[vera]

I have learned over the years that lending , for a CG (ME), can be just as dangerous as borrowing.

[i-did-it]

Hi vera
Did you have a bad experience Lending someone money ?

I never want to borrow from a friend again. It complicates friendships.

Lending I don’t mind.

Hope all is good in your world

[vera]

Yes, I D I, I have had very bad experiences with regard to lending.
Indeed, I would say quite a lot of my relapses have been caused by lending, especially when I threw away my 27 G free months.
So, what I need to find out is why do I give people loans?
I know why I borrowed. Always to gamble. Before I started gambling I didn’t know how to borrow.
I started this thread as the topic of borrowing/lending has arisen in Charles‘ group on more than one occasion.
I need to get to the bottom of this issue for my own recovery and if it interests others I would be happy to share further.

[i-did-it]

I would always lend, pay for others and generally go out of my way to be kind – i think it’s part of that whole low self esteem thing – where we fee we have to do self sacrificing stuff to make others like us. Perhaps that’s too simplistic – the sad thing is the more we try the less people respect us , and then the lower our self esteem gets !

[Drat88]

I agree with IDI. No matter how much financial ruin I have been in myself, if there was any way I could lend to someone else and keep up the facade that I was doing well, I’d go for it. I’m not even 24 hours GF yet and have about £50 to last me til month end. If I had a call from someone desperate for that tomorrow, I’d probably give it them. I’d then just think to myself ‘it’s fine I’ll figure it out, I always do’. The exact same thought I have after a massive binge with nothing left to live on for the month.

I also think it’s just another way of depriving myself. I have daily thoughts of feeling worthless and pathetic. I think other CG’s do too from the posts I’ve read. So maybe just another way of telling ourselves other people deserve more than we do.

[vera]

Thanks IDI and Drat. I can relate to all that both of you wrote I think the reverse can apply to my situation too. We are not just talking about chipping in or picking up the tab here, or indeed helping a friend out in a crisis e.g. illness or unexpected family loss. It’s more to do with handing over large amounts to the same person, a state of constant lending, in my case ,despite the unhealthy feelings that lending churns up in me. Here goes… I lending out of guilt -feel bad if I say no. I feel resentful immediately after I hand over the money. I often feel I have lost the money (like you describe, Drat-feels like I’ve been on a gambling binge) Stress levels rise when I’m due to be repaid NOT because I don’t trust the borrower but because I feel I will have to ask for my money, like a beggar. My pride and dignity take a blow when I have to beg! As the lending is constant , I ask myself is this friendship all about money? (I know the answer of course) Then I feel guilty in case I’m enabling the borrower to use money for something“ shady“. Underlying this behaviour there has to be a deep rooted flaw in my character which needs t be checked. Everytime I’m asked for a loan I feel instantly uncomfortable Why? Yet, there are times when I don’t even wait to be asked. I offer! Ongoing borrowing/lending, like compulsive gambling is not really about money at all is my conclusion. It is more to do with imbalance of power. It’s about control. It’s about manipulation. (What do I get in return for my loans?) Helping out on rare occasions is fine but becoming the financial backbone for another person is bordering on dangerous territory. Any comments??

[marke]

Hi Vera
I am thinking anything that we do or anything that happens to cause us mental anguish in life makes us vulnerable to start gambling.
I am learning that I gamble as an escape from problems. That it is my own world that I „escape“ to. I think for me gambling comes from relationship and self-esteem issues.
For yourself you are caused anguish my loaning to people, you may feel used and confused, you may try and exit that vicious circle by entering another one, i.e. gambling.
I am thinking we have to try and exit our problems to a „safe place“ somewhere other than gambling
Take care

[lizbeth4]

I’ve been on both sides. I borrowed once from a friend, not for gambling but for car repairs. Then she wanted the money back sooner that we had agreed on. I was able to give her some of it then and the rest when we had agreed upon. It ruined our friendship and we talked again???????? I’ve lent money also and sometimes have not been repayed. I just don’t lend anymore. And I have said no also. It’s the people pleaser in me, my low self esteem that made me feel guilty and wanting to help. I think that’s part of the CG traits. I don’t loan or borrow from individuals anymore.

