[theone12221]

Hi everyone,

My name is Steven and I’ve been a long-time lurker on these forums for well over a year. I feel like it is finally my time to make a serious, “official” commitment to quitting gambling in the form of this diary.

I’m usually someone who writes A LOT but since it’s past 1am here in Australia and I have work in about 6 hours I’ll keep it brief for now. I’m sure I’ll fill in the gaps a bit later.

I’m a 27 year old male who has been working full time in the banking industry for over 2 years. I first got exposed to gambling during uni as my dad is an avid poker player/sports better. Funnily enough he has extremely good self-control and discipline which is something I definitely lack, especially when it comes to gambling. At that time I’d play a bit at my local casino every now and then but ended up losing 5-6k. This was a lot as I was a student back then and I should have known that this was the beginnings of a big problem. I actually stopped gambling for around 2-3 years, saved alot of money, and wih the help of my parents, took out a mortgage with 20% deposit to buy an apartment in the heart of my city which is extremely close to my work. This was my first time living alone and I felt very proud of myself.

However, around March last year was when I started getting into serious gambling. Feeling a tad bored and lonely I opened a poker betting account online. Lost $500. A bit of chasing and I’d lost $3600. This was a huge blow to me as I had worked very hard to save around $20k in my first few years of work after getting the mortgage. I ended up chasing this back at my local casino through roulette. Long story short I ended up having a massive online gambling issue, playing everything from blackjack (my main poison) to roulette to even sports betting. I ended up losing 20k, taking out a personal loan for 20k and losing that too. I ended up taking out payday loans just to cover my expenses, something I had never in a million years thought I’d ever have to do. What happens next is the crazy part, I won back this 40k not once, but on THREE separate occasions (yes i was so stupid as to win it back twice only to lose it back again, once in 40 mins on online blackjack). After my 3rd time lucky I finally found the will to self-exclude from all land/online casinos I use and also downloaded blocking software.

I was clean for 6 months. I was actually even money after my ridiculous binge (5-6k down if you count my uni year losses) and I felt damn lucky to even be there and thought I’d be given a second chance (or 4th) NOT to try to ruin my life again once and for all. Around 2 weeks ago I was off on a trip with my girlfriend to another city and we had a fight on the trip…I ended up losing 1.9k in a matter of 20 min at the casino as I was not self excluded in this city. I was mortified. It was a much lesser amount than I have lost in a session in the past but being clean for so long made me have that sickening feeling in my stomach again and I was as disgusted with the financial loss as I was for falling back into something I thought I’d overcome forever. Yesterday (just a few hours ago here) I ended up losing another $250 on a poker site (new). I have since self-excluded. I had reinstalled windows on my laptop to bypass my anti-gambling software (first time since I installed it for a fee last September). I now realize that it’s now or never. This is a battle for the future of my life and I must STOP forever now before I get back into the depths of gambling and hit rock bottom once and for all. My parents have worked their asses off for me all my life and I need to do this for them and for my own sake. Gambling negatively impacts me in all areas of my life and I have almost lost my current relationship due to the stress it has caused me.

I hope that writing this journal and updating it regularly will invoke a commitment in myself that I really need. Instead of taking it day by day I will endeavour to stay true to my commitment and share all of my thoughts, whether positive or negative with you here. I’ve been inspired by some of the long-term diaries on here and hope one day to also be a source of inspiration for people looking to quit gambling forever but are struggling.

Looks like I couldn’t keep it that brief aftet all!

Anyways, one step at a time.

This is my Day 1, and I hope it will be my last day 1.

[Dunc]

<

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[theone12221]

Day 1 is almost over. Self-excluded from over 10 online casino sites that I had used in the past or were aware of (some proactive self-exclusions). I literally now do not know any websites or casinos online or land based of which I am not self-excluded from. Feeling confident that I can stay on track this time. Paycheck also hit my account and got about $475 extra from overtime over the last 2 weeks. Helps to ease the financial burden of the recent relapses a bit.

Hope everyone is doing well. Bring on day 2!

[HopefulQuitter]

Now keep it going into Day 2!

I’m at three days and I am feeling great!

[theone12221]

Thanks mate, gone through day 2 without any temptations. Confirmed my ongoing self-exclusion with a few more websites. Also making a commitment to go back to gym regularly again and to put in more effort at work.

Definitely gets easier as time goes on.

[theone12221]

Got through the day well. No gambling related thoughts except finalizing a few self-exclusions with some websites which required me to sign a form authorising a 5 year ban on my accounts.

Feeling positive at work, have decided to put in more effort to lift my performance and have also made a plan to start hitting the gym regularly again and get back into good shape.

I often find that I become extremely tight with money after losing it gambling and start “over-saving” – I’ve decided to just relax my mind on this. Just live normally, spend the money where it needs to be spent but also keep up the good savings habits. One day at a time.

[theone12221]

3 days in and feeling on the rise again. Started gym again yesterday after a 2 month hiatus. Also was more productive at work yesterday and particularly today, and I’m hoping it’ll all build towards a bigger bonus around the middle of the year. No thoughts of gambling at all and after reviewing my savings plan (for mid year), I’m on track to hit my savings target 4-5 weeks early! Might use the extra funds to spoil myself a bit.

