[Monica1]

Hi all
I have set up a new thread as I know how difficult it is to trawl through reams of posts and I also wanted to differentiate to see how the next 100 days go. The first 100 days were summarised as

Deep depression
Realising I had lost a lot more than money
Physical health
issues as a result of financial and other stresses
Getting financial advice which is bankruptcy but needs a charitable grant todo,so
A hospital stay
Poverty and destitution but I am still holding,on to my home by a thread
Realising how destructive this addiction is
Finding support and fellowship here on this site and at GA although giving GA a break as my personal situation is very distressing
Participating in a film on the cruelty of this government
Realising I cannot survive on benefits and eat, with fuel rent rent arrears and the bedroom tax, it is all gone.

Here’s to the next 100 days progress

[Monica1]

Well, been awake all night. Mind whirring. Watched films on the poor and disabled in this country. There is grass roots anger including me, and as soon as I get on my feet, I am joining the Labour Party and becoming active in the fight to rid ourselves of this parasitic Government.
I rang my Gp and despite being told that the surgery was really busy, was surprised to get a call back from my own doctor who is a kind and caring person, the type that makes you feel better just be speaking to them. I was so grateful for this. She has written a further medical certificate for 6 weeks as still not had the results of the colonoscopy and I need to go and have lung function done prior to giving up the last addiction. Got w text from the lady From GA who,said, forget GA, just to call her for a chat which I will do later. What ismagitting me so much is the thought that I might get stuck like this. My housing association were going on about claiming for PIP and I thought whoa neddy, this is not long term.i said to my doc that my aim was to get back to work ASAP but I acknowledged that right Now with all the financial pressures, bailiffs, dealing with creditors i cannot do this right now.

[Monica1]

Well, all the plans of today went somewhat awry. After Being awake all night until midday slept till half past five. I find an egg sandwich by my bed which Pete must have put there. Goes with the egg sarnis of yesterday and the day before that. I am feeling grateful for it.

I am feeling deeply reflective. I can see that the world likes to pigeonhole and label,people you are this, you are that. I am feeling that, particularlyeith the depression label,but I am also feeling my spirit rise and refuse to have a label or a situation that has a prolonged stuckness about it, Reall, we are so much more than those things. Who are we?

Ultimately we are a soul going to God. That is the destiny of all souls. We are born with certain spiritual blueprints and soul lessons ie what we need to learn in this life. For me it is quite simple. Fit and foremost I need to,earn to love myself and the. To love others. My choices in life hsve reflecte on occasion my lack of love for myself. At other times I have sorted in life and done very well. One of the best days in my life was in front of my father when I won every single race on sports day, about five 1sts. I had been second the year before beaten by a rival. The difference was that final year was that I had trained myself alone in the woods every night and so really trained myself to win. That tells me a lot about myself that that level of persistence and perhaps competition is a part of who I am. As I have gotten older I have los the competitive element but still have the persistence. I think what I am saying is that I refuse to be pigeonholed. I find this enforced period of health issues and depression difficult, very difficult. I am impatient and want things to move on, and I realise they will intheirown time. I have always liked to go out into the world but I have deliberately isolated myself for a long time now. Part of this is related to self esteem I think and the current lack of funds. I am determined to not let all this define me.
My sponsor texted and said he understood why i needed a break. I said I would see hiM in around a weeks time. I need this headspace to just work out in me what is what. Yesterday I was this woman who is just falling apart and I suppose I will have other days where I feel the same. Today I am thinking like idi, keep it simple. I have missed posting on idis thread and need to do that. We did write down a set of headers for a hope and recovery plan so I will write down what I have done across each in the next thread.

[i-did-it]

Monica ,
I have been going through a dry spell with posting- there is no pressure – sometimes it seems we have so much to say and other times it’s hard to think of anything – that’s ok!

I don’t really know much about depression but it seems to me that yours is enforced by your circumstances – I see a lady who when she has a few quid is motivated to go and get nice food and cook nice meals . That sounds like depression caused by lack of funds
Have you given any more thought to living with your daughter – cud she hold off on rent and give u a chance to build up some funds to kick start your life ? If you no longer need a deposit could your son still give you the money .
It seems to me you have A few options – I am guessing you are like me – a bit of money in your pocket lifts your mood.

Sorry i know depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain so if I’m way off please forgive me!

[Monica1]

Exercise and health
I have arranged for lung function to be done by docs before I can assess where I can go with exercise. I have had one walk in the park. I have signalled my desire to my Gp to cease all addictions, the primary one being the smokes.
Finances
Quite a lot here and I don’t mind being open about it, serves as a record
I have rung companies house who inform me that the revenue after two and a half years are still refusing to liquidate my company.
I have stopped a magistrates order from entering my home with the electricity board
I have emailed my financial inclusion officer from housing to notify her that 1.it is not possible to survive on the benefit I have. Internet goes soon so I will ring my son and ask him if he can pay this. The bedroom tax of 80 a month makes all the difference here. She is going to try and get me a grant to declare bankruptcy and also ask the bailiffs to back off. This would be a huge relief. I think part of my depressed mood this week has been around realising I cannotsurvive on benefits and the rather confronting situation I had with the bailiffs last Friday.
I have stopped court action from the tv licensing people but they want six pounds a week for the pleasure.
Self esteem
This has suffered. I was shocked with how I looked on the tv, ie slightly haunted with the shadows under the eyes. An early lesson for me was the effect of poverty on mental and physical health. I learned this as a child and then again all the way up to late thirties when very slowly over two decades steadily began to have a lot more money and by mid fifties had a lot of money.
Work
A couple of things s have come in but too far away and can’t afford the expense. I am Keeping my work options open. If something good comes up I will take it .
Social and relationships
I have arranged to see my daughter for dinner on my birthday where we will look at options going forward. Of everyone, my daughter gets it all. All the women in our family really get it and have a Lot,of emotional intelligence.
I am a bit,upset, amazing how these thins can bother you, and happen to me at least once a year. My sister has sent me a recorded delivery for my birthday which has not arrived and the post office have it as signed for. As peter griffin in family guy says this sort of thing really grinds my gears. It is being investigated though but will take three days.
So that is the plan,which is simple. Sometimes it seems like one step forward and one back but taking it one day at a time. The agitation of earlier has passed. I think I was very glad to speak to you own doctor who really is a wonderful person and a great role model. As any e who knows me, my role model portfolio in life has been a big like finding an oasis in a desert so if I was ever asked who do I look up to, it would be her.

[Monica1]

Thanks for posting. I posted the plan and then saw your post which I appreciate. And yes you are right re the depression. It is one of the reasons the doctor won’t give me anti depressants. It is all circumstantial. I did tell her about the film though. For some reason it is important for me to tell selected people about it. My doc says she sees a lot of poverty related mental and physical health issues. I wonder why when all of my learning around poverty has been to to eradicate it over two decades that I created it again In such a big way. I will get to the bottom of this and ensure it never happens again

[Анонимен]

Monica I never have called Jonny a liar.

I have said I don’t believe him. If I knew for certain, beyond doubt he was lying I would call him a liar. I ‘m not saying he has deliberately told lies with any ulterior motive in mind.

I have said I don’t believe him, that is my opinion. My opinion based on what he has wrote, and how I interprat that.

Why I think that is glaringly obvious to me. But not to anybody else apparently.

When Jonny was at crisis point prior to day 1 he said he was 20 000 in debt. He said it would take him 1-2 years to get out of this debt.

That debt was cleared on day175 of his recovery. It sounded suspicious to me.

Jonny claims I cannot add 2 + 2 and get 4. But I can work out that to repay 20 000 back in little under 6 months means repayments of approx. 3 300 a month.

This is what I could not understand. If he’s been able to pay it back at that rate how could he make such a gross miscalculation?

Over the course of our heated debates Jonny has shared he earns a six figure sum most years. So how could he estimate it would take 1 to 2 years to repay 20 000 of debt with such a big income?

I did ask him to explain this to me last night so as I could understand him. I do want to believe him.

He did try to explain but I still can’t understand. Last year, Jonny told me, he earned 85K the lowest he’s earned in 6 years.

I appreciate he had no savings, I appreciate he was on the sick, with his back at the time. However he knew he’d be back to work within a few months, and earning his money again.

After 20 years of compulsive gambling, and all the trimmings that can come with it Jonny said he calculates he’s lost 425K gambling. That is a shocking amount and about 4 times his current salary. But at least at the end of it the debt he had equates to about two months’ worth of his annual salary. It’s not nice and of course I can see where his disappointment and anger with himself on making that realisation comes from.

He is fortunate in the fact he hasn’t left himself in debt of many times his annual salary. Like a lot of CG’s have.Many would be pleased to finally come to their senses and leave gambling behind and be in debt of only a couple of months’ worth of salary.

You posted the other day that you had on occasion mis-calculated, your debts because you have so many, me too. It’s easy done.

Jonny hadn’t miscalculated his debt though, I’m afraid I can’t believe a clever bloke, such as he is, would make such a mis-calculation.

This is the main thing I have said I don’t believe.

If Jonny wants to post the chat transcript in the forum that’s his call. I never tried to belittle him in any way, shape, or form. And we spoke for a lot more than a few minutes, another lie. If either of us is intentionally trying to belittle the other it aint me.

You ask why I felt the need to attack Jonny the way I did.

Because you’re asking I’ll answer but I don’t want to respond to Jonnys questions my replies will be similar to previous ones, and I think we’ll just end up going round in circles..

If you’ve read the posts on my thread Monica you will see a week before he suggested to 3raser she invest in stocks and shares, I posted to him that I thought he’d written one of the most sensible posts I’ve ever read on this site.

Go and read the post on his other thread. Brilliant makes sense.

When he suggested to 3raser about the stocks and shares I took exception to that. I don’t think anybody will convince me stocks and shares, even those in low yield, low risk diverse portfolios, is not gambling. Ask Velvet how many people she’s encountered over the years that lives have been ruined because their loved ones dabbled in „safe“ stocks and shares.

I found it quite crass for him to suggest replacing one form of gambling with another. Tantamount to me saying to an alcoholic, “Stop drinking whisky here have this wine” or saying to you, “Monica those slots have ruined you why not just have £2 footy bets”

That’s what lead to me posting a strongly worded comment on his thread, the first time. He couldn’t understand my point of view or didn’t understand it, and responded quite harshly. I should have walked away then, I wish I had.

Then recently he posted on Tina’s thread that he wasn’t sure why she should tell her partner, if she could manage to quit gambling and repay her 60 000 debt off without her partner’s knowledge.

Two bad things about posting that. If Tina had been posing the question “should I tell my partner” I could understand him expressing his view. She was already cock sure she was going to tell her partner though, I’m worried that in her situation at the minute his thoughtless comment has put doubt in her mind about telling her partner. With the exception of Jonny every single person who has posted to Tina has supported and encouraged her to help her make this big step. Most of us have had to do it, it’s a very hard thing to do. For many, I would think the majority it has been the first major step to a life in recovery.

Also if Jonny was so worried and angry at the start of his journey, and figured it would take him up to two years to repay his 20 000 debt on his six figure salary. How could he possibly imagine anyone could pay 60 000 of debt off hiding the fact from their partner?

Just for the record Monica I havn’t trawled through Jonnys posts looking for things to pick faults with him. I read his journals start to finish all because of the post about the stocks and shares.

I am going to do my best to avoid Jonny, this situation is not a healthy one. I’ve answered this to you because you asked me two genuine questions.

Suffice to say I stand by everything I’ve said.

[Monica1]

Thanks for taking the time out to post and answer my question. I am sure you will have seen Mavericks post on the subject. The bottom line on the debt issue and the time it takes to repay it is so what? Why is it so important? To me it really isn’t. I don’t get that.

Now on the stocks issue I agree with you but I respect others views to not agree with that and maybe a friendly caution would have sufficed. When I stopped gambling I was bombarded with the stocks and trading thing but very quickly discarded it on exactly the same basis as you describe. I personally would have lost control very quickly and you are right to urge caution. For most CGs stock trading is a definite no no. There are also,so many many sharks out there who will take our Money similar to a casino.

And your view on Tina telling her partner is equally valid. I can’t comment. I don’t have a partner and in any relationship I have always controlled the money as I’ve been the earner. How times change (nostalgic sigh). I only became a gambling addict when my children were all in their thirties and had long flown the nest. So I won’t comment cos I don’t have that knowledge and experience of having to do that. I can see both viewpoints equally and I,would probably struggle with both in making a decision if it was me. But I,would think on balance the most sensible thing to do actually is to tell your partner as how can you have a trusting and honest relationship without doing so?

This is about possibly showing our disagreement with something whilst trying not to antagonise the other person. To,sHow assertion and not aggression. If we are being aggressive and defensive, then why are we doing that? What is making us angry about this dialogue or situation? What is it about the other persons view that we find so disagreeable? Mind you put a Tory up there spouting their views and I would probaly go off at the deep end or most likely just walk away and not be able to tolerate what they say. So what does that say about me? I think they are liars and that makes me angry so whilst I feel like that I can’t engage constructively without walking away and trying to get a more balanced approach.
I don’t care about seeing a transcript,of the discussion as it simply is not that important.. No one has a point to prove to anyone. There is no right person or wrong person in this. what I do get with you from all of this is that honesty and self honesty are very important to you as they are to most of us to one degree or another.
My first long term partner and dad of two of my kids was someone that if you disagreed with him as he thought he was the fount of all spiritual wisdom, would take the argument to the nth degree and by fair means or foul would strive over the course of days or weeks to win the argument or point of debate. He just would never let it go and it was a means of control to show that he was top dog and the dominant presence in the family. I found it an incredibly disagreeable trait as did my kids. The need to be right and to do anything that would prove they are right. He was a hippy spiritual guru saving souls whilst at the same time having a skInhead inside of him. We would often describe him as such. Part of my life learning was essentially to stand up to it and for myself and leave. He would never change andd believe me it was ugly. I am not saying that this is the case here at all. For some reason this situation just reminded me of that. But I feel good for my own reasons just to document that as to how it was, more,for me than for the subject I am talking about. Part of the learning to loving myself scenario. Women who need to learn to love themselves often end up with very challenging men who push those particular buttons. This. Is of course the past and and not relevant to me now and for a long time now.

Basically, everyone likes and respects both of you on here. O flick is ok as long as it gets resolved and leads to greater understanding for all parties. Polarised views can meet in the middle sometimes or agree to disagree and nit feel any the worse in themselves for not being able to not reach a agreement, or,for holding a different view. That was something my ex never got, agree to disagree, he was always right.

[i-did-it]

I am blown away by your abilities Monica-
In awe-

[Monica1]

I was just thinking before your post came up that once you said to me, maybe God had put us on each other’s path. Probably at the time when I was going through the where is he in all this hoo ha scenario. Because I have actually gained a huge amount from knowing you idi and I am so glad our paths crossed. Somehow on line you can feel the essence and true nature of the person and who they are inside and there is something amazing About you. . Next week when I do self esteem I shall put idi in that category cos In one evening you have helped to restore my shattered, and I mean shattered, self esteem somewhat. Maybe it is your work with children. My inner child was certainly hurting and possibly you Are able to speak to the child in us that needs healing. Well, whatever, just a theory lol. I think you have s true gift for the job you do in life and on this site.

[Анонимен]

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post Monica. I’m not going to make any comment on the subject.

i watched your vid, well bits but seen you, you portrayed a very well balanced lady. I didn’t watch it thoroughly but am just about to.

I have left a message with harry on helpline mon, if you can contact him assoon as you can, it would be great. I will be asleep by 1pm..im dropping off now..ive been awake since 9 am yestarday, tiring night at work

[Monica1]

Woke up at my usual lunchtime to the sound of the doorbell and it was the postman with the card from my sister. Pleased about this. It contained a 25 pound monsoon gift card. Nearly all my clothes are from monsoon although I haven’t really bought anything this year bought anything this year, whereas before it was a a heap every season. This was so thoughtful. It gave me glimpses of who I used to be and for some reason made me feel exceptionally lucky and blessed. Pete then bought me a chicken sandwich so I again feel blessed. What would appear to be very small things when you have nothing are indeed blessings. I think this is an Important lesson in the art of appreciation. Like also I notice where people are coming from and the kindnesses. Like my doctor. Reception tell me she is too busy and then I get a call from her within an hour. Small kindnesses make the world of difference to someone in need. Need to go out to Gp surgery now if I can summon u,the energy to leave my cocoon.

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica,
What were you saying about wise women? Look in the mirror!

I’d say you are pretty spot on. And not to keep stirring this pot but here is what I will add. I personally don’t think Geordie is coming from a place of needing or wanting to be right. I think he is coming from the a place where his gut is telling him he is right and he only wants to save others from the further damage they may cause themselves. But we can’t save everyone! I totally agree that it should have been addressed as a gentle correction on the thread where the suggestion was made. Both men believes themselves totally. Only time will tell. And I’m willing to let time tell. You can’t force recovery on someone. No matter how many times we fall and no matter how much we want to save people from further pain. Sometimes we just have to let things be and take their course. That has been part of all our journey’s. Peace everyone!
Laura

[finding_laura]

Great post Monica. That looks like a whole bunch of steps! I think you just did a little sprint even 🙂 You asked me how long. We are each in our own situation. But i would say when you look back after the next hundred days you will be amazed. I think I finally felt good and at a happy place in myself about a year into recovery. But it was gradual. Try not think too far ahead. The days will come. And financially you will recover faster than me once you are back to work. Health first, then the sky is the limit!
have a good day, pamper yourself however you can!
Laura

[finding_laura]

Love how you describe who we are and why we are on this earth. Very close to my thoughts on that topic as well. This won’t define you in totality. But this period of your life will add to who you are. And pity help the gov when you are firing on all cylinders!
Laura

[finding_laura]

The little things continue to make up a lot of my world. So grateful for all that I have but mostly for the people in my life.

(((( Monica))))

I have done a few posts above in response to specific topics so they didn’t post to the end of the thread.

Have a lovely evening
Laura

[Анонимен]

I agree whole heartadly, with all that you say.

I am quite ashamed and embarassed of myself, that I didn’t conduct myself with more restraint about the whole thing.

But that was yesterday. It’s now in the past, the best I can do, (and all concerned ), is learn from the whole scenario.

[Monica1]

Very helpful post, ty. Well, I didn’t make it to the docs but it can wait till Monday. It’s a wee bit cold outside. Thanks for the advice about your recovery ie length of time. The first three months have certainly been emotionally painful and full of obstacles. But I look forward to the next three cos I know I cannot stay like this forever and something in me will keep that flame of hope alive even when the emotional stuff arises, as it does. Thanks also re the explanation as to Geordies motivation. I told that story about my ex because it reminded me of it and not to say that it applies to this situation. One of the things I have experienced in this period is a lot of life memories surfacing. Not sure why this is happening but I am sure it is for a reason. Now on the trivia side, I don’t understand all the brackets round a name. What does that mean? Thanks!

[Monica1]

Well, pete grumpy and gave me a small bit of his dinner and said that he was getting fed up with my situation. Well, he is t the only one. What on earth does he expect me to do? This daily survival. Ode is very difficult. Good job i can go without food for a while. If I must say the hunger pangs hit me this evening.

[finding_laura]

((((. )))) are virtual hugs. Well bless him. Isn’t he the squatter? You’d think he’d share his food since you kept a roof over his head. Wish I could zap you a grocery card. I don’t like the sound of hunger pangs! Winding down for the night. Hope Pete is in a better mood tomorrow! Grrrr. L

[finding_laura]

I hope you are getting some well needed rest! I’ve asked the support line to pass on my contact info. Please drop me a line. laura

[kin]

Dear Monica,
You are worth it!
Psalm 69:6
Everyone is like a pot that carries life. But not everyone carries a presence that blesses others. Religion tries to force people to follow laws to make them perfect, like pots without cracks. But if a light is put within a flawless pot and then covered, no one is able to see the light inside the pot. Perfect pots are not able to reveal internal light to illumine the way for others.
God chooses to shine through imperfect, cracked pots.
People are blessed when their cracked pots let the light of God shine through.
Choose to be a glory filled, cracked pot rather than an empty, pretty vessel.

[Monica1]

You know, I have just surfaced after going to sleep at 6am. Pete has left me some chocolate biscuits, nice with my coffee. The very first thing I think about is trying to define where I am, aside from the obvious things. This isn’t a loneliness as I have given GA a break and even said to the lovely lady GA who calls me that I want to give that support a break and will call her. I think kin has hit the nail on the head really because I was thinking it before I even opened up GM and read the post , that it is the connection and a longing for God, source, call it whatever that I am feeling. Because when we have that connection going on everything is Ok. We can endure and get through. Well that is the first thought of the day. Incidentally, I don’t feel,that way about the folks on this site who I really love connecting to.

[finding_laura]

Beautiful psalm Kin. The light of God is within you Monica. The homeless man you fed is witness that it shines from within you. You are a good decent person who deserves to sort this addiction out and have a good life! I think you are someone who gets pleasure and satisfaction out of helping others but your battery was depleted from being so sick and without a lot of support. I hope you can replenish yourself Monica. The world is all the better when you are shining brightly within it. Have a good day. Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
So sorry to hear you are hungry – as Laura says that is not good for you health or well being .
I hope the chocolate biscuits helped.
Pete sounds controlling (is this an f&f trait I find myself asking) but to be controlling with food is a step too far .
Laura is right – he is a squatter – and without u he would have no address to even get benefits . I pity anyone who is in a situation where their f&f has the upper hand – not nice .
Maybe that’s why many people with addiction have to lie – to avoid the superior behaviours of the f&f in their life. I guess it s only food he is withholding – I have read in the forums about f&f withholding access to children and worse !

I too would like to get ur email – it would be nice to say some things in private .

[Monica1]

Great posts ty. The only thing I get with all of this is that nothing lasts forever. When my situation begins to shift and if it does, I think it will be rapid, as it has done previously and I can then decide what is the best way forward. It certainly won’t be to destroy myself through gambling as it was previously each and every time, about three times that I have been stuck, in this situation but nothing as bad as this time. This addictioncauses that, each journey down worse than the last. Which is why I get so much where jp is at. It will take time. That self destructive trait, which is part of active disease, has genuinely shifted out of my horizon. It also won’t be more of the same because things need to change and I need to move on and out. But I do go through periods of extreme lack of motivation where I am not enthralled by anything , and then Shift and do things again. Everything seems to be in slow mode. I have to learn to love myself, be patient and have compassion for myself. Some of this is seasonal.it is winter where all things hibernate to a certain extent, we withdraw and go inward. I can’t afford an Xmas which is so counter to all previous Xmas and i think this is a big reason also as to why I am isolating myself. Some of this is self preservation. Pete is genuinely fed up with having to provide food but he knows where the door is. He is not responsible for me and I not for him. At the weekends he is often away as he is now which is fine by me.

[Monica1]

Pete comes back at 8.30 and cooks a chicken curry, which is more tinned vegetables than chicken but it tastes good. He calls me to go and get it. Prior to this I attempt a 5 minute conversation to say I am sorry I am like this. He finds my doing nothing and living in my bedroom clearly frustrating. I want to say well, we haven’t got magistrates orders kicking down the door and cutting off the electric because of one thing I have done this week. He doesn’t understand me. He says he has been depressed and on the dole so he knows how it is. It is so much more Than that for me too though. I take a small bowl and then help myself,to what is left in the pot. He doesn’t like this and looked annoyed but says nothing but that is what is left of the communication here. He cannot,help me aside from my physical survival needs and I cannot help him because as soon as iam on my feet, it will be up,and out. I was reading Laura’s and ididits post on voids today and I will comment on these later.

[vera]

I was interested to read on another thread, Monica that the visual images faded when you attended GA.
My mind was flooded with those images when I was in the throes of gambling. Most of my non gambling time was spent „dry gambling“. I would withdraw, deliberately, to an inner space for hours on end and even in my dreams, I would visualize my hand placing a note in the slot; then the amount of credit would be displayed and I would set the machine (in my mind)on MAX bets and off I would go for hours and hours, silently feeding my bad habit.
Those visual images always preceded a gambling binge.
I have trained my mind NEVER to dwell on such nonsense but what do you know, out of the blue, one night last week I was held up in city traffic just outside a casino I had the misfortune to frequent on many occasions. Suddenly a flashback came before my mind’s eye and I began to figure what each „image“ was worth. I won’t use the exact „terms“ in case it tempts or haunts another Cg but I can honestly say, I could not remember the „value“ of each line of symbols. I didn’t rack my brain for any more than a second, because I know too well where „stinkin’ thinkin’ leads me. I wonder has my attendance at GA wiped the memory slate clean? In all the groups I attend (about 7 different venues) the person doing the chair selects passages from the „Red Book“ and members read, in turn. More often than not , it goes over my head but subconsciously messages seep in . I know this because when I read posts here or when I hear or think of gambling, an answer from that literature flashes to mind.
Strange how the human brain works, isn’t it.
„Just for today, I will not be a mental loafer“!
I hope you enjoyed the „stolen“ curry.
They say „what’s seldom , is wonderful“.
Reading about your sparse food intake makes me feel guilty. It also makes me realize I eat FAR too much.

[Monica1]

Always good to hear from you on my thread Vera. I have felt nauseous most of today but did not stop me from posting on the interesting topic on Idis thread. I know that today I have a number of things to do and I did t feel at all like doing them. Pete on my waking was very moany take the plates out of your bedroom, don’t let the dog in your bedroom, etc. He bought me a cheesy roll with grilled cheese in it. That was yummy. He is now out probably until the wee hours of the morning.
I start doing the things to prepare for the visit to my daughters tomorrow like washing my clothes in fairy liquid. Lol.

I notice I have two missed calls from my son, Ben. I ring him and we have a very good discussion. He has been with his girlfriend for a year and wants to take me to one of my favourite restaurants tomorrow on my birthday, which I am sure geordie will know, which is Joanna’s, and meet his girlfriend who is a labour activist. I somehow feel we will get on! He has shown her the film. He says that all I had to do was ask when I needed help, I knew this was all I had to do, but really find it difficultas he does. He agrees with me tha now is not the time to wallow in old past emotions and just get stuck. Now is the time to move forward. And he reminds me that I dug this hole for myself. I said I knew that but all the advice is that relatives f and f should not keep reminding us of this. Or maybe they should, to keep us focussed on the recovery journey. I don’t know. I tell him what has been goi g on for me and say I am going to my daughters to look at options for the future. He offers me 100 pounds for my mobile phone and internet which are due and I have not the funds. I am pleased we have had this conversation and we will meet up when I am back from my daughters for dinner and to meet his girlfriend. I also tell him how bad I feel every year going to my sisters and mums for Xmasand the emotional blackmail I have to go. He says it is what it is and I don’t think it bothers him that much. That part of the family does t know my part of the family, the y have met only once or twice and there is resistance on both sides from my children to meet and get to know their rand other. She has never met her great grandkids. It just is what it is. Perhaps that will change one day. We can live in hope. But I am grateful for the call. I also talked about the new year, that I cannot ask Pete to leave now but will in the New Year.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
Yes it was an interesting debate but I felt at times some
Of the replies were misleading in attributing some of the things I wrote I was thinking about to the researcher .

That was an interesting conversation with your son. It seems your children are all weighing in to help . You have raised a kind family – I think kind mothers raise kind families – so take well earned credit . It is so good he wants you to chat with his girlfriend – how proud is this boy of his mum ?

Are you feeling more happy and hopeful Monica ?

Considering I wrote only a few hours ago that I was going to try and go it without support I have been writing a lot on here.
My thoughts seem to be all over the place !

By the way thank you for your respectful replies on my thread – especially when you had a difference in opinion . You have great communication skills.

[Monica1]

Yes, I have been on here a lot today as well. Yes, it makes me feel a lot better. My motivation seems to improve when I feel I am supported by my family and also friends on this site. And although I only differ slightly with your view, I completely get where you are coming from. I think we share the same insights on the support available. There has to be a better way than GA for lady CGs, and I would be interested to look a new models of care. But I also respect the help that they can provide. I will still go but not as often. I have a lifeto recover and believe it or not GA was stopping me from doing that.

[Анонимен]

Not all groups have the „my name is X I am a compulsive gambler“ thing.

Many people, of both sexes, just mumble lip service to this.

Some groups are a lot less formal, not all strictly follow the steps.

[Monica1]

Yes, I have tried more than one venue. I just happen to think Whitechapel is well chaired and structured. One of the first spiritual.lessons I learned was that words are powerful regardless of whether lip service is paid to them or not. And that actions speak louder than words. I agree that not all groups follow the steps or stick to the same format. I appreciate GA and what it does but my view is my view after attending twice a week for three months, it was doing more harm than good for me. I dont have the time to wallow in the emotional al distraught ness the steps were bringing up.I guess I will return a week or sos time. I feel stronger right now if I maintain a distance. I can honestly say that this site and the folks on it have helped me the most.

[i-did-it]

On the night I felt obliged (forced??) to speak I mumbled the words and knew it wasn’t for me .
Why of all the great and wonderful gifts and attributes God has given me – why would I refer to myself by my biggest flaw ?
It made me feel like a fake sitting there pretending that I believed the words – kinda like going to church to keep my mum happy .
Any way my name is i-did-it and I am a KP (kind person), my name is i-did-it and I am a BOL ( bundle of laughs )
My name is i-did-it and I am a GM ( great mum)
My name is i-did-it and I am OGC ( occasionally great cook)

Have a go Monica. – this is far more motivating!

[Monica1]

Again I agree with you which is why I speak so much about the self flagellation. It is sackcloth and ashes whilst the approach you describe makes me feel really good and better about myself, something female CGs really need as their self esteem is something that needs building not crushing.

[Monica1]

I am Monica and I am a very caring kind person

I am Monica and I care for the Vulnerable disadvantaged and oppressed

I am Monica and I feel

I am Monica and I have a great career

I am Monica and I am resilient and will overcome all obstacles.

There, that feels better.

[i-did-it]

My name is i-did-it and your post made me smile a lot .

[vera]

To Monica
The BIG Day has arrived!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY and many of ’em.
Sixty is the new forty.
Let it be a New year, a new opportunity and a new blessed and fruitful, Gamble free Life
X

[Monica1]

Lovely, ty so much. What a beautiful message. Ty ty ty!

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Just read you had a great birthday .
Not only did U have a great birthday but you took time out to post Jaques -you kind kind person !!