[vera]

Yes, Lizbeth, I think it is a CG trait and another trait as Marke says, is escapism and (perhaps not for all, but for me) , there is a huge tendency to isolate. When I gamble, I remove myself from Life. I withdraw. Isolate. Ruminate. Cogitate, Muse. Obsess. Live in my head. Refrain from all normal activities of daily living. I spend time plotting and planning. Lying in wait. Ready to make my move. To pounce. To gamble…

[Nick]

HI Vera i get what your saying it’s a bit like the dry drunk syndrome , your still a drunk only dry for the time being. All we can do is try and stay dry for as long as we can , hopefully forever. As you have proved we can do it for long lengths of time and others like charles have managed to break free for ever, someday hopefully we can all be like him. 🙂

[velvet]

Hi Vera
It probably won’t surprise you to know that I will not be a lender. I would have no problem lending money to people who will pay me back but I don’t know who will and who won’t.
Do I sound mean that I worry about being paid back? The reason I would worry most is that it would change my feelings for the person who has not paid me back and I don’t like that feeling. This has got nothing to do with addiction. I organise quite a lot of events and often pay up front for the tickets or booking – I just don’t understand the people who do not offer to pay me back quickly. Money is not a fun subject when it is owed and not willingly returned.
Your replies seem to imply that if you are good and kind, then you will lend money. I am not sure I agree with this. I have a friend (it really isn’t me) whose family treats her like a purse and not a person – not a nice feeling. I don’t think that those people who take her money are good and kind and they are destroying my friend’s feelings of goodness and kindness.
thanks for the post that gets the little grey cells buzzing
Velvet

[Monica1]

Interesting subject and just to add to the debate. One of my triggers for gambling amongst what I call a perfect storm of issues was the fact that my family continually asked me for money, sons, daughter, sister and once it was three times in a day. I would give it willingly,with no expectation of getting it back particularly,to my grown up children. My sister who works full time on a low provincial wage can’t make her bills and has asked me continually on an almost weekly basis. But there is an end to it. It would send me to the tables when I was gambling as I couldn’t cope,with it, having huge debts from being the only financial support for my family. I wanted to alleviate their financial position through gambling, the big lie. I have considered and reflected on this a lot and I would still give it. With my sister there is an end point which is soon once her car loan ends. Part of this was my appalling choice in male partners, not earning at all although both my exes now r both earning but both low wage earners. I went to work as I was a much higher earner, and so it went on for virtually all my adult life while my first ex looked after the kids, which brought its own issues later in life. I would still choose pete though, my second partner even though the road together was hard, but worth it in the end as we have a great friendship.
So I would still lend if I have it, not for control or power, just because I can.

[vera]

Yes, Nick. It’s a bit like being a „dry drunk“.

I manifest this type of behaviour pre and post gambling….I think it is not uncommon.

Thanks for your post.

[vera]

No Velvet. You don’t sound mean. I don’t consider myself mean eaither. I give money away willingly when I choose ( not to mention the six figure sum I bequeathed to the „fatcats“!). I pick up the tab, buy presents ect SOMETIMES!, but for me lending is on the different level The same person borrows from me all the time. My question is „Why me?“ Why do I need to say yes always….on that note I had a text from the borower last night saying „I’m stuck again etc etc“ I promptly replied. „Sorry, I’m broke“!!

So writing about this IS having some effect.

My main concern is , when I am owed money, I gamble.

Thanks for looking in Velvet.

I’m forcing myself to interact.

[vera]

Yes, Monica, it is good to be kind to others God knows , we all know what it’s like to be strapped for cash.

Because I  am aware that lending causes me to gamble, I started this thread. I am very interested in the thoughts of other members.

There is a big difference between giving and lending. I have some idea why I give but I need to probe my reasons for lending.

[i-did-it]

Group ?

[kin]

Hi Vera,
I google on what the bible say about lending and found below for reference

Luke 6:34-38 ESV
And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

[vera]

True, Kin! Giving (lending) to receive is not giving at all! It is just another aspect of greed and manipulation. Yet, „It is in giving that we receive“, which throws some light on the personal seach of my motives for lending. I have had 3 requests from the same borrower since I started this thread. I declined. I know that lending money is not good for me or for the person who constantly borrows. I have gambled too often this year. I refuse to blame „triggers“ or „urges“. It is purely free choice due to lack of discipline on my part. Gambling requires effort. As does recovery. Every CG is in control until we place the first bet. Following that decision, we become powerless. Talk is cheap. Action is what c ounts most. Just for today, I will not gamble.

[Nick]

Hi Vera thanks for your message on my journal were in the same boat in two ways then.

