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Later today I have that first counseling appointment. I don’t know how I feel because I’m coming out of such denial. I’m confused. Many times after I gambled during this relapse I declared it was my last and took measures to try to balance out my life accept and go on. But there were also some period where I was certain that I could be in control. I almost wish I had not won a few thousand dollars one day a couple months ago. I was ecstatic! Then I went back and won a bit more and also took that home. Then I keep on going back and spent it ALL plus more. Also prior to the ‚win‘ , if I can even call it that, I had lost lost lost each time. My story I know is similar to others. IT’s just this way for people who compulsive gamble. So I’m confused about how I feel . AT times like this I feel ungrounded. I don’t want to be in an exaggerated recovery because I want to maintain. It seems I’ve often been completely devoted and so serious that I went in the other direction ultimately. I guess there is no rhyme or reason. I’m glad I took a first step and dusted myself off … don’t know if I’ll ***** days except that I want each day to be fresh and new. free star