[andrea6054]

Well, well, well!
Literally. ..”well”!! This is the first time I’ve actually felt anywhere near “well” for a long, long, time! Both mentally and physically.
This day last week I was in the darkest, deepest, depths of despair, suicidal and ready to end it all having gambled most of my life away….I really was, I had it all planned. There was no future that I could see and I didn’t want to live with the vice that gambling was, squeezing the life out of me, it had already killed my soul. There was nothing left. Absolutely nothing.
And then something miraculous happened!
I spent four days in residential care in the Gordon Moody Association.
The day I was going to kill myself I came on here and spoke to Harry on live help. He helped me through that morning and, in fact, most of the day. Little do you know it, Harry, but if it weren’t for you that day. ..well. …It just doesn’t bear thinking about. You played a massive part in saving my life and you need to know how truly grateful I am. If it weren’t for you there wouldn’t be a “me” here today. ..and that’s the truth.
Like I say, last Sunday I was preparing myself to go in for four days residential treatment. I was scared, nervous, depressed, broke, suicidal, the whole lot. I will be totally honest here and tell you that although I was so grateful to have been offered the place on the residential course but yet I knew how far gone I was and held out little hope of any sort of recovery.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
And I am here to tell the tale. I am “living” proof that the wonderful work that the GMA residential programme actually works!!
When I arrived after a rather harrowing train journey, I was like a rabbit caught in the headlights. I didn’t really care if I lived or died. I really, really didn’t.
It didn’t look like I was the only one either! Which, in itself, was the beginning of the end. The beginning of the end of being a lonely, secretive gambler of the female variety. From that point on, the floodgates were opened, and the relief started to pour in, and the secret shame started to leak away. It was so therapeutic in itself to talk to other women who were in the same position or worse. The first night a couple of us were up until three in the morning letting it all out. And the next night, and the next! All of us telling tales of the things we’d done, the depths we’d sank to, the people we’d hurt and lied to, the financial mess we’d found ourselves in. Things we’d all been bottling up for years. None of us were shocked, and none of us were judged. It was total freedom to speak without watching every word that came out of your mouth, because you’d become such a liar. And we laughed! My God, some of us laughed like we’d never done before! We’d forgotten how to!
It was a beautiful place, with beautiful people.
But, that was only part of it. I cannot stress enough, and I really mean it, how wonderfully eye opening, enlightening and life changing the therapy was. And that’s down to Liz, Ruth and Jane. Three of the most inspiring women on the planet. Each of them understood exactly what we were going through. And I could not have wished for any better people to have come into my life.
I’m not going to go into the ins and outs of the therapy side of it, but I’ll tell you this, these people know what they’re doing and it works! ! They truly are life savers and changers.
At the end of the four days I knew I was a changed person, I also knew I had made friends that I will keep for the rest of my life. Firm friends. But I was still nervous about going home and being on my own. Not because I wanted to gamble, but because I knew I would miss that sense of security and bonding and I knew I would miss it.
So I’ve got twelve weeks of work to do at home. The thoughts of gambling now are still creeping in, but they make me feel sick. I’m real fidgety, noises seem louder, and there’s the flashbacks to darker days. ..withdrawal symptoms, no doubt.
And that’s the whole point.
I’ve won the Jackpot. I’ve won my life.
Withdrawal is pending.
I’m not going to reverse it and lose it all this time.
I cannot thank the GMA enough.

[icandothis]

That was such a wonderful post. So happy for you. I smiled when you described the bond and friendships you had with the other women. How special. I have a group of women friends I go away with each year. We laugh and cry until wee hours of the night, too. But I never tell them about my gambling problem. Something I just keep to myself. Keep posting. I know it won’t be easy now that you are home. But, I also know that you can do this! Glad you found the help you needed when you needed it the most!

[andrea6054]

Thank you so much! Yes. ..It will be a struggle, I know that. I know I said something miraculous happened, and it did. The miracle being that I can now see the light. It won’t be easy. …I mean, I only left there on Thursday, so this is really only day 3 since I left rehab, but it’s day 3 of a new life. A couple of us who have been talking on the phone since we got back have said it’s like waking up in a different world to that what we left behind.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still hiding from people I owe money to, the cupboards aren’t full of food yet, the pile of unopened letters is still exactly that, but I am different. It doesn’t all seem so insurmountable now. I know I can do it. And I have to believe I can.
Going into rehab was a life changing experience. I discovered a lot about myself, why I did it, how I was slowly tricked into being a slave to it, and it was sometimes quite emotional and tough. But by day four the muggy, murky mess that was in my brain had cleared and I could start to see a future.
My previous thread was entitled Salvation. It was something I never thought I’d get.
Thanks to GMA and Liz, Ruth and Jane, also Amy who organised my itinerary so professionally, and Harry who was there for me on day one, I have had salvation. The above mentioned are true “savers” of lives.

[micky]

Hi Andrea so pleased for you 🙂 You sound like a different person you HAVE found your salvation 🙂 But don’t forget YOU did it YOU 🙂

[vera]

“When I change, everything changes”.

As you say Andrea, the bills will still have to be paid, the food cupboards filled, the feelings of regret, anxiety and shame for what has been done will still linger and will have to be dealt with. No magic wand will be supplied but the way you look on all those things from now on will be different. Everything fell into place for you just when you needed the bit of hurdle help. Well done on grasping the Lifeline. We don’t always get a second chance.
I agree with Micky. YOU did it Andrea! You really did!
Stay in touch with your new friends. I’m sure there is a special bond between you that will never fade.

[Liberty]

I am glad that you are feeling so much better and now feel strong enough to start addressing all the problems that gambling has caused in your life, I like you have a lot of debt and can identify with the unopened mail, it took me many months to be able to do that, once you make a start it does get easier.
Andrea, the last thing I want to do is cause you any upset but I do have to say I absolutely detest the thread title it has made me feel very uncomfortable, my addiction has been saying jackpot jackpot , I know that is not what kind of jackpot you mean, yours is the recovery side, I guess it’s just me.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us all, onwards and upwards.

[andrea6054]

I know! I detested it myself. …but you know what? I’m trying to disassociate myself from any words like that to gambling, if that makes sense?
I thought it would be a bit controversial, and probably very selfish of me to use it for my own purposes, but I was thinking the other day. ..how many times do I hear the phrase “I bet”?
My friends and family all constantly say things like bet it’s going to rain, or bet you won’t ring, or bet you won’t this, or that. My standard answer used to be. ..bet I will!
Now, another phrase I hear often is “what’s the odds on that? “! Or the word “lucky” even. All these everyday words which I used to associate with gambling, I want to fade into words of non meaning ….even jackpot …believe me I’ve been chasing the wrong one for years!

[p]

That is so wonderful to hear your progress through GMA.. well done in the first place for getting that help. What a wonderful thing that you did to help yourself. I find GA meetings like that too.. you can openly say what you want without being judged and there is an understanding in those rooms that is very hard to find elsewhere. So good you have gone through this therapy with GMA you are lucky to have their insights.. what do you think is the thing that helped you the most.. what clicked.. if you dont mind me asking i love to always ask this question to people what helped them the most in their journey.. what helped me the most was the support i have here and elsewhere after reaching a very painful rockbottom. Hope you keep posting and sharing your journey

P

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