[vera]

One hundred years ago a truce was declared and WW11 was ended. It’s only a distant memory for most people. My personal „war“ also ended on Armistice Day , thanks to a post I read on Kin’s thread. Time to COP ON and get my life in order!! On 12th of every month , a certain amount is transferred to my Repair Fund. This fund has been dipped into far too often recently to replace gambling losses. There are more withdrawals than deposits and nobody knows, so that has to change too before it is fully depleted. I’m writing here to uncover my secret and show some discipline and accountability. I will not gamble today! „We can’t have our cake and eat it“.

[kin]

It takes a lot of courage and strength, not weakness for what you have just did.

STEP 1 – Honesty

STEP 2 – Open-mindedness

STEP 3 – Willingness

Thumbs Up!

[charles]

Vera, you need to get back to what helped you stay gamble free for over 2 years – get your butt back to meetings. See you in a group soon.

You KNOW what works so get back to doing it.

[slotjunkie]

Accountability is what helps with keeping us from not gambling. It has helped me with my recovery and it can help you as well.

[kin]

Roman 3:10

As it is written: „There is no one righteous, not even one

Hi Sister Vera,

I made mistake too. Let’s walk this recovery together carefully and slowly, and enjoy the journey.

[jen3]

How ya doing Vera?? I hope well. Thank you for writing on my thread. I did respond. After all these years I am Still trying to figure this site out. Does anyone talk to Sad or Maverick anymore?? I have stoped in from time to time but noticed Sad dropped off a long long time ago and I have not seen anything from Mav in a long time. I pray they are ok.

[vera]

H Jen,
Members come and go on GT.
I like to think they are „cured“ when I don’t see people for a while but sometimes it can mean they are „on the game“.
I just came back from a week’s holiday tonight.
Back to the cold weather from 25 degrees.
No gambling while I was away.
Glad to see you are doing ok.

[jen3]

Good to hear you were on Holiday. I was wondering and a little worried. Vacations are always good without gambling. I hope you enjoyed. I was supposed to go to New Orleans next week but I am not because I know that I would just be asking for trouble staying at Harrah’s. I am a little sad that I am I not going but I will get over it. Plus only 4 months till Mexico and by than I will have long forgot about New Orleans. Hoping to make progress in that time because I tell you my “hijacked brain” is all over the place… one minute determined not o gamble, the next determined to gamble. Either way I made it through day 12. Off too bed soon.

[vera]

Returned from a week’s holiday last night.
All went well. I didn’t carry money (Hubby did) but I made him record everything we spent. I plan to go halves with him as soon as I get to the ATM. Lots of casinos where we were but it would never enter my mind to gamble, except in „comfort zones“.
I would be deceiving everyone, myself included, if I omit to say, I was counting the hours on the way home , to when I could visit one of these comfort zones………
Woke up today to a vicious storm, so no question of driving.
Divine intervention??
JUST FOR TODAY I WILL NOT GAMBLE.

[lizbeth4]

Glad that you had a good vacation and didn’t gamble. Temptation is all around us. We choose whether we gamble or not. Barriers-like not carrying money helps us fight this addiction. Happy that the storm intervened! Take care.

[vera]

Checked my bank account. The 7 day withdrawal request has been met. The money is in my current account now. I was fantasizing on ways of doubling it and winning back the price of the holiday. It’s not good to dream. Got out of bed. Drove to the nearest town with a bank and post office.(wore nightdress with a coat over it in case I was tempted to go further) Withdrew my daily allowance. Crossed the road to the post office. Lodged half to hubby’s account (which only he can withdraw from) Drove straight home and handed him the rest. He seems to have forgotten that we agreed to split the cost of the holiday. Showed him the P. O. book. I am saving for the house/car insurance which is due early next month. I am taking care of that. Lot of emotions swirling in my head/heart. Slot machines never refused to suck them up in the past but not today….not today…

[jen3]

Good for you! That damm devil always tries to convince us to use our money to try and make more. Never works out in the long run.

[vera]

Thanks Lizbeth and Jen for your posts.
Today is my son’s birthday.
I have been trying to get in touch with him for a few weeks. No response. Even sent him a text during the night (he keeps late hours).Planned to make a cake and cook a special meal in case he surprises me by turning up. (He has no transport so that would be a bit far fetched.) Keep going over every detail of his birth in my mind. Thinking the only way to deal with these thoughts is to zone out in the slots. Would that solve anything?
Why complicate matters?
„Keep it simple“, it says in GA.
Gambling takes the simplicity out of life and causes consternation.
I spent hours lifting crates of Christmas decorations from the attic in preparation for next week. (I never put them up until December) All down stairs now. Beats gambling!

