Well my kids got the house,but i can tell you my stress level was so high i was not able to function ,we gave notice to move without really knowing they got it,i was so afraid we were going to be living in a motel .
The min i found out they got it,i burst into tears ,i knew i was in trouble heading for a break down,big time,callled in sick to work earlier cause i just knew i was not well.
This house buying rehashed up alot of ugly old memories of our days when i was loosing our house to gambling,i was froze unable to function.
My emotions were numb,all my senses were on high alert,that is a very very exhausting way to live and be.
And this addiction was comming for me again,not to gamble but to take the debt my sanity still owes.
After i calmed down a bit ,i had to let out this stress so i start a cleaning and sorting frenzy ,for about 3 hours this helped alot,and as i sat to have my coffee ,my addiction just had join me ,my thoughts remembered ,Oh yah even my damage deposit i gave has a gambling memory,you see i lied to a friend to get it ,and she willing gave it to me,took me months to repay her ,but i did plus extra.And i told her the truth.
So on a positive note today,when i get my damage deposit back this time that will close another chapter of my past.
Came home from work on the 1st to find sister had came back and packed all her stuff,i cried i did,set me back a bit,as i know that was her way of saying im done i dont owe you anything.
My sister has always managed to come out smelling like roses through life no one seems to be able to see the real her,sad but my sister is an addict and even i didnt really know how bad till we lived together.
But this time it really hurt cause i feel like we were just the dirt she was able to grow in till she didnt need us anymore.
The phone rang it was for her,I said sorry she doesnt live here anymore! Boy that felt good ,hah small pay back ,and thats the Leo in me .
Any way im going to be soooooo busy we move in 19 days,
When the dust settles i hope that by leaving here i will be able to leave more of my past here ,as this is the place we had to move to.
Since the day i moved here i literally walked in the door and sat on the couch and that is where all my will and desires or insterest stopped,and that is from depression ,not one day has not gone by where i have had a different view or feeling .
Depression is just another reality of gambling,they say the financial end can pick up itself rather quickly well for some yah but for others maybe not.
But i can tell you the mental banckruptcy is a million times harder.
Im still scared i will not be able to fight this depression,but i do know i will have a different view past these walls of omg what did i do.
Hugs to all ,thanks for listening.