[Monica1]

Well, it didn’t quite go to plan but I had a brilliant day. I got a text from my daughter cancelling the trip as she had not slept and her husband would not be home. Suggested this weekend. Cancelling such things is not new, it is quite a common occurrence with my daughter. But I was ok with this and texted my eldest son Ben. Well, he asked me to ring my hairdresser and book a colour. I thought she would be too busy but she wasn’t and my son paid for me to have a colour which I haven’t had since January. He said it took ten years off me.
Pete had forgotten it was my birthday but he still cooked scrambled eggs and cheese on toast for breakfast. He went out at lunchtime and bought me chocs, cigs and a bottle of cava. I could barely drink half a glass. I had a lot of good wishes from friends on Facebook, and that was nice. My sister and mum rang me. My eldest granddaughter sent me a lovely message saying she missed me. In the evening I met my son and his girlfriend for dinner at Joanna’s. The bill for 3 came to 170 quid and my son paid. He laid out a lot of money for me over the past 2 days but said that I had done this in drovesinthepast and it was payback time. I said I would really want it to go back the other way. I mean, really…. Not for the first time, I realised that I was terrible at receiving. My son said he was not that good at it either. That dinner was really lovely and I was incredibly grateful for the fabulous day. My hairdresser said I deserved good things to happen and she was sure life would get better for me. So much better than my 50th, in which I think pete stood me up for dinner!
It is possible to have great days in recovery when still being in a mess!
I read idis post about something saying recovery is six months. Not sure I agree with this one as I did 9 months first time round but wasn’t in recovery. I did not understand the addiction then. I do now.
Well I fell asleep early last night after a brilliant day and feel a little tired today but ok.

[finding_laura]

Hello Monica, so nice to see you get spoiled a little. Your son sounds like a pretty intelligent lovely young man. I totally agree with IDI, take credit for it 🙂

I am once again reading your post three or four days behind! I feel as though even on GT I am always playing catch up. And therefore when i get my two cents in (because that’s just me, one of my character flaws i feel, that i feel nothing is complete without my input!) I may be inflaming a conversation that had worked its course and was settling down!

Happy Belated Birthday! I think I was early too, but never right on time haha. I too am a bad receiver and had to rethink that! I complain when people don’t do things for me but I’m the first to tell them to stop when they are because it makes me feel uncomfortable to receive instead of give. I’ve been with my husband for nearly three decades. I think in a lot of ways I was responsible for letting him get off with behaviours. I try to remember boundaries. And that I am the one that needs to set those for myself. If I leave it up to others there will always be people willing to encroach for their own benefit!

One of the recovery B words I call them. Boundaries, Barriers, Balance.

So have a great day beautiful! And now a nice weekend to look forward too as well.

((( Monica )))

Laura

[Monica1]

Now that is what I call a lovely supportive post! Yes, my son is a wonderful young man. He had a tough upbringing. He told me how he has watched everyone make their mistakes in life and has learned from them. He actuallysaid to me before we met up that this was not to be a counselling session and I had to laugh at that. But we did till share some feeling stuff. He lives in his stepfathers mothers house with his stepdad still there. He confronted him sometime ago about his emotional abuse he endured as a child while I was out working 2 jobs. His gave it with both barrels. He says he feels,sorry for his stepdad. He was just silent and said nothing . The reason he feels sorry for him Is that he could not own it,he could not admit to it or even say sorry. For him there is no doing something wrong, cos he is always right. I recalled the time when I was nine months pregnant with my daughter and he just kept shouting at me continually right in my face. I locked myself in the bathroom and my waters then broke, which seemed to be the only thing to shut him up. My son has his issues still with him but has grown enormously out of this. I said I was sorry that it took me so long to do anything about it, which I did when he left prompted by me, but not before stripping the house of everything and leaving me with nothing. He actually took every photo in the house. The stuff of life. This ex saved my life once and I guess I was too busy being grateful and disregarded his appalling behaviour for too long. He did have a lot of redeeming features but I guess the shadow side of some men is too hard to deal,with. He was emotionally bullied and abused as a child by his stepfather. How, despite it all and trying hard not to, sometimes, we seem to repeat the sins of the father sometimes. It as as I posted on here previously, this pattern has been healed to some extent and not repeated with the grandkids.

[Monica1]

Today I feel tired possibly as a result of a few glasses of wine last night. It always seems to have that effect on me. I have a list of things to do but haven’t done any of them today. It feels cold today. Exchanged a few texts with my son whose girlfriend said I was lovely and a real pleasure. That was nice. Pete was his usual moany self today. Said I was always tired and it’s about time I got off my backside. He is right in one sense but is not what I would call a motivational conversation, more a go away and leave me alone conversation. Hey ho, back to same situation.
Today I am praying for a job where I can make a difference just so I can do something for Christmas. It is a bit late in the day but on day 106 not much has changed on that front.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
I am so pleased you had a lovely time with your son- the boy is obviously very proud to show his mum off to his girlfriend .
He also recognises all you have done for him- a great boy who knows his mum always did her best. When we have to work we really are at he mercy of others with our children . I was blessed to have elderly inlaws to help me out – their ways weren’t always my ways but I always knew their ways were paved with love . I love them for how much they did for us.

Jobs are strange things – everything can change in a moment – you never know what is around the corner so I am going to do a novena and focus on a job for you . I guarantee St Jude will have you sitting in a job in no time .

It’s funny how how friend’s good news lifts our spirits -I am so happy since I reAd you post it feels like I was the one sitting in Joanna ‘a enjoying my food and wine!

The job front may be slow in changing but what a huge change in you – enjoying recovery- you deserve the best !

[Monica1]

Thanks idi. Your posts always make me feel better about things. I had to look up novenas… now you know I am a great believer in St Jude! Thank you so much for doing that. One thing I kinda know is that sometimes we need intercession o our own behalf from another. I do this a lot when I read on fab about people requiring serious healing or help when going through life’s trials.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
You posed a lot of really good questions on my thread-
I wonder if there is actually a change in the brain chemistry of women when we reach a certain age which makes us want to gamble – wouldn’t that be a great piece of research .
In my thirties I was too busy living
In my forties life just got sad and stressful .
I wonder does extreme trauma cause a change in brain chemistry – if it does – is there a drug to change it back ?

So many questions- not nearly enough research .

Why does gambling even a little make us feel so low ?
Even a win feels shameful .
What is the shift that has happened ?

And why middle aged women so often ?

My brain is frazzled !

[Monica1]

Wouldn’t it be awful idi if the reasons were just a bunch of hormones lol! If we took HRT, none of this would have ever happened! There are commonalities in female CGs who start late, that’s all. As I said I don’t know how this can all be overcome or prevented. When the hormones stop so,does,the libido, without being too personal. That drive is very much a life force and life affirming one. For me it was my opiate of choice. Maybe we gambled for just one bit of excitement (false excitement, full less harm, not harmless fun) to make us feel alive, because life itself wasn’t providing any. I don’t know!
Today I still have things to,do,but don’t want to go out in the cold. I will have to make myself. I have paid the internet which was 15 quid more than usual. Anyone know of a good isp? Virgin too expensive. My daughter texted to say her marriage is over but neither know how to move forward. Both of them are miserable and she thinks it has gone past the point of fixing it. I must visit soon.

[finding_laura]

Good morning ladies, my sluggish brain is trying to get going as I sip on coffee #2.

I have started this post many times! I don’t think there is anyone at home upstairs in my head at the moment to sort out the swirling ideas and thoughts. Glad I have you two on the job! In addition to things mentioned like hormones, Maybe it’s just a point in a woman’s life where we want to have some fun if we’ve been burdened with responsibility and caregiving. And gambling is an EASY way to have fun. In the beginning. But what we don’t realize is we are dealing with something that is addictive. And all those things we are getting away from add up to a reason for continuing to have „fun“.

They mention a drug in this article but it doesn’t relate to trauma, it is used for other addictions.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/problem-gambling-triggers-same-part-of-brain-as-substance-addiction-1.3918941

I’m sure trauma can change the brain. Just look at returning soldiers.

I’m glad you are working through things with your son Monica. It can bring closure and a sense of peace. I did the same things with my mother re my drinking dad. It helped a great deal after I worked through it. I used a 12 step program ACOA – Adult Children of Alcoholics, in my 20’s, as i processed my feelings. My dad and I also had good relationship in his older years, and he apologized for not doing better. But that didn’t come until many many years later. I will forever hold Maya Angelou’s expression in my heart. „Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.“

And that’s all any of us can do. Have a great day Monica and IDI!

Laura

[Анонимен]

Three have a good sim only deal as much GB phone and texts £30 month. On telly the other day I seen 02 had a black Friday deal I think it was £20 for 30GB dosnt end til this Friday.

Maybe 3 would price match.

Sorry havn’t replied directly to your post on my thread. Im just going out the door. Am away for a couple of days.

Pleased to hear your birthday went well.

Got to dash Monica, take care.

We are all united with the same problem Monica, and within the CG demographic there are many smaller groups of people who do share a lot of similar spokes to their wheel.

We are all unique though but united with one common demonstrator. Gambling until our lives have become unmanageable in some aspects, if not all, to some degree or other. We have all become powerless against it.

Maybe the different problems that brought us to that position need addressing in different ways, but does the common denominator?

I got to dash. Sorry to hear of your daughters predicament, as if you havn’t got enough on your plate.

[Monica1]

Thanks for posting on my thread Geordie. It was an internet service provider, not phone provider I was after. Don’t use my phone for Internet and my phone bills are pretty reasonable.Just had a little cry. My old bank called re credit card debt and agreed to put everything on hold for six months as my situation was so dire. Of course. explaining my situation just makes me feel worse, like it reminds me, this is where you are, and it stinks. Then I feel frustration and a little anger that it appears I have just been left to stew in it. There doesn’t seem to be any respite and it is day 107.

[finding_laura]

so frustrating Monica! The things that would help you rise above more quickly are denied by our governments these days. But I will save you the rant. You know it well.

The dance between the light and and the dark, the emotional ups and downs can just be gut wrenching. So thankful there are points of light, kindnesses there for you. Your doctor, your son, your son’s new gf, your daughter, the bank, your mates here.

I can remember a good GA buddy of mine talking about layers of an onion. So queen of the google search I came to this. And I think this would describe what we went through when we suffered a loss due to our medical health and relationship situations. And gambling was our way of sidestepping our grief at what we lost. And i think one of the things I lost was the belief that my partner would step up and care for me just like I would and had in the past for him. I also lost many things physically and socially, impacts of my medical situation. My heart and soul and spirit was totally crushed. Gambling made me forget and it numbed the pain. And almost as soon as physically possible it became a way for me to say “ do you think I’m going to sit home and cry over you?“
Sorry to go on about me. Don’t want to make assumptions at where you are coming from. I think right now you are grieving the loss of your job, your lifestyle and your current health.

Disclaimer: By the way, I’ve never come across this author before, I don’t know her work, her personal situation is different but I can empathize and a lot of what she said in the article rang true for me. I can not endorse her or her site. i just don’t want someone reading this to think somehow they can pay for this book to get all the answers about gambling.

http://janellebb.com/the-onion-effect-understanding-the-tears-and-layers-of-loss/

(((( Monica ))))
Laura

[Monica1]

Thanks Laura, it has taken me days to just get out,of the house to go and pick up my medical certificate which I am just about to do. I could feel myself spiralling downwards this afternoon into a pit of despair. I feel angry again, then I cry. This is all so bloody unfair. I ask for a sign that things will get better. Just a bloody sign…

[Monkey15]

Just downloaded this book. Thanks for sharing Laura.

[Monkey15]

I was in the Uk for a year, about 30 years ago and remember the winter well. Had only a small heater for warmth so I’m visualising the weather over your way today…makes it harder to leave the house as well, I guess. Out of interest, do you have access to a social worker or support person that can help and work along side you at the moment? I giggled at your thoughts on HRT. Let us know how your day panned out, I imagine it is early evening there at the moment….I remember clearly, standing across the road from Harrods, I think in Late January with soft snow falling and it took my breathe away on this magical sight of Harrods all lit up in the snow…

[Monica1]

Thanks for posting. That is a magical image there you have just planted in my brain of harrods. My mum always said that if she were to win the lottery she would buy a house next door to Harrods. No, I do not have the supports you mentions and I would not be given them if I even requested it. Why would I need a social worker? Even though poverty is a social issue.

Today has not been a good day. I should have known that when I bumped my head on my bedside cabinet when waking up, whacking great bruise on my temple. Yes, it is cold. I did manage the walk. I too have a small electric heater keeping me warm but it does the job.
I came back to pete moaning cos I had bought myself some soup, bread and cheese, things he can’t eat. I explain that I cannot go till the evening without food every day. And then a loud shriek and swearing and he has lost his wallet with everything he owns in it. I say a prayer to the angel of lost things. I hope he finds it. There is such a fine line between being able to survive and everything just falling apart. Today, I see that line.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
Thanks for your post on my thread .
I am going to need support to get over GT by the looks of things .
That is so brilliant – HRT to cure gambling – I wonder has anyone tried it or noticed .

I am going to have to google to see if there is any research on habits And HRT- I mite not post the results however- !!!!!!!’
I left my warm work , got in my warm car , went into my warm house , grabbed my warm dog and went for a walk on a freezing mountain . I think I have frostbite – my legs were sore with the cold ! I didn’t realise how cold it is .
I too would Buy a house beside harrods – if they moved harrods to Spain . Lol.
Enjoy your soup n cheese – yum !

.

[Monkey15]

In the U.K. It may be different from NZ, and not always accessible, but if you are under a mental health provider, you can sometimes access a SW or mental health support worker who can help you access food banks, support you with transport and going to appointments for benefits etc, just a thought….

[finding_laura]

I’ve lived close to that line in the past and was grateful family stepped up without me having to ask. My cousin stopped by a couple of times with a big grocery order. But what of those who don’t have family or friends with the ability to help out. Or the unwillingness. There are so many who don’t realize what it is like to not know where your next meal is coming from, even when working! I donate to food banks and social service charity groups and to the UN refugee food program. Little things. But my something.

Glad to know you have a few staples for the next couple days. No miracle maybe but as long as today is taken care of maybe that is all we need. I could only think so far ahead in the earlier days or things would get overwhelming. Life on hold while busy cleaning up messes. Speaking of life, hubby is starting supper an I should help out.

hope your evening in is comforting.
Laura

[Monica1]

Thanks both. You are right laura. It has to be one day at a time and today is shite…. I am not under a mental health provider monkey, no treatment for my depression. Just a six month wait for counselling which they can stuff. It does feel like I am sitting in a self created purgatory and I have really had enough. If I had one inkling that this wasn’t going to last for a long time that would help. But there is no such sign and to be frank I cannot bear it.

[Monica1]

Enjoyed 10 and midnight chats tonight. Thanks all.

[Monica1]

Enjoyed 10 and midnight chats tonight. Thanks all.

[Monkey15]

You may call me Tina. Just got home from work and imagine you will all be tucked up in bed on the other side of the world. Monicau, is there really a 6 month wait for you, that is shocking….can’t your GP push it along for you? You may have already mentioned this, but are you attending support groups? Hope you are well rested when you wake up in your morning.

[finding_laura]

Good morning Monica. Just waking with my first coffee. I enjoyed chat last night as well. It lets us get to know each other a little better without having every written word saved.

I hope today is filled with light. Thinking of you.
Laura

[vera]

Unfortunately, Monica the consequences of gambling do last a long time. I wish I could give you a magic wand to change your situation. Things are not as bad as you originally feared though, are they?
I have been off the radar all week. A close relative of my husband passed quite suddenly from Life to Eternity on Monday. Death puts us in touch with our own mortality and helps us to see things in a different light. There are things in life worse than death, methinks!
Hope your bruise is subsiding and that Pete found his wallet?

[i-did-it]

Monica, I was driving to work this morning and I suddenly realised – no urges !
First time in ages and ages.
And I thought about our chat last night and how we discussed all kinds of forbidden things like favourite slots , wins and losses and I realised these are the conversations I need to be having – not avoiding .
Avoiding things doesn’t make them go away .
Thank you and I hope the chat helped you also.
You are a very wise person with great insight .
Ps my other thread closed – don’t feel like starting new one – has taken too much out of me .

[Monica1]

Thank you very much for your posts. Idi I hope you start another thread. Vera, I am sorry to hear of the relative of your husbands passing. I was wondering where you were. No, pete did not find his wallet.

As for things not being as bad as I thought they would be. I am afraid they are.

Today on the coldest day of the year, I had an electric prepayment meter fitted. I also had committal to prison proceedings served against me for non payment of council tax over a long period of time. I am remarkably calm about this. My benefit won’t even now go as far as food. Certainly no cigarettes. I am kind of tired with all of this. Things are shutting down and there is nothing I can do about it. I cannot pay for anything. And yes, Vera, there are things worse in life than death. Feeling that God has abandoned you is one and living in this heartless society is another.

[i-did-it]

How much do you have to pay for month to keep them
Off your back ?

I don’t really understand why society punishes the vulnerable- Monica – please don’t think like that – come to group and we will talk.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
Great chat
And I just so „get you“
Like I said on chat yes I would go for my child but for myself I would rather starve .
I guess I have heard bad stories about these organisations that has put me off – that doesn’t mean every person in the group is like that of course . Just I know so many in these organisations I know I could never avail of them. So many individuals who tell everyone that they volunteer for Xxx !

I understand now about the food banks ! Got it !

[vera]

Monica, the group I suggested offer practical advice and point clients in the direction of other services, as well as offering financial aid.
Its not a hand -out. It is given voluntarily , often by people who suffered a „dip“ , like you are experiencing at present and when times improve these people subscribe to what I think is a social justice cause. Any organisation that fights poverty for the right reason , has my admiration.Of course it is difficult to be on the receiving end but when the table turns you can become a benefactor.
„Never look a gift horse in the mouth“
It could point you in the right direction. Even having a fresh person to chat with might lead you towards a new start.
You are in my thoughts and prayers

[i-did-it]

Monica ,
I googled them.
They have a Specific gambling service .
This might be good – you go to them -so no uncomfortable home visits – they offer counselling and other support – only trained people there – no volunteers allowed !!!

[Monica1]

Could you remind me what they are called?
Thanks

[vera]

How are you today, Monica?
Just touching base to let you know I’m thinking of you.

[i-did-it]

They are called at Vincent de Paul .
I think they are based in Windsor and somewhere else . Xx

[Monica1]

Thanks for that. Means a lot. Today I am not good. Feeling very tired and stayed in bed. I decided to ring my sponsor just to tell him where I am. Had meant to go to GA tonight but in all truth iam too tired. I feel beaten. This isn’t recovery for me. My sponsor thinks I should get some professional al help. Not like I haven’t been trying. He clearly didnt know what to say. And at the end of the day it is just meaningless words. That is how I feel. I guess there are not that many people that understand or have the ability to reach us when we feel so bad about things. You do though so I appreciate that.
Can’t do anything today.i read your post and support your stance on it all.

[Monica1]

Hi idi and Vera
I looked them up. Could not see anything related to gambling or counselling. They specifically state they take 2 to 3 weeks to do anything and can only provide things like food parcels. Not my thing really and won’t do it. Agree they do good work though, but definitely not for me. My birthday on Monday seems like aeons ago. Can’t report on the recovery plan this week because in truth I have been knocked for six by the prison proceedings. A debtors prison or the workhouse no doubt under this repulsive government.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica – I can’t find it now either – I could have been mistaken by I was sure it said Windsor – I will check again.

Monica – lets swap places – I want you to pretend I am the one asking your advice about these issues and tell me what u would want me to do – I am asking you to do this because I feel you are so kind to others you would go out of your way to find a solution. How would you get me to stop prison proceedings?
Tell me step by step what I should do ? I am not a criminal but a strong woman o who lost a lot through illness and developed an addiction during a very stressful time in my life .
What would you advise me to do ?

[Monica1]

Hmm, you pose an interesting question. I would probably react in the same way you would from earlier posts. Firstly I would be sorry that this has happened to you as it is the last thing you need at this point. I would imagine you must be feeling completely defeated and find it difficult to have faith in anything. I like the statement you use above to describe it and how things have been. The biggest issue is what you can offer them, when you have nothing, food, fuel or pay towards the council tax. I,would advise getting back in touch with the housing woman, I did email but can now email the medical letter which actually says a lot. I don’t expect much from her. It’s like I need to know the minimum poverty levels you are allowed to hit. I have seen people sanctioned who have been left with nothing so I expect this Government don’t care about that. I would get the support of people you trust ie like my Gp. There is very little else, my sponsor is too young to really get it. I wanted to ring the business debt line today but couldn’t. I might try now.

[i-did-it]

I kinda had this mad idea you could become a student – and get a student loan – some courses have big bursaries … and you are exempt from council tax- if you drop out u still have to pay back the loan – but I think only when u can afford to?

[Monica1]

Hi idi
Thanks idi, you have been very helpful to me today. And sometimes like in our earlier conversations I think you are indeed heaven sent cos your ideas are always good. And we discussed the. Ore desperate ideas in group last night. I like your mad ideas, you are a creative thinker. That is such a good trait. It is not a character defect (outdated concept). Not so mad cos I never fulfilled what I wanted to do in this life. But not sure whether the subjects I would want to study are eligible for a loan. These are naturopathic medicine or Ayurvedic Medicine. Would someone give me a student loan at my age?
When I finished reading your email my daughter rang. I told her what a bad place I have been in. She had some good news. After years at home with the kids, she has got a job as a support worker In a halfway house for people with addiction and mental health issues. I said I was delighted for her and that she should get some practice In before she started with her mother. I also rang the business debt line. Although there is a half hour hold time, their advice is very good. They said without doubt with the council it is complaint copied to mp and local councillor, he said they should not be treating me this way. Thanks again idi.

[Monica1]

Hi idi
Thanks idi, you have been very helpful to me today. And sometimes like in our earlier conversations I think you are indeed heaven sent cos your ideas are always good. And we discussed the. Ore desperate ideas in group last night. I like your mad ideas, you are a creative thinker. That is such a good trait. It is not a character defect (outdated concept). Not so mad cos I never fulfilled what I wanted to do in this life. But not sure whether the subjects I would want to study are eligible for a loan. These are naturopathic medicine or Ayurvedic Medicine. Would someone give me a student loan at my age?
When I finished reading your email my daughter rang. I told her what a bad place I have been in. She had some good news. After years at home with the kids, she has got a job as a support worker In a halfway house for people with addiction and mental health issues. I said I was delighted for her and that she should get some practice In before she started with her mother. I also rang the business debt line. Although there is a half hour hold time, their advice is very good. They said without doubt with the council it is complaint copied to mp and local councillor, he said they should not be treating me this way. Thanks again idi.

[Monica1]

Hi idi
Thanks idi, you have been very helpful to me today. And sometimes like in our earlier conversations I think you are indeed heaven sent cos your ideas are always good. And we discussed the. Ore desperate ideas in group last night. I like your mad ideas, you are a creative thinker. That is such a good trait. It is not a character defect (outdated concept). Not so mad cos I never fulfilled what I wanted to do in this life. But not sure whether the subjects I would want to study are eligible for a loan. These are naturopathic medicine or Ayurvedic Medicine. Would someone give me a student loan at my age?
When I finished reading your email my daughter rang. I told her what a bad place I have been in. She had some good news. After years at home with the kids, she has got a job as a support worker In a halfway house for people with addiction and mental health issues. I said I was delighted for her and that she should get some practice In before she started with her mother. I also rang the business debt line. Although there is a half hour hold time, their advice is very good. They said without doubt with the council it is complaint copied to mp and local councillor, he said they should not be treating me this way. Thanks again idi.

[Monica1]

Hi idi
Thanks idi, you have been very helpful to me today. And sometimes like in our earlier conversations I think you are indeed heaven sent cos your ideas are always good. And we discussed the. Ore desperate ideas in group last night. I like your mad ideas, you are a creative thinker. That is such a good trait. It is not a character defect (outdated concept). Not so mad cos I never fulfilled what I wanted to do in this life. But not sure whether the subjects I would want to study are eligible for a loan. These are naturopathic medicine or Ayurvedic Medicine. Would someone give me a student loan at my age?
When I finished reading your email my daughter rang. I told her what a bad place I have been in. She had some good news. After years at home with the kids, she has got a job as a support worker In a halfway house for people with addiction and mental health issues. I said I was delighted for her and that she should get some practice In before she started with her mother. I also rang the business debt line. Although there is a half hour hold time, their advice is very good. They said without doubt with the council it is complaint copied to mp and local councillor, he said they should not be treating me this way. Thanks again idi.

[Monica1]

Only pinged save once. Sometimes the posts seem to duplicate themselves on here. Not deleted it as it deletes all and wouldn’t want to repost.

[i-did-it]

You Monica have helped me so much this week.
You are an incredibly intelligent woman who does not need to rely on the „but this is the way we always did things “ mentality.
I cannot believe how helpful our chat the other night was . You have such amazing insight .
I think there can’t be agism when it comes accessing life long learning – if there is I know a strong lady who could challenge that !
What a great opportunity for your daughter and how super for her that her mum believes so strongly in her abilities .
I hope the council tax thing gets sorted Monica –
This addiction can take us so low
Excuse any typos – I thought a contact lens was giving me bother – I have an eye infection and can hardly see what I’m typing .
Thank u so much for all your help – wish I had met u eight years ago – my life might have been so different. . Can’t believe I have been on this site since 2009. You know I haven’t done too badly since joining here – no idea where I would be by now without this site – feeling happy and relived tonight .

[Monica1]

I awake at 12.30and have a long bath. I feel ok, the despair and desolation of yesterday turning into a plan. I have idi to thank for that. We can really help each other on this forum. The colour on my hair is great, she did a good job and it actually shines now instead of the dull, flecked grey look. I appreciate this. God is good, I say to myself, look for the good.
It is a still and mild day, the sort I like and I journey down to penge high street and have the staple of the poor person, the cheeseburger from Macdonalds. No wonder the poor die young. I have enough to buy a soup, the chicken soup from Tesco’s. It’s great, not their own brand the chicken and vegetable cully and sully, it has sustained me physically and tastes sooooo good. Chicken soup for the soul.
I have a few realisations whilst I am walking and wait for the bus. The reason i have a big issue with GA is that it is an outdated patriarchal system and I come from a lineage of matriarchs. This patriarchal system is out of balance when it comes to women and when it comes to step 4, I see this as positively psychologically dangerous when it comes to women with low self esteem and assertiveness who throughout life have not stood up for themselves as well as they could. We have accepted too much crap,and maybe way too late in the day said enough!
I read Charles thread on GA being the higher power. I could never accept this in my world view. I do see lights around people in the rooms so I know God is present. I think steps 1 to 3 are fine, but nothing beyond for women. When I think of making reparation, there is only one person I have to make reparation to and that is me. I missed my daughters 30th but she missed my 60th, so we are quits. And I missed my mother’s 80th, she is now nearly 84, and I fessed upto her on that day. So,I do owe her but when she nearly died in hospital last yer bought her new nighties and everything she needed and visited twice a week even though it was 60 miles away by train. I still owe her a bit re birthday. It is only me to make repairs to, because it was an act of self destruction , my gambling, because my own self esteem was at rock bottom having a partner who left me the day I came out of hospital as if I was infectious. So,I reject a lot of the philosophy of GA. i generally see for every character defect the equal and opposite has been true in my life which can be demonstrated. It’s qualities to aim for are polarised opposites and I just do not see life and how we are as black and white as this. We are bit guilty of all of these sins all of the time. So, I am sorry but this is rubbish. I read idis thread today and I approve! I so get it.

[Monica1]

Should h ave read, we are not guilty of all of these sins all of the time. My spellchecker keeps,substituting bit for not.

[i-did-it]

Monica,
MY GA never mentioned steps – what put me off was feeling forced to speak – they went through the names on roll – and as I was the only female – I felt judged. it’s difficult to explain – it was like it was ok for them because their wives shoulda be standing by them , but I was bad because of what I am doing to my poor husband .

I know I did get something from it the first night when I listened to others – then it seemed to get too „controlling „.
Every time I think about GA not I think about the „Fat controller “ on Thomas the Tank , cos that kinda is what it was like- it kinda makes me giggle – maybe it is a character flaw after all but I do not like being controlled . Same on my thread – I don’t like others dictating to me what I should post or keeping track of how much I post .

Charles has suggested saying to „the controller “ that I don’t want to speak . Why can’t they just let people volunteer – and then if I I do speak I am not going to say that I am a Cg or any other rubbish – I will say I have a gambling addiction . There is a reason I am the only woman there and I don’t believe it is because I am the only female with this Compulsion.

Your partners rejection when you were ill must have hurt you to the core . It wasn’t about you but about his inability to deal with difficult circumstances . Any which way you deserved and deserve more that that . It is easy be someone’s partner when life is good – that’s why we take vows – in sickness and in health! It also is a form of control to kick someone when they are down – the more I read the more I am convinced that behind a huge percentage of people with gambling addiction there is a controlling, angry. „loved one“ who nit-picks and find fault !

I am pleased with my last few posts on my thread. I feel I have addressed issues which in truth have been affecting my recovery for years . Some people makes snowballs behind the scenes for others to throw – and then step back smelling of roses – fool me once , shame on you – fool me twice , shame on me !!

Onwards and upwards Monica !

[Monica1]

That was an interesting post. At my GA meeting people do not have to speak and some don’t. But I have seen new women members come and go, at least 5 or 6 some frogmarched in by worried f and f. But they only last one or two meetings then stop attending. I was the only consistent woman attending. I don’t think this is a coincidence. Control comes from patriarchy and men led. Just some men, not all. I saw a woman chair at my first meeting bitched on and attacked by a couple of men. That was why I never went back after my first meeting. I could have prevented s further years worth of pain if it had not been this way. Even reading some of the GA literature really makes me cringe. It is loaded with assumptions, some of them not nice at all, about the cg. And it is totally geared towards dishonest male action gamblers some of whom may have committed crime. I just can’t buy into it as I don’t believe it in the core of my being. But I believe it still can help but as I have said before at arms length.

[i-did-it]

Monica – did u see in the news that Scotland’s children’s commissioner is considering taking legal action against universal credit ? It is causing poverty for kids !

[Monica1]

They should do it here too!

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, As I live in the US, I am figuring out what you are talking about regarding taxes, ect. You have to be at poverty level and with dependants to get any help here. Our healthcare is horrible. Very expensive and the coverage is bad. I live in a small town with a lot of elderly people (I will be 60 years old this month). As I lived in a big city until 4 years ago, it is amazing the number of services and volunteers that are offered here. I wish you were here!!! You can use the services if you are over 55. I have to tell you about my first GA meeting. The controller person had me read aloud out of the GA handbook and asked me questions. It was all about me. I was mortified! At the break, one of the women there suggested that I find another meeting to go to as they had all been together a long time and were set in their ways. I jumped into my car and sped out of there! It took me a long time before I could muster the courage to go to another one. There are no meetings here. I read self help books and come to GT. I hope your situation improves for you soon!!

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, As I live in the US, I am figuring out what you are talking about regarding taxes, ect. You have to be at poverty level and with dependants to get any help here. Our healthcare is horrible. Very expensive and the coverage is bad. I live in a small town with a lot of elderly people (I will be 60 years old this month). As I lived in a big city until 4 years ago, it is amazing the number of services and volunteers that are offered here. I wish you were here!!! You can use the services if you are over 55. I have to tell you about my first GA meeting. The controller person had me read aloud out of the GA handbook and asked me questions. It was all about me. I was mortified! At the break, one of the women there suggested that I find another meeting to go to as they had all been together a long time and were set in their ways. I jumped into my car and sped out of there! It took me a long time before I could muster the courage to go to another one. There are no meetings here. I read self help books and come to GT. I hope your situation improves for you soon!!

