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    • #9637
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Have made a mess of things.  I knew what I was doing, but didn’t care.  I would like to think that I am not a lost cause, but my heart and my head say that I am.  I apologize, but I need this site.  Please don’t give up on me.  God, help me find the strength to start over again…again…to not give up on myself and my life.

    • #9638
      neva
      Συμμετέχων

      Dear ican and Vera, the only way to protect yourselves is to make sure you can’t get to cash when the stinkin’ thinkin’ hits. It’s painful, upsetting and you feel like you’re giving up your independence but believe me, when there is absolutely no way to get money, it will be a whole lot easier…not easy but easier. I still get a little miffed when I can’t go to Pappa Murphy’s pizza unless I have cash (they don’t take American Express or checks) but enough other places do.  I wish I could carry cash and have a debit card like other people but I know it’s just leaving the door open for a gambling spree. Good for both of you willing to start again.  You’re both in my prayers too.

    • #9639
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks Cat and ready2change.  What I wanted was a gamble free summer.  What I have had has been one big relapse.  Such loss and devastation.  I am not going to let this disease have one more day of my life and not another penny!  August 7…lucky 7 because this is the day I choose to take action.  Giving in to this addiction is not living.  Misery.  Just over a decade.  What a waste!  I just want a normal life!

    • #9640
      iceman
      Συμμετέχων

      Icandothis ……..yes you can, we share a mutual friend and although he keeps telling me he can’t do this I keep telling him yes you can, so together as friends …stay strong….keep at it and Icandothis ……yeswecan, take care my friend and I am always reading and listening to others even though I am not around, just for today I am based in another country and that is no *** no matter what my IP address reads. Take care and never ever give in…..wish you well love Iceman.

    • #9641
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi Ican, how are you?  Keep posting and working it one day at a time.  You know that you can get through one day and just focus on that.  It is such a horrible addiction, but don’t worry about tomorrow or next week just think about getting through one day.  I find it helps me to post when I am struggling to get back on track. You can do it Ican!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #9642
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks for the encouragement, Iceman.  Cat, I am doing ok.  Life would be so much better if I didn’t gamble.  When am I going to get that through my thick skull?
      Vera, I like that image of all of us standing on the platform and watching that train go by!  Reminds me of a song I hear when I go to a certain casino called Long Black Train by Josh Turner…trust in the Father and His Holy name and don’t go riding on that long black train.
      If anyone’s interested…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyRZTAmcW7c
      Day 1 was amazingly good.  If I was alone, I probably would have wallowed in self-pity and drank wine.  I am at home, and I had a lot of work to do.  I cooked dinner for my husband and daughter.  I invited a friend to join us.  She was feeling low.  She recently retired, and like me, she is asking "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?"  Although she has quit work, I need to begin!  Unlike me, she is all alone.  She was widowed, remarried and then divorced, and now both her kids have moved far away.  I know she is envious of my life and struggles with feelings of loneliness.  I am a very lucky woman who just for today is not going to gamble and is ******** her many blessings!
       

    • #9643
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks Ican I really enjoyed that Long Black Train I had not heard it before.  I will ***** my blessings today as I have much to be grateful for!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #9644
      libbie
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi there-saw your post on my thread..so popping in on yours.I hope you are feeling ok…you sound just like me…on and off the train..this is hard! But let’s at least be grateful for any easy hours (minutes?) we have!
      That being said, I went back out yesterday…7 whole days..that’s all I did …but it seemed longer than that..I hate to post all my relapses…but I don’t want to *** either…I actually left a winner…but I still felt like s***t today and cried on and off all morning….because I knew I had done wrong…it just didn’t feel good..and other areas of my life are not going well..and gambling, win or lose only makes it worse! So here I start again…
      Watching Downtown Abbey …great way to stay out of the casino! I was watching it straight through but took a break from it…so now I’m going to pick it back up!

    • #9645
      neva
      Συμμετέχων

      Ican, I hope and pray things are going better for you. I posted a blog link on my thread that I think you’d find inspiration and comfort in…I know I have.  Sherry

    • #9646
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      I have reached an all time low. Can not believe the money I have recently wasted. Read uncontrolled post on his 100 days and feel inspired. My life has just been on this downward spiral, and I can’t seem to turn things around. Seem to be in a state of panic all the time. So many things are challenging right now. For instance, this new website set up lol. I do realize that the only thing I can control is myself. I am going to start there. I am in a terrible place right now, but that is ok, because what I do have is a strong desire to change, to be a better person, and to enjoy life once more.

    • #9647
      libbie
      Συμμετέχων

      So sorry hon..I am afraid I am in the same boat…and now my first time back on here and I just want to cry..Not sure why it was changed.I thought it was great before:(

    • #9648
      libbie
      Συμμετέχων

      Nice to see your post on my thread..This feels like such a foreign place but feels homey to see the old names I know…Hopefully all this will just take getting used to and then we will all feel comfortable again…and isn’t that what we gamblers love – the “comfort ” of gambling? What a joke..because it is always followed by EXTREME discomfort after a gamble..I am on Day 3 of staying away …I have been thinking that my addiction is as much about the money as it is the gambling..Why do I want to just throw it away? I”say” I want to have money, but then why I am I so willing to just give it away at all costs? It makes no sense to me. It’s good that you say you have a desire to change..That’s a start ! Hang in there.I am getting up my nerve to attend a GA meeting..The first one in years..If I do nothing else, I can do that…at least just one

    • #9649
      ready2change
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi ican good to see you back posting sorry to hear youve been threw the mill with the gambling i was the same june july and august. But im getting there odaat just over a month now. Hope you have a great autumn and a great day at your sons wedding. Take care

    • #9650
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      Hi Ican
      Sorry to hear you have been struggling. I do not have any magic words of wisdom. I really wish I did. I have read many of your treads and I know that you have been a source of help many times to folks on this forum. I think that the problem we gamblers have is that we forget so easily the intense pain and trouble that it causes us and those around us. although I have been clean for a while now, I understand that the demons are always following me. I think with me, its the thought of getting a bit of ‘easy money’ and not having to work for it. We sometimes win, but its never enough, and its that win thrill that keeps us coming back in the hope theat we can do it again, but thinking we can stop at ‘just the right time’ !!!!!!!!!! Funny that it always fails. I have in the past gone on fantastic winning steaks that have lasted for weeks, with lots of available cash. I have bought people gifts and spent some on fancy meals, and then the inevitable certainty losses start again and I chase and chas and chase, and normal service is resumed. You have done some good stints free of the demon before and I know you are strong. You are in my thoughts and I can only suggest keep coming to the forum were people really do care x

    • #9651
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Uncontrolled, Those are words of wisdom! I think you hit upon something with the not wanting to work for the money and also, the impatience of wanting the money now. I do feel bad about our financial situation (which isn’t all from the gambling) and the fact that I don’t work outside of the home. This should keep me from gambling, but actually, it does just the opposite. The more desperate I feel about our finances, the stronger the urges to gamble. Then I lose more money and feel even more desperate. A vicious cycle that must be broken. I must break this cycle and find a way to EARN money.
      Just for today, I am not going to gamble, and I am focusing on cleaning the house and enjoying the day.

    • #9652
      bettie
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi Ican! Good to see your post on my thread.
      There will come a time when the urges get less and easier to get past.
      Do you go to meetings? Do you have any outside support?
      Everyone needs support and people who understand us. GT is a great tool but why not have a full tool box? I have often found anything by Melodie Beattie is wonderful. She is a deep thoughtful person.
      Wishing you peace this weekend.
      bettie

    • #9653
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Hello, just want to say that i understand the struggle. I know its hard with finances. Keep trying ican with stopping gambling, never give up on giving up. I started counselling again which seems to be a help and GA meetings help keep me sane. Glad the site is up and running again.
      Keep going ican, you can do this

      P

    • #9654
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Things have been difficult, but just for today, I am going to “pack up my troubles”. Today is the rehearsal and tomorrow’s the wedding!!! So many blessings to focus on!!! I better get packed and ready to celebrate! “Love is a many splendid thing!”

    • #9655
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Enjoy the wedding ican and be sure to give us all the details.. waiting to hear. Enjoy. 🙂

      P

    • #9656
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      A wonderful wedding weekend. My son and his bride were so happy. Beaming the entire weekend. It is wonderful to be surrounded by so many family members and friends. There were 250 people at the church and reception. Every thing was perfect. A beautiful sunny fall day. In my opinion, all brides are beautiful, but my new daughter-in-law was stunning ! The Priest was so easy going and made us all feel comfortable. His sermon was about the importance of friendship between a husband and wife and also in general. You could just feel the love that surrounded the bride and groom and their families.
      Then, on the way home, I had many thoughts of gambling. I always have urges after a big event. And this was a big one! Today, is more of the same. I am not going to give in. I am worthy of all the blessings I have been given. It is time to live in alignment with all that life has created me to be. I was not meant to be a part of this magnificent family and community of friends, and then dishonoring this gift by gambling away time and money.
      I think this marriage has shown me just how large our lives really are. As I sit here today once again by myself, I need to be reminded of that. I am part of something bigger than myself, and also part of something that I had a part in creating. I need to once again live that truth and stop the selfishness of continuing to create unnecessary misery in my life!

    • #9657
      desdemona
      Συμμετέχων

      Dear ((((icandothis)))! Just catching up on people’s threads and am happy to see that you’re hanging in there with recovery. It’s all about progress and not perfection. Carole

    • #9658
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi ican
      So pleased the wedding went well.it sounded wonderful. Those urges can be nasty. Keep putting off the idea when it comes up. When it does. Get busy with anything. Distract that focus and it will pass. Good for you. Keep going ican
      P

    • #9659
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      … how similar life is for so many people. You’ve said a couple of things in your post to me that really resonated with me. [Thanks for the post :)] One was that you want to get rid of the demon in the middle of your relationship with your husband. I always had a negative reaction when I heard people speak of the “gambling demon” or the devil on their shoulder in relation to gambling. My feeling is that we’re all responsible for our own actions, and we shouldn’t minimize it by attributing our actions to a mythical being.

      Then, in our discussion after I gambled last week, my husband said (almost apologetically) that he had to tighten up financial control even further because “there is a devil among us”. I found it interesting that he felt that way. And now I see how so many can feel they are manipulated by a gambling demon. For me though, it translates in the marketing people, the politicians who support casinos, etc. There are so many people and institutions heavily invested in making casinos and other forms of gambling work — and that, for me, is the demon.

      Even in the midst of working hard on recovery, gambling manages to wriggle its ugly tentacles into our lives. I open Facebook, and there are ads reaching out to me, I click on my e-mail and there are dozens are emails from online casinos trying to entice me back online, I drive down the highway and signs point me to the slots venues, then there’s the television, radio, newspapers — every possible avenue — and there it is!! The demon!!

      The other thing that I’m glad you reminded me of was our worth as mothers. There was an article recently that pegged the monetary value of stay at home moms at between 115,000 and 170,000 per year. Imagine if we were actually paid that!! Personally, I think it’s the fact that society has so often under-valued SAHMs that I’ve been so depressed about my two years at home. Why is it that we — the beings who carry, deliver, raise and produce presidents, lawyers, doctors — all the most powerful men in history — are so grossly undervalued? It’s a universal disgrace!!

      But unfortunately, the Koolaid is still strong in my veins and I feel I need to do more to contribute to the household. So, the inability to do so adds to my rapidly deteriorating self-esteem and I try to boost it with unhealthy and unnatural “highs”.

      Sorry — rambling on and on. You have left me with much to ponder — thank you.

      Hope your weekend was a wonderful one and your recovery ever-successful.

      Talk soon.

      RG

    • #9660
      ready2change
      Συμμετέχων

      Hello ican good to hear from you great use had a great day at the wedding i still remember your daughter being late for her interview and still getting the job hope the job still going well. Take care

    • #9661
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks, R2C. Actually, she hates the job. But, she has saved money and is planning to move to New York City, which is her dream, next month. However, she has no job lined up in NYC.

      I am feeling very unmotivated this morning. Reading through posts. Staring at the screen thinking about getting dressed and going gambling. I know. I can hardly believe it myself. Maybe by writing, I can talk myself out of it. These are the days, the days when I just don’t feel like doing anything else. Thinking…what’s the point of staying here and also, what’s the harm of a little escape? Not making any progress here. At least I’ll get out of the house and have a nice fall drive. The urges actually started last night when I was thinking that I was feeling better about myself and my life. Why does this happen when things begin to improve? Why do I sabotage myself? Why do I begin to think that a gambling visit here and there can fit into my somewhat sane life? Insanity!!! Why do I stop short of really taking action to make the changes in my life that I could to improve things?

      Yesterday, was a good day. I had something to focus on. The newlyweds came for dinner. Today…nothing. Why do I have such a hard time creating something new for myself?

      Good questions…

    • #9662
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi ican, I haven’t been faithful lately posting but I wanted to say hi and hang in there. For myself, I put my children and Husband before myself. When the kids grew up and left home, I really had a hard time. I think we have to find ourselves again and kind of reinvent our path. I have had gambling thoughts the last 2 days in the mist of packing and buying a house. Crazy, ugh? Just hang in there! Take care.

    • #9663
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks Lizbeth and Vera. I didn’t gamble yesterday. Still a struggle today. Life has me down. Trying to work things out. I know if I could just get myself to do something, I would feel better. Just can’t get there.

    • #9664
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Trying to join the community group. Don’t see the green join button!

    • #9665
      charles
      Συντονιστής

      Sorry Vera, Im in group now, not sure what happened. If you are still reading then as you were in the group you SHOULD be able to reconnect even though the 15 minutes is up.

    • #9666
      trulyshi
      Συμμετέχων

      A long time ago I was here on the unmoderated chat line and told the other person in there that I had no idea what to do with myself now that I wasn’t gambling. They asked me what I used to enjoy doing before I started gambling and I actually had to sit awhile and think in order to remember. Well, I used to like to crank my music up in the kitchen and try out a new recipe, so that’s exactly what I did and as I was doing it, it brought back a lot of fond memories and I found myself thoroughly enjoying it. Later that day I sat and thought of other things I used to enjoy. Gambling had taken up so much of my time and thoughts that I had pushed all those things out of my mind and my life. It was almost like I was being a child and saying – if I can’t gamble then I don’t want to do anything else. Give it a try Ican, just pick one thing that you used to enjoy, whether it’s watching a good movie, knitting, walking, cooking or soaking in the tub with a glass of wine. Congratulations on not gambling recently, way to go. Debbie

    • #9667
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      I don’t know where to start describing this weekend. Last week was tough. A let down after the wedding and then a busy week that followed. We had friends come to visit from out of town Friday night. We went to our cottage Saturday. Worked to close things up and were at the trailer Saturday planning to stay Sunday night also. Had a nice dinner with my brother and SIL. Point…much needed time with husband. Feeling good about things in general. Then..Sunday AM .. text from my daughter..her boyfriend of three years has broken up with her. We packed things up and headed home. She is devastated. Our new DIL spent the day with her. What a blessing ! Her brother loves her, but he can not provide the comfort that her new sister was able to provide. I made her a nice dinner. She hardly ate any of it. she then asked me to rub her back. She laid in front of the fire and I rubbed her back. I was thinking as I was rubbing her back that I was rubbing away her broken heart. I wish it were that easy. I can’t say I am devastated because he never gave much to our family. I never felt that he was devoted or totally in love with our daughter. And, now, I guess, he has provend that to be true.

      My wish has always been that she would meet someone who gets her and who appreciates her like we do. Who thinks she is as amazing as we do..no, someone who thinks she is more amazing than we do. He was not that someone.

      I was lucky enough to find that someone. I want that for my daughter. I know my son is that man for his new wife. If I could bottle up the look on my son’s face as his bride walked down the isle, I would send it to every woman in the world…especially to my daughter!

      Relationships are complicated, and he is not a bad guy. I am just saying that my daughter deserves someone who thinks she is the stars and the moon because, well, that is what she is…

    • #9668
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      Ican sorry to hear about your daughter. It is interesting that no matter their age our kids are always our kids. We want to take away their pain, but it’s not like when they were little and we could put a Band-Aid on something. If our kids are hurting we hurt for them. I know that my daughter has gone through break-ups and all you can do is be there for them as they deal with it. My daughter does not have a boyfriend and I really wish that she would meet someone who would cherish her, but we don’t know what the plan is.
      Your post got me to thinking Ican that it was after my son, his gf at the time, now his wife moved away with our first grandson that I felt really lost. I think it was not long after that when I started my gambling. It took me a long time to adjust to it. I think when we have kids that we sometimes envision the future as they are growing up and it does not seem to work out that way.
      I am proud of all my kids and I know that they have to lead their own life, but I do miss my grandkids. I now realize what it must have been like for my parents when we moved to Canada from Scotland. As we get older I think we look back at something in a different manner.
      Vera, I loved your story.
      I am sorry to be rambling on your page Ican, but I feel for you. I think after a wedding or big event there is always a bit of a downer, and then to have this happen to your daughter. All I can do is say a prayer for you and your family.

    • #9669
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      I wrote an update, but it was lost. I’ll write later. Things have gone from bad to worse. Wanted to gamble so bad today. I didn’t, so that is one good thing I can say about today. Also, it was a beautiful fall day, and I took a nice walk. Now. I’m going to make chili for tomorrow and then go to book club. Times like these I really need to be with my girlfriends. I wish my daughter had girlfriends close by. She is really in a bad way. And a mother can only do so much.

    • #9670
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      The update: Daughter called in sick to work on Monday. We thought, ok, we’ll let her take the day off. Monday night we told her she needed to go to work on Tuesday. She agreed and off to work she went Tuesday morning. She called me Tuesday afternoon and told me she was on her way home and that she had quit her job!!! That girl is going to be the death of me.

      Last night was a nice Halloween. Family and friends for dinner. Trick-or-treaters. Husband and I and the kids dressed up and handed out candy.

      We put the cottage up for sale yesterday. We simply cannot afford to keep it any longer and have not been able to for a long time. Such a wonderful piece of lakefront property. Beautiful woods and a river. Been in our family since I was 16. It has a beautiful stone archway built in the late 1800’s . I enjoy driving through it every time. So hard to give it up. My husband was very upset after talking to the realtor.

      I am looking forward to better days ahead.

