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Dear San

Certainly not the best Saturday for you – so I hope this female cyber friend will help a bit.

Siblings do not always cope well. They have a conflict of interest. The can think they understand their siblings better than the parent. In reality they often do not ever understand what is going on and why their parent appears absent in thought to them. If the parent takes their eye off the ball, the sibling can feel rejected, unloved, used and angry – they can resent the CG more and be less and less willing to understand. You can be lured into a false sense of security believing their shoulders are big enough but they are not and I don’t think it is their fault.

Do you have a brother or sister?

You know I can’t tell you what to do but based on experience it might be better not to mention the CG to the sibling unless the sibling raises the subject or appears to be being manipulated. I can/will say a lot more about this in a group.

Marriages/partnerships struggle with the addiction of a child and the addicted child will be completely unaware. The addiction is divisive and rips people apart. I would imagine you tried to talk to your partner about all the stuff that was whirling round in your head and he had, had a belly-full.

I have found that in most cases there is one person in a family who takes the brunt of the addiction, not just from the CG but from all those around. I don’t mean this as literally as it sounds but provided one person in ‘dealing’ with the mess the others sit back a bit and let them get on with it. When the person the addiction is targeting seeks a shoulder to cry on the support melts away and other hidden feelings come into play. They want ‘their’ lives to be free of addiction. I think that many husbands/partners/siblins can feel they have let their wife/partner/siblings down because they cannot protect them and instead of giving the necessary support there can be angry words and blame. More blame on top of the blame already being heaped up by the CG leads to cracking point. That is why I think it would help if you could get some therapy – you need to talk to someone who can listen and support without judgement or blame.

I can’t remember if you have a Gamanon or not – my vague memory says you don’t have one. That was my refuge.

The tough message, I believe, is that your partner and your daughter want you free of this worry. They are suffering in their own way that they cannot have you as they want you. You said you cleared your head by the lake – did this happen in fact because if it did – use it as a place of safety but tell your partner where you are going. Don’t cut him out and leave him more worried because in his own way his worries are probably different but equal.

I have pulled a ligament in my foot and as such I am unable to leap about much today. I will watch the screen at intervals and be here for you.

I want to say to you that it would be terrific if you could determine that this Saturday is the last one that will be ruined by the addiction. Your son is harassing your partner, I believe, through facebook. I don’t understand facebook but can he close down your son’s ability to harass him. Maybe he could say ‘if you want to talk about anything other then money or threats this line of communication stays open – if not I will close it down’. He will have to do it if the threats and manipulation don’t stop.

Your partner is important to ‘your’ health San. I know how far this addiction can push us to lose that which is precious to us – perhaps you could let him know that you don’t ‘need’ him to be in the line of fire.

Talk to me until you can find a physical person to talk to. I am going to get a coffee but I will check back soon.