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    • #12698

      It was hard to do anything today. So much regrets. So much running through my head. I didn’t want to get up, but I couldn’t sleep either. I didn’t want to go to work, but I have to if I want to dig myself out of this misery hole. I dragged myself to work and now I am back. I made it (work nights at a casino)! I survived.
      I am a bit calmer now. My heart isnt racing as much. My mind is calmer too. I’m still upset and beating myself over what I’ve done, but I’m accepting it and feeling a bit better.
      I’ve had players upset because they couldn’t win. I had nothing to say, except I wished they’d win, but that’s just life. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. That’s gambling. I wanted to tell them to not take it out on me. I’ve lost all my funds the night before, yet I’m dragging myself to work trying to make the best of it. Watching the players highs and lows with winning and losing reminded me of myself. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t cuss and pout when I don’t win, I just don’t have that personality in me to do so, but I do feel all they feel. Hopelessness and upset.
      I watch my coworkers and wonder how they can afford such nice cars and lives, and I remember, they don’t gamble! Not like me… I have to remind myself of the lifestyle I want. I need to have something to look forward to. I need to idolize my peers. I need goals. One day at a time, right? My first one would just to be to get through the work week until the next pay day, 2 more weeks! Then bills time! No gambling!-Lully L.

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