[vera]

Glad to see you’re making progress, Steven.
Just be careful of “targets” and “bonuses”. They can be death traps for a CG. I had a few mishaps on such occasions. Even though I was planning to do the exact opposite, Mr Addiction had other plans which left me annihilated.
I’m presently restoring a “Fund” which vanished into cyber space last March. What I threw away in a week , will take 30 months to restore. It’s in an account I can’t touch.
Paying back a ten year debt , also that wouldn’t have existed if I had used the bag of tools, I was given when I joined this site in 2008…….Don’t mean to dash your hopes, Steven, but keep it simple.
I enjoy reading your input on other threads!
Just for today, I will not gamble!

[theone12221]

Hey Vera, thanks for the advice. You are correct, targets and monetary amounts that go through my mind have caused relapses in the past. By nature I have a very analytical mind and I definitely think gambling has made me 10x more “calculative” in this regard. I’m definitely working on easing myself on my goals and just living a normal life, whilst still working at saving of course but not to the point that it negatively affects my quality of life.

Indeed this is day 4 and just for today I will not gamble.

[Rayman10]

you seem like a very level headed person, even though u lost that 1.9K and 250 , you have self excluded yourself and didnt go berserk like i did when i initially lost 1.5 k a couple days ago and lost close to two paychecks in one hour trying to win back all my losses on that roulette wheel (my main poison). Stay strong buddy and i really do hope its your last day 1 and also the last time i start over as well. you are currently helping me on my thread even though you’re also fighting up with your personal struggle …thanks a lot. remember DONT go back …money doesnt come easily thats just not how life works. later

[theone12221]

Thanks Ray! I’m glad you found my advice helpful. Don’t give up man. I was almost exactly where you were at last year around this time. I’d win a bit, here and there, thinking I’m only going to play small and be happy with a small win. Then I’d get greedy and win a bit more. And a bit more. And finally, I’d start losing as luck will always turn, then in a fit of madness I’ll throw in my entire paycheck and lose it all, leaving me in a financially awkward position and feeling like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. This happened many times. It’s took many relapses, lots of bargaining with myself, lots of self-reflection and learning from my mistakes to finally get to a point where I feel like I have some control over myself even if I do play. Of course my hope is that I will never play again, but let me tell you, don’t let your relapses get you down. Every relapse you’ll learn something about yourself, and you’ll be stronger the next time. It’ll take time but just take it one day at time. You are correct, money doesn’t come easily so why should we throw more away to gambling?

[theone12221]

Feels like it’s been a long time since my last bet but it’s only day 6! I guess this is a good sign as gambling has already retrieved towards the back of mind. Reading this forum however will remain front of mind 🙂

[vera]

Do you really feel you “have some control, even if you do play”?
I would question that theory.
Step 1 in the 12 Step Programme says “I am powerless over gambling”. For me, that means I have NO control when I decide to gamble.
Well done on six G free days (day 7 now, is it?)

[theone12221]

Hey Vera, I definitely do not have control when I play. I guess I should have worded it as I had more “damage control” during my recent relapses. In the past I would have blown way more money. Mostly from pre-emptive deposit limits as well as immediate self-exclusion rather than continuous chasing. I think we can limit the extent of our relapses over time but we will never be able to control our gambling. This is why I hope that I won’t need these damage control methods again as I really am committed to never play again!!! Hope your doing well vera.

[theone12221]

Just passed midnight here down under and so begins my day 9. Still haven’t had any strong urges to play yet thankfully. Been working a lot of overtime recently so just feel a tad tired, but am generally in a positive mind frame. I’ve also stopped obsessively calculating my expenditures/savings daily as I know I’m sticking to a plan and it should put me in good stead if I just keep at it. I want to still be able to spend a bit for myself and I’ve started doing so! Anyways time for bed as I gotta work at 8am tomorrow morning for a long shift.

[vera]

Just read your post about land based casinos, Steven….Where I gambled they knew the CGs very well. I’m sure we were well flagged on camera and here the casinos are privately owned so you get to see the fatcats face to face and they know well who the big spenders are. Even the guys working there made comments to me about my losses. It used to make me sick, but it was one of the things that turned me off going back. I didn’t want to be known as a loser.
Pride saved me!!!
As for the online “antics”, I only tried it last March for the first time and I am still recovering from the shock.
I was wiped out beyond belief.
When I tried (too late) to ban for life they offered me several bonuses….bastards from hell! excuse the language!

[theone12221]

Theres only 1 casino in my city so I saw the regulars there all the time! They knew me as that “crazy gambler” who would bet huge amounts. They probably thought I was some kid with rich parents but little did they know I was actually gambling with almost my entire life savings.

Before I found online gambling the most I would lose would be 1-2k here or there. Still crippling at the time but I could deal with it. Finding online gambling early last year completely changed the game and I would be throwing insane amounts of money away in ridiculously short periods of time. It’s like the money wasn’t real. After I had some major swings on online gambling I guess I game desensitized to it and started taking large amounts of cash to the casino to gamble as well. So online gambling actually caused my offline gambling to get out of control as well. Once they also offered me a $500 “bonus” token after having dropped 10k+ that afternoon, thanks online casino!

I work in banking and today I actually deal with a client with massive gambling problems. She was an affluent customer (earns great money with large amounts of lending) but really struggling with all the debt and everyday transactions. I realized that she had recently opened up a few high limit credit cards which she had maxed out in a few months on an online casino I recognized. On some days there’d be so many deposits it would fill the entire page. Even seeing this made me feel that disgusting gambling loss feeling in the pit of my stomach. She was in the process of getting another 30k loan and I fear the worst as to where that money was to go. The issue really is widespread but a taboo topic. I’ve dealt with many clients who were highly intelligent and sociable who you would have no clue would possibly be a gambling addict. The disease can strike anyone and its silent and secretive nature is just so destructive.