[lizbeth4]

Happy birthday to your Son. I can relate to your post. I never knew if and when my youngest Daughter would show up for birthdays, holidays. Thank goodness that has changed. But i remember the frustration and worries. I hope he gets in touch with you. We both know that gambling won’t change or help matters. Im putting up my tree this weekend. Finally figured a place for it (not the usual) so maybe my little Granddaughter has room to play! Have a good day Vera!!!!

[jen3]

Happy Bitthday to your son!! I hope he shows up. It’s the devil who says “go zone out, it will feel good, heck you might even win”. Than he laughs at us as we struggle through the hangover.

[vera]

Thanks Jen.
He didn’t even answer my text. Perhaps he lost his phone AGAIN!
Ah! well . It’s his life!
I went to the bank and took out cash and am home now. Put it in his birthday card. Going to give it to hubby to hold. just in case I get frustrated and rip it open .
I’m going to check to see if I have ingredients to start mixing my Christmas puddings.

[jen3]

Anything from your son??

[vera]

Not one word, Jen but this has been going on for years. If I dwell on it , I will go nuts. His brother told me he sent him a birthday text too and got no reply. Just have to let it go over my head. I pray to God to keep him safe. He is in His Hands. I can do no more.

Thanks for asking.

[jen3]

I am sorry Vera! I hope he still had a good birthday and that you did not rip open his card. 🙂

[vera]

I gambled today.
Lost a fortune.
Just home.
Stunned and dazed.
(No, Jen . II didn’t rip open the card. I ripped every thing else rippable, though.)
I’m a fool!

[i-did-it]

Vera – so sorry to hear this .
I will see u in group at 12 if you want .

It is the worse feeling – you are not a fool- you have an addiction and like me – you are maybe not doing everything you should to control it – but that is addiction- it sneaks in through the tiniest openings, it steamrolls over our plans , it squashes our dreams and it crushes us our bodies . It is just horrible .

That’s said , you will recover and you will feel a little better in a few days – you will stop eventually Vera , and you will rebuild your fund – but as we all know only too well we will never build anything through gambling . Gambling only demolishes ! It is a wrecking ball .

Be kind to yourself vera – you have done nothing worse than any of us on here – I am gutted for you but I know you are a survivor and I know you can get back into recovery – you know what works for you xx

[jen3]

Awe Vera my heart aches for you. Please know that you are far from a fool!!! You are one of the most intelligent people I have met from a far. You have so much wisdom beyond words to offer. Unfortunately I know the feelings you are feeling oh too well. This addiction SUCKS!! I promise this too shall pass. You did it before and I have faith that you will do it again. I will be praying for you. God will get you through this. I know he will. Ugggh! I wish there was something more I could do or say to make it all go away for you. (And all of us).

[lizbeth4]

Vera, all I can say is that I’m sorry. I’ve been there and I know it’s not a good feeling. You know what to do. You’ve got this! You are not a fool! We are all tempted and sometimes we give in. We have this terrible addiction. God help us all. Take care. It will be okay.

[kin]

Dear Vera,

When I read your last post on my thread. I had a feeling something was not right. God is awesome! Everything happen for a reason to help us learn from our mistakes.

It takes a very brave and courageous person to admit your mistake. Put the reputation, self importance, pride and ego aside, all is not lost, you kept your honesty and humility. That is very important and can help us progress one baby step at a time in recovery. Give up self-will and follow God’s will.

It is a walk to the end in recovery together for everyone of us here. I luv you all.

Vera, we care and luv you here. Your wisdom and experience advice and input  is so real and vital to everyone growing in here.

[i-did-it]

Hi Vera
I hope it feels less awful this morning .
Can I make a suggestion- instead of withdrawing large sums to cover all you have to pay, why not break it down into smaller withdrawals to arrive in your account on the day the payment is due . That way there is no extra cash hanging around.

It sometimes helps to bring me back to reality when I think about it in terms of material things for example , I have gambled a new car, I have gambled my home extension, I have gambled a trip to America. I still have funds to gamble my big trip, my new patio area , even a swimming pool! Imagine all the things our money is buying for the fatcats.
If you make your money from the misery of others, you really will not hve any scruples about setting a high rollers’s favourite machines to heartbreak.