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, As I live in the US, I am figuring out what you are talking about regarding taxes, ect. You have to be at poverty level and with dependants to get any help here. Our healthcare is horrible. Very expensive and the coverage is bad. I live in a small town with a lot of elderly people (I will be 60 years old this month). As I lived in a big city until 4 years ago, it is amazing the number of services and volunteers that are offered here. I wish you were here!!! You can use the services if you are over 55. I have to tell you about my first GA meeting. The controller person had me read aloud out of the GA handbook and asked me questions. It was all about me. I was mortified! At the break, one of the women there suggested that I find another meeting to go to as they had all been together a long time and were set in their ways. I jumped into my car and sped out of there! It took me a long time before I could muster the courage to go to another one. There are no meetings here. I read self help books and come to GT. I hope your situation improves for you soon!!

[lizbeth4]

I don’t know why it posted 3 times!

[Monica1]

Thanks very much for posting on my thread. I have read your thread a lot previously and good luck with the new start, thread and counselling. I genuinely think that the US is actually a lot worse than the UK, when it comes to looking after its people, even more so now. It is quite insane what is going on. It is a shame about GA for women. Each group is so different in the way it’s run. As I do keep saying I do think it is helpful but I really think they need to drastically modernise.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
I hope the sun is shining this morning .
Your shiny hair has me thinking .
I buy cheap shampoos now in pound shop , but what I have gambled in the last eight years would have bought me my own salon. The Mind boggles at how intelligent people can be so stupid .
I am wondering if we have been brainwashed – are we as gullible as those people who end up committing acts of terrorism or joining cults because they have been brainwashed?

Do you think it is in us all to commit crime ? I have never committed a crime but could that be our future ?

Interested in your thoughts
I have been praying a lot – it is reviving .
We can’t do this without support – but I had forgotten my number one support – God .

[finding_laura]

I often asked myself the same question IDI. What is wrong with me? I’m shopping for groceries like a miser, complaining about how expensive meat is and how we can’t afford these prices. But then I’d turn around and lose enough to have fed us gourmet prepared food all week! I knew we couldn’t afford either. Cheaping out when shopping just meant more money for gambling! And I was always dealing with the debt i had created so I had less and less money to go around.

I think we were brainwashed to a certain degree. A lot of these articles are about „pokies“ or slots machines but I would imagine most of the technology is the same as on line. Some interesting reads!

https://newrepublic.com/article/115838/gambling-addiction-why-are-slot-machines-so-addictive

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-the-brain-gets-addicted-to-gambling/

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-the-brain-gets-addicted-to-gambling/

[finding_laura]

Good afternoon for you Monica. I’m glad you and IDI have each other’s support and insight! I’ve had a busy weekend. I wasn’t feeling too hot after my busy day on Friday so yesterday I barely managed to mope and laze about after I did a little cleaning. Then I got my second wind after supper and we went out to friends for a couple hours for a visit.

It doesn’t seem fair when someone who has given with their last ounce of strength is left in a position of needing help and not receiving it. But as we have learned, life isn’t fair. Maybe the next one will make up for it but that doesn’t help your current state! I’m much like Liz, unable to comment about where and how you can get help in the UK. I can only pray that you do. The Salvation Army is an organization here that helps. I googled it in the UK and found this. Maybe see if there is some help they can offer you. I know they are a christian organization but I don’t think they check peoples faith they help. Or I hope not!

https://www.salvationarmy.org.uk/emergency-assistance

Keep enjoying the free things in life. The fresh air and walking! And hopefully you can get some help with food. As it is hard to recover your health without it!

Take care,
Laura

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post. In respect of crime, I don’t know. I always drew the line at committing crime but have had big debts even pre gamblingthat I struggled to have a grip on. I blew all the money in my business account when it should have been paid to the inland revenue. Because of the large amounts spent on gambling, I certainly lost my grip on reality completely and at the end a high weekly salary all went on gambling to the detriment of any bills. I was very sick st the end of it all with suicide being a more appealing option than living. I didn’t consider committing crime but am now being accused of one by not paying my council tax. There are still days where I can hardly believe where I have ended up Pre cancer I would never have gambled, it just wasn’t a thing I was interested in doing. I did get hooked very quickly though and knew it, and soight help very early on, none of each was effective. It is the single most most disastrous thing I have done in my life by a long way and many times I wish it was possible to just turn the clock back and say no to it.

[finding_laura]

I wished I could turn back time, many a time. We all have things we regret because of this addiction/compulsion/problem (whatever descriptor people want to assign it). I regret that my children went without anything extra for a long period of time. I would never do anything to hurt my sons. Yet I stole from them really. Turned what should have been a time with extras and trips became stressful and penny pinching. Little things like needing a hair cut that little bit too long. I would have been bankrupt no question about it if it hadn’t been for a major bail out from my family. Bailouts are usually not recommended but i looked at it as my one opportunity and I took it. They wouldn’t do it again. They didn’t pay off my debt, but were able to refinance the whole mess into a lower interest manageable payment that i made. And I threw myself into recovery whole heartedly to save myself because I decided I didn’t want to die. We have to forgive ourselves. I too drew the line at crime too. But I will never say never. I just say Lord, I don’t want to walk in those shoes!
Now as far as the revenue service, here gambling addiction and the resulting mental health crisis is considered a medical condition. Using a tax relief program or some such can file to have all penalty and interest waived for late filings and a reasonable repayment plan, which for you right now is zero. Maybe credit counselor there would know?

Just some thoughts Monica, I know can be overwhelming. I remember how exhausted I was. I was trying to work, take care of family, run to credit counselor and subsequent bank appointments. GA meetings and gambling addictions counseling. Relationship issues from the resulting crisis we were in. It seemed a long dark tunnel and the hoop jumping as well. You need basic sustenance to make it through this. It can be done. Praying for you to have strength.
Laura

[kin]

Hi Monica,

I can feel your pain and heartbreak and you are very brave in your sharing.

„There are two types of pains, one that hurts you and the other that changes you.“ ~ Anonymous Quotes

„The point of recovery isn’t to live without ups and downs – it is learning how to live with the ups and downs.“ ~ Ali Foley Shenk

„There is nothing better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance next time.“ ~ Malcom X

[finding_laura]

You ok Monica? You are quiet tonight. Did you get away for your weekend with your daugther? Thinking about you. Praying for strength for you. I’m hoping something comes through for you soon that will move things along in your favour. Kin is so right. You have enormous strength.

[i-did-it]

Monica, I was wondering about you too.
Thought maybe you were taking a break from posting .
Hope all is good in your world

[Monica1]

Thanks Laura, idi and kin. An emforced break . My wi fi was not working for most of yesterday but has started working today by itself. Took the time out to write a letter to the Court.

[Monica1]

Thanks Laura, idi and kin. An emforced break . My wi fi was not working for most of yesterday but has started working today by itself. Took the time out to write a letter to the Court.

[finding_laura]

Well you took a negative and turned it into a positive. One more little stone lifted off your back. I’m sure that was weighing on you. Good to have you back.

[Monica1]

Appreciate that. My sense of defeat and fall is pretty overwhelming. I realise how withdrawn I have become from society both pre and post gambling, and wonder what to make of it all. I was supposed to go to my daughters over the weekend and have had to cancel it each day. I hope to make it tomorrow. It is very hard when I feel like there is no hope and I am on day 112 now.

[Monica1]

Appreciate that. My sense of defeat and fall is pretty overwhelming. I realise how withdrawn I have become from society both pre and post gambling, and wonder what to make of it all. I was supposed to go to my daughters over the weekend and have had to cancel it each day. I hope to make it tomorrow. It is very hard when I feel like there is no hope and I am on day 112 now.

[finding_laura]

The wheels of government grind along slowly paying no mind to those that don’t have family to step in and assist. It must seem absolutely endless.
Did you have a chance to check out the salvation army website? Some locations have a electricity top up? Wouldn’t hurt to check into? And a food basket can’t harm. If you don’t like the stuff give it to Pete or the dog!
If you were offered a job tomorrow would you be able to take it? If in the new year you were offered a job and you were in same place you are now would it help? Because sooner or later you will get a job. I look at it as it’s keeping up your physical strength and health that is important. That requires the basics. Tackling things like keeping lights on and food in your belly. Survival until your ship comes in. You are bright, intelligent, well educated, and available. Sooner or later someone will recognize that and the fact that with your age comes stability and wisdom. You just need to make sure you look it for the interview 🙂 I hope you don’t ever feel that I minimize the situation you are in. Sometimes when we are in the mega storm we don’t see that it too does have an edge and will eventually improve. Barring any further disasters. I am a realist even though an optimist. Enjoy your evening in any way you can. Laura
Laura

[finding_laura]

Oh, and congratulations on day 112. Because you continue to make a choice each and every day. Onward and upward!
Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
I’m glad you are back – I hope to see you in groups later .
I have decided not to post on my own thread- just need a break from it . Means I have to be careful not to fill others threads with the stuff I want to write about me ! Lol!
I am glad you did that letter to the court – you are a capable and strong woman – I feel you could sort out that whole country – you will get through this also – although like Laura I am not minimising who difficult things are for you right now .
Keep strong – and keep taking those actions – when you can!

[Monica1]

Laura, ty. It is so tough. If I was offered a good job tomorrow,yes I would take it. I look reasonable and the hair colour makes a big difference. It would mean I could file for bankruptcy myself i stead of waiting for the inland revenue todo it or for a charitable grant to do it. I think you know that i will not go to Sally Army or a food bank. It just won’t happen. I would ring my son. But I cannot keep asking him. Once or twice is enough for me. The biggest thing for me has always been about dealing with the abandonment issue. It just feels like punishment with no mercy. And the endless silence when I pray. Hence stopping that, it just upsets me.

[Monica1]

Laura, ty. It is so tough. If I was offered a good job tomorrow,yes I would take it. I look reasonable and the hair colour makes a big difference. It would mean I could file for bankruptcy myself i stead of waiting for the inland revenue todo it or for a charitable grant to do it. I think you know that i will not go to Sally Army or a food bank. It just won’t happen. I would ring my son. But I cannot keep asking him. Once or twice is enough for me. The biggest thing for me has always been about dealing with the abandonment issue. It just feels like punishment with no mercy. And the endless silence when I pray. Hence stopping that, it just upsets me.

[Monica1]

Laura, ty. It is so tough. If I was offered a good job tomorrow,yes I would take it. I look reasonable and the hair colour makes a big difference. It would mean I could file for bankruptcy myself i stead of waiting for the inland revenue todo it or for a charitable grant to do it. I think you know that i will not go to Sally Army or a food bank. It just won’t happen. I would ring my son. But I cannot keep asking him. Once or twice is enough for me. The biggest thing for me has always been about dealing with the abandonment issue. It just feels like punishment with no mercy. And the endless silence when I pray. Hence stopping that, it just upsets me.

[Monica1]

He said he is sick of me doing nothing. I ask him to find the door. Every time I think it can’t get worse, it does. I decide to get up early and go to my daughters. I have so lost the person I used to be. I do t think I will ever get myself back.

[i-did-it]

Come to group ?

[finding_laura]

I do hope you are with your daughter. A change of seen won’t hurt for a day or two or maybe a little more.

You need someone who can help take a little weight off your shoulders. Pete is probably concerned in his own way but too bad for Pete. He is not expressing it in a beneficial way if he is!

All I can do from here is pray! I’m sure your are familiar with the poem footprints in the sand. Please read it again. Do not feel he has forsaken you!

I hope your time away is beneficial.

Laura

[i-did-it]

I hope you are feeling God’s focus on you because I have been praying for you ! And I know God listens and acts when we ask – because he said so!

[i-did-it]

Missing my mate but know when I am feeling relaxed and happy I never think about GT so am taking your absence as a really good sign .

[finding_laura]

I hope your daughter is fattening you up. I’m always afraid you would rather starve than ask for help. Great that you are with your daughter who understands you the most. Lots of hugs would be in order. Missing your presence. Hope you are having a good time away.
Laura

[p]

I hope you are doing ok and enjoying your daughters.. thinking good things for you right now , hope to see you in group soon

P

[Monica1]

Thank you all for your good wishes and prayers. I did indeed go to my daughters but stayed for just two days as had to be home for a gp appointment late Thursday afternoon. I haven’t been able
to post because my wi fi went and my son has just identified and sorted the problem, the router. I sleptfor a long time 16 hours at my daughters but enjoyed spending time with her talking about astrology and about how we are both in the Saturn return where life and faith falls apart. We are about to shift out of it having lasted three years on 20th December. My daughter now has a job and vocation to enter Into. I am so pleased for her and said not to end her marriage asit would have such a impact on the kids, particularly the youngest who is mega sensitive. I think she agrees that the job Will help.
Well, on the train on the way and back, I was deeply depressed and couldbarelysuppress the tears. I knew I was moving into suicide territory. I was meant to see my Gp for lung function but the appointment was completely taken over by my mental state. She sAid that it had deteriorated significantly since the prison proceedings and that she was concerned. She has referred me to local psychiatry mental health services and tried to persuade me to take mild antidepressants knowing how sensitive I am to western drugs. I said that it would be dangerous to give me them as I would take the lot so she didn’t. On the way to the docs a Jehovah’s Witness stopped me and took my number. Divine intervention? Maybe but from a jehovahswitnesss? Who I think r nuts?
Thursday evening I had strong urges to end my life. My daughter called me i the middle of these urges and the j witness by text. I had to stop the conversation with the Jehovah’s Witness though as she kept harpingon about Adam and Eveand the devil.
My daughter has texted me every day since then. My biggest issue has been no way out and how cruel the rhetoric of ga about how things will get better in recovery and I am now 4 months in. And things just got worse and worse.
Today however has been a good day. Both my sons took me out for sunday lunch and we had a long chat. We agreed that I can’t commit suicide in December cos of Xmas, January cos it’s my sons birthday and February Cos it is my granddaughters. So I have a window in March only, April and May is my mums and grandsons birthday. It was lovely,spending time with my boys and my eldest Ben said that if they give e a minimal amount to pay per month to avoid prison then he will pay it. Just to keep walking and taking the steps to improve my life. I am able bodied, even if not in mind at the moment. I can walk etc, so there is hope. My mood did improve from this and he gave me A little bit of money to see me through. I now know without doubt ihave the support of my children and that helps me no end.

[i-did-it]

Monica ,
You have the support of your children because they love you and they need you – their mum.
How awful it would have been for them if today they couldn’t have taken their mum out . You are needed .
You daughter turned to her mum for advice about what marriage – you are so needed.
I read your post on Charles thread – I know you have been hit very hard by lack of money – I know this has dragged you down no end – I can identify with this as money is important to me for the luxuries it can buy.
However you don’t have nothing – you have a family who love and support you – and that’s a great Christmas gift – to see and understand how much you mean to them .
I wish I could help you more – but I have missed you so much on this site – you have also become important to me and I value your support – I hope you feel it is returned .
Keep strong my friend -hope to see you in 10pm chat .

[Monica1]

Good to hear from you idi. Yes, Ben said if I left a suicide note he would just tear it up. But ultimate respect if I can turn my life around. How’s that for motivation. When my wifipacked up I also missed the site and you and Laura. And yes, the lack of money has been the biggest factor in my depression plus the abandonment from spiritual help when I am used to having whatever I need. The one thing I do get fromthis today is that love does indeed conquer. This is what I have been missing for many years feeling that love, and today I felt it. And it came from my sons and my daughter.

[Monica1]

I worked out today that I have been gamble free this year for 9 months, the last 4 in recovery but was abstinent for 5 months earlier in the year.

[i-did-it]

What a great achievement Monica – wow !
Your sons and daughter are just giving back a little of what Mum has given to them over the years – they know it .
What a great challenge – and if anyone can – Monica can .
I did wonder if u were ok – I had a kinda feeling all was not good so I am delighted to see you back here .
Monica if you knew how wonderful you are – how much people think of you – I love that you look at the world in your own way and don’t follow blindly . I love that you stand up and aren’t afraid to speak out when u see injustice – and u know what Monica – my mum always says where there’s life there is hope .
I believe in miracles.

[Monica1]

Lovely post, speak later in group.

[p]

Hi there
I am so glad to hear that your family have been so supportive to you that is wonderful. What i am concerned about is your talk of suicide and how after you mentioned to your doctor you couldnt have the anti depressants incase you take them all then she let you come home? I am amazed that you are feeling this way and someone from the medical profession just let you go. Mon from the way you are talking about suicide i would suggest you go check in with a professional and tell them exactly how you are feeling, i dont think its wise to be listening to you talk of suicide and then just ask how your day is it seems a little alarming to me and i am concerned for your safety right now.
I understand where you are at and have been there myself before mentally. I cant see someone talk of suicide on here and not say anything.
Please seek help. I am really happy for you about your family helping and happy for you with your gamble free time…
Please seek help and if you are about come to chat

P

[Monica1]

Hi p,
Thanks for your concern. It has passed and I think I hit the worst last Thursday when I was really battling with those awful feelings. . I am Ok at the moment and feeling alright as the time spent with my family has been really helpful. I am feeling the love today and also feel that I am hitting a personal turning point.

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica,

we missed your wise council and friendship. Your children are a gift. I’m sure they are concerned about you. We all are.

You are right. In GA they preach that things will get better. And for most it does get better. For those who can get debt relief and have an income, things get easier faster. And the bigger their income, the faster things will get better. You are in the position of being left with nothing having maxed out any credit you could. There is no way to sugar coat that. It’s devastating 🙁 And then to find out that the safety nets have been left in tatters by government. It’s tough.

But your children are your blessing. They want to make sure you make it. They are encircling you with their love and hope and help. Your batteries need recharging. Although slow, things will eventually come to some sort of conclusion. Things will get better. I have no doubt that you can come back from this.

I see your response just now to P. I’m glad you are feeling alright. Time with people who LOVE you is definitely a good thing. If you start feeling low, give them a call, to say hi. And remember you are talking to someone who would move heaven and earth to help you.

Take care of yourself Monica.

Laura

[finding_laura]

Hey Monica,

thinking of you. How’s Pete and the dog? I’m sure the dog missed you! When do you next check in with doc?

Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
Sorry I didn’t go to the twelve group last night – I had to be up earlier than usual because of the snow .
It is good to read you are feeling better .

[p]

How are you today Mon

I hope you are going well..

P

[finding_laura]

Good morning Monica,
hope you are doing ok today. Weather going to warm up for you any? I’m hoping you can get out for something besides eggs and the fresh air always does a body good. Does your doc have any influence on how fast you receive counseling? Or maybe you need to see a psychiatrist. Suggesting anti depressants was likely not a wrong suggestion but where is the other part of it. I’m glad you feel past that low but being back in the same environment may recreate it. I can see your reasons for being frustrated with our higher power (if there is one sometimes i think) for not coming through with a JOB. It can be a very cruel world. Somehow I feel that isn’t the way he works. Bad things do happen to good people. Which totally sucks!!! Do what you can to help this shift. Enjoy simple pleasures. Be proud of your hard earned 9 months of gambling free time. You make a choice every day to not gamble. ((( Monica ))) Have a good afternoon.
Laura

[Monica1]

Thanks for the chat last night and for your post. You are right about being in the same environment. I did go out for a walk today, albeit brief. It is still cold and is expected to continue for the rest of the week but the snow has cleared. As I mentioned in chat, pete andihave agreed to deal with the moving out issue in the New Year. Neither of us are ready to do that, me because ihave turned into relying on him for cigs and bits of food. So sad… when three years ago I was earning five figures monthly and supporting everyone. And I will give him a timeline till the end of March to find somewhere to live. I need to be earning before we can even effectively do that though. The Xmas prayer has not been answered but I still live in hope that a miracle can happen. My Gp is very limited in what she can offer. The counselling service is not an urgent service. In my job, I commission these types of services and I would definitely can this lot. The only other option was local psychiatry. I may go for one appointment or cancel it altogether. I don’t even believe in psychiatry as a therapeutic model. However, I have been offered today a place on the women’s programme with gma starting on the 22nd January which I have gratefully accepted. This gives me a little hope. My work coach cancelled my appointment today, probably because I now have a med cert that outlines the physical problems, which I asked my gp to put on. Next appt in new year. I am still stuck and can’t wait as my daughter says. For Saturn to shift out of sagittarius on the 20th December. I m being very slow in my long list of things to mostly writing letters to creditors and the court thing but have started with another list today. My tummy pain is back a bit, not as bad as last time but I think it is the diet and the fags. The bug has not been eradicated but my colon is perfectly healthy so stress related irritable bowel is the diagnosis there.

[Monica1]

I study scripture. Earlier today I ask some questions of my higher power, mostly about what Laura raises and related to suffering and the seeming absence of God in that. Of course, this ultimately relates to the suffering of Christ on the cross and I have always had an issue as to why he was allowed to suffer so much. The answer is that it was preordained and prophesied, and related to the Old Testament atonement for of a blood sacrifice. I read the teachings of St Augustus and Thomas Aquinas who also asked the same question, ie was there another way? I am still not convinced there wasn’t another way but he was six hours on the cross and I thought it was longer. For those who don’t keep religion, my apologies for writing about it. I am someone who in life has always been a seeker of truth, so I would quite like an answer to some of these questions. I feel like I am getting some answers, not all. Well, in the middle of all my reading, I am invited out for coffee by the Jehovah’s Witness on Friday so I agree to go. I am interested in people’s perspectives on all of this.

[Monica1]

I ate well today. Pete cooked spaghetti Bol with greens and had two cakes as well. Plus a cheese sarnie for a late lunch. So,i appreciate this. I really do!
One of the things my readings have convinced me of still is that there is a lot wrong in some of the new age teachings I have learned.

[Monica1]

Well, groups yesterday were quiet in the evening. No one in 10 or 12 group. I guess people are busy preparing for Xmas. I have no preparation at all as I have nothing. I feel completely excluded from life. This weighs heavily on me. Feeling sleepy today. The only positive has been a letter re a meeting in January for council tax. This delays things I am hoping.

[finding_laura]

Well that is a bit of good news, buys you a bit of time and then hopefully some sort of relief until you get back on your feet. A little hope isn’t too much to ask for. Sorry I wasn’t around last night, we went out for a while last evening. A bit spur of the moment. Which is how I tend to do things, difficult to plan ahead. Today I helped hubby do some christmas cooking. Meat pies that we freeze. Now I am taking a break before packing. I’m going out of town tonight to spend time with a friend. I’ll be missing groups tonight as well. Short trip, I’ll be back late tomorrow. That has to be most difficult for you, feeling left out of the Christmas season, left out of life at the moment. Thankfully your children are doing ok and your grandchildren will receive from their parents. I guess we ***** our blessings where we have them.

I’m think of a term I’ve heard kicked around. Marginalized members of society. You will not allow yourself to stay there as long as there is fight in you. I wish you good health for when your opportunity presents. Hopefully before any forced bankruptcy! I also know that you will help others in your own time. There are many who cannot escape their fate due to factors beyond their control that will not change.

Right now my income and ability to work in the future are in doubt. My disability doesn’t maintain my previous life style. There will be changes in the New Year. I’ve lost many of my career opportunities due to my disabilities and surgeries. Now I will lose more. Life doesn’t seem fair. But I don’t know if that is what this is all about. Thanks for pondering of the deeper issues and your perspective as you have studied scripture. Remind me to tell you the discussion I had with a priest once about forgiveness. He had a very good answer for my question I thought.

Congratulations!!! and well done on 120 days, 4 months is amazing. You are amazing. You ask when things will change or progress, but is that not progress? If you had a good job right away would you have gone back to the same cycle possibly? Sometimes we don’t get what we want we get what we need? Just some food for thought or discussion.

I’m so happy for you getting a spot in the program! Slowly like grains of sand through an hour glass, your successes will add up. Stay strong Monica!! And thanks again for your support.

Laura

[i-did-it]

I dropped by to the twelve group Monica – but missed u .
Maybe do ten group tonight – im not really into the forums anymore

[finding_laura]

Took my old but still functioning tablet with me. I knew I’d miss the first two chats. But am logged into the last one. I hope you are ok today Monica. Silence always makes me nervous. Laura

[Monica1]

Thanks for the post LAura. I am Ok, my hours now seem to be waking up at 1.30 pm and awake till 6am. Always this way when I do t have the structure of work which helps me enormously in getting a routine.
Well, it is bitingly cold out and I did go for a 20 minute walk to the shops for some chicken soup… pete left me a small walnut whip on a large plate in the fridge. The electricity is now low and need to find the fuel moneyin the next day to charge it. It is all about the basics of survival now, something I felt I had left decades ago. I am completely withdrawn from the xmas thing. I seem to go through alternate days of anger and tears and then acceptance and hope. I find these shifts difficult to deal with but decide today to be grateful for what I do have. I have read a lot of scripture about the nature of suffering. I also have read things by atheists who think god must be pretty nasty. I guess this planet is a very tough school.
Ben rings me And we briefly discuss moving in when I ask pete to leave. He needs to leave where he is and has a situation with his girlfriend which I won’t discuss on the forum but I don’t think their relationship will survive.
My usual day, watching tv in my bedroom and staying warm.
Missing my friend idi. Long time no speak!

[finding_laura]

Good to hear from you Monica. Glad you are cuddled up on a cold day watching tv. You don’t deserve to be given less than survival money to survive on. Not pretending you aren’t between a bit of a rock and a hard place. And pixie dust and fairy tales isn’t going to solve real life problems. I just hope that in some little way we give you a little support. These are darn tough tough times for you and no one can say you aren’t paying your dues. I miss I did it also. She would probably have something good to say!
((( Monica )))

I missed a few in group tonight 🙁 I’m always a little late

Laura

[finding_laura]

Good morning Monica. I’m nursing my arthritic bones this morning! Winter cold is here! Minus 20 Celcius. Which is why we have full heat through the entire house. We would be huddled in bed all winter otherwise!

The emotional ups and downs must be leaving you feeling exhausted. I hope you find some more positives in your day. If it’s warmer than -20 I’d ***** that! I’m looking at a couple of sad little birds clinging to my bird feeder. Poor dears.

Have a good day Monica!
Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
I have been following the threads on and off-
I was just watching and thinking no one even noticed I am not here – so I am so grateful for your post.
I am kinda low myself right now and don’t want to drag others down .
I tend to retreat into myself when things aren’t great – I am starting to realise this is a character flaw .
Also this has been the most incredibly busy week of my year .
My work days roll into nights !
I have been gambling. Not tragic amounts – but it is dragging me down as I have so much guilt associated with it . All the drama in here has taken its toll. I don’t really feel like posting anymore.
I was really upset to read how bad things had got for you after your visit to your daughters but just didn’t seem able to find the right words – think I’m having one of my GT dry spells .

Thank u for noticing I haven’t been here – hope to meet u in chat over the weekend – if they work !

[finding_laura]

Hi IDI, piggy backing here. I have noticed you are gone and I miss your presence. But I read how you didn’t want to post anymore and how you are not into forums anymore. Makes it hard to connect while still honoring your wishes! When I started gambling again I wasn’t causing extreme financial damage overall. But it still chipped away and then there was an occasional blow out where I’d lose hundreds i couldn’t afford. I’m sorry things aren’t great. I’ll try and catch 10pm chat tonight. Take care, Laura

[lizbeth4]

Monica, Thank you so much for posting on my thread. I have taken your advice to heart and I’m implementing changes. How can i give up hope with what you are enduring. I wish you were here or I was there to help you! I hope your living arrangement change and you move in with Ben when Pete leaves. You don’t deserve to live the way you are. I hope you have a good day! You’re a amazing person. I hope you realize that.

[Monica1]

Hi all,
Thanks for posting my threads.
Idi, I don’t care if you are gambling. For you, I would prefer it if you weren’t but it doesn’t make any difference to Whoyou are, which is a wonderful, warm and funny person. The only person that can stop is you although I know how it feels when we awaken the beast. It kind of takes over and will use any excuse to isolate you from support. Please reconnect with the site. I also retreat into myself when down hence my hibernation at the moment. But this site, you and Laurahave been a lifeline. We need a forum to express how we feel, all of it, And I don’t think it brings others down, it might be viewed like this in the big wide world but on here definitely not, we know how this addiction impacts on us and our mental health in action and unfortunately,in recovery. There is a lot of love here for you idi, gambling or not and I have thought about you every day. And when I was in suicidal.mode , which I undoubtedly was, you don’t have to say anything. I know, from friends who unfortunately did co. It suicide that it is very hard to reach them or know what to do but you can reach peopleidi,and your kind words have definitely helped me a lot in the past. You have prayed for me which I very much appreciate. I am recultivating my relationship with our Creator and have been reading a lot of helpful scripture.
Laura, it is so much colder there than here and it is biting here. The cold does affect the bones and for me, the colder it gets, the sleepier I feel.
Liz, we will get there!

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
Thank you for such a lovely post.
This is what motivates me in GT – people who offer sincere support which encourages rather than tells us what we already know in a lofty manner- I detest being spoken to like I am a complete idiot – I am only an idiot when it comes to my gambling addiction .

I don’t know why I feel guilty – I think maybe it’s the fact that we are made to feel that nothing less than gamble free is good enough – in all I have spent thirty euro- I enjoyed spending it. I need to normalise how I think about gambling .

Monica, I am so glad you sought help – in doing so it shows that u are not ready to give up -your circumstances have been really awful – however a new year will bring change – a fresh start.
Did u get money for the electricity ? What are your plans for Christmas Day?
I have started painting. I am back on track for my „business venture „I talked to you about. I love painting and decorating as much as I hate housework -.it amazes me that I become like super woman – full of energy – although I am rather more stiff than I used to be going up and down those steps .

I am so glad you are finding God – he has a plan for you – maybe not the one you would chose for yourself – maybe with your skills in public speaking he has plans for you to be an advocate for people who find themselves in difficult circumstances- God had given you a great brain , great presentation skills, a kind heart and great compassion .
It occurs to me that you could the director of a national charity .

I hope you are in better spirits today and feeling the love of God

[Monica1]

Hi idi
I wish I could say I was in better spirits but in Truth I am not. If God has a plan he is very slow in revealing it. Over four Months in this purgatory are taking their toll. Why life is being so cruel to me I do not know why. I feel bad about going to my sisters with nothing. It simply has never happened this way and I feel the cruelty of this acutely. I wonder why life has deserted me. I got two Xmas cards from my sister and mum today and my sister just says hope all is well with me. Again such a blind ignorance to how things are. Life just isn’t happening here. Nothing. Each day as Intolerable as the last one. I sometimes think that this is it, I stuffed my life up and will ever recover from it. Just a downward spiral. And that is something I don’t want to face or go through. I will give it until the springtime. It will be 7 or 8 months by then. If nothing changes I cannot spend any more time on benefits. It isn’t living.

