
I got the check I was waiting for, paid some bills straight away. Tonight would have been the only night I could have possibly "slipped out" and gambled, yes, I thought about it, but I didn’t.
Got some news from a friend that made me really sad today. I somehow feel like I let them down, even tho they insist i didn’t. My words can be harsh, my meaning taken the wrong way. All i want to do is help, yet some how I really turn people off. I feel quite worthless, and unlovable.
This too shall pass, I guess
bettie

[female g]

we all can make the wrong call around friends and family but the ones that really matter will find it in their hearts to forgive you. After all aren’t we all abit flawed.  I have toned it down over the years but i really used to just put it out there without thinking or caring who’s feelings i hurt but I have learnt that I must think first and that is often eneough for me to just shut up and keep my opinions to myself.  There is alot of truth in the idea of stop think and listen.  Anyway you didn’t give in to gambling so here’s to you girlfriend!!!!

[bettie]

Hi G, Hi Guys,
XXX cancel, cancel!
I can not control what others think. I can not keep beating myself up for my sins, real or imagined.
Yes, I do need to think before I speak, I have a sharp synical mind and things just pop out of my mouth, thanks for the reminder G, you are right.
I saw my sister today and went to lunch. I told her about the landlord, the $$, the daughter’s drug issue, everything. I think she was glad I told her however I wish I had not, as I know she has enough on her plate with her own life right now. Well, at least the truth is out there and I know I have a place to go and a person to talk to when things have me down. She loves me, I forget that sometimes, when I have so much pity for myself and forget to be thankful for all the good things that have happened to me this year. It’s been rough but it’s been worse, so stop complaining bettie!!
Cousin called, looking foward to the show tonight, hangover is almost gone too! I drank like a fool last night, drowning my sorrows, dummy! I realized when i looked at my email that I tried to download an online casino last night! They sent me a welcome letter. I deleated it, and i went into my programs and deleated the casino too. If I start that cr*p, online gambling, I am cooked!
I refuse to let that happen. I choose not to go there.
peace
bettie
 
 

[jennie123]

Bettie!!!!!! I’m back!!  Be strong!!!!! 
I understand how hard it can be to find help.  It’s ironic that it costs so much to get help for an addiction that takes your money away–catch 22.  You don’t have money to get help because you gamble but you gamble perhaps because you can’t get help.
I found that it’s really important to get a good therapist.  I went to a therapist with my ex-fiance (yes, I will say ex!) for months and it did us no good.  It was cheap because it was "in network" and we paid $20 per session but at the end of the day nothing changed.  I’m seeing a great therapist now and she doesn’t take insurance.  She came highly recommended and charges $150 a session.  How NUTS is that?  Whatever the cost may be…my friend said to me…"what’s the value in your life and happiness?  You may pay a price in the short term….what are you willing to pay for a lifetime of happiness?"  I couldn’t argue with that…although I definitely cannot afford her, once she heard my story, she was wililng to negotiate her rate (not much though!).  So my advice would be to try to find someone that is recommended through a website or friend.  It makes a difference.  Also, don’t be afraid to stop seeing someone if you don’t feel like it’s working. 
Keep us updated!
P.S.  I went to the grocery store the other day and walked by the section with flowers.  It smelled SO wonderful and I smiled…then I thought of you and your comment about "going to find beauty"….

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Wow, the concert was fun but I am much to old for a venue with no seating, lol! We stood for 4 hours, my legs hurt! There were RUDE people dancing during the concert , pushing, shoving, and drunk as XXXX! Oh well I didn’t let them ruin my fun. I go downtown about 2 times a year so thats it for this year, lol! The traffic was awful on the way there but I had forgotten how beautiful the city is at night. It truely is a wonderful city, I’ve lived here my whole life, and am just discovering the place.
My cousin called before I left to meet her. She was telling me about an antique table cloth she bought for me, it is red and white, like my kitchen and is casino themed! Ok, she doesn’t know I am cg but come on, do I really need that? I looked around my kitchen. I have an Old School Vegas plate on the wall, I have mugs from various casinos, and the d*mn ash tray I am using was stolen years ago from the Golden Nugget! I have 2 different cigrette lighters, one poker and one a slot machine ( gifts from my cousin) and a wallet with women playing poker. I am SUROUNDED with gambling stuff and didn’t even realize it!  Time to clean house!
When we were in the elevator at the parking gararge we weren’t sure which was the exit floor. I told her it was #2, as it had a star by the button, like a hotel. She pipes up, Oh, you mean like the casino, and proceeds to tell her friend how I went quite often and how "lucky" I was when I went. I had to stop her, she wanted to bring up that jackpot I "won" ( then gave back , plus many thousands more!). I told her, I don’t gamble anymore XXXX, it doesn’t pay. Really? she says, Yes I tell her, stick a fork in me,I am done!
see u in the morning,
bettie
 

[bettie]

P.S.  I went to the grocery store the other day and walked by the section with flowers.  It smelled SO wonderful and I smiled…then I thought of you and your comment about "going to find beauty"….
Jennie, u are so sweet to think of me, your kindness reminds me of my own Jen, there must be something in the name..

[finding_laura]

Hey miss Bettie B
Sounds good to me!  Stick a fork in me I’m done!  I think I am coming up to the dreaded 1 year urge.  I have had the odd little thought lately.  Like oh, I could go play a few dollars now, I’ve gotten out of the cycle.  WRONG I say to myself. Once a CG always a CG.  Would only be a matter of a how long it would take to be hooked back into the cycle. A day, a week, a month.  And for what, misery!   I got such a kick out of your kitchen decor!  I think you are right, time for a little change in the decorating.  Sounds like you are really ready for change in your life Bettie.  There may be times where you wonder if you will make it through, but I know that you are one determined lady when you set your mind to something.  You can do it B.  Glad you enjoyed the concert.  Enjoy your holidays.  I work today and then I’m off til Wednesday.  So hopefully will catch you for coffee.
take care,
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just talked to my sister, i have to pick up my niece for the campout. She said I have a little goodie bag for you, don’t let anyone see it. I asked what for and she said I want you to feel better and stop blaming yourself for things you didn’t do, it’s driving me crazy that you think like that. I told her how I was sorry i was to worry her and she said she was so glad I told her, if i can’t tell her then who could her baby sister turn to?
I feel loved.
peace
bettie

[colin in brum]

Hi Bettie, well done on being honest with your sister.  It sounds like that will help.  I like your post about your kitchen, it pretty well sums up how gambling can take over things without us noticing.

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
I’m real curious about the goodie bag, but we all know what curiousity did to the cat!  Talk soon.
Laura

[bettie]

 
Hi Guys!
Oh, what a lovely time! There is something wonderful about waking up to a camp fire and the smell of coffee, eggs and bacon cooking on an open fire! Too bad they can’t bottle that!
The nights were clear and cool, the days warm and sunny. Kathryn, I think I saw your star looking down and winking at me!
I took a 5 mile bike ride, my b-hind id still sore! There were inclines along the way and some would be hard to climb. I saw a beautiful young girl, maybe 20, paralyzed from the waist down, wheeling her chair up one of the steeper hills, no backup, no helper, just brave determination that a little hill would not stop her from her destination, It shamed me a bit to see her, the hand that was dealt her, and her strength against the struggle, nothing was stopping her from being happy, independent, and free, making my problems seem small indeed.I fought the hill, I made it to the top, and there was a payoff, coasting back down with the cool breeze in my face and thrill of the ride, freefalling and carefree. It reminded me of what Larry posted to me about the roll coaster, there’s a payoff for the struggle, just another reminder of how blessed I am!
I spent a lot of time looking at the campfire, thinking of my GT friends,( my head being clear for the first time in a long time) and the things I have learned from posting and chatting here.
We listened to some old school country music, walked by the river, watched the geese taking a break from their trek south for the winter. Took in the beauty of nature, the trees just starting to turn their lovely yellows, oranges and reds of Fall.( Hi Jennie!)
Had a few long talks with my mom. She was telling me that all that’s wrong with her is all her fault. I told her that was really funny, since all that’s wrong with me was her fault too! LOL! She laughed, said well one of her kids had to turn out like her so it might just as well be me!
I tried to advise her on how to be happier, she complains constantly about everything, and told her I wanted to hear about something she DID like, and then we could do some of those things.
Don’t want to think about work tomorrow, L , so I am still on vacation today, tomorrow will just have to take care of it’s self!
Peace
Bettie
ps Laura, the goodie bag was really good! Mascara, nail polish, eyeshadow, blush, powder, a makeover is a bag! Such a sweet sister I have!– 10/11/2010 10:39:02 PM: post edited by bettie.

[female g]

I loved your post amd felt I was along for the hike. you describe the day so well and in such great detail that I could see myself enjoying the ride down and the sense of feedom it gives you. what fun, It sounds like the best weekend too.  Hope you can help teach your Mom new ways too so that the years remaining can be joyful and she can be content in the world that surounds here.  I too have had a busy but very family oriented Thanksgiving weekend.  IT was a house full of family and friends 3 days in a row so I just want to be thankful in the moment and know all is good in my and your world this weekend.  That crazy life is behind us now and what a future awaits us for all to see.  The one thing that was really great too was a friend commented on how happy I look and that was nice He knew nothing of the gambling but said he felt a peaceful presence around me and that makes me see that the progress is actually starting to become more evident in the physical sence. Interesting don’t you think.G

[vera]

Wow!
You’re waxing lyrical Bettie!
Sounds wonderful and such word imagery!
Every time you feel like gambling ( or indulging other base urges), think of that 20year old pushing herself up the hill.
An inspiration for sure!
You deserved that weekend B!
No tab to pick up this time!

[kimc2010]

Hi Bettie – thank you for your note on my journal.  It is a small world – I am in Dayton, OH.  Wow I can’t believe you were going to the casino that often – I didn’t do that but when I did go once or twice a month it would be like I didn’t want to quit.  Hitting rock bottom this past week and withdrawing my bill money was just my awakening of what I was doing to myself.  Unfortunately – my stress and nightmare right now is I don’t have the money for this month now to pay the rent, electric and cable – of which is my life line since it is not easy for me to get out. I don’t know where to begin to recover or what to do. I don’t have credit cards or anything like that – just my monthly living expenses and last month I was stupid and took out a few payday loans. Those will be my big problem to get paid off once I can get back on track with my regular bills which are now a month behind considering it is already October. The cable/internet I need too as they are my lifeline being alone. I sleep alot under normal conditions, kind of sleepless this past weekend though.  The days I do feel good were the days I would go to the casino.
I’ve read a little of your journal and wow, I can’t believe how much of a problem this is for so many and how much strength everyone has to gather to get through this. I had no clue.  I haven’t had a chance to read everything here but I look forward to reading all of it in the next week and I hope I have a chance to get to know more people as I go through this. 
I am looking forward to meeting you in a chat also – I missed out on this evenings as I was just too mentally drained to look at the computer any longer. 
Thank you again for your support and I hope I am able to be supportive for you and anyone else.  God Bless!
Kim
 

[غير معروف]

Hey Bettie:  Wow … that sounds like a FANTASTIC weekend.  I LOVE that smell in the clear, fresh early morning at camp.  Bacon, eggs and coffee tastes the best at camp :)!  Thanks for your post.  Hope to chat with you at the end of the week.  Enjoy every minute of the week and stay strong.
Love,
RGMay you be safe and happy.  May you be peaceful.

[bettie]

Tx Guys!
What a wonderful group tonight!
Kim keep posting, Miley start your thread!
Lee, thanks for hosting, as always!
Tired and off to bed. Hope to post tomorrow!
peace
bettie

[alice]

Hi Bettie,
It was good to see you in the chat room the other night. I’m glad you had a good weekend. I can’t say that camping is one of my favourite holiday activities but I completely understand why a lot of people do enjoy it! We’ve had amazing weather here over the last week or so too. A lot warmer than normal although the temperature has dropped the last day. I think autumn and winter is truly beginning to set in now!
Alice x
 "Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

[eyesmar]

Originally posted by bettie

Today is my first day here. I was really suprised that so many people feel like they want to die after binge gambling. I am just shocked, I thought it was just me!
Of all the things in my life I must say I’ve never felt lower than I do right now. I am being threatned with forclusure and I haven’t been ontime with a bill in months. I filed bankrupcy last year and have to face what got me there.
I have loved to gamble since I was a child. Pitching pennies was the start for me. I went to Atlantic City when I was 19, I looked older, and spent the whole day on $50 bucks, food included. What a blast!
I played video poker in the bars at 21. It’s not legal but if you are known at the bar all you did was ask the bartender if they "paid out". They took a note of your score on a little pad of paper, shut the machine off, then paid you out.
Now you might get the impression that I have gambled all my life. Not true. The occasional lotto ticket was really the most I ever did. I made my first trip to Vegas 16 years ago when my sister paid for the trip. She got married and needed a sitter for her daughter. I got to play "Real" machines and loved it!
This went on for a few years, the annual trip, 100.00 a day budget. Controlled, fun, hoping for a big win. About 16 years ago the "boats" open in Indiana. I had offers to go but declined. I knew I didn’t have the money to spend and somehow I knew I liked it too much. This changed about 5 years ago when a group of work friends were going and invited me along. I was hooked! It started with going 1-2 times weekly after that. I started racking up debt but refinanced my home, took a home equity loan, and built a great credit record. Credit card companys gave me ten – twenty thousand dollar limits and cash advance checks with no interest for a year. I would gamble, get crazy, then cover it with a check.
I think the real problem came about 4 years ago. I won ten thousand dollars. Like every other gambler I was going to do great things with it. It lasted about a month. I paid some debt, gave some to my daughter, and blew the rest. In the last 4 years I got about eighty thousand dollars in debt, all credit cards. You would have thought they would have cut me off. Not their fault, I knew just how to move that debt so it was building my credit up.
Since the bankrupcy I find that I barely make enough to pay just the basics. I was living on those credit cards. I started working a second job but I don’t have any money for food and gas this week.I spend money that I need to pay bills. My daughter has been helping me out, not realizing she’s been supporting my habit. I lie, sneek around, avoid family and the few friends I have in order to gamble. I know I have to quit, I have never tried before. I keep thinking I can go back to the yearly trip to Vegas but I know that’s folly. I don’t want to ban myself because I want my free hotel rooms and steak dinners. I know this is false, they have never given me a thing, I paid for it all and then some! This is the start of my journey. I don’t want to EVER feel this way again. I am ashamed and just want to hide from it all. I planned to try a meeting today. I am making excuses and won’t make myself go. Maybe Thursday, I only work 1/2 a day. Thats a trigger time for me. I won’t gamble today. Tomorrow I work both jobs and won’t have the desire then either. Wednesday is a problem. I will find a meeting for then too. You all sound like friends. I hope to be in your good company too. Thanks for reading my book!

Hi Bettie,
Be strong.  I am in the same situation as you.  I am now jobless for I was terminated.  Keep your head up and be strong for each day will get better.  I am now two weeks in without a gamble.  I have had many urges but I am saying no for I can not afford to lose anymore money.  Keep high spirits and keep checking in with all of usI want to have my life back

[eyesmar]

Originally posted by bettie

Today is my first day here. I was really suprised that so many people feel like they want to die after binge gambling. I am just shocked, I thought it was just me!
Of all the things in my life I must say I’ve never felt lower than I do right now. I am being threatned with forclusure and I haven’t been ontime with a bill in months. I filed bankrupcy last year and have to face what got me there.
I have loved to gamble since I was a child. Pitching pennies was the start for me. I went to Atlantic City when I was 19, I looked older, and spent the whole day on $50 bucks, food included. What a blast!
I played video poker in the bars at 21. It’s not legal but if you are known at the bar all you did was ask the bartender if they "paid out". They took a note of your score on a little pad of paper, shut the machine off, then paid you out.
Now you might get the impression that I have gambled all my life. Not true. The occasional lotto ticket was really the most I ever did. I made my first trip to Vegas 16 years ago when my sister paid for the trip. She got married and needed a sitter for her daughter. I got to play "Real" machines and loved it!
This went on for a few years, the annual trip, 100.00 a day budget. Controlled, fun, hoping for a big win. About 16 years ago the "boats" open in Indiana. I had offers to go but declined. I knew I didn’t have the money to spend and somehow I knew I liked it too much. This changed about 5 years ago when a group of work friends were going and invited me along. I was hooked! It started with going 1-2 times weekly after that. I started racking up debt but refinanced my home, took a home equity loan, and built a great credit record. Credit card companys gave me ten – twenty thousand dollar limits and cash advance checks with no interest for a year. I would gamble, get crazy, then cover it with a check.
I think the real problem came about 4 years ago. I won ten thousand dollars. Like every other gambler I was going to do great things with it. It lasted about a month. I paid some debt, gave some to my daughter, and blew the rest. In the last 4 years I got about eighty thousand dollars in debt, all credit cards. You would have thought they would have cut me off. Not their fault, I knew just how to move that debt so it was building my credit up.
Since the bankrupcy I find that I barely make enough to pay just the basics. I was living on those credit cards. I started working a second job but I don’t have any money for food and gas this week.I spend money that I need to pay bills. My daughter has been helping me out, not realizing she’s been supporting my habit. I lie, sneek around, avoid family and the few friends I have in order to gamble. I know I have to quit, I have never tried before. I keep thinking I can go back to the yearly trip to Vegas but I know that’s folly. I don’t want to ban myself because I want my free hotel rooms and steak dinners. I know this is false, they have never given me a thing, I paid for it all and then some! This is the start of my journey. I don’t want to EVER feel this way again. I am ashamed and just want to hide from it all. I planned to try a meeting today. I am making excuses and won’t make myself go. Maybe Thursday, I only work 1/2 a day. Thats a trigger time for me. I won’t gamble today. Tomorrow I work both jobs and won’t have the desire then either. Wednesday is a problem. I will find a meeting for then too. You all sound like friends. I hope to be in your good company too. Thanks for reading my book!

Hi Bettie,
Be strong.  I am in the same situation as you.  I am now jobless for I was terminated.  Keep your head up and be strong for each day will get better.  I am now two weeks in without a gamble.  I have had many urges but I am saying no for I can not afford to lose anymore money.  Keep high spirits and keep checking in with all of usI want to have my life back

[bettie]

Hi Eyesmar,
Wow, that origional post seems so long ago and written by a person I barely know anymore. Sprialing out of control. scared beyond words, terified of what the next day held.
Thanks for reminding me where I’ve been, and where I never want to go again!
The road is far from smooth but it’s a much better road to be on. It does get better, but I had such a hard time believing that back then, the worthlessness, self hatred, pity and loathing.
This recovery journey is not for the weak! We have to draw on the strenght thats been long hidden behing the mask of "carefree gambler". (CG)
I had a customer yesterday that just couldn’t understand how she was overdrawn. She took two withdrawls from the casino, causing two overdraft fees. She also had a purchase that caused an additional nsf charge. We gave her most of the fees back but she was still negative and recieved even MORE fees. She was livid that we didn’t reverse all the fees she got. I told her this could be prevented all together, we could "fix" her card so she couldn’t overdraw (at the casino) and would get NO overdraft fees. She refused. See, she didn’t care that she got the first two charges,( she was able to get her gambling money) but thought we were ripping her off charging a fee on the purchase she made!
Sometimes I want to be a social worker and tell people you don’t have to live like this. The pain and frustration was written all over her face. "I just can’t afford those fees!" No, you just can’t afford to keep living this "carefree gambler" life. But of course I could not. I told her I would ask for additional fees for her but most likely they would not give her anymore rebates.
I see this every day. I always told myself "I’m not like that, If i got that bad I would stop going." I could handle any fees,(payday loans) just part of "the game". What I couldn’t handle the thought of living in my car, loosing my home, living in the street. I would really rather have died then face those things, and drove home so drunk sometimes I could barely walk. "Death wish" is how I would describe it. Thank God, thats one wish that didn’t come true!
I’m glad to be here today, I’m the luckest person in the world!
peace
bettie

[kimc2010]

Bettie!!  I want to thank you for your continued encouragement.  Your story about the customer yesterday – just like me yesterday.  Thankfully we had a very nice Asst. Mgr helping and it sounds like you are the same.  It is nice to know there are still some caring, understanding and good people in today’s world.  Just hope that I can someday get myself on straight enough to be helpful to others too.
Off to mull the mind over and try to figure out what step to take next.
Until later. . . . Have a great day!!!!
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh, I went to GA tonight. It’s hard to go to that meeting, it"s on the route that I used to take to the casino. There was a point  where I said to myself go right ( toward casino) instead of straight , no worries, I took the correct road.
People were shocked to see me, but were very welcoming. I told them what was going on, cried like a baby, made the ladies cry too! Oh well, it’s like that sometimes.
Hope to see u all on chat, looks like I just missed Vera and P, Rats!!
peace
bettie

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
good to see your post.  Having morning coffee with a couple of V’s   Sorry I missed everyone last night.  Rough day yesterday.  I was holding out for morning coffee with a B or a P, or maybe a K, an RG or an FG lol.  Vanna I’d like to buy a vowel!  Well, sitting is done for a while.  Hope you have a good day Bettie.
Laura

[bettie]

looks like i just missed you!
oh well, gotta go to work, will try to check in when i get home, 1:30-2:00 central.

[ej]

YO Bettie…heard a joke goes like this My father was a gambler and we were rich eight times ha ha gotta have humour..so hows life ..been busy so did not have time to get on this site….funny how we quit something and get hooked on something else..found this chess game and being an addictive person think I AM hooked have to go to a chess anoymonous meeting…looking at the screen is hard on the ols eyes..well was thinking about ya so take care wish you happinesss..PEace  Eric

[bettie]

EJ,
The worse thing I can think of happening to you with your "chess addiction"is that you will become a nerd and never get another date, lol!
good to hear from you!
peace
bettie– 10/17/2010 3:35:05 AM: post edited by bettie.

[kathryn]

Hi Bettie,
Your trip sounded amazing, i loved your description, and yes, i hope my star was shining brightly on you my friend (although i dont think its very big…lol, never the less, its there!!!)
Ive just got back from a weekend away, had a great time.
Hope to see you on chat, i feel like i havent talked to you for a very long time!!!
With love, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[p]

Hi Bettie
Thanks for always looking out for me.. i am sorry i didnt keep in touch.. i couldnt.. i was in that crazy world again and was too ashamed to show my face here again.. but i am back now and i will try my best.. i am glad you had a nice trip.. thanks again for your support.
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
So glad to see friends, old and new.
Wanted to "go out" last night but nothing constructive to do so I stopped to "window" shop, yea, right!
I got the most incredable deal on a pair of brown knee high boots, $17, after discounts! Can’t wait to wear them tomorrow.
Chat very slow, I’ve been on for more than an hour, no one there!
Had to laugh at the cat, got his head in a small paper bag and went running around tring to get it off!
I declaired yesterday as "Life’s too short to be a supermodel"day so i endulged in a craving for fried chicken, red beans and rice, biscuit and ice tea! Oh, now I remember how I got so heavy, lol, but again, life’s too short!
Tx to Kin for making me get offline last night and go back to bed (3:30 am here). Restless, couldn’t sleep. Trying not to take anaxity pill but broke down and took half. Still sleepy but will get moving soon.
Have a great one!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
HeY Miley41, so good to chat with you last night. I wanted to add to the conversation that when I see someone struggling with issues I never say never, there but for the grace of God go I. I’ve learned never say never, if I let myself be lax, if I let my guard down, if I fail to stay aware, I’ll be right back at it, and worse off for it.
I saw my sister yesterday. I helped my niece finish moving out of her condo and into her house. We talked a little about my cg. I told her about my friend going back to "the boat". She said maybe I need to not talk to her anymore. Funny how someone who know nothing really about CG’s can figure that out. Sick how I get so excited when she talks about gambling, I just don’t want to stop her. I know what to do. If I ask her not to discuss it she will respect that but I WANT to hear it. (Well, my cg wants to hear it!)
Need to stop the self distructive behaviour. I need to stop allowing conversations that feed into the compulsive part of my being. I need to stop letting myself be exploited, feeding alternative compulsive behaviours too.
One more step toward healing, progress not perfection.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Not a happy day in bettie land! TUMMY ACHE! Woke up at 4:30 am, couldn’t go back to sleep, stayed up for the chat, 5-6am for me, tx Mike, then went back to bed after 2 antiacids. Got warm and snuggly just in time to get up late for work. I had to go in, only one scheduled, and after telling the manager I was ill he left me to work alone all of the afternoon, I didn’t even get a lunchbreak! I sent one of the guys to my favorite mexican restrurant for some beef soup. I don’t know how they make it but it has the most wonderful flavour, I ate a bit between customers. So the manager comes back at 3:45, i told him i couldn’t take lunch and asked if I could leave. No, he’s leaving at 4:30! What an *ss!
Why am I telling u all this? Heck, I don’t know! Just wanted to whine a while and the cats ate their supper and went back to sleep!
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
Hope you feel better soon.. i often wake very early and cant sleep again, it is frustrating.. hope you find some relief very soon hope to see you in group i have missed you
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Had an interesting chat on another site yesterday. We were discussing how to deal with folks ( not in recovery) who just insist on talking about gambling. I got alot of suggestions, most are things I have been doing., but more to the point was the urges that they brought up. There was a suggestion of "playing your tape" in your head. I didn’t quite know what that ment until it was explained to me. Kind of a virtural reality trip in your head. Mine goes something like this.
I would scrape up some money, from somewhere to go. I’d check with my gambling buddy to see if she was interested pick her up unless she had something better to do. I would tuck a way a little money that I just could NOT spend, a marker that I had to be cautious as I was hitting my limit. As soon as we got into the place I would go get a comp for smokes, check any cash balance ( not take it) and split up with my friend and head for the bar. Rum and coke, tall glass, double shot. ( I wanted a buzz as quickly as possible, I didn’t want the friend, who would be the passanger in my car, to know just how many drinks I had before driving her home.)
Then the search was on. My machines, were they paying? Was someone on them? There were a couple that I loved to play, that sometimes kept me playing, for a long time. God forbid that I left a machine, because if I did and saw someone "hit" I would be crushed because they got "my" money  so if I moved I had to move far enough so I couldn’t see or hear it.
If it was a "good" night I didn’t have to take the tucked away money. Most nights, esp if I went alone, my $$ was gone in the first hour, I had to dip into the stash, a $20 at a time. Once That was gone, I would hit the atm once, twice, until I hit my limit. Once that was gone out came the credit cards. Once they were gone, God forbid, I would write a check. When all my resources were gone, and the desperation had set in , off to see what cash was avaliable as a comp from the casino.
By then, my friend might be ready to go and she would "find" me. If I wasn’t done, she would wait a little while, as I threw away my last dine in a pittiful effort to get something back, so I might have $5 for lunch or gas the next day.
I took her home, then came the long drive. The telling myself it’s ok, you’ll be alright, figuring out what I couldn’t pay because now I had no cash. Figuring out how to cover the check, how close was payday, would I have money before it got there. I would get home and hopefully the booze would let me sleep. Most nights it didn’t. I’d sleep about 2 hours, sit straight up in bed, my mind screaming, "WHAT DID U DO? WHY!!!!!!!!" and not sleep, maybe have to call off work, my heart beating out of my chest. Sitting up in the bed, rocking back and fourth, sobbing, wondering what was wrong with me? On the worse days, I contemplated how to end it, would that hurt any more then the moment did? Was that the answer? Would anyone even miss me? Would anyone even care?
What a selfish fool I have been. Self pitty, self loathing. I need to play the tape in my head, when the urge hits,and ask myself,
DO I REALLY WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT AGAIN??
I think we all know the answer…..
peace
bettie

[alice]

Hey Bettie
It’s great to feel so adamant that you definitely don’t want to live like that again!
I hope your tummy is feeling better. Hey we all need to whine from time to time goodness knows I do it enough! there’s a million and one things i feel pissed off with at work at the moment and I didn’t get chance to have lunch yesterday myself either. It’s **** when managers aren’t sympathetic either isn’t it?!
Hope you have a good rest of your day
alice x"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

[ddsroad]

Hi Bettie,
Sounds like you have had some struggles lately too.  I’ve not been doing well for the last month or two.  I haven’t been here to fess up either, but started again yesterday.  Funny thing about it all, though, is that the mess made me realize what I have been running and escaping from.  It is still going to be a long journey, but what I’ve taken out of it is very valuable.  Soooo, long and short of it, we can get back to where we want to be.  To me, its a matter of facing my "demons" and then figuring out how to get past them.  I’m relying on the Big Dude upstairs who watches out for us to help me with it.  I don’t think I would have made it this far if I didn’t still have some positives to offer people.
Well, that’s my story for now.  I’m going to try to get back on chat this weekend.  Hope to see you then.You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

[p]

Hi Bettie
Glad i got to see you on chat a little the other day.. hope all that stress settles with work very soon.. you are doing well Bettie. 
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Funny thing happened at work yesterday.
My asst manager is on vacation so I am doing her work. I have been working on a loan that she submitted. The customer has been declined. Why? His income is from gambling, his profession, gambler. He gets a monthly payout of over $5000, he must have hit on the lottery. I only mention it because I know most of us CG’s think we would be OK with that one big win. That being the case, WHY DOES THIS GUY NEED A LOAN? His home is paid for.
My educated guess?? CG, going through money like water. What a shame. This guy should have no worries and here he is, trying to get a loan.
No matter what, as cg’s we need to remember there is NO SUCH THING AS A WIN!
just my opinion, for what it’s worth….
peace
bettie

[sick of gambling]

Betty – good point.  Why would someone who gets $5000 a month need to take out a loan.  We all think the big win would fix everything but all it would do is give us more money to gamble away.  The win is never big enough for a compulsive gambler done4good

[ej]

Bettie…..loved your post about your tape in your head…or how to prepare for the gambling trip…interesting the amount of planning we put towards our addiction…we are CEO’s of our disease…maybe this is why daily life is boring I miss chaos management haha…aah have a friend he plays online poker once in awhile I go see him and he is attached to his lap top looking rough because he played for 12 hours straight and looking mean at his dog because his dog giving him the bad luck eye look and he talks about his winnings and not the losses and thinking about making this his living….why do I visit him he is my friend but secretly I looking to get off on his rush or playing tricks with my mind that I still could gamble…crazy disease I have…break up disease and you got dis-ease definition not feeling comfortable with myself and pattern is when I feel like this I use to escape into the gambling world instead of looking at what is bothering me and it is ok to feel uneasy better than feeling the consequences of a gambling binge….thanks for your post and an elder once told be thankfu count your blessings and Peace and love those brown boots..ericl

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I need to get busy on Saturdays. This is crazy, fighting urges today, again! I know why tho. The "landlord" was in yesterday, needed some banking stuff done. Long story short he admired my outift, then told me I looked stressed and needed to do something "about my face". Mind u i was at work but I told him Fxxx u. ( you get the picture ) He tried to explain, you look so tired, etc. What an *ss! So yea, urges today. But then again, I think back, how many other times did he reject me or hurt my feelings or insulted me and I ran off to the casino? It’s not his fault I gambled, but gambling was how I dealt with the hurt and pain he brought into my life.
I just feel empty tonight. My only friend is a cg, actively gambling and I can’t really call her. The other "friend" in my life is no friend at all really. I’m in physical pain with this leg and some other female issues, ( sorry guys! )
I feel all alone. I need to snap out of it, wish it were that easy.
I’ve "played my tape" over and over in my head today. I think that may have depressed me a bit too. I was feeling so good reciently, what happened? I let him "take my joy"! Damn him! And Damn me for feeling this way.
bettie
 

[ej]

Hey…tommorrow is another beautiful day…best friend is you..just another test…Peace..Eric

[kathryn]

Hey Bettie,
I often wonder why we let these people make us feel so bad about ourselves…what gives them the right, and the cheek to think they can say whatever they want about our looks…eg…. I was at work yesterday and a lady had come in for a B12 injection.  I was drawing it up and she says…"oh, you are having a baby"..to which i replied "no, just relax your arm", and i jabbed her.  I will never understand why people say these things when they dont know.   I would NEVER ask someone if they were pregnant, never!!! (especially if they were just about to give me a needle!!!)
So i felt pretty crappy and self conscious for the rest of the day.  Im trying to think of something to say back, something that would perhaps shock them, and teach them a lesson.  It hurts, i know, to be told you dont look your best.  Not only that, but i then feel embaressed as well (this has happened more than once)
Anyway, dont worry about him, maybe next time, if there is one, before he even opens his mouth, mention that you dont want his opinion about how you look.  Get in first!!!
Ok, well i hope, apart from this you are doing ok and managed to curb those urges.
Take care my friend, Kathryn xxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Kathryn, tx as always! Your story reminded me of a friend of mine years ago. The head of human resources was at the branch and he walked up to her and asked when was the baby due? Talk about egg on his face!
I had a customer ask me a year and a half ago ask me when was my "happy day". I told her every day was my happy day! Her husband nugged her, then she finally got it. I did too. I gave that blouse away!!
Been on the chat all weekend, again! Lots of newbees. Glad to meet u all!
Came to another conclusion. I have to stop acting like "dammaged" goods. Most of you know my history, and when I get hurt, i retreat into "victim" mode. I MUST stop letting the deamons from the past control my future. G you are so right. I let it dictate who I am. I am Not a helpless child anymore. I’ve carried that wounded little girl around for a long time. It’s time she grew up and realized that no matter what she SURIVED,she is Strong,she IS lovable, and she IS worthy of being cared for and treated well, she is SAFE and OK now. I am the victim, only if i choose to be.
wow, hard words.
peace
bettie

[cully21]

Hi Bettie:
I tottaly understand what you say about the victim stage. I fall into that too sometimes. Gotta vent. But I always remind myself there is no growth in the "victim" stage. Only in the survivor and so on.
And I am usually a nice guy, but I want to share a comment I have learned to say to people over the years when and if they insult me. It usually works and leaves them speachless.
After the insult, if you appropiate, say "Well coming from you… I will take that as a compliment."
Feel free to use and add any words to that if you like.
A lot of beutiful people here.
God Bless,
Cully21"I used to follow. Yeah thats true. But my following days are over. Now I just got to follow through." Lou Graham from the song "Midnight Blue"

[bettie]

U , Cully, Make me smile!
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Guys,
I caught this post on another posting support group. The ladys name is Carol. She got this from a group for adult children of alcholics. This is (was) me, guess it applies to other addictions too.
"We either become alcoholics,(I add GAMBLING) marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.

We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

We became addicted to excitement.

We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."

We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).

We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.

We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us."
 
Knowing the problem is half the battle. I have a lot to digest here.
peace
bettie
 

[female g]

good stuff Bettie looking at ourselves and learning what we need to know to become the people we deserve to be.  let the chains that bind us be removed alink at a time if need be. The knowledge we gain from these insights allows us to see that change can take place and with the help of all our friends here one day at a time is achievable g

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh Monday, you are done for another week. OK, new gripe. I am calling an orthopeidic dr tomorrow, as this pain in my leg has progressed from uncomfortable to painful. I am afraid I have torn something. Funny, it doesn’t really hurt to walk, even in heals, but let me get out of a chair or walk up the stairs, OUCH!
The "landlord" managed to run into me in the parking lot as I arrived to work. Hey, how are you? Can you let me in the bank. Cr*p, I really didn’t want to talk to him but he was two feet behind me, asking me how my weekend went and so on. He was walking into the bank telling me I looked nice as I proceeded into the back room to get away from him. Maybe he will get the message that I really don’t care what he has to say, and too bad I was so distracted, I should have asked him if "my face" was ok today.
peace
bettie

[ddsroad]

Hey Bettie,
Just trying to catch up and read some posts before I go on my trip.  Wish I could pack you in my suitcase!  I’m really looking forward to it.  I’ve been reading back through some of your posts, being away for a while as you know, and I just want to say, WOW, you really have some great insight going on here.  From when you started, you are really peeling back the onion and getting down to some important things.  Great job!  There are so many things that you are saying that are true, but the ones that stick out to me is that we do deserve good things and we are worth it!  As you know, I’ve been going down that path too, and I am really starting to like me!  No more victim!  I usually try to smile on the outside, but now, I’m starting to smile from the inside.  Very refreshing.  Soooo, the long and short of it is that you seem so, so much better than when you started here and are doing an excellent job.  When people say negative things to me, I trying to take a saying that my sassy middle daughter says, "Hmmmmm, let me see if I care what you think, (pause, pause), NO I DON"T."  If someone says negative things to me, why the heck would I want to have them around.  Ok, family may be different and that’s a whole other issue and may be harder to deal with, but people off the street, whatever!
Hang in there.  You are making excellent progress.  I’ll stay strong on my trip.  I deserve a better life and so do you!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
DD, I so wish I were going with you! Thanks for the invite, I’ll be the chubby blonde with the wide hat off in the corner reading a romance novel. (peeling the onion makes you cry, fyi! lol!)
Miss P, so nice to see you in the chat! As I said, I don’t care if you are 2 days, 2 hours or 2 minutes "clean", you are always welcome here! Do what you have to do, keep at it P, you will find something to help but "yagottowantadoit"!
I was on a chat and someone said an urge really only lasts 7 minutes and if we can get past that we can move on. Another mentioned a support team, constisting of a ga sponser, a supervisor, and a friend, someone for daily accountability and keeping busy, be it class, dinner dates, whatever. This guy has been "clean" since 1999, can you imagine that? 11 years without the crazy life! Wow, what a "lucky" guy!
I slept 5 hours last night and I am wide awake. I have to meet my daughter at the lawyers today after work. I hope she has all her paperwork together and gets a date for her bankrupcy. She needs to move on and start a financial recovery of her own.
The windy city was true to it’s name yesterday. I was fortunate it was just south and north of here, seemed to go around us for the most part. It did clear the leaves from my parking spot and knocked around the trees but miminal all in all esp since it could have been so much worse.
Off to work!
peace
bettie

[female g]

Hi Bettie hope all goes well for your daughter and this will be just the opportuntiy she needs to get back on track.  I hope that she will develope the right habits so that she won’t have to face similar circumstances in the future.  Hope you get through your shift feeling ok too and don’t get over tired after the weekend is soon to arrive and you deserve to enjoy itG

[bettie]

Hi guys,
G, that stupid lawyer was not there when we got there! We even called 10 minutes before the appt and got no answer! See thats what u get for paying upfront! Wait till I call them today!
Got an early appt for the dr so I have to run. well maybe not "run".I hope he has a suggestion or some advice about this leg, just feeling fat and lazy. I really want to get back to working out but don’t want to make this worse. I am sure he will send me for tests so I don’t expect too much today. Hope to get on some groups later today.
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
I hope your leg gets better soon.. you will get back to your workouts when its healed, doing anything before then may just injure it more.. c you soon
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Tx P’
Very frustrating, go for leg pain and they x ray my back! ( If I said my butt hurt maybe they will x ray my head! lol!)He thinks pinched nerve to so i have 3 rx to fill ( more $$) then physical therapy, ( even more $$). Well, this was 2nd opinion so time to give it a go.
Called lawyer, said we didn’t confirm appt, what ever! Rescheduled for Monday, she is on her own!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Made some positive steps today. Why do they have to be painful?
 

[p]

Hi Bettie
Thank you for your support you are alwasy there for me and i am really thankful for that!!! good on you for taking those steps be them painful ones, you are making progress to make them in the first place..
Looking forward to the next group
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Leg feels ok so i could run a couple of miles however I would fall over!.Dr gave me steroids for 6 days, my sugar is up, my head pounding! I want to go to my ga meeting however i am a bit afraid to drive the car!
Oh well I’ll tough it out if i can but this has to get better soon.
Nancy, sorry u got knocked off the chat, that seems to be happening alot. ( not u, lol, chat issues)
Wish we had a chance to talk.
bettie

[kathryn]

Hey Bettie,
Well it was lovely to have a laugh this morning…lol, ear wax candles, imagine some poor woman (proboably me in another life) getting everyone to line up so i could get enough wax for the candles!!!
Hope to see you this weekend,
Love Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh, i am so sick to my stomach! My niece had a house warming party yesterday and we had a fire and drank beer and wine. Note to self, don’t mix drinks stupid! I almost drank enough to tell her about my cg. Glad i stopped and sobered up. Drunk and runnng off at the mouth, not attractive!
Off to my brothers to celebrate Halloween give out candy and eat turkey. That was his idea, the turkey, but sounds good and i don’t have to cook so it works for me.
Planned to dress in a mini and scare small children ( and big ones too, lol!), don’t know if i’m up for it, we’ll see.
peace
bettie

[p]

Oh Bettie i had a giggle at that post!!! I guess at least you are sick because you were having fun.. but i hope you get better very quickly.. didnt see you on chat, hope to catch you in the next group very soon.. have fun
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

your wish is my command, lol!
insomnia, but what a treat! got to see u and KATHRYN, HOSTING!!
WOW!!!
bettie

[kathryn]

Thanks Bettie,
You and P made it very easy for me and i truly apprecieate that!!!  I was shaking in my shoes..LOL
As for cg to facillitator, well, im always going to be a cg, but hey, i can live with that!!!!   Im just so glad that i can do something, give something back to this wonderful organisation. Its not much, but this place has given me my life back.  Paying it forward…..
Take care, i hope you have a good day at work, and thanks for the post, it means the world to me.
Love Kathryn xxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

So this is what happens when U get up too early. I was checking email and got a promo offer for an online dating service that i had subscribed to a couple years back. Oh, what the heck, the holidays are coming up and maybe just maybe some poor lonely soul is looking for a date.
I go to the "new match" section, and there ate 389 matches! They haven’t deleated one since i first subscribed and there is no way to do a mass deleate! I have to do one by one. Let me tell you, there are some scary folks out there! Some of the photos look like seral killers, DELEAT!!, lol! Men post pictures with uncombed hair and 3 day beards! One wanted to go on a "sojourn" along a flowing lake, Who did he think he was kidding? I think it was a convient way to HIDE THE BODY!!
Oh well, i will have something fun to do for a while and the best part is that all these guys got MY creepy photo and NOT ONE has ever tried to contact me!!
Time for a new photo!!
peace
bettie
p.s maybe i should change my intro too…. Lonely middle aged compulsive gambler looking for…..
Oh yea, there was one pretty hansom man but I had to deleate him on principal, his photo was him standing outside a casino!– 11/2/2010 2:04:09 AM: post edited by bettie.

[p]

Hey Bettie
Your posts always give me a bit of a giggle!! You are a funny one.. good on you for moving forward with your life Bettie, you are taking lots of steps in the right direction..
thanks for your support always
P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Boy I tell you that kid of mine! If it’s not one thing it’s another. She got off the train and slipped in some rocks and "popped" her ankle! Poor baby, said no one asked if she was alright or offered to help her up, just tried to step around her. She said she felt like she was back in New York, Not Chicago! Shame on them!
She got up and hobbled off to work. Got in to see dr after work and needs an x ray. Problem is she is driving on a ticket and doesn’t have another photo id. They require it to get services so will need to get an ID tomorrow so she can get it done!
Drama!!
off to bed
peace
bettie

[starrlet21]

Hi Bettie,
So sorry to hear about your daughter! I hope she is ok.
I hope you had a fun Halloween! LOL, to you’re online dating and a thumbs up to you deleting the photo of the guy with the casino in the background. Good luck in your search, I know alot of people who have found someone that way!

[bettie]

HI Guys,
Tx for asking about Jen, Her ankle is black, the top of her foot is blue. Got the x ray done and since the result wasn’t called in right away I’m sure their is no break. It looks like heck!
Well why am I posting in the middle of the night? I saw my "friend’ tonight. He really hurt me. The funny part is it’s not his fault I’m hurt really, it’s my own. He has no affection for me, I thought for a long time he did, and he played the part at first but now the most I can hope for is a peck on the cheek. He’s says how wonderful I am and what a nice person I am and how I just don’t know my potential. I’m on quite the crying jag at the moment and am waiting for the xanax to kick in hoping I might get some sleep.
We had a heart to heart talk, he is one of the few who know about my cg. He asked me what it was I wanted from my life, where did I want to go, what was my goal. I had no answer, truthfully I don’t know. He says I’m way too hard on myself and take things too personally.
He right’s, but when someone tells you they really are an affectinate person but they do not show any toward you, well for me anyway,  the question is what is so wrong with me that I am so unlovable? So untouchable? I feel discusting, and discusted for what I have allowed this man to do to me.
I want to run and hide, retreat into my shell, and never come out. If it were all so easy. I hate this feeling, I am so flawed and weak, ripe for the picking. Why would I join a dating site now? What is wrong with me? Who could possible ever want this poor excuse for a human?
bettie
bettie
 

[sick of gambling]

Bettie – don’t be so hard on yourself!  It’s okay to have a pity party but don’t let it go on too long.  You’re a good person, with a great sense of humor and a lot to offer.  Sounds like you need a way to let go of this "friend" in your life since he makes you feel so bad about yourself (even if he isn’t doing it intentionally).  It’s time to make that change.  Join that dating site – a lot of people have met that way.  I met some very nice people through the personals in the newspaper (that was years ago before they had "dating" on the internet) and met a few winners too  I also met my husband that way.  Beats going to a bar.   First you need to see yourself in a better light otherwise other people won’t see  you that way.  Look in the mirror and remind yourself how much you have to offer.  Be good to yourself Miss Bettie! done4good

[bettie]

How can this be? How in the H*LL did i let myself get to this place, again?
The sense of hopelessness and fear and loathing, I thought I had moved past it! I want it to STOP as I find it is unbearable.
The fact that I do not have a gambling urge, just like the last time, is strange and somehow frightning. I don’t want to do ANYTHING. Facing the facts that my life feels like such a waste of space, a gift that should have been given to someone else. I’ve wasted it, ruined it, i’m to my breaking point, I want to SCREAM! I just want to hit something and direct my pain somewhere else. I surender. I look in the mirror and I see an empty shell that used to have potential, used to be able to shake it off and think better days were ahead. I’m tired of waiting for the better day because i truely feel like life has past me by. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I can’t change anything.

[alice]

hey bettie i’m sorry you’re feeling so awful. i was going to say try and hang in there but i don’t think that’s something that you want to hear or that is going to be very helpful to you. i guess all i can say is keep posting because there is me and other people here listening to what you are saying. maybe that at least may help you not feel so alone.
alice"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

[bettie]

Hey guys,
Well that was ugly. The worst seems to be over. God has sent me an angel. My cousin called, she had to put her cat to sleep, and needs some support. I told her to come on over.
I have to think about someone else, this emotional stuff has to be set aside. One step at a time. I can’t deal with it all at once.
Thank you Alice, good to know someone cares and is listening. It does make me feel less alone, but the devil on my shoulder says everyone wants you to just shut up, so i will just have to be deaf in that ear and keep posting.
peace
bettie

[howanan]

Bettie,  There is the right man out there for you.  Don’t give up and don’t accept less then you deserve.  Treat your friend like he is treating you.  No more being the nice, gentle, keep my mouth shut lady.  He ain’t that perfect!!!
Hope by the time you read this you are feeling better.  I suggest you get some books on self esteem.  You are what you think you are.  So first you have to love yourself.
Have a blessed evening………..Nancy

[p]

Hi Bettie
I hope you start to feel better soon, be proud of you, look at how you are facing this addiction, you have all these feelings and situations happening, are you gambling?  Nooooo how good is that.. I think thats pretty awesome and it takes a lot of strength and guts to get through sometimes.. you are doing it, i personally think you are a beautiful person Bettie, i can tell by your posts and your words.. we are all with you, dont feel alone
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Thanks for the posts guys!
Sometimes i feel like I am driving a train headed straight for a wall and can’t jump off. I live for the acceptance of others and when I don’t get it I crack. Why? Why do I seem to need that so much? The worthless feelings just overwhelm me and destroys any speck of self esteam that i may have managed to pick up along the way.
I think just the way we "punish" ourselves by gambling I am "punishing" myself with unhealthy attachements to someone who has no real interest in me but yet is interested in what I can do for him. I keep trying to help him in the name of friendship because somehow I am trying to make him change his mind and see just how wonderful I am.
I can’t make him love me, my mind knows that. He’s really no good for me and we are not alike in any way. I told him things were going to change between, that I had to stop being with him on a physical level because their is no emotional attachment. In the end the thrill just isn’t worth the pain, just like gambling. I’m still trying to escape the deamons from my childhood, the only difference between this and my cg is I am not suffereing the financal loss, just the emotional one.
Something is changing, maybe it’s me.
I am going to my ga session tonight. There is a one year pinning, a guy that lost it all to gambling, house, family, car, job, etc. But here he is, one year later, and he has a new life.
I want that too.
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
I really feel for you right now but in your posts i saw some wonderful things, that you are recognizing these things, that in itself is a wonderful step in the right direction.. You are so worth this fight Bettie.. and you will grow stronger the more you stand up for you and what is good for you.. what about counselling.. glad you are going to GA, i find it really enjoyable now too.. maybe this week i won’t blubber hahaha.. good on you Bettie, you are a wonderful support to others here too..
 P – Living and Learning

[ddsroad]

Hi Bettie,
Even though your post said some difficult things, it was really insightful on your part.  I think it is excellent that you are linking the unhealthy relationship and the gambling together.  Funny, for me, it is very similar too.  My childhood has definitely driven me to feelings of not feeling worth and a low self esteem.  My relationships have followed the same pattern.  Soooooo, I look back to the times that I really felt loved and worth while and focus on those feelings as the ones that I deserve.  I’m trying to focus on the good in my life, laughing with friends, the times my parents did show affection, my sister and my relationship and any of those times in my life where I did feel good about myself.  Sometimes, I think, I’ve had more of the "not so good" than the "good" but the good is still there and much more of the good is yet to come.  You’re a great person and your time is right around the corner.  You are doing wonderfully!  Keep it going!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just wanted a quick post befor i leave for work.
The meeting/pinning was beautiful. The mans daughter came to pin him and spoke, not a dry eye in the house!
There was a sad note. There was someone from the GA counsel there to speak. She stated it was the worse week of her life but she was so glad to be there. One old time member had passed away and another active member commited sucide. A reality check really. We talk about it but when it becomes a reality, insanity, prison or death, it brings it home, it is real, and I thank God it didn’t happen to me. It could have, and the sadness from that lady, talking about seeing this man’s 13 and 17 year old sons at the service, was raw and real. As much distruction that we do to family is nothing compaired to the final assault, taking our life. I can imagine what brought him there. I am so sorry he couldn’t get past it. My heart breaks for the family, even though I never met him.
peace
bettie

[alice]

Hi Bettie,
It sounds like it was a moving and difficult group. But as you say all the tragedies bring home to us how close we all may have got to that point. It’s good that we haven’t been driven to those actions though and that we are working towards a fulfilled life without room for gambling.
It was good to chat with you in the chatroom and helped me to stay calm!
Have a good day,
Alice x"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

[vera]

Very hard when it comes so near the bone B!
"there but for God’s grace go you or I"!
 

[bettie]

Hey,
Tx for the posts guys! So nice to see u all on the chat. DD, i’ll catch u soon i hope.
Had high hope of cleaning and doing stuff but leg pain! Yuck! And 4 hours on the open chat that will slow you down! lol!
Well i am going on with my life.
I wish i was not alone tonight. I cooked a bunch of food and ate a bunch too. Should do something productive but being lazy.
This is when the lonely hits. But it will go away. Got some hits on the dating site. Not bad looking guys either so I responded. Hey, it would beat sitting here right now, we will see.
I gonna work out first thing tomorrow, i don’t care what my leg feels like. If it acts up too bad i’ll just stop but I must at least try. I am making excuses and that will lead to disaster as far as my weight goes. Why can’t I substitute excersize for gambling? I woukd be so slim and healthy!! lol!
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[ej]

Bettie….sometimes i forget I have not gambled for 6 and a half months…isn’t it wild…thinking when I am going to fall off..yuck..and forget to enjoy life…liked what MOb said on one of his post where we are like prisoners doing time haha..sorry about ur leg and the food sounds good…same here feel lonely sometimes but enjoy being by myself…it is all in the universe…still hooked on chess..hard on the brain..daughters are driving me crazy but keeps me occupied well take good care and enjoy the week end…Eric

[p]

Hi Eric
Wow, six and a half months gamble free!!! way to go, good on you Eric.. sounds like you are occupied with family at the moment! Good way to be really. I am on 13 days again but feel like i will be very vigilant this time round and learnt lots from my past mistakes, glad to see you are here and doing so well
pP – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi P Hi Ej,
I was looking at ej’s sixand a half months and thought wow! I had to pull the calander off the wall to figure out my "clean" time. 81 days. I had forgotten how quickly the time adds up. I’m still waiting for the good life that gamble free can bring, and i’ve had some, but it has not been an easy road. My life has never been on an easy road, (who’s is?) but sometimes i think we think that gamble free = happy life. Well it wasn’t too happy before , maybe why the cg, but if i can find some happy maybe i will be less tempted to go back.
I have two days off and right now am thinking i have enough time to go. I have to remind myself it is pointless, no fun, and leads to financial and emotional distruction.
I promised a workout and am gearing up for it. I have the negative thought that since i can’t do much it really won’t help but that thinking is destructive too. Even if i can only do 2 miles it will help. If i do a little each day it will add up. If i eat better ( I cooked a lot of stuff yesterday ) I will feel better too.
Time to get off the chair and on the floor!
peace
bettie

[alice]

hey bettie,
81 days wow that’s fantastic! Well done for staying clean for that long even though you’ve had some pretty rough times during that period. I hope that it proves to you that you can do it whatever life throws at you.
I sympathise with the exercise thing. I’m a lazy bum and do very little exercise – well to be honest I do zilch!
Remember to do something that you enjoy at least once a day though! That’s the only way you’re going to start enjoying life. If all you do are things that you find a chore then your life isn’t going to be that happy is it?!
I hope you have a good day,
alice x"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

[female g]

hey Bettie great to chat with you a little while ago and love to hear how you encourage so many people here. Its really great and you are so very valuable to this sight.  I hope that life does show you some well deserved joy and happiness because truly you have earned it.  But if it dosen’t come looking for you, go looking for it OK.  81 days is super and i think its time to give yourself something nice to celebate the day to day victories that are adding up. Think about what it could be and let me know ok.G

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
just stopping in to say have a great day!  Did some catching up while I was here.  Seems we r all busy having our ups and downs.  We feel the way we feel and are entitled to express it.  Say it like it is sister.  Talk soon, have work very shortly.
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
So what am I doing up at 4:20 am? Time Change! I was half asleep and remembered that Kathryn would be doing the group but thought it was 4 my time but is really 5 my time! Oh well, I’ll stay up so I can say hi.
Went to see a movie yesterday with my ex gambling buddy. We saw "For Colored Girls",(who considered sucide when the rainbow is enuff) based on a stage play. Even though this was directed toward African – American women it transends race and culture. It was tough to watch. The women break into poetry to describe what they feel and what is going on in their heads. I could relate to a couple of the women- all to well- esp. the woman who was in an on again and off again relationship and spoke of the man "taking her stuff", and not letting it continue.
I teared up at the movie, I never do that. Too close to home I am afraid. But i was moved by the plight of the women and how they continued on, because they found value in themselves, and got past the situtation and on with life.
I will get the book. I want to read the poetry and disect it a bit.
Well thats my movie review, lol!
I am off today. I did workout yesterday, 2 miles, i couldn’t do it full on but the effort was worth it. I’ve got to try to do a little each day because I can’t do alot at once. Kind of like gambling, kind of like life, odaat!
peace
bettie
ps so nice to see everyone on the chat! Lizbeth, hope to see u post soon!

[ddsroad]

Hi Bettie,
Great to talk to you last night!  Just remember, you really deserve good things and good people in your life!  Great on the workout too!  I’m getting back into mine as well.  Have a great week!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
well, it was a busy day. I did go back to sleep, caught some chats, and did my workout. Went to my daughters to see the grand dogs, took them for a long walk. Did some yard work, pulled dead plants from her garden, mopped floors and did her dishes. WHy u may ask? Well, after she fell her bf managed to cut his hand really bad, she called paramedics because she thought his finger was severed! Stiches and an or visit. Fun!
Jen’s dr called today, thinks her foot is FRACTURED! WHAT THE H*LL! It will be a week tomorrow, I assured her they would have called her right away if food was broken! Now off work somemore for more scans tomorrow.
I remember my friend who passed away from alcoholism told me once that loosing weight must be really hard because unlike drinking you HAD to eat. It’s kind of like HAVING to go to the casino with $5 a day, when you want to gamble $500!
Thats been on my mind, don’t know why. Well maybe I do. I’m mad that I have to work at it and for most people it is a natural part of their being. OK, thats out. Just doesn’t seem fair but really, it could be so much worse. At least this I can fight, some things you can’t.
I am blessed
peace
bettie

[vera]

THat film sounds well worth a watch B! Must look out for it!
Every time I hear you mention working out, I cringe, feel my flabby belly gurgling and run for food!
Glad youre enjoying your days off. My son came home from Holland tonight for two nights…my younger son (jealous heart) turned up an hour late at the airport, under the influence (we were sitting waiting in the car park for what seemed like ages ,4 euro per hour) so we didnt get home til late. Cooked a meal and he ( youngest) made sure "elder brother" didn’t get a chance to steal his thunder. He was really winding me up and trying to stir an arguement to spoil the visit. I came to bed at midnight. Still awake 2.30 am!
As you say, thats life!

[p]

Well done on the workouts Bettie, not to mention the gamble free time!!! Yey
P – Living and Learning

[غير معروف]

Hey Bettie:  Thanks for your post on my thread … always love to hear from you.  Wow, you’re really stacking up those days now, girl!! GOOD FOR YOU!!!  I’m following … albeit hobbling and dragging one foot … I’m still there, way back on the horizon. 
You know what?   I REALLY like your spa suggestion.  Think I’m going to call and book a massage tomorrow!!! It’s been a LONG time.  And after this week, I really deserve to be good to myself, instead of idiotic.
Keep up the workouts, Bets, I’m joining you on that one soon too.
Love, RG
 May you be safe and happy.  May you be peaceful.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!  Thanks for chatting with me the other nite, you don’t know how much you helped me.  Went to my first GA this evening.  Connected with a few people there.  Ready for the next one.  Hopefully, we can chat this weekend.  Take care!Seize all the good things in life

[ddsroad]

Way to go Bettie!  I’m sitting here this morning debating on working out and you’ve motivated me!  It is great to see how well you are doing even with the little things in life cropping up.  Hang in there and keep up the great work!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

[bettie]

Hey guys, thanks for the lovely posts!
I was watching the new last night and a story caught my eye.
We have a serial bank robber working the area. Being in a branch that really caught my eye. They say where he’s been targeting and mention that he is getting braver, going from robbing a single teller to a "take over", which means he is robbing the whole teller line and "taking over" the bank with a gun. Very dangerous and Frightning! So they interview the police investgator and he states this guy is desperate for money, he must be a COMPLUSIVE GAMBLER or drug addict.
Sometimes I forget where this ugly addiction will take you. Insanity, prison or death.
food for thought
peace
bettie

[vera]

Maybe this is the knight in white armour coming for you B!
Just fall at his feet if he comes into your bank…
"Take me now, who needs money"!
Fingers crossed!

[p]

Hi Bettie
That must be very nerve wracking for you… it is amazing where this addiction takes people you are right and i hear stories here and at GA that scare the whatevers out of me… I used to think that wouldnt be me, but i realize all these people started where i did and who am i to say i wouldnt end up there if i kept going, even though i can think i wouldnt, this is an awful addiciton and it makes people do things they never would otherwise.. so it just spurs me on all the more and makes me thankful i am working on it now and not ten years away….
You are doing so well in your gamble free time Bettie, be proud of you..
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh I had a gambling dream, again! I was playing this time and got excited to "win" 1 dollar less than what would require a hand payout. I was with my ex gambling buddy and we hurried to "cash out" so I wouldn’t get caught, so I must have gone to an excluded casino. I just wanted to put the ticket back in, to see if i could "win" some more.
What was that about?
Hey Vera, I think that a bank robbing CG just might be a new low for me so I’ll pass, lol!
Miss P good to see u chatting up a storm!! DD, RG, Lizbeth, tx for posting! Michelle, when will U get a thread?
Got to get to work
peace
bettie

[sick of gambling]

Hi Bettie – interesting dream.  Sounds like something we’d do in one of our gambling binges doesn’t it – getting a win and then trying to win even more.  How crazy is that!  Great chatting with you last night – for some reason all that chatting makes me tired so got a great night’s sleep – now off to another day of work.  Have a good day done4good

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!  Was nice to chat with you too.  Wow you have a great sense of humor , you had me laughing, and I needed that! Went walking again this morning, feeling a little low, but I won’t gamble today!  I must stay stong.  Talk later, have a great day.Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Trying to get motavited to work out today. Feeling a little blue and that should perk me up. I am trying to make it a productive day. Talked to my sister and she doesn’t want to do Thankgiving dinner this year. I told her I would love to do it, my place is small and no one wants to come here. Maybe we will invade Jennie’s house and cook there. She has plunty of space. Too bad she is a vegitarian! Oh well, I will suggest it anyway.
Well cat is being a real pest, trying to get me off the pc by licking my fingers and elbow! What a goof! The other one is on the floor, curled up like a baby, cute as can be, can’t stand them! I love them so much, even though they woke me up for food that they didn’t eat!
ok, get moving!
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi BETTIE!  Sorry your feeling a little blue today! Stay motavated.  Your post helped me and now Im feeling better. Thanks for your support.   Sister having Thanksgiving at her house since we live in a small condo’s.  Those cats, ours wakes us up when she can’t wait one more minute to be feed.  Soo spoiled.  Waits by door around the time hubby gets home from work.  God forbid if he’s a few minutes late, starts crying and looking around for him.  His little baby.  Haven’t gambled day 5!  Don’t want it in my life.  Don’t know if I would be in this place if I had’nt found this site and all of you.  Have a good day Bettie!!!  Sending you hugsssss!  Your a awesome person, don’t ever forget that!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[p]

Hi Bettie
Hope you are feeling better soon, you are a great help to other people here and you are getting through gamble free so think of how much worse your life could be if you were still at those machines… good on you bettie, had to laugh at the cats, i know what you mean, love my puddys soooo much.. they are so wonderful.. one dive bombs me in the mornings to get me up, its usually still dark!!! but i dont mind i wake very early.. mine are very spoilt too only i think i may be in trouble with the next vet visit, they are both little fatties.. hehe bit like their owner at the moment.. working on that one too hhaha. one thing at a time one day at a time though i guess.. have a good day bettie and i really enjoy chatting in groups with you, see you soon
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I got over my blues quckly yesterday morning only to be put down an made it feel like a worthless piece of  *ss!
I’ll not bore you with the details, would take too long, but you know when I’m upset like this is has to do with some worthless piece of cr*p involved with my life!
My "friend" called, needed a ride. We talked in the car and my CG came up. He tells me that’s why I will never have a boyfriend, that no man would accept my financial situtation and my CG. I asked him was I suposted to do? Lie? It’s not like it was something I would bring up on a first date. Am i suposted to "buy" some love? What does that have to do with anything? I can take care of myself, really, I always have.
Nothing like having someone remind you what a pitufil mess your life is. Why do I even bother?
Need to suck up the tears and get ready for work. Put on the mask that I wear for the world to see and get on with it.
I just want to crawl into a hole, and make the world go away.
bettie

[vera]

Hi B!
Why should you crawl into a hole if some waster made you feel less than WE KNOW you are….?
Try not to set yourself up for negative stimuli!
Cgs are good at that.
Hold your head high B!
Come back smiling!

[howanan]

Hi Bettie,  If your "so called" friend thinks like that then this person is not a friend.  A friend will encourage you not put you down.  At least you had the car and was giving that person a lift. You are not a looser.  You have an addiction that you are putting to rest.  Don’t let this negativity get you down.  The first thing to fighting this addiction is to love yourself.  Hope you have a happy day……………Nancy

[lizbeth4]

Bettie we all know what a great person you are!  Don’t let someone’s negativity get you down.  Obviously your friend has issues or would not be bringing you down.  Keep your head up!!  I think your awesome!!Seize all the good things in life

[ej]

Bettie…..recovery is somewhat complex..just when u think life is good..a wave of tests comes ur way..I guess it must be the peeling of the onion..just another test to say f it and go gambling..breathe and get grounded you are doing a good job and you are a good person..take care of you..PEACe eric

[bettie]

Thanks my friends,
Maybe this is the wake up call i need. Stupid to feel this way. He’s no prize and really he has NOTHING financally and dares to critize my little condo. I have 10 times the matarial things he has. But I don’t think like that. I’m not materiealistic like that and I don’t judge people by what they have, it’s who they are that matters.
Maybe someday I will be truely happy. I would imagine petty people like that are never truely happy. I pitty him.
peace
bettie– 11/14/2010 12:27:38 AM: post edited by bettie.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

…  no man would accept my financial situtation and my CG …

Good evening Betty, just a note to say hello and reinforce the fact found in today’s topic in the Our Daily Bread site; that is, we are all significant no matter how we may feel or even how others might think.  The opinion of the guy you know, comes from him not knowing you, and not even wanting to really know you; from him only wanting to drag you down to his level. 
I don’t recall if you were in the chat room the other day when I talked about the key speaker at the GA conference I attended last week, but I will repeat part of her story here. While on a plane a few years ago she was talking to the passenger next to her and it came out that she was on her way to an earlier GA conference. Because of her honesty and outspoken confidence in her recovery, he became interested in the person she was; not turned off by the person that she was evolving from. The bottom line was that they were later married.  She was accepted for what she was.  
I am not recommending that you take a plane trip somewhere, but am saying that with you continuing on this trip of being gambling free, you can be the person a true friend sees in you.
God’s speed. Stay strong.   LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[p]

Hi Bettie
Hope you are feeling better now and it looks like you have given this some thought.. we can all say ditch the guy but its like wanting to stop gambling, you have to want to do it yourself.. I think you are awesome.. your personality shines through on these pages.. many times you have helped other people here, including myself and seem like a very giving person.. I like the Bettie you are.. be proud of yourself.. you are doing an awesome on job on the no gambling front.. see you soon
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Day 88,
The frustration in my day to day gets to me sometimes. When you feel physicaly alone, and in fact are physicaly alone, the mind games start and my "CG" seems to take over. Pity, hate, desperation, depression, the truly ugly parts of life just seem overwhelming. I have things I can do, but just like early recovery, I only want to gamble, and do nothing else.
I’m at a point where i am suceeding in gambling abstinence but feel like a fraud when it comes to recovery. I don’t want to have to do this. I don’t want to have to work for it. I just want it to come to me, no strings attached. I am lazy, and tired, so so tired. The pain and the worthless feelings are only compounded by the people I let drag me down. Maybe thats it. Maybe by belittling me they can keep me under their thumb, a pawn for the taking, and using, because I am there when they need me. They control me with their low opinion of me, and keep me coming back for mistreatment. Body, mind and soul.
I don’t know when I will sober up to the fact that maybe I am suppost to be alone. God knows I’ve been alone for years, even being with the so called male friends I had in the past 3 years. They never wanted to be part of my life and made that clear up front. I just thought somehow, when I smothered them with my affection and treated them like Kings, I could make them love me. Somehow they could replace the self loathing, the loneliness, only to have it return and compounded, when they left me for the things really inportaint in their lives, lives I could never be a part of. Things that would never include me. What a great ready made excuse to run to the casino. I did that hundreds of times.
Knowledge is power. I need to wipe the slate clean and be reborn, somehow.
Thanks for the well wishes and points of view. They help, really they do.
I will not gamble today. It’s the only promise I will make to myself today. I have enough pain to last 2 lifetimes, I just don’t need anymore.
bettie
 

[vera]

Hi B!
Well done on not taking the negative route to the casino!
I’m very aware of that feeling that NOTHING compares to gambling ( I sometimes listen to Sinead O’ Connor’s version of NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU and claim it as my gambling theme song).
Bettie, I think you don’t need me to point out how you are replacing one " addiction" with another.
Gambling and "bad company" are the two methods you use when you feel low. They are a form of self abuse. Try to rise above it B. Its not easy. I know because I’ve been there, done that, But we have a duty to ourselves to start a better life.
I force myself to buy something for myself when I go shopping, and a voice keeps saying " you don’t deserve it, you don’t deserve anything!"
Who conditioned us to believe that nonsense B?
When you change, EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY changes……

[ej]

Bettie…..hi there…read ur post and it hit me i am going through the same process and what my counsellor pointed out to me it is part of the recovery stages and this stage if you allow me is called the bargaining stage and then depression stage..where sub consciously I am looking for a reason to go back to gambling..crazy disease or sickness I have like they say in the program its cunning, baffling and powerful…I loved gambling the noise the excitement the escape but forget the consequences…have friends that quit drinking and start and ask them why and they said being sober was boring and being clean from gambling for 6 and a half monthe feels like that sometimes and going through the stages of recovery is not fun too but realize my higher power just give us so much to handle and it is part of the process to become better..like someone said on one post..easy does it…and the elders say be thankful..count ur blessings…pat yourself on the back..you are doing good and you have come a long way …breathe in faith and exhale fear…its a beautiful day…eric

[female g]

hey Bettie, Please forgive me but you confuse me. I feel you are so positive and helpful smart and confident in your advice but when i read your posts its quite different when you speak of yourself.  This is what needs to be different and i think acceptance is one way to go.  Don’t pile up the things you would like to see changed because before you know it that mountain will never be climbed.  Just look at one thing at a time you would like to improve on and do it until you really feel as though you have fixed it and then move on. Who knows Bettie once you work on those things you want to change you will attract the right people that want to be apart of your life and won’t ever leave you again. you have so much more to offer than you know yourself and I feel it when ever your involved in conversation or in responding to others posts.  I just think your great even with your flaws.  After all aren’t we all flawed and in need of some personal work at all times G

[p]

Bettie
Oh my god BETTIE!!!! I read your post and i feel so so sad for you right now.. you are struggling girl but you know you will get through.. have a big sleep and wake up to a new day and a new you.. Bettie you are so supportive of others, let us be a support to you too and believe us when we say you are not those things that you feel.. things will get better, look after you bettie and do something nice for yourself.. you do deserve it and never think otherwise.. can you get to a counsellor or seek some professional help to talk about these things that are going on, you deserve so much more than you are settling for.. better to be alone bettie than with someone who is taking you for a ride.. be strong, dont make yourself so available to him, be busy… you are worth it.. when he sees the changes in you, when you show you really dont care what he is doing then his attitude will probably change.. he probably loves the fact you are there.. be unavailable bettie and get things in your life that are good for you.. i feel like wrapping you up in a big fluffy blanket and sitting you down in front of a movie with a hot chocolate so you feel all snuggly and warm and cared for.. in my mind this is how i am seeing you .. i am wrapping you up in a big bundle of warm and fuzzy feelings in my mind and hoping that a smidge of it gets through to you…
keep posting, hope to see you soon
 P – Living and Learning

[howanan]

Bettie,  You probably feel that any friend is better then none.  Someone to talk to, etc.  It took my over 25 years to stop my friendship with my friend.  I finally realized that I was the friend and she was the user.  I haven’t heard from her since June.  While writing out Christmas cards yesterday, I was undecided whether to send her one.  But I am.  She lives alone and her adult children seldom visit her or give her Christmas or Birthday presents.  But, I don’t want that friendship back.  I am better off without that kind of friendship.  Do I miss her.  Yep, but I don’t miss being used.
Like everyone else said, you are good person with low self-esteem.  Work on that, learn to love yourself just as you are.  Don’t be available for your friend everytime he decides he wants to see you.  Find something else to do even if it is just going to the library or book store.  You don’t really need him, he needs you.
Wishing you a very special day …….Nancy

[bettie]

I saw somewhere that if we all stood in a circle and tossed out our troubles in for the world to see, we would want our own problems back.
I see so many wonderful people here. I see their grief and struggle and decide in my mind they don’t deserve it. Life’s not fair to them. I can see their beauty. I can see their kind nature. I can feel their pain as they struggle to put it into words. I want to help.
I see the same things in myself. The only difference is while I feel they don’t deserve whats going on somehow I do.
My mind flashes back to things in my past, things I am ashamed I was a party to, things I allowed to happen. I flip into victim mode, and victimism myself over and over again.
I keep thinking I am past that. I know all the words. I know I’m not that person anymore. It’s like working a jigsaw puzzle, at this point I’ve found the corners and some of the edges, but have yet to even begin to fill it in.
Today I start new. Today I work on finding the missing pieces, to put the whole picture together. Time, no rushing here, I need to work on the quality and stop trying to force the pieces to fit.
You guys are all so wonderful and I count you all amoung the good pieces that I want in my puzzle.
Today I will give myself a break and not be so hard on myself.
Thanks for all the good advice. I love you all.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hope this evening finds you all well. I had a nice day. ( How often do you hear that?) I am on top of my goal right now, right on pace. With more hard work and a little luck, lol, I will make,  failure is not an option. The manager had to post my name on the leader board and I know that just killed my co worker, as it is usually him so na na na na na na!
Am I acting like a 2 year old or what?
Jen is now hobbling around in her soft cast, her foot is broken, and I have some grand dog duty. I don’t mind, I love those little bad boys.
My "friend" called today, asking how my weekend was. It was fine, I told him then asked what he really called for. Was going to ask me something but forgot. Well, gotta go. Click.
It’s easy to ignore him now but I need to have the real talk with him. I need him to know I will no longer accept the "relationship" we have had in the past. I need to stand up for myself. If not me then who?
I will wake up to 90 clean days tomorrow. I have had many trials to get here. I worked for it. I earned it d*mn it! And I am pleased as punch about it!
What will the next 90 be like? Too much to think about. I plan to forget about it, as much as I can, and concern myself odaat.
Every day is day one.
So many posts to read. So many wonderful friends to catch up with. Thank you guys! Where would I be now with out you? I can’t even imagine….
peace
bettie

[ej]

Bettie proud of you the big 90..one day at a time adds up..just wanted to say I like your posts keeps me on my toes eh..its NAAW week here..national addiction awareness week and they are having a raffle haha thought that was wild..gambling is a hidden disease especially in a small town..well take care and keep on trucking..eric

[kathryn]

Oh Bettie,
90 days…i am so proud of you.  You have come along way and you deserve the credit for it.  You are a very special member here, and im very fortunate to call you my friend.  Keep taking that day at a time attitude, it will take you a long way. 
With love, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[pp]

Hi Bettie
Congrats on the 90 days!! You have done an awesome job.. Hope you reward yourself with something nice.. look forward to seeing you on group
P – Living and Learning
Oh by the way I am not posting from my normal thread as i am locked out again from my other user account, dont quite understand but its having technical issues but can sign in with this one..
 

[kin]

Originally posted by bettie

I will wake up to 90 clean days tomorrow. I have had many trials to get here. I worked for it. I earned it d*mn it! And I am pleased as punch about it!
What will the next 90 be like? Too much to think about. I plan to forget about it, as much as I can, and concern myself odaat.
Every day is day one.
peace
bettie

Dear Bettie,
Congratulation on achieving your  90 clean days !!!
CG stop all the times but the trick is staying stop
you have really shown us how it should be done in the first 90 days
This is what real recovery is all about,
the gambling has stop but the real living problems did not.
Recovery is all about doing things differently
It is about facing life on life‘s term
Do not be too concern about the next 90 days
It is the same like any other day
Like the first day in recovery
We are this close to the next bet
We still need to earn every single day one day at a time
It still require effort and vigilant to stay stop
Thank you so much, your presence in here help me
Best regards
Kin
 

[bettie]

WoW Guys!
Thanks so much! Cold rainy lovely day here! I was looking for this message, I have posted it before but it means alot to me so I wanted to repeat it today. It is importaint. I know it’s long and a lot to digest but I am starting to get it. I wouldn’t be here without your support. I thank you!
peace
bettie

ENOUGH
A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK.
(They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh,what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive,how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard
the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love…. and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms… just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely…

You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK…. and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want…and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch… and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve… and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time… FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful
and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God (whatever you believe him/her to be) by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

— AUTHOR UNKNOWN

 

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… failure is not an option …
… I will wake up to 90 clean days tomorrow …
… What will the next 90 be like? …

Good  morning Betty,
It is the tomorrow yo were looking forward last night – WELL DONE! 
Failure is not an option in the gambling part of your endeavors either, stay strong and continue working on recovery not only staying gambling free ODAAT. I have found that my working a recovery program has help is all aspects of my life, not just the gambling.
For some guidelines on continuing with your recovery GA has a pamphlet, "Beyond 90 Days", look through it and use all that will help in the "one days" to come:  http://www.gachicago.org/beyond.html.
Again, well done. God’s speed. Keep aware.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[sick of gambling]

Bettie – wow 90 days!  You are awesome girl.  Continue taking it one day at a time.  You are well on your way to a wonderful new life.  I’m proud of you done4good

[bettie]

Had to laugh today.
My first customer came in with a check from the state lottery! Well, it was nice, glad to see someone get something but in reality, how much did it cost her? I ( my cg curosity ) had to know, was she a gambler, was she cg? She talked of how her family didn’t want to go to Vegas with her anymore, and how she played the lotto. Then I looked at her account. Overdrawn, casino atm withdrawls. i wonder how long her little savings will last. I wish her the best.
My cg fireman buddy called today too. "Whats my account looking like?" He got paid today but it barely covered his gambling overdrafts. His car payment is in too. "Well XXXX, your car payment is going back ( 2nd time this month ).
"Ok I’ll get some money. Have you been to the boat? " No xxxx, not for months. "really?" Yes, I’m done giving them my money. "Realy?" Yes xxxx, there is help for this kind of thing. "Oh, well have a good night."
I’m so glad that is not my life today!
peace
bettie

[mobikom]

Gre8t work Bettie …Keep it up.."You cannot change the system but you can change who you are"."I would not gamble with money i do not have" and "Make promises i can’t keep".

[lizbeth4]

90 days your awesome!!  Nice chat tonight.  Be proud of yourself!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

hey, someone go to work for me! I so want to jump back into bed! Don’t feel well, but should drag my butt to work. Have a loan closing for my asst manager today but I don’t know. My head is swiming. Took pain med’s on an empty stomach so that didn’t help. Will make my choice soon. They don’t apreceate when I come into work not feeling well. and don’t give me a break when I do. So why do I do it?
Martyr symdrome I think. Need to remember martyr’s  are burned at the stake!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

ok, I made it. Turned into a productive day after all. Getting closer to that goal, could maybe even make a little money this quarter.
I have 9 days off left. Manager managed to hog up all the premum time so i asked if i could carry time over to the 1st  of january and he said ok. Don’t know if he’ll give me an additional day off next week, I am entitled to one but he may make me carry that over too. I hope not. If he does maybe I will just call off monday, we’ll see.
Little grief hit me on the way home. I started missing my " friend". I know he’s so gawd awful but here I sit, talking to myself on this thread. Then I had a gambling urge. Funny how the emotions go hand in hand.
I spent $52 dollars on two littls bags of grocerys but I had the cash and that felt good. Bought my daughter a Tofurky for Thanksgiving, $10 bucks! The real bird won’t cost much more than that but it’s once a year and I could afford it this year! ( Tofu "turkey flavored," for the veggie kid of mine )
Hey, were your relatives at the first US Thanksgiving? Mine were. Then we ravaged the nation, blah, blah, blah….lol!
Just call me pilgrim bettie, at least until after next week!
peace
pilgrim bettie
ps this post is what happens when u take pain killers all day long, just a little out of it and all over the place
 

[female g]

well good on you for being deligent and spending a little money on thanksgiving. You truly are a pilgrim even going as far as to buy a tofu turkey for you daughter.  I hope she appreciates the gester.  Let that man be just a passing thought just like the urge to go the casino. 90 days and counting that is fantastic news.G

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!  Didn’t know that a tofu turkey exsisted.  Thanks for your post, my cg friend has barely talked to me, but that’s okay. I knew that could be the outcome.  She is close to foreclosure, can barely survive.  She barely works, although she has a great job.  She’s afraid, like I was.  Can’t change anyone else, I only in charge of my destiny.  Glad to hear you had a productive day at work.  Take care!Seize all the good things in life

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, got cut off from chat, was almost over anyway.  Was glad to see you and k there.  You guys are great.  Have a good day!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

wondered why u didn’t say goodbye! lol!
May ban Michigan today. Can’t go alone so my ex gambling buddy said she would go with me. depending on when she gets done with some errands.
Such mixed emotions! I know it’s for the best but so hard to face the facts. Silly isn’t it? My cg head says don’t do it! My brain says do it and be done with it! Stop torturing yourself!
I hope she can go. I am bargening in my brain, if she can’t then you should get one last gamble in. Why would I do that? What is the point? I would waste the money I have for the holidays, and I have very little cash, so where would that money come from? Barriers, that does slow you down! Maybe I need to go back to bed and start this day over.
Sorry guys, just thinking out loud!
peace
bettie

[alice]

Hey Bettie,
It took me 6 months from being told that I could self exclude from casinos to actually doing it. Like you my brain was saying go and do it that way you won’t have to battle with temptations but my cg head was telling me all kinds of things such as: but what if you want to go in with friends just for a drink, if you exclude yourself you’re not really stopping gambling yourself, where’s your will power come into this if you exclude you’re just proving to yourself you’re weak and what if you just want one more little bet. They came thick and fast. Any excuse out there and I would latch onto it. In the end I told my cg brain yes it’s right I am weak when it comes to not being able to gamble and my will power is very weak but if I don’t exclude myself then i’m just being weaker. I told my cg brain that I was going to control it rather than it controlling me and I went and did it. I was sooooo relieved. Was THE single best thing I’ve done in my recovery. When it comes to stopping gambling will power is often not enough for anyone. Giving yourself that breathing space is what you need so that you can take a step back from gambling to then begin to work on the issues that may have caused you to gamble in the first place and the issues that have arose because of the gambling. I think you know all of this already just can be helpful to hear it from someone else from time to time to strengthen that brain of yours and weaken the cg head.
Hope it all goes well.
alice x"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

[ej]

Bettie…a comedian who is a First Nation person said ..if columbus was looking for Turkey we could have been called Turkeys..haha laughter heals…aaah for myself feels like I am stuck…been seven months clean…lately in the evenings…that is when I use to gamble online poker….I find myself restless and bored ..could do some cleaning but no energy or do not want to do it…playing chess online but that rush ended..so what I have been doing is visiting my friend that gambles online and watch him play..him and his son both playing poker online in their living room..yesterday the son had to leave and he asked me to take over his game and his Dad was doing something and his thing was waiting for him to bet or fold ….just about said yes to both actions and that day another gambling aquaintance asked me or invited me to a poker game said no but he was very persistent come on..nobody will know..told sorry and later on that night he called me and kept asking………..said naa….walking back home from my friend thought about saying f it and jump back in…crazy thinking…trying to look at where it is coming from…lonely no friends,no partner,family problems poor poor me pour me a drink or in this case deal me some cards escape from reality..looks like they are having fun but they look rough that is what I see no disrespect…do I want to go back there where all my time is involved in this disease plus the financial mental physical emotional..how easy do i forget the bottom i hit….years and years I have gambled aware it will take one moment at a time to feel comfortable but its that gambling thought you know all or nothing  want it right now question is what I want..not gamble and be happy so accept it…its part of the learning curve or phase..thanks for listening had to get it out of my system..peace  eric

[bettie]

Well guys the native Americans of the Pokagon Nations In Michagan must have found out my Mayflower roots as i am NO LONGER WELCOME TO GO THEIR CASINO! I AM BANNED!!!!
Took me long enough didn’t it?
Sad to say they only do one year but thats ok, Unless i request a hearing the ban stays so that will work for me. i took my ex gambling buddy with me to ban. FYI don’t take an active gambler to do this. lol! She was taking her time walking through looking around. Was planning to drop some bucks I think but i told her they would most likely escort me out the door and I didn’t want to leave her two states from home! She went to the rest room, leaving me on the casino floor. I opted to get some drinks, pop and coffee, to keep my hands full. Bells and coin sounds all around me, walking past a favorite machine, it was like a cg nightmare! I wanted to say lets just play and do this next time, but i managed to take the drinks into the ladies room, heart beating through my chest, and stayed put until she was done.
As luck would have it, (luck, lol!) the guard station and the gaming board person were only a few feet away. Quick, easy, even made jokes on how we tore the casinos up in our prime! I had to take a picture, told my friend that was the worst part of it, sign a paper, and got my guard escort to my car.
That sense of reilef again. My cg fought me tooth and nail but I did it! I WON!!!
Thanks for the reminder Alice. Eric, I am so concerned about your friend’s playing around you. I told my friend how she was never to discuss her gambling with me, because I wanted to hear it and it really gave me urges to go. She promised, don’t ask don’t tell! EJ, you could gamble but what would it give you besides an empty bank account? I am lonely too but now I have no choice but to find something to do. I hope u have a blocker on your pc if thats an issue. I keep seeing a free one mentioned, k9? Worth a look ok?
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!  You are a winner!!!  Will ban last 2 this Saturday.  My favorite casino was the hardest, I wanted to gamble soo bad, but took no money, cards with me.(the other 3 didn’t bother me) Can only ban 1 year.  I’m sorry your lonely, sending you hugsssssssss  Know I haven’t known you long but I know that you are one awesome lady. Stay strong, Day 12Seize all the good things in life

[female g]

Good on you Bettie and I can imagine how hard it was not to gamble . What strength you have and such control just goes to show the rest of us how far you have come.G

[غير معروف]

I’m very proud of you Betty…..keep up the good work, I knew you could do it all along.If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

Lizbeth, G, JULES, (so nice to see your name!) and everyone, thanks so much!
need to get ready for work. GA tonight then I hope to get on the chat around 9pm central.
Have a great one!
peace
bettie

[howanan]

Great Job Bettie… We all know how hard that was………….Nancy

[p]

Hi Bettie
So proud of you girl!!! fantastic on the banning.. one more step in the right direction, you are taking lots of those so be proud of yourself miss over 90 days now.. hehe, see you soon Bettie, how exciting Jules is back wooohooo,
 P – Living and Learning

[alice]

Hey Bettie,
I’m sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo pleased to hear you have managed to self exclude from michigan! Congratulations! K9 is a free blocker and I’ve heard some good things about it! I discovered it myself when looking for a blocker for Ob that would work for the Applemac. It certainly won’t hurt for you to try it!
I’m so proud of you hun!
Alice x"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

[bettie]

Hey Guys!
Thanks So So much for the posts! You all made my day!
Didn’t make it to the chat at 9, met a new lady at GA tonight. As what is said there stays there I won’t tell her story, and I hope to see her here telling it herself. We went to dinner and talked quite a bit. Feel like i "know" her even though I don’t "know" her. I just wanted to support her and she gave support right back, even though right now she doesn’t realize it.
L if you read this I’m thinking about you!
Have to go to bed!
Hope to see u all on the chat.
peace
bettie
 

[lizbeth4]

That’s awesome that you connected with someone in GA.  Hope to see you on chat tonight.  Day 14

[female g]

new friends new beginnings good for you Bettie. Someone to support you and that you can support too. REally nice!!!G
 

[p]

Hi Bettie
Was so pleased to see you went to GA and you met a friend… that’s great.. you sound better Bettie, hope this day brings you something nice
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well yet another saturday night at home but guess what? I don’t care! I am tired, went out to lunch, bought cleaning supplies and cat food and want to start cleaning. I am off Monday so I want to be free to shop for Thanksgiving and bake some pumpkin pies. I really cook the pumpkin and make them from scratch. i think I am the only one who really likes them but too bad, It’s once a year and everyone can fake it for all I care, lol!
Still reeling from my ga meeting.It was so emotional, another newbee came with her daughters, didn’t say much, but I could see the pain and feel it. I just want everyone to be well you know? I am enjoying my banning honeymoon so even being alone feels good, it all feels good!
Well sitting here is getting nothing done! I want to work for an hour and see where it gets me. If I can get down to dusting and wash it will be a great accomplishment!
I’ll be back on chat later,
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

What a chat!  Glad you were there.  Don’t you ever forget what a fantastic person you are.  Thks for all the help!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

ok kids, Listerine and smurfs, discuss!
just an inside joke, you should have been on the chat!
Lizbeth, SoG,and of course Vtc, thanks! You guys crack me up!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Ok, not fair! I drempt about "him" last night and woke up with a Bee Gee’s song "Don’t throw it all away" ( our love )
What love?
Let me dream of something else!
And I can’t get that d*mned song out of my head!
Gonna turn the radio on, start the wash, and get my day started.
peace
bettie

[sick of gambling]

Bettie – really enjoyed the chat last night.  I was laughing out loud.  Have a great week! done4good

[bettie]

Oh d*mn, he called, i picked up! I am so weak, I just wanted to hear what he had to say.
He’s leaving to go out of town, needed some banking info. So typical of him. I got down to business.( I’ve had over a week to think about what I would say) I let him know how cruel he was. He didn’t mean it that way. Well, explain what u ment then. He didn’t mean to make me feel bad. I told him he was making judgements on my life which he had no right to do, that he returned my kindness with cruelty, and that friends were supost to support each other, not tear each other down. Besides, as bad as it has been I STill own my home, car, have some retirement funds, social security ( well maybe ) insurance and credit, things of which he has none. I also told him that I was happy with my little condo, and I will own it outright one day. I would always be happier than him because I am grateful for what I have and don’t lust after what I don’t. Yes, nice things are nice to have, and if I want those things I would have to worker harder for to get them.
He told me I made him feel bad. Oh well, I didn’t mean to make him feel bad!
Hard to take your own medicine!
getting stronger
peace
bettie

[vera]

B, I think if HE needed some info on banking business, I would have referred him to the bank!
Why call you? I would say his real motive was to find out if he could still press the same old buttons.
Sorry, but he DID!
My quess is, he ll be back !
Just like the gambling demon. Addictions need to be starved,not fed!
But you know that already!

[bettie]

Hi Guys, hi Vera,
After the call, right at my bed time, I was wide awake. I came in the chat to find the lovely Ms G here. We chatted about this and that. I told her if I dared intertain the thought of company you would have my head! I shut my phone off and went to bed.
You of course are right about him. But he’s not back. Three nice things, he has to show me three nice thinks that he’s done for me over 3 long years. He won’t be able to come up with any. Because he never has. The door is shut, just need to add a dead bolt lock to it. I will never be whole until I can stand up for myself.
What in the world does this have to do with gambling? Everything.
Lack of worth, discust, pain, sorrow, defeat, hurt feelings. The list goes on. I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. It’s starting to get old.
So that’s off my chest, I need to start my day. Got on the scale, ug! Baking today, perfect combo! Well that will keep me from tasting the pies. A little workout will bring my spirits up. Maybe chat in an hour or so. I’m off today. I refuse to be down. Attitude is everything. Fake it till u make it.
catch u soon
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… What in the world does this have to do with gambling? Everything. …

Good morning Betty,
I just posted to Kathryn about her post on life, and coming here your statement above pops out to me. Just to let you know that you are one of those included in the "others" I mention (there are many).  Getting things off our chest and sharing in our lives, has everything to do about our recovery.
A good song for today for you would be from South Pacific, "I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair", and keep the soap out of yours eyes while you are doing it – no reason for tears.
And a note about pumpkin pie; I make mine from scratch also, although I have cheated a few times and used "store bought" crust.  I am on my way to visit my sister-in-law, my nice’s mother, now; she always was able to make perfect crust.
God’s speed. Stay strong.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[finding_laura]

Hi miss Bettie,
I’ve been reading and reading and now I’m tuckered out.  A great big wohooooooooooo on your banning!  I can’t believe you were in the middle of the clinging and clanging!  Good job done. 
My dear B, I can hear that your sense of self worth is growing.  And why shouldn’t it?  Be proud of youself and the caring person that you are.  And as Ken would say, remember the B words.  Boundaries is a big one for me.  We define the boundaries of how we are treated.  A good one for me to remember too.
Hope the pies turn out!
Laura

[bettie]

Well Kids,
hope you really didn’t want the real pumpkin pie! I baked them , so beautiful, went shopping, dropped off the bird at Jennies, sat down to love on the granddogs and it dawned on me, I DIDN"T PUT ANY SUGAR IN THE PIE! What was i thinking! I looked at the ingredent list over and over. I knew I was missing something! Oh well, got to rebake the pies tonight with the canned pumpkin i bought!
Murphy’s law, No good deed ever goes unpunished! lol!!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Happy Thanksgiving Bettie!  Day 16Seize all the good things in life

[celal42]

Betty first of all i suggest you go to church or mosque visit them and talk dont say anything.
And we are all same i spent 6000 gbp on gambling in 4 years.i am still having difficulty forgetting this.
And we must make a group therapy in a public pub or restaurant we will try and see face to face is better than net
MAIN THING IS THE WAY WE LIVE SECOND IS LONELY.WE MUST BEAT THEM

[bettie]

Goodmorning Guys,
Burrrrrrrrrrr! Below freezing here today! must decide what to out on and get ready for work.
Celal42, welcome! Start a thread and tell us about you!
Well I’m out of here, catch u later!
peace
bettie

[finding_laura]

Morning B,
going shopping for groceries with hubby.  Hopefully a non eventful day in the works.  I didn’t realize yesterday was your thansgiving.  I wasn’t very with it last night in chat.  Tired out i think.  So happy belated Thanksgiving.  I am thankful to have met you. 
Laura

[bettie]

Hey Laura,
Just a quick note. Thanksgiving is Thursday, I have to work today and tomorrow. I’m cooking at jennies but try to do a little ahead of time if possible.
Thanks for the well wishes!
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Been thinking of you Bettie.  Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, friend.Seize all the good things in life

[lizbeth4]

Yes Bettie, let them come to me, was my thought too.  Don’t really want to be in the middle of all that mess.  Son-in-law has come to me before, he’s more willing to tell me problems and ask for advice.  Daughter, like me, thinks she can work out her problems by herself.  Just worried how this affects my Grandson, he’s very aware when something is wrong.  Funny story: he’d been with me for 3 days, and he tells me everything that’s going on in his life.  Waited till my daughter came to pick him up, and told me in front of her that Mom and Dad have been arguing alot.  It was like he wanted my daughter to know that I knew.  His and my bond goes deep, my husband and I raised him the first 2 years of his life, we had custody of him. His parents had major problems, and were in a place where no child should be in.  They both got their lives together, which I’m soo thankful for.  Both working, and going to school to better themselves.  Daughter got BA in May, and is now getting her masters.  So, our relationship has been strained, we have come along way this past 2 1/2 years.  They are great parents now.  We have him with us 3 days a week, sometimes more, anytime they need us.  Although, hes really my Grandson, I feel like he’s my son.  Im sorry about going on about this but I feel like I can tell you anything.  Will stay out of they’re business unless Grandson says something to alarm me. Thanks for listening.  Day 17Seize all the good things in life

[p]

Hi Bettie
Hows things going with you today.. just popping in to say hi
 P – Living and Learning

[lizbeth4]

Was good seeing you on chat, having a piece of pumpkin pie right now!! Happy Thanksgiving!!1Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi P, Lizbeth, Hi all!!
Well the new pies are better, i ate 1/4 of one already! I will not have any clothes to ware by the time the holidays are over!
I have been taking inventory of my life this year. Wow, what doesn’t kill u does make u stronger! No joke!
I see those rough spots, and the pain assocated with them , and realize that with the pain comes wisdom, the tears bring cleansing, and the fog is lifting. I feel manic sometimes and don’t know if thats "normal" because I don’t know what "normal"is. I have a peaceful feeling and don’t quite feel so bad or lonely when I am alone. Am I growing up or just kidding myself? Last week I felt like I was a fraud, and if i had the means I would gamble as that was the only thing keeping me from it. Was that depression or hormones or what? Well I guess thats what they mean by odaat. Each day is its own, with it’s own unique set of problems or pleasures, fears or joy.
I can’t control what happens for the most part but it’s my choice what I choose to do about it.
wishing you peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[female g]

just wanted to wish you and your loved ones happy ThanksgivingG

[kathryn]

Great positive post Bettie,
You are right, we can choose how we cope, and i think without the addiction in the way its a hell of a lot easier to make those choices with a clear head.
You are doing so wonderfully well, you are a wonderful member of this  community, and i feel very blessed to know you!
I do wish i could have some of your pumpkin pie though, even with tinned pumpkin ( i have NEVER heard of that, just like the dill pickle chips…lol)
Take care my friend,
Love Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[vera]

Who’s this "wise woman"?
Maybe you are just getting to know the real "B" Bettie. The B you were running away from for so long!

[sick of gambling]

Bettie – just read your post about the pumpkin pie.  Did the same thing myself a couple of years ago – OMG it was awful. Nothing like having your mouth set for a piece of pie and biting into it realizing there was not sugar in it.  Plus I didn’t realize it until I served it for dessert at Thanksgiving, LOL.  Anyway, finished baking my pies today and looking forward to a day of eating and relaxing tomorrow.  Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving – will look for you on chat this weekend. done4good

[bettie]

Hi G, K, V and S, and of course all my gt buddies!
Well busy day at work. My brother called to go to dinner and a little Christmas shopping. Didn’t feel like it but I did. I had a fews bucks, i got a Christmas gift from one of my customers, she was quite generous! I bought 2 new pairs of strappy pumps and my feet are screaming ( But d*mn, they are cute! lol!). Finished paying for the Thanksgiving feast and bought 3 additional gifts at the book store we went to. Decided to try to sneak off to the recovery book section, I haven’t been in a bookstore in forever. I saw a couple that looked interesting, One Called " Why men love B*tch*s" or something to that effect. See, I am way too nice and thats whats wrong! lol! Oh well, I was looking for recovery books and my brother was right behind me so I had to move on. I looked to the cart on my left with books to restock and guess what I saw? A poker book on "How to win, and what they don’t want u to know!" LOL! Should have read that one YEARS ago and maybe I wouldn’t NEED the recovery book!! ( kidding!)
Have a nice Thanksgiving, I need to get to bed!!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Bettie, I’m good, thanks for posting.  Have a great day with your daughter!  Day 18-guess what?  Didn’t think about gambling today!Seize all the good things in life

[p]

Hi Bettie
Sounds like you are in high spirits, shoe shopping seems like good therapy haha.. i will have to try it though anything with a heel and i would break my neck for sure..  hehe.. glad you are sounding happy and you always give me a giggle through your posts.. have a good day
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh I an so pooped out! TOO MUCH FOOD! I will need to stay off the scale for a few days as that could cause a major crying session or a big hole in the wall, when I throw the scale against it! lol!
To bed soon. i would just be lying there now except i gave up smoking in bed years ago.
see u soon!
bettie

[eyesmar]

Hi Bettie,  Hope all is well.  Hope you had a great Happy Thanksgiving.  You are so inspirational in your writing.  Please keep it up for I love to read them.  I am going to try to get on Chat this weekend.  I hope I can catch up with you then.  I have been trying to get my lifffe in order.  I have settled with my ex-boss without any charges.  I am now waiting to get my Profit sharing Plan (whats left for me).  I am starting to get my urges back for I worry what and how I am going to by presents for my son.  I hope all will work out for the holidays.
Talk with you soon.I want to have my life back

[lizbeth4]

Sounds like you had a great Thanksgiving.  Me too!!  Staying away from the scales for awhile, ate soo much.  Have a good day!  Day 20Seize all the good things in life

[kwbwmom]

thank you for the kind words bettie! I’m glad to be back. I have so much to learn…. and I’m all ears this time!!!!!!!!!!!!"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

[p]

Hey Bettie
Good you had a nice thanksgiving.. think i just missed you on chat.. see you soon
 P – Living and Learning

[lizbeth4]

Went on chat a couple of times today hoping to catch you.  Day 21Seize all the good things in life

[lizbeth4]

Glad I finally caught up with you in chat.  Thanks for your inspiration.  You’ve really helped me alot. Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just taking a break from cleaning. Trying to fight off the blues,not real bad but you know they come and go. Hey KWB hope thats a connect issue and not me, lol!
The holidays, overrated a bit, reminds you of the simple things that never happened for you. I’ve never had a date for a party or an escort to a wedding reception. I can’t remember the last time I got a gift from a man. Funny, it’s not important, I know that, but around the holidays you kind of get that shoved in your face with every commercial, at every gathering, when you see couples walk down the street. I mourn for something I’ve never really had, and try not to think about it, but hard when it’s right there. Jealous, yes, bad, yes. I know behind closed doors things are seldom as they seem.  I have been involved in the "dark side" of a couple of those lovely couples, always #2. Never good enough for the #1 spot.
Stupid huh? I know. I am being thankless today. Well it’s out. And now i can move on.
bettie

[kwbwmom]

Oh Bettie… How I can relate. It’s funny in a weird way. Before this whole mess of divorce came up I never noticed "couples." Now they are everywhere I look. I even find myself looking at people’s ring finger and feel relief when I see someone who is not wearing a wedding ring. My intellectual mind tells me that I’m being flat out crazy. But my emotional mind thinks it is perfectly OK. Stupid emotional mind… sometimes I wish it would go away, but then I’d not be me. This is going to be a tough year for me for Christmas too. But something that helps put it in perspective for me is that 2 years ago I spent Christmas in the ICU ward with my mother. We were not sure if she was going to make it. She did thankfully and now I am trying to remember what Christmas is all about . FAMILY. That stuff on TV is definitely maddening to see. If only life was really a Norman Rockwell painting. But this year I am going to focus on my health. The gift I have given to myself, being gamble free, joining GA, being here on GT. My Christmas gift to me and really to my family was that I self banned from all the casinos. I’ve set blockers in place so that I can get on to the start the process of healing. I not good at alone time, never have been. What addict is. But this quiet time is giving me a chance to breathe for the first time in a long time.
As always your support is wonderful. And here’s to a good day!"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for all the chats this weekend. I got a few things done. got a mani-pedi, felt bad alout spending the money, should have bought a Christmas gift for someone. I did a little shopping with my brother, well eye buying I guess. Saw this great deal on flat screen tv’s, 300 to 500 bucks. Sad, i didn’t have the cash or credit to spair to buy one. I thought how many times, and not so long ago, I ransomed my future, found more money than that, and gave it to the casino.
For what?
I feel so bad about it. Kwb asked when we get over the guilt. I am afraid guilt is like fear, it freezes us in out tracts. I have to blow past this, work it out, because I feel sad and I don’t want to. I hate this, i was feeling so good and now this!I know it is normal to have grumpy days, my daughter told me i was a real crab today. I think the eating has alot to do with it. I think being alone has something to do with it too.
Growing up is not for the weak.
peace
bettie
note to Running Girl, so sorry to see your thread closed! You know where to find me. Don’t stay away too long!– 11/29/2010 4:13:38 AM: post edited by bettie.

[p]

Hi Bettie
That is good about the pedicure, soak it up chickadee you deserve it.. grumpy days are normal, who doesnt have one of those every  now and then
 P – Living and Learning

[sick of gambling]

Bettie – I’m so glad you answered the question about the number of fingers smurfs have.  Now I’ll be able to sleep tonite!  Have a good day! done4good

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, thanks about the smurf info.  Smurfs rule!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well i did take off today. I did a little cleaning and a little shopping. I made a long over due visit to an elderly lady friend who’s now in a nursing home. She’s been there almost a year and I have been neglectful in seeing her. It is hard, that place is so dreary and depressing. Shame on me, not visiting more. Poor thing, she has to live there. She needed a hair cut, she is the last of my customers from my hair dressing days, so I did that for her. We talked, well she talked and I listened. She said something so devastating to me. " I can’t believe I have to die here.’     It broke my heart. So the next time i am whining about my cr*ppy life I must remember that phrase. There are a lot of people that have it much worse than me.
Counting my blessings
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[female g]

Man I thought my computer was down and I wasn’t going to be able to check in on folks here.  I always try to figure things out without reading but that will teach me lol Once I read what was wrong it was a quick fix. Yes Bettie it is always good to recognize our good fortunes by seeing how hard others have things.  that should’t discount the difficulty you face either.  You are very nice to have gone to see your friend and make her feel better. Cutting her hair must have really cheered her up and cheered you up knowing you went out of your way to care. Good on you Bettie G

[kwbwmom]

Bettie,
Thank you for your post. You somehow make me laugh even when I am feeling my lowest. I want to thank you for you continued support and kindness. I truly appreciate this community of friends I have found, and you are a very special person! Thank you from the botttom of  my heart!"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

[lizbeth4]

Bettie, I read your post and I should be more grateful for all I have.  When you talked about the lady in the nursing home, I thought about my Grandmother.  How much I miss her, and how much she meant to me.  I’m realy down today, filled with anger, wheres this coming from?  Why can’t I just be happy, I do have alot to be thankful for.  I’m just in a weird place right now, don’t know where it’s coming from. Any advice?  Have a great day Bettie.Seize all the good things in life

[lizbeth4]

Thanks bettie, your words always comfort me. Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

hey Lizbeth, Pp,
Page two has my weight loss story. I do feel a bit like a hypocrite because I have gained this year, up 15, down 10, back up 7 but I must give myself a break. Recovery is hard enough but the weight is a matter of life and death for me. I will get back on track. I know how to eat, most of us do too. Daily excessive is necessary, it doesn’t have to be a beating just move.
Thanks for the chat, always good to see you all!
peace
bettie

[kathryn]

Hey Bettie,
Just wanted to say hi, i see you have been up and down lately.  I have one word for that my freind….life.  My life is never going to be what i would imagine to be perfect, there is always something, men, kids, weight…ugh, but i guess every time we get over a little hurdle, another one jumps in front of us.
You are handling your hurdles beautifully girl, proud of you!!!!!
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[crackles86]

Hi bettie!
I am new here. I think I started about 5 days ago. It took me that long to get through your journal.. haha! Once I dived in I just couldn’t stop. Your story has truly inspired me. Where you started on your very first post all the way up to where you are now. It’s a true inspiration. You have given me so much hope and courage. The truthfullness in your posts just amazes me and I have loved crying, laughing and gasping with you in the 5 days I’ve read your journey.
You are a wonderful person, mother and daughter and you need to never forget that.
I can’t wait to meet you on chat and I hope we can talk soon.
Thank you xxx

[lizbeth4]

Was good to see you on chat last nite.  Have a wonderful day, as you deserve it!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Gee Guys,
I’m down right embarrassed from all the compliments I’ve had posted to me in the last week. You guys are too kind! Really!
Crackles, you are too young for eye strain, hope it wasn’t too much on you, lol!
Went to a Christmas Party for our local Chamber of Commerce. We had to donate a toy or $5 dollars. Was nice be have the means to do both. I was dreading how to handle the raffle tickets. This year they didn’t have one thank God, but they did have a 50/50 jackpot split. My friend was trying to get in on it but I did not participate. I took her donation to the lady and walked away.
I did get yet another gift. I have a business customer ask me where I liked to go to eat quite a while back. I forgot that he had asked as that was so long ago. He came in today with a card for me, and a gift card too. It had no value on the card but you had to look it up on line. Guess how much? $50 bucks! I couldn’t believe it! People have been so generous to me this year, I am raking in the cash, lol!
Hope to drag the Christmas tree from the basement tomorrow and make this place look Christmasy, even if it is only for me.
Back in September I posted about my Aunt being so ill. She has pneumonia and has been in a drug induced coma. They are supposed to remove the ventilator tomorrow. I know, get prepared, but it’s not over until it’s over. Such a fighter! She should have been gone so long ago. God bless her!
need to hit the hay.
peace
bettie
 

[thedeviliknow]

You’re the real thing Bettie!
I just started my exploration into my addiction but I have to say that you have a gift for laying it out in your posts with such honesty and humor. (Intentional or otherwise) I started reading and could hardly stop. I’m in agreement with Crackles86. You are an inspiration. Love your "FWB" dudes and their frickin’ concepts. The abuse meter is off the scale. So wonderful you’re taking steps to stop hurting yourself. Be kinder to yourself each and everyday. …hope I can stay inspired to take some action for myself.

[p]

Hi bettie
hope things are going well for you today, i have insomnia and am posting in the wee hours this morning.. catch you soon on chat again i hope
 P – Living and Learning

[alice]

Hey Bettie,
Sounds like it was a great christmas party! Well done on not giving in to the temptation of raffles and 50/50 splits. You’re doing well. It’s a good feeling when you’re able to give to charity also isn’t it? I know that I feel better when I make a donation to charity.
Boy the saying, "what goes around comes around" sounds like it’s very true in your case. You make a cash and toy donation to charity and then someone gives you a very generous gift card of $50! I know you certainly didn’t make the donation in order to get anything back but that just makes you even more deserving of the gift you got.
enjoy decorating your house. I am still undecided of whether to get a tree or not this year. I’m not here from 23rd dec for a week as i’m going to my sister’s for christmas. the cost of a tree and decorations is all money that i’m not flushed with at the moment too. But it may be a good way to cheer me up. If I do do it it will probably be done on a spur of a moment and i just go out and buy a tree then and there.
stay strong,
alice x"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

[p]

Hi bettie
Nice to see you on chat in the wee hours, one of the positives of my insomnia i guess is that i get to see some people on chat and some i never would because of the times.. have a good day Bettie girl, you are one awesome chickadee
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well the tree and the boxes are up stairs, not without a whole lot of huffing and puffing! Putting up a 7 1/2 foot tree in a room with an 8ft ceiling is not good! The star is awfully crooked and I just don’t have the will to fix it. ( Maybe I should have put up the Manger and prayed before putting the star on!) Took me 4 hours to fix the lights, I loaned it to the FWB last year and this was how I got it back, never again!! The tree has 3 ornaments on it. One is from the "Wizard of Oz", The seen where they melt the witch in the castle. Press the button and it has the dialog from the movie, "I’m melting. melting!" what in the world does this have to do with Christmas, heck I don’t know! But it was a gift and I love it!
Went to dinner with my brother with my gift card. We went back to his house and he was looking at an old video tape. There was one of my dad holding my niece as a newborn. So sweet! My dad loved the babies! He was rocking her, telling her how my (then) one year old niece would tear up the house and how she would be joining her soon. My brother was a bit choked up, first time seeing and hearing my dad since he past away in 2000. I told him I looked at the one of my brothers wedding with both dad and my brother alive and laughing and bawled my eyes out. I didn’t tell him I drank a whole bottle of rum when I watched the video.
He called me later to say he had found one from 1989, Christmas with the whole family. That may have been one of the only times we were all together. I suggested showing it Christmas Eve but he thought it might be too upsetting. Maybe we all need a good cry, and a wonderful reminder of the good times we had when we were young!
need to sleep!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I just want to tell you, you are inspirational.  26 days ago, my first night on GT, I was soo lucky to run into you!!  You made me feel comfortable. gave me great advice (which I’ve implemented), and made me laugh like crazy while on chat(and I really needed that).  You deserve all the best things that come your way, don’t you ever forget that!!  Hope to see you on chat this weekend!!Seize all the good things in life

[sick of gambling]

Bettie – loved the before and after pictures of Smurfette!  Wow, that’s some transformation.  I had a 7 foot huge tree that must have weighed 100 lbs.  Husband and I both agreed we needed something more manageable.  Am going with a slim tree this year – same height less weight.  Now I buy the pre-lit trees so I don’t have to mess around with those lights!  Well another workweek done and looking forward to the weekend.  Talk to you on chat! done4good

[p]

Hey Miss Bettie
Might see you on chat hey..
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hey Kids,
Just a quick post as i need to sleep!
Snow is starting here, will be a mess tomorrow but I don’t mind, yet! There is a light parade in town tomorrow, all the entry’s have Christmas Lights and they turn off the lights on the main street. Really lovely if the weather is not too cold.
Went to my meeting, the pinning was lovely, they even asked me to read! And I had to read first!
I asked someone to sponsor me tonight. It was between 3, and I know I got a tough one but maybe thats what I need, a butt kicker! We will see how it works.
peace
bettie
 

[lizbeth4]

Awesome on your pinning and sponser! Get a good nite’s sleep! Seize all the good things in life

[lizbeth4]

Always happy to see you on chat.  Have a wonderful day tomorrow!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi!
Well the parade was nice, cold and snowy but fun. I called my brother and he and his daughter joined me. He treated for dinner after then we went to look around the antique shops. My new sponsor called but i couldn’t talk, was almost to my brothers house. We will talk tomorrow.
Thanks Ken for the talk, Lizbeth, always a pleasure! I know I’ve missed some of you all but my mind is a blank. Talked to ken about the fwb situation so I am a little weepy and distracted.
Thought about gambling. Last year I went straight to the casino and would have not invited my brother and would have gone right away this year too. Banning is a blessing. I keep having passing thoughts, less than an urge but on my mind. When do we stop thinking about it? Illinois is trying for 4 more casino licenses plus a land based casino for Chicago, I think the state legislators should be required to read some threads before making that call! I also heard that Illinois is bring back smoking in the casinos, too much lost revenue to Indiana, just like I thought it would be! lol! Well thats OK, can’t go there anyways! I banned for life here!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, banning is a blessing, spending more time with family.  Legislators should have to read threads, then they could see the full destruction of gambling, but it’s all about the money, forget the lifes that are destroyed.  I don’t think we, CG’s, will ever have the thought of gambling out of our heads.  The urges are not as intense for me, but I do have passing thoughts from time to time. But I thank God for everyday that I have not gambled.  The casinos will never get my money again! Have a great day!!Seize all the good things in life

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

Hi Kwb,
I’m sure Larry will have a better answer … 
 
Good morning Betty,
Good to see you enjoying the everyday things that recovery sets us free to do. Your mention of the Christmas parade reminded me of the ones that was lost by my gambling. We did not go this Thangsgiving, but it was because of bad weather; gambling did not keep me away – being strong when it comes to not gambling, but a wimp when the weather turns bad.
I read you post to kwbwmom and felt like a school kid being called on by the teacher to answer a question. For you Betty have become one of our teachers here at GT, there are no better answers than those found in your post and accountings of your life and struggles.  Keep helping us with our homework. 
God’s speed.  LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

hi guys.
Thanks for all the chats and posts! Larry, now I have been called out, lol! Turn about is fair play!
I Think maybe I teach people more of what NOT to do, then what to do! LOL!
Very flattering, and I thank you!
I am pooped out. Tree is done, balcony decorated, stuff up and out all around the condo. A lot of work and I haven’t done it in years, too busy at the casino to spare the time. Well, not this year.
Sponsor called with expectations and a home work assignment fair enough. I have had a blank journal laying around here for months. See, Divine intervention maybe??
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I’m decorating our condo tomorrow.  Finished Xmas shopping today and bought stuff to do some baking.  I know last Xmas, I really was’nt into it, too busy gambling. Great idea, I think I will buy a journal for myself.  Have’nt thought about a sponser yet, in time.  Dealing with my CG friend next door, I’m feeling alot of sadness about her situation (go on my thread, posted what’s going on).  But I can only so much to help her.  Take care! Day 29Seize all the good things in life

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Bettie for the post, I know I can’t help her, she needs to help herself.  I’ve always been the problem fixer, even as a child.  Trying to change that trait though, as I need to deal with my problems first.Seize all the good things in life

[lizbeth4]

How funny, we were posting each other at the same time!  Watched the weather channel this morning, and it looks like you’re having some nasty weather.  Be careful, dress warm!  See you later.Seize all the good things in life

[p]

Hi Bettie
You inspired me to get the tree out.. i am also going to get some christmas decorations today after i get my hair done, i want to make the flat really christmassy and bright for myself and my boy this year.. I am even going to try to cook gingerbread men!!! hmmmm lets hope they turn out it could be a funny adventure for us.. you gave me that spark of christmas spirit Bettie thank you
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh rough day. One of the tellers got let go and my Aunt passed away.
My Mom is doing better than I thought she would. My Aunt lived about 6 hours away and we will make what can be a treacherous car trip this time of year.  She called to tell me she will stay at my brothers house and I can stay there or at the hotel if I want. Problem is my brothers home has major issues, and we will be turning them out of their own bed. Nice that they offered however, my mom really doesn’t want to spend the money for the room. She just had a miserable visit with them over Thanksgiving, at least according to her, so why does she want to go back? Since that time she has also managed to buy him a used car complete with title transfer and license plates.
Whats wrong with  this picture? Any time I have borrowed a penny I was expected to pay it back. SHE BOUGHT HIS HOUSE FOR HIM! He doesn’t work, never really has, and she has bailed him out time and again.
Guess I’m a bit frustrated, to say the least, but I will get past it. I guess I’m just mad. She knows Jen was off of work with the broken foot and out of pay too. I pretty much gave her my entire last check to make up for the missing money, and now I have no money for this trip. Where is the help for Jen? She spends almost every Saturday with my mom, visiting, watching movies, taking her out. No other grand kids can be bothered with her. When I mention my mom and say that I have the mother of all mothers, I’m not kidding!
Have not heard what arrangements have been made. (Would not surprise me if no one wants her to come to the service, sad to say. She burned those bridges a long time ago.)
What a sad, sad person my mother is. I heard everyone goes to the shrink and blames their mother for their faults and short comings. I know I have a lot of her traits, and it frightens me. It is truly a miracle that I turned out as well as I have, and we all know my life has been no bed of roses, well, except for the thorns.
Sorry to vent but felt the need.
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, sorry for your Aunt’s passing!  I know what you mean, I always said I would’nt be like my Mom (even though I love her) OMG, I have soo many of her traits, some that I don’t care to have.  My Mother spent most of her time focusing on my brother from childhood to around 5 years ago, because he had soo many issues.  My Sister and I had each other.  Well my Brother is now causing his own issues (bad ones) and has no contact with her, my Sister and her have no relationship, but theres me (the fixer), I put all the past behind me, and I’m the only one who talks (phone) everyday, and visits her.  But she does’nt get it, why I’m the only one there!!  I always treated my children the same, because I knew how that felt to be treated differently! Oh well, that’s my story.  I can relate!  She’s too old now to change and she does’nt want to anyways.  Yes, my condo is all shiny and sparkly, where’s my sunglasses!!! Take care!! Why did the teller get fired??Seize all the good things in life

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

Oh rough day … my Aunt passed away …

Betty, sorry for your loss. There is no good time to deal with death, but the holidays seem to bring out stronger feelings about the loss.  Remember, this too shall pass.
God’s speed and comfort to your family.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[lizbeth4]

Hope you had a great day today, and stayed warm.  Day 31Seize all the good things in life

[p]

Hey bettie
Sorry to hear of the loss of your aunty.. i understand the brother thing with you and your mum it happens here too.. not sure why maybe its a boy thing.. see you soon in chat i hope
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Thanks for the well wishes.
Not a banner day here. Found out Mom intends to pay for nothing but my sister and brother from this area will be joining me and I had a credit toward the hotel from our last trip so it will be cheap for the room. We leave tomorrow.
Had a customer who came into the bank. I asked how he was, he said not good. His son committed suicide. He was in tears and I tried to console him as best I could with a lobby full of customers. Nice people, so sad! He’s my age so I would guess his boy was in his late teens, early 20’s.
They are having the wake and funeral for my Aunt on Thursday, but my sister and brother will have to be back for work on Friday so it will be a quick trip. We won’t stay for the funeral service. Haven’t told my mom yet. But she could stay with my oldest brother who lives there and take the train back. It’s the least he could do, given all she does for him.
I’m tired, sad and crabby!
nite
bettie
 

[female g]

man when it rains it pours  dosen’t it. Well lets hope once this year is out of the way you will do much better in 2011.  Not to say you haven’t done so well in regards to your own recovery I just mean the outside forces, I hope you see much inprovement in that area.  WEll sorry about your Aunt and i hope that the trip dosen’t take too much out of you.G

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, have a safe trip.Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

We have arrived safely and weather is holding. Ugh! I really need to know how to deal more effectively with my mom. She questions my intention on everything I do. I brought my brother a case (30) of White Castles ( sliders).( he lives here in Southern Illinois, they don’t have them here) I didn’t tell her. She was ticked off. Why? I need a therapist for this. I don’t want to carry this stress every time I see her.
Just missed the chat. Too bad, I could have used it!
Catch u soon!
bettie

[vera]

Condolences on the death of your dear aunt Bettie!
May her soul rest in peace!

[kathryn]

Hi Bettie,
So sorry to hear about your aunt,
i hope the trip is ok for you and that you dont get too stressed out.
You dont need the extra at the moment.
Stay safe, love Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys and thanks,
The evening portion of the trip went better than expected. Dropped my mom off at my brothers and RAN! Went with my sister to visit an Aunt then my deceased brothers girls. ( 18 ans 12, OMG!) The one benefit of a funeral is seeing family that you don’t see much of. We laughed our behinds off with my aunt and was so good to see the girls, even if only for a little while.
I shared a bed with my sister, first time in YEARS, some things never change! She uses a c-pap machine for sleep apnea and wears braces on both hands for carpal tunnel syndrome. I think she punched me in the head about 4 times last night and may also be why I was up at 4:45am and moved to the lobby of the hotel so I could have coffee and smoke. ( and catch up here) She knows about my cg, my brother who joined up with us doesn’t so here I am. I think 3 people stayed here last night. It’s off season now.
I just really realized that when we go to the services in a few hours this will be one of the rare times that the remaining people in my immediate family will be together. That hasn’t happened since the Thanksgiving before my brother past and the time before that was at my Dads funeral.
Life is funny isn’t it?
peace
bettie– 12/9/2010 12:31:43 PM: post edited by bettie.

[finding_laura]

Hi Bettie,
was thinking I hadn’t been by to catch up for a bit and I have missed you on chat lately.  Sorry to hear about your Aunt.  Families can drive us crazy.  And some families have higher that usual capabilities when it comes that.  If you find out how to not let it bother you, through therapy or otherwise, please let me know!  I have tried to learn how to have a tougher skin but haven’t had a whole lot of success in that area.  Have a safe trip home Bettie.  Sounds like you are dong really well otherwise Bettie.  There is progress and that is all we can ask of ourselves. 
take care, be safe.
Laura

[bettie]

Hey All,
Home safely and tired. Almost 900 miles of running around in about 36 hours.
The funeral went as all funerals do. Mom had a what I believe was a panic attack. Don’t know what was said or what she may have said, as she was sitting with two of her sisters and talking. ( I asked if my brother if we should leave mom with them alone, he said well they are her sisters and know how she is.)We were sitting in the back of the church and she came over, one hand clutching her cane and the other on her chest. We sat her down, tears in her eyes, asking what was wrong. She said I don’t know but my chest hurts and I feel like fainting. My sister in law took her pulse, I gave her hard candy and she was still uncomfortable. My sister suggested we take her out and get her some air and food. We did that, she felt better with in 5 minutes. My sister told her that unless she needed medical attention she needed to not talk about being ill, as today was not about her. We took her back but our visit time was running short. I asked my brother if he wanted to stay for the actual funeral and he said leave it up to Mom. She said she had had enough and wanted to leave. So we said our good bye’s and were off.
Had an interesting conversation with my Aunts oldest daughter. She is a devout Christian and really lives the sermon, but doesn’t preach it. I admire someone like that, I really do. ( She gets that from her mother).
We talked about my mom. She said you know Aunt XX has a heart of gold bettie, for all her faults she can be very thoughtful and giving. I told her that she makes everyone around her miserable and I just didn’t know what I could do for her. She said Bettie, she just doesn’t like herself. I told her well XXXXX, she passed that to her children. I could see the tears in her eyes, and she asked me how was I doing? I told her better now, but it has taken me 47 years to figure out what the problem was, and I’m working on it.
It’s like she could tell I was in some type of recovery, with out even asking. I felt the presence of God for the first time, in a long time, standing in that bathroom, in that Church, in front of one of the many murals that she and her mom had painted for the church when it was built 2 years ago. She said her mom said she didn’t know how to paint. She told her she couldn’t do it alone. she said her mom had a lot of talent, she just didn’t know it. She said we all did.
My brother told my cousin when we were leaving how sorry he was, that she was a great Aunt, and must have been a wonderful mother.
thanks you guys, my recovery buddy’s. Don’t know what I would do with out you!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, glad you got home ok. That was alot of traveling in 36 hours.  It’s good that you were able to talk to your cousin, she seems like a awesome person.  As for Mom’s, I call mine out every so often, when she’s way out of line, and she never gets it only wants to argue and be the winner.  Go figure.  Maybe I should stop using the energy for a no-win situation. Sleep well tonight, friend.Seize all the good things in life

[ken3921]

Bettie-
Wishing there was a chat tonight so I could make you smile.  🙂  Thinking of you….reaching out across the miles.  You are NOT alone.  Hang tough!
Your (non-cg) buddy in recovery,
Ken3921

[p]

Hey Bettie
Glad to see you are home safe and sound, you must be exhausted, funerals can take it out of you.. i am glad it went well for you.. glad you are back to chat, dont think GT would be quite the same without our Bettie…
 P – Living and Learning

[thedeviliknow]

You still have one of the best dramatic titles for your Journal. It made me want to read it when I first came to the site.
Thanks for sharing your family issues with us all. It’s a bit like a reality TV show and we’re waiting for the next episode. Always reveals vulnerability, shows strength and done with sincerity, wit and humor. I know that your customers at the bank like to deal with you because you’ve got some real life experience.
Got my knee surgery done and I’m still here so all went well but I woke up and I was still a compulsive gambler. I should have gotten them to do a brain transplant while I was out. I can’t seem to get it through my head that this gambling thing is not just a passing phase and I will be afflicted for my remaining days.
Well….GA is helping with that. You can’t go into those meetings carrying any BS that you don’t want exorcized. I’m taking donuts and cream for the coffee tomorrow night. My buddy’s having a hard time with losing his Craps partner so I’m dragging him to an open meeting. He really can’t understand the illness. His first angry reaction: "You’re not really gonna go and hang out with those losers." He forgot he was talkin’ about me. He can play and walk away when he’s a winner and does very well, I cannot. He leaves the table to eat when he’s hungry. I stay. He doesn’t creep around at the ATM after midnight trying to find which credit card isn’t maxed out.
Well Bettie, thanks for the space to vent in your journal. I hope your day was positive and you’re treating yourself well.
Take care
 My vice is the dice for life !!!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, hope you had a good day!  Can’t catch anyone on chat, so I will be going to bed early, tired.  Talk to you later!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

OK pick a title for my reality show.
"Life in Bettieland"
"Bettie B – Recovering Compulsive Gambler" and the one I like-
as suggested by VTC " pretty Bettie" ( as opposed to "Ugly Betty", lol!) — 12/11/2010 4:50:27 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hey Guys,
Well breakfast with Santa at the zoo tomorrow. We are expecting some really bad weather and have to be out at 7:30 am. Well I just hope it’s not too cold. My brother and his daughter are coming too. These girls are 14  and 17, we started taking them when they were 4 and 7, This will be the last one 🙁  but time marches on!
When my brother got divorced around 11 years ago I assumed the mommy role when he needed one. Since my niece was just a little younger ( and lived down stairs from me) we brought her along too and made a foursome. We went everywhere, camping, shows, movies, school programs, and breakfast with Santa! Such happy little times, almost forgotten, until now.
Clear the gambling fog and find the life and the person lost so long ago.
What a wonderful thing!
peace
bettie– 12/12/2010 4:17:42 AM: post edited by bettie.

[thedeviliknow]

No fog. A little clear sailing. It is a wonderful thing. Thanks for sharing!My vice is the dice for life !!!

[kathryn]

Hope you had a great day Bettie,
I took the boys to the movies and santa was there…i think i was more excited to see him than they were!!!!
Chat has been so quiet this weekend, i hardly talked to anyone!!!  Missed you girl, but hey, as you say, life is for the living!
Take care my lovely friend, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[finding_laura]

Well good morning B,
I was a sleepy head again and missed you and K again I see.  And wow I finally got that expression, life is for the living.  Glad you girls are having all the fun with Santa.  I have two teenage boys, well ok one teenage man, 18 I  guess is time to stop calling him a boy.  The youngest just rolls his eys at me now. I have gone from being mummy to the stupidist person on earth.  But that is ok, I have a lovely niece to borrow anytime I want.  Hope you enjoy the day at the zoo.  Sitcom name, hmmmm, have to wake up first lol
Laura

[bettie]

"Oh, the weather outside is frightful….."
Had so much fun with Santa! The weather is awful but we had fun anyways. My brother made sure we got there extra early and the people there gave us extra time with Santa for pictures. We got one with each of the girls then one with my brother and niece. He made Christmas cards out of that one. They insisted that I take a picture with Santa so he had me sit on his knee. ( I know what Santa wants for Christmas, a new Knee!!) Mrs Santa was not too pleased so she shook her fist at me! It was so funny!
We went walking through the snow and slush to see some animals. It was so cold with the wind blowing! We went into the Australla house, saw the wombats and fruit bats! Nice and warm in there I’ll tell you. Thought of all my Auzzie friends here and imagined I was there!
Talked to my sponser. Hard to be accountable to someone as she wants me to call at least every few days. I feel like I am more "advanced" in my recovery and feel like a little kid, but you know what? What ever it takes. I’ll take those baby steps. Most likely I’ve missed things and I am not too old to realize my way (gambling) didn’t work, time to get advice from a "pro". She’s got about 7 years clean, I can learn a lot from her.
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Hey!
Man winter is here with a vengeance! Work is a nightmare-again! I thought I had this goal thing set for the quarter but I am still coming up short. Failure is not an option, as I didn’t make last quarter and will start the year on a written warning and will also lose any incentive pay that is earned for the next 6 months! I Can NOT go through that again!
I am only working 8 more days this year and don’t know what to do. We are So Slow! Prayers needed, big time!
My niece has her chorus performance tomorrow, something to look forward to.
Did I mention, my 14 year old niece has a belly button piercing! What is wrong with my sister?
peace
bettie

[kwbwmom]

Prayers to you Bettie..
As far as the belly button piercing.. ouch I do not understand that at all. Not passing judgment on anyone, I just cant’ stand needles. I almost pass out when I have to give blood.
And yes old man winter can  just take a hike in my opinion. He is not welcome here. My hands and feet are like ice cubes. I always dread this time of year, even though it always happens. I also hate that it is so dark so early, makes it even easier for me to be unmotivated after work. And I definitely don’t need any excuses for that.
Hoping the 8 more days brings you to your goal.
Always great chatting with you in group.. you make me laugh! :-)"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!  I was watching the weather channel and saw the cold weather coming your way!!  BRRRR!  Sounds like you had a good time at the zoo!!  I am praying you make your goals at work!!  Positive thoughts!!   Take care!!!Seize all the good things in life

[female g]

thanks Bettie i did appreciate the feedback and will be careful I promise and honest too. Hope you can stay out of the frigid weather its here too and I am not thrilled. I am worried it may not be warm enough in florida either. In which case we won’t go. May have to try to get a last minute vacation somewhere else or just stay at home. Hope not. See you on the forum sometime G

[p]

Hey Bettie
Sounds like you really are getting into the christmas spirit of things, way to go.. thanks for helping me find mine.. it reminds me to find it!!! hope you are having a good day!  our reality star hehehe.. hey hope to catch you on chat again soon, i having some urges so i will be round to all the groups i can at the moment
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hey!
Oh the concert was Beautiful! The kids so talented! THE WEATHER SO COLD!! ( boy, am I a whiner or what?)
Had a customer come in wanting to open a rather large account , about twenty five thousand. I explained the rules and he said he had a banker at another branch, would he get credit? I was honest, I told him how the credit worked and that he wouldn’t get credit. The guy left 🙁 ! i am about $300 short on my goal and the would have given me a little credit toward that. I was complaining that any other banker would have lied and opened the account. I was being punished yet again for my honesty! About an hour later the guy came back! He said he didn’t feel like going to the other branch and we were so nice to him he would open it with us! So, not only did her come back he brought $75 thousand with him and I will get about $60 toward my goal!! Yea!!!!!
OK guys, keep up the prayers OK?
Sorry I missed the chat! I hate to miss my Tuesday night date w/lee ! lol!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I think the prayers are working!  Your almost there!Seize all the good things in life

[غير معروف]

Prayers going out to you Bettie that you make your goal.If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

Thanks guys!!
Well, I haven’t posted any drama lately. Could it be that there isn’t any? LOL!! Who am I kidding?
Lets see, oh yea, work. That customer from yesterday? He called this morning, said the banker from the other branch called him very upset ( can U believe how desperate this job makes you?) and told him he didn’t really qualify for that account I opened for him because he didn’t have an active checking. I told him he could open one with that banker or with me but I didn’t see a problem as he did have a checking account with us ( even though it was in a business account) I told him to put his mind at ease, we could upgrade a savings account that he already had with us and I assured him there was no problem. I emailed my boss and assistant manager, just to get my side out there. I expect to get a call from their regional manager looking for the account credit being changed to that banker. We will see.
Whats next, oh yea, fwb update! The "landlord" left me a Christmas gift, the first I can ever remember getting from him. A lovely robe and a 6 pack of soap! DON"T ASK! I already know whats on his mind! Well he’s out of the country so don’t have to worry about him for a while. FWB #2 is stuck with an immigration problem and doesn’t expect to be back before next year. He called me like crazy yesterday to talk about his problems. I guess he doesn’t remember that he still has not apologized for the lousy way he treats me. It’s always about him! I almost got him out of my system and even 2000 miles away he creeps back in.
And last but not least, my lovely daughter! I went to let her dogs out on my lunch hour and went up stares to use the powder room. I noticed something odd about her bedroom door, it’s gone, ripped off the hinges! I called her to ask what the heck happened. Oh mom, it just fell apart. Really????? How does a door just fall apart? Oh it was just hanging by a thread, it was stuck, and I shoved it with my shoulder.
Are you buying this? My sister asked when Jen broke her foot how it happened. I told her and she told me well, she had info but couldn’t reveal her source. She said Jen and the bf fight physically, all the time, and she wondered if her hurt her. Nice, so are you thinking what I’m thinking? I figure one was locked in the room and the other kicked the door in. Oh, and Guess who will be replacing the door?
Merry Christmas!
Well, to be honest, I should be a screaming maniac by now but I am taking it in stride. I am concerned about Jen. I spent the evening with her and she did say she was getting sick of him. She has been in abusive relationships before and had the sense to dump the guy. She keeps talking about going back to Georgia. I don’t want her to go but I do want her to be happy.
Well it’s after midnight, I guess I had a lot on my mind.
Oh, and something that came to me recently. We often talk about trying to help family and friends to understand our cg. I wonder if we ever think the other way around. How strange and absurd it must be to them. Why would anyone just keep throwing money in a machine over and over, risking everything. Stand back and look from the out side in. Try to get their perspective. Maybe then we can understand the strangeness of this compulsion a bit better.
bettie, shut up and go to sleep!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I’m concerned for Jen too!! Maybe if she puts some distance between her and boyfriend would be good. I don’t think a non-CG can totally understand us.  It must seem absurd to them how we can just throw away money and have no control.  It has taken me some time to understand the addiction too. Just be there for Jen, has she ever thought about counceling, to find out why she choses the same type of man. It couldn’t hurt, rite?  Have a good day Miss B!Seize all the good things in life

[p]

Hey Bettie
I am hoping your daughter is ok too, anyway to bring the subject up with her somehow?  maybe she will open up to you.. I hope you are doing ok too Bettie.. you have done really well on your journey.. you have come such a long way.. hope you are proud of yourself..
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the concern. I try to let Jen take the lead in these matters but her safety is always my #1 concern. So much I would like to say but as soon as I say something derogatory she will be so crazy about him again.
I am depressed today. It started that way and has progressed to a real crying jag. I know I am totally wrong for feeling like I do, but it’s eating at me, waves of tears keep coming at me. One of the sweet gals on the chat mentioned her experiences with a new boyfriend. Truly, I am happy for her, she certainly deserves ANY AND ALL happiness that comes her way. It just jumped into my head what is so wrong with me that I can’t find that? What is so wrong with me? Why am I so unlovable?
It’s been a good holiday season for a change. I haven’t really thought about being single for a while and I have been OK with it. Then wham! Hurt feelings and major urges all morning. This is where banning comes into play. Given the opportunity I would have spent the balance of the Christmas gift money on a slot machine. The thoughts in my head frighten me. You think they are gone but one tiny unimportant thing flings you over the edge and you feel like you’re back to square one.
gonna join the chat. gonna shed this feeling.

[finding_laura]

Hey B,
sending phone finding karma your way.  There is not a darn thing wrong with you!  They say we have to love ourselves first.  You are getting better at liking yourself.  Slowly you are progressing.  But you don’t love yourself the way you deserve it.  Good news is that can be worked on as part of your recovery.  And really, look at you go! 
We know you are a lovable person and soon you will too.   Your worries about Jen must be contributing greatly to your mood at a very stressful time of year.  But as you say, hallelujah for banning.  Hang in there B.  The suns gonna rise again.
Laura

[bettie]

Tx Laura, and tx to everyone on the chat.
A kid just called me on my phone. I dropped it at the car wash! Gonna pick it up. Need to stop and get a little cash reward for the boy!
Nice of him to call, still some honest people out there!
bettie

[bettie]

Where do the worthless feelings come from?
I remember the hurtful things so well, like when my mom said if she knew about birth control she would have only had 3 kids ( I’m number 5), or when someone told my dad he had a beautiful daughter (me) and he said well you should see the one at home.( my sister)
I wonder how I survived at all sometimes.
The "mood" is back. Maybe early to bed wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
bettie

[finding_laura]

Morning miss B,
I hope the day dawns bright for you.  I have similar little snipets that play in my mind.  But I’m letting them go.  Hurtful things that should never have been said.  Rewrite the script Bettie.  "I’m so glad I didn’t stop at 3 I wouldn’t have you"  "Thank-you, she is beautiful inside and out"  These are the words that should have been said. 
Glad you got your phone back.  Keep in touch with your sponsor.  Any chance of finding a counsellor in the new year?  Sometimes being able to talk these feelings out can really help. 
Well B, off to work for me.  Hugssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. You are beautiful Bettie.
take care,
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, thanks for your post, you made me think and I’m calmer now.  Sorry, that you are reliving the hurtful things in your past.  I know it’ hard to let them go.  I am the oldest of three, my Mom always expected me to be the prettiest, smartest, to live the life she never lived.  I never met her expectations, always felt her dissapointment.  I have let go of alot, but I did seek counciling to help with the pain of feeling worthless. (I could have never lived up to her expectations)  Now, when were together, my additude is like me for what I am or don’t , that’s your chioce.  I may not be perfect, but I like me!  I don’t think she will ever know the hurt she caused, and how it affected my life.  YOU have alot of good qualities about you BETTIE, and IM GLAD you are my friend. Have a wonderful day!  Day 41, and BETTIE you were the one who helped me to want to start my recovery, with your support the first time I came to GT!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks Laura and Lizbeth.I did call my sponsor, cry (again) like a baby. She related her own story of one -sided "relationships". I felt a little better. Then she slammed on line chats and asked my about my spirituality. This is the big one for me. I am not looking for a religious conversion and frankly if that is the only way to recover I am sunk! She plans to give me some daily scripture to read and I am more afraid of organized religion than I am of being a cg. Trying to be open minded but once you tell someone that you are Catholic the headlights go on and the bible thumping starts. Just as I had a bad experience years ago with a male counselor, I was almost driven to a nervous breakdown by a "born again" religious group that my Ex husband was going to. ( with his 2nd wife, who divorced him too).
Lets see what today brings
bettie

[thedeviliknow]

Hi Bettie
Our personal recovery is not an open opportunity to the church to invade. Perhaps your sponsor is a little (or a lot) over zealous in her desire to help. If you feel set upon it is time to bow out gently from your sponsor and seek another’s help. GA is not about furthering religious doctrine. Your higher power doesn’t have to be Catholic or any other denomination.
We are going to have to get you rewired here Bettie so all those thoughts of past hurts won’t keep replaying themselves. It’s odd how these events of the past have so much power in our present. You are not allowed to keep beating on yourself using this old program. We’re working on loading a new program where we only treat ourselves with patience, love and kindness.
Here’s hoping your day was good. Take care with yourself.My vice is the dice for life !!!

[female g]

Oh Bettie your so right these people are so annoying. They usually have no clue about the strugggles we go through in fighting urges and addictions. I say blow her off and don’t feel obligated.  There is faith and then there is religion. Two very different things to be sure. By the way i wish you happiness over the holidays and hope you’ll be around to chat from time to time over the holidaysG

[bettie]

Thanks for your thoughtful posts Guys.
First thing is Yes Therese, I will pen that letter and I thank you for the info. I would encourage everyone to who reads that to do likewise, bettie-anti gambling activist, I kind of like that!
On the sponsor front, maybe I was a bit harsh. My fears take over and I run at the mouth a bit. I believe my spirituality is my business and God knows me. She didn’t bring what ever she was going to bring and we had our own mini-meeting which went well. I do like her as a person, I respect her opinion, but we agreed to a 30 day trial and if I am not comfortable I promise myself I will move on.
I did have a few surprises yesterday. The work goal was updated and I (cross your fingers!) am down to $67 to go. Work is so slow! I pray that they will lower the goal, which they have done in the past, so I have some breathing room. They will disqualify as much as they can but again, failure is not an option. I have 4 days after Christmas to add some insurance that come 5 weeks from now I will NOT start the year on a written warning!
When I got to my meeting they had just started but the chair person moved aside and said here, you are the chair tonight! So I did it, and I was pleasantly surprised. I do like being the boss, lol!
TDIK, funny you should say what you did. I had someone say the same thing to me last night. "Someone lied to you!" she said, "You are beautiful inside and out, and you are funny too! We really have to work on you." ( I started the group with a joke, so typical of me!) I sometimes thought I would like to do stand up comedy. Maybe a new career choice?
G, thanks for coming to my defense! I feel well protected with friends like you to support me!
peace
bettie
 

[bettie]

Had to laugh at myself.
I just opened a Christmas Card from my  Asst. Manager and guess what? 2 scratch off lottery tickets! OMG! I’m looking at them wondering what to do. Do I give them to my daughter, suspected scratch off cg, do i throw away a possible "winner"? The lottery was not my thing and suspect I won’t run to the casino regardless of the outcome, but I know this will come up on Christmas eve, as the family plays a game where the reward is scratch offs. I already planned for that, told my daughter I would hand them off and she was to keep what ever she got from them.
My sponsor advised I not tell my assistant Manager about my cg, I was thinking about doing so. I wish I had gone with my instincts and told her and I wouldn’t be looking at these D*mned things on my desk.
So not worth risking my recovery.
Well i will "re-gift" them to someone, wrap them up and for get about it.
peace
bettie

[thedeviliknow]

Hey Bettie
Interesting post. The girls bought scratch and win tickets for all the Christmas socks this year and that didn’t drive me to gamble like a fiend. I had no problem with it at all. I know it’s contrary to the GA philosophy but I haven’t completely abandoned my free will. Good idea to re-gift if you think it will be detrimental however you are now complicit in promoting gambling. lol Can’t win. I wonder if these tickets are returnable unscratched?
I have to say that I would agree with your sponsor to with hold knowledge of your addiction from your boss. There is a reason why medical records are confidential. While a boss may appear to be a friend and supportive, anything that may shed aspersion on your character is not something to share with an employer. The risk is too high for a fleeting warm and fuzzy moment. For instance, they may all of a sudden perceive you as a risk for embezzlement. LOL although maybe not a laughing matter.
 My vice is the dice for life !!!

[bettie]

Thanks for the info!
My "boss" the assistant manager and I have been friends for years. I had to slight her to go to the GA party as we have a standing invite to a social event in the town we work in. I feel bad being vague but friendship aside by job IS at risk if it got out so you and my sponsor are most likely right.
I know it is hard to imagine but there really are people who gamble who are not CG. I’ll be sure the re-gifted person is not suspect! lol!
 

[p]

Hi Bettie
I don’t know what to do re the tickets! i do remember i had a lottery ticket unclaimed and i went through the same thing, i guess if it wins something, will it create urges in you to get another and start off that process again?  even though they arent your thing?  I think its great you have a sponsor i am going to look for one soon too.. hope to see you on chat maybe
 P – Living and Learning

[kathryn]

HI Bettie,
I cant believe i didnt see you all weekend!!!
You dont have to tell your boss anything…i remember i told my boss, and then about 3 days later we had a meeting…money had been missing from our petty cash.  I was absolutely sick, i thought "they suspect me". 
Anyway, needless to say, i know i didnt take it, and in truth, i think they miscalculated the money they had because the amount that was supposedly taken was quite large.  None of us were sure that there was that much there in the first place.  So now we check and double check whenever we need milk or coffee!!!
As for the scratchie…pass it on, although i wouldnt give it to your daughter if she is having problems there.
Well, i need to shower and get ready for work…the one thing i like about the holidays is the lazy mornings (thats about all i like…lol)
Hope to see you soon my friend,
Love Kathryn xxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[p]

Hi Bettie
Just want to say it gave me such a giggle when i read your post to jewls.. you are soooo funny sometimes girl hehe
 P – Living and Learning

[p]

Bettie if you are around i am on chat
just missed you
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

So Sorry I missed you guys on the chat.
Most of the weekend went that way, everyone busy with holiday stuff i guess.
Jen has been here all evening, we talked about cg. Man, she doesn’t get it or I can’t explain it. She said her and the bf were talking about it and he doesn’t think this can be an addiction. So I explained the rush, the feelings, and so on. I told her I knew I had another bet but I don’t know that I have another recovery in me. She said, well, there’s just no need for that.
Well, I am a very good actress. I guess she didn’t see the depression, the sadness, the loneliness, the helplessness that all happened around her. She must think I like being here, alone, most nights of the week. I guess I’m blaming and thats not fair. I tried to be a good mom and protect her from my hurt and pain so I guess I did OK.
 I am tired so maybe i’ll hit the hay.
Hope to catch u all soon!
peace
bettie

[salina]

hi bettie! salina here…. i am back unfortunately  tried to talk on chat tonight no one there  i just missed you  hugs…salinathis to shall pass

[janey]

Hi All
Regarding some of the responses on this thread relating to campaigning etc, these posts have been removed for the following reasons.  Gambling therapy is not an “anti gambling” organisation. We are a “gambling neutral” organisation that supports the recovery of compulsive gamblers and their loved ones.  As such it is not appropriate to use these forums as a method of campaigning against the gambling industry.
Kind Regards
Janey

[bettie]

Good Morning All,
Off work, up procrastnating about what i should be doing. GA sponser called. I’m on vacation and don’t feel like doing homework d*mn it! LOL! I told you she was a tough one.
Jen had me running around when she got off of work. I love how she runs off at the checkout! Just like a kid! She told me she can’t believe how much Christmas has cost her this year. Excuse me? Cost her? She said how she was off about $700 with the broken foot. I had to remind her who made up the difference. Cost her? Well thats my fault, i keep giving, she keeps taking.
I’m tired of thinking about being CG. One day maybe a day will pass where I don’t think about gambling, recovery, money, bills, etc. Guess I better not wish for that day, because I think that will only happen when I’m dead! But it does get tiresome of identifing myself as "bettie, compulsive gambler". When do I just get to be "bettie"? I know, I’ll just change my name!
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Good Morning All,
Off work, up procrastnating about what i should be doing. GA sponser called. I’m on vacation and don’t feel like doing homework d*mn it! LOL! I told you she was a tough one.
Jen had me running around when she got off of work. I love how she runs off at the checkout! Just like a kid! She told me she can’t believe how much Christmas has cost her this year. Excuse me? Cost her? She said how she was off about $700 with the broken foot. I had to remind her who made up the difference. Cost her? Well thats my fault, i keep giving, she keeps taking.
I’m tired of thinking about being CG. One day maybe a day will pass where I don’t think about gambling, recovery, money, bills, etc. Guess I better not wish for that day, because I think that will only happen when I’m dead! But it does get tiresome of identifing myself as "bettie, compulsive gambler". When do I just get to be "bettie"? I know, I’ll just change my name!
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Good Morning All,
Off work, up procrastnating about what i should be doing. GA sponser called. I’m on vacation and don’t feel like doing homework d*mn it! LOL! I told you she was a tough one.
Jen had me running around when she got off of work. I love how she runs off at the checkout! Just like a kid! She told me she can’t believe how much Christmas has cost her this year. Excuse me? Cost her? She said how she was off about $700 with the broken foot. I had to remind her who made up the difference. Cost her? Well thats my fault, i keep giving, she keeps taking.
I’m tired of thinking about being CG. One day maybe a day will pass where I don’t think about gambling, recovery, money, bills, etc. Guess I better not wish for that day, because I think that will only happen when I’m dead! But it does get tiresome of identifing myself as "bettie, compulsive gambler". When do I just get to be "bettie"? I know, I’ll just change my name!
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… it does get tiresome of identifing myself as "bettie, compulsive gambler". When do I just get to be "bettie"? …

good morning "Betty", although you are Betty, compulsive gambler – short for Recovering Compulsive Gambler, to Fellow Gamblers that you meet with at meetings, here and during homework, you have become Betty to the rest of world and even to us other CGs outside the confines of our moments of sharing.  There is no crimson CG stamped on your forehead.
Be patient, the day will come when you do not dwell on gambling and it’s affects; and you will feel alive, not dead. Nevertheless, we still need to keep a knowledge of our recovery in our everyday lives.
God.s speed. Stay strong.
Merry Christmas!
Larry

Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.
— 12/21/2010 3:33:57 PM: post edited by paul315.– 12/21/2010 3:35:10 PM: post edited by paul315.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, was good to see you on chat!  Just came home from visit with mom, and was glad I went on chat and was with some good friends.  Take care!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh it’s another day home. My sleep is off, Jen has been running me ragged. But it’s all good!
It’s my first Christmas in recovery and it’s starting to feel more like I remember it.
I dreamed about my dad last night, first time in a long time since he visited me.
I don’t know why but my body just aches. Elbows, legs, maybe all the snow shoveling.
Jen hasn’t figured out what she is doing Christmas Morning. She has been here with me every Christmas, even when she lived in New Jersey and Georgia. One year she drove and spent the night on a frozen closed highway with a broken cell phone, no car charger, and 1/4 tank of gas! That was a fun one! She never drove home for Christmas again, she flew instead.
Haven’t decided what I will do today. Need to get to a meeting, want to bake cookies, need to do laundry.
Life goes on, you know?
Larry, thanks for making me feel a bit more "normal".
Lizbeth, thanks for the post.
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hey Bettie, have a good day, whatever you do.  Enjoy your time off work, as you deserve it!Seize all the good things in life

[lizbeth4]

Bettie, was glad you were on chat!  Stay strong!  Sending you bunches of hugssss!!!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hey,
Sorry to be such a downer on the chat. The mood swings are really bad today. I got an email from a friend and brought her up to date on the FWB situation. Thought it would therapeutic but all it did was bring up such hurtful memories and sadness. Then just to ice the cake, I had to call the landlord because there is a problem with the sewer and I needed to get permission to get it fixed ( so HE can pay for it ). Daughter will not deal with him and couldn’t call, she is working. She had no idea how much it bothers me to call him. Strike two for me!
Now I will get to see her dad as he needs me to let him in her place to do the work.Maybe that will be strike three and I can just climb back in bed and start over!
Not a bad idea really!
peace
bettie

[غير معروف]

hi bettie, Hope the day is getting better. Thank you for the lovely inspiring messages you have left me. thinkin of you todayyou’re worth it!!!!

