What a nice chat! Everyone so up, I didn’t want to bring them down.
Tried real hard to workout and watch the diet last week, This week, zip! I ordered new workout stuff hoping for some motovation. I hate feeling this way! I have to go for blood work soon and I know I won’t be happy with the results.
I called one of my "fwb"s on Friday, 3 years anniversary of my "friendship" with him. He hurt my feelings so bad it was all I could get through the day. Long story short, he doesn’t want me anymore, or at least thats what he said. As soon as the wind blows and he need someone he’ll call, and I will swallow my pride and let him back in to complicate my life. We have been on a roll with song lyrics here lately and there is one that always gets me. "I don’t know that I’ve ever been really loved, by a hand thats touched me." This man doesn’t know what real lonelyness is. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Just imagine accepting someone , dropping everything, to spend a few stolen moments then wonder when or even if you’ll ever see him again. Thats my life, the one I want to run to the casino to escape from. I promised myself the last time he layed his guilt trip on me i would ask him to make sure that leaving me was what he really wanted, because I could make sure that that happened. Too weak, I just couldn’t do it. And after the speech on why we shouldn’t see each other he wanted to know if I could leave work early so he could come by.
So how do I deal with the situtation? I eat, I avoid working out, and I complain that i’m gaining weight.
I don’t want to be what I once was. I built a wall of fat to protect myself from getting hurt, to make sure no man would want me. Then what do I do? Lose weight and accept the worse scum of the earth because I should be so greatful that they paid me 5 minutes of attention.
When do I grow up?