[i-did-it]

We will get a chat and work on a plan – I have been going though job agency sites – i saw some jobs that might suit you. I think there is lots of hope – I wish we could meet. I feel strongly that you are on verge of a breakthrough .
Purgatory ends- it is a time of melting,
moulding and preparation .
Rem if the shoe was on the other foot you would not care whether your sister had a present or not !

You ar

[lizbeth4]

Monica, I wish that things were different for you. I’m sure it’s hard to find any hope. Just know that I do care and I’ve been thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way! Regarding your Sister’s comment : sometimes people, even ones who are close to us, either can’t or don’t want to see the truth. It’s hurtful and disregarding. You have so much to offer this world. Don’t forget it! Hang in there.

[Monica1]

Your support helps me a lot. Ty. I haven’t forgotten the plan idi. But the first thing has to be energy and motivation. I cannot get out of bed and do anything. So ihave to start with that. I have just listened to a manifestation email I was sent. Clearly my energy is just attracting more of the same so i have to change it somehow. Like attracts like, I know that for certain in life so all that I am doing right now when I do anything is all about debt and doing the stuff to maintain getting benefits, which is pathetic. Part of my staying in bed is because i simply don’t want to be doing this stuff. But I don’t know how to shift it.

[i-did-it]

Chat?

[Monica1]

Right job, wrong location but you are on the right track with types of role. Ty.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
I hope the sun is shining in your world today .
I enjoyed our chat last night but of course it was too short .
Did u have Sunday dinner?

[Monica1]

No Sunday dinner today. I went to sleep at 6am and woke up 7pm. Hours completely messed up. Yes, it was a good chat last night but agree was too short. Sent emails to two old work colleagues who contacted me and are also looking for work. It’s tough out there. Glad it isn’t too cold as low on fuel. I did a job search last night after we spoke, there are a couple of things but most jobs up north which I cannot do. Hope your day is going well. In myself I am reasonably ok today although I have slept for most of it…

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
What’s happening your world today ?

[lizbeth4]

Monica, Thanks for your post on my thread. I can’t imagine having health issues on top of dealing with the aftermath of this addiction. I think of you often and pray that you can find something positive in your day.

[Monica1]

Very low today. Nothing to eat until a pizza slice at 10pm. Sleeping for long periods. I am beyond unhappy.

[finding_laura]

Beautiful lovely Monica. I’m sorry you are having such a low time. Wishing I could send you a big care package. How does your family think you are eating? Are you keeping things from them?

So to keep spirits up, tell me about where you are going to take your next vacation after you’ve got your next job of course. Even if it isn’t as grand as some you’ve taken you will owe it to yourself to carve a little bit of money off for a spa weekend or even a spa day. A reward for making it through this tough time. I know it must be so depressing. Despair I would dare say. But please don’t give up. There has to be brighter times ahead. It just needs to hurry up and get here already. Call someone who loves you and remember that they would do anything for you. You don’t have to ask them if you don’t want to. Just knowing that they would must be a little comfort. Take care Monica. It’s middle of the night for me and I’m heading back to bed. ~L

[i-did-it]

Monica ,
It sounds like you are lacking nourishment –
It is hard to feel happy when the blood sugar is low and our bodies are craving vitamins and minerals .
I’m wondering if you could buy some cheap supplements .
I hope to see you in a group later – I called in on the twelve o’ clock one last night but it was empty .
Hate to think of you feeling so unhappy .
Xx

[Monica1]

Idi I think you are right that I am lacking in nourishment. There is also a degree of nicotine withdrawal yesterday which comes on very quickly and I become a tearful emotional wreck. I feel incredibly tired. I could not face group last night. I seem to keep switching from a huge anger towards God and tears to being able to cope a bit. It keeps swinging daily from one to the other as it has for some time. My sponsor texted me to ask how I was. When I said that I was in despair he did not text back. So many people can’t handle it when we re very low, they just don’t know what to do.
I forced myself to go out today for a walk. I am so tired but still managed to appreciate a pink and blue sky at sunset. In my colour therapy These are the colours of a wish so I made a wish for happiness for me and my family. I feel acutely the fake ness of Xmas, the annual spendfest that is man made, whereas real meaning has been lost to materiality. My daughter texted me to say that she is also feeling the darkness. That is how it feels, bereft of light and joy, emptiness, the absence of God, nothingness, hopelessness. Dreaming of good stuff isn’t going to hack it Laura. My reality is bleak, that is how it is. I wish with all my heart it wasn’t so, it it is so.

[Monica1]

Pete comes back at 7. He has put up some small decorations in the front room with some white lights which look nice.

Life often gives us signs and symbols and when I walked into town I saw an empty hearse. These sorts of things are nearly always omens from the universe. I knew instantly that it wasn’t for me or mine. There was an Afro Caribbean family next to me and it was related to that. Don’t ask me why but I just knew.
Pete has been distant for the past couple of days and out till the small hours and grumpy hence just the one pizza slice yesterday He seems to regret this when he comes in. My jeans are falling down on my hips but I had the weight to lose anyway. He gives me some cigs and fills the electric meter. We have been rationing the heat for a few days but it hasn’t been too cold thankfully and Being at the top of a big house, we benefit from the flats below central heating a bit.
I think because my intuition is quite good at seeing signs and portents part of my frustration is because I do not see a change coming yet for me. Still not having anything at Xmas is one of the worst things that life can do to me. I do not forgive it for its harshness.
Pete tells me his uncle on his dads side passed which is why I haven’t seen much of him. And Pete is afrocaribbean so the universe and it’s messages don’t lie.
He gives me some walnut whips, a stalwArt favorite. He pours me a glass of wine and then retires to the front room, which is Mine yet I am not allowed in. I do not drink very often but I accept it.
I am glad idi has set up a new thread and completely agree with the repeated advice type of support which feels to me like a stuck record and robotic, not human, no understanding of who we are inside. I also don’t want this type of support. It doesn’t help us.

[finding_laura]

just missed you!

[finding_laura]

I’m sorry that there is no room left for dreams at the moment. You must really feel deserted. You are right. A lot of people don’t know what to do when someone is in such a state. Because where does one begin? If I was there a care package would definitely be in order. I don’t pretend to know the meaning of this universe or why some have it so much harder than others. There are some sources of help but you are too proud or don’t feel you are deserving enough to accept it? I don’t like to hear of you not eating well. It truly bothers me. This addiction takes so much. I’m so so sorry to hear the pain and exhaustion that gambling has brought to your life. You deserve so much more Monica. I can only hope and pray that this nightmare comes to an end soon for you. Hugs from across the pond. Laura

[Monica1]

Sorry I missed you in group earlier. Thanks for your posts. There is no help really. I saw my Gp on 7th December when I was feeling suicidal. Urgent help? Nothing as yet. 6 month wait for counselling. This country truly sucks. I hope I get a job abroad until the government changes. The odd thing is is that my daughter has been feeling it too. I am sensitive to energy but she is even more so. Laura your kindness means a lot. I have just had a large cheese sandwich plus the walnut whips. So I am Ok foodwise for now. It was the past couple of days where I had very little as too reliant on pete for food, and naturally he has had a family bereavement to deal with.

[finding_laura]

I’m glad you are fed Monica. I was meaning help with electric and food, but you have said you won’t use those sources of help. I totally agree that you need a job to come along. I’d just like to make sure you aren’t a skeleton by the time it comes along. And I don’t think it helps with your moods. You are stuck waiting my friend until this universe decides to cough up some goodness your way. Proper food and rest are needed to sustain you. It’s unlikely a big purse of money will fall from the sky before Christmas to allow you to shop. Love your family, the true light in the darkness, and allow them to sustain you through these tough times. Being together is the true meaning of Christmas. The rest is as you say, artificial and materialistic. You are a survivor Monica. Lets hope you don’t have to wait much longer.

Laura

[i-did-it]

Monica ,
I get paid on Thursday and I would like to lend you (I know how you feel about People giving u stuff) just a little to make Christmas less painful. When u get on your feet (and I know you will)you can repay me – it’s wont be a lot. Now this is a sign from the universe ! Do u have a PayPal account ?
I was kinda shocked by the response to your situation on the topics thread – if I knew someone on so little money I would’ve helping them out even if the gambled their entire benefit . I think you are right about The GA mentality – let people reach rock bottom and then they will get better .unfortunately it has been proven time and time again that this is a pile of nonsense – many people on here write of several rock bottoms and relapses . Some do eventually get there (maybe just it’s their time ) but for most their first meeting at GA does not signal recovery !

You are intuitive – you are aware .you have your walnut whirls and your wine – not a bad wee day !xx

[Monica1]

Thanks so much for your post. You are a good friend. I was going to do the midnight group but my daughter rang me at 5 to 12 and we were on the phone till now. She gets where my moods are swinging as she is going through exactly the same thing. Some of it is the dance between the dark and the light and seasonal, but it does seem to be stronger vibe wise this year. We really understand each other except she is even more sensitive than me. She also wanted to talk through a couple of family things both from a long time ago but unresolved. It wasn’t an easy conversation.
Has there been a response to my thread on the topics? If there is I dont want to read it! I never like to write a post when I am cross and probably shouldn’t have. But I do find some of the responses and repetitive attitudes really demeaning and lack sensitivity and understanding. I have decided to avoid those groups or respond to any of the posts because it is a waste of time. It feels like a machine programmed with the same responses and stance. I guess we all have things that push our buttons and one of mine is a lack of sensitivity to people and situations. Because I know that I have that in droves but a lot of people simply don’t. Sometimes folk who are there to help really don’t help, so it is best we avoid those situations. So, like yourself and your situation that the only thing to do is avoid, I have found my situation that I also need to avoid. We just need to agree to disagree. And move on.
You know, whoever it was I would have pulled someone up on that sort of response and attitude, but I wonder if there is a better than thou slightly smug attitude because of where we are as cgs. I don’t like this at all! All support should be about empowering that individual no matter where they are at, and should make an attempt to understand the person. That’s all we want really as human beings, to be understood.
Fab to hear from you. I think you and I are on exactly the same page when it comes to the support that is available. We can see straight through the dogma and know that a lot of it is on shaky ground. When you described GA as having to say you your greatest flaw, I also saw the insanity of that as well. It is like a group for damaged individuals that have to keep reaffirming that they are damaged. Madness.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau, Thanks for your support! I think it is cruel for anyone to think that by hitting rock bottom it’s okay to be hungry or cold. That is just plain cruel. Anyone and everyone deserves nourishment, shelter and heat. What the heck are these people thinking???? We should be given encouragement not knocked down. We aren’t sub humans. It is worrisome that you’re not eating properly. I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with this situation. Don’t ever forget how awesome you are! I look forward to your posts. The way you describe things you’ve seen, like your recent walk. It makes me feel like I’m there with you. Take care!

[Monica1]

Well, this country has been slammed by the United Nations for abuses on vulnerable and disabled people. We have a very sick Government in a sick and out of balance country.
Idi, my sister will send me the Fare to go to her house for Xmas. They lie in the middle of nowhere with no mobile signal. Pete doesn’t do Xmas, never has, and spends it alone. He is working security as a volunteer on Xmas day at the church Xmas dinner for the homeless. I really appreciate your kind gesture But won’t accept. You are a lovely caring person. Broke the mould when they made you. And, no I don’t have a paypal account, I fell out with the, many moons ago,when they took a massive commission on a transfer from overseas on a casino win funnily enough years ago. Bless you for the gesture.

[i-did-it]

Monica ,
A small amount will make no difference to my life (I know that sounds wrong to be saying to you right now ) but might substantially improve yours just for now because this situation, while much longer than you hoped for , is temporary .
Friendship is about giving and receiving .
You are a giver Monica – time maybe to receive ?

You can easily reinstate your PayPal. Just a matter of getting a code sent to your bank .
We all deserve a helping hand now and again.
You have helped so many on here .

[i-did-it]

Just woke up – missed u by 3 mins on group- will try again

[Monica1]

I logged into chat at 20 to 1 and waited for 15 mins. You were logged in but busy on the forum. When r u next on chat? I am Ok today. Pete bought some meat bac k from the church so ate ok today.

[i-did-it]

I kept switching between screens and it wouldn’t let me type- I read what u had written there and eventually replies a couple of minutes after you logged out .
I am not sure but this happens on my phone sometimes.

So sorry !!

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,hope today has been good !
That’s me finished work for Christmas which means no excuse for not doing housework – which I absolutely detest lol.
Hope to catch you in group later

[Monica1]

Well was up all night and day yesterday and tried to stay awake for the 10pm group but fell asleep at quarter to ten and woke up at 4am, strange hours I am on.
I did fascinating stuff yesterday like goi g to the council to provide evidence as to why I claimed so late for support. On the way on the bus a very talkative woman who just wouldn’t stop was going on about being ready for Xmas and doing some last minute shopping. I winced inside asit it’s keeps hitting home. No wonder I don’t go out. I don’t feellike part of the human race. And then listening to the radio about the passport being blue infuture re brezit. This country is heading off the edge of a cliff like lemmings. It’s crazy.

I am completely excluded from Life itself as I have nothing. This I keep finding extremely painful. I still haven’t rung my sister to warn her about my state as she will need to pick me up from the railway station when I would usually Take a taxi. This having nothing at Xmas has never happened and I remember last year when I spent a small fortune in Swarovski getting lovely jewellery for all the girls in the family. Why life has all been so harsh with me I do not know. I deserve far better than this.
I got a letter yesterday saying that my medical certificate has not been received when I handed it in personally. I realised that the dole office had lost it and I got extremely agitated and anxious. Missinga monthly benefit payment means eviction. Thankfully, my work coach sorted it out this morning, I hate the power this system holds over me.
I email the housing officer and ask about progress to find she is going in the wrong direction by going to stepchange re bankruptcy,who,wot deal with me because of the revenue debt. There is nowhere to go and this,is her job yet she doesn’t know where to go with it. .i am in limbo .I am bankrupt but can’t file for it.
I

[finding_laura]

Good morning Monica, or it might feel like evening to you as you’ve been up quite a spell. Bureaucracy! It’s a nightmare. I cringe whenever I have to deal with it!

I can imagine how you must feel right now with Christmas coming and everyone preparing while your life is on hold. I had almost a permanent sensitivity for the first few months where i would flush with embarrassment or shame. Any little remark could set it off. I felt like everyone knew I had gambled away everything. Like it was stamped on my forehead. I went through the experience of having to tell people important to me that I had left myself destitute. Also not long before Christmas. I was lent enough to save face Christmas day with the kids of the family. The adults knew what was going on and didn’t expect anything. It can be so difficult to tell someone we love, and whom we have the respect of, that we messed up, that we are ill, and yes it is that serious. Deep breath. I hope your sister supports you as much as mine supported me.

Are you being bothered by creditors at the moment? I’m wondering what the rush for bankruptcy is if it will prevent you from working in your current field. Might be a blessing in disguise not to be able to file yet as long as the creditors are currently leaving you alone and not causing you mental distress.

Getting through all this shite is very difficult. Others can’t go through it for us, but they can help us get through it. Take the support you can get no matter where it comes from. Because you are so right, you don’t deserve this. I don’t know if anyone gets what they are deserved (look at all those who suffer through war and famine including innocent babies and children). Bad things happen to good people. But you do deserve any and every life line that comes your way. From family, from agencies, from friends. PLEASE take them. (((( Monica ))))

Laura

[i-did-it]

Monica,
I don’t know what to say.
People who say money doesn’t matter have obviously never been without some kind of access to it
Last Christmas you bought lovely presents – keep in mind that the only thing that stands between you and being able to buy presents again is a job. You are not without hope- you have all your experience , qualifications and personal qualities. When I have delays in life I often think God has had a hand in it – maybe he is delaying the bankruptcy etc.

Monica , you are only a job away from being back to where u were . Keep that in mind – you can repay debts , have a good life and even save .
I know life seems desolate now but January is a good time for job hunting – I am not being dismissive of how deeply horrible life is right now – I guess I am just on the outside looking in- I think you are like me in that you need routine and purpose in your life .
Get over Christmas as best you can and then turn your back forever on this Annus horribilis ! New year – new beginnings .

[vera]

I sense your frustration, Monica. I know it can be overwhelming at times, but somehow you are keeping your head above water.
The Social Welfare system is flawed, no doubt. As is the Revenue, Health Care, Banking System, Department of Justice and many other corporate bodies.
The bottom line though, Monica is that gambling is really what brought you and I to our current state.
Yes, I know I am far more fortunate than most but roll back four years and I was exactly where you are today. Maybe not financially (I still had borrowing power –but High Interest borrowing comes at a serious cost to our health and well being) but certainly, emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually I had reached the level you describe. I know we can’t compare because everyone’s circumstances are different.
I had lost connection with most people and my health was spiralling downwards. I had HUGE debt and needed to keep my job to service these debts. My boss was on my back and because I had documented her „antics“ and submitted them to higher authority , I was seen as a „boat rocker“ in a ruthless Service where Senior Management always unite and isolate the „trouble maker“. To add to this shitty mix , I was gambling as if there was no tomorrow……..I won’t bore you with the minutiae of my horror story , Monica. The only thing I had on my side was TRUTH. That is what saved me in the end.
I’m writing this to reach out with a message of Hope this Christmas, Monica.
2017 has not been „your year“. I could name several years that I would prefer to blot out of my life or get a chance to relive. Fifteen in total-my Gambling Years.
Circumstances DO change Monica.
The way I landed a permanent and pensionable job at age 52, was a bordeline miracle and I don’t use the word „miracle“ lightly.
Things WILL improve, Monica. I pray for you every day. All you need is that one break. Your turn will come. Believe me.
It took me at least a year before I saw a little financial improvement. I will be two years G free at the end of this month. In some ways my life is better but some aspects are worse.
Life will never be a bed of roses. taking one day at a time and keeping everything simple serves me well. When I allow anxiety and stress to take hold, I begin to flounder.
I thought of you last night , Monica at a GA meeting.
I was looking at the ten men there and remembering some of the experiences you shared. They were all (except one who didn’t want to speak) open, honest, genuine guys who really just wanted everyone to stay away from gambling. I said to myself „I wish Monica was here to witness this“!

[Monica1]

Thank you all. Vera, so good to hear from you and I hope you feel better. Thank you for sending me a message of hope. Hearing your stories gives me some comfort. It really does,
This evening my iPad would not turn on. Said a quick prayer and after five minutes it started to work. I realised how grateful I was for my access to the outside world and how bereft I would be without it. Wish my prayers for my life would have such quick results!
I will go back to GA when I feel ready to. I cannot face breaking down in this environment so I will leave it for now. It genuinely wasn’t helping me so ihave to stop. My daughter is giving me some St. John’s wort for Xmas and I hope this will improve my exhaustion with this whole situation.
Yes 2017 has been an annual horribilis. Maybe the delay in obtaining bankruptcy is a good thing. I know that I needed to rest as I was so jaded by the world and my last relapse was an attempt to destroy myself with the disease entering into What I would say is the final stage of self destruction, as it does. I see it as a separate entity that is progressive and runs its course. At least I have the power to say no to that every day. That is easy being where I am. At 60 I don’t know if I can recover any sort of a life and I know Vera will relate to the feeling that we are running out of time.
Sending all my friends on this site warm wishes at Xmas and here’s to a new year celebrating the benefits of recovery.

[Monkey15]

From what you are describing and feeling takes me back to how your was feeling not that long ago, not a good place or a nice feeling, we know.

Forgive me if this has been mentioned before, you are in the U.K? Some lovely person on this site mentioned Christians against poverty, in the U.K. and I have tracked them down in NZ. I have an appointment with them in late January and I truly believe that they will help me get out of the financial mess I find myself in, otherwise I will loose my home…

I found them very understanding when I told them about how I got myself in this mess and they have provided lots of support and follow up calls about what I need to do.

Just a thought….

[Monica1]

I will look them up.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica-
Hope all is good today with you .
I think I suggested Christians against poverty to Tina – I thought they were very well known .
I think they have lost some status (or some backing ) in the financial world because they insist on praying with people . I think we could use all the prayers we can get .
I know you head away soon so if I don’t catch you before you go have a lovely peaceful CHristmas.

[finding_laura]

may your time away with family be restorative.

I’m sure it can be frustrating having time to rest and heal without having the money to buy necessary natural medicines and basic nutrition to go with it.

Along with others I pray that things will resolve and improve for you. A job or a path forward.

You chose to fight this thing and not give in to self destruction. You’ve been open with your family. You have been on a journey of self exploration which has been d*mn tough. You have taken care of the things that you can. You’ve been accepted into the women’s program next month.

You have made progress since that „final stage of destruction“. Those first baby steps are the hardest especially nearly alone. You are one tough cookie Monica. You can’t keep a good woman down. I’ll have a drink to „a New Year celebrating the benefits of recovery“.

Here’s to a healthier and happier us in the new year. Cheers

Laura xo

[lizbeth4]

I’m wishing you have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Years! Enjoy your family! I’m praying for you to have better health and a job!!!!

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica – I hope Christmas was blissful and that you are feeling well nourished and relaxed
Xx

[finding_laura]

I too hope you had a restoring Christmas holiday with family. Miss your presence but don’t want to wish you back yet. It’s good to know you are out of your room and someone besides Pete is planning the menu! Happy New Year Monica. Laura xo

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
I hope you are having a good day.
I hope you slept well and are feeling positive about the future .
Did u explain things to family you spent Christmas with?
Did they understand ?

Looking forward to reading and update from you .

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica – was going to drop by the 2am group if u about ?

[vera]

Just to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Monica.
Christmas is a time of Great Hope and Joy .
It can also be a time of despair, for many.
My wish for you is that at the end of 2017, you will bid a final farewell to gambling and to the hardship it has brought into your life and that the New Year will bring work opportunities, good health and the energy to make a new start.
It is never too late to begin again.
I have an image of you sitting back in a comfortable armchair, feet on a pouffe, sipping a glass of sweet wine and choosing festive delicacies from a silver platter, lapping up the luxury of your Christmas Break.
I use guided imagery a lot. I feel if I project this image onto you, it will happen. It’s a combination of prayer/wishing and hoping.
Let’s hope I’m not too far off the mark!

[Monica1]

Thank you for your posts. I am behind with my posting. Vera, that was a lovely post. Ty so much, I tried posting to your thread before Xmas but it kept blocking it for some reason.

Ok, xmas, was fairly relaxing with good food. It nearly,didn’t happen as there were no trains at all due to engineering work and I went to my mums first to be picked up by my sister. My mum loves to boast about how she pays all her bills and we had an awkward moment initially where I got upset and asked her to just be a little more sensitive to my financial state. I feel very bad that I have nothing at all, first time ever, but it is not held against me and I am grateful for that. My mum initially refuses to leave her flat because we have upset each other. The awkward moment soon passed, however.
My brother in law was very sick during the whole Xmas period. A lifetime of smoking and at 69 had an exacerbation of copd and he could barely walk five yards. I slept on the sofa bed in the front room and on Boxing Day night he came downstairs so breathless I thought he was going to expire there and then. A lesson to us all re perils of long term smoking. My sister loves to cook for everyone and did well except,on the 27th where somehow a very expensive joint of beef ended up dished up raw, and it ended up going to the cats. But she did so well getting me lovely presents, a new watch and a Swarovski bracelet, my mum bought me angel perfume and 40 quid. My niece and her son came over too on Xmas day and the 27th. My sister prepares months in advance for Xmas and I always feel beholden to go missing my own children’s Xmas. my mum said, I am your family, but I let it be known how bad i felt that year on year, it is not spent with my family and that this needed to change. My sister agreed. The reasons for this are complex. My mum has only met my children maybe once or twice in her lifetime and four of her grandkids not at all. It feels too late to change that and quite frankly, my children now have no inclination to. We got the worst of the snow on the 27th and could not come home as planned on that day. My sister and mum are addicted to scratch cards and bought them every day. I stayed in the car avoiding going into any shops.
I dozed for long period on the sofa from about 3pm to 7. In all honesty the reason for this is that the conversations are always quite superficial and very boring, never going into any depth. I find this so boring I choose to go to sleep rather than participate. It is the sort of conversations re what has been bought, the neighbours, cats etc, that I find is like the ever decreasing circles of age. We can’t choose what we watch on tv as it is controlled by my brother in law,despite being so.ill. He makes some dreadful remarks about all children and adults who ar never going to see any improvement in a medica, condition should be euthanised and I am shocked and say to my mum that he is a nazi.
Despite all of this, I go because I love my mum and sister. My mum nearly expired last year following emergency surgery and can barely see or hear well at present. Many things are repeated and she misunderstands a lot. All in all. It was ok, the turkey dinner being amazingly good. By the time we leave on the 28th, I am glad to be going, it is virtually the same every year. But I don’t think that matters. It is a time to be together despite differences and the sameness of it all year in year is quite reassuring In an odd way. I mention that I am going to Gordon Moody in January but that is all,that is spoken about my addiction.

[i-did-it]

Monica,
Its great to hear from you – you write in such an interesting way – I feel I was there with you

I have people in my family who pass comments similar to that of your brother in law -it takes a lot of strength not to punch them!

It sounds like you had a restful time despite all.
It is good to spend time with your mum especially as she has had poor health in the past year.

Gordon moody house will be a great help to you Monica – it will help you get back in your feet .

I look forward to chatting to you in group

[Monica1]

Always good to hear from you. Thanks for what you say about my writing. I have had things published in the late 80s and it has always been one of my alternative careers.

Days 136 to 138
On 28th I arrive home early evening a bit tired but do a group. I have missed it and my friends on chat. Pete does not ask me how xmas was, just that his was not good, but he always chooses to spend it on his own, it is his conscious choice and I recall that on boxing day last year his 59year old sister passed after a short battle with an aggressive cancer, and it may relate to that. There is a palpable distance between us and he says that he hopes we can be civil to each other. Well. Hello, my bedroom again. Back to same old, same old, but I feel ok in myself.
Day 137
I get up and go for a walk to the shops, relieved that I am not breathless. Seeing my brother in law in the state he was in was a wake up call. I buy some food with half of the small amount of money I have received for Xmas. My son rings me and tells me he did not have a good xmas. He goes to his fathers who only acknowledged his existence about six years ago after a dna test. I had tried to do this when Ben was 16, taking steps to trace him but his wife at the time put a stop to it all.He has remarried since then. To be fair, he has tried to make up for lost time integrating Ben into his family and giving him odd bits of work in his building business. He comes from a well to do family and is very well off. All of my boyfriends when I was younger were well off, I just ended up with the ne’er do wells…Ben has been going through a very difficult time with his girlfriend, a situation that is quite traumatic but I can’t disclose it on the forum. He has put a separation into relationship which is right for him to do at this time. He tells me that he missed xmas dinner because he was out of it and his father gave him some cocaine. I am shocked at this,it is not a surprise about his father doing this as he is a recreational user but super fit. Going to the gym daily, I am stunned that Ben, who is very anti drugs participated. I think Ben is also surprised by this too. I tell Ben I will call him later, I need to reflect on what I have just heard.
Unfortunately, I spend the next three hours in debilitating pain with the irritable bowel. It starts in the middle of phone call with my daughter which I have to cut short. It is awful and takes it out of me. I have Hot and cold flushes with the pain and pray for the cramps to stop, which they eventually do. This was the worst attack in a while and I wonder if the double cheeseburger I had one hour earlier earlier has anything to do with it. I resolve to lay off macdonalds.
As I am getting over it I start to play the free online bingo on Facebook and proceed to spend the next ten hours doing so. I spend the small amount of money left in my account on tickets. This is not gambling but I recognise the compulsiveness of playing and that this is and has been a prelude to a full blown relapse. This concerns me greatly. I resolve to reattend GA even though I have my concerns about it. This would not have happened when I was going to GA. I realise that the trigger was three hours of unrelenting pain and that this was an escape type episode.
Having been up,all night till midday I sleep till 7pm this evening.

[Monica1]

I intend to do the 10pm group but my son calls me. We talk in detail about escape type episodes and how important it is for us to discuss how we feel without being indulgent and over emotional. We also talk about how we are like our parents and the traits. I ask him how he is living a similar life to me and to his father. We see all the similarities. Ben would like me more involved with the grandkids. In what way am I like my mother? My boys shunned me when I was with pete for good reasons. He said I just went from one desperate situation to another and in My personal lifehe was right. I talked about not having an off button when it comes to gambling. He says he doesn’t have an off button when it comes to cocaine and alcohol but gave it all up years ago and only restarted again this Xmas to which he paid the price of a bad cold and missing Xmas dinner. in what way is he like his father? Quite a lot. His dad is an occasional binge alcoholic and binge cocaine user whilst living an otherwise good and privileged life with a thriving business. When I was with his father he had no control then which has continued into later life.
We talked about Ben moving in and I said that I would discuss with pete after his birthday on 7th January. We are aiming for the end of March. The boys put 250 in my bank account for Xmas saying it would break their hearts if I gamble with it. I will not gamble with it. For the first time I am not feeling destitute but have a little money for food and essentials. I love my sons so much for giving me this chance and opportunity to not blow it, and I will not let them down.

[vera]

As I read this post, Monica, I had a sick flash back.
About 12 years ago, my son, got a summer job and earned good money. He was young and innocent. He showed me his first wages £300. He was so proud. The greedy/ CG /whore Mother suggested „keeping it safe for him“.
As soon as I got my clutches on it, I drove like a bat out of hell and began stuffing it into two machines. Neither of them were in „play mode“.
I lost my son’s first week’s wages.
I kicked the machines so hard the security guy approached me (He was sorry he did) CGs can be nasty when we lose. That night , not only my toes were bruised…..
All the way home I screamed in the car „I want my money back“. I vomited and screamed but it was to no avail.
That’s how low I stooped.
When I told my son, guess what he said „It doesn’t matter“
By God it mattered to me, but I knew that night that I had an enabler for the next time!
Sick, sick sick mother!
P L E A S E don’t add to your misery Monica by using that money to gamble.
DON’t BREAK YOUR SON’s HEART.
I know you won’t.
It was one of my worst gambling experiences and believe me, I had many.
I felt like Judas Iscariot that night.
Whether its 30, 300 or 3000 pieces of silver, the „Traitor’s money is always „Blood Money“. It costs us dearly.
This addiction will haunt us ’til the day we die!

[i-did-it]

Monica,
Come to the next group in thirty mins.
You have raised great sons .
I know you won’t gamble it.
Xx

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
I hope you are having a good day.
Yours sons have your back – that’s for sure .
I know how good it is to have some money tucked away .
It gives us a feeling of security and I am so glad you have a little .

It would be so good to have your son live with you – it would feel like home rather than a room.
Monica I feel things are really looking up for you- I feel the new year will be one of the most positive ever- some much too hard lessons have been learned – but you are still you with all the earning power you had in the past.

