Today was my off day; I have earn and deserve the rest. I can now relax myself journaling and do some mindful writing before I get more sleep to recharge and restore myself.
I have worked long and unhealthy hours without break, I was so tired and exhausted that I could fall asleep while doing my job. I was not lazy; I was just simply too tired. That was my limit, if anyone is not happy with my effort; it is fine with me. I have done my honest best. I will be happy to move on to another job. In the meanwhile, I am not quitting until I have done my best. I am doing my best without troubling anyone to help me made a life changing decision. I will know the outcome of my effort in 6month time.
In the spirit of one thing at a time, April and May was a very difficult month for me due to many expected and unexpected changes. I experience big change in my job, finance and renovation works at home. It was a very uncomfortable time; this is a time I was hit by multiple curve balls in life at the same time.
Today I realize that I was 10 times stronger in recovery compare to when I first started. Those days, I would become very frustrated and angry, dissatisfied and discontented on the smallest of thing such as receiving unexpectedly 30 dollars lesser in my pay, I feel that it is not ok and would press the self-destruction button. I would seek comfort in alcohol and gambling; I was more impulsive and my obsessive-compulsive behavior was more serious at that time, I explode more easily.
Today, I can receive unexpectedly 300 dollars lesser in my pay, I would try even harder to remain calm and protect my sobriety; I do not want to rock my boat, I do not want to listen to my mind and heart to seek pleasure and escape the pain and hardships.
I have accepted in life that bad things do happen to good people or even people who did not do anything wrong. I do not envy good thing happening to people who do bad things. This is life; it is not perfect. I am not alone; it happened to everyone. People get hit by curve balls in life, some more than others and this is the challenge; you do not always get straight ball throw at you in life.
I did not seek pleasure and find comfort in all the unhealthy stuff, I have stayed stop in gambling.