Hi wewinwhenwedontplay
You are neither a failure nor stupid; you have an unwanted addiction and you have struggled to take control of it for any great length of time, there is no shame in that, you deserve understanding.
If I have read your post correctly, It seems to me that your mother has, inadvertently, by expressing pride in your siblings, caused you to believe that you matter less. In my opinion, this comes from thoughtlessness, due to her ignorance of addiction and not from any failure on your part. Put feelings of guilt away, they are unnecessary and only hold you back. If, when you talk to your mother about being unable to pay for this or that at the moment,maybe if your mother was willing, you could direct her to this site – our Helpline and our Friends and Family section, are here for her.
‘You’ matter and at the moment you are unable to provide for your mother but you have siblings who can – in my opinion it is time for you to put yourself first and look after you. Gambling is never going to allow you to be the man you want to be.
This is a great forum for you to keep a journal and watch your own progress. Complacency is the biggest danger in recovery, hopefully by posting regularly you can you gauge where you are on your journey and stop hurting yourself further. There will always be others willing to support who understand.
You have written that you have quit many times but it takes only one quit, one leap of faith to make a true recovery. You are only 30 so you have many years ahead of you to happily, live gamble-free, in control of your addiction, or you can continue to feel as you do now. You have a choice and I know what I hope you will do.
Keep posting
Velvet