[p]

Hey Bettie
Things will get better. tomorrow has gotta be a better day..
 P – Living and Learning

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, sorry you are having a bad day, tommorrow will be better! Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

So So sorry to bring you all down with me! Yikes!
Bi Polar or Menopause? Both serious things and I am not making a joke here. Feeling better but it did get worse before it got that way.
Goofy EX didn’t bring enough tools to do the job and has to come back. A total waste of my time. And to top that off had to call the landlord back, and he tells the EX that maybe they are dumping dog doody down the drain! Yea, right! Like you wouldn’t have to touch it to shove it down the drain. Wait till her gets back, I’m gonna rip him a new one!
My head was splitting at that point so I sent the EX on his way and stayed and played with the doggy’s. They are so spoiled (by me) and I love them so much! They love me too. They don’t care if I am rich or poor, skinny or fat, ugly or beautiful. They see me and get so happy and excited! (Well, they get excited for most people, but love me more!) When I go over on my lunch time I buy them their own hamburger-don’t tell my daughter!
So I went from there to a new GA meeting. It was strange to me and took a while for me to warm up. I didn’t plan to say a thing, but was reminded that maybe you think you have nothing to share but what you say may help someone else. I got a funny response to my therapy. I was told that I get more positive all the time! I can’t imagine how bad I must have been in the past if this was a positive one, lol! But I think I have more resolve, and when I voice my feelings I sometimes resolve my issue at the same time.
So to all of you around the world who will start Christmas Eve and Christmas before me. I wish you Peace. Peace of mind, heart and soul. I wish it for myself too.
your friend in recovery
bettie
It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….
Looking for the Wisdom– 12/23/2010 5:42:37 AM: post edited by bettie.

[lynn]

Hi Bettie, I can see a really big difference in your initial post and what you are now. You have done a wonderful job at staying gambling free! It’s very inspiring.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, your not bringing us down, everyone goes through bad times, we all vent, that’s what we are here for, to support each other through tough times.  I want you to have the best Xmas ever!  You are very inspirational, you’ve helped me through alot, and your advice and caring has helped me through alot of tough times! Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Alright Everyone!
I have been posting like crazy trying not to miss anyone! I know I failed as I am out of time but please know I am thinking of you all! I don’t know ( and don’t care to know ) where I would be without you! Merry Christmas!
I spent the day with Jen yesterday. She had a take your family to work day. Had food and drinks all day. She was one of the organizer’s. Poor kid, at the end of the short day her boss yelled at her about not doing any work! She said she did what was needed but he thought she blew off the whole day. Long story short she felt very slighted and embarrassed to be chewed out by a ( drunk ) boss with me there. I told her now to worry, hence the source, but I feel bad for her, She cried all the way home and was just sick about it all day!
I stopped in and my work and guess what? I MADE MY GOAL!!!! $21 dollars over! Merry Christmas to me! I have 4 days to make up some "insurance" dollars, as we never know what they will disqualify so my work is not quite done but I am SO HAPPY going into the holiday with that off my chest! Thank you for all your prayers and support! ( just keep the prayers coming!!)
I’ll be around but have a ton to do before the party starts! my family celebrates today so lots of little things to get done. Never did any baking but sure have eaten enough cookies to last the rest of the year!
peace
bettie
 

[lizbeth4]

Bettie, gald you mad your goal!  Have a Merry Xmas!Seize all the good things in life

[thedeviliknow]

Have a very Merry Christmas Bettie. I’m sure you’ll be making very merry indeed. Will there be any figgy pudding? Give the dogs a good pat for us.My vice is the dice for life !!!

[vera]

You made your goal B! Good woman!
Happy Christmas!

[bettie]

Home, Finally!
Thank God the holiday finds me with a day off tomorrow to recover.
I had a nice holiday with the family. Mine yesterday and my ex’s today. My sister is in love with the Tequila I used for the margaritas for our Mexican Christmas eve, will need to get her one for her birthday. The Great niece was so sweet! 8 months now. I bought her a soft teddy bear and she just squeezed it and wouldn’t let go! What a cute age!
Had to laugh at my ex husbands house. His wife said it wouldn’t be Christmas if I didn’t fall asleep in the recliner. She says they take an annual photo of me sleeping and I look so cute! lol! The gave me a gift, a pumpkin candle ( my favorite) and a gift card to a clothing store. I told her she shouldn’t as I only buy for her son and her grand kids, but she said she wanted to do something extra for me, as last year I looked so down and stressed. ( I look back and you know what? she was right!)
We spotted a really drunk driver on the highway and called the police. Hope they got him, Swerving left and right, just a matter of time before he hit someone. Snowing, icy and he was doing about 40 mph in a 65 mph zone.
Looking for a snack but ate like a pig! Guess I should be using the new workout DVD and work out clothes I got.
All in all, a pretty nice holiday.
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Glad you have a good Xmas!  I did too!!Seize all the good things in life

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for the chat Bettie!  You are awesome, don’t forget that. Seize all the good things in life

[kathryn]

Hi Bettie,
Glad to read of your wonderful Christmas, it was lovely talking to you today.  I stayed in my PJ’s for the whole day and didnt have a shower until 7pm tonight!!!!  I know….lazy, lazy, lazy.  But by gosh it was nice!
Hope to talk to you soon my friend, remember how special you are to all of us all over the world!!
Love, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I was having strong urges to gamble this morning.  But I thought everything through, and remembered alot of things you have told me, and got through it.  Thanks, hope you have a wonderful day!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just a quick note. 3 more days of work the off again! I did add a decent account yesterday and hope for a few more. I saw that they had taken away credit for something, now down to $16 over the goal but I expected that.
Oh Lizbeth, I wish I had seen your post yesterday. I hate hate hate urges! Funny when I was busy yesterday I didn’t think of being cg, urges, anything gambling related. It will be good when your projects start.
Kathryn, I started reading your thread from the start last night. Thanks a lot, I didn’t get much sleep! lol!
Well I didn’t mention I got maybe 5 more scratch tickets during Christmas. In my hand and out! Not even going there! Just one less temptation!
"the Landlord" should be back in town. Jen’s dad has not gotten the plumbing fixed yet. Did I mention her bedroom door is "missing?" I told her he will insist on coming in if it’s not resolved. She screams at me, "He can’t come in here!"
Well, if a repair needs to be done, YES he can.
I hate being in the middle. I must still love the drama, since I created this mess!
Deep breath. Maybe I’ll get "lucky" and he won’t call. Well, we know my "luck" don’t we?
odaat
peace
bettie

[kwbwmom]

Hi bettie… Just wanted to send a cyber hug your way….. I have the week off of work, and have so many things planned to do…. Let’s see how far down I get on my list LOL"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Kwb, thanks for the hug!
Guess who called?
I told him off about the plumbing. I asked him when he had the 10 people living there (he claimed 4) had he done any maintenance at all?? I mean really, there is just the two of them. Did they really grow the tree roots that were pulled from the pipes? And anyway, did he really think they unscrewed the cover on the sewer just to push doody down the drain?? His reply, well i never had this trouble before. I came over and the floor was wet. Well Of course it was! They MOPPED it! You did no repairs for 2-3 years what do you expect?
He got off the phone pretty quick after that. Maybe he will think twice about plying me with bath robes and soap!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, sorry you have to deal with the landlord.  What a mess!  I’m ok, the urges wern’t here today, thank goodness.  Was feeling sick today, a touch of a cold, was around sickies at Xmas, must of caught some of their germs, taking medicine, and feeling better tonight.  Take care!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

hey guys!
Sorry our time was up!
Christina, nice to meet you!
Lizbeth, always a pleasure! Sorry we stopped on a bad note but we sure have come a long way from those dark days haven’t we?
Michelle, you are coming right along! What a chatterbox! It is lovely sissy!
peace
bettie

[christinamary]

It was nice to chat with you all for a few minutes.  Thank you for the support.  It really does me good to see that people can stay clean for a very long time.   We just have to make up our minds, hmmm…
Mind made up,
CM

[bettie]

I think I have a pretty unique urge problem. Oh So Lucky am I! lol!
I had a regular customer come to reopen her savings account, with a check from the casino. I believe she is a Cg, retired. lonely, widowed, typical. Very sweet lady. We talked about gambling, why she liked to do it. Boredom being her number one reason. She mentioned that she didn’t really win, just got some of her own money back. I had to ask the details, I won’t feed your cg with the retelling. Thats the part that makes me mad, I just couldn’t resist! And after feeding that demon guess what? Oh come now, you must know??
Urges.
Just what i deserve, just what I asked for.
Well they passed, as they will if you let them.
I advised her not to go back, if she really won she would have no need to. Hopefully I made her think a little.
Don’t be complacent
peace
bettie

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie! I know it’s a few days later than most, but family has taken up all my time (and rightly so) this Christmas. Just wanted to say, I am so pleased you were able to enjoy a good time with those around you. You are certainly right about your post, it is an unusual one for sure. It’s good logic kicked in and the urges passed. Well done you! All the best, T.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Tx for the post pdc, glad to see you had a good holiday season.
Woke up early with many concerns today. Up at 5am with a nagging pain in my right hip/side. Back aching yesterday too. Got on the scale, MOST UNHAPPY there! Gaining weight, not like I am trying not to but d*mn it, all i have to do is eat a few junkie things and I have a massive weight gain ( OK, exaggerating there ) but for "normal" people they just don’t gain like I do. It makes me question my recovery. I have been told repeatedly don’t stress about your eating, don’t stress about your smoking. One thing at a time, give yourself a break.
If I just transition back to eating to build the "wall of fat" to hide behind then I have to question if I am really making progress or just kidding myself. I am frustrated, can you tell?
My gf is having a New Years Eve  party. She is also "fixing me up" with a blind date for the event. I should be excited but I am almost dreading it. I am ashamed of my weight. I am thinking about backing out.  
I’m going to make myself get up and move today. I think a workout may be out of the question. Think I’ll call the Chiropractor  today and get a massage, that will help the hip a bit I think. A massage, maybe a pedicure ( I got a gift card for Christmas for that ), maybe a new "do". I have to do something to get out of this slump. Maybe I am sleep typing and this is all a dream.
catch u later
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, we are always hardest on ourselves.  You should go get a massage. pedicure, and "new do’.  We need to learn to put ourselves first, I’m still working on that one.  Go to the party and enjoy yourself.  You are worth it!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Sorry if this post is fueled with rum and tequila. My brother gave me a wonderful gift for Christmas, a video from Christmas past. I have cried my eyes out! My Sweet brother, playing with my daughter and niece, my dear sweet daddy, playing with the grands! On My GOD! I miss them SO MUCH!
So precious, the memories of Christmas past!
I want to scream at the video image you have only 6 years left! Make the most of them! but it’s too late! I can’t change a thing in the Past! i am so mad! Why did my niece have to grow up without my brother?
 Such is life i guess. There as actually a Christmas where I am thin ,lol! I am so pleased to see it. Christmas 1992, pre CG. a time when I lost my weight for a second time, D*amn! I look GOOD!
I’m looking at my daughter , Christmas 1992. 2 years before that car hits her and changes our lives forever!
Funny. looking into the past. I was so filled with life then. I had forgotten, the life without gambling.
bettie
 
— 12/31/2010 2:59:51 AM: post edited by bettie.
— 12/31/2010 3:14:09 AM: post edited by bettie.– 12/31/2010 12:20:15 PM: post edited by bettie.

[christinamary]

Bettie – I hope you made it to the chiro, got a massage and a pedicure so you’ll be ready for the party with your friend.  Go!  So you’re not as thin as you were in ’92?  So what?  I’m not, either.  Have fun!

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… Funny. looking into the past. I was so filled with life then. I had forgotten, the life without gambling.

Good morning Betty,
"Such is life", and eventhough there have been losses and unwanted changes, we taking each day without gambling fills us with life; and a precious life at that.
To borrow from Kathryn’s closing – "To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan"; but alas, the adventures carry disappointments and adversities as well. Yet we can choose not to add the devastation and anguish or any additional troubles brought about by gambling.
God’s speed my friend. Stay strong.
Have a Happy Gambling Free New Year in 2011
 
Larry

Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.– 12/31/2010 11:17:20 AM: post edited by paul315.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Knew I would have to do a little edit on last nights post!
Larry, "such is life". I guess that is acceptance for me. "To accept the things I can not change." Don’t we all wish a step back in time, just to tweak things a bit. Well that will never happen but if only……
CM, I know we just met so you couldn’t  know about the weight issue and me. I always refer back to 1992-1994 as the 5 minutes I was thin. I worked very hard, lost over 100 lbs ( the 2nd time in my life ) only to gain it all back plus more after my girl was hit by a car and nearly killed. I have since lost that weight again, but having a lot more to loose and being 15 years older I have not gotten to where I would really like to be. But, thats OK. Usually by now I’ve gained it all back but i have basically maintained the last 2 years. Time to change it up, work it out, and get myself back on track.
I did see the chiropractor.( got my feet done too! ) We set up 12 sessions for strength training and therapy. I wanted to do this last year but didn’t have the money. I still don’t have the money but if I don’t do something about this back I will continue to use it as an excuse not to exercise. Nothing changes if nothing changes. My doctor wanted me to get therapy for my leg pain, he says it’s my back, so this will kill two birds with one stone. Chiropractor took one look at me yesterday, and remarked how out of whack my back is. Lying flat she could see how much higher my right hip is than my left. Kind of like a pretzel. I can see that when I dress, so I know she is on the mark with that.
OK enough about my medical issues, hope you are not asleep at your PC right now wondering if I am still under the influence! lol! No I’m not but my head hurts!
I don’t think I will be back on today as I work, have GA, then ( maybe ) the party. Will see how it goes!
See u all next year!
Happy New Year Everyone!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

 Happy New Years Bettie!!  Have fun at the party!!Seize all the good things in life

[lizbeth4]

I’m done trying to figure out Mom’s problem, lifes too short, and I still have some living to do.  Take care!Seize all the good things in life

[thedeviliknow]

Happy New Year Bettie! Hope you get yourself feeling better very soon. Take care.My vice is the dice for life !!!

[bettie]

Home from the party, all is well.
Had a nice time. My friends cousin seemed nice but was well into his holiday drink by the time I got there. He complemented my boots and made my day. He said I looked good in my jeans. Guess he had more than a few drinks, lol!
Happy New Years!
peace
bettie

[kathryn]

Hiya Bettie,
Girl, we have to take any compliment we can and run with it!!! 
I hope you wiggled a bit more because of it!!!
I wish you every bit of happiness in 2011 and i hope to share a lot of my 2011 with you!!!
Take care my lovely, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Got on the scale kathryn, that wiggle is more like a wobble!
OMG! Time to get it together.
I plan to go visit a friend today, so I want to get on it and get moving. Even a very little workout is something. Need to get back in the habbit and out of some other bad ones. My belly is awful! Need to stop feeding it as it has a life of it’s own.
I am off this week so I have no excuse not to do something!
peace
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

Home from the party, all is well.
… He complemented my boots …

Happy New Year Betty.
Was "boots" a typo; did you mean Boo*s instead, or did he really have way too much to drink?  lolLarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[lizbeth4]

Hi, Bettie, sounds like you had a good new years!  Happy New Years, 2011!!!Seize all the good things in life

[finding_laura]

Happy New Year B!!!
Has been good seeing you in chat this weekend.
take care,
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Firstly I must say I had a pleasant visit and a nice lunch with an old friend of mine. Thanks Jules! ( you know everyone who reads this is jealous I got to meet you! oh, and not to mention JAKE, what a sweet pup! LOL!! )
Always good to catch up on the chat! Tx Laura! (and SO many others!!) Lizbeth, hey you are doing great!
Hey Larry,
No typo! Jules saw my boots and loved them too! ( and she was NOT drinking! ) That really tickled me! We shall not discuss my "assets" as it were!! No offence taken! You are a funny guy!
peace
bettie– 1/3/2011 3:27:44 AM: post edited by bettie.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I want a pair of those boots!  I’m doing good, feeling alot stronger about myself and my resolve not to gamble!  Glad you have a good lunch with Jules!  Take care!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

I am ticked off!
My STUPID ( and I am being VERY kind with that description! ) boss calls at 5pm to tell me he never "approved" my time off and I have to work tomorrow. This is the same as the "landlord" telling me he never told me $600 for the rent.
Am I loosing my mind here?
Early December I approached him about taking my remaining days off as he would not let me take them sooner. Asst Manager was off first week. I asked for the 2nd. No, he couldn’t give me that as he was taking that week. Fine, I’ll take the third and 4 th week. No, I could have the third but HE was taking the 4th. OK then, that pushes me into January. Can I take the 1st week off? Yea that should be OK. ( We are not allowed to carry over time)
So before he leaves for his first week I tell him you know We will not see each other for a month, as we had each taken every other week. His response, just make sure you make the goal. Period. End of discussion.
What did I miss? Am I nuts?
Good thing I am in town but that does put a monkey wrench in my plan to workout tomorrow. I told him I was sorry that he misunderstood how the time would work.
I hate starting the year this way. Deep breath. I hate the stress and have a hard time letting it go. The assistant tells me I take things the wrong way. I feel picked on and singled out for this kind of treatment. Thin skin I guess. Don’t know how to get past it.
Hauling Christmas stuff down to the basement. Took down the tree, hadn’t planned to but I had to do something to rid myself of this angry energy. It’s late and I didn’t eat. Maybe I’ll take off and get a salad.
peace
bettie

[غير معروف]

What??  Do you have to fill out a vacation request for time off?  Is there anything on paper?  I’m sorry you aren’t getting the time off you want and NEED!  If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

He makes the rules as he goes. Yes, he is supposed to sign off on a form however I asked him if he wanted one and he said no. This is MY mistake and I will credit myself for that.
He is just not a good manager. He doesn’t know how to schedule ( we had 3 tellers all day New Years Eve, a VERY busy day ).  In Fact, the time he took he wasn’t entitled to. His manager doesn’t monitor his time and called looking for him last week as he was not aware that he was off.
Breath Breath Breath………..
My Tiger Kitty escaped as I came in the door. Ungrateful thing! Got to make an extra trip to the basement and had to chase him back up as he is too big to carry and will bite at you if you pick him up!
Ate my salad. Time to tackle the tree.
Next year this place will look like Scrooge lives here!
bettie
 

[p]

Hi Bettie
Sorry to hear about the goings on at work.. i am glad though you are getting the tree down, eating a salad, nice and healthy.. and you are still here with us all! I tried to take a little break,, who was i kidding huh, i miss everyone too much
P – Living and Learning

[mobikom]

Happy New Year Bettie :)"You cannot change the system but you can change who you are"."I would not gamble with money i do not have" and "Make promises i can’t keep".

[vera]

Sorry to hear aout the mix up with your leave!
Im on hols this week and I started it off with flu!
When WILL you get the time off? Hope you don’t have to forfeit it!
Don’t tell me you are keeping a CAT that bites if he doesn’t get his own way!
I know what I would do to him!
I hate cats! We have 3-one and two kittens, outside the back door…they RUN when they see me!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, sorry you have to return to work early.  Nothing can bring you down faster than a bad boss, I have had my share!  Keep your chin up!! I do believe in karma, create bad karma and it comes back to you!  Hang in there!Seize all the good things in life

[غير معروف]

Bettie, what happened at work yesterday about your vacation days?If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
So yesterday, what a pain! I went into work, got a little "oh so sorry this happened" from the assistant manager. In reality the biggest issue was 1. She didn’t want to work alone. 2. He didn’t want to come in.
Typical of his poor management skills there are only 4 of us and he gives himself and the other banker Tuesdays off so  when the assistant or I am off it interferes with HIS social life ( his "girlfriend" is also off Tuesdays ). While I do feel singled out ( which is MY issue ) this is really about HIM. If the same situation had happened with the other banker the result would be the same. I have to deal with him better. This is part of my growth. It’s NOT ABOUT ME! It is not personal. " change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
So yes, I am off the rest of the week! Yeah!! I’m am a bit sidetracked but hope to get some cleaning done, kill the dust bunny army that patrols my place too. They are relentless you know!
Yes Vera, I do have a cat that will bite the hand that feeds it! Typical of the male’s I attract I say, lol! But I love him anyways, he is not vicious, but will give a nip when he’s overexcited. That little b*st*rd ran out that door two more times and yesterday I left him in the hall for a bit. I just walked in the door and I refused to chase him. ( thats what he wants ) So i walked in the hall. called his name and brought a can of food with me. He can move pretty fast when food is involved and ran right back up the stairs.
Oh so something really creepy happened last night. I was chatting on safe harbor and I heard this noise. It went on and on, like a motor running. I look up and it’s my VCR, which I rarely use, rewinding and chewing up a video tape, then spitting it out! How did that happen?? I was no where near the thing, haven’t used it in months. Weird! I turned it off, maybe i need to unplug it too and banish it to the basement or trash. I think it’s possessed! Yikes!!
To "A", if you are reading this, I was very glad to chat with you last night. I know you are dealing with a lot of emotions right now. Anything is possible, you CAN change things. YOU have a choice. Look at the stories here, the success, the trials, the failure and the triumphs! Take the info that you can use, leave the rest. I look forward to you starting your own thread and getting the advice you deserve. We tried to do it our way and we mucked it up pretty good. Time to surrender! Time to try something new! YOU are WORTH IT!
peace
bettie

[غير معروف]

Hey Beattie, Hope the New Year getting better for you.
As for your boss- think you should bring your cat to work and get it to bite him -hard-where it hurts!!!
Happy New Yearyou’re worth it!!!!

[p]

Hi Bettie
Shame about the boss thing.. i am glad now though you will have some days off.. good luck chasing those dust bunnies hehe.. your cat sounds a character.. cats are the best.. i love all animals but cats are a fave of mine for sure and i get so much pleasure just watching them sometimes.. its better than tv!! I hope you are having a good day today and i also hope to see you on chat again soon..
P – Living and Learning

[thedeviliknow]

Hey Bettie..just checkin’ in to let you know we’re with you on the day to day.
I don’t think Vera really hates cats if she keeps three of them. We have a beautiful jet black female domestic short hair about 5 years old that is all love except for the rare bird kill or mouse delivery.
Cool poltergeist in your VCR.My vice is the dice for life !!!

[bettie]

OK I’m sure you are ready for some gossip!
The News Year Date, lol!
Strike one, drunk before I got there.
Strike two, bad breath
ball one, said he would call next day but waited two
ball two, suggested he come to my place for some candle light and movie
Strike three, left me a message using another female name then called and left the same message but used my name that time!
I can remember a time not so long ago I would have still gone out with this Clown. I would have been so glad for the attention.
Not anymore.
Now the FWB is scheduled to be back tomorrow. I wonder if he will call. I will not be calling him. He’s had 6 weeks to think about the apology that he should have given me before he left and yet he never called me with it!
I’m sure HE wasn’t lonely over the Holidays.
I have to be strong and just like banning casinos i need to ban myself from him.
peace
bettie

[غير معروف]

That’s the Bettie that I love!  The way I see it is we are getting older and why waste time on men who are not worthy?  They take away the potential of finding one who is.  Hang in there girl.  Our princes are out there somewhere.  And when one of us finds him, hopefully he has a brother for the other one of us….lolIf you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[vera]

B!
The best advice you got was from Sad..
"Bring the cat to work"…
Get his teeth sharpened, and his claws for FWB’s return!
As for the other , brain-damaged dude (wherever you found him)…
**** *** ** *** **** *** ***!
(I wouldn’t even DARE print my advice!!

[p]

Way to go Bettie
I like that spirit you have!!!! good for you.. see you in group maybe soon?
P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi ALL!
Well, home all day today. Checked in on a few chats and did some cleaning. The dust bunny army has called a full blown retreat and is hiding in the spare bedroom and closets now!
If i do nothing again tomorrow I may tackle in there. I want to paint the kitchen and it needs major ceiling repairs so the room needs to be empty so I can move everything in there. I also want to start my ebay account and rid myself of some "casino" related decors. Why throw it out? Some of it is antique and would make a nice decoration for someone else who has a game room or something.
I worked out with the therapist yesterday. I have never been this sore before! I have a pain in my neck and thighs. (She made me do squats ! OMG!!) I did my own workout today and believe me that didn’t help! To top it off i got on the scale and am up a few pounds too! Insult to injury! Well, lots of other reasons for that and I expect to see some change in a week or two. Hard to feel like you are suffering and getting no result. Wonder what I can relate that to? Hummm…..
Catch u on the chat!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, thanks for your recent post!  I remember 2 months ago when I first came to this site, and chat.  You were the first person I talked to, and your advice and humor kept me coming back and putting into motion the barriers and help I needed to start my recovery.  So, you have been my inspirtation!!  I have come along way, thank you for your support!!Seize all the good things in life

[p]

Hi Bettie
Well done on the cleaning and painting… good idea for the ebay acount, i have thought of it many times but cant for the life of me figure it out.. i know it is simple surely but no…its complicated for me haha.. i sympathize with you about the squats.. omg if anything hurts its your legs the next 2 days after those.. heheh we are gluttons for punishment hey but i think its fantastic that you did them.. i need to get off my butt and get into gym too, ive put it off for a bit, time to get moving.. have a meeting today for GA so looking forward to that… hope to see you on chat soon
P – Living and Learning

[p]

Hi Bettie
Well done on the cleaning and painting… good idea for the ebay acount, i have thought of it many times but cant for the life of me figure it out.. i know it is simple surely but no…its complicated for me haha.. i sympathize with you about the squats.. omg if anything hurts its your legs the next 2 days after those.. heheh we are gluttons for punishment hey but i think its fantastic that you did them.. i need to get off my butt and get into gym too, ive put it off for a bit, time to get moving.. have a meeting today for GA so looking forward to that… hope to see you on chat soon
P – Living and Learning

[غير معروف]

Hi Beattie, Pain from squats sounds somehow rewarding!!! Like virtuous  or something. Need to do some myself to rid myself of the flab I have aquired sitting at slots. Only my poor wrist  got exercise!!! And think it has repetitive strain injury LOL. Feeling inspired by you once again. Keep going . great to hear you sounding so upbeat!!!
As for the man maybe he was nervous…..????
 you’re worth it!!!!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Vera tried 4 or 5 time to get back to the chat! It’s really a mess tonight. I will get my head on straight, someday.
The FWB called this morning. I was oh so glad to hear from him. What is wrong with me? This is the one who has no affection for me, so he says. Stupidy 1, self esteem 0.
Did well, worked out and added more pain to my legs today. I’ve sat in this chair and not moved since. I’m pms to boot! Ate some of the chocolate chips that i didn’t use to bake cookies with! Watch out world, Monday here I come!
The thought was to start the painting, never even got started. This has been a wasted week.
MOODS! YUCK!!
bettie

[bettie]

OK Saturday Part 2
I’ve been terrorizing the chat all nite, sorry guys! The FWB called again. So nice, so sweet, talking like we’ll pick up right where we left off. I went right along with it. I’ve missed him, yet we were not on good terms when he left. Long story short, he went out of his way to hurt my feelings, and I called him on it.
I have to stand up for myself, I just have to! He was always a distraction from gambling for me, he even went with me a few times, my treat of course!
I know what to do here. I can not let things go back to what they were between us. I am so tired of being someones dirty little secret. We are supposed to be friends. Really? His friends are around him at all hours, I can only come by after everyone is cleared out. We used to go to lunch, now he can’t be seen in public with me. Why? Because his estranged wife is the same age as my daughter and I don’t measure up. Not to mention that he’s still "with" her, when she’s willing to put up with his bull xxxx!
As sick as I am of my CG life I am even more sick of this one. This theme has followed me my whole life, even though I did NOT act on it. Girlfriends husbands have always been an issue for me. I must have the word "desperate" stamped on my head! The bloodsuckers can see an easy mark.
I am terrified that I will let him go and eat instead. If I just transition back to compulsive eating what have I accomplished here? Same sick way of dealing with a compulsive life. Sex, gambling, eating, drinking. Where does it stop? All escapism, all ways of checking out of this life that has become so worthless and un-fullfilling. Wasted space.
Why do I have to go through this at least once a month? I feel like the rug had been pulled yet once again. I almost feel like closing this thread, as you must be reading this and saying OMG, not this cr*p yet again? Does she ever stop whining??– 5/26/2011 3:13:59 AM: post edited by bettie.

[christinamary]

Well Bettie, when you’re typing you can’t eat!  And I think a diary is a good way to process feelings.  type away!  At least you are not gambling.  Nice to see you on chat tongith!

[raez]

Hi Bettie!  I wasn’t sure where to post to you but we were in a chat a few minutes ago and I had to break when my husband popped in- anyway bad timing because you had mentioned "see- a higher power"   I replied "what higher power?"   I thought you were saying SEE" higher power" like it was a part of the GT web site I should "see".  Well…when I got back on the chat- you had thought you may have offended me- you certainly didn’t.  I am confused about god right now- maybe not so much god as MY personal spirituality.  But anyhow- you did not offend me and I just wanted to clear that up!  Take care and wishing u the best :)You never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only choice you have.

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Sorry for the confusion Raez, No ball no foul!
Well at least I’m not a raving maniac today. Got out did a bit if shopping and am as ready for work as I can be. My asst manager called to make sure I was coming in. I said Of course, I made no arrangements to be off. She says well X said you were working and we have to stay late tomorrow and (my partner) stayed for the last one and bla bla bla!
Why did she find it necessary to rile me up before I had to face tomorrow?
I have to remind myself I’m not being picked on. I am too thin skinned, etc. Deep Breath!
I am wide awake and have myself stressed pretty good so I will take a pill and hope for the best. I am just dreading walking in tomorrow!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, hope you had a good day at work.Seize all the good things in life

[غير معروف]

Hey there miss B!  How are things going?If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Christinamarie, u underestimate me! I can eat, drink, smoke and post all at the same time! lol!
OMG I am so sore!
Worked out with the terrorist, i mean therapist and she made me do lunges! Has she seen my size? Hello? Little miss "I’m so d*mn tiny and cute", I’m 3 times your size! My skeleton is bigger than you! OUCH!!
Oh well, maybe a wee bit of exaggeration but not much!
Took a nice hot shower, sitting on my heat/massager as my butt hurts!
Well work has been OK. Slow and I got my review. Trying very hard to keep it together at work. I got a meets expectations rating while I know others that don’t lift a finger to do one extra thing are rated higher. I got dinged for missing the goal for one quarter but get this. Everyone missed one but I am the only one held accountable because they only factored the first 3 quarters. I missed q3 and made q4, they missed q4 and got full credit. What is wrong with this picture? But remember, I am not being singled out or picked on. ( It’s all in my head). There is no recourse. His rating is final, unless I want to raise h*ll and risk my job.
Well, it is what it is.
I had a little urge today. It happens sometimes, no reason, no trigger, just look in the mirror and my brain plans a casino visit or remembers one. Weird but I must always be aware. Complacency, #1 reason for relapse.
The FWB came into work today. He was waiting for me in the parking lot when I got to work. He walked up to me, wished me a Happy New year and went to kiss me on the mouth no less. I turned my head. He got my cheek.
I was nice, i did miss him, but after taking care of his bank business he carried on like it was business as usual. I told him we still had things to discuss as I had not forgotten our last meeting. He said he would call. He also told me he as he was leaving, hey, nice boots! lol!
To be continued…..
peace
bettie
 

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, sorry work sucks right now.  I have urges, that come out of nowhere, but they go away.  What kind of boots do you have, they must be awesome, need some. Have a good day!Seize all the good things in life

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie.
Life seems so unfair sometimes . It always seems to be that the lazy ones get the credit while the workers get pulled up over every little thing,
Maybe they have just learned to ‘play the game’ better.
I notice in my work while I am busy doing my job, others are gaining brownie points by sucking up while their job goes undone.
And it really doesn’t matter.
Maybe I over compensate at work because I have made such a mess of the gambling part of my life. I don’t know.
Tomorrow I am going to try a new game plan….. going to do some major boss flattering……. Will let you know how it goes….. Onwards and upwards!
you’re worth it!!!!

[bettie]

Hey Guys, Thanks for the moral support.
Looks like my co partner will go for the assistants job in May when she retires. As I am stuck with her reports when she is gone I did a bit of training of my own and "assigned" him the report today. He wants the job, He needs to to the thankless work I’m stuck with all the time. The manager is grooming him. He can have it, but it puts me in a really bad place. I could ( should) have that job however I will not ( and have made known) that I won’t cover my bosses *ss like the assistant does now so he really doesn’t want me. I need to get off my butt and decide what the heck I’m going to do. I am doubtful that I can transfer as when a job is posted the hiring manager talks to the current manager and mine knows a hard working slob when he sees one. Even though he doesn’t like me he needs me and he knows it. I have 14 years at this company and do not want to start over and loose all my vacation time. I just don’t know what to do! Guess I need to look outside the company but banking is just awful and I have no education or other job skills.
"Oh, I’ll think about that later, after all, tomorrow, is another day!"
I’ve been watching "Gone with the Wind" again. Can u tell?
off to bed, see the therapist for more torture tomorrow am.
peace
bettie

[paul315]

 
Originally posted by bettie

… I won’t cover my bosses *ss like the assistant does now so he really doesn’t want me (in that position) …
…  Even though he doesn’t like me he needs me and he knows it …
… I just don’t know what to do! …
 
 
Goof morning Betty,
First it is good to see that your post did not have to tell of doing other things when you are in this position of not knowing what to do; good to see that you are staying gambling free and that your work in recovery is letting you look at the other aspects of your life in a clearer way.
Kissing a bosses *ss is not the same as doing what is natural in protecting a business and promoting it; something that you seem to be good at and have been doing over the past years. Sometimes being promoted into a management position can stifle this qualification and make life more miserable by having to deal with conscience instead of horse’s rears. Working as a supervisor takes away from the duties at hand and in fact involves covering up mistakes, not necessary the culprit, but the mistake to preserve the business.  I am speaking from my past labor/management relations experience in a union and know that some people are just not cut out to be the one needed to do the nasty task. I myself turned down advancement and promotions into a management positions more than once; I could not see myself doing what I was confronting others of doing while protecting the rights of the workers and promoting good business at the same time. 
Give a lot of thought in keeping doing what you are good at and are recognized for. The recognition may not come in the form of an advancement and symbolic title, but recognition earned is better than recognition paid for by conformizing integrity. 
Today’s email from Ken L below may be about relationships with our life partners, but it can also apply to our working environments and our making ourselves emotionally absent from our true happiness. Be aware of your fears and turn them over to your Higher Power – you can even say, "Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn".
 
.
  Today’s thought from Hazelden is:

Our problem is that we expect to feel secure.

Many of us have had past crises and problems, yet our worries and anxieties continue in the present. We believe that our situation causes our fears and we say, "If only things were different, I could relax." Yet even when everything is going well, we still get anxious that something unseen is amiss. When we are immersed in our fears, unable to let go and live life joyfully, we may become emotionally absent from our loved ones (or ourselves).

Our problem is not that life is insecure. Of course it is. Our problem is that we expect to feel secure. We put great energy into achieving control and having everything "just right," but quite naturally we end up without control. Then we think something is wrong. Instead, we can choose to turn our fears over to our Higher Power. We do that by talking about our fears, taking the steps we can, and trusting our Higher Power for the outcomes. Then we return to emotional contact in our relationship.

Tell your partner something you fear and turn it over to your Higher Power. 
You are reading from the book:
 
The More We Find In Each Other by Merle Fossum and Mavis Fossum
 
 
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie,
I have been reading a book called inspired destiny – and I kinda went along with the exercises and for the first time ever I came up with with a great idea to tie all the things I would love from my working life together.
I thought it was impossible because the things I would love to be doing are so varied and I am only trained in one area and in a flash of inspiration I came up with my ideal business as I went through one of the exercises. One I can set up with no money lol!!!
Don’t know if books your thing but maybe worth a try.
I always think when what we’re doing makes us unhappy it’s life giving us the push to change it.
This could apply to gambling!!! Or a job !!!Or then again it could be running away!!
Anyway something like this book might help you appreciate your talents more!!
If you went for promotion would you have to cover up things?
Could you not introduce a new way of doing things? Like maybe admitting to mistakes and then putting them right???
Sometimes I look at the clowns in charge and think I am never going to change things from down here and thus feel motivated to move up the ladder!!
But think my face does not fit too well either. LOL!!!
Keep posting .
you’re worth it!!!!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh Larry, kiss and covering are two different things! lol! I am afraid that my lack of turning him in is complacency, fear of the unknown, like will the next boss be worse?
I just talked to my sponsor and she said I need to feel out the market and get my resume’ out there. You’re right, she’s right, and I am just lazy.
The therapy today left me feeling totally sore even though we didn’t work on the legs. Really i have done as little as possible as it hurts to walk. Harry told me this morning while i was crying on the chat that it will feel better. Harry doesn’t lie, he’s a straight shooter so I will take his word for it and keep going even though I don’t want to. I will do my best.
Trying to work the serenity prayer here, change what i can. and get moving. I am creating chaos just like a good cg should! Got lots of balls in the air and not working on anything in particular. Need to settle in one or two areas of concern and prioritize the rest.
living and learning
this too shall pass
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, thanks for the encouraging words, and I never thought about a humidifier.  Dealt with another nosebleed during the day, but the little guy and I got through it.  I have gone to Alanon before, to deal with husbands issues. It did help, maybe it’s time to go back. I think the idea of getting your resumes out there is great, you have alot to offer, sometimes it’s hard to make changes.  Take care!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hey Sad,
U posted when I did so i missed your post. The things covered up are of a personal nature. He’s having an affair with one of the tellers. He also doesn’t do a thing all day and comes and go’s as he pleases. He has a "lucky star" I swear! If the regional happens to pop in he gets there 5 minutes before! He knows how to play the games. I am too honest and could never get on the daily calls and lie about the appointments made and what the branch is doing to get business.
I could go on and on. If anyone who knows me in real life would read this thread i would be discovered for sure!
Thanks for the book suggestion, I will look for it.
Lizbeth, always so good to hear from you!
catch u on the weekend!
peace
bettie

[finding_laura]

hey Bettie,
just trying to do a little catching up.  Hang in there.  Deep breath.  I understand about the too many balls in the air.  My NP says make small changes at a time.  Incorporate them and then, when routine, make some more small changes.  Now this is health related advise, but I think it can work for other things too.  Little by little we can get there B.  It will get better.
hugsssss,
Laura

[غير معروف]

Excellent advice Laura!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I too get too many things going at once, that’s part of my personality.  Your boss will be found out, he can’t go on covering up his actions forever. I worked for the same company over 25 years, had my share of bad bosses, who lied and cheated with other employees, it does catch up to them eventually.  I can say I had a handful of bosses, who did their jobs and earned my respect.(that’s not saying much in 25 years, I always said, where do they find these people. Just hang in there, and put your feelers out there for a new job.  Just a thought. Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Boy, did I have to set my co partner straight. He was across the branch hanging out on the teller side talking to a customer. From across the room he’s asks if I am busy, I said no. He proceeds to tell the customer that "My" banker can take care of that for you." The customer declined but said he would check next time. I almost blew a fuse! I stormed across the branch to find my new "boss". I let him have it! "I herd you tell the customer that "your" banker could take care of him". "Oh no, I said a banker". "Bull Sh*t! The last time I checked you didn’t sign my check and until u do don’t you Ever refer to me as YOUR banker!"
The assistant said I was too hard on him but I don’t think so. It was a service issue and believe me had the guy wanted a new account he would have run across the bank to get him.
Oh just a sample of things to come i am afraid. I looked at the job postings today and found one for Teller Supervisor at a branch about 30 minutes away. I think I will bypass the formal request and talk to the hiring manager first, just to get the preemptive strike.
OK, got that off my chest. Had a gambling thought while I was in the shower of all places. Make sense really. Getting cleaned up, ready to go out, Saturday night. Now I’m all dressed up with no place to go! LOL! ( Really, I worked out, and tired and sitting in my pj’s.)
Slow chats lately! Everyone’s got a life or cured!
Wish I was one of them!
peace
bettie

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie
Well done for standing up for yourself!! As for your boss I always said there is no such thing as Karma, but I am seeing so many people reap what they have sown right now , I can hardly believe it.
What goes round comes round! Your boss will get caught out. His boss may already have noticed.
It’s really positive that you are looking for a new job where you will feel valued, Life is too short to waste all those hours every week in a job where hard work is not valued!! Don’t rule out that things might change at work. Have you read ‘the secret’? I’ve kinda had some freaky things I wanted land on my door step out of the blue!!!Going to ask universe for twenty grand this week!!!! lol!!
The urges are very strong with me still Bettie, even while I’m typing here so understand. sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel normal  or be able to trust myself again!! But we are winning this one, one day at a time!!!
 you’re worth it!!!!

[bettie]

Hey Sad,
I am afraid of karma. I truly believe i lived some wild past like to have come back and have to live this one! If this one catches up with me i’m doomed!
So nice to see so many on the chat!
Laura, i forgot to mention that the knee is pain free right now. As bad as it was the orthopedic said it was stemming from my back and the leg pain i have had recently has really been strain from the squats and it’s in my thighs but better today anyway.
OK I should be sleeping!
And Sad, the urges do get to be less and less. My sponsor says she has none. 7 years clean for her. odaat.
peace
bettie
 — 1/16/2011 2:01:33 PM: post edited by bettie.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, sorry to miss you on chat.  It must be a slow weekend, just went on, no one’s there.  Oh well, hope things are good for you.Seize all the good things in life

[lynn]

Hi Bettie,
I thought you had some computer problem when I saw those blank replies :). sorry to steal your line, but that’s how I felt. I still feel pretty down now, but a little more collected.

[bettie]

Originally posted by jilly
 I heard somebody yesterday be extremely cruel about a very overweight person. Well yes, her problem was apparent fr all to see.
 
Hi Linn, I stole your thread!
Hi Jilly. I saw this in your post and felt a need to address it here. I am a cg and have been morbidly obese since childhood. I have been able to maintain a large weight loss for 2 years however I am still "fat" by most of the worlds standards. I struggle every day to fight my weight just as i am fighting for my recovery. Being a CG is alot easier to deal with in many ways. I don’t have to gamble but I do have to eat. Imagine for a moment, having not only to face your demon but having to control it. If i had to gamble 3 times a day and not over do it I would never be able to recover. I see you were disgusted by the judgment and the cruel remarks made and I am in no way upset with you. These illnesses are very much alike. I either gambled away my feeling or ate them. Or did  both.
Just think, sometimes we even over hear people’s remarks, and have to live with that. Life is really unfair at times. I still don’t understand why I couldn’t at least have had a "normal" body. When I was at my highest weight I stayed home alot, I didn’t want people to see me. Funny how that never stopped me from going to a casino. No judgment there, They liked my money I guess.
So Lynn, funny I was reading your thread while you were posting me!
I’m not mad u stole my line! I am sorry you felt like that! I hope to never feel that way again. I hope u don’t either.
I blew it at 90 days the first time around. This time I did something different. I banned that last close casino. I will have 5 months clean on the 18th, as long as I work odaat.
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, the Bears rock!!!  Was soo glad to be on chat with you, I needed to laugh, we always seem to do alot of that when we are together. Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh, woke up with a headache. Didn’t sleep too well. Seems to be happening a bit more lately for no real reason. I get in bed and forget how to fall asleep! Stupid isn’t it? I’m stressing over something not sure what.
Off today, Martin Luther King Holiday today. We are meeting up at my sisters house to go to the nail place for mani-pedi’s today. Mom gave all us "girls" (my sister, nieces, daughter and me) gift certificates for Christmas and this seems to be the one day we are all off school/work and can go. We will go to lunch after. Should be a good day and I have been looking forward to it.
Wish I had gotten up early enough for a workout but with the poor sleeping I can’t motivate myself to get up early. Well maybe later. Still frustrated as heck over the weight. Down a couple pounds but I won’t give myself credit because I believe that was just swelling thats gone down. I do feel smaller, so maybe some muscle gain after all. The belly does seem smaller so that I will take.
I struggle with this as I’m sure you can tell and I am terrified that this is it for me, that I will repeat the past and just start gaining it all back. I can’t let that happen, not this time. It will be the end of me. Recovery will not mean a thing to me if I wind up disabled due to obesity and diabetes.
odaat
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, you are doing what you need to do about your weight, working out.  Just keep going, you know what works for you, and you have done soo well with this.  Have fun on your day out with the girls. I’m having sleeping issues too, don’t know where it’s coming from.  Obviously, something is bothering us!!Seize all the good things in life

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… He proceeds to tell the customer that "My" banker can take care of that for you." … 

Good morning Betty,
I am a little behind in reading some of the post here but felt that I might try to give you a different view of a past statement above. I do not have the feel of the entire scene, I am not walking in your shoes boots, so to speak, so cannot know the moment, but I have heard the commercial about "When EF Hutton speaks, everybody listens".  From this end I can see your boss recognizing you as the one with the voice of authority, as the banker with the knowledge and experience to help someone that he cannot; or just doesn’t care to.  As in the subject in "Today’s Gift", celebrate who you are and try to look at presumed digs, or even obvious ones, as complements on your expertise. Feel good about what you have to offer, being capable of doing what others may not be capable of, or just unwilling to make the effort. 
From a different post on a different subject, but alone the same line of my pointing out what you have to offer, I would like to complement you also on the growth in your recovery and the wisdom that you share with others. You statement to Marla today, "Abstinence from gambling is not recovery. The clean time does give us the opportunity to work on the reasons why we gamble. Without this knowledge and working on the whys I doubt any of us will truly recover and move on with our lives", is words we all need to follow in out daily efforts. Keep up the good work.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Celebrate life and your achievements, let the negative thoughts go.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Hey Lizbeth,
i so enjoyed our chat yesterday! Thanks as alway, u make me !
Oh Larry! You always have such confidence in my skills and faith in my abilities. Wish you were my boss!
No, I would not have been offended had the remark come from my lazy boss, I am "his" banker, but this was my co worker pushing work on me he didn’t want to do.  He is trying for the assistants position and being a general pain in the butt.
Oh, I bought more boots, wine colored, just like the brown suede ones. It’s official, I am now a boot junkie but I promised myself this is it, no more. ( The season will be over soon anyways! )
As for the words of wisdom to Marla, someone here told me that and they were right. Wouldn’t surprise me if that person was you!
The girls day out was nice, went for Chinese food. Not the best choice for me but i did the best i could.
peace
bettie
 

[finding_laura]

Morning Bettie,
just on for my coffee and catching morning chat.  Thanks for the well wishes.  December is done now, but want to do right up to date!  Then will be easier I hope.
enjoy the day and the new boots!
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Woke up early today, will regret this tonight as I have a therapist appointment.
I also woke up with something else.
5 months clean. Miracles do happen.
peace
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie… i am a gambler, why not take the chance for something better? … (Aug 2010)
… 5 months clean. Miracles do happen …

Well done Bettie!  It is good to see that the gamble you took in August is paying off; one thing for certain, the compulsive ones before sure didn’t. Taking that chance here offers a much better return as foreseen in this stanza below.
… And so my weary gambler friend,

Please take this hand that I extend.

Take one more chance on something new,

Another gambler helping you … 
And your post are inspiring, even if some of the words may be taken from others; the important thing is that your remember them, use them, and share them – we are not alone.
God’s speed. Stay strong.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[kathryn]

WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO,
Well done Bettie, what a great way to start your morning!!!!!
With love, Kathryn xxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, congrads on your 5 months. Seize all the good things in life

[غير معروف]

Congratulations Bettie and thank you for all the support you have given me since I joined this site. You have so much to offer like Larry says. Funny I can see you in the future in a role to motivate people- like a fitness instructor or life coach or s counsellor omething.
Never underestimate yourself Bettie. You are fighting two battles at the same time,
Losing weight is funny. I always think you see it in stages rather in pounds. Kinda like you are losing a few pounds each week and suddenly your body realises and shrinks a big lot all at once!!!
Look back to your origional post and reward yourself for how far you have come!!! You have made this happen!!
 you’re worth it!!!!

[bettie]

Hi Guys and Thanks for the well wishes!
So So wonderful to "feel the love’!
Even the therapist session was good! Did squats and lunges and my thighs and knees are still intact!
Darn harry, always right!
peace
bettie

[thedeviliknow]

Congratulations Bettie! You Rock!My vice is the dice for life !!!

[غير معروف]

REM YOU DESERVE THE LOVE BETTIE!!!you’re worth it!!!!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just a quick check in.
Went to physical therapy today. I have never done a gymnastic thing in my life and this little nymph of a girl can flip and swirl and be across the room in 2 seconds flat! She shows me a new move today. Stand straight,then chin to chest, bend over, palms of your hands on the floor, "walk" on your hands until you are in a plank position, ( like a push up ) hold it five seconds, walk hands backward to your feet and stand back up! OMG! Well, I thought I’ll try. It wasn’t pretty, i had to bend my knees a bit, but I did it!  Not once, not twice but  5 times! Now remember this is the same person who, as a child, tried to do a hand stand and skinned her nose!
That was fun really, not that I’m ready for an Olympic trial or anything, but I did empress myself. I did it!
peace
bettie

[thedeviliknow]

Work it Bettie! Work it! You’ll be cheerleading in no time!My vice is the dice for life !!!

[lizbeth4]

Your awesome Bettie, Keep going!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Chat looks slow however I think it’s connection errors as I don’t seem to be the only one not making any connections.
Went to my meeting last night, very emotional at the end. I’ve read where 1 in 4 women have/will suffer sexual abuse in their lifetimes. I think in the rooms it’s closer to 3 of 4. I tried to respond to the speaker and i choked on the words, I had stayed composed through out the therapy but lost it in the end. Her words were so real and emotions so raw. I felt the pain as if I was living through it myself, again.
I told her about the wounded little girl I carried with me for so long. I told her somehow, someway,  we did protect that innocent little soul, and she was OK. She survived. I told her I was tired of carrying the ghosts of the past with me, that I had to put them to rest because I did what I could do, and it’s time to move forward.
 Took today off, need more sleep!
peace
bettie
 

[christinamary]

Hi Bettie – first off, please accept a great big cyber hug from me!  HHHUUUGGGG!  And next, I am convinced some sort of trauma, either historical or present, can trigger the gambling compulsion.  Gambling helps us tamp it down, but doesn’t heal it or help us be aware.  Being in recovery is damn hard work, not for the faint of heart- but it is worth it to recover soul.  God bless you!

[p]

Hi Bettie
Glad you are going to GA regularly and you have done so well in your recovery.. it sounded full on at the meeting for you but sounds like you are really handling things and moving forward.. good on you Bettie, you help a lot of people here, be good to you..
P – Living and Learning

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I’m glad that you are getting soo much out of Ga meetings.  Sorry, that you had to relive the trama, but maybe you can put it to rest, so you can move on with your life.  You deserve it!Seize all the good things in life

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie…I took a short nap after work today and had a dream about you.  You came to town and didn’t tell me!  I ran into you at a political rally.  We were both campaining for the same candidate.  BTW…you had on your cute boots.  :)If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

Sex. religion. politics….. lol! Oh well, I try to be discreet! lol!
Very lazy day. Went out again to look for glasses. The prices! OMG! Almost $500 for one pair! I will check Walmart optical tomorrow.
Thanks for the hugs, I can never get too many. Got a really nice hug from a really nice guy at my GA meeting last night. He said he didn’t want to see me cry and that I was doing great. Quite unexpected I must say but very sincere and refreshing-no strings attached.
Well will do my moms. sisters and nieces hair in the morning for family pictures with the grandniece. 9 months already! So sweet that baby. She’s getting so big. She should be calling me Auntie B in no time. When her aunt ( my 14 year old niece) was a toddler living on the floor below me, she couldn’t say my name so I became Auntie B. She would come up to see me by herself as soon as she learned to walk up the stairs. I kept coloring books here and she would do tasks for me-like picking up so i could vacuum, dusting, little things. She used to like to rub my feet too!. Ocean auntie b, ocean! ( She couldn’t say lotion!). Sure she wouldn’t go near my feet now! lol!
Nite all!
GO BEARS!!!!!!
peace
bettie

[lynn]

check out eyebuydirect.com. I bought 3 pairs from them for about 30 a piece. well worth the money and the shipments were on time. I used to spend hundreds on glasses, not anymore.

[kathryn]

Hey Bettie,
Thought id drop in for a visit….
Your meeting sounded very emotional, but i think it was a big step for you to get through it.  Some things in life are extremely hard to face, but you did it and you should be proud.  Too often we push things to the back of our mind and leave it there.  Perhaps this will give you some closure on things.
I had a great weekend at the tennis, the matches werent so great, but spending some quality time with my sister was wonderful, not to mention laying in bed until noon on Saturday morning (the cheesecake we had for breakfast was pretty good too!!!)
Hope to catch up with you this week sometime, if our paths happen to cross!!!
Take care my lovely friend,
Kathryn xxxxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[غير معروف]

Bettie. Here comes another hug  ….   HHHHUUUUUUGGGGG!!!!!!
That was so brave of you to share at your meeting.
I admire your strength!!!
 you’re worth it!!!!

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Hey Lynn, I spent all day looking at glasses on line during the pitiful bears game. I did look at a few sites and ordered a pair for about $70 bucks. Thanks for the tip!
Oh guys thanks again for the hugs, it really means a lot to me. Trying to exorcise those demons of the past. Not easy but necessary.
My I ate like a pig today! I need to move that scale! I get on it every morning and it determines how I feel that day, sounds a bit compulsive to me!
Need to go to bed. Long day again tomorrow!
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
I think its brave of you to be working on those demons from the past, you are really doing so well and you help a lot of other people too.. i hope you see what a lovely person you are through those new specs of yours Bettie.. and as for the eating… i do that all the time… i go well with it some days and others are a disaster… haha, best thng i did was get rid of my scales and i only way every few weeks on ones at chemist now, they can become an obsession too i guess…. You have managed to keep a lot of weight off for a long time and that is fantastic.. dont be too hard on you
P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Sore achy me. I getting old I guess. I need a hug from that lady again, oh my aching thighs!
Looking forward to getting up in the morning and going back to therapy. (not!)
Trying to be patient, hahahahaha! Not a strong point on any level in my life!
Cold outside and this place needs a pickup. Maybe I’m just avoiding doing my work from my sponsor. Maybe she will just give up on me but really, I need to make the time. Add it to the list.
So disappointed I’m not loosing weight. I need to work harder, go a bit hungry, don’t know at this point. Frustrated.
I am being really hard on myself. Need to nip that in the bud.
I am my own worst enemy.
peace
bettie– 1/27/2011 2:52:08 AM: post edited by bettie.

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
k, i’ve been catching up, so Hugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.    Working your recovery is a sure sign that you are ready to face your past demons and lay them to rest.  That doesn’t mean that it isn’t stressful, emotional or painful.  So maybe you have been doing a little bit more comfort eating.  Don’t beat yourself up.  You have been working really hard on a lot of areas of your life, including your physical fitness.  So yes, you are right, you are being hard on yourself.  Cut my girl some slack.  I could rhyme off a list of all of your recent accomplishments.  You r working at being the true and best you every day.  And doing a great job I might add.  Be kind to yourself, Rome wasn’t built in a day as they say.  And we didn’t self destruct in one either, so no wonder we can’t rebuild as fast as we’d like. 
On a lighter fluffier note, I’m sure your new glasses will be as cute as your boots!  I can picture you in Jules’ dream strutting in your cute boots!
I’m off today and no appointments, wohoo.  Lots of paperwork to catch up though.  I’m getting there too Bettie, one day at a time.
Love Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Laura good to get up and see your post. I’m sitting here debating if a am going to therapy today. I don’t want to, would rather just sit here and rest. I want results d*mn it! I don’t want to work, hurt, be tired, make any effort what so ever. I want my condo clean. I want food in the fridge that is delicious and calorie free, that I don’t even have to cook.
I want the cats to clean their own box.
I want my work goals at work to disappear. I want the problem my customer is having, where to put all my money so it is all insured.
I want the sun to shine.
I want a "normal" body and mind.
I don’t think I want all that much, most of it could happen ( except the cat box thing)! I just don’t want to have to work at it!
Sad to say ain’t nothing free in this life!
Oh well I say if you’re gonna dream  dream BIG, it doesn’t cost any more than dreaming small.
Gonna shower and drag my b-hind to therapy.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. If I want it I have to work for it.
Wake up bettie-get moving!
 

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, Just sitting here wishing the little fairies would come in and clean my condo.  Isn’t going to happen, so I guess I have to get off my b**t, and get going.  Keep dreaming! Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Compulsive gambling is not the addicts problem, but rather his solution for some serious underlying problem.
Interesting thought, don’t u think?
Just doing a little research, not working on my "homework" from my sponsor. I did some but really a lot of psycho babble. Relapse warning signs, come on! Lonelyness, defensiveness, bla bla bla! Now list 10 plans of action. Frankly, really, if i was bent on doing it I would look at the list, laugh and go.
Hopefully I would call someone. The other work sheets are more of the same.
Now you feel happy, excited, glad-signs of danger! relapse! What will u do?
Oh Come on!
So what are we suppose to do for the rest of our lives? No feeling. Period. Every waking moment we live in fear of relapse. Waiting for that one moment that wipes out days, weeks, years of recovery?
So I did my physical therapy. Had a nice talk with the therapist about my frustration. She took it easy on my thigh exercises. I am spending a lot of money I don’t really have for this therapy. I need to get what I am paying for but frankly I’m ready to give up. I could be spending this money for mental health co payments but I decided to work on this back first. Second guessing now but it’s too late. I don’t know, if I regain all my weight again I really don’t care if I gamble or not. I won’t have much life left if I do.
Condo is almost passable as clean, cats were of no assistance in cleaning the box!
Got massive stomach ache this afternoon. I have to work tomorrow, no matter what.
Church down the hill from my place has a sign "Addiction Recovery" starting 2/7, 7pm. Maybe I should check that out. Couldn’t hurt.
Can I ramble or what?
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I think you made the right choice to work on your back, having that pain throws your whole body off. Check out the church with the Addiction recovery, my Daughter goes to a recovery church here, it has been a great help to her, couldn’t hurt to try. I believe I gambled to escape from problems in my life that I didn’t want to face, facing them now, very painful and emotional, but now I’m able and willing to do this to recover.  Keep on going, you have already lost alot of weight, you can do it.  Hope you feel better, and have a great day tommorrow.Seize all the good things in life

[thedeviliknow]

Hey Bettie…maybe we can get a Chippendale Cheerleading team out there to provide a little motivation for you. What’s changing is you taking some action in recovery. A pain in the ass (literally) but really great to be doing something. ..hope your back is feeling better soon.  On that calorie free list of yours; I’d like a half dozen chocolate eclairs.My vice is the dice for life !!!

[ej]

Yo..Hey Bettie..long time no hear or see…still clean..funny how life works..when ur broke a little sneaky thought cross ur mind maybe I could win some money and alleviate the bills  aah stinky thinking..was a cold winter 40 bellow for about two weeks..i am Ok just thought I would drop u a line and keep up the good work..Eric

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
EJ? OMG! Thought the snowmen got you! Thanks for dropping a line! TDIK Chippendale’s? Don’t know if you ever watch Saturday Night Live but it always congers up a picture on my head of Chris Farley and Patrick Swayze doing the try outs. Funnest skit i have ever seen in my life!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ai9IEkYrZQk
Oh did I mention TDIK it could happen. I worked with a woman who’s son is a former Chippendale Dancer. He’s much older now and I am sure he looks more like Chris than Patrick, LOL!
Lizbeth, please come paint my kitchen! lol!
Debating going to work. I still have this stomach bug, had it since Wednesday. Is that a cg thing? Feeling guilty about calling off work when you really don’t feel good?
Oh well just dreading making that call!
stupid right?
peace
bettie– 1/29/2011 6:23:38 PM: post edited by bettie.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

Compulsive gambling is not the addicts problem, but rather his solution for some serious underlying problem.
Interesting thought, don’t u think? …
 … if i was bent on doing it I would … …
… what are we suppose to do for the rest of our lives? … live in fear of relapse. Waiting for that one moment that wipes out days, weeks, years of recovery? …

Good morning Bettie,
You do give us some interesting thoughts to think about in your post and your replies to others.  Your replies to others give us guidance and encouragement to go forward. Your post gives an insight into the troubles that our addictions can plague us with.  Reading your thoughts today gives me a reason to "ramble on" – I find that journaling and using others as a sounding board keeps us thinking and examining our lives.
I look at your take on compulsive gambling, "(it) is not the addicts problem, but rather his solution" and find another interesting thought. It is the "addicts" solution, not "a" solution. The addicts reasoning and driving force is centered on feeding the addiction, not resolving any problems; using the addiction is an escape, not a solution. Once we recognize our addiction, accept the we are being overpowered by it, and start a recovery program, we can use that recovery to address any underlining problem.  Another thought is that addressing the problems in not necessary removing them, but is dealing with them in a logical and rational way that adds to the quality of life, even if in a small way. On the other hand, succumbing to the compulsion will greatly add to other serious problems, or even to a premature death outside the possibilities from any maintainable health condition.
And yes, if you or I, or any other CG, were bent on gambling, we would; however we are bent on recovery and continue to do everything that will lead to that end. We will even try doubtful ways that can do no harm, or in more positive terms, attend services that just might help.
I came to the conclusion at the beginning of my recovery that for me living in fear would not be much better then living in addiction. In fact to my way of thinking, they may even be more equal than most can see; both provide for a falseness, living in addiction a false release, living in fear a false existence. Living in recovery and leaning on a Higher Power provides a way to live that includes enjoying the better things of life, even as we walk in the mist of our enemy.  Nevertheless, stepping out into this world requires the right stuff that comes at different times and stages of individual programs – rational and logical thinking, and accepting where we are in recovery, comes into play again. nothing is easy or cut and dry.
And even if a moment of relapse occurs, it only changes a clean date; it does not wipe out any of the time spent in recovery, not even one minute of each of the One Day At A Time accumulations. This is not an opening or reason to push the envelope or test our resolve, it is a reason to carry on; we each have another bet in us, but not necessarily another chance at recovery – this is another gamble that we should not take.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Thanks for giving me the opportunity too ramble.
Larry

Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.– 1/29/2011 3:28:09 PM: post edited by paul315.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes I stayed home, glad I did. Weak, physically for a change, lol. Whatever this is and whoever gave it to me can have it back!
Larry, Larry, Larry!
I ramble and sound like a person rambling. You ramble and sound like a tenured professor! Maybe why we love you so!
Thank you my friend, the port in the storm!
I talked to my sponsor about the worksheets. She could see my frustration with it, agreed that I had worked a back up plan and that we would readdress the worksheet at a future date. She actually gave me worksheets that say STEP 1!
Wow, it’s official! I’m step one!
The stomach thing comes and goes, i feel like working then feel like laying down. Maybe call my daughter and make her bring me some soup.
peace
bettie
 

[hockey]

Hey Bettie,
I’m just stopping by to say Hi.
I’m glad things are good with you. It sounds like with your sponsor and GA and homework and things your gambling is well and truly ‘arrested’ at the moment. I’m also glad your taking the chance to ‘work on your recovery’. Good stuff.
I have a counsellor and have GA too. Its cool. It kind of makes you think about different things about yourself and maybe get in touch with reality. No matter how harsh it may be.
You have a bad back huh? That sucks. Work sounds difficult aswell for you. I hope you work it out and find what makes you happy or at least find a balance.
I have a job interview on Monday for a new job. I don’t really know what to think about it! I want and need to get back to work though. It will be healthy for me. Hopefully I can still make progress on my happiness, desires and mental health even if the job isn’t all that I want it to be. I’ll just have to try and take each work day as it comes and ‘fit myself  to it’ and not get too stressed. If I get the job that is!
Bye Bettie.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, hope you feel better, get some rest!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hockey? Wow! We have a saying, "just like old home week". Kind of means when you see a bunch of folks you haven’t heard from in a while. First Ej and now you! What a nice surprise on a lonely, not feeling good weekend! Keep up the work on your recovery too! I am happy for you!
Hey Lizbeth! Feel like we just keep missing each other! My daughter did bring me the soup i wanted. Mexican beef soup. Something about it always makes me feel better. Lots of broth with mild peppers, onions and a small chunk of beef. They give you a diced onion, cilantro, a lime, rice and a warm pack of tortillas, on the side. You add what extras you want to your serving then dip the tortillas and/or scoop the broth mixture in a tortilla then eat it with the broth running down your arm! OK, I’m not a delicate eater or of Mexican decent so I don’t have it down but it sure tastes good!
Hey, people on the chat ! Yea!!
bettie

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie…Hope you get to feeling better!  I have the flu too, it sucks!!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

Sorry Gipixie and V!
Lost my connection and stuck in a major lag!
Good on you for banning, it will help u so much!
peace
bettie

[kathryn]

Hi Bettie,
I cant believe i didnt see you all weekend!!!!
Missed you girl,
Kathryn xxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Hey K! When did we chat last? Seems like ages!
OK survived work but I need to start the prayer chain now! I talked to the boss, preemptive strike, as I am so far behind! The business is just not there. Of course my co partner is doing OK. He does some unethical things I just refuse to do to make the goals. Bottom line I just need to "get lucky" with some loans. Thats what happened last quarter and thats why he’s up right now. Gosh this job is like gambling you know? Deep breath! It’s hard when your best isn’t good enough and you feel burnt out.
This too shall pass.
Well I need to pick up, baking a chicken as we speak. Getting ready for the snow. They are making such a big deal about it so we will get twice as much as predicted or none. We will see. Funny but I just don’t mind it all that much. It’s also ironic that we are on the anniversary of the ’67 blizzard in Chicago. I was almost 4. I only remember them shoveling snow into box cars because they had no place to put it. We lived across the street from the Rock Island Line, to the best of my memory.
Speaking of memory, mine is frightening! I am forgetting names, words mid sentence, or if I go to another room to get something I forget what I went for. Scary! I’ve heard this happens to women "of a certain age". I hope thats all it is!
peace
bettie

[lcat286]

Hi Bettie
     Hope you are feeling better! Am watching the weather and Jim Cantore is in Chicago standing in the snow. Stay warm!! I know this Florida girl would not want to be in that snow. 🙂 Get well soon missed talking to you in chat this weekend!
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
The weather is awful and it is just starting! The wind is blowing so hard sounds like I might loose a window ( I only have 3! ) That would be bad! Also, I am just below the roof on the 3rd floor of a flat roofed building.
I hear snowmobiles in the baseball field right  behind my complex, very rare sound here. Nothing but sirens for the last hour. Had a message from the village saying that a shelter was opened if needed. I am 6 mile out of the city and it will be mostly shut down. Had to laugh at my regional manager, said we couldn’t close as we were Government regulated! What A JOKE! The bank across the street and the one down the street both closed early and will be closed tomorrow. My girl friend said her bank was closed too. I have no plan to go tomorrow, closed or not!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

You know the storm is bad. The casino closed!

[p]

Hey Bettie sounds like your weather is playing up too.. we are expecting a category five cyclone to hit Queensland, just after the floods.. its crazy.. this is going to be the worst natural disaster in Aussie history.. everyone is getting prepared.. thankfully even though i am in the state i am not in the disaster area.. thank you for being in group today, i enjoyed seeing you there… i need to get to more groups, i think our groups with Cathie are gone, will check out the new timetable and hopefully see you again soon, keep out of that storm!!

P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Well it ‘s been an interesting day. Our plow service stinks but nothing new there. Went to dig out my car and clear my own parking spot and some of the men who live in the complex were out clearing some of the mess. They helped me dig out and have been jockeying cars around, trying to get the spots cleared. The parking is tight and I don’t dare move my car as I am in a "free" spot and my spot is too crowded to get into! Well, tomorrow maybe, I’m not going anywhere tonight. Wind chill expected to go -30 to -40f tonight! I baked chocolate chip cookies for my neighbor who helped me shovel-his 3 girls were so excited when I brought them over. His wife laughed, said he really didn’t need cookies as the exercise did him good.
I slept till noon,washed clothes, made chicken salad and have some chicken soup cooking as I type.
P I did find Cathie on the last community chat today. I hope to catch it again tomorrow. I have my regular day off so I might be around but really, I have cabin fever already, lol!
Should workout but SO tired and sore from shoveling. Maybe tomorrow.
TDIK, I was smoking as I read about Lizbeth! Yes, I too need to quit. I am well aware of the danger, esp being diabetic. Rest assured I have all the blood tests done every 3-6 months. I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, u name it however, all well controlled with my medicine and exercises. Maybe when I love myself enough I will find the courage to try to quit.
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, take care of yourself in that nasty weather. Seize all the good things in life

[thedeviliknow]

Yummm! Chicky soup! Good for what ails ya! Your post makes me all warm and fuzzy. You, tucked away cozy in a snow storm with chocolate chip cookies and chicken soup on the burner. This smoking thing….I’m just preachin’ to the choir.
My vice is the dice for life !!!– 2/20/2011 9:59:36 PM: post edited by TheDevilIKnow.

[christinamary]

Hi Bettie, I’m sorry to hear you’re not feeling well.  One thing is for sure re;  your job.  things change, or as my mother in law used to say "the worm turns" … your coworker might be up this month, and next month it could be you.  Or as they say about the weather here in Wyoming.  don’t like it?  Wait five minutes and see what comes up.
You are so right about gambling being the medication for a cg.  I know I have a living problem that gambling brought to my attention.  It isn’t always easy, I might slip, but I have my feet firmly on the ground and I know I’m finished taking it blindly. 
Be well, friend,
Christinamary

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Cm thanks for the good thoughts. I am much better-the soup became chicken and dumplings. Way fattening and yummy! Brought most of it to my brothers as a surprise. He is divorced and cooks for himself. Nice to come home to a hot homemade dinner once in a while. Neighbor just stopped me in the lot to thank me for the cookies.
I went out today, my off day, and was pleasantly surprised that the roads were so clear and dry. The villages and towns around here are to be commended-they handled it all quite well.
Had not planned to go back out today but my daughter called me sobbing. A young man she had taken into her home when she lived in Georgia committed sucide yesterday. He was a homosexual and was kicked out of his home as a teenager due to religious intolerance. I guess having your own mom tell you she wished you were never born doesn’t do much for the self esteem. My girl said when he lived with her she gave him his first birthday party ever. Jen remembered that she had some pictures of him on a memory stick so I drove her to the store to have them printed. That little punk asked me if I would stop at the gas station so she could get a lottery scratch ticket. I told her not a good way to deal with grief so have a beer instead. "Good mom, great parenting!" OK she made a connection I didn’t. She is a smart girl sometimes.
I heard a song on the radio and some of the lyrics popped out at me. I think it may be a Tom Petty song but I don’t remember ever hearing before. "I’m a looser at the top of my game."  I liked that line. Kind of like a nice way to say I’ve hit bottom.
Lizbeth, Tdik, always nice to hear from you! Hope to catch u all on the weekend chat!
back to work tomorrow
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Just checking in on the chat, home from my meeting. Wiva, Thedarling, Cm-wish I had gotten home sooner!
Darling? OMG! Would love to chat with you again!
I just heard my chat session go into a lag. Oh well, hope to see u all soon!
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
I hope you are going well.. sounds nice with chcolate chip cookies mmmm, it sounds awfully cold though Bettie, i cannot imagine temperature like that.. today is sweltering here, one extreme to the other hey.. but your weather sounds absolutely freezing !!! sorry to hear of your daughters friend, I have also lost a friend to suicide so i understand the feelings and emotions that go with it.. it is just awful.. I love how you are gamble free now though Bettie, you have come such a long way and are doing so well.. what a great support you are to everyone here.. i always love to catch up on your thread
P – Living and Learning

[ej]

Bettie..you are a good person……send me some soup haha..Eric

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Miss P , Ej, always good to see u both!
Well it came out today. My asst manager, who I’ve known for 20 years, asked me what I was doing on Friday nights that I had to run out the door all the time. We went to lunch after work and I told her, I was attending Ga, and I was a compulsive gambler. She was shocked to say the least. She said she knew I liked to gamble and that she thought I was having money problems because I spent too much. Well she got that part right. I told her just a little, that it wasn’t about the money, it was about me, my self esteem issues, self loathing. Of course I cried like a baby.
This it the first person that I really openly said those words to, "I am a compulsive gambler", who was not in a GA meeting with me. I felt so ashamed. She is quite the pillar of the community. Responsible, respectable. the kind of person you look up to. My sponsor had told me not to tell her as I work in a bank and could open myself up to suspection. I could not help myself, I had to tell her. We are as sick as our lies. I’m tired of lying! I had to explain that to her and assure her that I had never stolen from anyone to gamble. She said she had no doubt about that. I told her I was not trying to be some kind of a snob about that, as a lot do and I could have too. I was fortunate and i never say never.
 She said she was proud of me, for seeing I had a problem and doing something about it. Her son went to rehab but only after an intervention. He is in the service now, trying to get his life together. and is doing very well.
I’m still a bit shook up about telling her. I know I did the right thing.
too late to second guess myself now.
peace
bettie– 2/6/2011 5:39:59 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

— 2/6/2011 5:41:26 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Decided to work on my tax return last night, it is a nightmare! The distributions I took to save my home, car, etc. are coming back to bite me in the behind. I had taxes withheld , I even paid extra, but still not enough. I know I can get a payment plan but how would I be able to pay that? There is no extra, I am barely scraping by. I just don’t understand how someone who takes home so little can owe so much. The only solution is to take even more money from my retirement plan, causing even more tax penalties. But I have no choice. At least I have an option.
The cycle of gambling damage continues. When does it stop?
Death and taxes-the only two things guaranteed in this life!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!  I’m fine, I’ve been resting and trying to get over my cold also.  Will find out more about my next surgery next Tuesday.  I just want to get this all over so I can feel better and move on with life.  95 days gamble free, 9 days smoke and caffeine free.  What next?  Doing a whole life makeover.  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I’m finally home. Went to physical therapy and it was OK, I haven;t been since before the snow storm. Picked up my daughter and went to dinner. What ever calories I burned I’m sure I made up for them. My friend called and I went to see him. Mistake. I feel empty, used, sad, upset. I’m like a kid playing with matches. This almost feels a bit like  gambling hangover. Not good.
I will be dog sitting until Monday. Jen is driving to Georgia, much to my dismay, to go to her friends funeral. I hate that she will be driving this time of the year, you just never know about the weather.
I won’t be around much to chat as she has no Internet connection so please don’t think I’ve gone missing if you don’t see me. 6 months clean on the 18th, I have no plan to loose that.
ODAAT
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, good on your 6 months.  I think i am experiencing some depression, it is common after a heart attack and procedure.  Looking forwards to seeing doctor on tuesday, and getting my questions answered.  Will feel better once I have the leg procedure done and I’m back on my feet.  You take care, and be very proud of yourself.Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I went to the doctor today. Blood work was OK but my numbers are are on the rise, along with my weight. I’ve gain 14 pounds ( up and down now up) since I began recovery. I keep getting told to keep my eye on recovery and let the rest fall to the back burner. I just can’t. It’s like I have to be obsessed with something. I’m in one of the hormone rollercoaster mood swings. Might I suggest the potential Ph d’s out there do a study on Compulsive Gambling, Menopause and it’s effect on recovery. 
I worked out, very guilt ridden after the doctor appointment. My doctor asked me once a few years back if I was attempting suicide by obesity. Maybe he had something there. I just want to scream. My head is just full of so many emotions and thoughts and feelings. My "friend" asked if I could ever be a "normal" weight. I told him doubtful at this stage of the game. I hate this. Why can’t something. anything be easy, be "normal" in my life? WHy WHy WHy WHy WHy WHy WHy WHy WHy?
OK, I got that out. Don’t know where it’s going because there’s no answer, just the cosmic joke played on me in this life.
Ha Ha. Guess I’ve lost my sense of humor today.
bettie
 

[ej]

Hey Buddy….I feel the same way must be February..the winter blues hate doctors gloom and doom have to see them next week…must be the gambler inside me or the symptom where i made a big thing out of it or blow it out of proportion..crazy making…poor poor me pur me a drink..instead of being thankful and giving it to God..part of the process my dear..take care of you and u’ll be in my prayers..peace..and happiness  Eric

[غير معروف]

Taxlady in Joliet who works miracles in negotiating down taxes owed to the IRS.  Has experience with gamblers’ issues.
Ann (815) 730-1360

[bettie]

OMG!
Those D*mn mood swings!
Snow is melting a bit, sun was out. Dr said my vitamin D was low. I take a multi vitamin but it;s the lack of sun.
Back to my daughters in a bit, stopped in to see my kitties and visit my PC!
I miss them both so much!
And i miss u guys too!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, sending you some of my sun.  In fact,  I sat outside for awhile today, the sun always makes me feel better. I forgot you were staying at your daughters and have no internet access there.  Take care of yourself. Miss you on chat!!Seize all the good things in life

[reds]

Think of barriers as birthcontrol, the thought of a little one is wonderful but the reality? I for one couldn’t do without the sleep!
Hi Bettie – just had to tell you, when I read this I just howled with laughter, thanks for all your posts, you have such a way with words.
Take care…
Reds

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
When I read your post Reds I thought man that sounds familiar! lol, I thought it was a good one too!
Well kids I’m finally home! I am tired, the ungrateful dog BIT me yesterday, Happy Valentines Day to me! No worries, I got my finger out fast before I lost it. I was walking him in the alley and besides the fact he thinks the snow is a snow cone he thinks trash is a tasty little treat. I tried to explain to him that he could get sick but he just doesn’t listen! I know not to take food from a dog but he really caught me by surprise. Boy did he get a reprimand! "You rotten little b*stard! Try it again and I’ll beat the snot out of you!" He growled some more, guess he knows I wouldn’t lay a hand on him but that was the end of his walk. He was quite sorry when I told him no treat! ( I gave him one anyways a bit later). I am such a wimp!
Went to physical therapy today. She didn’t work me too hard and made me sit on the floor, back straight, no support, feet straight out and lift them 15 times one foot then the other. Sounds easy? Try it. I got about 3 inches off the floor. I thought well I got through, she said "You know bettie? You are amazingly strong. Most of the folks I train have to sit against the wall to even get a 1 inch lift. YOU ARE WAY TOO HARD ON YOURSELF!"
Gee, where have I heard THAT before? I am my own worse enemy. Someday, somehow, I’ll get that "I love me" feeling. Just don’t know what it will take.
My local "Curves" is having a Zumba class for free Saturday evening. I want to go, just don’t want to do it alone.
Funny how much I thought about gambling when I was away from my PC. I think I forget how important that posting is still for me.
Looking forward to my "date" to chat with Lee in about 45 minutes.
Man, I missed you guys!!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!  Thanks for the post.  I’m not working the steps yet.  All that talk of exercise made me tired, but is something I must incorporate in my life.  Missed you too!!!  Glad your’e back!!!Seize all the good things in life

[gunner27]

Bettie well done on surviving the dog and the gym! *chuckle* Jim

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie,
Like I told you the other day, yours was the first member’s story that I read from first post to last. it was an interesting read and when I would read that you went to the "boats," I would silently say to myself "NO!" And ask myself I wonder how that turned out in terms of your recovery. I used to believe that if I slipped, it was all lost, but no longer believe that. I quit gambling after Christmas, 2010, and since then have had 3 slips. I was able to get back on my recovery program right after the gambling episode. I was fortunate that I did not win a dime any of those three times, because it may have been harder to keep on keeping on. The best barrier I ever put up was self-exclusion as that  has made it so much easier to deal with my addiction. Sure lessens the wear and tear in my brain. Never was one to go where I’m not welcome. I would die of humiliation being escorted out of a casino. You have done so well Bettie that you inspire me to do well. 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well it’s finally here. 6 months gamble free!
I can’t help but compare this to dieting. I’ve always had the mind set that if a blew it for one day I was done. Like Carole said when i slipped I thought NO! There is no hope for someone like me! So many folks here posting encouraging words, tips, and empathy. I’ve never felt so supported and loved.
That may sound silly but I did not grow up in the most nurturing environment and thought it was just me-I was not likable. Being a freckled faced red head with curly hair made me stick out like a sore thumb, not to mention being one of the three "fat girls" in school. My mom always said she never worried about me. I was a tough take-no-bull kind of kid. She didn’t see it was all a front. I was just trying to survive the daily torment I faced, make a joke about myself before the others had a chance to do so.(more likely she didn’t know how to help me-she was a child of abuse too) That was another reason I all but encouraged my abuser to molest me. I wanted the attention, I wanted to feel special and wanted to be wanted. Heavy thoughts for an 8 year old I must say.
That being said I am "peeling the onion", I am discovering why I’ve made the choices I’ve made. I am discovering why gambling became so appealing to me, and why I loved it so much.
My one year at GT is just around the corner too. Feb 22th, the day I woke up wishing I was dead. I’m glad I’m not dead. I’m glad I got a second chance to make a life for myself, to find my "happy". Thats what I want. I think that’s what most of us want. Just to be happy. Rich, poor, thin, fat, none of these things mean much. Happy. Thats not asking too much!
And I am Happy for today, because of all you!
peace
bettie

[levi]

Congrats Better on 6 MONTHS !!!!! SO awesome!!  Well done.  And long may it continue, you are an inspiration to all.—– Levi"We’d gone in search of the American Dream. It had been a lame f*ck around, a waste of time. There was no point in looking back. F*ck no, not today – thank you."

[levi]

*Bettie not Better! Sorry!—– Levi"We’d gone in search of the American Dream. It had been a lame f*ck around, a waste of time. There was no point in looking back. F*ck no, not today – thank you."

[غير معروف]

Congrats on 6 months Bettie!!!!!  Love ya!!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[vera]

WELL DONE ON 6 G FREE MONTHS B!
YOU DESERVE THE very BEST IN LIFE!
Nothing good comes from gambling..
Keep up the good work!

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

Well it’s finally here.
6 months gamble free!
… My one year at GT is just around the corner too …
bettie

Good afternoon Bettie, well done!  Well done on reaching this 6 Month milestone; and even more, well done on sticking it out for the year.  You could not have reached this point in your live if you had not have continued with your recovery; in fact, without the work that you have accomplished through recovery your wish to be dead may have come true –"The idea that somehow, some day, we will control our gambling is the great obsession of every compulsive gambler. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of prison, insanity or death".  (the insanity part might still be a bit questionable  — lol)  But seriously, when you first posted with your topic title it was scary, that fact is too true for many. I too am glad that you are not dead and that you took the second chance to be happy and used it to combat our "great obsession".  I now only see your heading as a reminder of the overpowering control that the addiction of compulsive gambling can have on each of us.
 
Continue on your journey One Day At A Time and you will find that a lot of things will "finally" happen: " BE PATIENT!  The days and weeks will pass soon enough, and as you regularly attend meetings, abstain from gambling and follow the guidelines on this page, you will experience continued recovery". 
God’s speed. Stay strong.
Your friend,
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, congrads on your 6 months.  You are awesome, and will always have a special place in my heart.  You were the first person I met on chat, and your advice and encouragement have help me to get to day 104!  I love you friend!!Seize all the good things in life

[thedeviliknow]

Hey Bettie…..so great to see you finding your way and 6 months gambling free. Thanks for sharing your journey in such a wonderful way. Your Friday post is certainly an indication of a true path in recovery. Take care…I’ll keep reading your book as the saga continues.My vice is the dice for life !!!

[lizbeth4]

Just missed you on chat, bummer!! Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I thank you all so much for the sentiments and applause! GO ME!!
I didn’t go to the Zumba thing-bad girl-but really, I don’t know if it was that crazy full moon from yesterday or what but I don’t feel well, again. Depression? I don’t know. I woke up too early and I’ve been a little nauseous all day. A bit of a head ache too.
OK guys what going on with our chats lately? Even the few groups I’ve caught lately have been slow. Please keep Lee busy on Tuesday nights ( 9pm central us time). I don’t want to loose him as his is the only non off day chat I can catch anymore, and he is such a nice guy!
I have been trying to get some of my GA Friends to check out the site. If you found me please forgive me for any venting I may have done. I’m still a babe in the woods in recovery and I throw temper tantrums sometimes. But in all honesty, if I said it  I felt it and at least at the time, I meant it.
TDIK, you make me laugh. Yes, the saga continues. Larry, yes I am insane, but in a nice way these days( I think )!
Lizbeth, always a good friend to have, Jules- my buddy! Vera-my kindred spirit and Irish twin!
Levi-I love the typo "better", I like to think so!!
peace
bettie

[kathryn]

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I missed your 6  months!!!
Belated congratulations my friend, i am beaming for you all the way across the world!!!
Love ya,
Kathryn xxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, hope you are feeling better.  Actually, we have a Trader Joe’s right down the street from our condo.  I will get some dark chocolate bars to help with the cravings.  Yeah, what’s up with chat lately?  Real slow!!!  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Lizbeth,
u out there?
Just finished my workout-i was on the floor huffing and puffing when you posted!
I’ll stick around for a little bit!
bettie

[lynn]

Hi Bettie,
I am glad the eyeglasses worked out for you. Congrats on 6 months, you are doing great

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, sorry I missed you on chat.  Hope you have a wonderful day!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Tx Kathryn, Lynn. Lizbeth someday we will chat again! lol!
Well one year GT tomorrow, still can’t believe that one. I remember all too well what went on one year ago today. The ATM trips, the "hot" checks written, the panic, the grief, the suicidal thoughts. Thanks but no thanks-I can live without that avoidable pain.
Off today for Presidents Day Holiday. I’m helping my assistant manager do her taxes, doing her hair, then doing lunch. I’m still waking with a scratchy throat and general "I don’t feel good " feeling. I have to shake it, and get moving.
My sponsor is after me to go to at least another GA meeting a week, I just won’t commit the time. I think she thinks I’m doomed-and not serious about getting into recovery and working step 1. I think I’ve been working step 1 for a year, and have been working recovery for a year. Am I wrong? What have I been doing here for a year? Nothing I guess. I understand the benefits of a face to face meeting but from a practical stand point I work full time, leave around 8am, and don’t get home until 6pm or later. By the time I make a meal and clean up it’s 7pm. I’m in bed around 10-10:30pm. I have to work out when I have enough energy to do so. My daughter wants to see me Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday-I’ve told her it’s just too much on me to get home after 9pm-it leaves me exhausted. I’m off Thursdays and Sundays. Most Thursdays consist of laundry, shopping, Doctor appointments. Yes, I could tie up my Thursday evening and go to a meeting, but most of the time I want to stay home. Friday is wall to wall-8am till 10pm-work then GA. Saturdays I work till 1:30pm-and there are no GA meetings in the evening ( there should be ). Sundays I workout, visit my family,cook some meals for the week, or sit on my butt. There is an evening meeting but again, I need the rest. I have a chronic illness on top of all this-people don’t realize how being diabetic zaps your energy, not to mention the back issues that I have devoted the last 12 weeks of my time trying to improve. Oh yea-forgot to mention that I go to on line meetings in the evening when ever I can catch one.
Hope that didn’t bore you to death. I guess thats my list of "excuses" but it is factual. Yes-I made time to gamble-Wednesdays and Saturdays mostly, but I also neglected all those other things that I do now. It’s a trade off but I want recovery to live, not hide in rooms crying about how sick and worthless my life has been. Once a week is enough. I am doing other things for my recovery-guess they just don’t count.
Just venting
peace
bettie

[colin in brum]

Hi Bettie, well dopne on your foirst year in recovery.  Theres no rigth or wrong number of meetings to get to really, as long as we get to meetings obviously!  Keep that balance right, a day at a time.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… Once a week is enough …

Good morning Bettie,
Another milestone, a year on working on your recovery.  It is a event that we can recognize, but only you can appreciate the true magnitude of this accomplishment; only you know what it takes for you to hold on to the fruits of your labor. Others can offer advice and support, and share in the steps that they have to take, steps that they need to continue with their recovery; in their desire to help others, they may even feel that their way is the only way. 
When I was living in the control of compulsive gambling I did not have the strength or mental ability to say enough and go about a normal way of thinking and living.  Recovery taught me that I could finally say enough and begin to make choices for myself. Gambling took control of my life and denied me the opportunity to be me; recovery allowed for me to take it back, but it can only guide me not control me — control is control. 
However, honesty, openmindedness,  and acceptance leads the way to recovery; be sure your "excuses" are factual, again something only you can do; others can only support you and challenge you.
God’s speed. Well done on "your" accomplishment. LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[vera]

B!
Not long home from work.. Feel as if I have run a marathon. This work is hectic these days. My fingers are like rubber.
I well catch up on E mail tomorrow, look forward to a long one……………..Goodnight!

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Hey, heartfelt prayers go out to our Cathie as I saw where Christchurch NZ had another earthquake!
Thank you for your perspectives on recovery. Being cg and loving drama I may be reading more into situations than there really is. Open mindedness is not a strong point but I am trying.
Saw a great post on another site tonight. "I’m tired of paying a high price for low living." Thats a good one isn’t it?
I am powerless over gambling-just ask the "bettie" who I was when I started a year agao. I am far from "fixed" for sure but the improvements inside me are quite profound. I have a little peace that I haven’t felt in years, I can even feel calm some days. "You will be amazed before you are half way through", one of the 12 GA promises.
Today I am amazed.
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! Sincere congratulations on one year of working your recovery. I like that quote too of paying a high price for low living. Isn’t that the truth???
You being a cat lover, I know that you’re going to understand this. Earlier this week, like I said I took my female cat to the shelter as my husband is severely allergic and has major health problems. Cried buckets full! Yesterday I was going to take my male cat to my friend’s who had said she would give him a forever home. I had Ferris in a crate on the passenger side of my vehicle. I looked at him and his eyes had tears in them, and then the tears started running down his face. I was heartbroken and could not believe my eyes as I had never heard that cats could cry. I phoned my 17 year old granddaughter and asked her to come to my vehicle and see that Ferris was crying. She came out and said it was sad. I decided that I could not give him up and take him to my friend’s, so I decided to leave him at my daughter’s and said I’ll be back for him in 6 weeks. Seven hours later the cat was still misty-eyed and hadn’t come out of the carrying crate, so I demanded that my son-in-law bring him back to me. I wasn’t going to leave him heart-broken anywhere. The girl that was supposed to look after my 4 dogs and my house, was supposed to come over yesterday and we would go over what needed to be done as I have a dog in pee diapers because he pees in my house. She didn’t show up and I called her 3 times and all I got was her voice mail. She rents from me so I would have thought that she would be more responsible than that. So now my arrangements for the care of my dogs have fallen through, so I can’t go to treatment this time around. These are all rescue dogs and they have not been kenneled a day in their life, so 6 weeks would be traumatic for them.
After I dropped Ferris off at my daughter’s I was really upset that he had cried. I have self-excluded from the casinos, but this doesn’t cover the VLTs that are in most bars in my town. I was really thinking of going there and numbing out. I tried putting it off by going to buy some new clothes to take to treatment, grabbing a bite to eat, gassing up my car for the next morning, but that didn’t make the urge pass. I even started to turn into the lane to turn into the bar, and it seemed that I had no control over my urge. I told myself to keep driving and if I wanted to, I could always turn back and go gamble. I told myself that I didn’t want to change my last date gambled AGAIN and that I wanted to go into treatment on a high note, and somehow I kept driving till I got home. I even thought of driving to the next town where people didn’t know me. That was a close call!! All brought about because my cat cried!! Totally unexpected and hard to believe!! So here I am at home when I should be driving to Edmonton for treatment. Bags all packed and wondering what my next step should be. I need to go to town and get groceries but won’t go unless someone goes with me because I can’t trust myself today, with all that’s happened. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh Carole! I fully understand about the cat. During my lowest saddest most trying times of my life, when no people were around to support me or see me cry my "boys" are always there to comfort me. They never judge. They don’t care if i need a shower, shave my legs or have bad breath. Thats the thing people who don’t have pets miss out on.
Busy crazy day at work. I did my last workout with the therapist-yea! I have an evaluation on Thursday so that will chart my progress. I had so much gas tonight! LOL! Poor girl-told her to stand back. Each sit up went strain-poot-strain-poot! I had to laugh at myself! Maybe why she didn’t offer to stretch me out when we were done!
have a good one!
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
Wow you are an inspiration girl.. just wanted to say hello and let you know i am back, ashamed and broken once more.. i cant ban here, this state has stupid laws that you have to ban individual places.. there are like a thousand.. so not an option.. did 13 and it nearly killed me.. cant give my money to anyone.. but Bettie, I am going to GA twice a week now.. and meeting with sponsor once a week.. will join in groups again here.. sorry i havent been in touch it was too painful to even log on.. things will get better.. you are an inspiration
 P – Living and Learning

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, your inspiring me again.  Did my first low impact work out, and I’m not going to gripe about it.  I’m going to suck it up and do it again tommorrow.  Everything is going well for me.  Hope you had a wonderful day!!Seize all the good things in life

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie, The story of the therapist and your gas is funny! I’m sure that happens a lot and they aren’t surprised by it. Thanks for understanding about my babies. I’m doing well. I took my Bichon to the groomers today and had 2 hours to kill but I had some errands to run so I completed those. This was the first time I have taken the dog to the groomers and not gambled away the 2 hours till I could pick him up. I had many thoughts of going to play the VLTs like I used to while waiting to pick up my dog. It would be so easy to give into these thoughts, but I made it through. Instead I got a money order for $500, for my senior mother who lives 3 provinces away, and who is on a fixed income. That was pretty much the least I used to spend on a gambling session, and would often spend much more than that. I must be starting to gain an appreciation for the value of money, because that seemed to me to be a lot of money. One of the things that keeps me gamble free is the thought of having to change my last date gambled again. Of all the barriers I have in place and self-exclusion being the one that helps me the most, me having to change my date is probably the second one. That sounds crazy, even to me. Hope to meet up with you on chat soon as I love your sense of humour and your story inspires me (other than those 2 crazy men in your life). Carole

[kathryn]

Bettie,
Thank you soooo much for that post, god knows i needed a good laugh and i nearly fell off my chair when i read it!!!!!
You are an absolute hoot!!!
Love ya, Kathryn xxxxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
What a difference a day makes. I’m living la vita loco-the crazy life-but not by choice for a change.
My sister called and said my niece came forward to a school counselor that she had been molested. My heart broke when she told me. Those of you that know me know my history. My sister is the only family member that knows even a little about it. I reminded her of it, and told her if it seemed apporate she could share it with my niece and I had no problem talking to her. I am heart broken and heart sick over this. This involves a family member. I could just throw up.
OK that is said. We are as sick as our secrets. I want to be well.
I have a kitchen stove sitting in my front room. Now theres a conversation piece. My neighbor is remodeling his kitchen and was going to toss this one out, He knocked on the door, asked if i wanted it. I told him let me make a call. I got a hold of my brother-he could use a new one. It is identical to my stove except for one thing, IT IS CLEAN! OMG! It looks like new! He said he only ever baked pizza in the oven, and that he bribed his girls to clean the outside. My brother said "well if you think it’s worth taking". He cracks me up. I don’t know how we can be related-he is Mr clean. I am now shamed into cleaning mine. Maybe I should just keep the clean one and pitch mine! LOL!-oh well, mine is getting a bath today-inside and out!
Off to physical therapy this morning. I have a backache! I did some evaluation with the therapist on Tuesday and i think I pulled something. I better not be back to step 1 with this back-I will be so ticked off!
Thanks for the posts guys-it’s gonna get better.
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! I’m so sorry to hear about your niece. It makes me sick too! Pedophiles are everywhere it seems and if a child manages to grow up without being sexually abused it seems to be a rarity. My father was and is a twice convicted pedophile. it changes who you are forever. I was in my 30’s before I reached out for help. It was a painful journey dealing with the aftermath of this demonic behavior being visited on me from the time I was 7 to the age of 16, when I finally was able to leave home. Pedophiles don’t stop being pedophiles!! I had my father arrested and charged! One of the best things I ever did. He went on to have a second family and got his 13 year old daughter pregnant. My heart breaks for you and your sister and niece. Carole

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I am soo sorry about what happened to your niece.  Thank goodness she had the courage to tell someone.  I would go crazy if anyone molested a family member of mine, especially another family member.  It is awesome that you are willing to share your story with your neice, you could be a real comfort for her.  Take care.Seize all the good things in life

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! Wondering how you are doing today? I’m thinking of you! Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Hey Carole thanks for the inquiry. I’m OK-long day at work then GA. You are very brave to tell your story Carole. They say the truth will set you free-I hope it has for you.
We had a speaker and he made some really valid points. Good thing I believe in God because if I didn’t I would have run from the room. He talked about the steps and flat out said "higher power" is God, Period. I was not offended however, to me, that is closed mindedness. Some people do not, and GA claims no religious affiliation. Can’t help but wonder how I would have felt if I was Atheist.
He did talk alot about "surrender". Truly accepting that we are Cg’s, that we can never gamble again period. He said if we are struggling with urges it’s because we have not surrendered. Somewhere in our head we are telling ourselves the lie that we can go back, with some "control" or for "fun". I can see that. That makes sense. When I was very new in recovery I couldn’t imagine myself NOT going to the casino, what would I do instead? Now I just can’t see myself going back or being there. I would go mad standing in a casino today, because I can not control it, I never really could. So the next time I have an urge I guess I will I will remember that I have  "surrendered".
I called my sister tonight. She said nothing is really going on yet. She talked to the pediatrician for a referral for my niece. I talked to her a bit more about the abuser. He has two grown kids whom he has no relationship with. I told her this may be why. He has also been left as babysitter for a young nephew. I am sure there will be some real horror stories that come out  of this. So many victims. So much healing that needs to happen. God bless my niece for coming forward.
Well I should be going to bed.
peace
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… flat out said "higher power" is God, Period. … 

Good morning Bettie,
My Highest Power is God too, but in the beginning "I sought my God and he eluded me"; then I gave in to a Higher Power that could help me turn my life around — "I sought my brothers and sisters and found all three".
The Higher Power that I came to believe in and understand and that was my way out, is my 3Gs; my god is God, but that relationship involves a variety of other things.
"I sought my soul, but  could not see. I sought my God, but He eluded me. I sought my brothers and sisters and found all three" – preamble to the GA Yellow Book.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! I’m glad I wasn’t at that GA meeting because knowing me, i would have challenged two "truths" he said. Some people come into GA and can accept that their higher power is other cgs collectively, helping each other to battle this disease. Some of these same people come to later accept that God is their higher power. Everybody’s recovery and their spiritual journey is different. I also don’t agree that we get urges because we haven’t surrended. I KNOW that I am powerless over my addiction, yet I get urges at times for reason such as things coming at me in left field and old habits that need my brain to be retrained. I was at an ethics course once and the subject of childhood sexual abuse came up. Someone voiced an opinion that sexual abuse victims even if they were children needed to own their part in the sexual abuse. And nobody challenged the person not even the facilitator. I saw RED and could hardly speak and asked if the person was saying that a child of 7 years old had some part in being sexually abused, and the person said yes!! One woman at the course stated that it was a different way of looking at things and that she was going to go back to the shelter where she worked with woman and children with that new way of looking at things. I could not believe my ears what I was hearing and I wanted to tell them that they were a bunch of f***ing idiots. I reported the facilitator because she obviously didn’t have the skills to stop the insanity that was happening in the course. And these people at the course were all social workers. It still me makes angry that this happened because it revictimizes victims. Your friend, carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes Carole, I get you. I had done a lot of reading about GA before I ever went into a room. I could tell this guy must have been an "action" gambler-the kind with the "big shot" attitude. I hate to tell him but his "character flaw" was showing! There are hard core GA people who’s belief is that you must do everything exactly as they say or you are doomed. If you attend but don’t get a sponsor you will fail. If you don’t follow the steps as they subscribe, you will fail.
And if you fail, you didn’t follow the program. A catch 22 so to say. There are zealots-they live eat and breathe GA. If that is what they have to do to stay "clean" and they are happy, power to them.
I have also found moderates. People more like me. I’m getting it, one day at a time. I’m trying to work the steps, slow as that may be. I surrender to God, but I’m not surrendering to some GA members opinion. I still have a brain of my own-not a GA zombie yet!
peace
bettie
 

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, yes the hospital bills keep coming, add another one to the list, $5000 for the cardiologist, thought he was included in the $88,000.  Good news, I don’t have to pay any of the $5000, it is covered by the insurance company.  I haven’t actually received a bill yet, I am seeing this all on my insurance provider online.  It just blows my mind, how much it costs, you see I have never been in the hospital but for having my children.  The legs are next, whatever it takes, I will owe 15% of the costs.  I will find out sometime in March, after all tests are done, but something is not right, I can feel it.  Anyway, enough of this.  Hope you are doing well!!!  You know in my GA group, there are the finantics, people in the middle, and the ones who never say much.  I’m in the middle too, taking it one day at a time, believe in a higher power, and I have my own opinion too, I don’t always agree with everything being said.  I don’t have a sponser yet, and I feel far from a failure.  It’s kind of sad, it could really be a turn-off for some people. Seize all the good things in life

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, missed you on chat today.  Have a good day!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Woke up in a bit of a panic this morning.
I had a dream. I went to the casino with my brother and niece to see a concert. I walked around and around the casino for what seemed like hours. I was thinking oh what the heck and sat down at a machine. I put in a ten, then a five. I thought it was a 2 credit machine but it was a 3 credit machine. I looked at the thing and wondered if i should hit the play button. Then it hit me, what was I doing? Did I really want to do it? Was it worth loosing my "clean" date? I hit the cash out button, I didn’t play. Funny part was the ticket was for $80.50, even though I only put in $15. I heard my niece call me, that it was time for the concert. Then I woke up. It took me a minute to realize I didn’t gamble. My heart was pounding, no no! Then my brain woke up and said dummy, it was a dream.
I think I’ve been over thinking a lot this weekend. I have all good intentions, workouts, cleaning, setting up my Ebay sellers account, getting the kitchen ready for painting. Then as soon as I walk in the door all I want is food and to flop in a chair.
I have to laugh at the casino commercials they are running now. All the "beautiful people" walking around , laughing, they even have a tag line,Where stylish crowds enjoy elegant meals! LOL! I think maybe they should show the reality I have seen first hand. People who have been up all night, blood shot eyes and wreaking of liquor. Someone punching the machine because they put in their last dollar and don’t know what to do. People walking out, head down, cursing under their breath. I guess I would be bad at marketing!
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
Thank god it was a dream!! I lived that living nightmare not long ago and believe me it isnt that pretty picture they paint… as we all know too well.. good on you Bettie, you have done so well.. I am back on board with you again now
 P – Living and Learning

[female g]

Glad that dream played out so well. you stayed in control even while you were asleep how great is that!!!!!
start with just one wall Bettie you can do it i just know it. don’t worry you’ll convince yourself to get control of food and excersise soon I can feel it in my bones G
 

[jean]

Well done on your gambling free days bettie dreams can be so real sometimes and then when you wake up you feel so glad that it was just a dream.Keep strong take care xxxx

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… I had a dream. I went to the casino …

Good morning Bettie,
Hope you had a peaceful night and did not wake up to any real life nightmares.
I see gambling dreams as a way our addiction tries to invade our subconscious since our awaken self is fighting it off; dreams or urges will not harm you, they can only make you stronger and keep you aware. 
If I were to try to read your dream, I would see the payoff without playing, as the reward you have experienced through recovery.  Keep hitting the right buttons in your recovery and stay away form the machines.
God’s speed.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[desdemona]

WoW Bettie! I’m impressed that you hit the cash out button in your dream. You didn’t gamble and your "payout" was more than you even expected. That’s a lot like recovery. When we don’t gamble good things come to us and they are sweeter at times than we even expected. The friend that introduced me to gambling is going to Vegas for a few days. She said she "needs" to win some money. I thought to myself that we’ve all been there haven’t we, NEEDING to win some money. Glad that she’s going and not me!! Carole

[p]

Hey Bettie
Had to laugh at the gambling dream.. i know exactly what you mean, you wake and think you have really been there, it seems so so real.. hope to catch you round soon on one of the chats
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the posts, must have hit a common thread.
Funny, even in my dream I KNEW I was cg! Another thought, I didn’t want to waste $3 on a spin. Money has a value and I have to work hard for $3!!
I got a hug at work today. A lady saw the shoes I had under my desk and said how much she loved them. I asked her what her size was, 8 like me, so I gave them to her. She was so happy. I had two more pairs so I gave them to her too.
Funny but I have been thinking about spring cleaning and she was in the right place at the right time.
sometimes things just work out!
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
You are so lovely to do that, that made me feel all warm and mushy on the inside when i read that.. how nice!! Nice to see you in chat today, sometimes i feel like i never shut up on there, hope it doesnt drive people crazy, i never intend to go on and on and i find when i get there i usually do hehe..
 P – Living and Learning

[reds]

Hi Bettie –
Good to see you in Community group tonite. 
I have not handed control of my money over to anyone else, because for me it is not necessary. I never found that having money was a trigger.  When I quit smoking 23 years ago, I didn’t hand my money over to anyone then either !!  For me, handling money is a normal part of life.  I think we can be successful even without handing over our cash. 
Money is not the problem, gambling is, that is why I took the step of banning.  I still remember how good it felt to turn my back on that casino and walk away without placing a bet.  I felt like a winner for the first time in a long time.
I still have the occasional gambling dream and am always profoundly grateful when I wake up and realize I never have to do that again. 
I wonder if those casino ads trigger the dreams ?The casino advertisements on TV are new here, and I laugh at them too – all those beautiful people having such an exciting time at the casino.  And then I come here and the newcomers keep coming with their tales of misery.  I guess if I want reality, I should turn off the TV, eh ?
Take care xxx
Reds.

[vera]

Bettie!
Giving away the worldly goods is a great sign…
Will we be calling you "Sister Bettie" soon? Nuns usually get started by dropping their attachments!!
I knew a man years ago who used to work with a charity group. He was on patrol with the downandouts at 3 am and met a drunk in a doorway without shoes. This man took off his own shoes, put them on the drunken man and drove home in his bare feet…

[levi]

Hi Bettie – that was so sweet of you to give your shoes away and speaks volumes about the wonderful person you are.  xxxxxxxxxxx—– Levi"We’d gone in search of the American Dream. It had been a lame f*ck around, a waste of time. There was no point in looking back. F*ck no, not today – thank you."

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh Vera, Sister Bettie! lol! There was a time, believe it or not, that I did consider a nunnery-WAAYYY too late for that!
I do need to spring clean though.I have a TON of clothing that I don’t wear, can’t fit into or bought 2nd hand and no longer like so I will be making a donation soon.
I think I will take G’s advice and work on that kitchen. Don’t want it to look like an Easter Egg since the adjoining room is pumpkin orange. Maybe a green? Have to look at a color pallet and see.
Reds so happy about your pending move. I have had little choose but to handle money and I have managed OK. I have to keep it low and spend it on bills as having more than one hundred or so is a trigger. We had some newbies on the chat and I threw it out as a suggestion for them. I inadvertently offended someone on the chat and I think you joined in around that time. So if I screwed up something I said to you too I apologize. My mouth must have been on a roll! I am right with you on banning Reds, best barrier I ever set.
Pp, Levi, you guys are pretty special yourselves!
peace
bettie
 
 

[lizbeth4]

Bettie, that was soo awesome for you to give that lady your shoes.  I ran into a guy with a small child in the parking lot of the grocery store today.  He gave me a story, I don’t know if it was true or not.  I only know the little girl was soo precious.  I gave him half of my allowance money for the week.  He probably needed it more than me.  It did make me feel good. You know why I like you soo much?  You tell it like it is.  That’s what I needed, when I met you on my first day here.  So, if you offended someone, maybe they didn’t want to hear what needed to be said.  Take care!Seize all the good things in life

[jean]

Sweet bettie you are a wonderful caring person.Take care xxlifes to short

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I’m sitting here in a blue funk this morning. I’m in a poor poor me mood.
I got my "raise" yesterday. What a joke! 2.5% and the state tax increase is 2.75%. Well it’s still better than being out the whole amount but kills me that the state can just decide they have wasted so much money that they can just jump in and take more. My coworker came out with a big smile on his face and a packed of papers for the classes he has to take to be the new assistant. I’m sure his raise more than covers the tax.
I’m seeing all the folks coming in with tax refunds-big ones. 5-6 thousand dollars. No money they paid in mind you, but tax credits that they claim. Here you get money for having dependent children. Those credits go for up to 3 kids so people who have more let other people "claim" them. My "friend" who is self employed, is able to write everything off as a loss and just got $5500 back, must be nice. I haven’t revisited my tax return yet but even after paying in over 10 grand I’ll have to pay more. Gas is about $3.70 a gallon and rising.
I feel like such a jerk. I called the "fwb" about going to lunch. He said he could meet me at the restaurant next to his work. I called him when I got there. By then he had friends who stooped in his shop so he asked me to order for them all and he would pay for it. So I ate alone, played delivery girl, dropped of the food and he questioned me about the price. "No problem" and he plays Mr. Big Shot and pays for everyone. Think he could have offered to pay for mine too? All i got was a pat on the behind as he escorted me out the back door.
So he tells me thanks and he’ll see me later to give him a call. I do what I’m asked and call him around 8. He’s having car trouble but maybe I can come see him. He has all these friends-not one with a car to borrow? He said he had work to finish but to call him later. I call at 10, no answer. I call at 10:30, he has friends over and now I can’t get in but a few words in because his phone is breaking up.
Does this man have a clew as to what he does to me? Is he so cold and heartless on purpose or is it really just a matter of "stuff happens"?  I’m so hurt and mad at myself. i promise myself over and over again I’m not going to let him use me, I deserve better, blah blah blah! He’s a jerk and I guess I deserve no better because I keep going back for more abuse from him. More crushed feelings. More pain. I guess since I’m not gambling I NEED to find the pain from some other source.

[jean]

((((BETTIE HUGS)))) I know its not for me to judge but you deserve better.Does he realize what he is doing to you.He is taken you for granted and as long as you are there doing things for him he will not realize how much you do for him.Take care bettie xxxxlifes to short

[bettie]

Thanks for the hug Jean, a desperately needed one.
It’s that time again, you can set a watch to it. My hormones are in a major flux today. I am so weepy I don’t know how I will make myself get out of the house but I will. The cats are circling me, they know I’m upset. I forced a half *ssed workout, cried through the whole thing.
My sponsor said we cling to men that we see as more screwed up than we are so we can be busy trying to fix them instead of helping ourselves. I see that. I so want to tell him off but I can form the words-I’ll just start crying and I think he gets off on it. It’s a power thing.
I keep getting myself involved with this fool. I don’t deserve better because I keep going back for more. I’m getting just what i deserve.
I keep doing the same things expecting different results. I’m guilty of allowing it, he’s guilty of taking advantage of it.
I think I’ll go out and pick that kitchen color. A can of paint may go a long way toward motivating me to get started. I put in for a week off either before or after my birthday. There is no possibility of making my goal this quarter so it’s a good time to take off.
bettie

[levi]

Don’t associate with that guy Bettie. From the small amount you have written I can clearly see he will have nothing but a negative impact on your life. I know its a cliche but you DO deserve better and you don’t need to add any other negative factors into your life at this time that will make you feel any worse. Channel all the attention and strength you have in to YOU. Hang in there… no more tears. We all have your back!! xxxxxx—– Levi"We’d gone in search of the American Dream. It had been a lame f*ck around, a waste of time. There was no point in looking back. F*ck no, not today – thank you."

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie to paul315, aka Larry

… With "Fat Tuesday" pending …

Bettie, thanks for the post. I will use it as a reason for me to post to that thread, but will reply here as well. This year I will not be going to Mardi Gras like I have for the past thirty-some years, I decided instead to stay in town and attend a concert by an old, old time favorite of mine, Merl Haggard.  I am mentioning this because the last time I tried to see him he cancelled; and I remember you staying on line with me in the chat room that night keeping me in my hotel room and not roaming the halls of the casino floor — you were a great help, again Thanks.
Enjoy your punskies, I hope they are at least half as good as the beignets in the French Quarter at Café du Monde.   "Laissez le Bon temp rouler".
God’s speed. Stay strong and true to yourself, not a fwb.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, you know what I think of your friend?  You are too good for him, you know you deserve the best.  I was wondering how your Neice is doing?  She has been on my mind lately, and brought up some of my hidden demons, things I haven’t dealt with, but seem to have been surfacing.  I don’t think I can put them on a shelf again and ignore them.  I think it’s time to deal with them.  I’m a fixer also Bettie.  I’ve only started putting myself first lately.  Paint your kitchen, it will brighten up your surroundings.  Be kind to yourself!!Seize all the good things in life

[kathryn]

Hello my dear Bettie,
Not much i can say except that your sposor is one smart cookie.  One day, just like with your addiction, you will see that you are deserving of so so so much  more. Biggest hugs coming from across the ocean, you are one very special person, who deserves only the best.  If only that dickfish could see what a fool he is…he would be licking your shoes!!!   Hold your head up, YOU ARE WORTHY!!!!!!!
Love ya girl,
Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Woke up wishing I was asleep today~lol!
I’m awake because I’m in pain as "Mother Nature" has taken it’s course and the devil horns are now back in my brain where they belong!.I swear, I’m calling my girlie Doctor and we are having yet again a very long talk. This has to stop, it’s the 21st century, there has to be a solution to this issue. I can’t walk around like a completely insane person reaping my own brand of grief to everyone 1 week every month!
So Thursday I did have a divine intervention. My girlfriend called, said "Oh did I wake you?" I said no and proceeded to cry like a 2 year old. She reassured me of how wonderful i am (lol!) and got me out of the house. We went for pedicures and I did pick out my paint for the kitchen. Went grocery shopping and went to the ice cream shop. Can you say Chocolate Brownie Sundae?
I really don’t know if I will make it to work, that waits to be seen. I’ve had about 5 hours sleep and I have my nieces birthday party @ 2pm. I am glad to report that I will be off (Officially-in writing this time!) the week after my birthday. I need to start taking down the things on the walls in the kitchen and start patching the walls. No simple job to paint in this place. My ceiling looks like it’s about to cave in. Nothing structural. I’ve had a few contractors here over the years and they say bad paint or no primer was used when this place was built in 1967. The paint pops and peals down to the drywall. I had a new ceilingg put up in the front room and hall 4 years ago and paid a fortune. I am a master patcher as I have patched every room in this place over the years but the patches will last about 2-3 years before new cracks take their place. Well no money for a contractor these days so I am on my own. I hate patching the ceiling! My neck hurts already!
I did get the apology from the "fwb" that I was looking for. It’s meaningless really, as he is incapable of human feelings being the jackass that he is, but at least I feel a bit vindicated. Well at least I did, until he came into my work and proceeded to ask me if I was gaining weight! I looked at him and told him to SHUT UP! My mom always said if you can’t say something nice then say nothing at all and that he would do well to take that advice! He tried some "oh i didn’t mean….." I cut him off-you could have said my hair looked nice or anything else so you better shut up while you’re ahead! I’m not having it today!
Thank you guys for you unending support. I do read every day but find myself slipping in the posting department.
I will see my niece today Lizbeth. I talked to my sister and social service are moving slow and they do not have health insurance right now. I have talked to my sister and she says my niece is doing OK. I will see for myself. I find I feel better having faced down those ghosts from the past. It hurts but it is helpful.
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie, that so called male "friend" you have, is not a friend! He undermines your self-esteem and in one word I would describe hin as "mean" to you. He disappoints you constantly and does not treat you with respect. I know that in the past you have tried to end the relationship with him, but you keep allowing him back into your life. As long as you keep allowing emotionally abusive men into your life, you leave no room for a healthier relationship with someone else. I wouldn’t even tell him that you want him out of your life; show him by your actions. You’re recovering from compulsive gambling which is an addiction that gets a real stronghold on people like us. Start a recovery journey from this man and make a pros and cons lists of what you get from the relationship.  Get rid of any so called "friends" that don’t treat you with respect and consideration of your feelings. This is all suggested to you in love Bettie! Carole

[p]

Hi Bettie
I did cringe a bit when i read what that guy said to you.. wow, sounds like he has a problem Bettie.. he probably sees how you are growing and moving forward with your life without him and he cant handle it so he has to say something negative.. i hope you find some relief for your pain, its awful.. sometimes a dose of magnesium can help cramping.. you find it in health food stores.. see you soon
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh you are all so right and I know your hearts are in the right place. I don’t know that I deserve better. I try to tell myself I do but since it’s always been like this it is hard to convince myself of that. I have gotten the best and most wonderful advice from you all. Heck even this "friend" had told me that there are lots of guys interested. My question is really? Where are they, introduce me to some of them. Nothing. No response. ( Maybe he’s afraid I will find a Real Man to spend my time with, guess he really wouldn’t want that would he?) Oh and the weight crack! Timing just perfect! I’ve been working out and not getting the results I wanted. Not encouraging or supportive in the least!
Oh well, it is what it is. I’m not ready really. I have so much work to do on myself and really, how could I expect to make someone else happy when I have such poor sense of self? Nothing worse than a clingy insecure person around all the time. I look back to how I was with this "friend" when we first met. I think he told me 3 different times in the first month that he didn’t want a relationship. But boy, he never acted that way. If he didn’t want me he surly had a funny way of showing it.
So I made it to my brothers ( my mother made a pain pill donation, God bless her) and my niece was a no show. I wondered why. My sister came later after work and I asked her what was going on. She said she has to wait for temporary state health care to kick in for my niece, since my brother in law lost his job again so they have not been to counseling. Social services still have not contacted my sister and nothing had happened yet to the abuser. My sister said my niece is embarrassed because she knows I know and she is afraid. I felt so bad. I told her to let her know I would not bring it up and no one else would either. We are here for her. If she wants to talk then we will talk about it.
Took a pain pill and a muscle relaxant. If I don’t sleep tonight I don’t know what else to try, but I am confident I’ll sleep as I am barely keeping myself awake right now.
Thanks again!
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie, I know that you’ve heard it all before about your emotionally unavailable "friend" and many times also. He even told you himself, he does not want a relationship, even though at time he sends you a different message. Him telling you that he doesn’t want a relationship allows him to justify his actions towards you. What about if you developed a friendship with a man you met at GA that have some success under his belt staying gamble free. You could work on recovery together.  Also they say that 1 in 5 relationships develop online these days and there are several of these sites. If you choose to go this route, take lots of time to get to know the person online. That way you’ll see any red flags that may come up. Don’t ignore these as we tend to attract dysfunctional men that need fixing. Diamonds in the rough we think. Don’t settle Bettie; you deserve a healthy relationship that with a man that is available emotionally, willling to support you, encourage you, and build you up, not tear you down. This "friend" of yours goes for the jugular everytime as he knows your emotional weaknesses. Do the pros and cons of your relationship with him. As soon as you start to pull away from this person, if you allow him, he will just reel you in again by some kindness, thus starting the cycle again. It’s the cycle of physical/emotional/psychological abuse that many women live with every day. Again, Bettie, I say these things with love as I want you to be happy. Carole  

[p]

Hi Bettie
Was nice to see you in chat this morning.. hope to see you again soon
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

— 5/26/2011 3:23:44 AM: post edited by bettie.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… Well, thats my take on it …
Good morning Bettie, Happy Mardi Gras to a friend with real benefits.The purple, green, and gold associated with Mardi Gras represent, Justice, Faith, and Power respectfully. I point this out because we in recovery use the same values of these ideals to reach our goal. A lot of us use GA as a guideline to help, its program or philosophy is one that works; but for myself I do not share in it being the only way — the values of the MG banner express much of the same principles, but with fewer words. However, just as the PGG lacks words, the phrase in itself also lacks organization and consistency for all.  GA provides this needed organization and consistency, true I also find them to be protective in their beliefs and quite reluctant to recognize any other views; but I also find that "it works if your work it, it wont if you don’t. The other programs that I have looked into (I have not actually tried them) seem to share in the same principles of GA except for the lifetime commitment and the constant reminder that we are CGs each time we introduce ourselves as such. For me I do not find this to be a problem and even use it in my first time introductions to new members here. Another difference is that I find most of them, especially the ones ran by an individual or self-servicing organization, tend to down GA and its program; whereas GA merely stays mute about other programs without trying to degrade them — maybe to a fault, but if they sent disgruntled members off to another program, people would just bounce around until they found one that agreed to their failed ways, and not a way that works.  "Principles before personalities" is another GA philosophy that works — it if is practiced by our "Trusted Servants and Sponsors" — I feel that some are so busy trying to promote the 12 Steps of Recovery that they forget the Unity Steps.All this said, I will close my early morning "conversation" with you, (I got up too early and your post brought out my thinking about my take of GA) — I will also point out here that if I did not practice another of the GA principles in my following the suggestions of their program, I do not think that I would be as committed to going to meetings as I am; that expanded principle is, "of our own understanding", use of this qualifier helps me overlook the things that I may be at odds with while still believing in the concept. My use of this principle in some of the GA suggestions is also a reason that I have only had a temporary sponsor, one that has to hide from the gambling world and can not condone me going to the casino buss stop every week so that I can see my family — after all, everyone knows that we should not "go in or near gambling establishments", least we be doomed. I feel that I may be ready for a sponsor now, but in the past I did not want the personal confrontation or challenge to others feelings. And strangely enough, I also feel that I could be a sponsor to someone now, even without having one for myself. (I discussed this at the conference I attended last week, and was surprised that a few did this themselves — I guess that I am not such a rough after all.)Below is a copy of an email Ken L sent the other day on GA sponsors, maybe your group does not fit into the characterizations of the members addresses there, but unfortunately that is where the individually takes over; the same individuality that you feel you are being admonished for.  God’s speed. Stay strong. Stay true to "your" recovery and yourself; but don’t give up the use of a support program.
 
Today’s thought from Hazelden is:

The art of life is to show your hand.
–C.V. Lucas

Newcomer

I’ve been thinking about talking to another sponsor. Not to replace you – our relationship is important to me, and I get a lot from it – but in addition to you.

Sponsor

We’re lucky to have such an abundance of sober experience in this fellowship. There are many of us, and we can get to know people with various lengths of time in recovery, different experiences, and different styles. Knowing others and having the willingness to let others know us is one of the keys to growing in recovery.

I support your wanting to enlarge your support system by taking on a second sponsor. There may be someone, for example, with whom you want to focus on spiritual matters.

Your expressing your desire for additional sponsorship gives us an opportunity to take a look at our own relationship. You may think that I won’t be able to understand a particular issue that’s troubling you. You may be worried about how much you’ve already shared with me – many of us in this fellowship are new to letting others get close, and we may feel anxious about it. Problems with relationships are often at the heart of problems of addiction. Whatever it is, I’m open to hearing about it, and I won’t criticize your feelings or walk away. I’ve been there myself. Thank you for being willing to talk with me about your needs and plans.

Today, I am willing to be honest and open with a trusted person. 
You are reading from the book: If You Want What We Have by Joan Larkin
 
 

Larry

Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.– 3/8/2011 1:21:44 PM: post edited by paul315.

[desdemona]

Good morning Bettie! Hope you are having a positive, uplifting day today! I read your last post and Larry’s reply. It’s good to know that there are other rcgs on here to guide us when we are unsure of what we should do. I still am offended when I perceive that somebody’s reaction to me is what I would consider less than supportive. I hope that you can find all the support that you need in your recovery journey Bettie. Carole

[p]

Hi Bettie
Is there another GA group you can try too.. I have found all the groups are quite different from each other in their own way.. whatever is happening Bettie you have been gamble free for a good period of time now.. you are doing really really well.. maybe that sponsor isn’t the right one for you?  I am not sure what you can do, keep going or look for another group maybe?  Maybe you could let them know you feel like a bit of an outsider.. they might not realize they are being so clicky together…
Whatever happens Bettie remember you are doing such a good job, you have come so far in this journey and you spread your support to so many here..
 P – Living and Learning

[vera]

dont want to sound judgemental B, but is that sponsor on some kind of ego trip?
Do it MY way or else??!!

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! About 5 years ago I attended a GA meeting three hours round trip for me. There was this man there that told me that I was not ready to quit gambling, and I hadn’t really said anything. I thought to myself that he had no right to say that to me, without even knowing me. I never went back. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh, it’s me! It’s all me.
I am so moody, maybe it’s just depression, I don’t know.
The statistics are pretty clear. 5% of people who go to GA are successful staying "clean", doing just exactly what the book says.
There is very little room for interpretation there.
My first meeting I was told , in reply to my tear filled therapy, since I mentioned I knew about the 20 questions then what was I doing there.
I am trying to decide what I want to do. See I’m still people pleasing, I don’t want this person mad at me, she’s done nothing wrong. Maybe I’m not ready to work the steps-according to their rules anyways.
I have gotten a lot from this sponsor. She is strong in her recovery. I still feel like an outsider, looking in. I’ve spent my whole life that way.
My "friend" took me to lunch today-surprise! I asked him what he did over the weekend, He told me a little of the good time he had with his friends at a local bar. Nice for him. Of course, I would never be included in something like that. I told him that really made me jealous, as he’s never included me in any gathering. He said next time he would. I won’t hold my breath.
P,there are plenty of GA groups I could try. I am just not inspired to try one.
Larry, if we stayed away from every place that had gambling I couldn’t buy gas or grocery’s, as they have lottery terminals there. All of our PC’s would have to go to the trash too.
As for your GA experience Carole I’m sure he was on an ego trip-and like my guy decided your fate for you. What a shame.
I hope to catch Lee in a bit. Thanks for your heartfelt responses. It makes me feel less lonely.
I’m still in a mood!
bettie– 5/26/2011 6:11:26 AM: post edited by bettie.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

…Larry, if we stayed away from every place that had gambling I couldn’t buy gas or grocery’s, as they have lottery terminals there. All of our PC’s would have to go to the trash too …

Good evening Bettie,
I have brought up the same reasoning when my sponsor told me to fine another way to visit my family; although I doubt that he goes out of his way to shop at the few stories without lottery tickets.
And if all members took that "suggestion" a face value, we could not even meet in the same room with each other. lol
 And you are right, it is you; it is you that is dealing with your addiction, and if I may add, you are doing well.
God’s speed. Stay strong.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Sweet Larry!
Thanks- you made me smile!
bettie

[liz50]

Hello Bettie, thank you for talking to me n chat, it really helped me.  I posted a long post and then re did it later.  My second post was much more personal.  I have gone to Alanon (myhusband drinker) for almost 3 years and the one thing I learned of all is "It’s my program".  The concepts of Alanon follows AA and GA follows AA as well.  We share our "strength, hope and experience" but we do not give advice.  This statement has helped me immensly.  It’s great to have a sponsor, but in reality our program is ours, not theirs, not our friends, or our mom’s- its ours.  This must hold true for any type of program.  I used to try to tell my husband not to do this, do that blah blah, but when I realized I would not like someone telling me what to do, I stopped telling him what to do and I stopped letting other people tell me what to do.  I like to have people share and I may accept their ways or advice but the choice is mine!  I like having choices.  Now as far as gambling goes- there’s my weakness and I am making a choice to start here and again, thank you for hearing me.  I’m sending a big fat hug to you and look forward to hearing of your successes.  And, have fun cleaning!  I’m doing the same.  Take care.Liz50

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! Hope you’re having a great day! Carole

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, hope you had a good day.  I haven’t started the steps yet, I have read them all, but have not gotten a sponser either.  That’s the decision I’ve made for now.  I go to alanon once a week, GA meetings 3 times a week.  This is what is working for me at the time (123 days), and I don’t always agree with other CG’s views at the meetings.  I believe in a higher power, read books on addiction, go to a recovery church every few weeks.  I think it is hypocritical for others to say you have to do your recovery this way or it’s wrong.  Thanks for your prayers!  I hope you didn’t think that I was going to gamble, when I last posted.  I was just feeling overwhelmed, it seems to just be pouring bad news, but we are praying that he will be ok.  In fact we know how lucky we are that he is alive.Seize all the good things in life

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! Want to share what kind of week you’ve been having? Sometimes it helps to talk about it. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Lizbeth it is funny but the things you think will trigger you sometimes do just the opposite and strengthen your resolve to get better and be better. I know that to be true in my case, When the stuff hit the fan in August gambling was the last thing on my mind. Still praying for you all!
Hey Carole, just go back a page or two and you will see whats been going on. lol! Nothing new, just me out of sorts. Funny but it seems to happen every 21-28 days- just like clockwork! Hummmmm……..!
peace
bettie

[thedeviliknow]

Hi Bettie…just wanted to say Hi. It’s hard to keep up with reading on the forum. So many new threads and more addictions. The role remains the same but the faces change. I was very impressed that you were going after the demons of the past that you carry with you in recovery. Take care! I hope the remainder of the week goes well for you. Warm regards!My vice is the dice for life !!!

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, just wanted to say hi.  I was having lag problems on chat today, and I didn’t feel like dealing with it today.  Thanks for your prayers, they are working.Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well Lizbeth a little visit is better than none at all! So glad to see you!
TDIK!! Hey! I have been neglectful with so many new folks posting too. Want to respond to everyone but time doesn’t always allow it.
Well I called my sponsor tonight. She was abrupt with me on Tuesday and told me to call her tonight and let her know where I was on my step paper work. When I did she was going to dinner with a friend but spared me a few minutes waiting for her table. Told her I had contemplated just filling in anything on the step work sheets as I just didn’t get what they were looking for. She said I over think the questions. ( Maybe it’s my high CG level of intelligence that does that-who knows? ) It drives me crazy. One of the questions she answered for me. Isolating. I am still isolating because I do this "on line stuff" instead of going to real meetings.
Deep breath needed here. I really resent my on line blogging and therapy being dismissed as nonsense. I use this forum as a sounding board for my innermost thoughts, feelings, daily stress and for advice from the "experts"-Real people going through the same things my "sick" brain goes through. She may have a point. I may be isolating because I have no other outlet. It’s not like people are calling ME and including ME in their day to day life. Maybe if she looked here, used the link I sent her, was open minded, she would know just how "isolated" I feel. I’ve never been one to intrude, I know when I’m not included and I don’t feel welcomed. I will not ask to go where I am not wanted.
I’m mad i didn’t call her on this. It slipped past me. She was somewhat pleased that I located a Thursday night meeting just 15 minutes from here. She expects me to go next week. I might, but my reason to go is to possibly change meetings, not add an additional one.
I work my recovery everyday. I am now carrying resentment toward someone who’s trying to help me, because she thinks I’m not. 
Is it my childish way of acting out?
Am I as clueless as I now feel?
Am I just being defensive?
Do I want recovery-or am I merely accomplishing abstinence for a temporary period-gearing up for the "right time and right set of circumstances" so I can start the destruction cycle again?
Maybe I do need to stay "off line" for a week, wing it, but the reality is I really depend on this site and others.
just thinking…..
bettie– 3/11/2011 2:57:51 AM: post edited by bettie.

[liz50]

Hi Bettie, me Liz50.  I just want to tell you that it is YOUR program, not anyone elses.  If coming here helps you it’s probably a good thing huh!  No one can really decide what is good for us, others are only supposed to share what has worked for them.  Sounds like to me the other perosn has a control issue and should probalby work on his or her own program- just saying.  Why would being online be a sign of  isolating?  That’s something the media says.  We are where we are- no more, no less.  I remember one time I was at an Alanon meeting and it was almost over & everyone was laughing and I made a quick comment to the speaker and another person "shished me" (shhhh) me.  I started bawling, bad.  I felt so unwelcome and hurt- as I had not done a thing wrong.  Two good things came out of that- 1- other people opened up to me and said it shouldn’t have been done and 2, I was actually able to move on and let go of it-   I think you are doing fantastic.  We all know how powerful the disease is, so anyone who can abstain- in my eyes- is doing good.  I hope you have a better evening!  I am on day 3- have an issue coming up tomorrow and have it pretty well planned out.  Anyway, glad to see you.  Take care!  Hugs.Liz50

[bettie]

Tx Carole!
There is no way I can stay offline! Who am i kidding?
Tx Levi, Saman, Help123, Carole, Reds, Laura, Speedracer,Kin. Hope i didn’t miss anyone!
I am so lazy! Suppose to go for a couple drinks with  my daughter but I don’t feel like getting ready.  Gonna watch some TV, so sad about the earthquake. God help them and bless them.
peace
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
…There is no way I can stay offline! …
Originally posted by Levi
 
(thank you so much Saman, Help and Bettie and Carole) who saw me through the worst of the rocky ride and fully distracted me with good chat and support! … I am still gamble free!

Good evening Bettie, I for one, and I am sure there are others, Levi for example, that are happy that you are online during critical times during our lives. Levi’s post reminds me on a similar time we spent online together.
By the way, went to the "make-up" concert Wednesday. It was ok, more than ok really. I went with my son and had an enjoyable time together.  I am glad that I finally made it, but both Merle’s and Kris’s performances were a reminder that we should retire at some point in our lives. Their time is not necessary here yet, but their voices are near the edge.  Nevertheless, the evening was great and the concert was entertaining and worth the wait. 
In addition, my being there and making it through songs that seem to be based on my feelings without me breaking down, goes to show that I am improving in the guilt part of my past. Living ODAAT also puts time between the heartaches — I am glad the Merle didn’t sing "The First Time We Met" though; the line that "your memory is stronger than time" still would have done me in.
Thanks again.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep reaching out.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! I read your post about what "someone else" expects you to do in your recovery. I fully agree with Liz that it is your recovery journey, and each person is unique as to what they need to stay stopped. Frankly if I had someone supporting me that tried to put THEIR expectations on me, and pressured me, it would make me want to gamble. I would find someone who had kinder words and could support me in the way I needed support.  You are doing awesome Bettie and like Larry has stated, you have supported many persons here. And you continue to be gamble free and inspire others that it is an attainable goal. Carole 

[thedeviliknow]

Hey Bettie! I don’t think the words "skinny’ and "pastry" can be used in the same sentence. I think you’re going to have to do some work on critical thinking if you keep sporting those contradictory beliefs. Unless of course you’ve fallen down a rabbit hole.My vice is the dice for life !!!

[p]

Hi Bettie
Hope that this thing works out with the sponsor, if not, try that other group and maybe switch if its not going to.. do what is best for you at this time.. hope you are having a good day, was hoping to catch you in chat but looks like i have missed everyone
 P – Living and Learning

[kathryn]

Hey girl,
Hmmm, perhaps its time to sit down with your sponsor and calmly and clearly tell her how you are feeling.  Im only going on what you have written, but she seems extremely pushy, and forcing you to do things before you are ready is not going to help, and in truth, she should know that!
Sometimes people have one way and that is the only right way.  We both know that our individual journeys are all different, this site shows just how different recovery can be.
Please dont keep trying to make her happy, you are like me in that way, its easier to do what they want and not rock the boat. Sometimes you need to stand up and do what you want to do regardless of what anyone else thinks.  Im sure you can have a civilised conversation with this woman without hurting her feelings but at the same time letting her know you are moving too fast, you should be able to tell her what you want out of this.  Its not about her Bettie, its about you. 
Love you girl, Kathryn xxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! I too had the thought that Larry could be your sponsor. He mentioned that he felt he could be a sponsor at this time. He can and you need one. Sounds like a marriage to me! I’m checking in to see how you are Bettei! Hope you’re having a good day! Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for checking up on me. Poor Larry, no pressure! Long distance GA sponsorship my not be practical and besides, how could I come here and complain about him? lol!
Today went OK, work is slow and  the company is getting all over us about sales. There is no way to pull this quarter out of the dumpster but they intend to give us hell right up until the last day of March. Then April comes and we can start the terror all over.
I’ve got to start looking for another job. I don’t know how I will survive when the asst manager retires May 1st. We have worked together for almost 20 years. She has been my mentor and my friend, even though she can get on my nerves. She’s been telling her regular customers to come see me and frankly they are mostly high maintenance and I really have enough grunt work without having to deal with rich people crying that the savings rates are too low.
Lazy lazy lazy. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Whether it’s sitting at my PC waiting for recovery or sending out no resumes’ and waiting for my dream job or wishing I was skinny but not dieting or working out, I guess it’s time to wake up! Stand up! Grow up maybe? Is this what they mean when they say CG’s are immature?
Hummmmmm……….
peace
bettie

[liz50]

Hi Bettie, I never heard that about CG being immature- but a cheerful heart doeth good- so whoever thought that up- haha up their nose with a rubber hose!  Yep, immature.  LOL.  Just checking in to say hello and tell you that you are amazing and to keep moving forward.  I’m on day SEVEN! Liz50

[finding_laura]

Hey miss B,
we’ve been missing each other lately!  And sounds like I’ve been missing a lot.  Haven’t been able to do too much reading lately, this is my first big burst of it in  a bit.  I’m sorry but not everyone who is a member of GA is perfect…..  It is made up of everyday people who all have their own issues, myself included!  I think I’d just tell your sponsor that the match isn’t working out for you and that you appreciate everything she’s done but politely no thank-you to anymore.  You know, for someone who used to be fairly negative (me) I am now a firm believer that the thoughts you hold in your mind can influence your reaility.  If you see lazy, if you see fat, if you see stuck in same dead end job it can be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.  See hard working (two jobs i do believe?), see employed in a terrible job market, see working on healthy living (mind body and spirit).  You face a lot every day Bettie.  Don’t beat yourself up, just keep picking the next little thing you can do for yourself to make yourself feel the way you would like.  You are a super duper lady who cares a lot about others.  Now you need to care about an important lady, miss Bettie.
Luv ya dear friend and don’t every forget otherwise!
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
L & L, lol!
Thanks for the check up. I talked to my sponsor tonight, just girl talk and it was good. Yea Laura. I can be a real downer however as bad as i can be i am SO much more positive than I used to be. It is frustrating because sometimes it just feels that no matter how much I try to be positive it makes no difference, it all turns to cr*p.
Just life happening, and I have no control over some things and have to let them go. Thats the hard part for me.
I’m gonna paint that kitchen next week! No procrastinating!
My cg friend called me at work today. I had to laugh at him. He called to complain about a new $2 service charge and wanted to know how to avoid it. Now mind you he has paid hundreds in overdraft fees already this year, and I’m sure he accepts that as part of his gambling expenses, but like most cg’s he saves pennies to waste dollars. How insane is that? Been there, done that!
I have also noticed a lot of new folks struggling with the monetary losses. I read something good I want to share.
" When we chose to gamble we willing gave that money to the casino-it doesn’t belong to us anymore! Why do we keep referring to it as our money? If we had bought something tangible with it, say a TV or Car or house, we could accept that we spent the money. Yes, they used marketing to get us to go there, so does the store. They Didn’t drive to our door, put a gun to our head, and force us into a car to go."
Do I regret the money i wasted? Yes, but I accept the fact that it is gone and I choose to move on.
peace
bettie
 

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing.  The money I lost-remember how hard it was for me to let go of that?  It took me awhile but what’s gone is gone, and it’s not coming back. Glad I choose to move on.  Sorry, you are not a downer, life just really s–ks sometimes, and it’s hard to be positive all the time.  Paint the kitchen, I know when I do some painting (improvements) it makes me feel better and makes things brighter.  Take care!Seize all the good things in life

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie!  I hope you’re doing well and are having a good day today. Carole

[p]

Hey Bettie
Hows you today?  Just popping in saying hi, was hoping you would be on chat but i think i may have just missed you chicky.. hope you are in a happy place today
 P – Living and Learning

[liz50]

Hello Miss Bettie, I hope tomorrow is a super dooper day for you.  I’m at day NINE!  I had an urge today but got thru it.  Having all this new time on my hands is weird lol- so- my dog has diarriah (cant spell it) and poops all over my dining room floor- not my idea of spending my time, having to clean it up. lol  I have no plans for the weekend evening Fri or Sat – those would be gambling times- so I have to get something figured out.  You mentioned that sometimes you felt negative- something that could help is doing daily affirmations.  Just a thought but it could help!  Like saying "I am an awesome person" "I am a kind person" "i am…etc"  Hugs to you!Liz50

[bettie]

 
Happy St Patrick’s Day!!
I’m getting ready to meet with my brother for some green beer and corned beef-it’s a Chicago thing! lol!
Thanks for the chats today. I hope to catch a few this weekend too!
peace
bettie
 

[jean]

Hiya bettie was nice to catch you on chat earlier you are doing amazing on your gamble free days stay strong and take care. xxxlifes to short

[p]

Hey Missy
Hope to catch you on chat again soon, enjoy that green beer and corned beef heheeh..
 P – Living and Learning

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! I want to wish you a very Happy, Happy Birthday for Sunday!  I hope that you feel as special as you truly are. Carole

[jean]

Hi Bettie just letting you know i am thinking about you stay strong and happy birthday for sunday.Take care xxlifes to short

[liz50]

Hope you had a green beer and a great time with your brother.  Some day we will meet face to face cuz I am not that far from you.  I’ll be MIA for about a month (unless I can sneak on the computer) but it will depend on the eye recovery.  Day 11 here doll.  Talk to you yet this weekend.Liz50

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
What will I do without a daily post from you Liz, LOL!
Well, no laughing matter but maybe you can get a typing surrogate to read and type for you!
Home from My GA meeting and a 5 year pinning. It was just beautiful. I was honored to be asked to read from the GA RED Book. First time I ever saw it. The message I was asked to read was from some one with 9 months "clean" and how they felt about driving one hour to their meeting and what they thought about driving there and back. Funny how that same story could have been mine with a few little "tweaks". I have 7 months clean today and I drive about 45 minutes. I also received a birthday gift from my sponsor- a copy of the "One Day At A Time" book. I have been looking at ordering one so that came at a good time too.
I should be in bed-big day tomorrow. Going to see a Rod Stewart and Elvis impersonator-a gift from my former gambling buddy. Nice to spend time with her and not even think about gambling. There was a little exception to that today. She had called to have me do some research for her on a bank account thats now closed. Withdrawal after withdrawal from the casino’s we went to together. I’m sure if I went to my statement from the same time frame I’d have just as many withdrawals-if not more. I sure don’t miss that!
Thank you for the birthday wishes early. I have no idea why, with all my self esteem issues, I have always felt special on my birthday. Just like a little kid I guess-cg immaturity-but in a good way.
Looking forward to my birthday cake Sunday-Monday starts my diet! Had a little cheesecake tonight, it was SO GOOD!
I had my beer and corned beef yesterday. Nice dinner with my brother. I am fortunate to have him in my life. I still feel like I can’t share my CG with him-for fear of upsetting him. I am loosing some of the shame I have been carrying around and accept that this is a mental illness. What others think of it is really none of my business-I don’t have to face them in the mirror in the morning. I know I have a family history of mental illness-schizophrenia, depression, and looking back now I believe my deceased brother had a cg problem too. I used to think what the heck is wrong with him? He always bought lottery tickets and cigarettes before gas and groceries. Almost 9 years since he passed and I am just making that connection. You know I had my one "big" win on his birthday a couple years after he died. I thought he was really pulling for me-as I needed it so bad. Little did I know that it was the beginning of the end for my gambling career. Maybe he was pulling for me after all!
peace
bettie

[liz50]

What a sweet post regarding your brother who passed and good to know you are doing great!  I’m up way past my supposed bed time.  Got bored on Facebook and tired of looking at surgery sites.  So, popped in here to find you up so late!  I can relate to you about the bank statement.  I used to look at my bank statements and scold myself and say, ok startng next month I won’t have any withdrawls from the casino.  Well, that was not true as I always kept doing it.  When I stopped gambling 11 days ago, it was not the beginning of a new month- but I was happy about stopping because I new this March statement will be the last time I have a casino registered at my bank.  I can only hope I can live seven years out so I can destroy this March 2011 statement.  It is embarrassing and shameful.  Someone said that being concerned with what others think of us, showed that we were probably serious about our recovery.  That was nice to hear because I do not want to let down my family.  I have not told everyone all the gory little details such as the amounts but I have told most everyone close to me that I have decided not to gamble.  I have been questioned and teased some, but am dealing with it.  I am really glad you had time with your brother and don’t feel like you even have to discuss "it" because it is up to you!   You have GA and it sounds like a pretty good group too.  Well sweets, I should get off here.  Have a super fantastic Saturday!  Treat yourself well because you totally deserve it.  Hugs.Liz50

[lcat286]

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement. 🙂 I miss chatting with you. Hope you have a great weekend and Happy Birthday!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, Happy Birthday(early), I hope your day is great, you deserve it.  Glad you had a good time with your brother.  When you were talking about your deceased brother, it brought back memories of my friend who passed around 15 years ago.  I loved him like a brother, and I’ve had soo many things going on lately that I hadn’t thought of him recently.  But it was good to think of him and how he made me laugh, and always could get me in a good mood.  That was before my gambling addiction started.  I would like to think he is up there rooting for me now. Seize all the good things in life

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… I have 7 months clean today …

Good morning Bettie,
Congratulations and well done on reaching this milestone; you have reached this Seven Month plateau on the eve of your belly-button birthday by overcoming the immature actions of a CG, by advancing ODAAT. 
Enjoy your gambling free time today and your Birthday cake tomorrow; being able to enjoy the little things of life is what recovery is about. (Even though the cake may no longer be so little with "all" the candles it has to hold –lol; but the light that they shine can not out shine you — lol, this part is a serious thought).
God’s speed. Stay strong. Stay young in your years and grow old in your days of recovery.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[liz50]

Hi Bettie, please eat a piece of cake for me, hopefully it is dripping in icing, chocolate and HUGE lol.  You have a lot ot celebrate!  Sorry I just missed you on chat.  Hugs!Liz50

[kathryn]

Hello Birthday Girl,
In case i dont see you, i am sending you huge hugs, lots of laughs, relaxation, and of course, delicious cake!!!!
Happy Birthday to someone i think is just awesome!!!!
PS….well done on the 7 months too…WTG GIRL!!!!!!!!!!
Love, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Thanks guys!
Well I should be moving but dragging my butt!
"Elvis" was a hoot! Turns out Liz50 went to school with him and told me he used to be a male exotic dancer! LOL!
Than explains a lot! He sat on my lap, facing me, singing in my ear then kissed me! What a hoot! As a matted of fact that was the 2nd kiss from him as he had gotten me the first time around the room! It was fun and " Rod Stewart" wasn’t bad either. Here’s a tip for all the impersonator want to Be’s. Know the words to the songs you are trying to sing, makes it more believable!
lol!
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
Sounds like you had a great time on your birthday, sure beats those gambling days Bettie, look how far you have come what better birthday present to yourself than being gamble free.. good on you Bettie.. the night sounded fantastic, had to have a little giggle about it, fun fun fun.. see you soon
 P – Living and Learning

[liz50]

LOL, geeze, when you told me it was Irv I could not believe it!  It is such a small world!  Posting here, it’s my daily thing lol.  You are awesome!  Talk to you soon. It’s my LUCKY day 13, YAY!Liz50

[lizbeth4]

Happy Birthday Bettie!!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[thedeviliknow]

Good to hear you had an awesome time on your birthday!My vice is the dice for life !!!