    • #9671
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      Ican sorry that you are having such a tough time with everything lately, but WTG on not gambling in October!!!! I had to go way back to find your page so I thought I should bring you up to the top again!!! Life seems to keep throwing challenges and some times we feel as if it is one thing after the other. I know that I sometimes want to go gambling just to escape, but I know that I will feel worse if I do. The gambling does not make anything go away, whatever was bothering us is still there after we have been gambling. Plus we also feel worse because we gambled and lost more money!!! I find that when I come here and read the posts of some that are excited about things that are happening in their life really give me a lift. It is wonderful to hear how well they are doing and how much they are getting on with life. All any of us can do is take it one day at a time. I like Debs suggestion about turning the music up loud and I find it helps me!!! As a parent we always feel for our kids and I know that I want to take all their pain away, but that is not life. I hope that your daughter is doing a bit better. Keep posting Ican!!!

    • #9672
      ready2change
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi ican just thought i would pop in and say hello hope alls well with you

    • #9673
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi there I can i hope you are finding those better days today…

      P

    • #9674
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      I just read your post on the November ODAAT and what an awesome upbeat post you wrote. It is so true we have so much to be thankful for and we need to focus on that. I know that you are probably hurting for your daughter right now as I know that I did when my daughter broke up with her boyfriend. You just want to take away their pain, but we can’t. It sounds as if your daughter is slowly starting to come round though. It is amazing how we want our kids to have perfect life’s and not to be hurt, but it is realizing that it is not in our control and accepting that. This post is as much for me as you Ican because as I am typing I realized that I can’t control things and it is accepting that. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and better to eat too much turkey than feed those machines!!!! Have a great day!!!

    • #9675
      desdemona
      Συμμετέχων

      Dear (((icandothis)))! It sounds like you have had lots of challenges of late, and you have managed them brilliantly. It is so true that when our kids hurt, we hurt for them. Better to find out a partner isn’t for us sooner than later. We’ve all had our hearts broken, some of us more than once, and we do recover, and it does make it stronger eventually. Your daughter’s heart will heal and she will be happy again. Take care of yourself and your recovery, because it’s all we have. Carole

    • #9676
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi there just wondering how its all going, how is it going with the sale of the cottage, i really hope things are working out for you. Hope also that things are going well for your daughter and improving. Just really wishing you good thoughts for the day today and wanted to say hello and that i am thinking of you at this time from far across the sea..

      P

    • #9677
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      I am just wondering how things are going for you. I hope that your daughter is feeling a bit better. Relationships are so challenging and when our kids are in pain we ache for them. Life can be difficult and then add the gambling addiction it is unbearable. I think when we start playing those machines it is fun and exciting and we innocently think we have found a fun activity…. wow how fast that changes!!!! We can’t change the fact that we are CG’s and always will be. I know I would sometimes love to run away to play machines and not think about anything, but then it just adds to whatever I was running from in the first place… escaping from reality. Wow, sorry I did not mean to be so pessimistic on your page. Wishing you are “happy gamble free day”!!!!

    • #9678
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks so much, Cat, Carole, and P. Quite a busy weekend. Thanksgiving, football, tree hunting and decorating the house, packing up my daughters things and moving her to her new apartment. She now lives one hour away and will start her new job tomorrow. Her apartment is great, and with the help of my son and DIL, she is quite settled in. Pictures on the walls and everything. Hubby and I are home, just finished eating more Thanksgiving leftovers and are exhausted from the long weekend.
      Remember I was upset that she quit her last job. On the ride home, my DIL told me that my daughter had to call her previous boss and wake him up each morning. Also, that shortly before she quit, he had asked her to cut up his lunch for him. That just disgusts me and makes me so angry. Why doesn’t she tell me these things? We would have so supported her decision to quit. Also, we entertained a friend she met on this job this weekend. She was also young and very nice looking. I asked my daughter if most of his employees were young, good-looking females. She said yes. As it is we ended up supporting her decision. But we didn’t understand it. I also feel a little guilty that, even though we didn’t know the details, we didn’t trust her judgment. This really has been a lesson on trust and letting go!
      I pray she likes this new job and that she is treated with the respect she deserves. I hope she is ok tonight all alone in her new apartment.

    • #9679
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi Ican, so nice to see your post. I forget that it’s the US Thanksgiving as the Canadian Thanksgiving was a couple of weeks ago. It is tough to let our kids go, but it sounds as if your daughter knows what she is doing. Is this the first time that she has lived away from home on her own. If so it will probably take her a little while to adjust, but it will be good for her.
      You should take time for you now Ican and do what you want. I don’t know why, but all of a sudden Sherry came into my head. I wonder how she is doing. I find it tough sometimes as you get to know and connect with people here, and then we don’t hear from them. Take care Ican and WTG on November gamble free!!!!

    • #9680
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      time for me, means gambling and drinking.

    • #9681
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      It sounds as if you are struggling right now. I am trying to find the right words to say to help you. I know you have been through so much and busy helping your daughter. Quite often when we have been dealing with tough times, not gambling, but other things in life we end up gambling, just to escape. I know that you know what to do, and that gambling is not the answer. Plan to have a gamble free day as you know you can do that. You can do it Ican and have faith in yourself!!!!

    • #9682
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Im just doing some morning posting and i wanted to say that i hope that you are ok today… are you ok I can?
      we are here for you

      P

    • #9683
      desdemona
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi (((icandothis)))! I can relate to what you said about time for you means gambling. I don’t drink so can’t relate to that aspect. The truth is that gambling isn’t fun or a relax time once we’ve crossed that line and become compulsive gamblers. We sit down at a machine and then it starts taking one bill after another and our hope is that the machine will give us back what we walked in with, and what we’ve taken out from the ATM. Sadly, that seldom happens and on the rare occasion it does, we don’t stop gambling until we have no more access to cash. And then it’s the negative thoughts and feelings we have after the episode, and the renewed thoughts of going gambling again the next day to recoup our losses and win some money. We all know what happens the next day, and the day after……….It’s a gradual process but if we keep working at it, time for us starts involving sleeping enough, going to the movies, buying ourselves clothes, spending time with people that we care about, going for a mani/pedi, etc. I used to be able to find an excuse that sounded plausible for me and that justified my slips. I’ve gambled and searched my mind for something that happened that I could excuse my gambling. I started living in my truth and had to accept that I gambled because I wanted to. Gambling is not an escape; it is a cunning disease that will rob us of everything we hold dear, unless we keep working at recovery. My recovery has been far from perfect, but I’m still here fighting on for almost the past 3 years. You can do it!! Wishing you a gamble free day! Carole

    • #9684
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Hello, Thank you all for your support. I am doing ok. It’s amazing how 3 hours of gambling can really wreak havoc on our lives. 3 hours out of 3 months. I have been so busy. I make Christmas gifts to sell. I have also been training for a part-time job that begins in January. My daughter is doing great. She loves her job and has even been out on a date or two. The kids are coming tomorrow and we will celebrate Christmas early, as my son will be with the in-laws Christmas day and Christmas Eve. Hubby and I have been on shaky ground. Lots of stress. I don’t know…maybe the empty nest thing just doesn’t work very well for us. We’ll see. Today, I want to make the best of today. Grocery shopping, maybe a little more gift shopping, solstice party…if I don’t get back here, may the spirit of the season be with you all.

    • #9685
      desdemona
      Συμμετέχων

      Dear (((icandothis)))! First of all congratulations on all your gamble free days. I like that you said that you want to make the best of today, and that you’re not letting three hours of gambling define who you are. That’s the best thing a person can do is forgive themselves and move forward. Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a very happy New Year. Carole

    • #9686
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thank you, Carole and Vera. So nice to hear from you! Very strange Christmas. We celebrated Christmas with kids on Saturday and we were hit with a huge ice storm. We lost power and didn’t get it back until Christmas day! Christmas miracle. We did ok…gas fireplace, lots of candles, grilling food outside. Mere inconvenience. For my 97 1/2 year-old MIL it was another story. Her assisted living facility had to be evacuated. She had to be moved by ambulance to a nearby nursing home. Maybe it was the stress of the move, but she seems to have had a stroke and doesn’t recognize anyone. Very stressful holiday, especially for my husband. We are having a snowstorm this morning. the ice is still on the trees! now the snow is adding even more weight to the branches. So many trees and branches down already! I hope a tree doesn’t fall on our house and we keep our electricity! The urges have been incredible during all of this. thinking there would be lots of lights and warmth you know where! I have thought many times…what kind of recovery is this when I know I will gamble again? I have been planning on it. Sorry, just being honest. But, today, I will not. I will cherish this day and treat is as a gift. Enjoy the warmth, my Christmas lights, my family, and my HOT cup of coffee!

    • #9687
      desdemona
      Συμμετέχων

      Dear (((icandothis)))! I saw on the news that due to ice storms and flooding that certain geographical areas like Ontario, New Brunswick, the UK, and France, had caused power outages for thousands of people. Several deaths had been reported due to carbon monoxide poisoning. I’m so sorry to hear about your mother-in-law possibly having had a stroke. That has to be very stressful for the family. And I do hope that you get to keep your power. And I do hope that for today you don’t gamble. What need would you be hoping you would fill by gambling?? Carole

    • #9688
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      We still have power! Many still do not. Carole, that is a great question. Yesterday, I wanted to gamble so bad. So snarly! I wanted my husband to offer to take me. He didn’t. There is always that let down after Christmas. We used to always take a vacation between Christmas and New Years. Since I was a teacher, this was the perfect time to do so. Before gambling was a problem, my husband would take me somewhere where I could gamble then he would join me and we would go to dinner and stay at a nice hotel. Gambling was a problem…we were both just in denial. Anyway, yesterday, I wanted him to suggest we go… he didn’t. I felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t gamble. He suggested something totally different. I wasn’t thrilled. I just wanted him to take me gambling. He wouldn’t do it. I hated that gambling could never work in our lives again. We ended up having a wonderful day doing something totally different. The need was a day off! Today there is relief. Relief without guilt, without loss…We have needs and that is ok…they need to be filled, but they just can’t be filled by gambling…challenging, but not impossible

    • #9689
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi I can, i can relate to you wanting to gamble like that, i have nearly lost my mind the last few weeks with urges to gamble. They hit very hard and were very intense and just wouldnt leave my mind, but look what has happened, we have both come out having not gambled. Wow. Thats wonderful

      P

    • #9690
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Hello Everyone, What a bizarre holiday season. About a week after the ice storm, we had a huge snow storm with frigid temperatures followed two days later by temperatures in the 50s! My mother-in-law never did recover. She passed away Saturday. I am physically exhausted and emotionally drained. Tomorrow is the visitation and Wednesday is the funeral. I haven’t gambled, but it has crossed my mind about a million times!

    • #9691
      desdemona
      Συμμετέχων

      Dear (((icandothis)))! I am so sorry to hear of your mother-in-law’s passing. Thank you for sharing that with us. Just do the best you can to get through this very trying time. Your poor husband having to deal with his mother’s death! I’m here for emotional support for you (((icandothis))). Carole

    • #9692
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      Ican so sorry to hear that your mother-in-law passed away. You really have been having a challenging time lately. This is an emotional time for you so keep posting to help get through this. Remember to take it one day at a time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    • #9693
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      I am sorry for the loss of your mother in law… I can you are doing well not to gamble.. hang in there and use this support here, we are here for you.. your global gt family… reach out and a hand will be there somewhere round the globe

      P

    • #9694
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thank you, Carole, Cat, P, and Vera! It was a wonderful service. So many family and friends came to pay tribute to the 97 years of her very well-lived life! After the service, my husband’s family came to our house and we celebrated her life with food, wine, laughter, tears, and dancing. I absolutely adore my husband’s family! Today, I am just sad. Gambling thoughts and urges are huge. I spent the day putting Christmas decorations away. My husband won’t be home for another hour, so I am going to sit by the fire and journal.

    • #9695
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Things have been kind of crazy for the last 2 months. I feel like the New Year is just starting. So, I am sitting here thinking of resolutions. Some of you might remember that last year I kind of went overboard with this. Setting myself up for failure. This year I am keeping it simple. I realize that I set these goals because I want to feel better about myself. Even the goal of not gambling. If I can just stop gambling for X amount of time, then I will like myself more and begin to feel better about myself. This year my resolution is to feel better about myself, to like myself, to just feel better…no matter what! Anything I decide to do or not do is going to have to come from that place. I am going to start there and see what happens. Each day will be an opportunity to let go of the things I didn’t do yesterday, to any bad feelings I might have…to like myself just because I have the opportunity to do so. As someone here said…simple doesn’t mean it is easy to do (something like that) I have been practicing NOT liking myself for 56 years. It’s not really working out that well for me.

    • #9696
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      …and so, we must ask ourselves each day…What is it that I value the most…and then act accordingly.

    • #9697
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      Hi. Icandothis. Thank you for your post on my thread. You describe not stopping gambling in the past despite the heavy snowfall. It is a good picture to hold on to. An avalanche falling, and everyone running for dear life, except for us Cgs who continue to tap on our machines despite the fact we might well be smothered by the snow. Reading over your recent posts, icandothis, and thinking what a fulfilling life you have with your beautiful son and daughter, and of course daughter inlaw. I was thinking how fortunate you are to have met your soul mate, someone who loves you and appreciates you, and whose family obviously think the world of you. Then I got to the end of your thread and you say you don’t like yourself. I wish I could purchase what it is all those people see in you, put it in a bottle and you could spray it on you daily. You are a caring mother, a loving wife, a welcoming inlaw. I think I have covered most of the important people in your life . Icandothis I think you should start a new thread and pick one of these people each day and write what it is they like about you!! I am sure you will have quite a list of virtues !!

    • #9698
      ready2change
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi Ican sorry to hear about your mother in law 97 she must of been a great woman! Hope your doing well thanks for your ongoing support means a lot!

    • #9699
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      (((Sad))) That was the sweetest post!!! I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have given me lots to think about. I have so many incredible people in my life, so I must have done something right! I am at a loss for words at the moment, so I will just leave it at that. You are a blessing!
      R2C, You are also a blessing and have been a great support to me as well! We are all in this together!

    • #9700
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      A positive change in my life this year is that I have started a part-time job. I work for an organization that serves senior citizens. They hired me because of my background taking care of my mom, and also my friend recommended me. The woman I spend time with is 86, has dementia and other health issues. I was concerned that I would have a hard time emotionally because of my experience with my mom. Honestly, I was thinking, “I don’t even like old people. I like children. What am I doing?” I have almost been a recluse during the day since my mom died, so I knew I had to do something. Also, we need the money.
      So far, things are working out quite well! The woman I spend time with is a delightful woman. So kind and appreciative. So what do we do? Monday and Friday I get her up, get her breakfast, then we go to Jazzercise and out to lunch. She pays for my jazzercise and lunch, and the organization pays me for the time I spend with her. Wednesday we go country line dancing, which she also pays for. It’s a really tough job! lol Getting out of the house 3 times a week is a lifesaver for me in so many ways. One being that there are three days each week that I cannot gamble!

    • #9701
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Vera, So nice to hear from you. I have been thinking about you and sending you prayers, as I know others are doing also. It’s funny you answered this post because I have often thought, “Vera would love working for this organization, and she would be perfect!” Most of the employees are retired, and just want to help other seniors. Most don’t need the added bonus of a little extra income, but I really appreciate it!
      It is different than it was with my mom because I am not the caregiver. I am a friend, and I can provide something that the family cannot. I understand that, and it feels good!
      Don’t be a stranger, Vera. I miss you!

    • #9702
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi all, I haven’t posted in a while, but I have been reading some posts. Lurking in the background. February I did gamble. Won, won and then lost. Grateful that I didn’t take money from our joint savings or checking though, and I still believe that 2014 is going to be a good year. I can’t believe how that gambling has stirred up the desire to continue to gamble. I think about it all the time. I haven’t gambled this week, and I hope that the urges will begin to lessen. I am working on staying positive and making positive changes in my life. Baby steps…like right now I am sipping on my morning green smoothy of spinach, romaine lettuce, celery, 1/2 pear…yum, yum! lol
      My son and DIL leave for London tomorrow where they will be living for 2 years. They have been coming over for dinner quite a bit these last couple of weeks. We are trying to get our fill of them and they are getting their fill of my home cooking. My husband and I will miss them both like crazy!

    • #9703
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Just wanted to check in. Missing my kids. Work was cancelled because of a snow day. This has been a brutal winter. I have been using this day to think about my recovery and try to process things. Not having a lot of success. I don’t really understand it myself. So many aspects to it all, and so many things that I am recovering from, and so many self-improvements I am trying to make. There does seem to be a subtle shift. I think it is the fact that I am beginning to accept myself for who I am and where I am at on this journey. I realize that I can’t possibly make all the changes I would like. And, why would I want to? Then I would be done! lol So I am trying to accept each day as it enfolds and move on and look to tomorrow as another day to begin again. I find that every day I can find something to beat myself up about and that has been what I have usually done in the past, whether I have gambled or not. I am working to change that pattern because it has been very destructive. I try to begin each day telling myself that things always have a way of working out for the best and that my life is changing for the better. It sounds corny, but when I begin to FEEL better, life just begins to get better. The trick is to feel better when I don’t think there is any reason to feel good. The truth is everyone can find something in their lives to feel good about or bad about. It just depends on which you want to focus upon. The good or the bad. I am trying to find something to feel good about, no matter what. Thank God for my cute, little white dog! lol
      Many on this site have suffered a great deal, I am not in any way underestimating how cruel, difficult, and challenging life can be. My prayers go out to anyone who is suffering today. I guess today I am feeling more positive and I am enjoying the gift of a gamble-free day. I wish the same for all of you!

    • #9704
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      xxoo

    • #9705
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi there
      I hope that you are feeling ok now.. recovery has its ups and downs and its quiet here sometimes and busy others.. maybe you could come into the group chats sometimes. That way we can get to talk.
      I haven’t been around a little while had crazy urges and life was just busy.. back now again.. hopping you feel uplifted soon

      p

    • #9706
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      I hope you feel okay now. I have to say that GT is much quieter than it was when I started recovery in June, 2011. I don’t post nearly as much as I did. A number of the “old gang” no longer post. In fact sometimes I feel it is “eerily quiet” here, but that is comparing it to how it used to be. I don’t tend to go to the chats/groups but I believe that a number of people do. Personally, I don’t think that there is the same sense of community here that there used to be. I think some of the changes they have made has had an impact. The first change was not allowing UK Residents to be members here, unless they have been a resident of the GM Centre. We lost so many of the “old gang” when that happened. Also some of the North America people left and joined Gam Talk. Then the change of the website caused quite a bit of confusion. I find that I don’t post on the new members pages, which is terrible as I know it was such a life saver for me when I first started. One day at a time is all we can do.