So look at me lecturing you when I have hardly any gamble free time accumulated- just I find where you are now is quite scary – and I feel you should get back to GA and all those things which were helping you . GA seven times a week is so much better than the pain of gambling . It is seven quid towards the coffee!

Please Vera , take the steps you need to to help yourself- .who wants to reach rock bottom ?
I am sure your son is causing you huge pain at the moment – perhaps you could invest a hundred in counselling to address this this pain.

Hope you feel better today xx

[jen3]

Still thinking about you Vera. Like I-did-it said, I hope today is a better. I-did it I read both posts on this thread. You have a way with words. This damm addiction does sneak in the tinnest holes! Although it’s not funny I have to laugh at myself,,,,, before my last slip (more like head dive into a swimming pool with no water). I spent days searching on-line trying to save a few hundred dollars on a trip we go on every spring. I also spent hours trying to save a few bucks on some things I bought my son for Christmas.. Than in 36 hours, yeah 36 hours straight (besides bathroom breaks) tossing money around like confetti. I always think I can’t affford this, I can’t afford that yet I will blow 50 times whatever this or that is and than wish I would of just bought whatever it was I could not afford…… enough rattling but could you possibly get cashiers checks for whatever you have to pay and than pay it right away vs waiting????? Also are thier Celebrate Recovery meetings by you???? It’s amazing how we all have so much advise to offer BUT seldom take our own. (Referring to myself)

[vera]

Thanks for posting, Kin, IDI and Jen.
How do I feel today?
Well, I didn’t get to sleep until almost 4am (with sedation!)
Woke at 8am and honestly didn’t know where I was . I thought I was still in Malta. I got up to the loo and WHAM!. I spun into a dizzy spell (vertigo) and barely made it back to the bed. Lay still for a while recalling what I thought was a gambling nightmare, but it wasn’t a dream It was true.
I grabbed the laptop to check my bank account and the losses are reflected there, in bold print.
What’s gone is gone. Call it addiction/stupidity/sin/indiscipline , whatever words we use the reality is always the same.
THE MONEY IS GONE . NEVER COMING BACK.
No matter how much I tear my hair out!
The good news is ( and I have to look on the positive side), I still have the money for the 2 big annual bills . I secured that in my husband’s post office account a few days ago , which only he can withdraw from. I lodged a cheque to my post office account yesterday instead of putting into my bank account. That takes 12 days to clear. I still have a large portion of my lump sum. I made another online request for yet another withdrawal to cover yesterday’s losses (which were exactly the amount I had transferred to my account last Tuesday.) So that’s IT. I cannot continue like this or (as IDI said) 8 more trips to the casino and I will be looking at a 0000 balance. It will take another 7 days to reach my current account so I will have enough time to buy Christmas presents ( very small gifts this year. We already agreed on that). On Monday I will go to the bank and ask to have the remainder of my Online Savings (Fund)account transferred to a Long Term account which I won’t be able to touch for a year. That will put a stop to me dipping the „Fund“ account . Knowing the money was there and after my first withdrawal back in July, everything spun of of control . I am not surprised that my head went into a spin this morning. Our emotions affect our bodily functions I do agree with Louise Hay on that.
I sent hubby a text from the bed and my morning tea and toast arrived. When I finished, I made a mental list of what I would do today. No question of driving anywhere with a muzzy head (the severe spinning has subsided) so I cancelled with someone I was meant to meet. I came downstairs, began mixing my Christmas puddings. (I’ve had the fruit steeping in spirits for 36 hours). Got hubby to tie up the string on the bowls (I can’t ever do that right) and I’m now sitting peacefully, listening to the first four puddings bubbling away and there are 3 more in bowls on the worktop waiting to be boiled tomorrow. They take 7 to 8 hours so that’s my day so far. Glad you asked??LOL!
Hubby is going to lift the crib from the attic and erect it, then as the days go on we will decorate the house, one room at a time. We usually wait until December 8th to do that but taking it slowly will be more enjoyable. With two solid fuel stoves, this house needs a good cleaning also.
Thanks for all the suggestions. Yes, I agree with most of them BUT as we all know when the bug bites there is no turning back.
Having NO extra money available is what works for me.
Knowing we can be rescued by husbands or funds prevents us from reaching rock bottom.
More later……

[Monica1]

That you are taking the right steps to protect your lump sum. That’s a good plan, Vera. We cannot gamble responsibly, you know that. And u r right when the bug bites or we let it bite us, that getting out of that spin is incredibly difficult. It takes a strong soul to say enough before it’s all gone, which is usually how it all plays out.
Hope to catch up with you in chat.