[michelle64]

((((bettie))))) happy birthday – Take care Michelle

[غير معروف]

Happy, happy birthday friend!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[lynn]

Happy birthday Bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Oh thanks for the birthday wishes! I had a good weekend, got a lot of thoughtful gifts ( and a bottle of my favorite tequila! ) I woke up today with a food hangover! I ate way too much cake and pie too. My body feels hungover and I didn’t have one drink yesterday. ( OK I had 1 beer, lol! )
Well i need to take the things off the wall in the kitchen and get started. That’s the hardest part-just getting started. I want to just go out and spend my gift cards but I made a commitment ( to myself) to do this and I will.
There was something I wanted to write but am sitting here with a blank mind! Is this what happens when you turn 48? Oh well, bring it on! So much better than the alternative!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I’m happy that you had a great birthday!! Seize all the good things in life

[liz50]

Hey there!  I was thinking that after you drank that tequilla you were dreaming of the "other Elvis"- you know, the one I told you about LOL.  I had to stop by and say hello and let you know tomorrow is my eye surgery.  You better be posting when I get back lol.  Hugs!Liz50

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Hey Liz i got the tequila as a gift-I sure as heck didn’t drink it! That may have killed me! lol!
Procrastinating the painting-patching almost finished and taping is about done.
OK, back to work!
bettie

[female g]

I know what you mean just did all that on sunday and the worst part is just that. But what I try to think of is how great it will look in the end. Visualize the end product and  it may help tp push you onward. knowing I am at the end at least of the first level and it sure does look great now. G

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, I always hate the prep work when painting, but I love the finished work!!  Have a good day!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Woke today feeling quite arthritic! My elbows, hands, knees, wow! I am determined to get done today as this is a vacation week and d*mn it I want to do something fun! My brother was over to inspect my work last night, lol, but we went to dinner and I got a bit sidetracked. He is going to make some trim pieces for the kitchen, as when we put in the laminate floor in 2002 there was a gap in one area and we had always intended to cover it up. Better late than never right?
My spare bed room is loaded with stuff-I have to decide what to put back up and what to get rid of.
Decisions, decisions!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, it sounds like alot of work, but you will be happy when it is done and looks great.  Have a good day!!Seize all the good things in life

[jean]

Hi Bettie you are doing a great job in your kitchen i peeped through your window last night lol.You need to take time off for a few days now and have some fun.Treat yourself bettie for a job well done.Take care.xxlifes to short

[p]

Hi Bettie
Hows that kitchen coming along then.. you must be madly working on it.. good for you, a new coat of paint, a fresh start, a new Bettie, hope to see you soon chickadee its been too long
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

HI Guys!
Wondered if you may have noticed i was gone! lol!
Woke up yesterday to a crashed PC! Brought it to my brother and found i had the dreaded BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH!
Well, my brother loaned me his laptop, God love him, and he will be working on mine tonight. I had such PC withdrawal last night-it was awful! PC urges-who knew?? I had to buy a new hard drive and my techie nephew will try to recover some files from the old one. Nothing earthshattering except that ALL my tax records are on there and i haven’t done my taxes yet! Thats what i get for not transferring them but since I no longer have a floppy drive I didn’t know how to do it! Well as always I learn the hard way!
Finally got the painting and patching done but man what a cost! I’ve been going to bed with a pain in the right shin and woke up with a numb right arm. A bit of arthritis and carpal tunnel in that wrist from my cash handling days. Next time I mention painting someone remind me why I hired someone else to do it! I still haven’t retrieved anything from the bedroom to rehang but I bought new rugs and a painting of Poppie flowers that really looks sharp in there.
Well off to GA in a few, need to get ready. Rush all day, shopping for a baby shower for tomorrow. I wish I could stay home but my sponsor will have my head! lol!
hope to catch u all later!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I wondered where you were.  Good to hear you finished the kitchen. I’m sure it looks good.  Have a good meeting tonight.Seize all the good things in life

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
I feel like I’ve fallen into a black hole the last few days.  In a bit of a funk but the good thing is i always come out of them.  I was off all week but made my son’s school break and activities for him a priority.  Didn’t work out very well for catching groups.  I am thinking I need to get my behind off to GA today as well.  Been too long since i’ve been in the regular routine of meetings.  You’ll be so happy to have that kitchen painted and the room back to rights.  Now did you do anything just for fun? Easy to get out of balance if we are not paying attention.  All work no play isn’t good for us either.  Non gambling play of course!!  Just checking in Bettie to see how you are doing.  Hope you are able to move this morning!!  Catch you soon I hope.  Take care,
Laura

[bettie]

Thanks Everyone!
So , the hard drive WAS the right one-need to take sleeve of the old one to make it work! My fault-i had the old one here when my brother had the new on at his house. He will look at it today.
UGH!!! My daughter! Trying my patience for sure, Since day one she has refused to deal with "the landlord" and has left that to me. She is having an electrical problem and the only time he could get with the electrician is today. Jen called me throwing a royal fit. She doesn’t want him there, she doesn’t want to see him. He ripped her off. "I’m gonna do something to this place to get even with him!" Hey, grow up! It’s done. She has an option, she can move, she doesn’t have to stay. She snuck two cats in the place, after I told her not to, and now she doesn’t want to deal with the consequences. I reminded her who paid the deposit after the fiasco. She was crying like a baby. She’s 29. I don’t know what to say. He will be calling here to complain to me too. Stuck in the middle-right where I put myself.
Yet another lesion!
peace
bettie– 3/26/2011 4:50:19 PM: post edited by bettie.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, thanks for the post.  You are right.  I know I have to put myself and recovery first.  Here I go again, trying to fix the situation, putting the stress on myself.  I think in a strange way my Husband is trying to protect me, and he is making alot of sense. Sorry, you are having to deal with the "landlord" again.  By the way, what color is the kitchen???Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

OK my interior designers!
Well my one fun thing was the baby shower, and it was very nice except for one minor detail. The "FWB" called me yesterday, and asked if i was going to the party. I told him yes and he told me he was invited too. He did photography for the expectant couple, I work with the dad.Cr*p, I sure didn’t want him showing up. Some of the people I work with knew we were a couple for a while, before he decided he "didn’t want a relationship". Well long story short he said he planned to come alone which was a relief, and finally didn’t show at all. So typical of him, make a commitment and be a no show! He did call me at 8:30 pm asking if I was still there. The party started at 3pm and I left at 7pm so it all worked out. He wanted to know if I like the pictures and frankly, they were lovely.
I did eat like a pig! The future great grandma cooked (she’s 80) and it was so good! Wonderful Mexican food, Desserts galore too! My asst manager just about slapped my hand, telling me to stop! I said Yes Mother! Gee, not too embarrassing.
My lovely daughter took off and let the bf deal with the landlord. I guess he put the cats in a the bedroom and told them he was cat sitting and not to open the door. Jen said that he didn’t say anything else and that they still have no electric in the dinning room ceiling. Well at least they have it back in the hall and bathroom. I wonder when he will call me, as I am sure he will. Oh well, my plan is to tell him to call that brat of mine. It’s not my problem and I need to let her grow up, even if she doesn’t want to.
So the kitchen is a pail yellow. My condo is very small and the front room shares a wall with the kitchen. The front room is pumpkin orange. The colors really work. My brother was over to reinstall my ceiling fan and thought I did a fine job. He can be a harsh critic, so that was a big compliment.
I have my PC back-minus my files! I have to call the nephew and see what can be done. I got a lecture on how dirty the inside was. My brother said there was a lot of fur in there and some was orange. My orange cat ( punkin ) passed in 2006 so yea, I guess it did need a clean up!
It’s 4:15am and I am wide awake. Last day of vacation and I can’t sleep. I stopped taking the xanax as I am out of it and now I keep waking at about 3am and can’t get back to sleep. Well it will work out, just need to adjust. Still have numbness in my right hand and it falls asleep and becomes painful. Thats part of what wakes me up too.
The chat sure has been slow, guess people are sleeping like they are suppose to.
hope to chat soon!
bettie

[lizbeth4]

HI Betti, pale yellow, I like, bet it looks good.  It’s good that you let your daughter deal with the landlord.  My girls are grown (28, 31), and still have alot of growing up to do.  I have really backed off, and let them deal with their issues. I’m always here for them, when they really need me.  The baby shower sounds like it was fun!!  I hope your hand gets better, and you get some sleep.  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well i survived Monday-first day back at work. I found my wrist brace and hope that will help with the pain in my wrist. It woke me again last night and kept me up a bit but I was able to go back to sleep.
Had a funny open chat. Carole-you are a funny girl!
I was looking at some old posts tonight. Funny how people just kind of drift away. I have been here just over a year and wonder about some of my "old friends" and what they are doing.
Running girl. ddroads, obliener,Salina, irc,howanna,just to name a few. I think about you all, and wish u all well. If you are still reading please say hi!
Vera, hope u have INTERNET soon!
My kitchen is so springy and clean-I want to move my bed in there!
So are gambling thoughts seasonal? I wonder. The sun shines and I have this fantasize about buying a beer and sitting on the deck and looking at lake Michigan.( the casino’s here are on riverboats ). Funny because even when I was gambling I had the same thought-but rarely did I even walk out there, didn’t want to waste precious gambling time.
How silly is that??
peace
bettie

[jean]

Hi Bettie sounds like yo u have done a great job on your kitchen.Think i might hire you to decorate my living room for me.You are doing amazing staying gf.Take care xxlifes to short

[kathryn]

Hey Bettie,
Your condo sounds lovely and i love the colours, how uplifting.  Im glad you survived your first day back at work, my mouth was watering reading about the party….lets face it, its ALL about the food!!!!!!
I too think about those that have drifted, there are lots that i met when i first came here that havent returned and i do hope they are all doing ok, although i was thrilled to see Minky’s post, she was always on my mind.
Speaking of on my mind, i have hardly seen you.  I wanted you to know that as of the 18th april i will be back doing my monday night group!!!  Im not sure of the time yet, but i will let you know as it would be lovely to see you!!!
Well, should do some more posting, ive been slack of late but i have been so busy at work and by the time i get home, tea, washing, lunches, dishes…well, you know the story!!!
Love ya, Kathryn xxxxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[thedeviliknow]

It’s almost time for a balcony flower show! Let us know when the last frost has passed in Illinois. I just turned the soil in my rockery to put in a few Primulas to ge off to a start.My vice is the dice for life !!!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
So good to see yours posts!
So TDIK you remember the flowers? I just bought a big watering can in the hopes of using it soon! No flowers will survive here until mid May so another 6 weeks at least before planting.
I have had a really restless night. My arm and wrist are driving me crazy! I may have to call the Dr. and go in! So stupid to have to spend the money as the most I can hope for is a pain killer and a brace. My old one needs replacing so I will do that today. I will be useless with so little sleep but I dare not call off just coming off a vacation week.
I am quite disgusted with my weight. I am looking at my summer wardrobe and know very few pieces will fit. Funny but the next size up is too big and the size I wear is short/tight. I was working out Monday and caught a glimpse of myself. I said to myself why bother? So self defeating! How do people work out in front of a mirror? Having an appetite like a horse doesn’t help either.
Oh my alarm just went off-time to get up I guess!
Well more coffee and more reading and maybe I’ll get moving.
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Hey Bettie! Thanks for the post after my idiotic gambling slip; it helped a lot. Back to day 1 but like you said, every day is day one, so that helped with the sting of my behavior. It was really hard to admit that I had gambled. And it wasn’t even fun!!! I’ve finally been approved to volunteer at Victim Services which I am pretty sure I will enjoy. Maybe won’t enjoy going to the death notifications to families, but hopefully there will not be too many, or they will be when I’m not working. We simply go along with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and be there as a support for the family in the first few hours. You and I do have fun on chat! It’s good to be silly at times! I knew when I read all of your thread when I first came to this site, that I wanted to be friends with you. I’m glad you mentioned Vera as I was concerned about her as she hadn’t been around. Later gator!!! Carole

[p]

Hi Bettie
I haven’t seen you round as much lately.. glad to hear you got that painting done, how wonderful for you, the party sounded good too, the food, yum.. i sure have been doing enough eating lately hehe, when dont i.. the only time i didnt was when i gambled.. i hope to see you again soon and think you are going really well with the new gamble free bettie, well not so new, you have done so well and are now gamble free some time, seven months hey it is wonderful.. see you soon
 P – Living and Learning

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, sorry you are still in such pain after the painting.  But I’m sure you are happy with the kitchen.  I’ve seemed to miss you on weekend chat.  I haven’t been going on as much, been real busy lately.  Let’s don’t talk about weight, I lost 3 lbs.  I have been really eating healthy and cut out all that cola I was drinking.  I’ve been walking alot.  It’s just not enough, I’m going to have to step it up with some workouts.  Yeah, got to get myself phsyced up for this!!  Oh, well, have a good day, and I hope you can find a way to control the pain.  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
It’s been a strange day.
Started the day early after 5 and 1/2 hours of restless sleep. I got on the chat which started well enough but ended with me in tears. I am reminded yet again about my poor attitude and how my negative ways predetermine my life. It seems to me some people just have easier lives than others do. The "happy" ones don’t get that if you are always beaten down it’s hard to throw caution to the wind. Case in point, I got a warning yesterday at work about the branch not having any qualified referrals to the investment person. Somehow it’s my fault that people don’t want their money in the stock market. Whatever, not something I can control so I have to let that go. I will get a written warning about not making my quarterly goal. I have that to look forward to next week. To add insult to injury my co banker is already one up on me for next quarter. He had one of my regular customers that had been on the fence about refinancing and he took the loan application. See, customers don’t understand that people like me will be out of work when they bring me all the service work and give the sales to who ever takes them on any given day. If the tables had been turned he would be in the managers office insisting that he be given the credit. The same appeal on my part is a waste of time. My manager always sides with him-even when he blatantly stole credit from me in the past. So I guess this is another case of my bad attitude predetermining my future. This is based on my real life experience-and it makes me like I am. Yet another thing to accept-whether I like it or not. 
My daughter told me my mom had been saying "I’m tired of having to beg to get things done for me. You mother knows I need my hair done and I am tired of begging." I saw the Chiropractor today for my back and my carpel tunnel then drove 1 hour to go do her hair. I called her when I was on my way and she went off on how awful it is that she can’t go to the doctors and she has to beg to get rides. I was less than nice. There is NO REASON she can’t dial the phone and make an appointment. We have public transport that will pick her up at the door thats really cheap and frankly she can well afford a taxi! My poor sister is working full time at a minimum wage job trying to keep food on the table since her husband is out of work. My brother-in-law is fed up with her and her smart*ssed comments. I am accused of being negative-well you haven’t met my mom. She picked the wrong day to complain to me. I let her have it. I told her just how much better she had it than alot of Seniors-she says well they don’t have to stay home all the time-I told her neither did she! I told her maybe if she didn’t lie and make things up as she went she might be included more. Well that was it. She told me not to come and hung up. I cried and cried while driving my car-mad at myself for loosing my temper with her, mad because she is so hateful, mad because I must be just like her and not realize it.
I prayed to God when I approached the house." Lord I don’t know what to say. Just help me because this will be the last time I try to do anything for her is she starts up when I walk through the door.’ I approached with caution. I walked in and she didn’t say a word. I told her "Mom. I’m tired and PMS today. When you need me for something you just have to ask. I might not be able to do it right away but I will help. I can not read minds and you never asked me to come do your hair." She acted like we never talked on the phone. Thank you Jesus!
My sisters house was a disaster, husband and daughter watching TV. I put the perminate wave solution on my mom’s hair and proceeded to wash her dishes and tidy the kitchen up a bit. My brother in law says "you don’t have to do that." I told him i knew that, and did it anyways. Some days I am reminded why I don’t have a husband. I’ll be d*mned if I would come home to that mess with two able bodied people sitting on their bums while I worked mine off!
I took the long route home so I could stop at my sisters work and visit her for a few minutes. ( if my mom knew this she would have a fit!-so stupid!) We talked. She told me what has been going on. Her husband is depressed and mom nit picks every time she gets a chance. By the time I got done seeing her I was totally wound up! She lives near the casinos so guess what I had to pass? I was more that a bit tempted to say to h*ll with it all and go but reminded myself I’m banned. So not worth chancing jail just because I was upset. So not worth it at all! Who needs misery on top of misery?
Well I guess I’ll get over it. Came home exhausted and back hurting. Did two loads of clothes but have done little else. I thought about a meeting then thought I’m too tired.
Maybe I’ll go sit in the kitchen. It’s still clean and pretty in there.
Bad mood go away!
bettie– 4/4/2011 12:12:15 PM: post edited by bettie.

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! No wonder you were feeling crabby on chat, though I enjoy talking to you, crabby or not. You do have a lot on your plate that’s for sure. Most customers don’t realize that banks work the way they do, and that there are quotas to meet. I hope that you sleep well tonight and wake up rested for tomorrow. And that you have a fun, restful weekend. Your friend, Carole

[p]

Dear Bettie
I am so glad that you are dealing with things the way you are.. you show strength, dont be hard on you Bettie, you helps so many people here and it is always a pleasure to catch up.  Sounds like you are trying to be everything to everyone.. be kind to you and do something good for you now.  So glad you did that kitchen, it sounds so nice!
 P – Living and Learning

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, hope you are feeling better now.  I never knew how banks worked till I talked to you.  Wish you could get a new job where you were appreciated.  But I know how tough it is out there now.  Sorry, your Mom went off on you.  Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you do you can’t win.  Seeing my Mom next week, please be in a good mood, don’t ruin our fun with negativity.  Your poor Sis, alot on her plate right now.  Good on you for being strong and not gambling after all that you went through today.  Hang in there Bettie!Seize all the good things in life

[gunner27]

Hi Bettie
It’s very interesting that there are so many (intelligent and articulate) folks on here such as yourself and so many of them have difficult families or relationships, there is clearly a close connection. It is particularly unfair that so many of the people on here are thoughtful and genuine but have been pushed into gambling by bad feelings created by other problems in their lives. We associate gambling as a relief from our problems but of course it isnt, at best it is a temporary smokescreen, at worst it destroys us. I really hope you have a better day today Bettie. Jim

[pumkin113b]

Hi Bettie —
It was nice seeing you in chat yesterday! Wow you really did have a rough day of it, huh? Good on you for staying strong 🙂 Stress from dealing with others is a big trigger for me. It’s rough for me to be around anyone not having a good time of it. One of the things you talked about yesterday has really stuck with me. Your insights into people pleasing — so right on. You know on all of those questionaires I have always checked that what others think doesn’t bother me at all. What a load of crap! I wished that was so but really I am a big people pleaser all the way to taking on the problems of others as if I caused them and am responsible if they are not fixed for them. I am a caring person but I have to be cognizant enough to not take it on personally.     
Thanks Bettie and keep on keeping on!   
Pumkin

[p]

Hi Miss B
How are you doing today.. thought i would pop online early to see if i could catch any of you friends from over the seas but alas, no one is around, shall try later, hope to see you soon
 P – Living and Learning

[jean]

Hi Bettie thinking about you.Take care xxlifes to short

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks so much for the support-you really don’t know how much it means to me. I get so much from you all. Everyone should post when ever possible. You may think u have nothing to say but what you say may mean a lot to someone and help them through their day.
Had a good day all in all. Went to my GA meeting and we had a speaker. His name is Micheal J Burke. He is a cg who lost his law practice due to embezzling. He is a speaker now and has a book and web site. His site is http://www.neverenoughthebook.com
He made some very good points. People often talk about their monetary losses but the reality is broke is broke. I have seen so many people say "I would never do xxxxxx". Well never say never. He talks of cross addictions. We are addicts-period. We are vulnerable to addictive things, drugs, alcohol, sex, food, u name it. Awareness is so important. He is also an alcoholic, and was told never to gamble, advice he wished he had taken. A very good speaker indeed!
I talked to my ex gambling buddy tonight. I thanked her for still being my friend. She told me that worked both ways-as I added so much to her life and was always a good sounding board when she needed someone. That made me feel good.
I was told by a customer today I looked elegant~well thats a new one! I should wear slacks more often.
Had a quick chat with the sponsor. She said we need to get working or move on. She said the words I couldn’t say because I feel the same way. She insists I call her at least every other day. I took her schedule-as I don’t know what is a good time to call ( and she has brushed me off when she was busy-I told her that ) so we will see.
Need to hit the hay-I’m pooped!
peace
bettie

[kathryn]

Hi Bettie,
Wow, you have been busy!!!
Your first paragraph slapped me in the face, i realise that i feel that way, that i dont have a lot to say, although usually when i start a post i tend to go on and on and on! So i vow to post more often from now on.
I went for a hot rock massage today, dont know if you have heard of it but it is DIVINE!!!  My skin feels as soft as a baby’s bum!  It was hard to relax though, really relax, but i did my best.  Mind you, the minute i got home, relaxation out the window.
Im off to a 21st tonight, couldnt think of anything worse really, but im hoping the food is good!!!!
Hope you have a restful sleep my friend,
Love Kathryn xxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[p]

Hi Bettie
You are right about when people post it does help, you and many others have helped me tremendously.. this morning i am going on and on, sometimes i think why the hell do i go on so much and why talk about that etc but thats just what comes out and maybe its meant to to help someone else.. glad you had a chat to your sponsor, wow sounds like you are doing a lot.. isnt that nice you got that compliment too.. take it on girl you deserve it.. have you ever looked at how far you have come, i remember talking to you early on, you have gone leaps and bounds.. bounding up the recovery highway.. yeeehoooo.. I dont know Bettie, i sense change in you lately.. your posts, your words, the way you work through things, think you just keep on growing and it does help others too.. see you soon chickadee
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Well, i feel so special! Thanks everyone!
Oh I wish I felt better! Wrist is coming along ok but not feeling great. Need to have a few little things checked out so need to make a Dr appt. Let my daughter take my car and i feel like a trapped rat!
Work was just a joy today-NOT!
Went over the expectations-what a laugh! Well, we will see what happens. I am trying to hold on to my sanity but it will take all my might to do it. My co banker has Mondays off so now I am the only one expected to do call nights. He is also now scheduled about 37 hours and getting paid for 40-must be nice! SO SO HARD not to be upset and have a negative attitude. Hard not to dwell on the unequal treatment. I am trying-I really am.
Wish I had some of that birthday cake right now! Oh, the baby great niece turns 1 and her party is tomorrow. I can’t believe it!
Tried to go on the chat but IT’S CLOSED??
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, does anyone know why the chat is closed??Seize all the good things in life

[lizbeth4]

Bettie, I was laughing all day about chat this morning.  I couldn’t type, wasn’t fully awake.  Kept trying to spell good, and it came out goo, goo.  And you said, ga,ga.  That was halirous!!  Needed a laugh!!!  Thanks!!  Hope you had a goo goo day!!!Seize all the good things in life

[kathryn]

LOL Bettie,
Im still laughing too….i forgot about the goo goo…what a hoot, you are one funny funny woman!!!
Love ya, Kathryn xxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[pumkin113b]

Hi Bettie — Thanks so much for your post! You are a wise women and hopefully I will learn much from you 🙂 sooner rather than later……..    Pumkin

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Didn’t make work today. Nauseas , dizzy, slept in my chair until 1pm! Feeling better now just dragged down!
Did my income taxes today. Well as long as they don’t disqualify my deductions I’ll be OK. Just will have to worry about that for the next 7 years-lol! Oh well I did my best. God, grant me the serenty……
I did email Harry after the chat went down on Saturday and it came back just in time for me to catch Kathryn, then Lizbeth then Laura! Thanks Harry!! You are the best!
Well i wish I had some junk in the house to eat but I don’t. Oh I did go to the baby’s party yesterday, So Sweet that baby! Lots of little ones there too! I’m rarely around babies so that was a treat.
Mekila and Suzi, nice to meet you on the chat tonight!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, hope you are feeling better. Did you make that doctor’s appointment?  I’m doing our taxes when I get back from my Mom’s.  Hopefully, we will break even this year, my income was cut in half, since retiring.  Keeping fingers crossed!! You take care of yourself. Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
just trying to get moving! I have to get to work.
I think back to my first communion- my Mom came, we took the bus. Dad had to work. My Mom isn’t even Catholic. I was the only one with out a big group. Band concerts, 8th grade graduation, school plays, my brother who passed was there, maybe my Mom, no one else. Everything I ever tried to do was a hassle, an inconvenience to my family. I dropped out of high school, got pregnant at 17, maybe I wanted the attention.
Still pealing the onion-I should have been a CG much sooner than i was!
peace
bettie– 5/26/2011 3:31:14 AM: post edited by bettie.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… We are as sick as our secrets …

Good morning Bettie,
You are doing good with your work in GA and following its guidelines. A part that I take and use from their principles is the words "of our understanding" and " to practice to the best of our ability" these principles. (the best of our arability does need to go past our comfort zones or tiredness). In using "my" understanding extending it to Step 9 "… except when to do so would injure them or others", I can see your point in not wanting to hurt your mother or brother; as long as you are doing it to protect them and not from fear.  You are being quite open with your sister, your group, us here, and even your GF; you are not living a secret, at least not a sick one.
Post about your pinning here, and we will share in your success. You might even remind your sponsor that she too is invited and that you hope to see her there.
Also, I will again say that I find your replies to other most enlightening and thoughtful. I am glad that you are not keeping you learned knowledge a secret from others that need it.
God’s speed. Stay strong.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, boy I could relate to your last post.  I would never tell my Mom about being a CG, although I feel she is a CG.  She would be soo judgemental about it or try to get me to say I don’t really have a problem-denial!!! So I have shared my secret with my Husband, Daughters, and Sister.  I haven’t told my friends, they don’t gamble, I’m afraid they wouldn’t relate.  I’m sorry that you felt like a inconvience to your family when you were growing up.  I’m still peeling the onion also.  I think it’s healthy place to be. Have a good day Bettie!1Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh Wednesday-why can’t it be Thursday? Got an email at work that we have yet another call night scheduled for tonight. They act like we don’t have any life outside of this stupid bank. I have been stressed about it since I saw the email yesterday, In reality I have panic attacks when it comes to calling people! I know that sounds stupid but it I despise making those calls. Well i am getting myself worked up and my mood is going to have to calm down so I can get through the day. All I want to do is climb back into bed and pull the covers over my head.
Thanks Lizbeth~recovery is hard work. So many emotions!
Larry, I always feel like a student getting praise from the wise professor when you post! Thank you for your encouragement and support, it means a lot to me. I do have to question if it is fear or concern that keeps me from telling my "secret". I always fear others opinion of me. My sponsor said my brother would be proud of me but somehow I don’t think I want to risk hurting him so I can have a pat on the back for a job well done. I am embarrassed about being a compulsive gambler. I am ashamed of what I have done, even though I believe I am the primary victim of my actions. The worse thing I think I did to anyone with my gambling was gambling instead of visiting them. I have thought long and hard about that. A lot of my gambling activity was prompted by having nothing else to do, a feeling of exclusion. I don’t blame others for my gambling but I did (do) feel abandoned by them. More onion pealing I guess.
Well, need to get moving, face my fear, and get on with it.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I had kind of an awakening today. I hate my job, I mean I really hate it! And why do I keep punishing myself by not even trying to get something else? I know it’s a hard job market and all but there has to be an employer who wants someone reliable and responsible. I hate sales! I’ve decided to get this medical stuff attended to, I have 3 doctor appointments made for next week. I have ordered 3 months of my medicine. First things first. It’s fear that holds me back, plain and simple. I have been discouraged by the last few interviews I did about 10 years ago. So leaving the past in the past I will move forward, one baby step at a time!
Gosh, that is so empowering! After a day of stress and upset ( have you got an account yet? I heard this about 10 times, well it seemed like 10 times! ) I feel free! I feared not going to the casino, isn’t that funny? I thought all the good times were gone.
Maybe they are just starting?
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I could have told you that you hate your job!! Not to make light of the recession we are in, employment wise, you were looking for a job when you found the bank one. I sincerely hope that you can find a healthier environment to work in because long-term stress has the potential to make us really sick. It was nice to visit with you on chat, and that was a new experience being in on that meeting tonight. it’s a good thing you or I don’t run that meeting room as we could never keep order in there. LOL!

[vera]

Youre one fastmovin woman B!
Been browsing the baby photos!
SOOO cute and cuddly! I hope life is good to that beautiful little girl!
Your niece is just how I visualise you to be B!
A stunning woman!
 

[pumkin113b]

Love it bettie — maybe the good times are just starting — what a powerful and happy thought!    Pumkin

[p]

Hi Bettie
There are better things out there for you and you are starting to see that.. the fact you are starting to see that says a great deal about how far you have come these days.. thanks for being a friend and an inspiration Bettie.. look forward to our chat soon
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well another work day. I need to get moving and stop reading, lol! I’ve got a bit of a headache and need to go do my hair.
Vera i wish I was as cute as that baby! She really is so sweet!
Pumpkin, miss p, carole, keep chatting! Hope to catch u all on the weekend!
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
Hope you are having a good day today and that headache cleared up quickly.. i now picture you in a sunny yellow kitchen every time you post haha.. hope to see you soon
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Where is the weekend chat??
Off to bed!
peace
bettie– 5/26/2011 5:59:51 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Just lost my long post, man I hate that!
So it has been a busy weekend. Saw my gf yesterday. Got my nails done went shopping and bought new stuff  for a change! We sat on her porch for hours and talked about some of our past wild adventures. I haven’t laughed that hard in AGES!
Got a call from my GF who is in AA, we haven’t talked in a year! She said she is so proud of my GA membership. She has been having a tough time lately ( still clean-4 years!) and felt renewed after our talk. Said she was going to a meeting very soon.
Up early today for breakfast with my brother. He took a look at my car and replaced my front breaks and rotors. I took him to lunch. Came home cleaned and did wash. I painted my mirror and picture frames today too-y buy new when all they needed was a little paint.
 So beautiful today! Expecting storms tonight-yuck!
SO TIRED!
Hope the storm isn’t too bad.
peace
bettie– 4/11/2011 2:25:57 AM: post edited by bettie.

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, sounds like you are doing well. Just wanted to say hello.  Had a good time at my Mom’s.  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[howanan]

Hi Bettie,  I am glad to read you are doing so well.  I know how it is to hate your job.  I hated my job at the bank.   The girls there were so much younger than me and very critical.  Even the manager.  When I finally had enough, I called my husband (I was in the bank parking lot) and asked him what he thought about me quitting.  He said for me to do whatever I thought was best and not to worry.  Now I have never quit a job before I had another one.  But I did it this time.  I quit on a Tuesday.  On Wednesday morning I emailed a company that I had sent in a resume previously.  The manager called me and asked if I could come in for an interview.  Well, to make a long story short, I started working there the following Tuesday.  It would have been sooner, but they did a criminal investigation and urine test.  This job pays $2.50 and hour more with great benefits.  And best of all no selling products.  It is 6 miles from my house and I just love it.  So Bettie, don’t be afraid to send out those resumes.
Nancy

[p]

Hi Bettie
Sounds nice, so glad you got your nails done and caught up with your friend, isn’t it amazing how we all help each other, even talking to that friend of yours in AA has strengthened her in her program through yours.. we never know how our words help each other… hope you have a nice sleep Bettie and that you have a good day today
 P – Living and Learning

[jean]

Hi Bettie its great that you are having a good laugh with your friend. Take care xxxlifes to short

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Well so many kind words from you all! I do need the motivation!
Went to the dentist-look ma no cavities!!
I have an eye Dr and girlie Dr appointments on Thursday-such fun!
I hate that customers just expect me to be moving into the assistants position when she leaves. Little do they know that there is no room for age and wisdom in modern banking! SALES SALES SALES!!! Yuck!
Nancy I will be the elder statesman as long as I stay. I’m 48 now-my co banker is 37 and manager is 32! I feel SO OLD!
Well I should be cleaning up but feel like a slug. My daughter went to the Dr today and asked me what I thought her weight was. I took a guess and hit the nail on the head! She was not pleased at all! Maybe she will join me in some workouts. That would be nice.
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, glad to hear your going to the Dr’s. on Thursday, you need to find out whats going on, so you can feel better.  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
checkin in with you this morning, I haven’t been around for a few days.  Look at all you have accomplished in you last couple of posts.  You may have been tired but you had good reason.  And, spending a little money on yourself in a wise way.  Getting the nails done might not be quite the "high" of gambling, but man it feels a lot better the morning after!  Work day for me today.  The accountant is home and has been driving me crazy, but to be  fair I need to not not let it get to me like I do.  Have a great day B, and 48 is still a spring chicken!
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, yes I reached the 5 month point. 158 days gamble free.  It seems like yesterday when I met you here.  Thanks for the support!!!  Have a great day!!1Seize all the good things in life

[female g]

good to hear your doing better and learning to find other ways to spend time. Its good to see you wanting to take care of yourself and others too like the friend from AA and your daughter. I haven’t posted to much lately but sure am happy to see how well everyone is doing.G

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, it was awesome to see you on chat.  You always make me laugh. Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Well i am pooped out today. I went to the eye Dr and all is well. Had to reschedule the other appt. Can’t get in for another 3 weeks but it is scheduled.
Good chats today and very thought provoking. Harry nice to chat with you again.
Not much else going on. I think I will attend the GA conference on Saturday. That should be interesting.
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[p]

Hi Bettie
I must have missed you on chat.. damn it.. hope you have fun at that conference.  Good thing you are getting all your medical things out of the way too, good you can do that now you are not gambling hey.. hope to see you soon for a chat
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hey Guys~
Home from my meeting. I was doing fine until my turn. I cried like a baby! I guess the reality of my friends retirement is starting to become a reality. She has 8 days to go. It doesn’t help that yet another customer quizzed me as who would be taking her place. I want to say they don’t want me. I want to say they don’t respect me. I want to say a lot of things but it dawned on me. I’m the reason I wasn’t offered the job. I don’t want to do it "their way". I told my boss that I would not be interested. And I know I said that to let him off the hook and appease my hurt feelings because I know he doesn’t want me as his assistance. My stradgy didn’t work. My feelings are still hurt. Just like all the times I assumed I would be made fun of so I got in the first dig. This is some sick behavior.
I was working my step work last night and came upon a worksheet question that asked me to list 14 reasons I should stay in the fellowship. Boy those answers came fast. The one that sticks in my head is the God has a plan for me. I haven’t been living a "happy" life, I’ve been doing it my way, and my way stinks! There has to be something else in store for me, there just has to be!
On my way home I was listening to "The Dixie Chicks". Mind you I have had this CD for years. The song "I believe in Love" came on. I think I really heard the words of that song for the first time, and they really hit home.
I Believe In Love lyrics
Songwriters: Stuart, Marty; Seidel, Martie; Maines, Natalie;

I made a promise to myself
Locked it way deep down inside
Told my heart we’d wait it out
Swore we never compromise

Oh, I’d rather be alone
Like I am tonight
And settle for the kind of love
That fades before the morning light

Silence stared me in the face
And I finally heard its voice
It seemed to softly say
That in love you have a choice

Today I got the answer
And there’s a world of truth behind it
Love is out there waiting somewhere
You just have to go and find it

I believe in love, I believe in love
Love that’s real, love that’s strong
Love that lives on and on
Yes, I believe in love

I believe in love, I believe in love
Love that’s real, love that’s strong
Love that lives on and on
Yes, I believe in love, yes, I believe in love
Now I just have to believe that I deserve to be loved, because if I don’t then who will?
peace
bettie

 
 It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, God does have a great plan for all of us, I do believe this.  You are worthy of love and you deserve it!!! Stop being soo hard on yourself, we women always seem to do that.  I see your good qualities, and you have many of them.  You just need to see it also.  I don’t know what to say about your job.  I always said I took a early retirement to help with my Grandson, but there is more to the story.  After working over 25 years for the same company, I knew I would never go into supervision (although that was the way to earn more money).  The things they had to do to keep their jobs and advance.  Being mean and rude to other employees, and lying.  I never knew people could be soo ruthless.  I finally had enough one day, and when the company offered early outs (to save money), I jumped on it.  Honestly, It was the best thing for me.  I wished you could find another position in another company. You don’t need all that stress and ungratefulness.  Hope you have something fun planned this weekend.  Have a good one!! Seize all the good things in life

[p]

Hi Bettie
Wish i could give you a big hug and have a cuppa with you.. so i am sending you one now and i want you to catch it.. look at all the work you have been doing on yourself and how far you have come.. dont let those people at your job bring you down Bettie and know that you deserve and are capable of whatever they are too.. You look inside yourself Bettie and that is a hard thing to do sometimes, some people never have to.. but you are doing it and growing every day.. I love the dixie chicks.. now you got me singing their songs round the house.. i am up in the wee hours this morning drinking cuppas.. heeh, no one on chat so thought i would post.  Anyway hope to see you round soon, its been a while
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

— 5/26/2011 6:06:00 AM: post edited by bettie.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, what’s up with the GA group, why couldn’t everyone hang out together at the conference? Uncalled for behavior.  Bettie, we are not here to judge what another does in their life, and you don’t have to share everything here, I’m sure 90% of the people here don’t devulge all their secrets.  Obviously, it is bothering you. We all have to deal with our demons, and find a way to live with them.  The "fwb" has no right to laugh at you for getting help, who is he to judge.  I haven’t told everyone in my life about my gambling addiction, for fear of being judged.  Why do people have to be soo rude and mean?  Life is too short for that crap.  I hope you feel better!!!Seize all the good things in life

[gunner27]

Hi Bettie
Sorry you’ve had some crap occurring, I think you are perfectly entitled to feel sorry for yourself, it never ceases to surprise me that the people who we think are going to be the most empathetic and caring dont always turn out way, be it loved ones or fellow group members.
Interesting about the rest rooms, I suppose in the casino these were the one area where there was no gambling, like the eye of the storm, where one went to regroup, plan the next move or to deal with that sick feeling of losing, whilst still having that buzz feeling from being so near the gambling. I recall all these thoughts and am amazed at the power over me that those places had, particularly the power to continuously make you forget that you were paying for their wages, their rent and their next casino. A**holes!!
Anyway sending you positive vibes Bettie and hoping that you have a better few days soon. Jim x

[bettie]

I have come to believe that there is something about me that makes me isolate myself. I don’t know what that is or I would try to fix it. I think in general people like me but somehow perceive that I would rather be alone. Maybe that is from being alone for so many years, I don’t have the answer. I do not want to appear clingy and pursue trying to be included. I guess there is a fine line that I end up  on the wrong side of.
I am not having an urge in any way shape or form but I would really like to go to the casino today. Today would have been one of those perfect days. Sun shinning, nothing else planned for the day and I could be alone but have something to do. Drink a couple beers, have a little thrill. Reminding myself that those days are long gone, that they will never be that way again hurts.
Someone at the conference said they entered a raffle, no wager at all, but he had to reset his "clean" date because he gambled. Is recovery that fragile? Are the rules that strict? Thats a standard that I wasn’t prepared for. I am so filled with doubt today. Does anyone really recover? Is it all just random? Is it really just that random that you can do all this work and be right back to day 1 in a nanosecond?

[cully21]

Hi Bettie:
I am lifting up thoughts and prayers to you my freind. I have been reading your posts. You are here for a reason.
As far as the guy who bought the raffle I guess everyone is entitled to how they identify and define things. But I have to say, and I can do it too, there is a difference between anaylyziing and analizing. And I stress the "anal" in the latter.
I dont know. Maybe I am wrong, but I try to keep an open mind.
I pray God sends you a kiss from Heaven soon.
Cully"I used to follow. Yeah thats true. But my following days are over. Now I just got to follow through." Lou Graham from the song "Midnight Blue"

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, I am sending you alot of (((hugs)))) your way!!!!!! Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the posts. My point about the raffle ticket was that it was a giveaway from the restaurant-the guy made no wager-and thats the part that really bothers me.
So typical of me to nit pick things but thats part of me too.
I went out with my GF this afternoon. She got a call and an invite to the casino while i was there. It was funny when she told me, she called it "the place we used to go", lol! Now thats respect for me and my recovery. She sees the changes in me, even if no one else does, even when I don’t, or can’t.
It’s a strange moodiness that I have had the last few days. I so don’t want to go to work tomorrow.
I was listening to the "I believe in Love" song in my car on the way home tonight. When the lyric "love is out there waiting somewhere, all you have to do is go and find it", the tears were just rolling down my face. I had to find a napkin, as my neck and chest were getting soaked.
I do believe in love but it has always been elusive to me. All the simple things in life that people take for granted, just someone to hold them, someone to share a meal or a movie,someone to walk with who holds your hand, just simple little things. You are rich beyond your wildest dreams. These are things you will never find in a casino. I know this as fact. I looked.
peace
bettie
 — 4/18/2011 3:05:11 AM: post edited by bettie.

[pumkin113b]

Hi Bettie — Your posts made me cry today. What a lovely sensitive sweet lady you are. I can relate to so much of what you have been saying about feeling disconnected. My husband is right next to me and love is still elusive! I am trying hard to be in the here and now but I have so many practised years of shutting myself off it is not easy. What I know is I cant be content with hiding anymore. There is pain in this world but there is pleasure and love also. I guess you cant have one without the other. This morning I waved to a friend and they did not respond back. My first thought was they hate me. This is of course ridiculous. Its always been nice chatting to you and reading your posts — there is nothing there not to like bettie! Believe in yourself — stay strong 🙂   Pumkin

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie, I just wanted to thank you for your time you spent talking with me and your encouragement tonight. It meant a lot to me. Today was the most desperate day I have had since I quit gambling. Even when I was gambling the 7 or 8 years I did, I have never had that sort of desperation to gamble. It was a scary place to be. Totally out of control emotionally!! Thank you again Bettie! You are so sweet!

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie, It has taken me almost 4 months to start realizing what gambling has really taken from me, the least of it being vast sums of money. I had the head knowledge yesterday but not the heart knowledge, which is completely different. I was angry yesterday that compulsive gambling has robbed me of the coping skills I used to have. I raised 2 children alone with no financial support from their father, took five years of post-secondary schooling while working parttime and raising these kids. I’m angry that I’ve become a procrastinator when I used to be an enthusiastic motivator of others in getting them on board for projects, events, etc. I have also realized yesterday that recovery is not something that can be played with, as gambling addiction is a dangerous place to be, when a person isn’t in recovery. I have played with it, having deliberate slips, thinking I’ll just start again the following day. In spite of the desperation to gamble yesterday and the emotional pain I experienced, I see that I have made a breakthrough in my recovery. I need to not forget what I learned yesterday. I learn a lot from your recovery journey Bettie. Thank you dear friend and huge congratulations of eight months of sanity for you. You’re awesome Bettie!! Carole

[p]

Hi Bettie
Sending big hugs your way.. over the waters.. they are still hugs through cyberspace.. hope you are having a good day today and hope to see you again in chat soon, miss seeing you there
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for posting. I have been a bit busy and have been lax about posting. Maybe I can move beyond the "pity party" and just get on with it.
Carole, I am so proud of you and your break through!
I am drinking my coffee and feeling the love from this site, I need it today.
I had a talk with my brother. He has been through h*ll with his divorce (14? years ago) There are no words to describe how his ex manipulated him. His daughter is 18 now and her mother has been feeding her a load of cr*p about going away to school. She discusses nothing with my brother. Long story short she has this kid set up to go to a school way out of financial reach and tells my brother 1. She hasn’t paid the kids tuition and owes $3000 that had to be paid or she would not be allowed to graduate from high school. 2. That after all financial aid that my niece needs $14 thousand a year for school, and that my brother needs to take a 2nd mortgage on his house. He told her she got his retirement money and she wasn’t getting his house. He did pay her the three grand because she had him over a barrel. My poor brother is so upset! She is making him out to be a bad guy with his daughter and he is sick over it. I told him he needed to have a sit down with my niece and just tell her what is going on. He doesn’t deserve this! What is the personality quirk in my family that lets people walk all over us? I am totally stressed about this and need to let it go. All i can do is be there for my brother, this situation I can not control. They say we can control how we feel or react. I feel awful and I sure can’t control that!
I did go to a session at that GA conference on relapse prevention. I found that speaker to be very good. She had over a year of no gambling however she did not work on recovery. She said it started with skipping meetings. Then she played card games with penny stakes because it was "just pennies". She would have her husband buy lottery tickets when the jackpots got big – after all "he" was gambling  "she" wasn’t. Before she knew it she was back to "go", sucked right back in to where she started, just like she never stopped. The misconception that she could now handle it "once in a while" nearly destroyed her.
Well off to the shower and another day of work. I have to remember I am fortunate to have a job, even one I hate so much.
peace
bettie

[p]

Hey Bettie
I hope work improves for you, you are a very kind person Bettie, it shines through in all of your posts… so giving and always helpful to others… have a good day and i hope to see you again soon
 P – Living and Learning

[gunner27]

Hey Bettie
Just passing by and wanted to wish you a Happy Easter. The pity party doesnt sound like much fun but it is noticeable that people on here seem to have had more than their fair share of crap to deal with. Wouldnt it be nice to have a job that we enjoyed doing?! Maybe one day.. anyway I hope you get a chance to have a break and some relaxation. Cheers Jim

[finding_laura]

Hi Bettie,
sorry I missed you this morning.  I was up really early and had gone to bed really early last night.  I used to have a schedule, now it just seems like I’m all over the place. I struggled hard with those same questions about GA.  I nearly made myself sick thinking that I had broken the GA rules.  I decided that I had had great sucess with GA and the support of the group and meetings.  And i needed the strength that you get from knowing that the group is always there.  And they have been where your were.  18 months ago I was pouring money into the slots like I had a mature money tree in the back yard.  It is something that can be debated I’m sure.  All I can say is I roll up my rim.  I haven’t developed a coffee cup buying problem and I still drink my one timmies a day.   Fellow Canucks will understand the last couple sentences lol. But if it looks like it could lead me back to gambling hell I’d bring my own cup to the drive through.
I’m a little insecure myself B and who am I to say.  When FWB laughs is it at you?  I would hate to think how someone like that would make you feel if you were together full time.  Is that who you would be willing to settle for? 
I love ya B and you can see that you touch those who know you here.  I’m sure things will work out.  No one who gets to know the real you would move away from your friendship. Not if they use a big heart as a requirement. 
Keep working through the darkness.  The light will shine.
((( Bettie )))
Laura

[p]

Hi Bettie
I hope you are having a nice easter!! enjoy your days off.  You have done such a wonderful job Bettie, i know you dont feel it sometimes but we can all see it here as i know others you will know will see it in you too, i remember you said your friend notices a difference in you, well so do i.. i remember you at the beginning Bettie, you have worked so hard on yourself and its been great being able to be with you on this journey.. just sending you big squishes and happy thoughts today
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hey My Easter Bunnies!
Nice to come home to such nice notes! I am just home from GA and I am wiped out! I mentioned the a for mentioned raffle/giveaway at Ga during my therapy. My sponsor went right for the yellow book so I closed my therapy having said I have a copy of that at home and am not open to comment. The room was in a uproar, laughing, as they know my sponsor is hard core. I heard shouts of "good move!" "Not fair-you should be open" all good natured. Since I was the chair I passed the can and started the closing prayer. I will no doubt talk to her about it, and is will be a good dissussion, as it should be. I would have talked there and then but it was late and I was more than ready to leave.
More "good" news-not! my oldest brothers wife left him! Why are both of my brothers in crisis mode in the same week?
When it rains it pours!
Will post more tomorrow!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, hope you have a Happy Easter!!!Seize all the good things in life

[trixie]

 Hi Bettie !!
   Just got in from Memphis ,TN. Had a time resisting going to the casinos in Mississippi but I survived it. just wanted to say hello and wish a terrific lady a HAPPY EASTER!!! and I hope the Easter Bunny brings you sunshine and happiness. You deserve it.
Take care,
Trixie

[bettie]

Happy Easter!
So, I was up at 5am and didn’t try to go back to sleep. I want to try to stop taking the xanax to sleep so I can get up earlier so maybe I can get back on my work out schedule. I can not believe how much weight I have been putting on. I took my scale out of the kitchen because so many have advised me to so I thought I would try. Now I am afraid to get on it-clothes are getting beyond snug to unwearable! I’ve stopped checking my blood sugar in the am too. When I get in the denial stage of anything in my life it is dangerous! I will be off to my sisters house-all diabetics out of control over there-and will eat all kinds of junk I don’t keep in the house. No moderation when I get like this, scary!
Laura I think the "laugh" about the GA conference is my "fwb’s" denial that I have a problem, see I haven’t gambled so now I am "cured" and don’t really need that kind of thing-you know- I’m not "one of those people", lol! Well i know better-guess thats all that matters! I know part of my questioning the program is to find fault. See, built in excuses because if I was told that because I am entered in a "raffle" I have no clean time at all I could easily stop going to GA, feel bad, then gamble! I am entered in a giveaway for a national game show, I enrolled in their program YEARS ago so if that is the standard I’m still actively gambling!I am just looking for a justifiable excuse in my CG brain to give myself an out. My I should have been a psychiatrist! There is a church that is giving away stuff for attending church! If I went there would I be gambling?? I could nit pick this question for ever so I need to let it go and move on.
Well I should be doing something productive instead of sitting here but I will check the chat.
have a lovely day!
peace
bettie

[kathryn]

Hello Bettie,
Hope your easter was a good one.  We could question things till the cows come home and still not have a clear answer, they are not always black and white.  I always say, go with your gut instinct, its usually the right one!!
Now, being the nurse i am i am concerned that you are not looking after your diabetes like you should.  I think diabetes is percieved to be an illness that isnt very serious.  Well, the things ive seen at work tell me otherwise.  Im sure you have heard it all before, just like i get the lecture every other day for my smoking.  Can i just stress though, please please take your sugar levels, it only takes a second, and thats all im going to say…lol.
Well, i should be going, more posting to do, then i need to get my house in order, although with my new little kitten i dont seem to be getting much done around here!!!!!
Love ya, Kathryn xxxxxxxxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[p]

Hi Bettie
Oh i keep missing you.. i look for you on the sites and my times might be slightly hard to catch you these days, miss seeing you round
 P – Living and Learning

[pumkin113b]

Hi Bettie — Thank you for your post and your wise advice "Beware the drama thats going on with the family."   I am treading cautiously as I want to help my brother out however I can but not to the detriment of my recovery. I think I have a good grasp on it right now — I know I just need to find out what I can and am able to do to help and the rest will be what it is. Thanks again for you wise words as I appreciate your concern and advice.  Best,  Pumkin

[p]

Hi Bettie
Just wanted to say hi and i miss seeing you around, hope to catch you again soon and that you are having a good day today..
 P – Living and Learning

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I keep missing you on chat which sucks for me. It does sound like you’ve had more than your fair share of chit lately. I was reading your posts about when you went to the GA conference. Might I suggest that you give off the air of confidence,independence, and self-sufficiency, and that’s why people feel they can go join other people. They simply don’t think that you need help mingling with other people, and can make your way on your own. I suggest that because, that’s how I come across often, without meaning to.  Perceived rejection is a trigger for me, whether it’s real or not. I tend to overreact emotionally.  Hope Bettie that you’re having a good day. Your friend always, carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Nice Carole! I would have never put that spin on things. So good to have friends like you to do it. I have been told before I come off mean, which always cracks me up! I am such a marshmallow!
Well 2 days left with my friend at work. I made sure we will have a nice little send off on Friday and there is a plan to go to lunch on Saturday. I bought her a gift card for the movies and picked out things for a gift basket for her. Robe, gown,slippers, bath bubbles, candle’s, bath pillow, back scrubber, lotion . I think she will like it. All about relaxing. She has worked hard, divorced mom of 3. I am already feeling the void. She was off today and I am missing her already.
Need to work even harder on recovery. These are one of the "be aware" situations that can send you back to gambling. Self pity, happiness for others, a tinge of jealousy, stress. Anything can be a trigger. No room for complacency in recovery, odaat.
If any of my Safe Harbor friends find my thread you will know more about me than you ever wanted to know! LOL!
But this is the reason I don’t post there, I am too busy here. Use all the tools you can get your hands on! I understand the GA UK has on line GA meetings. Haven’t done one yet but I am willing to try almost anything to stay clean. The funny part is expecting your life to become wonderful. Sorry to say I still have the same problems but I deal with them in a healthier way ( i think!). Lots of work to be done in that department! 48 years of living has put more that a few skeletons in my closet! lol!
need to sleep, meant to earlier but I got busy watching a DVD i rented.
peace
bettie

[finding_laura]

Good morning miss Bettie
seems i have been missing you lately too.  Wish i could be wise and inspirational but I haven’t finished my first coffee yet lol.  I have lots of half formed or maybe half baked thoughts swirling round in my head about friendships, triggers, complacency.  I think lonliness is a big one, self pity for sure, and oh the tinge of jealousy, another good one.  The great thing is you continue to explore these things as part of our recovery and I believe that awareness is a big part of living life gamble free.  Thanks for sharing your journey and your awareness as always.  Miss ya lots.
xo Laura

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, thanks for your supportive post.  I feel better knowing that I have friends here that care.  I need to let it go, and move on.  I won’t forget what she said (my Sister), but I need to forgive her, so I can heal.  It’s been real hard for me to try to have a relationship with her and I have worked on it for a long time.  She has some real hard core issues that she needs to resolve, and not take her stress and insecurities out on others.  I will run into her since my Daughter and Grandson share a home with her, and I will be cordial, but I don’t want a relationship with her.  It can’t be a one-sided relationship anymore.  She isn’t perfect and making rude comments and fun of others is soo wrong.  I have taken alot to keep the peace, but no more.  Have a good gf day, Bettie!!! Maybe a little kick in the asX wouldn’t hurt either!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[jean]

Morning bettie just popped in too say hello hope you are well Take care and have a great gf weekend. Xxlifes to short

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I was up in time to watch the wedding. Not by choice. Woke up in awful pain. I was fortunate to fall back to sleep for a couple of hours but now have to rush and get to work. I would call off (again) except that it is my asst. managers last Friday and I have put together the surprise luncheon and have to be there. Well next Thursday I see my doctor and hope to find the solution to this problem. I just have to muddle through today.
Big test coming with a distribution from my retirement plan arriving in the next few weeks. The plan was to reinvest every penny. That won’t happen but I am working on a plan so that the cash is not readily available. I have worried that it will be a real test of my recovery, having money. It was one of the factors that brought me to GT in the first place. I was not totally successful last year-I gambled some of it-but the majority was spent wisely. I make my pledge here and now that  this money will NOT go to a casino! There, I said it. I will not type what I don’t intend to stick to.
Enjoy the wedding day everyone. Just saw the kiss and everyone looks beautiful from my front row seat-in front of my "telly".
peace
bettie

[pumkin113b]

Hi Bettie — Hope you’re feeling better today. Love your pledge! You worked hard for that money and you deserve to have only good and enjoyable things for yourself come out of it.    Pumkin

[p]

Hi Bettie
So glad you are planning that savings plan, good for you Bettie, you have come so far, you are on the right road now to restoring your life.. those savings will add up just like those days have.. i watched the wedding too.. i was glued to the tv they looked so nice and it was nice to watch some good news on the tv for a change.. hope you get through this work day Bettie and you get some relief with your shoulder
 P – Living and Learning

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, I hope you are feeling better and had a good day at work. Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

hI gUYS!
Oh my, an interesting few days.
My GA meeting was a bit heated but interesting to say the least. I was told I handled it well, I was the chair, but I am glad that my month is up. It’s always easier to sit back and say I would do this or that but much harder when you are the one having to do it. I called one of the members that I thought was given a bit of a hard time and it looks like I am the over sensitive one, she was just fine. Am I am glad because she is such a sweet and kind person.
Well seems like the worst of this cycle is over and I am relatively pain free. I see doctor Thursday so will see what happens there.
The asst managers last day was yesterday. I am going over to do her hair in a little bit. Tomorrow should be interesting with me being the only banker on Mondays now that my co banker was given Mondays off and my manager reads the news paper all day. I plan to tell the tellers that all customer calls are to be directed to him, not me and when the lobby has folks waiting go find him. This will be interesting.
Gotta run. Hope to catch some chat later.
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!  I’m glad you are going to see the Dr. on Thusday, you need to find out what’s going on.  Take care!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hey Guys,
Boy am I wiped out! My stupid boss had been giving my co worker off on Mondays and now that the Assistant has retired I was the only banker today. I ran all day long. My boss even had to finally put his new paper down and take a few customers! Well I did get the last laugh as he said in a passing remark that next Monday my co worker will be back!
If only someone would listen to me once in a while!
1. I am always right.
2. If I am wrong, refer to statement #1.
So do we ever stop thinking about gambling? I know I am going through a fight/flight reaction to my friends retirement. I have tried my best to live up to something I read called "Just for today". I was feeling very slighted when I started work. I laid down my ground rules, when I was busy to find the manager and transfer calls to him and let him know people were waiting. That worked OK. I did my work to the best of my ability. I did not complain. I tried not to let my mind wander to gambling, and when I caught myself doing it i flipped the script. All part of growing and learning I guess. I am not getting the results (sales dollars) that I want but I am doing all that has been asked of me.
I feel satisfied about that.
Need to get some sleep!
peace
bettie
 

[p]

Hi Bettie
You always make me laugh hehe.. I love your Two points you make there, gave me such a giggle.. you are doing really well Bettie, and facing all these things that are thrown your way without gambling
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I swiped this from Charles in the overcoming problems section. it originates from ga and I think iy is very good advice!
Just for Today

 
 
 
 
 
Just for today I will try to live through this day only and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that: "most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."
Just for today I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take each day as it comes and fit myself to it.
Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count; I will do at least two things I don’t want to do – just for exercise; I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt – they may be hurt but today I will not show it.
Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.
Just for today I will have a programme. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests – hurry and indecision.
Just for today I will have a quiet half-hour all by myself and relax. During this half-hour, sometime, I will try and get a better perspective of my life.
Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that, as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
Just for today I will not gamble.
No one could do all of those all of the time, recovery isn’t about being a saint its about trying to do better and addressing some of the traits that addiction can give us.  So, just pick one, maybe two, and do your best to follow the principle throughout a day.  It also helps to improve self esteem etc as we achieve something positive.
Hope this helps someone as much as it’s helped me
Thanks Charles!
peace
bettie

[female g]

Hey Bettie, good to read your posts and I wonder the same thing these gambling thoughts never will go away but we do get better and dealing with it all and I am so happy you are getting it together so well. It takes alot of effort but there is no lack of that in youG

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
So I went to the Dr today. She has 2 pills that she wants me to try before a surgical intervention. UGGGGG!!!!!
I will give it one try-if no results then I will be back!
Went to curves today and boy was it TOUGH! I am SO out of shape! The funny part is even though I haven’t been there since Nov 2009 the computer still had my info and it scores how you did on the machines. I was low on most but scored HIGHER on 3 of them! That was upper body and Ab stuff I did with the physical therapist so at least that was not a total waste and I did real well with the stretching-which I don’t like doing!
Lazy, lazy, lazy!
Well I am looking forward to fitting into last years wardrobe so I will work my program and and get back to taking care of me!
peace
bettie

[vera]

will write later B…Im in Twilight zone…between day and night duty…cheers!

[holdencaulfield]

hi bettie
im so glad to hear you are still doing well
hope to catch up with you soon
d

[finding_laura]

Morning B,
read quickly, have to get ready to go to the city paint shopping and then i will be the painting assistant.  No painting for me unfortunately.  Will catch up soon.  Love ya!
Laura

[bettie]

— 5/26/2011 6:02:53 AM: post edited by bettie.

[p]

Hi Bettie
Well, personally, i think you are a fantastic friend.. we maybe miles away across the seas but you are always there and always supportive to others and going so well with your gamble free time.. always here for you too Bettie
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh Miss P, I know I can always count on you! Thanks for the reminder-I do have quite a few friends here and I am grateful for you all.
So no movie tonight. I have been exausted all week and chalked it up to work however I believe I have come down with an UTI. Of course no doctor available on the weekend so if it gets worse tomorrow I will be headed to the emergency room. With diabetes you can’t be too carefully and this can spread to my kidneys, time will tell. I got some over the counter meeds for the pain and I have antibiotic I started taking which should do it but I will be cautious.
I’ll look at the chat again.
peace
bettie– 5/8/2011 2:00:30 AM: post edited by bettie.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I hope you are feeling better soon.  I can relate to your feeling of loneliness and social isolation.  I can be with others and feel soo lonely or that I don’t belong, I feel that way also with family members.  For myself, I think it’s because I never had any self worth or esteem.  I was always the people pleaser.  But Bettie, we are worth it, we have come a long way in our rcovery, we need to be happy with ourselves first.  Take care!!!Seize all the good things in life

[p]

Hi Bettie
Just want to say thank you so much for helping me on chat today… i made it through but it was such a near miss it had my head spinning.. thanks for being there for me Bettie you really have no idea just how much you saved my neck today.. you got me turning my thinking around, thank you thank you thank you …

 P – Living and Learning

[maria123456]

Hi Bettie, Thanks for the help yesterday. You always give me the best advice. Like P said, you got my thinking turned around too. So glad I have found you on here Bettie. Thank you..Maria

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie to Larry (paul315)

… I see all the flooding associated with the Mississippi and can’t help but think of you …

Thanks for the concern Bettie, I am doing good and staying dry. The floods here in the immediate St Louis area are contained to flooding out the road between the river and the arch and at a few other communities nearby. The big problems in this area are a few miles away, but that may change and we are still vulnerable — the last huge devastating local flood was in ’93, like you said "amazing the power of nature".
I remember when the flooding at the river roads would upset me, it caused a couple of casinos to close; now I think more about the destructive force that causes real problems. Knowing the the many casinos in Tunica out side of Memphis are closed for a few weeks is a little relief to me; I am taking another trip to New Orleans and with the flooding I have one less temptation to face when I pass the exit leading to that area. (I do respect the loss of jobs for the employees, both all the casinos and hotels are closed, but not for the loss of revenue to the gambling industry. I also hope that any having a gambling problem in that area will take that opportunity to help them during the closure.)
Hope all is well or getting better for you, and that you will continue to gain strength in your recovery. The power of our addiction is as much a threat to us as the amazing power of nature is to things out of our control.
God’s speed. Stay strong.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[p]

Hi Bettie
Just wishing you a good day today.. hope you get some much needed r and r in very soon.. might catch you in chat again soon
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hey guys,
Hope everyone had a good day. I stayed home, too exhausted, and ate and slept in the chair. I feel better but not well if that makes sense.
Lots of nice chats today, between naps, but i want to run out to the grocery store. Maybe a quick shower would wake me up.
Larry i saw where the closing of the casinos cost 87 million a month. But i know how depressed the economy is and do feel for the workers.  Maybe some good will come of it for those like us who have a problem.
peace
bettie– 5/26/2011 3:00:34 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Wow it is warm here, 33C! (91.6f) Just waiting for a storm, very volatile this time of the year. Calling for rain tomorrow so maybe we will dodge the bullet. Too hot to cook so i threw some boneless skinless chicken thighs on the grill with an ear of corn. I made ice tea too. Yummy!
Went to work, feeling better but not 100%. Wanted to go work out but I think i need to wait until at least Thursday and see how it goes. I am swollen and look 6 months pregnant! The infection, the heat? Who knows so time will tell.
Hope everyone is doing well and staying busy. I still stay on the weekend chat when I am home. A busy mind is not preoccupied with gambling.
Thats a good thing!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I was glad to see your post on my thread.  I can’t seem to catch anyone when I’ve gone on the weekend chat. I started the savings account today, and hubby didn’t say anything else about the gambling.  I am having urges this evening because I’m stressed out over family issues again.  But I won’t give in, posting to keep myself busy.  Hope you start feeling better!!!Seize all the good things in life

[jean]

Hi Bettie hope you are feeling better.You are doing great.Is p ok as her journal has been locked and she has put a sad face on it hope she is ok.Take care xxlifes to short

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I did hear from P today. She is taking a break but said she would join some chats. Hope to run into her soon.
Very hot again today, so I had to grill more chicken. Made some veggies on a skewer and some brown rice on the stove. Nice to have some home cooked food fast as instant when I get home.
Hope everyone is doing well. I did finally go to the Doctor so he could confirm what i already knew. Feeling better so thats a bonus.
hope to chat u all soon!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, Good to hear that you are feeling better.  Glad that you heard from P, I was worried about her.  I had roasted chicken and veggies for dinner too.  I had a good day, hope you did the same!!!Seize all the good things in life

[jean]

Hi Bettie great you are feeling better.so glad you have heard from p take care stay strong. xxlifes to short

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Looking for something warm to wear to work. Went from 90f to 50f today, Heat is off in the building and it is cold in here. Real funny since I ran my air conditioning for two days!
hope to chat u all soon!
peace
bettie– 5/26/2011 2:59:28 AM: post edited by bettie.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, hope you had a wonderful day!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi guys,
Read something funny today. Actually they were talking about this  at my GA meeting too. Seems a woman in the states is suing a national chain of children’s pizza/party place because they have arcade games that, in her opinion, teach children to gamble. It is true that the games spit out tickets and the kid collect prizes – the higher their scores the more tickets given and the better the prize. There was a comment i read where a mom said her kid stole coins from her purse in order to "play" more-and when she didn’t get the prize she wanted threw a tantrum begging just one more quarter mommy!
I look way back to my behaviors. When I was young, like 8 years old, I would steal coins from my DADS COIN COLLECTION to play arcade games. No prizes-just the thrill of the race car winning or hitting a home run on the baseball pin ball machine. I loved those machines! Then video arcades! I loved Ms Pac Man! I was playing in a convenience store while my Apartment was on fire! No Joke! No one could find me ( pre cell phones ) and my brother remembered I might be there.
Even as a young adult i remember pawning jewelry ( some rings my ex had bought and retrieved from an old girl friend) so I could get quarters to play Ms Pac Man. My gf and I would go in the middle of the night and play that game!
WOW, I had forgotten all that!
More recently, the first time i went to the movies they have arcade machines in the lobby. They are so similar to video slots that they gave me urges.
I guess my rambling might hit a nerve and make you wonder too.
I don’t know about the lawsuit however hind site is 20/20.
I would NEVER give a child a scratch off ticket and I would have to re think the whole arcade thing.
peace
bettie
 It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, it’s over 6 months GF and 106 days no smoking.  Yeah!!! Yes, I’m joining Curves tomorrow if the joining fees aren’t too much.  My walking partner is going with me, maybe they can waive the fees.  Listen Bettie, I will be bxtching to you about the workouts.  It will be torture for me in the beggining,  I don’t know if I will even make it though the whole workout.  At least you stuck it out and made it through the whole thing.  Are you doing the Zamba dancing also?  They just started that here.  We are always the hardest on ourselves. I asked myself the same thing, how did you let yourself put on this weight, why didn’t you get control of it before it got soo out of hand.  I’ve accomplished alot of my goals since coming here, but I think this is going to be one of the hardest things to get control of.  I know exactly where your coming from.  I will have to put all my determination on eating better, working out.  Boy, I love my snacks.  Carrot sticks here I come!!!  Take care!!!Seize all the good things in life

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, I hope you are having a good day.  I joined Curves today.  They waived the joining fees for myself and my friend as I am a AAA Member.  We get the first 30 days free also.  I am soo excited and motavated. Seize all the good things in life

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! I just wanted to tell you that you have done an amazing job with recovery, in spite of having had so many stressors, that would have sent many of us to seek comfort in a machine.  Way To Go Bettie!! Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I made my 9 months yesterday. I was told I had 9 months abstinence and would most likely get my 1 year abstinence however that was all I had, as I have not been working my recovery.
Funny, because of the 14 plus months that I have been posting here I thought I was working on recovery but I guess I am just here kidding myself into believing I was doing something-when the reality is I am just isolating and escaping.
I have a lot of work to do- I don’t believe I have kidded myself into thinking that I didn’t. I find it hurtful that the "work" I have done is totally discounted because I won’t give up my life to attend multiple GA meetings.
I have a lot of fear-this is not news to me. I am still making the "slights" I feel on a daily basis "all about me". I don’t think I imagine them and it is true I read things into situations that really may or may not be the case.
I am human, I have human feelings. I bruise easily. Is it mental illness or the reactions I have due to years of disappointment? Or has my negativity caused all the hurt in my life? It’s all my fault, I should have known that.
I have to change the negativeness I feel. I have to stop telling myself I am worthless, undeserving, and unlovable.
So here I am. CG extraordinary.
bettie

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! First off, congratulations on 9 months of recovery work. I’m guessing that you were told that all you had was 9 months abstinence by someone at a GA group. It makes me angry, as who are they to judge you whether you’ve worked on your recovery or not? My thoughts are that there is at least one individual in your group that believes it’s ok, and their job, to tell others that they have not been doing recovery work. I find this abusive behavior, plain and simple. It sounds more like the person is projecting onto you their own issues. Anyone who knows you at all and has chatted with you and read your thread, knows that you have made tremendous progress in your recovery. What kind of support group undermines people and their achievements?? Carole

[linnie]

Hi Bettie, hope you’re doing well.  I read with interest your post about the pizza/party place and pending lawsuit.  I’ve taken my niece and nephew to Chuckie Cheese’s on many occasion, and often thought that this was nothing more than an early introduction to gambling.  I jokingly referred to CC’s as a toddler’s casino.  Not a joking matter really when you see what places like this are doing to our children.  The kids can’t get enough of this stuff and it’s really difficult to get them out of there.  Not many of the games are "skill" games.  Most are chance games that last for a few seconds.  The number of tickets that the games spit out depends on being at the right game/machine at the right time.  No different than slot machines, in my opinion.  There could be something to this lawsuit.  It should be interesting to follow.
Also, wanted to mention that I read one of your posts on the other forum (problem gamblers, I think) regarding your thoughts on GA.  I was able to relate to much of what you said and appreciated the fact that I was not alone in my thinking/experiences.   
Congrats on your gf time and thanks for sharing. 
Linnie
 

[غير معروف]

Bettie, don’t let anyone take away from the remarkable achievement you have made over the last 9 months!  Do it YOUR way…apparently, your way isn’t all bad since it’s WORKING! Love and hugs to you……JulesIf you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

…I made my 9 months …

Good morning Bettie, Well done!
Well done on making "your" 9 months, on living gambling free during the past days and learning how to continue in "your" recovery.  I wish I could tell you with certainty, or even "most likely" that you were going to make it to a year, and eventhough I see in you the desire and needed changes — the "progressive character change within oneself", for you to make it;  I can only offer support and encouragement and tell you that you can make it, that you can continue your work in recovery and stay gambling free. Some days you may have to abstain from gambling when an urge or situation tells you to gamble, but the days in between these times of struggle you are living gambling free and enjoying the benefits of recovery. "BE PATIENT!  The days and weeks will pass soon enough, and as you regularly attend meetings, abstain from gambling and follow the guidelines on this page, you will experience continued recovery."
If you feel that you are not working your recovery, or that you are lacking in some areas, take a fearless inventory of yourself and use that as a guideline to go further.  If others are judging you or feel that you are lacking, don’t let their negativity drag you down, keep working your recovery, and, if possible, help them work theirs; they may only be reflecting their shortcomings.
You talk about attending meeting and not wanting to give up your life to keep to someone else’s standards. While I believe that "meetings make it"*, I too share in your need to also live life during recovery. My addiction controlled my life and prevented me from enjoying it, and now that I am in recovery to gain my live back I cannot let recovery control my life either; my recovery guides me in the right thing to do, but I cannot let it control me or I will be in the same predicament, only with a different master.  This is how I feel and what is working for me, you or others may need more "live" meeting to help strengthen or provide more guidance, and a sacrifice or extra effort may be needed to gain this, but, you are the one to make this decision.
Again, well done. God’s speed. Stay strong, keep working "your" recovery.
Note:
* An additional comment on meetings was part of my post in the The topics group Forum concerning technology: i.e., The Gamblers Anonymous portion of my recovery ask that new members "attend 90 meeting in 90 days"; there is no way that I could have made "live" meetings, the logistics were not there for me. I know that I was able to make 90 visits to the casinos in 90 days, but here is where the other side of technology came into play; the casinos are able to operate 24/7 without any of time or operating restrictions that GA meeting sites (and as I now realize, myself included) are forced to deal with. 
I also feel that my continued use of this technology provides the time in meetings that I now need to continue in my recovery. While I recognize GA’s need to only stress and promote their program, I feel that an individual can add to this program without diluting it by using things that cannot be presented in the GA meetings; this may not be recognized as working recovery by some, but the outcome speaks for itself. I will also add that these thoughts are in no way meant to take from or challenge the GA program, it works, it is just that I feel that additional help that compliments GA is available and usable.                
Larry

Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.– 5/20/2011 12:24:44 PM: post edited by paul315.

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! I was glad to see that Larry posted to you as he always has a lot of wisdom. He makes several good points and the first is that recovery allows us to participate in life, instead of sitting gambling. That to me is true recovery, to be able to enjoy the things we didn’t have the desire or patience to participate in when we were actively gambling. The second is his point that gambling is available 24/7, whereas GA meetings are on specific days and times. You work fulltime, sleep every day, and are a mother, a daughter, a friend, and do attend GA, etc. Not to mention that you have a house to clean, laundry to do, grocery shopping, etc. Don’t allow anyone through their words to take away your awesome achievements. I wish I had been there in your group when that was said. I would have definitely come to your defense. Carole 

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, that pXisses me off that someone in your GA group would be soo judgemental and disrespectful.  You know you are my hero!!!  I think you are awesome!!  You have come such a long way in your recovery.  I have been sporadic in my GA Meetings lately.  I’ve been feeling alot of negativity among the group. I haven’t had the desire to work the steps yet. I’m not saying that GA doesn’t work, but I can see where it isn’t for everyone.  Maybe, it’s time for me to find another group.  I just don’t get it when someone has to act soo high and mighty.  Aren’t we all in this together?  Bettie, have a great day!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hello to all my defenders, super hero’s that you are!
Bettie, CG extraordinary here
I kinda like that intro!
Well, in all fairness, i was feeling especially sensitive when I posted. I have known since I started GA that they were very closed minded about anything that strays from the GA program. They achieved their recovery doing "just what the book says"- no deviation and no other interpretation allowed. I get this. I am also told rebellion to these idea’s is the illness trying to push you back into it’s arms! Well I get that too.
I just got home from my meeting tonight , got a 9 month key chain, felt stupid taking it after all, I only have "abstinence" but didn’t say anything. Then it happen. I was asked if I wanted to tell my story as a speaker at an upcoming meeting. I didn’t know what to say. I told her I needed to think about it and she said that was OK.
I think that is my biggest area of discontent, because even though I am just starting working the steps I sure as h*ll have been working MY recovery-even if it is not considered GA recovery and you know what? Thats OK. I don’t need approval I just need help. If I can be challenged to think in a different way, see what I have been blind to, face my fears, well it’s all good.
Funny that Larry quoited from his post in the topic groups. I just read that this morning, having whole heartedly agreed with every word he typed.
If it takes the rambling of a mad woman to get Jules up and posting well thats a good thing! love Ya Girl!
Tx Linnie, Lizbeth and Carole! Please don’t let me and my mouth turn you away from meetings. There is alot to be said about being in a room with your peers-and thinking to yourself "this person is even nuttier than me!" But on a serious note there but for the Grace of God…. because I see things I could have done, lines I could have crossed. As bad as it was it could have been so much worse. Lots of lesions to be learned for sure.
On a very sad note my neighbor- my brothers best friend, has been fighting lung cancer for a couple years. He called me from the hospital and it doesn’t look good for him. We talked for a while, he is mostly upset about leaving his 17 year old daughter with her alcoholic mother. Any one who prays please say one for my friend-a very sweet guy you would have been glad to know. He said he may come home with hospice care so I called my brother to see if he could come help me clean his place tomorrow-I have the key and will be taking care of his birds and mail.
peace
bettie

[finding_laura]

Good morning Bettie,
lots of catching up for me to do.  So sorry I missed you this morning, I had to step away from the pc for a few minutes.  I caught up reading day before yesterday so now i get to post!  I am learning patience whether i like it or not 🙂  So first off….
A great big fat Wohooooooooooooo!!!!! for nine months of recovery
I’m so glad you received all the words of wisdom and support that you have.  God bless Larry as well for he always seems to know exactly what to say.  To me abstinence is either holding on for dear life while not making any attempt to learn or grow or having a spell where the triggers may have abated enough for a person to sneak by with a little will power. Abstinence alone never lasts i don’t think.  Your recovery has been about growth and understanding and change.  Yes it ok for someone to give us feedback on how they think we are doing.  But they need to check their delivery.  So enough said on that topic from me!
I will say a prayer for certain Bettie, for your friend and for his daughter.  You are a good soul Bettie and a good friend.
Have a great weekend hun, know that even when i miss you or can’t spend a lot of time here, you are in my thoughts.
xo Laura

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! I know that GA is a wonderful program that helps many, many people. That’s not to say that there are not people in certain GA groups that demonstrate non-supportive behaviors towards others, and that actually harm the person in recovery. And I also know that in some groups, if a person challenges these non-supportive/abusive words, then it’s because you’re not working your recovery the GA way. Sometimes we need to hear what is being said, but other times it’s abuse, plain and simple. And if you say anything, you’re accused of being rebellious and not working your recovery. Only you can decide which it is, but I totally disagree with this individual’s OPINION. Keep up the awesome work in your recovery Bettie! I know that you are an inspiration to many people on this site, and they look up to you on how you have managed and grown in your recovery. I still wish I had been in that group that night. Of course we’re going to defend you, we love you as brothers and sisters in recovery. Carole  

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I have not been on the chat at all really all weekend. I am sore and very tired today. After all the cleaning yesterday at my friends condo I was up at 3:30am and never went back to bed. I cleaned in my place a bit then went back and finished cleaning at my friends condo. I put  in my wash then went to the store. My brother called, said he was at the hospital and they were letting him come home. My brother said that our friend was upset, said he felt bad that when he called me to take care of his birds that his place was such a mess. My brother said don’t worry about it, bettie has a surprise for you when u get home. He said our friend got all choked up.So glad I got that task done for him. I was not prepared for the mess but the guy’s sick and had really let even the most basic stuff go. I picked up a few grocery’s and left them for him too. I did see him when he got home, he’s very weak but in good spirits. I will keep a better check on him and will just bring stuff to him as he won’t ask for help and he really needs it now.
Well I need some sleep. Today is the anniversary of when my dad passed 11 years ago. I miss him.
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Get some rest Bettie, what a good friend and your thoughtfullness really inspires me. Seize all the good things in life

[finding_laura]

hi Bettie,
you working today?  You must be aching all over.  Holiday here in Canada.  I’ve had a terrible weekend as well.  Sore, sick, fighting with hubby.  Been sleeping a lot.  Not sure if I need it or if its a response.  You are a good friend indeed Bettie.  Don’t forget to take care of you.  Anniversaries are hard.  Missing a loved one must be extremely hard.  Your dad would be proud of you B for all the strength and courage you’ve shown. 
peace right back at you.  XO
Laura

[lizbeth4]

HI B, hope you are having a great day, you deserve it!!!  In August, my Dad will have been gone for 4 years.  I always think of him, and how my Mom misses him.  It’s good that we always have the memories of the one’s we love.  I hope your’e not too sore.  Take care!!  6 months 18 days Bettie, thanks for your support!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hey guys,
Well I am just beat! Yea Laura, I worked and we were very busy. I stopped briefly to see my friend, he is still weak but better. He got real emotional when we talked, I just told him it was OK-you have every right to feel like you feel-but it is so hard to see a man cry because being men that is a really hard thing for them to do. I told him I spent lots of time on the farm and in farm houses and nothing really surprises me. I told him my brother cleaned the bathroom and he said he needed hazard pay for doing that!
I did sleep pretty well last night Liz and really didn’t want to get up. 6 & 1/2 months-wow! WTG!!
Went to my nieces graduation – nice ceremony but with almost 400 kids very long.
Tomorrow is another busy day!
living life-who knew??
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, just wanted to let you know, I finished my 3rd workout at Curves this morning.  It was a good one, alot of sweating!!!  I slept soo well last night, first time in a month.  I felt rested when I woke.  Hope you are having a great day!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I don’t even know where to start. I have such a headache. I’m at one of those PMS moments where I just want to chuck it all and say to h*ll with it.
I shared some of my thread and was accused of violating "whats said in the room stays in the room". I thought sharing things that were said to ME about ME and how I felt about those things would not be off limits. I’ll try to keep this simple and to the point. I feel really bad that I may have in some way "broken the rules". I was told my posts could be interpreted as having a "spy" in the room and my cg reaction is to just quit GA meeting and run.
If you knew me at all you would know I would never jeopardize someone’s recovery by gossiping about them.
I now feel a bit stifled here, like I am no longer able to share whats on my mind. Kind of like the kid in school who is being shunned by the "cool" kids.
I’m at a cross roads.
bettie

[vera]

I dont quite get it B!
Did you share what was said at GA here in GT or visa versa?
Confidentiality in groups worries me. Thats one of the reasons Im wary of GA! How do I know I wont meet a member at work who might just innocently blurt out where they met me?
We can develop hang ups about breaking rules B and thats the problem of the "hangup owner" not of the person who makes us feel this way..
Be yourself B. If you are not yourself who are you?
Keep posting!

[lizbeth4]

Hi B, I can never see you jepordizing anyone’s recovery?  I have found out personally that sometimes people are very touchy and can take things that are said the wrong way.  Kind of turn the words around because they are unhappy in their lifes.  Just take a deep breath.  You know how important you are to us. Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Well that headache I woke up with has returned. I have been thinking about the situation I find myself in and I am very upset about it.
I am re reading my thread to see if anything I posted could be seen as me betraying fellow GA members, retelling their therapy stories in my thread. That is what I stand accused of. I just don’t see repeating comments made to ME about ME at GA as retelling someones therapy. I am guess i am wrong, now that it had been discussed among my sponsor and another member, I feel like an *ss, and I also feel betrayed.
I thought I felt excluded before and now that I feel that i have been deemed untrustworthy I don’t want to go back.
I guess this is why I have so few friends-I really rub people the wrong way. I don’t know how to fix that or I would.I’m not good at just sitting back and taking it when I feel criticized. I think I should just shut up and never say a word because every thing I say is wrong. I feel defeated, ashamed, stupid, worthless. Heck I don’t think I have felt quite this bad since the last time I gambled.
 
 

[vera]

still dont get it B!

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! Let me start off by saying that only a kind, loving person would have gone into that home and cleaned and took care of the birds. A lot of people talk the talk, but when it comes down to having to do something for someone else that involves giving of themselves, especially when it’s something that involves work, a lot of people don’t walk the talk. I’m sure that what you did for that man, blessed his heart. I can’t even imagine the frustration and hurt you must feel with the GA group you attend. As far as I understand you did nothing to jeopardize the confidentiality of the group. You didn’t identify the individual who said it was their opinion that you only had abstinence and not recovery for the 9 months. You said nothing to identify anyone else in your group, or anything about anyone else’s recovery but yours. Honestly Bettie, what comes to mind for me is CULT, with certain individuals in your group!! I believe that GA groups are of tremendous value for many, many individuals and if there was a group where I lived, I would attend. Are members not allowed to disagree with what other’s are saying about you, when you don’t believe it to be accurate? Only you can decide for yourself whether this group is healthy in terms of your recovery. I’m frustrated for you Bettie, and I’ve facilitated many groups in my past work experience, and I would never have allowed what was said to be supported by other members, nor by myself. Whoever is leading the group is a gatekeeper, in the sense that people are not harmed by what is said. Carole 
 

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I am worried about you.  How are you doing??  I hope you had a good day.  I know that you are a caring and loving person, and would never do anything to jepordize anyone’s recovery. I don’t know where all these accusations are coming from and who the accuser is.  You know you didn’t do anything wrong. Stay strong and keep your head held high!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hey Kids,
I’m hanging in  there. I have a lot on my mind. I saw my doctor today to review blood work. Something odd came up. A couple years back I was sent to see a specialist-a blood doctor. He has been monitoring my white cell count. I have had a slight elevation and it has always been a "watch and see" kind of thing. Well I was quite startled today. I was given a diagnosis. I was told "no one dies from this" but I have CLL- Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. I’ve done some research and most people with this just have it , it doesn’t progress, so we will see.
I almost wish he hadn’t told me. I’ve got a cancer-that is a very weird thing to say.
If you notice holes in my thread thats because i have edited myself. I would rather err on the side of caution than risk hurting someone.
I have said too much already but I will say what was said to me was said in private, not in a group, however at least one other person in the group is aware and i don’t want to face her. I’m not good at awkward. I don’t think I will go to the meeting tomorrow. 3 days of upset is enough and I don’t want to face this tomorrow.
Thanks for your concern guys, I’ll be fine.
I did go to the chiropractic and had the best massage! That was lovely!
peace
bettie
— 5/27/2011 3:50:59 AM: post edited by bettie.– 5/27/2011 3:52:25 AM: post edited by bettie.

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, I am glad to see you post.  Sorry for your dignoses of CLL, I only know what you have said about the disease.  But could CLL be related to any of your other health issues?  Like diabetes, female problems, your back issues?  Just wondering.  Hang in there!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[p]

Hi Bettie
Just wanted to pop in and say hello.  Havent been posting on my thread but am going to be round in groups.  I prefer not to keep one now for the privacy thing.  I havent seen you in a while but usually know you will be there in Lees group so hope i catch you in that one next week.  Sorry to hear you are unwell, you are a special person, dont forget that.
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well things are on a bit more of an even keel for me. I did go to my meeting, I spoke with the party involved and I faced my fears straight on. That is a lesson I should have learned in kindergarten, and one I have learned the hard way as always "when wrong promptly admit it and make amends where possible".
I will save my venting to emails and not public forums-better for all involved.
I now see the Cg in me trying to really get my head in a different space. It’s looking for ways to break up my recovery and send me back to the gates of casino hell. If I think "every one dislikes me, I have no friends, the casino was always a place to go, "well there it is. CG logic i guess.
score
bettie 1 CG 0
Just another battle in the war. Nice to come out on the right side for a change.
Hope every one is having a gf weekend. Memorial Day holiday here so I am off Monday.
So tired, I have had a long day.
Liz just add it to the list, I try not to dwell too much on being sick. I feel good for the most part. Stopping smoking could put this thing in remission. I have been advised not to try stopping since I am so new to recovery but I think I am ready to give it a go. I just don’t want to gain weight. My Dr was talking insulin pump again and I want no part of that. A lousy 10 pound loss would go a long way toward getting my sugar back where it should be.
P i hope to see u again soon! Ditto to U Carole!
I should be posting but too sleepy now.
Hope to catch up soon.
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, you should give up smoking a go.  It’s worth a try!  Right?  I haven’t smoked for 118 days, and I have tried many times before. 118 days since my heart attack, that’s why I think it is working this time.  My health issues!!! I have gain a few pounds hence now going to Curves. Wow, it’s a vicous circle!!! Oh, well got to keep on trying, you will know when it’s the right time for you to quit.  I’m glad to hear that things have settled down for you. It is soo hard to lose weight, soo easy to put it on.  I am battling the weight thing now.  I’m only 2 weeks into Curves, but I think it might be the right program for me.  I am going to start their diet weight management plan week after next, when we get back from my Mom’s.  There are alot of good receipes and I don’t think I will feel deprived.  I hope you are having a good long weekend.  Take care!!!Seize all the good things in life

[desdemona]

My dear Bettie! You have soooo much on your plate right now. I am thinking of you and wish there was some way I could help lighten your load, because you mean a lot to me friend. Carole  

[female g]

Hi Bette hope that the balance you need in life is not far off.  It can be a battle because as gamblers we but all that on back burners and in recovery we sometimes overload our plates with too much while we try to rejoin the human race.  Just keep it going slowly and in time it will all fall into place and we can learn to enjoy the down time.  I wish you all the best and hope that the enjoyment level is not far off.  hope you can quit smoking and get fit so that you can physically do well too.G Nice to touch base been too long and with the site down too.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hey G-nice to "see" u! Carole your posts always "lighten my load"! Thanks! Liz, I hope your trip is as lovely as your are!
Well, I got the check. I so wish I was able to reinvest all of it but I have paid all my credit cards off and paid ahead on a few other bills. I will be treating myself to the trip to Florida in November. I am hoping that I can save money going forward so the remainder of the distribution can stay put. I am not a good money manager and I should be because I am in the industry but thats kind of like "physician-heal thyself!". Even before I was CG i was never a good saver and always lived a bit beyond my means. ( Which isn’t hard when you don’t have much "means").
I treated myself to a new purse from the thrift. I took it home and checked all the little pockets and found a valet ticket from a casino in there! Ha ha! Must have been fate-even my purse has been to a casino!
I planted my flower pots on my balcony, my little piece of Paradise. Nice to grill , sit out there, drink ice tea and look at the flowers. Simple pleasures! So wonderful.
Well back to cleaning-no rest for the weary!
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Oh Bettie! You have such a way with words. Had me laughing at the casino valet ticket. Perhaps the lady didn’t walk out of the casino with enough money to tip the valet! Wish you could use some of that money you got to buy a plane ticket and come visit me. Carole

[vera]

B!
Just imagine your man in the casino telling me he ll never forget me…WOW!
I wonder should I have slipped him my mobile number?
If only I was ten years younger…or 20…
By the way I was in the bank today and a girl collapsed out cold on the floor…taken away by ambulance.

[bettie]

Oh the stories I could tell you…..
Like the time the customer at my desk reached over and slapped my manager on the side of his head! He hit him so hard MY ears rang!
I did have a exciting experience at work Wednesday. I have a customers who’s son is an television/movie actor. She brought him in with her and brought him over to meet me. I almost needed an ambulance!
Kidding aside I have had customers who have fallen ill. Had one a couple weeks ago-very confused-who couldn’t find her car. I walked out and helped her. She was wandering around our drive up area and I was afraid she was going to get hit! I did find her car but God help her, I doubt she should have been driving!
Of course there are the cg stories too. The saddest one was the lady who was over drawn crying buckets of tears and swearing she was never going to the casino again. Little did I know that was going to be me a couple of years later.
Well time to get ready for work!
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Oh Bettie! The story about the customer slapping your manager is still making me laugh out loud. Hope you’re doing well. Who would have ever thought that we’d become that lady crying, swearing we’d never go to the casino again? Carole

[pp]

Hi Bettie
Long time no chat!  Hope to catch you some time soon so we can catch up again.  Hoping to make lees groups once more.  You are a funny thing, you always give me a giggle.  Still dont have a thread, one day.. just not yet but i will keep in touch with you all.  See you soon
 

[kathryn]

Hiya B,
Hope you are having a relaxing weekend.  I havent talked to you as much as i would have liked (yes, its all about ME!!!)  but im hoping to catch up soon.  I have so missed being here, it was like i had lost a limb, although my house was spotless, i had nothing else to do!!! 
Love ya girl, Kathryn xxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[غير معروف]

Hi ya Bettie, just thought I’d take this opportunity to thank you for the support you were offering to me not so long ago. It has helped me turn a big corner, I’d be here until doomsday if I were to thank every one individually but thats what I’m aiming to do.
Cheers Bettie.        Geordie.I dont gamble.

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, I was thinking of you and wanted to say Hi!!!  Hope you are having a good weekend!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hey Kids,
Lovely weekend-after the storm yesterday. Went to dinner and a movie with my girl friend. We were the only one’s there with out a date-there were like 4 couples in the theater-so I asked her if we should hold hands. She laughed.
Went to a baby shower for my former asst managers daughter. I sat with some of her friends-all much older than me but I laughed so hard I almost wet myself! The one lady was talking about raising her kids and was commenting on modern parenting. "Time out my *ss-Times UP!" She says she has no problems when the grand kids are over. They are well behaved around her!
The subject of gambling came up. The state is going to allow 5 more, one in Chicago proper. I know that one of the ladies I sat with is a "player". One lady mentioned to me "oh, you had a problem with that." I told her yes and I don’ t gamble any more, it just doesn’t pay. Guess my friend must have told my secret. Oh well to be truthful I always wondered how I would handle something like that and I sailed right through it. I wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed even though I was "outed" at a table of 8 other women. I know I am disappointed my friend told someone something I said in confidence but I am glad I never told her the details.
Geordie if I gave you a piece of advice that helped I am glad. I am also sure I learned it from another cg, just like us.
Such a beautiful day. I should have done something after the shower but I just relaxed in my chair. I am so tired these days.
Have a great week!
peace
bettie– 6/6/2011 12:33:26 PM: post edited by bettie.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, sounds like you’ve been busy.  Just wanted to say Hi.  Take care!!!  Have a good day.Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Feeling hot, hot, hot!
Cooler tomorrow thank God but will have to muddle through.
Planted tomatoes and peppers in the little garden in my daughters back yard. Don’t know if I did it right but will see. I thought I would pass out from the heat but it is done. Maybe i sweated off a pound or two-who knows?
Something therapeutic about playing in the dirt. Glad i didn’t run into any worms!
peace
bettie

[jean]

Hi bettie i love playing in dirt or should i say planting plants.I am sure you will soon see the benifits when the tomatoes and peppers come through.Take care xlifes to short

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, it’s real hot here.  Been swimming everyday  to cool down!!  My Daughter has a big garden.  She gave me some zucchinni, summer squash, and tomatoes.  Fantastic!!!  They were yummy!!!  Hope your garden does well.  Take care!!!Seize all the good things in life

[p]

Hi Bettie
Oh it is cold here today brrrrr love how our seasons are opposite, at least i get to read about the warm weather again.  Nice to chat to you the other day have missed seeing you round, hope you have a good rest and see you again soon
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
What a night! Storms and still storming. 30 degrees cooler so that helps however I might have liked to swim today but no go.
Daughter fighting real good with her BF, he called me saying she’s nuts-she called me saying she can’t stay alone-needless to say I didn’t sleep. I told them both I didn’t want to be in the middle. I see now how co dependent my daughter is. Poor kid – two crazy parents-did she stand a chance?? I told her she was acting like her dad. When I was 17 and wanted to break it off with him he threatened suicide, one time producing a knife that I had to wrestle from him. So I stayed, got pregnant, married him. I told her see how well that worked out? It is frightening seeing history repeat itself. Too frustrating to keep going on but I am sure u get the general picture.
Well it’s my off day and I plan to make the most of it.
peace
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
…Storms and still storming …

Good morning Bettie,
Good to see that you are still living life, your life. Your life with all the ups and downs is still far better than one of a CG in action. Stay strong and weather out the storms, both of nature and recovery.
Just thing a couple of months ago we complained about the cold, now it is the heat; its "? Too Dame Hot".
God’s speed. Keep your kool!LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[paul315]

— 6/9/2011 4:14:55 PM: post edited by paul315.

[bettie]

Tx Larry,
Just to ice the cake, just picked daughter up from the train. She got laid off.
Life-who knew??
bettie

[finding_laura]

Hi Bettie,
sounds like icing and a cake you could do without.  Normally I love cake.  Sorry, its 5:45 am and the coffee is still running through the machine!  Have missed hooking up with you Bettie.  I’m hoping to get back more into a routine. was it just last weekend that we had no GT?  Seems like forever since we had morning coffee together.  brb, going to grab a coffee!  Ah thats much better.  Can feel the brain cells waking up. I’m really sorry to hear about your daughter.  But good for you giving her some straight talk.  It must be tough when it is your child that is wrapped up in situations that aren’t healthy.  Serenity prayer B.  I hope your daughter has a bit of an epiphany about working on her self. 
I also read about your outing at the baby shower.  I wonder if anyone actually keeps secrets.  That is why i am such a paranoid person about posting any identifiable details.  It is not for my protection really, I think I would be much the same as you.  Yeah I had a problem.  But it is my hubby who is extemely private and would be really upset if someone he knew advised him of all the details of our life.  Such as not getting along etc etc.  You did good Bettie.  Have a good Friday and hopefully catch you for coffee this weekend.
xo Laura

[bettie]

Good Sunday Morning!
Well the sun is out and thats a plus. Morning coffee with the kitties. Stayed up late last night and I am tired.
Saw my neighbor yesterday. He has really turned for the worse. His sister is here with him right now. She is here from California. She has cancer also-breast that has spread to her bones and brain. She has to go back for more chemo. I suggested maybe they could do her treatment here so she can stay and not have to fly back and forth. I cut his hair and he gave me a gift card to buy him things and keep the rest for myself. almost $200. I could not refuse taking it-he was adamant about it.
Just off the phone with his brother-they expect that his time is very limited. This is to tragic and yet here I sit smoking like a fool. It is frightening to see someone struggle to breath. Just shoot me!
A friend of mine brought me some fresh fish yesterday, said he cleaned it for me. He handed me the bag-THE HEADS ARE STILL ON!! OMG! I am SUCH a city girl! lol! Called my brother-he will do the deed and cook them up.
Afraid to hit the scales-I have eaten like a mad woman the last few days. Had a BBQ at work and the food was so good! Monday morning diet here I come!
have a good one kids!
peace
bettie

[paul315]

Thanks for the reply Bettie,
Sometimes not too many words are needed to express our thoughts.
p.s. was the clown you?LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, Soo sad about your neighbor and his Sister.  And you are such a good person being there for him.  I can only imagine how much he appreciates it.  After my heart attack, I was blessed to have a friend who lives in my condo complex.   She brought dinner over to my Husband and  for a week, and called me or came by daily to see how I was when my Husband was working.  I never expected it and it was soo awesome to have someone care soo much.  I will never forget about how kind she was.  You do something for yourself with the gift card, you deserve it.  OMG! When my Dad was dying from heart failure due to his emphysema (from smoking), I would smoke like a fiend.  It was a awlful death, and my Mom and I were still smoking.  She just celebrated 1 year smoke free, cold turkey.  I am soo proud of her!!! I can relate about the fish.  I love fishing, but was never one to clean or behead them.  Always had someone else do it for me.  LOL!!!  Have a great Sunday friend, you deserve it!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie, God bless you for your kindness to your neighbour and his sister. Smoking is an addiction just like every other addiction so don’t be hard on yourself. I have a friend who had lung cancer and surgery to remove a lobe from her lung, and she kept smoking through all this. I smoke also and I know it’s an unhealthy coping strategy, but to date, I haven’t quit. Insane yes, but it is what it is. Hope you’re having a great day! Carole  

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, thanks for the post.  It is another tool I will use in my recovery. Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[lynn]

Hi Bettie, sorry to hear about your sister. It hurts to see your loved ones struggle. How is your daughter coping being out of work? I was laid off once about 2 years ago. It wasn’t fun, but it’s also a chance to do things you couldn’t before. Like going back to school, get some time off etc. Don’t get off your diet now 🙂 you just brought 6 new dresses remember?

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, it was awesome being on chat with you today.  We laughed and cried!!! Take care of yourself. Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Good chats!
Just a little correction Lynn. My neighbor, who had lung cancer, has his sister, who also has cancer taking care of him! God bless them both!
My diet has been really BAD! I have been increasing my insulin-doctor supervised-but that isn’t good!
Did just find out my sister had a pretty bad car wreck-rear ended by a SUV-and refused to go to the hospital. Niece was in the car too and is complaining of neck pain.
The fish was wonderful.
Daughter called asking if i took (stole) her lottery scratch off ticket! Nice! Like i want to blow my clean time for that crap!
She’s going to apply for unemployment benefits tomorrow. That will give her a better idea about what her next move is. Talking about getting rid of the BF so we will see.
need to hit the hay!
peace
bettie
 

[vera]

hope they got the number of the SUV B! And that they claim on his/her insurance..
talking about car insurance…better check to see if mine is due…

[lynn]

sorry Bettie,
sometimes I read a little too fast 🙂

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Haven’t posted because I have not had much else to say! lol! Bettie? Speechless?
Not really just lazy.
Worked out today-had not planned to but it did make me feel better. I wish I could get rid of the negative thoughts I beat myself up with-eg why bother? too late, your wasting your time, and on and on. I get so disgusted I want to give up. The really funny thing is i get a computer read out that tells you how many calories you burned. It said i burned 689 calories. I don’t think that was the case-when i was in my best shape the most I did was 500. I was soaking wet but I am also doubtful that the measure was correct. That did inspire me to have a nice grilled chicken dinner and motivated me to get a salad for lunch tomorrow.
Just need to ignore the negative thoughts. My sponsor says to watch for things like that-it’s really the cg’s ugly head popping up trying to find ways to out smart me. That does make sense.
Customer asked me about my asst manager who retired-said what a wonderful person she was. I told him "You know XXXX she just retired-we didn’t have her killed!" Told him he was stuck with me and was not going to be nearly as nice to him as she was!  
I need to get it together and write out "my" story. I have been asked to speak at our meeting and have to fill about 30-45 minutes. I have a basic outline but I need to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and get on with doing it.
Scared and flattered, truth be told. I have read before large groups before-(Vera I really screwed up a Mass one time!) but I have never had to speak about my self.
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, I love the squat machine at Curves.  But everytime I’m doing a workout, someone there complains about that machine.  Most people don’t like it.  I’m not doing the Curves Smart yet.  On the 20th of this month it will be one month of Curves. Maybe soon!!  I can’t even get my heartrate where it’s supposed to me on the stepper machine.  I am taking beta blockers for my heart and it keeps my heartrate lower.  But that’s ok, I am working out hard, and believe me I’m a sweatball when I’m through! LOL!! I haven’t lost weight, but I am losing inches.  My pants are looser aroung my stomach and thigh area. My Daughter even remarked while we were swimming tonight that my stomach looks smaller.  Yeah!!! I’m eating healthier and I do feel better, more energy. Why bother Bettie?  Because I need you, everyone needs you here.  It will help with your diabetes too!! You know you have the will power.  Look at all the weight you have lost before.  Amazing!!  What a honor to be asked to tell your story.  We talked this last weekend on your thoughts about how you were going to put it all together.  It sounds awesome to me.  Wish I could be there to hear you. You will be great!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[lizbeth4]

P.S.  Maybe we could motivate each other to workout!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[jean]

Hi Bettie Just thinking about you not bumped into you for a while in chat.You are doing great.Take care  lifes to short

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Had a great one on one with my sponsor. She graduated me to step two! Hey I’m 2!! Yea!
Up early today on my off day. Lots of things to do.
My neighbor has been moved to "comfort care". His sister left a note asking me to care for his birds until his twin brother can come and take them away. It will be hard to let myself into his unit-knowing he’s most likely not coming back. When I have bought flowers for my flower box I have always bought too many and I usually gave him the leftovers to plant. I think i will go down and plant them anyways-my little tribute. At least when his family comes to take care of his condo there will be a sign of life. He is very much the nature lover. He told me when we last talked that he was leaving a nature channel running on his television so when he woke from naps he would wake to something beautiful. I went through this stage with my brother 9 years ago, from praying for a miracle to praying for a peaceful passing. I know he has not been ready to this point, fighting tooth and nail to stay here. Maybe it’s time to let go. May God comfort him on his journey.
peace
bettie

[غير معروف]

Nice to see you today Bettie. You are a lovely woman as your post above pays testamony to. May God bless you all.
Take care.               Geordie.I dont gamble. Because recovery is priceless.

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! I miss you! You do have an awesome story because you are an inspiration to many. I so wish that you could see yourself as others see you. Carole

[kathryn]

Happy 2nd birthday Bettie…lol
I think what you are doing for your neighbour is absolutely beautiful and i wanted you to know that i think you are an amazing, kind, thoughtful, caring, loving, awesome woman!!!
Planting those flowers is such a thoughtful idea.  Im sure your neighbour would apprecieate your kindness.  He is lucky to know you….as am i.
Love Kathryn xxxxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

My neighbors twin brother stopped by with his wife. Wanted to thank me. Of course I am in a night gown and this place reeks of cigarette smoke and cat box! Such a lovely combo!
Got snubbed for fathers day tomorrow-was invited to my sisters house as an after thought. Long story short she is short on cash and she invited my brother and told him he could invite me if he wanted-but they would have to share the ribs that were bought. You know if money was an issue all she had to do was say hey we’re buying for the Dads and u are on your own. That would have been fine.
Gee, in the past something like that would have sent me off to gamble and have my own fun. Well I’ll not go where I am not wanted. And i won’t gamble either.
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, why didn’t your Sister have everyone bring something?  I’m hosting the Father’s Day Cookout, but everyone is bringing something.  It’s soo much easier that way.  I worked out 5 days this week.  I do feel it.  Monday will be a month. I am pushing myself as there are some mornings where I’d rather stay home, but I think of the outcome and it does make me feel better.  I’m glad that your Sister didn’t send you into gambling.  It’s funny when we think of all the things that made us want to gamble.  We are just getting stronger!  How is your speach of GA going?  Take care!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hey Liz,
I guess I need to look  at things with an open mind. Sometimes people are so self absorbed they forget the big picture. I just found out that there was a party for the nephew in law that I wasn’t invited to either. I need to take the high road. These are things I make to be about myself and really are they? Disappointing for sure and it is hard not to have feelings of worthlessness but this is a biggie-I have always personalized stuff like this and let it make me feel bad. Maybe she thinks I am doing something for my Ex with my daughter and the thought never crossed her mind. She is under a ton of stress right now. But no more excuses for her.
The speech-ug! I have been writing all day and I am exhausted. I think I will take a suggestion I got and just make bullet points and wing it. I am sorry now that I agreed to do it, getting a bit frustrated I guess.
Working out? What is that???
I seem to have forgotten how!
I’m a mess!
bettie

[bettie]

Happy Fathers Day!
Well my sister called and I made her feel really bad! I didn’t mean to but I had to tell her how I felt. Yes, she did not mean to slight me, I knew that. Yes I am always welcome there and no I don’t need an invitation.
So much pain and hurt going on around me right now-hard to tell the truth from the lies my cg mind keeps telling me. All things "normal" people deal with on a daily basis magnified under the weight of a cg affected brain trying to make you look for a way to escape.
Awareness
bettie 2 cg 0
thanks Kathryn for being my sounding board, your sage advice and wisdom and defense of me-always nice to know that I have a true friend in my corner!
I feel much better
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I do believe in the 12 steps, somewhere along the line I detoured and stopped going to GA.  I am using other methods to stay GF. Funny, the other day when I was having urges, I got my GA booklet out and read the 12 steps.  I think sometimes we are just oversensitive.  I used to take everything to heart and wanted everyone to like me. Now, like me for who I am, and I can let alot more bounce off me than before.  But when someone is being disrespectul, I do react.  We will see how my Father’s Day cookout goes today.  I hope everyone behaves (adults).  Have a good day!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Nice busy day yesterday. Started off a bit rough but worked out in the end.
Stopped by my sisters then my daughter and I drove to see her dad. Went to dinner with my ex, his wife, their son and my daughter. My daughter said he should have updated his face book status to "off to dinner with my 2 baby mommas and my kidz". If u knew my ex u would know how funny that would be.
New assistant manager starts today. That should be interesting.
peace
bettie

[vera]

Hard to please everyone Bettie!
In future just remind yourself that your happiness or your recovery do not depend on invitations to parties or "eatouts"!
I used to get hung up on things like that, nowadays I let a lot of things go over my head.
Action versus REaction!
Makes life simpler!
Still no word from my friend!!! Some we win, some we lose, I quess!
Regarding you GA speech B, why not record it and then you can play it back to fine tune the emphasis, pauses etc etc. That public speaking tip was given to me a ling time ago. Nowadays I just speak my mind if people dont want to hear, TOUGH!
You ll do well Bettie! Your sincerity will have more impact than your actual words.
The first (well only really) GA Awareness Evening I attended was excellent. Every speaker told their story from their heart. One man kept breaking down but was shown great support by the audience and fellow speakers.
When is it B?

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I hope you are having a good day, and your new assistant manager is not a jerk.  LOL!!!  As Vera said, you can’t please everyone.  Remember, we are people pleasers.  We need to learn how to put ourselves first!!!  I’m still working on that one, but doing better.  I had my month weigh in and measurements taken today at Curves, I lost 1lb and 8 inches!  I am pleased, the hard work is paying off.  Just need to get my butt there 5 times a week.  Anyways, have a good day and take care!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Oh where to start.
9:30 pm- just got home and ate a bowl of cold cereal. I got out of the call night at work so I went to curves. I decided to call my brother, he’s working on something for my daughters place. My neighbors twin brother had just called him-said to come to the hospital now as my neighbor had turned for the worse. My brother asked me to go and I was 1/2 way there already so I went.
I’ve never seen someone so close to death but I have been told about this type of situation so I had an idea of what to expect. His brother and sister in law were there. I stayed for my brother to get there and stayed until he seemed a bit more comfortable. "Hey buddy", he said to his friend since childhood when he came into the room. His brother had said my neighbor cried earlier when he told him my brother was coming. I doubt he will last much longer. When he was talking earlier he told his brother he "just wanted to sleep now and not wake up". He’s ready. His other sister had to return to California this morning. She has chemo herself tomorrow. When I think of how hard my life can be sometimes I will try to imagine having to leave my brother on his death bed and fly 2000 miles away knowing I will never see him again in this life.
I do have a funny story that I told his family at the hospital.
When I started my workouts 4 years ago I was bouncing all 300lbs of myself all around my condo. I could only imagine the noise this poor guy had to hear. We had gone to dinner with my brother and I apologized about all the noise coming from my unit-He lives right below me. His response, "well i knew SOMETHING was going on up there but I figured whatever it was none of my business!" LOL! What a sweet man. He surly got a raw deal.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well my neighbor passed this afternoon. My brother told me when he left him last night he went to say good bye and he woke, sat up, and gave him a good long hand shake and was trying to say good by back to him. My poor brother is beside himself.
Well Vera I think I am back to the outline and winging it. I speak this Friday, unless I faint, but we meet at a hospital and the ER is just down the hall so all the bases are covered.
Had a sit down one on one with the new assistant. She’s a bit over the top but nice enough. She told me i carried the day ( I got a GREAT account that should put me over the top for the goal, Thanks God!). She told me she could tell I knew my business and was wonderful with the customers. She said THANK YOU, and I mean that.
I have not had a manager say that to me in SO LONG. It made me nervous-waiting for the other shoe to fall. I’ll take that back, it is as it should be.
Lizbeth, how dare you loose weight AND inches! Color me green!   ( but i guess thats what hard work gets you-success!!)
Today I am thankful.
peace
bettie

[female g]

hey Bettie hope you do well with the speech and sorry to hear of your loss. Sounds like your life is falling more into place.G

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I am soo sorry to hear of your friend’s passing.  You will be fine telling your story on Friday.  Just be you, Bettie, you always have a way with words.  LOL! I’m glad the new assistant has some brains.  Its always nice to hear thank-you!  I didn’t mean to brag, hopefully I didn’t come off that way. I was just soo excited about my results.  I had one of the women (probably 15 years older than me) call me the energizer bunny today during my workout.  Having fun with it too!!!  Take care!!!Seize all the good things in life

[kathryn]

So sorry to hear of your neighbour Bettie,
His life was better for knowing you!!
As for your speech, you will rock it…after all, you are amazing!!!!!!!
Love Kathryn xxxxxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the posts. Trying to get moving but being lazy. ( what? bettie lazy? never! haha! )
Went into my neighbors condo to feed the birds and take in mail. Very strange to be in there now. I opened his windows for a bit. I can "feel" him in there and feel like i am intruding-odd feeling. I will take out the trash and open his fridge as it broke down and is unplugged. It’s needs a wash down because I don’t know what his brother plans to do with his place but that will have to be replaced before the condo can be sold.
Will have to finish my outline for tomorrow. i will be glad when that speaking is done tomorrow.
Off to the Chropractor then maybe to curves. Lizbeth loosing weight is no small feat as i can truly attest to so please share away! I need all the encouragement I can get. I went on line and bought a new workout DVD and a recovery book , the 12 steps illustrated by the Peanuts Characters. Should be interesting and fun. I bought those with the gift card from my friend.
bettie

[vera]

Strange feeling when someone is gone and you still feel their presence B..
I have a "financial advisor" calling shortly. I didn’t sleep great last night so feel like a total zombie so I hope I won’t sign up to any stupid investment! Figures mean nothing to me. All I see is my huge debt looming! I’m checking my bank account to see that my salary for this week is still there. I have a sneaking fear that my alter ego may have secretly withdrawn it and despatched it to a slot machine… I don’t trust myself to leave the house today !
Bettie, I would give anything to hear your talk…..

[finding_laura]

Morning Miss Bettie, long time no see.  Just catching up with you.  I am so sorry to hear of your neighbour.  His passing must be bringing a lot of emotions. 
When you are looking at beating yourself up, just look back at the last couple of pages.  You are an awesome woman who does her very best to navigate this life without hurting others and you try and bring the best to everyone around you.  You are caring, bright, witty, fun and one of the sweetest people i have met.  And when you are asking why bother, with caring for yourself, its too late etc etc, I hope you remember that you are worth it for you. To feel good each day for you, not for someone else’s model of perfection.  
Have a great day and I too know you will rock your speech. 
Miss our coffees but some day soon we’ll catch up.
love ya,
Laura

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, Hope you are having a great day!!  I feel like I am a better person in knowing you. Your speech will be awesome!!! Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I think the speech went well but I walked into the room with a heavy heart.
Got a voice mail from someone i don’t know telling me that a man I was involved with for about 16 years died on Fathers Day this past Sunday. What are the chances of loosing two friends in one week??
The last contact i had with him was not good, and thats all I could think about today. On the way to my meeting I remembered the first time he kissed me-under the street light in a misty rain, just like in a romantic movie. I was 29 then-my daughters age now. Romance is wasted on the young!
I started with my poem, then I talked about my first day at gt, read the first page of my thread. I talked about where I was then, where I am now and where I hoped to be. ( oh and I cried-had some members in tears too-and laughed and made some people smile ). I think it went as well at it could have and I am glad I wrote some stuff too. I read Kin’s post about the two wolves-which one will you feed? He posted that to me a very long time ago. Everyone loved it so thank you Kin for helping my recovery.
Thank you all.
peace
bettie

[kathryn]

Hi B,
Im so glad the reading went well, i just knew you would have no problems.  Im sorry to hear about your friend, im sure he is smiling knowing that your best memory of him is that beautiful kiss.  Remember the good times B, im sure he forgot the bad a long time ago.
It does remind me though, that life is precious.  I sweat the small stuff way too much.  Sure, we all have problems, but geez, they could be so much worse.
Well, i must keep packing…ugh.  Hope to talk soon,
Love K xxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, I’m glad your speech went well.  I knew it would!!  Sorry to hear about losing your friend.  Life is too short!! Remember the good times with him!!!Seize all the good things in life

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! I was sooooo hoping your sharing at GA went well. I am not good at public speaking as my nerves seem to get the best of me. I have told you this before but I’m going to tell you this again. I wish you could see yourself as other people see you. You are a kind, loving woman, with so many other wonderful qualities. I’m sorry to hear that you had two friends pass away. I can somehow relate to your ex-love passing away. The first man I really loved passed away a year and a half ago. I was 21 when I first met him and we stayed together for 6 years. He was 21 years older than I was. He taught me a lot about life and we enjoyed extensive travelling together. The relationship ended due to his lust for younger women. I had mixed feelings about hearing about his death. It’s still hard to believe that he is no longer on this earth. In his obituary I read that he had married and had two children. Another younger woman? His wife was living in another city than him, so I surmise that they were separated at the time of his death. At the time of his death, he was living only three hours away from me. I have decided not to go to Samantha’s funeral today. I have been able to process her senseless death and had some pretty down days while doing that. I don’t want to go back there emotionally and I may, if I see how grief stricken her mother and twin sister are. My recovery has to come first. Thanks for your post to me. Carole 

[bettie]

Well my friends funeral was today but I decided not to go. Jennie doesn’t understand why I would not go and in some ways I didn’t understand it myself. I feel like our relationship ended a long time ago and we really already said our goodbyes. He told me the last time I saw him that the next time I saw him would be at his funeral. Well I guess he was wrong-not that I feel like I won in any way shape or form. I never posted about him here on my thread because I had become involved with the FWB’s and had stopped seeing him-and in all honesty I was afraid my stupid and impulsive and frankly unsafe behavior could affect his health. It’s one thing to put your own health on the line and quite another thing to put someone else in harms way.
The service for my neighbor is next month and I will have to arrange for time off.
Carole you did what was best for you and I believe I did the same. I have heard many times that recovery is a selfish process and I am starting to get that. I did talk to his daughter yesterday and gave my condolences. Thats all I would have done if I had gone anyways.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hey Runninggirl I went looking for your thread and you ran away! I’m am sorry things are so tough right now. Gambling would just make it worse-but u know that already.
Insanity – doing the same thing and expecting different results. I am a pro at that for sure! But I am learning.
God is good! I have had an explosion of new accounts and should end the quarter well over my goal!! Thank You!
peace
bettie

[sherry123]

Things are looking up for you Bettie!  Your hard work is finally paying off.

[p]

Hi Bettie
So sad to read of the loss of your friend.. and all the things been going on, ive been out there again Bettie, just when i thought i had it, i guess i may never get it.. but i am back here with a serious mind problem.. looks like step one never really settled.. i was so sure but lost access to computer for almost a month and couldnt get to GA due to mum being sick.. guess it took its toll when i had cash in the hand and wrong set of circumstances.. now my mind is totally back to the start and i am trying to accept the problem for what it is again, like being a baby again.. think you have done the most awesome job ever Bettie and i hope you have a lovely day today.. be starting a post again soon..
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hey Guys,
Ugh! Just remembered my City Sticker is due for the car-today is the last day. Called my neighbors brother-his truck needs one too. (this is a tax paid to the village I live in for owing a car, gotta love city living!).
A million things on my mind, hard to get organized but need to make a list and work one at at time.
I sure am looking foward to next week. I am going away to Michigan for a few days. A friend from GA has offered the use of her summer home-compleate with pool and hot tub! Family stuff this weekend, todays my sisters Birthday. Need to call her too.
Maybe catch a chat or two.
bettie

[vera]

"A friend from GA" B?
Things are looking up! So you are becoming part of the circle of friends!
Talking about "friends". I had an encounter yesterday and a follow up call today that would turn you off "friendship" for life and drive even a non CG to the slot machines……some people are SOOOOOOOOOO self-centred!
 

[bettie]

yes Vera- a friend!
Seems like when I tell my negative cg brain to shut up and listen i find I am not quite as alone as I thought I was.
My sponsor said thats the best thing about group support-they love you until U can learn to love yourself.
Quite a revelation for me. I think (know) I am the reason I don’t have a bigger socal life. I don’t pursue one. Why? Because I am so afraid of being hurt.
Time to "flip the script".
Sorry to cut u off the chat, working step 2 with my sponsor and reaping the rewards. So hard to give control of things to my "Higher Power" – God – but it has been amazing! When we relinquish control we somwhow regain it. I can’t explain it but i get it.
Power is out and I am running on back up battery. Hard to type by camp light as I can barely see the keyboard!
Take care!
bettie
 

[sherry123]

Sounds like you are understanding the step program…and feeling good about it.  I have the book and might just get it out this weekend and work the steps too.  It’s good to hear your progress.

[p]

Hey Bettie
Glad you are still typing even though by camplight.. sounds like things are continually moving forward for you, congrats on changing your life, you are an inspiration to me
 P – Living and Learning

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, it’s good to hear that you are progressing in the steps.  Have fun on your trip, you sure do deserve it!  Take care!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi guys,
Sherry, Lizbeth-someday we may chat again! I can’t believe I never catch u two any more!
Miss P, always believe your story is worth telling. Even when we can’t see it we help others and you help so many.
Vera, waiting for my email!
Time for this rcg to get to bed!
Wild wild saturday night! Whoo Whoo!
bettie

[kathryn]

Hey B,
I hope you are in the land of nod right now..
Just wanted to let you know im thinking of you, you are one amazing woman!!!!
Love Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Tx Kathryn!
Hi Guys!
Has a slip last night, not a gambling one but a self defeating one just the same.
I can talk the talk but fail walking the walk!
Well every mistake is a learning experance. I learn all lessions the hard way but then I learn them well!
The FWB has to go. I think I am waiting for step 4 to get rid of him! I guess I need a 12 step program just for finding a healthy relationship because in the light of day i can see what a destructive habit I have been feeding!
It’s a new day and I will stop beating myself up.
Going to go greet the day!
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie think today it has kicked in, another day one for me today.. this is so sick, i am so sick.. but today my brain feels like its in the right state of mind to try again.. posts helped me and also someone from GA spoke to me and was an amazing help.. see you soon
 P – Living and Learning

[pumkin113b]

Hi Bettie — So sorry your holiday plans are falling through for you. I know it’s so dissappointing to have been looking forward to something and have it pulled out from under you. Keep you head up though Bettie! You still have some time here to enjoy. Your original plans may not have worked out but that doesn’t mean you can’t come up with some new plans that will. Think entirely about you and what special thing you might enjoying treating yourself to. You deserve it! And STOP those thoughts that this has anything to do with you my friend. All of us tend to get wrapped up in a world that revolves around ourselves — its natural — but almost all of the time when we think we know what others feel or think it is totally off base. Take care. Pumkin

[bettie]

Hi Guys-
i feel like I owe an apology here to you all. It was rude to close out of the chat so abruptly and for that I am very sorry .
Some days I feel like I’ve got it all together and things are going well. Some days just suck!
I am so dissapointed that my little trip didn’t work out. My CG brain tells me just the uglist things, frendless, hopeless,helpless-all a bunch of BS but it’s there. I’m not having urges and I think my mind is just trying to work up to some! Dissapointment used to make me go to the casino a lot. A cold drink and a warm seat were just waiting to console me, a slot machine to embrace me with a hyptontic trance-make me forget my cares. The "real" me knows the escape of the past no longer works. There is nothing waiting for me behind the casino door but death and distruction, a path I was able to avert from, with the help of all my cyber friends here.
Sometimes a pity party is best celebrated alone!
I’ll get over it-I always do.
bettie

[غير معروف]

Hey Bettie I know what you mean about your mind trying to work up to some urges. The good thing is the real you is there and the real you wont let it work any urges up.
You are switched on to this, however bad life gets you know that it can get a whole lot worse a whole lot quicker.
Take care.                           Geordie.Because recovery is priceless; I dont gamble.

[p]

Hey Bettie
We are here for you always.. the good thing Bettie to look at is you are gamble free.. im still strugging at day 4.. so even though you are having a hard time just thank god you are not gambling Bettie, believe me it only gets worse out there.. you are a wonderful giving person Bettie and i always love to see you round here..
 P – Living and Learning

[vera]

No apology needed B!
I know what you mean about the "welcome" we get in the casino…the imprint of my fat ass was left on many a stool!

[female g]

Hey Bettie just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and often do. I just am trying to stay busy as I am struggling to be gamble free.G

[jean]

Hi Bettie Thinking about you.You will come through it stronger than ever i am so proud of you take care xxlifes to short

[vera]

Bettie, did you contact Jules….????

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks so much for your support,it means a lot.
So 3 people said they would call me yesterday. All 3 failed to do so! Excuses to feel sorry for myself just keep presenting themselves but it is my job not to fall for the bait.
Awareness part 2
bettie 3 cg 0
Yes I am keeping score when ever I have a major breakthrough! I know I have little ones everyday so really it’s like bettie 1000’s – cg 0 lol!
Well gonna clean-whoo hoo!
Got an email from the owner of the place I was supost to go to and she said if I can find more time I am welcome to reschedule. Very kind on her part really.
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

My dear Bettie! Thank you for all you’ve contributed to my recovery, including the laughs we have had together. I am proud to call you my friend. I love your honesty and willingness to really look at yourself and be vulnerable. You are doing an awesome job in your recovery journey, and you inspire me to be a better person. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks everyone! Lots of hopeful and helpful chats today.
Yes Vera-I talked to Jules and by this time tomorrow we will be smoking cigrettes and chatting away!
Got quite a bit of cleaning done and a couple bags to goodwill. If I gave away everything that doesn’t fit my closet would be empty! Two day junk food binge not good!
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I’m so glad that you are going to spend time with a friend and relax.  Carole

[غير معروف]

Yes, Bettie….smoking cigarettes, chatting….and maybe a cocktail or two?  lolIf you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I’m 8 months GF, and 159 days smoke free! Thanks friend for all of your support and advice.  Sometimes I didn’t want to really hear what you were telling me, but I listened, and you are a good teacher!! Take care!!  Have a good day!!!Seize all the good things in life

[p]

Oh wow Bettie you girls are going to have a ball.. i didnt know you smoked hehe.. i hope you both have a wonderful time, now nice to see two recovering cg’s going to have some fun
 P – Living and Learning

[غير معروف]

Hi Guys-bettie here-on Jules pc.
Just back from dinner, watching a movie. having a drink.
Where’s the chat??
peace
bettie

[p]

Oh hey Bettie on Jules pc how wonderful.. hope you girls are having a fun time, the chat is not open???
 P – Living and Learning

[kathryn]

Hiya B,
Im sorry your trip didnt work out….
Im sure you and Jules are having/had a wonderful time.
Hope to catch you soon on chat, ive missed you girl!!!!!
Love Kathryn xxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[p]

Hi Bettie
Where are you?? Probably recovering from all the fun you had with Jules right hehhe.. you girls are so funny, hope you enjoyed the movie.. how was it?  See you soon, miss seeing you in chat these days
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just recovering from a long weekend. Had a really nice time with Jules (thanks Jules!) the left Sunday morning to go camping with my 2 brothers and 3 nieces. Too bad they were camping this week instead of last but we crammed in a lot of sillyness in 24 hours.
Getting ready for work-yuck!-but better than not having a job for sure.
Have a great gf day!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, Glad you had a good weekend with friends and family!!!  That’s what life is all about!!! Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[p]

Hi Bettie glad to hear of your fun filled weekend.. way to go girl.. see it all worked out in the end.. wahooo
 P – Living and Learning

[pumkin113b]

Hey Bettie — I missed you on GT. There’s a group over at SH so come over there if you want! I’m just directing traffic at GT lol.     Pumkin

[kathryn]

Glad to see a post from you B,
Hope work isnt toooo stressful.
We need a catch up, unfortunately im working all weekend…ugh.
Anyway, talk soon,
Love Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Am I getting lazy or what? I used to post everyday and now I seem to be down to just a couple of days. Is that good or bad? I’ve no idea.
I have my meeting tonight and will start planning my 1 year pinning. Still seems sureal to me. In 3 days I’ll have 11 months clean. I remember this time last year, fighting with myself on a daily basis, in denial of the fact the I could never gamble again. Well I will restate that, I can gamble however it would be an absolute disaster . Gambling is not an option, complancy will eventually cause a relasp. I read every day even if I don’t post. I have a long way to go and I’ll get there, odaat.
Well, time to get ready for work. Got a cool email today-enjoy!
Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest:  Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400.00 in your  private account for your use.
 However,this prize has rules, just as any game has certain rules. The first set of rules would be:
 
     
     Everything that you didn’t spend during each day would be taken away from you. 
 
 
     
    You may not simply transfer money into some other account.
 
 
 
       You may only spend it. 
 
 
 
 
  
Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400.00 for that day.  
  
The  second set of rules:
 

   
    The bank can end the game without warning; at any time  it can say, Its over,the game is over!  It can  close the account  and you will not receive a new one.
 

         What would you personally do?
 
 
 
   
You would buy anything and everything you wanted right?  Not only for yourself, but for all people you love, right?  Even for people you don’t know, because you couldn’t  possibly spend it all on yourself, right?  You would try to spend every cent, and use it all, right?
 
        ACTUALLY This  GAME is  REALITY!
 
  Each of us is in possession of such a magical  bank. We just can’t seem to see it.
 
                The MAGICAL BANK is TIME!
 
Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life, and when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is  NOT credited to us. 
 
   
What we haven’t lived up that day is forever  lost.
 
Yesterday is forever gone.
 

Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank  can dissolve your account at any time….WITHOUT  WARNING.
 
SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400  seconds?
 
Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount in dollars.. 
 
    
Think about that, and always think of this:
 
Enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you  think.
 
So take care of yourself, be Happy, Love Deeply and enjoy life!
 
Here’s wishing you a wonderful and beautiful day. 
 
 
 
    Start spending. 

peace
bettie 
 
 

 

 

[tambo]

Hi Betty,
11 months in 3 days, that is so great, big pat on the back for that. Im just at 4 days….but Im sure it will be 5 now. Thanks so much for showing us the email. Wow! that is way too cool
Have a good day at work, keep positve and calm.One last chance

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hey tambo glad you enjoyed the post, hope you are well into your day 5 and moving foward.
The services for my neighbor was today. His brother had a friend, a blind Irish ballad singer peform at the Mass and the lunchion. They started with "Morning has broken" by Cat Stevens, they sang the "Song of St Francis" "Amazing Grace" and – the one that got me- some Irish balad at the end. I haven’t been to Mass since my brothers funeral and I was a row ahead of my sister and nieces. I lost it on the last song and my niece came to me and rubbed my back and let me cry on her shoulder. His brothers spoke of some nice memories with him and his sister read a beautiful poem.I must say it was a moving and wonderful service befitting the man who loved nature and was a friend to everyone who ever met him. At a Catholic funeral they hand out rememberance cards. I have one with an Galic Cross on it with the following verse:
Grieve not…nor speak of me with tears…but laugh and talk of me…as though i were beside you.
I loved you so…’twas Heven here with you.
lovely, don’t you think?
peace
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
Yeah i thought those words were beautiful.. hope you have a good day today Bettie.. see you soon hopefully for a chat and a cuppa across the seas hehe
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well big new story-a new casino is opening in the area, It is amazing to me that it’s all over the news. All opening a new casino will do around here is take players from other local casinos ( they are hoping those that go to Indiana ) and of course create more crime and heartbreak for those of us "with the problem." I guess they just don’t want to talk about that stuff, not glamorous or attractive at all!
I did finally get to see the movie "Going for Broke". It’s from 1993 and stars Delta Burke. I have been looking for it for a while but it was never released on dvd in the States. I watched it on youtube – in 7 parts -the picture was not great and the acting is a bit cheesey but the message is quite real. I would recommend it . I found the actions of the people truthful as it was based on a true story.
gotta run.
peace
bettie

[finding_laura]

Happy 11 months Bettie.  I would be shouting it in big coloured letters but i feel rather solomn after catching up on the last few days of your thread.  Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your touching posts.  Good reminders for us all that each day is a gift.  You’ve been through some emotional and tough times without gambling.  11 months worth. That is truly amazing Bettie.  May you continue to grow and flourish in your recovery and your life.  The Bettie I know is a wonderful person who deserves the best for herself.  Whether others in her life let her know that or not.  That is their problem not yours.  Gee I feel like you should  get the day off of work or something lol.  You are doing great Bettie, on second thought
Wohoooooooo
Happy 11 MONTHS
Gamble FREE
Love Laura xoxo

[vera]

Was that final hymn sung in Irish B? Maybe "Ag Criost an Siol"? It’s a very haunting dirge. Google it on you tube.It says we are the seed who will be brought to the barn at harvest time. The fish who will be saved in the net. The people who will be held in God’s arms and taken finally to His home…much deeper meaning in the Native tongue but thats the bones of it. Often sung at Irish Masses.
Jay O D’s soul goes marching on. His memory will haunt you forever. May he rest in peace!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, Congrads on your 11 months gamble free time.  I remember seeing  that movie Going Broke, and I though wow, who does something like that!!!  Hello!!!!  I thought it was really truthful in the way the casino hooked her with a big win, and she kept chasing the win.  That’s what happens with most of us.  Another casino?  The economy is supposed to be soo bad, obviously the casinos are still taking in the money.  Well Bettie, keep up the good work!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes Lizbeth, one of the lead stories today-the traffic jam getting into the new casino. Lines inside and lines outside. There has been an advertizing blitz for all the other local casinos. Funny, because all I think about when I bother to look at one of those comercials is how much money I would have wasted in the past. $700 worth of pain-at least. I work very hard and have to put up with a lot of nonsense to make $700-So NOT worth it.
Vera my brother was over and we walked past my neighbors condo. He mentioned how lonely the place looked and how weird it must be for me because it’s hard for him. It is strange that we leave but our "stuff" is still around. It will be very very strange when his truck is gone-his assigned parking space is next to mine. I’ll have to google that song. The words sounded familar but I was busy weeping and couldn’t hear much. It was beautiful, that I remember.
Laura you are such a sweetie! You are right-I do deserve a day off-lol! I do think I will request the weekend off when I have my pinning next month. It is funny how the time has passed. I have had a lot of adversity this last year, but I think it’s no more than usual. My life has always been a bit off-and you know what? Thats ok. As John Lennon sang, "Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans".
Thanks for the well wishes. ODAAT, may we all feel the rewards that recovery brings. It works if you work it and your worth it so work it!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Got a call at work today from my "CG" buddy-he calls to try to get us to pay his mortgage because he’s overdrawn-big time. I consult my boss and he agrees as long as he gets the deposit in before 10am. We returned his car payment. The life of an active cg is not an easy one.
He’s calls me back later to make sure we paid then asks what i’ve been up to-and asks if I’VE BEEN TO THE NEW CASINO YET! I told him no, and I would NEVER see the inside. He say’s "Oh yea-you don’t gamble anymore".
Maybe he’s finally getting it.
bettie

[غير معروف]

Gosh, I sure don’t miss those overdrawn days!  I still may have huge debt, but I haven’t been overdrawn for quite some time.  Not to say I won’t be at some point, but I sure hope not! If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I felt soo sad when you were talking about your CG friend who is overdrawn and worried about his mortgage payment being rejected.  I hated those over-drawn days.  I haven’t overdrawn our accounts since I started my recovery over 8 months ago.  What a vicious circle!!!  Thanks for sharing, I can relate, and remember, and not get complacent.Seize all the good things in life

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie…how are you liking this heat?  Ughhhh!!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

The heat is just lovely! NOT!
I would stay home today but I have some work that can’t wait. Having some issues-physical-and really should stay home but I have too much to do.
Packing a lunch-don’t plan to leave the building unless I just have to.
bettie

[tambo]

Hi Bettie,
Sorry to hear you are having some physical issues. Hope all well apart from that. Could you send just a little bit of that heat over to the UK….please
Keep strong and positiveOne last chance (again!)

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, these dust storms suck!!!  Hopefully, we will get some rain later this week, so it can settle down the dirt!!  I saw where you are having a heat wave.  Stay inside as much as you can and stay cool.  2 months today at Curves- lost 2 more lbs, and more inches.  Besides feeling more healthy, exercising is helping me in my gambling recovery.  Sounds strange, but I seem to have less urges since I’ve been going to Curves.  Maybe it’s all in my head.  LOL!!  Take care and stay cool!!!Seize all the good things in life

[jazz55]

Hey Bettie.  I’m over on SH, logged into Ladies Meeting and no one’s there.  🙁   If you’re around, come chat with me!!…I No Longer SUPPORT Casinos

[p]

Hi Bettie
Hope you are feeling ok soon with your physical things going on.. It is winter over here but still nice and sunny.. sounds like its a hot one for you there hey.. hope to see you soon in chat
 P – Living and Learning

[finding_laura]

Morning Bettie,
see we are both on posting  away.  Temperatures have come up a little, at least we are into the twenties now, but we are getting a lot of showers and the weather is just very unsettled, they don’t know what it will do from one day to the next.  I was watching on TV where they were saying this is a heat sheiled affect, you are on the inside of the big heat shield which started all the way down in Texas, and I am on the outside of the shield stuck in the cooler unsettled air.  Figuring it is going to be another week before the shield is punctured so to speak and the streams mix together.  So that was my weather lesson I’m sharing lol, any cooler?  Are you off today?  I am but have an appointment later and so much to do as well.  You know my famous spreadsheets!  Have a good day Bettie and hope you are feeling better.  Talk soon hopefully.
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Lizbeth u made me laugh. "Maybe it’s all in my head" Better there than in your behind! lol! Exercise releases endorfins so yes-it will help with urges. Just another plus. I won’t make it to my curves yet again, another "cycle" from h*ll and I do believe I am headed for a surgical intervention. Very close to an ER trip tuesday, need to call my girlie DR today.
Sorry I missed you on SH Jazzy-got your messege but you were gone by the time I got there. Maybe soon? Lets hope so.
Much better P but weak-this heat doesn’t help. It should start changing tomorrow-cooling off. This weather is typical July weather however we don’t usually string so many 90f plus days in a row. I only have one air conditioner so i am closing off two rooms so it doesn’t work so hard. Mr Jingles will be mad-he loves the guest room-but he will be ok .
Well today is quite the annivisary. Jen was hit my a car while we were on vacation this day in 1994. 17 years have past, hardly seems right. When we went through that tragedy the grief was so overwhelming. I kept telling myself "a year will be gone before you know it, and life will get back to "normal". I had to call my supervisor at that time-I was devestated-and she told me,"bettie-you are a very strong person, stronger than you know-and you will get through this."
I have had to use those same thoughts and words in my recovery-almost a year has passed-and I am stronger than I know. Sometimes the greiving for my "gambling life" was so strong-trying to draw me back in. Things are pretty cool right now and I am greatful for that. I am also aware that those feeling will most likely come back but now I have the tools to work those thoughts and feelings.
Keep working recovery and things will fall into place. I have to remind myself of that too.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

LOL Laura!
Looks like you posted to me when i posted and posted to Jules the same time i was typing! lol!
Great CG minds think alike!
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

The heat is just lovely! NOT! …

Good morning Bettie,
Just a few words to let you know that I am also sharing in your distaste for the heat. And then to read the post of others that are wishing for some of it, I sat they can have it, and caution them to "be careful of what you wish for".
This same thought may be passing through your mind, that in the past we would be soaking up the air conditioning it the local casino — letting them spend their money for the high electric bill, NOT!  The hell that we would be returning to has a more burning and consuming heat, ? "It’s Too Darn Hot" ?; much hotter than the temperatures that mainly cause some discomfort.
God’s speed. Stay cool, in every way.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie, You have been truly an inspiration for me since I started my recovery journey. Congratulations on 11 months of recovery. Reading through your thread, I see that a lot of "life" has happened during those eleven months, yet you have managed to stop the insanity of gambling during your trials and tribulations. I hope that you can get your physical issues dealt with soon. I’m excited for the one year mark for you. Carole
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Should be sleeping but waiting for my bed room to cool down. I have 1 sleeve air conditioner and it’s in the front room. It is usually enough but it is old and i have a big fan blowing cool air in my room so i can sleep in there tonight. If this keeps up I will have to go to the basement and get the air mattress. Way too old to sleep on the floor. Tried that last night-not a real restful night. I even took an evening swim-water was way too warm, felt like I was swiming in other peoples sweat! YUCK! Larry is right-be careful what you wish for, It’s like hot dogs breath outside. (not hotdog breath-lol!)
So many new folks around these days. Sorry to see you have "the problem" but glad you are seeking the soloution.
I am moving along my step 2 and closing in on 3. I am looking foward to my step 4. It’s time to totally rid myself of a couple really bad habits I have, and a self defeating "relationship" I am still accepting from the "fwb". He called yesterday, he was all alone. I was out and had to call him back. By that time he was no longer alone-and I was just an afterthought after all. ( seemed odd that he would call me and it was still daylight outside) I still accept this treatment from him but it is different than it was a year ago-when he told me that any man would have a hard time accepting that I was a cg, it would be a real turn off. I was crushed when he said that to me. True as that might be wouldn’t that be an indicator that I had met the wrong person? I guess my point is his lack of calling me back last night really didn’t bother me. I am to the point I can take him or leave him. Now I just have to leave him. I am hoping step 4 will help me find the strength to do what has to be done. This "friend" is no "friend" at all.
Ok time to hit the sack!
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I was just watching the weather channel, Chicago is going to get some relief from the heat in the next few days. Yeah! Swimming doesn’t help here either, it’s like warm bath water.  LOL!!  I’m glad about how you are feeling about your friend.  You deserve better. Take care and keep cool!! Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just finished a workout-45 minuits alone with my thoughts. That alone can be frightening and add some jumping around to make you sweat and it is quite a combo. Yes it has cooled off a bit Lizbeth, air conditioner working better, thank you God!
Time alone to ponder life-what I’m doing, where I’m going. Tired of the reply-nothing. That is something I can change.
I did get the inspiration to work out from the ladies at the plus size shop I frequent. I walked in with one of their dresses on and 3 of the clerks and one customer commented on how nice I looked in the dress. One went so far as to admire my legs! I told her not to be fooled-as I had pantyhose on ( I call them leg girdles )! So I thought to myself yes I do have shapely legs and then I remembered the 3 years I spent working out almost daily, and the improvement that I made in that time and the improvement I could still make, just by taking care of me. ( Which I should be doing anyway ). I decited that I will just have to force myself to get up and get to curves before work. I did feel better and look better when I did better, so there you go. Random thoughs from an endorfin flooded brain! LOL!
Well I need to pick up and maybe plan to go out later.
peace
bettie
 

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie, I’ve always wanted to ask you what fwb stands for. I can’t be the only one that doesn’t know, can I? I wish I could say that with recovery comes a whole new life, but sadly what I have found is that recovery accentuates the things that are out of balance in our life. So not only are we coping with having given up escaping through gambling, we still have the day to day problems to contend with. And then we have the problems that drove us to gamble in the first darn place. I wish I could say I was a different person since I got into recovery. I wish I could say I was a happier person since I got into recovery. I’m happy that I’m in recovery though because the alternative sucks. Did you hear that Amy Windhouse died at age 27, possibly of an accidental drug overdose? Carole

[bettie]

Oh Carole,
 Very sad about Amy – what a waste.
"FWB" Friends with benifits-there is a new movie out with that title too. Looks funny-wish my "fwb" looked like Justin Timberlake! lol! As Vera would say just a fancy name for a looser/user. It’s to the point that there is no benifit to me and my recovery and friendship? Now thats a joke. I’ve been reduced to "dirty little secret" and yet I still wish he had called today. What is wrong with this picture?
As for life getting better-well I wish that was the case however as my sponsor would say"welcome to your feelings"
because they run fast and thick and frankly hurt like h*ll at times, but it is not all bad.
There is a difference though Carole. I am facing, addressing, confronting and letting things go. Thats what recovery has given me. For that I am thankful. The Serenity Prayer is becoming a way of life.
Oprah said on her last show that all addicts had one thing in common. Our addiction stems from our feelings of unworthyness. Some where along the way something happened to us, physical, mental, abuse, that made us feel less than we were ment to be. Gambling itself is not the illiness-it’s how we, as compulsive addicts-escape our feeling or try to fill our brains with those feel good endorfins. No different than drugging, drinking, sexing or the million other ways people with these awful feeling try to escape.
Just call me Houdini-master of escape!
But really Carole even with all the crap the goes on it’s just life happening. My road is different than yours, but we have a common thread. When I am feeling down I try to remember the following:
The 12 GA Promises

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experience can benefit others.
The feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook towards life will change.
Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that G-D is doing for us that we could not do for ourselves.    
 
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialise if we work for them.
 
peace
bettie– 7/24/2011 6:00:52 AM: post edited by bettie.

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Friends With Benefits! I can’t see that working for us females as we are emotional creatures. For me anyway it’s about an emotional connection, so if I was single, I would find that unfullfilling, though know please, that I am not judging you. Many of us wounded ducks, including myself, seek out emotionally unavailable men, which for me is a pattern from childhood. Not only were my parents emotionally unavailable, they were abusive. My husband is not my friend nor does the marriage come with "benefits." I went for a Pap test the other day and told Danny that it was the most action, I’ve had for a long time. Now that’s pretty sad! When you are ready, you will kick the fwb to the curb. You deserve so much better. Carole 

[tambo]

Hi Bettie,
I hope all is well with you, just sending you best wishes. Been reading the last couple of entries in your Journal. Some pretty deep stuff there and very interesting views on life and recovery from gambling (not sure I quite understand it all )
Anyway thanks for posting, and sharing your thoughts, there is real depth in your posts. Take care.
Keep strong and positive.
T One last chance (again!)

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Very strange day at work. An SUV came crashing through the side of the bank. I had just left my desk to call the next customer, heard the boom then saw the front end of the vehicle knock over the file cabinet and glass crashing everywhere! Just like one of those videos of the worlds worse drivers. They didn’t even close the branch, just boarded it up. Everyone OK.
The new assistant-she has a real way of rubbing me the wrong way. She is trying to micro manage me and she is on a power trip. I was going to say something to her but I was too upset. She is treating me like it’s my first week on the job. So tired of keeping my mouth shut. My boss is no real support but I fear she is telling him her side and I want to get my side in! Paronoid is not good-not good at all!
Off to bed!
peace
bettie

[got2quit]

 "Stuck in the middle-right where I put myself." old habits die hard lol
good talking to you this weekend

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Hey G2q, I know that place! Stinks doesn’t it? I so hate sitting in the messes I make.
Got my semi annual review today. All in all-not bad! See, since my sales are up I am wonder woman and I get credit for all I do. Funny how the things the new asstistant has been on me about I was rated all "a’s" on. Well I did have a long talk with two people wiser than myself and they both independently said the they see the problem as her being imtimitated by me. I never think of myself as being intimidating as I feel like such a push over. I have taken a second look at my reactions to her and I need to take a further step back and give her more space. It seems her "mananging me" is just feeding into her need to establish her authority, I get that. I know I have a rough demeanor when you don’t know me. That a defense that is in line with my need to stay safe by pushing people back. Another flaw on my part and something to work on.
I’m getting so smart I can’t stand myself! lol!
Oh, got asked out on a date by a customer and I said yes. He is very nice and quite the gentleman. Sorry to say if he wants more than true friendship he will be dissapointed. I am begining to consider what I would want in a real relationship and right now I know I am not ready for anything more than friendship.
Not settling for less than my hearts desire anymore. Need to wait for Mr Right and run from Mr Right Now!
peace
bettie– 7/28/2011 10:01:32 AM: post edited by bettie.