Anyways, halfway through day 9 and I will not gamble today.

[theone12221]

Another gamble free day. Had a bit of an argument with my girlfriend today (our relationship has been a bit rocky lately, partially due to my mood swings associated with my recent relapse) however the good news is I did not have any thoughts of using gambling to escape. My previous relapses have all been triggered by either stress, boredom or emotional conflict however I’m glad to say that having experienced many of those triggers recently, I have not had any urges whatsoever. I’ve started performing better at work again and am feeling quite content currently. I feel like I truly am over even the idea of gambling as I no longer associate it with a way of winning money, fun, excitement or even as an escape. Nevertheless I know that I must never let my guard down.

[Steven187]

Read through your journal today and a lot of your experiences are very similar to my own. Cheers for posting on mine.
I’m in my mid thirties, used to gamble occasionally on games of football and started to gamble in a harmful way in Sep last year. I was £25000 up. Now at the stage where I’ve lost that, another £25000 in savings and now have around £20,000 debt on credit cards loans. I would go through a cycle of being up and then losing and chasing my losses. I haven’t gambled for a week, but this is more down to not having funds more than anything else. I definitely experienced the money not being ‘real’. It’s def real when you are paying off credit cards though!
Just wanted to say all the best.

[theone12221]

Hey Steven, thanks! We are all in the same battle together. Being up at one stage also caused me to see gambling in a skewed way. I had got 10k down at one stage and had a massive surge where I got up to 10-15k in profit. Did I stop? Well we all know the answer to that. That feeling of invincibility was soon gone. That’s the problem for us, we play not to just win, we play because we want to win more. The problem is we just can’t stop. No gambler ever stops when they’re up. Why would they? We all think this is our time to make it big, and through something exciting and with a lot less effort than the daily grind of work. Of course, this is only a temporary illusion as we all know the end result when we just keep on playing and upping the stakes more and more. Like you said, another side effect of this is that we lose meaning for the value of money. I mean I have to justify myself spending a couple of hundred on a fancy restaurant or nice jacket yet I’ll blow 2k on one hand of blackjack or on a game of football. Gambling makes us truly irrational.

[Steven187]

It’s strange, because if you ask me now I realise I couldn’t sustain what I was doing, but when you are caught up in it logic goes out the window. I’m at a stage where I’m going to be fu£ked financially for a number of years and for what?
I have a few thousand coming my way next week, the temptation is to try and make some more through betting, but I realise that isn’t the answer. I’ve self excluded from sites, so hopefully won’t do anything silly.

[theone12221]

Yeah when I was gambling (even when I was winning) at the back of mind I knew that ultimately I’ll run out of luck and lose it all, it was just a matter of time. Yet the addiction made me completely overlook this inevitable eventuality. I was in a state of denial.

Yeah its tough, it’s not like a failed business or investment where we can just say ok we tried but it didn’t work. Gambling losses are so difficult to get over because it’s such a shameful and stupid thing to blow money on. We’ve just handed all our hard earned savings/gone into debt to pay the already fat wallets of a faceless industry that’s designed to capture degenerate gamblers. It’s a tough pill to swallow. But like you said stopping and cutting our losses is the only way to start recovery. What’s done is done. We need to learn and never go back because rock bottom really is an endless pit, we can always go even lower should we continue.

[theone12221]

One thing recovering from gambling has helped me inprove is my perspective in life. Yes we focus on our mistakes of our past. On our losses. On small moments where we regret the actions we took. But in the grand scheme of things and our life, they are but minor road bumps that are easily overcome. Sometimes we get so caught up in our past mistakes and future worries that we forget to actually appreciate the things we take for granted in the present. Appreciate that we are still capable of leading a fulfiling life and making others happy. Gambling makes us lose perspective. It makes us lose ourselves. Only by stopping can we move forward with life and enjoy the little things that it has to offer.

“The greatest thing about hitting rock bottom is, it’s the best place to lay the foundations for the rest of your life.”

[Steven187]

Agreed.
I think it’s also important to remember that being a compulsive gambler/hopefully ex gambler doesn’t define who you are. From a personal view, this time I wasn’t gambling in a destructive way and hadn’t been prior to Sep/Oct last year.
It’s easy to forget that and get caught up in the severity of the situation due to the impact it has. There’s the debt aspect and how it impacts on relationships. Both in a very negative way as you know.

[theone12221]

Indeed! There’s a great deal of stigma around the idea of the “degenerate gambler” and I’ll admit that prior to the peak of my addiction I could not understand why anyone would spend all their time gambling and lose it all? How can one get so low? Now I realize that gambling does not discriminate and can affect people from all walks of life. It’s a very common addiction that lurks in the shadows due to its taboo nature. Too many of us fight against it alone and being a gambler is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. If it was only when I found forums like this that I realized that I was not “crazy” or alone in this battle and being able to relate to others in the same battle helped me a lot during the start of my recovery, and still helps me immensely today.