    • #9707
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      How are you today I can.. just wondering how things are for you and whats happening in your world today. I hope you are feeling ok and that life is good. Maybe come to chat some day for a chat.

      P

    • #9708
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Hey I can just wondering how things are going for you lately.. I’ve been having some urges lately that just won’t let up.
      Hope all is well for you and that you are ok and hope to see you again soon

      P

    • #9709
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi I can, Thank you for your post. While reading it, I thought about how much our Mother’s are alike. She was supportive when my Husband was ill but after he died, it was like she resented me. I didn’t want to think that she was jealous of me, but I think she is!!! She is never happy for me. So, I don’t tell her much about my plans, trips, or my life as I feel let down every time I do. Yes, our relationship has changed!!! I agree with you in that I share my feelings and happy thoughts with people who really care, my Daughters and Grandson. It is sad but that’s the way it is. Thanks again for the post as it helps knowing that someone else is experiencing what I am. Sometimes it is hard for me to wrap my head around it as I love my kids unconditionally and all I want for them is to be happy. I won’t let someone take my happiness away from me. Thanks again. Take care.

    • #9710
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Day 1. So many thoughts. So little I am able to articulate right now.
      I think I need to change my name from “I can” to “I can’t”. It isn’t because right now I don’t feel like I can do this, even though that is how I feel, but I think it is finally sinking in to my thick skull that I CAN’T gamble. Ever! …and even now, with all the pain…I still hate the fact that I can’t gamble. But, at least for today, I accept it. Right now, I am “recovering” from last night and morning…it was an all-nighter. I want to stop “recovering” and be “in” recovery. Once and for all…all in!

    • #9711
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      Ican don’t give up and don’t think you can’t. If you think you can or think you cant you are right!!! We do the self talk in our mind like the little engine that could. If you are telling yourself you cant then you are convincing yourself that way, if you are telling yourself you can then you are convincing yourself you can. I wonder if I have totally confused you and myself with all that!!! Ican keep going don’t focus on counting days just commit to not gambling today. I know I could never think about not playing those machines again, but I just focus on not playing them today!!! Plan something special for yourself to do, to give your brain a different focus. Yes you can!!!

    • #9712
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      Ican come and post and let us know how you are doing. What can we do to support and help you. What can you do to help and support yourself.

    • #9713
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      (((Cat))) It was a rough week. Vacation. Not a very good one. I thought about posting about the why’s, but I decided to move on instead. I tend to believe I am the victim and feel put upon…which I use as an excuse to gamble. Yesterday, I went to the bank and paid back my losses. So grateful to be able to do that and I still have a bit in savings. Will focus on taking one day at a time.

    • #9714
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      (((Vera))), (((Cat))) not too much to tell. Took care of my daughter’s dog last week. Very disappointed that I couldn’t go anywhere. I really felt that I just had to get out of the house. Not much an excuse, is it? Financially, things have not been devastating. I am very grateful for that, even though I couldn’t let myself end up a winner. Just couldn’t do that. I find it very disturbing that the last two times I have gambled, I didn’t come home until the wee hours of the night. I just couldn’t walk out. It is so damaging.

    • #9715
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      Hi Icandothis . Thank you for your post on my thread. I am finding it very difficult to postal the moment. I read you have been struggling recently…so have I . Actually less struggling than actively gambling. I hope you are winning the battle today. Rem you can lose several little battles and still win the war!!

    • #9716
      desdemona
      Συμμετέχων

      Dear (((Ican)))! It seems that many of us old-timers are struggling these days. I thought I had lost my chance at recovery recently because I had several days of uncontrolled gambling, and just couldn’t seem to stop. I took a couple steps to restricting my access to gambling money which has helped me tremendously. I closed my personal account and gave up carrying a debit card. As Vera often says, “no money equals no gambling!” I also told my husband about a $2,000 cheque I would be receiving. For me it’s a lot about having barriers, and some accountability for money I withdraw from our joint account. Danny has learned how to go online now to check our account as some guy at work taught him how! Sometimes there are barriers right in front of us that our brain won’t let us think about, because the addiction wants to survive. Are there any barriers you could put in that could remind your thoughts/urges to gamble, that you don’t have access to gambling money? One day at a time! Carole

    • #9717
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      Hi Ican, hope things are going well for you, and that you are winning the battle

    • #9718
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      Hey Ican

      Just reading through a few threads and am sorry to see you’ve had a bad time of it recently. I read on one of your posts that you had said you should change your username to I can’t do this!

      I’m sure we’ve all been in the position when we’ve all felt like that however it just isn’t true, you can do this and so can every other CG. We all have to bite the bullet sooner or later and say “enough is enough” and then start to move forward through life.

      The more we gambling the bigger the mess is that we have to deal with but by stopping gambling slowly but surely we can begin to reduce the mess and at least without gambling we can begin to think straight.

      It may seem daunting a life without gambling, but that doesn’t merit worrying about. A day without gambling is a different proposition, you can get through a day without it because you’ve done that many times over.

      I hope you are having a gamble free day today, and if not try asking yourself why. Its taken me over a year to get back into recovery I know its not easy, but it is possible. Yesterday and all the days before that are history, there may be consequences of history that need to be dealt with and that’s unfortunate, however today can be a real gift it you choose to spend it wisely.

      Take care.

      Geordie.

    • #9719
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      The thing about crossroads is, that they present us with a choice. You can choose the right way to turn, just for today make the right choice.

      I suppose its very true about the shame and the lies. But you can turn that into pride; Pride that at last you’ve made the right choice and that is nothing to feel shamed about.

      You used to gamble in a shameful way Ican. There’s no need to do so today. Keep your chin up. You can do this.

      Geordie.

    • #9720
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Just got back from a Kentucky Derby Party. Close friends, good food, Mint Juleps, lots of laughter. I wore a floppy hat decorated with pink tulle. Also, wrapped myself in pink tulle. Lots and lots of pink tulle. lol

    • #9721
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks Geordie. You’re right about crossroads. What direction I take is my choice. Different choices could mean new possibilities. This crossroads could be “Possibility Junction”!
      It’s been one week since my big fall. These last few months, winning made it so easy to lie to myself. Things have been going well in general and I have been happy…or maybe that was just another lie I was telling myself. I think I have held myself apart from this site and recovery because I know that deep down I really don’t want to quit. I have tried to get to that place this week because I know that would be a good place to start, but I just can’t get there. Then, I think that I am just a big fake because I can say I won’t gamble today, but in three months when I get away with my girlfriends, I am thinking about and planning to do just that. So, what do I do now? I look at the past. Face it honestly. Don’t want to keep repeating something that isn’t working. Stop thinking ahead to where an opportunity will lend itself (and it always will), and I believe that I will not be able to stop myself.
      I have to stop looking at my past failures and stop looking at the future as a time when I will eventually fail again.
      Today I will make the right choice because it doesn’t matter whether I want to go or I don’t or whether I would win or lose, or I’ll just gamble sometime in the future. Today is what matters, and today, I CAN DO IT. Today, you can, too! Enjoy!

    • #9722
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      Ican before I ever come to GT I stopped gambling so many times and I was going to go once a week, once a month, or when I was on a trip or something as I did not want to stop or give-up gambling. I would panic at the thought of never playing my machines again. I registered on GT one day and the following week I went crazy gambling. I was in panic mode about never playing my machines again. I am a work in progress and will continue to be for the rest of my life. I also understand that it does not matter how much gamble free time any of us have, as just like that I could be back sitting at a machine in the blink of an eye.
      My husband and I went out for lunch today and I went to the washroom, and lo and behold, I see there is a bar/lounge area with vlt’s, and there is a woman at a cash machine drawing out cash and I thought that could be me. It is very very hard to accept that I can’t play those machines again as I am a compulsive gambler. I don’t think that way though as I would probably panic and go running to play a machine. I just know that for today I do not plan on gambling. I also know that I can’t plan to go a month from now, as if I went just once I would be back to square one, as nothing would have changed no matter how much I want it to change. God grant me the serenity to accept that things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Ican what is past is gone, but you can commit to taking it one day at a time. Wishing you a gamble free day.

    • #9723
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks, Cat. The last time I gambled I was like a crazy person. It seemed as though everyone was enjoying themselves and winning but me. Just an illusion.
      I am truly realizing the power of that prayer. I didn’t gamble today. Tomorrow I will pledge to do the same…and I won’t worry about the next day until it comes.

    • #9724
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Vera, When I woke up this morning. Day off…nice day for a drive…could go gamble. Thoughts…just thoughts…I’m not really liking recovery right now. Right now, I don’t like that I can’t gamble.
      Thinking of my relationship with cooking. Didn’t really like that much either. Didn’t really have a choice…had to do it. I hated that I had to do it, and I hated doing it. My mom loved to cook. She would read cookbooks like other people read novels. I borrowed one of her Bon Appetit magazines and tried a recipe from the “too busy to cook” section. It wasn’t too hard and my husband really liked it. It didn’t happen overnight, but I was hooked. I now have every issue of Bon Appetit magazine since 1989, and I love to cook…well, most of the time. lol I still keep it simple and make easy recipes that taste good. My husband likes to join in…he is better at timing than I am, and we tend to do our own thing and experiment more than I used to. I don’t know exactly where I am going with this, but…
      Recovery…One Day at a Time…is all we can do. Who knows, perhaps someday, we may even like it! lol

    • #9725
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      My last…and with the grace of God…the very last…time I gambled was two Sunday’s ago, April 27. Last Sunday, I went for a bike ride with my husband and then out for a burger and a beer. May is gamble-free and more importantly, today I am not going to gamble.
      I think we can fall in love with recovery, Vera, but it won’t happen unless we give ourselves a gamble-free-day today.
      I couldn’t believe that I started this thread one year ago. What a disaster! Can’t fall in love with recovery, if you’re not even dating! lol
      Oh, the days rolled by. They will always roll on whether we recover or not, whether we gamble or not…the days will always roll on. The question is what are we going to do today so that another year doesn’t roll by and we still haven’t found our way onto recovery road, Vera?
      I like the idea of having a love affair with recovery, but I have always been a slow mover! That’s ok because one day at a time works well in this case. lol You are right, hope does spring eternal. Spring has sprung and love is in the air!

    • #9726
      peacegirl
      Συμμετέχων

      I just read all your posts Ican, and I am only 2 days into not gambling again after a 2 months gamble free time.. I blew it this past weekend and went crazy like you stated you did in April I believe and I spent so much money and time and it was a marathon, and when I was out of money I drove all the way home, got more and went and did more.. It was horrible and I lost so much money it wasn’t even real! I thought 2 months ago when I lost thousands at one sitting and I banned myself from that particular casino that I was in the clear! Wrong, I just drove a little further to a casino I didn’t even care for,and went nuts for no reason either, I was doing well and enjoying life again and well I blew it big time. Today I self banned from the whole state, all the casinos.. It was hard because as you said I think wow I can’t gamble, yes we really do “think” we like it! But the truth is it’s horrible, terrible and to me disgusting of a place to be! Yet there we sit in front of our machines, or others who play cards or whatever and we get lost! Now I have to face the music again. I like that you got a part time job, I think I need to do something for myself, not just work in our family business all the time,but do something for me too! Anyway, I understand how you feel and I wish you the best and I am right there with you. I’m just hanging on for dear life hoping I won’t ever find a place to gamble again.

    • #9727
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      Hi Ican, I love cookery programmes and recipes but never seem to do anything as my mind is too consumed with gambling or not gambling.. Can’t wait for my mind be free …so I can actually cook. Hang in there. You are doing great

    • #9728
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      Hi Ican, I love cookery programmes and recipes but never seem to do anything as my mind is too consumed with gambling or not gambling.. Can’t wait for my mind be free …so I can actually cook. Hang in there. You are doing great

    • #9729
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      I am absolutely exhausted. In a good way. A busy weekend. Today a full day’s work. Cooking dinner for hubby. He is on the phone with his boss. Poor man. He takes so much abuse. I think I am caught up reading most posts. Sorry I haven’t responded. Hope to have a catch-up day tomorrow. You are all in my prayers. Having thoughts of gambling. Tomorrow, a day off is always a trigger. But won’t do it. Don’t want to go there. Hubby is off the phone. Seems to be in a good mood.

    • #9730
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Went to the bank today. Transferred $400 from my savings to our joint checking account. My way of paying my husband back for my gambling losses. I have been putting this off. I have nothing in savings now. I guess we all know why I wanted to keep that little stash for myself. I still owe him $300, which is about what my next paycheck will be. I only get paid once a month. My impatience to build up my savings with winnings in addition to what I was earning, was a huge trigger for me. There was only one reason I wanted my own savings. Actually, having my own savings is a huge trigger for me. I wanted my own money to gamble with. I am quite depressed about all of this, but I guess knowledge is power. I am not going to have my own savings anymore. It’s too much of a temptation…my husband has always been ok with me having my own savings in the past, as it used to help pay for family activities. When I started working in January, I thought I could save to help pay for some of the home improvements we have been working on. I almost had enough for a new couch. I have decided that instead of saving for anything, I will take my paychecks and use them directly to help pay off our credit card debt. The money I earn is not my money. It is our money. It may only be a small drop in the bucket, but at least from now on it will be dropped in the right bucket!

    • #9731
      peacegirl
      Συμμετέχων

      Ican, I have my own accounts too- but when I gamble I gamble huge amounts I took forever to save and it’s just so horrible! I think it’s better in some ways to not have our own money, so that we can’t have that as even an option! It’s terrible how many of us are wiping out our savings and things we worked so hard for in just one or several gambling visits or over time slowly, it’s so hard to recover! Anyway, I am right there with you, I wish I had a way to poof, just make money quickly so I could build up that savings- but that is how our minds get messed up and we gamble! We have to just go the regular pace and make it as we go..Hang in there!

    • #9732
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      3:30 am and not sleeping. I made it through yesterday. We went to our great niece’s soccer game and then out for a bite to eat. Nice, normal activities. Hoping to wake up energized and ready to…I am not sure…anything but gamble!

    • #9733
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Thank you for your post. I feel the same way as you stated on my thread. There have been times that I haven’t posted something good as I didn’t want to seem insensitive when someone else is having a hard time. But you are right. We are to support each other in good and bad times. When I am having a bad day it lifts my spirits when I read something happy that someone has posted. Have a great day

    • #9734
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Great to see you giving recovery a go too.. I’m back but very very hard time right now.. but i just gotta keep trying, whats the alternative.. never want to feel this again.. thanks for posting to me too by the way and one day at a time is all we have really.. just for this day..

      P

    • #9735
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Feeling sure of my commitment to recovery this morning, sure I will not miss gambling…at least not much… that I wanted to quit more than ever before. and then…I received a picture message from my girlfriend who is in Vegas with her daughter. She is sitting in front of a slot machine in the picture. She has a great job. Been one of my gambling buddies when we go out of town. Just gambles a bit. I have watched her stop when her money runs out. No garbage around going from time to time. Do I sound jealous? Because I am! I hate that I can’t be like her when it comes to gambling. I really do! This morning I was mad at myself. Now I’m just mad!

    • #9736
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Life is starting to lighten up again. Had a wonderful weekend. Visited my daughter. Visited with my niece on my husband’s side as we watched my great niece’s softball game. We all went out for an early dinner and then went out for drinks after with my daughter and her friends. This afternoon we rode bikes and went to an art fair. Just finished skyping with my son and daughter-in-law. Now it’s time to relax and watch the movie”Sense and Sensibility” in front of the fire. Yes, it is still cold enough for an indoor fire! It will be an early evening for us, as we are very tired!

    • #9737
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      ican, I am so happy that you had a good weekend. You deserve it!! Wow, I can’t even think about a indoor fire. I have had my ceiling fans going but I haven’t turned on the air conditioner yet!!! I think that I will watch a movie and relax too!

    • #9738
      peacegirl
      Συμμετέχων

      Wish I could relax myself a little and even just forgive myself for my big gambling binge 2 weeks ago, but I am not there yet where I feel better enough to even let myself off the hook in a tiny way! I am glad you are having a great weekend ican! Just keep going, ODAAT..

    • #9739
      peacegirl
      Συμμετέχων

      Wish I could relax myself a little and even just forgive myself for my big gambling binge 2 weeks ago, but I am not there yet where I feel better enough to even let myself off the hook in a tiny way! I am glad you are having a great weekend ican! Just keep going, ODAAT..

    • #9740
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Day 1…again!

    • #9741
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Ican, You came right back and acknowledged that you gambled. I think that it shows strength and fortitude. Forgive yourself and move on. Maybe you could think about what triggered you to gamble. I know that has helped me in the past when I had gambling slips. Stay strong!!!

    • #9742
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      (((Ican))) I am not going to sugar coat it as I know I hated Day 1 and God knows I had enough of them. I am going to suggest that rather than count days that you just focus on today. It does not matter what day you are on as long as it is a gamble free day!!! I want you to get a calendar and every day you do not gamble then put a nice bright tick on it, or a happy face. If you do gamble put an Black X on it. It was Carole that suggested this to me, and you know it helped me so much as when I was struggling and I would look at how many gamble free days I had in comparison to gamble days, it helped give me incentive to keep going. Don’t look back ICan you are not going that way, you are moving forward one day at a time!!! I did the Calendar thing for over a year and I still have it. At first there was no months without some black X’s on it. I found it tough to get through a month without gambling, but slowly one day at a time I got through a month. I also used it as a way of saying to myself, look how many days you did not gamble!!! We have a tendency to only think about the days we gambled so put the focus on the days you did not gamble. I know that I was near the end of the month once and I fought so hard not to gamble so I could have no black Xs on that month. There were other months that I had a black X on the 2nd of the month, but at the end of the month I would count my gamble free days and give myself a pat on the back!!!
      Please repeat after me I can do it, I can do it, I can do it!!! Have a wonderful gamble free day and be kind to yourself!!!

    • #9743
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      I am sending you a Happy Face Ican to remember to put on your Calendar :):) I would have a little ritual at the beginning of the day, where I would get my Calendar and put my bright green colour on the previous day and say I did not gamble. I loved to see the bright green days shining in my calendar. I would then make a commitment that I did not plan on gambling that day. It is one day at a time. Have a wonderful gamble free day!!!