Something popped into my mind- is there any work you could do for you wealthy ex on a consultant basis ? Could your son say mum is looking a little work to get her out of the house ? Is there anyone in your contact list you could offer your services to? I am thinking you could offer a reduced rate as a kind of favour – it still a little money and if it rests in your sons account …that 250 would soon become a 1000.

Just an idea – I’m sure you have thought of before yourself .

Wishing you all the best for the new year Monica!

[finding_laura]

These are definitely updates to go back and read again. I think you will find them continually insightful. I’m just on first coffee this morning. Spent most of the night tossing and turning with relationship questions on my mind. I’d love to go back and comment on each post but instead of playing catch up I’ll try and summarize.

comments re your „Nazi“ brother in law – i would have likely retorted that he must be making an appointment to self euthenize seeing as COPD is a chronic and eventually life ending condition. I do have a sharp tongue as well as my very good nature. But, I too know what it is like to deal with relatives that have unsavoury opinions! So I would likely have just bit my tongue to save the peace.

Mcdonalds – yes, it can have that reaction

Your sons – they are your blessings, and children really are true blessings (and a possible means of heartbreak, but worth the risk). If you get the slightest urge to gamble their gift, I would suggest that they not put such large sums at once. Our sobriety is worth the price of a little bit more embarrassment having to ask them to do that.

Family – It sounds as though your family is very fractured. Lots of hurts to heal. Your children as described seem to have a lot of your common sense and insight. All seem to be on a path of self exploration and healing with you. Your children want to be with their siblings and mother at Christmas too? Yours may have to learn to share you.

Pete – Your son moving in and Pete moving out would likely be a breath of fresh air. And between Gordon Moody and a job offer you won’t be home a lot anyway. Positive vibes can’t hurt.

GA and dry gambling – yes dry gambling can be like the whetting of the appetite. Because that’s all it ever did was warm us up for the real thing, or tide us over between binges when the funds ran out. But it’s just a dull copy and won’t satisfy. Just pique the urges. If you choose to go back to GA I would not do the steps right now. I’d hold off til you go to the GM program. If it is a group that allows you to listen and only talk if you want to, then it could be beneficial. In that context I got a lot out of GA. If we wanted when our turn to speak we could just say something like I’m glad to be here tonight instead of out there. Or even say I think I’ll pass tonight. It should not make you feel like you self whipped by the time you leave 🙂

It’s so good to have you back Monica. Stay safe. And enjoy having the freedom of money in the bank again.

Laura

[vera]

Are you ok, Monica?

[Monica1]

Thanks for your posts and I wish all my friends on the site a very happy new year.

Vera, you are very intuitive. I was very unwell yesterday. The diagnosis of irritable bowel is an incorrect one as my symptoms worsened considerably yesterday. This was how ot to spend New Year’s Eve and was probably the worst spent one of my life. Not good.
I slept till 10 to midnight after having a painful afternoon so I caught the fireworks on the tv, but I was alone as pete went out. No celebration at all and when pete did get in at 3am no wish of a happy new year, just asking for money for the electricity and then moaning saying he knew my game…. I had to explain to him in quite a restrained way what had happened.
Recovery seems a million miles away, my health has gone down the toilet, quite literally, in the past year. I need to go back to the docs. It seems I just have one setback after the other.

[i-did-it]

Sorry to hear you are unwell Monica.
Stress and lack of good food is taking its toll, and doesn’t help any underlying medical condition. It sounds like you had a really painful day .
A visit to the doctor might resolve some health issues.
You doctor seems good .
Living with Pete doesn’t seem to be helping you emotionally or your health – It is good you have made decisions about that .

I hope you have a much better day today Monica .

[finding_laura]

You have a long list of needs and wants Monica and when health is added back on the list you must feel like life is going in the wrong not to mention painful direction. Sometimes life sucks and it sucks for a while. I pray your health is restored. See that doc and hopefully they can get to the bottom of things and fast.
As I don’t know your Pete I’m making judgement based on what you say only but I think he is a total @ss. Not to mention self centered and selfish. I have one that can be a lot like that.
I wish I could say something to cheer you up. But platitudes don’t change things. The only thing is gambling would only make the situation worse. Any urges would come back even more fiercely and your little nest egg would be gone. Because once you get a little fix it won’t be enough. Hugs Monica. Hold on tight.

Laura

[vera]

As you know, Monica, health and emotions go hand in hand. Louise Hay has a lot to say about „gut“ conditions.
On a practical level, I can relate to your condition. Without being crude, I’ve been there many times (in the loo!!!)
It’s the most scary experience when the spasms take over and you come out in a cold sweat and feel a ringing in your ears , knowing your next stop is the floor!
I could write a book ,from personal experience on the same said condition. It was probably the only thing that every stopped me leaving the house to gamble.
Drink plenty fluids, Monica . Dioralyte sachets if you can get them. I always have a few buscopan at hand. Thankfully I haven’t suffered an attack for over a year, but some how I felt you were „on the throne“ yesterday.
Emotions aside, your body was bound to react to the mixtures of rich food after all the frugal living.
Boiled milk with pepper and a squirt of brandy helps too.
No doctor I ever mentioned it to „got it“ except a relative who suffers from the condition.
It’s bloody awful.
‘Hope it has passed by now?

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, I hope you are feeling better! My health is one thing that I don’t take for granted. I take my heart meds daily and exercise and keep my weight down. Try to take care of yourself. I know your money is limited right now and I’m sure that any stress isn’t helping. My New Years Wish for you is that your health improves and that you get the job you deserve. Don’t ever give up. I know good things are waiting for you. Take care.

[Monica1]

On 14th January it will be 5 months gamble free and my life has not improved one jot. Still dealing with the health problems that developed post stopping and in limbo re bankruptcy.
Thanks for the posts all and thanks Vera. A chap who deals with natural remedies for these types of gut conditions I have linked his to bankruptcy. Very linked to money problems. I seem to have a problem with digesting fat. The tummy has calmed down but am just eating bread and soup.
As I missed the resolutions and setting Intentions for the new year I will do them now
Health, I will get the money to take the natural eradication remedies for the bug I have in my system and eradicate the ulcer causing bug and the colon problem, which has been very debilitating. Once I start to earn, I will reduce the cigs, switch to a vape and exercise.
Money, at this time next year, I will have a five figure sum in my bank account, with or without bankruptcy.
I will find a job thatI love doing and is well paid, and quite soon
I will find a way to relay my debts if at all possible.

That’s it. Simple stuff.

[Monica1]

Well, woke up at 10.30pm last night and still up. Such weird hours I am keeping.
Went for my work capability assessment today, a one hour assessment to see whether you have limited capability for work. It is a cost cutting exercise really but as I am on the lowest amount of benefit I can’t see how they can cut it. The only comment I got was well you do seem to be rather isolated. You don’t say……

[i-did-it]

Monica I posted you earlier and pressed send – but I doesn’t seem to have posted – this site can be so frustrating .

I love your resolutions – they show that far from giving up – that strong, determined woman is still there, unbroken by the harsh year which has just passed. I can see that your biggest stumbling block at the moment is your health and I hope you get all those issues resolved soon.

Do people ever attend an assessment and end up with more money ? Could that happen to you?

What do you think is making you feel isolated ?
Lack of work?
Lack of company?
Lack of funds ?
Lack of health ?

A five figure sum in the bank is security , and a great aim.

Hope to meet you in group later
Xx

[finding_laura]

Glad to see your posts Monica. I was worried your health had taken a turn again. I’m just getting ready to shower and head off to physical therapy. And errands. Never ending errands. Bank to deposit a cheque. I received my regular disability payment and sent money to a girl i know in much the same situation as you Monica so she could buy heating fuel. The same day after sending her money I received a little windfall from the disability company. I sent her another payment. Enough that she doesn’t have to worry about heat in the -30 C temperatures for a few weeks. But I must go deposit the extra cheque as I’ve left my account empty.
Your new years resolutions are so very reasonable!
May they all come true very very soon!
have a good morning?
Laura

[Monica1]

Well, up at 4.30am after sleeping from 10 so missed groups. I have been mulling and researching on my gut issues and think I have been misdiagnosed on the colon problem. As well as the stomach bug I think I have something else which isn’t nice but I may have contracted from the dog sleeping in my room. The dog is now barred but pines outside my door. The symptoms have changed and worsened. But I am Ok in myself and pain free at the moment taking care to eat very bland foods and only small amounts. I am so aware that if I was not in this strapped position I could pay for the tests and get natural treatments quite quickly. I went for a walk and paid for fuel. I have a home still and fuel. Grateful, that’s a good start. I try to ring my doc but continually engaged.
Yes, idi, it could go up particularly if they deem I have limited capability for work. And they just might with all my gut issues. And you are so right, itis the Health issues that need sorting out as a priority.

This afternoon I have a telephone psych assessment from when I was feeling suicidal. My Gp has said that it is all finance related. I am glad she has said that and not that I am losing my marbles! My marbles feel stronger today in any case. Because I am going to gma we agree not to bother in taking anything forward but I could go back anytime should things deteriorate. But they are helpful in guiding me to possible advocacy for the meeting on the 10th January re prison proceedings.

My son also calls me and tells me his dad didn’t give him the cocaine. He got it himself for the first time in many years. He recognises in himself addictive tendencies. He has had a lot to deal with recently and we talk about strategies to avoid going over the top when we have difficulties as a means of self medication and escape from emotional stuff. It is hard being human sometimes. I read somewhere that we are 50 per cent light within and 50 per cent dark. And it is a matter of what we choose to focus on. I am going back to my old spiritual Teachings from someone called Prem Rawat who I have seen every now and again since I was 23 but got really confused with all the turmoil of 2017. Look him up. On wordsofpeace.org or just google him. For the first time when I tune in I feel better within as I used to feel when I practised his meditation. He puts us in touch to a place within that is free of all this. It gives us a kind of inner strength and peace in each breath. Although the stomach cramps take that away prett6 quickly! We are not our problems. He talks about choices and how we think can lead to our own demise. I choose to act on my resolutions and to take things one step at a time.

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, I love that you are so positive during your health issues and everything else going on in your life. You are inspirational to me. I hope you can get your gut issues under control. I’m sipping on hot tea with lemon and trying to get over the flu. But I know this is temporary. I think of you often and send prayers and good thoughts your way. I wish there was more that I could do for you. Take care Monicau and one step at a time!

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
I hope the tummy aches have improved and you are feeling much better.
What a testament to you as a mother that your son can discuss these difficult issues – I find myself thinking that yes Monica you have made mistakes (gambling ) but oh my , you have got so many of the really important things right.
I hope when my son is older he feels he can discuss issues with me as openly as your son does with you.

I am going to look up Prem Rawat- I should be in bed now- but my dog is refusing to come into the house – she wants to play and I want to ring the dog pound (that is a joke – she is another blessing in my life ). It’s like she senses I am back to work tomorrow, and is playing up deliberately. The truth is I was often up much later gambling and had to go to work anyway , so I will wait up for doggie! Coincidently it seems we are both having dog problems . Lol!

I am sure you are looking forward to GT- I always had a feeling I would not be accepted because I wasn’t bad enough/ good enough – how delusional am I?

I haven’t forgotten about your site – I am waiting on certain things in my account and then I will be on there !

Take care my friend – let me know before you go !

[Monica1]

Well today same old, same old. In bedroom watching tv and iPad. Eating a light diet but managed to do myself a light breakfast and lunch after getting up at 6.30am, a bit more normal. Had a very strange dream though in which I was having an affair with Vladimir Putin surrounded by lots of kgb men. What on earth does that mean?
Well I was beginning to get the usual bored and fed up when I was rung about a job in my field. Would mean staying away but it is actually doable financially, So I am applying. It made me realise how I am just an inch away from changing my life for the better and that all things can change in an instant, i also wonder whether I am looking at my situation realistically ie whether I am well enough. But on balance, I think I should make all efforts to get back to where I was.

I was then rung about a job which would mean a stay away

[i-did-it]

Wow Monica ,
This horrible winter could be just a memory soon -If you feel healthy enough to take a on a job -that will be life changing for you – and going forward gamble free you will appreciate the value of money Ike never before .
Please God things wil work out for you Xx

[vera]

Monica, if we were waiting for a 100% clean health bill, we would not venture out, ever again.
When I returned to work at 52, I had a few long term ailments and had to have a medical and police clearance etc. The good part was, I looked young then. (wouldn’t pass for less than 80 now! lol!)
The Doc who did the medical said „half the country has similar ailments to yours“ and told me that the real obstacle to being turned down for my type of work is „a bad back , or a hx of depression“. I had neither, thank God.
When I joined the work force I turned out to be one of the fittest of the lot. T hey used to say „Where are you getting the energy?“!There were three Irish staff older than me. Showing their age from years of hard work. The rest were Asian, in their 30s and I swear to God every 2nd one had a health issue-diabetes, gout, hypertension, allergies, bad backs, pregnant, you name it! We all clicked together as a team and I loved every day of my work. My boss was the best boss I ever encountered in my life but when he suddenly announced he was leaving in 2013, I knew that his next in line would not be someone I could work under.
That’s when I cut my losses and came out on disability.
I had documented all the abuses in the unit and HR knew better than open a can of worms so my guess is they were glad to see the back of me.
Senior management always close ranks and are prepared to turn a blind eye. Several senior admin staff told me they were very sorry to lose me.
I was in the throes of gambling, then Monica.
You are in a far better place. It’s amazing how resilient we become when we have to do something productive.
Go for that job!
You need a total change. I’m not downplaying your physical ailments but I sat at home for years thinking „I can’t work because I’m not 100% healthy“. It’s amazing the way the energy flows when the salary cheques roll in . Sadly mine were all lost to gambling but that won’t happen in your case.
Dreaming about Vladimir P is interesting!
If you can take on a strong powerful man like Vlad, why not take up the challenge of a new job?
Go for it Monica. You can do it!
Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
Will be in midnight chat if U about

[Monica1]

Thanks idi and Vera and sorry I have not been in group for a few days. When I don’t feel brilliant I hibernate and haven’t felt like chatting. But will make group later.
I appreciate all your advice vera. I did apply for it with a 10am deadline and yahoo then went down for most of today. So not sure if it all got through or not,. Doesn’t matter if it didn’t as I really want to do gma, as after this I hope’to be motivated go all out for a job.
I have been aware for a long time vera that I need a total change, uprooting of sticks etc. Here is just stagnating. Ever since I got back from the overseas job 14 months ago which I loved, everything, literally everything has not worked out and is really stagnating. I am seeking divine inspiration and a plan. I really don’t want to stay like this much longer. I mean, how long does this have to go on for? Never in my life, have I been in such limbo and I have to seriously ask the universe as to why? I am not the type of person to be down for long but this is five months, which is too long.
My energy levels still are not right, probably because of the gut bugs but anyone got any ideas how to get your physical energy back? I am drinking a lot more water now than I did. It takes me two to three days just to build up the motivation to go out of the house which I did today. Had my most favourite yummy sandwich. Boring writing about food I know but when you haven’t had much, it is a true blessing to have some. It’s getting cold again which means sleepy mode for me.
Hope everyone is doing ok.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
I think u probably need a broad spectrum supplement- I take Well Woman. If you take t consistently for a week I think it might increase your energy levels – I have no medical qualifications so perhaps others will disagree. Maybe your doc could prescribe something – like those drinks which give you everything you need -you definitely haven’t been eating enough nutritious food and those drinks are for people who are lacking nutrition for whatever reason .

I feel you are on the cusp of change –
I keep saying it but you are only a job away from getting your old life back – I know life is not that simplistic but I feel there is a new optimism in your post .

Monica , I hope GM goes really well.
It will be so good to get away and meet others who have been through the horror of gambling addiction .

A little sunshine everyday – even if it’s just five minutes will lift your spirits. Just take it as slowly as you need to.

Keep strong my friend – I do miss our chats !

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, I agree with i-did-it that you need a supplement or daily vitamin. You also should be drinking a nutritious supplement. If you can get out just for a few minutes and soak up some sun. Little steps! Take care.

[lizbeth4]

P.S. Surround yourself with some bright colors. Maybe a brightly coloured picture? I seem to gravitate towards earth tones but have used bright colors in accent pillows, ect. It does help to brighten your world.

[finding_laura]

Dearest Monica,

I’ve missed you too but understand sometimes feeling unable or not wanting to chat. When I am stuck in a bad time with my back I feel like I’m always a constant complaining record to my loved ones and friends. I get sick of hearing myself sometimes with the same sad stories. People who understand can provide a distraction. We can find humour wherever possible. What about going out to a comedy with your son? One thing I haven’t heard you mention (and maybe I’ve missed it) is a girlfriend. Do you have a friend that you could go out with even to a coffee shop? Someone who is upbeat and would just be good to have a laugh with? Gambling made me isolate and withdraw from friendships. Your current poverty state may be having that same affect as well. I hope you can just find a way for human connection and a laugh. Ever happen at your GA meeting? We used to have a few. And cake with every one year milestone. It wasn’t all sadness and grief. Sorry Mon, rambling!

How to recover energy…. Well, I am on a few very basic supplements that when we are low on them they tend to affect our energy at the most basic level. One is vitamin D. The other is Magnesium Glycinate. Also, because I tend to take a lot of antibiotics I am on a probiotic which can also help with gut issues. Would a family member be able to provide you with the funds for some of these basics from a natural foods store? I found the magnesium really improves my energy levels and I notice when I’m not taking it within a few days. Trying to get yourself into a more proper sleep rythym may help as well. Sleeping through most of the daylight and being up all night probably has an affect as well.

I’ve been trying to get this post out since yesterday! I hope you are doing ok Monica. Your stomach issue sounds on the nastier side. Don’t let it go too long without intervention. Thinking of you.

Laura

[Monica1]

Thanks Laura, you have hit the nail on the head really as to why I am not in chat so much and also not posting perhaps as much as I did. The reason is nothing is changing and my depression is difficult for me to deal with, let alone anyone else. I still find myself, albeit not as often as I used to, finding myself angry with God for just leaving me like this. My faith deserted me in recovery, not when I was in action, although it was somewhat misplaced then.
A friend has called me twice in the past week but they only ever want to talk about themselves so I have ignored their calls. We have been friends for 14 yearsbut it is me who wants to put an end to it as it is always a little one sided. Any girlfriends I have are not the daily kind, but the once a month maybe for a phone call kind. There is no one close to me at all which has been part of the problem. Living my life at work and away from home often puts paid to friendships really. The Jehovah’s Witness and a lady from ga text me but I ignore those as well. Neither are the sort of people I would choose to be friends with. I would choose,yourself and idi though. I have been thinking a lot again about how my life has not panned out as I would have wanted and I found myself asking why. I think I have not had much support from anyone and at 60, that is why I feel this hurt and anger. But it is at life in general and how it has all gone. I acknowledge my own Responsibility in all this but the good years can be counted on one hand. It had just all been too difficult which led to the self destruction in gambling. I really don’t want to become bitter as it isn’t my nature.
I opened a letter today from the council who did not consider my medical evidence sufficient for a late claim and relief for the year so they say I owe the lot at a grand. It is like what the hell do
you have to do and actually,I just give up. It is a heartless world. My hours are still twiZzled. 7pm slept till 2am and have been up since then today.
Hope I guess is one of the last things to go. I used to wonder in my early 50s when I would start to feel differently. Pre gambling I still had hope and motivation, Like I deserve a good life but I am not having a good life, I am seriously and deeply unhappy and the universe/god or whatever could not,give a flying chit about that, or else something would have shifted to give me hope, but sadly it has not. This hurts me inside so much thatwho we pray to actually,does,allow,bad things to happen and then I think how can that be a loving father. Simply put allowing suffering is not a loving act. The Buddhist would say that life is suffering and we are also to,d to have gratitude for the gift. That makes us all raving masochists. I genuinely cannot work out the human aspects of life and reconcile them to the divine. It just doesn’t compute.

[vera]

I hear you Monica!
What do you say about the following quote:
„Pleasant experiences make life delightful
Painful experiences lead to growth“?
My take on that is when we go through pleasant times in our life we don’t learn or grow in the same way that we do from more difficult times.
Suffering can do two things.
Drag us down
or
Lift us up.
I know we are into metaphysics when we speak of suffering but it’s all relative.
I just want you to know that I empathize fully with your situation and wish better things for you.
Acceptance and gratitude go hand in hand
an yes I agree, Life is a Mystery.
I believe we only see a glimpse of it on this side of Eternity.

[Monica1]

Thanks for the post Vera and I like our discussions. Yes, I do agree that we only see glimpses this side of eternity and I know that things are set up pretty much before we come re life purpose etc. What I cannot bear is the silence, the nothingness, no clear message or sign, despite all my prayers and requests for help. I also do not agree as GA kept rattling on about growth through pain. I actually dont agree with that, we can grow in peace and joy too,. A lifetime of pain and heartache is simply not balanced. We seem as humans to expect some happy endings or are sold into the fairy tale happy ever after or there is always hope. But if you look at others and my dads life for example, it was an extremely unhappy, throughout all of it, perpetuated by much loss. We are all sold a dream that is illusion and not real. Suffering has no doubt dragged me down completely shattering my confidence, my energy and hope. So bloody difficult. I am grateful for the very little I have but really can’t survive like this as used to so much more. It is always more difficult to have had a lot and lost it than never to have had it at all. I do hope idis quote from Scripture I read earlier today about everything the locusts or devils take from us will be replenished has some truth in it. Now that would give me some hope but I don’t think it is true… I wish it was.
I am glad you posted ty Vera as again As said earlier, I do like our discussions.

[i-did-it]

I firmly believe it Monica – I believe everything in the bible because it is the Word of God – I am not so interested in the customs and opinions of various religions – but the bible doesn’t lie .

It is so much harder to go from a lot to such poverty. It is incredibly difficult and to be honest (I hope you don’t mind my saying this ), your journey has been a huge wake up call for me- Hearing about crimes and prison is not preventative for me – because like yourself I would rather hurt myself that others . Of course I am sure I have inadvertently hurt others through my gambling , but never made a conscious decision to steal.

Monica,- I appreciate it is easy for me to say – but this is a temporary situation . It has not been quite half a year – it might be the half year that changes the rest of your life – the half year that ensures the rest of your life is secure .

Gambling leads to isolation or perhaps isolation leads to gambling ?

I’m not sure – it’s impossible to be really open with people when we feel we must hide such a huge part of who we are ,- what we are. We have to hide our greatest struggle in life – and even if we are open about it others just don’t get it – there is more encouragement for people who are giving up smoking than those who simply cannot stop throwing their cash into a machine ! It just doesn’t make sense to most rational people .

I think perhaps (and yes I don’t really like GA) that trying a different group might be good – you will meet people who get it – maybe make friends instead of getting a sponsor – why not say that at a meeting – „I want friends to meet now and again for a coffee“. You are without doubt an interesting , learned lady – I would love if you lived nearby and we could meet for coffee – I would hang on to your every word..

I miss you in chat – I love the way you view the world – often when I read others’ posts I feel my thoughts and contribution are quite shallow – i like that you have deep insight but never in a boring or condescending way .

I feel the bright sunshine of spring will lift your spirits .
Regarding my reference to the bible – look at some of those in long term recovery – has God restored their lives? -absolutely- although many who wept to God when times were hard choose to credit themselves for the improvement in their life circumstances.
This also happened when Jesus walked the earth – you will remember many were healed but few returned to give Him thanks .

Good times will come again Monica – and you will never let them slip through your hands again .

[vera]

Suffering , is one thing none of us can avoid, Monica.
How we deal with it depends on our belief or non belief.
I find it an interesting topic.
Every religion tries to make sense of Suffering. Hindus see it as a result of karmic debt. Buddhists , as a way to extinguish desire. Islam, as Alla’s will. „Born Agains“ tell us God only wants us to have health and wealth (while they ask for money gifts for some televanglist. lol!)
Catholic Teaching, which I go by, tells us that suffering has it’s origin in the human will, the abuse of which, through the sin of Adam, caused the rift between God and Man. A rift that only Christ can reconcile.Suffering is never willed by God but is sometimes allowed in the same way a loving father will allow a child to „suffer“the consequences of his actions so that he will grow and learn.
We may not understand God’s reasons. I think we are sometimes allowed to suffer to learn how to trust God more and know there is a reason behind our immediate suffering.
It’s not easy Monica. Life can be very tough . It can also be delightful.
We CAN endure, with His Grace!

[finding_laura]

you around Monica?

[Monica1]

Today thus far has been difficult. Bailiffs on my case again by text saying they would visit. but after calling them and advising them of my situation agreed to a stay of 28 days, they are finally treating me as vulnerable, also a right is if you live on your own and are vulnerable they cannot enter your home, to allowed in law. This is all new to me.
Preparing for my meeting with the council tomorrow re prison proceedings who don’t accept any of my medical evidence. The housing officer told me that I should ask them to write off the debt and also rang the housing association ladyremy rights who said they would pay for a medical report from my doctor. My work coach also rang and was so concerned that he is going to ring me before our next appointment to see how i am. I hate all this. I do not want to spendmy life doing this. I am so down at my Stuckness. I feel like I am on suicide watch and omg I hate this crap.

[i-did-it]

Tomorrow by noon you will have more clarity on one problem
Which is the council debt – take it step by step Monica
.i hope that is written off – that would be a huge weight lifted .

Try to get some sleep and then after the meeting things will le clearer.
Make sure you post how it has gone .

[finding_laura]

Thinking of you. Hoping things go as well as they can. They are right to all be concerned about you and not before time!! Dealing with the financial crap and all the administrative hoops is soul sucking. But one thing at a time. When it gets to much try and just put one foot in front of the other. One next little hurdle or to do. You will get through this. You will come out the other side. You are fighting for you now and deserve all the help in the world. Big hugsss Monica. Like the phoenix from the ashes. xo

[i-did-it]

Any news Monica ?

[Monica1]

Thanks both for your incredible support and prayers. It means so much. I have just got home.
It was one of those very still and sunny mornings, the sort I really love. Stillness within and without. Five minutes before the meeting my guts kicked off and had to delay for a few minutes.
Well, I met with two people, one young and one my age. They were looking for a constructive way forward and were as kind as they could be. It helped that I had made a complaint about how the bailiffs were treating me copied to my mp, except I never got round to sending it to my mp. When I tell my story it is a sad one and they appreciated that it was. Plus they also saw how stuck I was, whilst at the same time not prepared to write the debt off. When I left I kept thinking I need a new scriptwriter for my life. It is all just too sad.
They clarified a few things, they saw I was not guilty of culpable neglect but had built up a huge debt. They said that they could not help with the bedroom tax,which my housing officer said they could, but they were right. The local authority can’t when someone is on universal credit. They said I must use a food bank. They said that if my Gp could confirm that I had a serious mental impairment that I would be exempt from council tax. I said that I would be completely stuffed re employment if we went down that route. They also said that if I was made homeless then I would be statutorily entitled to sheltered housing as I was over 55. Dont like that option either. At the end we agreed to pay on the day of my benefit 15 pounds a month reviewable after six months. They gave me their personal phone numbers. This will leave me with around 30 pounds month to live on. Better than prison proceedings though which they said would take until around June to happen. Cannot miss one payment. Bankruptcy would, of course, change all that. They will recall the debt from the bailiffs. So, all in all, a huge relief in some ways re averting prison proceedings but not re the amount they want. I still have one other court action to deal with which other bailiffs have been called in plus the inland revenue which I will start to write letters to before I go to gma in the 22nd. Now that this huge thing is out of the way, I am going to ask Pete formally to leave by the end of March. I cannot move on until he goes. I find this very hard as he and the dog have nowhere to go. But as he is only here bow a few days of the week, he must have somewhere else to go.
It seems I have two options. The first is that Life has stuffed me completely and I go down the physical and mental health impairment route or I get better and get a job for the six years I have before retirement, whilst accepting that bankruptcy stops me from working in my profession. For anyone reading this, and my story, can only illustrate how destructive a gambling addiction can be. Plus how sometimes it is very difficult to be clear about our own issues and how to resolve them. I should have asked Pete leave years ago, but what has stopped me is that I have been virtually made homeless and I don’t want to cause that sort of distress to another person. It does seem like I have a choice now between my son and Pete, and my son will always take priority. Hard decisions.

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, I’m trying to follow what you are going through legally. I get the jest of it. I’m happy that one part of it is settled. Do you think that when Pete leaves it will be a big weight off of you? I think having your son living with you would be so much better for you. Less depressing. I can’t even fathom what you are enduring. I just don’t want you to give up! I’m praying that your situation changes. You’ve been through so much. Take care.

[vera]

Just wrote a long post, Monica and it vanished into cyber space….’ hate that…
In brief, it said , even if you cannot re enter the workplace at your previous level, why not explore other options within your profession? Once you get into a work routine you will have better opportunities to update your skills, renew your confidence and put yourself in the running for a more suitable/advanced position.
Sometimes we have to go back to basics, Monica and place one foot on the first rung of Life’s Ladder.
Sitting at home, fearing the worst and thinking only of the negative options you mentioned, will overwhelm you.
You are still young and fit enough so apply for every available job. One opportunity leads to another. Start small and work on it, one day at a time.
You CAN do it! There is a better life out there. Go for it!

[finding_laura]

This addiction most definitely is terribly destructive. I thought my world was ending for the longest time. Quite often self inflicted results driving me there.

Great that they are postponing? prison proceedings. Does the impairment have to be a permanent one? What if people are dealing with long term health condition but are expected to recovery? Is there no tax exemption for them? Gambling addiction and the resulting depression, suicidal feelings and terrible anxiety are only the beginning. Physical problems manifest from this as well. Treatment and recovery could take a year. It’s a shame if you can’t apply for a temporary exemption 🙁

If your son moves in to your home will all of this change? Will you be selling him the home and moving to your daughters? Or r you two going to be roommates? I feel I am missing something. Don’t go into details here if you feel it’s too specific. I know you have talked about it before but my memory plays short with me!

Unfortunately I have to run at the moment. Will see if i can check into group shortly.

Any chance you are relaxing and having a glass of wine or a bubble bath? It was a tough day and you earned it.

Laura

[Monica1]

Firstly I do not own my own home, I rent…
Secondly, a label of serious mental illness is not temporary, you have pretty much had it with that label.
Vera is right, work is the only option.

[finding_laura]

Sorry If I upset you Monica. I guess I don’t understand the set up there. Councils are not involved in taxes here unless you own. There is no tax on rentals here. Exempt. I thought they may be attached to the home like our taxes are here, and that would complicate matters for your son taking over.

Here you can receive that label on a temporary basis while going through a major breakdown even and perhaps especially if it is related to an addiction. And who would know that label? Health info should be private, unless your proposed employers ask for a copy of your health report there? I have a friend who was deemed to be non functioning for two years due to the crash after hitting bottom and the subsequent fallout. It was only a thought to perhaps ease things until you feel well enough to work. I agree, a job is a great way to move on. But are you ready? Are you physically able to work right now?

I hope the anxiety has settled now that it is a new day. I can only try to imagine how you feel. It would be nice if you could get a hand up instead of more bureaucracy!

Wish i was there to help you through this.