[theone12221]

Had my first minor thought about gambling just about 15 minutes ago. Thought “hey feeling a bit bored today why don’t I jump on a poker site and play a bit for fun?”. However I quickly realized that I’m self-excluded from literally every reputable online casino available in this country. Secondly I knew it was a trap. The fun/excitement lure of gambling is but an illusion. Sure I could win but I’ll give it all back. When I played it was about 20% fun/winning and 80% stressfulness/mental torture/losing. The addiction tries to make me remember the former which is by far a minority of what gambling actually is. I will not let it trick me again. Going to enjoy the rest of my day with my family.

Edit: have self-excluded from the final remaining website where I wasn’t 100% sure I was still excluded from (because I closed my account a while back and have since moved address). My last 2 relapses were both preventable had I taken preventative action:

1) A sports betting site I wanted to do matched betting on – after contemplating it for weeks I finally gave it and had 3 bets before closing the account. Despite winning here I didn’t feel good about it.

2) A casino in a different city. I had been thinking about playing at the casino there months before my planned trip and if something similar was to happen again in the future I would either book my hotel far from the casino/don’t even go there at all OR self-exclude from there in advance.

I have learnt that we must take PROACTIVE steps to control this addiction.

[theone12221]

All is going well with the no-gambling side of things. Things are quite rocky with the missus and this may be heading for a break up. It’s been a while coming so if it does happen it won’t come as a massive shock. Either way, whatever happens, feel in a much mentally clearer place right now and feel confident that I will not gamble. Worked quite a bit of overtime last week and hopefully will get a nice juicy paycheck on Wednesday to put straight into the mortgage.

[Steven187]

Good to hear on the not gambling front.
I’m still tempted in a way, but not going to give in.

[theone12221]

Not much to report here. Been working a lot. Have not been tempted to gamble much recently. Going to aim for 1 months to start off and go from there.

[Steven187]

I almost caved in today, but the financial risk is too great due to a long list of previous monumental (expensive) **** ups.
Guess it doesn’t matter how we stop, as long as we stop.

[Courage]

Thank you the one

I loved your comment to me. It was nice to have a reply. I think the general theme i am getting is i have to leave the past behind me. It is hard. I am going to move forward i am hoping. Thoughts to gamble have hit but i will keep trying hard to see the way.

Courage

[theone12221]

We can only look forward! Just learn from the past, use it as tool for dealing with our triggers. Don’t dwell on what we’ve lost but rather think of it as a reminder/source of motivation for why we must never gamble ever again.

[theone12221]

Last week really flew by! Time really flies some times. Been struggling boredom a bit over the weekend but ended up spending some quality time with my family and sister. I don’t get to see them too often so it was great.

Feeling more positive now somehow, despite a long and busy week ahead. Hope everyone is going strong. Today I will not gamble!!!

[theone12221]

Had a pretty decent but emotionally draining day today. Things are in a precarious position with the missus and it’s lead to quite a bit of stress and anxiety in the last few days. Luckily all my blockers and self-exclusions are in place and it’s at times like this where I’m really glad I simply have no way of using gambling as an escape. Whilst my brain might not like it in the short term, self-destructive behaviours that help us temporarily escape are always bad for us in the long run. No matter what ups or downs I go through, gambling will no longer be a part of my life!

[theone12221]

A pretty decent day today. A few things at work went my way (discovered we get a free day off for “wellbeing” and an opening has arisen where I may have a chance at a promotion). Work performance also looking solid compared to a month ago. Also made some amends to some strained relationships which are now looking up. Only slight annoyance is it might finally be time for me to finally take out my wisdom teeth. I’ve been holding it off for a while but my dentist always said at some stage I’d probably have to dig ’em out to prevent further problems. Not particularly looking forward to that but you gotta do what you gotta do.

On the gambling front I’m feeling fine. Have had 0 thoughts over the last couple of days. Being busy has helped wih that. Bring on day 23.

[charles]

Hi theone, well done on your gamble free time. Keep posting.

[theone12221]

Thanks Charles. Will do! One day at a time.

[theone12221]

Haven’t posted for a while. Still feeling safe on the gambling front. Almost at the one month mark but I know that this is nothing in the grand scheme of things. My relapses in the past have helped me greatly in dealing with similar triggers and not falling into those traps.

[vera]

One month is brilliant, Steven. Landmarks can be a trap, as you are well aware.
You give great support on this site.
Well done!

[theone12221]

Thanks Vera! I know indeed they can be. I’ve definitely had urges and I accept that those may never go away 100% BUT they are not strong enough to make me succumb to them. I can control them. There is not cure for a CG, but we can keep the addiction in check, dormant for the rest of our lives.

My blockers and mass proactive self-exclusion has done wonders. Whilst I can resist 99% of my urges (which are relatively rare nowadays), just knowing I have these barriers in place gives me a great sense of security and actually motivates me to never gamble again.

[theone12221]

My thought processes are like this currently:

1) Minor urge/trigger : immediately dismiss it

2) Moderate urge/trigger: think about it rationally for a moment, recall all the lessons I’ve learned about gambling –> dismiss it

3) Strong urge/trigger: mentally battle between rational thoughts/actually gambling –> weigh up options/avenues of gambling I have –> realize that I’m self-excluded and banned from every single offline/online gambling facility in my city –> memories associated with the reasons I put those blockers up in the first place kick in –> rational thinking returns to the driver’s seat –> dismiss the urges and feel great knowing that I can overcome even the strongest of triggers and urges to gamble.

[theone12221]

Have a long weekend with 4 days off (Monday public holiday and I have Tuesdays off work currently) – first few days went pretty well, very productive got a lot of things around the house done which I’ve been putting off.