    • #9744
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      I hate these days after. It doesn’t matter what is going on in your life, you just feel numb. This last weekend was devastating in so many ways. At the beginning of the year, I was so excited to be able to earn my own money. I have nothing to show for it. Still more loss. Trying to forgive myself and move on. Things have been strained around here with my husband, but tonight we had a talk about things. It is very hard for us to talk about my gambling. Tomorrow, we are going away to celebrate my birthday. I so wanted to have a gamble-free May, so I could really enjoy myself. I am trying to look at this weekend, my birthday, as a new beginning, a time to start over. I will be 57 and I was born in 1957, so maybe that is a good omen. My husband made all the plans for this weekend, which is so sweet, and not typical of him. I am going to try to put this behind us and do everything I can to show my gratitude. All I keep thinking is that I don’t deserve this. It is so hard for me to forgive myself for what I have done to us.

    • #9745
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      (((Ican))) you can’t change what happened, it’s in the past. Don’t look back unless it is to learn from the past, but also don’t beat yourself up as it does not help you moving forward. Happy Birthday and that is so wonderful that your husband has organized such a wonderful birthday for you. I wish I was a young as you LOL I turned 62 last month and I am still working. I do enjoy my job though and I am concerned about not working and not being challenged. I am a bit of a workaholic and it is amazing how our identity can all be intertwined with our jobs. I know that I will have to be really careful when I retire as I know that having too much time on my hands is not a good thing. I will take it one day at a time though and not worry about it as that does not achieve anything. I will just bury my head in the sand LOL
      Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy yourself!!!!

    • #9746
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Happy Birthday!!! I was born in 1957, my birthday is at the end of the year. Enjoy your time with your Husband this weekend. Put the past behind you and move forward. Take this weekend to relax and make new beginnings.

    • #9747
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Happy birthday i can and i hope that you are able to let go of the past.. i am finding it extremely difficult to do on this day one of mine.. can only keep trying.. hope your day was a good one

      P

    • #9748
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi ICAN, Thanks for your post. I am happy that you had a good birthday. Remember that we can’t change the past only the future. Let go of the your last gamble and learn from it and move on!!! Don’t keep beating yourself up!! We learn from our mistakes. Take care.

    • #9749
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      This month is going by at a snail’s pace! I really want my 57th year to be gamble-free.
      So confident June 1, but my confidence has faded.
      So out of control in other areas of my life. Wondering if it is worth it. I don’t gamble and yet fail in other areas of my life. Always something for me to fall short on. I think there will always be something I will be addicted to.
      I can’t find the words right now.

    • #9750
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thank you so much, Vera. Just the words I needed this morning. I am feeling better today. I think I tend to put pressure on myself with recovery. Thinking I can change myself, and then falling short. Things are going really quite well in my life right now. And as we all know, that can change in a drop of a hat. So I will make the best of today. —– my blessings, indeed. Accept myself as I am. Be grateful. Be patient. Say a prayer for Ken and his family and all those who are grieving. The last couple of days have not been my finest. They are in the past, and today I am working on letting them go. Last night we ordered in Chinese food. My fortune said…All you have is today…there is no such thing as yesterday or tomorrow.
      Signs, signs everywhere the signs!!!
      My prayer for everyone’s today…Forget yesterday, stop worrying about tomorrow, and enjoy today!

    • #9751
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      These days off are the most difficult. Too much freedom. Lots of unhealthy thoughts. It is so hard when we wake up and face the damage that we have done. It doesn’t help to beat myself up, but it is hard not to. I wish I could erase this past year…the past ten years…and start again. I like what Lorraine said about the journey, so I won’t worry about beginning again, I will continue on with my recovery journey. Doing the best I can just for today.
      I am working on not being afraid of the future and to stop fretting about our finances. I must have faith that everything will work out. I am determined to stop gambling, but when I look ahead or begin thinking about the machines, my confidence waivers. I have to stop thinking about those machines! One month, one year begins with today because that is all I have to think about. Time will take care of the rest. I can take today off, relax and do whatever I need to do for my recovery. Or I could choose to gamble. Run myself ragged. Loose the money I take with me. then run to the ATM and max out there. Then get a cash advance from our credit card. then come home in the middle of the night. Face my husband and all the damage done. Cry over a bottle of wine. Hate myself once again for my stupidity and my belief that I can never change. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? Today will be what it is, but it will not be a repeat of one of my gambling nightmares.

    • #9752
      jackwilson
      Συμμετέχων

      “I wish I could erase this past year…the past ten years…and start again.”

      I spend so much time thinking this exact phrase. I’m ashamed of my past and want to completely erase it out of memory. I often think about the person that I would be if I had not gambled. Then I catch myself that this is not productive thinking. I still have a full life ahead of me. All I can do is not gamble one day at a time and everything else will be a walk in the park compared to that.

      Good luck with your recovery and please try to let go of the past. I will also try to heed my own advice.

    • #9753
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      How you going.. just wanted to come say hi and see how things are.. i hope you are going ok and we all understand the madness.. its taken me many years and im only few weeks in now but i feel that surrender… its not easy we all find it different ways and different times.. when we are sick and tired and had enough. Its really hard to figure out and i will never figure it out… its the strangest thing this addiction isnt it, how it takes over, its like being someone possessed.. i just hope you are doing well today and if not there is a new day to start fresh and give it a go… its never too late.

      P

    • #9754
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thank you, Vera and P! I feel like I am at that point of surrender, also, P! I pray that it we are all at that point. Things have been going quite well for me lately, and then I found out last night that my husband’s job is on the line once again. He has been fired from his last 3 jobs. He is very good at what he does, but he is in sales, and it is very tough. In fact, the first job he lost, he was the most successful salesman they had. The problem was that they didn’t want to pay him his commission, so they let him go. That company is in business today only because of my husband’s sales. He told me a month ago that even though he was making his quota, his company wanted new sales. He had been working for some time on something new. A 1.8 million dollar sale. And he got it! that is until last night we found out his client had to do something different. Circumstances totally beyond my husband’s control. He is devastated. He feels like a loser. Apologizing to me. I am the one who is the loser, and I have been apologizing to him. I feel even worse about my gambling. The two of us are a sorry lot. We are both so weary after all we have been through the last 5 years. I see how defeated he is and it breaks my heart. Thank you for listening. Sorry to be all doom and gloom. Tomorrow will be a brighter day. The one thing I do know is that we will hang on tight to one another, and that is a blessing that trumps everything else!

    • #9755
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      Ican WTG that you have all those green $$$ signs on your calendar for June!!!! You have been having a challenging time with your husband and his job and yet you managed to achieve a month free of gambling. I am not saying that you will gamble, but it’s important to keep putting the green $$$ on every gamble free day. I know for me it was a visual thing. I know I had black X’s on some months, but I started to focus more on the green signs. So super excited and proud of you!!!

    • #9756
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks, Cat. July is not going well. 3 black X’s.
      I miss being somebody I liked. I miss being sure of things. there is no peace in being unsure of everything all the time. I miss looking forward to the future. I miss being a part of what’s happening in my children’s lives. I miss that and just being part of what’s happening. I miss feeling needed. I miss my life. I miss myself.

    • #9757
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi ICAN, I know it is hard to feel unsure of things in your life. I have been there and it is overwhelming. I hope you find peace. One day at a time! It will be alright. We all have each other’s support. Stay strong!!

    • #9758
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      ICan – can you see how many more dollar signs there are in comparison to “X’s” You have done great. It took me a while to start to look on the positive, but I got there eventually, and then it helped to keep me from giving in to my thoughts/urges.
      You sound as if you are going through empty nest syndrome, and it’s not easy, as I know that I did. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for some of us. I think because our kids always came first in our lives so we did not think about ourselves, and then they are gone and we feel lost. I think we need to change our thinking and think it is okay to put “me” first!!!! Ican, it’s one day at a time!!! Good days, bad days we can get through one day. I am feeling a bit blah myself so I am sorry that I am not cheerier for you. You are doing awesome with all those $ signs!!! It made me go look at my calendar and one month I had 7 “X’s” on and the next I had none. Keep fighting those urges Ican, you can do it :):)

    • #9759
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks, Lizbeth and Cat. I am feeling better today. Monday night when I got home, I got caught up on reading posts. I found exactly what I needed to hear in those posts. In particular, Carole’s words to P and Harry’s words to Jackwilson. In the past, I have always thought of each slip as a failure. Worse, I think of myself as a failure. And looked at trying to start over each time as a failure trying not to fail once again. Not a pretty picture, and not a healthy way to live one’s life. From now on, I am going to look at the big picture. Recovery, like life, is a journey, not a destination. This time, I will learn from my mistakes. I know exactly why I gambled. I knew I was vulnerable, and I didn’t put up the barriers I needed. I also wanted to gamble, and was planning on doing so. Then, the floodgates were open, and I didn’t have the strength to resist. I will do everything in my power not to let this happen again. If I feel I don’t have the power, I will put up every barrier I can. The problem with barriers is that you don’t put them up, if you want to gamble, so I will find a way to put them up ahead of time. I have work to do, but I am determined and will make a plan. Also, I am going to continue to work on recovery. Living a more healthy, happy lifestyle. Committed to creating more pleasure in my life and less pain. Breaking the old patterns of seeking pleasure that are harmful. I followed my old pattern which let me directly to the casino. It is so ingrained, it was almost automatic. It won’t be easy, but I am not a slave to these old patterns. I can change them one choice at a time.
      Also, Cat. Yesterday, I put the X’s and $’s on my calendar. that also helped me to begin looking at the big picture. I thought an X would do me in, but I am looking forward to seeing those $’s again and moving forward with my recovery.
      I am very grateful for this site. Don’t underestimate the positive effect of your posts. Even the negative ones. lol As Lizbeth said, we all have each other’s support. And for that I am very grateful.

    • #9760
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Our daughter-in-law is coming today for a visit!!! So excited to see her. She is here from London, as she was in a wedding this weekend in her hometown. She will be here later today and will spend the night with us. My daughter is coming home, also. I can’t write much. My husband is busy with preparations and I need to join him. I haven’t seen him work this hard around the house in a long time! Our little Queen of England is coming home!

    • #9761
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Last night was so special. It seemed as though our DIL had never left. Just like old times, except my son wasn’t here. Friends of my DIL stopped by and then stayed all night. I think they really miss my son and DIL, too! Good thing I always cook lots of food. My DIL and I went out to lunch this afternoon and now she is gone. Feeling low. Having a hard time not thinking about gambling. I have to realize that it is only natural to feel like this. Her short visit makes me miss her and my son more than ever. We have been looking forward to seeing her for so long and now she is already gone again. I think I’ll just take it easy tonight. These low feelings will pass.

    • #9762
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi I can
      Keep hanging in there and get busy.. as soon as you get thoughts of gambling start doing something else, distract yourself and in a while the urges will be gone.. the good thing is urges always fade if we give them time.. i know how hard it is.. hang in there

      P

    • #9763
      cat438
      Συμμετέχων

      Ican in some ways you remind me of me. It sounds as if you are missing your kids and being part of their life. I think that my kids were the main focus of my life and it is hard to all of a sudden make a life for myself. My life was never about what I wanted, it was what my kids and hubby wanted. I would never make a decision based on what I wanted, it was what everyone else wanted. I am working on making decisions based on what I want and not feeling guilty. I can tell you it is a challenge for me. It was almost as if I did not count. Why don’t you put away any amount that you can, especially if you are thinking of gambling, put the money somewhere you cant touch it. Why don’t you think about what Vera asked, can you take a trip to England? Can you imagine the fun you would have planning to do something like that. That would be your focus to keep you away from gambling. You would be thinking of your trip. You deserve to have something like that to focus on. I hope that we have planted a seed that grows into a trip of a life-time for you Ican. Our son, dil and grandkids are coming in August for a visit and I am super excited, but I know that I will be so down when they leave. I know that I will need to focus on our next visit to them to get me through. Ican is going to London to visit the Queen!!!! You can do it and you deserve it. It’s much better to spend your money on a trip than gamble it away. One day at a time Ican!!!!

    • #9764
      Screwball
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi ican, thanks for your post, I have not read all of your recovery as of yet but plan to over the coming week, just wanted to share my support to you, I find the low times are best spent in places like here, writing your thoughts to be able to find answers to them, when you see it in black & white and not just in your head they seam easier to cope with, hope to read you have taken a few more steps along this great journey we have all set out on. Keep strong and smile, the world will smile back.

    • #9765
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi all, I have wanted to post, but I just have a hard time with the words. Recovery is a puzzle, but the pieces seem to be falling into place. I haven’t gambled since the weekend of the 4th, but I just can’t seem to imagine myself gamble-free. In the meantime, I am enjoying life and trying to focus on other things that I can look forward to.

    • #9766
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      ICAN, Congrads on your gamble free time!! Keep on enjoying life. Take care.

    • #9767
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      ICAN, Congrads on your gamble free time!! Keep on enjoying life. Take care.

    • #9768
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      ICAN, Congrads on your gamble free time!! Keep on enjoying life. Take care.

    • #9769
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Vera, I don’t think we’re “pregnant” in the pre-gamble stage…no new life, creation, nothing growing, nothing sacred or beautiful on the way. It’s more like filling ourselves with hot air, and when we “pop” we’re left with nothing.
      However, I was looking at my stomach earlier today and I do believe there might be something growing in there!!! lol
      My husband and I will be on vacation next week. I have talked to him tonight, and we have eliminated my “free” time, and therefore my opportunity to gamble. This eliminates the stress and worry. I do feel relief, but I have to admit, I also feel disappointment, too. I’ll get over it. This just might be the first “relaxing” vacation I have had in years.

    • #9770
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Ican, thank you for your post! Have a wonderful vacation.

    • #9771
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      Ican, I hope you have good news to share with us soon. Well done on staying gamble free. Please share all the tips you have on staying away from gambling.i am on day two after a wee slip two days ago but feeling really positive.

    • #9772
      velvet
      Συντονιστής

      Hi Ican
      When you cannot imagine yourself as gamble-free, take a look in the mirror and tell the person you see that you she is gamble-free – I think you will like the reflection and maybe realise that the person looking back at you is someone very special who needs the confidence to believe in herself. Enjoy your relaxing vacation.
      Velvet

    • #9773
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      I hope the vacation is going well. Looking forward to hearing about it when you get back

      P

    • #9774
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thank you, P, Velvet, Sad, Lizbeth. Back from vacation and trying to regroup. It was a wonderful vacation. But, like my recovery journey, far from perfect. Monday, I threw my back out and was in pain for the rest of the week. Still hurting! Slowly but surely feeling better. Slowly but surely working on recovery! Moving forward one baby step at a time!

    • #9775
      charles
      Συντονιστής

      Hi Ican, glad you had a good vacation, apart from the back of course. Well done on gettig back into your non gambling routines, one day at a time.

    • #9776
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thank you, Charles. I do think it is easier for me when I have more routine in my life. It’s funny you mention getting back into my non gambling routines, because I have been working on creating new, healthy and productive daily routines or habits. Not that successfully. lol But it is hard to get back into the swing of things after a vacation. And, there is so much going on in the summer that it distracts me. Which is a good thing because it distracts me from gambling thoughts also. I am going to keep plugging along. The truth is I haven’t had any desires, dreams, goals or ambitions for myself in years. Gambling took over all of that. So, now I am kind of flailing about. But I am holding on to the thought that anything’s possible. For now, I am trying to anchor myself into my life as it is, and working to create and accept new things into it. I want a life that is so full that I can’t imagine wanting to waste any of my precious time or money sitting in front of a machine! I guess that’s the work of recovery. So, today, I’ll focus on those non gambling routines.
      Thanks for your support, Charles!

    • #9777
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      ICAN, How is your back??? I loved your post as I can relate so much to it. When we gamble we do give up our dreams, goals, and ambitions. It is hard to get all of these back but we can!!! Keep focusing on these things like you are instead of gambling. Anything is possible!!! Take care.

    • #9778
      charles
      Συντονιστής

      It is hard to get back into the swing of things, that’s why i said it. 😉 At GA I have known a lot of people who have had a holiday and unfortunately slip back into older, less healthy routines when they get back. Well done on staying focussed.

    • #9779
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Well i can i loved that post…i can see the change in it and its fantastic that you are thinking of other things to put into your days.. its a challenge.. the simple thing of putting routine into our day can sometimes be quite difficult.. totally get what you mean.. when gambling everything goes out the window, no desire for anything else but sitting in front of that machine…

      P

    • #9780
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      I would like to say all is well, but it is not. How many times does it take??? Can I ever get it right??? Is there hope??? I am holding on to just a glimmer.

    • #9781
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Vera, I couldn’t find your thread to post to you. I wanted to congratulate you on your five weeks one day early. I did see several threads that you posted for other people. I so appreciate your support. I am struggling with what to say about my recovery. After all this time, what recovery? Day 2. We all know what that feels like. I have been on a road to self-destruction, not just with gambling, but with other areas of my life. I do not have a lot of faith in my ability to change, but at the same time, I know that if I can’t change, I will self-destruct in some way. What a waste of a perfectly good life! Why do I insist on living this way? You are right, Vera, it is just too much…

    • #9782
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Do you know what, i know you are seeing you in a negative light but i see it as so positive, do you know why? because you are here.. not there gambling.. its day 2 for you, its better than day 1 its better than being out there, keep on trying just keep on getting back up.. I’ve done the falling off the wagon and getting back on for five years, the ones who dont get back up stay out there and you are here.. so congrats on posting again, contrats on day 2 because i know how much of an accomplishment that is after a binge.. post more, chat more, just keep going

      P

    • #9783
      charles
      Συντονιστής

      Keep posting Ican, if you gamble post of course but just as importantly keep posting and talking when you are not gambling. We all need support to stop gambling of course – then it’s important to keep using that support in order to maintain recovery. Maybe see you in some of the groups as well.

    • #9784
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks so much Vera, P, and Charles. Charles, on day 1, I was going to commit to posting on a daily basis because I really want to be accountable. I, of course, did not because I have a hard time commiting to anything. I have had a hard time getting into groups and stopped trying. Something I can also work on. I stop posting because I am gambling, but also because I think I give it to much thought and worry about what I am saying. Also, I become compulsive about signing in to this site and reading posts.
      At this point, I would have to say I am feeling after all this time here, that I haven’t been very successful. I am not trying to put myself down, it’s just the way I feel. I am starting to think too much again. So, for today, I will pledge to try to post something each day, even if it is a hello or one small thought about my recovery or just recovery in general.

