„There is a steep price to pay for addiction. You may put on or lose weight, experience health problems, lose a lot of money, and destroy relationships. But your reasoning may be that nothing made you feel happy in the past anyway, and, at least for a short time, your addiction does“. This just popped up in something I was reading and I couldn’t help but feel that last sentence so deeply. Literally nothing was making me happy anymore when I started gambling. Even though my times were brief with it they were insanely destructive. The moment I was hooked for the first 2 weeks when I couldn’t stop it was the only thing that made me literally feel anything. And again the same thing when I gambled for 2 months straight last year I was so fd up emotionally and wanted to not be here anymore that gambling was the only thing that made me feel anything at all. That’s why I got so hooked I don’t even think I felt happy per say gambling I just felt high as a kite which at that time was better than the feelings of pain and internal emotional suffering that was going on for me. I told my counselor that I think I would of honestly offed myself if I hadn’t been gambling for those 2 months it may have sickly saved my life but it also destroyed what life I did have at the same time. The hardest part for me is I did seek professional help but I had an extremely bad psychologist who dismissed me. She just wanted her 90 bucks a session but she was unwilling to help me with my trauma. I still dont understand why. But not my problem to think about now. The fact that I was trying to get help tells me something inside of me was still fighting. The problem was the addiction got to strong and overtook what little willpower I had left. The last day I gambled I sat inside a bathroom on the floor of my exs sisters house contemplating drowning myself in the bathtub. The only thing that saved me in that moment was the little girls(exs neices) in the house were yelling my name to come play with them they opened the door and my dog came running in licking my face. Those kids and dog saved my life that day. That moment changed me for good. Seeing those kids so innocent and happy to want to play and my dog running to me like I was his everything made me pick my ass up and realize I had to keep fighting for myself. Yes I lost my relationship but it was doomed already so it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I’m getting a second chance at life. I’ve made a promise to myself that I deserve good things and I deserve a happy life so I gotta put that work in to make it happen.