A couple of stress triggers and boredom gave me my strongest urge to gamble since my last relapse 34 days ago. I actually searched for which websites I could play on outside of my country which I had not self-excluded from. I even went as far as creating an account thinking “well I will just self-exclude or I might have a small bet before I do it.” Luckily I self-excluded immediately. I also created an account with another international betting site which I came across during my search and self-excluded proactively from there too. Feels great to follow what I said I’d do – immediate self-exclusion following any urges whatsoever.

The funny thing is after doing this I actually felt a lot better overall about my day (the boredom went away even). Just goes to show that even contemplating gambling and the process of “will I or won’t I” is in itself very scary and stress-inducing. Once I got that out of the way, once I knew that I was strong enough to overcome the urge, all my other stresses disappeared as well. This addiction really does lurk in the shadows and attaches itself (often subconsciously) to everything we do, like a dormant parasite. We must always be on high alert.

The temptations will always be there but with every win I have against the urges, I feel more and more confident in my ability to get through this.

[vera]

It’s all down to awareness.
That’s why I think , under the influence of alcohol, people make wrong judgements and don’t realize it until it’s too late. The “urge” itself, if we give it power can weaken our resolve.
We ONLY become “powerless over gambling” when we succumb to that urge. Until then we remain in control. Managing urges is part of recovery.

[theone12221]

Hi guys,

It is with both sadness and optimism that I report that I have unfortunately had a relapse 3 days ago, losing two $50 sports bets on an account I called up to re-open but had not self-excluded from. As I said previously, despite feeling like I’ve let myself and this forum down (especially with that thread title!) I will always look at the positives and see how I can improve myself moving forward:

1) the amount was very small compared to prior relapses. I told myself that I’d set a deposit limit of $100, if I won my first bet I’d stop. If i lost both bets I’d stop. I did lose the 2 bets (actually a good thing overall) and I didnt deposit more and promptly self-excluded. My relapses have gone from up to 5 figures (a year ago) to 4 figures (few months ago) to 3 figures ($250 and $100 the two most recent);

2) never leave any door open for gambling – i had mentioned before that proactive action when ANY trigger/urge kicks in is paramount for prevention. This was the only site I had closed the account on but not self-excluded. Re-opening it and having a flirt was always in my mind even though my addiction said “don’t worry a closed account is basically a self-excluded one”. Well as with previous situations like this eventually I caved in but luckily the amount was not too damaging. If I ever get notification of a new avenue to gamble – I will self-exclude in advance immediately;

3) I now officially have full self-exclusion going on…not a single venue or website I can name that I can gamble at (and I would never use a small unknown site because I do not trust the operators).

So this is day 3 again and just another lesson learnt which will hopefully strengthen me on this long path to recovery.

[theone12221]

Nothing too much to report on. Signed up for a new health insurance policy which comes with a free $200 eftpos card upfront. Not bad! Have had 0 urges since my slip on wednesday last week. I used to always want to get back into it especially the week after the relapse but for some reason I don’t feel that way this time. I accept what’s done is done and the amount lost is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from this recovery process it’s that perspective is critical for moving on and not dwelling on the past.

[theone12221]

Had a close call today. I’ve got Tuesdays off work and typically get bored Monday night/Tuesday afternoons. This is prime time for those gambling urges to sneak up and say “hey, how about some excitement and possibility of winning some money to lift the boredom?” – well, it almost got me.

I somehow managed to find a very new online gambling site which had just opened up in my country. Did some checks and reviews evaluation and it all checked out (licensing, service quality and fair play). Even had all the responsible gambling tools/self-exclusion tools necessary to “keep in control”. I opened up a “play money” live blackjack table and the display of the game with images of the dealer, the chips and the cards definitely brought back many memories of my binge gambling days.

So off I went and I set my monthly limit to $100 and was SO VERY close to depositing $50 to get into the real money action…but…NO. I thought to myself: “What good could come out of this?” And, my rational brain answered: “Nothing…but a lot of bad can come out of it. Even if I won I wouldn’t feel good about it. But if I lost, I’d feel 10x worse…” I thought about this diary and my commitment to stay gamble free, and how I can’t let myself or the other members on here down again. So I ended up self-excluding permanently from this website.

This is day 6 and I will not succumb to gambling.

[vera]

Well done, Steven
Every time we succumb to gambling our resolve is weakened. That has been my experience.
I “use” those “freeplay” slots occasionally. Every so often they invite you to “Play for Real”, but I have no available funds in my current account so its out of the question. I need to avoid them completely. I actually hate them .
As RG said “its like smoking a cigarette without inhaling”!
I need to remind myself and you too, that
“When you sup with the devil, use a long handled spoon”!

[theone12221]

Yeah yesterday was actually the first time in ages that I opened up a “free-play” demo version on an online casino…I usually don’t like free-play at all because it just doesn’t give me any buzz or excitement. I definitely don’t want to get into the habit of using “fake gambling” or vicarious gambling (eg. through videos or other people) as my “fix”. I will try to avoid any forms of gambling whatsoever (including watching people play on youtube which I used to do sometimes).

Haha I like your quote…yes give me the longest possible spoon so I’ll never have to physically touch that devil again 🙂

[theone12221]

Haven’t had any urges over the last 2 days. Work is quite grueling at the moment but it’s not causing me to get any urges. Instead I’m refocusing my energy on saving and eating healthy. Also looking to sign up for a new gym soon which will help fill up my time.