[jen3]

Yup most of us know what to do but always easier said than done. When we get “the fever” it is so hard to actually think it all the way through. Even if we do stop to think it through our addicted minds tell us “it will be different this time” Even as I write this I think “it will feel so good to just go play for awhile” hard to think about how it will feel walking out the door feeling miserable. Flip! Why can’t we be addicted to knitting or something. Lol

[finding_laura]

Good morning Vera

I was sorry to read about how you are feeling after gambling. I remember the out of control feeling all too well. I’m glad to see you are figuring out ways to keep your money un accessible. Back to basics. Time and money are required to gamble. Accounting for both keeps us accountable. So while you are feeling this way figure out how to make one, the other or both accounted for. Ask hubby to pay all the bills and transfer him a once, twice or more often amount to pay them. Put most of the remainder in long term savings. Whatever it takes Vera. It will tear you up. Counseling? Go back to GA. Yes it takes courage to eat humble pie but GA helped you so much. And any time you need support, reach out. I can imagine your house smelling lovely as you start to decorate for the holidays. Try and shed as much stress this year as possible. That should be your Christmas gift to you. Take care Vera
xo

[i-did-it]

Hi vera
I am glad you are feeling more positive – you have a lot of positives in your life – and you still have a significant lump sum- maybe take time to reflect on the security that gives you- you can have dreams and plans – you have a safety net .
It is an excellent idea to put it away for a year and while that is away you can continue to save and get back to where you were earlier this year .

Vera you are taking all the right steps – well done for choosing to protect what you have rather than chase what is lost .
Xx

[jen3]

I hope you are doing even better Vera??? I have been thinking of you a lot. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

[kin]

Please update progress.

[vera]

Thanks, Jen, IDI, Monica, Laura,
I have spent the last few days cleaning the house. One room at a time. I have two rooms fully cleaned and decorated. The rest of the house is like Beirut. Decorations strewn everywhere. Furniture moved. Further cleaning in progress. Hubby balancing on ladders but thank God I’m not missing out on real life.I would hate to be in a casino today.
No gambling since.
I’m up and down to the attic, storing away all the ornaments I took down . I keep them in the empty decoration crates and boxes and after Little Christmas, ( January 6th) I swap them back. It’s hard work but even if nobody sees the decorations, I still like to have them up every year. This year my back plays up if I overdo it. Need to take breaks. ‚Didn’t have that problem other years. I need to pace myself . I am impatient so this is an exercise in patience.
My friend (the borrower) has been in touch with me a lot, by text lately. Relating lots of unsavoury work issues. I was feeling a bit guilty in case I had misjudged her. Then yesterday , out of the blue, came a text „Can you give me ONLY XXX amount until the end of the month.“
It shocked me.
If only she knew my circumstances!
I replied hours later, explaining that the money I have is set aside for two major annual bills. No reply!
(Thank God I still have that money. I put it into hubby’s P.O. account a few weeks ago. He can withdraw it on Thursday)
Goes to prove if we tie up our money we CAN’T gamble it!
Back to the grindstone now.
Break over!
Will reply individually when my task of decorating is complete.

[vera]

I was typing as you posted, Kin. Update given!

[i-did-it]

Vera it’s good to hear you sound better and well done on keeping that money safe . You have the Energy of twenty of women. I’m sure your house is beautiful .

Himself is shouting at me here about spending money – he thinks I’m frivolous- little does he know !

You have identified that this friend’s borrowing often triggers your gambling -so well done in saying no.
We need to look after ourselves first Vera.
Hope to catch u in group later xx

[kin]

We do care and love you!

[lizbeth4]

You sound much more positive! It was gpod that you had money tied up and hard to get to. Money can be saved again. I bet your decorations look lovely. Take care.

[vera]

No gambling today.
No gambling this week.
No gambling this month.
All decorations up and flashing. (Not like the casino type flashing)
Overnight visitor on her way. Family relative . Food cooked.
Thanks Lizbeth and Kin.
Still haven’t had time to catch up on many threads.
Feeling very stressed underneath it all. House/car insurance due. Thank GOD I had that safely saved. Hubby took it out today and handed it to me….Would you believe that?! It’s safe. We will both go to the town where the insurance office is tomorrow. Just seeing all those notes makes me uneasy. Handling large amounts of cash .gives me a feeling of panic
I have absolutely NO desire to gamble.

