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Dear diary

I was showering when I had this self reflection, If I want to relive my gambling experience and winning feeling? Why didn’t I punt the minimum bet of SGD$5?

It wouldn’t have cause me any damage and at the same time, allow me to experience the whole gambling experience and sometime the winning feelings.
I have always consider minimum bet a waste of time and energy, and not worth the effort. I will never do this.

Suddenly I realize I didnt understand myself very well but the truth is revealing itself.

I love the high, thrill and excitement that come from high risk activity and I am attracted to these feelings…a low and minimum bet cannot give me this feeling.

The fear of losing, the big relief feeling of escaping death and the agony of a loss. The satisfaction that comes from the right call and the maximum win, the thrill and excitement from the emotional roller coaster ride in a gamble.

The fear of losing – minimum bet wouldn’t give me this fear, the anxiety and excitement nearing the end of the match.

Only high risk can give me that feeling.

It is strange that I can lose all my awareness and mindfulness suddenly and sell my soul.

I am willing to trade in my peace and calm, my gratitude and contentment, my happiness and joy, me and my love one ’s security and safety when I am impulsive.

It took so many years, so much hardship and suffering, so much effort one day at a time to recover and get well.

One moment of insanity and impulsiveness, I am willing to throw everything away. It is really insane.

I will do that. I cannot be in control. I must let go of the steering wheel and hand it over to the Higher Power.

The most difficult thing for me was to forget the memory associated with my gambling behaviors, I cannot erase that part of memory and when I have stress, anxiety …I automatically consider old familiar ways for relief, I turn to gambling.

I have to work very hard to use new ways to replace old ways whenever they show up.