[Steven187]

Just been catching up on your posts.
From your posts, you are dealing with things in a very logical and pro active way. I wouldn’t worry about the relapses too much either. I experienced a similar thing recently, with far larger amounts sadly.
I think it’s good that you’ve self excluded from most websites. I can relate to the boredom part. You mention the gym etc, why not try to set yourself targets there? Try and get something to take your mind off gambling.
Keep on, keeping on! Sounds like you’re doing pretty well over all.

[theone12221]

Thanks Steven. Yeah you’re right…when I was gymming seriously 2-4 years ago I set myself targets which kept me motivated. I really should do that again now that I’m not in as good shape as I was a year or two back. I think it will definitely be a great way to reduce boredom (I hate the feeling of a day wasted doing nothing productive).

I am definitely a lot more rational and proactive than I was even a few months ago (when I made it to 6 months clean). It takes time definitely but we do eventually get more and more control over ourselves (but never fully in control…which is why blockers will always remain in place). I’m still nowhere near out of the woods yet but I am feeling more confident every day in my ability to control my actions and resist those urges that creep up on us.

[theone12221]

Really feel regret having to post this here but I’m commited to being 100% honest on this diary.

I have managed to gamble again on a new sportsbetting site I found. At this stage I have a $900 pending withdrawal which if I don’t do anything further stupid with will have me at a $50 net loss. Let’s just say if I had not got very lucky with a “final” chase bet I’d be down $1,000. Had I continued chasing if I’d lost that? My brain said no but in the heat of the moment? I really don’t know (I certainly entertained the possibility of doing a 1.5k “final final” chase bet despite my brain screaming “hell no”)…I’m very disappointed and honestly scared at how I was so quickly pulled back into the “chase”…from $10 down to $500 happened so quick…I thought it was “impossible” to lose backing 4 short odd favorites in a row but that was simply the addiction tricking me yet again. I was never really a sports gambler but I guess my brain just likes all forms of gambling (except slot machines/pokies). I must be more diligent.

Anyway once the funds are out I will self-exclude the account and self-exclude from another 2 sites which were from the same source as I found this one.

I always thought casino games were my weakness but it seems sportsbetting has started to take over now that I have no access to online or offline casinos. It’s time to take this seriously and ban myself from all possible avenues in this regard as well. Also will be reinstalling Betfilter as a double back-up.

Will update this in a few days, hopefully after taking rational actions…

Work has actually been great recently and my personal life has been fine…just need to kick this habit once and for all.

[Steven187]

I think you have to be honest with yourself and on here, otherwise there’s no point.
You are taking lots of pro active steps.
I’ve been getting in touch with mates/family when I’ve felt compelled to gamble, doing anything to take my mind off it.
Maybe try that?

[theone12221]

Yeah I’ll definitely keep it real on here. Today I was quite tempted to gamble…however managed to not give in to those temptations.

That’s a good idea thanks. I’ve been trying to keep myself pre-occupied. Trying to make sure I don’t have too much free time to get bored.

Anyway day 1 again and I’ll try to take it one day at a time.

[theone12221]

I’ve been betting small amounts over the last few days. My “logic” for this is that I still have a pending bet (quite a small bet of only $20) on the Italy & Germany game tonight. I know this is still not good regardless of whether I’m winning or not but I have withdrawn my full balance (bar the pending bets of course) and will not make any further bets ever again on this site.

Once my last bet is finalized and I have withdrawn all of my funds…my plan is to self-exclude this account as well as 2 other sites I have not used in the past but recently discovered.

This stint has taught me that:

1) Despite never really dabbling in much sports betting in the past (I preferred more inmediate result games like casino games), it indeed can be quite addictive and things can escalate extremely quickly still;

2) I cannot beat the bookies regardless of how much I analyse the games or follow “expert” tipsters – I recognize that it’s a losing game even if I keep 100% control. Its easy for the brain to think we can beat the house after a good pick but in the end the house always wins in the long term (unless you have insider information or are a genius/have lottery level luck). Yes I ended up barely positive but if luck had been even a tad worse, I’d be staring at a sizable loss;

3) Because of 1 & 2 I will now be proactive against this form of gambling too (I’m already fully self-excluded from all land/online casinos…now I will do so proactively with any remaining online sports bookies I know/will come to know in the future);

4) The only forms of gambling still available to me are sports betting at physical bookies and pokies machines venues…neither I have either touched/had an interest in in the past…and I doubt I ever will. But if I even get an inkling I will self-exclude from those too;

5) Re-install betfilter: despite being almost 100% self-excluded online the added protection can prevent potential relapses to new online betting sites (new ones always pop up) and the gambling advertisement blocks also really help to avoid temptations/finding out about new ones.

6) Most importantly gambling brang temporary excitement/an escape but ultimately overwhelmingly negative feelings: stress, anxiety, loss of focus on other more important matters/daily tasks. It felt bad gambling and in the end I wasted time and energy into something that does absolutelt nothing to improve my life, but has the potential to ruin it. This is something I have realised for a while but now I truly have perspective over.

So to sum up…this is IT…I’m done. I’ve experimented and dabbled in many (TOO many) forms of gambling over the last 18 months and enough is enough. I’ve had enough of gambling. I’ll label 4 July as my Independence Day from gambling (since I still have a bet going through today). This will be my final day 1 and I look forward to moving on with my life. Its time for me to walk the walk and follow the advice I give others…that is, to never touch gambling ever again. I KNOW it can be done and I’m determined that nothing can stop me (yes, looking at you brain) this time. This diary WILL live up to its title, but only I can make that happen.

