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P, velvet, lisbeth and FG…..thank you!
I am heading to jodes tomorrow night and an getting her to block my account with a PIN number…. I tried doing it myself with my eyes closed, but of course you have to put it in twice! Of course that didn’t work.
I’m playing online pokies….free unless you buy credits, i can’t really win any money. But it’s not the money, it just means I can sit in my zombie like state for as long as possible, cut off from everyone. I’m going to visit a friend on Friday night for a sleepover. I need to get away, even for a minute. I feel desperately unhappy, the gambling isn’t helping.
My mum is deteriorating… She doesn’t know who I am. I laid on her bed yesterday and sobbed. I miss her so much, the woman who could make everything better, who loved me so much, now looking at me like a stranger. She dried my tears with her handkerchief, but there was no emotion behind her beautiful eyes. It’s like she has sunken into herself. I can’t make her feel better any more than she can make me feel better. It breaks my heart a little bit more every time I see her.
I can feel it cracking.
Dames and I aren’t great either. I have been unbearable. I hate him 500 times a day. He is who he is and that’s never going to change.
I feel so lonely , my family is broken, I barely hear from my brother and sisters. I am alone.
I don’t know how to pick myself up. I’ve always tried to be happy but it seems I never quite get there. My gambling block will be the start. Almost 7 years, not a bad run. Maybe it’s the 7 year itch? Who knows. I do know that if nothing changes nothing changes (yes Harry , you are burned into my brain)
Time to move forward. I just need to stick my foot out and take that first step.
Love K xxxx