[غير معروف]

Awesome Bettie on your date!  Go have a nice dinner and enjoy yourself!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[p]

Oh my Bettie, a date!!! wahoooo you go girl, hehe.. good on you.. I really loved the group we were in today, it was really wonderful to hear all the shares and it really helped me today, glad you were part of it.. you are an inspiration Bettie… see you soon, and i want to hear all about that date ok..
 P – Living and Learning

[female g]

Oh date night ., do tell, have fun you deserve the good times G

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, I just peeked in on your thread to see what your up to.  A date, awesome!!!  Have a nice dinner, and just enjoy yourself. There are no strings attached, have a good time!!Seize all the good things in life

[p]

Hey miss B
How was the date???? nice to see you again in chat lately, have missed you
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

OMG!
Anyone who has ever read this thread knows my chances of getting through a date is almost as good as hitting the lottery! LOL!
Well I can’t say this one is all his fault, as he says he got called into work-after I had left a message saying I had forgotten a family obligation, which I had.
And so it goes.
Up early today and have been up early all week it seems. I may wind up at the doctors with this cough, it’s really bad and I am waking up because of it.
I had a couple beers with my brother yesterday and it’s funny how that made me think about gambling. I have been cautious about drinking because of that very reason. The rituals that we establish during our gambling careers die hard, as toward the end I almost could not gamble unless I was drinking.
Sleep or coffee? That is the question.
peace
bettie

[finding_laura]

morning miss B,
I see I have just missed you!  Hopefully you were able to get back to sleep.  I’m up a little earlier today.  Thank god I established some better rituals like GT with my morning coffee.  Seems busy days have kept me away from that ritual but some vacation time should hopefully remedy that! The date. Hmmmm.  Self fulfilling prophecy?  
Well I see you decided on the coffee 🙂  LOL be right there
xo

[got2quit]

Originally posted by bettie

 
Of all the things in my life I must say I’ve never felt lower than I do right now. I am being threatned with forclusure and I haven’t been ontime with a bill in months. I filed bankrupcy last year and have to face what got me there. ( i have also been faced with forclure  and am now stressed out about were i going to live with no money and just 1 day a week job, currently my husband has his own bussiness and keeps his pricess very low to keep customers coming back)
 I went to Atlantic City when I was 19, I looked older, and spent the whole day on $50 bucks, food included. What a blast! ( this points out to me as well at you age too, haveing lived in New England for most of my life it all began with a friend that was a CG still i didn’t take caution, )
I could go on and on with you story, i see your story in me and things that have happened also in my before i got here to this now in my life.
thank you so much for your story…. Once again i acknowledge that i didn’t get here over night.

[bettie]

Hi Guys, Hi GTQ,
Funny how we are all so similar isn’t it? I "know" you even though I don’t "know" you.
Well cough is a bit better and I am back to work. Weather has taken a break-more normal temps for this time of the year. Swam with the baby great niece and my niece yesterday. So So cute that baby-she loved the water.
Well got to get to work-rather go back to bed.
peace
bettie

[howanan]

Hi Bettie,  Thanks for stopping in on my thread.  Yeah, I know what you mean, some mornings I just don’t want to get up.  I’m okay once I get up and started though.  Have a great day at work Bettie……..Take care…Nancy

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Busy week this week, my sister, nieces and great niece were over for a swim two nights in a row. The baby is 16 months old now-time truely flies! She’s as cute as a button!
My daughter was over last night. Her BF was given 1 ticket from a friend for a concert at the casino. She says to me "I wish you were not in ga so u could go to the casino with me." The girl is almost 30,and still she doesn’t get it. I told her ga or not I am excluded and not legaly allowed to set foot on the property. Why doesn’t she get it? I have been on the fence about her coming to my pinning. I am afraid she will just think it is so stupid or I’m not like "those" people.
My sister is bent out of shape because my sister in law and two nieces are staying with her for a couple of days. I did not know they were coming yesterday and I thought they would stay till Sunday and I would get a chance to see her Saturday. Seems that they are leaving Saturday am. If I skip my meeting tonight I will drive 45 minutes to see them for maybe 1 hour.
Oh well, it is what it is.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Busy busy day. My sister in law came over last night and i took her, my niece and my sister in laws boyfriend to dinner. We had a really nice time. My niece looks so much like my deceased brother! It is almost frightening. She acts like him too!
Sponsor came over to my place today for the very first time. My neighbors brother was cleaning out some stuff and and I got 2 really cute tables and a lamp. I also got a "Thingmaker" from the 1960’s. So cool! My cousin had one and I loved to play with it. You make molded plastic figures. Look it up on Ebay for a big laugh-this version is a "Creeple Peeple" version. I feel like a little kid looking at it. We were headed to the thrift when we ran into him. Funny because she took a bunch of stuff and filled up her car!
All in all a very big week for me. I have had visitors every night-and got so many complements on how cute my little condo is. Makes me want to get that guest room cleared out.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

 
 
 Hi Guys,
Just working on some readings for my pinning. I found this early in my GT days and it means alot to me. It helped me understand myself a bit better.
   
I copied this from Marilee’s thread. It speaks so much truth ( at least to me ) that I almost cried when I read it.
I would recomend having someone to whom you are trying to explain this illiness to read it.
Thanks Marilee, hope you are ok where ever you are. 
  
It often crosses my mind that being an addict is like trying to communicate with a deaf world.  You are trying and trying to say the words, but no one can hear you.  It is a disease of incredible loneliness, isolation, secrecy, fear and depression.  Since you don’t walk with crutches, have a cast, bandages or bruises, others do not know you are sick. In the beginning, you don’t know you are sick either.  It may be more visible to others who notice your mood, your unhappiness, your withdrawal, than it is to you.  Make no mistake – the denial of a problem is protecting the addict from a pain they are not ready to handle.  With all addictions, moving from denial is a risky process.  It involves putting your relationships, your self-esteem, your sanity on the line.  To get from denial to acknowledgement, those who surround you need to understand this:  gambling is NOT about the money.  Money is only the tool that helps us continue to use a coping mechanism to deal with negative emotions.  The power of the addiction is that, in the beginning, this tool worked amazingly well.  In the beginning, a casino feels like a safe place.  No one asks anything of you, the lights and noise distract your thoughts, for one hour or ten, you have nothing to do but sit and press a button that randomly rewards you.  Go back to any Psychology 101 class and you will find that it is proven that random rewards are far more powerful in sustaining the behavior.  This would be an ideal solution, except that – like an alcoholic who needs more and more alcohol to get drunk – a gambler needs to go more often to shut off the negative emotions and the anxiety, depression and despair that those emotions cause.  Eventually, the financial losses accumulate, and you add yet another layer of problems to the many you already couldn’t cope with.  In many ways, it is easier to see the financial problems as the only ones you really have.  There isn’t a gambler out there who doesn’t say "if only I could win $10,000 my problems would be solved".  Well, they would be solved on one level – relief from the stress of unpaid bills, collection calls, legal action – but the reasons why you gamble have not been addressed and you would begin the cycle all over again.
Gamblers are both alike and different.  We are alike because we have chosen a coping mechanism for psychological pain that, without question, will lead to financial ruin, destruction of relationships and often death.  We are alike because we all play a negative tape in our heads – "I am stupid", "I am worthless", "If anyone really knew me they would not love me"; and on and on it goes.  We are only different in the life situations that cause us to have the negative emotions.
What can those who are close to a gambler do?  Perhaps it is easier to list what I believe they should not do.  Do not judge, belittle or demean us.  That is what we do to ourselves in our head.  Words like "shocked" "disappointed" "angry" will not help us.  They will increase the negative emotions, and increase the drive to release that pressure by gambling more.  Do not place the blame for your emotions on us.  "You hurt me because you lied" "You have taken my trust".  We can’t deal with our own emotions, how in God’s name are we supposed to deal with yours?  Those close to a gambler need to work concurrently with us – find your own outlet and help for your emotions while we are dealing with ours.  We are not indifferent to how those around us are feeling, we are simply not capable of helping them.  Do not expect a gambler to tell you why they gamble.  For some it is a lifelong pursuit to understand it themselves.  At a minimum, it is a lengthy process of uncovering the many things in their past that brought them here.  Do not expect a gambler to just stop once they have acknowledged the gambling.  You are an addict for life.  Recovery often involves relapse.  Think of it this way – if someone tells you that you can never, ever have chocolate again, wouldn’t you run around and binge on it before it was gone?  A gambler is losing the only crutch they have and it is very scary.  Until other, different and healthy coping mechanisms are in place, we are terrified to be without our gambling crutch.
What can you do?  Always, always have compassion.  Someone you love is in terrible pain.  If they had a physical disease, you would unquestionably be there to support them.  But they have an emotional disease – and they need you even more.  Tell them you love them, need them, and want to suppport them to get well.  Don’t threaten them – "If you gamble again I am leaving".  Unless of course that is how you really feel.  If so, say it, mean it, do it.  This is an intensive battle for the gambler’s life.  If you’re not in it for the long haul, then get out of the way.  It is okay to place reasonable conditions on your support  – "I’ll drive you to your meetings but I won’t give you money" – but that doesn’t mean your love can be conditional. 
Respect the gambler.  There is no dignity in this disease.  We have spent a long time and a lot of energy creating a false mask for others in order to hide our disease and our pain.  Admitting you are an addict takes more courage than most people will ever know.  We deserve to be respected for this.
It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….
Looking for the Wisdom

[caron]

Hi Bettie, That story was profound.  Thanks for posting it.  My daughter is 34.  we used to go to the casino together.  she could take it or leave it.  She asked me the other day if I went to Vegas would I gamble.  That’s insaine.  of course I would.  What would be the point of going there lol.  anyway, I know how you feel.

[joe ser123]

Wanted to say that story is so true in so many ways, thanks again, peace too all.
Joe

[bettie]

 
Hi Guys,
I think this will be the 2nd reading.
bettie
In Between

Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in between.

One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don’t want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.

This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.

Being in between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush.

Being in between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.

We may have many feelings going on when we’re in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what’s ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.

Being in between isn’t fun, but it’s necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we’re standing still, but we’re not. We’re standing at the in between place. it’s how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.

We are moving forward, even when we’re in between.

Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990
 
 
 

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! I love what you borrowed from Marilee’s thread. It says it all. Hope you’re having a great day! Carole

[female g]

good read and I agree with alot of it. The Rebel in me would argue with some of it but its intent is what matters for sure. Thanks Bettie G

[p]

Hi Bettie
Thanks for posting those things, mind you i had to read it 3 times over before i realized what i was reading.. hmm this brain of mine is trying hard to wake up today, maybe time for a coffeee.. heheheh
hope to see you round again soon.. love to see you in chat
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

 
Hi Guys,
Glad you guys like the posts-you know I got them from here on GT.
I think this will be the 3rd and final reading-a classic in my book!
ENOUGH!

A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always
fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh,what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive,how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power
and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love…. and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms… just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely…

You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK…. and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want…and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch… and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve… and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time… FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get
what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful
and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God (whatever you believe him/her to be) by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

— AUTHOR UNKNOWN
(But dearly appreciated)
 
peace
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Wish I could go back to bed but no rest for the weary.
I’ve been lazy about posting but not too much to talk about when you have not been dooing too much.
Finally went to the doctor about this cough. Bronchitis that has gone on for two weeks. I feel worn out but I am not coughing so that is good.
Debating going to work, I should go but I really should rest. I will make up my mind in the next 30 minutes.
peace
bettie– 8/12/2011 12:24:28 PM: post edited by bettie.

[howanan]

Bettie,  Hope you will be feeling better soon.  Are you on antibiotics?  Do you work weekends?  If not make sure you stay home and get plenty of rest.  Nancy

[bettie]

Thanks for thinking of me Nancy.
Yes i am on antibiotics. I do work tomorrow but we will see if I go. I need to because I asked for next weekend off. I am glad I stayed home. Just had a coughing fit-not pretty. Glad it didn’t happen at work!
bettie

[pumkin113b]

Hope you’re feeling well soon bettie.   pumkin

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, Hope you are feeling better today!  Thanks for your post.  I am doing okay, I went to a GA meeting last night.  I am ready to fight the fight again!!!  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
So glad I stayed home. Sorry that i have to miss my meeting tonight but I think I am feeling worse! Weak,chest feeling heavy, coughing fits every couple hours. I will ring the doctor back in the morning if I am not feeling better. I may have to go for that x ray after all. It’s warm but I just have the fan going. I think the air makes it worse.
bettie

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! Sorry to hear you’re so sick, and hope you feel better really soon. Your one year gamble free celebration is around the corner and you have to be well in order to enjoy it as much as you deserve to. Carole

[غير معروف]

Hope you are feeling better soon friend!  Go to the emergency room if you have to, but take care of yourself!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[p]

Hi Bettie
Sorry you are unwell my son has exact same thing for 2 weeks its horrible.. get well soon ok
 P – Living and Learning

[bettie]

Thanks Guys!
Finally feeling a bit better. Took off work again today and I am off tomorrow so that will help.
FWB called to ask how i was. Wow-I am impressed. Would have been better had he called back yesterday and brought me some soup but I can take him or leave him now. Thats some BIG improvement for me. I used to live and die by every word he spoke. It seems he is not importaint to me. That has been an unexpected gift of recovery, an ounce of self esteem, confidence, and less stress. Life is life you know, but it doesn’t defeat me like it used to. Surrender and trusting that my "Higher Power" – "God" – will handle things that used to baffle me has been amazing! Here I have been trying so hard for so many years to control people, places and things only to find that when I let that go I find the soloutions!
I should be headed to sleep but may be up a while yet. I have been sleeping for days and now find myself wide awake!
peace
bettie
 

[lynn]

Hi Bettie,
I see what you mean bout posting when there’s not too much going on. It’s good to know you are feeling a little better. I found that ginger and honey mix with green tea is very soothing for cough.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the tip lynn. I am a little stuffy this morning but so far so good.
I had a gambling dream last night. Haven’t had one of those in a very long time. I was with my daughter and was looking for someplace to cash in a ticket of some kind. I was telling her we needed to just leave with the money and not play it. Then the cat meowed in my face and woke me up. Still didn’t gamble in the dream. Very strange dream.
I think I am going to try to workout. I have done it for at least two weeks. So hard to get motovated to move but I really need to do it.
Have a lovely Sunday.
peace
bettie

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
sorry i missed you this morning.  Hope you are feeling better B.  If you are working out take it slow.  Not sure if working out with bronchitis is recommended!??
Not much to say here either B but wanted you to know i was by to check on you.  ((( Bettie )))  Feel good.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, Take it easy with the exercising while your sick.  I know it sucks just laying around, but your body is telling you that you need to take it easy and rest.  Find a good book, some soup, and vegg today.  Hope you start feeling better soon!!  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Feeling better but still  not well. Working tomorrow but I am off the rest of the week.
No worries about working out. Just getting dressed and going to work is workout enough.
Just saw a news story. A Priest from a local parish got probation for stealing 295 thousand from the Church coffers to gamble on the riverboats here.
This is a sick disease. It can take anyone down.
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! Sorry to hear that you’re feeling under the weather. Lots of viruses going round this time of year, and allergies and sinus problems. Gambling can enslave anyone, and it’s sad about the priest, but hopefully he can turn his addiction to something good, like helping others with gambling problems, at some point. Hubby is home for 7 days and returns to work on Friday. I liked it better when he was home for 4 days at a time. My coping skills aren’t that developed yet. Carole

[bettie]

Originally posted by bettie

Hi Guys,
P, Laura, Vera, the list is endless. I feel your love, i really do. Too bad I can’t channel that love into love for myself.
I am ashamed to admit that I did just exactly what I shouldn’t do. I tried to escape into the casino and as usual it solved nothing.
I am sorry for my slip but truth be told I want to go again. It is as I always thought it would be, I miss having some place to run to when I want to escape.
There are better ways to deal with life besides running to the casino, I know that. I have to work harder, I have to want recovery more than I do, I have to want a better life, a different life than the one I’ve been living because this one is leading to destruction. I am scared to leave the "known" for the "unknown". that little nagging voice in my head tells me it will never be better, nothing and no one is waiting for you.
But i am a gambler, why not take the chance for something better?
bettie
It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….
Looking for the Wisdom
         Hello,
         My name is Bettie-Greatful Recovering Compulsive Gambler, last day gambled 8-18-2010.
         The post above is from 8-19-2010, the day after the last day I gambled. So filled with pitty and remorse, so
         sorry to post that I blew it yet again.
         How things have changed!
        
The 12 GA Promises

We will be amazed before we are half way through.  (I am amazed every day)
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. (I see things more clearly now)
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. ( If not for the past I would not be here now)
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.(I am calm when i used to be fearful) 
No matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experience can benefit others. (I freely share my story)
The feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. ( I am quite productive and talented)
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. ( I strive to do the right thing)
Self-seeking will slip away. (I do things for others because i want to-i don’t seek out rewards)
Our whole attitude and outlook towards life will change. ( I have value)
Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. ( I have all that I need)
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. ( I am more mature )
We will suddenly realize that GoD is doing for us that we could not do for ourselves. (AMEN)   
 
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialise if we work for them.
To all my cyber friends, my success is your success. If not for the suport and encouragement from you all I am quite sure that I would be celebrating my "one year" Today!
They say in GA that the group loves you until you can love yourself, and then they love you more! I believe the same is true for all the folks here.
Thank you all!
Much love and peace
"bettie"
 It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[غير معروف]

Nice One Bettie, I’m sure everyone is as pleased and proud for you as I am, you have come a long way, a very long way. Another special lady proving that this can be done, one day at a time.
Its a full year, what a milestone. As they say in your neck of the woods, WTG! Keep your feet on the ground though although this is a great achievement, gambling is still as dangerous as it has always been given the chance. I’m sure your awareness is tip top as always and that you’ll get through today, just as you did yesterday.
Well done Bettie.
Geordie.
Because recovery is priceless; I dont gamble.– 18/08/2011 06:55:55: post edited by geordie18.

[vera]

Well done Bettie and thanks for all the support you have given me throughout recovery.
You ve come a long way!

[desdemona]

Dearest Bettie! How proud and happy you must be to have made it to your year anniversary of gamble free time. You inspire me that a gamble free life is possible. Wishing you only the best Bettie, always! Carole

[pumkin113b]

So happy for you Bettie! So glad u r here 🙂   Pumkin

[reds]

Hi Bettie –
WTG on one yeargamble free – I’ so happy for you – you have come so far .
Your story has inspired me – you’ll notice my signature says gambling is not an option – something you have said, I hope you don’t mind me using it !!
RedsGambling is not an option.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

Originally posted by bettie
         My name is Bettie-Greatful Recovering Compulsive Gambler, last day gambled 8-18-2010.
     

Good morning Bettie,
Well done. I am happy to be a brother-in-arms with you. You have achieved much in your time of recovery; and have provided must help to others as well.
I took the liberty to mention you as one that helped me in my recovery during my anniversary recognition, saying that not only were the "live" members of GA a source of help, but there were others that we have never met. I even used parts of the "Enough" post in my sharing, contributing my use of it to you as one of the things you were considering using in your pinning.
Again, well done.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[غير معروف]

I’m so proud of you Bettie, keep up the good work…You deserve to be good to yourself!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[finding_laura]

Bettie my friend, i too am so proud of you!  It is amazing how the days and improvements add up.  Our self esteem grows, our bills shrink and life begins to take on a new normal.  I’m grateful to know you B and look forward to another year as sisters in recovery, ODAAT of course!
Wohooooooooooooooo B!!!!
Congrats on your 1 year gamble free
xo  luv Laura

[got2quit]

Congradulation Bettie, did have a chance to say enjoy you meetings!!
celina

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, Congrads on your 1 year GF time!!  You are my hero!!! Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Thanks Everyone!!
My pinning was everything I thought it would be and more. Quite moving to say the least.
I don’t think there were many dry eyes in the room after the reading of "Marilee Story" as I have now named what I took from her thread. Thank you Marilee, where ever you are. You gave a room full of people a voice, not to mention the thousands of people who have read it here.
I did pretty well with all the attention-not something I am accustomed to. I was really suprised at all the nice things people said, how I had touched their lives. Me. Me touching peoples lives. Me with something worth saying. I kept it together-until my girl friend spoke. My sponser hosted the meeting and asked my gf, my ex gambling buddy if she wanted to say something. She only spoke a few words before she broke down. She said while my attitude and presence had changed the one thing that hadn’t changed was my heart. She cryed, I cryed, my daughter cryed, the room cryed. My daughter went next and said how glad she was that my gf made me cry-as she was afraid she would be the one who did. She told me how happy she was for me and that she was so proud of me. She pinned me after that. It was a beautiful thing. I said a few words after that. I told them about how inportaint all the tools were and that the online support I have gotten here was Godsent. Your support got me to GA. ( Esp Harry nagging me to go!) I mentioned what Charles said to me in the group yesterday. "The one year pin is the hardest to get-and the hardest to keep." Everyone agreed.
I have the weekend off and Jen is hosting my mom’s birthday tomorrow.
Sleepy rainy day.
I think I’ll just take it easy.
peace
bettie
 — 8/20/2011 3:50:41 PM: post edited by bettie.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… I said a few words after that …

Good morning Bettie,  I am enjoying the cooling off from some rain down here too, but I still have to go into work later, and I am sure that the heat will return.
As for your "few" words you spoke, even if this were accurate, the words you spoke was just as important and inspiration to those there as your post are to us here; and even thought I too was surprised at some moments at my anniversary, you have no reason to be surprised, see yourself as the others that count do.
Your friend,
Larry

Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.– 8/20/2011 5:41:52 PM: post edited by paul315.

[vera]

Hi B!
Pleased to hear you had a good pinning experience. I ve been thinking about that GA practice. You know from our conversation that I have reservations about GA and my experiences there have not been good. I hated the thought of the pinning when you mentioned it but of course my personal opinion does not in any way take fro the fact that the event was vey important for you.
If I were in your shoes I would have run out before my turn came. Why? Because I would feel a total FAKE!
Looking back on my end of year, maybe if I had "marked the occasion" it would have prevented me from drifting-or rather EXPLODING into a new gambling year.
Knowing my bad luck, they would have all continued to ***** me with pins and I would have changed into a voodoo doll!
What a *****ly bunch we CGS are!
Pin or no pin Bettie, you are a loyal supporter to me and knowing that I can call on you anytime is more important to me than you will ever know!
AGAIN WELL DONE ON YOUR AMAZING EFFORT TO GET TO WHERE YOU ARE TODAY!

[kathryn]

Hiya B,
I was teary eyed as i read your post.  My god…what an achievement.  I cannot be prouder of you, Bettie, not only are you a ‘sister in arms’, but you are my friend, you have seen me through so much, you have always always supported me and you my friend deserve every acolade.
You know i have to do it…….
WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
The biggest congratulations to you my friend.  I hope you are proud of yourself, you bloody well should be!!!!!!
Love coming to you across the ocean,
Kathryn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
It has been a lovely week thats for sure!
I did something totally unnessary and frivolous and enjoyed every minute of it.
I went shopping with my gf yesterday and bought a new Coach purse. I bought the matching wallet too!
My gf said "Remember all the times we went to the "boat" and counted how many Coach purses we could have to show for the money spent? Just do it! You deserve it!" So I did!
Well no more treats for me for a while-that one blew a hole in the budget for sure! LOL! If I were gambling though that would have been maybe 1 hour’s money wasted or a "lite" loss for the evening. Funny how money has value again.
peace
bettie

[got2quit]

hi Bettie, after our chat yesterday i thought about you, it was good to you posted. I am truely happy for you.– 8/24/2011 11:03:15 AM: post edited by got2quit.

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I have said this to you before. I wish you could see yourself as others that care about you, do. Count me in on one of those that care for you. Sincere way to go on your one whole year of gamble free time. Carole 

[female g]

Hey Bettie enjoy your new coach purse you deserve it and it will remind you of all the effort you have put into your recovery. You are a shinning star and a wonderful human being that others can learn from. Your so right about the fact we could own the warehouse lol. I bought one too but its so expensive I think that I have only used it 2 times since I purchased it for xmas. lol ""Say it Loud say it pround "" ONE YEAR ANIVERSARY!!!!!!G

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Thanks once again for everything. Carole I think you and Larry hit it on the head. "The people who count, the people who care about me." That was one of the many things I have learned in recovery-I don’t need everyone’s approvial and people DO care about me. Co dependancy is awful and man, I can be full of that!
Vera I do understand your points about GA. A rep from the international service office came to my pinning. She has 16 years clean. She mentioned how wonderful it was to see all the woman there supporting each other. So many people discounted woman cg’s. ( How could ANYONE be addicted to hitting a button! ). My, how things have changed. Maybe it will take some pioneering woman there in Ireland to get the message out. Gambeling is an equal opportunity addiction.
Hey G, I plan to use my bag everyday, no more "saving it for good". It’s all good! Get yours out and go grocery shopping-what u waiting for?? lol!
Thank you Kathryn, Laura, Celina, Geordie, Lizbeth, Pumpkin, Lynn, Reds,Jules, and anyone else I may have missed. I would not be here if not for you all!
peace
bettie
— 8/23/2011 3:21:33 AM: post edited by bettie.– 8/23/2011 12:49:52 PM: post edited by bettie.

[pumkin113b]

BETTIE!!!!!!! WTG!!!!! I TOO CRIED READING YOUR POST — SUCH AN ACHIEVEMENT. WTG MY FRIEND. pumkin

[caron]

Bettie,  Congratulations on your accomplishment.  I like your post about the coach purse.  I love purses too! and shoes!
lol.  I reward myself every pay day, a book, shoes, bag, silver jewelry, something special for me.  sometimes I hesitate, I think its too much, but then I tell myself.  I would have put that much and more in the machine.

[got2quit]

HI bettie good talking to you, i have real you post but didn’t notice you were sick hope your feeling much better
i have copied and pasted this  ihave never seen this before and it is something to keep in mind as we move forward in recovery, Thank YOU Again for posting this. Have a great Day xxx Celina
The 12 GA PromisesOne day at a timekicking it to the Curb One Day at a time !

[finding_laura]

Hey B,
you doing ok?  Miss ya  ((((((((((((((((((((((( B ))))))))))))))))))))))
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Gee Laura I don’t seem to be catching u on chats at all! Well maybe saturday-if I can manage to wake up.
Dr called about the x-ray. Nothing new there, which is good. i have a lot of scarring in my right lung. I was told I have a lot of scar tissue because of a birth defect-an extra flap of skin in my lung-weird-and from many many untreated childhood illinesses. I do feel much better but can’t sleep well. I cough and wake myself up. I have another Dr appointment in a few weeks so he will follow up. I’m better but when I do start coughing it is still awful
Hey celina here’s a good ga site http://www.cghub.co.za. They have detailed worksheets on working the 12 steps. I have gotten some real good info there.
Caron I did read where you said GT was your only support right now. I was the same my first 4-5 months. I was stubborn about going to ga. To be frank about it I was scared. Do what ever you have to do to arrest this thing. A burden shared is half as bad.
Well time to get ready for work.
Have a great day!
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Sorry to hear that you are having to deal with another health issue. Goodness knows you have too many already. You are a wonderful woman who inspires so many of us here. A lot of the women have told me that they would love to meet you. That should speak volumes to you, on how you have impacted their recovery. Carole

[lynn]

Hi Bettie,
thanks for your post. You bring up a very good point, I just have to change myself and life will be better. I love my job, I just need to learn to be more lenient with others and not judgmental.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Funny Carole, I had this discussion just last week with a friend of mine. They said you know I’ve know you for 3 years and never knew you had so many health problems, you always seem so healthy. The fact of the matter is if all I did was dwell on my illinesses I would not even get out of bed in the morning. I feel good for the most part now, but I have had a bad spell lately.
I think thats a self preseveration thing for me. When I was first told that I was diabetic I fought the Dr tooth and nail about taking meds. Denial is a powerful emotion. Thats not to say that I did anything to help myself at the time. It took years of adding medication and it wasn’t until my Dr suggest an insulin pump that I was willing to even try. At about the same time my first "friend with benifits" came into my life. With his encouragement and attention I was finally able to address my weight and my lack of exersize. Not for myself mind you-I did that for him-because I wanted him to love me. Well anyone who has read my whole thread knows that that surely didn’t work out-and I added a 2nd "FWB" to spite him!
Unhealthy relationships-unhealthy living-unhealthy ways of coping with my problems. I see more clearly now why being a CG is an illiness.
Of late I have been gaining weight. The "freshman 15 maybe?" I have very little desire to workout and find every excuse not to do it. My eating is off. I need to change that mind set. I used to look foward to working out and now can barely stand the thought of it. It’s like I don’t care anymore. I want to loose weight yet I am doing nothing to make that happen. Insanity? Sounds like it to me!
So I guess that’s my vent for the night! I hope to get inspired to get up and get moving. I am still coughing but I don’t have that weak feeling that I have been fighting for weeks.
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I can surely relate to coughing and smoking. Been there, done that, more times than I care to remember, and taking cough syrup just before I smoked, hoping I wouldn’t have a coughing spell while smoking my cigarette. I am so not motivated to exercise, yet I know I should start for weight loss, stress reduction, to help with my insomnia, etc, etc. I keep hoping that thinking about it is the same as doing it. It’s like reading weight loss books; if you buy enough of them and read them, some of the weight should come off just because you’ve invested money and time. Hope you get over your cough soon. I will probably go to Chicago in the spring to the GA conference. Keep me off those darn boats though. Never been on one and hope to heck I never do. Carole 

[bettie]

Believe me Carole you didn’t miss a thing!
Some days I feel like I have it all together some days , well, I question my whole existance.
I am still involving myself in a relationship that is unhealthy and has no purpose. I have to ask myself why? I wonder if on some level I am still "punishing" myself, much like I did with my gambling. I find myself in tears after I am with him. Why do I do this?
With so many positive things going on it’s like I am still seeking out "drama" to be involved with. I am doing things that I know are wrong. I am not taking any action to correct those things.
I am dreading moving onto step 4. I have been taking a financial inventory for a long time, it’s the moral inventory that I fear.
"If you knew the real me you could not love me".
I’ve changed a lot during my "cg" years, mostly not for the better. My "Rcg" years are starting and I am full of mixed emotions. I have a lot of sins that I can’t possibly make amends for. I have been wrapped up for weeks in the "one year" stuff and now that has past and it’s back to working on me.
I am afraid.
bettie
 

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, You know how I feel about you, you are one of the most awesome people that I have had the honor to meet.  I mean this with all of my heart!!  I wish you could see what I see when I read your posts or when we are on chat together.You have made me laugh till I cried, during times when I really need to let go and just have fun. I clicked with you from my first night here.  You took me under your wing, and gave me the advice and support to help me with this journey into recovery.   You need to know that you deserve only the best.  We are always the hardest on ourselves.  I understand your statement that you are afraid, but maybe you need to feel that to take the next step, and realize how valuable you are.  I am glad you are here and are my friend.  Take care Bettie!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[vera]

Bettie..
We usually feel afraid when we are lost or alone.
You may feel a bit lost now after the excitement of the "pinning" and the leadup to the one year mark! I felt the same at the end of 2010. "Ok this is it, where do I go from here"  sort of feeling and to compensate for the anti climax we look for new "highs". Turning to the FWB is NOT the answer to being lost or lonely B! You KNOW that. It’s going to drive you backwards. Now that you have put the "one year" behind you, I would strongly advise you to go back to ONE DAY. I made the mistake of jumping on the first drama wagon that passed by and it lead me down the wrong road as you know. I ve been taking stock of my past over the last few days and I realise I have had very little "normal" activity in my life. It’s either a mad dash and a last minute rush with everything I do and then a "hangover" so I know what you mean about looking at the sins of your past life. I have dealt with a lot of that on a spiritual level but I know now that can be a total cop out if we don’t match the spiritual with the emotional/physhological and practical aspects of every day living and yes, B, it can only be done one day at a time so try not to run head long like I did into the abyss!
When I went into work today there was serious drama brewing. I could feel the antenna darting out readying for another "buzz". I watched the reaction of the other staff. Three of them "kicked the ball into my court" knowing I would react. I’m always the one to shoot my mouth off. I threw them off. They were talking in their own language and their eyes told me what they were saying. This time I decided to back off. I don’t need any more drama in my life. It always leads to stress and stress needs to be released sooner or later and in my case I explode in the slots. So I kept clear, and just observed others’ reactions and chose to work directly with a very quiet young nurse who never gets caught up in any conflict and when it came to going home time I felt releived I hadn’t allowed myself to be pulled into affairs that really do not concern me!
Maybe I’m mellowing.
Keep your head up B. You have done yourself proud! You know you have my admiration!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thank you for your heart felt responses.
Seems like a lot of people are at a crossroads lately.
All this self examanation is tough.
Fear is an amazingly powerful thing.
Frozen in fear-keeps us stuck and keeps us from moving foward.
I keep telling myself I have to get this together. Got on the scale-up another 2 pounds. I feel defeated before I even begin.
Guess I need a plan.
Just thinking out loud,
bettie

[bettie]

I’m back!
No Sunday chatters!
Well I reconnected with an old friend on FB. Was shocked to see her picture. She has breast cancer. 2 days younger than me. Stage 4.
Makes me think. We were children together, we did the same things, we ran the bars when we turned 21. She stole one of the few real boyfriends I had, married him, divorced him, and married him again.  She invited me for a visit and regailed me with a casino story-she lives 4 mile from the casino. I won’t tell her about my cg, and I invited her here when she gets done with chemo. Better safe than sorry.
I was talking with my cousin about the Flordia trip in November. Just found out her sister has a place in Palm Beach. Looks like we will be traveling the state when we go. Something to look foward to however, I will need to tell her about my "problem"
as she and I have gambled in the past and I am sure she will suggest it as an activity.
 

[caron]

Hi Bettie,   When you are ready, in the right time and place.   Stay strong even if you are afraid.  Do what is right for you.  Thanks for all you do for us.  I appreciate it.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Guess I am getting lazy about posting daily. The problem? " Gardens of Time" on FB!
I try to get a star or two to start my day! lol!
Oh well, I’ve done worse things I guess.
Still eating out of control and have blood work coming up soon. Oh the letcure is coming but a well deserved one.
"Tomorrow, is another day!"
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! I haven’t posted much lately either due to busyness or wanting to take a bit of a break from GT. When I am struggling emotionally, I don’t have it to support others. At those times, I need to concentrate on myself. There are many active members here and it would be inpossible to provide support to all of them on a daily basis. You have worked very hard to achieve your first year of gamble free time, and I can understand the "so now what?" Vera is so eloquent in her last post to you about her experience. It does concern me that your blood glucose levels may not be where they should be. I know you’re doing a lot of soul-searching right now about several issues in your life. What if you made up a list of those issues you’d like to address, and see if there is any one issue that you feel ready to address. For example, you feel unmotivated to exercise. What if you goaled to walk a block or do 5 minutes of exercise in your house on a daily basis? We both could do that and be accountable to each other for something like that. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Carole   

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Carole you are so right. My dr appt is the 15th, I will get the low down on my bloodwork and have some desisions to make. Very easy to forget about being "sick" when you have a chronic illiness. I think they call that "denial". I am a pro at that.
I hear you loud and clear about taking the baby steps. The problem is that "nagging little negative voice". "At your weight 5 minutes will make no difference, why bother, it’s too late," the list go’s on. My sponser tells me that that is my addiction, manifesting itself in various evil ways. I’ve never thought of it in those terms but it does make sence. I think the more I work the steps and the more issues I resolve the healthier i will be, both physicaly and emotionaly.
Thank you for your input, I love good advice! Never lie yourself Carole, on your worst day you always have something valuable to say!
off to work
peace
bettie

[kathryn]

Hiya B,
It has been way to long since we have caught up. 
While you have been caught up in Gardens of Time, ive been playing Words with Friends…..i do love a good game of scrabble!!!  Unfortunately i have only won 1 game out of about 12…LOL..I need to buy a big fat dictionary.
Anyway, hope to see you on the weekend,
Love lots,
Kathryn xxxxxxxxxxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[finding_laura]

what time for coffee tomorrow B?  I’ll set my clock!  Miss ya lots
Laura

[bettie]

Hey!!
6:45 am central time. I have no idea what time that is for you!
It’s 10 pm here now and that is 8 hours and 45 minutes from now, lol~

[finding_laura]

hey B,
I am two hours ahead of you so will see you then!  Gardens of time, that name reminds me of an online slot i used to play for fun, when i was warming up for the real ones!  the music from that one has been haunting me lately.  But I’m not going looking for it!  I’m off to bed, checked group to see if you were still around but not B.  Talk soon.
Laura xo

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thought it was about time to post-lazy girl that i am!
Busy weekend-bbq Saturday-Craft fair (walked at least 7 miles and have the sun burnt chest and face to prove it!)then another get together Sunday. Feeling better but still coughing and looking foward to my dr appt next week. Not sleeping well, cough much worse at night. Still smoking like a chiminy.
Had an interesting chat on another site Saturday night. I became quite frustrated with the person who stated they didn’t want to go to ga because of the degenerate lowlifes they saw there and that they got nothing out of the meeting. Really? I mean really? I had to reply. If they got nothing else out of the meeting maybe a little " thank God I haven’t gone there" – yet. In early recovery I think as humans, that have been taught to be judgemental, we may think "I would never _________." Well let me tell you. Insanity, prison or death. That’s not made up and it’s not overly dramatic. Yes there are folks facing jail time, yes some people are more irratic than others and yes I have heard of another group loosing a young member to sucide. This is some serious stuff. If you are chatting on a cg forum you are no better no no worse than anyone in the room. Two ears one mouth-there’s a reason for that.
Well I got that off my chest.
Back to doing wash and picking up. Maybe I’ll get to enjoy rest of the day and relax before going back to work tomorrow. Today is a holiday in the US, Labor Day.
peace
bettie– 9/6/2011 1:36:43 AM: post edited by bettie.

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! A person can always find a reason why they don’t want to go to GA, or they find something to take offense to at a meeting they show up to. I’m sorry that someone feels that the people at GA are degenerate lowlifes, because the people that person is describing could be any of us. Carole 

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Talk about insanity! Work has been crazy busy this week. My co banker is on vacation and for the most part I have been working solo-as my manager is a lazy —-! LOL!
It’s all good. I’ve been getting new accounts and loans and I am on pace to make my goal which is my main concern. Got a nice little bonus last payday-the fruits of my efforts last quarter-and I am greatful to my higher power-God-because I have turned that task over to Him. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have to work it-it means I am keeping an open mind and have Faith that a "power greater than myself" is in control.
Off today-slept till 11am! I was up late and never sleep in but today was an exception for sure.
I am looking at forclosure propertys. I believe I may have a way to get one. This would be a big thing for me. It could mean that I may be able to retire one day. A second income. If you had told me this time last year that I had even the most remote chance of doing something like this I would have said no way. It is amazing what is happening.
I whole heartedly believe that even the chance at something better has been brought to me through recovery. It reminds me of the statement at the end of the 12 GA promises.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialise if we work for them.
 
peace
bettie– 9/8/2011 4:43:02 PM: post edited by bettie.

[jazz55]

You Rock, Bettie!
I was There that Saturday nite, during the chat on the other site.  I witnessed, your grace and helpful attitude with this person, and I admire you for your ‘restraint’.
I like the reminder you stated above:  If you are chatting in a cg forum, you are no better, nor worse than anyone in the room.
Well Said, my dear!!
See you soon, Better Bettie!
Jazz

[female g]

awesome how all the changes in your life are really falling nicely into place. And through Grace things can be even better.  Taking on hard work has its rewards and you are being given bonuses to make work worth while.  Glad you allowed yourself added bonus by taking advantage of well deserved exta sleep. So wonderful to hear.
I really hope that you can find a home that you could retire too some day as well. That would really be a nice reward for all the changes you have put in place over the past few years. You are a great example to those here looking to find hope. G

[غير معروف]

You go girl!!
 If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, Awesome on your bonus, you deserved it!! This is the time to buy property if you can.  We have 32 units here, and I can’t remember a time that they wern’t all full.  We have 2 units that have been sitting empty for months, the owners are trying to lease them out.  Here in Phoenix, we have alot of foreclosures, I think we rank up in the top 5 states for this.  Real scary!!! I’m still plugging along, going to GA, and living a full life.  Always busy!!!  Take care Bettie!!! Have a great day!!Seize all the good things in life

[missingme]

"Woke up wishing I was dead today"
Wow.  Cannot tell you how many times, I had that very same wish.  I can tell you it was more than the fingers on my hands and toes combined!
It really wasn’t that long ago (as far as time goes) that I wished for presents from Santa and my birthday, chocolate from the Easter Bunny, an A on my report card,  a nice dinner out, or  ‘happily ever after.’ 
The thought that occurs to me, is what the heck happened??  and why?  I think now death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  It is all do-able.  It is all fixable. 
Love reading your posts, and progress.  I wish you joy, and I wish you well.
MM

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Great to hear of good things happening in your life, such as the bonus pay and the possibility of buying a house. I am really hoping that the house will materialize for you. Goodness knows you deserve every good thing from the heavens. Waiting to hear what the doctor says on the 15th though I suspect you’re going to have to get bloodwork done, etc. I’m still willing to start some kind of timed exercise program with you. Your friend always, Carole

[paul315]

Originally posted by carole8755

… Great to hear of good things happening in your life

Good morning Bettie,
I would like to add to the statement made by Carole, it is good to hear of the good things, You have come a long way in recognizing that you can also be on the receiving end of the good things of life.
God’s speed.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[caron]

Hi Bettie, I am experiencing the same thing.  My higher power has been guiding me and leading me in a direction I never dreamed.  It is true I have had to do the work.  But when I was unsure, stressed, I let go and let God.  What a wonderful feeling, Recovery has been a blessing.  We just have to have faith, tust, and  do our part.  Have a wonderful day !!!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
So nice to see yours posts. I’ve been looking at Sept 11th stuff all day, very heart wrenching. Don’t remember what I may have posted last year but my daughter was working just outside NY that day-and I had been there to see her the week before. I had gone to my first Broadway show-"The Rocky Horror Show". front row seats, and had been to see the Statue Of Liberty. I had taken photos of the New York skyline-and had mentioned to my daughters boyfriend how vulnerable those buildings looked and it seemed like it would be easy to bomb them. What a horrable thought-and what a nightmare when the planes hit. I had pictures I had developed from that trip in my purse and I had pictures of the Twin Towers. In one picture they almost appear ghostly due to the sun. I didn’t even know what those buildings were. 
I had an interesting GA meeting Friday. A new member and a returning member who had slipped. I also found out that a 7 plus year member is back out there-very frightening. Complacency-yuck! 
My sponser has told me that I should talk about the good things happening in my recovery. She says it encourages others to see what recovery can do. I hope I don’t come off like a braggard. Thats not my intention at all. I have my down time too-thats for sure. Accepting life on life’s terms. Thats a big lession in recovery.
Well need to get back to cleaning, hoping to go out for a bit but nice to come home to a clean smelling place.  Fresh linnens on the bed-my favorite! Can’t wait to crawl into bed, lol! Just one of the lifes little pleasures we take for granted.
peace
bettie
  — 9/11/2011 10:03:12 PM: post edited by bettie.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I also have been watching some of the 9/11 stuff.  I have never been to New York, but have put it on my list of places I will travel to.  I would love to see the 9/11 memorial.  I think you should talk about all the good things happening to you as a result of your recovery.  We all need to know that there is soo much more waiting for us without the gambling.  Take care and have a great GF day!!Seize all the good things in life

[gunner27]

Hi Bettie
Scary to hear about the 7 yearer, I feel very sorry for him/her. Glad to see your fine progress!! Jim

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks Gunner-good to see you back! Lizbeth after an hour of tv i watched "The Sopranos" all day. I could not watch anymore. Just way too close to home for me.
I got the nicest complement at work today. A customer that I did research work for came in and wanted to see my manager. I got him and he proceeded to tell him how wonderful I am and what an asset i was to the branch and the company. He is sending me a gift and is writing corprorate a letter. He also told my boss that he is bring us some new business too. How nice to have my Monday start that way! Just $300 from my goal and about 18 days to get it. God is good! I might just make some money to boot!
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I hope the heavens open and pour out an abundance of new bank business for you. I watched a few hours of the 911 programs but like you chose not to watch anymore. It may surprise Americans to know that we felt as horrified, shocked, and saddened as the Americans to watch the terrorist attacks that day. Ten years later it is still hard to watch. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks Carole. Yesterday would have been my deceased brothers 51st birthday. Hard to believe the children he left behind are almost grown, his oldest started college last month. I miss him all the time but that hard hurt, the part where you get chest pains, has stopped. I still cry sometimes, even 9 years can’t take away all the grief. I have faith we will meet again, and what a reunion that will be!
Just wanted to mention that Lee, our Tuesday night chat host, celebrated his 5 year’s soberity from gambling yesterday! He has been a great friend to me, giving me sound advice and support. Congrats ((Lee))!!
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! It is true that you never get over some of the grief over losing a loved one, though the pain does lessen over time. There were times I thought I was having a heart attack after Ron died, but it was grief induced, just like you say, chest pains. RIP Frankie!! Carole

[bettie]

I’m telling you Carole, God is very very good! I’m down to about $100 to go to my goal-I might even make a few buck just in time for Christmas. ( We get paid out in December)
Doctor appointment tomorrow morning. I wonder what he will tell me, besides quit smoking! I smoked outside 4 times today-and I had 4 customers ask when I was going to quit! One said stop we need you! One said I thought u quit! One said I saw you sneeking back there-u gotta give it up! All i could say was I know I know. Well, I do know-so why don’t I stop?
Cousin stopping by for a late visit. Guess she will spend the night. She’s the one I am going to Florida with. Can’t wait!
peace
bettie
 

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I was thinking about you and that your PCP appointment is tomorrow. Easy for those who don’t smoke to tell us to quit when we already know we shouldn’t smoke.  Harder for us also because we’re also battling another addiction. When we’re ready we will quit smoking.  I know these people mean well. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well, I kinda heard what I half way expected at the doctors office. He suspects i have emphysema. He also was not pleased with my x-ray and said I very well could have a bit of pneumonia. I have a rescue inhailer and a new course of antibionics. My allergies are causing my eyes to water and in general I am a mess. I have no one to blame but myself.
(Oh and I’m up about another 3 pounds too)
What am I going to do with me?
discusted
bettie

[vera]

No time for blame Bettie!
Just comply with the treatment. Lots of specialists out there who can help you.
Never give up hope!

[desdemona]

Sorry to hear that your doctor’s appointment didn’t go any better than that. I once visited an older lady in her home when I was working, and this lady had emphysema so bad that she literally rattled when she breathed and she was on oxygen too. I have also witnessed an older man smoke through his trach. But it’s never been enough for me to stop smoking (yet). I am having thoughts of quitting smoking too. It would be a perfect time as winter is coming and I stay home a lot during that time. You can’t smoke in any public place anywhere in this province. Liz managed to quit smoking as well as gambling so it can be done. I would get so much more done in my house if I didn’t smoke. It’s probably like quitting gambling, in the sense that, fear is what holds us back, and looking at it as staying quit forever, when maybe all we have to do is do it a day at a time.   Let me know if you are going to quit. Carole

[bettie]

I’m just a bit p*ssed at myself. I went through a cancer scare 11 years ago-had my lung scoped 2x and was cleared by the lung specalist 3 years ago. Now this. How stupid am I? I think it was all part of my "death wish"-smoking, drinking, eating , compulsive gambling. I assumed I would be dead by 50. When I lost the weight ( that I am now gaining back) and stopped drinking so much and started recovery I thought well, maybe I’ll make it. I have to straighten up, make a plan, do the right things. I think once whatever infection I have going on right now clears and I’m not so tired I will have a clear head to think this out.
I need to quit Carole, more so now than ever before. I have 2 and 1/2 cartons of cigrettes -a little less than a month’s worth so I can start planning to stop. Kind of like using up all your comps-lol-before stopping gambling.
The inhaler has helped quite a bit. Very little coughing today. Maybe a full nights sleep-that would be good!
peace
bettie

[vera]

Bettie 9and Carole) i don’t like kicking people when they are already down, but you have no choice about the cigs now! It’s like putting nails in your coughing. I’m listening to people spluttering and coughing gasping on O2 and with nebulizers running 4 hourly. A lot of those people smoked. The others were probably passive smokers. My friend’s mother is in her 90th year. She has empysemia. Not a pretty sight. She says " we didn’t know smoking would do this" They didn’t know back then. We do. Write out a pro and con list. Just like for gambling. Just like giving up FWBs! I’m not moralising B! I was a smoker. I quit!

[vera]

coffin , not coughing, but that too !!! and ( , not 9!!!!

[finding_laura]

Morning B,
I had a quick catch up before i head off to work.  PC working like crap so takes ages for pages to change etc, very frustrating.  Once you get a bit of relief from the infection hopefully you will feel up to making some changes.  Change seems to be so hard before you do it, but once done, it seems so much easier.  Have you looked into the info i sent you for Jules?  I have tried everything, patches, gum, hypnosis and nothing seemed to help.  As soon as the patch wore off or the gum i still wanted a cig.  It has now been 17 months since i’ve had a smoke!  And I don’t want one.  And to answer the  question we keep smoking because of the crap they put in our cigarettes to keep us hooked good!  Not to mention the psychological crutch factor. I’m focusing back on the weight now.  Trying to take off the last five pounds of weight i gained quitting smoking.  Then I have another 20 that is from being laid up with my injury a few years back.  Baby steps though B!  for you, for me, little changes at a time. The time will go by regardless and it will add up.  I miss you lots and lots.  Hopefully I’ll catch you for morning coffee tomorrow before you head off to work.  What time again?  My memory!
take care hun, love Laura

[غير معروف]

Bettie, same thing for me too.  I am now using the inhaler 2-3 times a day.  Still smoking though.  Stupid.  I was driving down the road home from work, at a stop light, smoking a cigarette in one hand and using the inhaler with the other.  A guy in the next lane just looked at me shaking his head….I know, mister…I’m an idiot.If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[kathryn]

Hiya B,
The smoking issue….ugh.  Every day i say to myself that i should stop..usually when i am having a smoke!!!
I suppose we will be ready like we were ready to stop gambling.  I imagine it is like that.  Perhaps you could set a goal to cut down, its a start.  Putting too much pressure on yourself cant be good for your health either.
As for me, my girls at work sent me to get beautiful acryllic nails for my birthday.  I have never had fingernails in my life, i am a horrid biter.  I feel that flash, but i have to say, i have hit backspace soooo many times typing this little post that i could scream!!!!!
Love ya girl, hope to see you on the weekend xxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie!  I know how hard it is to quit smoking.  After many attemps, I made a pact with God, if I survived my heart attack and stent placement, I would quit smoking!  And I haven’t smoked since that day, Jan. 31, 2011.  I watched my Dad suffer with emphysema for years.  At the end he was on oxgyen 24/7. plus inhalors, and breathing treatments.  I don’t want to come off as I’m preaching to you.  But I’m selfish, and want you around for a long time!! Take care of yourself!!! I tried gum, patches, pills, and being hypnotized.  I really believe going cold turkey is the best.  I had a coach from Ashline call me once a week, and that helped me too!  My Mom is 1 1/2 years smoke free, cold turkey.  We can to anything we set our minds to do!!!!  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Got a call frome the doctors office. Not my regular doctor-the lung specalist I saw a few years back. Seems my pcp sent him a copy of my x-ray from August and he wants to see me and talk about it. This can’t be good but necessary. I stayed home from work today-feeling tired and weak. Slept 2 hours and went for the followup x-ray and more bloodwork.
Just like my gambling I don’t want to tell my brother but he is concerned. I don’t want to alarm him prematurerly. I know he is concerned about cancer, having just lost his best friend to it in June. But I am missing symptoms for that-no weight loss, not coughing up blood, everything has been clear. I’m scared to be quite honest. I will be sticking close to this site and my sponser. Fear and grief can make us do stupid things. Don’t need to ad to that list.
peace
bettie

[pumkin113b]

Thinking of you bettie — keeping you in my prayers girlfriend.   Pumkin

[غير معروف]

Sending prayers your way my friend.  (((hugs)))If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[reds]

Dear Bettie –
I too will be thinking about you and praying for you. 
I quit smoking 23 years ago when my son was in the pediatric ward of the hospital.  Since he was only 3 I had to stay with him all the time – he was terrified of nurses and needles.  ( Sorry, Vera ).  Suddeny I glanced at the clock and realized I had been 24 hours without a smoke, can’t smoke in hospitals, you know.  On the way out of the hospital later that day I threw the smokes in their trash can.  I had tried before to quit at least 30 times.  Pick a start date and go for it.  Cold turkey worked for me.  I am so ashamed I had been smoking with my babies in my home.  You can do this, even though it is a super stressful tme for you.. take care x
redsGambling is not an option.

[sherry123]

Bettie, you found a way to quit gambling so you’re stong enough to quit smoking! I hope the lung specialist gives you better news then you’re expecting. A good friend is going to start Chantex (not sure of the spelling), visit an acupucturist and a hypnotist all in the same week.  She’s in the same situation as you are and has to quit once and for all.  I wish you a painless break from smoking.

[thedeviliknow]

Sorry to read of your latest health challenges. Let’s hope this is just a warning. Take good care of yourself and Bogart those butts.My vice is the dice for life !!!

[bettie]

Hey guys!
Thanks for the good thoughts and prayers! I took a big step today-I gave away 2 cartons of cigrettes. Here in the US that like a $120 investment! Kind of like throwing money in a slot machine-a big waste! Told my daughter whats up. I cried-not because of the prognosis-because I hated giving away my smokes! The last time I felt that lost was when I decited my 2-3 day a week casino visits had to stop!
Step 1 – I am powerless over smoking. I know that sounds stupid esp if you were never a smoker. But much like gambling this is a big crutch-an escape for me. Something makes me mad at work? Run out for a smoke!
So I have set Thursday as my quit date. I am cutting back but I know cold turkey is best. I am smoking half a cigrette then tossing the rest.
Gotta start somewhere. Had a coughing fit today-it was ugly! I won’t miss that at all!
peace
bettie

[finding_laura]

Just a quick morning B, missed you yesterday!  You can do it girl, and sticking close not a bad thing.  Just a warning, when i first quit and got my first  real big cravingggg for a smoke I wanted to gamble so badly i had a smoke instead.  But then a few days later i  tried again and haven’t had one since. I was more prepared i think.  Anyway, no harping, just a forewarning!  Have a great day B, I"m off to work now.  Talk soon.
Laura

[paul315]

Good morning Bettie,
I am sorry to hear about your troubles yet the only thing that I can do is add my thoughts and prayers to those of others. As in our recovery, the guidance found in the GA Step 11 bares the truth in these prayers: "Seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out". The conscious contact is what will bring comfort and strength for any situation.
I am not a smoker but know form friends and family that one of the better ways to stop is to either separate yourself from or modify or neutralize the triggers, e.g. if you smoke after eating or other activities, compel yourself to do something else at that time; if you smoke because something makes you mad at work, instead of running out for a smoke, address the problem, or better yet, let it go – change how you deal with anger when the source can’t be changed; when the nicotine fit kicks in, well that is the hardest part, but in addressing the triggers this can be handled as well. 
Sounds a lot like combating compulsive gambling, both call for acceptance of the truth that either action is not good for you and can only result in further devastation, not relief.
God’s speed, may you find the comfort and strength that will carry you through. 
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I am proud of you for being proactive and giving those cartons away, and for setting Thursday as your quit day. You have the skills to quit smoking as they are exactly the same ones we use in gambling recovery. You can do this Bettie! Carole

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, I think going cold turkey is the best.  I haven’t smoked for almost 8 months.  I’ve had a few urges but not alot.  I am thinking of you.  Your health is the most important thing right now.  Take care of yourself!!!Seize all the good things in life

[vera]

You can do it B!
You KNOW you can!
Who wants to smell like an ashtray or cough like a 90 year old hag?
ODAAT B!
keep at it!

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Thinking about you and about your Thursday date with health. Nothing to fear but fear itself! My withdrawal symptoms were restlessness and sweating, primarily. Making the decision to quit is harder than actually quitting for the most part. I am going to make a long list of things to do so that I can be prepared if an urge hits me. I am sleeping much better Bettie since I won’t let my dogs sleep in my bedroom anymore, halfed my sleeping medication, and am no longer smoking. I wake up so much less tired. And I now go to sleep at 11:00 pm instead of 1:00 am or 2:00 am. I’m going to be excited for you come Thursday, which by the way, is a great day for you to quit, as you’re on a day off. I have to agree with you that accountability is the best way. Carole

[missingme]

Hi Bettie!
All I can add to the already good advice,  is to replace the smoking "activity" with something else.  Smoking is not only addictive but a habit and we are creatures of habit.  Keep your hands busy.  Keep yourself busy….break the routine, disrupt the times you usally smoke, with something else.
It’s tough, but many people have quit and are healthier for it.  I know of a few myself!!  I think, as with gambling one can only work through it and don’t set expectations too high.  Get back on the horse if you fall off kind of thing. 
I’ll be reading …
I wish you well,
MM
 

[female g]

way to go with tackling this. Quitting will be so benifical to your health and to your commitment to make yourl life so much better in every way. Way to go Bettie. You really are a shinning star and an example that many can count on G

[bettie]

You folks amaze me.
You know, sometimes I feel like "yesterdays news", with so many newbees hitting the forum. Compelling storys, real pain, sadness, grief. Believe me when I tell you the majority of those that post and read know what you are going through- you are not alone. Just like me, your light in the darkness can be found here.
Look at this GT rally-Carole-who joins me in this new battle for a better life, my oldest buddies-time not age!-Vera, Jules, Laura, Kathryn, Larry, Reds, Female G and The Devil I know-wow-so good to hear from you guys! Missing Me, My Pumkin and my prodigy Lizbeth! Such sweet gals and Gunner-great to see you back posting on GT.
These are just the folks who posted reciently, I can barely fantom the countless others that I know are rooting for me. ( Pp I know you’re out there! )
I feel better today-very little coughing and less chest pain from coughing too. I am ( almost ) looking foward to Thursday. I so want to get back into some kind of workout and loose some of this d*mn weight. I am paying for a Curves membership that I am not using. When I get to feeling better thats first on my list. Just do something! My beautiful fall wardrobe stuffed in bags because my fat cg *ss can’t zip into them anymore! Well, you know, like all CG’s I want me fixed-YESTERDAY- LOL! Not gonna happen that way but it can happen, ODAAT. We have proven that haven’t we?
Got my Zanax RX refilled today. I REFUSE to stress out about what going on. This too I give to God because I am helpless over whats happening but not hopeless. Those of you that pray please continue to do so. Somehow I think God hears us big sinners more-because if we were really saints we would be kind of boring! ( hehe! )
$47 dollars to my goal. I have a loan that closed that should cover that. One less stress to worry about.
Sorry i have not posted to very many of your threads but I plan to make up for that soon.
I love you guys!
bettie– 9/21/2011 12:45:35 PM: post edited by bettie.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!  I am praying for your health.  Hang in there!!!  I know everything will be alright. Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well looks like d-day is here. Just a bit after midnight and I still have 2 smokes left. I’m gonna go flush them, hope the fish in Lake Michigan enjoy them. I can’t put them in the trash because like a voucher fron the casino the temptation to use them will be there unless they are destroyed.
Got a call at work on my cell phone today. My Doctor called. Not his office, not the nurse, the Doctor himself. Miss B I’m calling about your test results. Yikes! That will get your attention and fast! We talked about the white cell count-still up slightly and unchanged, he will foward that to the Blood specialist ( oncologist ) but he was not too concerned about it-the CLL is unchanged and that is good. He said the x-ray still showed the problems I had a number of years ago and suggested a CAT scan. I told him the lung dr had called me and I have an appointment for next week. I asked if there was an urgency about getting the scan and he said no, that that  Dr would most likely want a new one and he would order it.
So thats the update. I feel better-I have been trying not to inhale the cigrettes that I have smoked but I am nervious about stopping smoking. I had a friend call me today just to see how I was feeling as he was concerned. I told him about the dr stuff and he said to me with shock-"You knew about this that long ago and you did nothing about it? You really don’t love yourself". I said at that point in my life I felt like I would be dead by 50, I felt like no one loved me so who cared if I died? I didn’t-thats for sure. But it is different now. I no longer feel like "woke up wishing I was dead today" and in some ways I am so so sorry I named my thread that way. I have thought of changing it but I know how awful I did feel that day-so maybe someone feeling the same way might read my page one and realize that they are not alone because man- I truely thought it was "just me", because I had to be crazy.
No more rambling-off to see my cigrettes "swim with the fishes".
peace
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, Good for giving up the smoking.  You can do it!!  I did it, 8 months now, cold turkey.  Just put your mind to it, and think of your health.  You wlll be in my thoughts and prayes today, everything will be alright.  Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Well day 2!
Stayed busy busy busy yesterday-out of the condo and with friends who don’t smoke. Got my nails and feet done too-spent my cigrette money on it. I valued my "cigrette money" even more than "my gambling money", my home may have went into forclosure but i had at least 1-2 packs of cigrettes. Talk about screwed up priorties!
The funny part is I keep looking for my smokes. Dringing coffee, going on the PC, driving my car, getting out of bed, all triggers. It will be odd at work today for sure. The one thing though is I have survived gambling urges-and so far nothing conpares to that!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

My mood is evil and vile, I can barely stand being in the same room with myself.
I am jelious people who can smoke, just like those people who can gamble "normaly".
I want a cigrette!

[i am hope]

Hello Bettie
I can relate to what you say.  What you say about cigarettes is sometimes how i have felt about gambling.  Envious of those who can just go and have a bet for fun. Not me.  So i have just found out, well finally.  You are doing well.  it was nice to talk to you on chat today
 Living with Hope

[kathryn]

You can do it B!
Each day you dont smoke your body will thank you. 
After 48hrs the nicotine is out of your system completely!
I remember you saying you would never be able to stop gambling…….
We know how thats gone so far!! (woohoo by the way)
This time next year you will be saying that about the smokes.
This is a new life for you girl, and its just beginning!
Love ya, K xxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Well day 4 coming to a close.
I was in such a foul mood yesterday- a little better today-but not much.
I will have to explain the ranting email I sent to my boss-I made the mistake of closing one night for him so he snuck me on the schedule to close on wednesday. I told him when I took the keys that I was not avalabe to close. What makes me mad was that he didn’t ask and only by chance did I even notice that he changed the schedule.
He’ll have the keys back tomorrow if he can’t see the error of his ways!
H*ll hath no furry as a woman trying to quit smoking!

[jenny46]

Hi Bettie
Just wanted to pop in and empathise with you I am on day 9 and its terrible – foul tempers, cravings the lot, I hope it gets better than this !

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! I have not smoked since September 17th and I can relate to every single thing you said, including your triggers, which are all the same ones I have, such as getting out of bed in the morning, driving, being on the computer, etc. Here’s a little something that may help you. When you see someone smoking, say to yourself " she smokes, I don’t." For some reason I find that helpful. my husband is a huge trigger, which was unexpected. Not his behavior, but the fact that I have smoked around him for 17 plus years. Sad that the thing that motivated me to get out of bed in the morning was coffee and cigarettes. Carole  

[missingme]

Hi Bettie,
Just want to give you some encouragment.  Rah!  Rah!  Moods come and go…..well, mine do! 
I wish you well.
MM
 

[bettie]

Hey guys! Thanks so much! Dawn welcome to the smoke – free train! I know it does get better-like loosing weight I have done this before-for like 5 years-and went back!
I wish I could find the food shutoff switch! I now know why people gain weight-if I can’t smoke it seems that my brain/stomach won’t signal that the meal is done!
I talked to the boss-he did plan to talk to me about the situtation with the schedule. I told him I was looking for someone to kill and he seemed like a fine candidate! lol!
Hey Carole I am using the "fake" e cigrette in the car. I hate the taste so I won’t inhale-besides I heard that there are some chemicals in there too. So I’ll use it as a temp soloution. Suppost to be only menthol-and a vapor mist. Funny because it does have the look and feel of smoking.
Gee I can barely stand the smoke smell in here, need to clean up!
peace
bettie

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie keep going you are doing so well.  You are a great gamble free inspiration, dont be so hard on yourself Bettie, you are doing great
 Living with Hope

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! You only flipped off two people today?  Lol! They do have the electronic cigarettes in Canada. I saw a can of chewing tobacco in a store, and pondered for a moment buying it. Ridiculous but true!! Carole

[jenny46]

Hi Bettie
Over the years I have tried every nicotine substitute going – several times to no avail !! I have spent as much money on them as the fags – lol !!! This time I am doing a cold turkey which seems to be working a bit better. I was intrigued to read about these e- cigarettes please tell me do they work? or can they be used as a sharp implement on very annoying people grrrrrrrr hope your mood is better than mine with it today xx

[bettie]

Dawn the funny thing is they look like a cigrette, the end "light’s up" when you puff on it, and the mist looks like smoke when you blow it out. I have heard there are chemicals that are bad in those but the makers claim they are safe. I can’t inhale them-it makes me cough and I don’t like the taste. I have been keeping it in the car-and almost look foward to using it.
I am so stressed right now.
My daughter was to borrow some money from me. She doesn’t need it now-because she "won" some at the casino. She fessed up because when she spent the money she intended she wasn’t ready to go and used the ATM at the casino. I am on her bank account. I didn’t know what to say-I wanted to know but I didn’t want to know. I resent that I can’t gamble and that she can. Does that make sense?
Got up this morning only to find out that my Cousin booked the Florida trip-with out me! I have been baggering her about booking the trip because prices are going up. She wanted to leave from O Hare-I wanted to leave from Midway. I wake this morning to her itinery-and instructions so  can book my own trip. I emailed her back and told her I found her action to be very agressive, and frankly, it showed that she didn’t want me to come along anymore. She emailed me back-what ever gave me that idea?? How could I think that?? She went to all this trouble to find matching flights so we would meet up at the stopover point.
Why am I sitting here thinking I am crazy?
 

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I’m not smoking but I am suffering. How are you doing? Send me an email and let me know. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Carole looks like I had just missed you on the community chat.
I saw the lung doctor today. He wants a CAT scan. I reminded him that I had one a few years back and that he needed to go back and find those scans for compairson. He was with a different pratice then. Still coughing but he came up with something I would have never thought of. My blood pressure pill is known to have coughing as a side affect. He is switching mine back to one I used to take-he said acid reflux also presents like this. 2 things I had never thought of. Guess thats why they pay him the Big Bucks! LOL!
Well my little baby girl turned 30 today! OMG! She was 12 when I was 30!
How time flys!
peace
bettie

[vera]

Time sure does fly B, so why waste it gambling (or smoking!)
Where did those years go!
Isn’t it maddening to pay a doc money for something you could have discovered yourself!
Have the scan anyway. The docs dont have x ray eyes!
Happy Birthday to J!
Having a party?

[bettie]

The party was Sunday but Jen had a special restrurant she wanted to go to today.
I checked the mg on the blood pressure pills this Dr gave me-it’s 4x stronger than the dose I took when my regular doctor had prescribed it. I won’t be taking those but will call my regular guy tomorrow.
Good thing that I stay on top of this stuff!
 

[vera]

Refuse to pay the bill B! Gross incompetence!
If you gave wrong figures at work where would it lead? We covers for doctors’ errors all the time! Bad practice!
Taking about work figures, have you reached all your targets?

[bettie]

Hey Vera, Yes! I have made my goal!
Don’t think I will make much bonus but I got the goal-and thats always my main concern. I get to keep my job for another 6 months!

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Nice to hear that the coughing may be a side effect of a medication. You’re probably healthier than you knew. Lol! Carole

[finding_laura]

Good morning miss B,
just having my coffee before work, heading out shortly.  Well done on staying smoke free!  You can do it Bettie!  I’m so proud of you and all that you have accomplished.  ODAAT!  When we first started recovery i hung onto each day like a life line, just getting through.  But they have added up, the gamble free time has added up and the bills are slowly going down.  And then the quit smoking days added up which helped with the budget immensely.  At $14 a pack, between that and the government run gambling, I should have just been stopping by parliament and dropping off a big fat cheque every month!  Nah, on second thought, i like the money in my own pocket much better.  Have a great gamble/smoke free day B!
Laura

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! I hope your weekend is going well and that recovery is treating you well. I have way too much free time on my hands the past few days and the coming week. Thank goodness I’ve had no access to enough money to gamble because boredom is a trigger for me. My dogs are having a lazy Sunday afternnon nap, and I do believe I’m going to have a bubble bath and it’s pjs and TV for the rest of the night for me. Carole

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I am attempting to take your advice about surrendering to heart, to the best of my ability to understand the concept as it relates to staying quit smoking. I have told myself that smoking is not an option anymore so I had better get used to that. Are you still coughing?? Carole 

[غير معروف]

Bettie, my coughing was downright embarissing until I got medication for adic reflux.  Once I had that under control, my coughing diminished by probably 90%.  Hopefully, that’s all yours is too.If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[vera]

Bettie! I’m SOOO proud of you giving up the cigs and not gambling either. This is all leading to much greater things. Every day brings greater peace when we drop our expectations and see things as they are, not as we would want them to be!  Smoking is a filthy habit! Gambling costs too much. So why do we expect to be rich and healthy when we are blatently doing the opposite to what we know is good for us?

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes I am still coughing. It is awful when it hits but it passes quickly. Got an OK for the CT scan-Dr’s office left a message to call them tomorrow-so hopefully I’ll have some answers.
Went to a wake tonight for my old neighbor who lived across the street from my house when I grew up. She was my Mom’s one friend on the block. Saw so many of the old neighbors- my best gf”s parents were there. She died when we were 25, annorexea. My mom said she didn’t remember anyone. I don’t see how that would be possible. I need to talk to my sister about that. Not sure if she was putting on an act or if she really didn’t remember.
Looking foward to a long weekend. One more day then off till Tuesday. yea!!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well the weather is down right beautiful! Sunny, warm, trees are changing-the best weather of the year in my opinion.
Trying to decide what to do today-time on my hands-not always the best thing.
Cat left a present in the hallway-stepped right in it first thing today! Oh well-some days you step in it , some days you don’t!
peace
bettie
 

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Earlier this week I’m drinking my morning coffee (sans cigarettes) and I feel something in my mouth and take it out and it’s a drowned fly. You stepped in it; I almost swallowed it. Not a pleasant way to wake up. Carole

[bettie]

Oh Carole-Yuck!
I went to my Gf’s today then to my meeting. Got home and found out that the medical center has to cancel my ct-something about someone who checks credentials-whatever! This test has to be done after fasting and I have to have it done in the AM. Don’t people realize some of us hold down jobs and scheduling is a pain, not to mention that they are delaying possible treatment?
I have an ear ache, first on the left side yesterday and now on the right.
I’m falling apart!
bettie

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie i admire your gamble free time and your constant dedication to recovery.  Good job on the smokes too and i hope you start to feel better soon. 
 Living with Hope

[finding_laura]

Hi Bettie,
thinking i just missed you in chat.  Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time of  things, hope that ear clears up.  You don’t need a little more pain and aggravation at the moment. I’m getting ready to try a new medication for my back pain.  Fingers crossed.  Working today B?  Have a good day hun, sending you hugs and prayers.
Laura

[jazz55]

((Bettie)), I Hope the Dr.’s office reschedules your CT, soon!  How Frustrating!  grrrrrrrrrrr!
You are in my thoughts and prayers, Better Bettie… I hope your ear aches go away. 
Maybe I”l see you in chat sometime this weekend.
Jazzy

[i am hope]

Thinking of you Bettie hope you had a good day toda
 Living with Hope

[finding_laura]

Heya Bettie,
rather quiet for you, hope you are getting some rest at night.  Thinking about you (((((((((( Bettie ))))))))))
Laura

[karlychick]

Bettie,
I am very new at trying to recover.  But reading your post made me think of my favorite quote by Abraham Lincoln:  "when you are in a hole, stop digging."  This helps me because I think that no matter how bad I have made it for myself, I just need to quit digging.  You have taken some positive steps with your life and you can only look at making the changes one day at a time.  Sometimes the only action you can take is to just stop digging.  I wish you well today Bettie and I hope that this site can bring healing for both of us.
Karly

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hey Karly, welcome to the forum.
Yea Laura I did mannage to miss you this weekend! 🙁
So much frustration. Ticked off that my test was cancled-I will call them first thing tomorrow and see whats going on. Still no smoking but afraid to get on the scale. I’ve made some discoverys about myself yet again. Frustration really still is a trigger for me. I have been mindlessly eating of late, a knee jerk reaction to all that is going on around me. My sister says my oldest brother is really depressed and she thinks he is thinking of sucide. She doesn’t know what to do-his common law wife threw him out and he is staying with her. Besides calling a hotline and letting him know there is help unless he is an emmitnent danger to himself there is not much you can do.
I have been having gambling dreams-but in these dreams I gamble. My sponser said it is my addiction acting out. The thought of going to the casino did cross my mind ( my sister lives near 2 of them ). I told myself they would not know me-I am banned from all casinos in the state-and then I had to remind myself that I really did NOT want to gamble-as I am no longer a gambler. Scary-I haven’t had a thought like that in a very long time.
Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends, Columbus day here so I will be off tomorrow too. Maybe I’ll catch some chats.
peace
bettie– 10/10/2011 9:08:06 PM: post edited by bettie.

[finding_laura]

Happy Thanksgiving to you too Bettie or happy Columbus Day!  Is there a fear driving a lot of this Bettie? Serenity prayer.  Getting your scan is very important and you’ve made the decision that you will be on the phone as soon as that dr’s office opens tomorrow.  You haven’t given in to the urge to smoke – fear may be helping in that as well.  I found quitting smoking triggered an urge to gamble. I gained twenty pounds, ate too much.  But I have taken it off now.  It’s that underlying compulsiveness for us, you and I, B.  It needs to be satisfied in one way or another until we learn to deal with what’s causing it, or maybe its learning new ways to cope.  I’m sorry to hear about your brother.  It is hard to watch a family member suffer.  And scary when there is a possibility that they may harm themselves.  Deep breath, think of all your accomplishments, line up the good things.  You are gamble free, smoke free, and more aware than ever of those inner forces.  I am thankful that I have met you miss Bettie.  Enjoy your day off xo
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Laura-you are such a good friend. Thanks for the reminders of what we all tend to forget, that no matter where we are in recovery we have all made progress. We need to work on building ourselves up instead of tearing ourselves down.
I had to make a few calls but was able to get my test done. I called a faciallity that I have used in the past and they were able to fit me in. My Dr didn’t want me to use that one for what ever reason but beggars ( like me, who pay thousands in insurance premiums ) can’t be chosers. Don’t know when I will get the results but I am assuming it will be soon.
Feeling a bit queasy so I think I will stick close to home.
peace
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
… So much frustration …  Frustration really still is a trigger for me …

Good morning Bettie,
Frustration is much akin to other troubled states of mind such as anxiety, worry, unnecessary concern, or may be a result from these feelings, all of which represent an inability to control things that are really out of our control.  Your rational thinking and determination to get around the cancellation of an appointment by using a different service shows that you can overcome a lot of life’s setbacks; you do not have to let them eat at you.  Your frustrations may be a trigger, but in this case your thinking things out and taking the time to work out a problem triggered a solution, not a need to escape.
For the ones that you can not overcome or work around, work on recognizing them for what they are and letting them go by following the guidelines of the Serenity Prayer (subject of today’s Reflection for the Day) — it is called serenity for a reason, it gives us a steadiness of mind under stress and counters and replaces the negative feelings in our lives.
At our GA meeting last night the readings was on anxiety; look back at yesterday’s Reflection for the Day, and "Remember, Anxiety (or frustration) never solved anything".
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware.
p.s. Hope you had an enjoyable day off for Columbus Day. Just think of the frustration that the reason of this Holiday caused the American Indian, yet they continue to strive to work around something that they can not change. (Not to lesson the seriousness of their plight, but I find a bit of ironic humor in one of the ways that they are overcoming, or perhaps revenging ??, what the "white man" did to them by running the Indian casinos; allowing for frustrations due to gambling to run amuck.)
Larry

Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.
 — 10/11/2011 4:09:07 PM: post edited by paul315.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Larry-always a breath of fresh air and clear thinking! Thanks for your input.
Dr appointment tomorrow afternoon. Will see what happens with that.
Been sleepy all week-hope to get some rest tonight.
Saw a new story-Priest stole $650 grand from his chuch in Las Vegas. Don’t have to be too smart to figure out where that money went. Being a CG can happen to anyone.
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! It’s interesting the things we get to know about people on these sites. Yesterday evening Jazz mentioned that my husband should have left for out of town work on Tuesday. I had to laugh as she knows my husband’s schedule as well as I do. And you, you have Thursdays off and tomorrow you’re hoping to get results from your scan. And about your job and your daughter, and the cats, and the FWB. We get emotionally invested in each other here and that’s one of the wonderful things about this site and SH. I am dearly hoping that your results are only good ones. We share in each other triumphs and discouragements, and we can count on each other. Friends of the heart! Sorry to hear about the priest. At least now he can get the help he needs as I’m sure his life was a living hell like the rest of us pre-recovery. Carole  

[bettie]

I think I regret the title of my post.
I saw the lung Dr today-he had good news/ bad new for me. I have a nodule in my right lung that is new in comparison to the last CT scan in 2007. I have a history of this and he said it has to be followed-most likely caused by the lung infection. The CT scan did find some stuff that I am not too happy about. I have some calcium build up in my arterys-smoking and being over weight doesn’t help that but the scarest news is that I have a nodule on the left side-in my breast.
He said that this would not have been found on my up coming mamogram-kind of a blessing in disguise. He is fowarding this result to my OB/GYN and I already have an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Just kind of freaked out right now.
bettie

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie: Sorry I haven’t been in touch for such a long time. I read your post and can feel your anxiety and fear in it … not unusual, I’d be freaking out too. However, try not to let your mind wander along the negative path. The best news is that you’ve taken the right steps of having yourself checked out. Now, you know what you’re dealing with and can do whatever it takes to correct it. Imagine what may have happened had you been negligent with your health and check-ups! Keep your chin up and visualize the best possible outcome. You probably just need a little medical tweaking and all will be well. Sending love, hugs and strength to you. Love RG– 10/14/2011 1:32:44 AM: post edited by runninggirl.

[desdemona]

OMGoodness Bettie! I don’t know what to say, except that your news is freaking me out too. Nodule in your lung and in breast. I pray that these are beneign (SP?). Please let me know about your appt tomorrow. Will you be able to get an ultrasound or mammogram right away? I hope so! Thinking of you Bettie! I"m here for you and can be there for you too if you need someone to hold your hand at any time. Carole

[vera]

I read your news B. I m not irnoring you but dont want to say the wrong thing at this time….we re all here with you B…wish we were nearer…The advances in medicine are amazing and when you have youth and beauty on your side it’s a bonus!!

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie
Thinking of you and hope everything turns out ok with your tests, please let us know how you are doing and what happens, you know we are all here for you right
 Living with Hope

[bettie]

God is good-let me tell you!
My ob/gyn saw me today and read the CT scan. She says given the size and the likely type of nodule the chances of this being cancer is very small. I have to get a digital Mamogram and if warrented a biospy. That is quite a relief, believe me! Not out of the woods but a heck of alot closer to the clearing.
Funny in a way, I had to bottom out to quit gambling and looks like I had to have a major scare to  make me quit smoking.
Thanks guys-I know I can always count on you all.
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! The news from the OB/GYN does sound a lot more promising than the news you received yesterday. I’m sure you are breathing easier today. What a relief!! So happy to hear your news. Carole

[jazz55]

Bettie,
I’ve been thinking about you Alot!  Keep the Faith, girl.  You are in my prayers.
Hope I catch up to you Soon, in chat!  I’ve missed you. 
Jazzy
 

[bettie]

Hi Everyone and thanks!
So upset today. One of my regular customers came in today-with 2 black eyes and a brused cheek. She got mugged and car jacked yesterday. All of 5 ft tall, 110 pounds and some animal punched her 3 times and slapped her. One guy ripped her pockets in her slacks looking for money. This woman is just the sweetest grandmother. How can anyone punch a grandma in the face-and throw her to the ground and take her car? This happened off a busy street at 7am, just 2 blocks from my work.
Well she is greatful that she survived-and said she was not moving from her home, because thats when "they" win.
Time to count my blessings
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Sorry to hear that this happened to this lady, and I do hope they find the males who did this to her. I didn’t want to call them animals because a lot of animals behave better than that. And at 7:00 am, perhaps it’s drug addicts! Hope I see you on chat today. Carole

[sherry123]

Betty, you’ve sure had your share of it latley!  Sounds like better news from the doctor.  Hope and pray you get through this with good health.  Very scary about the lady who got mugged.  Greed turns to evil…no reason someone could hurt or steal from anyone. 

[gunner27]

Hi Bettie just sending you my best wishes, and sorry to hear about that poor woman, what a brave guy eh to go and do something like that. At least people like him normally get his comeuppance sooner or later. Jim

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Off to the dentist tomorrow. I have an afternoon outing to see "Footloose" . Wedding reception Friday night.
Funny  to have so much to do. The Florida trip is in 3 weeks-wow-that came up really fast.
Need to pace myself. I find just going to work is still exausting. This place needs a good clean up but I am way too tired (lazy) to do it.
City sure is windy tonight. Fall had arrived with a bang!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Dentist says I have a cavity-really?
Who would have thought that??
lol!
bettie

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie, you are so funny, you always make me laugh.  How was footloose, how did your tests go, is all ok
 Living with Hope

[bettie]

Hey Hope,
I have not had the Mamo yet-need to schedule that. I get another CT but not until April.
Glad to report that I am not smoking, although I miss it, esp after I eat, but it’s not bad at all. I surived Gambling urges-shurely a little cigrette urge won’t kill me- I only smoked about 25 years of my life! How stupid was I?
Oh well-need to let that go as I can’t take it back. Much like my gambling losses it was free will and my choise-driven by addiction-but my choise none the less.
Glad to see you out there fighting the good fight.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well the wedding reception was interesting to say the least. The grooms uncle brought a "date". He must be in his 60’s. The girl was quite something. I think I’ll leave it at that. I had a couple drinks and it’s funny how the urge to smoke and gamble popped their ugly heads. No major "I got to go do this" urge but it was there. I was around a lot of smokers Friday so that was a test for sure. bettie 1 addiction 0.
Took yesterday off and stayed in and did nothing but eat and sleep. My back is really acting up. Can’t wait to see the chiropractor. Couldn’t get in till Tuesday pm.
peace
bettie
p.s. Hope, the movie was ok-if u liked the origional u should like this one too.

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie glad you got past those urges ok, you should be proud of you, no gambling, no smoking, wahooo you are doing a wonderful job.  Glad you got to have some fun going to the movies.  Hope your tests are all ok
 Living with Hope

[female g]

such determination and such success. Well done Girlfriend. So much to be proud of and a great example for the GA communityG

[غير معروف]

Hi B, not caught up in a while, miss you at group. Sounds as if you have had lots on your plate but have been managing admirably. Hope to catch up soon. Cathie X

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie
I hope you are going ok, just thinking of you and hope to see you again soon ok.
 Living with Hope

[bettie]

hI gUYS,
So nice to see my "old" friends checking in! I’m still here-plugging away day by day and I am so glad to see u guys here too.
Trying to get my mind set back to where it was just a few months back. I find my "addictive voice" telling me defeating messages-I am worthless-I am ugly-I can’t. I got a bit of a wake up call. My gf was talking to one of her friends from my job. She had quite a bit to say about me and how negative I am all the time. Somehow I thought I was past that-and that I was projecting a more postive attitute. I had to replace my anger with logic-and try to see her point of view. She has some valid points. When I get frustrated at work, having no one there anymore that I am close to vent with, I have turned to this person, thinking she was my friend. I had to take a new stand – her opinion of me is none of my business-and she is intitled to her opinion. She also mentioned some gossip about me and the FWB to my gf too. I think the reason that that makes me mad is because it’s true. While "they" don’t know the details-like the fact that he is seperated-I don’t feel the need to explain my personal business. ( I just post that for the world to see instead! LOL!)
I am finding myself slipping behind on my goals this quarter-and I am finding it difficult to let it go and let God have it. I think that has a lot to with my weight gain and not smoking and work gearing up for more micro managing at work. I feel panic, and I don’t like it.
My Doctor called me to discuss my CT. This was my primary dr. He seemed a bit tiffed that I knew what he was going to tell me. I told him about the change of blood pressure pills from the lung dr and I told him i needed a RX. He got a bit snotty, asked me "who’s supost to mannage that? " I answered well that would be you. He told me I needed to come to his office so he could check my blood pressure. More money for him. He also wants me to get a scan that insurance won’t pay for. He tells me it’s too cheap-just $140. Gee, wonder if he knows I have to work more than a day to take home $140? ( Funny that that wasn’t too much to spend in the casino but I don’t want to spend it on myself? )
Got my massage today-painful but good.
Bought Halloween candy today-It won’t make it to the 31st. Peanut butter cups, Mmmmmmmm!
peace
bettie
 
 

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
So nice to see my "old" friends checking in!…

Good afternoon Bettie, just another "old" friend checking in; I check in with every post you make, but this time I will do the posting so that you can see it. It is good to know first hand that there are those that you can vent to. We have enough she-said-he-said type feedback on our actions and life; if we we could only convert all the energy that some people spend on jumping to conclusions, running of at the month, and stooping low enough to spread the gossip, we would not have to worry about our own exercising or any needed weight control. We could enjoy Halloween candy without any guilt – other than having none left when the trick-or-treaters show up      (it’s a Jack-o-Lantern, not a smiley face).  
And you do have one positive thing that is a big favor to you in your health maintenance, you are not allergic to peanut butter  (now it is a smiley face).
We all set goals for ourselves that are a little higher and harder to reach than we can expect early on in any program or effort, it is called motivation.  Others may see it as unreasonable expectations, but when we sit high goals they are not unreasonable, our blind desire for ease and swiftness in reaching them is where unreasonableness come into play. An understanding that sometimes things take longer than planned adds a realistic touch to all we do.  As for the purpose of this service here at GT, you are doing much better than you expected you could at the beginning, I know that I have in my recovery, and I can see that success in you also. 
God’s speed. Strong strong.  My prayers are with you.
Larry

Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.– 10/26/2011 9:07:49 PM: post edited by paul315.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Larry thanks as always for the thought provoking post. Always exciting to look at a post and see your "trade mark" orignally posted by xxxxxx. Yes the candy is gone. I will buy something on Sunday to leave by my door. Don’t think I have had a Trick or Treater up here in years-but I leave something out "just in case". I remember the frustration when I was a kid and no one answered a door. Love the art work!
Motovatation. There’s a big word. I have none when it comes to working on the next big thing-me. Seems like I always gear up for the Holidays by being "on a diet". I skipped that last year with poor results. On the other hand I am tired of beating myself up over my eating too. I was talking to my friend last night. He asked if I was trying to kill myself with food. I told him that made sense to me. I think more than anything else I am putting the "fat wall" back up around me. In my mind if I am unaproachable then "you can’t hurt me." This illiness just manifestests itself in so many ways. Some days I feel like I got this licked-some days I feel like "who am I trying to kid?"
Talked to my sponser last night. I think I have really put my step work on the back burner. Time to get back on track but frankly, I don’t want to do this. I think I am going through one on those moody stages. My friend asked me why I never remarried. That question always hurts. " Because no one wanted me" is the answer that pops in my head. I guess when you have such low self esteem it just permeates the air and everyone picks up on in.
bettie

[kathryn]

Hiya B,
Listen to me…..
You chose not to get remarried because no one was good enough!  Im sure you could have picked up Mr Average Joe anytime you liked, and why on earth would you do that?  After all, a smart woman like you does have standards!!!
I find it enraging that people who are your ‘friends’ feel that they have the god given right to ask you a question that not only makes you uncomfortable, but makes you feel bad about yourself. Who needs friends like that?  I am very offended with that girl and if i ever come over for a cuppa one day please make sure she isnt there, she wouldnt like the aussie way of dealing with situations like that (well, my aussie way, which would be to say, well, ill tell you why i didnt get remarried if you tell me why you are wearing that revolting dog ugly shirt today!!!)
Ok, so i may be exaggerating, (maybe im not either!!), but regardless, i wish you could see yourself how i know so many, including me see you.
B, we all have days when we feel like crap, fat days, sad days, frustrated days, angry days….its just another day.  So this so called friend has made you feel rotten, you and i know that the only people who can change ourselves is us, and letting someone, anyone make you feel less than who you are is not worth one ounce of your energy. 
You, my friend are loved.  It may not be by a husband (and coming from experience, its not all its cracked up to be!) but so many people love you.  I am sending you a big pillow of love today B, it should reach you by 5pm.  Be good to yourself girl, and dont be so hard on yourself, find the good, and get that little whispering self esteem devil off your shoulder.  When you leave work today, look up and know that my little bundle is just about to arrive and make you feel all gooey inside…lol.
Hope to see you on the weekend,
Love K xxxxxxxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Sorry B, i double posted xxxx– 28/10/2011 9:36:34 PM: post edited by Kathryn.

[vera]

Was that a male friend who asked why you never remarried, B? Maybe it was a proposal, or am I a romantic at heart?

[bettie]

Ok Kathryn,
I do feel all gooey-because I have eaten so much food today I am almost in a food coma! I promised myself Monday is the day! I feel so bloated and sick. We had a catered lunchon at work-sole food-OMG! It was SO GOOD! Fried and grilled chicken, fried fish, seasoned to perfection. Greens, corn bread, rolls, candied sweet potatos, string beans w/potatos, baked macaroni and cheese, sage dressing w/jalpanos, don’t forget the gravy. Almost forgot the German Chocolate Cake. MMMMmmmmmm!!!!!!
If I have gained this week at least it’s because I ate, and ate well! The Florida trip is in less than two weeks. Seems it snuck right up on me.
As for the marrage comment, Vera that was the FWB. Who else in this world can make me feel like a piece of cr*p?
He has asked me that before but he is very insentitave to my feelings. In his defense I think, in retrospect, it’s more of a curious question on his part, because he knows what a nice person I am, and doesn’t understand why I never found anyone. I am the one who thinks no one wanted me. Truth be told I disliked myself so much I did everything in my power to make myself undesirable.  wow-light bulb moment!
Thank you my lovely friends, I know u love me!
What would I do without you??
bettie
speaking of little bundles-my niece is making me a Great Aunt again! Look how long we have been together on the forum-I was only a regular Aunt when I got here.

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie
You are so much stronger than you once were and it shows in your post that you are recognizing things now too in your own behaviour and self esteem.  You are a great person with a big heart and you know we all love you Bettie.  I have humongous self esteem issues too and am really going to try to work on those with some counselling.  I also like you like to enjoy my food so have to work on that one too, but for me right now, one is all i can cope with and that is not gambling.  Phew.  You have done so well Bettie.  I admire you.
 Living with Hope

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
guess I have been reading and not posting.
I had the mamo today-had an untrasound too. All is good! I have an oily cist-never heard of such a thing-but nothing to worry about. Thanks to you all for your prayers and support. Will have another CT in April for the lung.
Still not smoking-thats a plus. Where is all that extra money I should have now? LOL! I always seem to spend it as fast or faster than I make it.
I have mannaged 3 decient workouts this week, thats a start. I haven’t recovered from the Halloween candy yet but I am a work in progress.
Random gambling thoughts and dreams lately. Must fess up to a really stupid thing I did. I looked at some online casino games on a "social network". I got out fast! The look, the sounds, the "feel"-way too close to the real thing. As GA says " Don’t test or tempt yourself". No truer words ever written. I felt like I had gambled-and some hardliners would say I did-but thats as close as I ever hope to get to it again.
peace
bettie

[finding_laura]

Hi Bettie,
sorry I had to run yesterday.  I had to leave as soon as i got off the phone.  I’m proud of you B   Very very very proud!!!!  No smoking is a huge!  And three workouts this week!  I am trying too.  I didn’t get my gym set up but I’ve been walking instead.  And it is on my mind, so hopefully this weekend I’ll get things moved into the rec room this weekend.  The winter weather will be moving in shortly and I want to be ready in case i can’t get out walking.  I played darts last night, just a night out, but it was at a venue.  Felt strange as I don’t know if I’ve been there in the two years since i stopped gambling!  Happy Friday B!  Catch you for coffee in the morning hopefully.  take care,
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
3 days and off to Florida! Now I am getting excited. Can’t wait to get away from work.
Trying to get inspired to work out. I got on the scale-even after working out this week-I haven’t lost an ounce. I think thats the most frustrating thing for me. I feel like I should have lost weight yet I have not. I gained like 8 pounds in a week last month and I can’t manage to loose 1 lousy pound when I am making an effort to do so. Ok, I’m not on some big diet or anything but gee-am I asking too much? I mean why can’t I be "normal" on some level? I guess given the chance that’s what I would ask God-there has to be a reason why my life has to always lean toward the "hard way". Maybe I have some built in radar the puts up the blinders and seeks the rough road. I don’t know. Sometimes I just don’t get it. Am I asking too much? I can’t seem so surrender this-left to my own device I try to "give up" but wind up "giving in". I would do nothing but eat junk all day and never get out of the chair given a choise. Kind of pitiful I guess, but true none the less.
I have been a bit depressed this week, hormones I suspect. My "friend" canceled plans with me this week. Seems an old friend contacted him and that was more importaint than seeing me. I didn’t take that too well. When do I become importaint enough for him to break plans with someone else to spend time with me? I can answer my own question-never-because I mean nothing to him. And the best part is I still don’t want to stop seeing him-why?-because I don’t want to be alone. Thats a big joke-because I couldn’t be more alone if I tried.
I really need some time away!
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie, I am VERY proud of what you have accomplished so far being gamble free for over a year, having quit smoking, and your three work-outs last week. I didn’t even make it to the month mark with the quitting smoking, so I know how hard it is. And to try and lose weight so soon after quitting smoking is asking really a lot from yourself. You’ve had your health scares lately and that would throw most of us off balance in our lives. Plus your actual health issues. And your support person at your job site leaving is stressful. I can’t imagine anyone saying that you had a negative attitude in the workplace.  Obviously that person you vented to in your workplace does not have your best interests in mind. I hope that you have a wonderful time in Florida and at the wedding. Your friend always, Carole

[finding_laura]

Hiya B,
we all need to sit on the pity pot now and again, and I can totally relate.  I might just sit in a chair all day and eat cookies and cheesecake too.  But we deserve more than that.  It might be instant gratification but look at the side affects!  So,
I’ve got my gym set up 🙂 Ready to go, even used it yesterday.  And, I’m getting ready to take puppy dog for a walk.  I’m working a night shift so i get to take advantage of the morning sunshine.  Thanks Bettie for you inspiration.  You enjoy that trip down south, soak up the sunshine.  I’ll keep you posted! 
luv Laura

[vera]

Enjoy Florida Bettie!
"when you enjoy the scent of a thousand flowers, you won’t miss the fragrance of one!"
If your "friend" chose not to meet you, it’s HIS loss!

[bettie]

I have arrived. Quite the adventure so far. My cousin insists on doing the driving and I was correcting her before we got out of the airport parking lot! LOL! She was flying down the road, yacking away and I was like, Hey-slow down than’s curve! I swear she would have driven right off the road had I not said something. The next major driving error was a left turn into head on traffic! She claims she knew to swing out but trust me-she didn’t!
God, grant me the serenity……
peace
bettie
( I’m driving today! lol! )

[kathryn]

Hiya B,
Im not sure when you are returning, but i thought id send a little post your way.  I hope you are having a wonderful time, and im also extremely grateful that you are driving that car!!!!!
Love ya, K xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! The second best thing about going away, I find, is coming home. Sleeping in your own bed and getting back to eating home cooked food. You mentioned that your family is insane. Isn’t that the norm for most families? I hope you had some fun on your trip anyways!! Carole

[bettie]

Gee Carole, You said a mouthful!
Yes, I did have some fun on my vacation. I also got some big insite into the mental illness that runs in my family. I have spent alot of time with my cousin over the years. Much like my mother she is fine in small doses. I had no idea that she also has control issues. Anything that wasn’t just to her liking was unacceptable, statements like " I will NOT be rushed" as she made me and her sister wait 1 & 1/2 hours for her to get ready to go do something that she wanted to do, were common. I took note how her sister dealt with her-she went along with what ever it was she wanted to do and in her time frame-avoid the problem and it will go away.
Oh well I could go on and on. I will be spending a lot of time hashing this out with my sponser, lol!
I did feel very special when flying into Chicago last night. I have forgotten just how beautiful the lights of the city are, and how fortunate I am to have the chance to do and see so many things that many people only dream of.
My cats really missed me.
peace
bettie
 — 11/17/2011 8:37:02 PM: post edited by bettie.

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! Your cousin sounds like an exercise in total frustration. Dr. Phil said that people that make other people wait for them consistently, have an exaggerated sense of how important they are. You have a lot of patience because after what I considered a reasonable time, I would have said I wasn’t going and went back to my room. Were your kitties angry that you were gone? I had a cat like that once. He would sit and turn his back on me till he got over being angry. At least they have each other for company.  Have you done a lot of step 4 work? I hadn’t planned to yet, but the universe orchestrated events that have forced me to recognize my many character defects and the ugly side of me. I don’t think it’s a character defect but I do excessively worry, so I am going to start finding strategies to manage that. The long and short of it, is that I’m not feeling like such a success recently, even though I have not gambled. But with pain in recovery, I expect growth. Step 4 is making me feel like crap. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Carole, i am just starting step 3, but i should be moving that along. I did a lot of recovery work on my vacation, i just didn’t realize it.
For those of you I didn’t see in the chat today I had a real crisis of self loathing during and after the wedding ceremony.
I sat with the grooms family-his Mom, Dad and 2 Aunts, my cousins. It dawned on me that I was going to be in many photos. (For those of you that don’t know the "fwb" is a photographer that I have known for 4 years and he has NO photos of me.)
I am totally uncomfortable in photos. I have such a bad self image. I think that I look ok-very good in fact-but the real problem with pictures is that they don’t lie-and seeing a bad pitcure of myself is enough to send me into a real depression. I could not move to a different seat. After the ceremony they were taking a million photos. They asked me to join my cousin with the bride and groom. I did so to make them happy. They took like 3 or 4, which tells me they must have been bad. Ok I did it, I went back to my seat.
After waiting for a bunch more photo taking I was warm and not feeling well. They decited that they wanted one more shot of everyone left in the church. I had had enough. I said no, and I went out the door. I went down the path and sat on a bench, waiting to go to the reception. About 5 minutes later everyone exited the chapel. My cousin (grooms mom) came up to me, angry, telling me how I had scared her by leaving. (she is a nurse) I told her I had said I didn’t want to be in any more pictures and had said so. I didn’t want to make a fuss and as I felt a panic attack coming on so I did what I thought was best. She didn’t like my explanation and was snotty to me the rest of the day.
Her sister, the cousin I traveled with, asked me the same question. I got to hear about it at the reception, at that point I was really upset. Everywhere I turned there were more photos being taken. They were taking pictures as we got food, taking pictures of people dancing, there was a do it yourself photo booth that my cousins tried to get me get me to join them in.
The next day we went to see the bride and groom and it was brought up again, this time by the bride. (She is a mental health Dr by the way!) Cousin Bettie why didn’t you want to be in our pictures? Why did you leave? I told her I really didn’t want to have a panic attack in her wedding chapel and I thought I was doing her a favor.
My cousin mentioned it yet again when we were on the plane. "XXXXXXX was so cute asking "where did cousin bettie go" when you left the chapel." We were in the plane, taking off to go home. I turned my head away from her and felt the tears rolling down my cheeks. I closed my eyes and didn’t respond to her. I felt like a total *ss!
I know from the recovery work that I have done that this is my addiction working on me, underminding the success I have had, fighting to get out.
I am so discouraged by my weight gain. This is the point where I usually go back to smoking. Smoking is not an option, not if I want to live. I got an order from the doctor for an ultrasound of my heart, due to the plack buildup found on the Ct scan.
I know I have to be kinder to myself, I just don’t know how.
Today I can see myself gambling over all of this but like smoking, Gambling is not an option.
peace
bettie– 11/19/2011 4:31:59 AM: post edited by bettie.

[desdemona]

My Dear Bettie! I can so relate to what you are saying about not wanting to be in photos. I try and avoid them at all costs. In the past ten years I have put on weight and don’t feel good about it, but obviously don’t feel bad enough to do anything about it. I have struggled with weight all of my life. It too is a symptom of underlying pain, just like compulsive gambling. Your explanation to family members of not wanting to be in any more pictures should have sufficed, and you telling them that you were going to have an anxiety attack, had you stayed, should have brought out compassion, and not the relentless attack you suffered. We can’t choose our family but we can put boundaries around people that affect our self-esteem, including and especially family. I’ve adopted the attitude that what you see is what you get, and if people don’t like it, it’s their problem, because my weight doesn’t define me. It doesn’t take away from the caring person I am. And it doesn’t take away from the beautiful person you are, inside and outside. Carole

[bettie]

Thanks Carole,
Well I tried to do something to cheer myself up today. I cut my hair. Not a trim,  a cut! At least 6 inches off the back. I have been thinking about cutting it all off for a while and I thought today was as good as any. I got an inverted bob, the ladies will know what that is.
Got my nails done too.
Back to work tomorrow, the time really flew!
peace
bettie 

[vera]

Sounds lovely B!
Good luck with back to work! Get my e mail?

[bettie]

Hey V!
No luck involved, just lots of prayers and asking God to take my work stress away.
I will only make my goal if it’s Gods will, so I just have to have faith and let it go. The bank regional manager said they were lowering the goal for the 4th quarter which I thought ment mine would be lower however they meant the branch goal, not the indiviual ones!
It’s all good-I have some serenity!
peace
bettie– 11/22/2011 3:28:50 AM: post edited by bettie.

[finding_laura]

Hi B,
I’m sorry that you have been having such a tough time, hope the cut and the pretty nails are doing the trick 🙂  I gained weight too when i quit smoking.  But i wasn’t smoking!   And for the first time i didn’t really want to.  But I am an addict. Carbohydrates have always been an issue with me. So seems i over indulged in that area.  If i can be addicted to it I will, but only the easy things for me!  I’m not an excercise junkie! 
My injuries and pain, health problems and meds have aged my appearance greatly in the last 6 years. And I gained that quit smoking weight on top of the weight gain from not being able to move around much.  But, I’m smoke free over a year and a half, I have lost and kept off more than half of the 20 pounds i gained and I am still working on being healthy.  And i don’t need people who judge me by appearance.  I am more than my shell.
Thank you to both you and Carole for your deep honesty.  Painful subjects.  I know reading them has helped me to reaffirm my resolve to be physically, mentally and spiritually healthy.  Working on these feelings can be painful, but the growth and release that comes from letting them go i think is worth it.  As we replace them with better feelings.
You are beautiful B!  I am walking today.  Overall I’m stronger but back and neck paining.  Massage today thank god.  Hope to catch up with you soon B. 
luv ya,
Laura xo
 

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
No luck involved …

Good morning Bettie,
No luck involved is exactly how you are at the place you are today, you have reached this point by accepting and working at reaching this point. Your true strengths and abilities are more powerful than the less positive thoughts that you hold onto.
I even see your manager recognizing the good you do at work. If the goal for the whole branch is being lowered, it to make her look good; in keeping your goal the same is recognition that your work and the higher results are needed for any hope in meeting the lower goals. If you were allowed to think that you did not have to work as hard, the whole branch, and the manager, would suffer. You seem to be the strength of the office as well; they do not want to depend on luck either. Just my thoughts, but I have seen this happen so many times in my work experiences.
God’s speed. Stay strong.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

In this life one should know who their friends are. On this Thanksgiving Day (US) I’ve had 5 hours sleep after having been stood up by the FWB. Went to sleep crying and woke up feeling the same way but u know what? I am greatful because I am finally getting it in my thick head that people can only treat you like cr*p if you let them. I deserve better, and I told him so in an angry text at 2am. That may not sound like much but it is a GIANT step for me, someone with the self esteem of an ant. There is no room in my life to let some one better come along as long as I keep holding on to this  co dependent degrading relationship. I’m tired of being an afterthought. If I asked someone to color and cut my hair, free of charge of course, and they thought enough of me to bake me a treat and were expecting me I doubt I would have started drinking with my buddy and called and lied, "No, I’m still coming over" when in reality the drinking was more fun and importaint than the stupid idiot who’s trying to buy my affection. ( he owes me money too-I thought I had a handle on this co dependent behaviour-but as u can see I was wrong!)
Stick a fork in this turkey- I am done!
I really want a cigrette, I even considered going out at 2am to buy some but didn’t want the store clerk to see my red puffy eyes. Like the casino thoughts I had last night this craving should pass but still thinking I will smoke with my sister today. How stupid is that? I am also thinking about the Thanksgivings that my daughter and I drove from my Mom’s to the "boat". I miss that but again, that was in my pre CG days. No painful memories there. If I did that today it would truely be a disaster, and the new memory would be a nightmare.
So where are all my thankful things today?
My health scares-so far just scary.
My job, I have one.
My family-they make me seem less crazy!
My REAL friends-quality is better than quanity!
The roof over my head and the pets that share it with me. True unconditional love is a wonderful thing!
For all the wonderful recovery people who help me everyday. My sponser, GT, SH-just to name a few.
Of course, for all of you!
peace
bettie
 
 

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I’m sorry to hear that you were so upset, but as they say awareness is the first step, and you are making progress in kicking that individual to the curb. You call him the friend with benefits. He is neither friend nor are there any benefits to you if you think about it. The benefits are all one sided. You would not allow anyone else to threaten your recovery, so why allow him. I can understand you wanting to smoke under those circumstances, so interacting with him also threatens your health status, with the many health issues you have. You lost sleep over how he treated you and you say you sent him an angry text at 2:00 am. Do you honestly think he lost any sleep over how badly he treated you? He knows from past experience that he just has to do the smallest kindness and then he’s back in your life. Seems to me that I also remember that he stood you up not that long ago before this.  You have been able to quit gambling and work your recovery well, as well as quit smoking, which are two of the most difficult addictions. Think of him as an addiction and start working recovery so that you can cut emotional ties with this man. You know I tell you these things Bettie because I consider you a good friend and want more for you than this one-sided "relationship." Let go of the familiar like you did when you quit your other addictions, and deal with him like you did with the gambling and smoking urges. One day at a time. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well Carole as I posted on your thread you re perfectly correct. Me, on the other hand, am perfectly insane. No new news there.
I’m sitting around with nothing to do.I pulled out my recovery work sheets, step 3. I am confused. I have been holding back info from my sponser. I do believe she thinks the fwb is out of my life and has been for a long time. I never said he was, she made the assumpion and I never corrected her. Now why would I do that? Easy. Because I would have to face the truth. It’s one of those "if you really knew me you would not like me" moments. Not sure how I will aproach this with her but I have a real need to. I find myself with many thoughts of gambling, smoking and eating. My exclusion at the native casino has expired and I could apply for readmission or do the right thing-and re up the ban for another 2 years. I am in danger and I know it. It’s the d*mn feeling sorry for self and not being truthful thats gotten me into the shape I’m in. I am depressed about the weight, I know thats part of it too. I am a mess mess mess mess! 
The holidays are here and yet another year I have no one special to share things with. I’m in that funk-the one where you put on the happy face-while you just die on the inside-wanting to know why you are and have always been so different than the rest of the world. Sometimes I think I’ll do something differently the next time but there is no next time. This is it! I feel cheated.
I was going to decorate today but had 2nd thoughts. It’s a lot of work for no one to really see. I will put up the tree and hang the stockings. I was reading Jaysons thread and he mentioned a special stocking. Jen’s stocking was made by my dad. She was the oldest grandchild and the only one who has one made by grandpa. My dad taught her to drive. I remember warning him that she was not a good driver and to keep a close eye on her. He told me to shut up, she’ll do fine. When they got back I asked him how she did. "Fine, she did just fine." Years later she confessed she almost put the car in a ditch taking a corner. Thats a special grandpa-the one who doesn’t rat you out to your mom.
I think I’m a bit pms-sorry for the ramble!
peace
bettie

[reds]

Hi Bettie –
You post that you are in danger and you know it – the fact your ban has expired, and you seem very low in spirits.
If I was there I would accompany you to that casino, and then take you out for a nice dinner to celebrate that you did something good for yourself.  In the frame of mind you are now in, don’t approach that casino with any cash, credit or debit cards in hand.  Is there a sponsor or friend from GA who could accompany you ?
I know you are having thoughts of smoking, but I don’t think you really want to go there, who wants to go thru the hell of quitting again ?  Not me.
When winter closes in, my spirits take a nose dive too.  Exercise and fresh air could help, but its so icy outside I can’t walk, is there snow/ice on the ground where you are ?
You also post that you feel you are different from the rest of the world – really ?  because when I read your post, it feels like I wrote it.  We are so alike, Bettie, from the late onset of gambling to the eating, to the feeling of isolation.   I also feel that, if people reallly knew me, they wouldn’t like me.  This disease we have seems to prey on people who feel isolated.  Not anymore !  We have each other to lean on.  Stay strong and let us know how you are doing.
redsGambling is not an option.

[sherry123]

Hi Bettie, I’m sorry you are having a hard time right now.  I think the Holidays are hard even if you have someone to share them with. Of course the excitement the first few years of a relationship make the Holidays fun but that excitement fades too.  I like Christmas and family time but I dread the over spending, over eating and feeling the pain from childhood holidays.  I agree with Reds that we are more alike than not.
Hope you do the ban again…and soon.  You’ve done so good and deserve more gamble free years. Don’t treat yourself the way fwb (I’m guessing that stands for former boyfriend or friends with benefits?) does.  You deserve happiness.  Have you tried online dating?  I know two people that met good matches and are having fun. Bettie, protect yourself because you are the only one that knows your best interest.  Hope you re-up your ban immediately and reward yourself for doing it!

[غير معروف]

Isn’t it funny how those of us with low self esteem see ourselves so differently than other people do?  I have met Bettie and from the bottom of my heart, she is beautiful, outgoing, classy and funny!  I so wish you could see yourself the way others do Bettie.  God BlessIf you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[gunner27]

Hi Betty
The isolation, well that definitely seems to be a recurring theme amongst many of us. All of us are islands in some respects. I believe as such we all need to learn to go easy on ourselves a bit more and be more understanding of our own weird make ups. Then maybe we will be better able to be around all those annoying people out there who dont understand us, and maybe find the odd one or two who do.  

[vera]

Bettie!
As I read through your post something struck me, but not for the first time. It’s this!
You seem to tie up your worth B, with "being part of someone’s life" and having "someone special" in your life.  As children,I think we are conditioned to believe that we need to be loved. The fairytale where the princess meets her prince or kisses the ugly frog to "turn him into" a handsome man. Women were placed in a position where we were convinced we had to " get a man" , "stand by your man" and " give him all you’ve got" in order to have a happy life. I’m learned that this conditioning is false!…Let’s think about the reality of  B! Does your happiness depend on "having a man"???? NO! Is every married woman happy??? I’d say not! Can any man make you happy forever and if he does for a while,  are you on tender hooks ( because of your distorted self -worth), waiting for him to find out your weakness or discover the real you??? What if he leaves? Or dies? What becomes of your self worth then??
I think most women, especially the beautiful, intellegent, funny and maybe a bit rtund gals live in this false hope….and we look in the wrong places ..
The reality B, is that NOBODY has the power to make you SAD.. or HAPPY for that matter and it is only when we look inwards for our TRUE worth that the answers will come. And in that inner stillness we will come to know our worth and we will see where it comes from. We will realise that our  relationship status, i.e. married/single is irrelevent. The One Who loves us with an evelasting love is the One who knows your true worth B. Only He can show us our true worth and when we betray Him, we also betray ourselves. In the priest’s sermon today, he said the things of earth not only tie us to earth but can also lead us to hell if we abuse those earthly gifts. I do believe that because addiction, I have no doubt is a fast track to damnation unless we turn back and change our ways!
Think about it B and your whole outlook on life will change.
The last things you need in your life are.. selfish men, gambling and cigarettes!
Do some "inner work" and you ll be surprised of what will be revealed to you!
Tomorrow is a new day!
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for your responses and advice.
It’s just one of those pitty party days, where I feel so worthless and hopeless and lonely. It’s hormones and dark skys and rain. It will pass I just haven’t had a spell like this is quite a while. Much like a gambling hangover I don’t miss it much either.
Looking inward is quite frightening Vera-today is just one of those days where I feel empty and without purpose.
bettie

[caron]

Betty,  You do have purpose.  You have helped me more than you know.  I wish there was something I could say to help cheer you up.  I know I have had days like that, and they do pass.  I do know that we have the answers with in us.  we just need help sorting it out.  Take care

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Caron you said just the right thing at just the right time. Thank you, and everyone else who posted. As supected mother nature has taken care of most of my mood but this was an exceptionally low swing. I have tried hormone therapy-so instead of 5-7 unbearable days i had like 30-lol! All kidding aside I even scared myself this time. I will try to call my Dr tomorrow and see what she has to say.
progress not perfection
bettie– 11/29/2011 1:22:31 PM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just a quick check in. Feeling so much better. Funny how the mind can go an a wild rollercoaster ride and take your sanity right along with it.
Staying off the scale-it is making me a wreck right now.
Reading "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie-also reading "Codependant No More"-recomended reading for all recovering people and the people who love them.
Trying to watch what i am eating-no diet but a move in the right direction.
Asked my daughter to help me decorate for Christmas-she agreed.
Asking for help, now there’s a new one. I am so much like my mom-I expect people to know that I am lonely, hurting, depressed and that i need to connect. Easier to feel sorry for myself than ask-talk about setting yourself up to fail! At least this is not one of those "I wish I had …….before I slipped". I have the knowledge that I have gained in recovery to know this is the addiction working and working hard to get me back. Call me parinoid-thats ok. Better to be safe than sorry. I will have to vent and get those ugly feelings out-so I can move foward. ODAAT
peace
bettie

[pumkin113b]

Originally posted by bettie

I expect people to know that I am lonely, hurting, depressed and that i need to connect. Easier to feel sorry for myself

Great insight bettie! I can so relate to this.  Pumkin

[caron]

Hey Betty, Glad you are feeling better, and taking steps to help yourself.  I find that the best self care is to acknowledge your feelings, do something nice for yourself, Ask for help, and help will come.  I know it is not easy to ask for help.  I find it hard to do myself.  I am also on a journey of self discovery.  It has been tough, opening old wounds, however, I understand myself better.  One of the books that has helped me is called The Power is Within You, by Louise Hay, actually,  I think I will read it again.  I love Louise Hay, I’ve read all her books. some of them more than once.   

[bettie]

 
Well I thought I was feeling better….
My daughter came over to help put up the tree. Bad start. I couldn’t find the key to the storage, had to take the door off the door hinge to get in. Jen brought a girlfriend with. She was more interested in socializing than really helping me.
I got the tree put together and opened the box of ornaments, delicate glass ones on top. One in particular was a gift from my Dad. The very one she picks up, says this one really needs to be on the tree, and she slams it back into the box on top of another glass ornament. I heard a "pop"- and felt my face drop. She smashed it, then proceeded to tell me it was not broken, and that she did nothing wrong.
I know it’s just a glass bulb but it can’t be replaced. I’m crying sitting here thinking about it.
So stupid

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie: Sorry to hear you’re a little down and so sorry about your precious ornament. It is hard to lose something we treasure. I hope that by the time you read this things will be brighter and you will be sitting down in a Snuggie with a gorgeous glass of rum and eggnog with cinnamon sticks, enjoying your beautiful tree. Smile, my friend. Sending love and hugs and happy season thoughts. Love, RG

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh RG, what a wonderful thought! Thanks my friend!
Well, it has been a trying couple of days. I was on my lunch Friday when I got a call from Jen. She was to meet me at work to do her banking. I could tell something was wrong. She started saying how it didn’t matter, nothing mattered, she didn’t matter, I said "Woa-whats going on?" Seems her and the BF were in the middle of a row. I got there asap, made him leave, as she would not call the police. He told me he wanted me to know his side. Sorry buddy, even if  he had a bloody nose his "side" was no concern of mine. Seems he shoved her to the floor, hit her in the face, in general knocked her around quite a bit. The poor cats were huddled together, dogs barking, a free for all for sure! Ok, so why didn’t I call the police, because I know he has drugs in the house aside from the fact that she didn’t want me to. These are NOT children we’re talking about here. He’s 31, she’s 30. I had to go back to work a total wreck, calling her every 30 minutes or so to make sure he stayed away.
I went to my GA meeting last night and talked about the ornament. I remembered why the thing ment so much to me. My Mom ruled the roost at my house. She would give my dad $2 a day for spending money-besides his cigrettes and lunch. He held on to that money like a miser. There were a couple of times where my dad bought car parts out of "his" money for me, (Don’t tell your mother!) He took me to lunch once too.
There was a Christmas about 28 years ago. I was seperated from my husband, Jen was a baby and I had a room mate with two little boys. We had no money to speak of. It was a week before Christmas and we still had not put up a tree, because we couldn’t afford it. My dad took me to the florist shop, bought us a tree. " Don’t tell your mother."
Even the men in my meeting were a bit choked up. Needless to say I bawled my eyes out. But at least I know why now. I had forgotten about that tree until last night. Maybe thats why the orniment got broken-so I would remember that beautiful memory of my dad.
So back to Jen’s last night and after work today. I am so tired. She has really painted herself into a corner with these animals. No one will rent to you with 1 pets, not to mention 4. She needs to get back to work so she can afford to live on her own and not have to rely on someone else to help pay rent.
I really want to smoke! Trying to stay indoors so I am not tempted to go buy some.
Life, who knew?
peace
bettie
It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….
Looking for the Wisdom– 12/4/2011 5:02:26 AM: post edited by bettie.

[kathryn]

Hi Bettie,
You know what, im not sorry you broke that ornament, because if it was meant to happen for you to remember something wonderful about your father, it cant be a bad thing.  I know what thats like B, Christmas makes me think of my Dad too, he made my Christmases wonderful, magical.  He is on my mind a lot this time of year.
I hope your daughter is ok.  It would be nice if we could choose the men for our daughters, although maybe that way we would chose them more for us, not them.  Like us, they need to learn their own lessons and we can be the shoulder they cry on.  Of course, im sure you want to snot the little so and so and i for one wouldnt mess with you!!!
My thoughts are with you my friend, it seems i havent seen you for such a long time, and i miss you…
Love Kathryn xxxxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[sunny123]

hello bettie,
was nice to see you on chat that day, was looking for you but now i can see that you were so occupied with so much going on. sorry to know about your daughter and the ornament. see, the most things in life which matter more to us are not the ones which are very expensive and money cannot bring that emotional attachment but still we cg’s think that a big win will sort out most of our problems.. i kept on delaying to come here or put barriers in place thinking i will stop once i recover my loss. it would have never helped and ultimately i ended up multiplying my loss several times..
never too late to mend.. hope that you stay strong and keep encouraging us… take caretomorrow will be better than yesterday.

[caron]

Betty, The ornament may be gone, but you still have the wonderful memories of you dad. Hang on to that thought.  He is there with you always, especially now, when you are going through so much.  Take care 

[غير معروف]

Hi B: Thanks for posting the lovely story about your dad. Makes me realize how lucky I am to still have my darling dad around at 90. I lost my Mom 10 years ago and I miss her terribly, but I’m thankful for my Pops. My sister and I spent Saturday night with him and he was so, so happy to have his “baby girls” with him. We’re the youngest two of six girls. I cut his wonderfully white fuzzy hair and gave him a general facial trim. He’s such an old cutie.
I hope things are well with your daughter. I can’t imagine how saddened you must be to see your little girl hurting. Next time you see the nasty boyfriend, smash him in the head with a pan for me (oops … did I say that out loud?) I hope things have straightened out a bit and that you’re feeling much better. Love, RG

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie, ugh i shuddered when i read that about the daughters boyfriend, that would be extremely hard to handle as a mother, wow. Hope you do something nice for you soon Bettie and things settle down
Living with Hope

[icandothis]

Hi Bettie, What a suprise to see you on my thread, as I was thinking of you and just about to write you. 
I will be pondering on the images and symbolism of that dream for a long time.  Everything was so vivid.  Even the smells, I am sorry to say.  I am not surprised that Vera likes dreams.  Reading her posts I have often thought many times, "Man, this woman should be a therapist/psychologist!"  She really gets to the core of the problem, asks people to look at themselves honestly, but she always does so diplomatically without offending, and her compassion always shines through.  Truely a gift!
The reason I was thinking of you was that I wanted to send my prayers to you and your daughter.  I have a 21 year old daughter, and I know my emotions would be all over the place!  I also want to say that I am sooo glad that you are not gambling.  When my life was on a pretty even keel, I remember thinking, "This would be a good time to quit gambling, get myself emotionally strong, so I could manage the next thing life throws my way."  Well, I didn’t quit gambling, and life began throwing, as it often does.  Instead of being strong, I used gambling to cope, and things just got worse.  I don’t know the person I could have become through these adversities because she was gambling and really not 100 percent present.  Who knows what else life will throw my way, but I am looking forward to meeting the woman who is present to her own life and the lives of those she loves and cares about.
Bettie, your daughter is so lucky to have you as a mother.  One who is there for her 100 percent as the woman you truely are helping her become the woman she can be.   You may not say or do all the right things, no one ever does.    Wouln’t it be nice if we could kiss our kids wounds and make every thing better, like when they were little.  All we can do is be there for them when they need us with our love and support.    Bettie, you are able to give your daughter so much more of you because you are no longer gambling! ..and that my friend is something to hold on to!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well guess it hs been a couple days since I posted.
My car is sitting in the shop. I went to get my nails done and it wouldn’t start when I got out. First time I ever push started a car, it was kind of cool! Hopefully they will have the part and not charge too much.
Didn’t sleep much at all last night. Talked to the "Fwb" yesterday. He wanted to know why I was gaining so much weight. Nice, totally discount that I am not smoking and not gambling and tell me how unattractive I am. Well no worries-I feel so bad about it you can’t make me feel much worse! It’s like telling a cg to "just stop gambling!". As Laura said on the chat it’s not quite that easy-we don’t have to smoke or gamble-but we do have to eat. Just doesn’t seem fair but as they say life isn’t fair. Others have it worse-all in all I have it pretty good.
Well need to call the shop and see about the car.
Maybe catch u all later!
peace
bettie

[vera]

reading about pushing a car. reminds me of the morning I came out of the all night casino at 6 am to discover my headlights had been on overnight. The battery of course was dead…
FWB is really being tactless B! Another "item" on the " GIVE UP " list!

[caron]

Hi Bettie,  Good to hear from you.  Be gentle with yourself.  Select the thoughts you will nurture.  Think about what you have accomplished.  Not smoking, not gambling.  That takes hard work, courage and determination.   Life is what you make it, always has been, always will be.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I do have a car today-$400 for a starter! Oh well what can you do?
Off to see my niece peform in the choir at her college. Will leave early Saturday and come back Sunday. Brother is driving.
Had our first snow today, really quite late for us.
Caron and Vera, your advice doesn’t go unnoticed. Saw an old friend yesterday and talked about my quiting smoking. "You have gained weight-gee I hadn’t noticed!" "I’m sure you must be feeling better without smoking." Well that was a nice thing to say-even if I think her eyes must be failing-poor thing-lol!
Have a great gamblefree weekend.
peace
bettie

[غير معروف]

Bettie, my friend, you have to stop the negative thinking about your body. How come you took fwb seriously when he said you were overweight, but brushed off the friend who hadn’t noticed that you had put on weight? Come on girl — you know no-one can love you if you don’t love yourself!!! You’re an amazing inspiration with all you’ve accomplished. Now say after me: I AM AMAZING AND I INSPIRE MANY WITH MY ACHIEVEMENTS!!! Repeat 10 times. Take note, I am making it my mission to bring to your attention when you’re engaging in self bashing. Expect many lectures. 🙂 Love, RG

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie dont be too hard on you, i understand the weight thing it happens to me too and is right now, but you are facing addiction with smoking, give it time and it will settle back down again, like when you stopped gambling, takes a while for things to get back to normal. I think youve done amazingly well not only with gambling which is an enormous effort on its own but also not smoking, be proud of you bettie, the time will come to work on the fitness maybe its just not yet.
Living with Hope

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I’m back!!!  I had a great Thanksgiving and hope you did too!!!!  I am still gamble and smoke free.  I had a good teacher, YOU!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
OK RG-you have a BIG job there, you are up aganist 48 years of negative thoughts and actions. I agreed with the first comment because it is true, a fact is a fact. The 2nd was a kindness-something I need to learn to do for myself! I have a smart mouth-and I need to check myself. I was always the first to make a joke about myself-so it didn’t hurt so much when others made me the butt of their jokes. Old habits die hard.
Hope so nice to see your post and Lizbeth-wow-glad to see you back too!
back on Sunday!
bettie

[sunny123]

thanks for the lovely post on my journal bettie.. have a nice weekend.. still trying to find time to go through your journal.. life has become so busy.. i have no time to gamble.. earlier life was so busy with gambling.. had no time to do anything else…tomorrow will be better than yesterday.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well the trip was lovely. The Mississippi river is quite beautiful and the weather was cooperative.
One of the professors sang at the performance. He was amazing to say the least.
Very tired and tomorrow is a long day.
2 weeks to Christmas-hardly seems possible. Two years ago I was scrambling to buy crappy $5 gifts because I was gambling. Funny, I had no money for the Holiday but I did have gambling money.
That is not me today, and I am greatful!
peace
bettie

[vera]

Glad you enjoyed your trip B! You must have been very proud to hear your brother’s girl  singing too!
We miss SO much when we have our heads, hearts, souls and money stuck in slot machines.
Above all , you are one who really deserves recovery Bettie!
I am so proud to be your friend!
 

[female g]

So glad you were able to enjoy a nice trip and glad to see you doing so well with life.G

[finding_laura]

hello Bettie,
god it seems forever since Saturday morning coffee.  I am feeling rather sorry for myself at the moment.  I too am creeping back up.  And I am feeling very insecure etc etc.  I tell myself i am going to make a change and then i give in right away and say i’ll start tomorrow.  Leads to a viscious cycle of beating up.  I need to say the same things to myself i would say to another. I need to focus on the good and tell that mean little running narration to bug off. Glad i decided to pop on for a few minutes even if it is to have a little read.  I don’t think I have the brain power to manage a chat.  I worked all day and am exhausted.  Tomorrow will be mostly a write off.  Maybe I’ll have a good morning and get a few things done.  Sounds like you had a lovely time at the concert.  I’m happy to hear you are spending time with family and friends and enjoying happy holiday thoughts.  Gambling turned me into a grinch or a scrooge when i wasn’t sitting at the slots.  I also became very resentful at why i couldn’t seem to win anything special right before the holidays.  Hadn’t i paid my dues all @%^$%^^ year?  I am happy that somehow we were able to use the advice we were given and can enjoy this year without the added stress of gambling. Life’s too short!  Sorry B, no rest for the wicked, post cut short.
I finish up work the end of the week and than will be off for a couple of weeks.  Maybe we’ll connect then?  Til then take care of yourself you are doing awesome!
Luv laura

[sunny123]

nice to know that you are having a nice time with family and you remember this time two years back.. i think that is very important in recovery to always remember the agony and pain of our days of the action as whenever i get an urge.. i remind myself that once again i will be as miserable and finding ways to get money from wherever i can.. you are doing very well and it is an encouragement for ustomorrow will be better than yesterday.

[bettie]

Well guys, interesting day.
Looks like I’m gonna be a Grandma.
Kind of freaking out as the circumstance is not the best.
I know it will be ok-just need a DEEP BREATH!
Think I’ll be a Nana, that suites me better.
bettie

[reds]

Hi Bettie –
Wow, congrats.  I remember when I found out I was gonna be a gramma – my head was whirling.  It is a lot to take in but you will be an awesome Nana.

[i am hope]

You will be a wonderful Grandma Bettie, i know you will not be able to help yourself but spoil that beautiful bubba
Living with Hope

[vera]

Bettie!
I don’t believe it …I has to be Jen! Is she ok?
I AM GOBSMACKED! What next?
When is the big event?
Major changes ahead…odaat!
Think of the little hands and toes and the lovely cuddly little head and the cute ears and the new baby smell!
       I      L O V E        babies!
 

[sherrie]

Nana Bettie does sound awesome!!!!! Congratulations.  
(Whilst the circumstances aren’t what u’d have wished for, life does like to give folks these beautiful bundles of joy when they aren’t expecting it and I’m sure u’ll be a wonderful nana)

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well not too many details yet. Jen went to a clinic for a test today. It also came back +.
I went to a Christmas program at the aquarimum today. I got a bit choked up realizing I get to do all that fun stuff again, through the eyes of my own grandchild. 
My niece is expecting, due in late June/early July. Just found out my only nephew is expecting around the same time. Jen may be due mid July, won’t know until she sees a Doctor. She’s holding off telling the family until then.
How can you be so scared and excited and nervous at the same time?
bettie

[sunny123]

congrats for the good news bettie.. pround granny… not seeing you much in chat these days.. must be busy in x-mas preparations.. nice to know that you are doing well.. take care and enjoy yourselftomorrow will be better than yesterday.

[bettie]

Tx for the well wishes guys,
Had a bad night last night. Jen fighting with the bf-so I spent the night. I didn’t get a peep of sleep. Had the bf’s mother advise him if he showed last night  I would have him arrested. This is going to be a LONG 7 months!
The "fwb" called tonight-I was out at my GA holiday party. He had a party to go to also-I thought he was inviting me to go-but in reality he was inviting me for the pre game party for lack of a better discription-as he couldn’t invite me to be with him and his "real friends", his estranged wife might find out. It was like a bulb went off and told him he had a lot of nerve calling me if that was his only intention, a quickie before he left. Long story short I told him what I thought of his plan-and that it was good to know who your "real friends" were.
Maybe this is it. Maybe I have finally hit my emotional bottom with this idiot. Maybe I’ll stop letting this b*stard treat me like cr*p.
Maybe i’m finally learning to love me,
Maybe.
bettie

[icandothis]

Hi Beattie,  You said enough is enough to gambling, you said enough is enough to smoking, and now you are saying enough is enough concerning your relationships.  Good for you!  That is growth my friend, and that is how we do finally begin to love ourselves.  Maybe we are afraid to love ourselves or choose not to because not loving ourselves is easier than actually changing our lives.  Whether we decide to love ourselves, and then make changes, or we make changes that lead to loving ourselves the result is the same.  Improved lives.  Anyway, it is difficult and it all takes courage, (and sometimes heartache).  You are one brave lady!!
 

[bettie]

Thanks IC,
He text messaged me yesterday, "Good morning mean lady", so I already know his game plan, stay away till she’s over it. Little does he know I figured out a very simple truth. I figured out a way to make him stop hurting me.
All I have to do is STOP LETTING HIM!
He owe’s me money and if I have to write that off then so be it. If It means I don’t let him bring me down anymore then it is money well spent.
Took off work-need to finish up my Christmas wrapping and maybe bake cookies, I make a mean walnut chocolate chip cookie!
peace
bettie
ps I didn’t answer his text either-a 1st for me!

[desdemona]

Congratulations Bettie on your grandchild due around July. I KNOW you’ll be an awesome Nana and there’s nothing like grandkids to make your heart glad. I love my little grandkids to pieces. Your daughter and the boyfriend should get into relationship counselling and anger management classes, so they can develop some skills, so that the baby doesn’t have to be around that chaos. Your heart will melt when you lay eyes on that precious bundle, and you will fall instantly and madly in love. Carole

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie congrats again on being a grandma. You will be wonderful Bettie, you are so warm and i know you are going to just love that little bub. Think its going to bring a whole lot of joy and a whole lot of life to yours and your daughters.
So glad you are not letting that man bring you down Bettie, you be strong girl!!! You deserve a whole lot better than that. Hope i see you on chat again soon
Living with Hope

[vera]

Thanks for your post on Ian’s thread B!
Talk later!
Spite leads us nowhere, especially when it’s directed at GOD!!!

[bettie]

He called me tonight. He wanted to know why I didn’t pick up  his late night phone call yesterday. I told him he disrespected my time like he disrespected me. He said really? I disrespect your time? Well you won’t have to worry about that anymore. With that I hung up on him.
Maybe this is it. Why do I feel so bad??
bettie

[vera]

Hanging up is not easy B. It would be much easier to say "come on over!"
Life is a mystery,
Roll on recovery!

[vera]

P.S
I used to feel flattered by such calls! Like gambling these relationships are illusions!
Big difference between flattery and abuse.
Don’t allow yourself to be used B!
You KNOW you are worth far more than that.
Maybe this is not "it", B!
Hungry hounds follow the scent and chase ’til they get their "kill".
Like hyngry CGs chasing their losses!
Raise your barriers.
Try not to play games with him. I think that’s what we miss when we bow out. The game!

[female g]

Hi Bettie how are you doing theses days. Now that I am forced to take things easy for almost a month I am trying to do a little catch up. I find little time for posting and trying to follow threads so i am always happy when I see you in different chat rooms. The surgery went well and recovery is quite smooth. Only used 4 pain killers too. I hate to rely on drugs of any kind. 
Great news about your grand child too. I hope you get to be all that you want to be in her life too. The relationship between grand parent and grand child is something hard to believe could ever be so wonderful. enjoy every moment. I do hope that you can help the parents in every positive way possible. Your example can make a real difference. As you have been to many here. Much Love and I hope you have a great Christmas holiday too.G

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well he stopped in at my work today. I was shocked to see him when I went to take the next customer.
He told me his problem. I took care of him, as I would any customer. He looked so sad. I thought this man was not capable of human feelings so I was suprised to see the same dark circles under his eyes that matched mine!
I went to lunch after he left and i broke down and cried. I keep breaking into tears at the oddest times. I just have to keep reminding myself, I can’t make him love me. It doesn’t matter how thin I get or what I do for him, he doesn’t love me.
Just wish the pain would stop.
bettie

[kathryn]

Hiya B,
Well, sounds like the card arrived just when you needed it…
Ive said it once, and ill say it again, i wish you could see yourself like i see you. 
You have helped me through some dark times B, and perhaps that card was the start of a little light for you.
You are going to be a nanna, and a wonderful one at that!  Its almost a new year, ive decided to make a few changes, for me.  Next year is my year B…let it be yours too.  Find that inner beauty you posess and push it outwards.  Then you will notice that its always been there, the only person who couldnt see it is you!
Love you girl, wishing you the merriest of Christmases,
Kathryn xxxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie
You are so lovely Bettie. I wish the pain would stop for you too.
Living with Hope

[bettie]

Thanks my lovelys!
I am up early-I should still be sleeping but I have a few things I want to do.
Going to lunch with my GF today, she is the only one around here who knows about the "fwb"situtation. I chatted with Lee tuesday, he said it was a hard thing to go through, especally around the holidays. In the 4 years I have known this guy I have been lonely every holiday, as his other obligations were always more importaint than spending any time with me. I brought him holidays treats, which I had to drop off a block away from his place so no one would see me do it, get a quick thanks, then he was on his way.
Never settle for being someone’s "dirty little secret"
I guess I won’t be missing out on too much after all.
peace
bettie

[sherrie]

Bettie, ur better than being someones dirty little secret hun. Well done for making the right decision for you. I hope, in time, you find someone deserving of you. ((((Hugs)))) xxx
— 22/12/2011 13:21:04: post edited by sherrie.

[paul315]

Good morning Bettie,
There is no opening with "Originally posted by bettie" here, I really don’t know what I can say about anything in the part of your life that you have been posting about. I can however, say, keep working on your recovery and practicing the Steps that allows us to transcend and separates us from the power that compulsive gambling has over our lives. Keep working at the changes that are keeping you gambling free.
I will also add that I have found that the principles of the Steps of Recovery also helped me in all aspects of my life; when our character traits are looked at and corrected or enhanced, change in other areas seems to just come about over the same course of time. Keep working on change, and let the new you be carried over beyond gambling problems.
Christmas Day is around the corner so I will also use this post to wish you the very best and enjoyable Christmas; and as I have found myself expressing more this year, Christmas is not just about gifts, the reason for the first Christmas was to bring about change. Enjoy all that is there for you this Christmas, concentrate on being the changed Bettie that all of your friends know, and not the secret one that only exist in the mind of another.
And not to be completely out of character in my post, I will close with some words Originally posted by bettie, "I guess I won’t be missing out on too much after all", words that hold a truth.
God’s speed. Stay strong. "Follow the Steps in your daily affairs" — page 17, GA Combo Book.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[vera]

If a Relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it!
Not preaching, B! Just saying!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Wow, Christmas Eve already-but I guess it’s Christmas Day already for some of you.
I have to work till 1pm, then off to my brothers. We will spend the late afternoon/evening  there.
Feeling better about things. Had a long talk with the "fwb". We talked about a lot of things. Maybe I have opened his eyes a bit. maybe he’ll choose to change things that need changing for himself. Thats on him, as I am responsible for me. ( and no Vera-he’s not back ). I’ve stood up for myself and grown a bit in the process. All in all not a bad thing, just that lessons sometimes come with lots of tears. I managed a crisis and I didn’t gamble. Anything is possible!
Merry Christmas Everyone!
peace
bettie

[caron]

Hi Bettie  Standing up for yourself takes courage. Each time we do it, it gets a little easier, we get stronger, and feel more confident.  I am happy for you.  Way to go! Life is what you make it, always has been, always will be.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Happy Boxing Day!
Today is the federal "holiday" so I am off.
Got an ultrasound done on my heart today. Seems to me that the scan was of my belly-but I would guess they know where to look! lol!
Doing laundry. Gave away all cookies and cakes and have just 1 unopened box of chocolates here. Saving those in case someone shows with an unexpected gift. I find not having treats around keeps them from becoming more weight for me to loose later. Trying to tell myself the the house cleaning is the same as a workout. It’s not quite the same but will have to do for now.
peace
bettie

[pumkin113b]

Oh ((Bettie)). When we begin to love ourselves is when it all starts to fall in place. You are lovely, special lady   never forget that my friend. Oh and house cleaning IS excersise lol      Pumkin

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! Hope you had a good Christmas. It’s boxing day here too, but I have no interest in hunting down sales. My husband goes back to work this afternoon after having been home for many weeks. I look forward to getting back to some sense of normalcy in my every day life. it will be interesting to see what the next year in recovery will bring in terms of personal growth for us. You’ll become a Nana for the first time and that will be such an indescribable experience. Happy New Year my friend! Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes I had a lovely Christmas. I have worked the last two days and look foward to being off tomorrow. I am glad that I didn’t get crazy decorating this year because I sure am looking foward to taking everything down.
I was thinking about an additional GA meeting tonight but went shopping instead. I had a gift card and a return to make. Got a sweater set but I feel sloppy in it. I know the cure for that-but I need to get off the chair and move my feet, and stay out of the kitchen.
I am feeling lonely and another meeting will give me a chance to meet new people.
peace
bettie

[caron]

Hi Bettie,  I am trying to stay away from the kitchen too, but no use. My livingroom and kitchen are attached and  I am still on holidays. I bought myself a workout video, a gift for myself.  I haven’t opened it yet. Oh well, I will have to make a plan for after the holidays.  I think I need some retail therapy.  But that will have to wait too.  I am enjoying the time off.  But I miss the work routine.  I feel like a yo-yo one minute I have energy, the next I don’t.  One minute I am happy, motiviated the next Im sad, and feel like something is missing.  This too shall pass.  Thanks for your support this past year.  Love hearing from you.

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
you sure have been through a lot in the past couple weeks and made it through with flying colours.  Thanks for your candid posting, the last couple of pages had some good reminders for me.  We are only treated how we allow ourselves to be treated.  Here’s to a new year with new changes.  Looking back it was a year of growth and a year of learning.  Sorry I haven’t been around so much, obligations and then I was sick for the last week and a half, finally feeling better.  I know I have said congrats about being a grandma in a chat but I’ll say it again here.  Unconditional love is what grandchildren give grandmas.  Til they are teenagers anyway!  Happy New Year B, you’ve done yourself proud, don’t forget to look at the acomplishments!
xoxo luv Laura

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie
Oh when you said you were feeling lonely i wanted to stretch my arms through this computer and give you a big hug. I am alone a lot of the time too Bettie. It is great meeting lots of nice friends here too though, we are always as close as your keyboard away remember, hope you have a better day today.
see you soon
Living with Hope

[gunner27]

I think a lot of people are lonely on here Bettie/Hope, for one reason or another. Sure seems to be a link there with CG. I’m also lonely quite often and I know how cr*p it feels.
I can only say it really is great to have special people on here like you Bettie, like others have said you are candid and interesting and clever; there’s a lot of insightful and clever people on here in fact, makes you wonder how so many bright people get trapped for so long; I guess it just proves what a cunning swine CG is..
oh and thanks for positively commenting on my relationship post, I spent quite a bit of time on that post because I want to refer back to it in the future as I found the article it came from quite uplifting. Jim x

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the hugs Hope-cyber ones are all good!
I did go to another meeting-it ran a bit different from my regular one but was interesting none the less.
Jim I have read everything I could get my hands on about compulsive gambling. The majority of cg’s are highly intelligent. We (most not all) also suffer self esteem issues, are co dependent, have a disorder that is considered OCD. ( Chatted with a cg once who told a therapist she was a compulsive gambler-and was asked how many times a day she washed her hands! Guess they heard "compulsive" and just ran with it! ) We also tend to be people pleasers-guilty as charged-and try to avoid conflict. I get that because I think that was part of why I spent so much time at the casino-running from and avoiding life at all cost! Oh yea, and we are "thin skinned"- always worried about what others think. Maybe that comes from the guilt we carry for the "bad" things we have done? Just a thought.
Laura when the stars align I swear we will chat again! I seem to be just missing u quite a bit.
Caron I worked out and ate well today until I got home and baked more cookies for my meeting tomorrow! I think I ate 5/w 2 glasses of milk!
Oh well good pratice for the new year I guess!
BTW- Happy New Year everyone! Praying for Peace and Serenity for us all in 2012!
bettie

[bettie]

December 31, 2011
"Affirming the Good"
  Fun becomes fun, love becomes love, life becomes worth living. And we become grateful. – Beyond Codependency
 Wait , and expect good things-for yourself and for your loved ones.
When you wonder what is coming, tell yourself the best is coming, the very best life and love have to offer, the best God and His universe have to send. Then open your hands and receive it. Claim it, and it is yours.
See the best in your mind;envision what it will look like,what it will feel like. Focus,until you can see it clearly. Let your whole being, body and soul, enter into and hold onto the image for a moment.
Then, let it go. Come back into today, the present moment. Do not obsess. Do not become fearful. Become excited. Live today fully, expressing gratitude for all you have been, all you are, and all you will become.
Wait, and expect good things.
  Today,when I think about the year ahead, I will focus on the good that is coming.- from "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie
love,
bettie
 

[i am hope]

Happy new year bettie
I have read that book a long long time ago but may have to pick it up again, have a wonderful new year
Living with Hope

[salina]

Hi Bettie!
Salina!!!!! I sure could use a chat!! Long time huh? I’m in deep and so discouraged!  Hope u are well….hugs
 this to shall pass

[bettie]

Salina i’m on, where are u??
 

[caron]

Hi Bettie,  Im reading that book right now.  Living and learning to let go.  I am excited for the new year.  Wonderful things come when you practice gratitude, and positive thinking.    Happy New Year!

[pumkin113b]

Happy New Year ((Bettie))    Pumkin

[sunny123]

hello bettie!! a very happy new year to you.. hope we continue together in our journey in 2012 as well.. tomorrow will be better than yesterday.

[reds]

hi (( Bettie )) –
Just popping by to wish you a Happy New Year – filled with positive energy and all the good things we deserve !!  Thanks for being part of my recovery, x
redsJust for today, I will not gamble away my time, freedom or peace of mind.

[bettie]

Where do I even start this post. Bettie here, compulsive gambler, ldg 1-1-2012.
Kind of says it all I guess.
I’ve spent the last 48 hours in my pj’s, almost paralyzed with grief.
I have to get ready for work and plaster that fake smile on my face and get on with it.
— 1/3/2012 1:28:03 PM: post edited by bettie.– 1/4/2012 12:19:19 AM: post edited by bettie.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

…  ldg …
 
My dear Bettie,
The only place that I can think of to start in reply is to encourage you to continue to work your recovery; work at keeping that day as "The Last Day Gambled". You are fully aware of the dangerous spiral that such action can put you in, act on that awareness and knowledge and put aside any thoughts of following up with a next bet.
I am proud of you for coming here and telling us of your actions, and in doing so, not only are you still moving forward, you are giving us all a warning to be more diligent and not think that we can return to gambling just because, whatever the reason. I feel terribly sorry for anyone having to find themselves in a situation where they succumb to temptation, especially for you; not only for the regret and anguish you express in your few words, but for the feelings that you must have been experiencing that let this addiction take this momentary control once again.
The only way that comes to mind for me to end this post is to respectfully ask, "did you find what you were looking for?".
Your friend, 
Larry

Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.– 1/3/2012 6:04:17 PM: post edited by paul315.

[vera]

Bettie!…………..words fail me…running out to work now…maybe my eyes are blurred…

[bettie]

I risked it all.
I risked my sanity.
I risked going to jail.
I risked my financial stability.
I risked my life.
I’ve spent two months complaining and crying about my "relationship", the lonely days when my phone didn’t ring-not even once-feeling like no one cared if I was alive or dead. It has been a stressful couple months-and I had an opportunity to clean the slate with this man-tell him I was done and not to call me again. Did I do it? Of course not. Why? I am sick. I really need medical attention. I can’t blame him anymore for my own self loathing. I do it to myself.
If not for the Grace of God I wouldn’t be here to type this message. I had more than a couple drinks and I was in a blind fit of rage when I left the casino. The roads were slick to boot. I think this falls under the answer to Question 20, and the answer is yes. The funny part is I laughed as I shoved that first bill in the machine. I asked myself if it was worth it. I told myself it really didn’t matter, because I really didn’t matter. If you really knew me you would not like me.
I don’t know what I will tell my sponser, or if she will continue to sponser me.
I only stayed at the casino a short time. I didn’t loose any money, but in no way do I believe for one second that I could "safely" gamble.
I think I need to address my binge drinking.
To answer your question Larry I do believe I found what I was looking for. I wanted to punish myself, and I did it very well.

[caron]

Bettie, Awareness is good. We can not move forward if we do not acknowledge and accept.  You are going through alot right now. Get back up, dust off.  Keep going, one foot in front of the other.  Recovery is a process. 

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
 
 … I found what I was looking for. I wanted to punish myself, and I did it very well.

Bettie, as you know one of the charistics of a compulsive gambler is found in the GA combo book, "there is a theory that compulsive gamblers subconsciously want to lose to punish themselves", another charismatic of a CG is "INABILITY AND UNWILLINGNESS TO ACCEPT REALITY. Hence the escape into the dream world of gambling".
You speak of your the justification you used to gamble, your "relationship" and the problems it causes, your not wanting to accept the reality that his problem is destroying you. You can’t do anything about his problem, but you can yours; work more at changing these character flaws in your own life, get the help that you need, let the devil take care of him handling his, that is unless he in time decides to turn his problems over to a more righteous power; and even if that were ever to happen, you do not need to continue in punishing yourself with the gambling that you use to escape the feelings of being unwanted or used by him. You do not need to be one of his FWB, a one sided friendship is not a friendship, nor is it worth nourishing.
Recovery will work in areas outside of gambling as well as with gambling, use the Steps to guide you in your problems with this "relationship", your binge drinking, in all of your life, you can not separate doing good at staying gambling free and doing good at living,  gambling will more than likely win out if the field is divided. 
God’s speed. Stay strong.  It is not too late to have the rest of this year to be a Happy Gambling Free New Year.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[desdemona]

My dear friend! Under the right circumstances, there is not a rcg who wouldn’t be susceptible to a slip. I can well imagine how awful you have been feeling, since January 1st. Been there, done that, but with not over a year of clean time, like you, and it felt oppressive. Larry says it eloquently when he says that your FWB "relationship" is not worth nourishing. We all know that, including you, but it sometimes takes time to be able to see it for exactly what it is, and to be able to make that final break. In the past, I’ve asked myself when I was in an unhealthy relationship, how many times did that person have to hurt me before I could let that person go. He is neither your friend nor does he benefit you in any way in your life.  A slip is just that, a blip on the radar screen of recovery. And it can be a valuable learning experience. Try not to be hard on yourself about that momentary lapse in judgement. But don’t risk your recovery for a jerk that can’t appreciate what a warm, caring, loving person you are. I care about you. Carole 

[bettie]

Originally posted by paul315

Bettie, as you know one of the charistics of a compulsive gambler is found in the GA combo book, "there is a theory that compulsive gamblers subconsciously want to lose to punish themselves", another charismatic of a CG is "INABILITY AND UNWILLINGNESS TO ACCEPT REALITY. Hence the escape into the dream world of gambling".
"you can not separate doing good at staying gambling free and doing good at living,  gambling will more than likely win out if the field is divided." 
You know Larry you don’t have to be so right! It’s funny, I read those words every week and they go right over my head. Whenever I read "Inability and Unwillingness to accept reality" i never understood how that applied to MY life. I guess that begs the next question, how does one become able and willing to accept reality? I find reality so painful it is unbearable, hence the "escape".
I have tried to seperate my gamble-free life from the drama filled secret life I still live. I see now what a big mistake that has been, even though it’s not been a secret here. I have tried to be as truthful as possible here, to do less would be pointless.
I feel fragmentated, like I have 2 or 3 split personalities. Sometimes I have no clew who’s showing up to run the show for the day.
Don’t know if anyone might remember the story about the lady who "faith healed" my ankle a while back. She has been a frequent visitor to my cubical at work. On NYE she came to me with a serious look on her face and a gift in her hand. She gave me an angel and said she was told to do so. I can’t help but wonder about that one.
Carole thanks so much for your call. I am feeling so isolated and really have no "live" person to talk to about this. I have yet to figure out what to say to my sponser. I’m off tomorrow and there is a ladies only GA meeting I can go to. That might be a good way to "fess up".
Caron, thanks for your words. I’m feeling much like a hipocrate but rest assured I have not given up on recovery, just hit a pot hole and blew out a tire!
Guess the reasonable "bettie" showed up to run the show today.
bettie

[vera]

Bettie. it must be very hard for you to accept that you made that dreaded trip to the casino…(I will write more in an e mail…)
There is nothing for it but to start again…
As for that Lady who "healed" your ankle and brought you a present of an angel, I would just say, be cautious! I believe in God’s power to heal us of our ills and weaknesses, but don’t think He needs self appointed "healers" to do His job. These people target the vulnerable and at this point in time you are vulnerable, Bettie! All He needs is our consent to work in our lives. You gave that consent when you surrendered and admitted to being powerless over gambling. Now is the time to renew that admission.
If it’s any consolation.B.I very nearly gambled too…read Cat’s thread…
So all I will say is " there but for the Grace of God, go I!"