[kin]

1) EXHAUSTION
Allowing yourself to become overly tired or in poor health.Some compulsive gamblers are also prone to work addictions; perhaps they are in a hurry to pay off debts.Good health, good nutrition and enough rest are important. If you feel good, you are more apt to think well. Feel poorly and your thinking is apt to deteriorate.Feel bad enough and you might begin thinking gambling couldn’t make it any worst.
2) DISHONESTY
This begins with a pattern of unnecessary little lies and deceits with fellow workers, friends and family. Then come important lies to yourself. This is called rationalizing; making excuses for not doing what you do not want to do, or for doing what you know is wrong.
3) IMPATIENCE
Things are not happening fast enough, or others are not doing what they should or what you want them to do.
4) ARGUMENTATIVENESS
Arguing small and ridiculous points of view, indicates a need to always be right. “Why don’t you be reasonable and agree with me?” Looking for an excuse to gamble?
5) DEPRESSION
Unreasonable and unaccountable despair may occur in cycles and should be dealt with, talked about.
6) FRUSTRATION
At people and also because things may not be going your way. Remember, everything is not going to be just the way you want it to be.
7) SELF-PITY
“Why do these things happen to me?” “Why must I have a gambling problem?” “Nobody appreciates what I am doing.” You cannot afford the indulgence of self-pity or resentment.
8) COCKINESS
Got it made; no longer fear relapse. Going into a slippery situation to prove you have no problem. Do this often enough and it will wear down your defenses. Don’t test yourself: there is no payoff.
9) COMPLACENCY
“Gambling was the farthest thing from my mind.” Not gambling was no longer a conscious thought either. It is easy to forget that you have a serious addiction when things are going so well. Always, to have a little fear is a good thing. More relapses occur when things are great than otherwise.
10) EXPECTING TOO MUCH FROM OTHERS
“I’ve changed, why hasn’t everyone else?” It’s a plus if they do, but it is still your problem if they do not.They may not trust you yet; may still be looking for further proof. Trust is rebuilt in increments over time, by being trustworthy.
11) LETTING GO ON DISCIPLINE
Prayer, meditation, daily inventory, GA attendance, financial accountability.This can stem form either complacency or boredom. Yo cannot afford to neglect your recovery program; the cost of relapse is too great.
12) USE OF MOOD-ALTERING CHEMICALS
You may felt the need to ease things with a drink or a drug. You may never have had a problem with alcohol or other substance, but you can easily lose your recovery this way. It’s about the most subtle way to have relapse.
13) WANTING TOO MUCH
Do not set goals you cannot reach with normal effort. You will get what you are entitled to as long as you do your best, but maybe not as soon as you think you should. “Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.
14) FORGETTING GRATITUDE
You may be looking negatively at your life,focusing on problems that are still not totally corrected. It is good to remember where you started from,and appreciate your progress.
15) “IT CAN”T HAPPEN TO ME”
This is dangerous thinking.Relapse can happen to you and is more likely to if you get careless. Remember, you have a chronic disease and your continued recovery is contingent on maintaining a particular mindset.
16) OMNIPOTENCE
This is a feeling that results from a combination of many of the above.You now have all the answers for yourself and others.No one can tell you anything.You ignore suggestions or advice from others.Relapse is probably imminent unless drastic change takes place

[theone12221]

Thanks for the list kin. I can safely say that at least 75% of those factors have caused/contributed to a relapse for me one way or another. Thankfully I do not engage in substance/alcohol abuse as I know this is a highly volatile combination.

I’m finally fully self-excluded now. The “good” thing with my recent relapse(s) was that it was well “controlled” compared to my previous ones. It did not do any substantial financial damage and I felt in control most of the time (eg. Setting limits, walking away, resisting the urge to chase). But on the other hand I was on the brink of falling back to my dangerous “compulsive gambler mode”. I could feel it. In other words I cannot afford another relapse, it is just too dangerous.

Now that I’ve finally fully self-excluded from online sportsbetting as well (my addiction somehow convinced me to make a small “final” wager on the Wimbledon and Euro Cup finals), I’m now more determined than ever to kick this habit for good.

I’m gonna do my best to make it to 2017 gamble free.

[theone12221]

No avenues to gamble; no urges to gamble. Onwards and upwards.

[theone12221]

Still gamble free. No urges so far.

[theone12221]

Time really flies…1 week mark now.

Have had probably 2-3 minor urges during the entire week. Pretty good start given I had gambled for about 2 weeks straight prior (albeit “small ball” gambling). Realized I don’t need gambling to feel excitement/satisfaction in my life.

Looking forward to week 2.

[lizbeth4]

Good going on not gambling! Keep going! Take care!

[vera]

“He who loves the danger, perishes therin!”
Even small bets are lethal for a CG
Like fanning a dying flame in a smouldering forest fire.

[theone12221]

You’re absolutely spot on…a small bet brings with it all the nervousness, anxiety and stress of gambling. Makes me feel guilty for starting something I know I shouldn’t…makes me feel worried that it’ll escalate out of control.

I just realized I no longer get much excitement from gambling any more. I don’t need gambling winnings.

Day 8 and I will not gamble today!