[jen3]

Glad you are able to pay your insurance. I bet your house looks amazing with all the decorating. Enjoy your time with your freind/family. Cheers! to no desire to gamble!!!

[vera]

My car/house insurance is paid. A huge relief.
I had to ask himself to go alone. I had an all nighter with my visitor and unable to move today! She is gone now.
I did mention several times to my husband that I’m very relieved that the money was safe.
His response- „You don’t go to many GA Meetings anymore“!!

[i-did-it]

I think your husband is maybe like my husband – it’s simply easier not to rock the boat !

I guess that’s his way of saying you need it get back to GA.

Vera , why not go back to visit for Christmas – you are gamble free now and practically everyone trying to give up gambling has had a blip sooner or later .

I think your wisdom and you wit would be very much missed at those meetings

Xx

[Monica1]

Thanks for your message on my thread and for thinking of me. . Glad you got the important bills paid Vera. I think you are back on the gf road again. It’s worth it.

[vera]

Thank God I didn’t gamble today…

[i-did-it]

Hi Vera
I’m glad to read you didn’t gamble .
Were you tempted?
So today instead of waking up full of pain and self- loathing , you can feel proud that you made the right choice.

I hope everything is ok and that the urges weren’t triggered by an upset.
Maybe catch you in group tonight?
Xx

[vera]

I didn’t gamble, IDI because I used God’s help/self discipline/accountability and a few other projects to keep me on the straight and narrow. Simple things that never fail if I convince ourselves that I DO NOT WANT to gamble (the flawed part of my addicted mind will always tell me that I do)

First, I asked hubby to come with me. He hummed and hawed ( a great excuse to run off alone and unconsciously tell myself it’s his fault). I went alone.

Second, I told him exactly where I was going. (The shopping centre closes at 7pm so if I was home later than 8pm it would be a dead give away) When I intend to gamble, I am deliberately vague about my plans.Of course in the past I said I „met a friend, got stuck in traffic, went for a walk“…..all the usual BS)

Thirdly, I have a friend coming to stay overnight on Tuesday and I wanted to get back to put the Christmas bedding on the beds, make bread and prepare other food. ( I kept reminding myself that IF I gambled I would not meet any of these projects and worst of all I would be skint and like a zombie. I don’t want to be absent for this visit (i.e in a gambling fugue).

Above all I kept reminding myself of the words I said at Confession last Sunday…“I firmly resolve….to amend my life“ Who can say those words to God and mean the total opposite ? Bad enough being a Compulsive Gambler without being a total hypocrite.

So, here I am into the 2nd week of December, G free. I got lots of presents ( keeping it small this year)

Three bag fulls are now sitting in my over cluttered bedroom but it sure beats looking in an empty purse and asking

„Why did I do it AGAIN?“!! Barriers are in the mind.

Of course I thought of „doubling my money“

I took the right lane at the two roundabout exits that would have led me to disaster and put the boot down and turned up the radio until I was well clear of the chance to turn off.

Texted „himself“ when I left the shopping centre to say „On my way home“

Urges/triggers can be excuses. Deciding BEFORE I gamble that I cannot gamble keeps me safe. If one iota of the temptation takes hold, it always ends in grief.

I would love to see that Louis T programme…must check it out.

[jen3]

Great job Vera! I was worried when you mentioned “I hope I do not take the wrong exit” Always such a relief when we wake up after a day of no gambling.

[i-did-it]

Vera I read something you wrote about mindset – and while barriers help me with the automatic pilot stuff on the phone , you idea of mindset has helped me most .

In group someone asked me will I gamble when I am home ? I replied no because I have decided not to – and it is as simple as that . When I go home I usually start planning to gamble the minute I decide to go . I attend groups and discuss how I will avoid it – all the time I am planning , the anticipation is building up and of course my mindset is set on going!

Well done Vera – I am so glad you are looking st your bags of presents instead of – not an empty purse but a purse full of misery !

You are doing really well !

[jen3]

You have been pretty quite. I hope everything is ok??

[vera]

Thanks for looking in on me , Jen. Busy with Christmas shopping etc…just back before the gridlock traffic builds up …going out for a meal at 6pm…I just feel like dropping into bed
Shower and change , then dash..

[jen3]

Good to hear. (Well not the part about wanting to drop 🙂 )

[Nick]

Hi Vera thanks for your post, no gambling did not end my relationship my partner did. I see you are doing well this month, i hope you continue, your doing all the right things.