    • #9785
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      Thank u for r ur encouraging post on my thread Ican. Only sixteen days ago I was exactly where you are. I felt there was little hope of e ever stopping . Then I cut up the cards, locked my phone, and somehow I have over two weeks behind me. The groups have really helped . It might have taken months but eventually Charles and Harry s insistence that unless I make some changes, ie, put barriers in place, nothing will change. Ican try to get to the groups, post lots but don’t put yourself under pressure to do so every day. I also am a little addicted to Checking this site. It’s harmless , free and ok!!!
      It would be nice to see you post more often. Many of us on here have had many day ones and day twos. But for many of us we stopped having them because we stopped gambling. This is u on your way. Who needs the worry, stress and sleepless nights? You are nearly half way through a full week so hang in there!

    • #9786
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Ican, thanks for your post on my thread. Please keep posting, if just to tell us how your day is going and what you are doing. Posting here has help me get through a lot, not just my gambling issues. I guess that is why I keep posting as I feel like we all are a family and I like to keep in touch with all. Hang in there. One day at a time!

    • #9787
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Walked up to this crowded bar. The bar kind of looked like a roulette table. Some man said something to me about being there before. I told him that I had never been there before. He told me he thought I had been there several times and others at the bar agreed I had been there several times also. They said I never came to the bar. I just snuck past the bar and then rushed directly to the back. I realized then that that was where the slot machines were. I thought to myself, since they all recognize me, I am going to sneak out of here and then never come back to this place. As I got up to leave, someone said, “oh no, you don’t” They grabbed me and put handcuffs on me and also handcuffed me to two other people whom I didn’t know. Then I woke up.
      This dream would make more sense if I was barred from casinos, but I am not. Anyway, still feeling quite stressed after my last gamble, which I pray to God is my last gamble!

    • #9788
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      Hi Ican, I so identify with the stress. I suppose your dream is telling you that you are strong enough to make the right choice. You will make the right choice Ican. You know the drill. Make sure your barriers are high . Find other things to do. Take time to think through to the usual end.. The miserable, stressful, sickening end where you have no money, can’t sleep and feel like a trapped animal (handcuffed). You deserve peace , happiness and financial security Ican. You will make it.. I am sure you will

    • #9789
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      The gig is up. No more sneaking in and then out without getting caught…trapped…unable to leave. I hope I never forget the image in my dream of me trying to quietly sneak out and then being grabbed and handcuffed. Once I walk in, there is no escape.
      There are times when I am playing a machine, I know things are not going well. But, I can’t make myself leave…I willingly handcuff myself to that machine. I literally cannot get myself out of that chair until there is nothing left to put into the machine.
      Definition of addiction..something that has more power over your behavior than you do.
      I know if I go back, I will never have control/power over my behavior. It’s just the way it is.
      This feels like a big ahah moment for me. Duh, I know. lol But, now recovery means doing whatever needs to be done so that no matter what comes my way…come Hell or High Water…I must not enter a casino.
      I know it also means taking my power back and then redirecting it.
      All in good time, all in good time.

    • #9790
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Awesome post ican! I would have never believed that (something) GAMBLING would get a hold of me!!! It is such a strong addiction and so hard to break. We must always be aware of where it will take us. I try not to become complacent as I know how easy it is to fall prey to it. Keep thinking those thoughts, especially when you are having urges. One day at a time!

    • #9791
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      2 weeks and seems like an eternity. I just got back from a long weekend with my high school girlfriends. Stayed at my friends’ parents’ condo in Florida. Got a taste of living the good life. Almost like a fantasy. So much opulence. I have to admit, I loved it, and am thinking I could get used to it! lol Looking around me at all the beauty, it was easy to forget my troubles, and it seemed as if all was well with the world. At least until we turned on the late night news. lol
      There were three of us. Best friends in high school, 40 years ago. We talked nonstop, and I mean nonstop for 3 1/2 days. We did something else that I haven’t done in a long time…we laughed and laughed and laughed.
      Although I felt as if I were in a dreamland, I felt something I haven’t felt in a long time…I felt normal.
      Now that I am home, I am having urges. I won’t give in.
      It’s hard to explain, but I loved seeing the mansions. I loved seeing how these rich people lived and I loved being part of it, even if it was only for a few days and in my imagination.
      At the same time, it made me realize that I can’t waste another penny. It made me ask what makes my life rich. What really matters to me? I am not jealous of rich people. Rich people are nice. Laughter is the best medicine. Girls (even old girls like me) just want to have fun!
      Living the good life is a choice and it is free!

    • #9792
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks for checking in on me, Vera. You are right, I do have a great life at home…WHEN I DON’T GAMBLE. I can’t believe after only 3 weeks, I am having thoughts of gambling. The time to stop them is now. I keep telling myself that this is it this time. this is when recovery sticks and I stick with my commitment not to gamble again. Luckily for me, I have been so busy since Florida. We had a family wedding last weekend on my husband’s side. So beautiful and so much fun! My hubby and I danced and danced and danced…not really with each other. lol He loves to dance with all the ladies, and I just assume dance by myself. It works out quite well! lol
      I have 3 very good friends who are struggling with cancer, particularly this week. Surgery, chemo and radiation. I feel so bad for all of them, but it feels good to want to be present to help them out or even to just let them know I am thinking of them. Gambling made me such a bad friend. Today I can take the time to do something nice for my dear friends. Gambling won’t take that away from me…not today!

    • #9793
      izzi25
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi beautiful,

      I remember you! wow so good to see you back onto the road of recovery. You can do this, have always ALWAYS believed in you. Inside you is the strength 🙂

      I am rooting you on babe.

      One day at a time together.

    • #9794
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Good to hear from you, Izzi. We share a not so pleasant past, but I am looking forward to sharing better days…the brighter side of recovery with one another. After all this time that you have been away, I am a little sad to be saying that I am only on week 3. But I do believe if we work on recovery long enough, eventually something clicks. I hold on to the thought that even if I have slipped and fallen along the way, I am better off than I was before I joined you all on this road to recovery. So here I am, and here I will stay. Oops, I just remembered that I committed to writing something on my thread every day. I haven’t been doing that. I have to be careful about making little promises that I don’t keep because I tend to beat myself up about them if I don’t follow through, and I usually don’t follow through. Especially important today, as I am enjoying a lazy morning and I am trying to get myself committed to some healthy habits. Consistency is not one of my virtues. It’s more like I consistently break my good habits and consistently continue my bad ones. Yikes! I do have work to do! I keep looking at the clock and thinking “get going” But, I also need to say, “forgive yourself. You deserve a day off, a day to focus on recovery, a day to strengthen my resolve…which has been shaky since my trip to Florida, you don’t want to gamble today, which is a good thing.”
      Wait a minute! Am I feeling guilty about a day spent focusing on recovery??? I think I am!!! To be continued…

    • #9795
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      Hi Ican, reading your post It occurs to me u are quite hard on yourself!! ONLY WEEK THREE??? There are so many people on here would love to reach day 3 never mind week 3!! I am certainly someone who has struggled often to get a day 3!! So look in the mirror and say well done me!!

      I found some free online hypnosis good for urges Ican ! I used Elronn ferguson hypnosis for addiction and did it everyday for a few weeks. Now the urges are more like fleeting thoughts. When they get stronger I spend half an hour with Elronn!!

      I would really like if you could write a post of all the things that you feel are very positive about you! Look how u care for your friend!! So there I’ve challenged you. Next post : ten positive things about ICan!!
      Keep strong .. U are doing really great!!

    • #9796
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      I SAW HIM FIRST!!! Lol
      U about ?? Come into topic group!!

    • #9797
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      Hi Ican. Hope you are having a nice weekend! Reading your posts I could write a hundred positive things about u! Things u reveal without realising… So here’s ten to start you off!!
      1. I form long term friendships and am valued as a friend
      2. I am happy for others when they do well in life
      3. I am a caring person and want to be here for my friends when they need me
      4. I have created a happy home life
      5. I have made members of my extended family so welcome that my daughter in law spends the night with us even when my son is not with her!
      6. My husband thinks I am amazing
      7. I am a good and creative cook an enjoy trying out new recipes
      8 I love my kids and always drop everything when they need support, and they love me!
      9. I am working hard to overcome a very difficult addiction
      10. I offer support to others in overcoming their addiction to gambling!!

      Hope u like them!!

    • #9798
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Congrats on your gamble free time.. wow 3 weeks to me was very very hard to get when i came back from relapse, i understand how hard it is so a big congratulations to you and i hope that you are having a good day today.. maybe you could come to the group chat some times.. its really great to meet up with all our friends here and talk in a private space..

      P

    • #9799
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Tomorrow is 5 weeks. I have been so busy. This busyness makes me want to gamble. Doesn’t make sense. My computer broke down last week. Haven’t been able to post. Using my husband’s computer. We have spent so much money this month. But, not one penny spent on gambling. The urges have been huge lately. I think, “I haven’t gambled, but there are all these other expenses that come up. What is the point to not gambling, we will never make progress.” The difference is that I can take my husband’s hand and say, “this is destiny and we can face it together and work together to change things” Instead of continuing to choose something that chooses his destiny and says, “I will keep doing something that hurts you, me and our future together.”

    • #9800
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      So many unexpected expenses this month. At least gambling has not added to the damage. I remember those feelings of despair when these expenses would come up after I had already gambled and my husband wasn’t aware of the damage that was already done. I would just feel sick. I don’t want to dwell on the past, but I do need to remind myself of that sick feeling and the fact that I no longer want to feel that way.
      I did have a sick feeling today when my husband called me and asked me if I had paid the gym $16,000. I had paid the bill online and I guess I missed a period…meant to enter $160.00 Oops!!! Things were straightened out, but that could have been a costly typo! lol

    • #9801
      maverick.
      Συμμετέχων

      Icandothis,

      Just been reading through your journal and wanted to wish you well, I hope life is treating you fair and stick with it, as I am sure you well know as the gamble free days add up life gets better………..haven’t got the energy tonight for ten positive things but having said that one good thing about you……..you are here sharing, caring, helping, being honest, fighting to overcome your addiction and doing the right thing to working your way to a happier life without all the grief and suffering gambling causes us and our loved ones.

      Just one thing I need to say Ican………………………..at that price I never want to use your gym………….

      Take care and wish you all the very best in the world.

      Maverick

    • #9802
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      OMG, Lee. So good to hear from you again. I have spent the last 1/2 hour looking for your old thread, so I could respond to you on it and bring it back up to the top. I finally found it on page 20, but it wouldn’t let me make a comment. So, I guess it will be up to you to start your old thread up again or start a new one. In one of your posts you said that we can’t do recovery alone. We are here for you.
      I also was reminded of the time you started a thread for me to encourage me to come back and continue with my recovery. So sweet. I saw how I quit my thread when I was discouraged. I am not going to do that again. This is it for me. My recovery road has been bumpy, very bumpy, but I am not giving up. I think something has clicked for me. I think it has to do with thinking at the beginning of this year that things would be better. It would be different. But it wasn’t because I wasn’t different. I now am working on changing myself and also accepting the changes in my life. The hardest thing for me is to accept the fact that I can’t gamble and I will never be able to do so again. I don’t know if I will ever get there. So I am just trying to live my life one day at a time, and focusing on how much better every thing is when I don’t gamble. Enough about me…Welcome back!
      Ok, not enough about me. About that $16,000…Last night we had friends over, and we told them the story. We all had a good laugh about it…we laughed quite a bit, as I served my famous and very potent Witches’ Punch. lol I am thinking this morning how good it felt to laugh about our finances. I wasn’t sorry or ashamed. As I told my friends, “It was a simple mistake, I simply missed a period.” I am also thinking about another story, one that has been repeated several times through the years. The one where the man’s wife goes to the casino. She intends to spend $100, but she makes a mistake and spends $1000 instead. This story isn’t funny, not funny at all!!! Quite tragic, really!

    • #9803
      micky
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi ican just been reading through your journal and it’s cheered me up quite alot reading how you have bounced back and are into week 5. Thank you for posting. Micky.:)

    • #9804
      micky
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi Ican i like that recovery road 🙂 Thanks for the words of encouragement on my thread it means alot . Micky.

    • #9805
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      My job is getting complicated. The woman I am a companion to can no longer do jazzercise or line dancing. I need to work on finding other activities that we can do together. That was a great set-up for me.
      My husband wants me for something or another. I’ll write more later.

    • #9806
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      So, on Monday, my companion/friend wasn’t feeling well. Her back was hurting. I decided to skip jazzercise and I brought her to my house. We watched Call the Midwives and we ate my leftover cream of chicken soup. She seemed ok. I had a heating pad on her back and massaged it. I took her home. When we were in her driveway, her eyes rolled back in her head. She just stared past me and then collapsed in the front seat of the car. I ran in the house and called for her SIL and told him to call 911…thank God he was home. He came outside and tried to get her into the house. She vomited and vomited. then collapsed in the driveway…I will never make that cream of chicken soup again! When he saw for himself how bad she was, he called 911. Just me, my unconscious friend, and my cream of chicken soup.
      The paramedics were great. We ended up in emergency.
      I have to go again…there is something wrong with my dog. I’ll write more later…
      to make a long story short, my friend is ok. She is in the hospital with a kidney infection and perhaps something wrong abdominally.
      Now, I have no idea what is wrong with my dog!

    • #9807
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      I hope things are going ok for you and that you are gamble free.. also wishing your friend to have improved and hope your dog is ok now too.. lets know how you are going

      P

    • #9808
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks Vera and P, My dog is fine, but our carpets, which we recently had cleaned, are now a mess! Dogs!!!
      I haven’t seen my friend or worked since her episode last Monday. Her daughter has not been very good about keeping me posted. I have been struggling this last week. I think it’s because I hate when things are up in the air. Feeling like my life is on hold. Worrying about my friend. Not knowing what to expect when I do see her, and wondering what activities we can do together, now that jazzercise is no longer an option. Yesterday, I got a call from someone from jazzercise wondering where we were, and if we were coming back. It made me realize how much I would miss it and the people I have gotten to know there. I guess I hate when my life changes and I have no control over what is happening. I know this is a trigger for me, as it was in the past with my parents’ illnesses, and the changes it caused to my lifestyle. Also, the anxiety of worrying she might have another episode while I am with her, and also I have been thinking a lot about my mom. Worrying about my friend in general since she is 87 years old, and I have come to love her and care about her very much.
      This has helped to get these thoughts down. I have been working on being more open to change, and I know there are things in life that we have no control over…that’s life!..God help me to accept it all!!! Serenity Prayer.
      This morning I was on my way to work to visit my friend, when her daughter texted me saying her mother wasn’t up to a visit today. I had planned to take her to a movie.
      All dressed and ready to go…where do you think I then thought about driving that car???
      Thought about it, but thought I would drive home first, clean the dishes from last night, and call my husband. He told me he would see me later, as he was coming home to see the contractor. (Our living room is leaking, again!)
      Saved by the contractor!!! No gambling today!!!

    • #9809
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi Ican, I hope your friend is feeling better. It was good that she was with you at the time of her collapse and not alone. I am sure that everything will be alright. I understand your anxiety and worry when things don’t go right in your life, things that we can’t control. I get the same way but I try to hand it over to God. I am glad that you went home instead of gambling. Give yourself kudos for that. Take care and have a awesome gamble free day!

    • #9810
      kpat
      Συμμετέχων

      Thank you for your upbeat post on my thread. Am in total understanding about the dog vs. Carpet issue. Our poor dog is so old my livingroom stinks terribly! I sometimes forget just how bad it is until my sister comes over to remind me:)
      Families are good for things like that….(telling me my dog stinks :))
      I hope you get back to jazzercise soon. That sound like a lot of fun.

    • #9811
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      All dressed and nowhere to go again this morning. I even washed and styled my hair! My friend is still not up to a visit. This is not helping my finances. My December paycheck is going to be very small. I did have a nice talk with my friend’s daughter this morning. She told me how much her mom likes me and how the family really appreciates my visits with their mom. Her mother is slowly coming around. So, maybe, Wednesday.
      Once, again, the temptation is to put my coat on and head to the casino. Husband thinks I’m working and won’t call me.
      I think my laziness is helping me and so I’m going to just sit here in my warm house for a while and do nothing. Maybe, just maybe, I am beginning to care about the way I feel. I know the damage that a rash decision will make. I have to admit, I have been thinking about gambling a lot lately. Not the entire event, just the machines I enjoyed playing. This, I know is dangerous. I need to stop those thoughts right away. Stop allowing myself to think about the games. Instead, I need to think about how I want to feel at the end of the day. Unless, I come home with a million dollars, I know that I will feel really rotten.
      The November pledge is helping me since I feel a little added pressure, since I am the one who started it this month. lol
      Actually, that fact saved me Saturday. My husband and I were at the trailer. He was watching football, lots of football. I didn’t have much to do. I thought about going to the casino, I thought about it a lot, which was only 15 minutes away. I shared the fact that I was having urges with my husband, which helped. He gave me a hug…then went back to watching football. lol Then, I thought about having to tell you all about my slip. So, I poured myself a glass of wine and started a book my girlfriend gave me. We cooked a delicious dinner, and then we ate it while we both watched football together. It ended up being a lovely evening. But, I started out so restless. I see this as a trigger…my inability to just relax, and my restlessness when I am not busy, which seems funny to say since right now I don’t want to get busy at all! I can’t figure me out! Oh well, thanks to this site, I got through the weekend gamble free and today I am going to stay put.
      I am so grateful that I do not have to walk down recovery road alone. Blessings to you all!

    • #9812
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Well done on getting through the urges i totally relate to the restlessness etc.. i go through that too. It might be the chemicals even the thought of gambling can set off in us and just the addiction wanting a feed so we feel unsettled.
      Well done on starting that November thread too, i did join it today. It does help to be accountable each day. thats why i post here so often too. Why dont you try a group chat here one time..

      P

    • #9813
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      Hi Ican, well done on resisting temptation! Sounds like you’re making lots of progress. Hope your friend is well soon . Enjoyed catching up on your thread!

    • #9814
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      I need to get busy getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner. We are having a small gathering. Today is my son’s birthday. I am really missing him and my DIL. They are not coming home for Christmas as planned. I am not going to focus on that. Instead, I am counting my blessings, and my son is one of the biggest in my life, and he has been since he was born.
      I am going to stop there because I am about to start boasting. lol
      Happy Thanksgiving to all of you in the USA. I saw a sign on a nearby church that read…Thanksgiving is not just a day, it’s a lifestyle. I really liked that, so today, as I clean my house, I am going to give thanks for every dirty thing in it!

    • #9815
      kpat
      Συμμετέχων

      Happy Thanksgiving!