[theone12221]

Feeling good so far…no urges whatsoever, despite the usual boredom/stress triggers that arise every now and then. Things are looking up!

[theone12221]

Still no urges so far. Have rekindled things with my gf as well recently. Am ready to sign up for the new gym which recently opened up across the road. Regardless of where I go in this life, it will not be dictated by gambling.

[theone12221]

Still going strong. I’ll keep posting regularly but I’ll save my longer posts for when I really have some new insight I want to share, or if there’s a major change in circumstances.

[theone12221]

Still going good. Unexpected expenses have always been a typical trigger of mine. But the recent ones have not translated into any tangible urges for me. A step in the right direction.

[theone12221]

Hi guys,

Me right now: “stupid brain, do NOT try that one ever again!”

As it typically does, suddenly got some strong gambling urges this afternoon and literally spent about 2-3 hours going through various online casino/poker/sportsbetting websites. It’s a minor miracle that despite signing up for a few of them I ended up not depositing a single dollar and actually self-excluded from about 7-8 of these websites.

As usual, some recent unexpected expenses (plus a few anticipated near future ones) got my addiction to convince me that if I just won maybe $50-100 it’d offset those. Despite not actually depositing I still felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety (breathlessness, stress etc.) that usually comes with actual gambling. I wasted a good couple of hours just browsing these websites battling myself internally. Luckily, I used all of my willpower and finally turned it into a positive in the end by excluding from a few further new casinos that had recently become available in my country (also confirmed that a few other websites where I had self-excluded from still had my accounts disabled). But damn it was tough and I’m not happy with myself. I’m going to have to adjust my mind-set a little more to ensure this doesn’t happen again but I’m quite tired atm and need some time before I can reflect and learn about these triggers/urges and how to prevent them/fight them off easier next time.

It really makes no sense whatsoever. My savings are looking healthy again. I have no idea what I was hoping to achieve by winning “back” $100 of my relatively minor expenses. I’m literally risking losing 5 figures just to win back a couple of hundred bucks. Ridiculous I know. It doesn’t even make a difference in the grand scheme of things; I don’t need any extra money urgently, nor would winning a few hundred even make me happy (in fact, not playing, has made me 100 times happier than if I played and won say $100…restarting this diary to day 0 again seems like a sickening proposition and would really set me back mentally). I also (only a couple of days ago) promised to my gf, hand on heart, that I would never touch gambling again. Luckily this factor did play a role in me not playing but damn I was close. Felt so bad to think I was so close to breaking that promise, plus the promise to myself and the promise made on this diary. I’m someone who always keeps my word. No more lies or cover ups. I am no longer a gambler and I don’t need to hide anything or feel guilty inside.

If I play again, I risk losing it all, and then going into debt to chase it back. Then hiding it all from my family and gf. That’s the rock bottom gambling inevitably leads to. I can see it happening. I know what it’s like. I was almost there before. I’ve seen it happen to one of my friends and a number of my acquaintances. But I will not let it happen this time. Every time I play I risk losing it all and losing who I am. I will not let that happen.

[vera]

Three things come to mind
1. CGs can’t keep promises (Making promises often acts as a trigger to break them. lol!)
2. “When you sup with the devil , use a long handled spoon”-don’t tempt fate! It ruined me, many a time.
3. Every cloud has a silver. Self excluding was your silver lining today, but it could have ended in a tsunami!

[theone12221]

Hi guys, been away for a while, and wanted to give you guys an update.

I had a relapse in July/August where I went down a slippery slope of a couple of weeks of constant online sports betting. Wasn’t a monumental relapse but still paid a 4 figure price for it.

However, I’m happy to report that I have been clean since my last bet on 15 August…so nearing 4 months (damn time goes fast!). I didn’t feel right posting for a while because I felt ashamed of my actions. As someone who frequently posts advice for other members and to not follow them myself made me feel like a fraud. The title of this diary also made me feel ashamed for breaking my promise.

But I can definitely say that I’m feeling stronger than ever this time. This relapse really brought back all those terrible feelings associated with the gambling life and I had a moment of clarity on that last day I made a bet…that I needed to never bet again and if I can honour that, my life will be so much better.

I didn’t continue risking my savings on that day. I didn’t want to chase any more losses. I still feel the same way today. My urges have been almost non-existent ever since. Every relapse is a lesson learnt, every loss a pain endured to make me mentally stronger. Beating this addiction was way tougher than I (or any new gambler) could ever expect but I know it can be done.

I will continue updating this diary on a semi-regular basis and this time, I am confident that I will not let myself down again.

This is life-long battle…it’s really about a mindset. My blocks/self-exclusions will always be in place but ultimately, defeating this addiction in the long run is about changing my mindset, fixing the underlying causes, improving my life so I have other passions/hobbies to focus on. As a wise member posted on a different forum, fix your life (make it enjoyable/fulfiling) and your addictions will go away naturally. This is about proactive action and controlling one’s mindset. I don’t feel like I will miss gambling again and the prospect of never betting again in itself is so motivating and exciting.

[vera]

Good to see you posting again, Steven.
I agree that we need to change our mindset.
Sometimes that means changing our habits and behaviour first until the brain gets the message.
I often said “Never again”. It was motivating and exciting at the time but the human psyche has a knack of eliminating bad memories and presenting ideas in a new attractive way.
I think that’s why some many CGs fall back into the trap.
New ideas can be appealing and we think “things might be different this time”.
Stay focused.

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