[vera]

Thanks, Nick.
I made another blunder which could have been easily avoided.
No use crying over spilt milk.I’m going to block it out .
Wrapping Christmas presents…15 done so far…Keeping busy from now until 25th.

[Monica1]

Hope to catch u in group.

[vera]

…only one type of „Blunder“ for a CG, Monica!
Gotta learn to roll with the punches, I guess.
When we take the „drug“ , we suffer the hangover.
Always!

[Monica1]

What triggered this event? I have been a bit urgey today but not giving it too much attention. I just know where it leads and I don’t wanna go there.

[vera]

Absolutely no trigger, Monica except that I had money. Was on my way to meet a friend (Coincidentally the aforementioned „Borrower“). She sent a text to say she was too cold to go out. I decided to spend my time elsewhere. Walked in with both eyes wide open. I won’t mention the walk out. We all know what that’s like.

What’s done is done! Having a financial „cushion“ made it bearable but cushions deflate if you keep pouncing on them!

‚Nuff said! Whether you want to go there or not, Monica, I would say DON’T!!

Listening to „Another Suitcase in another Hall“ (Evita) on you tube. Brings bittersweet memories. Barbara Dickson or Samantha Barks do the best versions, by far but Madonna is good too.

„Time and time again I say that I don’t care, that I’m immune to gloom, that I’m hard through and through“…………….

Thanks Monica

[i-did-it]

Hi Vera
Sorry to hear about this .
Yes I’m worrying this cushion is going to deflate and then there will be no soft landing.
Perhaps GA will help again ?
Go back to everything you were doing before – just systematically add everything back in.
You deserve better than this – you know you do .
P used to talk about flicking the switch- can You flick it Vera .

I think coming up to Christmas and having an absent child would be a huge trigger for any mother . Could this be it ? Could counselling help?
Vera please take action to stop the bleed – and I mean this in the best possible way .
Xx

[jen3]

I am sorry Vera! I know you want to sweep this one under the rug and move on and you should move on but you should try to prevent the next relapse. You have more wisdom than anyone here. (No offense to anyone). We have to figure out a way for you to get back on track.. I was thinking exactly what IDI said…,, it must be something with your son and the holidays. Have you read the book Beyond Addictions? It’s by Jeff Rudd. I suggested it to Liz and I hope you read it too. (IDI I think you will like it too)

[i-did-it]

Totally offended Jen haha- yes I often marvel at the wisdom of Vera – and a few others on here . Don’t want to mention too  many names but there is a core group who have been on here a while – and i always wonder where they get their inspiration from? Hope all has been good since the blip Vera – maybe meet you in Group at two – I’m running to buy my dinner first as I am home alone and can’t be bothered cooking ! Talk soon I hope ! Xxx

[Monica1]

Well, just a view but it seems to me that you did have a trigger, it was time. I was meant to be doing something last night with women from GA but it was cancelled andi got a bit urgey with spare time, tiredness and just all the stuff of Xmas. We have all gone back when the result is always the same. The difference now is that I do not want to cause even more pain for myself on a deep level. When 8 relapsed time and time again, in recovery I had to ask myself why was I hurting myself over and over. The emotions related to the answer had to be worked through and not always through counselling. Most of it I had to work out for myself.

[vera]

Thanks, Monica, IDI and Jen.
I’m in a foul mood so I won’t write anymore for now.
Everything is driving me nuts and some things/people more than others.

[jen3]

Hope today is a better day!

[i-did-it]

Hi Vera – thinking of you xx

[vera]

I went to Handel’s Messiah tonight. A friend treated me.

Music– Wholesome food for the soul.  

Slot machines -Toxic „slop“ for the addicted brain.

Thanks, IDI, Jen and Monica.

I am still very fragile.

I gambled FAR too much this year.

[jen3]

The good news is …… a New Year is right around the corner.

[Monica1]

Toxic slop, I will remember that one!

[jen3]

Hi Vera! I hope all is well. I might not have time to get on here much before the holidays. I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Very blessed New Year!!!! Let’s try to end this year and go into 2019 toxic slop free.

[i-did-it]

Hi Vera hope.
All is well with you .

Was wondering did you get your money back from the bank?
Xx

[i-did-it]

Hi Vera
How are things ?
Xx

[Monica1]

Hope to catch up with you soon. Xx

[Autor]

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