    • #9816
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Turkey is ready to put in the oven. Potatoes, green beans, pumpkin pie, too. Yams, dressing/stuffing, cranberry sauce on its way. One friend and two dogs are a no-show. Will miss the friend, but not the two dogs! This is going to be a great Thanksgiving! Counting my blessings. Not the biggest, but right up on top of my list…no gambling in November!

    • #9817
      kpat
      Συμμετέχων

      My children were laughing at me and it’s your fault!!! 🙂
      I was walking through the house this morning and picking up all the mess. Sayingthanks as I was working. “Thank you God for these dirty socks. Thank you God for this basket of clothes to put away. Thank you God for these shoes and these shoes that are left in the livingroom floor.” Not being sarcastic, but being truly thankful for the family and blessings that allow a mess to be created. They were smiling and laughing at my silliness. My husband looked over at our very old, very whiney dog and said “Thank you God for this whiney dog.” What a great thing you posted. I will be thankful for every dirty thing in this house!
      😉

    • #9818
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      I think it is time for me to pick up my mat and walk!

    • #9819
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      Hi Ican, sounds like you had a lovely Thanksgiving. You have done really well resisting those urges, especially when you could have easily covered up! Well done Ican !

    • #9820
      kpat
      Συμμετέχων

      Sending up prayers for you. That big fat zero in savings glares at me everytime I check the banking. In fact there is some rather big spaces in my jewelry box and my husbands retirement account is at half mast. We did up real good (sarcasm here). We messed up so bad it is sickening. The urges come anyway!
      We must press on. Press on toward the mark, day by day. Paycheck to paycheck. If we fall we will never see those zero’s turn into numbers. We will never see those spaces filled in. We will hollow out our souls at the same time. The bet is too much, the risk is too high. Reaching out my hand to you through cyberspace. We shall overcome.
      🙂

    • #9821
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks, Kpat. Yesterday was a tough day at work. My friend didn’t recognize me. She thought I was the cleaning woman. I took her to lunch, but she kept falling asleep.
      Last night, I dragged myself to a Christmas choir program that a friend of mine was in. I am glad I went. It was beautiful. There was one song in particular that spoke of healing our wounds and clarifying our souls. Brought tears to my eyes. The price of gambling has been very, very high. I am tired of paying. Time to put some balm(The song was The Balm of Gilead) on those wounds. I am going to try applying a little love and forgiveness on these wounds of mine.

    • #9822
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi Ican, Sorry to hear about your friend. You have to forgive yourself as I believe that it is the only way to move forward. Take care!!

    • #9823
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks, Kpat, Liz, and Vera. Home from my Spirituality group. I have been out the last 5 nights, and I am exhausted. This wasn’t the best of days, but at least I didn’t gamble, so there is hope for tomorrow. If I had gambled today, I know exactly how tomorrow would be. I am so glad that I didn’t gamble today, so I won’t have to live in my self-inflicted Hell tomorrow!

    • #9824
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Day 4 of the 21 day Deepak Chopkra meditation series. Since last summer when I threw my back out, I have had terrible sciatic pain. I have done some research on chakras and yoga stretches. I read that the 2nd chakra had to do with issues and worries about money. And that if you had sciatic pain is this area and had financial troubles it was no coincidence! Doesn’t surprise me! lol I have found some yoga stretches that are suppose to help with lower back pain to do while I listen to the meditations. I hope this helps. It isn’t that big of a commitment, and I think I can stick to it. Maybe counting these days will be a good distraction from counting the days since my last gamble, which some days seem like they are adding up so slowly.

    • #9825
      kpat
      Συμμετέχων

      Merry Christmas to you and your family, be blessed:)

    • #9826
      velvet
      Συντονιστής

      Dear Ican
      The days may be adding up slowly but the fact they are adding up sure sounds good to me. Perhaps it is time now to forget to count and just enjoy the feeling of being gamble-free.
      I know I have said it before but I know Ucan Ican and Uare.
      The meditation sounds wonderful
      I wish you health and peace of mind
      Velvet

    • #9827
      kpat
      Συμμετέχων

      Happy New Year, my friend:)
      Wishing you all the joy your household can hold for 2015!

    • #9828
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      I don’t think I am going to make any! I have been down in the dumps thinking about all my faults and all the things I would like to change about myself, and also thinking that I will never be able to change. I feel like I have been in a state of suspended procrastination since Christmas. I am avoiding doing what needs to get done. Just don’t feel like it. Avoiding anything unpleasant.
      Enough is enough! This is a new year. No resolutions. But I am going to try to open my heart and mind and body to trying new things. Really try to be as positive as I can. Loving more…beginning with myself. Laughing more. Trying to not take myself and my life so seriously. Try to relax and give myself a break. Of course, I want to be healthier, happier, and more prosperous. Who doesn’t? And, I know I have a lot of work to do. But, today all I want to do is accept myself as I am and start from there. What’s the point of improving ourselves if we can’t enjoy the process? For today, it’s enough that I want to continue recovery in 2015. I want that more than anything. Today I forgive myself for all the mistakes I made in 2014, and although I am quite sure I will make more in 2015, I pray that going back to gambling isn’t one of them. Which is my prayer for all of you as well
      I found this quote and wanted to share.
      “I hope that in this year to come you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re doing something . ~ Neil Garmen
      Why do we insist on making the same mistake over and over again when there are so many other mistakes we could be making??? lol So, what do you say, let’s get out there in 2015 and make some new mistakes! I know we can do it!!! lol

    • #9829
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Not a good day. I was supposed to go on a mini vacation with my girlfriends. The plan…gambling, cocktails at my friend’s, dinner and dancing at a country western bar. I had talked it over with my husband. The fact that I would gamble. He was ok with it. I go every year at this time with my friends and gambling is part of our get-away.
      I haven’t gambled in 4 months.
      Then, this morning it was canceled.
      I suggested that I go gamble anyway. He said it was ok. But, I knew it wasn’t ok. It would never be ok. And, I hate it! Anger, tears!
      Today, I hate that it will never be ok. Today, letting go stinks!
      So, went to the grocery store and now I will cook dinner. So, what else is new?

    • #9830
      kpat
      Συμμετέχων

      Four Months! Four months without gambling would be a new experience for me! Congratulations!
      I am sorry you had a bad day and it is back to the usual. I am glad you posted:)
      I have missed you!

    • #9831
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thank you, kpat,
      Today is a new day. It feels a lot like a Day 1, even though I didn’t gamble yesterday. I learned a lot yesterday. I was prepared to dig in after my trip and to continue with recovery and not gambling. What I wasn’t prepared for was how strongly I wanted to go and how disappointed I was that I wasn’t able to and how angry I was. Which I took out on my husband. Which wasn’t right at all. I am very disappointed in myself.
      Today, things are strained, but we are both being nice to each other, as we both said things we regret. Today will be spent picking up the pieces of a shattered day.
      I deleted what I said about him here last night because it simply wasn’t true. Well, maybe it was a little true. lol Still, I regret writing it, and I am grateful for the delete button, which is what I would like to do with yesterday…just delete it!

    • #9832
      kpat
      Συμμετέχων

      Missing out on a get away like that would make me sad too!
      So many spouses have no idea what or how to offer the comfort or support we need.
      You’re awesome to have cooked that dinner, I would have boycotted.

    • #9833
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks again, kpat. I think we were posting at the same time. I deleted last nights post about my husband and replaced it with something a bit more positive. This too shall pass!
      You are right about that comfort thing, but I have to say, that in his own way he does try. I give him credit for that, but he has an ego the size of Montana, and it just gets in the way sometimes. I have to admit I may have been a bit unapproachable yesterday…downright prickly! lol Anyway, like I said today is a new day. I am still in bed, and he keeps checking in on me with fresh coffee, so I am pretty sure today will be much better than yesterday. I’ve had enough drama for one weekend. I hope everyone enjoys a peaceful Sunday!

    • #9834
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      I wanted to share another dream. Kind of hard to explain, but I think I should share because I think it has helped me in my recovery.
      I had this dream shortly after my last gamble, which was in September. Just as I was waking, I saw and I think felt, this black fog leave my body. When I awoke, I immediately thought that what had left my body was my gambling addiction. I felt such relief upon awakening, but I also knew that the fog had not left completely. It was still there close to my body.
      Why do I think this dream has helped my recovery? After that dream, a subtle shift has occurred. I no longer think of the addiction as living inside me just waiting to get out, and therefore no longer feel like I might explode from trying to keep it inside. I no longer believe this is who I am. I never truly believed I could change because of this. I believed that I was a gambling addict and it was just too hard to change who I was. It also broke my heart that this is who I was, not to mention the self loathing. Changing my behavior seems much easier than changing who I am. Since then, I have read a lot about the power of our beliefs about who we are and our ability to change. Don’t get me wrong, I know that this problem has not gone away. I have a gambling problem. That black cloud is still hovering, wanting to get in. It’s still a fight, but it is no longer an inner battle.
      I have more to say about this, and I realize that it is a bit contrary to the GA approach of saying…I am a compulsive gambler. More later. I welcome your thoughts.

    • #9835
      kpat
      Συμμετέχων

      This dream sounds like something God showed you. We may be addicts, but we make all make a decision to reclaim the fog (the gambling). We can live without it. It is choice to keep partaking of the fog.
      ?????
      thank you for sharing this:)

    • #9836
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks, kpat
      I am glad that you brought this up because there is a Spiritual aspect to it all. First, I do believe that the dream was a gift from God. Then there is the belief I have that everyone has a spark of the Divine or God within us. This is what connects us to God, but also to each other. Not just our humanness, but that which is sacred in us, our divinity.
      So, this is what I hold on to…(my) our absolute goodness. It doesn’t matter what any one of us has done or hasn’t done, there is absolute Goodness within each and everyone of us. Grace.

    • #9837
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      A quote from Anthony Robbins. Relating to my dream and previous post.
      “A person who believes they have DEVELOPED A DRUG ADDICTION can clearly change. It will be difficult, but a change can be made, and it can last. Conversely, a person who believes himself to BE A DRUG ADDICT will usually return to the use of drugs even after weeks or even months of abstinence. Why? It’s because he believes that this is who he is. He doesn’t have a drug addiction; he is a drug addict. … once a person has a conviction about anything, he will ignore and even defend against any evidence that’s contrary to his belief. Unconsciously, this person will Not believe that he can change long-term, and this will control his behavior.
      In addition, there’s often a secondary gain involved in the process of maintaining this negative behavior. After all, this man can blame his addiction on something he can’t control-it’s simply “who he is”–instead of facing the reality that taking drugs is a conscious decision.”
      I just wanted to share this as food for thought. I don’t want to say too much more because I have lost it twice and do not wish to type it over again. Have a great everyone!

    • #9838
      kpat
      Συμμετέχων

      I Like his perspective. To have the best chance of success against an addiction is to truly believe we can change. I believe that I can change. I also know that I have to rely on God in me, to make that change. I don’t personally have the willpower to fight my addiction. I have to give it over, recognizing that God has the power that I lack.
      I have read and reread the 12 step approach and “higher power” for me is God and that is why I am typing His name here. I didn’t choose to beecome addicted to gambling, but once I realized I was addicted, everytime I have gambled since then has been a conciuos choice for me. Feeling compelled is no real excuse.
      I just love your posts, sorry I highjacked your thread. You really are something special. Thank You!,

    • #9839
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      Hi Ican
      I agree with that quote so much.. It reminds me of labels put on children which we no longer use, eg he is dyslexic, she is Down syndrome.. This kind of label limits our expectations of the child . Instead we now correctly say child with dyslexia, or child with Down’s syndrome etc . . It doesn’t define the child and their potential but is something they happen to have
      .
      I am going to remember this quote .
      I m not a compulsive gambler . I am a good person wih a gambling addiction.
      Thank you!!!

    • #9840
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks, Kpat. I am glad that you believe you can change because I know you can. There is a mighty power within us all!
      Sad, I am glad you got something out of that quote. Here’s a bit more.
      “The biggest challenge for someone who perceives his identity as a drug addict is: what does he change his identity to? To a “recovering drug addict”? This doesn’t change his identity; it merely describes the state he is in currently. “Drug free” doesn’t do it either, because most see it as a temporary state–and it still focuses on drugs as one way of defining oneself. When this person develops the conviction that he is absolutely clean, that he is now a…or anything else besides a “drug addict”–that’s when his behavior changes. AS WE DEVELOP NEW BELIEFS ABOUT WHO WE ARE, OUR BEHAVIOR WILL CHANGE TO SUPPORT THE NEW IDENTITY.
      The only way to create lasting change for an individual who’s been using drugs is to change his conviction from “I am a drug addict” to …or “Now I’m______” Whatever the new identity, it must be one that would not even consider the use of drugs. If drugs are offered again, his immediate response is not to evaluate whether he should use them or not, but to simply state with absolute certainty, “I’m not that kind of person. That’s who I used to be.”
      Just something more to think about. I have been sick with a cold for about a week. I called in sick again today, even though I am feeling much better. I don’t want to take any chances with the health of my 87 year-old friend. The sun is shining, the roads are clear. I have been cooped up for too long. Wouldn’t it be nice to get a way to the casino? Maybe for that person I used to be. I am not that person anymore. I wouldn’t enjoy it, besides I have plenty to get done and things to enjoy right here…
      Also, my husband’s car wouldn’t start this morning and he has my car. No transportation. Phew, did I mention barriers. Barriers are a good thing. Yes, while we are working on establishing our new identities, barriers are a very good thing. A very good thing, indeed!

    • #9841
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi I can. I believe that anyone can change if they want to and if they find the right tools to help them, whether it’s from a gambling addiction or drug addiction. I think that we get complacent and stop working on the issues that brought us to our addictions. I believe that once you stop the addiction you start feeling differently about yourself. I do believe in a higher power. This belief has helped me through many tough times in my life. I always say a prayer every morning of gratitude as I feel like I have been blessed in my life. Take care of yourself. There is a terrible cold strain going around. Family and friends have been sick for weeks with it. It is hard to get rid of. Take care.

    • #9842
      charles
      Συντονιστής

      Here’s a thought. Labeling can have good and bad consequences.

      Lets say someone is given the label of having severe learning difficulties. Now with that label might come reduced expectations, obviously a bad thing. That label will also bring more funding though, more support. A good thing.

      Personally I am happy to give myself the label of compulsive gambler. Having that label means I know i will never be able to gamble normally, that’s all. It means I use the support i need to be gamble free. I don’t even refer to myself as a recovering compulsive gambler – if I did that then one day I might think I am recovered and then why wouldn’t I gamble?

      That label doesn’t define me though, it frees me from my addiction. As Kpat has said, as soon as I knew I was a compulsive gambler it was then my responsibility as to whether I did something about it and addressed my addiction, or didn’t and continued to be controlled by it.

      I am a husband, brother, son, dog owner gardener, scuba diver, walker, good employee, football fan etc etc etc who also happens to be a compulsive gambler.

      I agree with Vera though, I can say I’m a compulsive gambler am still able to say I AM NOT A GAMBLER! 🙂

      Just my own view point that works for me. Thought I’d throw it into what is a great discussion.

    • #9843
      jansdad
      Συμμετέχων

      There’s no such thing as the essential “I”. We are our names, our jobs, our looks, our social status and so many other things. And everything we’ve been through since the day we were born contributed to us being the persons we are today. And 10 years from now we will be different persons; we constantly change. These changes are usually not unpredictable and usually not sudden, but are rather smooth and logical.

      I’m just writing all this so I wouldn’t go gamble. Don’t listen to me.

    • #9844
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      The weekend with my girlfriends finally came. Here I am 4 a.m. miserable. When I go inside a casino, I gamble compulsively. They do not. I spent so much money. They did not. I am miserable. They are not. It will take me so long to recover from this. why do I have to make whoever I am so miserable?

    • #9845
      kpat
      Συμμετέχων

      Thank you for sharing this. I am just the same as you, the CG that I have developed would turn a fun time into something destructive. I am sorry that you are miserable, but if you can find any consolation, your honesty speaks right to me. I cannot enjoy gambling. I cannot leave an opening to try and go occasionally. If I do, I would post this very same outcome.
      I hope you are kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up too much. We are all weak at times. There are enough people and enough sufferings that we all have to endure, don’t add to them by being mean to yourself. You screwed up sure, but you had many months of gamble free time. It looks like you learned something that can be added to your arsenal to fight this addiction.
      Sending you wwarm thoughts and my thanks again. Hugs to you too.

    • #9846
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Kpat, I almost missed your post. I love your words. “the CG I have developed” and, I thought I could have a fun time, but it was turned into something destructive. I wasn’t ready to give up this weekend with my girlfriends. Last year, I won when I went with my girlfriend. But, then the CG I had developed, made sure I returned time and again by myself and eventually lost that money and much more. This time, the CG I have developed went crazy once inside the casino. No fun for me, no fun for my CG. Maybe next year, i’ll be strong enough not to go with my girlfriends. I don’t know. The question is what can I do differently right now? How will this year be different? I am going to do everything I can to leave this behind me. I am not going to go back. I must be honest by saying that this is exactly what I want to do right now. Go back. Lots of inner conflict!
      Vera, we are all in this together. I always appreciate your words. “all you can do now is suffer” I know what you mean is stay put, lick your wounds. This is not cold hearted. Because this is the most positive option I have right now. I can’t avoid suffering, but I could rush back to the casino, to avoid suffering, which would only bring more suffering. I choose to suffer for however long it takes, and then pull myself together again and continue with recovery. I don’t intend to start from Day 1, but from where I left off.
      PS. I did plan on gambling. The total lack of control over my behavior once there, I hadn’t planned on that. Should never have brought the ATM card. I can live with a little craziness, but not with total destruction and lack of control.

    • #9847
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      Ive been in your shoes loads of times Ican, I’m not having a go. But as much as all you can do now is suffer, that was always going to be the outcome even before you went..what’s worse you planned it (mind you I think we always plan it no matter what b/s we tell ourselves and others). You’ve been using this forum a long time and proven time and time again you can do this, you can live without gambling and so can vera and everyone of us.

      It puzzles me sometimes why we all think we can dish out good advice to the newbies and ignore the very very basic things, like having control of our atm cards. Not telling our friends we are a compulsive gambler, That sort of thing.

      Whether you intend to start on day 1 or day whatever, I think you should employ some day 1 route 1 fundamental barriers Ican, do you really want to go through your whole life like this. Do whatever it takes to avoid gambling.

    • #9848
      charles
      Συντονιστής

      “………. Maybe next year, i’ll be strong enough not to go with my girlfriends. I don’t know. ………”

      Hi Ican, well done on getting right back here.