Laura

[Monica1]

Firstly, you did not upset me! There are clearly very different systems in Canada to here. Here everyone is taxed to the hilt on every home. Rented robot, it is based on value of the property. For a permanent job here there is always occupational heath clearance that is required and a label of serious mental health impairment does not augur well so best to avoid.
I feel today like a big weight has shifted re prison. But this is the first of a number of battles and not the war. My attitude to the council has also changed slightly as they genuinely did try to help and it was a positive meeting. I also got a letter today reversing their decision that my medical evidence is insufficient. This only means relief of around 400 quid for this year on an overall accumulated debt of 10k but it is a small victory against bureaucracy.
I have also written a letter to my doc as can’t get appointment giving good reasons to check for ova and parasites in my bowel. My symptoms over the new year were so severe that I have about three different things going on that would suggest I may have Contracted something from the dog who slept in my room until recently. I hope she doesn’t think I am bonkers but in August a cyst was found in my liver and my liver enzymes es were abnormal which should have been repeated in December which could suggest something odd going on. I haven’t told pete yet. I am going to be a coward and tell him before I go to gma.

[finding_laura]

That’s not a coward, that’s giving you both time to get used to the idea and for him to find a place. You’ve been quite kind and generous over the years (and speaking as a totally outward view looking in) you owe this man absolutely nothing. So you are doing the right normal thing.

I’m glad something feels better love cause you are due some victories. Keep thinking that. I’m due victories. I am due blessings.

And you have taken a bunch of steps forward. Hard to do when feeling so ill. You are getting through. Some day you will get through all this and you will be amazed looking back.

I hope the doc orders you some tests asap. Between the doggie who probably hasn’t seen a vet in a while and maybe some of your travels could be a possibility? Good to be checked thoroughly for those odd sort of things.

You are up earlier today? Hope you have a good day.

Laura xo

[Monica1]

Many thanks for the post and for your great support. Well, a small victory and then I go to my Gp to drop off the letter and she has gone on sabbatical. The nicest one there. That is just too bad for her patients. Not a surprise though as the Health services can’t cope. Really hard to get an appointment. I spoke to the receptionist about how gps now can only deal with one issue per 7 minute appointment. I said that is a recipe for getting sued owing to missing something on patients with a lot of medical problems. Hey ho, this is the uk nhs, it simply cannot cope with the demand and is chronically underfunded.

[Monica1]

My hours up and about have started to shift back to a more normal pattern, possibly because they return back when I have stuff to do like the am appointment yesterday. As I have may have mentioned in my journal when I have no work, or anything important to do they reverse to nighttime awake and days sleeping. I also got refunded 4.30 for my health assessment train fare. These are very small things but I am going with the positives.

[vera]

If gambling taught us anything, Monica,it showed us how to be resilient!!
One step forward, another step back seems to be your pattern for now.
I agree with you that having a mental health issue does not auger well for P and P jobs. The medical exam I had when I returned to work, was looking for „bad back“ or „mental health issues“. So the doctor told me…
See you later in Charles’Group.

[Monica1]

Will go to the later group…

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,

I want to write something wise but cannot seem to think of anything – but wanted to post you anyway and say I’m thinking of you .

I understand that you must keep your health record clean to get work – and you need to be able to work again . Work, when you are well enough will restore funds , give you routine , purpose and a sense of value .

I hope you get a breakthrough soon- you deserve it

[i-did-it]

Hey saw u just posted – come to group – top
One

[Monica1]

Hi, sorry just missed Group. Will call in later. Was a bit tired and depression sinking in yesterday. Very difficult to shift when stuck in this situation. Yesterday, my gp surgery sId I have to visit and queue at 8am to get an appointment. My old Gp would have just dealt with it. That is a setback. But it is just one week to gma now. I am hoping it will be a springboard to some forward movement. I have lost so much faith and trust in anything really during these five months. It will take a while to renew my faith as it has been truly a purgatory experience and I just don’t have the time to waste stuck.

[i-did-it]

One week Monica – that is great.
One week for a new start .
My gp is similar – I think greed makes them take on too many patients and then they can’t get around to them all.

I hope the clouds lift !

[Monica1]

I think it is more a shortage of good gps. Well that’s what the receptionist tells me. Pete came in saying he knows what I am trying to do. I then said that he knew what was coming as we had discussed it before Xmas. I said that he has until the end of April to go, that is three and a half months as Ben will be moving in. I said that I needed a lot more help and that he needs to move on with his life as do I. I mean, we parted six years go, and the gambling addiction followed a few months later. No wonder I am depressed… with everything else as well. It does t feel any better as I have the feeling that he will just stay put. But I have said it as the atmosphere was so bad that it had to be said. I don’t know what I will do if he just stays put, he is t my partner and sleeps on the floor. I guess you could say he is squatting. I can’t be.ei e it has been left this long.

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, Thanks for your support and prayers! I’m leaving soon for the city and I plan to stay strong and enjoy my family today. I’m sure it was hard to finally tell Pete that he had to leave but wasn’t it freeing for you? He has plenty of time to make plans for himself. In the end, it’s provably healthy for him to move forward with his life also. I’m happy that your son is moving in with you. I just think it will be a more healthy environment for you. Progress!

[Monica1]

Well, he leftthe dog five minutes after. I cried for a few minutes. I really hate hurting those I love, but this has to happen. For my own wellbeing. It is so stagnant that things have to change.
I went for a walk to the shops. What feels freeing is putting this relationship, and it was 12 years together, 6 not together, a total of 18 precious years into the past. There were some happy times but lots of difficulties too. I helped him for many years. I have been absolutely shocking in my choice of men I ended up with.

[i-did-it]

Hey Mons – you haven’t ended up yet .
Out with the old – in with the new .
Stagnating means limiting opportunities .
You are beautiful inwardly and outwardly- who knows what the future holds ?

I feel GM is going to be a huge turning point – one where Monica sees what the rest of us see- a beautiful, clever , insightful and kind hearted lady – despite the knocks you have taken in life you have shown resilience, never hardened towards others and are simply quite wonderful .
When he gets used to the idea maybe you could get him out sooner – it will so good to live with your own flesh and blood – I am soooo excited for you – I feel your life is about to take off !
When it does I hope to travel on your new journey with you – I have come to so value your friendship !

[vera]

I hear you Monica…
I once had to ask somebody to leave.
Part of me went with that person and guess what?
I became a compulsive gambler!
Time to separate head from heart, Monica.
It is not easy.
Just start filling the void in advance would be my suggestion.
I feel your pain.We all made wrong choices over the years but nothing changes the past.
Pete will make it easy for you when the time comes.

[kathryn]

It’s so very hard to let things go sometimes.
It’s important to look after yourself and your wellbeing.
No one likes hurting others, but if it’s for the purpose of self preservation you have done the right thing.
Pete has plenty of time to sort himself out and he will be ok..
You can then move forward with your life, I’m happy to hear your son is moving in with you, family is everything.
I wish you all the very best,
Love K xx

[kathryn]

Sorry, tried to edit and it double posted!!!

[maverick.]

Monicau, I have been reading through your thread and just wanted to send you my very best, life can be tough at times and we just have to keep fighting on, wish you my very best and hope you are keeping well.

Maverick

[Monica1]

Thanks so much for posting on my thread maverick and Kathryn.
Today spent on here and doing absolutely nothing. Pete only in for five mins since last night.

Yes Vera, I became a compulsive gambler for several reasons but One of them was pete leaving me when I got home from hospital all those years ago. I really find myself in unique circumstances that I have not encountered before. Stuck at home not wanting to do very much at all. Never been here. Clearly,I am going to have to fight to get any sort of a life back.

[finding_laura]

Just catching up.

So hard to tell Pete, but so necessary. Heart attached to head does make decisions so tough. I too hope that GM will be a place for you to rediscover yourself, to love yourself, and find the strength you need to fight for your life and future. I’d give Pete some time to digest. If he doesn’t seem like he is coming around any time soon than I would look into your rights and whether you can legally evict him. But you have lots of time for that yet hopefully. I’ve often read how there is no room sometimes for new when we have the space already filled with something we don’t want. That goes for people too I feel. And life. Lets hope your stagnation as you feel comes to an end. And for every ending there is a new beginning. The phoenix from the ashes, the butterfly from the cocoon. Money is important to live and sustain ourselves but there are other ways for a life to be better or more meaningful. You may have to change the yard stick by which you measure your success but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a comfortable, meaningful, joyful life. You can do this Monica as long as your health cooperates with you! Each task may seem like a hurdle but you are getting over them. Those docs need to get to bottom of your stomach issues. Keep at it Monica. Well done on not gambling!

Laura

[vera]

Monica, is there any hope that you could make a move to coincide with Pete’s move?
If I were in your position, I would be considering that as an alternative to staying in the same place with all the memories.
Could your son rent in a different area and sub let a room to you?
Just a thought.
Any thing that gets us out of a rut gives us a chance to feel less „stuck“.
I tend to isolate a lot too and guess what I discovered? The less you circulate, the less others will contact you.
Making an effort to cook a meal and invite friends sometimes fills the gap but I often feel if I didn’t make a conscious effort to stay in touch, I would soon find myself alone.

[Monica1]

Thanks both. Yes, there are a number of options but right now I just dont know what to do so will wait until after gma. I think the counselling will help as it goes on for a while after the initial few days in Hereford. I am sure it will help me Orientate myself as to what my options are and where I actually am in life. Ben was also considering moving to Kent, near my daughter. And as ever, Vera, you are very intuitive cos I have never wanted to live in the flat I am in. There are simply too many bad memories here.
The lady from ga has texted me and wa ted to meet up. She is persistent and I respect that. Instead of ignoring it I have said we will meet up when back from gma.

[Monica1]

Thanks both. Yes, there are a number of options but right now I just dont know what to do so will wait until after gma. I think the counselling will help as it goes on for a while after the initial few days in Hereford. I am sure it will help me Orientate myself as to what my options are and where I actually am in life. Ben was also considering moving to Kent, near my daughter. And as ever, Vera, you are very intuitive cos I have never wanted to live in the flat I am in. There are simply too many bad memories here.
The lady from ga has texted me and wa ted to meet up. She is persistent and I respect that. Instead of ignoring it I have said we will meet up when back from gma.

[vera]

What does the GMA course involve, Monica?
Is it a set number of weeks , residential, or do you attend on an „outpatient“ basis?
All women?
You have nothing to lose by meeting up with the other lady for a cuppa, provided she is not gambling!

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
Your posts are sounding so much more positive -you have a lot of options !! And you will have counselling to help you sift through those options
Life is on the up !

[Monica1]

Yes, it’s residential at the beginning in Hereford and end of a three month programme. Working in groups. Weekly Skype counselling sessions. All women programme. There probably isn’t much I can learn anout the nature of a gambling addiction and barriers. I need the support and help to regain my life which is still stuck well and truly in the financial quagmire plus how to reinvent myself. Not allowed a phone or iPad so I will write up how it went when I come back.

[i-did-it]

A digital detox will be so refreshing Monica .
It will be good to sit and talk without the constant distraction .
I feel those other women are so lucky that you will be in their group and I know you will continue to support their recovery afterwards.
I can’t wait to hear about it – it is something I really would consider myself .

[finding_laura]

Life moves in real time. Somehow you made it through the past five months. The next three months will be life changing. Have a peaceful day Monica. Change is coming.

Laura

[Monica1]

I hope you’re right Laura. The last five months have been hell for someone like me and I would not wish to repeat them, ever, again.

[vera]

We need to look at what lead up to the „Hell“ Monica.
You are doing that. It takes time. Not gambling is the first move. Getting support is also essential. You are doing that. Hopefully, another door will open when you attend GMA. It is very easy to get into a rut. Sussing out alternative accommodation will be very interesting. When we dispense with the old, we can take on the new. When you feel ready to take a clean break, change will happen. Is your son aware of your wish to leave your present home? You will need a bit of hurdle help with the move, Monica. It won’t be easy but it will happen if you are pro active.
When I asked a person to move out of my house I was gutted but change happened fast afterwards.
We need to trust in our HP.

[Monica1]

I honestly don’t feel the need to look back. That would just be self punishment. I feel slightly different to the usual cg in that I used the addiction to destroy myself. I was consciously doing it although heavily addicted.
This past 5 months has been far worse for me livingthrough each and every tedious day, having 0 for Xmas, being ill, fighting off the prison thing, abject poverty and exhaustion. This is my vision of what would be hell for me.
Yes, Ben does know, not just that I want to move but Also that I don’t wa t to live in this country.

[i-did-it]

Move to Ireland Monica!! – we cud be bff’s- oooh we cud do coffee and join book clubs and go for makeovers and drink baileys ( I would trick you with the best ever substitute from Lidl lol) – but I guess you will move to a sunnier place – I would.

You are looking forward and developing a vision for how you want your life to be and that is progress Monica .

I am not a person who sees the importance of reliving the pain and examining the reasons – I just want to move on and never look back – maybe that’s where I’m going wrong – I don’t know – but life is hard enough without dwelling on horrible times and events .

The news in on here and they are going on and in about a big lottery winner – and guess what I want to do now … but I won’t !

Hope to chat to you later !
I

[vera]

I need to re phrase that, Monica.
I don’t mean keep looking back. I meant remember what has brought you to this hell.

[Monica1]

Fell asleep till just now. Idi your post made me smile a lot. Those are exactly the sort of things I would love to do. Right now I exist, that’s about it. I have no life at all, a place where I never thought I would be. God, I would need a makeover, possibly on a weekly basis, what fun. And I love a book club and coffee. I would even try the Lidl baileys…

[i-did-it]

Come to group ???

[Monica1]

Sorry missed group idi. Fell asleep again. The morning has started off a little more positive. Rang about a local job. Not brilliant pay for me and I earned far more ten years ago, but it would be a start. Fingers crossed. My mood lifts if I can see hope of a way out.

[finding_laura]

Being able to take care of your most pressing needs and actually moving in a direction I’m sure will help your moods. I would imagine your time doing the women’s program will have affect on your moods as well. From recent posts it sounds like you have a bit of a plan formulating. The thought of picking a different country to live in is intriguing! I’ve only ever lived in one country. I hope you are at least able to do a little reading? some music? to feed the soul. I’ve missed you in group.
Laura

[Monica1]

Yes, sometimes lately I fall asleep just before group. I read your post on Mav s thread. About how we gamble recklessly to hasten our own end. That is certainly how it was for me. Except I did t pass, I just have sat in abject poverty, misery and stuckness for five months. So clearly not an answer to hastening ones end. There are far worse things I guess than dying and this past five months have shown me that. We can linger in bad states of being for a very long time. That is what scAresme, that I am just stuck like this in a long slippery slope.
My sponsor texted me today to say come to a meeting soon. I thanked him but said that I might at some point but really I did t think GA was helpful for women. And I really mean that. No response back.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
A job would be fabulous – it would help you get back on your feet , and perhaps a lower paid job is just what you need for a while- it will probably be less stressful and a gentler transition back into work.

I saw Laura ‘s post too – the human spirit is so much stronger than we think- Look at you – thinking about jobs and moving house – perhaps even country .
Monica you are emerging from the cloud – lots of life still ahead of us . Keep strong my dear friend .

[Monica1]

I got feedback today about the job away and I was t shortlisted on the grounds of insufficient experience. Just something I have done for about 15 years at the top job. Crazy, but that is what I am finding. Mind you, I wasn’t that keen On The expense of staying away. The local job is a much better option.

[Monica1]

Again I fell asleep just before 10pm chat but woke up early and left the house at 8 am to queue for a gp walk in appointment. Normally i would just stay in my bed and not care. Manyana Syndrome. But not today. It was cold but crisp and sunny. I felt invigorated by the 25 minute walk. Only waited an hour and saw a Gp who got where I was coming from. They agreed that I might have contracted a nasty from the dog or my travels. And are now testing for that. I also said that I wanted to fight to get my life back. This is how feel today, that I am fighting to get it back and it is now just the colon problem to sort out. I felt my fighting spirit and just a bit of what I would call my old self. Externally ala housing officer are acting like I am stuck like this going forward suggesting chronic illness benefits. But I am not. My mood is subtly shifting. Maybe it is the program coming up next week. My Gp has given me what I hope will be my final medical certification. I will go all out to get a job when back from gma. I will accept rejection and just keep going at it. The perfect job will pitch up.

[i-did-it]

What a great post to read Monica- you are coming out the other end determined and confident – you know you can get a job and have your old life back- or an even better one.

its crazy when we think how low gambling can bring us -and when you really think about it -for what?

We could just as easily escape into a good movie!

Monica, the very best of luck in GMA. You deserve a prosperous recovery from this illness- free to rebuild a happy and supported life.
Keep happy!

[i-did-it]

Hope to see you in groups later Monica .
Have you had a nice day ?

[Monica1]

One of those tired days. Not enough sleep and just lounged around most of day posting on others threads. It feels really cold outand I get very sleepy when the temperature drops. Hope u ok.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
Thank you for your post on my thread .
I agree – I could not do controlled gambling. The only chance I have is to stop all types of gambling .
I am so sorry you reached such a rock bottom and I am listening to what you say about circumstances changing .
If my salary went I would reach rock bottom at record speed. Your advice is helping to strengthen my resolve as indeed your kind encouragement always does.

I hope you make it to group later. I think Alliesmum will be there but Laura will be in- flight .
Any news about the job or is it too soon?
Are you feeling any better health wise ?
Wont be long til you go for your trip?
Give us an update? Xx

[Monica1]

Yes the post was about strengthening resolve. If it helps to strengthen your resolve then it helps to strengthen mine too. My longest period of abstinence was 9 months and when I let it back in again, I went past the point of no return financially. It was dreadful in the same vein as a good friend of ours. So I have to be very mindful of the sleeping monster.

On the job front the agency helpfully keep me informed. Decision about who to interview Monday and it will be a phone interview if selected most likely when I am away where there is no access to phones. But will cross that bridge when I come to it.
Today I went to the post office to pick up my train tickets from the post office and drop my medical cert into the dole. I am very grateful to gma for supporting my travel. Thanks Amy. There is no help for us really in that my Gp was unable to find any suitable support without a long waiting list. So I will make a pledge here that if i ever get back on my feet I will support the charity. Where else is there to go for us but here? Still don’t want to go to GA.
The stomach problems are largely resolved although the bug is still there. Gp reluctant to give treatment as I reacted so badly to the last lot. The test for the colon will have to wait until I get back. The acute daily cramps have eased and have now not had them for around three days. I think because I expressed all the rage I felt at life and the universe, in those posts to Vera and alone in my bedroom at home all that helped clear the stomach pain. Pains in stomach related to deep suppressed anger. Mostly at having the carpet pulled from me a lot during this sojourn on the planet. I have put on all the weight I lost before Xmas. My jeans are a bit snug again and the boys money has helped on that front although three weeks later it has gone now.
Aside from that I am looking forward to rural Hereford although 8 have to get up at 4.30am on Monday.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica .
I didn’t know that stomach pain is related to anger – for some reason I always associated the stomach with stress. I’m not surprised you has suppressed anger – you have have had many reasons to be angry and certainly did not deserve to have a gambling addiction at this stage of your life .
Life has dealt you a lot of bad cards – but some amazing ones also – look at your fabulous family !
You have put on weight ? I cannot stop eating. I am
Huge and hungry all the time .
I didn’t realise that GMA paid the train fare – I have to admit I always thought this site was funded by gambling sites and felt I had supported them enough – I will reconsider my position on this . I do hope you manage to make that interview – imagine leaving GMA knowing you had a job to go to. – how perfect .

4.30 is an early start – you will possibly be there by the time I get out of bed . I really hope it’s an incredibly positive experience for you.

Hopefully we both make it to the 10pm group xx

[Monica1]

I think Louise hay would probably relate gnawing pain in the stomach to built up resentment but mine was definitely related to stored anger turned inwards. GMA are only paying my fare because I have no funds. Everything goes on priority debt to avoid prison and court actions. And that only covers some of the priority debts.
I ate a whole Angel cake today and my tummy certainly feels like it has.
I agree that life dealt me some bad cards, particularly at the start. I think how we were brought up is so important and I really get the importance of solid foundations in life. I never had that and neither have my kids either but allhave done ok despite all that. What I find hard is that many people in life don’t stand a chance. I struggle with this about what we are born into, and find it all so incredibly unfair. I get that the soul has its own agenda but still have always found it difficult to reconcile this with suffering on this planet.
And when things were really prosperous for just two years after struggling for decades I getcancer and in the final year of my masters which took me 24 years to get. I started it in 1988 and finished in 2012. I even asked if it was a record. I could t use my arms and was using voice recognition software to finish it working day and night to finish my thesis. I passed with Merit and am still very proud of that. But boy did it cost me. An old boss described me as incredibly driven at the time. What happened to her, where did she go? Can she come back? Or has that person gone forever?

[Monica1]

Don’t you just hate it when there are constant gambling ads on tv and I hate it even more when they are new sites which crop up weekly. When is Gamstop coming? If I was in government I would ban all gambling ads or give them their own channel. It feels like sodom and Gomorrah in this country sometimes!

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, You are amazing! Getting your master degree while battling cancer. You should be proud of yourself. It shows the determination you Have! I really believe that everything good is going to fall in place for you. You certainly deserve it. I hate the gambling ads. I see them everywhere.

[i-did-it]

Monica , I so agree with Lizbeth.
Gaining a masters degree is difficult at any time but when you are also fighting an illness like cancer , it is remarkable.
What a survivor you are and what resilience you have.
These same qualities will turn your life around and get you to where you want to be.

[Monica1]

Yes, it was probably up there with one of the proudest moments in my life. I put off the ceremony for six months as still not over the surgery. How proud I was to pay for the entire family and a friend to stay in the holiday inn in Brighton with lunch and dinner. It everyone came but my sister, mum, middle son and friend did. Pete did come but not to the celebratory dinner out of respect for my son who hated him. My eldest granddaughter stayed the next day with me for Sunday lunch her first time In a hotel. I felt her excitement. My sister still has the grad photo in pride of place. My mum cried when I was all gowned up. The only person in the entire family, going back a few generations to ever do it. And it took me 24 years lol. My mum is Austrian coming from the mountains from a family of coopers. My fathers family which he lost virtually all of them in the war were farmers. He is Latvian and his father was a war hero being the leader of the local resistance, there is a monument to him in Riga. He was shot by Russian firing squad which myfather witnessed. my dad was next but he was only 15 and they told him to slowly walk away, which he did. His mother died in a concentration camp. That was just the start of an awful Iife of loss for him. He never let go of my mother when she left and when he passed in 2006 we found her wedding dress in his wardrobe.
Well. Enough of all that reminiscing. I have to do my washing and get ready to go to Hereford. Haven’t started yet. I spent most of last night and today reading Betties thread and still haven’t finished it. Interesting reading.

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, Bettie was the first person I meet here. I’d just had a gambling binge and was at the end of the line. I went on chat here and Bettie was the only person there. She was the start of my GT experience. Her thread is awesome! Have a good day!

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
Yes Bettie is a wonderful person also – I miss her regular posts although as with many people I found I read more than I replied -I find it hard to write when I’m gaming – it somehow feels like I am deceiving people .

What a family history – Monica -what hardship and what pain- What loss . I cannot think of any words which would convey the absolute horror and pain which your father suffered. I am sure this impacted his whole life and his whole family . I am not eloquent enough to really comment on this one but can say his story has touched me deeply .

Monica – I was the first in my family it graduate too – maybe ever ! I know for people who have not had opportunity it brings great pleasure when their children succeed in this way .

I have written before – sometimes when we look back we see how gambling has ruined our lives and we forget how many great things we have done .

That same Monica is still there – always remember that .

[Monica1]

Thanks for your posts. Yes idi, in short it did impact his whole life and loss perpetuated loss.
Anyhoo, the therapy has sort of started for me already. All my small cases have broken on my travels so I have to use my only suitcase which is quite large lol. It was full of summer clothes not from 2017 but from the previous year. 2016 feels like the last year I had a life. . 2017 was truly horrible. just done three loads of washing clearing mountains of clothes on my bedroom floor. Covered in dog hair. I am sure I am not alone when I say that I only wear 2 or 3 of my favourite things out of some much junk. The dog has snuck back in to my bedroom and has slept in my room for the past three days. When I shut the door he pines and claws at the door.
My upline rang me for a pep talk in the middle of clearing up the mess for an hour or so about starting the business. She sure can talk. So tomorrow I will work on my Facebook page and get started,

[Monica1]

How annoying is that!
Well Pete came in and saw me beavering away with the washing. He saw that my toe was bleeding from a. ingrowing toenail and said that I was doing something, he would cut my nails. He used to do this for his mother before she passed. So he set up the vibrating foot bath, something I had forgotten I had and cut my nails saying he would file and varnish them tomorrow as he was going out. Pete likes to reward good behaviour. He said his only pleasure in life was watching Chelsea play.
On reading Bettie posts, she talks about codependency and I asked myself whether I was codependent. And you know what, I am not. If anything, early on, 15 to 18 years ago, I possibly was a little as I was more concerned about him rather than myself to great cost. Mysponsor also asked me when I started GA whether I was codependent and I was happy to say I was not. In fact I cant wait to move on and out.

[i-did-it]

Wow – u gotta hand it to English men – cutting , filing and varnishing your nails – my Irish husband Would think that my nails grow with bright red polish on th! Lol
I am well impressed!

I actually suspect the reward was more like reality kicking in that he is losing you than anything to do with housework.

Going to cut this short to nip into group – will u be there ?

[TTA]

Hi guys

[TTA]

If you want to let me know contact details please do. If I can help or support in any way I would like to and perhaps you me if needed

[Monica1]

As I memtikned in group one of the rules of gma is not to pass on personal details. The rule is there for good reasons to protect us and also gma.
Could you set up a thread tta about your recovery journey. As you have been through bankruptcy, this would help me enormously. Cheers.

[Monica1]

Pete and l lost each other the day he moved into the front room over six years ago idi, he just happens to have a knack for giving pedicures lol and has done this for me over the years. Odd huh?
I get the feeling he doesn’t think I mean it giving him the deadline to move’out but I have never been more serious in my life about it. Just 2years ago he had no work and I could not ask him to leave then as he would be homeless and broke, even though I wanted to but he can now support himself,just about so it is time to put an end to this and move on. I remember saying a prayer about then 2 years ago asking that he find work so that he can support himself. That time has come now,. It is difficult as he has helped me with food and cigs this past year, a very strange position to be sure. But if he had not left me in the way he had, the gambling addiction would not have started. I am pretty sure of that.

[i-did-it]

What a great talent for a partner to have!
Can he do fake tan? Lol

Yes it does sound like you two are stuck in a rut –
It’s time to clear that space and make room for new opportunities to enter your life .
You deserve the best always – you deserve to be supported when u feel vulnerable .

I get the impression Pete has his own issues – not your problem !

I can’t wait for him to move out ! I sense it will be like throwing off a heavy rug sack full of stones which U have carried for far too long !

Ah there is so much life left to live !

[i-did-it]

Good morning Monica
Great chat last night and it seemed you got a lot of helpful advice from TTA.
Thank you for your post on my thread – it is a sharp reminder of what gambling really is .

I hope you are feeling prepared for your trip and looking forward to it . Today will be a busy day and I hope you can manage to get some sleep before your early start
Xx

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post. Yes, it was very helpful. It takes the scariness out of going bankrupt. Talking about this seems to be quite a taboo, like it’s ome of those things we just do t like to talk about, a bit like death. But we do need to discuss these things. I have fought against it for so many years and it just doesn’t feel so bad after that the chat. I agree with you thatit just feels like the end of the world, Many people have done it, including 2 in my direct family and my sons business partner did it, for much more than I will. There is life afterwards and as I never use credit and think the credit system is a capitalist trap for people, on that level it won’t bother me. I sound more and more like a raving communist but I am actually serious in that credit is a massive trap. Where else can you be paying 300 a month on a large irresponsibly given credit limit and yet only 50 quid pays the actual debt. That was my p.oght on just,one card and withthis addiction when the real cash runs out it will use every pound of credit we have on credit cards.
Well today I am feeling that all things are possible, that recovery is possible and that resurrection of the Phoenix from the ashes is possible. I had good wishes sent to me from my mum and sister, who remembered the date when I only mentioned it once, and my lady GA friend. I just have to sort out my energy levels.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post. Yes, it was very helpful. It takes the scariness out of going bankrupt. Talking about this seems to be quite a taboo, like it’s ome of those things we just do t like to talk about, a bit like death. But we do need to discuss these things. I have fought against it for so many years and it just doesn’t feel so bad after that the chat. I agree with you thatit just feels like the end of the world, Many people have done it, including 2 in my direct family and my sons business partner did it, for much more than I will. There is life afterwards and as I never use credit and think the credit system is a capitalist trap for people, on that level it won’t bother me. I sound more and more like a raving communist but I am actually serious in that credit is a massive trap. Where else can you be paying 300 a month on a large irresponsibly given credit limit and yet only 50 quid pays the actual debt. That was my p.oght on just,one card and withthis addiction when the real cash runs out it will use every pound of credit we have on credit cards.
Well today I am feeling that all things are possible, that recovery is possible and that resurrection of the Phoenix from the ashes is possible. I had good wishes sent to me from my mum and sister, who remembered the date when I only mentioned it once, and my lady GA friend. I just have to sort out my energy levels.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau, All things are possible for you. You deserve all the best! Credit-its a scam in my opinion. I was given tons of credit which in reality with my income, I should have never been offered. It’s a non-ending vicious circle. I’ve cut up all cards but my Visa debit card. 9 credit cards are on my monthly repayment plan. I wanted to file for bankruptcy but where I live some of my assets had to be sold first which I decided against. Lesson learned. Cash instead of cards! Good wishes on your trip and new journey. I’m excited for you. Take care

[Monica1]

It is so cold today. Well, I spent a couple of hours this afternoon building my Facebook page for Neal’s Yard. It always takes me twice as long to do Stuff like this this as I struggle with this sort of thing ie Images and publishing. Will finish it when back from gma and set up a virtual winter wellness event.
Pete came back and gave me a really revolting salad type mix that I couldn’t swallow or take one bite of without throwing up. I really offended him As he had made it but often when he brings bits and pieces back they are revolting and make me sick. He went back out again, clearly fed up. This is such a tricky situation. Glad I will be away for most of the week.

[Monica1]

It is so cold today. Well, I spent a couple of hours this afternoon building my Facebook page for Neal’s Yard. It always takes me twice as long to do Stuff like this this as I struggle with this sort of thing ie Images and publishing. Will finish it when back from gma and set up a virtual winter wellness event.
Pete came back and gave me a really revolting salad type mix that I couldn’t swallow or take one bite of without throwing up. I really offended him As he had made it but often when he brings bits and pieces back they are revolting and make me sick. He went back out again, clearly fed up. This is such a tricky situation. Glad I will be away for most of the week.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
I hope you get good food while you are away .