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

Originally posted by paul315

… I have yet to figure out what to say to my sponser …

Good evening Bettie,
Being right or wrong about an opinion is not important, the opinions of others do their best in getting other to think and encouraging to do what is right in their actions. You are now faced with another action that needs to be taken head on and will use the same source of my previous reply to respond to your new post.
A sponsor is some one to turn to, someone to listen to you without judgement, and is there to help you work out problems and follow a path that is already laid out.  Ask her to help you in overcoming the character traits of a CG that are holding you back form being the person that you are meant to be; ask her to help you work the Steps which are a program of recovery. Perhaps giving a little more attention to the fearless inventory required of Step 4, in asking for for shortcomings to be removed in Step 7, and the ability to "Let go and let God" in working Step 11. All the steps are tied together in some fashion so in working these Steps "out-of-order" you are also working the others. (Hopefully there is not a presumed sequence and power-based demand of adherence of your sponsor to follow the Steps in order if you have not worked on these Steps before now — and with you being a member of GA over the past year, you have had to have worked on all the Steps in some fashion, and are now refining and  enforcing the previous actions that you have taken. In my thinking, the only Step that needs to be taken in strict order is Step 1, and Step 12 does speak of "Having made an effort to practice these principles" giving advice about us not sacrificing our own recovery to try to help others.  Even page 17 of the Combo Book that speaks of working the Steps, ask us to "Read the Steps often" and to "practice" them; there is no restrictions as to the order.)
I don’t think of these actions of being right or wrong, only a logical course to consider and take.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I bit the bullet and called my sponser. She told me just like it was-that I was not being honest. Thats true-I am guilty of the lie of ommission. My "addictive voice" tells me that she shut me out-and thats why I didn’t get into those deep conversations with her. The truth is I didn’t want her to know-because she would tell me to stop. The truth that you don’t want to hear is the truth you need to hear.
She says we need to start the steps over-this is a strictly 1 through 12 group, someone explained that steps 1-3 are about something or another-then 4-6 are something else-I’ll have to get that explanation again and get back to you about it.
I feel like I have been reviewing step 4 forever even though I have never gotten past step 3. I do need to work these steps and even thought I have not "offically" worked 4 or 7 or whatever I know I have touched on them somewhere along the line.
As for this d*mn slip-In retrospect I feel like a child throwing a trantrum-a scream for attention. Not unlike a child who knows they will be beat for misbehaviour but do it anyway. Such immature actions. How is one immature at 48?
Vera the "healer lady" I find to be sincere and sweet. I am sure she means me no harm so no worries.
Larry I always learn something from your valued opinion and I am always pleased when you share your sage wisdom. Thank you.
You guys have lifted me. 
bettie 

[vera]

by the sound of things you wont be throwing any more tantrums B!
remember you can ASK for help instead. We can hear you

[pumkin113b]

Originally posted by bettie

Whenever I read "Inability and Unwillingness to accept reality" i never understood how that applied to MY life. I guess that begs the next question, how does one become able and willing to accept reality? I find reality so painful it is unbearable, hence the "escape".
I have tried to seperate my gamble-free life from the drama filled secret life I still live. I see now what a big mistake that has been, even though it’s not been a secret here. I have tried to be as truthful as possible here, to do less would be pointless.
I feel fragmentated, like I have 2 or 3 split personalities. Sometimes I have no clew who’s showing up to run the show for the day.

(((Bettie))) I can so relate to those words above. I admit here to you that I have been sooooooo tempted to run to "take a break" etc. in the past week. Many many times it has been a close call. The pain bettie — it is important to realize to survive you must 1) reduce pain and/or 2) increase coping skills to deal with pain. What does this mean? Dealing — you have a relationship that brings you much pain over and over — what are you afraid of if you end that relationship? Could it be worse? My therapist actually asked me that when I said to her I could not divorce my husband —– she said why not? and what are you afraid of? and it was eye opening to say the least. We do have other possibilities — it is our fear and minds and our self doubt that block us from exploring what could be. Just awakening to know there are other possibilities is a start. Funny about the personalities too — at one time i counted eight for me lol. So i started naming them and talking to them — name #1Throwaway Baby — the child given up to adoption — Name #2 Stupid Victim Girl — the girl that trusted and was taken advantage of Name #3 Abused Woman — the woman that didnt think enough of herself to leave her abuser…….etc They are all part of me Bettie — but now I can understand and comfort them. I can help them be stronger — they couldn’t stop what happened — they didn’t have the skills or experience to do so — but they can now know that different paths can be taken — that different choices can be made and we can all be safer and happier and build new realities. Thank you for sharing today Bettie — it allowed me to share this here with you and in doing so helps me too. Sending good thoughts your way — let them in.  Pumkin  
 

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Wow! Such wise words from yourself and others that have posted on your thread since your slip. From what I can see, this slip has been a huge learning experience for you and for the rest of us. It takes some of us a lot of time to really get a particular concept even though it’s staring us in the face. We get it intellectually but it takes time for it to reach our heart and for us to really get the full understanding. Sounds like you have made a huge leap in recovery as a result of the slip. Pumkin asks the relevant question- What are you afraid of if you end this relationship? Your answer could be that you would be lonely, but you’re already lonely in that "relationship," plus it is jeopardizing your recovery and this individual hurts you over and over and deeply. So the benefit to you is minus zero. So really, you would be losing nothing. You have been able to arrest your gambling disease and quit smoking, so you will be able to let this jerk go when you get the full understanding that he brings nothing good to your life. And like we talked about, having him in your life, leaves no room for someone wonderful to come into your life. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out, and you need only those people in your life that recognize your intrinsic worth as a woman and a person. You mentioned that he is charming. So are sociopaths and psychopaths. Just saying…….. Carole  

[bettie]

Hi my lovelys,
Had a wonderful GA meeting last night. I was asked to read and comment on a "thought for the day" piece. I got half way through and had to ask the chair to take over-as I was too over come with emotion. Everyone was wondeful.
I need to go to "my" meeting tonight, face the music, and move on.
Not feeling well-hate to call off 1st week of the year but truely I’m not feeling well. I will make my desision soon.
tc
bettie
ps did I mention how wonderful YOU all are?
 

[pumkin113b]

Hi ((Bettie)). So glad you had a good meeting last night and sorry to hear you are not feeling well. B will you try something for me? You have been thru a recent emotional turmoil — and as with all of us there are past issues too. But try this — Just sit and close your eyes and LET youself see all the turmoil on your mind in screenshots — whatever turmoil is sitting on you mind just let it flit by in pictures — don’t fight it just let it be in pictures and sensations and then let it go — let it go even if only for a second or a minute — it is your experience but it is over and gone so let it go to your understanding of a higher power just for awhile — however long you can — just acknowledge it and take a break from it. It has helped me to do this exercise so maybe it can be useful to you too. And if it’s not for you no harm no foul. Wishing you some smiles today B — you deserve good things to come into your life.   Pumkin       

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Had another wonderful  (emotional) meeting but didn’t sleep well at all.I am very very tired.
Pumkin you have grown and become so knowledgeable! Congratulations on your recovery.
I am not having urges-thank God-but I didn’t have any before I went. Scary. I think my head exploded.
I did get told I had 16 months of abstinence but not recovery. I resent that but I guess thats true. It hurts to admit that.
To work or not to work?
need to get on with it
bettie

[sherrie]

I think you’re more wonderful. I’m so pleased that your still posting and well done for getting back to GA. I hope you feel better soon Bettie. xoxoxox

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
… I did get told …

Good morning Bettie,
Sometimes we do need to be told somethings, and I can come across as telling others things, however, for you to leave with an "I’ve been told" feeling is not very helpful; and is also a feeling I do my best not to plant, and sincerely hope that anything that I post is not perceived in that matter, even when asserting "tuff love", something that I do not see your statement as representing.  Perhaps, and hopefully so, it was said with good intentions or to encourage you, and hopefully I am not judging other’s actions with my viewpoint, but for anyone to be labeled as not working on their recovery because they had a relapse, of have not done what somebody else thinks, in my opinion may be too much of a gap between any good intended and the hurt felt. Continue to work on your recovery, work on the principles of recovery without regards to the personalities that invoke any strike judgemental views, instead of caring guidance, and try to see their efforts in only the caring light.
There is a difference between abstaining and recovery, but I do not see anyone acting out on the desire to quite gambling over a period of time merely abstaining. Foe one, abstaining is only giving something up for a time, recovery on the other hand is a continuing process that you, I, and others here have been diligently working on; we have not just logged on or attended meetings letting it end there, ending at only being content at being stuck with just abstaining; on the contrary we have been working towards our living gambling free, we have been taking action and making progress. The time of living gambling free accumulated by us grows more and more  because of how much we work recovery rather than just by the time since our last bet (taken form a past post by Colin, The Ledge of abstinence.)
God’s speed. Stay strong. Continue to work on your recovery, and on not gambling for anything.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! When I hear people at GA telling you that you have not been working recovery, it angers me to tell you the truth. Recovery IS a process, a lifelong process. We all have areas in our life that we have to address, and we work on the ones that we can work on, as we can, while staying abstinent from gambling to the best of our ability. We grow into the people God wants us to be. We aren’t miraculously changed overnight; we need to do our part. You have been working recovery and don’t let ANYONE tell you differently. Part of my recovery for 2012 is to work on worrying less and to establish a sleep routine to deal with my insomnia. I agree that at GA sometimes people need to hear things they don’t want to hear, but this person doesn’t know what they are talking about. Those of us that know you and know of the challenges you are dealing with, know that you have been working recovery and helping many others work their recovery. Happy RECOVERY Day Bettie!! Carole 

[vera]

I agree Carole!
Nobody has shown greater signs of progress in recovery than you, Bettie! I remember how you were when you first came here and I know the huge efforts and strides you have made.
How well do these people know you?
I ve been thinking about your "slip" Bettie. From what you have written here and from what we discussed privately, I would say you didn’t gamble at all! It seems to me as if you went to the casino in a sort of fugue state and putting money in a machine was incidental. There is always more to one’s action than meets the eye.
We are all here for you Bettie! You know that! I’m not putting your sponsor or GA to one side B, but from my experience of GA they relied a lot on policy and objective theories. My experience of course is limited so maybe Im wrong!
To quote Robert Frost-"In three words I can sum up everything I learned about life: It goes on"…
same can be said for recovery!

[gunner27]

Hi Bettie,
Sounds like you have a close shave and the CG briefly had you, well done for getting out of there. Your frankness about everything is refreshing and admirable, all I would say is dont be too hard on yourself, you have made a marvellous recovery over the days, weeks and months, you know it. Jim

[bettie]

Hi Everyone,
Called off work, slept in the chair for a while. I am physically and emotionally exausted.
I think when we are in recovery we recover as a community. When one hurts we all hurt. My "slip" hurt more than just me, I see that now.
I know I have had "recovery". There is no way I would be here typing right now if I had not.
I can’t find the words to say what I want to say-me speachless-mark that down!
Just tired. Think I might just nap some more.
bettie

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie
I know this person has said you had abstinence not recovery, that was one persons opinion, my opinion is that that statement was total crap!! You had worked recovery, been going to meetings, working with a sponsor, connecting here, and helping others here too, and that is abstinence, not recovery…palease!!!! how rude. I think you have done a fantazimo job at your RECOVERY. You had one blip in all that time Bettie, you should be so proud of you, wow, we are all human and i think you are a wonderful one. I struggle to get one month at times let alone all the time you had and still have, you are just continuing on

Living with Hope

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Sleepy, early here. Didn’t sleep well at all.
My "friend" called me last night. I told him what I should have told him last week in person.
He told me he understood and told me not to feel bad.
I wish it was that easy.
bettie

[sunny123]

i always want to go through your diary from the begining but now it is 183 pages.. so difficult to find so much time.. you are a lovely and compassionate human being bettie.. dont let negative thoughts overcome you.. ultimately it is us as individuals to decide what is the meaning of recovery for us.. we have to be honest and judge ourselves rather than somebody else doing it.. hope to catch up with you in chat some time.. i think you are true.. we are more like a family here and if one slips, it affects others as well.. but then others come and lift the person back and take him/her along again.. tomorrow will be better than yesterday.

[bruce1234]

Originally posted by bettie

I’ve spent two months complaining and crying about my "relationship", the lonely days when my phone didn’t ring-not even once-feeling like no one cared if I was alive or dead. It has been a stressful couple months-and I had an opportunity to clean the slate with this man-tell him I was done and not to call me again. Did I do it? Of course not. Why? I am sick. I really need medical attention. I can’t blame him anymore for my own self loathing. I do it to myself.
To answer your question Larry I do believe I found what I was looking for. I wanted to punish myself, and I did it very well.

WOW  bettie,
can i ever relate to what you said here – i feel for you and for myself right now. I hope we can chat sometime.
i was in a relationship that i ended last august, that i now regret ending it, although i am pretty sure that the relationship was no good for me i miss it all the same, somehow right now it seems that it was at the least better than being alone. 
i often wondered if i gambled to punish myself, i know that afterwords i would somtimes slap myself silly in the face calling my a stupid idiot, this certainly was me punishing me for gambling.
take care""THERE’S ONLY US, THERE’S ONLY THIS,FORGET REGRET OR LIFE IS YOURS TO MISSNO OTHER ROAD, NO OTHER WAY, NO DAY BUT TODAY"

[kathryn]

B,
My heart is with you, my thoughts are with you, you are stronger than you imagine yourself to be.
K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[finding_laura]

hey Bettie,
missed you again.  You know I love ya B.  You are a sister in recovery, and i don’t know if it is true to say you haven’t been in recovery up until now.  If it is a jorney, a process, then how can we just erase steps and lessons because after the lesson there was a fall?  Might make the lessons stand out more…
Can’t believe is Sunday night already, going to take it easy tonight and spoil myself.  Catch up soon I hope.
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I’m at my gf’s house. Just needed to get out  and do something.
thanks Sunny it’s 184 pages now-lol!
Laura i’ll be home but may be too late for you.
Bruce I LOVE the title of your thread-I say that every day! lol!
Kathryn I’m ok. It’s going to be allright. At least thats what I keep telling myself.
check in later!
bettie

[pumkin113b]

Hey ((Bettie)) — Just have to express same as all before me here anger at the haughtiness of someone saying to you that in your past 16 months you were not in recovery. I won’t repeat what everyone on here has already wisely and correctly (IMHO) pointed out which is that — that statement is BS. I can see you know that already love so won’t go on about it. I will tell you something funny B — if I was not married right now I would so sign up on match.com Maybe just because of all the commercials highlighting the personality test match BUT that kind of makes sense. Although I would also at the same time be very very very picky and very very cautious and very very patient and conduct background checks on any individuals I would consider pursuing a longer relationship with and never rush anything. Just saying……..its a shame someone of your caliber is alone. Not that it isn’t ok to be alone because we are all worthy just as ourselves and really need not have someone else validate us — but it seems you want to share your life. Ok so yes I would love to be a matchmaker for you B but I don’t know anyone good enough for you !!!!!! LOL TC ((B))

[amyyy]

Its hard when you find yourself in a relationship thats unhealthy for u and yet u cant muster up the strength to get riid of em- even tho u know u deserve better. I havent read all of ur posts- so not too sure where ur standing in the relationship anymore? 
For me it was a very important factor in my gambling. I ended a long term relationship that was unhealthy and it wasnt easy. We had broke up countless times before and he wud return and i would take him back believeing his speeches- that he wud change and he loved me etc. i know now that it was yet another fantasy (just like gambling)- i wanted to believe hm so much that i explained away all the reasons why i had broken up with him in the first place. I did this over and over until i honestly thought i wud loose my mind.
One day i had finally had enough and my sanity and pride and self respect could not take it anymore and that is when it was ended- ended for real and no going back. 
I dont know how it is for u- but i have a habbit of choosing unhealthy vices. Things/people/habbits etc that once i get cosy with i find very hard to change. Like i believe i can make it the way i want it. To a degree i can but that also involves- (just learning this one) rejecting whats bad for u- even if it means you might be alone or will have to handle things differently.
Anyways im rambling on ur thread- just wanted to say hope ya find the strength to do whats good for u- and reject whats bad for u. Find people and interests that boost ur confidence and abandon the things that make u ultimately miserable.
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Long long day. Sat in the ER with jennie until 9pm. She is having a little issue and obgyn said to go. She was there 6 hours and had not yet been seen. She insisted I leave, as I had not eaten Dinner, so she is still there. She will call as soon as she gets to her car.
As for the "friend"-he called me saturday night. I told him what I should have told him the week before. He really let me down easy-I know don’t defend him-but he said he understood he couldn’t be what I need him to be. He told me not to feel bad, and he knew that things that I did for him came from being the kind sweet person than I am. I was empressed-maybe he has a heart after all.
Pumkin forget that dating site. Been there done that. In a survey of users like 95% of the men just look at the photos and never read the bio’s.
Thanks for the story Amy. I know I am my own worse enemy.
Maybe when I stop disrepecting myself I will be respected.
Just a thought!
nite all!
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie… – I know don’t defend him-but …
he said he understood … He told me not to feel bad …

Bettie, my replies normally pertain to gambling problems, and I know that personal problems and gambling are connected and can not be readily separated. With this being the case the thoughts I have on your defending your "friend" are questions ask about your recovery from gambling; If a casino PR man, "another friend", called you being sympathetic to your breaking up with the them, saying that they understand and for you to not to feel bad because your had abandoned them, that they knew they did not provide what you were looking for and that you only stayed with them in the past and let them screw you over because you were a nice person, (And in reality saying, we have a heart, but only for ourselves;  start thinking that we can do better, give us another chance now that you know how nice and carrying we are, believe that what little you are getting from us is worth all we are taking — come back to us), what would you think? Would you think that your rational thoughts and their proven poor record was perhaps completely wrong, that the BS that they were feeding you to win you over was the real truth after all?  Or would you see through their hidden agenda and hang up?  
I firmly believe that you would hang up and might even change your number, that you would not fall for the "nice guy" BS again.  I would even think that you would even use the same reasoning with any type "friend", and not let their BS sway you either.  Following the Steps and what you learn in working on recovery from gambling, can help you in other decisions too. 
I know that the advertising and promotions are only to win over every single person so that they can have their way with them; and I am pretty sure that your "friends" motives run alone the same lines. Neither of these opinions just happen to me mine, they were part of my life. I experienced the temptations of the casinos and the smooth talk that they provided; and alas, when I was in my "sowing-wild-oats" days (a cliche of justification too kind for my actual acts) I would say anything to win over the affection of an unsuspecting soul, I would put up will all of the complaining and demanding for a different type relationship as long as it was said afterwards when I was on my way out not caring in the least what they were saying — as long as they got over it and took me back whenever I felt like it.   This is not judging your "friend", it is however, right or wrong lumping him in the category of being a "dog" based on what I have seen when running in the pack.   BTW, I am no longer that person, but know that the pack still runs loose.
Well these are only my thoughts, and I hope that if I came to you with a similar scenario and said that this nice guy (gambling) was winning me back over by being nice and showing that they had a heart, that you would try to bring me to my senses and have me look deeply into what was really taking place and what the outcome and consequences would be. 
God’s speed. Stay strong.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Thanks for the observation Larry. I am a very trusting and naive person when it comes to people. I know I am honest and just expect others to be the same. Seems relationships are all about game playing from what I’ve been told. I really don’t like the game so I’ll sit on the bench and watch for a while till I figure out the rules.
I’m posting at 4:3o am because Jen just called me. She lost her baby.
Guess things were just not ment to be. I get a lot of that in my life.

[kathryn]

Oh B, im so so sorry, i hope Jen is ok, i am sending my biggest hugs to you both, i could cry, in fact, i am.
Nothing can make this better, for either of you, but perhaps some comfort will come from the thought that there are hundreds of people around the world who have you in their thoughts.  You will be on my mind, tonight, tomorrow and the next day, you and Jen.  My friends father died many years ago and i found this small saying, it spoke to me.  I put it in the paper for her dad and even now she talks of it……
Not all things can be explained
Some things just are.
Love you girl,
K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[paul315]

Bettie,
I am sorry for your loss. May God be with your and your family at this time of need.
Larry

[pumkin113b]

Oh ((Bettie)). Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.    Pumkin

[reds]

dear (( bettie ))-
My thoughts and prayers are with you , I’m sorry for your loss. Just for today, I will not gamble away my time, freedom or peace of mind.

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I am so sorry that Jen lost the baby, and with that all the hopes and dreams that you both had. Carole

[sherrie]

(((Bettie))). I’m really sorry for Jen, her BF, you and all your family. Just such sad news. x

[icandothis]

Bettie, I am so sorry for your loss. I know a little of what Jen is feeling, as I have lost 2 babies. The truth is, no one can feel what is yours to feel. I hope Jen moves on. I hope she learns that no man should hit her. I hope that she gives birth to Jen now, babies later. Having said that, I know that the loss of a child yet unborn is a loss that never goes away. After 30 years, I still think about my first baby that never was.

[bettie]

Hey everyone,
Thank you for your kind support.
When my life turns to cr*p it really turns!
I have always had a life I could write a book about. Maybe someday I will.
As cg’s they say we crave drama. Well this cg has had enough for a while.
Jen wants to attend a family dinner tonight, of all things. Funny how she can accept love and support when I would prefer to just stay home. She was to go back to the obgyn today but she will do it tomorrow.
just sad and tired
bettie

[bruce1234]

Sorry to read your news about the baby Bettie. I hope your daughter jen is ok.

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie: Sending all my love and support to you and Jen. I am so sorry that this has happened to you and your family. God bless your little angel.
Love and hugs. RG

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I feel wiped out. Went to work today. Jen went to the Dr. They did blood work on her. The obgyn is not totally convinced that there is no baby. The ER doctor that did the ultrasound found a "sack" but no baby in it. It is possible that she may not be as far along as she thought she was. That being said there is a very remote possibility that the embro is not missing-just too small to see yet. The blood work will give hormone levels and that will give more info. I refuse to get my hopes up but if that ER Doctor put her through all this grief for no reason…..well we would address that later.
Pray for a miracle!
bettie

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie
So sorry to hear of your and Jens loss. Bettie i want to say that you have a beautiful heart that is easily seen right here from across the seas, thinking of you
Living with Hope

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks hope-good to see you up and posting.
Jen is just living day by day-living in limbo. Still wearing maturnity clothes, having a swolen belly, body still prepaired for a baby that, most likely, is not to be. She posted on facebook "If I have to go through this so my baby didn’t have to suffer then it’s worth it". My sister posted to her that she is the most unselfish person she knows. That’s my girl, bringing water donations to 9/11 workers when she lived near New York. Bringing food, water, blankets and sandwiches to the homeless kids who hung around downtown Ga when she lived there. She reuses, recycles, and strives not to waste anything.
She is my contributation to the world, I love her so much!
bettie– 1/16/2012 12:10:43 AM: post edited by bettie.

[finding_laura]

Thinking of you B, will try and catch up with you over the weekend.  (((((((((((((((((((( Bettie )))))))))))))))))))

[i am hope]

Hey Bettie
Thinking of you right now and wishing you a good day,
Living with Hope

[amyyy]

A friend of mine lost her toddler in a freak accident- about a month later her sister received news that her baby had severe complications and that there was little to nothing they could do. That when he was born he would start to die and only live a few days at the most. So she carried him thru full term and gave birth to him knowing he would only be here for a few days. He was here for five days. He looked as perfect as could be- there was nothing wrong that u could see by looking at him. But all his organs were twisted and did not grow properly. His name was Jerome. Although he only lived a few days he had a huge impact upon everyone- when he did pass it was verry sad- the whole thing was heartbreaking. They were at home and he cried and his mum settled him- but he kept crying quitely- and slowly let go- and passed. But it was not a gentle nice thing and was pretty horrific. 
But his mum says that she could not have asked anything more of him- that he did everything she prayed for and was perfect in everyway. He stayed alive long enough to meet his grandfather and relatives and to be christened- which was what she had hoped and prayed for. She told me that she is grateful for having known he would die- as she could prepare and capture many hrs of footage and thousands of photos. She said she cherished the time she got to spend with him – that he was the most precious gift- if only for a short time. She really is a strong person and suprises me with her incredible spirit. Although i know she hurts everyday for him and will never truely get over it or move on- she tries to see whatever positives there could be.  He is now resting peacefully buried next to his cousin.
Life is so precious and its so hard when ur faced with losing it. I hope she gets through it and can find some comfort and healing somehow. And i hope ur looking after urself too- u need support as well x

[sunny123]

sorry to know about jen bettie!! hope both you and she recover from the trauma.. you take care of yourself. time is the best healer and things will improve with time.
best wishestomorrow will be better than yesterday.

[finding_laura]

Morning B,
not sure if we were meant to connect!  I know you stay so strong for Jen, don`t forget that you are not actually made of rock even if you are someone`s rock.  Thank-you Amy for sharing. Life is precious no matter how long we are blessed with it.  I believe in the philosophy that we are each here for a purpose.  Those young lives lost may have been to teach us to cherish life.  I truly believe their spirits go on. Have a good day girls, B i hope things have gotten better.  When will Jen know for sure… sorry my quetion mark isn`t working for some reason.  Take care B,
love Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks so much for sharing your stories. So So many tragic things happen and you are never aware until it happend in your family.
Just found out my nephew’s girlfriend had a miscarrage two days ago. I am dumbfounded! If someone told me all this stuff was happening I would think they were making it up.
I could sleep for days. I have come down with a cold-gee maybe stress is bad? Who knew.
bettie

[finding_laura]

i’m real sorry to hear that Bettie.  So much loss for your family at this time.  Nurse that cold, lots of vitamin C, boost that immune system!  Take care of yourself
Laura

[i am hope]

Hello Bettie
Wow things are not going well for you right now, so sorry to hear of all the sad news. I am so sorry Bettie i think i said sorry for your loss when your daughter may not have lost the baby, sorry i misunderstood felt awful about that. I hope that her situation improves, i am not clear on what happened sorry, whatever is going on i hope that it is a good outcome. your poor daughter must be going through so much right now. Take care of you too Bettie
Living with Hope

[bettie]

Hi Guy,
Yes Hope, it is quite confusing.
Last monday-tuesday morning the ER doctor told Jen, based on ultra sound, that she had an embryonic sack but they could not find an embryo, and that he way very sorry, etc. She contacted the obgyn that was supost to be taking care of her and she had her come in for blood work last Wednesday. She will finally see the obgyn on Tuesday and actually get an exam and another ultrasound at that point. I did some rescearch and there have been cases in early pregnancy that they could not see the embryo because it was too soon. I doubt thats the case here, as they would really open themselves up to a malpratice suit telling her there was no baby and it turns out that  there is. I am just praying that she gets some answers so she can move on.
It’s 5pm and I am still in pj’s. Why? Gambling urges, I can’t believe it. Well, maybe i can believe it. My stress level is through the roof and zoning out in front of a machine seems like it could be relaxing……but we know better don’t we?
I keep "playing the tape" and remembering that panic pain at 5am. Thats not relaxing at all!
Making soup. Seems shameful to stay in all day but still don’t feel well.
bettie

[vera]

Hi Bettie!
All very upsetting but gambling wont solve any of it, as you know.
Why not get a friend to go to the casino with you  now,WITHOUT MONEY to re affirm your self exclusion. If your face is fresh in their memory, you wont be able to sneak in unnoticed. Stay away from the liquer!

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Just checking in on you and to see how you are doing. What time is Jenn’s appointment on Tuesday? I’ll be thinking of you two. My husband went back to work this afternoon, so I’m alone again. If you can call alone with three big dogs, a small dog, and my cat, and a jigsaw puzzle. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Obgyn confirmed what was already sucpected. If nature doesn’t take it’s course then the Dr will intervene Friday.
I will be glad when this is finally over. Very stressful for all involved.
bettie

[desdemona]

So sorry to hear that Bettie! Carole

[amyyy]

Sorry to hear that bettie- its really sad news. Send well wishes to ur daughter and try to look after urself also. Plenty of rest n relaxing and de-stressing. Hope ur doin ok

[bettie]

Originally posted by bettie

Franklar,
The same thing that is wrong with you is what is wrong with me. Do you have gambling only friends? Do you want to go when you’re happy? Sad? Upset? lonely? Job stinks? Stress? the list is endless. I hate the feeling,panic attacks that kept me up last night. I stayed online all day today. I didn’t go to work and I am a mess. But I did come to realize some truth today.
1. I am not alone.
2. I am not worthless.
3. Staying home won’t kill me but driving home drunk from the casino might.
4. I will NEVER get back the money I blew, most of which was not even mine. I pray forgiveness for that and need to stop justifing that they should not have given me that credit.
5. I can do anything I truly put my mind to. I was killing myself with food and I have lost over 100lbs, no diet, no gym membership. I spent enough time on "diets" to know how to eat. I can workout with a tape. Likewise, I can take all these "free" tools and put them to work. I had to stop making excuses and kidding myself to loose the weight. I will recover from this doing the same thing. I work my eating daily and will need to work the gambling addiction the same way.
6. Take ownership for your mistakes.
Don’t give up! Someone is thinking about you and is worried about you tonight. Lean on that love. Like me, I have to learn to love myself too.
Wow-Pretty profound thoughts on my day one. Almost two years later how many of these actions have I taken to heart?
Lots of gambling thoughts running through my head. I have to get busy tonight, maybe go to a meeting because my brain wants to gamble-destress-and we all know that doesn’t work. IT WILL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE!
just sick of everything-
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
… Don’t give up! Someone is thinking about you and is worried about you tonight. Lean on that love …

Good morning Bettie,
Or hopefully good evening if you are reading this this evening and not too much later. If you are reading it when you get home after work or your GA meeting, you are realizing the the truth in the words that you posted to Franklar, and accepting it as being the truth for you also.  In the time of stress it is not good to give up on what can help you through it, it is not good to return to something that will only bring on more regrets, pain, and stress.
Lean on the love that you find in others that care, lean of the love that you are beginning to feel for yourself. You do not need to escape from the adversities of live, and you do not need to join in with others if they feel a need to entrap you to accompany them at something that will harm you.  Stay home, go to a meeting, do something positive.  Don’t give up, take ownership of your actions and the ways that you have to deal with problems.
God’s speed. Stay strong. LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[female g]

such bad news Bettie for you and your daughter. I do so hope that this will be behind her quickly and that within a few months she will get good news again. Life is so fragil and its hard to accept when things go wrong. Luckily she has your support and wisdom. glad your there for her.G

[bettie]

Hi My Friends,
Well I thought about gambling all day today. My daughter asked me at the last minute if I wanted to go to dinner. I contemplated telling her I was busy but I said I would go to dinner. Tragedy averted. Tomorrow I will spend the day with Jen, she is having her procedure tomorrow and Friday is work and GA.
Have to keep my time tied up-just like early recovery-set barriers-stay involved in recovery.
Gambling never solved anything. It won’t make me thin, it won’t give me self esteem, it’s not bringing this baby back. Why do I think it will make me feel better? It’s misery.
Who needs that?
peace
bettie
Thanks Larry, G, Carole, Amyyy. Vera. Hope-just to name a few. I love U 2!– 1/19/2012 4:17:27 AM: post edited by bettie.

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! You weren’t alone in your struggle with gambling thoughts yesterday. I struggled too but here we are gamble free for another day. I even started my car to see if it would start should I decide to go to town to "run errands". Problem is that life will continually throw some sort of challenge at us, some bigger than others, and that we can’t go through life gambling to deal with our problems, like my daughter has told me. Who raised this kid that has told me that I can leave her house angry if I want, but that she wasn’t giving me any money to gamble with? And this is after I gave her $2,000 I had won, for my granddaughter’s education fund. And she still had the cash in her house! The nerve of her!! Lol! The days we struggle with gambling thoughts or urges will pass too, even though we are white knuckling it some days. It does look like I am going to be able to attend the April conference. You’re going to have to set up how we should do this, like where I should fly into, and what date, etc as I don’t have a clue. Then I can start watching for a good price on flights. How soon do we have to register? And how do we go about booking the hotel? Carole

[kathryn]

Hiya B,
I think we show our greatest strengths in times of great stress and worry. 
You havent gambled my friend, wanting to is one thing,  and you know that, im not giving you the pep talk, you know it all already.
With all that being said, my thoughts are with you, and Jen.
Love ya, K xxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[sunny123]

bettie!! keep yourself occupied and dont let gambling thoughts pollute your mind.. look how many of us are here.. and many of us had big wins but still we could not do anything with that money.. infact ended up loosing everything we had.. that is what i tell my urge whenever she tries to attract me towards her.. that when she could not make any of us happy then what is different in her this time.. gambling may not be the reason for all our problems.. but gambling is not the solution to any of the problem..
take care.. and hope jen recovers well and you too.. good nighttomorrow will be better than yesterday.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well it’s all true. Thanks for the pep talk and encouragement. Had a good talk with Harry this morning before I took Jen to the hospital. That helped alot, as always. See I know why GT hired the guy-and he deserves a raise in case his boss reads this-lol!
Jen is home, set up with pain meds and dogs have been walked. Her BF is home to care for her now so here I am, typing away.
Ate some soup, need to make some calls then crash! -11.4c here and the wind is picking up. Good night to stay in and stay CLEAN. I still have my d*mn cold!
bettie

[cat438]

Bettie, you posted this on someones forum and I just thought it was lovely…. thanks as I will ask myself this as I struggle with my thoughts and urges.  I am reading about so many people having urges and thoughts right now… myself included…. so we just have to feed the right wolf.  Wishing you a day free of gambling
Which Wolf Will You Feed?
 

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins?’

The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feedOne day at a time my sweet lord…

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! That was brilliant what’s posted on your thread. That’s the thing: which wolf will we feed. Talked to Reds on chat today and I told her we were going to the conference and I invited her to come along. She said she would like to so we would fly out together from Edmonton.I’m trying to talk Vera into the conference too and she’s already looked up flight prices. Lol! Carole 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks Cat and Carole. I did love this story. I had it read at my pinning. (do I need to give my pin back?) I think I first heard it from my old buddy Kin. I haven’t seen him around in a while. If you are out there friend stop and say hi sometime.
Well I fought the good fight today-and "won". I planned to gamble today, had it all figured out. I told myself if I want to go I have to clean first, then it was when the wash was done, then it was after I ran an errand, then my GF called and wanted to go to dinner. I waited it out and pushed it off and the urge has past. Belly full of food and I am in for the night.
I don’t want to live like this but I will do whatever I have to to just get past this crazyness. One day, one hour, one minute if I have to.
I KNEW if I slipped this would be the end result, URGES!
Oh well, this too shall pass!
peace
bettie

[sherry123]

Sorry for all you and your daughter are going through.  Sounds like you’ve been consumed with stress and worry.  At least you didn’t gamble and add more strain to your life. I agree that the urges are right back after even one trip to the casino.  You made a very smart choice to not gamble today! Yea!!!

[kathryn]

Funny B,
I was reading lost’s post tonight and it made me think of Kin too….where is that man (if you are reading Kin, please drop a line!)  Well done on fighting the urge B, i know just how hard it can be.  Are you still off the cigarettes?  I am just aobut to hit my 5 week mark and boy it has been tough. The times i have nearly gone and bought a pack……
Anyway, glad to hear Jen is home and being taken care of.  She is so blessed to have such a wonderful mother.
Take care my lovely friend, you are in my thoughts tonight
K xxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hey Kids,
Well another green x for me. Brother called, he made lunch, and needed to drop Jens car off. He did a break job on her car for her. What a good brother and uncle. Knowing what she’s been through he wanted to do something nice for her. We are not huggie kissie people, so this was his way to say "I love you".
To answer your question Kathryn I have had a few smokes, a couple at Christmas with  my sister, a half pack at the casino during the "slip", but I am much better with the cravings. I think about it but for whatever reason the thought of smoking is different now. I don’t want to smoke anymore. Almost no one I know smokes so thats helps alot. Also smoking is banned everywhere here and I don’t miss standing out in the cold to smoke. Keep holding on K, the urge will go away for the most part for you soon.
Now for the weight. I was going to go to a "weight watching group" but man, the membership is more than a gym!  I can do an older verson of that diet if I want to, I have saved their workbooks over the year. I could also just go back to what I was doing before. It worked for over 3 years and there is no reason it shouldn’t work again. I am so afraid of being hungry. Kind of stupid if U really think about  it. Did a little workout today, would like to start that good habit again. I need endorfins!!
Sorry I have been lax on posting to others threads. I just haven’t had it in me but trust me, I read alot and do get inspired by all your posts.
Big thunder storm tonight, glad it is not more snow. 
peace
bettie

[reds]

hi (( Bettie )) –
thanks for your reply to my post.  I know you have been very busy with caring for your daughter, we will catch up later, no worries. I have been thinking about you.   Yes, I am planning to come to Chicago with Carole, looking for the link to the conference so I can book flights, hotels, etc.  It is going to be great to finally meet you, Carole, Larrry and all the other GT people who can make it.  If you can pass along the conference info, would appreciate it !!  thanks so muchxxx.Just for today, I will not gamble away my time, freedom or peace of mind.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just so tired!
Reds, here is the info Larry posted to Carole. There are instructions for booking the hotel and a seperate form to down load for the registration and mail off.
.: http://www.gachicago.org/conference2012.html and http://www.indianlakesresort.com/map-directions.
I need to start a drastic diet now! lol!
So exciting!
bettie

[reds]

Thanks bettie – I’m looking into flites now, this should be fun. But I have nothing to wear and only a WalMart in my hometown.  You will haveto excuse my wardrobe !!  Could you give me an idea of what kind of weather we are looking at ?  And yes, I’m trying to trim those last 10 pounds, Christmas was a disaster.  Can’t wait to meet you. 

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Reds and I have purchased our flights to go to the conference and I’ve booked you and I a room at the Indian Resort- 2 queen beds, non-smoking for the 13th and the 14th. We are travelling to Chicago on the 12th and staying in a hotel overnight there before the conference. We have both been unable to open the link to register for the darn conference. Could you send the application for the conference to me as an email attachment, and the costs with the meals. Yeah! I wish I had the last 10 pounds to lose. Lol! Carole

[bettie]

10 pounds? lol!
Try 110 pounds!
I’ll try to send that form to you Carole.
Reds walmart is fine-convention is really a casual jeans type of thing. April weather is hard to predict. Last year is was 32f and raining. I would expect about the same.
Feel free to email me with any more details ok?
Thanks-
bettie

[marie512]

[marie512]

Someone once said to me in a GA meeting, that in his opinion, gambling addiction is possibly the worst off all the addictions. So, I asked why? He responded, "It is the only one in which the addict gets nothing in return; an alcoholic gets drunk, a sex addict, of course gets sex, a food addict, gets food, a shopping addict, clothes, and so on." For the gambler, any exchange is nothing but a mirage! The realization of this after a huge binge can be devastating. To think of the losses, and that you are now in worse shape than before you gambled last time,(if that is possible) and you have absolutely nothing to show for it!! How does one explain that? It is clear to see how anyone could be driven to brink of the unthinkable faced with that reality.
You are definitely not alone. It will be a long road ahead, one that will have some bumps along the way, but know that people can stop gambling, and they do so all the time! And just like most compulsive gamblers share the same negative experiences, I think we can share those positives ones too. That is, if one person can STOP gambling, I can do it, and Bettie, that means you can do it too! i wish you the best of luck, and implore you to remember; tomorrow, is a new day of potential; full of hope, healing, opportunity and even joy. Never think to rob yourself of that; you deserve it! We all do.
Marie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

…  here is the info Larry posted to Carole …

Good morning Bettie,
As you know from my post to Carole I am thinking about the conference in Chicago. There is one in KC in February that I am also thinking about and most likely will not be able to attend both; but the Chicago one might just win out.
I wont trying to get fit for the convention, I am what I am, but my doctor told me to lose 6 pounds by my next visit in a few weeks — I too need to loose a whole lot more; but this week-end I gained 6, not I have to loosed 12.
I posted to Carole and Reds to try to enter the registration page address, http://www.gachicago.org/Conferences/2012%20Conference/2012_Registration_Form%20FINAL.pdf, directly. I have looked into reserving a room but have been having trouble getting the conference reduced rate at the hotel, I don’t know if it is too early to get that rate or if all the slots or already taken but I will keep trying and may have to book at the higher rate; I do hope to attend.
God’s speed. Stay strong.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[paul315]

Originally posted by paul315
…  I have looked into reserving a room but have been having trouble getting the conference reduced rate …

Bettie, I am more of an Internet person than phone person, I even only carry my cell once day a week, when my daughter is picking me up at the "bus stop"; I only do it to keep her from worrying. (And when traveling away from home, like the past couple of days, I go tired of sitting around and went to Memphis to see the pandas and polar bears — the polar bears at the St Louis zoo died and they are building a new area before replacing them; and of course the panda or only at a few locations other than China. My granddaughter always talks about her visit here, so I came to see what they saw; bears are an interesting animal (and I don’t mean "da Bears" lol).
So my efforts to book a room has been online through the hotel link. Let me know what end the problem is on.
Have a good day.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I have forwarded that link you sent me for the GA conference registration form to my daughter as my printer is disconnected and buried under a paint drop cloth at the moment. I will see her later today as I’m babysitting the two grandkids tonight so she can go to an exercise class. The link opened so now it’s to get a US money order and a US stamp and away it will go. Hopefully we’ll all be able to get together on the evening of the 12th in Chicago and do something. There’s a TV show here called Hard Core Pawn and I understand it’s in a not so nice area of Chicago. Ever gone there just to look? Or maybe I’ll email Oprah and see if we can hang out with her that evening. What ideas do you have that we could do? Carole

[bettie]

Hi GUys,
Carole that pawn broker is in Detroit, Michigan I believe-just a couple hundred miles away-lol!
I am a tourist in my own town. Email me with the details of what you guys might like to do. Best to keep some things private for safetys sake.
I am off on the 12th.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I probably thought Detroit was in Illinois. Shows how much I know about US geography. That’s great that you’re not working on the 12th. I’ll have to check our itinerary and see what time we arrive in Chicago. I mailed off my registration form yesterday with the US money order. So Reds and I are good to go now. Carole

[bettie]

Cool Carole!
So glad I went to my meeting tonight.
Yesterday I really contemplated gambling, looking at the pro’s (0) and con’s (1000), even ran it past my Gf to see if she would take the bait-she didn’t. We had a new person come in the meeting. She was a great reminder of the reasons I walked into a meeting in the first place.
Jen fighting with the bf today, very distressing. I told her it was time for a new plan. She can’t pay the rent on her own so it’s time to get serious about finding a new place. When she moves she can break it to him that he’s not coming with her. I’m told not to get caught up in her drama. She is my only child. The chances of that not happening- well – I wouldn’t put a wager on it, and not just because I don’t gamble any more.
Got a head ache. Time for bed.
peace
bettie

[sunny123]

hello bettie, it is very good that you avoided any gambling yesterday, it gives such a good feeling next day if we have not messed up last night.. you are having so much stress for last few weeks.. hope things settle down with jen and you keep going strong. tomorrow will be better than yesterday.

[finding_laura]

Good morning Bettie,
glad to see you even if it just for a few minutes.  I too almost gambled, on Thursday.  I actually tried.  See my post to Kathryn if you are curious.  Hang tough girl.
Laura xo

[bettie]

Tx sunny,
Laura i am just frustrated.
Have to remind myself gambling will only make things worse.
bettie

[amyyy]

Good on you bettie for not gambling. Even though we chalk up so much time not gambling it can take just one slip to bring those nasty urges back. But u know with time they will fade away again. Keep strong- uv done it before- u know u can do it again. Everyones cheerin for ya x

[coffee44]

Hello,
Just wanted to say I totally relate to your story—thanks"when everything changes, change everything"

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Man, I am just so out of sorts.
I feel defeated, worthless, and I don’t know how to shake it. I know I have many friends here to support me. Seems the simplest of things are a struggle.
Do we go through fazes, even as adults?
I just want a normal, happy life. It seems to come so easily to most people or are they all just faking it too?
I am finding it diffucult to just get out of bed in the morning. My energy level is nill. I just don’t feel well and I don’t know where to start.
Doctors appointment next week. Maybe he will have some answers.
peace
bettie
 

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie: I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling low tonight. I want you to know that you are my hero. You have managed to stay gamble free for one full year, MUCH more than I’ve been able to do. In your posts, I feel that you have trivialized your enormous progress by focusing so much on a little hiccup. I worry about your negative self-talk, B. Words such as worthless etc. That is so ridiculous in the broad context of things. You have raised a beautiful daughter, managed a successful career, held your head high as an independent woman, strong in your decisions. Gambling does not define us. Weight does not define us. Career struggles do not define us. We are so much more, Bettie. You have fought the battles and won so many times. See your strength, our Bettie. I do. Love, RG

[finding_laura]

Morning B,
I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling unwell.  I know how the physical ailments can add to the struggle of being a CG in recovery.  Life and recovery take so much energy and then to add physical illness to it is hard.  Could you be depressed B?  Discuss that with your doc as well.  I’m concerned about your not having the energy to get out of bed even though you make yourself for work.  Stay strong my friend, you have accomplished sooooooooo much.  I hope you get some answers next week.
take care xo
Laura

[kathryn]

HIya B,
I for one definitely go through phases.  They usually dont last long, but suddenly for no reason i will be really sad, or feel i need to find the meaning of my life. 
You have had a lot of sadness lately B, with Jen.  It is going to affect you, like it or not.  Ride the wave, see what the doctor says, make sure you write down everything you are feeling to tell him, cause if you are anything like me, by the time you get there you either feel a bit better or cant remember everything.
Lastly, there is happiness out there, but remember nothing is ever what it seems and while others lives may look perfect through your eyes,  everyone has an ‘outer’ appearance.
Time for me to have a shower and get ready for work,
Love ya girl,
Kathryn xxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[vera]

Being physically unwell colours our whole outlook on life Bettie! Healthy body, healthy mind! Kathryn is right. All that glitters is not gold. Take a break B! You need to rest!

[vera]

Just bringing you to the top Bettie because that’s where you deserve to be!
You’ve inspired many many people here. If you find yourself struggling, why not come on here and share with your friends? You know we are here for you Bettie, for better or worse! Trust us!

[bettie]

Good Morning Guys,
Thanks for the shove Vera. I could not sign on to the site last night , even using the /uk at the end.
Gee Laura looks like I missed you this morning too.
My timing is a lot like me, just a bit off!
Going to help my GF with her taxes after work. The state is just outragious. I did Jen’s and they tax unemployment payments and she ows the state $500.
I feel like I could sleep for a week.
Thanks for thinking of me,
bettie
 

[sunny123]

everybody goes through phases bettie.. we all are humans.. and not machines.. emotions have a large role to play in our functioning.. take some time out for yourself, eat well, drink plenty (not alcohol) and try to slow down the pace of life.. easier said than done.. but can be done.. hope you start feeling better soon. tomorrow will be better than yesterday.

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Sorry to hear that you are struggling with so many things. I wish life wasn’t so difficult for you. You are doing well not gambling, even though you have a lot of stress in your life, pretty much on a daily basis. It’s hard as parents not to see our kids living up to their potential, and them being in a less than ideal relationship. There is much to be grateful for, like a roof over our head and having a fulltime job. On an offnote, I will probably be going back to work fulltime, which is something I have not had to do for a decade. Happy Recovery Day! Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well one less thing to struggle with. I did my taxes and have a bit of a refund from the federal but like Jen I have to pay the state. Another benefit of not gambling-not taking all your retirement money out to gamble then owe the goverment even more money! I plan to do something frivioulous with the refund- I’m buying a new TV and maybe a new recliner. Much better than throwing it into a machine thats for sure.
More good news is that I am doing really well with my goals at work. I am at 100% on two of five (only 4 weeks in) and there is real pontential for -dare I say- a substantial bonus, one you could really see! God is GOOD!
I’m going to watch the super game ( can’t say b*wl, copyright infringement, lol!) at my brothers tomorrow. Let him cook clean and entertain. I will put my feet up and try to do as little as possible. Feeling a bit better, blood sugar much lower today.
I found Todays Word posted by Ken to describe how I have been feeling. Time to stop the pity party and just get on with life. It’s not so bad really.
Pulling out of slump!
bettie
 
Today’s thought from Hazelden is:

Reflection for the Day

If I live just one day at a time, I won’t so quickly entertain fears of what might happen tomorrow. As long as I’m concentrating on today’s activities, there won’t be room in my mind for worrying. I’ll try to fill every minute of this day with something good – seen, heard, accomplished. Then, when the day is ended, I’ll be able to look back on it with satisfaction, serenity and gratitude. Do I sometimes cherish bad feelings so that I can feel sorry for myself?

Today I Pray

That I will get out of the self-pity act and live for today. May I notice the good things from dawn to nightfall, learn to talk about them and thank God for them. May I catch myself if I seem to be relishing my moans and complaints more often than appreciating the goodness of my life.

Today I Will Remember

Today is good.
You are reading from the book:
A Day at a Time (Softcover) by Anonymous

 
 

[finding_laura]

Enjoy the game B!  talk soon xo
Laura

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Glad to hear that you’re feeling better, and are going to be able to buy yourself a "reward." It is true that most, if not all of us, do go through low emotional times, and they can last a while. But I remember feeling worse than low every day when I was actively gambling. I started a gratitude journal where I write down 5 things about what I’m grateful for daily. I wish I could say I write in it every day, but there are days I’m busy with everything non-gambling related. I find that if I focus on the positives, then that becomes the big picture. Even with my hubby, I focus on what he is, as opposed to what he isn’t. Did I mention that my ticket to Chicago is non-refundable?? I already told the excutive director that I needed those days in April off. Carole

[bettie]

Great Carole!
I got a gratitute journal at my pinning. Still on the shelf! Blank!
Maybe i need to take it out and write in it!
bettie
 

[vera]

Glad youre feeling better B! The bank must love you! Building up all that business for them! I hope you continue to achieve your potential in EVERY way! On day at a time!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Funny how things change. When I was at my brothers house he told me about a conversation he had just had with my mom. I have a cousin who is a "professional" poker player. He is a Mensa member (genuis) so maybe he has a edge? (Doubtful, when you have to rely on the turn of a card!) Well I guess he won a tournment, a big pot. Instead of getting excited about his "win" I said out loud "Gee, wonder what it really cost him to win it?"  Even my brother, who doesn’t know about my "problem" said it was funny how gamblers never talked about their losses. I chuckled to myself-no truer words ever spoken-because as gamblers it is just our "cost of doing business". What a cost! Financial, emotional, physical. Insanity? You can say that again. We keep chasing and chasing our losses, making them multiply in leaps and bounds.
Few behaviours are more insane than that.
peace
bettie

[alice]

Hi Bettie
How true!!! We never talk about our losses. Maybe we should do it might remind us of how futile the whole thing is!
Alice "Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Alice nice to see u posting! Funny how our addiction blocks out what it doesn’t want to hear.
My niece will be having a girl , her 2nd. Poor Jen, she called me last night, wanted to know if she would be having a shower for the new baby. I told her most likely, as people no longer just give stuff for the first baby. She started crying-"Mom I just don’t know how I could go to it, knowing my baby would have been the same age." I told her not to worry, everyone would understand what ever she decided to do.
I will see my niece tomorrow-first time since Jen lost hers. I thought it would be hard, and now I feel really sad about it, knowing how Jen feels. I know it’s not my fault but somehow I feel like it’s part of my bad karma.
Silly i know.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! The miscarriage is still raw for Jen, but perhaps by the time the baby shower happens, Jen will be more at peace with it. The lead up to an event is usually more painful than the actual event I have found, over and over. She can choose not to go like you mentioned, and people will understand. She may even be pregnant herself by the time the shower rolls around. A day at a time for all of us. I’m looking forward to Chicago. Still haven’t heard from Oprah as to whether we can hang out with her when we’re there. lol! Carole

[icandothis]

Bettie,  I have only felt good karma coming from you.  And I know my karma’s!!

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Thought I’d bring your thread to the top. Somehow I "sense" that everything isn’t well in Bettie’s world. Hope I’m wrong! Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks Carole. I’m ok. Trying not to beat myself up about things, I keep dweling on the things I worked hard for, but somehow, I just didn’t work hard enough.
I am enjoying a smoke as I type. I bought some when I gambled last and it seemed like something I could "handle" – lol!
I gained all this weight for nothing, chalk up another one for my compulsive behaviours.
I keep thinking about Jen’s baby-I was in hush hush mode, not really "feeling" like I could be a Grandma. I was right. Sometimes it really sucks to be right.
I have no desire to communicate with my sponser. If I call her I will get the lecture how it is my responsibility to stay in contact. I want to tell her she’s off the hook. I sound like an ungrateful brat but I really have learned so much from her and I don’t want to dwell on what didn’t work. Everythings my fault, I accept that. I tried my way and it didn’t work. I thought I was trying the GA steps but i somehow managed to screw those up and wound up with 16 months of abnanstance, not recovery.
Carole the thought of you, reds and Larry coming for the mini conference is the only thing that is holding my recovery – if I can even call it that- together.
I don’t know how to start over. It’s not like it’s just one little thing, it’s everything. I feel like I am stuck in netural.
I need to do the next right thing. I will force myself to go to GA tomorrow. My heart is not in it, but my butt will be there anyways.
On a lighter note…
Things are going well at work. I decited that instead of watching other gals get flowers for Valentine’s Day I would insure I would not be left out for a change. I sent my self 20 tulips. Is that the strangest thing you have ever heard? I guess I have a love-hate relationship with myself and I have put in enough time on the hate part. Time to work on the love.
peace
bettie

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie: Sending yourself flowers is not strange at all, it’s lovely. I used to do it all the time. It’s what attracted my husband to me. He loved that I thought it was normal to be good to myself. Can you tell that this was in my non-gambling days? Hang in there, girl. RG

[finding_laura]

Dear Bettie,
Quitting smoking has got to be one of the hardest things ever. Your smoke free time is not in vain the same as your gamble free time is not in vain.  Before you "abstained" from gambling for so long (and for the record, i don’t think you can say that you didn’t spend time in recovery no matter what your sponsor thinks) could you hve imagined not  gambling for a year and having it feel normal? Not time wasted my friend!  You have gained ground. It must have been truly painful for both yourself and Jen to have that little one taken away so fast.  It is making Jen think though isn’t it, that she deserves more. And you too? Enjoy those tulips Bettie, if i could have sent them to you I would have.  So when you say you have a secret admirer you won’t be fibbing.  I do admire you B.
take care,
Laura

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! You would have been an awesome Grandma, and you will be when it happens for you. I’m happy to hear that you’re not stressing about us meeting up for the conference, as I wondered if that was affecting your state of mind. I am looking forward to meeting you as is Reds! I’m not sure which things you think you worked hard for and that you feel you didn’t work hard enough for. If it’s the quitting smoking, you did well to stay quit for so long. It’s like compulsive gambling I find. One of the toughest addictions to let go of. I couldn’t do it as I thought of smoking all the time plus I had more urges to gamble. So I figured that smoking was cheaper financially, and decided to go with that. I love tulips and pink gerberra daisies. I too have bought myself flowers because I wasn’t getting any from my husband. Good for you for doing something nice for yourself. Your friend always, Carole

[reds]

Hi Bettie – Flowers !! How lovely.  I’m sure I won’t get any, got them three times, one for each baby and one for an operation !!  You have to be in hospital to qualify around here. LOL.  I got breakfast in bed for my first Mother’s Day too, but I was in the hospital !!   Haha.  Delivered by a very nice nurse. 
I’m looking forward sooo much to meeting you, from your writings I expect we have a lot in common.  My struggle with weight continues, did well until last weekend when we had company, fell off the wagon and gained 7 pounds in seven days !!  How does that happen ?  Every day is a new opportunity, though and I did well last night.  Snacked on snap peas and oranges.  Too bad I can’t ban myself at the grocery store !!
I worry that my clothes are not nice enough for Chicago, no opportunity to shop here and being underemployed means every penny counts.  But I’m coming anyhow, wouldn’t give up the chance to meet with someone as wonderful as you.  You hang in there, be kind to yourself as you are to all others, and don’t listen to people who downplay your achievements.  Just because you have slipped doesn’t make your recovery less valid.  Progress, not perfection as our friend Carole says !!
reds.
 

[velvet]

 
Hi Bettie
Three things:-
What date are you meeting each other?
It is great reading your thread.    I think that abstention becomes recovery. I don’t believe anything as damaging as this addiction can be instantly cauterised.   You are doing so well and yet you are so hard on yourself.    
And
I have copied and pasted the words that you copied and pasted from Marilee’s post ages ago. I think they deserve an outing in F&F. Not sure when or how but they definitely deserve to be aired again. 
I would love to be a fly on the wall when you all meet or better still standing shoulder to shoulder.    
A dive into ‘My Journal’ threads always brings me new understanding or in the case of Marilee’s post a different way of saying something that I have been trying to say but not saying as clearly as I could, or would have hoped – not that I ever get confusing!
Whenever your meeting is I hope it is wonderful. I found on the rare occasions I was invited into a GA group that love literally bounced off the walls – at a conference it must be amazing. 
Velvet 
 

[finding_laura]

Morning B,
hoping to catch you.  talk soon!
Laura

[bettie]

Wow-so nice to see your posts today.
Sitting here in the cold trying to convince myself that smoking is a habit that I have re-taught myself, thats all. I do not want to go out and buy more cigrettes. maybe I can make this a "slip" and not a total relaspe. Just like I really don’t want to gamble, I really don’t want to smoke either. I don’t want to tell my family I am smoking. The worse part is I will isolate from them, cut family outings short or just refuse to go-so I can smoke. I did that FOR YEARS! I couldn’t bear the thought of not smoking for 2 days and missed out on camping trips. It’s the same thing people do when they are gambling.
I ate and ate today. My co workers mil made homemade tamales-omg-i bought a dozen and ate ten. That was lunch and dinner but none the less- i could explode!
I didn’t make my meeting – we had ice on the roads. I will be told I am making excuses . At least they are honest and true. It is what it is.
Velvet we meet on the 12th of April. I wish you were joining us! I don’t know how to be anything but hard on myself. Guess that method doesn’t work.
Reds, Carole-go see "The Vow". It is a love story. It was good, But the reason I would like u to see it is because it’s filmed in Chicago. Maybe you will get an idea of something you might want to go see when you’re here. Please don’t worry about wardrobe. When we meet you will know why! lol! This is a blue jean affair.
Such a shame about Whitney Houston! An example of  what addiction, any addiction will do. It robs us of our health, talent, time and truely our lives.
RG always a pleasure to see your name in a post. Laura I think I will sleep in a bit tomorrow so I might be on the chat 7:30-8 am. Thats about 1 hour later than usual for me. I always love to see you.
Vera, thats 1:30-2 pm your time. Kathryn I have no idea but I think it’s too late for you!
Hope, where are u?
peace
bettie
 

[bettie]

Didn’t go buy smokes last night-score one for me!
Did my big Sunday Breakfast. It’s will be ok as long as I don’t follow it with a big Sunday lunch and supper, and a day filled with snacks.
Can’t even call this baby steps-guess you need to crawl before you can walk! God does seem to have a way of knocking the knees out from under me!
peace
bettie

[reds]

HI Bettie – good on you for not buying smokes.  The urges will pass, as you know and as the months go by the habit of non-smoking will become your new habit.  You did it before and you can do it again, you deserve the freedom and good health.  Hang in there, it will get better.
I’m going out for brekkie now, did a nice long walk ending with 99 stairs yesterday and I’ll do it again today.  That ice better be gone by the time Carole and I get there, I will check out that movie, maybe can get it online ?  No theatre in my home town !!Just for today, I will not gamble away my time, freedom or peace of mind.

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I was planning to see that movie, because a friend of mine wants to see it. I didn’t know it was shot in Chicago so I’ll be paying extra attention now. Good for you for trying to quit smoking again. My daughter ran 21 km this morning in 2 hours 17 minutes- her first hypothermic marathon she said. I can scarcely believe that someone could run that far in so little time. I’ve had her 3 year old since Friday 10:30 am, so it will be nice when her Mommy and Daddy come and get her later today. Husband is angry at me as I have told him that I plan on euthanizing the Bouvier I adopted last summer. He said something to the effect of stop donating to the animal shelter, put yourself on a list so they won’t let you adopt any more animals………. and hung up. He also sent me an email begging me to not to take HIS Mic to the vet. I’m still taking him to the vet as I can’t continue to live under the stress the dog causes me. Husband just called me back. Said the dog is not sick and can’t believe I would do that to him.  Mic thrashed my bed trying to get at the cat on Friday. He has previously destroyed a leather recliner chair. Now to have to fight with my husband about my decision makes it so much harder.  Carole 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well Reds we could have snow-it did sleet last year but it could be springlike too-no telling!
99 stairs? there was a time, not so long ago, I could have done that. I can barely make the 21 up to my 3rd floor condo. I am really mad my cell phone is in the car! I have to make the trip back up at least one more time tonight!
Ate like a p i g! today! No smoking. The thought is there but the urge is not. It will go away-I just have to keep reminding myself.
So Sad, watching Whitney Houston stuff. I remember my friend who passed on Fathers Day talking about her once, saying how people ridiculed her style, saying she manipulated (sp) her voice and now look- a whole new pop singing style based on her. Maybe she is singing right now, at peace with her addiction at last.
bettie

[erin]

Hi Bettie.  You are doing great with not smoking.  I can totally relate with what you are going through.  I quit smoking three months ago and still have occasional urges now and then.  I also cannot stop eating.  I think I must have some oral fixation or something.  I wish I had a nail-biting habit instead of this needing to eat every 5 minutes habit. 
It is sad about Whitney Houston.  I remember the very first cassette tape I owned was one of hers.  48 is too young to die.  More reason to be grateful for every day we are given. 
TC
-E

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Is it Wednesday already?
Time flys when you are busy working.
Still no smoking or gambling. I really wanted to stop for smokes but I kept driving. Even the drug stores here sell the d*mn things.
Not much to say.
Calm is ok.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Velvet mentioned this in her post so I thought I would pull it up again.
As Always, Marilee-thank you! You have given a voice to so many cg’s! You have touched so many lives!
Hi Guys,
Just working on some readings for my pinning. I found this early in my GT days and it means alot to me. It helped me understand myself a bit better.
   
I copied this from Marilee’s thread. It speaks so much truth ( at least to me ) that I almost cried when I read it.
I would recomend having someone to whom you are trying to explain this illiness to read it.
Thanks Marilee, hope you are ok where ever you are. 
  
It often crosses my mind that being an addict is like trying to communicate with a deaf world.  You are trying and trying to say the words, but no one can hear you.  It is a disease of incredible loneliness, isolation, secrecy, fear and depression.  Since you don’t walk with crutches, have a cast, bandages or bruises, others do not know you are sick. In the beginning, you don’t know you are sick either.  It may be more visible to others who notice your mood, your unhappiness, your withdrawal, than it is to you.  Make no mistake – the denial of a problem is protecting the addict from a pain they are not ready to handle.  With all addictions, moving from denial is a risky process.  It involves putting your relationships, your self-esteem, your sanity on the line.  To get from denial to acknowledgement, those who surround you need to understand this:  gambling is NOT about the money.  Money is only the tool that helps us continue to use a coping mechanism to deal with negative emotions.  The power of the addiction is that, in the beginning, this tool worked amazingly well.  In the beginning, a casino feels like a safe place.  No one asks anything of you, the lights and noise distract your thoughts, for one hour or ten, you have nothing to do but sit and press a button that randomly rewards you.  Go back to any Psychology 101 class and you will find that it is proven that random rewards are far more powerful in sustaining the behavior.  This would be an ideal solution, except that – like an alcoholic who needs more and more alcohol to get drunk – a gambler needs to go more often to shut off the negative emotions and the anxiety, depression and despair that those emotions cause.  Eventually, the financial losses accumulate, and you add yet another layer of problems to the many you already couldn’t cope with.  In many ways, it is easier to see the financial problems as the only ones you really have.  There isn’t a gambler out there who doesn’t say "if only I could win $10,000 my problems would be solved".  Well, they would be solved on one level – relief from the stress of unpaid bills, collection calls, legal action – but the reasons why you gamble have not been addressed and you would begin the cycle all over again.
Gamblers are both alike and different.  We are alike because we have chosen a coping mechanism for psychological pain that, without question, will lead to financial ruin, destruction of relationships and often death.  We are alike because we all play a negative tape in our heads – "I am stupid", "I am worthless", "If anyone really knew me they would not love me"; and on and on it goes.  We are only different in the life situations that cause us to have the negative emotions.
What can those who are close to a gambler do?  Perhaps it is easier to list what I believe they should not do.  Do not judge, belittle or demean us.  That is what we do to ourselves in our head.  Words like "shocked" "disappointed" "angry" will not help us.  They will increase the negative emotions, and increase the drive to release that pressure by gambling more.  Do not place the blame for your emotions on us.  "You hurt me because you lied" "You have taken my trust".  We can’t deal with our own emotions, how in God’s name are we supposed to deal with yours?  Those close to a gambler need to work concurrently with us – find your own outlet and help for your emotions while we are dealing with ours.  We are not indifferent to how those around us are feeling, we are simply not capable of helping them.  Do not expect a gambler to tell you why they gamble.  For some it is a lifelong pursuit to understand it themselves.  At a minimum, it is a lengthy process of uncovering the many things in their past that brought them here.  Do not expect a gambler to just stop once they have acknowledged the gambling.  You are an addict for life.  Recovery often involves relapse.  Think of it this way – if someone tells you that you can never, ever have chocolate again, wouldn’t you run around and binge on it before it was gone?  A gambler is losing the only crutch they have and it is very scary.  Until other, different and healthy coping mechanisms are in place, we are terrified to be without our gambling crutch.
What can you do?  Always, always have compassion.  Someone you love is in terrible pain.  If they had a physical disease, you would unquestionably be there to support them.  But they have an emotional disease – and they need you even more.  Tell them you love them, need them, and want to suppport them to get well.  Don’t threaten them – "If you gamble again I am leaving".  Unless of course that is how you really feel.  If so, say it, mean it, do it.  This is an intensive battle for the gambler’s life.  If you’re not in it for the long haul, then get out of the way.  It is okay to place reasonable conditions on your support  – "I’ll drive you to your meetings but I won’t give you money" – but that doesn’t mean your love can be conditional. 
Respect the gambler.  There is no dignity in this disease.  We have spent a long time and a lot of energy creating a false mask for others in order to hide our disease and our pain.  Admitting you are an addict takes more courage than most people will ever know.  We deserve to be respected for this.
 

[luvs2garden]

Thanks for posting Bettie, what a wonderful expression of everyone of us here!

[bettie]

Hi guys,
L2G, I loved that and still do.
Fresh off the chat. Ken L asked where I was in my recovery right now. I’m stuck, right in the middle. Desisions to make, people to address things with. I just need to do it and get un-stuck!
In Between

Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in between.

One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don’t want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.

This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.

Being in between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush.

Being in between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.

We may have many feelings going on when we’re in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what’s ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.

Being in between isn’t fun, but it’s necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we’re standing still, but we’re not. We’re standing at the in between place. it’s how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.

We are moving forward, even when we’re in between.

Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990
 
 
peace
bettie
 
 
 
 

[sunny123]

hi bettie.. loved your last few posts, thanks for sharing with us. .good that you are gamble and smoke free.. hope it continues.. take care of yourselftomorrow will be better than yesterday.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well here’s one for the guys! I bought myself a 42" LCD TV today, and for the ladies, I am waiting for a funiture delivery. I spent what is my first tax refund in about 4 years. Not so long ago that would have ment a couple days gambling but not today! The funiture is from a hotel resale shop. Not a major investment but something to brighten the place up.
I am in need of a change!
I went to my meeting last night. My heart wasn’t in it but I did get a warm reception from a couple people. The one person I would have liked to talk to couldn’t leave after the meeting fast enough. I think my gambling really bothers her. I have to remember that I can’t control people, places or things. If this friendship is lost then it wasn’t much of a friendship anyways. I am not responsible for how someone else feels. They have a right to feel however they feel, and so do I.
Well I am excited about something for a change. Hurry up funiture guys~~!
peace
bettie

[icandothis]

Bettie,  Thank you for those great posts.  I, too, am in an in between place.  Waiting in my cocoon, waiting in the darkness, in between identities, working to shed my old life waiting for a new life to begin, storing energy, gaining strength, waiting for my wings to grow, waiting for the day I  can leave this cocoon and take flight!

[reds]

Hi Bettie –
Well, I took your advice and went to see The Vow.  It was the first night out I’ve had in a long time, so glad you suggested it. We drove to Jasper which is stunningly beautiful, about 1 hour away because they have a theatre.  The movie was enjoyable and your city looks beautiful.  One thing kind of puzzled me, ask me when I see you.  Have been reading a little bit about city history… fascinating place .
I will be getting some new furniture when the living room is finished, today painting the upstairs hallway and down the stairs. Change is good, been staring at the same old furniture for 25 years, when we moved most of it went to the dump. 
Hope you enjoy your new big-screen TV.   All the guys will want to be there on game day.   See ya in a bit.
reds.

[kathryn]

Hey B,
Im wondering,your GA friend, is it possible she feels that your gambling is a refletion on her?  Dont let it get you down, as you said, you cant control anyone else but yourself!
How exciting, new furniture and a new TV…WOOHOO!!!
I hope you enjoy every second of it….you deserve it!
Love K xxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Guess it’s time for an update!
Well the funiture, couch and 2 chairs, are nice. I will buy some new stuff someday but this is nicer than what I had but I miss my recliner!
I don’t know what to do about my GA friend. I should reach out but I am determined I will not take blame for their feelings. In my co dependent past I would have been calling and begging for forgiveness even if I had done nothing wrong. That was then – this is now.
Went to my Dr today. After 12 years of being diabetic I guess I will finally feel like one. I will be taking shots 4 times a day and testing 4 times a day too. I have tried to avoid this but it’s finally here. I shed a few tears about it but it’s better than how my dad had it. Insulin in these injector pens can be left at room tempeture so I have that advantage. I really hate this!
Talked to my sister today. She said my brothers Dr said he has an OCD. I told her it runs in familys. We have a really cr*ppy gene pool, thats for sure!
Looks like I may need to buy a new car-long story short-mine is just not reliable anymore. Just back out of the shop again. It will be nice to have a new car but it will be a strain on the budget. I remember buying my current car in Feb 2006 and thinking I would need to cut back on my gambling since I had a car payment to make. On Feb 22nd, 2010, when I first found GT my car was on the verge of being repossessed. It takes time but my how things have changed. Not gambling is a good thing!
Thanks for everything for the last 2 years GT! I dare not think where I would be right now if I had not found you all here!!
much love
bettie

[غير معروف]

Pleased things are back to "normal" Bettie, showing us all the way to go. Am jealous of your big telly but really pleased for you that you have given yourself a treat out of your tax rebate.
Good reading as usual.
Geordie.Recovery is priceless.

[finding_laura]

Wohooo B!  Glad you have treated yourself too.  Just keep taking care of yourself the best you can B, you are doing awesome.  Proud of you not obsessing or begging for forgiveness…about what i’m not sure, haven’t read back too far… but glad you are recognizing lots of times its other people’s issues.  No need to carry the world, gets rather heavy. Just got back, catch up Sat morning if we both are up!  xo enjoy your pressies.
xo Laura

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I bet you’re loving the big screen tv and new furniture. Nice to get some money back from the government for a change as it always seems that we do nothing but pay them. I didn’t get that fulltime position that I applied for and it’s a long, sordid story, but I’m so over it now. I feel like someone else lived my life for the almost 3 weeks I waited to hear. I have learned that I cannot handle big stressors at this point in recovery. I need predictability and a quiet stable life. So from now on I’m going to continue to paint room by room, and will take renters in when I feel like it. I gave notice to my crazy neighbour and they have to be out by May 31st. I’m hoping they find a place before that. I tolerated her crazy behavior for three years and I’ve had enough craziness with them. She is convinced that her sister-in-law put a bugging device in their biggest TV set and in their truck. So they don’t watch that TV. She was convinced that her MIL and/or SIL had gotten a hold of her IP address and were monitoring her computer communications, so she poured a pitcher of water on her laptop. The list goes on and on! I am looking forward to the conference in April. I haven’t got a confirmation back from the Chicago GA people yet, that I’m registered for the conference. Carole   

[bettie]

Hi Everyone,
I had a wonder thought provoking post that went into cyberspace!
Just a quick check in.
Not feeling great, trying to get adjusted to the 4x daily insulin injection. I went to dinner with Jen and broke down in tears at the table, snotty watress, slow service and trying to figure out when I should run to the bathroom and take a shot. I feel like I failed yet again-I gained this weight-and now I have to pay the piper. I guess this is a common reaction but I sure hate it.
bettie

[vera]

Hi Bettie!….I was in a restuarant lately (maybe I told you this before) and saw a young woman discreetly  injecting herself with insulin at the table. She was about 8 stone weight! My point is, dont blame your need to take insulin on your weight. There are other factors involved too. I was at a wedding last Saturday. I still have every dress/suit/jacket etc from my wardrobe (all the items that would not fit) thrown on beds and bannisters , I spent so long trying to squeeze myself into a rigout I was exhausted and fit to go back to bed before we left the house for the wedding… I didnt breathe properly until I got home that night! Sickening!
You haven’t failed Bettie. Never give up. Stick to a diet/exercise plan that will eventually bring down that weight. Stress won’t help of course! I’ll have to follow my own counsel too!

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Sorry to hear about the insulin 4 times a day and the 4 times a day testing. Perhaps it’s a good thing as you will have a better handle on managing your glucose levels by being aware, thus less damage to your body. You sure do have a lot of health challenges, more than most people. I imagine you’re going to feel like a pin cushion though. Vera is right that diabetes affects a lot of people that aren’t overweight. My daughter’s MIL is normal weight and she has severe diabetes, as do many members of that family. Hope you’re doing OK and enjoying your weekend. Carole

[desdemona]

I don’t know what planet I’m living on today, wishing you a good weekend, when it’s only Tuesday. Carole

[bettie]

Hi guys,
Well things are looking up. I mannaged 3 workouts so far this week and had somewhat "normal" readings today. It’s still a pain but it will get better. Come join me Vera.
As much as it will be tough affording it I got pre approved for a car loan. Still debating what i will do however God is Good! 2 years ago my car was almost repossessed and now I can get a new loan without a co signer! Here’s proof that there are benefits to NOT GAMBLING.
Carole I am going to go see "Elvis"- young and old-it’s a dinner show my gf bought tickets for for my birthday. Wow, had to believe another year has passed. 49, doesn’t seem right, I sure don’t feel 49, on my best days I still feel like I am a little kid.
Laura I am debating taking my TV back. The speaker has a hissing sound! I do enjoy the picture and the funiture does make it look a bit different in here.
Bed time already!
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Way to go on the 3 workouts! The Elvis dinner show sounds fabulous!! Maybe you have a snake in your TV speaker. Just kidding!! I’m terrified of snakes! Living in the country I have had two occasions where I’ve been raking in the spring, once by the firepit wood pile, and a three foot garter snake slittered out. Nobody was home but I screamed and ran into the house. I was done raking for that day. When we first moved in, a family member said they saw a snake on the property, and I was sure that I couldn’t live in the country because of that. A new vehicle sounds nice, though I understand it will be difficult on your finances. Can you sell your older vehicle and put the money down on the new vehicle, and extend the payments for as long as you can? I hate to see you having more stress financially. Carole  

[bettie]

Hey Carole,
No snakes here either!!
I bit the bullet-I bought a new car. I got an OK deal-not alot for the trade but it’s allright. The car stalled on me yesterday and again today. Whatever problem is next won’t be my problem- I just have to make the payment. I figure you only live once and d*mn it I deserve it and be sides, I am a CG- I can rationalize anything! lol!
I should get the new car Saturday and then off to see "Elvis". It’s a Cheverolet Cruze if you want to look it up. So Carole now you get a first class ride when you come to Chicago.
Fun Fun Fun!!!
bettie

[vera]

Safe driving B!
I hope that car always goes in the right direction and never spends time in a casino parking lot!
mini skirt and sun glasses next!
 

[bettie]

Thats a good thought Vera!
I talked to my sister last night. It seems her husbands unemployment benefits have run out. I’m not sure what they will do, it really scarry for them. Instead of helping my Mom plans to bail and let them loose the house. She seems to think that she will get a place with my oldest brother. He hasn’t worked in years and just started getting disabality payments. Sad situtation.
Funny how buying this car has made me want to smoke and the gambling thought has been there. I am stressed about taking on the bill, thought for a second maybe I could "win" the car payment! lol!! Well we all know better than that!
peace
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I wasn’t concerned about travelling in style to the conference. When Danny and I got together  almost 18 years ago, we had nothing. I was between jobs in my field and was cleaning rich people’s houses 5 days a week, 8 hours a day for six months, and Danny was unemployed. We has an old brown truck that seemed to need a quart of oil every few miles. And he owed his parents a lot of money. Congratulations on your new ride! The first question most of us women ask is what color is it? I know it hurts a lot to see family members struggle. I hope that things can turn around for them soon. It’s always scary to buy something new like a vehicle or other big purchase. That’s probably why the smoking and gambling urges hit. Carole  

[reds]

Dear Bettie – Sorry to hear about your diabetes, but with monitoring and insulin your blood sugar levels will be better controlled, and the treatment options have certainly improved.  You may even feel better.  Yes, it is a hard thing to accept a chronic disease, I know that.  But good news about the car.  I, like Carole, had older vehicles because they kept working for us, so I didn’t care what they looked like.  Our kids did ask us not to drive by their schools, tho.
No more scrimping and saving just to send the casino owners on holiday for us !! 
By workouts, do you mean like at a gym or something ??  I’m impressed !! Some day I hope to get there too.

[kathryn]

B,
Enjoy the ride my friend, you so deserve it.
This is sooooo off any kind of topic, but im watching a show right now and Sean Penn is on and he has the biggest head i have ever seen!!!  What is that???????
Anyway, hope i made you smile,
Love ya, K xxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Too bad you couldn’t post a picture of your brand new 2012 fabulous Chevy Cruze car! And now that you don’t smoke it will have that new car smell. I’m back from the city and tired as it’s been a long stressful day. Carole

[bettie]

Hey kids,
News-news-news~
Talked to my sister last night, her husband GOT A JOB! Thank you Jesus! Talk about making it in the nick of time! He starts next week, it’s in his field and, bonus, Its close to home! It’s a cut in pay from what he was making but with the added conviences he comes out way ahead.
Thank you Thank you Thank you!!
I have spent the last hour looking for the car title. I am a last minute person too!
I have driven many many beater cars and they really served their purpose. I bought my very first new car in 1994, when my dad retired and moved down state. He was the back yard mechanic and it was said by the young men if Mr G couldn’t fix the car it couldn’t be fixed. My experance then is like it is now-when a woman walks in the price of the repair doubles. I love a man who can fix a car~~!!
Hey reds- I do all my workouts at home-dvd’s. the "walk at home" series by Leslie Sansone is a favorite. She works with all fitness ( or lack of fitness ) levels. I need to get back to early AM workouts. By the time I get home I am usually too tired.,
Hey K, I never noticed Sean Penns head-lol!-I’ll look next time I see him.
Carole glad u like the car!
tc
bettie

[sunny123]

hi bettie!! congrats on your new car.. and congrats for your sisters husband getting a new job.. you keep continuing your exercise and keep your diabetes under control. you sound happier in your posts and nice to know that.tomorrow will be better than yesterday.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
News-news-news~ …

Good morning Bettie,
Good to read your post about good news; when we are gambling free being able to tell about good news has a way of pushing aside the negative thoughts about bad news related to gambling that seams to limit our ability to see the good things of life.
Enjoy your new ride, both the car and your journey, may they both be trouble free.
God’s speed. Stay strong.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I am soooooooo relieved that your brother-in-law got this awesome job! It does seem like divine intervention from what you say. Carole

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!  Just wanted to say Hi!!!  I’m back!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie
Havent been around as much lately and just wanted to say hello and i am still reading along here, hope to see you soon
Living with Hope

[bettie]

Hey Everyone,
I love my car!
I am more than a bit frustrated about my meds. As u know I am trying to get my blood sugar down. Long story short I had to get some meds filled at my local pharmacy. Because of the dosage they will only give me a 27 day supply-and my out of pocket co payment is $50. They should give me a full 30 days supply for one co payment -but that means having to give me a second box of insulin injector pens and I have been fighting with the druggest and my RX company about it. It floors me that as being part of the lower middle class you just can’t catch a break when it comes to medcine. I make too much for assistance but it is a struggle to pay for medication. These 2 rx alone will cost me $1000 this year.
My poor belly is all brused from taking these stupid shots. I want to skip the meds, smoke and drink and gamble!
OK, thats vented now. As soon as I can make myself look like I haven’t been crying for 2 hours I will go pay the ransom and get the medication I need to keep me alive a bit longer. I hate feeling like this. I am an emotional wreck. Hormones don’t help either.
Did I mention I love my car?
bettie

[vera]

Bettie!
It’s horrible having to admit to having a long term illness!
Like, gambling, ACCEPTANCE is the first step.
Then SURRENDER!
After that it’s all about taking it one day at a time.
Living life is all about odaat, I guess!
Paying for "drugs" we really don’t want to put into our system is a bummer, but what’s the alternative?
We might be better off if we could learn to "receive our demons" instead of fighting them.
Escaping to the casino with a packet of cigs and a bottle of brandy seems like the best solution today, but what about tomorrow?
In Ireland ,Treatment for diabetes comes under the LTI scheme. Everything is free.
Other long term illness like Hyrertension, High Cholesterol etc are not covered, so like you I pay an arm and a leg for medication I DON’T want to take…however if we buy our meds bi monthly, it is all covered under the calender month payment scheme. Ask your chemist again. Keep pestering whoever is involved because it sounds as if it’s beyond your means.
Will you be able to claim back on your tax at the end of the year B? Keep all your receipts and have a try.
"Accepting the things we cannot change" sounds very easy until we realise that there ARE actually some things that will never change.
Yet, I have discovered that everything changes so hopefully Bettie, when you begin to adjust to the increased meds you might have a surprise in store.
In the meantime, safe driving in your Chevrolet Cruz!
 

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I see you haven’t posted in 3 days now. Hope everything is OK with you. I’m struggling these days emotionally and when that happens, I tend to isolate myself, not having the energy or will to be around people.  I will be having my 2 granddaughters over tomorrow for a sleepover. That diabetes is an awful disease because a person can’t visibly see much of the damage it creates in their body. It’s the same story here about some people not being able to access the insulin and testing supplies because they simply can’t afford it. In the long run it probably costs the health care system more treating diabetics for all kinds of problems, than if they had provided the insulin and supplies free to them. Carole 

[i am hope]

Hello Bettie
I hope things are ok for you and your meds settle down soon enough. I hope to see you again soon
Living with Hope

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Sorry I’ve not been posting. I have been getting lazy.
I am on the hormone rollercoaster. I do think some of it is the meds. I meet with the diabetic educater on Monday so I am hoping for info and possible assistance. I went to my GA meeting today and was told there may be some assistance for me somewhere so I need to start looking. Proactive is not one of my better trates so something I have to work on.
Nieces birthday tomorrow and I will skip the cake.
I am not doing some strict diet however I am still gaining 1-2 pounds a week even though I am being careful about everything I put in my mouth. One side affect of my new insulin is weight gain. Nice. I do have a plan B. If the educator can’t help me get it together then I will rethink gastric bypass. I was approved to have it done 5 years ago but decited to do it the old fashion way-diet and workouts. If that won’t work now I will do what ever it takes. I am not going down without a fight!
Carole the conference is just a month away! Chin up!
Good to see u Hope!
Vera, I was driving and a rock hit the car! First chip in the paint and the car doesn’t even have 500 miles yet! Oh well, it’s less than perfect now, just like me!
peace
bettie

[finding_laura]

Morning Bettie,
I’ve been up early and on the PC for too long now, but am waiting to see if you land 🙂 Will do some stretches while i wait. Sun is up and shining and gorgeous. A walk is next up on the agenda. Fight your diabetes with food as much as you can. Learn about foods that can help keep your blood sugars level. I’ll send you a couple links this weekend. I just have to find them! You are right, not going down without a fight! Bettie you are a strong person, you can find a way. Poor baby (the new car)! Is it small enough to do a little touch up with matching paint from your local auto shop? Wish I could join you all for the conference. Will see where the next one is 🙂 Talk soon i hope B, its been wayyyy to long.
xo Laura

[amyyy]

Sorry to hear about your health stuggles Bettie. Nothing worse than feeling like it is an uphill battle with your own body. Medication that puts weight on is really defeating. I had to use some medication for a short period of time and found that it put weight on me regardless of what i was eating and i hated it. But there may be other alternative medications or ways of dealing with it- wish you well with your health and hope u find some balance with it.

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, Hang in there!!  I can relate to the prescription drugs.  With insurance, I pay $250 per month out of pocket.  I hate taking pills, but have faced the fact that I will be taking 6 pills daily for life.  One of my pills causes weight gain, I workout 3-5 times a week at Curves to just maintain my weight.  It does get discouraging at times.  But things could be worse, right?  Just hang in there, it will get better!!!  I know you will get through this!!!!  Hugs))))))) Take care!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[غير معروف]

Bettie, two of my friends have had gastric bypass surgery and it has changed their lives!  I know with one of them, the first couple of months was rough..she questioned why she ever did it but once she got over the rough patch, couldn’t be happier!  Let me know if you’d like to talk to her about the pros and cons.If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[desdemona]

Hi Bettie! The conference will be here before we know it. I received a receipt in the mail for the actual conference. I’m looking forward to it, minus the hassle of flying. That must be difficult being on a hormone rollercoaster. You are dealing with so many health issues; it has to become overwhelming at times. Gastric surgery is a huge decision. I have one friend who had it and years later, weighs much more than she did before she had the surgery. She didn’t deal with her issues that caused her to overeat. I have another friend who wanted the surgery but was refused due to her existing health problems. Her daughter had it and lost a lot of weight. There are times that having the surgery and losing significant weight, is less risky than not having it. Only you and your physician can decide what is right for you.   

[finding_laura]

Hey B,
hope the driving excursion went well and that the new baby purred like a kitten.  I’m not sure where the weekend went…  But i didn’t spend it gambling!  Have a great week.  Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
The drive was lovely and the weather couldn’t have  been lovelier. Funny how driving 8 hours in a car can make you exausted.
I am getting ready for my class this morning. I have gained 4 pounds since I started taking the new insulin. I am eating better and much less than I have in months. We will see what she has to say.
Glad I am not working today. I am pooped!
I got a "spam" email from an elderly lady friend of mine. I know it’s a fraud because it says she needs 2000 euros and is in Spain. It also says her cousin need an emergency hysterectomy, then go’s on to say how HE will live a normal life after the surgery!
Have a great one!
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! According to our itinerary, we land at 5:30 pm on the 12th. Can your recommend a hotel Reds and I can stay at close to where you live for the 12th. I was thinking that it would be nice if you could show us the city on the evening of the 12th and we could grab a bite of supper anywhere. Could you pick us up from the airport as well? How far is the conference from where you live? Carole 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Carole I’ll send you an email. I had a couple thoughts-deep dish pizza should be on the list!
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!  Thanks for the post as it is always good to hear from you.  I am soo sorry that you are dealing with health problems.  I know how much that sucks.  Hang in there!! Seize all the good things in life

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I’m in on the deep dish pizza! Hubby arrived home yesterday evening and we spent most of today visiting his Dad and babysitting the grandkids while hubby’s daughter went for a medical appointment. Ran a few errands and am going to attend the GA meeting in town tonight. I have the key so have no choice but to go. I’ll probably be glad I went. Tomorrow hubby has more errands to run and I have to say I dislike shopping with him. I’d stay home but I need to do a bit of grocery shopping. He drives back to the city on Monday afternoon to fly back to work, and then he comes home long enough to pick up his golf clubs and a friend, and away he goes for his trip to Arizona. I will see him for a few hours and not see him for a month, because of his schedule, and both of our trips. But I am looking forward to my trip to see you, and Sharon and Larry. Carole

[reds]

Hi Bettie –
Yes, deep dish pizza sounds like a plan.  I went and picked up my passport yesterday, I’m good to go.  Can’t wait to meet you, and Larry, and Carole.  .Just for today, I will not gamble away my time, freedom or peace of mind.

[cully21]

Hi Bettie:
Long time no see, or read, or post, or make you laugh.
Where are  you going that you need a passport.
Have fun wherever it is.
Cully"I used to follow. Yeah thats true. But my following days are over. Now I just got to follow through." Lou Graham from the song "Midnight Blue"

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
CULLY?? OMG! Thought you were still on your honeymoon!
I wish I needed a passport! Carole and Reds and Larry are coming to Chicago for the GA conference in April.
I am looking foward to meeting everyone too.
Late for me and off to bed!
bettie

[kathryn]

B,
OMG….CULLY!!!  I had to do a double take on the date to make sure i was on the most current page…..if your reading cully, give us an update!!!!!!
Wow B,  i cant believe you are meeting the gang, how awesome, i wish i could come, drats for being born so far away!!!!!!
Its something to really look forward to, and by the way, how is the car????  I went and bought myself one too, although i dont think it was quite as fancy as yours, or as big!!!  im a small car girl but its brand new and gorgeous and i love it!!  I have named it Farbs (as its a Fabia, not a Fabioooooooo!!!!!)
HOpe to catch you soon,
Love ya girl,
K xxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[finding_laura]

well dang Bettie I missed you again.  Not in a posting mood at the moment.  Cully, good to see your name.  Wish i could come too but have plans for that weekend that i couldn’t break.  Next one! 
Laura

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! My husband "confronted" me with a piece of paper that had dates and prices for Vegas in my handwriting, and thought I was pulling a fast one on him. He thought that the conference was a sham and that I was really planning to go to Vegas. I had to explain to him it was from when my friend Diana and I had considered going to Vegas to my father-in-law’s timeshare and just hanging around the pool to get some sun. I realized that I couldn’t go to Vegas and not gamble so I told Diana that I couldn’t possibly go as I was having urges just thinking about it. I would have spent the whole time gambling, so only a fool would have gone. He thinks the name Indian Resort Hotel sounds like they have a casino, and I would have to agree, as most places with names like that, do have a casino. He has every reason not to trust me when it comes to being a cg. Chicago is just beyond the horizon and we’re going to have fun. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Carole I read your thread. Sounds like hubby is going through something and is covering it up by dwelling on you. Hmmm………Also, it’s not a river boat-lol! Here a "river boat" is a casino-This boat will be sailing on a lake-hehe!
Kathryn Congrats on your car! I love my car, did I mention that? lol! I love that you named it too.
I am exausted. My brother took me to dinner for my B day last night. Corned beef and cabbage, of course, since it was St Pat’s day. Jen had the family over today and I got a lot of nice gifts. It’s my last b day that starts with a 4. My oldest brother was teasing me about being 50 next year and I had to remind him that that only meant that he was beating 60 with a stick-as he is 9 years older than me. I will go to dinner one more time on my real birthday-the 20th. Busy week.
Laura so glad we had a little catch up today!
Reds you have to decide what you want on the pizza. Don’t know if you two are meat eaters but the suggest may be  Italian sausage, onion, green pepper, mushrooms. Keep dreaming it up. It has a ton of cheese, sauce, add ins, then another layer of sauce and cheese. About 1 million calories so wear some loose pants! lol! Another suggestion are italian beef sandwiches. Yummy!!
Ok i think i just clogged an artery with the thought of that food!
I pray for a good nights sleep. I feel like I haven’t slept in weeks.
peace
bettie

[finding_laura]

Hi B,
I hope you slept like a baby.  Monday always comes to early for me. But I’m off for this one.  And holy hannah! you are turning the big 200 it looks like to me.  Who will be the first poster to turn you 200.  You don’t look a day over 3? Take all the good where you can get it B, soak it up, you deserve it.  Happy birthday to a lady who is one in a million 🙂
luv Laura

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
… my real birthday-the 20th …

Good morning Bettie, today is the 20th! 
             
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[desdemona]

Happy, Happy Birthday to my friend of the heart!! Hope you have as special of a day as you are! Carole

[reds]

Happy Birthday Bettie.
Have a great day .

[cat438]

Hope you have a great Birthday Bettie
 
 
 
 One day at a time my sweet lord…

[bettie]

Thanks Everyone!
Got off work early-waiting for Jen to take me to dinner. I had a friend take me to lunch so it’s all good!
Hey Reds-you made my page 200! Love the cake!
bettie

[vera]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BETTIE!
LIFE BEGINS AT……………??

[lizbeth4]

Happy Birthday Bettie!!  Hope you had a great day, you deserve it!!!Seize all the good things in life

[velvet]

Hi Bettie
Just reading your thread has made me hungry.   No mushroom in my pizza please but loads fo cheese
Velvet

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just thought I would touch base.
I have had a wonderful birthday week-I am being taken out tomorrow by one of the GA members. She has also invited me to her Church so if a giant earthquake hits Chicago it’s just God in shock!
This lady is so devoted to her recovery. She truely works it everyday. She has 10 years clean and is a mentor/sponser to many. She lives recovery. I wish I had her motovatation.
Speaking of motovatation I sure could use an injection of it. If they sell it somewhere let me know and I will save up to buy it. I feel like I am day one on all fronts, maybe because I am. I am in denial right now so I will just go with it.
Sherrie if you are still reading I was moved by your post. It is awful to feel so bad. I know because I sometime feel like I am a wasted life. I don’t know why we were cast our lot in life however it’s up to us to make the best of it. I need to take my own advice.
Take good care of yourselves.
peace
bettie

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie
Late happy birthday from me to you across the seas.  I was not sure what you meant by you are on day one?  I dont think you meant you gambled, i probably read it that way as i have.  Ive been stuck in the insanity once again wondering if it is ever going to end.  This is my day one Bettie, and it is people like you who give me inspiration, you are always really kind, i see it in your posts.  You are a good person.  Just wanted you to know.
 Living with Hope

[bettie]

No Hope, you are on the mark.
I am putting into print what I am too ashamed to admit out loud. I am in denial. I accepted scratch off’s and of course didn’t "win". But we all know as a CG there is never a "win". I have been to the casino too. I had not planned to post about it but, if I am ever to find the motovatation to rediscover recovery I need to be honest with myself. Gambling is not an option IF I want a normal happy life. I can continue to try to decieve myself, in fact I am very good at that. I know the end result will be a disaster.
I know my triggers, I tried to work through the steps but didn’t try hard enough. I am falling back into old bad habits and old bad patterns of thinking. I once felt like I would not make it to my 50th birthday. With the health issues, relationship issues, and just plain feeling sorry for myself I am afraid I now feel that way again. If I don’t start making some positive changes (again) I am doomed. Sometimes I feel like it’s too late for me. And the really sad part? I am starting to feel OK about it.
Regret, shame, guilt, worthlessness. I am sick of all those feelings. I surender!
Maybe I’m finding step one all over again. I can not go on like this and expect to survive.
Life is to be lived, not just endured!
"God, Grant me the serenty……."
bettie

[غير معروف]

Bettie you really suited life in recovery. This dosn’t suit you. I hope that you do find the serenity, courage, and wisdom again very soon.
Take care.
Geordie.Recovery is priceless.

[female g]

Hey Bettie I did just the same as you and wasn’t going to post about it either but we both did, so good on us. WE at least still have integrity and honesty despite ourselves.  So I’ll kick you in the as…  and you can kick me in the as.. too. Lets get it together and do what needs to be done. We are better than what we were and have more knowlege., So lets put our knowledge into action and steel ourselves up to win the battle once again. G

[i am hope]

Bettie i am so sorry you gambled again, today is my day One, maybe we can start over together?  I found my rock bottom i think
 Living with Hope

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for posting to my thread.
Hope I am sorry so you don’t need to be. I am responsible for my own actions and I wish I could control how I feel. That in its self may be the real problem. I have to stop trying to escape my feelings and confront myself head on. I have no control over people places and things. I can not make people love me and respect me when I don’t love and respect myself. Somewhere along the road I have forgotten that.
Surrender. I guess I will keep working my step 1 here. It sure did feel better when I did. I am tired of longing for what I once had. As ugly as I felt in the past doesn’t even come close to the ugly I feel now.
Well I need to get ready for Church. Maybe God can talk some sense into me.
I love u guys!!
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie… I am falling back into old bad habits and old bad patterns of thinking …
"God, Grant me the serenty……."

Dear Bettie,
Just as we can fall back into old habits we can also climb back up to the new ones that we are establishing. Alone the lines with your reference to "patterns of thinking", it is our thinking that will carry us to this higher place; we can change our ways of thinking, and or ways of acting upon the resulting more positive thoughts, so that our spiritual makeup will overcome the addictive part of our being.
With all the post and replies that you make here, I am thinking that you have read Harry’s welcoming to the new members also. But have you also planted his closing remarks in your mind to help you progress in your recovery. I might as well reinforce the fact now for you at what many refer to as another Day One after someone returns to gambling; recovery is a program based of progress not perfection; I personally see it merely as a "clean date", not Day 1 of our journey.  Harry’s use of the quote in his signature closing is a reminder to all of us how strong and influential our thought just are: "Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny".
You are already using parts of your spiritual being and character in the things that you do for others, the spiritual and positive characteristics that are manifested in your sharing your life with others, e.g. the kindness, generosity, honesty, and humility, but these high qualities also need to be allowed to guide you in your owe life; start "living" who you are, not just using it for the benefit of others, or for merely enduring the struggles of life’s everyday adventures.  You have already surrendered to the powers of your addiction, now let yourself surrender to who you are. You have the Serenity to except what you cannot change, now use the Courage and Wisdom that we also prey for in our recovery and work toward in the GA Step 11. There is no reason to feel sorry for yourself and stay on the pity potty, "poor me, poor me" does not cut it, and does not proclaim the person that you are, nor is any reasons for your negative thinking represent what others see in you.
Keep working on your recovery, keep working the Steps, not working through them, but working and practicing them everyday, — "Follow the Steps in your daily affairs";  they are a guideline and a process to follow, not something to read through and check off after we make a list of how they might relate to us at a certain time.
If the typical candlelight ceremony in used at the closing of the upcoming Chicago Conference where each one steps forward and forms a circle begining with the one with the oldest clean date and ending with the one with the newest one, you will still be part of the circle. And when the candles are lit one at a time starting with the first person, yours will be part of the light that shines out to all. And when they are blown out in unison, it shows that no mater how much time it took for us to reach a certain point or to light our candle, we are all living gambling free One Day At A Time and are all just one bet away from being the last person in line; not one to look down on, but the person that completes the circle where there is no begining or ending..
God’s speed. Stay strong. See you in Chicagoland.
p.s. The thoughts expressed in the message sent out by Ken L also represents the need for positive thoughts and actions and provides us with the encouragement to move forward:
 
Today’s thought from Hazelden is:

Fantasies are more than substitutes for unpleasant reality; they are also dress rehearsals, plans. All acts performed in the world begin in the imagination.
–Barbara Grizzuti Harrison

Our minds mold who we become. Our thoughts not only contribute to our achievements, they determine the posture of our lives. How very powerful they are. Fortunately, we have the power to think the thoughts we choose, which means our lives will unfold much as we expect.

The seeds we plant in our minds indicate the directions we’ll explore in our development. And we won’t explore areas we’ve never given attention to in our reflective moments. We must dare to dream extravagant, improbable dreams if we intend to find a new direction, and the steps necessary to it.

We will not achieve, we will not master that which goes unplanned in our dream world. We imagine first, and then we conceive the execution of a plan. Our minds prepare us for success. They can also prepare us for failure if we let our thoughts become negative.

I can succeed with my fondest hopes. But I must believe in my potential for success. I will ponder the positive today.
 
Larry

Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.
You are reading from the book:
Each Day a New Beginning by Karen Casey– 3/25/2012 2:56:59 PM: post edited by paul315.

[sherry123]

Happy Birthday Bettie,  I’d love a big slice of that chocolate cake that Reds sent you!  It looks delicious.  Hope the conference is motivating and gives you what you need to get back on track.  You had a long gamble free stint and you can do it again.  It’s your choice to stop the madness before it gets out of control.  If anyone can do it, it’s you!

[desdemona]

My Dear Bettie! I’m soooo sorry that you choose to gamble. I’m reading between the lines and wondering if the FWB situation had anything to do with making you feel so bad. The not caring about whether we die or not is something I experienced a lot when I was actively gambling. Dying didn’t seem so bad compared to the emotional hell I was in while being an active gambler. Things started to turn around for me when I realized I was the problem, but that I was also the solution. You do have a vast array of health problems Bettie. Nobody can deny that. But gambling isn’t going to solve a single one of them. You deserve recovery Bettie! Carole

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!!  Hang in there!  You deserve recovery!!  I finally realized recently that I can’t change anyone but me!!!!  I am worthy of love and respect and soo are you Bettie!!  You have soo much to offer.  I am jealous that I won’t be there for the upcoming conference so I could meet you.  You are instrumental in my recovery, and you mean alot to me and others here.  Take care of yourself Bettie and stay strong!!Seize all the good things in life

[vera]

Bettie! Bettie! Bettie!
what happened ya?
Sounds as if there is a lot going on beneath the gambling.
E mail me if you feel up to it….if God can’t talk sense into you, I ‘ll try!

[bettie]

Hi All,
You guys really are thoughtful, compassionate and kind, some of the highest qualities of mankind.
I did have a nice day today. The church service had it’s moment. I didn’t care too much for the preacher condeming the Jewish faith. I was raised to believe that part of being a Christian was not condemming other faiths. Just my thoughts. The people were all very nice and I was told by one of the co-preachers that he was praying for me. I like that, and I thanked him for it. I was a bit suprised that the lady who invited me also invited someone else to lunch with us at the last minute. I had planned to open up to her about what has been going on but I didn’t want the other person there so that took care of that. We had a nice lunch and spent a couple hours in her hot tub and sitting talking in the yard. Odd to be in swim suits in Chicago in March, but that was nice too.
I am trying to figure what to do and where to start my recovery journey again. I guess I never really stopped my recovery, I just stopped working at it. After the Jan 1st slip I didn’t think I needed to go back to step one but I guess I do. I can’t believe the thoughts the addictive voice in my head tells me. I’m at that " just one last gamble" faze. How stupid is that? I choose to ignore that thought. There will never be a time that I can safely gamble.
Some truths have stuck in my mind. I am grateful for that.
bettie– 3/26/2012 3:12:55 AM: post edited by bettie.

[velvet]

Hi Bettie
I think you are right – you just stopped working hard enough at your recovery but you are still in that recovery and there is no need to start again.   Up-grade the defences especially on complacency, remind yourself of all that you need to do and put this behind you.
You will never be able to gamble responsibly but then nor are most, if not all, of your friends on this forum, so you are walking with countless wonderful people who share this addiction with you. 
Velvet 

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I have been thinking about you, and hoping you aren’t being too hard on yourself. Carole

[i am hope]

Hey Bettie
Thinking of you today, i hope that you are ok and you post really soon.  It would not be the same without you around here Bettie.  Please hang on
 Living with Hope

[bettie]

Originally posted by female g

Hey Bettie I did just the same as you and wasn’t going to post about it either but we both did, so good on us. WE at least still have integrity and honesty despite ourselves.  So I’ll kick you in the as…  and you can kick me in the as.. too. Lets get it together and do what needs to be done. We are better than what we were and have more knowlege., So lets put our knowledge into action and steel ourselves up to win the battle once again. G

         Let the butt kicking begin! lol!
         No worries Hope, You can’t get rid of me that easily.
         I am so sore! I have been having pain in my arms, shoulders and I have numbness in my hands. Sometimes they just fall asleep-pins and needles-and I have to shake them to get the blood flowing. I have some mild swelling in my ankles and hands too. I called my Dr’s office today. They must not be too concerned as they didn’t even call me back! These symptoms started when I started the new insulin. Right now my elbows hurt. Chiro thinks I am having a reaction to it. All I know is my body feels torn up, like someone smacked me around a bit. I will call my dr again tomorrow.
I have started re reading my thread, looking at how things were two years ago. I so wish I was there again-but with the knowledge that I have now. I wish i was still working out. I wish i was 45 pounds smaller like i was then. I could just keep wishing all day but nothing changes if nothing changes. I think part of my last gambling "slip" is my brain wanting a last hurrah. I know that was part of the new purchases. The TV, the funiture, the car. I am scared because I can usually figure things out and right now I feel confused. I can’t make myself feel better and I just don’t know why.
Well time to haunt Web MD and try to get my own answers. If I didn’t already know that the high blood sugar would kill me I would just stop taking the insulin all together.
No gambling thoughts today. I am greatful.
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!!  Sorry you are not feeling well.  Call the Doctor’s office again.  That really makes me mad when it concerns your health and you can’t even get your own doctor to respond.  Ridiculous!!!  If your not feeling well physically it’s hard to be able to think rationally eg. the gambling.  Hang in there!!!!  Take care!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Thanks Lizbeth,
I didn’t have to call Dr back-as he rang me personally at 8:45 am. He believes I am having a drug interraction with another medicine I take. I have been instructed to stop taking that pill ( I just paid $112 for a refill! ) and call him in a week and let him know if it’s better. I looked up the insulin on Web MD and under warnnings " If you are having muscle pain contact your Dr immediately " . Nice. Had my insurance company not forced me to change pharmacys my regular druggest may have caught that!
Well at least I have a vaild excuse to sit here like a slug! Just took two pain pills and hope they kick in soon!
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie,  I am soo glad your Dr. got back to you.  Get some rest and take care of yourself!!Seize all the good things in life

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie,  I am thinking of you!  Hope you are feeling better!Seize all the good things in life

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I hope you’re doing OK. I am sooooooo looking forward to us all getting together, and the deep dish pizza, and the lunch boat cruise, and even the conference. lol! My husband works for an Italian oil company, and they always say " Don’t worry about it!" And of course they always say it in thick Italian, which I love. Carole  

[finding_laura]

Hi Bettie,
I’ve been struggling with energy and pain levels this week. Work gets the best of me and everything else gets the rest of me. Which sometimes isn’t too much! I’m concerned about you Bettie. I hope you are feeling a bit better now with the medication changes. You are dealing with a lot B, bit of a balancing act to say the least. But you can do it. Just keep making the next right choice. I’ll look for you in the morning if I’m back up in time! Have a good day if i miss you. Luv Laura

[vera]

Hope youre feeling a bit better B, and that you returned those pills to the pharmacy and got a refund. They should point out side effects and contraindications to customers. Go and get your money back today!
I was buying "Sinutabs" for hubby in the chemists and the girl mentioned "is he on anti -hypertensives" I said no. Otherwise she would have advised me not to buy them . So go and let them know they made a blunder. Your customers wouldn’t be long  pulling you up. If we make the slightest drug error at work there are heads rolling!
Have a good weekend B! I’m back to work on Monday. The 3 weeks flew!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
They play a bit of a game here in the US. Any long term medicaton has to be bought through a mail order pharmacy. When u take a new med you can get two months locally. The insulin is from a local pharmacy-who should have known what I have been taking however, my medical plan just made us change local pharmacys. Long story short the med i stopped is from the mail order. They will not take it back-I could have tampered with it. American medical is broken, with no end in sight.
I am feeling a bit better-still sore but nothing like before.
I need a nap!
Take care,
bettie

[finding_laura]

Hi Bettie,
so sorry i missed you yesterday. Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. Hope this morning you are feeling even better. I’ve been up early, now its time for breakfast and a walk maybe. Take care of yourself B. Will try and call later. xo Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Up early today-because I only wake up early and can’t fall back to sleep on my off days!
D*mn arms are uncomfortable today. I’ve had about 6 hours sleep and I guess that will be it.I must go buy a new recliner because that would help alot. It’s the only way I can sleep on my back.
Cats freaking out with a thunderstorm this morning. My scaredy cats! Oh well they are cute.
Went out with my GF last night. I really wanted to gamble-but my rational brain won out. I have payments set up to eat the cash out of my account so again, no money=no gamble. Barriers are essential at this point. I am not to be trusted alone.
I caught a look at myself in the mirror in the bathroom at the movie theater yesterday. I can’t believe how big I am again! I was refered to as a "fatty" this past week, which brings up horrable childhood memories, and now I can see why. I just can’t believe I am here again. So depressing. Someone at GA had talked about being "thin skinned". She mentioned how if you were refered to as a grape you would laugh it off, but if you were called a *itch you might be offended, if in fact, you felt like people could percieve you as a *itch. I am fat-there is no amount of self deception that can hide fact. I can keep moaning about it or I can do something about it. It’s so much easier to just moan about it. I remember wishing, when I was a bullied little girl, I wished I could hurry up and grow up because people didn’t call adults mean names. Funny how that never worked out.
In typical CG fashion I want to be fixed – yesterday! Patience is not a strong point.
I said I would cook for Easter so I need to call my sister and see what the plan is. I have a lot to do today. I need to get on with it.
bettie
 

[vera]

"fat" "obese" "overweight" are just words, Bettie. How we react to those words is up to us. Whoever uses those words to hurt people, has an even greater problem than the person they say them to!
Like gambling recovery, there are ways to overcome a weight problem. It involves hard work, the right tools and a lot of patience.
Back to odaat B!
That’s my next project!

[maverick.]

Hi Bettie, at the end of the day it is whats inside the person that counts, now I know that and you know that but I am afraid there are some sad individuals out there who either haven’t got a clue or just quick to pick holes and judge others, for me I know you came up with a classic comment of “I wished I could hurry up and grow up because people didn’t call adults mean names” well perhaps these name callers are still living there lives as children and that is there issue if they cannot move on. In life we will meet all kinds of people some will be nice and some not so but all we can ever do is work on our own lives and do what we can to make ourselves happy, I wish you well and take care love Maverick.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… I really wanted to gamble-but …
…  I need to get on with it.
 

Good morning Bettie,
I really wanted to gamble last week too. Or to "play" the lottery as my addictive mind was trying to convince me that I would be doing, because the lotto was not an addictive action in the past, and after all "buying" a chance of a guaranteed payoff of a fortune for someone was not a gamble, it was an investment. Talk about thinking irrational and being brainwashed — even a news commentator told the TV audience that it would be foolish not to buy a ticket. But thankfully like you my rational brain, and my renewed self overcame the temptation and urge. I am still gambling free, and free of "game" playing, not just the game of the lottery, but the game of going back and forth with gambling and not gambling; at least at the moment and for today — it is a freedom that is acquired ODAAT.
My rational thinking and my essential mental barriers helped me make a right choice, my sharing my secret with others helped bring the truth to light and showed me the whole picture, not just the dream of another addictive action. It was not just "no money = no gambling" that stopped me; I had money thanks to my not gambling, it was "no-giving-in equals no gambling" that stopped me. It was practicing my program of recovery and what I have learned and accepted that brought be past another crossroads.
The rest of your post is interesting also; what an oxymoron to be called "fatty" and "thin skinned" both. lol.   But nevertheless, being fat (and I know, for I am) does percent a health problem, an increase in the cost of living, and even calls for a more expensive recliner, and can even influence our social lives; but it does not call for being made fun of, and more importantly and something that we can control, it does not have to be a reason for us to succumb to and be greatly affected by the immature acts and comments of others. We can still live and not have to hide, or have a need to apologise for or justify our being. We are still a person within our flesh, and a person that is part of a world consisting of fatties, skeletons, and every other descriptive forms of human life that people come up with and let feed their hate and immaturity.
Sure it would be good and beneficial to live at a lesson weight; for the right reasons. But to try and satisfy the narrow minded perceptions of others, should not be the guiding force — we will never meet the unreasonable and prejudiced aesthetic expectations of many in the world. Just do the best you can to take care of your health, your being, and the you that shines trough your "thin skin"; and let those that live outside the real world of all mankind wallow in the s**t that excretes form every thought and breath coming from their fat heads.
You are Bettie, your weight is not a problem that can destroy who you are in the same way that our addiction to compulsive gambling can destroy us, work at putting the childhood memories and taunts behind you, and the "adult" slurs in their place, and perhaps a reason to cause yourself even more harm through compulsive gambling will be put to rest also. You need to get on with it — get on with what you are doing now by not gambling, and then you will be able to live a gambling free life even when you have money, or when the fat heads of the world get to you more than they should. They are not going to change, but you can.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Be you. 
Larry

Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.– 4/1/2012 4:00:17 PM: post edited by paul315.

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! It’s strange how when we are children, words spoken by other children or adults stick with us for life, and pierce our heart many decades later. I remember a boy in elementary school calling me "horse" and "dudley do right." I carried those hurtful words for many years, long into adulthood. Looking back, I think the boy may have liked me, as it was about the time boys and girls start liking each other. Lol! I remember being a young child and standing in the kitchen with my mother and telling her a story someone told me at school. Her reaction and I will never forget it was, "and you were stupid enough to believe that!" I was totally crushed! My weight doesn’t define me, nor should it define anyone. That would discount all the good things we are. Do what you can in whatever areas of your life you can, and "forget about it!" Spoken in a thick Italian accent. Carole

[sherry123]

Dear Bettie, the person referring to you as ‘fat’ is an insinsitive jerk.  I used to work with a lady who always made comments about someone’s appearance.  A lady customer came in who was about 6 feet tall and my co-worker (in her late 50’s…well old enough to know better) said ‘wow, you sure are tall.’ The women looked embarassed and didn’t say a word so I told my co-worker, in private, to please don’t comment on people’s appearances. My co-worker is a very self-centered person and I was so glad when she moved away.  I think when we die, we will feel everything we dished out in our lives.  Those people who comment about your weight will feel every upset you have felt and all the good things you’ve done for others…you will feel that too.  I totally understand the feelings that go with being overweight and a comment from someone about it is crushing.  Good for you for not gambling!

[cat438]

Hi Bettie, I can so relate to the "fat comments" and they do stay with you.  Quite often it started with you have such a pretty face… if only you would lose some weight.  I have struggled with being overweight all my life.  The strangest thing is when I was gambling I lost weight LOL and I have put on 16 lbs since I started recovery whcih is 10 months ago.  It cost me a lot of money to lose that 16 lb LOL. 
I will repeat what Vera said in her post above and I will try and get my but in gear and do something about it… She said "Like gambling recovery, there are ways to overcome a weight problem. It involves hard work, the right tools and a lot of patience".  It’s the hard work and patience that gets me every time. 
I hope you feel better soon.One day at a time my sweet lord…

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thank you for all your well spoken and thoughtful replies. It is funny how a mean spirited comment can make some old forgotten memories pop to the surface and hurt u all over again. I also know the CG mind is a trouble maker. Feeling bad about yourself helps to create the perfect storm, and provides you with the perfect excuse to return to gambling." No one likes me, I am worthless, I deserve a day out" and the list goes on and on. I know when I am feeling this way I tend to isolate myself. I hate to run into people who knew me when I was thinner, then hear "oh, I see you are picking your weight back up". And YES that very comment was made to me, by someone who DOES like me. But again, never mind that it might have been made as a concern for me, I automaticly take is as a slight.
I stopped procrastnating and ordered 2 new recliners today. They will take 6-8 weeks-which I think is outragious-but the price was fair and they are good quality. Funny how that tight wad CG thinking comes out when we spend money. The cost of the recliners is equal to two visits to the casino. I could have easily gambled that away over the weekend, so at least I will have come comfort for my money instead of heart break and worry. NOT having a gambling hangover is a wonderful thing.
Larry I really think you should be writing self help books. Your insite is spot on.
Jen ran into someone who owns a store that she frequents. The man asked her if she had her baby already, as she looked thinner. She told him about loosing it and the poor guy fell all over himself telling her how sorry he was for her. My poor baby.
Talked to my sister today. She is starting the same insulin that I am on. After listening to what has been going on in her life I have decited that mine is not so bad after all, and I should be ashamed for complaining.
Speaking of complaining I want to take a sickie tomorrow. I did something to my foot yesterday  and have been limping and having sharp pain today. I hate to call off but I will make that call in the morning.
bettie

[finding_laura]

rest for the day Bettie.  You’ve been through a lot!  Glad those recliners are ordered!  And seems you are feeling a bit better about yourself.  Don’t let others drag you down.  No one is in your shoes!  Take care B!  I’m off to work shortly.
luv Laura

[velvet]

 
Hi Bettie
Unfortunately not everybody can know about this wonderful site and the lesson it gives us all (well most anyway x) in how to not judge others.
As I child when I was hurt by comments my mother used to tell me that the child who had done it was jealous but it never seemed to help.
In later life though, what her message did for me was taught me to look at the person who was judging me or judging another.   When do you ever hear a person judging another with a smile on their face?  
I think that judgment-makers are concealing something that worries them – attack being the greatest form of defence.   Hurt someone else before they hurt you.
There will obviously be the well-meaning accidental pain inflicted such as your daughter in the store. I would imagine he was mortified and I am sorry your daughter was hurt.    
Cruel remarks have no place on this site thank goodness.
Bettie – your weight does not reflect the person that you are. It is the person that is ‘you’ that matters – nothing else.  
Don’t feel ‘ok’ about thinking it is too late for you.   How true Harry’s signature quote it to such a though "Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny".
Banish negativity from your mind.   Look at what you have achieved. You are a terrific supporter of others. You are loving and kind.   You are a wonderful mum.  
When others drag you down, instead of reeling back with the hurt, stop and look at them. Does the opinion of the person hurting you really matter? Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. Unasked for nastiness tells us a great deal more about the person doing the criticizing.  
I would welcome your friendship over anybody who judges others and I don’t care what colour, creed, shape, size they are. You are a beautiful person. Look after yourself.  
Velvet  

[kathryn]

Hiya B,
YOu know, i always know how my weight is by my mother…..she is a human fat detector.  If you are skinny, you are wasting away to a shadow and i havent been wasting for quite some time now!
She tends to pat me on the head a lot….ugh…LOL!
So, i suppose like the gambling, like the smoking, we need to work at it.  I, like you dont want to work at it, i just want it to be gone.  Ive been zumba’ing for weeks, it doesnt seem to be making much difference, disheartening to say the least.  I tend to see the best in things, in people and i suppose that can be a huge advantage sometimes as i refuse to be put down by this, i keep at it beause i do know that eventually it will work.
  At the end of the day, its your call girlfriend, and hey, never be ashamed of complaining, our complaints are our own, our pain is our own and we more than every right to put them down in our journal, as you well know i did that every day for a long long time.
No matter what you do, do it for you.  Forget everyone else.  This is YOUR life and you live it how you choose.  On a personal note i think you are an amazing woman, you have been a huge influence in my life, in my recovery and what i love about this site, is that looks are irrelevant, which just shows by the amount of posts you have, the love that people feel for you.  When you are feeling like rubbish, remember that!!!!!
Love ya, K xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[reds]

Dear Bettie –
I hope you are looking at how many people love and support you on this site.  I have been struggling with gaining weight the last 3 years, after a lifetime of being thin, must be my age.  Believe me when I tell you that thinner people endure comments about their weight all the time, and judgement too.  Being thinner than normal seems to give people permission to lable you as ill, frail, anorectic, and vain !!
I would never comment on anyone’s weight issues no matter what their size, and if you would never call anyone fat then don’t call yourself that either.  Please treat yourself with the same love and understanding you show to others. I can recall other hurtful comments from my childhood but with the perspective of age, realize that the problem lies with the commenter, not the commentee.  Think of the damage they are doing to their characters, and how people will remember them for years for their negativity. 
I worked once with a lifeguard who taught a group that included a special needs child.  When the rest of the class mocked that child’s efforts, she sat them out on the pool deck where they shivered while she pinned their ears back and told them how wrong they were.  The parents of those children demanded an apology and she refused to give it.    Special and rare are those who stand up for what is right, but she will always be one of my heroes.
Everyone is struggling with something Bettie, you are not alone.  Take good care of yoursef, you are a special lady and I can’t wait to meet you.  I feel very fortunate to have that opportunity, although a rotten spring cold has me feeling very ill right now.  Please send healing vibes my way ..
reds

[bettie]

Hi guys,
I wish I could give you all a big hug. This is like the GA thing- where the group loves you until u can love yourself!
I love you all too~
Laura sorry I missed your call but it was sweet of you to ring me. I did stay home-boss was none to happy but he will get over it. I dragged myself in all last week because my co worker was on vacation and believe me, he took full advantage-which left me even more exausted. I truely was sick today. I went back to bed after a sleepless night and slept till 12:45pm. I called my dr office for advice because my arms were compleatly numb and throbbing last night. They asked if I had shortness of breath ( only on exerction ) or any other symptoms. Nurse said Dr couldn’t get me in till Wednesday. I told her that Dr had taken me off 1 pill but that I was still on another-sinvistatin-that I know causes this type of reaction. Nurse said it wasn’t in the chart! How can that be? I’ve taken it for years. Nurse put me on hold and told Dr who said stop taking that too! You would have thought when he had me stop the 1st one he would have had me stop the 2nd! Man, I could be dead by now! Oh, and just to add insult to injury I’ve been having hot flashes too!
Reds I’ll send you some healing vibes only if you will send some back! lol!
Kathryn my mom is the hair police "Well, I see you chopped that childs hair off!!" Mind you she has me cut hers with a clipper in the back but any other woman who has short hair is wrong! ( except my cousin-for some reason she insists her husband dictates her hair length-going to far as going into the salon! )
Velvet you are a godsend! I know the F&F people are so much better of having your wise words to help them.
Well I hope to sleep good tonight. Nothing seems so awful after a good nights sleep! ( Gosh I must be getting old! )
bettie

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie, Hope you start feeling better soon.  That’s scary as we put our lives in someone else’s hands, Doctors.  I have no problem questioning my Doctor.  Going in next week for another stress test, not bad, just tme consuming, 3-4 hours.  Oh well, needs to be done.  You take care of yourself and get better as the conference is coming up soon.  Take careSeize all the good things in life

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie nice to see you in chat again today, you are all going to have a ball when you get together for that conference and deep dish pizza yum oh yum!!!
 Living with Hope

[finding_laura]

Morning B,
funny how doctors don’t seem to think arms are important until they need them! Long weekend coming! Do you have to work Saturday on the Easter weekend? I can’t wait, good chance to try and catch up with so many things i’m working on. Talk soon!
Laura xo

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, Thanks for the post.  Get well soon!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Off to bed soon. Had a nice chat on SH-no open chat here tonight.
Dr took me off another med and I am off for bloodwork first thing in the AM.
Time for bed.
bettie

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie hope you are having a good day today
 Living with Hope

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I’m can’t count down the hours as that would stress me out. Just have to plan each day till I drive to the city the night before Reds and I fly out. I hope Reds is recovering, and will be healthy for the trip. My dogs will be taken care of when I’m away so I will not have to worry about that. Mic is going to the kennels, Ruffuss is going to my daughter’s, and Nikita is staying home as she is 12 years old and has never spent a day away from home in the 10 years I have had her. My renter is going to look after her and he’s an animal lover so no worry there. The cat will have the run of the house. I will phone you this week and let you know the details of our flight, etc. Hope you’re not stressing too much about us getting together. I hope that you’re starting to feel better also. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hope you all had a nice Easter. I ate then fell asleep in my sisters recliner. I can’t wait for my new one, I really miss having one.
Funny cat story. My Tiger always begs for my dish when I am eating. He never eats table scraps but always wants a sniff then he pretends to "bury" my bowl by pawing at the carpet. Last week I made a steak and left a bite, thinking he might eat it. I put the bowl down, walked in another room them came right back to pick the bowl up. He must have thought my cooking was extreamly bad that day as I found not one but TWO socks stuffed into the bowl-swiming in meat juice! lol~ What a joker that one!
peace
bettie
 

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! The cat story made me laugh out loud. Dogs and cats are characters alright. Hope you feel better soon. Carole

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!!  Hope you are feeling better!!!  Have fun at the conference!!!  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie hope you are doing ok today and glad you are feeling a little better now
 Living with Hope

[velvet]

Hi Bettie
Enjoy the conference.  
Looking forward to hearing about it
Velvet

[cat438]

Hi Bettie, I hope that you are feeling better.  I am sure that you are all so excited about going to the conference and getting together.  It will be so interesting for all of you to actually get the chance to meet and have a good chat.  Take care and enjoy.One day at a time my sweet lord…

[bettie]

Hi guys,
Excited about tomorrow! I am feeling better in some ways but feel like I am getting a cold now too! Can you catch one through cyber space? lol!
Glad to be off work 5 days, I am ready for a break.
bettie

[bettie]

Ya eh there!
Oops! Hi guys~lol~
Just home from deep dish pizza with the gals-Carole and Reds. They are both just the sweetest people, even more so than I expected.
I took them on a mini tour of where I grew up, hope I didn’t bore them to death but they were both ready for sleep when we were done. Hmmmm……
Tomorrow should be good. A quick tour of down town and off to the conference.
I can’t wait!
bettie

[i am hope]

Hi Bettie, i was so excited to read you all caught up.  I can imagine reds and carole the way you described too.  I know they would be lovely as you are too.  I am sure they loved your tour.  Look forward to seeing you for a chat some time, cant wait to hear of the conference
 Living with Hope

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Nice to see everyone here at the conference today. Renewed some of my spirit and reminded me that "i can" is a state of mind~and something I need to embrace. I should be hosting one of these sessions and may have if I had continued to work my program as opposed to choosing to self destruct. Life is about choises and we do get to choose. If I choose self pity and anger why should I expect anything to be different than it is?
Thinking out loud today, and enjoying wonderful people whom I am proud to show off and call "friend".
bettie

[kathryn]

Hiya B,
Oh i would have loved to be there with you all, when you write it like that is just seems so simple B….
Enjoy your time together, these are memories you just cant buy!
Love K xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[velvet]

Hi Bettie
so glad it all went well.   Thought about you all loads
Velvet

[bettie]

Hello All!
Well to say the least!
What a privledge and pleasure to put name to faces, share heart ache and pain, tragedy to triumph. I shed a few tears and laughed until my side hurt. I needed this weekend!
I told Carole that this mini conference had been the glue that had kept me from totaly abandoning recovery after the events from the start of the year. I feel hopeful, and that feeling had eluded me for a long time.
We did a lot of walking this weekend and even though it’s left me tired and a bit sore it proved something to me. All is not lost. I can physicaly handle some excersize, even with the medical issues I am still having.
I’m on the verge of a comback-watch out!
Hi, my name is bettie, ldg March 29th, 2012 
 

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie,  I am soo glad the conference went well and that all of you meet.  I felt like I had known Carole forever when we meet last August.  It’s nice to put a face to cyber friends.  Take care and get some rest. Seize all the good things in life

[finding_laura]

Hi Bettie,
I’m so happy that you all had a great get together this weekend. Wish I could have been there too! Next one maybe! I’m watching that comeback! You can do it Bettie! xo take care

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
… this mini conference had been the glue that had kept me from totaly abandoning recovery …
 
Good morning Bettie,
I am sure your words to Carole told of each of our thoughts when meeting up this weekend; it was a privilage to put faces to the names and the personilityes that are shown in our internet meetings. Even with learning of parts of our lives here over the Internet, the other parts that can only be seen when looking into the eyes enhanced our virtual friendship and carried it froward. "BFF" is lost to those only using such terms to only voice a casual abbreviated cuteness; our meeting in person was a way of putting the actual words and real feeling into focus. The meeting of the four of us at the conference spelled out the importance of having Best Friends Forever to help us in our recovery. Recovery is an individual act that depends on us reaching out to others.
Now that the conference is over and that the thought of it being the glue that kept you from abandoning recovery has served that purpous, you can now use what you learned and experienced as the glue to keep you actively involved in saving yourself from unneeded additional abbreviation and problems that is brought on by trying to escape trials and adversities. The normal everyday events of life happen even when we are living gambling free, but in living gambling free, we are not adding unnatural burdens to our lives. 
Use the felling of being hopful, and the fact the you actually did some things that you had thought not possible, the fact that all is not lost, be reason to irenforce and strengthe you in your comback, courage for you to abandond the control of your addiction, for you not to  abandon the process that will allow you to be the person that you are meant to be.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware. Keep the you that I met alive and well.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! To anyone reading, Bettie is a beautiful woman inside and out, much more than she gives herself credit for. After meeting Bettie, I felt like I had known her for many years, and that we had been BBF. I got to hear her stories till the wee hours of the night because we shared a room. So late in fact that I couldn’t sleep after that, so I couldn’t get up in time for the opening ceremonies, closing ceremonies, or the breakfast buffet. We laughed so much and it was wonderful to feel so comfortable with someone. Somehow, Bettie, my handouts from Lillian’s seminar and from the relapse prevention workshop didn’t make it home with me. Could they possibly be in one of the green folders??  Bettie toured us around Chicago and the city is absolutely beautiful architecturally, and the Navy Pier was fun, especially seeing all the Tiffany stained glass. I miss you B. One of us is going to have to move. Carole

[female g]

so nice you were all able to meet. I wish I would have been able to meet you all too. I hope that this meeting will be what is needed for you to remain gamble free.G

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks again Larry and Carole! Miss u guys!
G if you ever get the chance to meet Carole do it! You would not regret it!
OK now I really need to leave for work!!
bettie

[reds]

Bettie – Yes, I’m back.  Sooo great to meet you at last. I so enjoyed our visiting, eating and touring around your beautiful city.  Thank you for all you did for us.  I had an amazing time.  You are such a beautiful person, so smart and so funny.   I hope you get your medical issues sorted out soon, take care and stay strong.
Just for today, I will not gamble away my time, freedom or peace of mind.
 Just for today, I will not gamble away my time, freedom or peace of mind.

[desdemona]

Bettie, stop talking me up. People are going to expect someone I’m not, and are going to be disappointed. Seriously! Carole

[trulyshi]

Bettie, I met you in chat the other day and you told me that if I could find the time that I should read your journal.  Well, I’ve done it, all 208 pages.  What a strong, beautiful person you are.  I found alot of very inspiring posts and am so glad I had a chance to chat with you and get to know you through your words.  You made a difference for me and thank you.  Debbie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Carole no one would be dissapointed!
Debbie I just re read my stuff from Jan 1st and I cried like a baby. I am glad to see you posting. It helps Deb, it really does.
Well here’s a change of pace for me. I had a lunch date today. This gentleman had asked me out last year but things didn’t work out then. He came in yesterday asking whet went wrong. I told him he came on too strong. "Sweetie, honey" etc-I don"t know him like that. So I accepted a lunch date and met him at a restruant. He was very nice, took my coat, asked me a lot of questions and backed off a bit. I can tell he has a school boy crush and I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I just don’t think he’s for me. Too nice? Maybe, I don’t know. He’s going to call later so I need to figure out what to say.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Take it slow and get to know him. I used to date a guy I met in my philosophy class at university. He was just the nicest guy and we’d say once we graduated we were going to be "silly servants" (civil servants). And be happy taking the bus to work like regular folk do. My sister once made a comment to me that he looked like he was from skid row. She was judging him by his appearance and his clothing, and not by who he was. I would have married the guy had he asked but unfortunately his ex-girlfriend was stalking him, so I chose to extricate myself from that situation. I became a federal civil servant. Don’t know what became of him. I always tell my granddaughter to marry for nice, not for looks, as nice lasts longer. Carole

[i am hope]

Hiya Bettie
I was so happy to hear all of you catching up at that conference, it was exciting for me just reading about it.  I am so glad that you all caught up.  This really is just like a big family here in some ways all extended across the globe.  Who knows Bettie maybe this man might be nice?  i guess you know yourself though what is best for you, as you will be the one being with him.  I have no advice on this one really haha, no idea. 
Glad you are back on the recovery wagon though
 Living with Hope

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the posts.
Went to the Dr and got no answers-I am so frustrated. He asked if I was stressed out. I asked him if he would be stressed in my position. More blood tests, x-ray and maybe a cat scan. $$$$$$$$$$$$
The guy called today-I didn’t pick up. I need to call him back but just don’t feel like talking.
Waiting impatiently to get better!
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Trying to get motovated to work out. I had gambling thoughts yesterday but didn’t feel well enough to go. There’s an advantage to being tired-it will keep u out of the casinos-! But seriously if you go over the relaspe prevention steps posted by Carole times like this are "danger danger" so best to get busy. Going to see a friend who have been very ill and try to cheer her up. Most likely I will cheer myself up too.
So thats the plan. Workout a bit, pick up a bit then go see my friend.
Always good to have a plan.
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
… I had gambling thoughts yesterday but didn’t feel well enough to go …

Good morning Bettie,
You are doing good, and it is not your feeling bad that is causing you to make the rights choices. When your addiction had complete control over your actions and choices, you would have been at the casino come hell or high water, you would have gambled away the money for any medications, and would have had an imbalance stop off at the casino on the way to a hospital. No matter how you physically feel now, your are feeling good enough about yourself to not give in to the addiction or harmless urges.
God’s speed. Stay strong.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Very valid point Larry-I remember needing surgery in the throws of my addiction. Sitting down was nearly impossible but it certaintly didn’t stop me from sitting one cheeked on the seat in front slot machine!
Urges in themselves are truely harmless-it’s when we act on them they become a disaster!
I managed to work out both yesterday and today. One problem though, even with a snack before I worked out tonight I threw myself into insulin reaction then ate 2x what I had planned to eat! Oh well, I will gain control and manage this medical cr*p. just like recovery, baby steps, odaat. I am not helpless or hopeless!
Getting back to basics.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! You certainly are not hopeless and helpless! Good for you for exercising both days! Besides managing your blood sugars, they say that exercise is the second best thing someone with diabetes can do. You’ll find the balance; it may just take a little time. I was wondering where you were and was going to post to you, and then saw that you had posted to your thread and mine. What if you took the med for the cat and mixed it in some wet cat food?? If he got hungry enough he’d eat it. Should you be using the same spray for your ears and the cat’s? I’m feeling some anxiety about what the vet may tell me about Ruffuss. I fed him 1 1/2 pork chops at suppertime to see if he would eat, and he did. I usually just feed him and the other dogs snippets of people food, not a main diet of it. I wonder if you could moisturize the area where the cat is pulling his hair out with something hypoallergenic so that it wouldn’t itch him, so he would stop pulling out his hair. Maybe Vitamin E oil would work. Tomorrow I’m going for bloodwork and an ECG, and hubby has lots of errands he needs to do before going back to work on Wednesday, and he always likes it when I go with him. Wednesday I’m taking my granddaughter to the city to write her last exam. Thursday is GA and my weekend is completely taken up with the church conference and church on Sunday. Painting will have to wait till next week. Funny how for the first year of recovery, I could not find things to fill my time I used to spend gambling, and I was so worried that this was never going to change, and now I’m busy a lot of the time. Happy Recovery my Friend! Carole 

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, Sorry to hear about your health problems.  I know it is not fun.  Hopefully you will figure out a happy balance. Good for you exercising.  I had to kick myself in the xutt today but I did workout.  LOL!!  Take care of yourself.Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
One day and I pray it won’t be long I hope not to be posting my tale of illiness and one more based on recovery. I called off work – again – ear ache and sinus infection. I got up today and just couldn’t get ready to go. I ate and chatted a bit then back in bed. I slept for 3 hours. I had hoped a workout today too but too whiped to move.
I did get a phone call I had hoped for. They are delivering my new recliners Saturday! Yea! I wish I was in one right now but soon I will have to wish no more.
Having gambling thoughts again today, just thoughts and no action. I have to "replay the tape". When u leave the casino in tears did u really have any fun? I don’t think so.
I saw where larry posted tomething to the effect the reward for gambling was the financial disaster the person had to contend with. Good one larry-us cg’s don’t often think of that.
bettie
 

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, Hope you feel better soon!  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[vanilla]

Wishing you a speedy recovery.Letting go

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I swear I’m getting carpal tunnel syndrome paging down all 208 pages of your thread!! What color are those recliners?? You’re going to have to keep the cats off them or you won’t have one to sit on yourself. Went to my GA meeting and really wasn’t feeling like going, but glad I did as the meeting was really good. Those gambling urges may be coming from the fact that you’re physically ill. Gambling used to make me forget I wasn’t feeling well when I was sick. The fact was that gambling made me very sick, emotionally. It probably made me sick physically too with all the germs on those machines. People hardly take the time to use the bathroom. I wonder how many of them wash their hands?  This disease is so crazy! We go along for sometimes long periods, thinking recovery isn’t so hard, and then wham, the thoughts and urges assault us. I thought about what gambling would be like today, even though I had no urges. Realized that it’s stressful as I know that it is a lose/lose situation for us cgs. We deserve better than that! It’s a real sickness that’s for sure. I actually went to church last Sunday and the sermon was on the power of words. I’m going to a church conference tomorrow evening and all day Saturday. And then to church on Sunday again if I’m not too beat from getting up so early on Saturday. This is me trying to work on my step 3. Hope you feel better really soon. Carole

[trulyshi]

Hey twin gf.  Sure hope you’re feeling better.  I love recliners but know that every time I sit down in one I’m not getting up for a long long time.  Work was stressful for me again yesterday but the boss was away on a conference so I didn’t feel as pressured.  She’s back today and I’m dreading going in because I had to leave a few things unfinished yesterday.  She piles the pressure on to hit targets, but I guess that the you-know-what flows downhill so she’s probably getting the same from her superiors.  Anyways, time to get ready and then I’ll go in and face the music.  Are you cats declawed?  Debbie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yea Deb i get that-the asst manager drives us all crazy and when she is off it’s like a day off work. If you look at youtube under "morning huddle" you will get a big laugh-because it is so true. Some smart person did a whole series of what bank sales warm ups and cool downs are really like.
Here’s the trick. Attitude is everything. Just smile and say yes to every piece of BS that comes out of the bosses mouth. I feel like a liar when I do it but it’s what they pay me for. It does make the day go easier.
Carole the chairs are a wine color. I had such a restless night I wish I had one last night.
Funny about the combo book. When it was pointed out to me about an "unwillingness to accept reality" Thats me! I read it every week and the words go over my head. So maybe a little home study would help me understand the words I read in a hurry, trying to get on with my meeting.
Saw the diabetic nurse again yesterday. She kept hinting at things she wanted to tell me but couldn’t because she’s not my Dr. That was not the help I was looking for. Basicly I eat too much. I guess I couldn’t figure that out on my own!
Work then my meeting tonight. Very sleepy today.
bettie

[bettie]

What a lovely day-not!
I tried to get next week off of work but the boss said he has a meeting and no one to cover Wednesday. I said I would work Wednseday and take the rest of the week off but he said no. I compromised and said give me Monday and Tuesday. I need some time to work on me!
A customer walked right up to me and said "girl u need to get back on your program". I just said yes I know. I mean really-if someone had  a stroke would u walk right up and say Man, your face is droopy! How outragious but I guess it’s to be expected. When I lost weight people were generious with complements so what should I expect?
I skipped out of my meeting tonight, just not up to it. Feeling like a cow.
bettie

[desdemona]

Oh Bettie! I cannot believe that a customer would be so disrespectful, rude and plain mean, with a comment directed towards you like that. I’m sorry that happened to you. You are beautiful exactly the way you are. If you choose to lose weight for health reasons, that’s your choice. Why would you say it’s to be expected?? It’s not their business! Had you known how your boss was going to react, you could have maybe gotten a note from your doctor putting you on sick leave for that week. Sorry things are going not so well in your life right now. I had a chit day today as well emotionally, as that phone call from my brother brought up things from the past and caused me to get stressed out and full of anxiety. I did not attend the church conference, even though when I first woke up I felt so good about going. I know I missed something really good. I was going to do something good for myself by attending that conference. Thanks for the comment on my thread about integrity. It meant a lot.  When I told my husband about the phone call, he totally agreed with my decision, which was good to be supported. He made a joke and said send the uncle a picture of our three dogs and then donate the money to the SPCA. When I was imagining your recliners I pictured them as burgundy colored. It snowed all day today, and that contributed to my feeling so low. Are we ever going to have spring and summer here this year. My husband mentioned to my 18 year old granddaughter that as young as she was, she should be thinking about retirement planning. Her response was that she was planning for it, as her plans included marrying one of the rich oil guys she is going to meet working in the oil field. She got the summer job she applied for and it is doing admin work in the office in the oil field, starting Wednesday. I know she was just joking with us. I hope things start to go well for you soon. Carole

[bettie]

  Hi guys,
I have been fighting the deamon all weekend. I have stayed busy with family and have enyoyed my new chairs. Going to spend some time today working on the "horde" in my spair bedroom. I have also been doing a bit of research and ran across the following tips. I have heard many of them before but always a good remimder to see them in print. Maybe I’ll pull out my journal and write some of these out today.
Carole I’ll  take one of those rich oil guys!!
bettie
Here are ten tips to prevent you from returning to gambling and having a full-blown relapse of your gambling addiction. It is hoped that these ten tips will help prevent you from returning to gambling.
1. If you are feeling like returning to gambling, write down on paper some of the feelings that you are currently feeling. Are you feeling sad, depressed, lonely, stressed out? What are you currently feeling? Many times loneliness or just a desire to nurture oneself is feelings associated with wanting to return to gambling.
2. If you know what some of these feelings are, write down some solutions that can help alleviate these feelings. For example, if you are lonely, call a couple of trusted friends or a family member to get reconnected. If you need to nurture yourself, write down some of the things that you believe can help nurture you.
3. Take action immediately with some of these things. If you have worked hard all week, and are just looking to give something back to yourself, make an appointment and get a full body massage. If you want to treat yourself to a new outfit, or a new haircut, go and do it! Many times we return to a gambling addiction because we have lost the ability to nurture ourselves.
4. Go out and get some exercise. Go to the gym, or take a 30 minute walk. When you exercise, not only do you acknowledge that you are doing something good for yourself, but you also produce natural endorphins and "feel-good" chemicals in your brain by doing this. In addition, it is hard to go out and gamble and do something harmful to yourself, and also do something good for yourself like exercise at the same time. Self-care and self-harm are polar opposites, so if you put on your exercise gear and go to the gym, it will be harder to get in the car and drive to a gambling casino and throw out all of your hard-earned money.
5. Write down on paper what you feel like on your way home from a gambling casino. What are the feelings? How does your stomach feel after you lost hundreds or thousands of dollars? How do you feel about yourself after spending twelve hours in the casino? What is that drive home like? How do you feel about your life, yourself, and your future? Be specific, and do not leave anything out.
6. When your urge to return to your gambling addiction becomes acute, please take out the paper that you just wrote and read it thoroughly, meditating on the feelings associated with your own personal experience after a gambling binge. Spend about ten minutes feeling the feelings and using your imagination. What will happen is that you will start to physiologically feel the feelings associated with the aftermath of gambling. This is a very powerful technique that I highly recommend you using.
7. Attend a local Gamblers Anonymous meeting if the urge to gamble hits hard. Even though you may not be a regular attendee, or may never want to be, it will definitely help you get through this bumpy period. If you do not have a Gamblers Anonymous meeting close by, attend an open A.A meeting just to get support from other people who suffer with an addiction just like you.
8. If you are depressed or highly anxious and have a lot of stress in your life, seek out a professional counselor who can help you with these issues. This can prevent a gambling addiction relapse before it occurs.
9. Make a schedule of your daily life including all tasks. Try to have a schedule every day, and fill in your times with things to do. Include creative and fun things to do as well. Having too much free time is very dangerous for someone with a gambling addiction, especially if you are in danger of a relapse.
10. Make sure that you reward yourself for preventing a relapse. Be good to yourself, and treat yourself well. Reward yourself for taking care of yourself and not partaking in destructive behaviors. Treat yourself to a nice dinner, a new book, or a massage. You deserve it.
 
It is hoped that these ten tips to help prevent a gambling addiction relapse were helpful to you. Remember, that you are a work in progress, and recovery from gambling problems takes time.
Whatever you do, try your hardest, and I mean you’re very hardest not to return to gambling and place a bet. A gambling addiction relapse can set you back very far emotionally and financially. Do not give into the urges. Place yourself first.
If you recently had a relapse and are looking to stop gambling again, there is help out there for you. Never stop trying to give up gambling. If it takes 5 times, 20 times, or a hundred times, never give up. Gambling addiction is a destroyer of lives. Do not let gambling destroy you.

 

Gambling Addiction Prevent Relapse

 

 

— 4/30/2012 1:02:40 PM: post edited by bettie.

[velvet]

Dear Betty
An unasked for nasty comment says more about the person who made it than the person it was directed at.  
Why do we all allow people to get to us?  
Look after yourself in that wine-coloured recliner – you deserve it.   Without ever meeting you I know you are lovely – it is in everything you write and everything that is written to you.
Think of all the people who are kind and whose opinion is worth listening to and forget the unkind remark from someone who’s opinion is not worth a tinker’s cuss.  
Velvet

[luvs2garden]

Hi Betty,
I have my first day off today in a long time and I thought I would spend some time reading your posts!
Wow, you are an amazing lady and your journal is inspiring.  I especially needed to read your recent post on, "Here are ten tips to prevent you from returning to gambling and having a full-blown relapse of your gambling addiction."  Working 7 days/wk for so long I felt a sense of "entitlement" to gamble but I quickly remember my last relapse and I do not have the energy to go through that stress again.
I think I read your cat is itching and biting his fur off?  If so, I can relate as my cat did the same thing and I had him at the vet off and on for two years and it turned out he became allergic to grains and chicken. (at 8 years old)  The worst thing you can give your cat is Temptations if your cat has these allergies.  My cat is my baby so it broke my heart seeing him in this condition. 
Bye for now and I hope you feel better soon.