      Why not talk to your friends now while you are hurting? Tell them you have decided to stop gambling. Tell them you know it’ll be hard and ask them, as friends, not to invite you on their gambling trip next year? Ask them not even to tell you when they are going?

      Then, well you will know.

      As they are your friends I’m sure they will do as you ask and I’m also sure that there are plenty of non gambling related things you can do with them at other times.

      Keep posting and try and put as many things in place now, while you are hurting. We all know the pain fades and then it’s harder.

    • #9849
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      I have to admit I have been struggling with urges. Even planned to go back to the same casino this next Tuesday. But, today is a new day. And I have decided I don’t have to give up all the progress I have made because of an outing with my girlfriends.
      So I have been getting right back to work denying gambling a space in my life. Refusing to accept its power over me. I can’t deny the fact that I gambled, but I can deny being completely controlled by it by denying my need to return and continuing to take steps toward releasing the addiction.
      No, I cannot deny the fact that I have gambled or that I still crave it, but I can deny the necessity of it, or at least try.
      I have made progress in opening my mind to accepting the fact that gambling is not an inevitable part of my life unless I allow it to be. I am beginning to see that nothing need have control over my life unless I let it. There is a momentum which has already been established where gambling is losing its importance in my life. I like that. I like where I am today and I refuse to go back where I once was. I am choosing not to regret last weekend, but instead to use it to keep me motivated and committed to recovery.
      Happy Valentine’s Day! Love yourselves! I am loving my new pink pajamas that hubby gave me. Life is good and I am not going back to misery, no matter how tempting. What is so attractive about misery? Why is it so tempting?

    • #9850
      kpat
      Συμμετέχων

      Happy Valentine’s Day to you too! It is so weird how once we give in to the urges, even in the aftermath, it makes the urges stronger. I don’t understand it! It is good that you recognize the cycle. Stay strong:)

    • #9851
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      I have been struggling to get back on recovery road. Took a detour. Since I have gambled, I can’t seem to get back the desire and enthusiasm I had for recovery. I am glad February is over. I have been doing a lot of journaling. Trying to get myself in a better place and gain the strength to get back on track.
      I took one positive step today and went to the gym. After I was done exercising, I read my horoscope which said that if I could become more self-disciplined, my life would expand. No kidding! I am going to take this as a sign to work on being more self-disciplined where it is needed…which is just about every area of my life!

    • #9852
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Not having a very good day in recovery and in general. Working through some very negative feelings. I know I will work through them, but right now, having a bit of a pity party.
      Accepted an offer today on our cottage. I can’t believe it is really happening. Saying goodbye to the most beautiful piece of property on the face of the planet (ok, I might be exaggerating a bit…not really). My dad thought so too. He wanted to keep it in the family, but couldn’t afford it. So, we bought it from him. But, now we can’t afford to keep it either. Some may think, “wah, wah, you still have one roof over your head. It was your second home and many people don’t even have one. ” Part of me thinks the same thing. But, today, I am just very sad. It was my parent’s home for a long time. Since I was 16. It was a legacy they wanted to hand down. I feel that we have let them down, and our children, as well. We haven’t told the kids yet. They loved it so much! So many memories. Some bad, but mostly wonderful.
      To continue the pity party, I will add that although the property is extremely valuable, we owe so much money that we won’t profit one penny. In fact, we will still owe!
      Enough already. I am it tears, and I have to meet my husband. I am getting a new phone. I am probably the only person left in America with a flip phone (I call it my dumb phone) I don’t really want a new one, but lately I have had trouble getting my messages. I really do hate change, but alas, it is inevitable!

    • #9853
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      I hear you, Ican!
      That’s really, really sad! I can understand you mourning the huge loss of such a prize possession.
      Dare I ask , was the sale of the property related to gambling?

    • #9854
      kpat
      Συμμετέχων

      I am sorry that you are having to sell what sounds like a beautiful retreat. Change is hard. You are not alone in finding it difficult.
      I recently upgraded my phone and I no longer carry one with a cracked face. I was a sort of joke, because it was cracked for nearly two years!

    • #9855
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thank you, Vera and Kpat. Great question, Vera. I would have to say, “What in the last 15 years of my life hasn’t been related, or should I say tainted by gambling?”
      So, yes, I would say it is related. Our financial situation would, of course, be better today if I had not gambled. But, I do not think it is the only cause of losing our cottage. We bought it when my husband was making quite a bit of money. That was 15 years ago. Shortly after that, he lost his job. Then two more after that. With each new job, he has made less and less. We never asked my parents to move out, which was part of the sale agreement. Their health was declining and their financial situation was worse than ours. We needed to sell when the value was at its highest, but we couldn’t ask my parents to move out. So, we continued to borrow on the mortgage and make higher and higher monthly payments. The real estate market bottomed out, and now the property is worth half of what it was worth when we bought it. We know the value will go up again, but we just can’t hold on any longer.
      If I thought it was only related to my gambling, I don’t think I could bear it.

    • #9856
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      Is there any chance some other member of the family could buy that property, Ican, to keep it in the family, or is it too late for that?
      Something similar happened with our original family home about ten years ago but it had nothing whatsoever to do with gambling. It caused consternation. I was gambling at that time so most of it went over my head!

    • #9857
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      No Vera, it is too late for that. That ship has sailed, and we have to accept it. As difficult as it is, there is a certain relief about the whole thing. Especially financially. With all the debt we have, I feel like our ship has sunk to the bottom of the sea. This will plug up one of its biggest leaks. Then I am looking forward little by little to working on plugging up the rest of those leaks. (I am working here to plug up another one of those leaks!) Unless, we took this step of selling the cottage, I don’t think we would ever be able to sail again. I am not sure now, but at least now maybe we can bob around somewhere closer to the surface! lol

    • #9858
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi ican. It’s alright to feel sad about the property you are selling. Change is hard but most of the time it is positive. . You won’t have that financial obligation anymore. When I was selling and buying properties after my husband’s death, I was overwhelmed by the changes I was going through. I kept second guessing myself but I am happy and content with my choices. I know that selling the property is hard for you but maybe it will take a load off of you and make your life a little easier. PS: I had to purchase another phone a few months ago because mine died. I was appalled a the cost. I bought a protective cover for it in case I drop it. LOL! Take care. I am thinking about you.

    • #9859
      kathryn
      Συμμετέχων

      I am so touched by your post Ican, to feel such deep loneliness in a time when you should be feeling so proud….I am so pleased you talked to your husband, maybe he has just a little insight into what you are going through, the elephant may have shrunk a bit!!!! You are right, there a positives in everything, sometimes it just takes a while for us to see them. I can tell you with absolute truth that the positive in my day was your post to me. You are a beautiful soul, this site brings out the best in us, may it long continue. Love K x xx

    • #9860
      charles
      Συντονιστής

      Hi Ican, You can do this, you know what works. Back to basics.

      It migth be the thought of selling your property that has given you some urges/awakened your addiction.

      it could also be that it sees it’s chance. Selling a property? Does that mean access to cash? An increase in the credit you will have available? All thoughts that will get a sleeping addiction stirring.

      Again, you know what works, back to basics and use your awareness of the risks.

      Keep posting and maybe see you in a group soon.

    • #9861
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks, Kathryn. Our communication this past week has meant a great deal to me. I think we have gotten to know each other a little bit better because of it. I just love a little feistiness in a woman! lol I think mine has been kicked out of me a bit, but I would like to get it back! Of course, I would only use it for good, like you. lol
      Charles, I am sorry to say, there will be no sum of money. We may end up owing rather than making a profit. Also, no extra credit. What it will do is will decrease our monthly spending considerably, which is a good thing. Although, this is not the only solution to solving our financial problems, I see hope for the future. I think now, we will be able to honestly assess our situation and begin looking for solutions to increase our income and decrease our spending. No more burying our heads in the sand. My husband and I need to work as a team on this. Now, although it will still be quite challenging, I no longer believe it to be an impossible task.

    • #9862
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Lost one of our best friends to cancer today. I gambled about 2 weeks ago. Was going to visit him in the hospital, but his wife (my best friend) said it wasn’t a good time. Dressed up and no where to go, but hell.
      So many regrets. I could of done this or that. In the end, I will be who I am…a weak person who loves her friends. Who wishes her love could make a difference and bring her friend back. But, he is gone forever. RIP my dear friend. I will love you forever, and I will never forget all of the good times we have shared.

    • #9863
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      Condolences on the loss of your dear friend, Ican!
      Friends are often closer than family…
      Requiem in pace!

    • #9864
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Last week was quite an emotional week. Went to the visitation and funeral of our friend. The buyers backed out of buying the cottage. Our trailer flooded, and according to the insurance company, it is not salvageable. On a positive note, my son and DIL are coming home from London next weekend. Can’t wait to see them. They will be living with us for a while, so I guess we will be seeing quite a bit of them! lol They flew their dog back last week, and she has already been making herself at home.
      In spite of circumstances, I have been doing ok. I have decided to be grateful for each day and treat it as a gift. I have been journaling each morning and focusing on the positives in my life. When I do this, life just seems better. This may sound crazy, but I picture money flowing in and have been asking for a job that pays well and is also a lot of fun or at least somewhat enjoyable. I really enjoy what I am doing, but it doesn’t pay very well and I am only paid once a month. I am working on paying my husband back for my gambling losses.

    • #9865
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Ican, I am sorry for the death of your friend. Wow, you did have a heck of a week. It’s awesome that you are still looking for the positives in your life. Very admirable! Take care.

    • #9866
      kpat
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks for your post on my thread. I hope you had a Terrific Mother’s Day. It sounds like you have a wonderfully full house and I a sure it will be nice to have your son so close by even when they do move out. I am sorry to read of the loss of your friend. I hope your friend (his wife) is coping. I am impresseed that you are making amends for your losses with your husband. That is really holding yourself accountable.
      I believe that positive thinking is like air to me. When I allow negative thoughts and mean spiritedness into my mind, I spiral so quickly to the bad actions. I missed you:)

    • #9867
      kpat
      Συμμετέχων

      Hello my friend. How are things with you? Miss you on this forum…..hope you are doing well;)

    • #9868
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      Great minds think alike they say, kPat!
      Ican’s name just flashed through my mind as I was posting on another thread.
      Ican! How does it feel to have two friends thinking of you at one time?
      I’m scared to write too much cos I got a rollickin’ a while back for “posting like a mad woman, getting well worked up and going into hyperdrive” on your thread!
      Sorry about that. I didn’t realize at the time!
      Hope you’re keeping well.

    • #9869
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thank you so much, Kpat and Vera. I have been so busy. I gambled the end of April. Will be working to pay my husband back. Will continue…my kids walked through the door.

    • #9870
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Back again. Vera, don’t remember the overdrive posts. I always love your posts, especially on my thread. Sorry I have been gone so long. So many changes.
      The cottage didn’t sell in January. Now we have a very aggressive buyer. Cheap, but aggressive. If things work out, we have to be out by July 1. Not getting even close to the selling price we were hoping for.
      Our trailer that was flooded from broken frozen pipes is completely gutted right now. We spent the weekend painting it. Most every thing that was in the trailer was damaged. We need to move things from the cottage to the trailer, but the problem is that we can’t do this until the trailer is functional. Hopefully by July 1 or by ever!!!

    • #9871
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Dear Friends, This is the end of a very exhausting week, but I am feeling very good about things. Just trying to take things one step at a time. If I start to think about all the things that are going on right now, I get overwhelmed and start to panic.
      I started a new job this week at the University. Today was my second day. Day 1, I thought my head was going to explode! Today was a little better, but I am a slow learner. I heard my trainer tell someone that I had only really learned one thing so far. I am sure she is thinking that I am a slow learner, too! I keep telling myself to just do the best I can. That’s all I can do. This is a really good job(at least good for me), and I so want it to work out and also to be good at it. It’s not something I have ever done before or have any skill in doing. My friend hired me, and I am so grateful for the opportunity. It doesn’t help that my glasses are broken and I could hardly see what I was typing or the computer screen. It is a very fun, professional atmosphere, even though what I do is kind of boring…hard, but boring. It is 3 days a week, so I can still visit with my lady friend twice a week. This means I am working 5 days a week. Something I haven’t done in a very long time! I haven’t gambled in about a month. This busyness has helped with that. I have to admit I have thought about it a lot. I guess I think that gambling would be an escape from all the stress I am under. Like that would help!!! There are lots of other ways to escape, why does my mind go to just one?
      Have a great weekend. My husband is taking me on a special outing tomorrow for my birthday. An ESCAPE!!! I am going to think about how much I am looking forward to it and try to take my mind off of those gambling urges!

    • #9872
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      Wishing you a Happy Birthday, Ican!
      Hope you have a lovely day.
      Great News about the new job.
      Be careful to secure your salary before it disappears!

    • #9873
      kpat
      Συμμετέχων

      I am wishing you a Happy Birthday too!
      I am sure you will be excellent at your new job. I would encourage you to stay way from gambling as well. If you never link your new job with gambling, the urges won’t show up while your there. I don’t really have any urges at work ever since I transferred in Dec. My mind has never connected the two. It is a big difference for me.:)

    • #9874
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      How is your job at the University going Ican? Have you settled in? I hope you are enjoying it and not too tired.
      I just read on your other thread that you are paying hubby back. I always make a point of paying every cent I borrow from my husband. Otherwise I would feel terribly guilty. I feel like a beggar borrowing from him. He forgets that he gives me money. Same with our grown up children. They take advantage of him but I rattle their cages to make them pay up when they can. If I know they can’t I don’t mention it. They know its not about the money . Its about integrity and trust. I feel badly about my debts but because they are “faceless” creditors I can cope but I hear you about owing money to your brother. Could you set up a direct debit to pay him even a small amount every month? It will relieve the burden.
      I agree that instead of saying “I will use my money and my time for other purposes” is better than saying “I won’t gamble”. Focusing on the negative can pull us down.

    • #9875
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi Vera. I am hopeful that I will like the job, but right now, it is very hard. So much for this old brain to learn! Funny you mention being tired because I am just exhausted at the end of each day! I know it will eventually get easier…at least I hope so. I think about gambling as a way to de-stress, but I have no time or energy, which is a good thing. And somehow, little by little I am building a new life in which gambling doesn’t fit in.
      I don’t think I could ever pay back my husband all the money I have spent the past 10 years. But, at least this year I am even and now I have a chance to help out with paying back some of our debt.
      Starting in August, I am going to do just what you suggested to pay back my brother. And if I save any extra money, that is where it will go. With what I can afford right now, it should take 4 years, so I am really hoping I can kick in some extra payments to get it done quicker. You are right about owing money to a family member. He has been so good about it, but I hate it. I think he thought that when we sold the cottage, he would get it all in a lump sum. We would love to give it to him if there were a lump sum to give.
      Lots going on here, and many changes. I’ll get you caught up, but right now I am going back to bed. I am hoping to get caught up on some threads and do some posting tomorrow. Take care. I haven’t posted, but I have joined you in your June pledge. So far this year January and May are my only gamble free months. I only gambled one time in each of the other months, but we both know only one time is way too many!!!

    • #9876
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks Ican!
      Eating is about the only “normal” thing I do. Compulsive eating is not all that normal though , is it?
      I do count my many many blessings daily.
      I just wish I could do more. Stop the clock and catch up with the so many people and things I have missed out on when I was in my own world gambling.
      When I went back to work after a 19 year career break I was 52. I was totally exhausted. The basic work was the same but there were so many new policies and protocols we were expected to know. After a while I got sense. I just noted which file these huge books were stored in’ in case I had to refer to them in a hurry and I left it up to the two managers who sat in the office all day to deal with them. I was a foot soldier and its all I ever wanted to be. The course I would have followed if I pursued my profession without taking a career break, would have been the legal or teaching areas of nursing , but we got plenty opportunities to teach students on the wards and had to re learn the domains they study under in Uni (a lot of it is BULL)and fill in their reports daily and write an overall feedback at the end of their placement. They were passed or failed on that placement as a result of the report they got. The main area was drug administration but you would brief your student before hand on the 5 Rs. Some were more receptive than others. Makes me wonder if all the mentoring has made any real improvements in the health Service. God be with the days we learned on the hoof and depended on nurses six months your senior to show you the ropes. For and against allowing students to take risks, of course. Its the opposite now. Lots of spoon feeding these days and when it comes to making quick decisions some fall down.
      My advice Ican, is to get a clear job description and don’t act outside your remit. In my experience the work horse is always left carrying the heavy load.

    • #9877
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Well done on your journey so far.. I am happy when i see your posts here, its good we are all staying around, hanging on, recovery is so important for us all here.. its the main priority really.. Well done.. just wanted to say you are doing a good job on all your forward thinking too in paying your brother back and working out a plan.. keep going ican.

      P

    • #9878
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thank you so much p. Your encouragement has always meant a lot to me.
      Vera, It’s hard to say when I took a break from my career. I think I gave up my career the day I got married. The day I said whatever dreams, goals, or ambitions I have are not as important as yours. Why did I assume because we went to College together that he would understand that I wanted to do something in the World as much as he did? No, I was to stay at home and raise the children. Until the time when that wasn’t enough…

    • #9879
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      Rules the world, Ican!
      Don’t ever feel you chose or were given the lesser task by staying at home to raise your children. The mother is the heart and the father is the head of the family no matter how much the Feminist/GLBT/Other groups try to change the emphasis.
      Sadly, in today’s society both parents are forced out to work to pay mortgages etc. Do young families really need two latest model cars, mansions to live in, three foreign holidays every year, gadgets for the kids and toys to keep up with their peers?
      In my opinion, children who are reared in simple God fearing homes without creche/babyminding/daycare involvement turn out far more secure. Ok the “trendy” kids might have high notions /achieve well by the world’s standard but they often end up being enslaved to consumerism. The root or the increase in gambling maybe?
      Never regret the privilege given to you to do the most responsible task in the world Ican, i. e raise a family. I don’t regret staying at home for years despite the fact that I did an imperfect job. All any of us can do is our best!

    • #9880
      p
      Συμμετέχων

      Hows things going today

      P

    • #9881
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Vera, For a while we had good babysitters. Then, we had “the babysitter from hell.” It was then that I decided that if anyone was going to mess up my kids…it was going to be me! I quit my job and decided to be a stay-at-home-mom . It was then that I decided to begin to trust my abilities to parent because what else could I do and what else could I give them, but who I was? I was there, and in end, I believe for me, it was the right choice.
      I am not judging anyone else’s choice.
      My last post was mixed with a little wine, and perhaps with a little truth. We only have one life to live. I made my choices based on the truth that I knew I couldn’t give equally to both my career and my family. I chose what was most important to me. I am grateful I had that choice.
      I have seen many women who can balance the two. I couldn’t do it.