I don’t suppose you could wash the „stuff“ off the salad?

I guess you will be having an early night so if I don’t see you in group later – safe trip and hope it’s a really positive experience for you .xx

[TTA]

It’s so nice to read that you feel a little better about the bankruptcy situation. I honestly did feel in the outset theat it was the end of the world but life really does go on. I honestly now feel like it’s a positive step in the road to recovery. Look forward to catching up on chat at some point.

I understand by previous comments you are away for a few days so have a safe trip

[Monica1]

Just a short note to,say thanks for the posts. No,idi, it was sitting in a weird gravy!
Thanks tta, talk to you when I am back, have to get up at 4.30 so just,packing now.

[finding_laura]

In case i can’t post again before you leave I’m wishing you all the best on your travels to GMA program. It likely won’t be easy but it will hopefully be life changing in the end. No one knows what the future holds, no guarantees I guess, but, it most definitely has to be better than the current state. It takes courage to do what you are doing Monica. Lets hope this is the catalyst to a new healthy life. take care xo Laura

[finding_laura]

oops, missed page 2! You are likely travelling now. I will be thinking of you. With you in spirit. Laura xo

[lizbeth4]

Safe travels!

[i-did-it]

Just in case you drop by – a little hello and I hope it’s all going well.
Xx

[i-did-it]

Just making sure you know we are thinking about u xx

[Monica1]

Well back posting. A bit late as my iPad charger fell down the toilet yesterday and have had to concoct a makeshift charger from the phone charger which is a bit slow to charge but works, hurray!
It was a very good programme in a lovely venue with 13 very normal ladies whose lives had been damaged by problem gambling . Some stories were moving and even worse than mine! I think a few will become new members of the forum and I see that one has already listed.
The venue is lovely and in the middle of nowhere, 40 minutes by taxi from Hereford station. The food was excellent vegetarian food and is really like going on retreat that you would normally lay a lot of money for, for a few days. The programme gives us the tools to remain gambling free. I shared a room with a very nice lady. The programme will be followed by six weeks of 1 to one counselling, then get together again for three days, followed by further week,y counselling. We hand in our mobile phones and have them for a few hours in the evening. I did not miss mine at all and did not even retrieve it it’s evenings. This is the best and most intensive programme I have seen let alone the only programme for women, and also one which is not based in the sackcloth and ashes GA programme, which I really don’t like and is so wrong for women. It was good, only hampered by the fact that I was unwell on the way there and missed the last half day. I won’t go into detail about that as it woulddetract from what was a very helpful 4 days. Suffice to say I have now done the test that I was unable to do prior to going. My son rang me yesterday and sId he would help with the cost of a definitive test and some probiotics. So grateful for that as it will help enormously wth diagnosing this thing I have had now for five months and is progressively getting worse.
Well. A good friend who stopped same time as me relapsed and lost a lot of money and I was very sad to read about that. It tilled her over the edge. In the programme, we learn about our cues and triggers and have work to do at home in between counselling sessions. My friends triggers was just the long haul in debt repayments and Being refused a loan.
Gambling has destroyed many things in my life and I never want to return to it, one day at a time. Good to be back on the forum with my good friends.

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, Wow, I’m so impressed with the programme. It sound awesome. I’m glad that you were able to attend. Thank goodness your Son is helping with the test and probotics. You need to get your health back so you can concentrate on your life. I’m really happy for you. It was a great experience for you! Take care.

[Monica1]

Yes, it was a good programme and I would recommend it. It is exactly the right sort of support for women for a gambling addiction. I was triggered on the way home with a couple of the ladies on the long train journey with recollections of big wins but I did not remotely feel like gambling. The ruin is still with me nearly six months on and not a lot has moved forward. But I have faith that it will. The real test is when I have income coming in and always will be.
Pete fell out of a tree whilst I was away when he was on a job, and is not 100 percent at the moment but bought me food yesterday. Another macdonalds and a sandwich today. I am still grateful for this. My stomach is holding out but funnily enough only when I eat very small amounts. Three good vege meals a day away and I was unable to digest the food, at all. I was so hungry too but probably ate way too much cos it was so delicious.
I read two good books while away from the collection there on the bookshelf. One was about spirit written by the Christian spiritualist association which delighted me because there is a way forward in Christianity for some of the spiritual things I have learned, they are in London and have healing sessions. I have decided to go as I need to renew my strength in my faith. The inner anger has reduced by 99 per cent so that is one positive move forward. The second was by Ram Dass whose work I read decades ago. It was about ageing and written after he had his stroke. It was interesting stuff and reminded me that god isn’t just the fluffy stuff, he also is the creator, preserver and destroyer, the three in one. This is what I like to do when away, learn some spiritual truths, and I feel I did.

[susiesue]

Hi Monica, just wanted to say hello, it’s Sue from the retreat. I hope you’re feeling better now.

[Monica1]

Is that Sue or Suzie, I expect it is Sue. Hope you are doing ok and gamble free!

[susiesue]

Hello yes it’s Sue (not Suzie). I am doing OK and no gambling 🙂

[i-did-it]

Monica,
It’s so good to have you back- it sounds like you have gained so much from this experience. I agree with you about GA and all that telling us what we need to hear nonsense. As I read your posts I found myself wishing I could go.

You sound so renewed in spirit. It is great that you have made new connections with those ladies – i hope you all get to meet up often.
When do you get the test? Are you worried about it? I hope it helps resolve the issues you have been having .
I hope we meet in chat soon xx

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
Will you be in any of the chats later ?

[Monica1]

Saturday and Sunday chats empty. Not much to post really. Waiting for a diagnosis and kinda fed up with my ongoing situation.
Whilst the course was very good, I would not say it caused a spiritual renewal. For that I think I need a small miracle. Will be in 10pm chat.

[i-did-it]

Great – I hope to make it .
I was out ALL weekend long – will tell u in chat .
Talk soon

[Monica1]

Not enough food or cigs. Comtacted by a debt collector today. I wept when I describe my situation. Some days it feels hopeless. I am so stuck.

[Monica1]

Pete came in at 9 ish with a small amount of food and cigs. I have many times gone past despair in what is two weeks off of six months not gambling.
I am still waiting for a test result, a diagnosis, a grant for filing for bankruptcy.
With no Money to live on I am stuck and I am stunned really at how cruel life is being to me. I pray for a breakthrough so I can move i in some way. I have no life and it sucks.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
Sorry I slept all evening so missed chat.
Sorry to hear you are feeling so desolate – not sure I can say anything useful or helpful.
Annoyed at my last message now – think exhaustion played a part – seems very shallow when you are in such pain.
I hope you get your health issues resolved soon.
It’s hard to feel upbeat when you have been unwell for so long.
Thinking of you xx

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau, Thank you for posting on my thread. I’m sorry that you are feeling depressed. You’ve been going through so much for so long. I pray that you have some relief soon. Goodness knows that you deserve it! Take care. I am thinking of you.

[Monica1]

Yes, that says it all really. Have had enough if this situation. There is nothing anyone can say really to make it any better, at a complete loss.

[i-did-it]

Come to group ?

[Monica1]

Just read your post. You’re up late. Sorry missed group. I can’t talk when I feel like this unfortunately.

[Monica1]

Today I made myself apply for a job. It took 3 hours. This is about survival now and I have to fight and make the effort as my situation has indeed gone on for far too long. I noticed my brain is functioning quite slowly. Don’t like that at all. Is this what happens when you get to 60.? Very cold today and need the fire whilst low on fuel.
If I eat very small amounts at mealtimes I seem to avoid the severe symptoms. Just as well really as not much food, Not really badly unwell since 26th jan, that’s 5 days. Not complacent though as I have had five days gaps and then onset of hours of cramps seem to occur.
Lost my internet earlier and I felt a huge panic as it is my only access to the outside world. But with a quick prayer I managed to fix the router. As I he said before I wish the prayers for my life would work as quick.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau, I was thinking about you this morning. I hope that you can find something positive in your day. I can’t even imagine what you are enduring. I don’t even know if I am saying anything helpful. Just know that people here care about you. You mean something to us.

[lizbeth4]

I was posting the same time as you were. Once you get the test results and get on medication, you will feel a lot better physically. . I don’t think it is because you are 60 that your brain is functioning slowly, you just have so many things going on at the same time! It’s hard to sort it all. I’m glad you got your internet connection going again. I need my internet. Lol!! We lose it a lot here. Take care.

[i-did-it]

I think depression slows down our thinking as indeed stress does .
You have been under an enormous amount of strain Monica and really well done on persevering with the application form- you sound very unwell .
As Lizbeth says when you get treatment for the tummy issues, it will have an enormous impact on your life .
I do hope you are successful with this job – it’s time Your prayers were answered
Keep strong my dear friend xx

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
I have been doing a little research and came across Kefir milk and Kombucha – they are both really beneficial for your gut .
They restore the bacteria that antibiotics destroy .
I noticed Sainsbury’s have Kefir milk – I’m not sure how good it is but perhaps I could send you some- if you check out these two products – they might be helpful for you xx

[Monica1]

Thanks idi. I am actually intolerant of milk, always have been but I remember trying kombucha some years ago. I think I need a minimum of probiotics. If I had the money there is a whole programme I could try. That’s the thing really, withthe fallout from gambling things that I would never even think about spending money on I cannot do at all owingto my persisting destitute state. It’s like I get my nose rubbed in it every day. I don’t know even who or Actually where I am in life anymore which I hope counselling might start to sort out next week.

[i-did-it]

Aw Monica ,
I hope you are feeling better today .
Life has being most Unkind to you and I’m not sure anything I say will help – just letting you know I’m here if u want to chat .
Would there be anything is Neal’s yard that might help?

[Monica1]

Havent posted today because it was a difficult day. Should have gone to product training at Neal’s yard today but just feeling exhausted and didn’t go.

Work coach rang and he showed his usual concern at my plight. Made another appointment six weeks away which is much longer than usual. There is nothing he can do or suggest and this was obvious. He said I have to sort out my health issues out. I said that the docs can only deal with one thing at a time and that healthcare had become really pathetic

Had a long conversation with my daughter today. We feel the same way about life and spiritual matters in general. We both feel such concern at humans who never have a chance in life, she said that the individuals she worked with had shocking life histories. We keep wondering why this is and that hope is just something humans seem to reach for when there is seemingly no hope. And we wondered whether hope was just an illusion in a Life of repeating patterns with the genes and traits that we inherit, We both feel that we did t want to engage in the drama of life. We just dont want to play.

She asked what I had learned in life and felt to be true, I said that I had learned the importance of strong early foundations in life, love is the only thing that is real, that Jesus was the master healer and that my life got saved in every way at 23 by prem rawat. Also that there is a lot of fake spiritual healers out there who are doing a lot of damage. That is it. That is all I now know. Everything I have been doing or learning in the spiritual arena has been revealed to be false and fake.

My daughter left her job after 4 weeks as she was doing nights alone with very disturbed individuals. I said she had done the right thing. This is such dodgy practice when she doesn’t even have any psychiatric training.

My granddaughter had a modern cruel thing called pigging happen to her today when she was asked out by a boy and said he only did it cos she was pig ugly. I spoke to her about how beautiful and talented she is. She played Nancy in the school production of Oliver and I watched the video when at my daughters, she was so good, What a cruel thing to do. I could see that it was one of those things that happen to us early in life that causes hurt.

Cried a lot today I think because of nicotine withdrawal and hunger. Pete came in at 1.15am and made me a pitta bread and baked beans as that was all there is.

I will call my son tomorrow and ask for help with food. I am Posting because this is how it is for me. I realise that this can seem depressing as a reader but it is the truth. I also know that words can’t really help what is becoming a debilitating and what feels I’ve intractable situation ie going so far down. We can’t come up again. Six months in recovery and this is how it is. Sucks.

[Monica1]

Don’t know if anyone remembers these little toys. They get hit, they wobble around but they spring back up and don’t fall down. I got this impression today on my walk to the shops after getting my benefit. After rent and arrears, electricity, phone and internet, the council tax avoiding prison etc I have around 30 pounds to last a month. This is so shocking to me. It is really disgusting.

My son rang me. His girlfriend has moved out of his stepfathers house but they are taking it one day at a time. Not split up but a healthy distance between them. He is putting a few quid into my bank to help. My family strengthen me. Again he said that when I paid some of his rent for about a year when times were hard and the kids were tiny, that what goes around comes around.

I have been symptom free for a week eating small amounts. I hope it continues. Trouble is I get so hungry so if i get a few quid i have to be really careful ask want to devour everything.

[Monica1]

The grandsons are down from Scotland so my son just asked me to Sunday lunch with them. Lovely.

[i-did-it]

Hey Monica,
Just read your post on Lizbeth’s thread about believing things will be ok.
Look at this weekend – you health has improved a little, your son has put a few quid in your bank , you are getting a yummy Sunday lunch ( ask for a doggy bag if u can only eat small amounts and have another yummy lunch on Monday ) and best of all you will spend time with your grandchildren.
You have done a lot of things right Monica – you have children who do their best to rally round you and who want you in their children’s’ lives .
The other stuff will get better .
Hope you have a great weekend .

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau. Have a nice time with your Grandchildren. Your Son sounds like a good man. I hope your tummy issues are diagnosed soon so you can get on medication and get under control. There’s nothing worse than having health issues. Have a,great weekend. Enjoy your Sunday lunch.

[Monica1]

Well, woke up to an email from pokerstars saying my account is now open following a six month break. I emailed back saying to self exclude which they have finally done this evening. I was slightly triggered by this.
Went to Sunday lunch with my son and grandkids. Lovely roast beef at 14.50 a pop. Was a bit concerned that I would keep it in my stomach but am still slowly digesting it 5 hours later. My son was a little stressed with his girlfriend moving out. Her mums boyfriend was recently found deceased outside my ex’s house and he actually found him. 49 years old and self asphyxiated. More trauma for everyone. I prayed for his soul.
My son said that he thought he had triggered my gambling by taking me to play in poker games years ago. Strange to say this when pokerstars had contacted me this morning. I assured him that playing poker was boring and definitely did not trigger me into gambling on the slots. I still play poker on the free sites when I am bored but it does very little for me and I certain.y don’t want to play for money.
Well, I felt a
little triggered when I got home but just sent an email asking them to permanently self exclude which they did a few hours later. Just resting
up watching dancing on ice and digesting a rather large and lovely Sunday roast. Glad it is still in my stomach!

[Monica1]

My son also asked today whether there is any sign of pete moving out, and there isn’t. I have prayed for help that I can recover my health and finances plus get this pete situation resolved for the highest good of everyone.

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, Thank you for taking the time to post on my thread. For myself, it seams easier to just give in to the depression instead of fighting. But I’m really trying today to stay positive. Do you think that Pete is in denial? You may have to address him moving again. I agree with you that our children and grandchildren help to keep us going. I live in a town with a large elderly population. I often wonder how many of them are lonely and have no family interaction. I think it happens a lot. Sadly, this world is a lot different than when we grew up. I really hope for you that Pete leaves and your Son moves in. I think it would change your environment vibes, in a good way. Take care. Have a good day.

[i-did-it]

Well done Monica – that has triggered me in the past .
Your dinner sounds great. I hope the good nutrition lifted your spirits . I just missed you in a late chat last night.
Maybe catch you in chat later ?

[Monica1]

Not a lot today except an old friend rung and I answered this time. Whilst suicidal and depressed I avoided human contact. She has cancer which was diagnosed three and a half years ago. Like me, she wouldn’t do chemo or radiotherapy as we have both seen too many people for whom the treatment killed them, not the cancer. Well, she used all natural immune therapies and diet and it was held at bay till now. She is in her forties and it is back. We had a long chat. She is facing some big decisions as the surgery option is quite radical.
We are facing a cold week in the U.K. which I am hoping is the last flurries of winter. I feel sleepy in the winter time. I have become very lazy. Confined to my bedroom for six months in this destitute state and I need a total rehab programme. My mood is ok though and my friend noticed that it had improved considerably. I dont want to get to the third hundred days and still stuck in limbo.

[i-did-it]

First open group on list – any language ?

[Monica1]

Today I feel overwhelmed with sadness and a tad of frustration which seems to come upon me at least once each week of stagnation.
It is awful having nothing, nothing to do and nowhere to go. The only two things that keep me going are the new energ of spring and an absolute refusal to leave the planet in this state.

[i-did-it]

Aw Mons – u are stuck – like u have stopped on a chewing gum and cannot get loose right now.
The Spring will melt the gum and you will be able to move forward.

How are you feeling health wise ? Have your tummy issues settled ?

[Monica1]

Never been stuck like this in my entire life. Yes, the tummy problems have settled, just bothered a wee bit. Going back to docs tomorrow.
Why, when I am nearly six months without a bet don’t i get some relief? Why, I keep asking myself and the more it goes on, the more I lose faith. No one should have to live like this.

[Monica1]

Well, rang up for the test result and it was a big negative for parasites and nasties which is good. Really pleased about they. Could this be a turn for the better? I can only hope. I am on day 12 without major symptoms.
I had my counselling session which I found very helpful. I will reinstate the hope and recovery plan idi and I did weeks ago and report every Friday.

[i-did-it]

Yippee Monica – you have been under such enormous stress added to the bug you had followed by courses of antibiotics – its little wonder it has taken things a longtime to settle .

I am feeling positive today too -a few small changes that have happened have lifted my spirits a bit .

Let’s do our plan and start living .
We deserve to have a great life .

[Monica1]

Didn’t post yesterday as not much to report except going for the first time to Lidl. My verdict is for some things really good value, for others taste is ghastly and poor quality compared to the big supermarkets. Good cheese, watery insipid trifle, great herrings in sauce and the soup was vile.
Today my sister called. She has a tithe cottage on the duke of buccleuch estate given to her because my dad worked 50 years. The estate are clearly in financial trouble and have made many farmhands redundant and are selling 20 cottages including hers. Just given three months notice and no support or help. My sister is 62 and her husband 69, who is chronically ill. I advised her to go public but she was clearly very distraught. We are both sick of this country and no longer want to live here. It is not a country we recognise but like something in a terminal decline. This is giving me the impetus to get well and back to work. Clearly I don’t care much about me but I do about my family.
Also spoke to my friend who has cancer who is going down the alternative and conventional medicine route now. I am slightlyworried for her as it sounds as though it may have spread to the liver. I hope for her sake it hasn’t.
Honestly, troubles everywhere.

[Monica1]

Didn’t post yesterday as not much to report except going for the first time to Lidl. My verdict is for some things really good value, for others taste is ghastly and poor quality compared to the big supermarkets. Good cheese, watery insipid trifle, great herrings in sauce and the soup was vile.
Today my sister called. She has a tithe cottage on the duke of buccleuch estate given to her because my dad worked 50 years. The estate are clearly in financial trouble and have made many farmhands redundant and are selling 20 cottages including hers. Just given three months notice and no support or help. My sister is 62 and her husband 69, who is chronically ill. I advised her to go public but she was clearly very distraught. We are both sick of this country and no longer want to live here. It is not a country we recognise but like something in a terminal decline. This is giving me the impetus to get well and back to work. Clearly I don’t care much about me but I do about my family.
Also spoke to my friend who has cancer who is going down the alternative and conventional medicine route now. I am slightlyworried for her as it sounds as though it may have spread to the liver. I hope for her sake it hasn’t.
Honestly, troubles everywhere.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
Your post has touched something deep inside me . I feel angry, frustrated and sad to think your sister and her husband could be treated so horribly . The estate may be in trouble but it will be the „little people “ who pay the cost . It has stirred some deep emotions as it brings back the history of my own country and the appalling treatment at the hands of rich landlords – from evictions when crops failed and rent couldn’t be paid – to the Irish Holocaust when food was shipped out of the country under armed guard while millions of Irish died, and that perhaps was one of the least injustices that happened . Oh I hope your sister can save her home – surely there are laws which protect people – I am thinking there may be a clause under human rights where people who have lived in their homes for over thirty yeArs have the right to live out their days in peace .

I also feel a sense of hope for you. Bottom line if we can work we can have an ok life – I hope you get into suitable employment soon- I feel hope because you sound so positive and determined . Monica life is not good without money .
I am afraid you have converted me. I forget what Lidl looks like. But my thinking has changed . I love having nice food in the house and find I am running to those pricier shops for almost everything – and yet I am saving a lot of money because I no longer look in the fridge and then go and get an Unhealthy take away.
I hope to meet you in group soon. Sorry if my reply is really strong – your post did stir some deep rooted emotions .
Monica keep strong !

[Monica1]

History teaches us much and I acknowledge the Irish situation you speak of. Yes, I have asked her to go public. But the estate is based in Scotland and genuinely don’t give a toss. At their age having this happen is just despicable. She had to go home from work. She lost her home that she owned due to bankruptcy which was not her fault years ago and has been in her present home for 13 years.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,

It was nice to meet your briefly in group last night .

It’s such a shame that the open chats are so inadequate now – in the past they were a really good support .

I hope you are feeling really positive today !
I cannot get your sister out of my mind- it seems like they have done their checks and are evicting those they can evict.
What a horrible society we live in – where the rich get richer …

Have a lovely day Monica and get out in that Spring sunshine !
(Our Spring is the Celtic calendar -Feb Mary April – did you know that ?)

Onwards and upwards Monica

[Monica1]

I liked idis post on her thread about motivation and the list. I struggle to motivate myself to do anything and I just have a what’s the point feeling to everything. I have prayed for help every day and not received any. On st Valentine’s Day I will hit six months exactly clean and I am no better. So the stop gambling and good things will follow makes me want to scream and cry. I will use the motivation issue with my counselling session this week as I feel it is a much bigger issue for us in recovery and a tough nut to crack. But if we did, life could be amazing.
I have spent my time watching the Winter Olympics and enjoying the snowboarding and elegant ice dancing. Try as I might I can’t get into the curling which seems to me like quite a daft sport. It makes me think about how we all could have been if we had the backup and Support when we were small. All Of these things to excel at something are unattainable when you are brought up in a poverty environment with no emotional support to express who we are. I have been thinking a lot about how wonderful it would be to excel at something. I have prayed for my own gifts to be shown to me, Because genuinely no longer know myself. What used to drive me and hold my interest no longer does and I feel bereft for who I used to be. Reflective today.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau, 6 months gamble free, I hope I can get to that time period also. I read your posts and I’m amazed how strong you are. You’ve endured so much. I know things will get better for you. You’re probably sick of hearing that. So I’m probably saying the wrong thing. I think of you and pray for your situation to improve. I think gambling makes us lose our real selves. Horrid disease. Take care.

[kin]

Hi Monica, Lizbeth4 and I did it,

All of you have been thru a lot of hardships, pain, and tears. And it takes a lot of courage and determination to do what you are doing now which is to do your best with what you have.

We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.
If some thing bad happens in life , we can’t change it. All we can do is make the best out of it.

[finding_laura]

Good morning Monica,

6 months gamble free will be a huge accomplishment. It may not have a financial reward attached to it but you have no longer been escaping into oblivion and destruction. For some reason you decided to survive. How much longer is are things going to to take to turn around? Yes I understand the sentiment about things getting better once we’ve stopped. But most of us aren’t being nearly started to death by our own society. I don’t even want to get started on society or I may completely blow a gasket. Keep applying for jobs, something is better than nothing! . I honestly don’t know what to say! We keep thinking something has to come up for you and yet still you wait. I’m hoping son has topped up your food account. I pray that you will get the inspiration or opportunity that you need. Well done on your clean time. You earned every darned day of it! Life, please give this woman a break!!!

Laura xo

[Monica1]

Helpful posts. Nothing new to report today except to comment on something I have thought about and laura mentions it. Something is better than nothing. I have contemplated this for a long time and for me work wise something Is actually not better than nothing. I can’t fit myself into a low level job, the cap doesn’t fit, maybe for a week so I can get tax refunded for this year but no more. I can’t squeeze cmyself into that space.
I am grateful I am still alive and slowly but steadily recovering my health.
This year is all about recovery and I set my intentions for this year at New Year but I will add a few more.
I would like my family to come together and support each other. We are all challenged in one way or another.
I would like to work at a few things. Must have autonomy and make a difference at what I do. That is important to me. I would like to send the winter months ie January and February away in a warmer climate as I have realised I no longer function well in the winter. I never have really but as I get I,set I hibernate more and don’t want to go out into the cold.
All of the intentions I set out for this year are achievable. I am still here alive on the planet and where there is life there is always a degree of hope. I have no idea at why recovery just hasn’t happened for me, maybe because I have been at this point a few times, although circumstances never as bad as this time round. I have been gamble free in the past for long periods and every relapse was more insane. The longest I was in limbo although not as destitute was the time before this one at four months, now it has been six months. What a waste of time, life and talent.

[finding_laura]

Hey Monica, glad today is a little more positive day for you. And hope your health is going to take a turn for the better for your.

Please don’t take this as meant in a mean spirit. You’ve said certain things as well before. About the right job, the right food, the right restaurants. I can understand that you can’t make yourself conform to some nameless duplicated society useless job for long term. For some it is just soul sucking. No other way to describe it. But if the choice is between starvation or humbling one’s self by working „beneath their standards“ for a year it seems like a lot of snobbery not to.

I was taught that a real woman got the job done no matter what it took and sometimes you don’t like the job.

Sometimes when you fall it really hurts but you are more than your job title and you never know when or how an opportunity will present itself.

You have probably been too ill to hold down too strenuous of a job up until this point anyway but as you feel better I hope you broaden your work search unless you have some secret funds. You can still search for the dream job but in the mean time you need to live on more than your current grocery budget. There are a lot of people who would love to lay claim to your resume (and all the hard work and effort that went into it). Use it to move your life forward.

I know you will find your way through the challenges. One at a time. Thinking positive and want to believe that someday you will look back from a new and different life and be amazed at how you got there. Take care ,
Laura

[Monica1]

And I hope you are recovering well. I am not looking for the dream job at all, just something worthy of what I have to offer. I cannot do a menial job, not at all. And I wont. If that sounds indignant it is! I know myself well. To me having a miserable life not doing something you can enjoy is no life at all.

Today has been a mixed day with quite a setback. I got the second bailiffs notice threatening committal to prison for non payment of a ****** court judgment. The worst thing is I had responded to it explaining my situation but they received it too late and made a judgment against me for too much. I felt sick to my stomach having just fought off the other committal to prison just weeks ago. I felt sick to my stomach.
I was also phoned today about two jobs. I had withdrawn from the other local job as I did not have the skills requested. It just feels like the prison thing won’t let me go. Just as I was feeling a bit physically better, I have this. I rang them twice but they did not respond back.
This evening we had the gma private group for gma residents. We explored anger issues that emerge in early recovery for many of us, particularly the management of anger. It was very helpful.

[Monica1]

The phrase you mention about a real woman getting the job done I find very strange. I totally disagree with it. If we spend our time doing something we hate for most of the week is a recipe for a very unhappy person. Laura I think you are misunderstanding me. The right restaurants? I only eat out when my sons take me. The right foods? I have starved in this six months. I know my own worth. That’s all.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica, I’m not sure if the same level of pay is still available in the current financial climate but I feel if you undersell yourself you will lose confidence – and it is so difficult to climb up again.

A period of illness or even time out can be explained easier than why you felt the need to pack shelves – I think !

A job will turn up soon- perhaps connect with as many recruitment agencies as possible ?

I think Laura is more concerned about your nutrition or lack of it right now .

Keep strong !

[Monica1]

Missed you yesterday. Thanks so much for your post, hope u ok. I fully expect not to earn what I have done previously and that is fine, but I know you understand my point. Yesterday set me back, I found it hard to sleep till 7.30am. I was called by the bailiffs first thing this morning at 8.30am. When I explained my situation they said they would write back to the court as Unenforceable. It was actually a nice lady who was very sympathetic. I browsed channels after watching the Olympics most of the night to the potters wheel on tbn at 6am and it was a rousing evangelist who talked about when God leaves you in the wilderness which is exactly where I have been left. He didn’t exactly address what to do about this but voiced the sentiments quite loudly about how it feels. I related to what he said. He ended it with time for change. I hope that this is a sign that things will truly change. I am still having only minor symptoms from my gut and hope it has all turned a corner. The one thing I do know is that negative emotions not expressed cause such harm to the body and maybe my ranting and anger in recovery when alone has been a positive healing thing. Anger issues for women in recovery are common, we are taught as kids that being angry not acceptable and we stuff it,down or end up for years like me trying to placate angry men (not an issue for ten years nowbut boy,a,lifetime getting that out of my system and finally getting it. Think I must be a slow learner on a life level……
This morning pete acknowledged he just had a couple of months to move out which is a positive development and the first time he has mentioned it since it was said, it means he is taking it seriously.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
I will chat to you in group about my current stress. I have had too many posts pulled apart and reassembled with a totally different and quite likely deliberately negative perspective to discuss readily on here( for too many years). I am doing well in recovery at last and I no longer prepared to leave myself open to saboteurs.

I do get what you are saying and I do understand – I couldn’t bear to go backwards in my career either . It would feel like my whole life’s work and learning was for nothing. I still have ambition to move forward and I think I will.

Pete is going – yippee! He is a constant reminder of his appalling treatment off you after your illness. Speaks volumes about him!

Rant and rave if you need to – the rule better out than in applies to most things in our lives. Imagine the sense of freedom when he goes- you will be unstuck in one part of your life. That’s a great start.

Hope I get to meet you in group. I go away in the morning but will try to stay in touch
Xx

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica, Sorry so late responding. Still sleeping lots. Part of the problem with my post is that I shouldn’t be trying to post when I’m still in this state. Nothing that puts together more than a few sentences anyway.

I’m sorry if what I said came across or harsh. I can totally understand not wanting to undersell your self. Not wanting to take less than you are „worth“. But I wonder if there are some positions you could apply for to tide you over. There is a lot of ground between top of your field and doing menial labour (which is perfectly respectable by the way). And I would think self sufficiency would be preferable to the current state of affairs. Don’t put all or most of your self value on your job or the social status and income with benefits that comes with it sometimes. In a flash that can be gone. And you are truly more valuable than a job title or a degree. I pray you get a job worthy of all the hard work you’ve put in. Those of us that no longer have those capabilities or maybe never did aren’t lesser. And filling a slightly lower position to take care of your self seems quite a sensible thing to me. Work times are tough didn’t you say? I’m sure you wouldn’t be the only one in your field doing the same. Not every job can be in paradise but it can be a job and a means to take care of ones self.

Anyway, I guess I just really worry about you not having enough to take care of yourself properly. And a really good job another 4 or 6 months from now, can you wait it out? Anyway,enough on the job front. Just consider that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. There is a lot in between.

So good that you seem to be getting more of what you wanted and needed out of the ladies program. The part about negative emotions made me think you may have wanted to say a thing or two to me about my „real woman“ comment. I apologize. It was a poor choice of words! I was always taught that any work, if honest is respectable. The women in my family were cleaners to a CEO. You worked til you found your dream job lol (unless both legs were broken, then you were off the hook). So we will keep praying the „perfect job for you“ comes along soon. Please take care of yourself. I haven’t read your latest post so heading there now.