[desdemona]

Thinking about you Miss Bettie and hoping that you were using your time to work on yourself, and feeling better emotionally.  I have been feeling low myself since Friday and had a few urges but managed to not give in to them. It wouldn’t have made me feel any better to have gambled, so why would I want to feel worse? I honestly asked myself that question. Did I want to feel more depressed? I also reminded myself that this depressed feeling would past, and wouldn’t last forever.  How comfy are the recliners?? Interesting about the Temptations as my cat loves them. Went to my granddaughter’s dance recital on Saturday and to church on Sunday. You’d love this church Bettie. People of every color, age, and soci-economic background. This church talks the talk but also walks the walk. It is the same church that gives us a room for our GA and NA meetings. Annoying tenants have found a place to rent in a nearby town. Yahoo! Carole  

[cat438]

Hi Bettie – just dropping by to catch up.  I hope you are enjoying your new recliners.  I am sitting on mine right now with the TV on and the laptop on my knee.  I just love my recliner.  Take care.One day at a time my sweet lord…

[desdemona]

Miss Bettie! You haven’t posted since April 30th. I tried phoning you twice to make sure you’re well. Hope you’re OK! Carole

[finding_laura]

Hi B,
hope you are doing ok.  My mother hen instinct is clucking all over the place.  Were you able to feel a little better with your time off?  I think you are one of the funniest people i’ve ever "met", lively and kind.  People who make judgements against those  that are not picture perfect on the outside have their own issues, nuff said.  Change the tape B!  You ARE beautiful.  Your diabetes is a challenge, but you are right, one day at a time, you will find your balance. Hope to see an update real soon.
xo Laura

[desdemona]

Spoke to Bettie and she is really doing well. She is feeling much better health-wise and has been doing yardwork at her daughter’s. She hasn’t posted as her computer is down at the moment and her brother is fixing it. Carole

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie!!  Just wanted to say HI!!!  Hope this finds you well.  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[finding_laura]

good to know!  Thanks Carole!

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

I have been fighting the deamon …

Good evening Bettie, Carole, and Reds,
Just got home from work and an early dinner at a neighborhood family Mexican restaurant to take advantage of the Cinco de Mayo activities.  Reminded me of the Friday night dinner and fellowship we shared in Chicago at the family restaurant there.  Had my fill of the Mexican cuisine (although they had a limited menu because of the "holiday" — reminded me of the "its Mardi Gras" excuse they use in New Orleans to explain a lessor service), and had my fill of  Margaritas as well; since you were none with me, I had to drink four on my own (they were somewhat small, not the large ones served in Chicago). Good thing I have a late start at work tomorrow so I can sleep off the demon buzz.
Take care and God’s speed my friends. LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hey my PC’s back! Darn FB- i think i got a virus as it was dogging my pc and my brother had to wipe it out.
Larry glad u enjoyed the Margaritas, maybe I’ll go make one. I have a brand new blender I could break in.
Carole thanks for the check up.
I did spend my couple days off working on me-the cleaning was theraputic and really make’s me want to get things in order across the board. I have managed a workout/sweat producing activaty every day this week. I made the desision to stop using the short acting insulin and go back on my pill. I have little or no swelling in my ankle now and find I have less hunger and more energy. I am also testing my blood very frequently so I will use the short acting stuff if I need to. I do have muscle pain but I believe the drug interraction did that. I am doing very lite strength training hoping to build back what I have lost.
Both of my brothers came to take away my air conditioner in hopes of saving it. They will clean it as it has never been cleaned since it was installed in 1995! I guess it’s time! 
Just found out there is a condo listed for sale for $24,900. in my complex! At one time my unit appraised for 126,000. How sad! Almost makes me want to walk away because I owe so much. Oh well, I have a decient roof over my head and thats more than some can say.
Sorry I have missed you Laura, lovs2garden, lizbeth and Cat! I may be on the chat early tomorrow but hope to do an early workout first. 
I am feeling better and I am greatful!
bettie — 5/6/2012 1:08:10 AM: post edited by bettie.

[غير معروف]

Glad you are feeling better Bettie!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie!!  So glad to see your post.  I hope the medicines (insulin) work for you and you can find a healthy balance.  Take care!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi guys,
Seems I missed everyone this weekend. I havd managed to work out almost every day this past week. I need to keep going and get back into the habit of daily exersize.
One of the GA ladies called and asked me to read at her pinning. I am honored to be asked but can’t make that meeting as it is a Saturday and I have to work. In honesty I think I would have felt a bit of a hipocrate if I had done the reading, as I am not the GA poster girl I once was. I am not activate in my recovery right now but I am not gambling either. I need to make the time and restart working the steps.
bettie

[icandothis]

Glad to hear things are going a little better with your medications.  Good for you on those daily workouts.  This is something I need to do also, but I just am not making it happen.  Today would be a good day to start.  In my book, you are the ultimate GA poster girl! 

[trulyshi]

I really am starting to think you are my evil twin, lol.  You just had to go and say that line, didn’t you.  "you want to shut the door and leave the window open".  Between you and Harry I’m now probably going to be up all night, thinking and analyzing myself.  Gee whiz, I just conquer the GA meeting and now I’ve got to deal with this.  Luv ya – Deb

[bettie]

Originally posted by bettie

Hi DD, Hi Everyone,
Didn’t plan to confess but I blew it yesterday. What’s the saying, The road to hell is paived with good intentions? The plan to gamble has been in my mind since Wednesday, since $$ went to my account. I talked, I posted, I placed (some) barriers, but I failed counting on other people to call me to keep me home. I did leave casino when my daughter called. She was over but left with her boyfriend. I resent him. When she moved back to the area I thought we would spend more time together but I’m out ranked!
I must not blame my "support system". I have been somewhat of a loaner, not by choice, but everyone thinks I have this great soical life. My social life is basicly being with a man who is "seperated"and has 8 kids by 4 woman. He doesn’t want a "relationship". Even he doesn’t think I’m good enough for him! The rest of my "social life" consists of going to the casino. If I stop, what am I going to do?? Sit around here and eat??
Can you say pitty party?? Crying now, feeling useless!
Got a wake up call from CC Company. I went over limit on my card at the boat 3 weeks ago so now they wake my stupid *ss out of bed on Sunday mornings to make sure that they will get at least a minimal payment.
Should go on open chat, too ashamed to do that too. See, even I knew I was being smug and my head kept telling me don’t brag, you will fail and how are you ever going to tell anyone?
I do this when I try to quit smoking. I won’t tell anyone because I expect to fail and just don’t want to see their dissapointment in their faces or hear the "I told you so" . I don’t want any accountabality! Immature reaction? You’re right!
If I could find the courage to ban I know I would keep my money where it should be. I have a large amount from a retirement plan coming in May. My retirement money is almost gone. I know I will have to work until I die and won’t ever retire. My fault!
I could keep whinning but even I’m sick of hearing it!
Got to stop crying, check my blood sugar, sky high I’m sure because I went on an eating binge after the casino binge!
I may not have to wish myself dead if I eat like that because it just might kill me! Funny, how can you not want to die but wish you were dead???????????????????
wishing you peace, hoping i can find some
bettie

          Hi Guys,
          Hey Deb I dug this up for you. It’s the gambling deamon that is fighting your banning right now. You "right" brain wants to but your "cg" brain is fighting you good and strong! It’s good to remember that when we know what we need to do but can’t seem to do it it’s usually the addicting talking.
         Somewhere along the line I was told that it is a trate of a cg to be immature. I didn’t see that in myself at first but when I look back ( and sometimes even now) I see it clearly. I still want everything fixed- yesterday!
         Do what you feel you need to do in your own time Deb, we didn’t become CG in a day thats for sure.
         As for me I am doing good right now. I have managed my workouts every day this week and even with less medication my sugars are very good-in fact the best that they have been in a long time. I am trying to motovate myself with that thought-if I move for 30 munites it’s one less shot. A pretty good trade off in my book!
peace
bettie
 
 

[trulyshi]

Bettie I am so happy you are taking care of yourself.  When we are gambling we tend to forget about that.  I have been taking inventory over the past month and there are so many personal things I’ve let go.  I went to the dentist yesterday and it’s been a long long time.  I need to focus on losing some weight myself, I could lose 30-40 pounds and still not be where I want to be.  I wake up every morning with a smoker’s cough and have been telling myself for years that it’s time to quit.  Perhaps this is the time – I’m cranky from not gambling, why not go whole hog?  I haven’t bought any nice cloths or done my makeup properly in so long either.  My sole focus was on getting to the casino each day, and NOTHING was going to deter me or take up any of my time.  Thank you for reprinting your post, it means alot to me that you took the time to find that for me and it did sink in.  I’ve wasted so many years of my life to this addiction and I’m getting too old to waste anymore.  – Deb

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just procrastanating, I need to workout but I think I need a nap first. I didn’t sleep well and I am just exausted.
I went to my meeting last night and mentioned that I was not working my recovery. I got a reply that taking care of myself is working my recovery. I had not ever thought of it that way.
Maybe I’ll post more later.
Time to sweat!
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I think there is something in the air.  I have been procrastanating for the last few days!!!!  Bettie,  you need to take care of your health first before you can take care of anything else.  Be kind to yourself, as you deserve it!!!  Hopefully, you can get a nap today!!!  Take care!!!Seize all the good things in life

[kathryn]

Hey B,
Posting here is working recovery B, reading other threads is working recovery, girl, you work recovery in ways you never imaigned.
Im so happy to read that you are looking after yourself.  I found out without a shadow of a doubt that im going to Bali in 7 weeks.  B……im on the health kick with you, i cant go to Bali looking like this, talk about pressure!!!!!
Love ya girl,
K xxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[trulyshi]

Have a terrific Mother’s Day Bettie.  Hope you’re able to relax (even if it’s after a work out).  I wanted to go for a walk with the dog and my youngest son today but the weather here decided not to cooperate, it’s raining and overcast.  There’s still a few hours so perhaps it will clear up.  Otherwise, I think I’ll torture my son by making him watch a chick flick with me, lol.  Have a good one – Debbie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Happy Mom’s Day!
I have had a very active day already. Up @ 6am ( thanks to Mr Jingles-my cat ) and have two loads of wash to get from the laundry room. I have made chicken and brown rice for later, worked out 35 minutes ( did 1 hour yesterday and my knee says ENOUGH!lol~). Quick breakfast and shower and off to my brothers for a BBQ.
Something else came up at my Friday meetings. One of the newer gals who was considering a divorce decited to give her marrage another try, stating how her husband had become so supportative in her recovery. Others chimed in stating how importaint it was having support from close friends, partners and family. I started feeling sorry for myself, I don’t have that and in retrospect I have been on my own for a very long time. When I got over the pity party I had to do some more reflecting. I have all of u guys for support, hundreds of people just like me in my corner! My secrecy and fear of telling family keeps them at a distance and that my fault.
Being on my own had not always been such a bad thing. During my recient health crisis a friend pointed out that I was such a strong person, much stronger than I gave myself credit for. You know he was right. It’s an old saying but it’s true, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.
love,
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! thought I’d stop by and wish you a Happy Mother’s Day! Spent the day weeding and then my granddaughter, daughter, and I went to Wally World and bought bags of Miracle Grow, and lots of flowers, and a big tall clock planter with huge cups and saucers, but we haven’t found a white rabbit yet. Granddaughter and I are going to have one flower bed as Alice in Wonderland. I still need lots of flowers as I hadn’t realized how many planters I have. Also bought seeds for my vegetable garden. Decided that I would work harder at keeping our property looking good. Off for a family dinner at the local hotel as this is the first Mother’s Day without my MIL. Hope you had a good day at your brother’s. Way to go on working so hard on your health!!! Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Carole you sound like a regular farmer! How nice! I am thinking of attempting another garden at Jen’s. Didn’t work out too well last year so maybe I’ll do better this time around.
I have been faithfully working out. I am sore but I am seeing a benifit and that helps motovate me. I wore a dress today that I had planned to return to the store because I didn’t like the way it looked. I liked the way it looked today!
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Way to go on the workouts! The garden idea sounds good. Gardening is good exercise. So is cleaning house, but I’m  not that fond of that. I’d rather be painting than cleaning. Went to all the stores today and haven’t been able to find that white rabbit. I’ll take any color rabbit as long as it’s big as it can always be painted white. Hubby went for bloodwork yesterday and we came home to a message on the answering machine asking him to call the clinic and ask for the referral desk. That has me a bit concerned as he already has the MS and the COPD. Surely there can’t be anything else wrong with him. Passport- I always have one so that I can be ready to go when an opportunity presents itself. I do know that Vegas is not somewhere I’ll EVER be going again. I haven’t really had any big urges to gamble lately as I’ve been too busy. Hubby leaves to go back to work for another 14 days tomorrow. Take care friend! Carole 

[trulyshi]

Good for you for keeping up with the workouts.  I walk to and from work each day so it’s almost an hour of walking.  I know that I’ll have to push myself eventually and do more exercise, but it’s a good start.  I’m not a gardener, even my house plants suffer under my lack of a green thumb.  I somehow managed to kill a silk plant last year, lol.  I’m going to my first work rally tonight after work.  I guess they provide a really nice dinner and everyone from the branches in the district attend.  I’ve been told that attendance isn’t mandatory, but it’s frowned upon if you don’t go.  I need all the goody points I can get, so I’ll go and have the free meal anyways.  Thanks for your post, I appreciate it so much.  I read over some stuff last night and I fit the co dependancy bill to a tee.  It’s no wonder my self esteem has been in the toilet for so long.  Something to work at.  Deb

[lizbeth4]

HI Bettie!!  Thanks for the info on fish oil.  I am not allowed to take anything with my current heart meds., no vitamins, herbs, even if they are natural.  Awesome on the workouts.  I know I feel better when I workout.  Sometimes, I have to push myself to do it!  LOL!!!  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Thought I’d stop by and see what you’re up, but no hide or hair of you. Speaking of hares, my daughter was able to find a white rabbit for the flower bed on the net, exactly what we needed, but it’s coming from the US, so it could take a while. I’m off to my GA meeting in a bit. One member is celebrating 9 years of gamble free time, and it’s his last meeting before he moves away. I’m definitely out of sorts the past 2 days. Been having 4 hour naps during the day. Feeling pretty low but have been dealing with "things." Thought a lot of going gambling today and was looking for the littlest excuse but it didn’t come, so I escaped through sleeping. Had my husband not phoned, I would have probably slept through my meeting, which would not have been good as I’m bringing the cake.  Hope you’re doing well. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hey Carole, I’m right here! Lazy about posting but still here! I played hooky from my meeting so I could workout. I wore a dress today and I looked like I had a waist! lol~ I was excited to see some shape!
I bought a kit with 6 different nail colors and have used 5 of them to polish my nails. Looks like a rainbow!
Poor Jennie! She went to the dentist and had a tooth pulled. I am so upset! I wish she had come to me, I would have found the money to fix that tooth! My friend said I was enabeling her, offering her money, and that she would not improve her life if I kept bailing her out. Well that may be true but she’s my baby, and she will not grow more teeth! It’s not like I was buying her something silly, it’s a tooth! I was told I can’t fix her till I fix myself. F*** that! I dissagree!
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I’m glad you’re doing so well! This is really hard to admit but I gambled today. I was feeling depressed and lonely, it was gloomy and raining and I said " Fuck it!" Am I allowed to say that here? So now I’m feeling just depressed! Carole

[trulyshi]

I certainly understand being a mama bear Bettie.  There’s nothing I wouldn’t do if it was within my power to help my kids.  When it comes to their health and well-being I would always be there for them.  Glad you are starting to reap the rewards of your work-outs.  I need to start pushing myself and going beyond my daily walks to work.  I’ve gotten lazy the past few days and accepted a ride home from a co-worker.  Just looking forward to having the next 3 days off, my weekend is already planned out and my schedule is full.  Just realized I didn’t plan any time in there for house cleaning, darn.  Oh well, I refuse to change my schedule it will just have to wait.  Have a good one twin girl.  Deb

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Up early, Mr Jingles just doesn’t understand Sundays. It is bright and sunny but may get storms later.
I think I will take my bike to the gas station and go get air in the tires.
I am taking a week off the first week of June. Not sure what I will do but my bedroom could use a coat of paint.
Time to get moving!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well feeling like an idiot today. I got "secret shopped" at work last month and I failed! Not by a little either! Usually you can tell when you are getting shopped and you step up the conversatation. Long story short I could tell by the report that I spent alot of time with this person but they didn’t seem to like me much. Some of the review ( was banker wearing her name tag, did they ask for your business etc ) had answers of no. I am a stickler about things like that so I know I was not treated fairly. I gave the person my business card-which tells me why would I give a card and NOT say please call me when you are ready to open your account or can I be of further assistance. On some other notes there are things that i know I don’t do-like shake hands-but overall I feel like an idiot. I keep telling myself "oh well" but the truth be told this affects my job-and I am not happy about it at all! I am WAY behind the goals this quater so this could not have come at a worse time. Just pray for me!
On a lighter note-life goes on. Worked out, ate well, numbers are good. Customer told me today that my new hair cut is very nice and made me look much younger! I’ll take that! I did have a very productive day today, I told my boss I was trying for redemption!
Lots of gambling thoughts all weekend but none acted on. Thats a win-win for sure.
bettie

[trulyshi]

We get secret shopped too.  I haven’t yet, but sure it will come.  We even get tested by telephone, so I try not to answer the main line, lol.  it’s hard to be on top of your game every single minute and if it’s any consolation I’m sure that if you give the same warm loving care to your customers that I see here, then they must all love you.  I had many urges over the weekend too and didn’t act on them, came close a few times though.  I went to my friend’s 60th party tonight and only had one beer and one pina coloda and WHEW, I don’t even remember the ride home.  Thank goodness the bf didn’t drink much and was able to drive.  That must be why my nickname is Two Beer.  Back to work tomorrow for me, I hope the twin thing doesn’t apply here and I don’t get shopped tomorrow.  Would be a bad day for it since I may be nursing a slight hangover.  Talk soon and keep hangin in there.  Deb

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Sad today. My dad passed 12 years ago today. It’s an easy date to remember, as it’s the same date 28 years ago that I left my husband after he beat me.
I really dislike May 22.
bettie

[cat438]

Hugs (((Bettie))) it’s strange how no matter how long it is since we lost our mother or father the date stays with us.  I lost my father 16 year ago on May 28.One day at a time my sweet lord…

[trulyshi]

My heart goes out to you Bettie.  I lost my dad on Christmas Eve 12 years ago and every year on that day I think of him.  It’s good to focus on the happy memories and last year I made sure I had my family around me that night and I was so busy feeding them and celebrating the holiday that there was no time to be sad.  Thinking of you – Debbie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie, Cat, and Debbie, sorry to all three of you for losing your Dads. Bettie, I didn’t know they had "secret shoppers" where you work. I can’t imagine you not interacting in a very friendly way with anybody that came in. Sorry that happened but like Debbie said, a person can’t be functioning on all cyclinders all of the time. Sounds like you’re doing really well with the eating and activity so kudos to you my friend. I have had 3 year old twin grandkids here for the past 27 hours and I’m done. They talk constantly and I can’t understand what they are saying unless I stop everything and listen carefully. And they were up at 6:00 am. I was asked to keep them another 24 hours and I had to say no, as I’m not cut out for babysitting for days. I need my downtime and my sleep. Carole 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,I caught a little bit of the chat earlier and maria popped on. I thought about this when we were chatting. I have reposted it many times but I think it is time yet again.Have a great day everyone!bettie
Originally posted by bettie

 
 
 Hi Guys,
I copied this from Marilee’s thread. It speaks so much truth ( at least to me ) that I almost cried when I read it.
I would recomend having someone to whom you are trying to explain this illiness to read it.
Thanks Marilee, hope you are ok where ever you are. 
  
It often crosses my mind that being an addict is like trying to communicate with a deaf world.  You are trying and trying to say the words, but no one can hear you.  It is a disease of incredible loneliness, isolation, secrecy, fear and depression.  Since you don’t walk with crutches, have a cast, bandages or bruises, others do not know you are sick. In the beginning, you don’t know you are sick either.  It may be more visible to others who notice your mood, your unhappiness, your withdrawal, than it is to you.  Make no mistake – the denial of a problem is protecting the addict from a pain they are not ready to handle.  With all addictions, moving from denial is a risky process.  It involves putting your relationships, your self-esteem, your sanity on the line.  To get from denial to acknowledgement, those who surround you need to understand this:  gambling is NOT about the money.  Money is only the tool that helps us continue to use a coping mechanism to deal with negative emotions.  The power of the addiction is that, in the beginning, this tool worked amazingly well.  In the beginning, a casino feels like a safe place.  No one asks anything of you, the lights and noise distract your thoughts, for one hour or ten, you have nothing to do but sit and press a button that randomly rewards you.  Go back to any Psychology 101 class and you will find that it is proven that random rewards are far more powerful in sustaining the behavior.  This would be an ideal solution, except that – like an alcoholic who needs more and more alcohol to get drunk – a gambler needs to go more often to shut off the negative emotions and the anxiety, depression and despair that those emotions cause.  Eventually, the financial losses accumulate, and you add yet another layer of problems to the many you already couldn’t cope with.  In many ways, it is easier to see the financial problems as the only ones you really have.  There isn’t a gambler out there who doesn’t say "if only I could win $10,000 my problems would be solved".  Well, they would be solved on one level – relief from the stress of unpaid bills, collection calls, legal action – but the reasons why you gamble have not been addressed and you would begin the cycle all over again.
Gamblers are both alike and different.  We are alike because we have chosen a coping mechanism for psychological pain that, without question, will lead to financial ruin, destruction of relationships and often death.  We are alike because we all play a negative tape in our heads – "I am stupid", "I am worthless", "If anyone really knew me they would not love me"; and on and on it goes.  We are only different in the life situations that cause us to have the negative emotions.
What can those who are close to a gambler do?  Perhaps it is easier to list what I believe they should not do.  Do not judge, belittle or demean us.  That is what we do to ourselves in our head.  Words like "shocked" "disappointed" "angry" will not help us.  They will increase the negative emotions, and increase the drive to release that pressure by gambling more.  Do not place the blame for your emotions on us.  "You hurt me because you lied" "You have taken my trust".  We can’t deal with our own emotions, how in God’s name are we supposed to deal with yours?  Those close to a gambler need to work concurrently with us – find your own outlet and help for your emotions while we are dealing with ours.  We are not indifferent to how those around us are feeling, we are simply not capable of helping them.  Do not expect a gambler to tell you why they gamble.  For some it is a lifelong pursuit to understand it themselves.  At a minimum, it is a lengthy process of uncovering the many things in their past that brought them here.  Do not expect a gambler to just stop once they have acknowledged the gambling.  You are an addict for life.  Recovery often involves relapse.  Think of it this way – if someone tells you that you can never, ever have chocolate again, wouldn’t you run around and binge on it before it was gone?  A gambler is losing the only crutch they have and it is very scary.  Until other, different and healthy coping mechanisms are in place, we are terrified to be without our gambling crutch.
What can you do?  Always, always have compassion.  Someone you love is in terrible pain.  If they had a physical disease, you would unquestionably be there to support them.  But they have an emotional disease – and they need you even more.  Tell them you love them, need them, and want to suppport them to get well.  Don’t threaten them – "If you gamble again I am leaving".  Unless of course that is how you really feel.  If so, say it, mean it, do it.  This is an intensive battle for the gambler’s life.  If you’re not in it for the long haul, then get out of the way.  It is okay to place reasonable conditions on your support  – "I’ll drive you to your meetings but I won’t give you money" – but that doesn’t mean your love can be conditional. 
Respect the gambler.  There is no dignity in this disease.  We have spent a long time and a lot of energy creating a false mask for others in order to hide our disease and our pain.  Admitting you are an addict takes more courage than most people will ever know.  We deserve to be respected for this.
It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….
Looking for the Wisdom

[desdemona]

Interesting that Maria popped on chat! I was just thinking about her in the past day or two. Did she mention if her Dad had passed away, as the last time I spoke to her, her Dad was dying of cancer. You need to get yourself a passport, dear girl. Carole

[icandothis]

Thank you for sharing that again, Bettie.  I remember reading that awhile back, and it has even more meaning to me now.  Perfect reading for me just now while I was eating my yogart.   A good reminder to be more compassionate with myself and also another person I know who is addicted to alchohol. 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I am so sleepy! I slept good but I had a dream that is trying to come into my memory. Bits and pieces right now.
I don’t know what it is about the weather. It gets sunny and warm and I want to go to the casino and drink beer! Whats that all about? I toyed with the idea, told myself the million reasions why that was a bad idea, cleaned the condo and treated myself to a manipedi! Cute orange finger nails typing this this morning! I read some of my posts from last summer when I was looking foward to my pinning. I seemed to have it all then so where did it go?
Yes Carole, I do need a passport! The thought of having to take my picure is a turn off but a necessary evil-lol~!
Ican I still love that post. I still want to cry when I read it.
Well time to get ready for work then I WILL go to my meeting tonight.
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
 
… It gets sunny and warm and I want to go to the casino and drink beer! …

Good morning Bettie,
You thinking that you have to go to the casino on a warm day to have a beer, Whats that all about?; what wrong with a bar bar, or a blues or jazz one in my thinking?
We in St Louis, and people in other cities I am sure, keep hearing about all of the old neighborhood quint bars in Chicago; and there are most likely some newer ones with character as well.  All of these watering holes that serve cold beer from around the world are there for your cooling off pleasure. And Chicago doesn’t even allow video poker machines in bars.
Cheers!, Bottoms up, Santé, any toast but one related to betting on the next round.
Larry

Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.– 5/25/2012 3:54:00 PM: post edited by paul315.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Paul would you believe at my age I would not dream about going into a bar alone? Did I strike you as the shy wall flower type? lol~ For the record Chicago area bars DO have poker machines. They may "payoff"-if you are a regular. Al Capone lives!
Well I am home from what just might be my last meeting at that particular meeting place. I went into the room with a couple hellos, sat next to my "sponser", who didn’t have two words to say to me. The "click" has reared it’s head yet again. The one lady talked of a party she was throwing for family and friends, and then came the mention that my "sponser" was attending. I so wanted to be included! I feel unwanted, unlikable, a sore thumb. I am so much like my Mom. friendless.(I do count u all as friends, but there is a difference between cyber space and a physical presents) There is something about me that must turn people off. The one friend that I did have, my ex gambling buddy, has a boyfriend now. We haven’t hung out in weeks. She had surgery and I offered to care for her and her Mom but she had that covered-thanks but no thanks.
I’ve asked myself many many times what I am doing wrong. I am clewless. I really hate being me.
bettie

[vera]

Sorry to hear you feel exclude AGAIN, Bettie! But you DO know that these feelings are just feelings! However, not being invited to events can be a bit of a let down, but if you feel negative about yourself for NOT being invited, you will also feel negative even if you ARE invited. I often find myself saying "maybe they only invited me as an afterthought, or to make up the numbers, or because they knew I would bring a present!"….Stinkin thinkin!…then I have to shake myself and remember that other peoples’ motives may have nothing whatsoever to do with my feelings or thoughts. I have to remove myself from being in the "poor me" place, and say "Bugger the lot of them. No matter what THEY do or say, I will continue being myself and if they don’t want me, it’s their loss!"
If we dwell on feelings of being the "odd one out", it can lead to gambling Bettie, because in a casino NOBODY gives a damn who you are or how you feel because all they want is your money!
Look for another GA group but dont expect to be included in the social lives of people who have bonded together before you arrived. If people need to be part of a clique it tells me they are not my type. I hate cliques! I prefer people who can stand up and be counted as individuals.
"To thine own self be true", Bettie!

[finding_laura]

Hi Bettie,
I’m here, slept in a little, see you have been around a little early today.  Just putting my  coffee on if you are still around xo
Laura

[bettie]

It’s easy to say "****** the lot of them" but it changes nothing. If I always feel excluded why bother looking for another meeting?
I’ve woken up in quite a mood!
You are 100% right about the gambling urges. I had to steer clear of the casino on the way home. The "perfect storm" has arrived to feed my addiction. I can gamble and at least have something to do, or I can stay home and feel sorry for myself all weekend. Neither are very good choises. I am too blinded by my hurt feelings to see any further.
bettie

[trulyshi]

Yet another "twin" parallel.  At my meeting Thursday night 4 of the regular women were discussing how they enjoyed getting together for dinner before the meetings, one of them was my sponser.  It didn’t bother me at that time because I figured they had probably been doing that together for years.  After the meeting some of us gathererd outside and a "newbie" mentioned to me that they had invited her for dinner the next Thursday.  Yes, it hurt, especially when she asked me if I was invited and I had to say no.  My sponser was standing right there and didn’t say a word.  Then the newbie looked right at me and said, hey why don’t you join us, I’ll pick you up when you get off work.  It took me a second to think about it, did I want to go to dinner with these people who obviously didn’t want me there?  The answer was, hell yeah.  I really like the newbie and I want to get out more and meet people right now.  So I said yes, and I’m looking forward to it.  I’ll judge things afterwards and if they are all cool to me at dinner or if I didn’t have a good time then I won’t go again.  I’m not going to let this spoil my meetings, that’s for sure.  I need those meetings and there are more than those 4 ladies that attend, there are alot of other nice people there.  I’m not going to GA for a social hour, I’m going to share and aid in my recovery.  Are there others at your meeting that you could be friendly with or fit in with Bettie, or are you just focussing on the ones who don’t matter?  You have been an immense help to me over the past few months and I feel a connection with you.  You are special and important.  Don’t you ever forget that.  I wish you lived closer, I would be hangin with you all the time.  Debbie

[bettie]

I think I need to move to Cananda!
Thanks for the post Vera and Deb, and thanks for the call Laura. I’ll dry my tears and get ready for work now.
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
 … Al Capone lives! …

Good morning Bettie,
Capone is dead! The illegal acts the he perpetrated and the mysteries glory attributed to his wrong actions may still live in the minds of some, but he is dead, and his wrong actions are dead to most; just as the excitement and wrongs of gambling are dead to compulsive gambling in recovery, or should be.  From what I have read video poker is illegal in Chicago bars, the "behind-the-door" activities may exist, but like legal gambling it is up to us to say no — and your going into one of those places would not be a problem, you are not a regular. I will also point out, when you used to get those cold beers at the casino, you went in alone most of the time, you fought off any qualms you had about that, you have the same right to be in a bar if you wanted. Not tying to make arguments, just trying to give reason to think about in you ridding yourself of the insecurities you are battling.  An no, you did not strike me as the Wall-flower type, so you might want to forget one of the toast I mentioned in closing my last post if you do happen to visit the local bars. lol
And to add to the stories about feeling included.  My GA group has a social type club as well; some of them regularly meet at a coffee house or restaurant before each meeting, and they go out after to the same coffee house or to another member’s home. I have never been "invited". But I do not feel left out, yet I am aware of the fact. They talk about it openly and it doesn’t look as if I or anyone else is excluded, it is just that I have never had a formal invitation to join in like I get for other reminders of the more formal GA sponsored events and gatherings. I am guessing it is because I have never inquired about it, or have never invited myself, or perhaps that they know that I use public transportation and the places they frequent are not very convenient to me so it would be no use to invite me — but in a way I feel the invitation should still be offered if that were the case, and it would be my choice to go or not — I do get around all the time to other places without to much trouble. I also feel, and may unintentionally show, that my GA meeting are not a social club for me so  I do not feel left out of that social life, yet it has become part on my social interaction with others; my going to the meetings is to help me remain gambling free, not to make new friends, yet I have gratefully made some, just as I feel that I have here.
I find the same situation concerning our GA phone list. The others all talk about a call they made or received and their daily involvement in each other lives, and they do often mention in general terms for anybody to call them whenever a need arrives, but I have only received one supporting call at the begining of my joining GA. But on the other hand, I have not called them either when I felt a need to talk to someone; I use the services of GT instead, and the GA members do know of my daily use here and may feel that I am excluding them in this part of my recovery. So I see some reason behind my being left out of the phone calls, and feel that it is more on my part than theirs. I have called other to congratulate them on their anniversaries, and I do call the new members that attend to welcome them back and let them know that I am available, but most of them unfortunately do not keep coming to enable a continued phone connection, or just do not use the phone like me.
I am sharing this to let you know that you are not being singled out, it is the way of most any group or work situation, and all of us see and feel the same thing at times — just as Al Capone and his wrong doings live in the minds of some, wrongful insensitivity and lack of common decency or courtesies lives in the minds of others; both of which are wrong on their part, it isn’t you doing something wrong.
Nevertheless, It is really just as much our responsibility for us to include ourselves in the events they openly talk about as it is theirs; if the gatherings were exclusive to only certain ones they would keep it secrete, or let you know at the time you enquired.  I would also like to say, in our meeting in Chicago, I found a very likable and enjoyable person in you, or persons if Carole or Reds read this, we all four seemed to hit it off well. Maybe it was because we were able to be more open to each other here before the meeting and did not have to worry as much about what someone new or strange would think.
However, the final fact is that you are working on your recovery, and that in recovery, as hard as it is for all of us, we need to concentrate on "principles before personalities" the principle of our recovery program, not the "its the principle of it" in regards to being part of the in-crowd or not.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Think positive.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I have fond memories of our time spent together in Chicago. Especially of the conversation and laughs we had late into the night. That was the best part of the conference for me. I can assure you that you are doing nothing wrong. I do think that, like me, you are supersensitive. I used to think that if someone didn’t greet me as warmly as I thought they should, or didn’t seem like they wanted to talk to me for any length of time, that it was something about me. But guess what? Everything isn’t about me! They could be preoccupied with issues in their own lives, or it could just be inconvenient for them. Or maybe they don’t genuinely like me. Not everybody has to like me. I’m OK with that. A lot of us would love to be your best friend in real life, if we lived closer. Carole 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I am at home and not at the casino so I guess that says something. I’ve done laundry, some cleaning, a workout, and some reading. I could call my brother but I am not feeling like I could be very good company anyway. It was hot as heck today but the temp has dropped and I have the window open now. I need to stop snacking, just ate a bowl of cereal to minimize the dammage from binge eating.
I’ve tried to listen to the words you have all typed about friends and friendship. I am looking back, way back, to try to figure out why I have always felt odd man out. My mom had no social life, none. She went out of her way to be cynical and always look for an angle-like someone was always wanting to get something from her. I think I am just the opposite in that respect. I get taken advantage of because I take people at face value. For instance if you say you’ll call I believe you’ll call and when you don’t I get my feelings hurt. My first "fwb" asked once why I would be so upset with him when he didn’t call-my response was honest-because sometimes that was all I had to look foward to, and I lived for the attention. Thin skinned, co dependent, it’s very hard to live like this.
I’ve thought about "it’s not about me". But if it isn’t about me why is it then? This pattern repeats and repeats. I guess I do isolate. Try as I might I still worry what other people think of me. I guess it doesn’t matter really.
bettie

[sherry123]

Bettie, I think people like us would never leave someone out.  We think of others so it is very hurtful when we are not treated like we would treat someone else. Your sponsor should have greeted you and made you feel like you two had a connection.  That’s how I feel anyway.  I was reading the AA big book and liked the way they pick someone up and have coffee and talk or get together after the meeting for fellowship.  I like that!  Everyone wants to be accepted so I don’t think your feelings are wrong.  You might need a different sponsor.  Someone more like you…caring and thoughtful.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I am up early-restless sleeping and again Mr Jingles doesn’t like me to sleep in.
Sherry I would not exclude someone knowingly but it does happen, even if it is not intentional it still hurts.
I am contemplating sending an email today and thank my sponsor for the things she has taught me and let her off the hook. People and things that hinder my recovery need to be addressed and I need to move on.
It will be very hot here today. My niece is hosting a little party for my brothers birthday. Not sure how long I will stay out in the heat.
I am feeling a bit dizzy. I think maybe it’s from the lack of sleep, maybe I’ll try for a nap in a bit. I checked my sugar and it is just perfect!
bettie

[bettie]

Ok, I sent the email. When I make up my mind to do something I usually just do it! I kept it simple, no critizism or mention of hurt feelings. I simply said Thank you but it was time to move on. Someone once told me that sponsership must be a thank-less job, trying to help a "new-bee" who doesn’t get it. I hope she doesn’t feel that way but if she does she owns those feeling-not me. What she thinks of me is none of my business.
bettie

[finding_laura]

heya Bettie,
you had a most productive day yesterday, and perfect blood sugar is good. Now dizzy i don’t like. Don’t get too much sun, you know what you need to do to take care of you at this party. Sorry i missed you this morning. Laura

[trulyshi]

Hey Bettie, did you get a response back from the email you sent your sponser?  Hopefully the next one will be better.  Deb

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes Deb, I did get a response and It was pretty much what I expected it would be. Out of respect for the program I will not go into detail. "Principals before personalities", that’s what Charles said on the chat today. I told him as women we are full of personalities so that was a tough one for me! 
Laura the dizzy was brief and went away quickly. I’ll take note in case it becomes more regular but I don’t think there is a need for alarm at this point. My gf needed her gall bladder removed-I had mine out at 16-and the Dr told her it was just in time. Another year or two and she would have had cancer. I guess the thing was full of polyups, yuck.
I am going to go to a new meeting this week. There are 2 very close ones that I have not tried so I will give them a go.
Very productive weekend. My oldest brother came and helped me till the garden box in Jen’s yard today. I hope to get a bumper crop-he is like a farmer, having much experence growing various herbs over the years-lol~!
I cooked all kinds of good things today. Fresh string beans, black eye pea’s, corn on the cob, chicken thighs and turkey Italian sausage on the grill. I will eat like a low fat Queen this week!
I am deciding what to do with my week off next week. I hate to just stay home. I wish Jen could go on a road trip with me but the dogs are an issue. My assistant manager has this week off so thats almost like an extra week off for me!
I thought about gambling and remembered-gambling is not an option.
peace
bettie

[trulyshi]

Hey twin gf.  Have never had black eye peas.  I’ve had mushy peas in England and they are so awesome.  Glad you’re going to try a different meeting, you will meet a whole new crew of people who probably live closer to you.  I know what you mean about vacations, I’ve got a week off at the end of June and no idea what to do with it.  I was thinking about making all my dr. and dentist appts. during that time.  I lead such an exciting life, would rather get blood tests than lay on a beach somewhere, go figure.  Anyways, finally got all the dishes done and now it’s time to crash.  Have a great day tomorrow.  Deb

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Got some shocking news when I left work yesterday. One of the gals I worked with when I moved to that branch has died. Seems she had a heart attack-while on a vacation cruse. How awful for her family. She is a bit younger than me and has 2 children in their late teens. I called my old assistant manager to tell her and she told me another one of the ladies we worked with at that time passed last week too! These two ladies worked together also! Makes you think u know?
3 more work days and I am off for a week. Gonna see Jules Saturday but no plan after than. I am tempted just to stay in the car and keep driving and see where it takes me. I just wish I had someone to come with me. Most likely I’ll just hang around home but lots of stuff I could be doing here.
bettie

[vera]

Sorry to hear that shocking news Bettie! Stops us in our tracks, doesnt it?
Take your vacation, Bettie. You need a break. Hanging around the house is not good. A change of s enery will be of benefit to you. why not go to Carole’s? No idea how far that would be though. I wish you could hop on a plane and come to Ireland. We WILL arrange that sometime B…we really will! Im still waiting for Geordie’s visit… If only, if only!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Vera I don’t have a passport-not much of a need when you have never had the chance to leave the country. The US is so big and it’s only been just a very few years that you needed a passport to go to Mexico or Cananada. Carole has invited me and I plan to take her up on the offer. I have to stop procrastnating and get the application done.
I went to a new meeting tonight and a couple of guys that go to the Friday meeting are regulars there. I was welcomed with open arms-physicaly-and was asked "What ya doing here? So glad to see you!" That was refreshing. I got some solid advice on my next step-not one regular member there has a sponser-but I still hope to have another one day. One of the guys chatted with me in private after the meeting and we had a just between me & u conversation. No big details mentioned here but he mentioned the particular "clique" atmosphere at the Friday meeting and assured me they were not all like that and that in deed I do need to spread my wings and try different meetings. I requested some step work material and I am moving foward.
bettie

[velvet]

 
Hi Bettie
I am pleased you went to a different meeting and had such a positive welcome.   I hope it goes a long way towards helping you realise that there was nothing personal in the negativity you had at the other meeting. We can get so bogged down when we begin to imagine we are not liked and often end up not being so likeable because we go in to situations thinking negatively.  
I think the majority of GAs and Gamanons are great but they are made up of human beings and human beings are not always as nice as they should be – not even in GA! 
I have asked all my neighbours in for a garden party to celebrate Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee.   Some of them said ‘don’t ask certain people because they would not come!’   How daft – if I don’t ask them, then they will definitely not come.   They don’t dislike the people they have just judged their reaction but I know how I would feel if the whole road went in to my neighbour and I was not invited.  (Actuallly my husband said that did happen to us last year but he didn’t tell me until a couple of days ago – ah well – what I didn’t know didn’t hurt me!) 
Don’t worry what people think of you – just be you.   I don’t believe it is about you but it could well be about them.   They sounded a right miserable bunch and not worth worrying about anyway. 
Have you asked for a sponsor or are you waiting to be asked?   It is possible to be overlooked without any malice.    When I first came on this site I was ignored in both the forum and the group.   My skin was too thin then and I retreated fast.   You might have noticed that I did return but very quietly and now I occasionally post! 
My attitude is that I am here because I care; I am not here to be liked.   The two things hang together a bit though I think.   If I didn’t care I wouldn’t be liked.  If I worried too much about being liked I wouldn’t post.  
Put the bad episode behind you. Don’t see in your mind’s eye ‘unfriendliness’ when you walk in the room. Know you have something to offer – because you have, it is called ‘care and understanding’.  The positive attitude will show in your face and your posture.  
I will admit that sometimes my bravado does fail me and when it does I am aware of a difference from those around me.   Look ‘em in the eye Bettie – you are worth knowing – you are wonderful.
Velvet

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
I wish you did have your passport! I am off next week too. You could have come here for a visit too. I would have shared with expenses! Although I should take my own advice. Mine expired this year, I need to get it renewed just in case! I am saving up for a trip and should be able to take one in the fall or early winter.
Question for you… do you have your spare room cleaned out yet? Just wondering, in case you need room for guests! I’m planning on continuing the declutter while I’m off. Work in the garden, relax on the deck. Just take it easy and make things better for my life when I go back to work. And of course to be more organized for my next vacation which I have booked already and plan to enjoy this vacation spot where I live. Will set my clock and have a look for you tomorrow am. luv ya B, take care,
Laura

[sherrie]

Hello Bettie. I saw ur post on Laura’s journal about wanting to work on the 12 steps. I found some worksheets on a website. Loads of questions and recovery exercises you can explore. It’s at www.12step.org (look in the tools section).

[غير معروف]

Hi Guys,
It’s bettie-not Jules! Getting ready for to go to dinner. Thanks for the link Sherrie-I knew it was out there somewhere. Nice chatting with you gals this morning. Time flys when you are having fun.
Not sure what all I will be doing this week but gambling is not on the radar!
bettie & Jules

[sherrie]

 Good to hear from you Bettie & Jules xxx Have fun!

[bettie]

Home again!
Time flys when you have good company thats for sure! Thanks Jules!
Sherrie I will be working on that info you gave me-thanks again.
Plan for tomorrow is cleaning and GA meeting.
Will have to plan something for Tuesday.
Cats are glad I’m home!
bettie

[trulyshi]

So glad you had a fun weekend.  I know that I’ve got to start thinking about what I’m going to do with my week off at the end of June.  I’m having a fireworks party on the 25th, we live downtown right near where the largest fireworks display in North America is set off every year.  I invite everybody I know over for hamburgs, hotdogs and beer that night.  Usually get 30-40 people and it’s alot of fun.  Anyways, not all of us can sleep in today, so it’s off to work.  Deb

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I did sleep until 7:30am-thats sleeping in according to my cats.
My Dad would have been 81 today. Of the 8 boys and 6 girls only two of them survive-my Dads twin sister and his baby sister. Funny because both of the survivors were twins-I am named for the baby sister’s twin who died when she was 3.
The party sounds like fun. I going to pick up a passport application today, add some stuff to my bucket list.
Life is too short to waste at a casino.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! When someone younger than us dies that we know, it really brings it home that none of us knows when our last day could be. Great to hear that you are getting your passport application today. Don’t put off filling it in and get it off to the mail ASAP (today). How long does it take?? Carole

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
 
… "Caught off guard and under the right set of circumstances"-those words were never truer! …
 
Good morning Bettie,
Thanks for you words of incouragement, and the warning. It was through my being able to reach out in the past and grasp the wisdom of others like yourself, and put it to pratice in my own life, that helped me throught the night.  The events were "under the right (or wrong) set of circumstances", those words were in fact very true, but, thankfully I was not "cought off guard".
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep your guard up.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Good meeting last night. One guy remarked he spent all his money on fast women and slow horses, except that as a CG he would never spend money on woman! I thought that was funny-as I had not heard that one before.
Today has been a bit of a trial. I did get my passport application and had to address the dreaded photo. I took Jen to lunch and called my friend the photographer. He said no problem , pop in and I’ll get it done for you. It took all my strength to have that picture taken. He snapped quite a few. I tend to cock my head to one side when I take a picture, I don’t know why. He showed me the various shots and I picked the least worst one. I looked over his shoulder as he loaded them on his pc. I stood there wanting to cry-and it took every ounce of my strength not to. He asked me what was wrong-the picture was fine. I told him if he only knew how looking at pictures of myself made feel , well, it makes me feel like I should not been seen in public, that I should run and hide. I know he thought I was joking, until he looked at me and saw the tears in my eyes. He said are you ok? I said yea I’m fine. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough and I remimded him to please deleate those from his pc. He said now THAT would cost me. That made me laugh and cheered me up a bit.
I just talked to my gf and told her what happened. She said girl if you could only see how beautful you are! I look at my picture and relive all the mean comments that were ever made about me. I tell myself this is why I don’t have a boyfriend or husband, I’m hidious! So fat, so ugly! She told me to stop believing those lies.
Ok, thats out. Pity party over.
Hormones working overtime today!
I had a dream last night. I dreamed I was in insulin reaction. I woke up, went beck to sleep, woke again sweaty and uncomfortable and went and checked my sugar. Sure enough, is was at 60-which is low. It was 3am and I was up drinking juice and eating toast. The good news is that my diet and excersize is working. I adjusted my insulin dose today and will make sure I have a snack before bed tonight.
bettie
 

[desdemona]

Name it and claim it: I am beautiful inside and outside! (because you are). You don’t have a boyfriend or husband because you believe all the mean spirited LIES that people have told you. Get yourself some post it notes and stick them everywhere in your condo and car and claim good things for yourself, like I am a beautiful child of God and am loveable exactly as I am. Hope you got that passport away. How long does it tkae before you get it? Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
They told me it takes like 4-6 weeks to get the passport. I haven’t sent it off yet-I have to find my birth certficate. Unreal all the questions they ask.
This picture thing is just so stupid. My head hurts from crying and I am glad it’s time for bed. It’s crazy. My friend called and I asked him if he had deleated the pictures as I found them upsetting. He said if it bothers you so much why don’t you do something about it. Not the support I was looking for! I told him is was doing the best that I can.
bettie

[sherry123]

I hate my picture too so I know how you feel.  Beauty is within and your real beauty shows no matter what your weight.  My mom loves her picture taken.  She is 76 and always trying to get in the picture.  Maybe when we are old ladies we’ll finally be comfortable with our image. ha ha

[غير معروف]

It’s a crime you don’t realize how beautiful you are.  When you were here this weekend, the first thing I thought when I saw you is how good you looked.  You looked 10 yrs. younger than the last time I saw you a year ago.  Your hair is so cute and flattering, love your glasses, they are actually fashion, not just function, you have beautiful teeth, your skin is flawless.  I just wish you could see what others see. If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
 
… if it bothers you so much why don’t you do something about it …

Good morning Bettie,
When I met you you did not look at all like the person that I read about in your description of yourself, sure like the rest of many us, myself included, you carry more weight than one needs; but your appearance is way way far from a person that should not be seen in public or one that should just hide, much different than the one you describe, and for some reason the one you seem to want others to see.
Hopefully you will see my pep talk and the support I am trying to provide when I too say, "why don’t you do something about it "; not about the extra pounds of weight that you carry, you actually strive to do something about that so that is not what I am talking about, I am talking about the weight that you carry in your thoughts — do something about it, let it go.
Carole says to "Name it and claim it" to claim good things for yourself, this is something positive and is "doing something about it"; all of the "Dr Phil’s" that offer the advice of their profession and training tells us that we control how we allow others see us, being positive in our thought and taking that control is "doing something about it". The philosophers of the world and the founders of the major religions teaches us that we are all beautiful people and capable of good things, learn from the minds of those that have found the truth, and accept the works of your Creator.
For me, I will use what I found here and in my GA meetings, and what I use in making the needed changes in recovery to offer my supporting words; practice the Serenity Prayer – "change the things you can", including a few pounds that hinders your health when needed, but mostly changing your attitude and the way you think about yourself, and the way you try to force others to see you through it — you are loosing that part of the battle anyway, when others that count meet you, they see what Jules, Carole, myself, and many others see, they see a beautiful person.  Use one of the many cliches found in recovery to face those that only have negative or hateful thoughts, "We can’t change the events of life, but we can change how we react to them".  You are working on recovery from a baffling and insidious disease, let the knowledge and strength that you are gaining in this help you in the other aspects of your life as well; this is "doing something about it".
Another little something that you might try, another GA cliche, "fake it till you make it; get the passport photo taken at Walgreen’s and blame any flaws that you insist of finding on them being a cheep photographer, not you being a bad subject.  The Government accepts this poor work, and that is the one and only thing that the photo is for.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Smile and think good thoughts.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Thanks guys,
I am better emotionally today. Thanks for the kind words. I feel foolish being upset by a picture but it goes much deeper than that. I think I have some morffed self image. Most people would see that in the mirror, I see it in pictures. I feel like I look like Peter Griffin-the bloated dad on the adult cartoon "Family Guy". The key here is not to let this negatativity detour me from my goals. The "it’s a lost cause" feeling is destructive. I am glad I am off work because I would have called off today. I woke to insulin reaction – again-today at 6am. I am having other girlie stuff going on and I will spare you the detail.
Time to have some coffee and start the day over.
bettie

[trulyshi]

Sorry to hear you’re not having a great day.  I’m home from work today too, emotional stress and I’m brain dead.  Hope you get some rest and stay off your feet for a bit.  You are a lovely lady, inside and out – and don’t you forget it!!  Deb

[bettie]

Today had been yet another trial. Carole I must really love you to have put myself through yet ANOTHER photo session!lol!
I went to the post office, birth certificate and photo in hand. The clerk told me 1. the photo has glare and needs to be redone. 2. my birth certificate is not valid for a passport! Back in 2001 when I got mine they just listed name, date of birth and place of birth. They now require a copy of the origional with your parents name. OK deep breath. I had to go to the court house and get a new birth certficate (and pay a new fee!) Now I see my mom, as per her usual self, didn’t list her legal name so now I have to redo the application I had already filled out. I called my friend and told him his picture was no good-he says I told you to take your glasses off- I said yea but you didn’t tell me why! So back to get ANOTHER picture. I told him just take it, I don’t even want to look at it. He told me to stop being silly and he took the picture. Now the post office stops doing passport applications at 3 so I have to go to my local city hall before 4:30 pm so I just made it. The application is in the mail ( and so is the check-lol~)! They say 4-6 weeks but the clerk said she got hers in 2 weeks so we will see.
I took the 2 extra 2×2 photos and taped them to my fridge with a note," Stay out of the fridge!" Maybe I will get inspired to stay away from snacking if I have to look at those when I open the door or at a mininum get used to seeing myself in photos.
bettie

[desdemona]

Of course you love me Bettie!! I love you!! Always and forever!! Way to go on the passport application getting completed and mailed away. You did something really productive today! Carole

[bettie]

I have decited that todays picture was worse than yesterdays. I have also decided that my friend is a lousy photographer. I told him so when he called me tonight. He laughed and so did I , and he said I could blame him if that made me feel better. He also said I need to learn to love myself, Gee, where have I heard that before??

[غير معروف]

If it’s any consolation, I have heard that they don’t even use the photo you send in  (correct me if I’m wrong). They just match it to your drivers license photo to make sure they’re the same person and use that one.  So, they’ll just use your crappy drivers license photo anyway. Feel any better?  🙂 If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[finding_laura]

Good morning Bettie,
I’ve had a terrible first few days of vacation. I’m exhausted and not in the best humour but will spare you the details! Now I am hoping to spend the next few days relaxing! So the whole passport picture thing. I don’t think anyone likes their passport photo. Mine is brutal. I think the requirements ensure that every little imperfection is magnified. I absolutely love Larry’s advice to you above and it is advice that a lot of us could take to heart. I am trying to deal with an unhealthy attitude or use of food. I’m almost certain i’m a sugar addict. And I’m in a cycle of binging at the moment. I am trying to use all that i have learned in Gambling addiction recovery. A work in progress!!!!
Enjoy using that passport when it arrives 🙂
xo Laura

[bettie]

Go ahead and laugh at me Jules- I LIKE my drivers license photo-lol! I do believe they take the photo u send-otherwise the glare would not matter.
Laura i wish you the best for the rest of your time off. I know I will be upset with myself if I don’t get rid of this mood and enjoy the rest of my time!
bettie

[trulyshi]

Glad you’re out and about on your vacation time.  I went out for dinner last night too.  I decided to be bad so ended up at MacDonald’s.  The cravings for a quarter pounder with cheese did me in so I treated myself.  No more pity party for this girl, I’m tired of being a victim – it’s time for me now.  If someone doesn’t want to take me out for a planned dinner then I’ll be darned if I’m going to beg – I’m just going to take myself.  When someone says to me that people can’t change it just makes me laugh.  I have changed sooooooo much in the last few months that I don’t even know myself.  Anyways, enough about me – have a great last weekend off before returning to work (sorry, didn’t mean to remind you) and I’ll talk to you soon.  Debbie

[finding_laura]

hi Bettie,
sorry i missed you too! I was miss in demand this morning for some reason. I was out in my garden early trying to get everything in before the rain. I just made it. Have some planters left to do but that can wait til next nice day. I have no idea why you have a headache, where was i suppose to read. I think I”m social media challenged! Hope you had a good evening out. I’ll try and pop on in a few hours after my supper. Will check for you then. xo Laura

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!!  Just wanted to pop in and see how you are doing.   I finally bought a new computer, so here I am.  I am doing well.  Trying to catch up with everyone!!  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Sorry I missed you laura-the garden sounds lovely! Good to see u posting lizbeth-I think of you often.
I got invited out for the weekend by the fwb-a first for him. Little did I know that these "friends" didn’t know about his seperation-and even though he came with me he didn’t want it appear that we were a couple. He made a point of being "friendly" with every woman there-and having more than a few drinks I guess I said more than a few things to him about it. Long story short I thought I had a good time but seems a made a big idiot out of myself. The best part is I was dancing early on and twisted my knee. Now I have to figure out what to ware to work as I think pantyhose are out of the question because you have to be able to bend to put them on.
I have to end this self destructive behaviour. I am finding myself very codependent on this jerk yet again. What the heck is wrong with me?
bettie

[finding_laura]

(((((((((((((((((( B ))))))))))))))))))))))) I often wonder… how do we stop self destructive behaviour as a whole? Instead of trading one kind for another? Still working on that one myself B. As far as the idiot part, if you mean you made a scene because of the way he treated you at the party, well, better than accepting his awful behaviour. If he invited you he should have been there with you not mixing and mingling on his own the whole night. Hope your first day back to work is bearable.
take care,
Laura

[bettie]

Tx for the hug-I needed one.
Called my Dr and he sent me to an orthopedic. He was able to see me right away. He took an x-ray and no broken bones but based on the pain I may have a tear. I have to call for a MRI. He gave me a shot of cortorzone-OUCH!-and I had to buy a knee brace-insurance will not pay for it!
Work was ok as I had a 2 hour lunch.
Well i need to try to pick up a bit and try to make this appointment. I am afraid this weekend will have a really big pricetag before it’s all said and done.
bettie
 

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Sorry to hear that you injured your knee. You know my thoughts on fwb- friend with no benefit to you. One of these days you’ll be done with him, and you’ll wonder why you let it go on for so long. My weekend wasn’t so hot either. Hubby was in his "let me try and control everything you do," and "I want to push all your buttons and fight with you." I’m happy he’s gone for the next two weeks just to have a break from him. He did leave me a long list of work to do in the rental and I don’t like being told what I need to do. I got my painting supplies ready and am going to paint in my house today. That was also on the list. Luckily for me the sun is shining today or I might just take to my bed and do nothing. Carole

[bettie]

I love Melody Beattie!
This is from one of her books, one i’m going to buy. "52 weeks of Conscious Contact"
I have been contemplating the events of the last few days. I know how this person deals with business and life in general. He does so many things that are not in tune with my own moral values. Why would I only want to see the best in him and expect to find it? He is in denial of his own life and and has a need to keep up a certain front with people. I don’t know why I am just now seeing it! Maybe this will be the time and I will stop "Dancing with the Devil".
MELODY BEATTIE
 
Dancing with the devil is seductive—in work and in
love. It’s an enticing challenge;we want to make somebody
change, treat us right, and give us what we know we
deserve.Not living up to our own values can be seductive
too.“This situation is an exception,”we think.“This time,
the values I believe in don’t really apply.”

It’s easy to look around at the world and think that the
only ones who really make it are the people who lie, cheat,
and steal. Or we see something we really want, and we
believe we can’t get it honestly, so we set our values aside
for a time.

Acknowledging other people’s lack of integrity usually
hurts.At least it stings.By the time we see it,we may be in
over our head.“I’ll just keep dealing with this person,”we
think.“Try and recoup my losses so I don’t lose any more.”
I’m as prone to dancing with the devil as anyone else.
We pay a price each time we do.

Challenge: The hardest part about living with values
can be simple pride. It’s hard to admit that we got conned.
It can be humiliating to admit that we can’t have what
we want, or that we’ve not lived up to our values, or that
we have a lesson to learn because we made a mistake.

Here’s a hint: Learn to take your losses and run.
Do you value integrity in others?

Inventory Focus: Are the people you’re involved with
in business, play, and love living by values that are
harmonious with yours?Are you dancing with the devil
somewhere in your life, either by associating with people
who don’t have integrity, or by not living up to your
personal values?

Guess I got a really big step 4 lession this weekend! Personal inventory!
On another note my MRI is Saturday. My new GA friend called me again today-"Can i do anything for you? How are u feeling? If you need anything just ask-i’m only a phone call away" What A NICE person-shows some intregrity too!
bettie
 

[trulyshi]

All I can say is WOW.  Alot of food for thought there and truisms.  I really like the part about staying with someone because of the investment.  I have alot of time invested in my relationship and no, I don’t want to admit defeat or prove to myself that I’ve lowered my values.  I also think along the lines that I deserve what he dishes out, kind of like self-punishment.  Anyways, thank you for posting that.  I looked for her books at the library and they didn’t have any, so may have to break down and buy one. 
Glad your MRI is scheduled.  Why not let your friend from GA take you and you can buy him breakfast?  Work was hectic for me yesterday, alot of stuff closing.  I’m hoping for a quieter day today but doubt I’m going to get it.  Sure hope your knee is feeling a bit better today.  Take care of yourself twin girl, I’ll talk to you soon.  Deb

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well guess what? My ga friend called and he can’t make the dinner/GA meeting for tomorrow. Family stuff-but so so funny. If you have ever read any of my thread then you know almost anything resembling me and a "date" never work out!
Leg is swolen and throbbing tonight.
Time to pack it in and go to bed.
bettie

[trulyshi]

Doesn’t mean it still can’t happen in the future.  Perhaps there’s a really good reason why he can’t make it tomorrow.  Did he suggest getting together another night?  Did you?  Sorry your knee is still hurting.  I’m not looking forward to the next two work days – alot of stuff closing so alot of paperwork.  My numbers are bad this week too.  I have a GA meeting tonight too but I’m working the late shift, till 6pm.  As long as I don’t have to stay past closing I can make it.  Talk to you soon and rest that knee.  Debbie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
You are right Deb. He said he would call me back later today. Carole thanks for the chat, I needed it.
I am a bit down today. Just trying to clear my head.
Managed 2 loads of wash and making the bed. Something about a fresh bed to sleep in that makes the world seem ok afterall.
tc
bettie

[bettie]

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Maybe anyone reading this weeks posts from me are scratching their heads wondering why I am posting about whats going on in my life and the connection to gambling. Well for me it is HUGE. Feeling like this were the catalist to my gambling in January. The feelings I have about myself, the true hatred when you get down to it, makes me feel like it doesn’t matter if I gamble, I am worthless and unlovable and a big fat jerk! I am blaming myself for what happened now-and I made some foolish choices and did make an *ss of myself. But here’s the flip side. I am not the only person at fault for the things that happened. I always felt the real reason that the "fwb" and I didn’t have a more public relationship was because deep down he didn’t think I measured up. For years he has picked up on my insecurities and used them to his advantage.
I have such a headache. The fact that he knows that I have an injury and he hasn’t called even once to see how i am is really eating at me.( It says a lot about him doesn’t it?)  Maybe thats just what I need, to really really hurt, and reach a "bottom" with this unhealthy and self destructive "relationship". I could get out of the hole I am in-if I stop digging.
Well it’s time to dress and go to work. I need to go to my meeting tonight but do not feel that I could even scratch the surface of whats been going on. I am just tired of being me this week.
bettie

[finding_laura]

Hi Bettie,
I posted to you this morning, not sure how it didn’t “stick”… But wow new food for thought. I will be on tomorrow, will set my clock to make sure I don’t pull a sleep in. Sounds like some pretty deep feelings are being acknowledged…. Sometimes I get tired of being me too….. I hear ya xo B, sounds like maybe there can be some movement now though. Talk soon, good vibes being sent your way.
Laura

[trulyshi]

Thinking of you gf, call anytime.  I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.  Debbie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I should be sleeping-I just called off work. Coughing all night and sick to my stomach to boot!
I had a great meeting last night and got a phone call when I got home. My ex sponser called-and she really helped me see more clearly the reality of this past weeks events.
I am greatfull to all of you for your support during this rough patch. Kathryn and Laura your advice has not fallen on deaf ears and my eyes are wide open now too.
Just like gambling we swear over and over I am done and I won’t do this again. Well I think the line was finally crossed and I now have sight where I was so pitfully blind. I will never be touched again by a hand that does not love me. I deserve better.
bettie

[غير معروف]

Amen!  Yes…..YOU deserve BETTER!  Bettie, you cannot move on to a new healthy relationship, until you get rid of the old UNHEALTHLY one.  You are such a strong, caring, independent woman.  Take a really close look at him and his behaviors…what kind of a man and human being he is…..a really close look.  Is this the type of man you would want for your daughter?  Your sister?  Your friend?  If not, then you don’t want him for you either!  Say good ridance and move on to a better life!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[غير معروف]

hi bettie i have read the first 3 pages of your thread and also the last page, and i think you are an amazing person, i don’t have the words to say how i see you, you are just great, i can see how that shines through in each of your posts. your friendliness and strength are admirable. i can’t believe all those people who wrote on this thread 2 years ago, not many have stayed around i noticed names i haven’t read before. i am proud of you, and the way you think so clearly and succintly is a wonderful attribute. so never put yourself down too much, occasionally we all do that, but we have to process whatever is distorting our perception and get rid of toxic relationships but mostly toxic emotions. i developed a mental illness in my late teens, and have always felt distant or not apart of any group of people, never felt i belong or fit in anywhere. but i try to lean on mentally strong and healthy people, because at the end of the day that is all i have, and nobody is perfect least of all me. it feels good to be able to trust someone who respects you so long as you respect yourself. my fantasy is to be normal oneday, however i know in this body i can never be that. so i highly admire people with healthy minds like yourself. may you live to see the dawn. i need help

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I was wondering how the MRI went today. Do you have to wait for results? Sometimes they will tell you there if you’re like me, and ask what the technician thinks is showing or not showing. Did a bunch of painting today and my granddaughter and I went for breakfast at suppertime, and picked up a few things I needed at Walmart. Carole

[trulyshi]

Could only find one Melody Beattie book at the library, it’s called The New Codependency.  I can order other books by her from the other libraries so I’ll do that after reading this one.  Just watched an excellent movie and am going to crash pretty soon.  Thinking of you, and liking what you’re saying.  Stay strong, Deb

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
A little late but Happy Fathers Day!
Had a nice time at my sisters-where i as called to duty to do 4 haircuts! Oh well, I don’t mind too much just wish I knew more hairdressers-better to know one than to be one-lol~!
Deb I am sure anything by Melody is inspirational and wonderful.
Carole I didn’t ask and I did look at the disk-it ment nothing to me but it was very cool.
Need to relax a bit-kind of over did it. The strained knee is achey but the left knee-the one with the giant bruse behind it-had a bit of a burning pain and is ichy. It’s healing but I look like I had the cr*p beat out of me!
My niece will have her c-section and deliver a baby sister to her 2 year old. My gosh when I got to GT I wasn’t a Great Aunt yet-and this time around-NO PROBLEM buying a gift!
Yet another thing to be greatful for.
bettie
 

[desdemona]

Sorry Bettie, I’m not following you when you say you didn’t ask and that you looked at the disc and that it meant nothing to you. What disc?? Carole

[bettie]

Hey Carole,
I got a copy of the MRI – it’s on a dvd. There are two different views of the knee-and u can click through every stage of the MRI. The Dr  showed me the minnicus-i know i can’t spell-in the office on a fake knee but I can’t locate it in the pictures. Guess I will have to wait for the Dr’s report.
bettie

[bettie]

Its a mixed bag of things today.
My niece is safely delivered, 8lb 9 0z Anya, sister to Elise. God Bless my nieces!
My Brother in Law lost his job again!
My Dr called and left a messege for me to call him. I did, he was busy, said the Nurse would call back, that was 1 1/2 hours ago. I called the office again and they are closed!
Oh well, guess I will find out tomorrow.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I’m sure that Sandra Gams5 from SH won’t mind what I "borrowed" from her post.
Good info to know!
bettie
    This is a few of the symptoms I felt over the course of ending gambling .I found it helpful for me ,when thinking I was off the WAll in emotions , feelings , irrational thoughts – To understand where I was coming from, I read this : without this information I would have thought I was going insane ; but it was part of the process out of the Cycle Of Hell I was leaving Behind and Each time I went back out after 1 bet was placed the Cycle re ignited and I felt these symptoms anew.
 "And since I don’t like these symptoms at all , I don’t place a bet of any kind. The actual laying of the bet , was not the killer, it was the leading up to and the leaving behind THE BET -that Slayed me.
———————————————————- 
 
 

Withdrawal Symptoms
 
 
As with other addictions, withdrawal symptoms often occur. Among the most common are:

Anger and verbal abuse, sometimes extreme*

A feeling of emptiness

Depression

Relief

A disruption in sleep pattern

Fantasies and dreams about the game

The urge to go back to gaming and try to control the time played

Thinking about the game for extended periods of time

Uncontrollable feelings or rampant mood swings

Excessive crying

Anxiety

Fear

Irritability or restlessness

Sadness

Loneliness

Boredom/inability to find an activity of interest

Lack of motivation/direction

Excessive amounts of time spent sleeping

Nausea

Difficulty facing obligations, procrastination

Feeling as though a return to gaming will make you feel better

Physical illness – colds, allergies

Restless, unfulfilling, taunting dreams

 

[hockey]

Congratulations Auntie Bettie! I am an ‘Uncle Simon’ too!
I haven’t read your most recent story but it’s great that it sounds like you are getting a lot out of GA. I hope things are going well with you.

[finding_laura]

Morning Bettie,
I”m finishing up my holidays. Did doc say whether you need surgery to fix knee or will it get better with physio and TLC? I barely made it 5% of what I wanted to accomplish while i was off. But i’m better organized than I was when i went off. Your borrowed post above is good info, for anyone fighting any addiction, I like the way it is specific to gambling addiction though, good reminder of what i don’t want to go through again. Catch you soon.
Laura xo

[lizbeth4]

HiBettie!  Thanks for your post . I’m feeling alot more postivie today regarding Hubby’s health. Quitting smoking is really hard!!!  I still have days when I’m craving one.  I don’t know if men gain weight when they quit?  Probably not!!!  LOL!!!  Have a good day!!! Seize all the good things in life

[trulyshi]

Whew, thank you for posting those withdrawal sypmtoms Bettie.  Nice to know I’m just not certifiably insane.  Deb

[bettie]

 
Hi Guys,
Some good info I found-we had a few questions about co dependency so maybe this wil explain a bit.
I see the orthopedic dr tomorrow-talked to my GP today. Not good news. My knee is full of arthritis-and there is a tear. I will know what the course of action should be tommorrow.
Thw FWB called today. I didn’t pick up.
bettie
 Characteristics of Co – dependency
 
Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of co- dependency
 
1         My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
2         My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
3         Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems / relieving your pain.
4         My mental attention is focused on you
5         My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
6         My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way
7         My self –esteem is boistered by solving your problems.
8         My self –esteem is boistered by relieving your pain.
9         My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spendt sharing your hobbies/interests.
10     Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desire and I feel you are a reflection of me.
11     Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
12     I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
13     I am not aware of what I want- I ask what you want. I am not aware-I assume.
14     The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
15     My fear ofrejectio determines what I say or do.
16     My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
17     I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
18     My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
19     I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
20     I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
21     The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Congratulations on your new baby niece. I love the name. Yikes the results of your MRI don’t sound good. Hopefully you won’t have to have surgery. I read the characteristics of co-dependency. I could not say yes to even one of them. So if I’m not co-dependent and am only financially dependent, then what do you call that? So proud of you for not picking up that phone when the friend with no benefit to you phoned. et us all know when you find out what treatment options you have. Carole

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
 
Some good info …
 

Good morning Bettie,
It is good to read the good news about you new niece, even if squeezed in between your problems and struggles with illness and life’s everyday misfortunes; someone earlier posted that "just because you are in recovery doesn’t mean that you cat will not be ran over" — life goes on and we adapt and deal with things in a more normal and rational way.
For some reason, hopefully just being over concerned and caring, I see your digging up the topic of "Symptons of Relapse", and your posting some "good info" about codependency as showing  that you are in need of encouragement and are searching for ways to overcome your recent setbacks so as to not just strike out willy-nilly in search of relieve through gambling. Stay strong, use the wisdom in the articles that you have made the effort to go back and find, keep this type of positive actions in the foreground; and not only reread them to make it fresh in your mind, deal with the symptoms that relate to you and eliminate the need to react in any negative ways whenever they pop up before you have to look back at another bad choice. Be preemptive, not reactive.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware. Act in positive ways.
Larry

Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.– 6/20/2012 6:20:15 PM: post edited by paul315.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I am in a really p*ssy mood. Maybe the heat, maybe the Dr appointment keeping me waiting to give me info that really could have been discussed over the phone. Seems my GP overreacted-there is NOT a tear but a birth defect in my knee. Whatever. He says I have arthritis and wants me to go to physical therapy and see him in 2 months. After telling me that he said wait for the nurse for rx for a pain med and script for the physical therapy. At $30 a session there is no financial way I can go for 2 months. I might go to 1 or 2 and then do it on my own
Someone nicked the door on my car! B*stards!
The fwb called 2x today. That is stressing me. My co dependent behaviors are screaming at me-pick up-you’re making him mad! What the h*ll? I am nothing to him, invisable really, so why oh why would I want to pick up? I am really sick.
Thanks for your posts.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Well thank goodness it’s not a tear in your knee, so you won’t have to have surgery. Our doctors here are so quick to tell people they need physio because it’s covered through our provincial health care. You could go to one session and then ask for sheets of how to do the exercises. It’s always upsetting when someone damages your new vehicle. I had a huge rock chip in my windshield within a week of getting it. I understand it’s really tough not to pick up the phone when someone calls that you think you care about, even if the relationship is extremely toxic to you. Couldn’t you block the main numbers he calls you from and not answer the phone when you don’t recognize the number? Turn off your answering machine for a time so he can’t leave a message. Barriers just like for quitting gambling. Mentally prepare yourself in case he shows up at your work place as to what you will say and do. You need to recover from this guy too. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I wish it was that easy Carole. I can’t block his number on this new phone I bought. He never calls my house phone so I can turn the cell off in the evening and not worry about getting a call from him. I think it may be all setteled by now anyway. I sent him a text pitcure of the bruse on my leg and the phone calls have stopped. Maybe guilt or fear, who knows. I am tired of thinking about all of it, my mind has been obsessed with this for over 10 days now and it is just eating me up so enough is enough.
Went to a new meeting last night. Funny how they are all a bit different. I cried like a baby-just talking about things in general. Still looking for a new sponser. It is odd how few people have worked the steps.
I am tired today but need to leave early and get some bloodwork done.
bettie

[cat438]

Bettie, just catching up on how things are with you. I have to thank you for posting the Co-dependency as I can relate so much to a number of them.  It seems strange, no matter your age, or if you are married or not married or even how long we can suffer from co-dependency.  I notice so much of myself in there it is scarey.  I have been working on finding myself lately. I used to laugh when kids said that.  And here I am 60 years old and I am trying to discover who I am.  Kind of funny really. How you lose yourself because you try to do everything your partner wants.  You try to change to be the person they want you to be.  I am slowly working on finding me in this journey.  I am learning to say no I don’t want to do something.  I am learning that I am important too. I could go on, but I won’t on your page. 
Bettie, don’t answer the phone to your FWB you are worth so much more than him, and deserve to be treated like the wonderful person you are.  Sorry about your knee.  Also, about your new car, that is just the sh___ when things like that happen.  I just thought of something don’t know if this make sense or not, but lets chose not to be victims.
 One day at a time my sweet lord…

[finding_laura]

Good morning Bettie,
I had a sleep in this morning, working a night shift so don’t go in til much later. I’ve been in a terrible mood the past couple days as well.  One son has finally made it through the teenage years and the other is starting to really get under my skin.  My oldest pointed out that at least this is the last one I have to go through! Thank God cause he’s managed to make my blood boil several times in the last 3 days. 
Well B, I started this earlier this morning and just had the day get away from me with other things. Catch you tomorrow if you are around.   xo Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hey Cat-yes we are too good to be victims. In some cases of negative behaviours-gambling, bad relationships-we do have a choise.
Laura going back to work will do that to you! I didn’t make it for my bloodwork today-well I did but they were too busy to stay-so I have to go tomorrow. I may not make it on at all but I will try.
Had a couple remarks made to me about not wanting to pay $30 a visit for physical therapy. While it is true that in the scheme of things I would have spent that in 10 minutes in a casino, I would have also done a cash advance on a credit card to do it. For most CG a financial recovery happens fast but in a one income household and tackling a car payment-well you get the picture. My friend questioned why I was only doing 1 meeting a week and it’s the same thing. "Well u found time to gamble"- Yea-on Wednesdays and Saturdays. I guess It upsets me when my motatives are questioned. I make a sacrafice to go to one weekly meeting-I work full time and it is hard to manage my meds and meal times and workouts when I am gone from home 12 hours on that meeting day.I make what time I can and I am not asking for a reward or a pat on the back. I guess I resent being questioned. Oh well, another for the step 4 list!
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! We don’t owe anyone an explanation unless we want to give one. You have only one person to be accountable to and that’s you. You are a busy girl and I think it’s admirable that you do go to a GA meeting weekly. I have decided that I am no longer going to attend GA as my granddaughter comes to stay with me, starting Thursdays after she is finished her 4 shifts of fulltime hours. My granddaughter needs me more right now. My main form of support is GT, and I find I get all the support I could need here. Is your knee feeling less painful? Carole 

[trulyshi]

Hey girl, first day of vacation here and I’m hoping it doesn’t go by too fast.  Hope your knee is better.  I think sometimes it’s easier for people to look at your picture and offer critisms and advice than it is for them to look at their own.  Do what you can and what makes you happy, you know what you can afford – not only financially but time wise.  I think you are doing terrific.  Talk soon, Deb

[sherry123]

Some people give their unwanted opinions and remarks too freely.  They need to look at themselves because they have plenty of renovation that needs to be done within.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!  Hope your knee gets better soon!!  As for peoples unwanted remarks and opinons, they don’t walk in your shoes. They need to worry about they’re own lifes first.  Take care!!! Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I got quite a suprise tonight. My bell rang and it was the Fedex delivery guy, My cousin mentioned she bought me something. I could not imagine what in the world it could be. It was a painting-a retro print of the funnest cat face and it says "Bossy Kitty" cat food-feed me now! Resistance is futile! It’s already hung in my kitchen near the spot where I feed the cats. I am the crazy cat lady-except my cats are in various non living forms. I have TV cat lamps, figurines, pictures and wall hanging. My brother made me a knick nack shelf. Cats! lol~I never realized how many I have.
So I had nothing really to do after work and I did my best to stay busy. I went to my daughters and worked the garden a bit and cut the grass. I need tomato cages. I took the grand dogs for a walk and let them run the yard while I worked there. I came home and took a pain pill then worked out. Yes my knee is so much better-almost as good as before I injured it. I took all the meat that has been in the freezer for a while and cooked it on the grill. Chicken thighs, 2 steaks, 4 hambugers, an ear of corn, baked potato and mushrooms. My neighbor asked if I was having a party. I told him no, just me and the cats and I was extra hungry tonight!
I cleaned the kitchen and I’ve had a shower, shave-lol-plucked my eyebrows and polished my nails.
For a brief moment I fely very sorry for myself because I feel alone, the perfect excuse to run to the casino for an escape. The stupid thoughts this sick mind has. I had plenty of options-I have a phone list, my brother, my sister, my daughter, any number of people I could have shared my feast with but I chose to be alone. Isolated. I don’t feel like socalizing. My only really close gf has a bf now-I rarely see her. I am jelious. She held out after a really toxic relationship and now she has Mr Right. It took 2 years. Do I even have that much time left? I wonder about that.
bettie

[desdemona]

My dear Bettie! There are people older than you and not as cute as you leaving relationships. You just have to make room for someone nice and kind in your life by getting rid of Mr. Super Toxic! I have always told my granddaughter to marry for nice as it lasts a whole lot longer. Someone once said that in order to meet a Mr. Right, we had to be a Miss Right. So in the meantime, while you wait for Mr. Nice, keep doing healthy things for yourself like working in the garden and yard at your daughter’s, and anything else that will serve you well in the future. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes Carole I know u are right. Your Granddaughter is so fortunate to have you.
Well lots of family drama going on. My brother in law has lost his job yet again. My sister is 2 months behind on the mortgage. My mom has decited that she will not bail them out-even though that means that she will loose her home too. She has it in her head that she will buy yet another house for my oldest brother and go live with him. It’s time for a family pow wow. My oldest brother-who is a moocher and is now getting dissability payments-is willing to go right along with with it. The problem is that he will not be able to care for her long and she is going to wind up in a nursing home. My mom keeps going on and on how awful and lazy my brother in law is and how awful he is to her. She thinks it’s all about HER. Well all things being equal if thats what she really wants then so be it. It frustrates me. My 2nd oldest brother and I agreed to forgo any type of inherdence as long as my mom was taken care of. We are the only two kids that never received any money from my Dad’s estate. It hurts in a way. Any time I ever borrowed a penny repayment was expected and always received. It feels like she always loved everyone else more than me,( my mother believes money equals love) I was expected to fend for myself. I know in a lot of ways she did me a favor because I can take care of myself but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel slighted-and I need to let that go.I am trying not to let this affect me yet I believe thats almost impossible. I know this is not about me-but I want to help. I would love it if my sister would try to work a deal with my deceased neighbors brother. The selling price for his condo is now almost 1/2 of what I owe on my condo-but he would have to do some kind of seller financing as they would not qualify for a loan. The wheels are turning in my head.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! You have enough on your plate without getting involved in all that family chaos and drama. We’ve talked about what your Mom is like and she is very much like my Mother. Never happy and excuses why everything won’t work for her, when suggestions are made. I would let the chips fall where they may. Someone said that unless you were involved in creating the situation, you bear no responsibility in cleaning up the mess. Your Mom is never going to change and it doesn’t sound like the arrangement with your brother on disability is going to last, but if she chooses to do that, she is choosing the consequences of that decision. Your brother-in-law seems to lose and find jobs regularly. As mothers we tend to help our children that need it the most. It’s not that we favor that child or love any of them less. I don’t love my other grandkids any less than I do the 18 year old. it’s just that she needs my attention and concern more because it is a matter of life and death with her. You are right that you are going to have to let this go with your mother, and it’s not near impossible. You just have to make the decision and if those feelings crop up, then let it go over and over again. It doesn’t serve you well to hang onto that Bettie. Maybe you would have gambled that money away anyways. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well a funny thing happened today. I called my sister and we talked for about 2 hours. She is going through so much. Being torn between your mother and your husband would not be nice for anyone. I called to my brothers house to see if my oldest brother was there. I wanted to see if he wanted to go downstate. My brother said why don’t you come over and bring some antacid as we need to talk about whats going on. Funny how his mind was right where my mind was today.
I went, we all talked. My suggestion for assisted living was voted down. In the US-maybe everywhere-if you are a trouble maker they can kick you out even after you have given them your life savings. My oldest brother is willing to take care of her if there is no other soloution. My 2nd oldest brother was very upset. He had planned to camp this weekend but his heart was not in it. He cried when he said he felt really bad for my sister-and doesn’t know how she has managed to get even this far. We agreed that mom should not bail them out at this point because it is throwing good money after bad. They have not been able to get any assistance with the upside down mortgage because they have managed to pay on time-up in till now. Its a strange goverment program that won’t help until you are almost on the street but it is what it is.
My brother has agreed to join me for the trip. His son lives there and I will stay at a hotel for a couple days. I want to pick up my nieces and go do something with them. I told my brother that maybe mom would want to come too and she was welcome. I found out later in the day her response was-well SHE could not AFFORD it. See Carole she is a twin to your mom for sure!
My sister came over for a swim and my 2nd oldest brother joined us. The conversation continued about mom. We told her that we all have to handle mom a bit differently. She is agatated and scared. We assured my sister that mom would not be homeless-and she needed to be reassured about that. I told my sister that it would take time to forclose on her and she needed to work now any possible relief that was available.
All in all I have had a pretty full and busy day. Everything is in the open. That alone takes the pressure off. I so wanted to tell my brother my "secret"-that I am a CG. I had  second thoughts as seeing his tears about my sister really made me feel he had taken on enough for now. He has become the "head of the family". One day I will share that-not to burden him with worry-but to let him know that I am firm in my recovery, and that I am OK.
peace
bettie

[trulyshi]

That is so nice that your siblings can all get together and talk about things.  My sister and brother are alot older than me.  I haven’t seen either one of them in years.  When my mom died it seems like the family ties died with her.  I have no desire to be close to them since I never have been and what you don’t have you don’t miss.  Your mom is lucky to have all of you, I can only hope that my kids will be there for me in my old age.  I’m going to go back to bed now and try to sleep, I’ve got insomnia again tonight.  Seems when I lay down and try to sleep my brain turns on and starts replaying things from the day and then I end up getting upset and sleep is gone.  Anyways, I’ve fought down the gambling urges tonight so will try sleep again.  Deb

[bettie]

Well Guys-Good news!
What? How can that be? Am i reading betties thread??? lol~
I had a dr appointment today. My Dr asked me what I had been doing. I told him about stopping the 2nd insulin, working out and feeling better. He told me he really didn’t know what I needed him for-my blood work is the best that it’s been in over a year. I’m down 18 pounds, blood pressure is good and my A1c is 7.6-down 2 whole points in 2 months. (that measures sugar control – non diabetics measure below 6.5)  He told me when I stay motovated that I can do anything-and he wishes all his diabetic patients were doing as well as I am. I am very pleased-as I really struggeled to regain control once I lost it. A lot like gambling-when we do what we know to do and use the tools we have been given we get closer and closer to a normal, happy life.
No time for complacency now. I think I am going to change into my gym shoes and take a nice long walk.
I feel good!
bettie
 

[desdemona]

Wow Bettie! Great things happening in your life the few days. Great that you and you siblings were able to get together and talk about family issues. Also great that you have your diabetes under control and the weight loss- way to go! The storm has passed. Carole

[غير معروف]

Way to go girl!!!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

Hey Jules-
U owe me a visit. The pool was great yesterday!
Wish u were here~
bettie

[sherry123]

Bettie, you are getting your life and your health under control.  Way to take charge!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!!  It’s soo awesome that you are getting your health under control.  Way to go!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[غير معروف]

I may be able to do that soon in my car Bettie!  500.00 this past week for tires and a new brake drum.  Next is new pads and a tune up.  I’ve been real sick with a migraine (2 days now).  Ended up in the emergency room yesterday.  Now, the morphine they gave me is making me so sick.  AND, I still have the migraine.  Ugh!   18 pds is awesome!! keep it going!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
good to hear that your hard work and continued efforts are paying off in your improved health! I’m happy that your family is pulling together in support of your sister. Keep up the great work Bettie I’m proud of you xo Laura

[bettie]

Thanks guys!
I am pooped out and going to bed!
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Thanks for being there for me tonight. I’m excited!! Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Had to chuckle at your post Carole. Someone who doesn’t know us might take that the wrong way! LOL!!!! It’s good to start the day with a chuckle!
Well the vacation time that had no plans is now packed full of stuff to do.
I’m taking my Mom and brother downstate with me for a visit with my nieces and nephew. I have contacted some entended family for a visit too. Mother will be told that certain subjects are taboo and unless she wants our visits cut short she will be on good behaviour! lol! One of my nieces will come back with me and spend 10 days here. We will come back Tuesday as I want to be home for the 4th. After that the tentative plan is to camp the following weekend.
2 more working days and I am out of here! Yea!!
Thanks for the encouragement on all fronts. I need it and I truely apprecatate it! ( even if I can’t spell it! )
peace
bettie  

[desdemona]

Good for you Bettie for getting away from your usual routine and going visiting. Road trips are usually fun. Hope your Mom doesn’t complain too much. You sound like the parent and Mom the child. "If Mom, you do A, then B will happen." By the time you read this, you’ll just have one more day of work before your trip, with your new car. I’m feeling a bit better but do need to get motivated to do some work like painting or cleaning. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes my mother is extreamly child like and will be treated as such. I don’t want to have to keep repeating the Serenty Prayer as a Mantra but I will if necessary.
I got my passport today! Yea! The picture-well-I think people will look at it and say Gee-you look so much better in person-lol!
Saw my great neices today. The 2 year old needed her bangs trimed. She said Aunt buney is a princess-I went there straight from work and had a dress on. Her mom said anyone in a dress is a princess in her opinion. I had on a headband and I told her that was my crown. She took off my watch and necklace and put it on herself. So So cute! The new baby is still sleeping most of the time but that will change soon enough. My niece already has her on a pretty good schedule. She is such a good mom. I remember when She was a little girl, my sister and I both divorced and raised our girls together. Time truely does fly. I can barely remember Jen at that age.
I took a swim when I got home. I remember that was a big factor in picking this condo complex. Free pool for the girls. I think this is only the 2nd time in 18 years that I have swam by myself, not a soul in there but me. Warm evening, cool pool, all to myself. Sometimes life is good like that.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I’m so excited that you got your passport. I am going to show you my passport picture. You will laugh as I went to a "professional" studio and my picture has a piece of my hair sticking straight up.  I kid you not! It’s embarrasing to have to use it, and I usually say to the airport people that judging from my passport picture, I do need a vacation.  What was I thinking using a picture like that? I was probably in a hurry to get to the casino at the time, so wouldn’t have asked the lady to reshoot it. I am totally exhausted from painting for almost 8 hours today. Nothing to eat, little to drink, just like my gambling "career." Nope, nothing compulsive about me! Your 2 year old niece sounds like such a sweetheart. I wish every little girl could feel like a princess growing up. Wish you and i could have. Carole 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yea Carole, if u remember just right my passport photo is from a "professional" also! I should have paid the $15 bucks and had it done at the drug store!
U know some people refer to themselves as a  "Greatful Recovering Compulsive Gambler". I think I am finally starting to see what they mean.
If not for recovery I would have continued to "live" the cg life. No friends, no family, nothing to look foward to. Do you think I would have ever gotten a passport? For what? I wasn’t ever going anywhere. I am thrilled to have made the good friends that I have met here. For that I am truly greatful!
bettie

[trulyshi]

A passport is the next thing on my list to take care of.  It’s going to be a hot one today, supposed to hit 100 here.  Wish I had your pool today, I’d be sitting in the middle of it and not getting out.  Have a great day kiddo, Deb

[finding_laura]

Good morning B,
Love your last couple posts! I love happy endings, like an i’m going to be all alone with nothing to do vacation to one that is now packed full of adventures. Not sure which is more adventuresome either… heading out on the open road, wohooo road trip, or dealing with some of the parties or their moments! I agree with Carole whole heartedly, every little girl should be able to feel like a princess. Every child should feel cherished. Glad you had an awesome swim and got to feel like a princess with your great niece. Have a great day!
Laura

[chubbycat]

Hi Bettie, I haven’t been around much but i wanted to say hi and was looking at your latest posts which show me you are doing great and in a good frame of mind. Good one Bettie, hope to see you for a chat some time.
Chubbycat

[sherry123]

Bettie, your great neice sounds delightful. I love little girls and have been blessed with 4 granddaughters. Your story made me smile with happiness.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!  Your great niece sounds awesome!!  Kids are soo precious!!!  Take care!!  P.S. My passport picture is terrible!!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Storming here tonight. Tired as heck! I still have not packed and I need to get up real early tomorrow. No chat for me. I hope to be on the road at 5:30 am so I need to get moving.
I am bring my PC and will be checking in!
Be Good!!
lol~
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!!  Have a good trip! Seize all the good things in life

[trulyshi]

Hey girl, we’re hoping for a storm here so it will take the edge off this constant heat.  I hope you have a wonderful start to your vacation.  Let your hair down and enjoy yourself.  Missing you, Deb

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just checking in. Hot today. So far so good. Saw one of my nieces and sister in law. Mom is on good behaviour -so far-lol.
Larry my brother said Merle Haggard ( Along with Dwight Yokum-my favorite ) will be playing the state fair here this year. I won’t make it but maybe your plans will bring you here.
Deb my hair is a humid wreck!
bettie 

[trulyshi]

Look at you, just gone for one weekend and your hair’s a mess and you screwed up your knee again.  Girl, you need to stay home, put your feet up and rent a movie, lol.  Hope you’re havin fun.  Deb

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
 
… Larry my brother said Merle Haggard ( Along with Dwight Yokum-my favorite ) will be playing the state fair here this year. I won’t make it but maybe your plans will bring you here …

Good morning Bettie,
Thanks for the info but I will probably be "A thousand miles from nowhere" during that time. Merle was just here in St Louis again last week; the "old man from the mountain", seems to be getting around just as much at 75 as when he was younger. I didn’t make that show either, unlike him I am too old to run around like I used to, but every time I see anything about him I think back at the time that he didn’t make the show I went to see in Mississippi (Tunica, the Vegas of the Memphis area). Again, thanks for the support you gave me that night, it goes to show that reaching out before making a mistake is far better than reaching out after one (and thanks GT for the all night chat room that we were able to use that night).
And Bettie, in comparing the temperatures between here and Chicago, you don’t know squat about hot; it has been hovering between 102 – 109 F for the last 4 days and is expected to stay that way until next Monday – the mere 90’s would be a welcome. 
God’s speed. Stay strong.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Hey Larry- I’m in Southern Illinois till tuesday-I know of the heat that you speak about. Preview of Hell?- I think I better get it togetherand fly right!!
Deb maybe it’s the shoes! Same ones I had on the first time I twisted my knee. Time for a new pair!
Having a fish fry with my Sister in Law tonight. Home tomorrow.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I’m assuming things are OK with your Mom as you haven’t mentioned her much. What kind of fish are you frying up? My favorite is walleye/pickerel. Sorry to hear you twisted your knee. It’s scorching hot here as well. I was having coffee on my verenda today, in a shaded spot, and it was too hot to stay outside. I’m doing laundry and cleaning my house today, with lots of breaks. Hubby leaves today but right now he is out weed eatering in this heat, and is having trouble with his breathing due to COPD. I insisted he not do anything today but he’s going to do his own thing, even if he lands up in emerg due to his breathing. Sounds like you’re having a really good roadtrip. Hubby, granddaughter, and I went to watch the fireworks last night. I had bought a bunch of glow sticks so it was fun giving them out to kids. I went in my pj bottoms and a sweatshirt as hubby and I had been watching TV together and hadn’t really felt like going, after working on the property all day, but granddaughter had been looking forward to it. Her parents went out on their boat to watch the fireworks so she could have gone with them, but instead she wanted to go with us. I didn’t want to disappoint her, so we got out of bed and went. The stuff we do for our kids and grandkids!  Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Carole I think it’s catfish-as SIL’s BF caught them Saturday night.
Mother-well she’s still mother. She made a remark about the car not having something or other. I said too bad I was born Beautiful instead of rich-she said yea well too bad you didn’t get either one. Such a sweet loving person-NOT! She was mad at me because we went to Kentucky Fried Chicken and as always she took the breast. There were two pieces left-she could not have eaten another bite-yet she wanted the 2nd breast so there would be no leftovers as I mentioned my brother could take it back for his son..
I’m ready to go home. All in all not a bad trip but it is too hot!
bettie

[desdemona]

"Too bad you didn’t get either!" Even if said as joking manner, it’s mean-spirited. You are both beautiful inside and outwards, and rich in the things that matter. Too bad it’s your mother, or you could have stopped the car at the nearest town that had a bus depot, and seen if she liked riding the bus back home. LOL!  Carole

[bettie]

Hi guys,
She’s a gem in the rough! All the positive reinenforcement a gal could want! If I have to hear one more story about constpatation I’m gonna loose it! lol~~Oh well, I can only change me.
I have been a slug this whole trip. Fried chicken, chicken and dumplings, sister in law picked rasberries and made a scratch pie! Fried catfish to boot! I need to spend the rest of my time off in the gym!
My knee is not too bad but it does ache behind my knee cap.I set myself back a couple weeks.
Funny how I feel so close to my dad and my brother here. This is the area they were both living in when they passed. I see a store or a place we used to go and it brings back happy memories. Drove past my unckles old dary farm. So few of them left now-ghosts of the past, I miss those days.
Home tomorrow.
bettie
 

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Has your boss said anything to your vacation request yet? How’s your knee today? Carole

[bright star]

Hiya Bettie: Just a quick post to let you know I’m thinking of you. Sorry about your sore knee … hope it’s feeling much better today. I thought of you today as I’m sweltering after having done a major clean up at home. Then, my eldest’s son’s buddy came over and his mom mentioned she taught fitness. Maybe it’s a sign Bettie, for me to get off my duff and get moving. Thought I’d start with cleaning up my eating first though. Will let you know how it goes. Fried chicken and dumplings sounds like heaven though … and you deserve it on vacation. You can always hit the pool when you get back. Talk soon. Enjoy the rest of your trip … and just smile when your Mom’s cranky. She had you, she can’t be all bad 🙂 Bright Star.

[sherrie]

I’m sorry for hogging the chat Bettie. I feel like I missed an opportunity to chat with you now. I hardly ever get to catch you in chat.
Take care hun and sorry again.
Sherrie
xoxoxo

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Hey Sherrie-no need for sorry! I got a phone call and I was hoping that maybe a little one on one w/cathie might help u sort things.
Bright Star I have to laugh- My mom has said more than once if she had known about birth control she would have only had 3 kids. Being the 5th child- well-you get the picture! lol!
Carole I will call my boss on Thursday, I just got home and tomorrow is the 4th of July holiday here so the bank is closed. Fingers crossed!
Deb the knee is better-achy but not limping. That did give me a scare.
I have had gambling urges all the way home today. I think the stress of being around my mom and all the life events of late are taking a toll on me. I am good- I don’t plan to act on them. I am very aware just how fragile recovery can be sometimes.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I have a lot on my mind.
I reread my thread last night-from about Oct to present. I remember an email that vera sent me a while back about how my self worth was tied to being -or not being-in a relationship. I reread something Larry had posted to me just before my "slip", about relationships and men who are dogs-and of course he hit the nail on the head.
Being around my mother reminds me of her opinion of me. I am a failure because I divorced a man who abused me. I am a failure because I never found a man to "take care of me". 
Discount anything i may have acheaved in my life or any disadvantage that I have over come. I could have been dependent on public aid, being a highschool dropout and all, but I chose to work two jobs and keep a roof over my head. I was able to provide my daughter with the best health care because I had spent my hard earned money to give her private insurance. Of course I was told quite clearly ( by guess who ) that I was to blame for her accident in the first place because I wasn’t watching her like I should have been. I still carry that guilt. Her survival was my survival. I lived for a very long time on caring for and rehabing her. Seven years later she left home-and took my idenity with her. I was no longer a care giver, I was no one’s partner, I was nothing. I found a new idenity for myself soon enough. Gambler. It made me feel good, successful, cared about. All lies I now know but at the time it was something, much like the onesided "relationships" I have had over the years. Settling for "something" as opposed to having nothing-and being greatful for the random hour spent with me.
I guess I am rambling a bit-my mind is racing. I don’t want to be upset anymore tonight. My kitty is nudging me for a pet. Funny how animals sense when things are not quite right. There are fireworks tonight for the 4th but it is so hot I think I will pass.
bettie

[desdemona]

Happy 4th of July Bettie! Insightful post you wrote. I read on facebook a post that said" give yourself permission to stay away from toxic people." You are never going to get any of your emotional needs met by your mother.  And neither will I. We don’t have those kind of mothers and accepting that made me not look for her approval anymore. That’s all I’m going to say about that. Guilt over a child being invovled in an ACCIDENT, has to be a huge burden to carry on your shoulders. Why not lay it down and lighten your load. It serves no purpose you carrying that! I bought margarita mix today and have a new beverage dispenser, to mix up a bunch. lol!  Carole

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

Hi Guys,
… I guess I am rambling a bit …

Dear Bettie,
It is in our rambling that we clear our minds of things, and paradoxically, we also clutter them, for we ramble as you say, when our mind is racing, and we are not exactly thinking with our rational minds, but more with feelings.  I too ramble in a lot of my post, as I will end up doing here; I guess knowing that you are going to go on and on is also just rambling even thought rambling seems to be more of a spontaneous act.
First, I wish I could reach out in person to be with you, but we are brought together in a virtual world that limits  visits to digitally constructed dialog, imaging, and sounds that we send through cyberspace.  But as they say, "this is as real as it gets", and the entertainment industry even labels such technology as "reality shows".
I too am sitting at home instead of being at the fireworks, and here too I am using technology to replace real life, I am watching the celebrations and fireworks on TV, both the ones a few miles from my home, and the ones from other cities that are being broadcasted "live".  I was to join my family in an outing to celebrate, but they called it off because of the heat (I see Chicago is catching up to us by going over a 100° today, you  must have brought it home with you from your visit to close by Southern Illinois — some more guilt for you to deal with  lol; yet just as unjustified and not deserving as you carrying the guilt of an ACCIDENT).  
Anyhow I was sitting here watching the fireworks on TV feeling sorry for myself and thinking that I should be there in person. But then these thoughts changed to my thinking that if I were there by myself I would, just feel worst so I was better off moping about at home. We all have racing thoughts and a lot on our minds that only make things worst than they are when we dwell of them. What makes the difference is how we react to these times, or how we just let them go as a fleeting thought.  Later on when back to reality after feeling sorry for myself, I accepted what was, and knew that I had no real desire to "see" the spectacular show tonight, I was only trying to bring the past back to life. And more than just accepting these things that I could not change, I was going further and enjoying being in the now where my accepting some things or not makes no difference. We do not have to do things, we only need to be.
One thing that struck me and caused me to think in an opposite way about your thoughts on "settling for "something" as opposed to having nothing"; when we think too much we fail to see what could or should be a first and more truthful reaction. By my being removed from the situation I saw you settling for "nothing" as opposed to having something, with the random hour bringing feelings of regret and being resentful, not grateful. Here again, it is better to be than to try and be what we are not. We are better off being ourselves than trying to be someone concocted by comparing ourselves to what we see in the world of "reality" and advertising, or in others that for the most part just put on a front. Parts of the message from your reading at your pinning, Enough , addresses this in a better way.
There are many others that can be the fill in as the child in the Mommy Dearest novel, or the one on Dr Freud’s couch, but these event that have taken place in our lives are in the past. Having knowledge of them and being aware that there is a connection to the way we are now, does not mean that we have to stay being the poster child for a messed up life. "Give me the courage to change the things I can" pertains to changing ourselves also. We do not have to be what others think of us, or molded us into being, we can change and be the person that we are meant to be. We will not be disrespecting our parents or authority figures if after we see the" bs" that was handed down for what it is, we just leave it behind; choosing to be different than what was driven into us is also something that we should have no guilt in doing. 
Well the TV fireworks have been over for a while and I have been rambling, but I have also been putting things behind me and thinking about me in the now, I have been being. And in my rambling and thinking I thought about a recent Today’s Thought send by Ken L and how it might apply to making needed changed to the controls of others, and am ending my going on and on with these less rambling words.

 
 
 
Today’s thought from Hazelden is:

. . . I was taught that the way of progress is neither swift nor easy.
–Marie Curie

We are looking for progress, not perfection; however, we sometimes get lost or confused between the two. Expecting ourselves to be perfect at something we are only now learning is a familiar affliction. As we accept our humanness, we’ll allow the mistakes that are a normal part of the process of living and learning – a process we call progress.

Our need to be perfect will lessen with time. And we can help ourselves break the old habits. Perfection and self-worth are not symbiotic, except in our minds. And it’s a symbiosis that has done us a grave injustice. Breaking the old thought patterns takes a commitment. We must first decide and believe that we are worthwhile, simply because we are. There is only one of us; we have a particular gift to offer this world. And our being is perfect as is. Affirming this, repeatedly, is our beginning. But with this, too, progress will be slow; perfection need only be worked for, not achieved.

The patterns I am weaving with my life are complex, full of intricate detail and knots. I need to go slow, taking only one stitch at a time. With hindsight I will see that whatever the progress, it was the perfect fit to the overall design.
You are reading from the book:
Each Day a New Beginning by Karen Casey
LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Ken L: co.de.pen.dence (co.di.pen´.dens) n. [root ME. dependaunce < OFr. dependance or ML. dependentia < L. dependens]. Also written co-dependence. The condition or fact of being codependent; specifically, a) tendency to place the needs and wants of others first and to the exclusion of acknowledging one’s own, b) continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both oneself and others, c) anxiety and boundary distortions relating to intimacy and separation, d) difficulty expressing feelings, e) excessive worry how others may respond to one’s feelings, f) undue fear of being hurt and/or rejected by others, g) self-esteem dependent on approval by others, h) tendency to ignore own values and attempt to adhere to the values of others.
I just swiped this from the chat-more later~
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

Ken L: co.de.pen.dence … … … …
I just swiped this from the chat-more later~
bettie

Bettie,
And to this definition and understanding of codependense, your can add the advice for the begaining of breaking away from it found is some words of wisdom also coming from Ken L in his post today in the Reflection for the Day  topic. You can learn and become able to provide a positive answer to the question found in that post, "Am I coming to believe that I am free to be the best self I am able to be?".
God’s speed. Keep aware. Stay strong. Take action and move froward.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Sometimes I just want to scream "I GET IT! I GET IT!"
The cosmic joke is I just don’t know what to do about it. I don’t want to be this way yet I find myself repeating the same actions-reactions-over and over. Some days I feel ok-some days I want to run. I guess thats "normal", whatever "normal" is suposted to be.
Carole you are right about the mother thing. I have to stop trying to gain her approvial and stop resenting her favoritism toward my brother. I have consoled myself with the fact he needed her support more than I ever did. In reality she has enabeled him to the point he is disabled-mentally at the least. That could have been me-and since it is not, well, for that I am gratful.
Larry try as I may I sometimes still reflect on those "random hours" as the only happiness I have known for quite some time. It’s just like the time I spent gambling, it was pleasurable at the time, I thought I really enjoyed it, but the reality is I was not happy. Another reflection on those "random hours" now is that many times it was discusting and degrading. Doesn’t sound quite like happiness really, does it?
My friend from GA called last night and invited me to go with him to a meeting tonight, if his family obligations don’t take too long today. He even offered to pick me up-as he will be making the treck to Illinois as opposed to me going to Indianna. He also gave me a mini lecture about calling-day or night-if I felt a need to talk. Pretty nice guy if u ask me.
I have the blinds shut and the bedrooms closed off so the air conditioner only has to cool off the front room and kitchen. I slept on the sleeper sofa last night as the bedroom was way too warm.
Did my workout despite the heat-it is supost to be good for you right? I think I do it to punish myself on some level. Thats some sick thinking isn’t it? I know it is good for me, my blood work proves that. Why do I feel the need to punish myself?
Time to put on the big girl pants and get on with my day.
bettie

[bettie]

 Hi Guys,
Hope you can get this. It’s on the new Joe Walsh cd "Analog Man" ( in a digital world ) Larry give it a listen, i think it will be right up your alley. This song seems to be about Joe’s recovery "One day at a time"
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/5DEjHHhvR7Y?rel=0&quot; frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Well you know,
I was always the first to arrive at the party, ooh!
And the last to leave the scene of the crime
Well it started with a couple of beers,
And it went I don’t know how many years,
Like a runaway train headed for the end of the line.

Well I finally got around to admit that I might have a problem.
But I thought it was just too damn big of a mountain to climb.
Well I got down on my knees and said ‘Hey!’ (la la la)
I just cant go on livin’ this way! (la la la)
Guess I have to learn to live my life one day at a time.

Oh ya! One day at a time!
Oh ya! One day at a time!

Oh ya! One day at a time!
Oh ya! One day at a time!

Well I finally got around to admit that I was a problem.
When I used to put the blame on everybody’s shoulders but mine.
All the friends I used to run with are gone, (la la la)
Lord, I hadn’t planned on livin this long. (la la la)

I have to learn to live my life one day at a time!

It was something it was too blind to see,
I got help from something greater than me..
And I have to learn to live my life one day at a time!
 — 7/5/2012 6:07:01 PM: post edited by bettie.

[trulyshi]

Hey you.  I’m totally unable to leave the comfort of the couch tonight.  Exhaustion is a mild word to describe how I feel.  Going to spend some time here to make up for missing my meeting.  I also have to be up really early since my son is picking me up at 7:30am to go with him to the lawyer’s.  Feel free to give me a shout if you’re back from your meeting by 9:30pm your time, otherwise I’ll probably be sawing logs.  I’m taking the codependence thing a bit at a time.  Right now I’m trying to work on being more assertive, learning that it’s okay to say no sometimes.  Right now I’m going to barbeque some burgers and then relax.  Debbie

[chubbycat]

Hi Bettie
I liked that post. I liked when you said about animals knowing things, like my kitty sitting next to me all snuggled up. The other day i was upset and she came up and nuzzled into me, its like she new what was happening, she understood. They are so beautiful arent they. Hope to see you soon for a chat
Chubbycat
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

[chubbycat]

Hi Bettie
I liked that post. I liked when you said about animals knowing things, like my kitty sitting next to me all snuggled up. The other day i was upset and she came up and nuzzled into me, its like she new what was happening, she understood. They are so beautiful arent they. Hope to see you soon for a chat
Chubbycat
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Caught a wild hair and I am off to see Debbie.
Taking my PC so I will check in later!!
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

 
Caught a wild hair …

Enjoy your visit, both you and Debbie should benefit from it immensely.
Don’t let your wild hair take you away from this adventure and cause you to have to battle similar urges that another member of GT with a wild hair faces.
Have a good time, and enjoy, and drive safely, or as they say in Texas, "Drive friendly".LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[desdemona]

I have never heard that expression before "caught a wild hair" before, and I’m guessing it means being spontaneous and going off on an adventure. I’m sure you and Deb are going to have a fun time together. No doubt in my mind. Wish I was there with you two! Carole

[chubbycat]

Hi Bettie, i think its so great that you all catch up off this site. Wish i could too i would love it. I love to hear of when you all catch up, like, when you and larry and carole and reds caught up. Hope you have fun and laughed at the wild hair, reminds me of Cully, and his wild hair thread. where are you Cully? Anyway hope you have a good time Bettie and see you soon
Chubbycat
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

[trulyshi]

Bettie oh Bettie, where are you?   I’m home from work now and ready to have a spontaneous weekend.  There’s a rib cookoff, and lots of girl talk planned.  Wooooohooooo, this is exciting.  Hurry up BettieIf you slip then stop going where it’s slippery

[bettie]

I have arrived!
Deb is in route!
I feel like a dare devil! lol~
Passed like 10 casinos to get here. No desire to stop.
Catch up later!!
bettie

[غير معروف]

Bettie, are you in Canada?If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[bettie]

Can u believe it jules? Give me a passport and I drive right out of the country! lol~~
Debbie is snugg as a bug laying in front of the air conditioner here at the hotel.
I’m about to hit the hay myself.
nite~~
bettie

[غير معروف]

You go girl!  Maybe I need a passport too.  🙂  Have fun you two!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[chubbycat]

Hi Bettie
Enjoy your time chickadee, can you flick me an email sometime so i cant find your address. Lovely to see you getting out and about there, i love to hear of you all catching up,
chubbycat
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

[bettie]

Oh the time has flown!
I got a new Coach purse AND a matching wallet! Anyday you get a great Coach purse for 75% off is a wonderful day!
Debbie is as sweet as she can be!
Can’t believe I have to go home in the morning!
This is a gift of recovery-I am truely greatful!
bettie

[غير معروف]

Sounds great Bettie, just wish I new what coach purse was!Living a life instead of living a lie…..Recovery is priceless.

[finding_laura]

Wohooo Bettie, glad you had a good trip. I’d try and coax you out to see me but it would be a longggg trip by car. Someday though B for sure we will get together. Funny how we can forget to be grateful sometimes, even in recovery I have some bad days where I forget to count all the blessings that I have. Have a safe trip home!
Laura

[غير معروف]

Glad you are having a good time Bettie!  My daughter and 4 grandkids came this weekend for the 4th celebrations.  I spent a fortune, money was going as fast as pumping it into a machine!  BUT… a machine never gave me the smiling faces of my grandkids while riding a ferris wheel for the first time.  :)If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
… Anyday you get a great Coach purse for 75% off is a wonderful day! …
This is a gift of recovery-I am truely greatful!
 

Good morning Bettie,
All good things have to come to an end, at least an end to the actual events, the good feeling and memories carry on and on; even when dampened by having to returns to work. This we do after every time off, so it is just part of life, not some that should take away from a wonderful experience.
And hopefuly not to dampen your good find and sale on a "high price designer hand bag or piece of luggage", FYI Geordie, hopefully your reduced cost was due to less tariffs and taxes in Canada, and not because it was a counterfit one that you can find in any flee market in Chicago. Also hope that you think to be using it when you are crossing the border back into the USA, if your know what I mean.
Your recognition that this and your wonderful day of shopping, and the time spent with a friend, "is a gift of recovery", is mush better than any sale that you found. Being gambling free allows us to enjoy the little things of life.
God’s speed. Stay strong.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[sherry123]

Have a safe trip home Bettie.  I love hearing how comfortable all of you are with each other and how much you enjoy meeting.  Wonderful!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Home again safely. Caught quite a bit of traffic in Indianna and had to detour. I know all the side roads from my gambling days. I did see the casinos I used to frequent-in my rear view mirror. That was close enough for me!
Larry I did my shopping at a designer outlet mall, a very reliable source. The money I spent would not have lasted very long spent u know where-the purse will last for years. My ex gambling buddy and I would sometimes walk out of the casino and say "Man, we could have bought x numbers of Coach purses for what we just spent! We should have went shopping instead". (between the two of us the number would sometimes be 4-5, at FULL price!) Relearning the value of money is also a gift of recovery. I have spent so much more than this long weekend trip cost with nothing to show for it.
Jules YES, get a passport! You would love Debbie as much as I do!
I am pooped and ready for a bit of rest before I have to get ready for work tomorrow. Heat has broken-still very warm-90F but so much better.
Deb I loved meeting your friends and the rib fest and swimming were great! Come visit me and we’ll have a slab-not a rack-lol! You’ll get some great pizza too!  (Larry has a different opinion on that but he’s in St Louis so what could he possibly know??)
Laura I would love that trip too!
Sherry Canadians are so nice! If you get the chance go!
Chubbycat my dream trip is Oz. One day-who knows! I would have never dreamed I would ever do any of the things I have done in the past year.
Geordie "Coach purses" were once made of baseball glove leather ( in the 1940’s I believe ). It’s a chick thing so it’s ok to be confused~!
peace
bettie– 7/8/2012 9:45:51 PM: post edited by bettie.

[trulyshi]

I miss you so much already.  I can’t remember having that much fun in a long time.  You all should have seen Bettie in the Coach store, she was like a kid in a candy shop, lol.  I can’t believe you got stopped at the border, you must have looked guilty or something (you really did practically steal that coach purse with what you paid for it, lol). I consider myself truly blessed for having the privilege of spending a weekend in the company of such a wonderful friend.  I’m going to have an early night tonight, I’m tuckered right out – not used to all that shopping.  It’s time for me to apply for a passport now so I can do some visiting too, I need to get over my highway driving fear.  Glad you’re home safe and sound girl and I’ll talk to you soon.  DebIf you slip then stop going where it’s slippery

[cat438]

Bettie, so glad you enjoyed Canada and had a wonderful time with Debbie.  What a deal you got with the Coach Purse.  It’s so interesting when we go to the States we love to shop as we feel they have better deals than we do.  You sound so happy and excited… it really is great!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!!!  You go girl!!!!  Sounds like you guys had a lot of fun!!!!!  It’s good to hear you soo happy!!!  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I’m exhausted also due to the heat and just go, go on the weekend, like you. I laid down to rest after I got home, but didn’t get any, as it’s too hot, and I’m too tired to sleep. I didn’t get enough sleep during the past 2 nights, so it’s cumulative sleep deprivation. How were your cats when you got home? My dogs were happy to see me, and Ruffuss didn’t appear to be too upset with me having been gone. Usually he will bite me on the butt when he is unhappy with me, just to get me in line. I bought the new book by Melody Beattie called THE NEW CODEPENDENCY as well as two other books on addiction. One of them is about overcoming the triggers that get in the way of recovery, and the other is strategies for managing your gambling. These are the first books I’ve bought on addiction. I used to gamble in the city every time I would be there, but I had no urge to do that. They even had vlts in the hotel we stayed at, but used the cash I had to buy stuff shopping, instead of using my debit card, so that left me with little cash, had I even wanted to gamble.  Great to hear that you and Deb clicked in real life as well cyber space. The more support a person has, the better to overcome addiction, plus it’s just plain good fun to hang out with others that understand the road we walk as cgs. Hope you get a good rest tonight. Carole 

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! The cat is out of the bag! I sent an email to my hubby to tell him that Cat was going to be in Edmonton on a course and that I had made plans to go meet her, and that Liz was coming for my birthday but was waiting to see what happened with her husband and his surgeries before she booked her ticket. He then told me that he has been in contact with you and that I had ruined his surprise of him showing up at the house with you, by me making other plans. So he felt he had to tell me that you were coming. He said that you were coming August 6th and flying out August 11th. Hopefully it will work that we can go meet Cat on the evening of the 10th.  It depends on Cat’s schedule. I’m not much on surprises anyway; I have never liked them. Maybe a control thing! Carole 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Tired tired tired!
Good news at work-my loan will close Friday so I will have that credit for this quarter. The assistant demanded to know why it wasn’t scheduled when I was off-I told her the customer chose to wait for ME. I guess she wanted the credit for my work-oh too bad. I ended the 2nd quarter ok and will get a little payout in 6 weeks. I’ll take it!
Carole thats so wonderful! I would love to meet Cat and Lizbeth. Those would be GT members # 6 & 7 for me! Who would have thought in a million years not only would I make friends around the world-but would get to meet some of them too!
One of the couples from the party last month came into the bank. They has some photos on their cell phone-me pushing the fwb off the boat into the water-me dancing with the ladies and guys. They thought I was so much fun to be with. Funny how I was made to feel so stupid and I bought it hook, line and sinker!
Other peoples opinions of me are none of my business! Good advice to repeat over and over until I get it.
Need to pick up and eat dinner.
bettie

[desdemona]

Geez, that banking business sounds like a shark tank. Liz unfortunately is not coming as her husband has to return in a month’s time for stents in his other leg, plus they are going to Legoland with their grandson. You are the undisputed Queen of meeting people from GT. lol! Cat will be the 5th person I meet. I eventually want to go meet with Vera in Ireland. I didn’t get much done today as it’s too darn hot! Supposed to have temperatures of 30 C or over the rest of the week. Think I’ll crawl into my downstairs freezer to cool down. Carole

[chubbycat]

Hiya Bettie!!!
Chubbycat
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Carole lets hope the weather breaks for you soon. CC my cats "beg" for what ever I am eating-they hever eat anything but sniff then attempt to "Cover" it up by pawing the floor! Once Tiger dragged a pair of sox over and tucked it in the bowl!
Busy day. My car still in the shop. I had phone calls to make, work out to do and shower and dinner!
My brother took my niece to be admitted to a treatment program. That child has been troubled for a long time so I am praying she gets the help she needs. My brother is beside himself.
10 years ago tomorrow I lost my best friend to cancer.My brother died July 11th, 2002. We were 3 years apart but we were very close. I don’t know how many times over the years I saw something and thought-"Gee, Frankie would really like that" and then the reality set in. I miss him more than words can say. He took a piece of my heart with him, I loved him so much! In fact, I still do! His oldest daughter is the one I brought back with me. I wonder if she will remember? She posted something on Fathers Day on FB about missing him. The little one has no memory of him at all.
My GA friend called me tonight, just checking in. It’s nice.
bettie 

[desdemona]

Yup! Hoping that this hot weather will end, though I’ll probably be the first one complaining how cold it is in the winter. Thank God that your niece could be admitted so quickly to a treatment program. As parents, and I know as grandparents, when our kids and grandkids hurt, we hurt for them. Even though it has been 10 years since Frankie died, the acute grief lessens, but we still grieve for our loved one. I am thinking about you. My FIL called me to go for supper with him at a Chinese food restaurant tonight, so seeing as I forgot to eat today because of the heat, I decided to go. He told me stories of how he met my MIL and about her work history before they got married. He asked me at some point if I was getting bored, and I told him it was fascinating, which it was, as I miss my MIL also. So glad I didn’t say no to going. I’ve got another ice pack on my head trying to cool down. lol Carole 

[trulyshi]

Thinking of you today and sending warm thoughts so that you’ll remember the happy times with your brother.  Debbie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I got a call from my brother. Seems he called the treatment center where his daughter is and she changed the password so he can not get a call or any info until she calls him. I understand privacy laws however it is outragiuos that he can’t talk to her attending dr. I told him to tell them since he was the financially responsible party maybe he was thinking of checking her out and/or send a certified letter saying he was renouncing his financial responsibility. I am sure he would get an answer or two.
bettie

[trulyshi]

I just can’t imagine anyone not allowing me to speak with or see my daughter.  I realize that they think they are acting in her best interests or perhaps she has requested this, but your brother must be so distraught and frustrated not to have any answers or be unable to find out about her wellbeing.  I think I would be showing up there and demanding some answers.  He’ll need all the support he can get right now from you and your family, I’m glad you’re there for him.  Debbie

[finding_laura]

Dear Bettie,
whew I can’t keep up with you guys! I once heard human life described as a soul that came to this earthly plain for a period of time and reasons of their choosing. And although we can miss them terribly when they are gone, we should try and look at the bigger picture of the gifts that they brought to us in their lifetime. Perhaps gifts of tolerance, caring, sharing and understanding would be some of those you brother taught/brought to you. I know you miss him so much B, I’m sure he watches over you. Glad you enjoyed that trip! I’ve been working a little bit on some step material. Will get that off to you today! Have a great day at work B. I’m just a bit jealous of all your travelling/visiting! Good for you, keep enjoying life! Now I’m off to another therapy appointment in a few minutes. Take care!
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hey Laura-waiting for that email!
Went to the nursing home to see my lady friend. Helps to put things into perspective. I made the nursing staff lift her out of bed-no easy task-so I could cut her hair. Her room mates were impressed. saying only a true friend would do what I did. I feel like a jerk-I haven’t been to see her in months. I need to get there more often.
Running late for work-have a great day!!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just here posting because I am an idiot! Went willy-nilly down the stairs this morning and Bam! My knee almost buckles under me! Ouch Ouch Ouch! It is pure torture to get in and out of the car, walking-well really limping-not so bad. My calf is throbbing and the back of my knee hurts! I have been eating pain killers but still very sore. I missed my meeting. I called my ga buddy to let him know I would not be there. He offered to come and get me. I told him that was asking too much-aside from the fact I really just wanted to get home and rest.
On the bright side I get to indulge in my guilty pleasure – I’m watching "Say Yes to the Dress". It is just silly-I never had a church wedding, don’t plan of having one, I know Jen (the tatoo queen) will never want one so why do I love seeing these ladies in these beautiful dresses? Maybe planning my next life? Who knows but I do love them!
I also closed a good loan today and got a credit card approved. Not a bad day all in all.
bettie

[vera]

What is it with those legs, B?
You walking in high heels?
You should have allowed that GA friend to come and collect you….why not?
I LOVE looking at wedding dresses too….Romantic or what!

[bettie]

Hi V,
1. My legs are rebelling on me-thats what I get for being heavy all my life.
2. I had to give up heels about 9 months ago-diabetic neropathy I believe it’s called-I have cronic pain in the ball of my foot. I am wearing ugly flat shoes these days!
3. My friend lives in Indiana-he could not have gotten me to the meeting on time and I still had to take my car home.
As for the dresses-I am still watching those shows-3 hours now! lol!
This is the pits-my leg hurts worse now than it did when I first injured my knee!

[desdemona]

Wow Bettie! You sure seem accident prone. Hopefully you’ll have medical insurance when you visit, though I think that most insurers don’t cover anything to do with pre-existing conditions. I have a friend who has diabetic neuropathy in her feet and she is in chronic pain like you are. Nerve pain they say is the hardest to control. It was thoughtful of my granddaughter to bring me the cupcakes but I’m already eating a red velvet cake with cream cheese icing I bought yesterday. lol! What are your plans for the weekend? Hopefully rest and don’t get re-injured, or another injury. Maybe stay in bed. lol! Carole 

[finding_laura]

Hi Bettie,
ran out of time for the email!  Will get there I promise.  Out of town family visiting, staying with my parents but seeing lots of them.  My narrow slice of pie for me gets a little bit smaller.  My sister may be dropping by this morning to pick something up, she won’t stay long, but just in case i’ve been and gone in chat, I ‘ll pop back to let you know when I’ve actually left!  I would/will be back 🙂  It is a huge and i mean huge piece on step one alone.
Do you have word?  That was the other issue.  I wanted to copy to a word document so we could just type in our thoughts comments and save them.  For me if it isn’t  going to be easy and convenient to work on a bit at at time it won’t work for me.  I have to go grab a cup and then will sign on xo
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Well I have been up for 1 & 1/2 hours now. Posting and reading is working recovery right?
My niece spent the night and is still sleeping on the sleeper sofa. I am in my room. I feel like a little kid on punshiment-lol!
Wish I could have worked out but just moving around is a chore. It will get better, I just have to be more careful.
Just realized how close my next ( last)  vacation week is! I am excited and nervous all at the same time.
I have been thinking about gambling alot these days. I know I can’t "win" but for what ever reason I feel like I want to go. This addiction cr*p is annoying! I don not have any money at all this week which is a good thing! No money=no gamble! Now I just have to think about why I am having these thoughts.
Well I have spit out my best advice to everyone, guess I will have to take my own advice.
I’m not gambling today.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Nothing to be nervous about. It’s not like we’re strangers who haven’t met before. Is this your first time flying? I always get nervous about doing something for the first time, whether there’s anything to be nervous about. The next 3 weeks will fly by for me with the amount of work I have to do. lol! Carole 

[nelly]

Search burping the states on YouTube LOL

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… This addiction cr*p is annoying! …
I’m not gambling today.

Good morning Bettie,
You are right this addiction thing is annoying, but on the other hand, the recovery thing lessons that aggravation when we diligently work at improving our lives and realizing that it does not come from instant miracles. One of the annoying things that I have found is that while no money = no gambling, it also allows our addiction to nourish thoughts about how gambling will give us money; and conversely, having some extra money will bring about similar thoughts  to gamble — compulsive gambling is a baffling and insidious addiction and this is why you are having these thoughts.
Today’s post in the Reflection of the Day is a good reminder of how to get past these negative thoughts, and its question, "Have I begun to realize that my ultimate contentment doesn’t depend on having things work out my way?", can cause us to think in more positive ways. Like you say, follow your own advice, but also follow the advice and wisdom found in searching for additional advice and encouragement to act on each.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well Larry everyones experence is different. The only one of the 20 questions I ever say no to is " Did you ever gamble to get money to pay bills". I was such a lousy "unlucky" gambler I knew if I ever really NEEDED money I was doomed-and guarenteed a loss at the casino. Some where I started gambling for gamblings sake-when I have gambling thoughts now it is not about winning money-it’s about a night out, a drink, and my love affair with the slot machine. How stupid it that? My last few "adventures" into gambling cost me so much more than money-it cost me self respect. Thats one thing I find hard to come by-and most certainly can’t buy it. You have to earn it. NOT gambling earns it, so simple yet so hard to get into this cg head of mine.
Carole I really do like to fly-it’s the getting to the airport, security,gate assignment-that stuff makes me a nervous nelly-sorry nelly!~lol!~ It will be fine. I just have to compulsively tell myself that over and over and over…..
Took my niece to see Spider Man. Her pick and it was fun being there with her. She is so quite! I took her to the store said get what ever u want and she picked a pair of mens sport shorts. I told her thats what happens when I only see u once a year-u get what ever you want so don’t be shy! Jennie was good about taking her places. I gave her all my cash money ($50) so she could pick stuff up if she wanted. I hope she enjoyed herself. I was in the delivery room when her mom had her ( my brother Frankie was too scared! lol!). I loved her the moment I saw her! She was such a little mischief maker before my brother died. I remember her shaking a whole bottle of baby powder in my other nieces bed room! What a MESS! She has changed alot after loosing her Dad. The fact that she is 20 now may have something to do with that too.
bettie

[bettie]

 
Hi Guys,
Found this on SH and thought it was worth a repost! That anonymous guy/gal sure is smart arn’t they??
A Step Poem

I took one step, began to moan
I can’t do this one on my own.
I took two steps, began to pray
Restore me God, please now, today.

I took three steps, gave up my will
Maybe God loves me still.
I took a fourth, I looked inside
Nothing more would I hide.

And on the fifth, I said aloud
I’ve done some wrong, and I’m not proud.
I took six steps, and got prepared
To lose the defects, I was scared.

Now I’m at seven, take them away
My God, for this I do pray.
And on eight, the list was long
Amends to make for all the wrong.

I took nine steps, put down my pride
Amends made, I will not hide.
Ten steps I take, each day I pray
I make amends along the way.

And on eleven I pray to know
Each day His will, which way to go.
I took twelve steps, I’m like a bird
To others now, I spread the word……..

  (Author anonymous) 
 
 
 
 
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh i am just seething! I had a run in with one of the tellers today. One of my regular customers-A Doctor who had done a lot of business with me popped over to my desk. I was just wrapping up work on my last customer and he came to inquire if his wife had ordered checks. Ok, two munite job. The teller had sent a customer over to wait to reorder a lost debit card. She starts ringing my phone, being loud and telling the customer in the lobby it will be just a minute. She has the nerve to walk over to my desk, tell me AND MY CUSTOMER excuse me, someone else has signed in and they are waiting. My customer starts apoligizing- Oh I am so sorry, I didn’t know etc! I just looked at her and she scooted back to the teller line. I told my customer he had no need to be sorry and please have your wife call me about the check order.
I proceeded to the teller line. Excuse me XXXX, don’t you ever come over to my desk and say anything to a customer I am waiting on. "Well he just sat down with you and that customer waiting was getting mad". AND? We take customers out of order – and what I needed to do for him would have only taken two minutes aside from the fact that that is MY judgement call to make- NOT YOURS! She has the nerve to say to me "well thats why our customer satifaction score is so low" Really? I mean REALLY? If this girl ever waited on you you would understand my reaction.
So I did my best to let that go-the asst manager did a few things to tick me off. The Manager snuck out-he never intervines when there is an issue with staff. I guess my teller friend went running to the manager about what happened-about the customer who was so upset-putting her spin on things so he dumped it on the assistant to discuss with me.
When the asst manager aproached me to discuss the matter I did my best not to explode. She tried to lecture me and i stopped her-you have only heard what the teller said-you don’t know what happened. I proceded to explain the waiting customer was in no way upset-he even applied for a credit card with me and we had a nice sales conversation. The teller somehow felt the need to tell me my job-which is unacceptable to me. She was like-oh, I didn’t know-oh, she really said that? I told her to talk with the teller manager-who was witness to the whole confrontation.
I have a headache.
bettie
 

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie, Some people are so busy interfering with other people’s work they have no time to do their own!!! I think you handled that very assertively and really well. I am wishing I was more like you.So pleased to read things are going well with you. Life is too short to be anything but happy!!

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! That teller is definitely in the wrong, and had no business telling you how you should be doing your job. And in front of a customer; she should be reprimanded for that. Sounds like she could be a reason for the customer satisfaction score to be low.  Like I said previously, it sounds like you work in a shark tank. Carole 

[cat438]

Bettie, that is terrible what happened to you… it is so strange how everyone can put their own spin on things to make it the other person who is at fault.  Good for you for clarifying the situation.  I will try not to tick you off when we meet, just in case you sort me out LOL  It’s interesting when  you said in your post earlier about being excited and nervous all at the same time.  I am feeling excited about meeting you and Carole, but nervous at the same time.  I can’t wait to meet you and Carole.  I will not be posting often in the next two wees as I go on vacation on Friday. 
Get rid of those gambling thoughts!!!! 
 One day at a time my sweet lord…

[trulyshi]

You go girl!!!  Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re wrong when you’re so obviously in the right.  I had a similar situation today at work too.  Wonder if it’s the heat?

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Guess I should post-it’s been a couple days.
Cleaning today, I didn’t sleep last night. Painful joints and muscle pain. I restarted taking the stantin drug I had been taken off earlier this year. I thing I am having another drug reaction so I’ll stop taking that one again and if no improvement I’ll be back yet again to the Dr.
The teller that I had words with Tuesday was off yesterday. In days past I would have complained about her to anyone who would have listened ( gee I wonder if thats where my impression of having a negative attitude came from??) Not today. I can see where my OCD kicks in and won’t let things go so instead of worring what anyone may have been told I am not concerned. I did nothing wrong, I have nothing to defend. If my boss brings it up then I’ll have something to talk about. "Other people’s opinion of me is none of my business."
bettie

[desdemona]

I’m exactly like you in that I won’t let things go, until I’ve vented to the rooftops to others. I would have gathered my camp of fellow workers who thought I was in the right until I thought that others understood that I had been wronged. How sick is that? Good thing I don’t work anymore. Hopefully your situation will remind me to take the high road. Carole

[cat438]

Bettie, good for you!!  It is so tough not to vent about things, but the way you handled it is so much more professional.  You really did take the high road.  I could learn from you.  I find it tough when something bothers me not to vent, but really I need to say to heck with it and have confience that I did nothing wrong.  I am going to keep saying that phrase "other peoples opinion of me is none of my business".  I know that I am doing a good job and it they have a problem then it is there problem, and I don’t need to own their problem.  Wow, we can talk about all this things when we get together!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[chubbycat]

Hi Bettie well done. i think you did a brave thing in letting that one go. Good on you Bettie i know it only hurts ourselves when we hold onto stuff. Something i need to learn
chubbycat
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Waking up to the news about the shooting at a movie theater in Colorado. So senseless! Why do people think violence will solve or prove anything? Young people seem so desensitized to the reality that dead is DEAD. What could a 6 year old at a movie have done that justifies being shot and killed?
My heart is heavy today. God please help us.
bettie

[desdemona]

That is so sad and so senseless a 6 year old being shot in a movie theatre. My thoughts go out to this family who are reeling in shock now and will experience the deepest grief from losing a child in this manner. A parent’s worse nightmare has just come true for this family. Carole   

[trulyshi]

Apparently there were 14 people killed, what a senseless thing.  Was a 24 year old boy.  I was absolutely horrified.  Debbie

[bettie]

Hi guys,
I am totally wiped out today. On Fridays I work 9 hours then go to my meeting. I was out of the house 14 hours yesterday. I get home exausted then i cant sleep.
I am looking to buy an ipad like notebook/tablet. If anyone has a suggest i am open to suggestions as i will go impulse buy one.
Gonna jump in the shower-maybe i will wake up..
bettie

[bettie]

Well the site is back up. Thanks Harry-as I suspect you may have had something to do with it being repaired!
Urge city today. I am home, plan to stay home. Maybe I will go clean the cat boxes.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I see that I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t get on site. Thankfully it is repaired now. Maybe you are having urges because you are going on a little vacation, and are stressing a bit about that. If that’s why-stop! Everything will be fine! Remind me when we’re in the city that I want to buy a cross stitch pattern of flowers. I have never cross stitched but I like hand sewing so this seems like the perfect hobby for me. The idea came to me out of nowhere. Someone will have to show me how but I remember my mother doing it, so if my mother can learn that, so can I. Cleaning my cat’s litter box is enough to give me urges. Have to shower and get my work pjs on and walk to the rental. Hubby leaves to go back to the city tomorrow to fly out Tuesday morning. I won’t see him until I see you. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
No Carole, I don’t think it’s the trip-although being happy can trigger urges.
I had a conversatation with someone from my past who proceeded to tell me how wonderful I have always been to him, how I never made demands from him, how I had made him very happy. In a "normal" relatationship that might be a good thing-but since our relationship was all about him it created some light bulb moments about me and my co dependency. If you are the type of person who enjoys using people look for a person with low no self esteam. I looked at me and decited I didn’t like what I saw.
Another possibility for my mood is the 18th aniversary of Jen’s accident. Thank God she is still here.
So I had a great therapy session today with my step buddy. Somethings are good to revisit. Looks like I am back to step 1 for a while and thats ok.
Cleaned for the kitties and I am going out to look for that tablet pc. I’ll have something to show for my money besides a gambling hangover.
bettie

[bettie]

My brother called. I took him out for breakfast then went shopping.
I got my Tablet!! it will be so nice to have it on my Trip!!!!!!!!
I’m so excited!

[chubbycat]

Hi Bettie
Thats great. Good you have a good relationship with your brother and awesome on the tablet. Yey.
Chubbycat
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! My hubby has an IPAD so you two can teach each other. Don’t know which of you knows more about the tablet and the applications. lol! Today I slammed my foot into the metal leg of a bed and injured it. it’s the same toes that I broke on 2 previous occasions. They aren’t broken this time but are injured. And I was mentioning that I thought you were accident prone. lol! Hubby and my son-in-law started putting the laminate down today and all kinds of things had to be ripped off like my baseboards and a half wall of vertical pieces of wood like a fence in the room when you first come in. I thought I was making progress but this is going to be a long time before this unit is completed, because hubby is gone so much. It’s a bit discouraging. Today hubby was being a bit of an ass, so I decided I was going to go gamble but that I needed to vaccum the house first. Then I decided that why should I go do something harmful to myself because he’s being the ass? So I didn’t go and had a nap instead. He leaves later tomorrow to go back to work.

[trulyshi]

Congratulations on your purchase, you deserve it.  Will it fit in your coach purse?  Missed talking to you today, will make up for it tomorrow.  Debbie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Oh Carole I can be quite ignorant about computers but I am learning. My tablet is an Android but I am sure that the ipad is quite similar so maybe i can be of a little assistance. Ouch on the toes! Ouch Ouch!! Good choice on taking a nap
Yes Deb it does fit in the purse-lol!
CC after the last 2 trips I took lugging my old lap top I started wanting something that would be easy to carry with me. The money spent was the same amount I would have on a Casino trip. I think this will last me a bit longer.
Very glad London has the olympics. My plan was to rent out my condo and leave town for 2 weeks. I don’t like big crowds.
Gonna be hot today and all week. Need to figure out what I am going to wear to work.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Dragged my sorry butt  to the pool. Ahhhhhh. I should do that more often. Neighbors were at the picknic tables. What a shame. I have lived here longer than almost anyone and I have never made a friend here. How silly is that? My sister socalized a bit when she lived here but I have never had a neighbor in for coffee. I’ve lived here almost 20 years! Even when my friend who lived downstairs who passed away never came for coffee. This is a 12 unit building. I know the names of 3 people.
Maybe I make bad coffee??
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! My mother would tell you that it would not be a good idea to get to know the neighbours because they might come over wanting to have coffee. I learned that lesson well, so I keep far away from my neighbours. We wave at each other and look out for each other, but have never socialized with them. After hubby left tonight, I gambled as I was feeling too overwhelmed. For the record, I accept that my life had become unmanageble but I have yet to totally surrender to the idea that gambling beat me. I’m still using it sometimes as a coping tool. I am totally messed up these days. Carole 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Woke to a storm this morning, a big one. I’m sure there will be some trees down when I leave for work.
Carole I posted on your thread. I feel your pain and I think I am "qualified" to say I know how you feel today. Thats the worse part of being a cg, we think we have hit our "bottom" and are ready for recovery and then we find we can easily find a new "bottom". As Ken would say, "If you want to get out of a hole stop digging." ( I think that was Ken! )
Time for another coffee and off to work.
bettie

[vera]

Good that you can get to the pool, Bettie! I wouldn’t be seen dead in a public pool….(talking about pools, a four year old was brought in to A and E  2 days ago…swimming with his dad in the local pool…found floating in the play pool…prounounced dead a few hours later. God help the parents. Doesn’t bear thinking about. The flags are flying at half mast over that aqua centre today Very sad…and WE think we have problems…)
A storm in July, B?
Is that unusual?
thanks for posting to my "weak" thread!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes it is normal to have storms however unusual to have one in the early morning. We need the rain so bad but too late to save the crops for the most part. 106f for Larry today! Only in the 80’s here but the humidy is awful.
I stay in the water once i make my big splash. I have a huge beach towel to wrap as soon as I am out. I love the water, always have. I almost drown when I was 5. I had a life jacket on wrong and was floating down stream upside down! My cousin jumped off a clif and dove in and rescued me. My mom was screaming not to let me go back in the lake. My dad said shut up and let her go back or she will never get in the water again.
My dad was such a smart guy!
I should get moving and do a little workout. I haven’t in over a week and I wonder why I can’t keep weight off. I want it all but don’t want to work for it. Guess it doesn’t work that way.
bettie

[trulyshi]

Hey kiddo, seems to be cooler today and I’m hoping it doesn’t heat up as the day goes on.  Really DO NOT feel liking working today, just dragging my you-know-what around the house this morning.  Anyways, you have a good one and I’ll talk to you later.  Deb

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! The days here are getting cooler and produce is ripe to pick so that tells me that we’re slowly easing into fall. Probably not what anybody wants to hear. Flowers have bloomed and the only ones left are the die hards it seems, like marigolds and petunias. I was planning to weed my memorial garden today but it is overcast which means mosquitoes so am not going to do that. May do some cleaning. My toe is still swollen and bruised but it is less painful as long as the dogs and cat don’t accidentally touch it. I have not taken one day to lay in my yard on a lounge chair and read a good book this summer yet. No roadtrip, no nothing! I haven’t done anything for me it seems, thinking I don’t have the time. We are not going to do a lick of work other than dishes (have dishwasher) when you’re here. I’m going to take the whole 5 days to enjoy your visit and meeting Cat. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I am trying hard not to have a frowney face .
Jen has not heard from the job she interviewed for . I tried to put a positive spin on it-no news is good news.
Last minute customer approached my co partner to open new accounts. $450 thousand dollars, just walked in the door! He will make his new money goals with just one customer plus make some cash on the deal. I know it wasn’t meant for me and I am supost to say Good on him and know God has something better intended for me. I am trying to be positive which is not a strong point for me. I have put in some good loans and a few good accounts so I need just to be grateful.
God Grant me the Serenity……..

[trulyshi]

I know that in my bank Bettie if the money doesn’t stay there very long, ie. over a month, then the money doesn’t count towards goals.  I had someone deposit $450k and then took it all out and invested it elsewhere within a week.  Just keep doing the excellent job you are and don’t worry about the other guy.  Slow but sure wins the race.  Debbie

[desdemona]

Hey Bettie! Thursday evening, you must be at your GA meeting, and didn’t have time to post. Has Jen heard about the job she interviewed for? I hope she gets it as she could use a bit of good news. I’m starting to feel a bit saner. Gambling, in response to stress, can make a person feel like they are losing their grip on their sanity. Some of us have to hang onto our sanity really tight. lol! I am looking forward to just relaxing when you are here. You probably could use some down time as well. Margaritas and bbqs, a campfire, and fresh country air, and floating down the river on our inner tubes. I’m going to go to the tire shop and get two of them, one for each one of us. There’s a chance that we may see otters floating down the river as well. Did you know that they hold hands when they float so they don’t get seperated. We might even go fishing. They have walleye (pickerel), jack, and trout in the lake. As well as tubing being pulled behind the boat. I hope the weather will be nice. Carole 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Brother of the person who opened the account Wednesday came in and opened an account w/100 thousand dollars. Needless to say I didn’t get that one either!
Jen still had no word from the job.
I feel like cr*p. Home resting-no meeting for me tonight.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Sorry you’re feeling yucky! Sorry you didn’t get either of those accounts. And that Jen hasn’t heard about the job yet. Either way, it’s nice for employers to let the people know, whether the candidate is successful or not. Has she applied for other positions as well? If I find a guy that runs circles around me and jumps up and down because he’s so excited to see, I’m sending him to you. Never mind asking him if he has a brother! lol! Carole 

[finding_laura]

Morning Bettie,
sorry things don’t seem to be going your way, it can be such a struggle sometimes to keep positive.  If we look at what others have or get though it could be very depressing indeed.  There are always going to be those that seem to slide through life without much effort, with good things coming their way in abundance.  On the flip side there are so many more people in this world worse off than us as well.  I’ve never been much of a believer in god or our higher power taking much interest in us.  Would kind of defeat the purpose of free will.  Would also maybe seem to say that some are more deserving than others. That some are entitled to "rewards".  What did the poor souls in Africa that are starving do to deserve their fate? They couldn’t have all been dictators in a former life could they? 
Hope your Saturday in work is short and quick!  Do you have your step home work done?  Guess I’d better get working on mine!  See you later gator!
take care,
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just out of the shower and should be getting dressed.
Laura I do question a lot of things and of course I have no answers. Some days I am ok with "me", some days I’m not. I know I am so much better off than a lot but I do resent some of the things most people take for granted. I have been overweight since anout 6 years of age. Even more than being a CG, this is the one thing that has always plagued me. It has defined me my whole life. As a child, being told by well meaning adults, "you have such a pretty face", "don’t eat that candy" "hey chubbs". I have been on some kind of diet since I was 11. I have had little success mantaining weight loss. If I could change one thing, ask God one question, that would be the one.
I can’t help wondering what life would have been like if only I could have been "normal".
bettie

[desdemona]

Just my opinion Bettie, but I think you have a self-image problem more than a weight problem. You are letting one thing you don’t like about yourself define who you are. I adopted this motto many years ago, "what you see is what you get. If you don’t like it, move on!" Carole

[trulyshi]

I just wish you could see yourself through my eyes for even a second.  You are beautiful inside and out and your friendship means the world to me.  I’m having a really down day and feeling very sorry for myself.  I can’t even work up the energy today to pour myself a cup of coffee…….   big sigh.  Call me when you get home from work, Deb

[غير معروف]

Bettie I dont post much on your thread as you know, but just so as you know I think you are one of the most beautiful people who use this site. You’re much much more than somebody who is just normal; you are special. I can appreciate your weight gets you down, but not everybody has a negative opinion of larger people. I think with any complex we do ourselves a lot of damage by second guessing what others think of us, or how we are perceived…..What do you think when you see bigger people, nothing derogatory I would reckon. Keep on trucking Bettie. Take care. Geordie. Living a life instead of living a lie…..Recovery is priceless.

[bettie]

It’s funny how some people dream big dreams. The car, house, spouse and kids. Simple things really, kind of a right of passage so to say. You know what I dreamed about last night-weight loss surgery.
I’m having one of those hormone driven down days-Feeling blue. It is beautiful outside. If I had someone to go with I’d drive to the beach.

[vera]

I’d love to go to the beach with you B!

[bettie]

Hey whats stopping you? Oh yea-that whole ocean thing!!

