I would like to find a job that is at least bearable to go to but no one seems to be hiring. My last experience had been traumatizing, barely anyone talked to me and I hardly have an idea as to why. I suppose it was due to my narcisstic co-worker hating my guts the moment she saw me and she seemed to be running the place.
That’s one thing that makes me anxious and mad. I have a large circle of friends and bond well with them but the minute I enter an unfamiliar group, the toxic person there hates my guts and starts the backstabbing.
Then there is the boss that doesn’t talk to me at all. No “Good morning”, “Merry Christmas”, no feedback. I just don’t get it. Then I’m lost as to weather approach him or stay out of his way.
That’s another thing that gets me anxious, I have no idea how to navigate such relationships.
I am a person of the old world, where a handshake and my word means something.
So that’s another thing that makes me anxious, I just don’t fit in.
Needless to say I quit that job.
Before that I had a relatively successful career in one corporate firm for 17 years, and as long as I carried the amount of work pertaining to 3 people and was able to put up with the harassment, I sustained it.
Then my mother got sick with Alzheimer’s and my father started drinking and abusing her more than he had ever abused her (and he was abusive all his life, controlling and a ticking time bomb) until I couldn’t stand watching anymore so I quit my job partly to take care of her in full, partly because my gambling had spiralled so out of control I was giving every paycheck to the casinos.
Both died a month and a half later. First my mother, then my father the morning of her funeral. I often think how he wouldn’t let himself rest before he destroyed her and me in the process. I don’t think he let her have the day of her funeral for herself.
The worst part is I loved him. It makes me mad as hell.
Then my egoistical estranged sibling came in for her share of the inheritance, leaving me to cover all the costs of their deaths (funerals and residue bills) myself. She spent her money on a lawyer to go after their estates which I hold half of, hence to go after me.
That’s another thing that makes me angry and bitter and anxious: I was so loyal. God doesn’t reward people like me and neither does the casino.
Then there is the thing about no one around me needing to work, my sister spends her time at the pool while her husband works morning to night, my mother was retired early and my father was the provider, my cousin works from home but I don’t see him working ever. He sleeps till noon and spends his day thinking about his meals, while I was overworked and burdened with responsabilities far greater than I could handle. That makes me angry and anxious too because I have no idea how to set my life in such a way.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in 15 years, and I’m not a bad looking woman and I’m not a drama queen, so there must be something terribly wrong with me, I just don’t understand it.
Basically, I’m a mess and I wouldn’t know how to meditate.
I would also like to be born again into a family that is supportive and cares for me, not to be their solely for their needs.
I would also like to be told I’m worthy and not that I wouldn’t amount to anything, which I haven’t.
I’m truly a mess. I’m really really sorry.