Laura

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post. You are a lovely person. Now, I still feel a little misunderstood but I get where you are coming from. We just have a different view on it, that’s all. My mother was a hospital domestic and my father a woodman. Both were immigrants and in my fathers case a refugee to the Uk. I respect manual jobs but I have never been able to do them, aside from work in a shop which I did as a teen. I was top in many subjects at school except
for maths, physics and bottom in domestic science, And I don’t have a snobbery about it just that it doesn’t resonate with me. Being bought up in my formative years by my father who was very good at domestic science and insisted on doing all the cooking, cleaning and washing without help, gave me the rather blinkered view view that a man does these things and domestically I have always been worse than hopeless. The man in a relationship has always done it. Not that this is right, and seems to be a reverse gender bias issue. Blame my father. It is just how things have been, I recognise this as odd, but I have absolutely no aptitude for manual jobs that involve cooking and cleaning.
Thanks for your clarity about a real woman, it did feel like a personal dig and I somehow get the feeling you think I am a bit of a snob. But, I have the snobbery that may come from not wanting to do things in the world that I cannot resonate with even if the rest of the world is doing it. I hope that makes sense,.
I was asleep after 10pm group tonight and have just woken up. My friend with cancer has sent me a healing manual to read and asked for my view. She had found it quite inspiring. This is quite interesting as it is by the healer she goes to who actually really messed me up when I went to see him on her recommendation. I went re the gambling issue when I was very active, It was when my colon problem first manifested and started one year ago now. It was the day I did reiki with hi and was too unwell to go back for the second day. Interesting stuff and connection that I can’t pretend to understand. Unravelling some of the mysteries of life. Better than jut sitting around playing games in the iPad….

[i-did-it]

Monica as a Christian I would say steer away from „all that stuff“.
I perhaps have a naive view or perhaps I was given a glaringly huge sign which I read – but there is only one healer who heals through miracles .
I find it absolutely easy to accept that there is a link between addiction and „new age practices“.
I refuse to even do yoga now and over all as I gradually feel cleansed from the things I dabbled in many years ago -I find feel cleansed inside and outwardly .
My life Had improved so much – mostly by the removal of negative people -and the introduction of positive ones – this has happened over time -maybe this is why the addiction is proving easier to beat this time. Also many people who have been in my life a long time – for example at work- at last see the real me and the seem to like what they see.
.
I think your life is starting to follow the same pattern.. I think people who have dragged you down (Pete?) are leaving and the positive people (your children? Us ?) are becoming ever more prominent figures.
I think you would find solace (and maybe even contacts !) in a good Christian church Monica.
You are a good person. I don’t think you are a snob and I know Laura doesn’t think so – we both have formed friendships with you and that is because we value you and like you- it really is that simple !

– I never reached any dizzy heights in my career , but I know that to bring in a good salary means so many sacrifices – the biggest being time with our kids. My happiest days are when I’m off and there is a lovely dinner sitting on the table when my child gets home. It is difficult now to turn our back on all those sacrificed times and accept less !

Thank you for chatting last night- I am still anxious but I am
Clearer in my mind about what I have to do – I think sometimes we forget how fragile our mental health is and looking after that is my priority right now .

[Monica1]

You are so right in that our mental health is quite fragile or maybe we are just more sensitive to how we feel these days.
I agree that Jesus is the master healer but I also feel that beyond the veil GOd is formless and will appear in any form we view him to be in ie Buddha, Krishna etc. After giving due consideration for many months now to a genuine spiritual crisis re new age v Christianity, I have come to the view that we need to be more broad minded as many people are narrowing right down and becoming rigid in their thinking. I have an online friend who did colour therapy same time as me and has turned into a bible basher and has deemed the colour therapy we did as demonic, it comes across as very very disturbing to me as to where some people’s thinking is going, But there is a big trend of people switching from new age to Christianity. I don’t really like church but did find when away in Hereford contacts for Christian spiritualists in the book I came across which is the side of the Christian fence I probably most sit on. They say we should never talk religion as it always causes disagreement (it kind of does) but I do feel that this is all current and a massive issue that is causing confusion for a lot,of people right now. Incidentally, my sons ex, mum of my granddaughter is a yoga teacher and I would absolutely
do yoga. She is very fit spiritually and physically,
My friend said this healer is giving a talk on Sunday but I did say I could not Support his work as did me no favours at all when I saw him. I am still trying to understand some of this stuff and the general weirdness around what happened when I saw him, so I am keeping it simple to what has always worked,for me which is Jesus and PRem Rawat,
Pete is moving out because I asked him to, when I should have done this years ago, Being in recovery helped me to see that I could confront the issues that I had not been able to confront. True though that I had been waiting till he could Support himself which has on,y just been recently.

[finding_laura]

Dear Monica, I totally get how that came across as a dig. And believe it or not I wasn’t trying to dig at you but more ask why you would choose between two such opposite choices (benefits or job at title/level). I guess I just look at it from a case of self survival or preservation. And what would get you unstuck from this poverty you are in. No malice intended. And as I mentioned in response to your last post on my thread, you are a smart woman and I support your choice. As a friend. We don’t all have to made from the same mould. You survived without help from food bank and SA (of which I was quite concerned you might fade away or die of food poisoning from one of Pete’s bring homes) and you will survive this job drought too. And when it ends it will be on your terms.

On a side note I too have an immigrant parent and aunts uncles grandparents. Uneducated and at all ages and stages in life when they came here. They all made good lives for themselves. Lots of happy endings.

So I’ll leave it there as I’m getting unfocused with pain levels. Hopefully we can catch up in a group where it’s easier to avoid misunderstandings. Well done on staying gambling free during all of this stress.

Laura

[Monica1]

Really surprised to get an indignant email from my friend saying iam blaming others and playing the victim. Saying it is my fault I stayed with pete and had a gambling addiction. I emailed back saying why doesn’t she accept my truth and that things got a lot worse after I saw the healer. Said she was being very judgmental and that I think we need to leave each other well alone for a while. Really disappointed and surprised.

[finding_laura]

my memory can be very short Monica but i don’t ever remember you blaming anyone, never mind a healer. She may just so desperately want to believe this person will help her that she won’t accept anything but total belief in them. I recently had an experience like that. From a very close recovery friend. It hurts but i know the truth. And so do you. I’m just glad in my case he is helping my friend a lot.

Laura

[Monica1]

Ty Laura,
What a lovely post from a very switched on person. I understand where you are coming from. I will come out of this. I really believe that. Today I have eaten you will be pleased to hear. A bit concerned about my friends very judgmental view of me in a very spiritual person who is supposed to be non judgmental. I need to leave things with her for a bit but I have prayed to Jesus for her and yesterday she told me she had a dream about Jesus saying everything was going to be ok.
Hope your pain gets relieved quickly Laura. Speak in group.

[i-did-it]

Monica,
Your friend has cancer – and if I remember correctly (sorry if I am getting mixed up ) it is a relapse . It sounds like she is lashing out – I guess her emotions must be all over the place .
She maybe needs to believe in this healer right now – she maybe needs the hope .

She also will need her friend so I am glad that you two have moved on from your differences but can I also state I never remember you blaming anyone else or playing the victim.

We are all where we are today which is not where we would be if we did not have a gambling addiction- that’s something we didn’t chose and we had little control over – these are the cards life has dealt us and we are all doing our best to deal with them.

I have taken on board your points – I know so many healthy and Flexible people who do yoga – I feel tempted.

I made a decision to stay within the confines and recommendations of Christianity – it gives me a simple blue print for life and even though sometimes my friends go to see spiritualists , reiki masters and fortune tellers etc , I prefer to stay „safe“.
I dabbled in all sorts not the past and now I just want to live simply and not worry if I am „opening doors“ to anything bad . It sounds simplistic and it is simplistic – but it works for me !

Having said that everyone to their own. I was brought up catholic but find a lot of it is not for me and have refused to brain wash my child with a lot of it . He is now of an age where he can chose for himself and I know he prays and has the same simple but absolute faith I have . He may change and that will be ok too .

Monica, I guess there is a reason we should not discuss politics or religion with our friends lol !
So many different views even within a single faith .

I like Laura, worried about you starving – and I also pushed you to go to the food bank – you however stuck to your guns and you have survived – so you were right all along.

Monica keep remembering – you are only a job away from a good life – it will turn up – keep strong and stay positive !

Xx

[Monica1]

Today I was feeling a bit down and physically a bit frail after not sleeping too well and having to be awake first thing for a phone call about a job application that is now subject to a prolonged delay.
Slept after that till around 6.30pm and felt a bit better. Had my phone counselling session with gma which was helpful. Cheered me up a bit. Won’t go into the detail of it but the bottom line is that I need to renengage with my faith and tryand get work. I am cut off from the world and have been for all these months now. I have to give it a try. Will go to docs on Monday to see if I can be declared fit to work. The email from my friend had upset me a lot and I spent some time talking about this.
When had finished, my son rang me and said he had a feeling I was hungry and would just drop by with some food and cigs. Thank you Ben. He was right. We will talk over the weekend. I feel,a bit squirmy when given thins almost guilt like I don’t deserve it, I gotta deal with that.
My granddaughter may be coming back to London to attend the Brit school and we are going to be talking over the weekend. We will need the space in my home if that happens. I also received an email from my friend apologising for offending me. That’s a first. She has never done that before. I am thinking about how to respond. It hurt me. If Laura reads this, as I posted on your thread our friendship can survive that Unmeant comment. I am not sure my other friends very hurtful comments will. But I am a very forgiving person, possibly too forgiving as I have forgiven much in my life.
Pete has just come in and gave me some oranges saying I need the vitamin c. So not a good start to the day but again, my son chips in and helps in so many ways making the day a lot better.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
Your son is indeed a blessing – such a thoughtful and caring young man.
I think you are right about getting back out there – it will be difficult at first but you will see that you can do it .
Do you really feel fit for work Monica ? That’s is great news .
How lovely if your granddaughter moves in also – your life is changing and improving .

Laura is a good friend to you on here – the thing with online so we cannot see others facial expressions or hear their tone of voice so it is difficult to completely understand what they are saying sometimes – I got the gist that Laura was worried you would starve and was coming from a place of friendship .

Monica your life seems t be on its way back to the way it was – how great is that ?

Monica you do deserve things – I have been writing a lot about deserving stuff on my thread -we need to truly believe that we deserve as much as anyone else . Why would we not ? And why do we feel we should not ?
Is that why we threw our money away ?

I hope you have a great day Monica and I look forward to reading “ the path back “ to where you want to be .

Thank you for your continued and much appreciated friendship .

Ps. Flu a little better – such a bad patient !!

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post and I am glad the flu abated for a while. Was thinking about you last night and wishing you well.
The truth is that I am still destitute, bankrupt and stuck. There isn’t a magic wand here or a turning point that says, yes, everything is better. Cos it simply isn’t. So no, I am nowhere near where I would want to be. My gut problems are much better than they were after some six months of horrible symptoms so I am very grateful for that.
I do agree with you though about deserving good things. I deserve so much more than i have been granted in this life. Just to have one more opportunity to be able to recover my life sometimes seems like too much to ask for, but I am asking for exactly that. Yes, I threw everything away and to this day I don’t understand fully why, and yet I do. I couldn’t see a future even though I had planned for what I would do in my later years as a career but through some strange twist that was all taken away. I also blew the small pension I was due on gambling. So it is hard to start again at 60, really hard. I simply don’t know if it is possible, and not much interests me, I have become a recluse, yet not a bitter and twisted recluse. I just don’t know if I have what it takes any more to rebuild my life.
My friend has texted me saying to go out and enjoy the sunshine but I don’t feel up to responding to her yet.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau, It is very hard to start over at 60. I’ve been thinking of you today. I gambled again. I’m just sick over it. I know if I don’t stop now, I will be beyond the point of return. Why do we torture ourselves? I keep praying for you to have the right opportunity to help propel you forward. You deserve It! Just because we make mistakes, doesn’t mean we should live in perpetual state of hell. I truly believe that when your Son moves in things will be very different for you. A lot more positive. I’m wishing all the best for you! Take care.

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, I wanted to add that even though it is hard starting over at 60, it isn’t impossible. You will do it!!!!

[i-did-it]

Monica
Online is a strange thing .
I think I only really „got“ how much your friend hurt you when I read what you wrote on Lizbeth’s thread. I misunderstood and thought your differences were down to types of therapy and your current circumstances. I didn’t realise your friend was getting at you for having an addiction .

I hope you feel a lot better – this is hard enough without the people who should be there for us turning on us .
We deserve non judgemental support as much as anyone else.

We all deserve recovery and a life free from financial worry.
I hope you are having a nice day and feeling positive about the future .
Did your doc declare you fit for work by the way ? I hope so but only if you feel fit .
Keep strong

[Monica1]

Thanks for the post idi. Well, it is all a bit mixed. I didn’t post much on Sunday and Monday because living on porridge and biscuits. Miserable. Saw my Gp this morning and she has put me off for a further two months although she acknowledged that if job comes up I would take it and that my longstanding destitution was making things ten times worse. I was a little tearful because I am so sick of this harsh and solitaryexistence. She has referred me back to the hospital for a camera down the stomach because my symptoms at poulstone were really quite bad and I have well lost over a stone in six months. I am now half a stone off my ideal weight whereas before I had a stone and a half to lose. I explained that this was likely a result not having enough food and my stomach could not tolerate a normal diet at poulstone. She prescribed some antispasmodicsin case the spasm comes back but I have been free of them since 26th January with only minor stomach symptoms. I also have a minor eye infection.
One hour later I have been invited for an interview next week which I will definitely do.
All a bit mixed. My friend texted me to say she didn’t want to fall out. Neither do I but I let her know by text that her comments were very hurtful. She said my gambling addiction and pete were my fault, I created this situation and that I was playing the victim and looking for blame ie the healer. This is all complete rubbish. I could say she created her cancer and that would be just as unhelpful. I still don’t want to talk to her.
On a more positive note my daughter is coming to London and will visit tomorrow.

[Monica1]

Slept for a few hours early evening. Was expecting avisit from the housing woman this afternoon but got a text saying she was ill after being away in India. Got a phone call re feedback from a job I applied for. Saying I was too experienced and should be doing the bosses job for the role I applied for. There are a few more jobs now when for months there was nothing. So we will see. I can see that everything may concertina if I get a job ie gma residential and the hospital referral. But if offered a job I will do it, that is what is most Important right now and will take priority.

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, Thanks for your post. I feel like more job opportunities will be coming your way! I hope you have a good visit with your Daughter. Maybe you can get out of the house for awhile. When is your Son moving in? How is Pete acting? Sorry that our friends both had mixed reactions to our gambling addiction. You find out who your real friends are when you really need them. I hope you have a good day!

[Monica1]

Fell asleep before midnight group but Noone on 10pm group, just missed idi. Listened to the Potters Touch which is on at 6am on TBN. . This is good old fashioned rousing evangelism. It’s really good, we need this type of inspiration. I for one need rousing out of my stupor, The last three I have watched could almost be talking to me. This morning it was about how’illness isolates us from society, we become something else and we can give up up and lay down and die, something I can really relate to, as I guess we all can hitting the sheer lows of,a gambling addiction and recovery. And it demonstrated how Jesus healed Jairus daughter bringing her back from the dead. And it said get up, get up, get up. And I am getting up.

We are in for a cold spell here and temperature is dropping. Still short on food.

[finding_laura]

friends should be bringing friends care packages of food, hope, courage, friendship and whatever can be given. I’ve lost three of my good friends in life. One to illness, two by my own choice in response to their behaviours. What I was willing to accept from them had limits. It made me more lonely, but, the kind of company they gave came with all sorts of drama and running to the rescue. As in me running to their rescue. Sometimes we need to re evaluate friendships. It’s ok to take space and another look at your friendship.
Being in recovery has made me realize that I need to place myself as a much higher priority. No matter how many times I start to revert to old habbits, I can come here and remember where they took me.

Yes being overqualified can be a bit of a curse too Monica. Maybe you’ll be lucky and the bosses job will open up. And they will remember you as the perfect candidate. Sorry, I know real life doesn’t usually work that way. But if things are getting busier, hopefully the market is picking up.

Did you have your visit with your daughter or is it this weekend? Hope you enjoyed and she decided to fatten you up.
I’ve been tired since I woke about 6 hours ago. I’m wondering if that is considered awake long enough for a nap. Thinking about you ladies. I can’t wait to be done healing.
Laura

[Monica1]

Thanks, it’s been very quiet on here lately and I have not posted daily. The support seems to have waned. My daughter didn’t come but I am used to plans that go awry in that direction. In respect of my friend she texted and said she wouldsend some healing. I still haven’t responded I a text asking how I am cos last few days felt very depressed.
Truth is I feel like I am sinking. Been hungry too many times this week and I have had enough of all of it. I go past the point of having had enough so many times, it all just feels impossible.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I feel the support has waned somewhat too but it seems to go in cycles on here- we make friends but many disappear . Sometimes it is hard to come back if we relapse. When people have gambled they seem to get lots of support – it always wanes when we are gamble free.
It’s just the way it is.

I hope you are eating today .
I hope you are up and out .

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, I’m sorry that you are feeling depressed. I don’t like hearing that you are hungry. I wish there was something i could do to help. Friends: we find out our true ones when we really need their friendship. I hope there is something positive in your day!

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
How are you doing today?
I notice many of those we have befriended have already stoped posting. I genuinely hope it is because they have found other support and have been gamble free. Sometimes I look back over the past threads and there were many who were here for a while and then disappeared or stopped posting .

I’m still here and think I will be forever. I have been trying groups across the weekend and nobody is on there – although I just missed Laura last night – it’s a shame groups are not on all the time then the „meeting place“ would actually be of use as we could arrange to meet at certain times .

I hope you have a good day – I am forcing myself to get out of bed and get the day started – I think maybe forcing ourselves into a routine is the way to go.
When you get paid next how about spending a little on the basic range at Asda .
A giant bag of pasta , some tins of tomatoes and a few herbs would ensure you don’t go hungry. Throw is a few fish fingers or those giant bags of frozen meat . Yes it’s probably low quality but better than hunger .!
You can get some really cheap stuff – I remember getting shower gel for 11p
Hunger should not happen in this day and age in the uk but it does.

I really hope you get to eat something today .
Having no money is no fun.

[Monica1]

Thanks idi. The thing about having nothing is thatyou can’t actually do anything so I just stay in bed. Just taking a bus journey is something to consider as to whether I have enough money for a bus. I have, however, reached the same conclusions as you only just recently over the last 24 hours in that we have force ourselves to do things, The olympics have been quite wonderful and I was feeling a little sad that they have now finished. Great for insomniacs and all night awake people such as me. Wonderful closing ceremony. I have at least rediscovered my interest in history and geography, watching tv programmeson the Tudors and lots of Michael Palin travel programmes. I haven’t listened to the news for months and don’t watch soaps or trashy reality tv. I have changed so much over time as to what I will expose myself to and I actuall don’t think I am alone in this.
And yes, your suggestion about an open all the time group is a good one. I don’t feel able to comment to new people on the forum which I used to do, just speak to new folks in the groups, as I don’t feel like recovery has happened yet for me even though I am today 195 days clean. How can I talk about recovery, the joys of buying things when it just hasn’t happened to me. So I guess some of it is self preservation. Dreadful isn’t it, but I still live in hope that things will shift soon. The lower my mood goes, the worse things are, so I have to make great efforts to shift it when it occurs. Some of 8t is down to lack of good food and long waits for food in the day. Incidentally, I,don’t eat or like tomato based sauces. Any other suggestions?

[i-did-it]

Lol – Monica
How about milk and cornflour and make white sauces with garlic or other herbs – you can probably tell I am not much of a cook! Or nice flavoured oils – a tiny drop on pasta .

There must be some people out there who can advise .

[finding_laura]

Good evening Monica. My cooking skills are atrocious! Do you like good hearty home made stews and soups? If you don’t care much for tomato based foods then I’m guessing you don’t care for chili or lasagna. Make a list of some of your favourite dishes and then google cooking them on a budget. Freeze leftovers if any. Try and pick up some apples and bananas as they seem to be one of the cheaper fruits. Oatmeal packets can always fill a hole and tend to be cheap comfort food. All of this is of course when you get your next funds for groceries, hopefully another child will have a „feeling“.

Support wanes based on crisis level and what people have going on in their lives. And of course when talking about gamblers there are those that wade back into the chaos fairly quickly. Then there are moods. Not in the mood to give advice, not in the mood to receive advice, not in the mood to do anything!

And you are stuck my friend in the super sucking quick sand. If we could pull you out we would. All I can do is offer you encouragement to get through this. A job is going to come. But you need to be able to take it. Sustenance is getting to be top of mind! So make a plan. Ask for help. Don’t just fade away in bed. I was glad to hear little hits of interest in your post. The Olympics. Much better way to pass the time than American politics! I should have followed your example.

197 hard days clean. Sometimes people who aren’t gambling addicts have breaks in their employment due to various reasons in the economy. Sometimes they have a cushion and sometimes they don’t because they are shopping addicts or have always lived above their means, cars trips etc. This period of time, without a job, and without the cushion that gambling stole from you, has been tough. No one can can ever say you didn’t suffer from this addiction and the effects. You’ve paid dearly for this. You may feel like you can’t promise to new comers that things will get better when they stop gambling. But what would have happened if you kept gambling? Any pittance you could get? Maybe you wouldn’t have even started dealing with your issues. Maybe you’d be homeless and a criminal. So we can usually promise that continuing to gamble will only make things worse. I’m happy for you and that you have made it 197 days Monica. You weren’t making things worse. You have a real address to put on job applications. You aren’t in jail. When an offer comes (and it will) you can take it.

I also think part of being successful in recovery is having new habits and a new way of spending time that you can maintain when you are no longer broke. Walks, reading, inspirational programs, crossword puzzles, puzzles, anything but gambling. So having 197 days of non gambling time in, is great in that department. You’ve spent your time doing something besides gambling.

Long post, sorry to ramble. But you are in a much better place than you would be if you had kept going. And who knows what another 197 days will bring. Pete gone, your son there to share expenses and contribute to the the groceries, and a big open question mark. Congratulations on your clean time. We can all pray that the best is yet to come.

Laura

[Jonny123987]

Great work Monicau! Proud of you.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Can I ask – if you have recently turned 60 does that not entitle you to a free bus pass – or do I live in a much better part of the world ? That would give you such a lift – you travel the country for free ! Just think once the good weather comes that means libraries , free art galleries and museums – beautiful parks and gardens . You could even take a sandwich and head off to explore a little village .

I hope you are having a good day and have eaten !

It’s good that you watch tv you can learn from. I watch mindless escapism stuff (sound familiar lol?) – I am totally addicted to homelands at the moment -it’s kinda like gambling. – I have to watch every episode of every series and then when I get to the end I wonder why I spent so much time on it .

[i-did-it]

Monica ,
I think you live in the London Borough .
I have googled and there are lots of transport things which may apply to you- from the over 60s Oyster card , disability bus pass (think you said you are currently on disability – it might be worth dropping into citizens advice to check .

[Monica1]

Thanks for the post. Not been posting as finding things too hard.
Had to cancel my interview because too hazardous to travel today.
Yes, I am entitled to a freedom pass. Knew about this but it costs 20 quid which I don’t have.

[kin]

My thought is with you, it pains me knowing what you are going thru.
Here in Singapore, from time to time, I would meet new broken recovering person who are homeless and jobless. I have forgotten about them completely but I remember their faces as I write now. I may have needed the money I had when we meet but I thought they needed it more and shared what I had with them. Hope it has help and bless them.
I have known another who was doing well in recovery for more than 10 years, he was a trusted friend. He got married, bought a new house and had a new baby. Sometime life is cruel. Just when I thought his life has improved, his whole world came crumbling down when he was told he had HIV aids. Today his wife has passed on leaving him with the baby and he have also lost his job and house.
Dear sis Monica, we are not alone in our struggle on this bumpy recovery road.
I pray that you receive the blessing of wisdom and strength from our God, Jesus Christ to deal with the trial and temptation you are facing now. Amen.

From the other side on this planet.

With love,
Kin

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Hope my post about the bus pass wasn’t annoying.
Here you turn 60, you apply and you get it .

I’m sorry you had to cancel interview – will they give you another date ?
As Kin has written life is unfair – some people always seem to land on their feet-others have harder paths .
I really hope you are doing ok .

[Monica1]

Hi both,
Kin, thank you for your post. As you say many times, we are broken vessels, something I have just said to my son who sent me a text at 2.20am saying help me. I really believe that and that we can redeemed through the grace of the lord.
Idi, of course it wasn’t annoying.
Was grateful to have a phone interview today because of the dreadful weather. It went ok.
Went out for a short while for a walk,but it is so bitterly cold that I hurriedly came back. Waited for my gma counselling session before going to sleep. The session was helpful, the focus was very much on the same as the previous week.
Back to the text, my son ended his,relationship with his girlfriend and was self medicating with alcohol, cocaine and Xanax. In his heart he loves her but his head says it is wrong for him. I understand this dilemma all too well, I felt,that way about Pete in the past, where there is a deep connection between two people that is hard to understand and feeling bereft when it isn’t there, but the head says it is wrong, I was very concerned that he had not taken too much and he said that he was ok, it was an attempt,to self medicate his pain and not end it.
I asked him to call me in the morning that he was Ok and that he was very precious to me.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau, I hope your Son is alright. It’s hard when your head says one thing and your heart says another. I self medicated with gambling but it could have been alcohol or drugs. I realize that now. It sounds like you had a busy day! I hope a opportunity comes from your interview. Take care.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
I hope everything is ok with your son.
Children cause us so much worry- it never ends no matter what age they are .
Write an update please and let us know how things are

[Monica1]

Yes, he is ok ty, sent me a text saying sorry for unsettling me. I said we need to talk about his self medication.
Well, the stunningly good news is that I have been offered the job and accepted it. It is away from home. I am taking this one step at a time. It scares me a little. It is a couple of grades lower than I would normally do but it doesn’t matter. The pay is only a bit less than I used to earn. I am hoping I am seeing the end to these awful past six months and give thanks for God for helping me with this.

[lizbeth4]

I’m glad your Son is alright. Congratulations on your new job! What great news! A new job, a new start. I’m so excited for You! Take care.

[i-did-it]

Wow, what absolutely amazing news Monica.
Imagine that good wage without gambling –
You will get in your feet and never look back.
So pleased for you .
Also you will be back out in the world meeting people and having a purpose .
Look forward to meeting you in group to hear all about it .
Xx

[velvet]

HI Monica
I didn’t know what to feel when I read your post on Laura’s thread – pleased that you would think that a post from me could make a difference and sad that you felt overlooked.
I read your whole thread through the other day before I read your post to Laura and it contained so many strands of thought in it that I was bowled over.
This is just one thought I had as a result of reading your thread. Gam-anon uses the same 12 steps as GA except for a slight difference in the wording of the first step so I understand why you resent their implication because I did too. This site wasn’t offering much support to F&F when I needed it but Gam-Anon changed my world and I found working the 12 steps was a good starting block for my recovery. It is interesting to me that my Gam-Anon was mainly matriarchal and the odd male that came in was always very different to the female in what they were prepared to do to improve their own life and relationship. I remember that the Gam-Anon females were not as gentle towards the male as they were with each other but the opposite was true when we were invited in to GA for open evenings. There is more to this male/female divide with the addiction to gamble methinks, than meets the eye!
In the hope that I can give you a little of what you gave me when I read your thread I offer the following. You were considering moving to Kent and I wondered if you have had further thoughts on this. I moved away from the place where I had been unhappy and it was the best thing I ever did – there are no bad memories around me now. It is important, I believe, to face your demons before you move, however, so that they don’t move with you. With that in mind I know you are working your way through the GMA programme and I hope it is all going well for you – I look forward to hearing your progress.
Your positive attitude and readiness to look forward means, I am sure, that GMA have a determined lady working the programme. You have said a few times that you were not feeling better for being gamble-free but this takes time. You had already planted the seed of recovery before you went on the project; GMA will nurture that seed and help it to grow strong but blossoming comes later so please be patient until you can reap your reward.
There are so many new unexplored opportunities in life for you, opportunities that perhaps have previously passed you by. It is fantastic that you now have a job. You deserve a good life and I hope you grab it with both hands.
Velvet

[finding_laura]

Oh my god Monica I am over the moon for you! The pay sounds good and maybe there won’t be quite as much responsibility as you are used to. Could be a good thing while you finish out your GMA counseling and try and rebuild your strength. Please do some nice things to pamper yourself as soon as you get the chance.
I just read your post about your son and his girlfriend. That must have been a very scary phone call and I’m sure you are always a little worried about him. Hopefully he gets things under control.
You are almost through the dry spell Monica. The timing is good. Before you started GMA and you might have had to make a choice between therapy and a job. Now you will have both.
I’m going to try and get into the afternoon group now. Hoping it works this time! Couldn’t get in last night.

Huggssss Monica, I am just soooooo happyyyyy for you 🙂

Laura

[Monica1]

Thanks so much velvet for posting on my thread. Unexpected and welcome. And yes, I need to move.

[i-did-it]

I went and got a laptop – (dangerous I know ) and there doesn’t seem to be any way you can access your account to change your detail.
Let me know

[Dunc]

Hi Monica

Im really pleased were rectified your group access issues. 

Ive also ammended the support group page https://www.gamblingtherapy.org/en/support-groups

Ive also added 2 new PTP Open groups. 23:00 Tuesday and Thursday

I welcome your feedback on the support group page

Kind Regards

Harry

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica,

Our anonymity is very important to us when we are sharing as much as we do. I checked today and only your user name and language shows when i click on your id so i’m glad whatever the issue was it has been resolved. Nothing can be more nerve racking than thinking your life is on display. I’ve always been the more paranoid type, coming from a small community. I’ve never used names in my thread for that reason.
Do other recovering addicts feel shame for their past addiction I wonder? Probably some for sure. I no longer feel shame, I understand it was an addiction. But my faith in others making that connection is not so great! Here yes, people understand. In the big wide world not so much.

So I’m sorry this scare has marred your joy at being offered a decent job! Yahoooooo! You mention this last six months of hell. Some of the feelings will fade fast! You’ll maybe forget some of the hell pretty quickly. Time will pass and you will rebuild a healthy life. You will be able to talk about things getting better xo.

So I’m so glad that you didn’t give in to the temptation, urges or pressure yesterday. You are going to start making financial improvements. No time for digging the hole deeper. The stress has probably been a trigger. I hope you can stay and that we will hook up in group again someday.

I’m feeling better but healing at the same time. I’m weak from the bad shape I was in for so long. We have to work on that as I continue to heal from surgery. It will be probably 3 to 6 months of rehab before I can even think about going back to work. But at least I’m thinking about it.

Have a good day Monica. Hang in there!

Laura

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