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Feeling blue will pass as it is probably hormone driven. Debbie has met, I have met you, as well as others on this site, and we still want to be close friends with you. I wonder why that would be?? Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
So I made something out of my day. I called my brother-also down in the dumps-and started ripping my balcony apart.
My condo assocation-in their infinate wisdom decited that every unit owned needed to maintain their own balcony. They are rought (sp) iron raillings with wooden inserts. The metal is rusted away at the bottom of the squares that the wood inserts sit in. The wood is rotten. So with no instructions besides just do them I have been putting this off and the deadline is Aug 1st! I wanted to start scraping the metal but couldn’t get the wooden pieces out so I had my brother come over. Mind you I was just going to slop a coat of paint on the rails and call it a day-LOL! Not with my brother-the master task master taking the reins! Now I have to scrap, sand, prime then paint the rails. He made me buy proper paint brushes too! No cheapies from the dollar store! He has measured the inserts and will be cutting them out tomorrow. A gallon of paint was $40! I spent over $100 on supplies and still need to buy carpeting for the deck. That will be another $45.
The assocation is having the drive sealcoated and we are getting new carpet in the hallways. It is a big pain in my butt but it will be nice when it is all said and done.
My coffee pot died today (RIP MR COFFEE!!) so I bought a new one today too. ( Welcome New Mr Coffee! )
At least I will have coffee to start my day tomorrow.
I am pooped.
bettie
 

[kathryn]

No wonder your pooped B,
Nothing like a do-it-yourselfer to make you buy the good stuff!!!!  Im sure you will look at your new balcony with pride when all is said and done. 
I have been like a bear with a sore head this weekend, call it hormones, call it waking up on the wrong side of the bed, call it what you want i have been a nightmare!!!  I wouldnt want to live with me!!!  My only real high was spending the morning with my lovely daughter.  She is away doing her placement for her teaching degree for the next 2 weeks, i love that she cant do anything without going to see her mum, she is one funny girl and i love spending time with her.
Did you know that i have never owned a coffee pot?  I wouldnt know how to use one.  We have good old fashioned instant in my house, a teaspoon of that, 2 sugars and some boiled water, all done….lol.  I hope your new Mr Coffee is everything you have imagined him to be…LOL.
Love ya girl,
Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! How nice of your brother to come over and help you with the balcony. You will have something else to focus on for a couple of days and if you’re like me, you’ll stand back and admire the finished product. And you’ll know that it was a job well done. I’m just puttering around here today, not accomplishing a lot, but it’s a hot Sunday so I should be taking a down day.  Best to stay inside kind of day. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Gotta laugh. My brother called at 10am wanting to know if i had the scraping and sanding done. I asked if he was crazy-as I have morning sun. He said ok enough excuses so I got started. 1 & 1/2 hours later I am inside, dizzy and nausious and he shows up at my door. "Taking a break already?" So he proceeds to finishing the scraping and does the primer. I bought him lunch. No more painting here today but he went back to his house to give the panels a 2nd coat of paint.
As little as I did I am worn out.
Jen might be by later. As soon as I recover I need to do some house work.
I have such a good brother!
bettie

[desdemona]

Way to go for your brother for all he’s doing for you. And of course to you for the hard work of sanding and scraping. My puttering around day turned into showering the screens for the windows. None were dirty except one, but they had all gathered pollen, so thought best to do them before now. And endless loads of bedding, and organizing! You can come now; your bed is ready. Now I’m alternating between vaccuming dog hair and cleaning the kitchen. Then I’m not going to do any more work for today. I am without a vehicle as I took my son-in-law’s truck back as he needs it Tuesday evening to pull his boat home from the marina. Less temptation to be places I shouldn’t be. lol! Carole

[bettie]

Here’s another good one.
Brother called and he is making dinner.
It’s offical-he is a workaholic!
bettie
 

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Your knee pain and my toe that is not healing very fast as it is still swollen and hurts when I’m on my feet a lot.  What a pair we are! Last night we had a big electrical storm that was almost as good as a fireworks display. So today the humidity is high, which is not pleasant. I looked out my window today and the leaves are turning yellow, which means fall is not far away. Spent my day cleaning and organizing a bit. Carole  

[velvet]

Hi Bettie
Your post that included Marilee’s old post brought back a memory.   Has Marilee been heard of by anybody?
Velvet

[trulyshi]

I think we should make you a token Canuck what with all the time you’ve spent in Canada lately, lol.  Try to elevate that leg as much as possible this week, you want it to be okay for your big trip out west next week.  My vacation is next week too and I plan on being as lazy as possible so I will try to think of you and Carole sipping your margueritas while I’m laying on the couch drinking my beer.  Deb

[bettie]

I should be getting dressed but here I am!
Carole we will rent wheel chairs if we have to! lol!
Velvet I think Marilee may have posted to Kathryn no so long ago.
Deb I think the coffee is better than the beer!
Now if I could just get this darn paint off of me…..
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I was outside finishing the painting and my brother called. I told him the painter was not allowed phone calls when she was working-he said yea well I’m the supervisor and need to know what the lazy *ssed painter was doing! lol!
I think I am done-and even if I am not I am done!
Got an interesting email from a very old friend from grade school. He is flying in tonight to suprise his mom for her birthday and hoped we might be able to get together for at least a drink. Since I am off tomorrow I hope we do get a chance to meet up. He brought me my first Valentines Day Rose when I was 15. I haven’t seen him since Jen was a baby-he moved away from the area. I still have the last birthday card he sent me sometime in the 1980’s. What a nice suprise to hear from him again.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Good to hear that you got the painting done on your balcony. So did you get to go for a drink with the old friend? My son-in-law came today and got the laminate down on another room so now all that’s left is a small hallway, small bathroom, bedroom, kitchen and living room. I still have some painting to do but will do that with a tarp after the flooring is down. And of course there’s baseboards and more cleaning, but it’ll all get done. I hung some of my pictures today. That’s me, often putting the cart before the horse. No flooring but I got pictures. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well Carole we are talking about me and a "date" of sorts. Talk about excuses-he had a good one. Bomb threat at the airport he was to fly out of! Well at least it was true-I heard it on the news last night, He is not coming in until Friday PM and has suggested Sunday so maybe we’ll do lunch then.
My sleeping has been total cr*p. Up at 6am on my off day-again. Lots to do-cleaning and washing. Time to drink lots and lots of coffee!
bettie

[trulyshi]

Great minds think alike girl.  I’ve just made a giant pot of coffee and I’m going to ingest as much of it as I can before going off to work.  I think I might do a road trip of my own next week and go to visit my son.  He’s a 5 hour drive away and if I can get up the nerve to conquer my "highway demons" I’m going to do it.  I’ve always hated driving on the highway, the trucks scare the crap out of me.  Other than sitting on the couch all week though I think it might be a good alternative.  Keep that leg elevated as much as you can, don’t try and overdo it today.  Luv ya, Deb

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I remember during final exams in university we would get bomb threats called in. Probably some lunatic that wasn’t ready to write the exam. That would sure mess up an airport’s flights and the connecting ones for people. I do hope that you two get together and have that drink, and reconnect. Is that guy married/single/ or otherwise?? I’m hoping my son-in-law shows up today to do some more flooring and that I at least have a kitchen floor before he goes back to work. We are paying him and I told him I would pay him as he went. I am doing laundry and should run into town to do a few more errands like pick up my mail which I haven’t done in about 2 weeks, and pick up the memorial plaque for my MIL’s scattering of her ashes this weekend. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Based on what little I know from FB he never married. As for the rest? No idea. He was a stand up guy when we were growing up-and I hope he has remained much the same.
Just touched up the rails and need to go get the wash-3rd load. Thats what I get for being lazy last week.
They are working on the drive/lot today. If I move my car I may not have a spot to park in when I get back but I need to get grocerys.
I don’t want to have to walk 2 block with grocerys but I may have to.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! It rained all day today and the temperature was 13 Celcius. People had on coats and hoodies. I woke up during the night as I was cold. Had both windows open and was covered with a sheet and thin blanket. My son-in-law is over at the mobile putting in more flooring but it’s a slow process as he’s working by himself. I went to town and picked up the plaque for the scattering of the ashes and it looks really nice. Did a bunch of other errands and turns out I had three weekly newspapers so it’s been over 2 weeks since I picked up the mail. That’s so unlike me not to go get it. I bet if I was expecting a cheque of some sort, I would have gone before this. I’m tired today. Sounds like you’re getting yourself organized with laundry, groceries, and having touched up the railings. I sure hope you don’t have to walk 2 blocks with groceries with your knee being so injured. Carole

[bettie]

Got "lucky" with a parking spot but I don’t dare move my car. I went to get the carpet for the balcony thinking I could get it in the car. Called my brother, he said why did’t u have them roll it the other way (5×12 vs 12×5) Well it came off the roll that way! I had to leave the carpet to pick it up after he gets back from the dentist. He’s not happy but baby sisters are a pain in the butt!!
Knee is not awful but it’s not happy either. I will manage just fine.I only bought a few things to get me by so I only had to carry 4 small bags.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I’m coughing and am hoping it’s not a cold I’m getting.  I napped for 4 hours and just woke up and it’s 9:00 pm, so am going to try and go back to sleep within an hour. I’ve had to put on a winter comforter on my bed as it rained pretty much the whole day and it’s cool out there. Hubby finally filed a police report on the "moose" hitting his new truck. He even drew a funky picture of a moose on the report, but to me it looks more like a dog. So now I have to take it to the police station here tomorrow. Also have a haircut appointment tomorrow so I was going to town anyways. Glad you got blessed with that parking space. Toe is still sore and I accidentally walked into a laying down dog with my sore toe. One night I was walking in the dark and fell completely over a sleeping dog and landed on my hands over the big dog. I thought for sure I was going to break something but luckily I didn’t. How is the weather today in Illinois?? I saw the story and pictures of the bus crash- very sad. Isn’t that the busline that Larry uses?? Carole  

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie,  Hope you girls (Carole) are feeling better soon as your trip is coming up.  I wish I was going too!!  Calgon take me away!!!  You will have a great time as Carole makes you feel right at home.  Have fun and make sure you keep us posted about your adventures.  Take care!!!Seize all the good things in life

[trulyshi]

I have these visions of you with your sore knee and Carole with her sore toe, hobbling together to the porch, with your arms around each other in order to hold each other up, and a marguerita in your free hands.  Deb

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Just checking your thread to see what you’re up to, but you haven’t posted today. What are your weekend plans? I slept for about 14 hours yesterday. I seem to do that on occasion and don’t know why. Nobody needs 14 hours of sleep. I’m taking 2 of my renters to the lake for a big family party on Sunday. Monday is a stat holiday called Heritage Day. I imagine the day is to celebrate multi-culturalism in Canada. We even have a stat holiday in Alberta in February called Family Day. It’s a day to do things as a family, and they provide lots of free things to do. I took the police report hubby did up to the station here, and hubby is upset as they want him to come in and do the report, not just get the form from some guy and get me to bring it in. The girls at the station were amused at the picture he drew of the supposed moose. He likes to think that he can circumvent the rules and do it "his way." My renters are having a campfire. The same campfire I prepared for you and I. They are drinking beer and invited me for a drink. They are polite 20 year old boys. They are playing their Newfoundland music which I enjoy but it all sounds like pirate music to me. Carole  

[bettie]

"Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!" LOL!
Just home from my meeting-stuck in a traffic jam-road construction! I almost exited early then said to myself-na! Dummy me!
I hope to finish the balcony tomorrow and I hope to hear from my friend on Sunday.
I am pooped-long day!
bettie
3 sleeps!!
 

[trulyshi]

I was so excited to get your package in the mail.  Thank you so much for the two Melody Beattie books.  You are such a sweetheart and you really made my day.  I’m going to read them over the next week while I’m off work.  It’s been so long since anyone has done something nice for me and after reading one of her books from the library I can’t wait to get into these.  Even though I’m jealous that you are getting a proper vacation on your time off and I’m going to be staying home, I’m so happy for you that you’re spending it with a good friend and will be able to get away for a bit.  Western Canada is beautiful country, make sure you take some pictures this time, lol.  Luv ya twin girl – Deb

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
So glad the package got there Deb!
My friend called and we are on for lunch tomorrow. He really wants – guess what- Chicago style pizza! Of Course! Thats what everyone who comes to Chicago wants! ( NOT St Louis Larry-CHICAGO PIZZA! LOL!!)
I finished touching up the balcony and now it is about to storm! I am praying it is dry enough or my brother will have me rescraping and repainting!
As soon as my head stops hurting I am going to clean this pig sty. Painting gives me a headache!
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Being the hopeful romantic that I am, wouldn’t that be a love story to reconnect with this guy and it turned out to be happy ever after. He liked you before because you said he gave you your first rose……… I know it’s just lunch.  Did some laundry and house work today and the summer students painted some of the sheds and cut the grass, so we went out to BP for supper. I was going to make a raw vegetable salad to bring to the big supper at the lake tomorrow, but it would have meant I had to stop at the grocery store, so I decided to bring a big pot of yellow and green beans from my garden instead. I killed my back bending over picking them, and then I had to clean them and tip and tail them. Then I had to stand at the stove while I cooked a big package of hamburger for my dogs. Those flipping dogs! And they are right there underfoot while I’m cooking as they know it’s for them. My daughter got injured today riding her long distance bike. She has bruises and scrapes, and she hit her head so hard that it dented her helmet. It really scared her as she knows what it’s like to have a brain injury as I had an assisted living group home for people with acquired brain injuries. I’m tired tonight from doing odds and sods today. I hope to get a few more things done before we go to the lake tomorrow. I don’t know if I want to participate in the ash scattering aspect of it tomorrow. I don’t want to know where her ashes are scattered. It’s just too sad for me and I don’t like that it’s being held in conjuction with my sister-in-law’s father’s yearly memorial party. Surely this dear woman who devoted her whole life to taking care of a military husband and five sons, deserves a day of her own. Carole 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Now Carole, bettie+guy ( any guy ) = zilch!
No he’s not married and he doesn’t have a girlfriend but he does have a same sex life partner. I am glad for him. It must be so nice to be comfortable in your own skin. He seems happy. He had a very hard life as the son of an alcoholic. I remember some awful things that happened to him when we were kids. He deserves the happiness he has found.
Brother called-he wants a name and address of where I am "really" going-lol! He said if I went missing he wouldn’t know where to send the cops to find me! Remember- he doesn’t know about my CG- or my recovery friends. I think he thinks I am going to meet some strange man from the internet. Poor brother!
My brother also finished off my balcony and it lookd pretty good. I have to think of something nice to do for  him.
3pm and I need to pack!
One more sleep!!
bettie

[trulyshi]

Just tried to give you a call, you’re either busy packing or out for dinner.  Will try again later, I’m going to get some dinner right now and dive into the pile of laundry that I’ve been avoiding for the past few days.  Talk soon, Deb

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Sleeps are over and I am getting ready to leave for the airport. Didn’t sleep much-no suprise there-but maybe I catch a wink or two on the plane.
I’ll check in this week.
So excited!!
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I didn’t aleep much either last night. I’m very excited that I get to see you and my hubby tonight. I can’t hardly believe that the day has finally arrived. It’s been kind of like waiting for Christmas to arrive when you’re a kid. It’s almost too much excitement. It’s hot here today! Carole 

[bettie]

I have arrived!!! WHOO HOO!

[trulyshi]

So glad you arrived safe and sound and had a good trip.  I just enjoyed a coffee on the porch too and now need to make a fast run to the grocery store.  I’m going to attempt homemade pasta sauce for my son-in-law, he hates onions and can’t find a canned sauce without them.  Hope the weather there is as nice as it is here and say hi to Carole for me.  Deb

[bettie]

Back from a boat ride and fishing W/ Caroles family. Anyone who knows me on FB I posted a video and photo.
Had a nice relaxing day, including a nap!!
bettie

[cat438]

Thank God that GT Is back!
This is not Cat but bettie in disguise! In edmonton, enjoyed a nice dinner and shopping w/ Carole and Cat! Off to bed soon and airport home tomorrow!
tc
Bettie

[trulyshi]

I agree with you, it’s funny how dependant you become on something.  I didn’t realize just how many times a day I checked in here and then when it wasn’t available I was a bit lost.  Glad you are enjoying yourself, you’ll have to get used to home cooked meals again soon, lol.  Safe trip back and I’ll talk to you soon.  Deb

[bettie]

Hi guys,
Sitting in the airport, one hour till my flight. I had a great time with the gals, afraid i may have scandalized Carole and Cat by taking them into a “girlie” type shop! We laughed so hard the young cashier was smiling at us. As Cat said it was a Hoot!
The gifts of recovery are wonderful. If i had not been a Cg i would have never known these wonderful people or had this lovely trip. I feel loved today.
Bettie

[desdemona]

Waiting to hear that you’re home safe and sound. Thanks for the enjoyable visit. We could have used another day at West Edmonton Mall to look around. Bettie is referring to a sex boutique. Lots of nervous giggling and laughing going on. Bettie knew what everything was and its exact application, and gave us a lesson in sex education. Carole

[trulyshi]

Aha, is that where you’re moonlighting as a part-time job Bettie?

[bettie]

He He Deb!
Funny to get up and have my morning coffee and see two squrrels running around! There are not many near Carols house but with the dogs that should be no suprise! lol! Truth be told I didn’t even see one! The humming bird who had coffee with me and Mick is missed. I will have to settle for the black birds and cardnals that are around here. I am still sleepy but I need to do a little wash and get some grocerys in.
bettie

[cat438]

Hi Bettie, maybe I will go back to the "shop" today and buy some of those toys you recommended LOL, just kidding and thanks so much for the sex education!!!! One day at a time my sweet lord…

[finding_laura]

Morning Bettie,
I’m glad you had such a great trip!  The gifts of recovery are priceless if we recognize them.  Catch you later,
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Back to work, day 2. My lovely boss scheduled me to close yesterday so I had a nice long first day back. Asst Manager is on vacation this week so I will be the only banker today. I also came back to rumors that our bank is being sold to a Canadan bank. God loves irony!
Been thinking about gambling relaspe. It’s funny that I think in terms of how much I could "afford" to loose. As a CG I know there is no win. That being the case why even entertain the thought of doing it?
Time to go to work.
bettie

[bettie]

What a difference a year makes.
This time last year I was busy planning my 1 year "gamble free". I had a sponser, I was 20 pounds lighter and I was excited about recovery.
My how things change. I wonder if I will ever make another year "gamble free", I can’t find a f 2 f sponser but am reworking the "steps" with an online buddy. My knee injury and drug interactions have set back my weigh progress ( and poor eating doesn’t help! ). I am more complacent about recovery-and not excited about it any more- at least not like I was. I keep buying recovery books-guess I have to open them and start reading!
I read in a local paper about 6 more arrests at the new casino here. 4 fake id/under age people and 2 EXCLUDED persons, charged with trepass and they published their name and addresses! Glad to see the enforcement quite frankly. Makes you think twice about violating your banning.
bettie
They caught a coyote in Chicago proper-for the 2nd time! Have to let that one out further into the woods!

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… I am more complacent about recovery-and not excited about it any more- at least not like I was …

Good morning Bettie,
I seem to be in a less-serious mood today than I have the past few, but still do not feel that it is taking away from the serious side of my recovery. Being so, I will first say that it is not the coyotes in Chicago that present a wildlife problem, it is the, and not to mention any names, cougars that pray on the young lol.
And to add to the lighter side of my post, yet with a subtle moral end. When I was working in a high stress and controlled assignment in my past job we seemed to goof off a little to help remove the stress and make our extended hours more bearable. In one meeting a high ranking officer in charge of operations, or at least he thought he was in charge, was in the process of laying down the law when some of us continued with our joking during his meeting. This irritated him some, and in an attempt to regain control he himself told a joke, and then added "but lets be completely serious now". At the same time he uttered those words, he flatulated (fancy word to prevent f*** from being censored). The moral being, that even when being serious the human side of us pops out, it is part of our make up. And I can not hear the word "seriously" with out thinking of the instance.
You say that you are not as excited about recovery as you were, yet you find excitement in the benefit that you get by not gambling. Perhaps your excitement is only being shown in your more human side, a side that was surprised by t the control of this addiction, but nevertheless still within your desire to stop gambling. Perhaps your complacency is more like you having confidence in yourself, and your work in recovery,although seemingly "stale", is still as strong. Compulsive gambling is a baffling and insidious addiction, and it can cloud our thoughts in many ways. Sure you have mixed some social time in with your recovery, the free time at the GA conference that the three of us enjoyed for instance, but in telling of your visits and escapades, you also mention thoughts about recovery — sometimes the seriousness within us pops out when we are being human also.
Take a close look, "a fearless inventory", of where you are today and where you were at the start of this journey, or even where you were when you almost reached a year milestone. You physical appearance may not be where you want, who’s is, but your recovery is progressing, you are moving forward toward a more normal way of life — "progress, not perfection" shows the success of your efforts.  Maybe reading the books will help you stay more focused, and can even teach you somethings;  just your knowing what you should do is also important but you can make things even better by adding to this awareness, crack open the books, read them, and take what will help you and use it  — all of this while continuing working on the basic and simple Steps of recovery. The first step being, " admitting that our lives had become unmanageable"; had become does not mean that it is meant to stay that way — take charge and manage you life and your recovery, including the social part of it that intertwines with the working part.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware. Keep progressing.
p.s . and to close on the humours, or human, side;  remember it is good to be human, or as some realize when being completely serious, "It is better to f*** in shame than hold it in and be in pain"LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind", another year behind, and with the help from all , I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[trulyshi]

A year can certainly make a difference, good or bad.  I was a bit more optimistic a year ago regarding my relationship, but I was also gambling heavily, so I definitely wasn’t looking at my situation through "sane" eyes.  Anyways, I think that you are doing so well, you’ve actually left the country TWICE this year and taken time for yourself.  Perhaps the next trip should be somewhere exotic or European.  Hope you have a good weekend and get to enjoy your Sunday.  Debbie

[chubbycat]

Hi Bettie
So glad you all caught up. I love to hear of the adventures and of people meeting up from here, its so exciting. Bettie, i know you are saying you are not as excited about recovery anymore but you are doing it!!! That is the great thing. Hope to see you soon for a chat
Chubbycat
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Larry u always give me a lesson and a chuckle! Thanks for your perspective. Always welcome here.
"Sane eyes", I get that deb. Those can often be liberating and painful at the same time/
CC always good to see u a round.
I am just beat! I have had a reoccourance of the muscle pain issue, in fact, it is not too easy to even type. My shoulders and neck hurt. I just took a pain pill but they seem to do very little to ease the aches. I called my Dr yesterday and asked for a switch back to the insulin that I used to be on. I went to pick it up today at the little pharmacy up the street and they said since they had 1 full package and samples and not the full package i should have gotten that I could have the RX and NO CHARGE! Wow-ever heard of that before? Sometimes it pays to go to the little local guy-I am sure this would have never happened at he major drug chain here. That saved me $50-which I went and spent at the grocery store.
Went to dinner with both of my big brothers. Went to a local bbq place and had the best pork chop ever! My brothers brought all 4 loads of my wash up for me. God Bless them as I don’t think I have the strength to have gotten it all up here tonight.
Enjoying the Bears game and drinking a diet root beer.
Off to bed soon.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Sorry to hear that your shoulders and neck hurt so much. Pain can be exhausting physically and emotionally. Have your brothers always been that supportive? That always feels great when good things happen like someone blessing us with something unexpected like a free Rx. I hope that the change in insulin helps you a lot. Hope you feel better very soon. Carole 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I am just off today. I have been laying around napping and eating what ever junk I can find. I have a headache and just feel sluggish. 4:30 pm and I never even got dressed. It’s a beautiful day-wasted.
I feel like I am just watching life pass me by. I hate this feeling.
Just put on a pot of coffee, maybe I’ll salavage part of this day.
bettie

[desdemona]

DearBettie! Sorry you feel you wasted a day! I got up late and then after helping my niece sew some quilt blocks together, decided to have a nap, and woke up four hours later. You work fulltime hours so I can certainly see that you would need a down day on a day off, plus you feel you may have been on insulin that you had negative reactions to, like being allergic. Plus all the physical pain you’ve been under.I have been giving serious thought to my skelton thin brother-in-law, his recent heart attack, and what I eat.  He was a bacon and egg breakfast eater and beef and potatoes. I’m thinking I need to change my eating habits. How many McDonald or A & W burgers and fries can a person eat before  it’s too many and it tips the health scale? I don’t think I want to find out. It’s like Willie Nelson saying if he knew he was going to live this long, he would have taken better care of himself. Thinking I should fast tonight and go get the blood work my doctor ordered about 6 months ago for me. I dreamt my doctor was in the last stages of dying during my nap today. Thinking I would go back to not having junk food in my house like I used to do. If hubby wants junk food he can go buy it himself. The doctor told my brother-in-law to quit smoking his pipe. I don’t smoke a pipe, only cigarettes. LOL! Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well Carole I find that when I am at work I think, gee, if I were home I would do this, that and the other thing. When I am off I do a little as possible! Lazy butt that I am!
I did finally shower then went out to dinner by myself. I went to a restruant that my sisters ex sister in law owns. I had a salad and suger free ice cream. It’s had to eat junk at home, its more like overindulging because I don’t keep junk here. I ate Mac and cheese for lunch-the whole package! Oh well, I really wanted it but not the best thing-all fat and carbs. I stopped off at Walmart and bought a few things, Oh, and i dumped the trash so not a compleate waste. I wish I had gone for a walk or sonething but I was just too wiped out. Guess I did need the rest and should not feel too bad about it.
Had a good chat this morning with my step buddy. Still back to step one but it is bring up some interesting conversations and is shaking out some of the cobwebs.
Early day tomorrow so time to hit the sack.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I would never call anybody lazy that works fulltime like you do. And with all your health issues, girl you’re doing good to do what you do, in terms of what you do on days off. My house gets to be a mess every day with 5 renters and 5 pets, 4 of them dogs. I have been feeling low emotionally lately and overwhelmed with the new dog’s behavior. Mowgi is peeing in my house again, jumping up and biting Ruffuss in the face anytime anyone talks to or pays any attention to Ruffuss. And he is barking a lot in that high-pitched bark of his. He peed on one of the renters work boots and woke one of the summer students up at 4 or 4:30 am. Mowgi is not popular with the renters right now. I also realized that because I have 3 renters whose home is clear across the country, and never go home on their days off, that I never have a day here, where there isn’t at least one renter here. One of renters works 8 day straight and then has 7 days off. Previous crews of renters I have had, would go home for 4 days at a time,  which would give me my house to myself for at least a few days. Sent hubby and past owner of Mowgi an email saying things are starting to unravel here with Mowgi. Hope you have a good day. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I guess it’s just old age. Pain seems to be subsiding only to be replaced by other pains! Oh well, this too shall pass but I am tired of feeling wiped out every day. Summer is slipping away and I feel like I haven’t been outside since before my trip. Carole the time did fly and I feel like you do too!
I have to get to the beach, even if it is only for a walk and I have to do it alone!
I am dog sitting and staying at Jen’s this weekend. She has no internet or cable so it will be quite for me.
I don’t know about Mowgi, kennel training? I am no dog pro-as a matter of fact my cats walk all over me-literaly!
Gambling thoughts are few right now. I don’t mind that at all.
bettie

[cat438]

Dear Bettie, sorry to hear that you are having problems with your health.  You really are having a rough time of it again.  I hope that you have not been overdoing it.  It is strange how when we have to go to work we get up and get motivated and get going; and when we don’t have to go to work we can get days that we don’t want to get out of our pj’s.  I think it must be our bodies telling us to take a day to take it easy.  I still laugh when I think of our visit to that store and you explaining all the items to Carole and I.  It really was funny and Carole really had a nervous laugh.  Take care of yourself.
Wishing you a wonderful day free of gambling.One day at a time my sweet lord…

[trulyshi]

Tried to call and am guessing you’re out for dinner or at your brother’s.  Hope you’re feeling better.  Luv ya, Deb

[bettie]

 
 
 "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this Power of our own understanding."
Step 3
Hi Guys,
I had really forgotten I was working this step this time last year. I got a reminder this week. I may have mentioned that I got a certificate awarded to me at the company picknic that I didn’t attend last Saturday. I went back and researched the numbers-the certificate was for Top 10 in sales for the reigon. I did make it 2 of the last 3 quarters-in fact I was the top sales person in my branch for all 3! I tried to think of what had changed, what did I do differently? I gave my sales goal to God. Really, I did, so I thought yesterday on my way to work that I am struggeling and I need to just "give it up-turn today over to God" and he will give me what I need. When I was asked at the morning warm up what I had planned for sales I even said it would be a suprise-as God was sending me a customer yesterday.
I had a customer walk in, ask for me, and opened an account for $70 grand.
I don’t think this step means we don’t have to do the work-I have courted this customer for a long time-but I think it means not to worry, do the right things, and let your "higher power" work out the detail. If I reflect I can clearly see that it did and it will make a difference in my life. There is no denial in the numbers.
I was going to go to the beach today. I didn’t sleep well and went back to bed and just got up. This place needs a pick up so maybe I’ll go a bit later. Not sure where the day will take me.
bettie
 

[cat438]

Bettie, congratulations on your achievement with sales.  I really struggle with worrying and I know that I do need to givet hings up to God.  I continue to work on it… and I could be receiving his message through you.  Take care and be a good girl LOLOne day at a time my sweet lord…

[trulyshi]

You were rewarded for being such a sweet, amazing saleswoman.  Way to go.  I hope you frame that certificate.  Hope you made it to the beach, sorry missed talking to you tonight, went out for dinner with a girl from work.  It’s nice being footloose and fancy free, lol.  Deb

[maverick.]

Hi Bettie, just a quick post to thank you for all of your posts and input, believe it or not I do read a lot of posts but I am afraid to say dont have much time to respond to many, so felt the need to say thank you for all you do and your support on this forum is amazing, I wish you all the very best in your recovery and life, I hope life is being kind take care love Maverick.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Woke up too early today. After having babysat the grand dogs and cats I don’t feel like I even had a day off this weekend.
I didn’t make it to the beach last week-maybe this Thursday.
Wish I had slept longer today.
Thanks for the posts.
bettie

[stormy]

Hi bettie,

Congratulations on getting that top saleswoman cert!
Being a salesperson definitely isnt easy and you must have worked hard for it.
Take good care of yourself and have a nice day off!

Stormy."The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket."

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I went to the post office yesterday to pick up my mail and in the contents of my mailbox, I found something had been mailed to me from someplace like Pittsburg. I thought to myself, I’m not expecting anything in the mail, so was a bit annoyed that someone had "wasted" money mailing me something that was just going to end up in my recycle bin. To my surprise it was a book called The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie. I then realized that you had ordered this book for me and it made my heart happy that you would do such a kind thing for me. Thank you! Thank you! Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Guess that I haven’t posted in a bit.
Carole you are most welcome! Just a small token of thanks for all you have given me!
I think I am going to have to break down and schedule another appointment with my Dr. This pinched nerve or what ever the heck is it is driving me crazy. My gf was sitting next to me yesterday and I kept cramping up with shoulder and neck pain as I tried to talk to her. Same thing today when I was taking care of a customer. Same thing now as I try to type. Not comfortable sitting up, not comfortable laying down. Arms up, arms at my side-I think I am going crazy! I am eating over the counter pain killers like candy and I am afraid that I will never be comfortable again!
Well enough about me!
bettie

[finding_laura]

Dear B,
I’m so sorry to hear that you are in such pain. I have had the same thing many times and it is agonizing. Sending prayers your way that it works itself out. xo take care

[trulyshi]

Thinking of you, gf.  Sorry that you’re in such pain.  Please get it checked out, even if you think there’s nothing they can do.  Missed talking to you last night.  Wishing you a good day at work, even though you’re not feeling up to par.  Debbie

[sherry123]

I hope you get some relief for that shoulder pain. Although you’re not gambling, I remember how my neck and shoulders always hurt from those hours and hours of sitting at the slot machine tensely pushing the button over and over and over. I feel for you and hope you get it taken care soon.

[trulyshi]

Hey, where’d you go?  Aha, there you are, all the way over on page 3.  Now you’re back on top where you belong. 

[bettie]

Ok you got me!
I’m hiding out on page 3 because the discussions of late hit home-hard.
It’s said that 1 in 4 woman in any given room have suffered abuse of some sort in their life. I think in a recovery group it is more like 3 in 4.
Some here know I too have had emotional/physical/sexual abuse. There is something in particular that I am in great denial of. Carole has asked me why I don’t trust what flashes back to me as a memory and the answer is I can’t, because if that memory is true it will destroy all the good memories I have of that person.
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
 … if that memory is true it will destroy all the good memories …

Good morning Bettie,
Hiding out is not good, but I can see where we want to a lot of times; we just don’t want to have the truth smack us in the face. But apparently you are not hiding out entirely, or are easily found by your friends, you are peeking around to see and read about the things that are bothering you, you are keeping aware of what you and others share with each other. This in itself will go a long way for you to let go in near time.
Let go of what, is the question to face?  As taught in the Serenity Prayer, we need to seek the wisdom to be able to tell the difference between what we should hold onto and what we should let go.  Everyone has good and bad memories of those in our past, but somehow the good memories can be separated when they outweigh the bad ones, and we live knowing that our times together was in truth good times.  But, when good memories can not be separated from the bad, when the bad overpowers all of the wishful good memeries,  the ‘good’ ones are not memories at all, they are only illusions that we put together in unfulfilling hopes that the truth will not seem so bad.  A hard choice to distinguish and make, but one when reached will provide better results than us not facing the truth. Either facing or denying the truth does not change what happened, but denying it, or hiding from it does change things, it changes us; it keeps us from being us. 
God’s speed. Stay strong. Let the Steps and the principles of recovery guide you in all aspects of your life, and let practicing them lead you away from being held captive to the triggers that the gambling addiction feeds on.
Your friend,
Larry

Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind", another year behind, and with the help from all , I hope to continue to remain gambling free.– 9/5/2012 2:21:43 PM: post edited by paul315.

[trulyshi]

No need to hide gf, you are an amazing, wonderful, lovely person with so much to give.  Anytime you need to talk you know I am here for you just as you have been there for me whenever needed.  Luv ya tons, Deb

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! I thought that something emotionally based was going on with you, but wasn’t sure what it was. I have been busy with hubby home for 12 days (leaves to go golf Sunday evening with his friend, and back to work on Tuesday). And with helping, not enabling hubby’s daughter and friend Ingrid, who is probably at the Amsterdam airport as I write this, waiting for her long flight to Uganda. Plus this whole Mowgi scenario! And renters and cleaning and laundry, etc, etc. And then there was the lake party in the pouring rain. I wore my winter coat, hood and all, as I wasn’t going to be cold out there. I would suggest that you get yourself a skilled counsellor to help you navigate your dealing with those memories that come up for you. Mine was a painful journey in individual and group therapy dealing with my abuse issues, but one that was worth taking. I still need to deal with some parts that come up over the years, as a person is never completely healed I have found in my own experience, and the experiences of others. But it does get a lot better over time.  That darn onion seems to have too many layers to peel at times. I became a compulsive gambler because I had inadequate coping skills for my emotional pain. If we heal from our pain, and learn new coping skills, we have  a healthier, happier life!  I saw a boat called One Day At A Time for sale, and a motor home called The Gambler. Hubby thought he should buy that so you and I could go touring the country. I would never buy a motor home called The Gambler. (((Bettie)))! Carole 

[finding_laura]

Hey Bettie,
((( B )))) Sounds like some very deep and painful memories. Any time you need to talk I am here. Professional counselling sounds like a good idea if you can swing it at all. Larry’s words of wisdom also strike a chord. I don’t know how he manages to put things into words like he does. Things are not always black and white. I’m sorry for your pain, emotional and physical. Be kind to yourself, this girl is going through a lot. xo
Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Guess it’s time for a check in.
Got bad news today-my aunt that I visited in July passed away today. I am so greatful that I had made the time to see her and spent the day with her and her family. I have no details yet-she is 6 hours away from here- but Jen had offered to go if I want to make the trip. She was one of the most loving caring and selfless people I have even known. She had a special needs child and that boy had just the best possible life because of her. He passed 2 weeks before my brother and I had told her at the time that God had picked such a special mom for him!
Carole that would be quite a gamble traveling in that motor home! lol!
Thanks for the hugs and good thoughts my friends. I have sung this song before and have always chosen to put it on the back burner.
One of these days I’ll work through it.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie! Sorry to hear that your Aunt passed away, but happy to hear that she was a wonderful person and Mother, and that you got to visit with her recently. Was she your Dad’s sister? Good to see that you’re not lurking in the shadows anymore. Did you go to your GA meeting tonight? We had a beautiful Indian Summer kind of day today. I miss Mowgi a little but don’t miss his high pitched bark and his busyness! I only have 1 renter now so things have quieted down again. They will be really quiet when Danny goes back to work. I like him home but it drives me crazy his almost constant need for attention. I was on the way to my friend’s house to help her pack the other day and he phoned me saying that if I was coming out to the lake, I should bring him his medication, and he sounded like he was dying. It would have been closer for him to go home and get his meds than for me to drive back home and then out to the lake, so I told him that he’d have to go home and get them and maybe get someone to drive him if he was that bad.  Long and short of it, I asked him later in the day if he had gone home to get his meds, and he said he hadn’t because he was doing OK. I know him so well and it was his way of getting me out to the lake. I keep reminding him of the boy who cried wolf too many times! Carole 

[bettie]

Truth be told Carole my Aunt is an in-law. She was married to two of my dad’s brother! Her sister was married to another one-there were 8 boys-so her kids were 1st cousins and half brother/sister to each other! lol! Wrap your head around that one! She was only 59-she always struck me as older-if my unckles were still alive they would be in their 70’s. A true story of not judging a book by the cover. She swore like a truck driver yet was suck a kind and loving person. She was an "in your face person"-love me or to h*ll with you! lol! Such a great sence of self.
I missed my meeting but I did go to one on Monday. Went to dinner first with my guy friend from the group. That was nice and he suggested we do it again soon. He is a very nice guy.
Off to work!
bettie

[trulyshi]

Sorry about your aunt, she was way too young to have life be over for her.  She sounds like she was a real pistol and was alot of fun to be around.  Hope you have a stress free day at work and I’ll talk to you later.  Deb

[desdemona]

Dear Bettie!  I think that in past times before your Aunt was born, if a woman became widowed, it made financial sense for an unmarried brother to marry the widow and raise his brother’s children. There were no social programs like they have now. Did she divorce the husband to marry the brother or was she widowed? That would be a bit creepy to divorce your husband and marry his broher. AWKWARD!  I am finding out that I don’t/didn’t feel like I deserved recovery, and until a person starts feeling like they do deserve recovery, they are going to have a tough time achieving total abstinence from gambling. What are your thoughts on this? I am starting to see that slips do nothing but punish ME. I am so happy that I managed to get through yesterday without gambling. I could have had 2 EXCUSES to gamble: death anniversary and my husband getting so angry at me. When I finally take that purse out of the bag and start using it, look out! Carole

[sherry123]

Sorry about your aunt.  59 is way too young! 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Not to speak ill of the deceased but she was still married to the first brother when she had her 2nd child with the other. I have a vague memory of all that- i was young and she must have been in her early 20’s. It did cause quite a riff in the family. I remember taking a family trip that included the cheated on brother and he took off to the woods with a gun! I remember the men folk going out after him. Talk about a family drama!
Carole I don’t know that it is so much that we don’t deserve recovery as much as we feel like we don’t deserve ANY good thing. It’s that d*mned low self esteem. Since I still suffer from it I don’t know how to cure that.
I need a nap!
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie!!  Sorry about your Aunt’s passing.  My Grandmother married her Husband’s brother when her Husband died.  She had 8 kids and he was a widower and had 8 kids, they had one child together, my Mom.  You talk about the brady bunch!  LOL!!!  I agree with Carole thats what they did back then, merge families.  It’s still creepy to me!! Hope you have a good nap, take care!!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Found this on another site and thought it was well worth sharing.
thought for the day from Rabbi Twerski.
"Powerlessness – Powerlessness is not unique to addiction. I once had a terrifying experience. The shortest route to the hospital was down a steep hill. When the hill was icy, the police would set up barricades. One day, seeing no barricades, I reasoned that the hill must be safe. It was not and, try as I might, I could not stop the car or steer it into the curb. At the foot of the hill was a busy thoroughfare, and I knew I was about to be killed. It was only by the grace of God that I slipped through that busy intersection unharmed. One young man asked me, ‘Why didn’t you just jump out of the car?’ As I thought about his question, the answer became obvious. I did not jump out of the car because I kept on trying to control it. Even though my life was in danger, I stayed in the car trying to control the uncontrollable. Addicts are not the only people who cling to the illusion of control. But when addicts recover, they have an advantage because they now recognize their powerlessness. Though other people may have the same problem, they have not been in a recovery program, be it GA or AA or NA or another, and do not realize that they are trying to control the uncontrollable. This is what is meant by practicing the principles of the Twelve Steps in all our affairs."
Just food for thought!
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I guess I am a bit confused about the "who we help" statement. What are the ramifications? Does this mean that UK threads are closed? Does it mean that UK members can’t post to current threads? Can UK people parcipitate in chats? Even with funding issues how does NOT serving UK benifit the powers that be?
I’m not trying to be smart, just trying to understand.
I find this excluding current members mean spirited and very counter productive. Special prayers go out to anyone with the added stress of having this support pulled out from under them. I was "suspended" from the site in error during my early recovery and believe me I was in a pure panic. My heart goes out to all affected.
bettie

[kathryn]

I hear that B…….
Sorry about your aunt, I’ve had no computer as my charger died and I’m still,l waiting for the new one…..! I have an iPad now, hence the mistakes. Just wanted you to know I’ve missed being here xxxxx
K xxxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

I hear that B…….
Sorry about your aunt, I’ve had no computer as my charger died and I’m still,l waiting for the new one…..! I have an iPad now, hence the mistakes. Just wanted you to know I’ve missed being here xxxxx
K xxxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Back at the hotej. The wake was very very sad. My aunt was quite loved. I saw some people that i haven,t seen in years. I forgot that most people remember me 90 pounds heaver with darker red hair. I hope to be remembered like that some day in the distant future. She will be greatly missed.
Bettie

[chubbycat]

Hi Bettie sorry to hear of your aunt.  Glad you are doing well these days though.  Good news.  Glad you have some family round you at the moment, sounds like your brother is a great support to you
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
My brother would have been 52 today. It’s also the date 7 years ago that I hit my "jackpot"- and I was well on my way to becoming the CG I am today.
Time truely flys.
bettie

[icandothis]

Hi Bettie, Just wanted to thank you for posting to me on my thread.  I think you are right, our addiction likes to feed us with negative thoughts.  Our addiction also likes to tell us that things will get better if we hit the "jackpot"  and then, we will quit gambling and use that jackpot to improve our lives.  Such lies!  This must be an emotional time for you.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.  Stay strong! 
90 pounds lighter!!!!  Yeah, you!!!

[finding_laura]

grrrr sorry B, would you believe someone left both my phones off the chargers and they are both dead! I was wondering why there was no ringing! Have a quick day at work, feel better! — 15/09/2012 12:12:50: post edited by finding_Laura.

[bettie]

[nelly]

Hi I’m an impostor from the UK where’s trulyshi????.

[trulyshi]

Hey Nelly, I had my thread deleted but I have your email address.  I’ll write you tonight.  Deb

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… 7 years ago that I hit my "jackpot" …

Good morning Bettie,
It has been a while since I posted to you, but thanks for the call and the concern during my recent trip.  You may not have been there with me to see and share some time with, but you were there with me just the same, your were as in your posted poem, "with me when I needed you". The support and past post from you and others here help me keep my guard up when the circumstances are right for gambling. Sitting next to a poker machine in a bar or resturant, or seeing the casino outside my hotel window, are circumstances where being on guard is the best defence.
Hope all is going well for you; even with memories of past adversities and lost loved ones, and the ongoing trials of today, we can still be doing well and progressing in our renewed life. Keep looking for the wisdom, asking for God to "Grant you the wisdom to know the difference" between the things you cannot change (and do not need changed), and the things that you can (but are reluctant to try). The jackpot you hit 7 years ago has no comparison to the JACKPOT that you hit when you found this site and started on your journey of recovery, and started to enjoy its benefits instead of throwing the winnings away as with the gambling one.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware. Keep feeling the closeness of the "Friends you have never met".Larry Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind", another year behind, and with the help from all , I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Larry thanks for your thoughtful posts-to me and to everyone.
I haven’t felt much like posting-my life has a tendency to run on rollercoaster highs and valley lows. It’s the same old song for me -nothing changes if nothing changes. I’m tired and sad and confused sometimes, other times I am running on some kind of high. Maybe I am a bit bi-polor. And I don’t mean that lightly, because it is a serious thing. Maybe it’s being a woman "of a certain age", who knows.
I turned off my cell phone tonight as I didn’t want to talk to the person who kept calling me. I have to work on boundrys, and stop letting myself be used and abused emotionaly and physicaly. A friend asked why I keep seeing this person and it dawned on me that like my gambling I keep doing the same things over and over and expect a different result. Insanity for sure.
I am afraid my addiction in just sitting and waiting to take me over. Who said change is good? I would say it is scary but it is what it is.
Growing pains-ouch!
bettie

[vera]

Hi Bettie!
Belated condolences on the death of your young aunt! They say only the good die young B ! ( Some of us are in for the long haul!)
I think of you every day B. It seems we have lost touch. I have a meeting at midday today and after that, I intend sending an e mail to you, Carole and Larry ( who mistook me for a "Brit" and gave me his e mail address when he thought I might be excluded from GT!
Nobody can exclude us from Recovery except ourselves, B!
Likewise , nobody has the power to abuse us unless we give them that power. But you know all that already!
As my boss at work says, "take it handy!"
 

[trulyshi]

I am probably the worst person to give relationship advice since I myself stay in an abusive situation and allow myself to get hurt repeatedly.  When you’re on the outside, looking at someone else’s situation it seems to be alot easier to see what’s going on for someone else.  When you’re in the picture, it’s much more difficult to see what is happening, perhaps because we don’t want to see it.  Not sure how much sense this is making, but what I’m trying to say is that it really hurts me to see you being hurt.  The Bettie I’ve come to know and love deserves to be treated with kindness, consideration, love and, most of all, respect.  I wish you could see through my eyes, but I can’t do that anymore than you could make me see through yours.  All we can do is be there for each other, to listen, console and care.  Mood swings may come at a "certain age", but having your feelings hurt and being treated poorly is universal.  I’m just worried that our "knight in shining armour" may come galloping along and we’re going to be so busy trying to fix our "toads" that we may let him pass right on by.  Glad you turned your phone off last night and gave yourself a night off from being hurt.  It’s good to take a breather sometimes.  I’m here for you, g/f – during the lows and the highs.  No judgement, just concern.  Luv ya, Deb

[cat438]

Hi (((Bettie))) sounds as if you need a hug.  I know what you mean about the highs and the lows, being sad and confused at times and other times feeling so great.  It is tough to deal with all the different emotions.  I don’t think it’s being a woman "of a certain age" you are much too young to be of a certain age!!!!!
Congratulations on turning your cell phone off….  you are an awesome wonderful lovely person and deserve to be treated well and deserve nothing but the best.  Chin up and keep working recovery as you know what you need to do, and I know it is so much easier to say it than do it. You have helped me and so many on our recovery journey with your support so keep posting as I miss you. One day at a time my sweet lord…

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well this has turned into a week of loss.
I do believe I have finally ended a really unhealthy friendship. This has been extreamly painful for me and I am sure I will continue to greve for quite a while over it.
I lost another Aunt yesterday-my dad’s twin sister died. I had a nice conversation with my cousin yesterday.( one of her 10 children ) I won’t make that funeral as my boss will be furious if I ask for more time off and frankly I am not up for the trip. I am exausted from crying the last two days and feel physcally ill.
Woke up with high sugar today. I believe thats from the stress. I need to get my head in a better space.
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

 
… this has turned into a week of loss …

Good morning Bettie,
I am sorry for you loss and your hardships, both are hard to face and deal with, but death is the one that if final life as we know it here on earth; hopefully an afterlife will reunite us with our loved ones in a better world.  
Times like this brings to mind the words of the song "Mercy, Mercy, Mercy". In the introduction Cannonball Adderley expresses the thoughts behind this title: "You know sometimes we are not prepared for adversities, when it happens sometimes we are caught short. We just don’t know exactly how to handle it when it comes up. Sometimes we don’t know just what to do when adversity takes over …".  During this time for you I am using this song as a prayer for Mercy, comfort, and understanding to you and the others that are feeling this loss.
God’s speed. Stay strong. And well done on not adding to this adversity and unchanging part of life with wrongful actions that you can control; it doesn’t change the sorrowful feelings coming from a week of loss, but it does prevent having bad feelings coming from a different loss in the days that follows.Larry Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind", another year behind, and with the help from all , I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[cat438]

Dear (((Bettie))) so sorry for the loss of your Aunt. Also, no matter how unhealthy a friendship is and we know it is not good for us…. we still grieve the end of it.  It is an emotional time for you so keep coming back and posting and get support to help you through.  You need to look after your health and try and keep your sugar levels in check.  I wish I could find the words but I am sure that you know you did the right thing for you with the relationship even though it may be tough for you to deal with.  You need to look after Bettie and treat her with the love and caring that you show to others as she is a really neat lady!!!!   Thinking of you. One day at a time my sweet lord…

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well as "luck" would have it I took the rare invite out with friends for a drink and guess who showed up? He was kind and said hello. I excused myself to the restroom to gain my composure, went back to the table, hugged my hosts and left. I couldn’t even look at him to say goodbye. I got into my car and cried all the way home.
I still feel bad today. I should have at least said goodbye. i wonder how he felt when I hugged the others and not him? This was always a point of contention with me, as he did that to me in almost ever social situtation we were ever in together.
Payback is a b*tch!
bettie

[cat438]

Dear (((Bettie))), wow am I ever proud of you that you were able to compose yourself and walk away from a situation like that.  I can’t imagine how difficult that was for you.  Girl, you have come a long way to giving yourself the respect you deserve.  You are not a nasty person and you did what you had to for self preservation!!!  Keep taking it one day at a time that is all you can do.  When you want to give in and go back to him just keep remembering all the bad times and how you don’t deserve to be treat bad by him… you deserve to be treated with love and respect!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[trulyshi]

Congratulations for having the courage to walk away.  I will give you a call later today, I spent the night at my daughter’s unexpectedly, the baby has been running the household here and mom and dad needed to get a good night’s sleep.  Sarah slept all night for me and was an angel, they think I hypnotize her, lol.  I know this has been a rough week for you, know that I’m thinking about you and am proud of you – no matter what decisions you make I will always be here for you.  Talk soon, Deb

[chubbycat]

Hi Bettie
Im proud of you too. i think its wonderful you walked away. You know you are valued here. Wish you could see that value in yourself. Maybe you are beginning to because walking away from something toxic is a fantastic step in the right direction. Wish i could do the same with gambling, you have done it, good on you bettie, getting rid of all the toxic and negative things from your life
Chubbycat

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just not feeling good tonight. I am exausted from watching the grand dogs-they bark at night! I didn’t want to get out of bed today.
I think the chances of ever becoming friends with the "friend with no benifits" are almost zilch. In that letter I demanded what I wanted, what I needed and said in no uncertain terms that our "relationship" was very unhealthy for me, and things could no longer go on how they have been. Since he is not capable of loving anyone but himself, needless to say, this could not have gone over well with him.
I have decited to decline further invitations from the couple I went out with on Friday. They are his friends and there will always be a chance of him showing up. If he had showed up with a female I would have been devastated. Who needs that heart ache? For their part I must say they are sweet people, as  they came to my job on Saturday and apoligized for him showing up. It was no fault on their part.
Yea! Self esteem! – But- I have other compulsive things to deal with.
My eating-omg!
I also went on a spending spree and bought a new reclining sofa and loveseat! Oh well, I could have gone on a gambling spree and spent just as much-with nothing but heart ache to show for it- so things could be worse.
I think I’ll make some tea.
bettie
 

[finding_laura]

Hey miss B,
guess I’ve been missing quite a bit. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( B )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) So sorry for this heartache you are going through. Brave girl though. Because it takes a lot of courage to change the pattern, to go through the heartache, to get to the other side. It’s too bad you are losing a social group but to me that sounds like such a healthy choice, to avoid him altogether. Just like a bad slot machine! Enjoy those recliners! You deserve to be comfortable as you deal with your health issues. I missed you this weekend. Which reminds me, I’d better get cracking at my homework too! Chin up girl, chalk one up for self esteem 🙂
xo Laura

[cat438]

Hi Bettie, sorry you are having such a tough time, but so proud of you as well to find the strength and courage to do what you did.  That sure was not easy and it will be tough to continue so keep that resolve girl as you deserve to be treated with love and respect!!!! I believe what you did to get through this is called "retail therapy", LOL… but as you said at least you have something to show for it.  One day at a time dear Bettie!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[chubbycat]

HI Bettie
You are a brave girl.. I admire that you have taken this step. Good on you Bettie, get rid of those toxic things for your life. I think its great you bought that lounge, good on you. Like you said it could have gone in a machine but now you have something to enjoy rather than just lost money and not to mention the hangover after. Nice to see you again, i am back in recovery again slowly but surely. Lovely to get in touch with you again and i really hope things work out for you Bettie. I have always thought what a nice person you are here.
Chubbycat

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
You won’t believe this but maybe you will-cause my life is just like that.
The "friend" called and I answered. He needed to know about his account then called back to say his oldest son was robbed and shot today-in the middle of the afternoon. He called me from the hospital and he was in surgery but dr updated to say he was stable but lost a lot of blood and had dammaged some organs. I told him I would pray for his son-as i believe that God listens to sinners. This doesn’t change my feelings and the need to care for myself but I do feel sorry for what he is going through. I know first hand how hard it is when something happens to your child.
bettie

[vera]

Maybe it’s time to get some other person in the bank to deal with his business, B!
Maybe it would be more appropriate for him to call his son’s MOTHER to come the THEIR son’s bedside!   
Sorry if I sound heartless but I’ve had lots of those "sympathy calls" over the years. I now interpret them as saying, "I’m checking in to make sure that you are still there to be at my beck and call AND to make you feel guilty if you turn me down in my hour of need!"
Co dependency in disquise!
Testing 1 2 3!
Time for more tough love B!Send him a text saying
"Too late kiddo" or words to that effect!

[bettie]

Not to worry Vera. He was on his way to the hospital when he called. His son was in surgery well into the night. He is scheduled for more surgery tomorrow.
He has asked me for nothing and has not asked me to be "involved" in any way.
I read the story in the paper and it was on the local news so I know it is not trumped up.
Call it co dependent and maybe it is. I could never turn anyone away if they really needed my support. If he were to ask for anything more than support of some kind I would ask if his feelings have in someway changed, as mine have not.
Just getting older and wiser I guess.
bettie

[trulyshi]

The fact that you feel sympathy regarding his son’s situation speaks volumes for the kind of person you are.  I’m glad you are staying firm with your decision but also glad that you can still care when something bad has happened in his life.  It shows strength of character and it’s who you truly are.  I wouldn’t wish something like that on my worst enemy, there’s nothing worse than having something happen to your child.  Hold you head up high girl and be proud of who you are, I’m proud to know you.  Debbie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I am just exausted, getting ready to camp in this cold weather. Got off work early but had to shop as we are having Jen’s belated birthday party there on sunday.
Heard from my "friend" and the news is not good. His son has had more surgery and will still need more. They had to do a bypass , still needs surgery to repair his intestine and he has damage to his spine. He is currently on a resperator. I am afraid it will get worse before it gets better.
I think I am off to bed soon.
bettie

[finding_laura]

Hey B,
thinking you won’t be around this morning but just in case, I have plans and won’t be here for our usual Saturday morning chat. take care, Laura

[teegee]

hello, betty. im teegee. iv spent most of my life in the atl city casinos….i even worked in a few…i know what u go thour, its hard very hard for me. even rite now. i gambled in may of this year. an a few weeks ago. won some.. an then i was moving. so i needed some money . thats my thing.. when i need extra i go to the casinos… but, anyway. the time of hand now. is iv been driving around without no car insur .. an the other day i got pulled over.. so, as i ley in bed thinking what a dumass i am. for that. its not like i didnt have the money . its  the thrill of gambling …an that is a way of gamblimg for me . if i can go to the casinos…bad thinking.well would like to tell u more. will wait to hear from you. an if u need to talk ,im here also….ty
 

Originally posted by bettie
Today is my first day here. I was really suprised that so many people feel like they want to die after binge gambling. I am just shocked, I thought it was just me!
Of all the things in my life I must say I’ve never felt lower than I do right now. I am being threatned with forclusure and I haven’t been ontime with a bill in months. 
I have loved to gamble since I was a child. Pitching pennies was the start for me. I went to Atlantic City when I was 19, I looked older, and I spent the whole day on $50 bucks, food included. What a blast!
I played video poker in the bars at 21. It’s not legal but if you are known at the bar all you did was ask the bartender if they "paid out". They took a note of your score on a little pad of paper, shut the machine off, then paid you out.
Now you might get the impression that I have gambled all my life. The occasional lotto ticket was the majority of my gambling. I made my first trip to Vegas 16 years ago when my sister paid for the trip. She got married and needed a sitter for her daughter. I got to play "Real" machines and loved it!
This went on for a few years, the annual trip, 100.00 a day budget. Controlled, fun, hoping for a big win. About 16 years ago the "boats" open in Indiana. I had offers to go but declined. I knew I didn’t have the money to spend and somehow I knew I liked it too much. This changed about 5 years ago when a group of work friends were going and invited me along. I was hooked! It started with going 1-2 times weekly after that. I started racking up debt but refinanced my home, took a home equity loan, and built a great credit record. Credit card companys gave me ten – twenty thousand dollar limits and cash advance checks with no interest for a year. I would gamble, get crazy, then cover it with a check.
I think the real problem gambling started about 4 years ago. I won ten thousand dollars. Like every other gambler I was going to do great things with it. It lasted about a month. I paid some debt, gave some to my daughter, and blew the rest. In the last 4 years I got about eighty thousand dollars in debt, all credit cards. You would have thought they would have cut me off. I knew just how to move that debt so it was building my credit up.
I find that I barely make enough to pay just the basics. I was living on those credit cards. I started working a second job but I don’t have any money for food and gas this week.I spend money that I need to pay bills. My daughter has been helping me out, not realizing she’s been supporting my habit. I lie, sneek around, avoid family and the few friends I have in order to gamble. I know I have to quit, I have never tried before. I keep thinking I can go back to the yearly trip to Vegas but I know that’s folly. I don’t want to ban myself because I want my free hotel rooms and steak dinners. I know this is false, they have never given me a thing, I paid for it all and then some! This is the start of my journey. I don’t want to EVER feel this way again. I am ashamed and just want to hide from it all. I planned to try a meeting today. I am making excuses and won’t make myself go. Maybe Thursday, I only work 1/2 a day. Thats a trigger time for me. I won’t gamble today. Tomorrow I work both jobs and won’t have the desire then either. Wednesday is a problem.  You all sound like friends. I hope to be in your good company too. Thanks for reading my book!
— 7/19/2012 7:39:45 PM: post edited by bettie.
one day at a time………

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hi And welcome Teegee. I’ll look to see if you have a thread.
Well there is still some honest people left in the world.
I called my daughter tonight and she was in tears and asked if someone had called me about her wallet. Seems she lost it when she was out and thought she had put it in her car.
30 munites later, as I was on the pc trying to cancel her credit card my door buzzer rings. A nice looking young man says Hey, you looking for a wallet?
OMG! He brought it to me, said he looked in it and all her cash was there. I told him she just had a birthday and she had all her gift money, gift cards etc in there. I tried to give him a reward and he flatly refused-he said to pass it on to someone else! I reached out my hand, shook his and asked his name. He said it was Jim and I told him I was glad to know people like him still existed.
Everyone who prays please say one for Jim. May God bless him!
bettie

[finding_laura]

🙂 Lovely Bettie! There are still some people being raised with morals in this world! Ha! I say this from my high horse! I’ll say a prayer for the thieves too because who knows their story and would I want to live it? Probably not! I’m having a lazy day at home today. Just finishing long morning coffee, my favourite. Now breakfast and a walk with the dog. Got some reading and posting in for a change too. I’m afraid that fall has finally arrived 🙁 Summertime goes too fast. I’m still staying away from the slots. A few little passing thoughts but they pass quickly. Have a good day B
Laura

[cat438]

(((Bettie))), thanks for your posts when I needed them.  I am back to reading and working on myself and feeling stronger again.  I have been saying a prayer and working on letting go of trying to control things as I know it is not in my hands so I will keep working on it.  What a wonderful story in this day and age that an honest person found your daughter’s wallet and took the time to return it.  God Bless Jim for his honesty.  Your daughter must be thrilled as well.  
I hope that all is well with you and that you are able to stay strong with your decision regarding your "friend".  You really are doing awesome!!!!  You can always take out your toys and play with them to amuse yourself LOLOne day at a time my sweet lord…

[icandothis]

Hey Bettie, Great story.  Is Jim single???   If so, did you get his number???

[trulyshi]

Does Jim have an older brother?

[desdemona]

Debbie and Icandothis- thanks for making me laugh out loud! Hi Dear ((Bettie))! Thanks for phoning me yesterday as my emotions were up and down. it’s always nice when friends phone or email me when I’m going through a bit of a difficult time. It’s always good to have a laugh with a friend. The moment I hung up with you, Trish from Gamtalk called me. Let us know how your doctor’s appointment goes on Thursday. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Have not made any appointments yet. I will try to do that tomorrow.
I have started my auction selling online. Have some good bids on a few items so will see how that goes.
Home watching the Bears game and my CG buddy called. He had his car stolen and has the settlement check, wants to know if I will waive the hold period and cash it for him tomorrow. I told him no. He is buying a beat up old car so he has more gambling money ( i know what it’s like to think like a CG ).
He asked me who I was betting on in the game. I told him ( again ) I don’t gamble. He said "Oh yea-guess u learned your lession the hard way". I told him yes I did-and some day he might also!
I don’t think he liked my answer!
bettie

[vera]

Sounds as if that buddy is a Cg Bettie! Did you meet him at GA or were you two gambling mates?
What are you selling online B?

[bettie]

Ha ha vera!
Yes, he is a "gambler" – HUGH CG in my opinion however my opinion doesn’t matter-only he can make that call for himself. He is a customer that I went out with a time or to-we never gambeled together. He bets horses and gets an odd look on his face when he talks about it.
Funny how the selling goes. I have a Las Vegas tablecloth posted that has a bidding war going on. Up to around $20 right now. They can have it- i don’t need it. Also some vintage glassware-big in Japan as my bidder is willing to pay $100 USD to have it shipped to him!
Who knew??
bettie

[chubbycat]

Hi lovely Bettie
Been a long time since we have had a chat. I hope that you have a great day when you are reading this. Hope to see you soon for a chat
Chubbycat

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Good to see u posting CC!
Just pondering some thoughts I have had today about things I have learned in relaspe and recovery.
Gambling doesn’t fix anything-it makes the pain worse. The days where it was "fun" have been over for YEARS.
The pain is waiting for you-that is the constant.
The "gambling" me is selfish, self centered, and does foolish things that the "real" me would not consider.
"Bottoms have basements." Time to remodel from the basement ( the "gambler ) up ( my "higher power" ).
Cg’s are not bad people-we are people with a bad illiness.
When I get past the sad feelings I come away stronger.
I don’t like the person I became when I was "in action".
Just because I am broke doesn’t mean I am broken.
I am right where I am suppost be-even if I don’t understand why.
Surrender is freedom.
The time to set barriers is long before we need them.
I need more sleep!
lol!!
bettie
 
 

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Read your last post and have to agree with you on points you made. I know that my life had become unmanageable while I was in my active phase of gambling, and that I had become so emotionally ill, that it scared me into recovery. But I can’t seem to accept that the machines have beaten me. I know they have financially, but there is still a part of me that doesn’t want to believe that I cannot gamble again, and win money. I know i’m not going to win a jackpot as I’m banned from the casinos, and the max the vlts pay is $1,000. And I also know that if I’m up $500, I still can’t walk away as I want more, and won’t leave until I have lost evey bit of cash that I can access.  What has to happen before a person "surrenders?"  Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Maybe you should open a savings account for the money you make on ebay and call it your vacation account. Sell everything you don’t need and simplify your life. Did you and Deb talk today? She mentioned to me that she may not go into work today. I hope she’s feeling better. Tell her I’m thinking about her. Carole   

[finding_laura]

Sorry i missed you B, slept in a little. Thinking of you 🙂 Hope you have a good day hun. Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I’ve not been posting but I’ve not been gambling either-which is good. The bad part is that I have been having lots of thoughts about gambling here and there. The have made poker machines legal in the bars and clubs here now and the bowling alley that’s just down the hill has some machines. I so want to go "look" at them-which is a joke. I want to try "just 20 bucks" and see what happens-and we all know where that would lead. It’s never "just 20".
Lots of issues on the homefront. I have been spending more time with my brother. His daughter is going into a 45 day inpatient treatment center for her "eating disorder". Frankly I am pretty sure she is bypolor. She told my daughter some pretty lousey stuff her mother told her about her dad-my brother. All lies. Told her that my brother left the marrage because her DIDN"T WANT HER! My daughter set her straight-that her MOTHER had an affair with the neighbor and destroyed her own marrage! What a b*tch! My niece is high strung, and suffers with the "worthless" feelings that seem to run in the family. I guess she acts out with her eating like I act out with my gambling. Her mom also told her that she didn’t want her to be fat like all of her dad’s family. Nice!
Got a clear report on my stress test. Still waiting for info about my neck x-ray. My right had is so numb that typing is difficult. The pain wakes me at night. The pain in the left arm is annoying also. My range of motion is affected and it is hard to even dress myself some days.This seems to be getting worse so I hope to have some answers . I hope that I can see a pain specalist soon.
My brother in law lost another job-my sister is frantic. My niece ( her daughter ) has a cist on her ankle bone and may need surgery. Not real sure how this will all work out.
Well I need to get something done today. So much going on in my head I don’t know where to start.
I still love my car!
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
… I have been having lots of thoughts about gambling here and there …
                  … So much going on in my head I don’t know where to start …
 

Good morning Bettie,
Good to hear that you are not gambling, that the problems of the day are not weakening your resolve.  Even with your having thoughts about gambling and the new opportunities that are now surrounding you, you are taking the time to think about making that next bet, e.g."we all know where that would lead. It’s never "just 20".  In coming here and sharing your thoughts you show that you do know where to start; start each day with becoming more aware of the decisions that you need to make, and the right choices that will eliminate additional problems.
During your next visit to a type of place you used to visit and that now has the poker machines, make sure the reason that you are going is to have a drink or dine, not test the waters; have a look, only a look, at the machines from the "here" at you table and not from at the "there" where the problem awaits — keep "your" distance, even if sitting right next to one of these machines; they are only machines, the problem lies between you and your choices.  Make sure that the reason to go out is to enjoy the more normal way of living, and not to veer off in the addictive lifestyle that we are prone to do.
It might seem strange for me to give such advice at this point in time, but learning form the lessons of others is better than living with the consequence of your own mistakes; if only we, if only I, could follow this advice all the time we would be much better off. Nevertheless, I do find it strange that the poker and interactive lotto machines in the places that I do go to for to enjoy the more normal adventures of life do not affect or tempt me while when I found myself "caught of guard and under the right wrong set of circumstances" I did not use the same awareness or control.   Don’t let your guard down, gambling is all around us and not every circumstance can be controlled, but by keeping aware we can more easily distinguish between the right and wrong set of circumstance and act, or react, accordingly.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! You have mentioned those new vlt machines to me, so you must be thinking of them a lot. Vlt machines have a lower pay out rate than slot machines at casinos. Maybe it’s because they have to pay a certain percentage to the owner of the bowling alley, bar, restaurant, etc. I am banned from the casinos but the ban doesn’t include the vlts.  I have a long history of gambling at the vlts, and trust me, you don’t want to go down the same path as I have, gambling at places you can’t ban from. You can lose as much money at the vlts as you can at the casino. Your family is going through a lot of stress right now but you can’t own that stress. I’m sorry to hear that you are having so much pain. That is wearing on a person and I can imagine that a person would want to escape from the pain for a few hours. But gambling is not the answer to any one of our problems. You would be opening a world of hurt should you choose to play a $20 bill in a vlt. Maybe get a $20 bill and do something nice for yourself such as buying yourself something, go to a movie with it, go for lunch with a family member or friend, etc. Treat yourself as you deserve good things in your life. Carole  

[vera]

Delighted to hear your stress test is clear Bettie! I meant to get in contact with you about that but I ve been so busy figuring out ways to get money to gamble, I couldn’t see beyond my "buzz!"
I sure see the consequences of gambling now . They are only too clear…had no choice but to "fess" up to hubby….the rest of my tale of woe is well documtented around this Forum, so Bettie, I wan’t to have a sweet word in your dainty little ear..if you have pains in your arms now, just imagine what the pain will be like if you use them to "tap" those goddam machines..
My humble suggestion to you B, is not to waste your time, money or energy, even THINKING about the "new" machines, because take it from me kid, they are no different than the old ones. Same as the FWB!
Can’t teach old dogs new tricks!
 

[chubbycat]

Hi Bettie
Long time no see. Glad to hear you are gamble free. Good you are spending time with family instead. Watch those vlt’s, i know what its like here with pokie machines on every corner. Stick to GA or whatever gives you strength.
Chubbycat

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Where are you these days?? You used to post often on your thread and on other people’s threads. I miss you. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Sorry for not posting as I have been really in a funk. My brother has nearly had a breakdown-the center that his daughter is in sent him a promise note to the tune of $45 thousand dollars. He flipped out. I have never seen this man in tears before-even at our dad’s funeral. I stepped in and took control. I called the insurance company after hours and got him some much needed info. I gave him a course of action to follow and even though it will cost him about $7 thousand he is willing to pay almost anything he can to get his daughter healthy. I got him dinner and litterly sedated him and got him to make a dr appointment for himself on Monday. I told him it was OK to ask for some help, thats what we pay these doctors for after all!
I was in a lot of pain today and since my Dr hadn’t called me about my x-rays I called him. The nurse told me to hold for the Dr-which is never a good thing-and I waited about 20 munites. Not good news I am afraid. He gave me some big medical term which I asked him to spell. (I don’t think he knew how to spell it!) He told me I had degenerative disk disease, that I have arthritis in my neck, and I have two disks that are hitting each other. He said I need an MRI and he referred me to a spinal specalist and I have an appointment the 21st.
I am just discusted!
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! It is a good thing that your brother has you, as being so distraught about his daughter, he is unable it seems to advocate fully for himself. It sounds like he really does need to take care of himself first, or he isn’t going to be able to be there for his daughter. Sounds like he needs all the professional support he can access as well as family and friend support. The news from your doctor is certainly not welcome. I know people with degenerative disk disease, and it’s good that you are seeing a specialist, who will be able to present you with treatment options. When is your appointment with the specialist?? Sorry to hear that you have more health issues to add to your already long list. Life just doesn’t seem fair at times. Has your brother-in-law managed to find another job yet?? Carole

[sherry123]

Bettie, you are a wonderful sister to take charge and get a plan of action for your brother.  $7,000 is a lot more manageable than $45,000!  Hope you get some help for your neck pain. A specialist is the best way to go and hope he can come up with something besides surgery! 
I thought about you the other day when I walked into a local bank to open an account ($185,000) with the loan money for building our house.  I don’t know if the girl setting up the account got any credit for a new account or not but I was wishing it was your bank and you were getting the credit for it. 

[reds]

Dear (( Bettie )) –
So sorry to hear you have been in such pain – at least you were able to get an appointment with a specialist without a long wait – are you able to sleep at night with all that pain ?  So kind of you to step in and help your brother – you are a very caring sister indeed.  The world woud be a better place if we were all like you.  Good for you for recognizing the temptation of the new machines and where they would lead you – it’s really just same old, same old, isn’t it ?
Take care of yourself and hope to hear from you soon.
redsJust for today, I will not gamble away my time, freedom or peace of mind.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
So nice to see posts! I am such a slug these days.
My appt is next Wednesday but I wish it was tomorrow. Bad neck pain most of today. Sleeping is tough. I finally got comfortable enough to sleep and my knee started hurting! I bought new reclining sofa and loveseat just in time Reds as thats where I wind up. I got maybe 5 solid hours last night and i am pooped.
Sherry I sure could have used that deposit as I am really down on all my goals for this quarter! Well I refuse to worry because it makes no difference. I’ll just do my best, thats all anyone can ask.
I did get a bug up my butt to cook yesterday and I made chili, chicken soup, meatloaf and the best Pumpkin cranberry walnut muffins ever! I dropped food off as a suprise for my brother and he was really pleased that I did it for him. I did it for myself too but none the less he enjoyed having home cooked food when he got home.
Daughter is here to watch "Sons of Anarchy".
bettie

[female g]

hi Bettie just thought I’d stick my nose in and say hello.  I know its been along but with a life as busy as mine and abit of gambling(I know not good) but I’m back on track once more and won’t be gambling again. I am displining myself and hope to stay away for now. I have alot of obligations so no x cash to play with anyway. That is always the stopper for me. Glad to see your doing ok in that area. Sorry to hear about the health issues. hope they get worked out soon for you. Nice that you are there for your brother tooG

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Nice to see you posting more often. That was such a nice supportive thing you did cooking that food and bringing it over to your brother’s. Where is your brother’s daughter at the present time?? My granddaughter has not being doing well for a week now. Today she was sent home from work as she had a big anxiety episode and was throwing up and crying in the bathroom. It makes me angry that her biological father was never in her life and didn’t financially support her, and all her ever gave her was a gentic predisposition to bi-polar disease. it’s so hard to see these young people be so affected by mental illness. Danny and I are taking her to her mental health appointment on Friday in the city. I’ve committed to doing a garage sale with my friend Ingrid on Saturday at an indoor venue. I don’t know how well that’s going to do. Carole  

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thought I would post as I have been home all afternoon and my phone has not rung even once.
See thats the sneeky thing about being a cg. Lonelyness was always a great excuse to drive off to the casino and the thought did cross my mind.
I went grocery shopping and noticed all the Christmas stuff out. The thought that yet another year has past, another year older, and still here I am, alone. Thoughts of the things that lead to my new years gambling were also on my mind too. I don’t want the gambling life, I just can’t afford it on many levels, but yet on a night like tonight it would have been something to do.
To "play the tape" I would have drank too much, spent money I didn’t have, cash advanced any credit I might have found, then spent the night and all of tomorrow sick with regret and worry of "what the hell do i do now?"
Too much stress with my brother, too much stress at work-having accounts taken from me-because my appointment came in while i was at lunch and didn’t want to wait! Being berated by the bosses "girl" because a customer that she made an error on will not accept having her account charged and blaming me because I was obligated to do the report! New neighbor waking me at 5am talking loud outside on her balcony which is about 10 feet from my bedroom window, calling the cops, then having to address her and her guy friends myself at 5:45 am when they did it again! I don’t need this aggravation and I threatened to file a complaint with the condo assocation board. God, I don’t want to fight with the neighbors!
Neck pain starting up so it’s time to get off the pc.
bettie

[trulyshi]

Hey gf.  I too have been thinking about Christimas as well.  This will be my first Christmas without a significant other in my life.  Anxiety is running through my veins and I have been experiencing stomach pain.  Whenever I had a relationship end I have always rushed out and found a replacement right away, over the past two days I have realized that it would not be a good idea to do that.  Better to be alone than to make another mistake right now.  Work and neighbour problems will always be there and will always happen, I think they become magnified when there is nothing to distract from them.  I have been thinking about doing some volunteer work or joining something such as a bowling league.  Sitting around the house is not going to solve my loneliness (yes, I have that problem too)  Make the phone ring on the other end, I love hearing from you and I am sure there are alot of people out there that you may not have spoken to for awhile that would love a call from you.  The dust is settling from my recent craziness and you and I need to plan another get together soon.  We need to stir up some trouble together gf, and I do not mean another coach purse, lol.  Luv ya tons and will talk to you later today, will wait to call you for a few more hours so as not to interrupt your beauty sleep (and you are beautiful, inside and out).  Deb

[vera]

Lonliness is a funny thing, B!
We can be lonely in a crowd, yet be totally alone and not feel lonely at all. I have learned over the years that nobody can cure my lonliness. They can distract me for a few hours with lively conversation,and activities, or I can get excited about somebody coming to visit, cook a meal, tidy the house etc but when they leave, that’s it ! I’m back to being alone….I think Bettie, that you are looking for companionship. Lots of single people I know have good companions (I’m not taliking about the FWBs type-they are only users!), I mean someone you can call on to go to the cinema/theatre/for a walk/a meal etc. I envy those people. I (and you too probably, B) isolated myself for too long in the casino. I pushed people away whom I thought would "wreck my buzz". Now, I cannot expect these friends to be suddenly available, just because I am lonely……Gambling steals a lot from us B! Even in a husband and wife relationship,lots of people are lonely. I think we get so wrapped up in ourselves, that we forget that others might need us as much as we need then, so REACH out Bettie. I did expect my family to be there for me when I stopped gambling, but it didn’t work out like that, Now I know, I have no right to expect anything of anybody. The upside to that is that when I am treated to good company it becomes an honour. A privilege and something to treasure. My son came home just now He is cooking a meal ( we just had the starter (yum!)…When I think of all the times I took him for granted and let him wait for hours when I disappeared and gambled, I consider myself blessed that he still comes back. …
At Mass this morning the sermon was on "Hell". The priest likened hell to being forever lonely, deprived of God and your fellow man , experiencing nothing but despair forever and ever. He said that is why most people deny the existance of Hell, because they can’t face that terrible lonliness. His description of Hell was very similar to my experience of gambling so Gambling, Lonliness and Hell ARE all in the one bracket.
Interesting how CGs place ourselves in this "hell!"
I dont doubt that someone will come your way some day, B! Miracles DO happen! Just wait for the right person and dont waste time with losers! Its highly unlikely that gambling will solve you lonliness or mine Bettie!

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! It’s interesting that the topic of lonliness comes up just now because I too have been pondering  this recently. For me, I have come to the realization that I’m as lonely as I want to be. I should be out there in my community doing something, like taking a course, volunteering with the seniors, working somewhere parttime for fun, etc. I do enjoy seeing people I know when I go out into the community. I say that going to Walmart is a social occasion for me because I stop and talk to people I know. That’s pretty sad! Debbie has the right idea about perhaps signing up for a bowling league or something else. I tend to isolate myself at home on the computer and my social life pretty much consists of spending time with my granddaughters. I could get out there and go to the farmer’s market, the craft sales, home and business shows, community galas, etc, but I tell myself that I don’t need a thing for my home, and I have nobody to go with to the galas and nothing to wear. All excuses not to put myself out there. Sorry you’re having trouble at work. I’ve said this before that where you work sounds like a shark tank. Instead of goals, it would seem that the focus should be on customer service. Fighting with neighbours when a person lives so close to them, is not a good thing, and can become a real stressor. When I had the crazy renters living 75 feet from me, even when she wasn’t aggrevating me with her craziness, I still felt aggrevated by them. Maybe do something totally unexpected like befriend them. Invite them over for a glass of wine and cheese and crackers, and then they will probably become more friendly and respectful of you. If you and Debbie decide to get together, let me know. Maybe I can fly out there and meet you guys. I might come with three dogs in tow. My dogs do tie me down, but there must be people out there that leave their dogs home alone for the day when they work. My one dog is in and out all day long, even in the winter. Carole 

[reds]

HI Bettie – I can so relate to what you are going through with the neighbors – we live across from a medium size apartment complex whose residents are allowed to own pets.  I am soooo sick and tired of them taking their dogs for a walk and letting them do their business on my lawn.  I am so torn because I know that getting into a neighbor war in a smaller town isn’t a good thing but their lack of consideration is driving me nuts.  Today I stood at the window and had to restrain myself from going outside and giving a young lady what for.  Anyhow, good for you for not gambling , as a cure for loneliness. Trust me, everyone feels lonely sometimes.  Maybe we just feel it more because we are more sensitive ???  Take care, have a good gamble free day.
reds

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie))! what Reds said about us possibly being more sensitive has been a theory of mine. I believe that addicts of all kinds are more sensitive than the average person. And of course you throw in trauma and original family dysfunction, and the lack of nonacquistion of skills like setting boundaries and immediate gratification. I have often wondered why God made humans so sensitive, and wish at times that He hadn’t, but then of course realize that these are the things that set us apart from animals. I miss you and will call you soon. Danny leaves today to go back to work. Carole  

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
… "play the tape" …

Good morning Bettie,
As you read over some of the other post here and find words of wisdom, others are reading and finding similar inspiration and sound advice in your words as well, e.g. "play the tape"; playing the tape trough to the end and seeing the outcome of wrongful actions is something that more of us need to practice.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep posting.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for your posts. Neck pain not too bad today but yesterday-just awful.
I convinced my boss to give me Saturday off so I will have 4 days in a row off. I haven’t told the family that I will be off Saturday-I’m keeping that to myself. I need a day to myself.
Went to my brothers after work. He has a week off, bad timing in my opinion. His Dr gave him anti depressants and they are making him sick to his stomach. That is normal and should pass. He only had eaten crackers for lunch so I took him out for dinner. He went right home after. He has an appointment to talk to his daughters counclers tomorrow. He is just worried sick. His Dr recommed he see a therapist for him self and I agree. He is afraid to spend a dime-as he has already spent almost $20 thousand in co payments for his daughters treatments. Just outragious! Thats a big chunk of his retirement savings and at his age he has no idea how he will make that up.
Off to the spine specialist tomorrow.
Someone from my group finally contacted me to see what was up.( I have not been to a meeting in weeks) She texted me. I told her she could call. She texted back. The pestimist in me says she just wanted the gossip-to see if I was gambling. You know the assumption is if you stop going to meetings you have "failed". Sorry if I dissapointed anyone. Somehow I feel "cured". LOL! It complancey I know but I am too sore-crabby-busy-etc to even think about gambling.
bettie
 

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Do let us know what the spine specialist says about treatment options. Sorry that you have so much pain at times. With co-payments that are so outrageous, it’s no wonder, and very sad, that many people can’t afford care for themselves and their families. I really feel for your brother as he is making himself sick over worrying about his daughter and her problems. A counsellor for support for himself would be great so that he could learn some stress coping skills. I can well understand him not wanting to spend the money when he has spent so much already. I don’t know the woman who texted you but I don’t believe that most rcgs rejoice when they can gossip about someone gambling. It makes me sad when rcgs gamble as we all know the hell we have all experienced in one shape or another. She probably missed you at the meetings and wondered if you were OK. I don’t text but it is the way of the world these days. Miss you and will call soon like I said I would. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Not much news from the specalist. Physical therapy, ( $30 a session ) pain meds. the usual. I need an MRI but need approval from the insurance first. They poked and pulled on me and now I am as sore as heck! Looking foward to a drug induced sleep.
Just on FB and my GF posted a picture of her beautiful niece with the caption "Rest in Peace". That girl was only 27! I don’t know what happened but it sure is sad.
Thanksgiving here tomorrow. Happy Turkey Day! I am going to my sisters tomorrow to eat and be a slug.
I am ready for bed.
bettie

[cat438]

Dear Bettie, sorry you are having so many health probles; and that your brother is having such a tough time as well with his daughter and with his own health.  It is strange when you said about feeling lonely as I do get like that as well and I have a hubby at home.  I sometimes wonder if some of it is my own doing and I don’t pick-up the phone and make arrangements to go out with some of my gf.  I seem to get myself into pity partys and expect people to phone me.  Life is so strange, but is it really, is it us that are sometimes strange and hide away.  It is funny how some days we can shrug something off and other days it bugs the he– out of us.  So I suppose it all goes back to our attitude and how we are feeling.  I am thinking of how much I have to be thankful for, and yet I don’t count my blessings often enough.  Happy Thanksgiving Dear (((B))).  Enjoy your turkey, spending time with family and Bless You for being the wonderful person you are!!! One day at a time my sweet lord…

[desdemona]

Happy Thanksgiving Day (((Bettie)))! I wish it was Thanksgiving here and was going to have turkey with family. I hope that you can find some sort of treatment for your chronic pain that works for you. Sorry to hear that your girlfriend and her family are dealing with the death of such a young person. Wishing you a day filled with love and laughter, and of course gamble free. Carole  

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Cat called me today and we were hoping to get together with you and Debbie in possibly May and the four of us spending fun time together. We threw around a few suggestions of where we could meet, and what we could do. One suggestion that I thought about was us getting together and going camping. I’d be all in for that! What about you? Carole 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
As promised I am posting today Carole! lol!
After my restless sleep last night I am a bit groggy today. I must have been sleeping on my left side as I woke with such pain in my shoulder that I couldn’t easily roll off of it. Can’t wait to get my approval for my MRI so I can go foward with some kind of treatment.
I am off to visit my gf for a bit. My brother wanted me over but I told him I would stop by later. My home is a pigsty but If I stay home I won’t do much anyway.
Maybe I will finish my Christmas shopping today. It is so much easier since I have eliminated most gift giving with the exception of family and have put on a moterate spending limit. It’s easier to buy gifts than try to "win" money to buy bigger and better ones! lol! Hard to believe that some of us thought that was possible!
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Way to go on posting!! With all the craziness going on in your family, not to mention your physical health problems, you do need to take time for yourself, and do things just for you. Like you, we have cut back by half what we normally spend on gifts for family, because we have 12 grandkids, and two great grandkids, as well as our kids and their spouses, and our parents. I shopped for toys for the 14 grandkids this year as Danny asked me to, instead of giving them cash. It’s us that puts those expectations on ourselves to buy better and bigger gifts. And as we all know, trying to win money at the casino is unrealistic as there are many more losses, than people than win anything. My theory is that in December, less people gamble due to having other financial commitments, so there are less wins as well. Not to mention that we as cgs can never win as we can’t gamble like "normal" people. I have heard women say they were up like $8.45 and they were leaving the casino with their winnings. I used to think to myself why bother coming to the casino to won $8.45. But for them it was a social experience being with their friends in the casino and having a bit of a gamble. Not so for us cgs! I hope that your brother is able to get some help for himself and can start making some decisions that are also good for him, and not totally for his daughter, because he is scared to lose her to death. Sounds like his daughter has him running circles around her. Sometimes parents have to do what they can and then let go. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Very slow day at work. One of my elderly customers called me, saying she needed to get in to cash a check and get a deposit in to her account. I asked her if she wanted me to come over and bring her some cash and pick up her deposit. She was pleased that I would do that for her. She is almost 90 and nearly blind. She told me whenever someone took her to the bank she had to give them $25 dollars to take her. She asked if I needed some money and I told her of course not-I was on the clock and she wasn’t that far away. Besides, I might get old some day and maybe someone will help me out.
 She is an old time Evangelist-she was certified in California sometime in the 1950’s. She told me how she was filled with the Holy Spirit and told me about how good God is. She also told me the Nativaty story from a biblical view point. She was so beatiful and sincere. So here is this Old blind lady, struggeling to pay a mortgage her deceased husband took on the house, living alone in the kind of neighborhood where you have bars on the windows and security doors double locked in order to be safe. Greatful, happy and independent. I think her incredible belief in " a power greater than herself" gets her  through the day.
I envy her.
bettie

[chubbycat]

Hi Bettie
That was so nice of you to do that for that lady. Sometimes those small kindnesses you never know how much could help someone else. A small act from you could be a huge thing for her. You are always kind. Did you receive my email of the cat?
Chubbycat
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! I remember you telling me about that woman. It’s good to see that in this day and age there are still people who care about other people-You! And kudos to the bank that allows you to go to her home during work hours. Have things settled down for your brother yet with his daughter? I know you’re no stranger to family drama! lol! I called you twice and left a message for you, so I assume you’re busy with family. Have you heard yet when your MRI is going to be? How’s your pain level? Hope you are having some relief from it. Carole

[chubbycat]

Hi Bettie notice you havent posted in a while. I see you have posted to others so im thinking your ok. Just saying hi and have missed seeing you round here
Chubbycat
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Gee Carole I seem to have missed your calls-and I didn’t get the message or I would have called you back.
I had my MRI last night. It was really a pain in the backside! I had to itch my head after one of the 3 minutes of the test and I guess I moved my neck and they had to start over! Very distressing! I felt like I was in a coffin! I am glad it is over. The tech who did my test asked when I would see my Dr again and I told her I was to call and make n appointment after I took the test. My mind says she saw something alarming but that could also be the drama queen in me. It is what it is and I will find out soon enough. Dr gave me muscle relaxant and narcotic pain killers, which I try not to take unless I am already in pain at bed time. I am also wearing my carpel tunnel hand brace at night. The pain comes and goes-some days are almost pain free-others not so good. I need to start physical therapy but I was waiting for the MRI and of course some money as it will cost me $30 a session for 2-4 sessions for 4-6 weeks. With Christmas and Jenn now being cut off of unemployment money is getting hard to come by. I had so hoped to save my little ebay money but as always it seems like I can never save. When I get even a little ahead the money is never mine to keep.
My niece is still in treatment and will be there until the insurance says no more. I have been with my brother alot-he seems a bit better so I guess his anti depressant is working. I have been trying to get him to speak to a councler so he has better tools to deal with this child. She is very materal and manipulative and he doesn’t know what he should or should not say to her. The insurance had paid out over $50K in her treatment since June and my brother had paid over $15k out of his pocket.
As far as recovery goes I have not been going to meetings and the only real recovery work I have been doing is the step work that I am doing with my buddy on the phone on Sundays. I am being lazy and complancent and I know it but after almost 3 years of recovery I am tired of even thinking about gambling. I hate hate hate it! It took so much from me or should I say I "gave" it so much of me? Either way I am afraid I would be there today, numb, drunk and stupid if not for the lack of cash. But self distruction is not on my agenda today. I have too much to do.
I have started wearing ear plugs to bed in case the neighbors "act up". I had the police here last Saturday at 3 and 4 am. I have filed a complaint with the condo assocation and was told her landlord is receiving  a find. They have been quite since that time so maybe they got the message? Not sure but really, I need my sleep. I get really stressed out at bed time just thinking that I will have another confrontation with them.
Neck is hurting so time to get off the PC.
Take care you guys. I am reading even if I am not posting.
bettie

[vera]

Hi B!
I ve been wondering where you got to!
At least the MRI is over now! Let’s hope the doc can use the information from the results to treat you in a way to bring a long term cure or even relief.
You must be worn out with all the pain and waiting ! Nothing worse! Will e mail you soon!

[bettie]

Well I was right!
I thought the MRI tech’s reaction to my test was odd-my regular Dr called me at 8:15pm to give me the test results. I have 2 protruding disks that are causing a narowing of my spinal cord hence the pinched nerve hence the pain. I asked if there was a surgery for that and he said no good one. Physical therapy, pain meds. Thats it. I am a bit stunned as this type of injury is usually the result of a car accident. The only accident I have had was when I hurt my knee in June. Some of you know the awful details of that experance-but there are a lot of details I had forgotten. I was tripped and hit the ground that evening too and I can’t help but wonder if that is what did this to me.
I almost gambled today. I went to go look at the new VTL’s at the bowling alley but had enough sense to turn around and leave. I’m not in a good place right now. I feel like I will be crippled soon so why not gamble? Doesn’t seem like such a big deal any more.
I know I am feeling sorry fo myself and this will pass. I am just stunned right now.
bettie

[sherry123]

Betty, my husband (boyfriend during this time) hurt his back and wasn’t able to work or move much for over a month.  He had ruptured a disk and another disk was degenerated.  He didn’t have insurance, didn’t have income while he couldn’t work and had cattle and horses to feed.  One of his doctors said if he could wait out the pain his disks would fuse together. He eventually resumed his normal activities and is doing great but he is a couple of inches shorter than he used to be. It probably took over a year before he wasn’t noticably  in pain but he got through it without surgery.  If he had insurance, I’m sure they would have operated on him and he might not have recovered like he has.  Our bodies are remarkable at healing and I hope your back will heal too.  Sitting in front of a slot machine for hours wouldn’t help your back at all.  It wouldn’t help anything.  I wish the best for you.

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie
Sorry to hear of your MRI results, that sounds very painful and it is hard to live with daily pain. Physical or mental. You have done very well in your recovery. Glad you didnt go gamble recently, you havent posted as much. Are you still going to your GA meetings?
Chubby
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! You must have way more patience than I do, because I would have asked the MRI tech, what she thought she saw. At least now you know what you’re dealing with, though it doesn’t seem like you have many treatment options. Would you be able to explain your financial limitations to the physical therapist, and ask her to train you how to do the exercises at home? It certainly sounds like a very painful condition having a pinched nerve. You mention having carpal tunnel syndrome and wearing your hand brace. I’m embarassed to say this but I have carpal tunnel syndrome for the past 6 weeks due to compression on my arm from having played so many free slots, over a long period of time. And I was using a hot water bottle to treat it, which is the wrong therapy and can actually make it worse. I should have been icing it, not treating it with heat. Thank goodness I put a blocker on the free slots, and am not missing them at all. It gives me way more time during the day to do other stuff. I hope that you get some unexpected blessings to help you during this time. Good to hear that your brother isn’t as stressed out as he was. Carole 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I did go to a meeting tonight. I didn’t want to but made myself go. Yesterday was way too close a call for me!
I was up in pain last night so I was up at 2am taking a pain pill. Sure enough the idiots next door came home and were very loud in the parking lot. I noticed a beer can on the balcony this morning. I put in ear plugs and went back to bed and was able to go back to sleep. I called the assocation-again-and they are tired of hearing from me. TOO BAD! The new girl down stairs is 8 & 1/2 month pregnant. I saw her in the hallway and introduced myself. I told her about the issue and she said she was too afraid to call the management company. I told them about her today too. With a new baby she doesn’t want to be woke up either. I hope she called today too.
Thanks for all your replys. I feel like a rat fink since I have not been returning posts and it is kind of you all to care about me.
I have to arrange the physical therapy. I will just charge it Carole. I owe about $1000 on my card but it is the only one I am using. Maybe I will get a little tax refund and can pay it off again.
My tree is up but not decorated. Maybe tomorrow.
nite friends!
bettie

[hetty]

Hope you are feeling better is morning bettie, you did well going to the meeting even though you didn’t feel like it.
/Hetty You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! I saw on Debbie`s thread that you went to a GA Christmas party. Good for you for getting out there and not sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself, in spite of all the health issues you are having. Maybe I misunderstood, but were you alluding to your back problems being a result of the knee injury visited upon you, by a certain individual who shall remain nameless. How is your friend doing that had the bypass surgery. I saw my casual friend`s daughter who had bypass surgery over a year ago, the other day at the mall in the city. She has lost a LOT of weight but is still obese from the waist down. I`m sure the surgery puts her at less risk for getting those obesity related diseases like diabetes, heart problems, high blood pressure, etc. She has almost died twice as a result of complications from the surgery. I feel for you people that are being directly affected by the inconsiderate, rude behavior of those tenants. I thought it was against the condo rules to rent out the condos. Hopefully they will get an eviction notice soon so that you can all sleep in peace. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Late night dr appointment tonight. Wish someone would come clean my condo! lol!
Oh well I can do it just a bit at a time.
Carole my friend with the bypass had had a bought with kidney stones. I saw him at the GA party. His skin is just hanging-overall he has lost about 80 pounds since the surgery-soon he will weigh less than me.
I have eaten like a ton of Praileens that a customer brought us! Loaded with nuts and sugar-so good but not good for me at all. I keep saying tomorrow I’ll do better-kind of like tomorrow I’ll stop gambling-lol-we all know how well THAT works!
Well I will vacumme and shower and get ready for my appointment.
bettie

[bettie]

Well I am back, waited an hour before I got called in for my appointment. Dr thinks I may have a torn router cuff. I asked him how, he said we are getting older-he’s 45-(and cute as heck!)  He gave me a cortosone shot ( which will make my blood sugar sky rocket ) and wants me to get ANOTHER MRI.
Oh well, what can you do?
bettie

[chubbycat]

Hi Bettie hope you get all the results soon and they can figure out what to do to get you out of pain.. I like seeing you posting again
Chubby
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
i went to the Chamber of Commerse Christmas party tonight. i ran into a friend of my GF who had the niece that died in November. Very sad to say it was a sucide. That beautiful young educated girl took her own life. So So sad-a perminate soloution to a tempory problem. I know we all hit lows but always think it through. That girl had so many people who loved her-and she felt so bad she couldn’t talk to any of them. Such a waste.
Everyone please, if you feel that bad CALL SOMEONE, ANYONE. If you feel you have know one remember everyone here loves you!
bettie

[finding_laura]

Good morning Bettie,
quick check in. Have to get ready for work in a few minutes. Neck pain and nerve pain is noooooo fun. I have compressed disc and a bulging disc in my neck and nerve problems radiating down both arms. Only good thing is not major pain in my arms. If you are having a lot of nerve pain can they try you on Lyrica? It is specifically designed for nerve related pain and is not a narcotic. I know, more suggestions! Don’t shoot the messenger! Need to kick my behind into gear with the homework. Will have done this weekend for sure! take care B, talk soon. Laura

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Went to my meeting tonight. My heart is so heavy with grief about the school shooting today. It is very odd-as I was thinking about the Colombine Tragedy just today,when the High school kids were shot and killed. I think the mall shooting had me thinking in those terms. I can not get the image of those terrified children out of my mind. I have cried on and off today.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Even though that horrific event that took place today happened in the US, we Canadians share your grief. It’s a very painful reminder that what happened could happen anywhere, and the 20 little children that died today could be our children, our grandchildren, our nieces, our nephews. I can’t even imagine the parents waiting at the fire hall to be reunited with their kids, and then to be told that there would be no more reunions. The pain they felt, no parent should have to bear that. I don’t understand why the gunman’s mother would have three weapons registered to her, and one of them a semi-automatic. She had to have known that her son had problems, so why have guns in the home?  Now little kids aren’t going to feel safe at school. It’s hard to believe that this happened today. I think we all feel collective shock and horror at what transpired today. It will become even more real when they start releasing pictures of the children that died tomorrow. The world changed today and became more evil. To kill 20 little innocent children for any reason is not comprehensible. Carole  

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! It’s good to see that you’re putting yourself out there, like your GA meeting and Chamber of Commerce dinner. You mentioned possibly a tear in your rotary cuff! Danny has bilateral rotary cuff syndrome, but they won’t operate on him because of his MS. I do know that he has a lot of pain in his rotary cuffs, and if you do have a tear, I can imagine that the pain would be severe. Great advice you gave for people feeling suicidal to call someone, anyone. It’s always so sad when anyone suicides, especially when it’s young people that don’t have the life experience to know that there is help out there. and they won’t always feel as hopeless as they do. Are you cleaning and doing laundry today?? I changed out the litter box and have cleaned one bathroom and am working as slow as a snail in getting the second one clean. That way if I drag it out, it doesn’t seem like work as much. I tasted Greek coffee today as my renter made me a cup and it’s different but good, like drinking an expresso I imagine. Too bad he isn’t 35 years older than he is. He’s 25 so a little too old for my granddaughter. A sensitive man who can relate on an emotional level. I’d like to meet the mother who raised this young man. Carole

[applefarm]

My heart is so heavy with grief about the school shooting today.
Hi, here in europe they also shoot this way sometimes. Mostly the reasons come from childhood i think. So, what we can do is to raise our children properly. And nothing more we can do i guess.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Busy day yesterday-went to lunch with my ex asst manager and a couple of the current and former tellers. Very nice to catch up.
I came home and did my cleaning, wash etc. Didn’t get it all done and my brother had me over at his house today so now I need to wind down and get ready for work tomorrow.
They are running news specials about those killed at the school. Just too sad to watch. They showed pictures of all the victims on the news. Beautiful little kids. I know we will never really know why this sick young man did what he did.
I have been invited to the "social event" of the Christmas season in the town I work in. There is a couple that decks out every nook and cranny of their historic home. I think they have like 8 themed Christmas Trees. Just beautiful beyond belief. And they put out quite a spread of food and drinks too. They have an open house so people come and go. Me and my ex asst manager will go and only stay an hour or so as it gets very busy with people.
I go for PT tomorrow and hope to get the next MRI before the end of the year as I have paid my deductable for this year and hate to have to come up with that chunk of money in January. I think the cortosone shot has kicked in as now the left arm only hurts real bad when i make certain moves.
The renters are still up at all hours and out on that balcony. I was awaken at 6am yesterday and just went out side and asked them if they were having fun. The girl said we are not being loud-i told her well she still woke me and I asked if she knew they also wake up the girl down stairs who is ready to have her baby. The girl repeated we are not being loud-to which I told her well you are loud enough. I proceded to open my lawn chair, sit down and light a cigrette. They went back in quick-then shut their blinds when they figured out I was staying out there. They were out there again this morning at 4am. They are not being loud enough to call the cops-but I do believe they are violating Condo by-laws. I will call the management company again tomorrow and I have to write a letter and document stuff just in case. I know any letter sent is copied and delivered to all board members and my brother in law was on the board when my sister still lived here.
bettie

[desdemona]

You opened a lawn chair and were going to stay out on the balcony? Isn’t it freezing in Chicago??? Nice that you went to your brother’s today, even though I’m sure you had a lot of work to do at your own home. That decorated historic home sounds like something I’d enjoy seeing. Do those obnoxious neighbours ever sleep?? I didn’t watch much tv coverage today as I was feeling pretty stressed out. I saw one little girl’s picture yesterday and she was a blonde angel- so beautiful and she had a beautiful giving kind spirit. My 7 year old granddaughter overheard my daughter mkaing comments about the tragedy and she asked my daughter if something had happened at a school. My daughter told her that it happened in a school far, far away. She then asked her mother if any children had died, and my daughter told her she didn’t know. I think she should have told her the truth, and reassured her that she was safe at her school. I think that the kids that know will be talking about this at school tomorrow, and she will hear that children died. It’s hard to know what the right thing is to say to your children, because as parents we want to protect them. We don’t want them to lose their innocence. The fallout and ripple effects of this one tragedy will be felt worldwide. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hehe Carole- that night it was 50f, tonight a bit nippy-23f windy and fallings.
Got a Christmas card from my Cousins son-the one who’s wedding I went to and was terorized by the photography in Nov 2011. Well sure enough they sent me a 5×7 photo of them with big fat ugly ME in it! OMG! Any self esteem I may have gained about myself has now been flushed down the toilet! I could not even bare to look at the pictures when they were online-I am sure there are some real butes there! It makes me want to vomit all the crap I ate today at the pot luck at work.
I think that maybe that’s one for the fridge door. Really I had no idea I looked so bad.
bettie

[sherry123]

I know how you feel Bettie!  I saw a picture of myself a couple of weeks ago and I didn’t look at all like my mental image of myself. We also had treats all week at work but I am determined to make a change in my appearance this year!

[reds]

Hi Bettie –
You could not have looked bad, you are beautiful inside and out.  I have seen you and know this to be true. You have a wicked sense of humor, you are so smart, and caring. The negative self talk will onyl make you feel worse, so stop it !!  I hope the PT helps with the physical pain, and good things continue to happen for you.  Wishing you a Happy Christmas, and New Year of Peace and Prosperity.
reds

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
No Reds, I do look that bad. I am very dissapointed in myself that I let myself gain so much weight back. When I started recovery I was working out every day. My weight loss was platued, and I let the frustration get to me and I gave up. Thats what I hate about pictures, I can con myself into thinking I look ok but photos do not lie. It is no wonder I don’t get asked out by men-hell I don’t want to be seen with me so why would anyone else?
I stayed home today, I needed a break. I finished wrapping the gifts and I have an open house to attend with my old boss. If not for her I would just stay home.
bettie

[cat438]

Dear Bettie, sorry that I have not posted for a while, but I do read your posts to see how you are doing.  It is so difficult dealing with weight problems.  I am TRYING to get motivation to start eating healthy and doing some exercise.  I keep thinking with the New Year coming then it would be a good way to start.  It is a matter of putting the time and effort into it.  Saying that I am worth the time and effort.  I know that when I am lighter I feel better about myself.  I hate seeing my picture as well, **** I even hate looking in the mirror lately as all I see is how tight my clothes are getting.  Yes, I will have cheese to go with my whine!!!  I do agree with Reds though you are an awesome person inside and out and you looked good when I saw you!!! One day at a time my sweet lord…

[stan’s girl]

Hi Bettie,
I started reading your thread on Friday and have read virtually every single post in the last 2 days.  It’s been like a book that I can’t put down.  I’ve gone through the lows and the highs…I’ve wanted to scream with you, cry with you and rejocie with you….and I don’t even know you.
That’s how incredibly powerful your life story is…it’s kept me captivated for over 250 pages and two days. 
It’s taught me something too.  I want to be more honest in my posts and my recovery.  I find that I’m only admitting what I want to admit…fear of judgement I suppose.  I don’t want to be seen as "one of those weak people."  Well, here’s the start of something new for me.  I’m not going to post on my thread right now, but will as soon as I’m ready.
I look forward to getting to know you and to know myself better.
Crystal

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hey Crystal, nice to see you on my thread.
"That’s how incredibly powerful your life story is…it’s kept me captivated for over 250 pages and two days. "
Wow I am flattered! Thank you, as I have considered pulling my thread as I don’t think I am very relevent. If it helped you even a little then I am glad I didn’t pull it.
Of late I have been bad about posting. I think since my "slip" last January I just feel a bit like a hypocrite. This year has been especially diffucult, but I guess you read that!
I made myself work out today-barely made 30 minutes-but it was something. Then I had a burrito for lunch then icecream. OK-I have a ways to go here.
I read Kathrines post about Christmas past, and I read a few " Christmas Present" posts on Safe Harbour. Sad really, the control the addiction of compulsive gambling has had/has on us.
My sad pitiful Christmas was 3 years ago-2 months before I found GT, about 7months before I walked into my first GA meeting. The casino was sending me 30-40 dollar vouchers that were good for cash. I had about $800-$900 dollars worth. I had to drive about 45 minutes each way with gas about $2.50 a gallon. I even went on my lunch hour trying to just cash out and leave. Sometimes it worked-some times I drove there for nothing but a sick feeling knowing that I wasted more time. I bought CD’s & DVD’s for Christmas presents-I used my daughters credit that she would later write off in her bankrupcy. I told people half truths and white lies-that I was making less money ( true ) and thats the reason I needed to cut back on gift giving was because I made less ( lie ). I had no money for presents because my credit was running out and little did I know I would soon be throwing my mortgage, insurance, grocery, etc money into a slot. I bought my daughter some things from the thrift, and God bless her, she didn’t mind. I felt like a creep because I was a creep.
That was then and now, like Kathryn, the nice gifts are bought, wrapped and waiting to be opened. Nothing to big and lofty but all thoughtfull and given with love.
I have decited to forgive myself for the picture-it is what it is. I only have to be known as the fat cousin if I choose to. If I keep doing the next right thing then the right thing will happen.
I want to wish all my GT family and wonderful and joyful Christmas season. I also want to thank you all for your support, friendship, laughter and tears.
peace
bettie
 

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… If you feel you have know one remember everyone here loves you!

Good evening Bettie,
The above quote might not have been meant for you directly , but still it is something that you need to remember when you or feeling down, or when as Stan’s girl Crystal found in reading your post, the times during all your "ups and downs".  I will not go into my thoughts about your downs, this is meant to be a holiday message, but I will start with these few words to reinforce Reds’s advice to you, "The negative self talk will only make you feel worse, so stop it".
I am sure that this Christmas, like mine and many others here, will be a much better one than the ones where you and we were competed controlled by compulsive gambling. Each day that we progress makes each day of our present and future Christmases a better time; this includes all of the holidays and each day in between.  So this Christmas I share with you in celebrating this season with a more open look at life, and with us living a more normal life. Now if we could only fully accept the gift of a more normal way of thinking, Christmas would be a much better time, even better than the improved one that we celebrate this year.
Here’s wishing you and yours a Very Merry Christmas and an ever improving Happy New Year.
God’s speed. Stay strong.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[stan’s girl]

Bettie,
Isn’t it interesting how we see ourselves?  We are our own worst critics.  Food for thought:
Have you ever met someone that sees themselves a certain way and you think to yourself "Interesting…I never thought of her/him as fat/skinny/ugly/stupid, etc."  I’ve done that and keep that in mind when I am too critical of myself.  I guess what I’m trying to say is, the people that are looking at you in that picture probably don’t think the same thoughts as you.  They probably look at you and say "she’s so awesome.  What a fabulous person.  Such a big heart, beautiful smile, great sense of humour…etc." 
I had a childhood friend contact me on facebook a couple of years ago and tell me that I was one of the prettiest and most popular girls in school.  I was like…huh?  Me?  Really?  Cause that’s not how I remember myself in school! lol
I always found it easier to forgive others, but very, very difficult to forgive myself.  I’m working on that. 
Glad I found you here and hope you have a fabulous Christmas!
CrystalLife isn't that difficult…people make it difficult.  It's simple, let go and move on OR hold on and stay stuck.

[sherry123]

Bettie, I wish we could all get together for Christmas Eve snacks and a chance to tell each other what their friendship here on GT meant this past year.  Christmas can be lonely even when we’re not alone. I’m glad this Christmas isn’t marred by gambling.  Hope you and your family have  a joyous Christmas. 

[chubbycat]

Hi Bettie
I have not caught up on many threads but i wanted to pop in and say merry christmas and congratulations you must be around 90 days now !!!
Chubby 🙂

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just home from the big part of my Christmas- Christmas Eve with my family at my brothers house. My niece called-and I think my brothers mood fell after that. I know things are not the same for him-she is his only child. My mother went on and on about how nice it was having the two little ones for Christmas. Poor Jenny-her baby would have been 5 months now and my  nieces baby is 6 months. She cried after my mother left, saying how insensitive my mom is. I asked her if she thought that was new? My mom loves to rub salt in your wounds.
It wasn’t all bad-good food, a couple games, and of course presents. The 2 & 1/2 year old got one of the first ones and barely ripped the paper off and screamed " I DON"T WANT THAT!!!!!!" We all roared! My brother got her an anamated dog-very life like-and she was scared of it!. My brother said he had a gift receipt but my niece said she would come around.
Tomorrow Jen comes early and gets her gifts from me then we pick up my mom and go to my Ex husbands for the afternoon.
I am tired but all in all it went as well as it could.
bettie

[kathryn]

Hey B,
HOpe you had a good day, what a hoot, nothing like a child to tell it like it is!!!!!
For once my boys were pretty happy with their presents from santa.  That in itself was a bonus and the blow up pool has been a massive hit although they used all my dishwashing liquid to fill it with bubbles….grrrr, it was a good one too!!!!!  My children will be the cleanest in  town and i think this summer i will just chuck them in the pool every night for a wash…..no matter the weather!!!!!!
I have a sister Jen, she is here on holidays for 2 weeks before on embarking on a 3month overseas holiday, the most of it in South America…..sigh.  She is in New York for 5 nights and THAT is one of my biggest dreams, i would love to see it, maybe one day!
Anyway, i did pretty well this year, i now have the tennis to look forward to on the 18th Jan, 3 nights in a 5 star hotel and 2 glorious sessions at the tennis, i cant wait, not to mention im with my other sister who is a joy in my life and her 2 daughters who are great fun.
Its almost a new year, and i dont do resolutions because i never follow through but i am going to try to look after my health and physical appearance (in other words, weight!)  in 2013……we shall see how i went this time next year!!!!!!!
Love you girl, you take care,
Love K xxxxxxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I guess the holidays are almost over. I dread the thought of packing up the Christmas tree etc so maybe New Years Day for that stuff. My brother called- he is bored. I was cleaning and he said well you are always cleaning. Thats true. I never get done!
I had quite a scare at work yesterday. I was finishing off some candy I had no reason to be eating and I choked. I must have breathed in just as I was swolling the last bit. Talk about panic. I braced myself on the counter and 2 of the tellers ran out of the lunch room. "Bettie-are you ok?" All I could mutted was "NO!" The one was coaching me to stay calm as I struggeled to get the smallest breath. The other was asking if she should call 911. Another teller came from the front of the bank to see what was going on. Slowly I struggeled for air, making just the worst sounds. Finally I caught my breath! Talk about scarry! That has happened to me 2 times before in my life but never like that. I thought I was going to die. So once I got past embarrased I went back to my desk and shook for a bit. Heck,it’s a day later and I am still a bit shook up about it.
I went to my meeting last night and was asked why I was there. I said because I wanted to be. People should think before they speak.
I have no plans for New years-I work until 5pm News Year Eve.
Back to cleaning for me.
bettie

[sherry123]

Oh Bettie, I’m sure glad you are okay!  What a scary thing to experience. I can understand how unsettling that would be. Thanks to God that you’re still here.
What a rotten thing for someone at your meeting to say.  I always wonder why people are like that. You had a good comeback though.  Good for you!
 

[desdemona]

Hey (((Bernie)))! It was nice chatting on the phone with you, and catching up. My Christmas decorations are always put away the day after Christmas because I’m always so glad when Christmas day has come and gone. I do know that I am DONE with having Danny’s brothers and their families over here on Christmas Day. My daughter was smart this year with her husband’s family. She asked everyone to bring two dishes of food. Even I have never had the nerve to ask my sister-in-laws to bring more than one dish. I forgot to tell you that your favorite of my granddaughters and her sister will be vacationing in Cuba in January. The 7 year old told me today that her friend’s mother had travelled to Cuba and said the food wasn’t really good. I told her that maybe they would just have to eat ice cream for every meal if they didn’t like the food. Talked with my oldest granddaughter and she is all settled in the house she is sharing with three other students, and she is watching repeat episodes of Glee. The other students won’t return till after New Year’s. According to N, she said that the fridge is full of beer and that there is hard booze in the freezer, and she thinks they may be big drinkers and partiers. The little girls were sad to see N move to the city, and your favorite came out to the garage and begged her sister not to go. Next time when someone asks you why you’re at the meeting, maybe say that you were wondering the same thing about them, why they were there. Going to try and organize myself in the next week, which means lots of cleaning. Carole 

[chubbycat]

Hi there… Bettie.. just want to say that i think that is awful of people at GA to ask you why you were there, most GA meetings i have been to are very very supportive and so happy to see people they have not seen in a while.. You go there proud and strong Bettie, i think you are awesome and you have been in recovery a long time with the odd blip but mostly you have done it Bettie, way more days not gambling than gambling thats for sure, you just be proud of yourself..
Chubby

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Roomates can be a real pain in the b-hind! I had one for a while. When I found het sneeking guys in after I went to sleep well that was enough.
Thanks for your support CC.
I took down the tree today and boxed the decorations. I will need help putting them in the basement as my neck still hurts. Haven’t heard about the MRI yet. No news is good news.
Happy New Year everyone.
bettie

[desdemona]

Nice you got the tree down (((Bettie))). Ken L was asking about you this morning on Gamtalk. I told him you were doing good. I saw you posted on someone’s thread that you had ordered yourself another Coach purse. Way to go! I love mine. I also saw that 2013 was going to be Bettie’s year!! I hope that it is! Who knows what 2013 will bring for any of us??? Hope it’s all good! But I like your attitude anyways!! We’ve got nothing planned for tonight but who knows. Maybe we’ll go visiting grandkids! Carole

[icandothis]

Glad you were ok, Bettie.  Scary.  I believe, also, that 2013 will be your year!  Don’t stop believing…hold on to that feeling! lol  Happy New Year!

[bettie]

Hi guys,
Well I went out last night and have paid for it all day .I did have fun but too much Beer.
Found out the cat snores, lol.
Back to work tomorrow. Typing on the phone is hard! 😉
Happy New Year
Bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Great that you had a good time going out, but us "fall" chickens don’t bounce back like we used to when we were spring chickens. I saw you posted on a few people’s threads with really good advice and support. Have you heard from Vera? Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes Carole she sent me a short email and said she was taking a break. Lets hope it is not for too long.
Busy day at work, nothing like the big boss coming in the first day after a holiday. I was the only banker today because my boss doesn’t know how to make a schedule. Plus side was that he had to help me take customers because his boss was there so he couldn’t hide in his office like he usually does when it’s just me! He who laughs last laughs best!
lol~
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! I laughed that your boss had to do his job because his boss was there. I guess there was no reading the newspaper and putting his feet up. Lol! First thing I did after the meeting was go eat 6 chocolates. Seems I’m easily influenced by even the word chocolate. That was a great meeting I thought! You and I both know what it’s like to lose a sibling, so I felt so sorry for that woman with her very recent loss.  Carole

[bettie]

I ate a bowl of high fiber cereal-with skim milk Carole! Not quite the same!
I wanted to workout when i got home today but I have a new excuse. The girl below me has a new born and I don’t want to disturb her! Oh well she willl adjust, I need to work out! My deceased neighbor said once when I told him sorry about the noise-he said "I knew something was going on up there but it was none of my business!" – funny guy!
bettie

[sherry123]

Bettie, you are a very considerate neighbor!  That’s so funny about your deceased neighbor’s comment.  Noise is something to be expected in apartments and condos but you are a very considerate neighbor.  Hope you find some way to get your exercise in.  I know if I don’t do it when I’m motivated I won’t do it at all.  Hope you have a good weekend. Sherry

[maverick.]

Hi Bettie, I hope you are well and love your consideration about your neighbour below, I wish you well and hope you have a great 2013, in truth I could do with a little more exercise myself but just for today my exercise is to chase my little boy and girl around the house (boy can they run), take care and look forward to reading your thoughts in the coming year, all the best love Maverick.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
((Carole)), (( Sherry)) and ((Maverick))! So good to see "old" friends here.
Got home from work and the down stairs neighbor was out so no excuses. I incorporated the shounder therapy moves with my step workout and after 45 minutes I am sweating like crazy.
Just looked out the window and it is snowing. Looks like some may stick as it is below freezing outside. It is a beautiful sight as we have had no snow this year and very little last year.
The neighbors in the next building are up to their old tricks. Last night I lost one of my ear plugs and the *sses were on the balcony at 3:30am and woke me up -again. I turned on my bedroom light to let them know I was awake. The talking continued. I plugged both ears and turned on my TV to drown them out but at that point I was upset and angry and couldn’t fall back to sleep for another hour and a half, only to wake up with an awful leg cramp! I spent 2 hours writing a letter to the condo assocation today so we will see.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! You have a lot of "get up and go." After getting up early and working you have enough energy to exercise as well. I hardly have enough energy to get out of bed in the mornings these days! Didn’t you tell me once that condo owners weren’t allowed to rent out their condos. Do those noisy neighbours own that condo?? That would aggrevate me to no end having neighbours wake me up. That’s one of the reasons I like living in the country. You must have had a lot to say to the condo board with a 2 hour letter. I hope they get kicked out very soon, like today. Don’t those people work or sleep?? Hope you have a great rest of the weekend. Carole

[bettie]

Carole I think they must bartenders because of the hours they keep. They are not owners. They grandfathered in the rental units when they decided to stop letting people buy then rent out their units. That rule was poorly enforced, as now we have too many renters to qualify for goverment loan programs.
I hold out little hope that they will be kicked out. There are "no eviction in winter " laws here-and it seems like every low life knows how to work the system. Calling the management company only resulted in a warning to the landlord. I am hoping that they will fine him this time. Money talks.
I think I had more determanitation than energy. I really had to force myself to work out. If I wasn’t taking a sleep aid I could do a workout before work. I did that every day for almost two years straight. I got frustrated when my weight stabalized and I could no longer loose weight, no matter if I starved myself or not. I am hoping to repeat the workout tomorrow.
Don’t know why I am having gambling urges-maybe the neighbor thing. That being said I am picking up dinner and going to my brothers to watch the football game. I have no team to cheer for since the Bears didn’t make the playoffs but I will root against Green Bay-just on principle. We are rivals and I hope they lose tonight! lol! Good thing I was never a sports bet person!
bettie– 1/6/2013 4:18:54 AM: post edited by bettie.

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie: Thanks for the lovely welcome back to the forum. Great to see your determination re: exercise. I promised myself I would really get into it in 2013, but I’ve yet to start. Will let you know how that goes. Talk soon. RG

[bettie]

hi guys,
I called the Dr about my MRI.
Nurse came on the line and said you have a tear.
No info, nothing else.
I see the Ortho on the23 rd.
It is what it is.
Bettie

[stan’s girl]

Hey Bettie,
Sorry to hear about that.  Hope you heal fast!
Just wanted to pop in and say hi.
CrystalLife isn't that difficult…people make it difficult.  It's simple, let go and move on OR hold on and stay stuck.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for posting Crystal.
Just back from physical Therapy. This will be my last appointment until I talk to the ortopedic. The therapist said depending on the size and location of the tear recovery from that type of surgery is 6-12……MONTHS~ Yikes! I asked her how fast would I go back to work she said 6-12 weeks. She said therapy would not cure my arm-if I chose not to do surgery it would be pain management and limitations on my activity. Well I will have to see what the dr says.
Just some thoughts I shared with a friend last week. We were talking about yet another common element with CG’s- a history of abuse. I wonder, some of us have had abusive mothers but were good mom’s ourselves. I think we compulsive gamble to in some way continue the abuse we suffered at the hands of people who were supost to protect us. Kind of sounds logical. At some level we were "bad" and since out abuser was out of the picure to inflict the punishment we punish ourselves for all our "sins"-real and imagined.
Food for thought.
bettie

[sherry123]

Bettie, hope you get some relief soon and that any surgery takes care of the pain. 

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
… I think we compulsive gamble to in some way continue the abuse we suffered …
Food for thought.

Good morning Bettie,
You asked about the GA conference in April, it is a little too early in my straighting out my mess to commit to additional spending, but things are looking up and I will give it some thought. Another meeting that is coming up that I know that I can’t make is the one in Kansas City next month. My living relatively close to and in the middle of these two cities has been a plus for me in attending both conferences, but my also being caught up in the middle of the consequences of my recent actions takes away from that; another consequence that comes from being caught unguarded and in the right circumstances.
About your thoughts on self-abuse, your food for thought only adds credence to one of the charismatics of a CG e.g. "there is a theory that compulsive gamblers subconsciously want to lose to punish themselves". However, in using therapy or by just working the steps of your GA program, especially Steps 4 and 11, teaches us that with the help from our HP we can move past those times and start rewarding the good person that we actually are instead. 
You also speak of physical therapy. I received an exercise bike for Christmas and how that I will faithfully use it to get myself in better condition. Using it souled not add any additional stress to my old bones, and hopefully will help in losing some of the weight that is adding stress.  One feat that I hold is that a few years back when I lose a lot of my excess weight I used one at the fitness room available at work, at that time working out required more energy and I was afraid that I would eat more to supply it, so I stopped and just controlled my eating habits. Something that I can not seem to do now, so exercise may now be the answer. But thanks to your warnings about torn ligaments, I will try not overextend.
I had a torn ligament a couple of years ago and it takes along time to heal. Fortunately It did not require surgery, but did call for therapy and rest. I also experienced the same needs when I had some bone spurs in my shoulder. Then I was giving the choice of having an operation — a  forced movement of the arm to break the spurs loose that they called an operation, or therapy sessions. The surgery also called for the same amount of therapy afterwards to help in healing the broken bones, so I opted for just the therapy – for a therapist to get off by inflicting more pain on me lol, but that worked out for the best. Give a lot of consideration to your choice, only have the operation if there is no other option.  Just my food for thought as a layman, not medical advice.
God’s speed. Stay strong.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Sherry the pain is manageable right now-but I am afraid the cortazone shot is wearing off already. I am in good shape for the shape I am in.~lol~
Larry always good to get a post from you. You always manage to be so thoughtful and I know I am not alone when I say thank you. Your opinion is always welcome here.
I hate to break the news to you Larry but I had found in the past when I was on a regular workout program it DOES reduce you appetite. I really hate when I have to accept that what I have always been told was true-I just didn’t want to hear it!
I think life and recovery is like that too. We fight facing the truth-and in doing so waste time that could be better spent. I guess we face our addictions when we can, better late than never.
bettie

[desdemona]

OMGoodness (((Bettie)))! Sorry to hear that you have a rotary cuff tear. No wonder you’ve been in such pain. I don’t know if you have your GA meeting tonight or not, but if you don’t and are feeling up to it, can you phone me? It’s 3:30 here but I’m going to lay down for a bit, so after supper, if that works for you. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hey Carole, I was home all evening yesterday however the GT site was down and I was not able to get online and didn’t get your message until just now.
My meeting is tonight but I can try to call u when I get home. That would be around 8-9pm your time.
Jen had an interview yesterday and was told she would hear today if she got the job. Prayers please! This girl needs a job!
With the new taxes and increase in payments for medical I had to dip into my auction funds to pay my 2nd mortgage this month. I can’t seem to save a dime! I did find some cute items to list yesterday. I paid $11.50 and haves bids over $40 already. I do seem to have an eye for those things. I see God provides what we need.
bettie

[cat438]

Bettie, sorry that you are having all the pain and health problems.  Sorry that I have not posted for a while on your page, but I do come and read your posts to see how you are doing.  I know that you and Larry both make me think when you posts things… which is awesome… as the more aware we are… the more we work on ourselves in recovery.  I wish I could get on a bike/treadmill and do something about my weight.  All that is missing is the motivation as I have both of these excercise pieces in the basement.  It really makes me wonder as when I was gambling I lost weight and I know that I did not eat as much.  I notice that I am eating more since I stopped gambling… so could the overeating also be tied into punishing ourselves.  The mind is a complex thing.  I am really working on the Let Go Let God and it is helping, but I know that I need to do more.  One day at a time!!!  Take care dear BettieOne day at a time my sweet lord…

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for posting Cat!
Jen reports that she starts work on Wednesday! It is part time work but she needs something current on her resume. She said she would look for a pt waitress job if she has to. Thank you God!
Off to work for me!
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))I Great that Jen got a parttime job! I tried to call you but alas you weren’t home. Off to watch my Saturday line-up of murder mysteries, like 48 Hours Mystery. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Went to dinner with my brother at a favorite restruant last night. Much to my suprise my brother told me about some construction they were doing in the banquet room. They added VLT’s. I guess I just have to get used to these things popping up all over the place. I feel much like my friend Pp, because there is no exclusion that could be enforced on these things.
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

Hi Guys,
Went to dinner with my brother at a favorite restruant last night. Much to my suprise my brother told me about some construction they were doing in the banquet room.
…They added VLT’s …
I guess I just have to get used to these things popping up all over the place. I feel much like my friend Pp, because there is no exclusion that could be enforced on these things.
bettie

Good morning Bettie,
I have come to see the video poker and  lottery terminals as no more part on my life than the lottery tickets sold everywhere, or the office sport pools as work. The gambling industry is everywhere.  When I first started on my road of recovery I could not visit New Orleans for almost a year because of the fear I had of these machines being at every turn, Missouri at the time was yet to allow them here as they do now in bars.  In fact, I am happy to say the the casinos here are not an attraction to me, but nevertheless it is still the power of my addiction that I have to deal with.
Thankfully I can recognize this controlling power and that helps me view these obstacles and "Step" (as in your GA Step program) around them. I know that I need to separate myself from the "devil within" more than the tools that he uses.  I even knew this when I gambled a few months back, that knowledge was at hand then but unfortunately I only recognized the truth enough to try and hide my wrongful actions form those around me; I drove hundreds of miles to feed the addiction and escape troubling news so at the time I would not be found out — but I immediately knew afterwards that had to share the events with others anyway. Just think, if I had not wasted a few hundred dollars on a hotel, car rental, and gas I would have had more funds to gamble, lol — a very poor joke but still a little funny in a way, humor is based on suffering and misfortune.
My telling of my actions again is a lead in to say, don’t try to get used to the machines, this will make them seem friendly and harmless, but hold on to the fact and truth that they are not part of "your" life, but merely part of the decor an attraction to others.  Keep working at separating yourself from the power of the addiction and let the gambling industry go about their business; the devil’s business. I recall that the first local GA conference I attended was held at facilities across the way from a newly opened casino, but we just has to deal with it; it wasn’t something to get used to, it was only an obstacle to overcome and "Step" over.  But as some precaution, your can try to only patronize the gambling free businesses that you know of, and get used to being surprised that the ones you choose may have joined the others that are popping up everywhere at any time — in Nevada even McDonald’s offers gambling (in addition to the gamble we are taking with our health  lol).
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[desdemona]

Hey (((Bettie)))! It’s a good thing that you have some solid recovery behind you when it comes to vlts. They are in every bar/lounge here, and the self-exclusion does not cover the vlts here either. Because you have no history of playing them, half the battle is won here for you already. The other half is just not playing them. I have a long history of playing vlts and that’s where my battle comes from. I am banned from the casinos, which has helped me tremendously. The vlts have a lower payout than the casino machines, incidently. I called Gaming and asked them why the vlts weren’t part of the self-exclusion and was told there were too many of them for Gaming to notify. I told her that surely it was as easy as an email as they knew who had the vlts, as the bar owners rented them from Gaming. She didn’t have anything to say about that. The primary person who is responsible for policing themself from gambling is the person who has self-excluded themself. So how hard would it be for Gaming to include the vlts under the self-exclusion? They don’t do it as they make millions of dollars from the vlts, mostly from cgs. It’s a sad commentary on where the government’s priorities lay. It seems to be always about money, and not the welfare of people. I used to see the same people at the vlts, cgs just like me. Carole   

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well Carole I can’t really say I have no history of VLT’s-as my first Illegal gambling was done on poker machines at the bars when I was 21. That was a LONG time ago so it isn’t a recient history, but history none the less.
Just home from work 20 minutes ago. I had my call night-ugh!-but it is done. Of course I got lost in the worst neighborhood! My asst Manager just happened to call when I was leaving that branch and was able to talk to me until I got straightened out. She is familiar with the area and told me NOT to stop and ask ANYONE for directions. I guess she knew I stood out like a sore thumb ( she is black, I am white ). Even thought I haven’t lived in the city for a long time even I know when there are police watch camaras on every street corner, chances are there is gang actitivity.
Doing well with my online auction. Picked up some collectables that cost me about $12 dollars and the bids are over $100 now! I decited that I will donate some of my sales to the Blind Cat help group and the Anti Crulity society. It I do the site rebates my sale cost so it is a win-win!
I am pooped!
bettie

[neva]

Bettie, it sounds like you’ve found your niche in the online auctions. Sounds a lot more lucrative than a yard sale. I’ve never bought or sold anything online but I might just do it someday.  I’ll ask you for pointers first.
Glad you made it safely home!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I have very strong urges to gamble today. I was driving toward "the scene of the crime", the Indiana casinos, as I was going to see my ex-gambling buddy to hang out for a few hours and shop. I had it in my head that if she suggested we gamble I would. ( I have told her to never ask me that-as I can not control it ). We had lunch, she talked about her plan for tomorrow. She was planning an outing for tomorrow-she had a comp-and she planned on using it then leaving. As much as I wanted to say "lets go" I knew I would not. I would not "shame" myself into asking her to go with me.
It will be 3 years on Febuary 20th, that I lost the most that I have ever lost at the casino. I had written some "hot" checks-spent the mortgage, the car payment, any money I could get my hands on. I cried on the phone to my daughter-she had to bail me out. I feared for my job if those checks hit the bank. I tried to sleep but "Woke up wishing I was dead" that day. I had to face the reality and admit to myself, not only did I have a gambling problem, I was a Compulsive Gambler-and I wanted to die. I had the method picked out, the supplies at the ready, I was more willing to kill myself than face the truth. "Could there possibly be anyone in the world that felt how I was feeling?"
I googled "Gambling Help" and found Harry on the hotline. There was a group session going on and he asked me to join it. I remember crying and typing and and the whole group of strangers reassuring me that YES, people like me DO feel like I felt! That I was not alone. That people do recover from this madness-that there was hope for me.
It’s not been a perfect 2 years, 11 months-I have had my trials and trimuphs. I have cried more tears than I can count. I have experenced friendship and love from people around the world. So many of you have been a big part of my recovery-the trips, the chats, phone calls, cards sent. Paitience and Wisdom shared. Tough Love when I needed a kick in the butt, a non judgemental ear when I just needed to vent.
I just want to thank each and every one of you.
I didn’t gamble today-Gambling is not an option!
with love
bettie– 1/21/2013 4:32:51 AM: post edited by bettie.

[icandothis]

Hi Bettie,  I am glad you didn’t gamble Sunday.  I believe that 80% thing.  I have been thinking about gambling way too much!  I know in theory we have control over our thoughts.  this is something I need to work on.  the more I think about gambling; the more likely I will gamble.  I like what you said.  Just do the next right thing.  Good advice.  I am struggling today, so I am going to try to do just that.  Do the next right thing.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
… I didn’t gamble today-Gambling is not an option! …

Good morning Bettie,
I would like to add to Ican’s sentiments and say that I too am glad that you did not gamble Sunday. I am also glad that the help and support from you and others here is a powerful reason that I did not gamble Sunday either when I found myself driving toward "the scene of the crime"; thanks to you, and the others, I turned around and am accepting that gambling is not an option.
God’s speed. Stay strong.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[p]

Hi Bettie very glad to see you didnt gamble. I cant stand the thought of others relapsing because i just did and i know the pain. Never want to go through it again and hate to see anyone else go through it too.
P

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for your replys, they mean a lot.
Just home from the orthopedic. I need surgery-no big suprise there. I just wish they would stop telling me "Wow, you have a lot of arthritis in _______ ( fill in the blank! ) I told him not to x ray my hair – as I didn’t want to hear I had it there too. I will see him in about 2-3 weeks and he will schedule the surgery then. I just want it over with.
I am a bit bummed out here. He said I would be off 6-8 weeks of work but I needed extensive physical therapy for a few months. Oh well, it is what it is and I will mannage. I do have short term disability so at least I won’t miss pay.
The last surgery I had was 7 years ago. I was off work about 12 weeks then. Even though I couldn’t work I sure made it to the casino!
Not this time!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just home from my GP. He was concerned. Arthritis, bursitis, tendonitis, spinal stenosis, my body is a wreck. So so depressing to hear all this in one sentence. I told him I guess it’s not a good time to take up boxing, he just half smiled and your right, are you sure you don’t have any questions? I told him no.
I guess I am fortunate that I don’t feel as bad as that sounds. The fun is coming-pt after surgery-but I will worry about that when the time comes.
I booked a massage for this afternoon. I think I deserve one.
bettie

[desdemona]

Hey (((Bettie)))! Ask your doctor to book your surgery in the summer and come and recover here after a couple of weeks for a couple of weeks. My daughter drove seven hours one way with her friends to hear Oprah speak in Calgary. She said that she was glad that she went but that her talk was pretty much the things she has heard Oprah say on TV. She didn’t find it too motivational. It was the first time Oprah has been in Canada, she said. Oprah complained in Edmonton and Calgary about the weather. Carole

[p]

Hi Bettie
Sorry to hear you are in such pain. I wish we lived closer. I would love to live closer to a lot of you. Just because the ocean is in between however doesnt mean my thoughts are any less for you. Wishing you a happy day today. Things will be good after your surgery imagine how good you will feel when its all done.
P

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the thoughts P. Carole they are up on that-during my last leave 7 years ago they called me every week on my home phone to "check in". I believe it’s to make sure you don’t go anywhere. They also hound you about when you are coming back to work.
Cold and I am making some turkey soup.
The massage was nice.
My brain is working overtime trying to figure out the arrangements I need to make-and I don’t even have a surgery date yet!
bettie

[desdemona]

So why can’t a person go anywhere they want on a medical leave. It’s not like you’d be here doing cartwheels. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I guess they figure if you are well enough to travel you are well enough to work!
Had my car towed to the dealer today. I lost control 3 different times and even had to use the emergency break! They checked and tested and bla bla bla and as I supected they found nothing wrong. Next snow I will have my brother drive the car and get his opinion. They can deal with him-he is not as nice as I am!
bettie

[neva]

Ican had the same problem of losing control of her car!  Hope you can figure out what’s causing it.  Could it be your tires?  I used to work for a place that kept tabs on us while we were on maternity leave.  How crazy is that?  Isn’t the baby proof?  Maybe things have eased up because it boarder lines harassment.
 

[cat438]

Hi Bettie, so sorry that you are having such health problems.  I can’t believe how positive you are on your posts even though you are facing all the health issues.  I am sure that you are in pain. They do the same in Canada when you are on sick leave – if you leave your province/country then you have to let them know. Stay strong and warm!!!  It has been absolutely freezing here last week!!!!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I think I figured out what was wrong with the car~it was the moron behind the wheel! lol~~
I have never had antilock brakes and did not know that they are suppost to sound like a jack hammer when they try to stop on ice! had a nice driving lession in the freeing rain we had yesterday, I was with my brother when everything iced over and we had a drivers education class. Live and learn. It’s still in the 40’s  here today and 50’s tomorrow then we will freeze again on Wednesday.
Pain-yep got that today. It’s not too bad but I had to resort to sleeping in the recliner last night because I could not get my neck and arm comfortable. Hope to sleep in the bed tonight but we will see.
One of the "friends with out benifits" was in today-he told me I would gain a lot of weight when I was off for my surgery. Nice don’t you think? What an *ss! People can be so d*mn rude! You know maybe I will top 300 pounds just for the heck of it! I mean really, wtf??
bettie

[cat438]

Hi Bettie, glad you got your brake problem sorted LOL  I don’t know what to say in regards to your friend’s comment.  I think you said it so eloquently yourself.  It is true sometimes people say the most horrible things.  I would say that being overweight has been my enemy for years!!!  I have lost weight, gained weight and so the cyle goes.  I know that it would be better for me health wise to lose some weight and exercise.  I have to say that when I gambled I lost weight, but I am not going to use that as an excuse to start gambling LOL  There is more to you than your weight Bettie; and that is not what I saw when I met you.  I saw a wonderful lady with a warm smile, awesome personality and fun, fun, fun to be around.  Dont let one "rude" vperson get you down!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[bettie]

Thanks Cat, point well taken.
I know sometimes people’s remarks trigger us to gamble- a fight flight reaction. Just like gambling my weight problems can only be worked on by me- I hold the fork! No one feeds me, and no one can make me gamble-unless I choose to.
Off to work.
bettie

[icandothis]

Hi Bettie,  I wish I could say the same thing about my car problem.  My problem cost me just over $1000!  I feel blessed that it was not a dangerous situation for me or anyone else.  But I dream of the day when these unexpected costs are nothing to fret and worry about.  I wish it wasn’t a big SLIP in our Financial Recovery Program.   At least I didn’t SLIP in my GT Recovery Program and gamble.  Then I would have had a slip-slip.   A gamble SLIP would also be a slip in my Happiness Project.  A slip-slip-slip.  That’s a lot of slips!!! lol
Just a little humor.  I realize gambling slips are very painful and many here, including myself, are still suffering from the after shocks.  But life will always have its slips, and I dream of the day when we all stop adding gambling slips into the mix.   
I had to smile when I read "Friends without Benefits"  I guess we all have a few of those! 

[velvet]

 
Hi Bettie
Sorry to hear all you health issues but glad that mentally you are doing so well.
I merrily slid down a road the other day with the antilock brakes going like jack hammers – it is quite nerve-racking.   I remembered from previous years to take my foot of the brake and drive even though I was sliding – fortunately I got round a corner without mishap and stopped. I am now told that antilock brakes mean you do keep your foot on the brake! 
At the moment the snow has gone so I intend to find out the truth before the next flurry of the white stuff.
I just wanted you to know I had popped in to see how you were doing and leave a note to say I had called.
Velvet

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Ican, I love the slip, slip slip note~ reminds me of the crazy circles we run when in action. Just like a hampster on a wheel, spinning in place and getting nowhere!
Tx for the calling card Velvet!
Oh I made a blubbering fool out of my self at work. I aproached my boss about my review. I got a "meets expetations"-the same rating I got last year, and the year before. How is it that you are the top sales person in the branch get the same review? I could not talk to him without being upset. He was cool about it, he said "Gee, you seem really upset. Just calm down and we will talk about it". So I guess they rate us against all the bankers in the regon and thats how they come up with the numbers, Really? I do so many things that are beyond my responsibility and get zero credit for that-even though "customer service" is a priority. What a joke! We have bankers with half the goals we have so how can that be the "peer" group? It’s all cr*p, but it is what it is. I told him I was discouraged and dissapointed. He told me he did apreceate all I did-at least thats something. I did see the asst and my co-banker got the same rating. That burns me-as the asst didn’t even make 50% of her goals. I have decited not to stress or kill myself trying to get the goals from now on. I will just keep doing the next right thing-and God will do the rest. I surrender! 
I have 2 Dr appointments today and go see the orthopedic next Wednesday. Fun, fun, fun!
bettie

[trulyshi]

You know your own self worth, Bettie.  As a wonderful, warm, caring person who is there when you need her I would rate you EXCEPTIONAL.  Luv ya girl, Deb

[neva]

We all need validation at work and a paycheck just isn’t enough!  At least you voiced your opinion of their opinion.  I’m glad we don’t have reviews.  I don’ think my self-esteem could handle it. 
I always wonder why people say hurtful or demeaning things. There is no excuse for it but they must have a motive to make themselves feel superior.  If that’s the case, then it’s really all just about them so try not to take it personally!
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Had the nicest talk with the sweet girl that moved in down stairs. Her baby is about 2 months old and he is just the cutest little boy. She came up to talk to me, seems her ex boyfriend, the baby’s dad, had threatned her and she got him arrested. She wanted to know if we have security cameras, which we don’t. I went down to her unit and we talked for about an hour. I told her to call me day or night if she was scared or just needed someone to look out the window and see if he was messing around outside. ( He has been leaving notes on her car which is parked next to mine.) She is also my ally aganist the ignorant neighbors in the next building. Her bed room is under mine and they wake her too. Seems after I left for work on Friday the drunk that had woke me up earlier was vomiting off the balcony! What kind of trashy behaviour is that?? She will be calling the management company herself on Monday. I had called Friday and was told that the owner said he would kick the renters out if they continued doing what they were doing. Maybe I am making progress with that situtation.
I found out today that I am already at 100% on 3 of my 4 goals for work. That is unusual this early on but when I go on my medical leave my goals will be prorated-which is even better. I could make some money this quarter-that would be nice.
Went to a meeting on Friday. I feel out of place there these days. The "clique" still seems alive and well there. Some times I just feel like a sore thumb. Must be my "thin skin".
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
… Went to a meeting on Friday. I feel out of place there these days …

Good morning Bettie,
A meeting room is not a "Social Club", the only requirement for belonging to GA is the desire to stop gambling, the main reason to go is to pursue and honor that desire.  "Principles before Personalities" is a hard guideline to keep in mind when we feel isolated form the group; or when our perception of things may be a little off due to other problems that we are dealing with; or when we are not finding the quality of support that we ourselves are giving to others and think that everyone should be giving all also, like you give daily in all of your involvement with others. 
Nevertheless, putting the principles of recovery first is what we need in allowing us to find something that helps us when we attend meetings (there are three time that we should go to a meeting; when we feel like it; when we don’t; and the times in between) — "take whatever helps you (even if it is only the fact that you went) and leave the rest behind". And who knows, you might be helping them and being what they need when you attend; another principal of GA is to help others. You are a great help here, and must be one to the other members of GA as well without you realizing it or them acknowledging it. 
God’s speed. Stay strong.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[badapple702]

Hi Bettie. I’m new here and read the title of your first post, and thought to myself, “My God, I hope she’s still with us.”. Lo and behold, 260 pages later, I was pleased to see that you are. Despite all the stumbling blocks, etc., I’m very proud of you for hanging in there. Not due to gambling, but I was at the bottom of a deep, dark hole in 2007, and decided I didn’t want to be here anymore. By the grace of God, He said it wasn’t my day to go. It’s NEVER that bad, ever. You have a lot of friends here, as I can see, to reach out to. God Bless you on your continual journey, and I hope you’re feeling better.
Xoxo

[desdemona]

Hey (((Bettie)))! Great to hear that 3 out of 4 of your goals have been met already! That would be great if you could make some extra money this quarter, by meeting and exceeding your goals. I’m sure you have many places that money could go to good use. How’s your left shoulder?? The pain in my right shoulder and forearm was so bad, the night before last, that it woke me up. I think I’m going to see a chiropractor before I see a medical doctor. I have no clue what’s causing all this pain. I have not been sleeping well at all. I woke up in the hotel, not knowing where I was, and have been sleeping fitfully.  When I was in the city, I bought some picture frames from Ikea for pictures I had of flowers. I was trying to hang one and the one next to it, fell in the big dog water dish, soaking it. My washer and dryer are finally working so no more carrying sewer water laden towels to the big house. The other day I fell carrying a laundry hamper. Another day I dropped the basket to the ground and got sprayed in the face with sewer water. I spent a couple of hours cleaning in the other house, as I’m expecting two renters today. Danny leaves Wednesday in the later afternoon to go back to work. He has been behaving nicely since he came home, but my counsellor calls it the pretend normal stage, before the tension builds up stage. My daughter and her family are in Cuba and I wonder how G is behaving. I had her out before they left and she wouldn’t listen a lick to me. She kept saying she wanted to have a "leapover" at my house, and that she would be nice. Like that’s going to happen! Carole

[cat438]

Hi Bettie, I don’t know where to start as there seems to be so mcuh going on in your life.  It is great that you have met 3 of your 4 goals at work, and I pray you meet the 4th so that it will help you when you have to be off on sick leave.  I feel so bad for you having all these health problems, and yet you keep going like the energizer bunny, and I can imagine that smile and laugh as you keep going!!!  It is great that you have found someone else who is a support for all the noise and problems that you are having with the noisy neighbours.  I can also imagine you being the "protective mother hen" with the young woman who just moved in with her baby.  There is always a reason for everything and who knows maybe the two of you have been put in each others path for a reason.  You really sound as if you are enjoying ebay selling.  It makes me want to start!!! One day at a time my sweet lord…

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
it’s official-I am a menopause moron! I decited to cook the frozen pizza I had in the freezer for my supper. I usually just throw it on the oven rack but since it was 1/2 a pizza and I thought it might bubble over I baked it on a pizza pan. About 10 minutes in I hear it dripping to the bottom of the hot oven. D*mn! So I go in the kitchen and take some wet paper towel and long tongs and wipe the burnt cheese from the bottom of the oven. I grab a cookie sheet, look at the pizza, thought it look weird but shut the oventhen  I thought wow that piza looked like it was upsidedown, na, I couldn’t have done that. 10 more minuites and the smoke alarm rings "FIRE FIRE~BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" ok now what? I fan the smoke detector and decide it’s dinner time! I look in the oven and sure enough, THE PIZZA WAS CHEESE SIDE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE OVEN! The crust was cooked into the pan and the smoking cheese was all over the cookie sheet below!
I microwaved some frozen pasta and used the crust as breadsticks! I had to laugh at myself!
bettie 

[trulyshi]

Hey girl, was it a pineapple and ham pizza, cause if it was then you could have had pineapple upside down pizza.  LMAO, only you!!!!!  Deb

[neva]

At least you’re laughing too.  Pizza does sound good.  Maybe I’ll put one in the oven and I’ll double check it’s right side up.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
…  look at the pizza, thought it look weird …
                       … "FIRE FIRE~BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" … 

Good morning Bettie,
First, if it was a Chicago style pizza they look weird in the first place lol (reference to past post on pizza).  I am glad that you were able to prevent a fire thought, Catherine O’Leary had her cow to blame for burning down Chicago, you would have had to blame a pizza while singing "There’ll be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight".
Joking aside, I am happy the you are ok, kitchen fires or the main cause for serious damage, you were fortunate.
God’s speed.
p.s. see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERXq3r1Kq0Q
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[icandothis]

OMG, Larry…Great video…That kitchen floor in the youtube video looks just like mine…and those dance moves…well, I think "Little Miss Pizza Burner" stole her cooking-dance moves from me!  Bettie, Don’t be discouraged…Just keep Cookin, Good-lookin!

[trulyshi]

OMG, Larry, I am laughing so hard, omg, I am rolling on the floor.  Funniest video ever, hahahahahahaha.  Thank you

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I am in a foul mood. I did my income taxes tonight. Not good, not good at all. I had the last distribution from my retirement plan that I cashed in due to my gambling. Once I started taking it I could not stop until it was gone. I paid bills etc and of course the money had been spent for months. I swear I thought I had withheld more taxes. I owe the goverment-big time!
I think what bugs me the most it I know how people cheat the goverment, claim kids that are not theirs, and get thousands in refunds-on top of the fact that some are self employed and never even pay income taxes in the first place.
I considered some of the things I might do, things I have done in the past and decited I would just be honest and not cheat-so why don’t I feel good about it?
I have 3 choises. 1. Try for a hardship withdrawl from my 401K ( and have to pay additional taxes on that next year! )
2. Try for a loan ( that I can’t really afford ) or 3. Max out the little bit of credit that I have open.
I can do a payment arrangement with the goverment-but If I missed a payment with them they could freeze my bank account and really screw me up!
Just here living the "American Dream"=lol!
bettie

[desdemona]

(((Bettie))) Sorry to hear that you’re going to owe money to the IRS. I don’t believe it’s good to cheat the government as they are even less kind when they find out, and then there are penalities and interest and lots of stress. I talked to the accountant today and he said that I should put away a lot of money as my income tax bill for 2013 will be huge, due to my rental income. Danny said don’t claim all of it, but I wouldn’t do that. I do believe in God and Karma and that we reap what we sew. It just seems that it’s one thing after another stressor with you. Hoping that good things come to you soon. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Very frustrating dealing with this Doctor. They finally called today ( were suppost to call last Thursday ) and booked my surgery, Unless they find a reason to reschedule I will have it Feb 27th. My primary care Dr has already signed off so I may just need more current blood work. I have to get hold of my cousin to see if she is able to help if not I have a girlfriend that might be able to do it. Worse case I’ll have to ask Jenny to get a day off work. I hate to do that since she just started that job.
This place is a pig sty and I really need to get on the ball in the next week. I will not have use of my left arm for at least a couple weeks, and then it will be limited.
I have been trying to talk myself out of doing surgery at this point but I have been having sharp pain every so often today. Just a reminder I guess. Will be glad when this is taken care of.
bettie

[neva]

It’s funny how we can’t get things done and then, when we’re under the gun, we can find the motivation we need.  I’m sure that will happen with your housework and you’ll have everything perfect before the surgery.  We’re working on our taxes too.  Luckily, we don’t have to pay in but we’re not getting too much back because I’m drawing out part of my retirement too.  I did set it up to have an additional $50 a month taken out of my paycheck each month just to help with the tax bite.  Having to pay more taxes on top of what you already paid hurts! At least next year shouldn’t be that way.

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! I just checked my calendar to see if I could fly out and help you, but Danny flies out on the 28th, to go back to work, and I have those darn dogs to look after. I would have liked to be able to do that for you. What day in March is your birthday?? Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Very generous offer Carole! Maybe you can come in for the GA conference if you are interested in that this year. I should be able to attend-hopefull I will be somewhat healed by then. It’s in April. I should be off until around the 22nd so you could stay longer and maybe really see part of the city this time. My birthday is the 20th of March.
My cousin sent a one line answer- I will take you. Well beggars can’t be choosers so hopefully she doesn’t mind too much. Jen flat out said she doesn’t want to take off work but another friend said she would come over every day to feed my cats if i can’t manage to open the cans and she can run errands. My brother will do the heavy lifting-grocerys, laundry etc. I am going to hate accepting help-but what else can I do?
Doing laundry, cleaning and doing some stock up shopping today. Gonna buy all the caned cat food I can get because there is only 1 brand I buy them. If you give cats a choice of food they get picky so I only feed them one kind.
bettie

[cat438]

Bettie, so sorry that you are facing all this with your health, but it will be worth it after you have recovered from the surgery.  You have to accept the help that people give you.  If the shoe was on the other foot… you would be the first person there to help others… as that is just who you are.  I would base your decision on what you would prefer to do.  Could you stay with your cousin for a few days then go home for a few days as then it might be easier on you.  Do what makes Bettie happy.  I would gladly come and help if I lived closer. Take care my friend.  Happy Valentines Day!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Valentines day-just a day to make lonely people feel bad I think, Sour grapes-yep, no doubt about it. Had someone tell me "what a special day it is for some people" I said yea and I sure wasn’t one of them! I hung up the phone and cried for an hour.Then I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself no wonder I’m alone. Who in their right mind would want that? Hormones suck.
Just read an artical about a ex politican in California who stole from charity to gamble. Her wagers totaled over 1 BILLION, and her net loss $13 MILLION. Of course she was going to pay that back when she "won". She blames it on a brain tumor. I think that is the strongest denial I have ever heard of. They are delaying her jail time to give her a chance to "pay the money back". Really? Maybe she has a "system" yet to try. I did not see the words "compulsive gambler" in there anywhere.
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
I dont think anything at all registers in me when its valentines day, its just another day to me. Guess thats pretty bad that i dont feel anything about it. That probably says it all. Hope your pain is easing and that the op goes well and you have a speedy recovery.
P

[trulyshi]

Bettie, every day that I talk to you is a special day to me.  You have been my rock, girl, through good and through bad and because of you I am making my recovery work this time.  You are a special lady and a very special friend.  If that mirror saw you through my eyes it would see the most beautiful person in the world because that is what I see, inside and out.  Debbie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I decited to skip my meeting tonight because my sister had called last week to invite me out for dinner. When I got off work I called her cell and it just rang and rang. I knew she was suppost to get her hair done so I thought she couldn’t pick up. I called my niece’s cell to see what was up and I asked her what she was doing. Washing dinner dishes she says. Really? Seems their plans changed and they went Yesterday-and forgot about me. I just said oh. She said her mom hadn’t mentioned me coming along for dinner after they got their hair done. I told her it was OK-and cried the rest of the way home.
I walked in the door to my phone ringing. It was my sister apologizing. I told her it was OK. She offered to come stay with me the Friday after my surgery. She offered to have my mom come stay with me too. I told her I needed someone who could help me. My mom can barely make it up my stairs and frankly I would rather be alone. Shameful of me but it is the truth. She drives me crazy.
I feel so unlovable-I know it’s hormones but it really sucks to be forgotten. I know too these feeling drove me to the casino more that once.
Guess I should go eat.
bettie

[neva]

Sorry you got left out Bettie.  With it being your sister then you know she really did get side-tracked and meant no harm to you.  Nobody wants to be left out even if it was by accident.  I’m glad you posted and didn’t gamble.  So, what did you eat?  Hope it was something really good.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I am trying to catch up on the posts, it’s been awhile since I’ve been here.  Sorry to hear that you have to have surgery.  I can totally relate to healthcare costs, since dealing with my Husband’s hospital and treatment bills.  We have set up repayment plans with everyone, that’s all you can do.  Take good care of yourself. As for your noisy neighbors, we have dealt with that for 2 years.  The condo above us sat empty for a long time, then the owners and 2 children moved in.  It gets to the point of being ridiculous.  Don’t people have any common sense? Thank goodness, my Husband sleeps hard.  And you are not unloveable!!!!  You are my hero, and mentor.  Don’t forget how important you are!!  Take care!Seize all the good things in life

[desdemona]

That wasn’t nice of them (((Bettie)))! My feelings would have been hurt and I would have felt rejection. Sorry that happened to you. Your reaction was appropriate from where I’m sitting. Is your surgery still scheduled for the 27th?? Why is it that us cgs do so much for other people and then when we need help, there are very few people willing to inconvenience themselves to meet our needs? Wish we lived closer to each other. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Nice to see you back and posting Lizbeth. Feels odd to be refered to as a "mentor". It’s very flattering but I am just another CG trying to muddle through this mad illiness just like everyone else.
Today is my brother’s oldest daughters 21 birthday. He was so scared! I was the birthing coach as he refused to be anywhere near when the time came. I held my sil’s hand as they forcept delivered my niece. Poor mom, just in agony. They pulled so hard I thought the babys head would pop off! My niece still bares a slight distortion where the forcept pressed on the side of her face. When it was all said and done I went to get my brother who so greatly wanted a son. He was pouting, didn’t want to see the baby! I told him to get his *ss in there and go thank his wife and go fall in love with his beautiful daughter. He did, and he did cry tears of joy when he saw her! She became his "little buddy" and he took that girl everywhere with him.
I know he would be so proud of her. I miss him as much today as the day he left us. Hard to believe he’s gone 11 years in July.
bettie

[p]

Hello Bettie
I hope that that operation is going to happen soon and you get it all over and done with. you can do nice things for yourself while waiting to heal. Watch lots of movies and read books, i think you are awesome bettie. I miss seeing you on our chat with lee hoping to make it back soon
P

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
… Feels odd to be refered to as a "mentor" …

Good morning Bettie,
Today is the anniversary for the day that your started to become a "mentor" three years ago in addition to ir being the beginning of you making a change in your life.  Three years of working on recovering from the power and grasp of the addiction of compulsive gambling, three years of progressing and making your life better and more normal. All may not have been a bed of roses, or the place where you find yourself today may not be where you want to be, but your life is better and you are still benefiting from all the gambling free time that you have accumulated during this time. Well done, and keep working at progressing.
I know for me the day I accepted that I needed help, that my life was unmanageable, and the day I recognized that I was even on the verge of having ending it, is the day that I celebrate everyday as I am also celebrating the day at hand. August 13, 2009 represents my rebirth, October 17th is only a day that I use in GA, and more important one that is a reminder to me that I am vulnerable if I fail to keep my guard up or become complacent or cocky or find myself just not giving a sh*t.  So celebrate this day,"your birthday", and be proud that you have advanced so far, and feel good about you being the mentor that you have been to many.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep helping others as your are helping yourself.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[velvet]

Hi Bettie
I just wanted to say ‘hi’ and tell that whenever your thread title appears, the thought always spring into my mind ‘I’m glad you didn’t get that wish’.
Velvet

[bettie]

 
Hi Guys,
Carole looks like you posted about when I did! I just saw your note. As far as i know surgery is still on for the 27th,
Larry, as always, your posts are so well thought out. I was confusted on my "bottom out" date too- I thought last month that I was in Febuary and posted a bit about how I was feeling then. In Reality Today is the Date, the day when I wasted two paychecks that I had not even earned yet. The night I spent in a restless panic attack. The night I gave serious thought of how to end my life.
   "Amazing Grace! How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me"
I called off work the next morning, the 22th of Feburary 2010, sick, hungover, terrified. I googled Gambling Help and found GT and Harry on the helpline. Thank God! Thank God!
 "I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I SEE"
Progress not perfection, a work in progress, ODAAT, insanity-doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome, as broken as I am God still has a plan and purpose for me-and he Loves me.
Just a few things I learned that day.
My life is far from perfect. My health has declined and I have yet to find that financial relief but is my life better today? I would have to say yes.
Velvet I couldn’t agree with you more. "Sometimes I thank God, for unanswered prayers".
bettie

[trulyshi]

And I thank God for allowing me to find this site and in so doing, find you. 

[lizbeth4]

Bettie thanks for your post.  I believe everything happens for a reason, even the bad things.  I met you the first time I was on this site, you made it easier for me to come back.  I also believe that God does have a purpose for us all. I hope you get some relief (surgery) from your health problems.  Take care!Seize all the good things in life

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
 
 … I googled Gambling Help and found GT …

Good morning Bettie,
I should perhaps add another G to my 3Gs, not as part of my Higher Power, but because I too used Google and found GT; Google was a tool I used in searching for help, and continues to be a tool in my efforts to keep aware and to find additional help, inspiration, and encouragement.  I too was blind before I "crossed over to recovery", but my God gave me the insight and courage to search Google, find and join GT, and as a result I also learned about GA — Gee what else can I say, but thank God for answered prayers not even prayed (at least by me), just a suppressed prayer coming from something within, and from others that saw where I was heading no matter how hard I tried to hide.
Hope that you are surviving the winter storm that hit Chicago last night, it passed through here yesterday after burying us in snow and ice and closing my work; it was a good day to stay home, but I have to go into work today, I can’t call in because of last weeks Mardi Gras hangover(s), I have to make up for the cost of my trip.
God’s speed. Stay strong.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
How fortunate we are to have the internet as a tool for our recovery! I have been able to find so many things to help me that I may never have known about.
I am on my first day off leading up to my surgery. I made a couple fruitless calls today as no one is in to answer calls until Monday. I hope it is all setteled by then. I took care of my blood work today and called my friend for a haircut and she was glad to do it. ( I did a bit of chopping myself-not a good thing~lol! ) I also had to do my ex asst managers hair, color and cut, and my neck and shoulder is in agony.
Funny that on the way to my gf’s house I had a surge of a gambling urge ( no one will know, no one would know, ). I knew I had a comitment which helped and the fact that I had no cash on hand helped too. In retrospect I know that came from the stress about the surgery, nothing being finalized, and thinking if I am doing the right thing as my left arm isn’t too bad right now. I am getting chicken I guess and I am stressing about it. My friend asked why are you doing this, my daughter telling me I don’t want you to have surgery. I guess they are freaking me out a bit too. I just keep telling everyone it will be fine, so it will be.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just very frustrated. My flakey cousin is flaking out about the weather and doesn’t want to come over to take me for my surgery tomorrow. I just texted Jen and asked her to take off tomorrow. Surgery center called-said I should have been off some of me meds-for the last 5 days! No communication from this stupid Dr’s office!
I don’t need more stress.
bettie

[icandothis]

Bettie,  I will be thinking about you tomorrow.  Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

[bettie]

Tx Ican,
I called my GF and she said no problem-but she can’t spend the night. I will enlist Jen to stay.
Prayers seemed to work fast.
We really are getting a lot of snow. Hope roads do get cleared tonight.
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I am thinking of you. Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[ell]

Hello Bettie , I know  we don’t know its other but I want to wish you all the best to your surgery tomorrow . You are in my prayers Bettie and  you will see tomorrow the roads will be ok  With all my best wishes ell

[p]

Hi Bettie. I just want to wish you well in your surgery. I hope its going to free you up of that pain and give you a better future. Wishing you a very speedy and comfy recovery from surgery and see you back here soon to work on our gambling recovery.
P

[vera]

I will be thinking of you tomorrow B! ‘Hope and pray all goes well! You will be a new woman in a few days!

[bettie]

Thanks everyone.
Getting ready to go, no coffee! Not a nice way to start.
We didn’t freeze so the roads should be good. More snow later today.
bettie

[غير معروف]

Hi Betty: My prayers are with you today. Don’t worry about the coffee, the drugs will take care of that soon 🙂 Love, RG

[paul315]

Originally posted by runninggirl

… My prayers are with you today …
Good morning Bettie,
Doubtful that you will read this today after the drugs kick in (Starbucks with an extra jolt), but my prayers are with you also.
God’s speed and comfort.
p.s. Also happy that this leg of our winter storms did not hit there as hard as predicted; it missed us too, so I am heading out for breakfast where I will have a "cuppa" for you.
Larry
Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.– 2/27/2013 2:02:29 PM: post edited by paul315.

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! I’ve been counting down the days till your surgery today, and hope that everything goes better than even expected. Sorry that you had all the hassles of finding someone to drive you to your surgery, and to help you after. Like you, I start my day with coffee and find it disruptive when I can’t follow my "routine." I’ll be thinking about you today and hope to hear from you soon as to how you’re doing. Carole

[bettie]

 
hi guys,
one handed typing~lol!
my gf got me lunch and it was good. jen will stop after work.
this hurts but i am glad the operation is done.
thanks
bettie
 
 

[velvet]

w/b Bettie  – glad all is well
V

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie,  I am glad everything went well.  Take care and rest.Seize all the good things in life

[cat438]

Dear (((Bettie))) so happy that your surgery is over.  I hope that you don’t have to much pain, but sometimes we can deal with that easier than the fear and dread of the surgery.  It’s always such a relief once the surgery is over, and it’s onwards and updwards. You are such a fighter that you will be back to good as new realy soon.  I am happy that your friend and daughter are there to help you.  Speedy recovery dear B!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[bettie]

hi guys,
sleep? whats that? i am too weak to open my recliners on my own, getting up is really awful.
insurance company called-wanted to know if i am right or left handed. guess they figure i can come back sooner since my surgery was left and i am a righty.
bettie

[vera]

Even thinking about the pain makes me cringe B! I’m a total coward when it comes to pain and I realise I’m spoiled rotten. My husband waits on me hand and foot. Not willingly, but he does everything I need him to do!
I hope you ask for the help you need and don’t attempt to go back to work until you are fully recovered.

[p]

Hi Bettie
Hows it going now with the pain. I hope those meds are kicking in and you cant feel much. Good you can still come here though and get your daily recovery fix. Was so glad to see you in chat the other day.
P

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Slept better last night, until the neighbors from hell started making noise at 2am. of course jen was here and she said something less than polite 3 times then i finally called the cops. As usual they were off the balcony by the time the cops came. they called my phone, asking me to buzz them in because they could hear them even with their balcony closed. I told them i couldn’t, as i was in the next building. I don’t think they tried to buzz their door as they were back at it at 4am.
Too bad that happened as i was able to sleep in my own bed last night.
off to pt today.
ouch
bettie

[cat438]

Bettie, I am glad that you slept better last night, but those neighbours must be such a pain the petunia for you.  It would drive me crazy if I kept getting woken up because of noisy neighbours. I don’t know how they can get away with it all the time… grrrr  Now, you have to be patient and take recovery from surgery one day at a time, and every day you will get a bit better and stronger.  Take care!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! I’m glad to hear that you did have your surgery, and that you are now on the mend. I thought the condo association was going to deal with those nasty neighbours. The insurance company calling you to see what arm it is, is ridiculous, in my opinion. Hope you fully recover soon. Carole 

[neva]

Hope you have a speedy complete recovery! Glad you’re surgery is over and you got through it. 

[bettie]

hi guys,
i am so tired. i can’t wait until tomorrow-i can shower then. i have to call my gf today and see if she will be staying tonight. my sister is in my guest room sound asleep. nice to have her here. i rarely see her these days. funny to think about it because we shared a bed for 10 years. when i was a baby she would steal me from my crib, she was 5, and stick me in her baby buggy and push me down the street. the poor buggy, meant for a doll, would drag the ground and the neighbors would call my mom and tell her "she’s got that baby again!" 
pt went well yesterday. it hurt but was nice to get out of the sling.
i told my gf that took me to surgery about my cg. it must have been the drugs. she is the one who’s niece commited sucide. she said something about going to grief consueling. i told her i would love to go with her. she was glad that i told her that, as i believe she is having trouble walking through the door-much like goimg to your first ga meeting.
bettie

[p]

Hi Bettie
That is so cute the way your sister doted on you like a little doll. Nice that she is there with you now. At least you know when you need her she is there.
I am glad you are improving and it will be a relief to have a shower i am sure. I am looking forward to seeing you in chat again Bettie
P

[cat438]

Hi Bettie, awww that is such a wonderful story about your sister.  I am glad that you have the support there to help you.  I am sure that you will enjoy your shower today!!  Take it slowly and be patient with yourself. One day at a time my sweet lord…

[trulyshi]

My sister is 14 years older than me and I can remember (I must have been 3 or 4) sitting on her lap on the front porch wrapped in a blanket while she sang A Thousand Stars in the Sky to me.  We have not spoken in over 7 years and really did not speak much before that either.  Glad you mentioned about your sister, that is actually one of very few good memories I have of my childhood.  You are a sweetie for offering to go to grief counselling with your friend.  I will give you a call later to see how you are feeling, take it easy today.  Debbie

[vera]

Wishing you a speedy recovery, B!
ODAAT!

[bettie]

hi guys,
thanks for the well wishes. i am feeling pretty good. i am on my own now. last two nights were ok-i sleep about 3-4 hours then change from the bed to the recliner. still taking pain killers but once i can taper off to the non narcotic kind i should be able to drive. yes i am pushing it, lol, but thats me.
talk about putting the horse before the cart! lol!
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Did the 8 to 10 inches of snow hit your city?? I woke up to a winter wonderland of hoar frost on the trees, and was a bit surprised by it, as I expected it would be smooth sailing into spring due to the warmer days we have been having lately. It was a nice idea about what we talked about yesterday, but obviously not the right timing. Hope your pain diminishes by the day, and that you’re good as new soon. Carole

[bettie]

Hi guys,
Yes snow indeed. Still snowing, 1,100 flights delayed or canceled-we had 600 canceled last week.
Had pt today-my arm is throbbing with pain. I have napped most of the afternoon. The pt guy said inside of my arm is brused-and to be expected.
My stomach is all brused from the blood thinner injections i have to give myself.
Neighbors had a party-and a visit from the cops at 2:30 am then again at 5 am! I was sleeping in my frontroom with ear plugs and was still woke up. I called the assocation today, irate, and found out their landlord has told them he won’t renew their lease so they said they would move out by the end of the month! God is good!
I am concerned that it will be a nightly party from now on but at least I don’t have to get up and work on 4 hours sleep.
bettie

[bettie]

hi guys,
good news-i got the loan. bad news-i have to figure out how to pay it back. God is good.
bettie

[kathryn]

Unbelieveable, snowing for you, hot and humid for me, we are in our 3rd week of heat, only 1 day under 30c in that time and apparently next week is much of the same…….i am sick to death of sweat my friend, it gets in unmentionable place to make life soooooooo uncomfortable…..(i call it the chang!!!!) ewwwwwwwww!!!!!
Hope you are recovering well, ill keep you in my thoughts,
Love K xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[neva]

It snowed here on Wednesday but is sunny and beautiful today. We’ve had odd weather this year. Congratulations on getting the loan Betty!  Kathryn, hormones make a world of difference!

[bettie]

hi guys,
gotta laugh about the weather. saw something on fb how someone was sick of winter and ready to complain about summer heat! I love fall myself. spring is stormy and summer can be too hot.
was at my brothers for my nieces birthday. my great nieces were there, 9 months and almost 3. what a bundle of enegry!
arm is worn out today. i decited to try to do with less pain meds-mistake. was out with jen at the store and was crabby after about 20 minutes. i wish they didn’t make me so sleepy.
snow is almost gone and we are expecting a lot of rain so it will all be gone in the next couple days.
time for a pill and bed soon.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Sorry to hear that you’re bruised up and in pain. That physio sounds brutal, as do the inconsiderate, noisy neighbours. Thinking of you! Carole

[p]

Hi Bettie
Sounds like the nieces were fun. Hope you recover quickly Bettie. Might see you in chat again one day soon
P

[bettie]

hi guys,
Thanks Carole and P. I woke with pain today so i am up early. i will be napping soon, lol! overall much better- i can get around without too much trouble. still have trouble dressing but all in all not as bad as i would have thought.
No pt today but i have it tomorrow and dr appointment. i should get stiches out and hope to get info. seems dr office has not responded to my insurance and they only approved my leave-untill the 8th! i got that letter-on the 8th! oh well, paperwork and red tape. it is what it is.
my gf will come and take me to lunch today.
brother stopped by last night and brought me some soft drinks as suprise. i have such a good brother.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi guys,
Was up at 4 am unable to sleep. Looking at facebook i noticed a post from a friend of a friend. I’m not sure if i had posted about this gal before but I went to grade school and was best friends with her through highschool. When we reconnected I found out she had stage 4 breast cancer. Her friend posted that she was in the hospital as her cancer has now spread. It kind of shakes me up. We are 2 days apart in age, and will both turn 50 next week. I tried to call her but juust left a message. Sad
Off to PT and dr today. One of my sutures is infected. These stiches should have come out days ago.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Sorry to hear that your suture is infected. Also that someone young that you know, has metastasized cancer. So many people in sad circumstances. The doctor wanted me to go to PT and I said no that I didn’t need to go, and would leave it for someone who really needed it. Were you able to get your medical leave date straightened out? Thinking of you! Carole

[kathryn]

Hi B,
I guess it doesnt matter what kind of recovery we are working on there can be glitches,
Hope your arm is feeling better soon, i cant remember the last time we chatted, i miss the laughs!
Anyway, thinking of you this morning, a lovely 25c today, praise be, the heat seems to be gone!!!!!
Im going to sit with my mammy this morning, step dad is at the market and she just cant be on her own for that long.  We might even go for a coffee!!!
Love you girl,
K xxxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi guys,
tx Carole and Kathryn.
my gf’s cancer has spread to her bones and they gave her radiatation treatment to her brain. I am not hopeful for a good outcome but i pray her pain is managed. she is an only child and both parents are long gone. she has a husband and a son. i am sorry for them both.
the insurance is still mucking around-they claim to have faxed the dr another form because the one they sent me to give to him , well, they want more info. dr told them i could return to work with restrictions in 8-12 weeks, unrestricted in 6 months. i guess he knows how to play their games too.
the restruant that my friend took me to had video poker and slot games. they were just across the way from us. my friends sister, who doesn’t know that i am a cg said we should try them out before we left. i changed the subject. just another thing to be aware of. those slots are popping up all over.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Sounds like the doctor is probably sick of those HMOs and does know how to beat them at their own game. I have heard that bone cancer is one of the most painful cancers. Hopefully she will not linger and suffer, as she does sound terminally ill. I was going to phone you at 9:00 pm, but then I remembered that you were up at 4:00 am, and didn’t want to wake you if you were sleeping. I had your favorite of my granddaughters here today as her mother had a dental appointment. I made her up a doctor’s kit with stuff from a first aid kit we had extra. She spent the afternoon wrapping and taping Ruffuss’s "broken legs." And he was a trooper and just laid there like he really did have broken legs. She put a cervical collar on Zac my smallest dog and it’s the same dog that bit her a couple of weeks ago, and she has the scar to show for it on her forehead. She had it on him before he knew what hit him. Her and her sister are coming over for a "leapover" tomorrow. Keeps me away from gambling anyways, and that’s why I have them here several times a week. Carole

[neva]

So sorry about your girlfriend’s cancer.  It seems like there is too much death, disease and catastrophes lately!  My prayers to your friend and her family.

[bettie]

hi guys,
thanks for the thoughts and prayers. i talked to my gf tonight and she is in suprising good spirits. she has 15 days of radiation then will have a cat scan and see where she stands. she has been told 1 year or less depending on how this treatment works. she is so brave! to talk to her you would not even know she was sick.
i guess i have nothing to vent about  tonight.
bettie

[neva]

Bettie, it would be tough to know we had a year or less to live.  Maybe your friend will beat the odds.  It does happen!

[vera]

Bettie,
My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007. It was too late to commence chemo or offer surgery because it had already metastasized to the bone. She was in agony. She had to be admitted to the local Hospice where she was put on a morphine pump. We were all prepared for the worst outcome. When the medical staff got the pain under control, my sister asked if they would try oral medication. She was a very stron willed woman. They did, and she was discharged home and attended the hospice every week for art sessions ( it was one of the therapies offered while patients were also monitored medically and treated with alternative remedies as well as conventional medicine).By coincidence, my sister was an Art Therapist, so she looked on her visits as going to work rather than being a patient! My othersister and I went to the UK to support her as much and as often as we could. We took her on at least three trips to Ireland. The pain was kept under control for two years. Sadly she went downhill from Easter 2009 and finally died (RIP) in the hospice in June 2009. Her final 2 years were painfree and fruitful.
With proper and well managed pain relief, she had two good years which she used to prepare herself to "move on". She enjoyed life, settled her affairs ( to some degree) and didn’t suffer as much as she initially expected She wasn’t a religious person, but towards the end she said "it had to be prayer that took away the pain, because there were no guarantees that the drugs wouldn’t fail me". She thanked me for everything and after she died I asked myself " what did I give her?" I was gambling heavily during those two years but managed to shake off my addiction every 5 or 6 weeks and travel to the UK on a pretend holiday to support and monitor her.
I know now  Bettie that what I gave her was HOPE!
That’s the best gift you can offer your friend at this time, Bettie!
HOPE!
 

[bettie]

hi guys,
Yes u gals really are right. we never told my brother he was "terimal". he was told his cancer was "treatable". I am sure that helped him face his days. I told my gf any one of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow- only God knows when our time is up.
Still dealing with the insurence. They didn’t extend my leave time even though the Dr filled out the form I gave him. they want more info. I got a 2 day check last week and i will not get paid this week! if they don’t get the form they claim they sent by wednesday i won’t get paid this week either! I called the Dr office today and they said they didn’t even get that form until saturday! so who’s lying? i called my hr and when they get the dates they will back pay me but when does that happen? and what if they don’t approve? I am frustrated to say the least. when i finally get paid the income taxes will be more than usual because they are based on the total paid out. i guess your bills are suppost to stop when you are not working.
hard PT today. I had to tell them to stop more than once. i came home and slept and my arm is still throbbing.
i think i am ready for another nap!
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Sorry that you are having trouble with the insurance company.  Hang in there.  Hope your arm starts feeling better soon.  Take care!Seize all the good things in life

[trulyshi]

I hope you have the most wonderful, terrific, fantastic birthday ever.  You are such a special lady that I will call later and sing the birthday sone to you and I do not just sing to anyone, lol.  Hope the pain subsides a bit for you and you can enjoy your special day.  Luv ya, Deb

[vera]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
TO BETTIE!
GREAT TO BE YOUNG!!!!
From your "OLD" IRISH FRIEND!
"Vera"

[vera]

Bringing the Birthday Girl to the top where you belong B!

[desdemona]

HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Bettie! Hope you feel special on your special day! Carole

[icandothis]

HAVE A GREAT DAY, BETTIE!

[p]

HEY HAPPY BIRTHDAY BETTIE, cant find a pic of a little bat to put here but i want to. I dont know how we ever got started on that but its always stuck with me. Have a wonderful special day Bettie. Thanks for being here
P

[kathryn]

Happy Birthday my friend,
We have been through good, bad, happy and sad times, i am so blessed to have such a special person in my life and i wish you every happiness on your special day!!
Love always,
K xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well not a real eventful birthday but thats ok. I had pt today and my daughter called and woke me for an early supper. Jen had planned a suprise party for me for the weekend but has decited to put it off until next month. I just get too wiped out after about 2 hours so she will reschedule.
I got many nice wishes and a suprise or two. Someone sent me flowers-you know who you are! Very nice indeed!
I am content on this 50th birthday to just sit back and chill.
Thanks everyone!
bettie

[lizbeth4]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BETTIE!Seize all the good things in life

[cat438]

Young lady have an awesome day you deserve it!!!!
 
 One day at a time my sweet lord…

[bettie]

Thanks again everyone.
I have finally got my leave extended to April 9th.Thats my next Dr appt. I expect to be off a bit longer but that depends on the dr’s evaluatation. I hope to get a paycheck next week and if they did what they said they did then I will.
I rechecked with the physical therapist and they are billing me with the in network rate. What a blessing that is! At this point I would owe them over $1000-instead of about $300.
I need to grocery shop and do laundry. Hopefully my gf won’t stand me up. I love how everyone says "just let me know what I can do", then they find excuses why they can’t. Thats ok because my brother will help but I hate to keep asking him.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
just home from PT. Checked my bank account and big suprise-no paycheck at all! I called HR and sure enough my boss screwed up the 2 days he was suppost to put in for me and HR didn’t pay me the one day they were suppost to put in.
It is what it is, and should be corrected next week.
I talked to my co banker today. He told me that with my reduced goals due to my leave that I am #1 in the regon-and that I am at 250% of my goal! That being said I unless they find some way to reduce my numbers I will get a major and I mean MAJOR payout for my quarterly goal. He caculated it at $13k-yes you read that right! They have a couple of months to disqualify stuff so I will trust God that I get what I worked for!
Wouldn’t that be wonderful? – I could payoff a loan or maybe even my car! Dream BIG  I say!
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, sorry that your pay was screwed up.  I know I have alot of support here and I appreciate it immensely.  I am just having a bad day.  You will get what you worked for.  You deserve it!!  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[vera]

Terrible about the "no pay" B, but it will come….hope they don’t tax you in a lump though.
As for the 13 grand!
OMG! I wish I worked in the bank..
The Irish Government are planning to CUT our night duty/Sunday and premium allowances which are only buttons to begin with!
That physio sounds really painful!

[ready2change]

thanks 4 the post bettie still no sign of spring here they say its the coldest march in 50 years here and it feels like it 2 haha. nice we bonus coming your way you obviously worked hard for it great stuff. I read on your first page there you mentioned Indiana i stayed in fort wayne indiana when i was 8 years old for 3 weeks we went to nigara falls and a place called cedar point great holiday apart from the driving to places for hour and hours and hours haha. take care

[neva]

At least your good news is a thousand times better than the bad news.  Hope the ‘no pay’ doesn’t leave you without food or necessities.  HR should bring you a care package and apologize for their mistake. 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the posts.
I am awating my payday Friday-I pray they got it all figured out. I am frustrated by the last letter I got from leave adminstration. They word it to "assume" I will be back at work on the 10th. I have a dr appt the 9th. They didn’t include any forms for the Dr. Even if he did release me there would still be a form involved. I called and left a message asking for one. They didn’t return my call. I think I will call the dr today and see if I can push up my appointment because if the paperwork is not in by the 10th there will be another interuption in my pay. I hate game playing but I guess thats what required these days.
I went to a grief support group with my gf last night. Her niece comitted sucide last November. Most of the people there had children that commited sucide. Talk about sad stories! Anyone thinking about sucide would do well to think about the aftermath. So many broken hearts. So much finger pointing and guilt for the familys.I talked about loosing my brother and cried. 11 years come July. Life goes on but it is never the same.
Off to therapy today. I have a lot of movement in my arm now. Less pain and I am driving now. Of course pt is still painful but no pain no gain.
bettie

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie… I am frustrated by the last letter I got from leave adminstration …
Good morning Bettie,
What ever frustrations you face remember to do your best to not answer yes to the GA Question 18 again, i.e. "Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?".  And some general office advice that I keep handy at work for use in everyday dealings with the games that others had to play; "Don’t Let The Bastards Get You Down". (the b word will most likely be edited, but it is what was once considered a child out of wedlock, and more appropriately a name given to those that act as if they did not have any proper upbringing no matter what the circumstance were.)
God’s speed. Stay strong.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[vera]

I know how it feels to be put under pressure with letters from admin, B!
When we have sick leave we are inundated with letters and called to meetings to "give account of our absence!"
In the name of "Health Promotion" these letters and meetings we are expected to attend only serve further stress in our lives. It’s bad enough being unwell without being tortured mentally!
I’m using passive resistance for now, but when it comes to the crunch I can show my claws!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Boy isn’t that the truth Vera! Larry you are wise to point out the frustration. Frankly I have passed the 6 month mark, plus a few more days, and I do find my mind wandering into "unsafe waters".
I had a very good dr appointment today. My numbers, for the most part, were very good. His biggest concern is my smoking. Of course he wants me to stop and I pointed out that I could not afford to gain weight again and loose control of my blood sugar. His suggestion? Consuelling. I have been on antidepressants for 3 years now and need help to sleep at night. He said I am not addressing the root causes of my compulsive behaviours and you know what? He’s right! I was rereading my thread yesterday and noticed while some things have changed other areas remain unchanged. I was told by a friend yesterday that I am my own worse enemy. Funny while reading my thread just how many time that has pointed out to me. I am mean to myself. Alot more than I own up to. I put up a good front for sure but way deep inside I really really don’t like myself at all, and I haven’t figured out to fix that. I think until I do I am always at risk for a relaspe.
bettie

[bettie]

Just went outside and a rental truck pulled up. My Neighbors from Hell are moving today! I am so tempted to go talk to one of the couples parents-and ask them if the knew the real reason they had to move! Oh well, I won’t but I sure want to!
Got my stock statement from my old employer. I have a balance of -0-. How sad that is! It used to be over $80k-all lost to gambling and gambling debt.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Had to laugh. I checked my pay today and guess what? I am still short 2 days-the ones my boss was suppost to put in!
I called him and of course he didn’t know how to fix it so he didn’t! I told him to call HR-he insists that he did put in the right dates. We will see.
Off to pt soon.
bettie

[bettie]

Just saw a new story about a 76 year old woman shot to death at 3am in the parking lot of "my" casino.
How many times did I stumble out of there at 3am?
There but for the Grace of God………
bettie

[neva]

Lots of things ran through my mind as I read about the 76 year old woman being shot in the casino parking lot.  If it was robbery, anyone should know that a gambler usually doesn’t leave until their last dollar is gone.  Hope they get the shooter and the older lady rests in peace.

[bettie]

All I need to know

I learned from the Easter Bunny!

 Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

 Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There’s no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep your paws off of other people’s jelly beans.

Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.

The grass is always greener in someone else’s basket.
To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
May the joy of the season fill your heart.
AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU! 
Happy Easter!

 

 

 

[p]

You are lovely Bettie. Thanks for posting that
P

[bettie]

 
 
MARCH 31 Reflection for the Day
My illness is unlike most other illnesses in that denial that I am sick is a primary symptom of my sickness. Like many other incurable illnesses, however, my illness is characterized by relapses. In the Gamblers Anonymous Program, we call such relapses “slips.” The one thing I know for certain is that I alone can cause myself to slip.

Will I remember at all times that the thought precedes the action? Will I try to avoid “stinking thinking”?

Today I Pray
May God give me the power to resist temptations. May the responsibility for giving in, for having a “slip,” be on my shoulders and mine only. May I see beforehand if I am setting myself up for a slip by blame-shifting, shirking my responsibility to myself, becoming the world’s poor puppet once again. My return to those old attitudes can be as much of a slip as the act of placing a bet.

Today I Will Remember
Nobody’s slip-proof.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… Reflection for the Day …

Good afternoon Bettie,
Thanks for the thoughts about the Easter Bunny, and here is another but a little different one:
"Easter is like Halloween. Both of them are accompanied with candy and strange creatures. The only difference is that our parents train us to think an enormous rabbit with gigantic teeth and lays eggs is somehow cute instead of dangerous".
A bigger thanks for posting the "Reflection of the Day" and bringing up thoughts of Ken L; hope your, he, and all here have a Happy Easter, one that also gives us all the wisdom that you learned from a "scary" rabbit.  Keep avoiding the "stinken thinken" — and the stinken rotten eggs.
God’s speed. Stay strong.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[cat438]

Bettie, Bettie, Bettie, thank you so much for your post about the Easter Bunny, it made me feel happy.  Also your Reflection Post for Today was just what I needed today.  I have been thinking about gambling too much lately.  I know that it is up to me to get ride of the "stinking thinking".  I will work on it!!!  I hope that you are feeling better health wise and that you get your finances all sorted out.  Take care dear Bettie!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[vera]

Bettie!
I loved the Colourful lessons the Easter Bunny taught you! Especially "Don’t put all you eggs in one basket!"
Also loved the Reflection which reminds me that "the thought always precedes the action"
I must get back to nipping all gambling thoughts in the bud!
Hope you have a good Easter weekend B!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes I did have a nice Easter and I hope you did too.
I cooked-first time in years. Nothing too fancy, I was able to prep everything on saturday so yesterday was not too hard. My brother brought a dish and took the ham from the oven for me. He also did the majority of the clean up-a big help as at that point I was wiped out. Later I went with Jen to her bf’s familys home. No more eating for me except for some type of rasberry lemon pie. OMG, so good!
I think my mom is really loosing it. She keeps talking about having her rotary cuff surgery, saying she had it then my ( deceased ) dad had it then my ( deceased ) Aunt. The problem is my mom had her surgery AFTER my dad died. I remember my brother helping to bathe her before I was able to go help her. She was living alone and was still down state. She has always been the authorty on all things imagined but this is scary. She created some story about all 3 of them being in arm slings and my dad asking for assistance getting his shots-he was a severe uncontroled Diabetic. Is it all just "her being her" or is it something more? I’ve asked my sister about this before and she kind of blew it off. She lives with my mom and I don’t see her often so maybe it’s a bit more startling to me.
I find myself having gambling thoughts more often now with my brain telling me "no one will know". Problem is I would know.
bettie

[reds]

Dear Bettie –
When my Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers my Mom did a questionaire at the neurologists office – she answered yes to so many questions it felt like the writer of the form had been living with her.
Does your Mom seem to be living in the past – talking about up events that happened more than 10 years ago ?  Does she bring up the same topic repeatedly ? 
I hope your Mom does not have dementia – but there are medications that can help if she is seen soon enough by qualified medical Dr.  Does your Mom drive and how are her driving skills ?
Not living with your Mom doesn’t mean that your assessment is not accurate – my Mom who lives with Dad was the first to see things and report them, but everyone else didn’t see it, or maybe we were not ready to ….
ps. – belated congrats on your huge bonus pay at work – how nice to have your hard work rewarded..
redsJust for today, I will not gamble away my time, freedom or peace of mind.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
No, mom doesn’t drive. I think that is half her problem, always demanding people drop everything to accomadate what ever she wanted to do. She has been a co dependent ( I now know ) all her life, tring to control the uncontrolable, and becomes distraught when she doesn’t get her way. ( she mumbles and talks to herself ).
I will know in about 6 weeks how much the payout will be. Thats the bad thing about being off work-I can’t dispute what ever they try to disqualify but I trust God and know He’s got me covered. I will get what ever it is that I qualifyed for-my coworker came up with that number-so we will see what it is whan the time comes.
Paid my taxes today and I am offically broke. I see the Dr on Tuesday night and expect him to extend my leave until the 22th. I will have another break in pay but all my monthly bills have been paid. I only have my overdraft line of credit to back me up now so lets pray it doesn’t take HR another month to straighten out my pay. I did finally get caught up on pay today.
Off to PT soon.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well it seems as I will be off longer than I thought. Dr wants 6 more weeks! I asked why and he said that the surgery is a serious one and this is the unsafe time as the shoulder doesn’t feel too bad and a reinjury would be a disaster. I tried to call my boss 3 different times-he has caller ID-and he didn’t pick up. I will be in limbo again about pay because my leave was approved only until yesterday so the process starts again. Talked to my cobanker and I am no longer in the top 10-oh well-it is what it is.
bettie

[vera]

Thank God you hadn’t resumed working and caused further injury B! Take all the time you need! I hope you get your pay sorted. Can you call in to talk to your boss face to face and get things sorted?
I don’t understand the Top Ten business but here in GT you sure are in it!!!

[bettie]

Thanks Vera for the vote of confidence.
As for my boss he has no say in my  leave-it’s done through leaved administration. I have emailed them and can’t do much except wait. I did ask my boss what my ranking was – and it seems I have been wiped out of the system! I told him to please contact someone and find out what’s going on. ( i am still entilted to my bonus even if I am on a leave). I will have to call him Monday morning and see if he has done anything to resolve the situtation. I will have to go over his head if he has not.
I had a comment made to me today in a group about how this person thought I would not make it ( recovery). As always, not to insult my host, I tried to lol it off. I’ve had all day to think about  it and you know that really upset me.
It’s like the "old timers" in a group meeting telling someone they are not ready, or the remarks made to a newbee-in my case-"If you know the 20 questions then what are you doing here?"
These types of comments are really demeaning to someone in recovery-Esp for a first timer. If you ever wonder why someone says "meeting aren’t for me"-well these mean spirited comments can make or break someone.
People with 5-10-15 years relaspe too, just in case you think you are someone "it could never happen to".  Sorry for the reality check.
I am going to spend some time at a conference tomorrow. Someone from my group has offered to drive. This time last year I was looking foward to spending time with Carole, Reds and Larry. It won’t be the same without you.
bettie

[neva]

Bettie, I always wonder why people make rude or demeaning comments too. Doesn’t make sense.  Hope you get your pay straight.  It must be a worry not knowing what’s going to happen next. Enjoy your conference.

[bettie]

Just watching the breaking news feed from the Boston Marathon bombing. I am so so upset! What is wrong with people?

[bettie]

I had to take the cat to the vet then had dinner with a gf. Came home and looked online. Pictures of the victims, omg, one guy in a wheel chair, both legs missing, bones exposed.
This feels too much like Sept 11th. I’m not going to look at anymore unsensored photos. I feel shell shocked.
I need to get my mind somewhere else.
bettie

[vera]

B! Don’t watch the pictures . Just pray for the victims and the headcases who carried out such mindless acts!
they must be very sick people!
God help us all!

[lizbeth4]

I had to stop watching the newscasts too!  Soo much pain!!  How could someone be soo evil? Bettie, the first thought I had was of Sept. 11th.  It’s soo sad!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

I found this very comforting. Mr Rogers has been gone for years but I watched his show with my daughter when she was little.
I think this goes for recovery too-"Look for the helpers".
bettie

[vera]

What an image!!
I had just read this quote posted by Sherrie and was going to call your attention to in B to console you. I know you are very upset by the images on TV of the Bombings carried out by those cowards…
Never heard of Fred Rogers but now everyone will know him.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Fred Rodgers was show was known as "Mr Rodgers Neighborhood". It was on public television in the US. Lots of people thought he was very nerdy but I always thought he has a nice message for kids-unlike most of the crap shows on TV today.
Finally got leave adminstration to extend my leave until May 10th. The "witch", for lack of a better word, stalled it just long enough that I won’t get another check for 3 weeks. Looks like I will be paying late next month. Oh well, it is what it is.
Got an invite for the weekennd so I am going! I have been looking foward to it for some time.
Can’t wait to see the colors in her apartment……….
bettie

[p]

Hello Bettie
Just wishing you a good day and hope you are recovering well from that surgery. Glad you are going to catch up with debbie, that will be fun. Love hearing about when you all catch up. Have a good day
P

[vera]

Safe journey on your trip to Debbie’s, Bettie!
(FWB didn’t waste time passing on gossip he knew would upset you B! Just forget what others say about you. It means they are using you to deflect from  their own issues)
Enjoy your time with Debbie! Relax and have fun!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the posts P and Vera!
Well I will try to make it to Deb’s-again! No worries about gambling. The casino that is near by is one I am also banned from.
GOOD NEWS! I will get paid tomorrow! That surely helps!
Still no word on my incentive pay but the last time one of the tellers saw it posted I was at 180%. That seems about right to me. It won’t be $13K , not even close, but it will be welcome. Dr bills rolling in now. I should be back at work in about 2 & 1/2 weeks.
Recovery from surgery is coming right along. Arm is about 70%-will start weight training in about 3 weeks. I still can’t lift or raise my elbow straight out but it will work in time.
bettie

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie:  Im so happy to hear that you are doing well.  Please excuse the lack of apostrophes in my contractions.  My stupid keyboard keeps switching over to French symbols, so I cant do apostrophes.  I cant believe the time has gone by so quickly since your surgery and I am THAT proud of you for keeping positive and not gambling during this time.  You go, girl!!  Lovely that you can go and visit Deb too.  Hope you have a wonderful and relaxing time.  You two really deserve rewards and are an inspiration to me. Thank you for your post on my thread yesterday — it meant a great deal to me.  You are right.  I am not a perfect wife, but I do expect to be treated well and Im finding that is not always the case.  Nevertheless, I am seriously considering individual counselling for myself to clear my head and get myself out of the months-long funk Ive been in.  Its funny that you recommended those books today.  Last night, I googled the phrase:  finally putting myself first — and those books were among the ones recommended.  Weird.  Anyway, have a wonderful weekend.  We are in the process of gutting our kitchen, which is a very noisy business.  It is after 10 pm and my husband is still drilling and bashing away.  Im going to have to tell him to put a lid on it for tonight.  Talk soon.  RG
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well time does fly when you are having fun! Deb treated me like a queen. And yes, her apartment is very cozy, cute and comfortable. Her grand baby is the sweetest thing. I listened in while she rocked and sang her to sleep. I couldn’t help but think that Jen’s baby would have been about the same age. Maybe some day, when the time is right, I’ll get my chance to spoil a little grand of my own.
bettie

[p]

Welcome back Bettie
Glad you had a wonderful time with Debbie. Makes me happy to read that the Two of you spent some time together. This place bonds a lot of us and though most of us are in cyberspace the bond is there nonetheless.
P

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
.. Well time does fly when you are having fun! …

Good morning Bettie,
Happy that you and Deb had a good visit, even if the time flew by; however, waking up knowing that the fun was real is far better that waking up and regretting the so called fun of gambling. 
In a way we all started out wishing we were dead, even some of us thinking about helping that wish come true, yet we also woke up and accepted that we need help form others like you have found in the ones that you have been able to meet in person. Our community is a caring one, and one that allows up to have fun and enjoy life in a more normal way.
In reading your post to Vera you reminded me of how far each of us has progressed, and also of the "if only" thoughts that can haunt us. "If only it was so, these are the loneliest words I know" *, but they are also the words that will cause us to let go once we realize that life is about what we do more than about what we failed to do.
God’s speed.
* From Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Whistle Down the Wind; hear here on an unusual overlay to scenes from Phantom of the Opera     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq5Y_t34M6g
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[cat438]

Hi Bettie, so glad that you were able to get a visit with Debbie.  I truly believe it is important for us to have something to look forward to.  I am going on a trip in two weeks to see my grandsons and I know that it really makes a difference to me.  I cant wait to see them.  It sounds as if you are getting better health wise as well.  Thanks for your posts and support when I needed them.  Take care Bettie!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[trulyshi]

Arghhhhhhh, I miss you so much.  Wish you lived closer. 

[vera]

B!
Your post on Juju’s thread prevented me from gambling today.
‘Just want you to know that posting helps more people than you realise!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Always good to see some posts.
Larry I saw Phantom back in 1992 in Chicago. What a show!
P I am glad to see you posting-always a good sign!
Rg just tickeled that you are back.
Deb if we lived closer you would tire of me!
Cat look foward to seeing you again my friend.
Vera, so glad to see you taking positive steps and taking care of YOU!
I think it’s going to take months and months to sort through all the Doctor bills. I need to protest some of the bills as the insurance should have paid some of them as in network. Really need to be an insurance expert to know whats right and wrong. My physical therapy has been cut to 2x a week-due to insurance issues.
I am not looking foward to going back to work but I am physicaly ready. I have good movement and little pain. I am sure that will change as I get back into the swing of working 40 hours. My assistant manager has been fired so it will be intersting.
I have done nothing about finding a therapist ( mental health ). I know I need it, just afraid to do it. I cry at 12 step meetings. They might have to carry me out of an individual session!
I think i need to start changing my thoughts from physical recovery to gambling recovery. There have been more than a few times that I might have gambeled when I was off work-if I had the money. Thats a scary thought!
bettie

[vera]

B, I think you did great to stay away from gambling throughout your sickness and your recovery. It would have been so easy to go and chill out in the hope of winning enough to pay all your bills. Sickness and medical bills would scare me too, but as we all know gambling will not solve anything. I feel a great relief that I resisted the temptation to go today. Imagine coming back on my new thread and saying I gambled! Now that would be mockery of the worst description!

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

Hi Guys,
Always good to see some posts.
Larry I saw Phantom back in 1992 in Chicago. What a show!
P I am glad to see you posting-always a good sign!
Rg just tickled that you are back.
Deb if we lived closer you would tire of me!
Cat look forward to seeing you again my friend.
Vera, so glad to see you taking positive steps and taking care of YOU!
I think it’s going to take months and months to sort through all the Doctor bills. I need to protest some of the bills as the insurance should have paid some of them as in network. Really need to be an insurance expert to know whats right and wrong. My physical therapy has been cut to 2x a week-due to insurance issues.
I am not looking forward to going back to work but I am physically ready. I have good movement and little pain. I am sure that will change as I get back into the swing of working 40 hours. My assistant manager has been fired so it will be interesting.
I have done nothing about finding a therapist ( mental health ). I know I need it, just afraid to do it. I cry at 12 step meetings. They might have to carry me out of an individual session!
I think i need to start changing my thoughts from physical recovery to gambling recovery. There have been more than a few times that I might have gambled when I was off work-if I had the money.
 … That’s a scary thought!
bettie

Good morning Bettie,
Unfortunately insurance and cost are more of a determining factor to our needs than they should, or need, to be. Once the profit loss flag pops up we are dismissed. Nevertheless, keep doing what you can on your own, use the same techniques that your use in therapy at home; no coach to push you but the work is still needed.
As for your scary thoughts, they are far better than regretting wrongful actions.
God’s speed. Stay strong.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Hi guys,
Posting on my phone so no telling what word it will change!
Good news to report. I contacted the insurance about the bill from the knock out Dr. They will fix that one as she should have paid so I only owe the in network price. That should save me hundreds off dollars.I might go to the beach even if I have to go alone. Last good sunny day before rain.
Yes Larry it is good not to have gambling regrets. The last aventure into the casino resulted in me seeing a member of my group. He has yet to make it back and I am sorry now my shame kept me from saying something to him. All I can do is pray for those still suffering
bettie
PS I have duplicated most of the things I do in therapy and they tell me I am now way ahead of most others at this stage. I will not get a second chance to fix this shoulder and I an determined to have my arm back 100% 🙂
— 5/8/2013 3:51:08 AM: post edited by bettie.

[finding_laura]

Hey B,
connecting has been hit and miss for us as of late. Glad you got to sleep in on Sunday. I’ve been having some gambling urges brought on by stressful paperwork and bills piling up. So glad that i’d be afraid to show my face in a gambling establishment but it’s been tempting! Even had fleeting thoughts of driving hours away so as not to be found out. But today is another day and I need to get my head back on straight. I’m so tired already and I haven’t even been to work yet. Stay strong B and enjoy a day at the beach!! Better than a gamble. Glad the healing is going well. xo Laura

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! What do you mean that Chicago would have paled in comparison to my trip to Arizona?? I had an awesome time with you at the convention last year. Navy Pier was awesome, especially the stained glass exhibition. My dogs were very happy to see me, and I got kisses from each one of them. It’s nice to go away but nice to come home and sleep in my own bed. Glad that you and Debbie were able to visit and have a great time. Carole   

[غير معروف]

Hi B:  Good on you for your tenacity with your therapy and for getting so far ahead.  I’m sure it’s that kind of drive that got you to your goals at 29 … and it’s that drive that will keep getting you what you want.  You’re very strong and you’ve inspired me with the story of your recovery after surgery.  After you and Cat posted the other day, and after reading about Vera’s 3 mile hike, I went right out with my dog and walked to the lake.  It was a gorgeous day and I was so happy that I had made the effort.  My dog made tons of new doggie friends and I came feeling great.  Too bad that feeling hasn’t lasted and I’ve had to fend off nasty urges today. Sigh!!   Turning to eating to soothe myself since gambling is no longer available … dangerous.  So many things to try and control at once.  I also have to schedule some personal counselling.  REALLY need it at the moment. 
Keep being as strong as you are … and as you know, scary thoughts are only thoughts.
RG

[bettie]

 
 
 
 Hi Guys, thought it was time to repeate this-a classic if I must say!
ENOUGH!

A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always
fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh,what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive,how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power
and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love…. and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms… just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely…

You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK…. and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want…and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch… and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve… and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time… FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get
what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful
and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God (whatever you believe him/her to be) by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

— AUTHOR UNKNOWN
(But dearly appreciated)
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well back to work Monday for me. I went to a REAL shoe store-not manny left for sure-and got fitted for 2 pair of comfortable dress shoes for work. Nothing fashionable but I shouldn’t have sore feet for the money I spent ($200!). I rarely buy expensive shoes and wind up buying 5-6 pairs that hurt and i wind up giving them away. I should come out better this way.
My co banker called to make sure I was coming back to work next week as he is taking vacation time. I hate that I am going back into a train wreck. The assistant has been terminated so that leaves me and the boss. Payback for being off I guess.
The cat tried to escape yesterday and I ran after him-hurting my knee. It’s swolen and achey but thats life. Don’t think I will be able to workout today.
I also had to buy a new air conditioner. Mine was old and past the point of repair. You know when it rains it pours. It will take a very long time to pay off my credit card but I guess thats what it’s for.
Well need to get stuff done-last Friday off for a long time.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! When that position is posted for assistant manager, you should apply for it. Your train wreck situation in your workplace is not payback for being off. Go in and do what you can do in 8 hours, and then leave work and don’t think about it. That’s what one of my bosses once told me when the work was overwhelming. Good advice for me for sure. Another boss told me to pick my battles, which was also good advice for me. None of us can stand up for every injustice in the world is what he meant. I was out weeding for about an hour today after finishing cleaning the renters’ house. I’m all stuffed up now, and have had allergies for the past few months, which is unusual for me. I figure that if I weed flower beds every day for an hour, I may be able to stay on top of that this summer. You’re fortunate that you live in an apartment/condo and that the yardwork is done by someone else. Hope to chat with you soon. Carole 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes allergy season is bad. Went out to the car and it was covered in pollen.
Went to my meeting and the guy I mentioned was there! Guess I congered him up! When he had his "sharing" with the group he talked alot of bible stuff and lost me. Hey what ever it takes you know?
Did some thrifting and got some goodies to sell and 3 dresses for myself. It is unusual to find nice dresses in plus sizes so it was a good find. Guess I am set for back to work. Hope the knee is better tomorrow.
All good advice Carole. I would only consider the position if I could have a trial period. I don’t want to loose my job if it doesn’t work out. My boss is really irritating. He just leaves the branch with no word then doesn’t come back! Also I would be on salary, I would not work 45-50 hours while he skates out with about 30-35 each week.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Nice that you found three nice dresses for yourself. How is that Ebay business going??? Comfortable supportive shoes are key to overall health I say. The trial period idea sounds like a great idea; I didn’t know that a person could do that. I still have that image of your boss with his feet up on the desk reading the paper. In my mind his shoes were brown. Maybe he is a cg and that’s why he leaves for long periods of time. Maybe he is embezzling money and then there will be a manager position come up???? You should apply for that too, if it comes up. Sorry you injured your knee chasing after your cat. I’m off to clean the renters house, as I am taking my granddaughters to the fair that has come to town, and the two little ones are having a sleepover here. Carole

[vera]

Best of luck on your first day back to work tomorrow , B!
Odaat! One hour at a time!
Take it easy!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Didn’t sleep well-no big suprise there.
Off to work in 45 minutes.
New  dress, new shoes. Glad to have a job to go to.
bettie

[vera]

Aren’t they lucky to have you, B!!

[kathryn]

Hiya B,
Hope you had a good day!!!!  Sorry I haven’t been around much, no computer, im being cheeky and using the work one as trying to post on my iphone is irritating as heck,.  You can only type so much then you cant see what your typing!!!
Anyways, love you as always,
K xxxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well what can I say.
Payback big time! Boss gave the teller manager the week off, my partner is off thursday-till the next thursday. I am the 3rd key holder so he has me closing every night and working open to close-by myself-on Thursday- my usual off day.
He said everyone is burnt out and needed the time off.
I asked him not to kill me my first week back. Guess that fell on deaf ears.
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, It’s hard enough to go back to work after being off, but that is a nightmare.  Hang in there, it will get better.  Take care. Seize all the good things in life

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! I wanted to see how your first day back went, and I can see that it was not so good. Sorry to hear that!! All I can say to encourage you is one day at a time, and try your best to take care of yourself. How is your knee?? Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the encourging words! My knee is still a little swolen but not hurting so thats good. My neck on the other hand is very sore, my arm is not happy either. 
I am off tomorrow and I am glad! Seems while I was off one of the tellers was let go-and the boss rehired his "friend". She had gone to another locatation and she quit. Seems they expected her to work. Long story short the "stuff" is about to hit the fan, as the tellers are fed up. One has an appointment with the regional manager and has PHOTO EVIDENCE of the inapproate relationship between the boss and his "friend"! ( Walking hand in hand at Walmart is NOT COOL!) There is also info text messages about the same "Friend" – from his Wife! Yikes! There may be no staff when I get back on Thursday!
My selling is on and off Carole. Just found that a have a few pieces of rare dishware from the 1940’s-and mine is even more rare as it has a red stripe. I just sold a spoon holder that I paid .99 for-$24.99. Not a bad return I must say. Still not sure about my payout but looks like about 3 grand-not $13 but hey-Thats great!! Even short handed I have not opened 1 account since got back.
bettie
ps my second pair of new shoes hurt my toes! Gonna go to the shoe store tomorrow!
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Busy off day-still more I could do but I am wiped out.
I have a friend from grade school who has Breast Cancer. We have talked on the phone as she lives in another state. I had sent her a message on FB, kind of a goodby as I know she was being treated for brain cancer. Her friend messaged me back, saying thanks and she would relay the message. She also said my friend talks about me all the time-and oh the stories she could tell! I just got another message today-they are just keeping her comfortable. I am suprised to find that she is thinking about me after all this time and I am sad that I can’t see her one more time. ( She was supost to come visit me in March but got too ill.) It’s hard to go from praying for someone to recover to praying for a pain free transistion to the next life.
I’m sure she will give my brother a big hug for me. They were friends too. 50 is too young to die. I am two days older than she is.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Sorry about your friend dying. You obviously made a huge impact on her if she is talking about you at the end of her life. Wow!! That workplace of yours sounds like a soap opera. I don’t like drama or uncertainty so I would be stressed out waiting for the sh** to hit the fan! It sounds like your manager could be let go. A girlfriend and a wife??? Not good! Sorry to hear that your neck and arm are rebelling on you. It’s not surprising though as you didn’t return to work on modified work to give your body a chance to adapt to working fulltime. I wonder why your doctor didn’t order that?? I hope that you get a lot of money from your bonus so that you can clear up some debt. Hang in there girl and be happy that you’re not part of that drama going on in your workplace, and can sit back and watch it all unfold!! Carole  

[p]

Oh Bettie i am sorry to hear the sad news of your friend. I am happy you are going well back at work though and think you have done really well in your physical recovery and your gambling recovery. i know you said there are now machines near you that you cant ban from so i think thats wonderful that you have been able to continue your recovery while that has happened shows you have a good mental ban too. How is GA going?
P

[vera]

Very sad to hear about your friend B!
Life is short for some . I do hope she is being well cared for and is surrounded by family and those she wants to be with. End of Life can be scary because our choices become very limited.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just got a message from my friends friend. She said Mary will go home with Hospice care. I am glad she will go home as she has pets and I know she would like to have them around. Her GF told me not to worry as she will stay with her until the end. Mary only has her husband and son. Her parents have both passed away and her only family , aunt uncle and 2 cousins, live in the Chicago area.
Just home from work-I had to close again. My boss is being a total *ss! I told him when I had pt scheduled and yet again he scheduled me to work on my off day-Thursday. He also had me scheduled to close next Friday-after I told him I go to consuelling on Fridays ( MY ga meeting night!) He posted the schedule then scooted out of work as fast as he could! I called him on the phone to confront him because I am SO UPSET with him. He’s crying because he has had a couple 6 day weeks. BOO HOO! That’s what they pay him for. Also found out today that I will NOT get my bonus next Friday. Since I was off work when they caculated the payout they will pay me sometime next month-and I still don’t know how they are caculating the pay. I sent an email to my boss before I left work detailing my PT schedule and explaining that I could have taken MORE time but knew the branch was in a pinch and needed me. I guess it’s true "No good deed ever goes unpunshed." I am going to try to stay calm and talk to him tomorrow. I am going to tell him that I am unable to continue to be a key holder for the next few months until I am fully recovered. I am also going to contact my DR to have him be more specific about the need that my schedule accomodate my PT schedule.
I am tired tired tired!
bettie

[p]

Hi there Bettie
I really hope that they start treating you fairly… sounds like because you had time off they are hitting you twice as hard. Hope you get it sorted soon..
P

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I did have the talk with my boss and have my off day on Thursday. I threatened to get the Dr note-he changed the schedule. That didn’t stop him from leaving me all by myself to work today-his friend was off too. Hmmm…..
On a sad note my other best gf from childhood died today from Breast Cancer. Mary was loud and proud-and she let you know it. She was the other "fat girl" in grade school and was the one with me when the Nun would pull off the playground, take us in a closet, and make us weigh ourselves.
My shoulder has been awful this weekend. Yesterday felt like it did 4 weeks after surgery. I couldn’t raise it over my head today and hurt all day at work. It did get a bit better by the time I left and the PT tonight helped. The therapist said it may have been from the weight training we did Friday. I should have stayed home today but knew I was going to be the only one there.
bettie

[p]

Hi there Bettie
Glad you had the talk with the boss.. so sorry to hear of your friends passing. Life is so short it really is.
Hope your shoulder is on the improve quickly and the pain calms down soon
P

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Glad to be off today, Therapy is in an hour or so. Not sleeping well. Arm pain is waking me and I am back to sleeping in the recliner.
Seems I am not  the only person goofed up about the bonus payout. Anyone who gave me a referal had their credit taken away because I was removed from the roster. That has affected almost all of the tellers and their manager. Everyone is in an uproar as they were counting on what they were told that they would be paid out tomorrow. I can’t believe that this system is so messed up. I am not the first person who took a leave of absence. How could this have happened? My guess it my boss didn’t do his job-big suprise.
The teller manager told me that her and the manager discussed me having the assistant position. I told he he has not said word one to me. Heck, there is do much drama going on there right now I don’t want to be sucked into the middle.
They mentioned the expressway that leads to the casino having a wreck this morning and being shut down for a while.That gave me a gambling urge-does that make sense to anyone? I think that physical and mental stress is getting to me. I should be able to get to my meeting tomorrow. i hope so because I really need it.
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I am so sorry to hear of your friend’s passing.  Cancer sucks!!  Hope you start feeling better and that things get cleaned up where you work.  Take care of yourself!!Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks Lizbeth. I came home from work and didn’t make my meeting. I am just too tired.
I have had my gf on my mind all night. Her friend posted a pitcure of the urn that is on the mantel that her ashes are now in. No funeral, no service that I am aware of, and a tiny obit in their hometown paper. Thats it. Game over. Life is passing like the blink of the eye. I can’t believe her life is over. So many of the people I grew up with lived such short lives. I lost my first friend when I was 11. She had a brain tumor. My mom took me to the funeral home. I didn’t know her body would be there and I was terrified. They had a Raggidy Ann doll in the coffen with her. 39 years later and I can’t get that image out of my head.
I think I need some sleep.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! I have not had my computer for over a week, so I am just now catching up with people’s threads. Sorry to hear about your childhood friend passing away. What a horrible experience to have school staff weigh the two of you. Today that would be grounds for a law suit!! I hope that the bonus pay gets sorted out really quick, and that you get a big pay out. Sorry to hear that you are in such pain! Those darn gambling urges seem to come out of nowhere at times. I was feeling depressed earlier this week and had serious thoughts of going gambling. I decided that I couldn’t deal with more depression if I went gambling, so decided in the sense of self-preservation not to go. Gambling as we know contributes nothing good to our lives. I find that when I am feeling overwhelmed or tired that gambling thoughts present themselves, but as my daughter so eloquently told me, a person can’t cope with life, by gambling. A nap is so much more satisfying than gambling. Living in the day and having goals for only that day seem to help me as well. Breaking down overwhelming tasks into smaller tasks also helps me. I am not putting in a vegetable garden this year, nor am I planting many annuals this year, as that makes for more work such as weeding and watering with the hoses. I’ve got enough to do, without trying to be Martha Stewart. Hope the pain in your shoulder calms down soon. Carole  

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thought I would post after a long day. Work then Pt. Icing my arm as I type. I feel a bit set back in my therapy but it is what it is. I only have so many sessions then insurance cuts off and I am on my own. I have to take full advantage and work as hard as I can and just deal with the pain. Much like life I guess.
I has awful urges-pitty partys-all weekend. I made myself get up and do things. I posted to desdemona then deleated it. I really wish I had more friends and I don’t know how to make them, Silly really, such a simple skill, but one I missed by being codependent and scaring people off.
I’m going to give myself a manicure and pedicure-if I stop being lazy. I bought hair dye-thought maybe it’s time. Glad I have hair to dye-yesterday I had a moment with the gas grill when I was lighting it. I turned on the gas, lit the match, bent over to light the grill and it jusf went POOF! I singed my hair, eyebrow-just the left one-so fortunate it wasn’t a work day because I use a ton of hair spray and would be bald with 3rd degree burns! God is Good!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well it’s Friday. Long day but no longer than my off day. I wanted to try to workout this morning but didn’t sleep well. Big storms rolling through kept me awake.
Nice chatting with you RG.
Autumn if you are around start a thread. Sad to say we need some "new blood" to energize this site. At one time tons of people posted and now-well since the issue that happened here last year it’s just not the same.
Vera I didn’t mean to chase you off your thread. I was just struck with you words about feeling like doing certain things might make you "hit" a jackpot. See thats the surrender thing. Accepting the fact that CG’s can NEVER win because we can not physicaly walk away. We get that "mental freeze" that make us unrational and incapable of leaving with a "win" or keeping one. It that notion that "HAS TO BE SMASHED"!
There is no "win" that would ever be bigger than my Addiction. I know that.
bettie

[desdemona]

True that (((Bettie))) that no win would ever be big enough for a cg. Not even millions as that would kick start the addiction into high gear. One cg that works at a local bank hit a $104,000 jackpot and I would venture to say that it deepened her addiction. In all the years I gambled and all the days I gambled, my biggest jackpot was $5,000, and I put it in the machines that night plus a bunch of my own money. When we are actively gambling, money has no value other than to make the reels spin. I wondered why you deleted the post to me. My granddaughter and I are having a garage sale this weekend so more work for us. Danny has returned to work today but for only a week as he has taken days off to go golfing with a friend in southern Alberta. He is also talking about going with the same friend to Louisiana to golf soon.  Your favorite grandchild is riding her quad on my property. Yesterday I wanted her to stay home with me instead of going to playschool. She told me that they had called her teacher and the teacher had said she wanted her in schoool. Lie number one and before 9:00 am. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Carole that girl cracks me up! Teacher must let her slide a bit so she wanted to go.lol!
My Ex gambling buddy called me at work and invited me to go out with her for lunch yesterday. We went shopping and I bought 2 pairs of shoes-I know I only have 2 feet but I do love shoes.  I bought 2 lovely summer dresses, one white floral ( yellow and green with swipes of black and grey )and a short jacket. Much different than most dresses I have but I really loved it. $18 where it retailed for $79 . This store sells last years styles and the discounts on new stuff is great. I have a short white knit bolaro jacket to add so I can wear it to work. I spent about $100 for everything and trying not to feel gulty as I have so many bills I could have spent it on. If I had gambled I would have spent 3 times as much and have nothing to show for it.
Had a good meeting on Friday and need to make sure I go more frequently.
bettie

[cat438]

Bettie, I am just trying to catch up with everyone.  I have been feeling a bit down lately – pity party – and wishing I had more friends, I do have a lot of acquaintances, but only a couple of close friends. I have to say that I do notice the change on the site as well as there does not seem to be as much going on. It is what it is though and we just have to deal with things and move on.  I was at a work function last night which was held at a hotel joined to a casino.  I was really concerned, but I only took $20 with me, however, I did go and look through the casino.  I found it interesting to watch people that were gambling.  I watched someone playing my favourite machine and it was obvious to me that she was having a problem.  She was rubbing the screen, changing all the buttons.  It brought back memories to me when I would be playing them and doing all those things and praying that I would get a win as I had lost all my money.  I am a compulsive gambler and I can’t put one cent in those machines.  It was a day that I was strong enough to go and do that.  There are other days that I know I would never do that as I would not have the strength to walk away.  It is the first time that I have been in a casino for 7 months – as the last time I gambled is November 1, 2012.  It has just dawned on me that I have not played those machines this year… It was done one day at a time though.  I don’t think about a week from now, or a month from now, I just focus on today.  There are good days, bad days and I never think that I have it beat as I know if I go and play those machines then I am back on a road to self destruction.   One day at a time my sweet lord…

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh Cat, don’t do that to yourself. While it may seem like nothing at the time it plants the seed for when we are weak. It’s like going to an icecream shop 6 months into a strict diet-at month one i would be able to resist-at six months my brain says "you deserve a treat"  and before you know it I would gain back enough to wipe out 6 months of work.
I have been trying to work out more and eat better. Friday-Saturday I didn’t eat well as we had a BBQ at work and left overs on saturday. I didn’t go hog wild but finding that middle ground has always been an issue for me.
I want to gamble today-I have the time and already made excuses to my brother that I would be busy today. Well I am now planing some activities to stay busy. There is so much to do here is is overwhelming. It’s another lonely weekend-the few gf’s I have have bf’s so no time for the odd man out.
I need a life.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! You say you need a life but you have one already. You have a daughter, family of origin, cats, a fulltime job, your own condo, and you do have friends that care about you. Not to mention your recovery to work on. I used to work with a young woman named Cathy who was petite and beautiful, inside and outside. She used to say that she wanted a relationship with a guy. The problem was that she was always getting involved with emotionally unavailable men, like married men. I of course pointed this out to her but nothing changed over the 8 1/2 years we worked together. Men and women need to make emotional room for available life partners. I believe that people choose unavailable men and women due to fear. Fear that if someone really gets to know them, they will be found lacking. My attitude is "what you see is what you get, and if you don’t like it, move on." You have a lot to offer someone and you don’t see it. I was told that to have friends, you needed to be a friend. What I found out through recovery was that most of the friendships I had were ones where I enabled others. I don’t have a best friend anymore where I live, but that’s OK with me, as I would rather have no best friend than an unhealthy friendship. There are a lot of healthy people I could call to go for a meal or a movie, but I don’t have the energy with my busy life to do so. What about people in your GA group. Is there someone that would enjoy an evening out? What about volunteering somewhere for a few hours occasionally? There are so many lonely seniors out there that would love a visit from you. Carole 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well Carole my group hasn’t changed much. My ex sponser has a new person she is sponsering. I have never fit in the "click", I tried, I failed. Everyone is nice enough but I am not invited or included it the outside actitivities they do together. I did take my ex sponser to the movies-my treat-a couple weeks back. She was glad to go and I drove 30 miles to be near her home. I thought she might invite me back after the movie but she didn’t. I don’t know how the friendship thing works. I am always finding that I do all the giving and find people who do all the taking.
I have stuck my neck out and listed with a couple online dating site. I sometimes think I have someone interested but then it is over before it starts.
My daughter never invites me to come around when the Bf is there. I rarely see her except when she needs something.
My lady friend is in the nursing home. I rarely see her. She would enjoy the company however I find the place unbearable. I feel guilty that I don’t go see her-an unhealthy emotion that I just don’t need more of.
So yes I am down today. Tomorrow is a new day. No matter how much recovery time i have deep down I am still the same person I have always been. Yes take me as I am, what you see is what you get. No wonder people run from me like the plague.
bettie

[p]

Hiya Bettie, if we lived near each other i would meet up all the time.. hey you can always add me to skype, i will chat anytime.. there you go theres another friend, me
P

[7777777]

hi,
my negatives versus positives are a battle…nothing feels better than entering a casino ( they make it that way )
but,,,after it’s done, the low hits with a painful thud. Weirdly it hits, win or lose.
The hurt involves knowing all that could be done instead of gambling..No other one in my case gets hurt from it, but I am compromising the type of person I truly want to be, so I am hurting me .

The only solution I can suggest for myself and maybe for others is “Find your Joy” somehow some way.some play to win, some win to play

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks 7777777 and miss p. I am all me today thats for sure.
I have talked to a couple friends and that did help.
Did my grocery shopping and I think I am going to go and finally buy a couple plants for the balcony.
Oh and just another shot in the side-my "old" condo where my sister lived is selling as a forclosure for $29 thousand dollars. At one time my appraisal for this place was $126 thousand. I really should have walked away from this place and rented for a while when I filed bankrupcy. Hindsite is 20/20. I owe so much due to my refinancing and 2nd mortgage I took while gambling. 3 years later and I still suffer from the financial wreck I made.
No one’s fault but my own.
bettie

[neva]

That’s a really low price.  Was it trashed inside?  I keep hearing the economy and house sales are picking up but it doesn’t sound like it is in your area.   Too bad we couldn’t see the future because we’d all make some changes.

[cat438]

(((Bettie))) you sound like your need a hug lately.  Be kind to yourself, and I wish I lived closer to you as I sure as hell would love to hang out with you!!!!  I just think of all the mischief that we could get up to… I smile when I think of the store we went to and how you were explaining how all the toys worked to Carole and I.  It really was fun!!!  You are doing great with not gambling and working recovery.  I have to say that I feel the same as you at times in regards to friends, but I am also responsible for some of it, as I find that sometimes I get a bit reclusive, which is not my normal self.  I am really working on making an effort to connect with friends again.  I know that I just need to be patient with myself and it will all work out.  You are such a fun person to hang around with and it is their loss for not including you in their extra outings.  Have you thought about going to a different GT group?  Take care Bettie!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[cat438]

Hey Bettie – I forgot to mention that I am sure you will be watching hockey with those Chicago Blackhawks in the play offs.  You do know where the Captain comes from though!!!! LOLOne day at a time my sweet lord…

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Cat and I have met you and both of us would hang out with you and would enjoy doing so, and we’re good judges of people, so that should tell you something. Call the ex-sponsor and say you feel like going out for a bite to eat, and see what she says. If you go out, ask for separate bills, so that she doesn’t think it’s your treat again. She may pay for yours because you paid for the movie. Even if she doesn’t, she is paying for her own. I don’t wait to be included in activities; I invite myself. Sometimes I get rejected, like when I invited myself to the Cayman Island with Ingrid. I found out later that she invited a girl she is friends with in Toronto. I didn’t feel rejected because that was her decision who she went with. You have friends; you just don’t realize it. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hey Cat-Yes I am SUPER Excited about the Blackhawks! I try not to mention too much as I know some have a sports betting problem. I am greatful that I can enjoy the game and root for the home team without worring about a spread to beat.
I have gone to other meetings. It is funny how we are creatures of habit. I have yet to find one group I like better. As a matter of fact in two of the other meetings I have been to I have run into customers. Thats always been a concern for me. Funny how it never bothered me when i saw them at the casino!
Neva thats the 2nd unit in my building to go in forclosure. The other sold for $25 thousand. The guy rehabed it and is now stuck with it. He was not a smart investor-even when prices were better it has always been hard to sell these units. We are a converted apt complex and only have 1 assigned parking spot and no central air. The unit down stairs needs a cleanup but some paint and patch and you have a nice unit. I so wish I could buy it and let this one go. If I wasn’t a cg I could have done it-but then again if I wasn’t cg this place would be paid off instead of upside down-now 2x over!
I know I have friend here Carole. Thats been one of the Good things about being cg-meeting everyone here. But cyber friends – as real as you all are-can’t stop over and go for a drive. And this GD addiction takes a down mood and just runs with it. My brain tells me awful mean and self distructive things. It’s that addictive voice. When the fog clears I can see it-but when one of those moods hit it is frightening. I have been eating ALL DAY today-such a shame as I had been doing so well with my diet and workouts. Funny how I still run back to old comforts.
Thanks for being here for me!
bettie

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie:  Thanks for the ra-ra on my thread.  Really keeps me moving forward when the bumps in the road seem more frequent.  I’m glad that your team is doing really well and that you’re feeling better than you were on the weekend.  Being grown up is just no fun.  When we were kids, friends were just a natural, easy part of our days.  Why do things have to get so complicated?  Hope you have a lovely, stress-free week.  Love, RG

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
No problem RG. Sometimes making it 10 minutes is a mighty victory.
I have booked off the last week in June. I need to plan something so I can fight the blues. I am looking foward to time off even if I am only back to work 5 weeks. At least I don’t have to be in awful pain-that is a plus for sure!
Went to orthopedic last night. He kept me waiting 1 1/2 hours. I told him if we had been on a date I would have thought I had been stood up! He said his wife says that all the time. Well at least she doesn’t have to pay him!
Watching the Hawks game and we are having some mighty storms moving through. My cat is under the bed and he is not coming out!
bettie

[cat438]

Congrats on your team last night.  I don’t want to say too much incase it is a trigger for anyone, but it was wonderful to see.  I am so glad you have something to look forward to Bettie with your week’s vacation.  I am the same as you that I need something to look forward to.  It is strange how we get into these down in the dumps or blue times.  It is such a challenge to stay positive at times.  You really have been through so much over the last while that it is not surprising.  I have a spa gift cert to use and my daughter has one as well.  We were supposed to go in April, but we have not been yet.  She is going through some challenges right now and when I was talking to her last night asked her if we could go soon. She then started telling me I was putting a guilt trip on her.  I am seriously thinking about just going by myself as I could do with some pampering.  I suppose my point is that we all have times that we feel we have no friends and our daughters are not there for us.  I also notice it is when I am feeling sorry for myself that I feel that way and yet as much as I try to give myself a shake it does not work.  You know what I am going to go and use my gift cert as I need it for me right now!!!  Can you afford to go and get yourself a little spa treatment Bettie?  Do something nice for yourself, now that is an order.  Chin up and keep smiling!!!!!  ((((Bettie)))) cyber hugs coming your way.One day at a time my sweet lord…

[bettie]

Hi guys,
Well as always I kept myself too busy today. After 2 hour session of PT I picked up my niece to go thrift shopping. This is the one who has been in mental health care. She really opened up to me today. She told me about her mothers boyfriend force feeding her when she would not eat. ( She was always a picky eater so I do believe that happened ). she also said he molested her. That one hurt. She was very young then, maybe about 6-8 years old. Hind site being 20-20 I remember her acting odd when we were camping. Knowing now that she was sexualized it makes sense. I told her I was molested too, and in some ways I acted out like she did-but just the opposite way. She choses to throw up and I chose to eat-to build a wall of fat to protect me by keeping men away. Control, always about trying to control the uncontrollable. I shared some recovery tips about that and we talked about our mom’s. I told her I have come to accept that parents aren’t perfect and they do make mistakes. I accept she did the best she could do. The storys I could tell about my ex sister in law – well- she has issues, no doubt about that.
bettie

[kathryn]

Hello miss B,
Please dont blame yourself about your neice, it is done, and you are doing the very best thing you can to help her now. 
I hope you do something lovely for yourself in your week off.  Even if its browsing the shops (if youre not in too much pain) or enjoying coffee with friends.  I love nothing more than sitting and having a cuppa and watching the world go by, i always wonder where they are going, what they are doing…….
Anyways, just dropped by before bed, take care of yourself my lovely friend and keep smiling.
Love K xxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[p]

Hi Bettie
I think you doubt yourself so much, but all of us here can see you are a beautiful soul. Im glad you are here and i am glad to have met you. You and everyone here are special to me. Its a journey we are all on together, glad you are part of it
P

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Nice to see some old friends when I popped on tonight.
Today was just awful at work today. My boss had a "talk" with me today. Seems I was 36 of 36 bankers and now I am 32 of 36-unacceptable. Isn’t that a load of cr*p? The people I am stack ranked against have had ALL of the quarter to meet their goals-I have had 5 weeks! In one goal I would be at about 80% but I refered them to investment so I loose credit for that. I have taken 16 loans applications and have only had 1 approved loan. I gave opened 24 accounts and have only gotten credit for 8 so far. He has also decited to give himself every other tuesday off-so he can be off when his gf is off and now expects me to close every tuesday.
I am going to try to call HR tomorrow but I am afraid I am so upset all I will do is cry.
If I could have quit today I would. I also wanted to run my car into a tree when I went to lunch just so I wouldn’t have to go back to work. I haven’t felt this bad since my last gambling hangover.
bettie

[cat438]

Bettie, cyber hugs ((())) to you.  Congratulations on being 32 of 36 bankers and doing it in a 5 week time span.  Way to go girl, I knew you were good!!!!  Your boss sounds like a "wonderful" human being. NOT!!!  I hope that you feel better today, and dont even think about running your car into a tree.  Are you on vacation next week?  Focus on your vacation and getting away for a break.  I could be wrong, but I think you are Ms. Debbie are getting together.  Look out trouble, here they come LOL  I hope I got a smile out of you Bettie as you really are a delightful, warm and caring person.  You have a heart of gold!!!  You deserve to be treated with respect so keep fighting for what you deserve.  Chin up and you go girl!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

Hi Guys,
…  I haven’t felt this bad since my last gambling hangover.

Good afternoon Bettie,
Good to see your post when I dropped by too, seeing a old friend is a good feeling, even if you are having some bad times.
However, the time that you felt bad during your gambling handover was justifiable. Now you are feeling bad because of someone else’s actions, and lifestyle, let that part go and just concentrate on the part that reflects on your work.  Keep working at getting back at the number one spot in spit of the handicap that you are facing of limited work time and the redirection of recognition for opening accounts.
You often mention that what others think of you is none of your business, that holds true for your boss too, what you think about him and his girlfriend he most likely does not give a damn about, and neither will HR — don’t forget that they too are part of management.  Nevertheless, as Cat said "You deserve to be treated with respect" so don’t water down that respect with official complaints concerning shenanigans that are basically outside of work — let your boss be accountable for his own mess, both at work and at play.
And as Cat also said, don’t go running into any trees,  and that goes for casinos too.
God’s speed. Take care, Stay strong and focused.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[bettie]

Hi guys,
I got a chuckle when I read the posts left! Yes Cat, I thought I was doing very well to catch up as well as I have. I know my numbers will go up when I get credit for what I have produced. Unfortunately I lost two more loans today-about $170 thousand-due to home values. It is what It is is. The most frustrating thing is I have done the work just not getting the credit.
Larry my call to HR concerns the extra work that I do with out credit for. I am the 3rd key holder-a job I never asked for and only agreed to do it on an emergency basis. I want to ask if I can give the key back. I did tell my boss that he has done nothing to help me since I came back-and believe me-if I do get a written warning- I will get my point across. Personall hates to see the words "Set up to fail", which is in fact what he has done to me.
I would not call about the "affair"-as I have no personal proof and prefer to stay out of that mess. His time will come. His wife called the branch looking for him today. I told her he was off today. She was a bit suprised.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Up early-the down side of summer. Cats up with the birds-I’m up with the cats.
Sad about the actor James Gandolfini. I always assume people with money can get the best health care and advice. I guess people are just people. Money or not we all have our deamons. RIP Tony Soprano.
I got my boss good yesterday. I "flipped the script" on him. I walked in the door, complemented his suit, and started the day on  the right foot. He asked me if I wanted to train to sell investment products. I told him yes, I am very interested as I can learn and do anything I set my mind to. Fake it till you make it I guess, I don’t know where that came from! I am terrified of "cold calling", something this job would require a lot of. I have decited to just face my fear and learn whatever it is they want to teach me. If nothing else it looks good on a resume.
We now have to check in 2x a day to update whatever we are working on. During my check in I told him I was caught off guard on Monday when we talked about the goals. In my opinion I believe I have done very well coming back of of my medical leave. I also told him to keep in mind I was being rated against people who had a 6 week head start. His response was well I had a reduced goal, to which I responded yes but my accounts haven’t been open long enough for me to get credit and that I will move up quite a bit when final credit is given. I told him I did my best and some things are just out of my control. (he knows this-but has to pretend he doesn’t)
All in all not a bad work day after all.
So excited about my Blackhawks! Hope Deb doesn’t mind watching the game Saturday night. I am going to visit her for a couple days this weekend. I have a bit to do before Saturday. I worked like a dog after work yesterday, trying to catch up on laundry and cleaning.
Need to get moving. I want to workout then I need to get to my physical therapy. Only 3 weeks left and I want to get the most out of it.
bettie

[cat438]

Wonderful to see your awesome post Bettie.  WTG on how you dealt with your boss, and I have no doubt that you will do brilliant with selling investments.  In regards to the cold calling, just remember it’s no big deal and the more you do it the easier it gets.  I can tell you are chirpier today and I think some of it might be you looking forward to your visit with Debbie.  I think we all need something to look forward to!!!  You two will have a great time as you always do.  I am sure that Debbie will not mind watching your Blackhaws.  I have been watching them as well. One day at a time my sweet lord…

[p]

Hi Bettie, love that you and Debbie are catching up again. Also great that you found that attitude with your boss, good for you, things are looking up for you Bettie
P

[غير معروف]

Hi Bettie:  So glad that things worked out better than anticipated in the conversation with your boss.  Rooting for you and your team and wishing you a gorgeous weekend with Debbie.  For cold-calling, these are some of the tips I’ve learned and am using day to day.  (Keep in mind I was more terrified of it than you could imagine.)
1.  Picture the best possible outcome with each call.
2.  Plaster a smile on your face … people respond better when you have a smile in your voice.  You sound more relaxed too.  I’m sure I look positively nuts when I’m making my calls.  Before I dial, I force a wide smile onto my face and away I go.
3.  You will get bad calls and you will stumble in one or two calls.  Just walk it off, let it roll off your back and move forward.  I talk to myself if I have to and say, with that fake smile plastered on my face "Just keep moving forward … next call."  Sometimes, it’s said through gritted teeth, but it keeps me going.
4.  Set a goal for your number of calls and aim to get to achieve or exceed it every day. 
5.  Think of your phone as a golden goose.  Making your sales calls  and it lays golden eggs.
Go girl … you’ve got this.  Talk soon.  RG

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
Up early -the down side of summer … 

Good morning Bettie,
I am just getting round to catching up on some of the post of others and wanted to post to you; it has been a while. Good to see that you are taking more initiative in your career, that you are using the strength that you have acquired, or have had and are just now supplementing it with your work in recovery — "Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man That he didn’t, didn’t already have".
Keep in mind that it is better to be up early because it being summer than because of "gambling causing you to have difficulty in sleeping" ~GA Question 17.  Keep enjoying life and thinking in a more normal way, a better life that being gambling free provide for. The everyday trials and disappointment will still be there, but you will not be adding to them.
God’s speed. Stay strong.
P.S. Enjoy your visit with Debbie, tell her hello for me. And congratulations to your Chicago Blackhawks, for their win Saturday night and for them being Chicago Strong as for as that part of sports go — you just have to let go of any hopes of your baseball team being better than the St Louis Cardinals.
Larry
Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.– 6/25/2013 2:48:38 PM: post edited by paul315.

[p]

Hey Bettie. Love that u and Debbie are catching up again. Enjoy the game.

[cat438]

Hey Bettie I just had to post…. awesome game!!!!!  I notice there are a good number of those Hawks from Canada!!!!  I hope you had an awesome visit with Debbie.  I think we all need to have something positive to look forward to and focus on.  I am going out with friends tonight so I am slowly working on doing things!!!  I am going to send you a friend request on facebook and show you a lovely picture!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
SO EXCITED about The Chicago Blackhawks!!! It was nice of Detroit/Windsor to host the largest fireworks in North America just for my Hawks-Debbie says it’s not true but don’t believe her!  hehehehehe! I saw the winning moment peeping through someones window as we walked back to Debbies from the river.
As for the Cardnals Larry- I root for 2 teams the Cards and whoever plays the Cubs! It’s a northside-southside thing. My Dad was from St Louis so No Cub fans in my home! I do make an exception for the White Sox-since I was raised as a southsider.
Thanks for the posts Cat, Rg, P! I will post more later. Off to physical therapy. Bad storms here. Electric has been out and my niece lost part of her roof-65mph winds!
bettie

[p]

Hey Bettie
Enjoy your time you girls, that is so good that you keep in touch and catch up
P

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Thought I’d check in on your thread and see what you’re up to. Hope that you and Deb have a great visit. I’ll be moving in some of my stuff on Monday, and getting the key to my rental. Carole

[kathryn]

Hope you’re having a lovely weekend Miss B,
Cant wait to hear all about it,
Love K xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[p]

I want to hear all the details of your trip Bettie.. love reading of you both catching up i think its fantastic to do that.
Hope you and Debbie had a fun filled time together. You go girls.
P

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Had a nice weekend with Deb last week. Went to the fireworks and did some ebay shopping.
Spent most of my week off puttering around. I bought a Coach purse online for my sisters birthday and the package was stolen from my front stoop. First time in 20 years! the company was vary fair and replaced the bag in time for my sisters b day suprise. My sister asked me if I won the lotto-haha-but I told her  spent my ebay money on her and she deserved something frivolious just for herself. ( The purse and wallet are Fusha Pink-A color she would never have bought ). She started crying and I gave her a big hug! That was nice to be able to do for her. If I was gambling she may have gotten a card or just a phone call. She said "I have the best sister" and I told her yes, you do! I would have drowned without her when I was gambling. She bailed my *ss out many times, even giving me money to buy Christmas the last year I was gambling. I’m the one who has the best sister, truth be told.
I spent this weekend with my ex sponser. I helped her get her ebay selling started and I went to Church with her. Glad lightening didn’t strike me dead!
I am pooped and go back to work tomorrow.
Happy Canada Day to my friends there.
The Blackhawks rule!!!
bettie

[barrydomineyjunior]

Life is meant to begin at 40……

[cat438]

Bettie, so glad that you had a great vacation visiting Debbie.  That was a nice thing to do for your sister and it sounds like she really appreciated it.  We sometimes forget that we have so many people who have supported us throughout our life with challenges.  Have a wonderful day!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks Cat.
I saw this on FB and thought it was worth reposting.
Have a great day!
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I saw a lot of nonsence posted on the first page. Some people need a life.
Still getting into the "swing" with the new assistant. Hard to believe that someone with no banking experence is more qualified to be the assistant than any other banker in the area.
My boss just changed the schedule without telling me that there is a call night tomorrow. He also changed the new assistant so she will be working 7:45am-6:30pm. I wonder if she knows it? He has himself scheduled off.
It’s terrible to be in the position that I have put myself into. Sick, no education and limited job skills. I have no savings, no partner. God forbid I loose my job. 
Here we go again.
bettie 

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! I am just now starting to catch up with people’s threads, as I didn’t have the emotional energy to do so, since I decided to leave my marriage. I read your comment of God forbid that you lose your job, and I agree with that statement. You do have skills working at the bank, and any bank would be happy to have you as their employee. My experience in leaving this marriage is that most of what I worried about, never came to pass. One thing I ask myself when I have a huge worry is what the worse case scenario would look like, and then I decide if that is something that I could handle, and if it is, I let it go. In the worse case scenario, circumstances may not be ideal but they probably will change for the better over time. I have a Coca Cola Santa Claus decoration for you to sell on eBay as well as a bride and groom Pez dispenser. it may take me a while to get it to you as I have to find the right box, some brown paper to wrap it in, etc. Carole  

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! I hope that you are doing well despite all the goings on at work. I received two good pieces of advice when I was working. The first was choose your battles. I used to try and stand up for every injustice I saw with clients I dealt with. As hard as this is to believe the government department had to rewrite part of its policy on one benefit program they had, as I kept a spouse on benefits after her husband died even though according to my supervisor, she wasn’t entitled to. But the legislation missed out a key factor of how long the couple had to have lived together or been married. The couple had only been married three weeks I seem to recall. The long and short of it was that my lady got to have the benefit. I took that to heart of choosing my battles. The second thing a different supervisor told me was that if I had time to watch other people not doing their job, I wasn’t doing mine. I didn’t like the comment at the time as this one girl did nothing but visit with clients and staff pretty much the whole day, and the other staff would be left over and over, doing part of her caseload. She had a gift for small talk and visiting. Her behavior would irritate me and she had these long nails that she would gesture with, overpowering perfume, and wore inappropriate clothing to work like low cut tops, and she would be chatting and laughing most of her work day. She was a minority and this was the federal government, and any time she would be taken to task by upper management, she would scream racism. I guess what I’m trying to say Bettie is just do your job and don’t get caught up in the drama of your workplace. Do what you can in the number of hours you work and go home and forget about the injustices you perceive in your workplace, unless it directly affects you. Like the title of that book "Don’t sweat the small things." I didn’t invite you for a visit at this time as I don’t have the room to sleep you in my small suite, and I know at this time that you can’t afford the trip. I would like to get together with you again sometime. Carole     

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I am a hormonal lump of clay today. I have my "friend" for the 2nd time in 17 days and I am not happy with my Girlie Dr. I need a procedure that can only be done during this time and she canceled on me. Every time I have been ready she has been on vacation or out of town. Her office said well just come in tomorrow-which is not possible as I have to work for a living. I need a new Dr but the problem is that my insurance has already paid $400 for this and I seriously doubt they would pay again if I went to another dr. I don’t know how much longer I can stand this! I have just a few narcotic pain killers left from my surgery and only get relief from the pain for a few hours when I take one. The mood swings are awful. I am weeping for no good reason while I type this. It didn’t help when I realized my brother passed 11 years ago today so maybe I do have something to cry about.
Carole I don’t know why you felt the need to explain why I wasn’t invited to your place. I am in no way offended and I am glad that you and Liz are in a positition that the two of you can visit and travel. I am fortunate that Deb offered to go to Nigara Falls with me in about 12 days from now. We will do it on a shoestring but Deb’s having a friend that can accomodate us with lodging is really what made it possible. If I waited until I could afford to do things I guess I would never leave the condo again.
bettie

[desdemona]

(((Bettie))) I felt I wanted to give you an explanation in case your feelings got hurt, as that is never my intent. I have never been to Niagara Falls even though I was in Toronto. I am planning to be a tourist in my own country when I get too old to travel to other countries. Vacations on a shoestring sometimes turn out to be the best of times. I know you two will have a grand old time. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Some days I am really thin skinned-some days not so much.
Went to play trivia – which some would consider gambling-but I do not. I like the intelectual challenge ( even if I can’t spell it! ) I am one of those people who likes to take tests. We having annual training at work and when possible I go right for the test. Most of the times I pass with 80-100% scores. Long story short it is a fund raiser held in an Irish Pub that serves food and the library gets a cut of the money spent on food and drink. I usually have a beer or two and call it a night. Tonight that was a good thing as I was walking out and saw their legal slot machines. I thought gee I have a $5 bill and couldn’t get into too much trouble. I had a conversation with Cathie on the group earlier tonight about the slot machines popping up all over. Long story short I had said I would not miss something that I have never done so I walked past the machines and out the door. $5-what CG stops at $5? Who am I kidding?
Looking foward to my car trip w/Debbie. My boss is on vacation this week so it is like having 2 weeks off!
I did call my HR department about trying to get my work schedule "regular" as all this last minute "have to stay and call for 2 hours after work" is too much. They reffered me to another department.I have had low blood sugars due to getting late lunch times because we are so short handed. The fact of the matter is that being diabetic is a disability according to the "Americans with disability act" and with the number of employes we have they should be able to give me a reasonable accomodation. Fact is the better I keep my sugars the long I get to live. Peroid.
I should not have to fight for this but it will be an up hill fight.
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Way to go on not gambling at the pub. Good for you for advocating for your health as well. The decorative items I said I was going to mail to you, have made it from my sewing room to a box going to my new place tomorrow. I’m getting there, but it’s still going to be a while till I can find the appropriate box, brown paper, etc. I need to get myself organized. Carole

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Carole the cheap cg in me has a suggestion. Since Canada has so many shipping fees see if Liz can take it home and mail it. The post office here gives free boxes for priority mail. 
It’s nice of you to think about me-thanks!
bettie

[desdemona]

(((Bettie))) That is a good suggestion giving it to Liz to mail. You’ll probably get it a lot sooner that way, as stuff seems to get hung up in customs a lot. It’s very hot here today and in about 3 hours, I will be making the 3 1/2 hour trek to the city. Carole

[bettie]

Hey w4nt if you are reading this please call the Samaritans right now!
You need to talk to someone-if there is a breath in your body there is ALWAYS HOPE!
bettie

[trulyshi]

W4nt, I too have hit the bottom of the barrel but I chose to claw my way back up to the top.  I kept telling myself that things couldn’t possibly get worse, but they did.  I was my own worst enemy and was in constant denial.  There are other jobs, W4nt, there are other women, there is always more money down the road.  Never, ever give up, never admit defeat.  Debbie

[janey]

Hi Guys
Due to the nature of the content I felt it necessary to remove W4nt’s post but rest assured he has been contacted by us to discuss a way forward.
Thanks
Janey

[trulyshi]

Hey Thelma!  One more sleep and we’re off on our big adventure.  Wanna go over the falls in a barrel?

[bettie]

Louise-do you think I slept?? hehe!

[trulyshi]

Just got word that Thelma is stranded on the highway (again) with a flat tire (again).  Geeeeeez, I sure hope a Brad Pitt type stops by to lend you a hand.  Am waiting patiently for your arrival, no matter how late tonight.  Maybe we really should do a Thelma and Louise and drive that car off a cliff, it has given you nothing but grief anyways, lol.

[bettie]

Ya gotta laugh!
I called for roadside assistance from my car dealer and told them I had another flat on the new tire that I bought to replace the old tire! He said I should play the lottery! lol! I told deb I can’t afford a new tire every time I visit!
|I know have mismatched tired in a one year old car! it was that or go home so I have arrived! 4 hour drive took 9 but All is good!
Thelma aka bettie

[finding_laura]

Glad to hear you made it there safe and sound! Now I know why my phone wasn’t ringing this morning. Hope you girls have fun xo talk soon Laura

[p]

Hi Bettie
Thelma or Louise haha.. just saying a little hello and goodbye really, well not goodbye just not posting now, but i will be on chat some time.. been nice knowing you Bettie, if i could insert a little bat here i would ……….
P

[bettie]

Home safe and sound. Just catching up on cleaning. Deb and her friend treated me like a Queen~who could ask for more. The falls were amazing!
Went to a meeting last night. New person came. Always a good reminder of why I need to stay out of a Casino!
Back to work Monday. Need to really get moving and get my housework done.
bettie

[desdemona]

(((Bettie))) I’m so happy to hear that you had an awesome time with Deb and her friend. It’s nice to go away but I always like to come home after and sleep in my own bed. I had a dream last night that my daughter got a parcel in the mail and I asked her if I could have the box it came in, as I said I needed it to mail a few things to you. Carole  

[bettie]

Hi guys,
Guess it’s been a while since I have posted. Still working on getting an accomodation for my work schedule. I have the paperwork and see my Dr next week.
Went to the girlie Dr on Monday. Had a procedure done and hope that it will finally give me some relief from the problems I have been having for years. Time will tell.
Weather has cooled and I have had very little use of the pool this year. Looks like I might never see the beach this year either.
Gambling thoughts come and go. I guess thats jus part of life for a CG.
One of the long time members of the Safe Harbor site has passed away from cancer. Some of you may have had the pleasure of chatting with her. Sandra/Gams was a very giving and thoughtful lady. I am glad that I got to know her a bit. Lovely person who will be sorely missed.
bettie

[desdemona]

That sucks about Sandra. Ken L said she was diagnosed with cancer in January of this year. I didn’t know as I hadn’t been on Safe Harbour for quite a while. I emailed you asking you what number your condo was and asking you to confirm the address I had for you. Liz graciously took those items for you back in her suitcase and she will mail them to you from the good ole USA. She really liked the bride and groom PEZ dispensers. Hope you’re doing well. Carole 

[lee1991]

I sick and tired of feeling this low. I feel like there is no way out each payday I’m falling deeper and deeper into a financial mess. I want to stop gambling before I lose everything and everyone one but I feel that there is no hope for me Anymore and I am to far gone:( I am determine to stop gambling as I can’t take much more of this it is actually killing me inside!!

[bettie]

Hi guys,
Hey Carole I sent you an email. I didn’t get an email from you so maybe you have the wrong email for me.
It is sad about Sandra. I think no matter how much time we get it goes by in the wink of an eye. Even more reason not to waste time gambling.
Lee i checked the chat and saw your question.
Yes, people DO recovery from gambling. It takes a lot of want and getting all the support that you can. Check out GA in England. There is also Gamecare, Gordon Moody and a US site that has a chat. http://www.sfcghub.com just to mention a few.
You can never get too much help or support. Most CG’s have to hit some kind of a "bottom", for a lot of us it is financial, before we are broken enough to get help. Don’t give up! You ARE worth it!
bettie

[desdemona]

I emailed your address to Liz so she will mail you the items. Nice chatting with you on the phone tonight. Thanks for calling. Carole

[trulyshi]

Thanks for your post gf, I can’t wipe the smile off my face. 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well today was the day I went to the Dr to have him fill out my paperwork for my accomodation for my schedule. Not so sure they will accept it-he left one part blank and his writing is so bad I can hardly make it out. He used abreavations for my Illinesses and even I had to look them up. Generalized Anaxity Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Hypertention, Insulin Dependent Diabetes Melitus,Vitimin D Defeciency, Hyperlipidema and something else I couldn’t make out.
I think it is a miracle I get out of bed in the morning most days!
Oh well is sounds bad but I feel good.
I guess thats what counts.
bettie

[cat438]

Bettie, you really have such a positive attitude.  You really are special the way you just deal with everything and keep on going.  You really are the little train that can!!!  I wish you were not having to deal with all these problems at work and more importantly your health issues, but you are dealing with them all without gambling.  There is so much more to life than gambling, it’s just accepting that and moving on.  Have a wonderful day!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well round one-HR totally blew me out of the water with the request-said it was Preference not a medical need. Doctor said it would take more game playing when I first approached him. I have to call him again and ask him to be more specefic about my medical NEEDS as apposed to my Wants.The HR person was such a snot. I am sure she works 9-5. Oh well she’s just doing her job and I need to be more proactive and stop thinking I don’t deserve to be accomodated.My addiction just loves this-it creates a perfect storm of self loathing and pitty that makes me depressed and want to gamble.
Attitude not so good today cat! lol!
bettie

[cat438]

Bettie, keep going and you will get you work situation sorted out.  It is stressful for you going through all this, but it will be worth it once it is all done.  I loved the video of your cat… so cute!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! So is it a PREFERENCE to need to eat so that your blood glucose levels stay stable??? The games some people play. If the doctor knew it was going to be a back and forth situation, why didn’t he provide an explanation to the HR people, that was more generous than just listing your medical diagnoses. Maybe because he gets paid for every report, etc he does? Forgive my cynicism, but I’ve seen too much of that kind of behavior from doctors during my working life. Hope you’re well and happy! Carole

[10yearloss]

Bettie~I have been reading a lot of your posts (and others on this site) since your first post.  I felt we had a lot in common, but I guess a lot of us with GA have a lot in common.  Anyway I used to post to this site but stopped aboyt 5-6 years ago.  I am back and wanted to say "Hi".  I am near your state and you may have come this way to a very large casino when you were still gambling.  I hope all is going well with you.  Enjoy your weekend!
Take Care!"Live for today" but not in a casino!

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well today was not the best day. It started well enough as the boss is off until Sept 3rd. The asst got my goat as I went to take a loan application at a business and she called me after 50 minutes wanting to know where I was! I took a deep breath before I answered. WHF?? She doesn’t know the job, the branch was dead and I was busy doing my job! I told her I was on my way back-she said you have been gone since 3:30. I told her no, it was closer to 4pm and the time she called me was 4:45pm! I said no worrys-I was on my way. When I got back I smiled, sat at her desk, and asked her if she knew I was doing a 5 page application and what all had to be done. Frustration!
I went to my meeting and my friend restated how she had had a wonderful last minute invite to the lake cottage of one of the other members. It felt like my nose was being rubbed in it? Oh yea, forgot to mention that we had tentative plans to camp last saturday with my brother if he was going. My feelings were hurt when I text her to find out why she was a no show at the meeting last week and she said where she was. Next text was "are you camping tomorrow?" me-Don’t know yet-her "oh".That was it-no further contact till Sunday night when she called to say what a good time and what all they did etc. I thought we were becoming close friends but now it seems like she in just like most other people in my life-I’m good enough until something better or more interesting comes along.
My feelings are hurt. Can you tell?? I feel like a kid not invited to the party because that has happened to me before too.
I had gambling urges again yesterday-even borrowed money from Jen just in case I decited to go. Wound up calling another gf who said I could come by. At first  she didn’t want company but had a change of heart. God does help us because if she hadn’t had a change of heart my next stop was lunch then the casino.
Enough of that!
10years, if you are north of Illinois then no I never went to that casino. I did most of my damage in Indiana. Glad to see your post and welcome back!
Yea Carole I did pay for an office visit to get the first papers filled out.
Cat my kitties are my salvation most days. They make me laugh.
bettie
 

[10yearloss]

Bettie……..No I am not north of Illinois…..I’m across the lake from you!  "Live for today" but not in a casino!

[neva]

Bettie, so happy you didn’t gamble. That would be like a double slap in the face for you.  I think us gamblers are really sensitive and get our feelings hurt easily.  You sound like a fun loving beautiful person and I’d love to spend time with you!  We can’t make others treat us like we want but we can do what’s right for ourselves and you are doing that!  Keep taking care of you by not gambling.  I’m proud of you!

[vera]

B!
You know if you gamble, I’m coming right over there to trottle you on the first available flight because you are a winner B and CGs LOSE!!!!!
Enjoy the trip to the beach and I hope the wolf whistles don’t deafen you!
Seriously, B. for Gods sake dont gamble. You know where it leads us!
To hell!!

[lizbeth4]

Bettie, you’re welcomed!! Seize all the good things in life

[bettie]

Gotta laugh V,
We were glad no one pointed and laughed!
Nice evening, water was cool but the area is so beautiful!
Happy Sunday!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well interesting weekend. My sister spent the night and vented off some steam. We talked alot. I gave her some compulsive gambling insite-she was really blown away-as we have never really talked about it. She can’t imagine spending the mortgage money-she even said "why couldn’t you just stop". I asked her why she can’t just stop smoking or just stop overeating. I told he the worst part was when "in action" being a cg is baffaling-the "real" me could never dream of doing it while the "cg" me had no control-and if I could get it I would spend it. I think she has a better understanding now. It is funny that the few who know have no idea just how bad this is. Two that I have confided in thought I was going to tell them I had a body buried somewhere! They are like-well it’s no big thing. That is fine really-because if they really understood I think they would be terrified. That is the good thing about group support-they get it and I don’t have to explain it.
We slept through some excitement-our club house in my condo complex had a fire last night. The interior is destroyed but the structure stands. The really bad part is the swiming pools filter and heater are housed in that building. I guess there will be no more pool this summer! Right now I have no gas, which means no stove and no hot water. i talked to the assocation president and he said that the gas company will not restore service until they can check every gas stove. Mine is newer and has no pilot light but if I am not home they are coming in with a locksmith tomorrow to check anyway. I guess I am staying home. If my cat Tiger runs out no one will be able to get him back in my unit.
bettie

[bettie]

Originally posted by bettie

 
  
 Hi Guys,
Just working on some readings for my pinning. I found this early in my GT days and it means alot to me. It helped me understand myself a bit better.
   
I copied this from Marilee’s thread. It speaks so much truth ( at least to me ) that I almost cried when I read it.
I would recomend having someone to whom you are trying to explain this illiness to read it.
Thanks Marilee, hope you are ok where ever you are. 
  
It often crosses my mind that being an addict is like trying to communicate with a deaf world.  You are trying and trying to say the words, but no one can hear you.  It is a disease of incredible loneliness, isolation, secrecy, fear and depression.  Since you don’t walk with crutches, have a cast, bandages or bruises, others do not know you are sick. In the beginning, you don’t know you are sick either.  It may be more visible to others who notice your mood, your unhappiness, your withdrawal, than it is to you.  Make no mistake – the denial of a problem is protecting the addict from a pain they are not ready to handle.  With all addictions, moving from denial is a risky process.  It involves putting your relationships, your self-esteem, your sanity on the line.  To get from denial to acknowledgement, those who surround you need to understand this:  gambling is NOT about the money.  Money is only the tool that helps us continue to use a coping mechanism to deal with negative emotions.  The power of the addiction is that, in the beginning, this tool worked amazingly well.  In the beginning, a casino feels like a safe place.  No one asks anything of you, the lights and noise distract your thoughts, for one hour or ten, you have nothing to do but sit and press a button that randomly rewards you.  Go back to any Psychology 101 class and you will find that it is proven that random rewards are far more powerful in sustaining the behavior.  This would be an ideal solution, except that – like an alcoholic who needs more and more alcohol to get drunk – a gambler needs to go more often to shut off the negative emotions and the anxiety, depression and despair that those emotions cause.  Eventually, the financial losses accumulate, and you add yet another layer of problems to the many you already couldn’t cope with.  In many ways, it is easier to see the financial problems as the only ones you really have.  There isn’t a gambler out there who doesn’t say "if only I could win $10,000 my problems would be solved".  Well, they would be solved on one level – relief from the stress of unpaid bills, collection calls, legal action – but the reasons why you gamble have not been addressed and you would begin the cycle all over again.
Gamblers are both alike and different.  We are alike because we have chosen a coping mechanism for psychological pain that, without question, will lead to financial ruin, destruction of relationships and often death.  We are alike because we all play a negative tape in our heads – "I am stupid", "I am worthless", "If anyone really knew me they would not love me"; and on and on it goes.  We are only different in the life situations that cause us to have the negative emotions.
What can those who are close to a gambler do?  Perhaps it is easier to list what I believe they should not do.  Do not judge, belittle or demean us.  That is what we do to ourselves in our head.  Words like "shocked" "disappointed" "angry" will not help us.  They will increase the negative emotions, and increase the drive to release that pressure by gambling more.  Do not place the blame for your emotions on us.  "You hurt me because you lied" "You have taken my trust".  We can’t deal with our own emotions, how in God’s name are we supposed to deal with yours?  Those close to a gambler need to work concurrently with us – find your own outlet and help for your emotions while we are dealing with ours.  We are not indifferent to how those around us are feeling, we are simply not capable of helping them.  Do not expect a gambler to tell you why they gamble.  For some it is a lifelong pursuit to understand it themselves.  At a minimum, it is a lengthy process of uncovering the many things in their past that brought them here.  Do not expect a gambler to just stop once they have acknowledged the gambling.  You are an addict for life.  Recovery often involves relapse.  Think of it this way – if someone tells you that you can never, ever have chocolate again, wouldn’t you run around and binge on it before it was gone?  A gambler is losing the only crutch they have and it is very scary.  Until other, different and healthy coping mechanisms are in place, we are terrified to be without our gambling crutch.
What can you do?  Always, always have compassion.  Someone you love is in terrible pain.  If they had a physical disease, you would unquestionably be there to support them.  But they have an emotional disease – and they need you even more.  Tell them you love them, need them, and want to suppport them to get well.  Don’t threaten them – "If you gamble again I am leaving".  Unless of course that is how you really feel.  If so, say it, mean it, do it.  This is an intensive battle for the gambler’s life.  If you’re not in it for the long haul, then get out of the way.  It is okay to place reasonable conditions on your support  – "I’ll drive you to your meetings but I won’t give you money" – but that doesn’t mean your love can be conditional. 
Respect the gambler.  There is no dignity in this disease.  We have spent a long time and a lot of energy creating a false mask for others in order to hide our disease and our pain.  Admitting you are an addict takes more courage than most people will ever know.  We deserve to be respected for this.
It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….
Looking for the Wisdom

Hi Guys,
With so many new folks (welcome!) on the forum it seems time for a repeat.
I am reading at a pinning tommorrow. I am honored! I was at this ladys first meeting-directed her to the room.
I am glad for her milestone!
bettie

[trulyshi]

Your post made me cry.  Thank you for reposting.  I miss you and will give you a call this weekend.  Luv ya girl

[kathryn]

Hiya B,
Love that post, I often think of Marilee, she was my champion when I first found my way here all those years ago!!!  I too hope that wherever she is, she is happy .
Im at work this weekend, its the first weekend we have been opened so of course I had to do it!  Mind you, I have a 40th birthday party to go to next weekend (its 70s theme, you should see my costume!) so I didn’t want to chance having to work next weekend.
Anyway, as always sending you love, I think of you often and always come and read.  My posting has been rather slack but im ok, gamble free and pretty happy which is all I can ask for. I am thrilled with my weight loss and quite like looking at myself in the mirror now!  I now have a beauty regime, nails, brows (remember the mono?), I had my hair done yesterday, foils and all and now have eyelash extensions!!!! (very traumatic experience but we always have to go through pain for beauty!)
So, have a great weekend, hope to catch up with you soon,
Love K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[bettie]

More reruns from the vaut-
Originally posted by bettie

 
Hi Guys,
Glad you guys like the posts-you know I got them from here on GT.
I think this will be the 3rd and final reading-a classic in my book!
ENOUGH!

A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always
fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh,what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive,how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power
and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love…. and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms… just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely…

You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK…. and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want…and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch… and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve… and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time… FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get
what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful
and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God (whatever you believe him/her to be) by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

— AUTHOR UNKNOWN
(But dearly appreciated)
 
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Originally posted by bettie

 
Hi Guys,
I think this will be the 2nd reading.
bettie
In Between

Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in between.

One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don’t want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.

This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.

Being in between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush.

Being in between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.

We may have many feelings going on when we’re in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what’s ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.

Being in between isn’t fun, but it’s necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we’re standing still, but we’re not. We’re standing at the in between place. it’s how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.

We are moving forward, even when we’re in between.

Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990
 
 
 

[trulyshi]

Thanks for posting these Bettie.  Reading them again from time to time helps to keep things in perspective.

[trulyshi]

Thanks for posting these Bettie.  Reading them again from time to time helps to keep things in perspective.

[p]

Congratulations Bettie, did you say you have a pinning coming up. Well done! That is wonderful, you have done very well with your recovery. Im starting over, its painful but its reality
P

[p]

Congratulations Bettie, did you say you have a pinning coming up. Well done! That is wonderful, you have done very well with your recovery. Im starting over, its painful but its reality
P

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh  not to mislead there miss p. These were used at my pinning 2 years ago August. That seems so long ago. I have stopped counted days but am past the 1 year mark again. No pin this time around. That was kind of like a sweet 16, you only have that once whether you get a party or not. ( I of course, did not )
Good to see you posting!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh  not to mislead there miss p. These were used at my pinning 2 years ago August. That seems so long ago. I have stopped counted days but am past the 1 year mark again. No pin this time around. That was kind of like a sweet 16, you only have that once whether you get a party or not. ( I of course, did not )
Good to see you posting!
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Good to see that you’re doing well and thanks for posting about being "in between." Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Good to see that you’re doing well and thanks for posting about being "in between." Carole

[sirena0215]

Hi Betty,
Thank you for re-posting your readings and some of the old posts for the newcomers on the site, like me. After a tough week of being ‘in between’ and also settling into my second month of recovery, the 3 readings were very helpful. Thanks again. Sirena

[sirena0215]

Hi Betty,
Thank you for re-posting your readings and some of the old posts for the newcomers on the site, like me. After a tough week of being ‘in between’ and also settling into my second month of recovery, the 3 readings were very helpful. Thanks again. Sirena

[trulyshi]

Bus tickets are purchased!  I will miss my Canadian Thanksgiving but will have tons of fun visiting with you.  Can’t wait, Deb

[trulyshi]

Bus tickets are purchased!  I will miss my Canadian Thanksgiving but will have tons of fun visiting with you.  Can’t wait, Deb

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Interesting email at work today. It is from the head of employee relations wanting to discuss my request for a modified schedule. My cousin sent an email to corporate and I believe this is the result. I am scared frankly. Even though there is not suppost to be any retalitation in the real world that is rarely how things go. I just sent my cousin an email asing her what I should do or say. I am at a loss here.
Sirena welcome and thanks. Congrats on your "clean time". Recovery works when we work it. Even after 3 1/2 years "in recovery" some days are still a chalenge but worth it!
Deb I will be ******** the days untll your arrivial! Making plans in my head already! I haven’t had an extended house guest ever so hope you don’t get tired of me too quickly! lol!
Carole I love Melody Beatty-never can go wrong with her advice!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Interesting email at work today. It is from the head of employee relations wanting to discuss my request for a modified schedule. My cousin sent an email to corporate and I believe this is the result. I am scared frankly. Even though there is not suppost to be any retalitation in the real world that is rarely how things go. I just sent my cousin an email asing her what I should do or say. I am at a loss here.
Sirena welcome and thanks. Congrats on your "clean time". Recovery works when we work it. Even after 3 1/2 years "in recovery" some days are still a chalenge but worth it!
Deb I will be counting the days untll your arrivial! Making plans in my head already! I haven’t had an extended house guest ever so hope you don’t get tired of me too quickly! lol!
Carole I love Melody Beatty-never can go wrong with her advice!
bettie

[cat438]

Hi Bettie, thanks for the post and the suggestion on the strap for carpal tunnel on my writst/hand.  I will look for one of the straps here and try it.  I am so excited for you having your friend visit you next month, that is absolutely wonderful!!!!  I know that you will both have a wonderful time, as long as your cats behave LOL 
Bettie thanks for posting the readings they are really great and anything that makes us think is always good!!!  You really are a wealth of information for us dealing with this addiction.  It is definitely a ODAAT recovery journey.  I am going to my counselor for support right now, as I am starting to recognize when I feel vulnerable and therefore trying to be proactive.  Take care (((Bettie)))One day at a time my sweet lord…

[cat438]

Hi Bettie, thanks for the post and the suggestion on the strap for carpal tunnel on my writst/hand.  I will look for one of the straps here and try it.  I am so excited for you having your friend visit you next month, that is absolutely wonderful!!!!  I know that you will both have a wonderful time, as long as your cats behave LOL 
Bettie thanks for posting the readings they are really great and anything that makes us think is always good!!!  You really are a wealth of information for us dealing with this addiction.  It is definitely a ODAAT recovery journey.  I am going to my counselor for support right now, as I am starting to recognize when I feel vulnerable and therefore trying to be proactive.  Take care (((Bettie)))One day at a time my sweet lord…

[desdemona]

(((Bettie))) I agree that you can’t go wrong with Melody Beattie. I’ve learned a lot about co-dependent behavior from her. I plan to read her books during the winter when it’s too cold to go anywhere. I’m sure you and Debbie will have a blast together. I just love having two cats; they are double the fun. I would suggest that when you meet with employee relations that you try and stay calm, and listen to what they have to say, and then state your case clearly and simply, if you are asked. Go in there with a positive attitude and hopefully changes will be made to accommodate your diabetes. Hope it goes well for you! Carole  

[desdemona]

(((Bettie))) I agree that you can’t go wrong with Melody Beattie. I’ve learned a lot about co-dependent behavior from her. I plan to read her books during the winter when it’s too cold to go anywhere. I’m sure you and Debbie will have a blast together. I just love having two cats; they are double the fun. I would suggest that when you meet with employee relations that you try and stay calm, and listen to what they have to say, and then state your case clearly and simply, if you are asked. Go in there with a positive attitude and hopefully changes will be made to accommodate your diabetes. Hope it goes well for you! Carole  

[p]

Hi Bettie
I hope things are working out at work and i hope to see you again some time in chat
P

[p]

Hi Bettie
I hope things are working out at work and i hope to see you again some time in chat
P

[bettie]

Well not sure whats up but I am found! Amazing Grace I guess!
Still confused about how the new forum will flow but I do not like going back to the origional post then having to page through to get to the current stuff. Other sites are set up like that and i found them very hard to use-thats why I never posted to them.
It takes time to iron out the kinks.
We went on a new teller system today and customers will have to adapt. Not fun but necessary for sure!
Bettie

[adele]

Hi Bettie,

Are you maybe having trouble posting on the new site?

I’m running around sharing a way that I figured out for getting my comments to post at the end of the thread instead of landing somewhere in the middle.

Here it is if you’re interested:

Don’t use the “Add new comment” box for typing your comments.

Instead, click on the dark purple “reply” button (next to the “Complain about a message” button) just under the last comment posted on the thread.

When you click on the “reply” button, a new window pops up where you can type in your comment. Then when you hit “Save”, your comment will post at the tail end of the thread like it’s supposed to!

I hope this helps.

This new site has some really cool features I think we’re all going to like once the GT team gets all the kinks worked out!

Adele

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks Adele. Yes I have all but given up posting-at least for now-giving things time to settle here. Thanks for not giving up on up P and being a cheer leader here! We all need positive people around.
Lots of changes going on at work. After the employee relations person called me boss things have been odd at work. They gave him directions on my schedule and he compleatly ignored them. I have had a talk with employee relations and they said “Oh the accomodation hasn’t been implemented yet.” Really? He defied even them and in my opinion is acting in retalation.

Well I don’t have to worry much about him anymore as they transfered him to another branch. The new boss starts today and frankly I am scared. I don’t know what to think but I guess I will in a couple hours.
My boss took a parting shot. He altered my time off, after telling me for weeks that I had the time. Long story short if I don’t get what I was promised I will be back on the phone today with the employee relations person. Again, more retalation.
Oh for those who know, the bosses GF has been promoted and will be joining him at his new branch. How ironic!
bettie

[cat438]

HI Bettie, wishing you well with your new boss today. Remember you are a good employee and do a great job and keep thinking positive. You are not looking back because you are not going that way, you are looking forward and give your new boss a chance, don’t let your old boss mess things up for you as you move forward with your new boss.

I am finding that we need to hit the reply button to keep our posts in chronological order. I am sure it will all get sorted out. Take care!!!!

[Dunc]

Hopefully all of your thread is contained here

Take Care

Harry

[cat438]

Hi Bettie, I hope that all went well with your new boss. Please post and let me know. Take care

[bettie]

Well it has been a trying week for sure.
The tellers are out of sorts-the new quicker system is as slow as a snall and the customers are not pleased either.
I worked by myself with the new manager today. he seems fair enough-so far. Hard to tell 2 days in! My old manager took a parting shot. He changed my time off so I won’t be able to camp with my family the weekend before deb comes in. He changed my request-because he was sly enough not to give me a copy of the “approved” time-and didn’t bother to tell me he changed it. What a whimp that coward! I had a two minute talk with the new guy about it and he said it should have been taken care of before the old boss left. He said he would see what he could do. When I met him Monday I told him I was the one they warned him about and chuckled. I did tell him that I am a reasonable person really-and he would need to get to know me.
I did get a small accomodation with my schedule but not without a fight. It has yet to be implemted so we will be working on that too. It has created a lot of resentment I can tell but hopefully I will start turning my health around. My sugars are higher than they have ever been. Stress and exaustion do not help. Cronic back pain, elbow pain, name it claim in and dump it. I am tired of all this stuff.
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks Harry!

[icandothis]

Hi Bettie, I finally figured out how to get to the end of your thread. So frustrated when I kept seeing your first entry over and over again. I am so glad that your entire thread was recovered. I agreed with what you said about the benefit of sticking with one thread for yourself and also for others as well. I think it helps others to read someone’s entire journey. Both the highs and lows. I am not one who has done that and I regret that I haven’t done so. (I also understand the desire to start over and begin anew, and I do not judge those who have.) I do, however, admire you for staying with your original thread and sharing your journey with us.

[bettie]

Hey Ican good to see you on my thread!
Well I am scheduled to work next Saturday so maybe I will get to spend 1 night camping. I had to add some “corrections” to the schedule at work. If you read “Not to work shifts over 8 1/2 hours” would you schedule someone to work 7:45 am – 6:15pm? Well I told the new boss and assistant you can have me until 6:15 but that means I have a late start time-9:45. They were not impresses but tough. I have to not let them bully me but it is hard. I do feel guilty because thats the codependent needy person I can be at times.
My brother heard on the new today that my bank is up for sale. Maybe I’ll get a buyout~Wouldn’t that be something?
bettie

[desdemona]

I figured out accidently how to get to the last posts on your thread. I can’t figure out this new system and I’m a reasonably intelligent person……Good for you for standing your ground with your work schedule. And very good that the manager and his GF have transferred out of there. When is your visit with Deb? I am getting settled in the city though haven’t looked very hard for a job yet. I have started walking though with a friend that also needs to lose weight, so we’re doing it together. Carole

[cat438]

Hi Bettie WTG on your date that slipped past quietly. I find it interesting as I am getting close to a year and I find myself not feeling elated, but fearful. I think it may be because I have been at 8 months before and blew it and now it is a new milestone. I am questioning am I in recovery or just abstaining. I know that you posted something about this in the past. Do you have a copy of it. I wonder if I am setting myself up to fail again!!!!
Enough about me, I hope that things work out okay for you at work with your new boss. It is good that you are standing up for yourself, but give your new boss a chance. Don’t take your anger at your old boss out on your new boss. Keep thinking positive thoughts and it will get better!!!
I would have loved to have come and spent time with you and Debbie. I think you two “young” things would have lead me astray though LOL I think of all the stores and bargains that I would have been able to get with you shopping. Wishing you and your cats a wonderful gamble free day!!!!

[p]

Hi Bettie
Congratulations Bettie. If i had a little bat pic i would insert it here…. hehe.. well done. Good you got your thread going.

P

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for your posts.
Cat of all things I just found out that Sunday is the Chicago marithon and I will be picking Deb up in the middle of it! It will be an adventure as I am not sure what streets may be shut down. I am sure I will get her here safe and sound. I might employ help from Jen and go on the train. I did get 1/2 price tickets for a show Downtown on Tuesday so that will be fun.
Glad to see you up and posting miss p-what ever it takes you know?
I get that “scared” of the 1 year Cat. It’s like we build our selves up then it’s like now what? Now’s a good time to raise the barriers-when we have little temptation and our head it not in the “I deserve a reward” stage.
Gotta run-I have to open today!
take care
bettie

[bettie]

Well I went to my doctor today for a followup from my blood work. Needless to say not good, not good at all. My a1c ( a measure of blood sugar management ) is up another point in 3 months. 9.1 now, the highest that it has ever been in the last 13 years. To say I am discusted with myself is an understatement. He is insisting that I start taking short lasting insulin-which means 4 shots a day or go on an insulin pump. I dodged this bullit before but I just don’t have it in me anymore. I am tired of fighting only to end up a failure yet again. I feel like I have a giant “L” stamped on the middle of my forehead for the world to see. Funny how I had a gambling urge as soon as I got in the car. Funny how your mind wanders back to the familiar. Funny how I wished I was dead so I wouldn’t have to deal with this. Thats the upside of death, that this world and all its trouble are gone. I think of the family and friends that I have lost in the last few years and while I miss them more than words can say I am glad that they no longer struggle and suffer the pain found in this life. I guess I am a bit depressed but no worries. I’ll shake this off and make a new plan tomorrow. Today I’m just gonna feel sorry for myself and be done with it.
bettie

[غير معروف]

I’m sorry you’re feeling low, our Bettie. Sometimes life just keeps dealing those one-two punches. One thing I know though, is that you will get up tomorrow and make it better.

I was chatting to my bestie this evening and we were going round and round about how crappy life can be. We’re very honest with each other though and we always end up admitting that only we can change things.

It’s hard Bettie to make the drastic changes we need for our health. I’m afraid to go for my next physical for what the doctor may find. I’m way overweight and really need to take control of things. I don’t know what damage I’ve done to my insides.

You absolutely do not have a giant L on your forehead. You have done amazing things under great pressure. However, you do need to make yourself a priority now. In the end, Bettie, our health is our wealth. Visiting my 92-year old Dad every weekend shows me that I should practice gratitude for what I still have. When I see some of the old girls in the home, it’s very sobering. It’s not nice.

So, let’s make small steps every day to love ourselves a little more. God knows, if we don’t love ourselves, why would anyone else want to.

Take care of yourself Bettie and forget the stupid gambling thoughts. Kick them to the proverbial curb and watch the garbage truck drive away with it. I hope you do something wonderful for yourself tomorrow. You deserve good things.

Love, RG

[p]

Dear Bettie
Your post really worried me. I think you need to go to counselling, can you contact someone, a friend, a relative. You sound very down and thoughts of suicide are things i never take lightly. I have lost people to suicide so i am saying to you that if you are having feelings like this and saying them here then i think you need to be saying them to people in real life that are right in front of you. I am sorry for what you are going through. Please see someone about how you are feeling i am worrying about you after reading your above post. Please ring someone.

P

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for your concern and thoughtful posts. My dr is insisting that I seek conselling. I told him I would add it to my list of things I keep putting off. I will go to my meeting tonight and that will help me blow off steam. I did talk to my sister, she is diabeic also, and knows how that feeling of failure. I guess that is normal. Like being a CG this is a progressive disease. I’ve had it since 2000 and I guess my pancreas is just not working at all anymore.
Well off to work for me.
Thanks again!
bettie

[p]

I am glad you are posting again and considering counselling. Please do it, i really am so worried for you. you are a great person Bettie. though we have not met i have known you for many years here and your posts tell me what sort of person you are. You are loveable and worthwhile Bettie. Love and hugs to you from across the seas

Your friend P

[p]

Hi Bettie i read that you will be away camping, that is great, you sound like you need the break. Hope you have lots of fun and lets know how it goes.

P

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Hope that you’re feeling better than when you last posted. Diabetes is a nasty disease but like compulsive gambling, can be managed. I found this online site called myfitnesspal where you track your food intake and any exercise you do. A healthy lifestyle is a progress not perfection type of thing. I’m not finding it easy but am doing what I can to lose some weight. Diabetes runs in my family as well. I just got tired of looking matronly at age 58. I still haven’t found a job though I have been hardly looking. I need to get serious about that. How is the atmosphere in your place of employment since your boss and his paramour have left??? Carole

[bettie]

Well much better today, thanks for asking p and Carole.
It is hard when you have a a cronic medical condition. Diabetes is progressive in nature. There is no cure. The better you mannage the longer you delay other diseases and side affects. My dad died at 68 from heart disease but also had many complications from being diabetic. Cronic nerve pain in his back and feet made him retire at 63. He had a heart bypass at 58 and should have retired then but my mother said his disability payments would not be enough to live on. As it was she was crying when he took early retirement stating “she was used to being taken care of better than this!” I told her maybe it was time she worked for a while ( she was 59 ).
I am seriously thinking about contacting the insurance and just starting on the insulin pump. I am not sure what they will pay and I know it cost about $1000 a month.
I have Debbie in the guest room sleeping. She had a long trip and of course downtown was packed with people from the marithon but we stopped for a bite and now she is resting. The weather is beautiful and camping was really nice. Wish I had planned better but thats life-10 things to do or nothing to do.
Trying to pick up a bit without waking Deb.
Work is still strange. With a new assistant trying to make her way and a new manager it is like having strangers in the house. So far so good but this manager “talks the sales talk” which I find so phony it makes me a bit crazy. He has now stated a 2nd time that he should buy me “Rosetta Stone” so I can speak spanish. ( That a language learning program) The next time I am going to tell him when I move to Mexico I will welcome that as a gift! Sorry but I would not move to a foreign country and expect them to speak english. I find his remark raicist but I am trying not to get off on the wrong foot with him so so far I have smiled and laughed it off.
Looking foward to my week off!
bettie

[bettie]

Having a lovely visit with Deb. We shopped till we droped yesterday! At at the Cheesecake Factory yesterday, will do deep dish pizza tonight before we go see a Broadway show about Julia Child called “To Master the Art”. Deb loves to cook so I thought she would enjoy this one. I don’t go downtown much so this will be an adventure.
Wish you all were here!
bettie

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Sounds like you girls are having fun! It’s a pretty safe bet that Debbie will enjoy that play, and you probably will as well. I’d be tempted to say to your manager that you would be willing to learn Spanish but that it would have to be on work time, as you are so busy when you’re not working. I bet he wouldn’t bring it up again. Hope you and Debbie have an awesome time together! Carole

[paul315]

Good morning Bettie,

Sorry to log on after such a long absence and read about your troubles, but it is also good to see that you are still working on recovery and progressing in this positive side of your life. Diabetes may be a progressive disease that seemingly keeps advancing no matter what , but recovery does allow us to move forward and see progress unless we choose to let gambling take over again.

In a way I am a little reluctant to post to you, hoping that others will not feel slighted or forgotten; they are not, it is just that there are so many that have helped me it would be too difficult to post to or mention all. So my few post today is actually going out to all with gratitude for all that each has given me in my road of recovery. Thanks to all, my thoughts continue to be with each and every one here.

In reading some of your post I find that your comment above can relates to “Today’s thought from Hazelden” sent by Ken L and copied below, in that feeling sorry for yourself is not all bad if you accept and react to the reasons in a positive way.

God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep on keeping on.

Your friend Larry

———————————————————————

Today’s thought from Hazelden

Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgment of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you’re going to do about it.
–Kathleen Casey Theisen

Recovery offers us courage to make choices about the events of our lives. Passive compliance with whatever is occurring need no longer dominate our pattern of behavior. Powerlessly watching our lives go by was common for many of us, and our feelings of powerlessness escalated the more idle we were.

Today, action is called for — thoughtful action in response to the situations begging for our attention. Recovery’s greatest gift is the courage to take action, to make decisions that will benefit us as well as the people who are close to us. Courage is the byproduct of our spiritual progress, courage to accept what we cannot change, believing that all will be well, courage to change in ourselves what we do have control over.

An exhilaration about life accompanies the taking of action. The spell that idleness casts over us is broken, and subsequent actions are even easier to take. Clearly, making a choice and acting on it is healthful. The program has given us the tools to do both.

Decisions will be called for today. I will be patient with myself, and thoughtful. I will listen closely to the guidance that comes from those around me.

[bettie]

Whatever “normal” is.
Deb is home safe and sound. It is quite here now. The kitties looked for her at first and now they are sleeping somewhere. She told me she was glad she was CG or she would have never met me. The same it true for me too. It’s that “gift of recovery” that we sometimes forget about. I am more fortunate than some as I have had the honor and privledge of meeting “Jules to my friends”, Carole, “Reds”, Larry, Deb, Cat – not to mention holiday cards from Kathryn and weekly calls to my sanity keeper Laura. I am also so greatful to have found Vera, Rg, Lizbeth, Sherry, “Neva” and the lovely miss P-the perpectual cheerleader for all of us! Like Larry I don’t want to slight anyone and I know that I have missed quite a few of you so feel free to post and tell me that I didn’t mention you. Maybe we can figure out a time when we can all jump on the open chat and catch up. That is something I miss, the open chat. When I was new I would pop on as soon as i got home in the hope of seeing an old friend ( Cully21, Salina, Kin, Vtc just to name a few ). All players in the game, all support to me when I got here. All essential in my recovery. What you have taught me I shared with the next guy-and you all made me look smart! lol!
Guess with this set up Larrys post to me is up where I posted last week-and it seems I missed RG’s post from last week too!
I will figure this out but I guess if you reply to a certain post thats where the reply will go so go to the last post!
I did call the insurance and there is one insulin pump they will pay for. I think I will just go for it. The new insulin is “non propritory” and the insurance will only pay a small portion so thats out of the question. I just can’t pay for it. The up side is that with the pump I will not have to test my sugar 4 -6 times a day ( the strips cost $1 each-AFTER insurance ) and the insulin lasts for at least 3 days so one stick vs 16 injections and 12-18 sugar tests.
There is an upside even though I hate the whole idea.
It sure is quite here at home tonight.
bettie

[vera]

Sorry to hear that you have to use an insulin pump, B, but it could be worse.
Everything “could be worse”, so all we can do is look at life in a positive light. Connect with hopeful people. Count our blessings and laugh at Life!
It sure is one big mystery!
( I’m adding Marilee, Brit, MissingMe , Fandangos,Shaky, Judy (Warrior), Pam, EG, EJ, Izzi, Flyora,Tim and many, many others ABOVE ALL GEORDIE to the “oldtimers” list.)
Where is everybody?
I miss the good old chats we all enjoyed in the past and all the laughs.
Maybe we will arrange that get together in person someday and play “GUESS WHO”!

[cat438]

Bettie I am so happy that you had Debbie visiting you and that you had such a great time!!! I have been following you on fb and I think I would have put on weight if I had been there with all the awesome “eating places” you visited. I think my favourite would have been the “Cheesecake Factory”. I always find after I have visitor’s staying and they leave that the house is so quiet and I can get a big down in the dumps missing them. I hope that the insulin pump makes it easier on you and help to keep your diabetes under control more. It is true there are some positives from being a cg and that is the wonderful people that you meet in recovery. I have decided that all cg’s are just such caring people and that is our problem. Wishing you a wonderful day free of gambling!!!

[bettie]

Nice to see your post Vera and Cat!
Sorry Ell, my phone froze on the chat and now I am on my friends PC but you are gone!
I did see the diabetic nurse yesterday and got some good info.
I called the insurance yesterday and the pump cost-hold on to your hats-$5800 usd! I would be covered 100% as I have met all my out of pocket expenses for this year. The machine has suppiles that of course are not reusable and cost about $600 every 3 months. After I hit my deductable ($250) in January I will have to pay about $60 of that. The insulin wil cost me aout $250 every 3 months so no break there.
I spent the night at my friends place and we will goof around today. Tomorrow I am making a ham and having my brother over for the Bears game ( Hey deb-da bears!). I was trying to teach Deb to talk like a chicagoian when she was here! LOL!
bettie

[bettie]

Female G, Collin need to go on that list too!!

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! When I read the price of the insulin pump, and then that you would be covered for it all, I breathed a sigh of relief. But honestly, I don’t know how Americans can afford what they have to pay for healthcare. Great that you and Deb had such a good time together. How was the play? Carole

[p]

Hi Bettie
I am glad you are getting the insulin pump sorted. Thank god you dont have to pay for that. Good to see you and Debbie had so much fun. I always love hearing when friends get together and the adventures. Have a good time with your brother. I know you will enjoy watching that game.
P

[bettie]

Talk about procrastnation! I should be running around here cleaning and getting the ham in the oven!
Back to work tomorrow. Need to get to a store today and get some lunch stuff.
Either the cats or back and neck pain wake me up every day. The medical stuff is just overwhelming at this point. Staying organized is not my strong point but I have to get it together. I am taking the short lasting insulin for now, waiting for the pump to come then getting training on how to use it. It makes me nausious but I guess that will pass.
The play was interesting and fun. I didn’t know Julia Childs life history or that it took 10 years to get her first cookbook out. I do prefer musicals when I go to a stage play so next time it will be one of those.
bettie

[trulyshi]

I miss you soooooooo much. Thank you for the wonderful time, it was so hard to go back to work yesterday. Bill tasted the barbeque sauce and had such a blissful look on his face, lol. As I told you, one of the very positive things that came out of my addiction was meeting you. If I wasn’t a cg then we would have never met and I am so glad you are a part of my life. There will be many more trips and a lifetime of friendship. Luv ya Thelma. xxxxoooo Louise

[bettie]

Got a $15 bid on your book Deb!
Glad you were in last week because we are freezing this week. Maybe snow-just a touch. Guess I am ready as ever.
I thought I was managing the new med ok, that was until 3am when i woke with insulin reaction. Not a bad one but enough to scare the crap out of me. I hate that I just don’t know what to do. It will come with time but scary none the less.
Got a text today from a gf. She’s the one who lost her namesake niece last year to sucide. The mom of the girl, her sister, died yesterday am from natural causes. She was 55. So So Sad!
bettie

[bettie]

I did a test chat with Deb last week. I signed in and so did she. I kept getting error messages but Deb could “see” me. I use AOL so I signed in with internet explorer. As soon as I was able to see GT a pop up for online casinos came up. Deb was on the phone-laughing and yelling at me “what the heck are you doing??” Every time I tried to close it a new pop up started again. After closing that window a new one would start. After about 6 tries I was finaly able to close it for good and get on the chat. I thought maybe a one time error but I have tried again with the same result.
I hope that only happens to me and not an online gambler looking for help.
bettie

[vera]

So sorry to hear about the death of your friend B! Only 55!
Scary!
I don’t get it about the online casino pop ups! Thank God, I’m not technical.
My daughter (in Oz) often says “let’s Skype” but it never happened! I do get a lot of Skype pop ups though, mainly from army guys in the U S. I cant figure how that happens and I won’t try!
I loved what you wrote about “Taking the poison and hoping it will kill the other person”, B.
I wanted to punish hubby and son yesterday. They were going against me big time just to be awkward.
I thought “I ll shut them up by disappearing and do my own thing!” Then I remembered your” poison “analogy and decided to come home and stuff myself with food instead.
More stinkin’ thinkin’, but at least it didn’t cost me a Grand!

[bettie]

Thanks for the post Vera. I know I have not posted much lately. I am still reading and trying to keep up but don’t feel like I have much to say.
My brother called yesterday and he is layed off again. He is very depressed. Took him 4 days to tell me and he is concerned about telling his daughter. She is the one dealing with mental illiness. She went back to school in the fall and is barely holding her own. I told him to be “care free” about the layoff as she will react to how he is feeling more than the fact that he is out of work right now.
Life is complicated sometimes. I think we make things worse dweling on what we can’t control vs what we can do to be proactive. I am in that spot too right now. My physical therapy has still not been paid by the insurance and they are sending me letters. I did leave them a voice mail but have not gotten a call back. I need to address this but I get tyed in a knot just thinking about it.
I am still waiting for my insulin pump. I will have to see an educator to learn to use it. I need to see my eye doctor and lung doctor. i need a cat scan on my lungs which I have put off for about 2 years! I will make that call today-even if I don’t get anything else done.
I was ill most of yesterday. I had insulin reaction-again-at 3am and didn’t sleep well Wednesday night. I feel better today which is good since I work until 6pm then off to my meeting.
I wish I could retire. I am so tired!
bettie

[vera]

Sounds as if you should be off work, B, with all those health problems. Its only since I stopped working that I realise how much I ve been pushing myself and then I would gamble as a reward for my efforts!
Crazy!
I hope another job turns up for your brother. It’s the same here in Ireland. People losing jobs every week. My job was very secure but unfortunately I had to cut my losses because it was taking it’s toll on my health. Not worth the money if it’s killing you . They still have not done the calculations for my benefits so I’m in Limbo,living a frugal life but not short of anything thank God! We don’t know how lucky we are materially compared to other countries,but for me and you too B,
HEALTH IS WEALTH!

[cat438]

so sorry that you are having health problems Bettie. I hope that you get the physical therapy thing sorted out as all the stress is not good for you either. I am sorry to hear about your brother being laid off as I am sure he is stressed out about it. I don’t know it just sometimes feels like one thing after an other. It is difficult not to worry about things and let them go, but worrying does not solve the problems. I am saying this for my benefit as much as yours Bettie. I have been feeling a bit lazy lately, not motivated to do things. It comes and goes and the sun is shining today and that always helps.
Your team is playing our team today!!!! I am going to watch the game on TV. It would be so much fun to watch it together!!!
Chin up and smile, and the whole world smiles with you…. I don’t know where that came from.. Take care and look after yourself Bettie!!!

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! I’m sorry to hear that your friend died, and that your brother is laid off from work! I hope the lay-off is temporary and that he goes back to work very soon, or gets another job! That has to be worrisome for all family members. Your brother has had more than his share of stress in the past year, with his daughter. Sorry to hear that you are having those insulin reactions, and that you are going to have to have the insulin pump. I agree with Vera that it does sound like you should be on sick leave, but knowing how your workplace operates, it doesn’t sound like they encourage staff to take good care of themselves. Sounds like it’s ALL about operational requirements! If your cats are waking you up during the night, maybe you could consider having them sleep somewhere other than your room. My cats sleep at the end of my bed but if they started waking me up, I would banish the “beggars” to another room. I need my sleep! I hope that your health stabilizes with the new mode of insulin delivery! I hope that you get positive results from seeing the eye and lung doctor. Carole

[bettie]

Thanks for the posts Gals!
What a day! i think the moon must be full as every one is crazy.
The asst manager got on my nerves-I went to leave some paperwork for her on her back counter and she was with a customer. No big deal-or so I thought. She says, in front of the customer, What are you doing? I said I was trying to leave the paperwork for her as the manager had asked and I needed to put something in the binder. She made me feel so stupid! I didn’t interupt her or say anything, I just wanted to get the stuff to her. I finished what I had to do and left asap saying a sheepish “sorry” as I left. I thought what a *itch! OK, I should have waited, and I was going to address that with her and apologise. Before that could happen she went running to the manager who comes to me and has something to say. He said she said I was unprofessional and the customer was upset saying “who it that?” I couldn’t help it and I told him the customer didn’t say a word-and she blew it out of proportion. I also said i found it unprofessional on her part talking to me like a kid in front of a customer-and this wasn’t the first time either.
Long story short he was diplomatic about it. Me, I did my best not to cry because I was 2 seconds from it.
I did my best to steer clear of her as I didn’t want to say something I would regret.
After lunch she had to come to me. If was rather funny as she was very meek amd mild because she had to open a retirement account and of course she doesn’t know how. I was cool- I said sure no problem I can help you. i was more than nice to her and the rest of the day went smoothly.
He who laughs last right?
My brother called-he is downstate helping my oldest brother put in kitchen cabinets. His work called him back ( Thank You Jesus!) but of course he was out of town. He is coming home tomorrow but twisted his ankle today!
It’s just been one of those days!
bettie

[bettie]

Oh Carole! I meant to tell you the cats rule the roost around here! I can’t lock them out as they beat on the door and cry if I do. That drives me more crazy than being woke up!
they are spoiled and i am a pushover!
bettie

[p]

Hi there, just want to say that i am glad about the situation at work where she then had to come ask you for help… what timing hey! You are doing well with all you are going through right now Bettie, good on you and i hope your health starts to improve with the insulin..

P

ps, my cat rules the roost too hehe meow

[bettie]

it pours for sure!
Got to give my cat Tiger some credit here. He has woke me twice this week and both times I was having a low sugar (insulin) reaction. Today he was most insistant , purring, poking and licking my face. Sure enough he was not letting me go back to sleep. I got up and started shaking right away. I took a reading and I was dangerously low. I do believe he can sense when I am in trouble which is a good thing.
I am still quite frustrated with trying to manage this new insulin. I finally got in tough with someone from the supplier for the insulin pump and insurance has said they won’t pay for it. I got a phone number for the Dr to call to appeal. I know they don’t want to pay because I have met my deductuable and if they stall long enough I will have to pay $1250 out of pocket. Well if thats the case it just won’t happen as I don’t have it to spend.
I pulled a musicle putting on a pair of tights Tuesday morning. My right bycept made a very loud “POP” and has hurt ever since. I do believe it is a pull and not a tear as it doesn’t feel too bad today and there is no bruse.
Like I said, when it rains it pours!
Ok, done venting – for now!
bettie

[desdemona]

(((Bettie))) It just seems to never end for you! You seem to have to fight for everything you need for your health. I hope that payment for the insulin pump gets sorted out soon, as you don’t need anymore stress. Sounds like you have a working cat now! Your cat has the ability to sense/smell when you are having an insulin reaction. I really hope that you can get your glucose levels stabilized soon. How is work going?? Carole

[p]

Hi Bettie

That is so cute that your cat is looking out for you. They are so beautiful our animals..

P

[bettie]

Ok I am sure at this point you may think I am just making it up but I swear to God it is true!
I saw the chropratic today. My bicep is brused-I could not see it. He palapated my arm he can confirm I have at least a small tear in my bicep. He told me to call my orthopedic and get his opinion. He said if I was going to have it repaired it would need to be soon as it will feel better but I will have limited lifting ability going foward. I am curious as to what the ortho will want to do. While I still have 3 months full paid sick leave I do not have family leave of absence until next May. ( You get 12 weeks in a “rolling” year.) What that means is if I am off I have no guarentee of a job when I return. I have cost the company a ton of money this year with my surgery. I can see where they would want to get rid of me.
I am feeling really depressed about this-oh, and my arm hurts!
bettie

[lizbeth4]

Bettie, I am sorry that you are having health issues. I can understand how you would be depressed, but stay strong. You have to take care of your health first! I hope you can get some relief (pain) when you see the Ortho. Take care and I will be praying for you.

[vera]

Your health comes before your job, B.
We are all only numbers! Statistics!
Nobody will take care of you, only yourself.
Be prudent and take your sick leave. Your taxes entitle you to do what is best for your health. It will cost more in the long run if you neglect this issue.
It won’t get better without treatment so go for the ortho appointment asap!

[bettie]

Thats for sure V but this is yet another gambling related issue coming back to bite me in the backside.
Without a job I would be on the streets and quick. No savings, no retirement money to speak of-because I gambeled it away. It takes years to get social security disability. I just don’t know what would become of me. ( and even if I did I would only get $1300 a month-barely enough to pay my 2 mortgages-and not near enough to even buy food )
I did call the ortho after hours and I left a message. He is super busy-not sure how quickly he will see me.
The pain is not too bad liz-I just have to watch how I turn my arm and not lift with the right side. The left is still weak so I am freaking out a bit. Guess it was good that I got that fixed or frankly I would be in big trouble right now.
God is good!
bettie

[bettie]

Well I did get into the ortho today. Looks like I no longer have a bicept-I have 1/2 – cept. It tore from the top near the shoulder and is now rolled into a ball of sorts. They call is “Popeye Syndrome”-no joke and no repair is needed. it should stop hurting in about 6-8 weeks and I will be left with a bit of a deformatity. As the Dr said, um not to be insulting, but since you have rather large arms it won’t be so noticable.
Good thing I am big and fat.