    • #9882
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks for posting to my Thread, Ican.
      I suppose the words we use to describe where we are at in life mean less than the actions we take to keep gambling out of our lives.
      UNCOVERING what we covered up for so long can free us but it will also bring pain.
      I’m glad your job is keeping you too busy to have time for gambling.

    • #9883
      kpat
      Συμμετέχων

      How is Ican doing?
      Hoping you are well and good. What’s new?

    • #9884
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      H Ican, it’s great to see your post bumped up.
      How are you.? Hope your recovery is going really well!

    • #9885
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      I Ican, thank you for your super reply on my thread.
      I love how you completely “get” what I am saying .
      It’s like with kids – you stick a label on them and they will sure try to live up to that label be it good or bad.
      I have worked hard to teach my son that labelling people is wrong whether it’s according to their skin colour, their abilities or lack of them, how they dress, what part of town they come from, what disabilities they have either physical or mental, whether they have a mental disorder (like gambling!!) etc.
      I guess if we want the world to be a better place we need to start with ourselves.
      I have watched some of Loius Theroux shows and if you need more evidence of the of the impact of labelling , that would be a good place to start.
      Unfortunately some people refuse to try new ways, because in doing so it might mean they had to admit that they got things wrong in the past .
      It is safer for them to cling steadfastly to their old ideas where they are “right” rather than learn how they could have done better. This is why progress is so slow in this world.

      Anyway we are both doing well in managing this gambling disorder which we have.
      I guess that just as we clung to gambling in the past , despite the damage it did to our loved ones, some peope, need to cling to damaging labels despite the damage it is doing to their loved ones.

      You can stick a plaster over a damaged relationship, you can pretend everything is suddenly fine because that loved one has changed some aspect of their behaviour,but if you refer to your loved ones by a disparaging label, please accept the blame when the plaster falls off .

      You and me , we will do ok, cause you know what , our loved ones call us their “LO”. ( loved one !!!!)

    • #9886
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks for your reply, Sad. I thought I would post a little update this morning. I am doing well. I did gamble in September and October, but I am pledging not to gamble in November. I have managed to pay my brother $500 each month since August to pay back the money we owe him. I don’t think I gambled this summer, which is amazing, because summers have always been bad for me. Always losing lots of money.
      Summer was crazy. Starting a new job. We sold our cottage. So, we worked every weekend moving. Also, our trailer flooded. So much damage. We gutted it and started over. We had a contractor, but we did a lot of the work ourselves. Our contractor did terrible work. So disappointing. The floors still aren’t right. Uneven and still soft in spots. It still makes me so mad. But, in general, it looks a lot better than it did before the flood, and our insurance covered a lot of it. Lots of stress though on my husband and I, with the trailer and also losing the cottage. It took its toll on our relationship. But, now, I think we are better than ever. We are both in a very good place, and we are enjoying ourselves and our time together. Kind of like when we were young, before we had kids. Both of us working, and then enjoying our evenings together. Except now we have less money and less future to look forward to. We do eat better though, so there is that. lol
      My job was so hard in the beginning. I would come home crying saying I couldn’t do it. It’s still difficult, but I really like the people I work with and my office is brand new, and the University is beautiful and now I even like the fact that the job is challenging.
      It’s been great having my son and DIL home from London. They lived with us for a while, but now they are in a lovely house close by. My daughter is also doing well. She started a new job the exact same day as I did. We are huge football fans, so we see the kids every weekend there is a home game. We all really get into all the hoopla!
      So, I can’t complain. Life is good. It may not sound like it, but I think recovery is going well, also. The last two trips to the casino in September and October have set me back spiritually and financially, but I am trying not to dwell on it and to live and learn from it and to move on. What else can we do? Recovery is a life-long process. What I am finally beginning to learn is to accept myself for who I am, and I may even be beginning to like myself. I am learning to give myself a break, and as I am getting better at it, I have noticed I that I am able to accept others for who they are and give them a break also. Everyone has their own ### and we are all really doing the best we can from where we are at.
      That’s about it for now. Take care every one. Be gentle with yourselves.

    • #9887
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi ican. It sounds like your life has been busy. We never know what life is going to throw us. I liked the part of your post where you said that you were beginning to accept and like yourself and others also. And that we are all trying to do our best. That is a big step for us. Keep enjoying your family. Take care!

    • #9888
      Ανώνυμος
      Επισκέπτης

      HI Ican , it’s so nice to see you posting on your own thread..

      You have had such a difficult time , and yet you are upbeat and looking forward.

      Yes I do think that have a gambling disorder makes us more tolerant of others. Keep,strong l know you will have a gamble free November and a great Christmas.

    • #9889
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Quite a day. My lady friend that I take to the Senior Center fell off her chair. There was such a loud sound that everyone thought she hit her head on the table. The paramedics came. She was fine, but it scared me. I’ll never forget the terrified look on her face.
      A very good friend of mine and neighbor went into the hospital today for the umpteenth time. She has Stage IV Cancer and is not doing well. I honestly cannot handle the thought of losing her.
      Also, I spent the evening with one of my very best friends who lost her husband April 1 (I absolutely adored him and miss him so much). Today would have been their 31st Wedding Anniversary. She, of course, is struggling. When I got home, I found my husband upset, as he was thinking about our friend as well. Just a sad day. Some days are like that. And, yet, despite my fears and all the tears, there was also some laughter.. and this was a day filled with love, so much love.

    • #9890
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      Life is a struggle sometimes, Ican.
      Very scary for that lady to fall off her chair. I hope she wasn’t badly injured.
      Facing up to losing friends/family members is not easy.
      I tend to avoid thinking about those matters.
      As for our desire to gamble, Ican, I do think it will always remain. Desires can be changed to options, though.
      We can chose to say “Ok , the cream doughnut is not available today; I will choose to have the jam one!”
      It is only when we become attached to those “desires” that they become unhealthy.
      We are not slaves Ican.
      We can choose to be free.

    • #9891
      maverick.
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi icandothis,

      Thanks again for your ongoing support, I hope you are keeping well and also hope just for today you are enjoying a gamble free day, you are a good person with a good heart and deserve all the happiness life has to give.

      Take care and will always wish you well.

      Maverick (Lee)

    • #9892
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi Ican. Sometimes life really sucks. It is so hard to lose people that we care about. Next March will mark the 3rd year since my Husband died. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday and sometimes it feels like it was years ago. Just remember the good times and memories. It helps me get through the sadness. I hope your friend with cancer finds peace and the Doctors find a way to help her. I love the way that you found some laughter in your sad day. Take care

    • #9893
      maverick.
      Συμμετέχων

      Just wanted to send you my very best Icandothis, I hope this finds you well and as always wish you all the very best in the world, take care of yourself Ican and look forward to sharing with you very soon.

      Maverick

    • #9894
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      I hear you loud and clear on Sad’s thread, Ican…..Things, people and even God Himself get in our way and frustrate us when we “need” to gamble. We resent them for “depriving us of having fun”!
      Time and reason serve to still our heart’s (false)desire!

    • #9895
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks, Vera. When those urges hit, they can really mess with our minds.
      I haven’t posted on my thread in a while, so I thought I would give an update. The Holidays were very enjoyable. Relaxing. I worked really hard at work before Christmas, so I didn’t have a lot of time for preparation. It was nice really. No time to stress about everything. I only bought a few gifts, but I tried to be make them more thoughtful. It seemed to work. I didn’t put any presents under the tree for Christmas morning, like I usually do. My daughter woke up, looked under the tree and said, “What no Santa Claus?” lol
      The downer part of the Holidays was that my daughter was let go from her job two weeks before Christmas. She was devastated, but she put on a good face. I am very worried about her for so many reasons. What can I say? It’s what mothers do. She spent lots of time with us, which was just the barrier I needed to stop me from gambling. Also, a positive is that she had an interview in New York city, and I was able to give her some money for the trip. If I were gambling, I wouldn’t have been able to help her.
      All in all, things are going well. I am looking forward to this new year. I am more optimistic than I have been in years. I have lots of New Year’s resolutions, lots of things I would like to change about myself. I am going to be easy about it though. Look for progress, not perfection.
      I am praying for my daughter but trying to keep up my faith in her and her ability to take care of herself and move forward. As she said, “Mom, this has hit me hard, but I’m a scrapper. I’ll be ok.” I am not exactly sure what a scrapper is, but I would like to think she gets it from me. lol
      Happy new year, everyone! Be easy on yourselves.

    • #9896
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks for posting! I have thought of you and wondered how you were doing. I’m glad the holidays were enjoyable for you. Your Daughter will be fine. She seems to have self confidence and faith within herself. I will be praying that she lands a job soon. I am optimistic about this year also! May we stay gamble free and reach some of our resolutions! Take care.

    • #9897
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I last posted. All in all, I would have to say that recovery is going well.
      I am learning to stop running away, doing some untangling and facing my wounds. I am beginning to see that my yearnings run deeper than my desire to gamble, therefore, gambling will never be able to satisfy whatever it is I long for.
      Gambling is like the bone on the side of the road. It has the luscious stink a dog can’t refuse. (Not that i’m a dog. lol) One that has cost me greatly. One I have failed time and time again to pass by. Yet, even though I have failed time and again, I will keep trying again and again, until I can pass it by.
      I have been trying to focus on what I really want and continuing to ask, “Is this really how I want to live my life?” (Thanks, Geordie for your post that stirred me up.) I do believe my life is getting better and my resolve is getting stronger. I don’t feel as tempted to leave my path for that ### bone!
      Today I hope everyone enjoys their travels on recovery road and please don’t stop for any bonehocks along the way! lol

    • #9898
      maverick.
      Συμμετέχων

      Great post Ican, hope you are keeping well and keep up the great effort, its amazing how enjoyable life is if we dont gamble, lets both get enjoying it, take care and hope this finds you well.

      Maverick

    • #9899
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      “Gambling will never be able to satisfy whatever it is I long for”.
      I agree with that statement, Ican, but even tough we are aware of the lack of satisfaction it brings , we still gamble. (I just read your post on Lizbeth’s Thread)
      I think our flawed human nature will always pull us down and left to our own devices, we will succumb to our weakness.
      That is why we need a Higher Power to turn to in times of temptation.
      The good news is, tomorrow is a new day!

    • #9900
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Thank you so much for your post on my thread! I really needed to hear what you had to say! Your words brought many of my scattered thoughts together. “Gambling will never be able to satisfy whatever it is that I long for”, I love your quote. That is exactly how I feel. All we can do is keep trying and focusing on what we want out of life. No bonehocks for me!

    • #9901
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      So much has been going on. Wanted to give a bit of an update.
      We just got back from moving my daughter into her new place in Brooklyn, New York. The smallest apartment I have ever seen! And, so expensive!!!
      I think she has made it over the hump. She works part-time for a company that really likes the work she does. I feel better to see where she is living, but the reality of her being gone, away from home, is hard.
      This trip, along with the monetary help we provided, has set us back.
      This is so different from trying to recover from my gambling debt.
      No secrets, no silence, no denial.
      My husband and I are working as a team. Two people who are proud of their daughter and their ability to help her. Two people who are working together to spend less and earn more to make up for the money they invested in their daughter’s future.
      We need to find a way to make our way back from this debt. But, I can’t tell you the difference, the freedom, in being honest and open about the challenge before us.
      This has been a very humbling experience, as I am learning to trust my daughter and her decisions about how she chooses to live her life. And, also, about trusting our decisions about how we choose to spend our money. Of which, I thank God, I am not choosing to spend on gambling!

    • #9902
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi Ican, I am glad that you got your Daughter settled. It is hard to see your children move away. I like that you and your Husband are working as a team! That makes everything better! Any debt is better than gambling debt! From your post it also seems like you are more content with your life! It feels like you are in a good place. Take care.

    • #9903
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      Was it last year, or the year before you enjoyed the May Hymn on You Tube, Ican?
      Fr Sydney Mc Ewan, the Scottish tenor’s version is by far the best.
      Always brought a tear to my mother’s eye. Still does to mine…
      Tempus fugit!

    • #9904
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      Sorry to hear you’re going through a bit of a struggle, Ican.
      Would it help to post about it?
      Sometimes it’s good to share what we are struggling with.
      Up to you!

    • #9905
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      I just wanted to say hi! You have always been so supportive of me I am thinking of you. You do have a lot of supporters here. Just remember. Take care.

    • #9906
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks Lizbeth and Vera.

      Vera, I guess that is all it was, a bit of a struggle. Nothing specific really. Trying to work through some issues and make some changes. Not easy, but I believe it is the benefit or perhaps the curse of recovery. Having the space in my head to think about other things besides gambling. And, realizing that not wanting that space is why i gambled in the first place.
      I am learning that It’s great to want to change, but it is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight, and I need to be easier on myself about it.
      Lizbeth, you have been a great support to me, too. I need to catch up, but I hope you are doing well. I have been very busy, which is a good thing. As I have been clearing the space in my head of gambling thoughts and filling it with other desires, I literally do not have space in my life for gambling.
      Hey, perhaps I’m finally in recovery!!! lol
      Take care. Blessings to you, Liz and Vera, and everyone here! As Lizbeth says, we are all worth the fight!

    • #9907
      theone12221
      Συμμετέχων

      Could really relate when you said that wanting to stop and actually stopping are vastly different and it takes a lot of willpower and discipline to transition from the first stage to the second (actually stopping). It can be a long and bumpy road but every one of us on here will need to make that transition in order to truly recover and be gamble-free for life. I think filling your gambling thoughts with other desires/hobbies is a great way to prevent triggers from occurring. Keep up the good work!

    • #9908
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi. Change is usually good but it is a process. I feel like I am always changing and hopefully learning new life lessons. Isn’t that why we are here? I gambled recently but I think I needed to experience the feelings of the aftermath to confirm in my head that I don’t want to go down that path again. The monetary loss wasn’t much but my soul felt defeated. Don’t want to feel that way again. I am happy that you are filling your head with desires. Life can be complicated but sometimes I think we make it that way. Have a great weekend. Take care.

    • #9909
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      It took a while, but I found my thread. I wanted to say hello to you who might remember me.
      I have always had a hard time knowing what to say on my threads. Expressing myself. I’ll start with the easy thing, and let you know what I have been up to. Not much actually. I still love my job, and I still escort an 88 year old woman twice a week. We go to the Senior Center for lunch, and then we play Bingo. Yes, I have finally said it. I play Bingo twice a week. I can’t believe I have been with her for 3 years now. We have done many other things together in the past, but for about the last year, this is what we do most days. Here I go. Typing, erasing. Typing, erasing. Hearing voices of responses. Perhaps, I shouldn’t have even mentioned it here on gambling therapy. But I feel like it is a part of me that I have had to keep from all of you. Even though, in my general life, it is nothing I feel guilty about. Not even one bit. It is not a trigger for me at all. Believe me, I have tried to find other activities we could do together that she was physically and mentally able to do. If there comes a time when she can no longer play Bingo, I will quit and not miss it. I will miss the people who play though. Which is why I have decided that when my friend and I no longer get together, I will volunteer at the Senior Center because I just love the people who gather there.
      Anyway, all in all, things are going well for me and my family. The best bonus of not being caught up in gambling is being able to fully enjoy my relationship with my husband. It just keeps getting better! My kids are doing well. My daughter went through a rough patch, but now is doing better than ever and living in New York City with a great job she loves in a beautiful new building right next to the World Trade Center. I worry about her for many reasons, but she is happy, and that trumps all my worries. And…my daughter-in-law is going to have a baby in April!
      So, that’s about it. Happy Holidays, everyone! I will post more often, if I can. Take care. Keep working your recovery!

    • #9910
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      Great to read a post from you Ican, and thanks for posting to my thread.
      Bingo, for me would have absolutely nothing to do with gambling, but of course I do understand and acknowledge it could be the ruination of many.
      Every CG has his/her own poison.
      Great that your “client” is able to partake in what is obviously an innocent, yet important social event. It keeps many elderly people alert and gives them an outing to look forward to.
      I’m in a bit of a rush now . Just home from a pre Christmas event and am heading to a family dinner now.
      Keep in touch.
      Clickity click!!

    • #9911
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi Ican, It is good to hear that you and your family are doing well! I have played bingo in the past but it wasn’t addictive for me. Congrats on the baby in April. My youngest Daughter is due April the 2nd with a little girl. I will be a Grandmother again. There is nothing sweeter. Happy Holidays to you and your family! Take care.

    • #9912
      micky
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi Ican thanks for the post on project 60 🙂 i’m glad you liked reading through my thread. Micky 🙂

    • #9913
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Mourning yet another friend who passed away Sunday. Cancer. I stayed home from work yesterday and stayed in bed all day crying and drinking cosmopolitans. Feeling a bit better today. Except for the headache. lol Took another day off, today, but I got out of bed and no drinking. Yesterday, was supposed to be my Day 1 of starting exercising, eating better, drinking less. Didn’t work out as I planned. instead I spent the day putting poison into my body without hardly moving at all. I am not going to beat myself up, as this is a very sad and difficult time for me. People have been posting pictures of my friend on facebook, and I am in many of them. Tomorrow I will go back to work and function the best I can.
      The last time I gambled was the middle of September. Also, in August. It was horrible how much damage I did during that time. Went right back into it. It scared me how quickly I accumulated a large gambling debt. I have been working to pay it back.
      Putting one foot in front of the other is about all I can manage today.

    • #9914
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi ICAN, I am sorry about your friend. Cancer sucks! Take care of yourself. Grieving is one of the hardest things that I have ever gone through. Be kind to yourself. Take care.

    • #9915
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      Condolences on the loss of your friend, Ican.
      Grief is painful. There is no way to avoid it.

    • #9916
      Jonny123987
      Συμμετέχων

      Sorry to hear about your friend! That’s a bummer. Try to love yourself and respect that friends memory by doing something good and positive for yourself. Show respect to them by giving yourself 5 minutes a day of just good thoughts and positive energy.

      Much love.
      Jon

    • #9917
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks, Lizbeth, Vera and Jon. The service was today and it was sad, but it was beautiful. The Priest said that if my friend wasn’t in Heaven, than there was no hope for the rest of us. That says a lot about the person she was. He also said to pick the one virtue, quality or character about her that you admired the most and begin bringing that into your own life…working on yourself in her honor. I loved that, and I am going to do just that. But, the truth is, I could have been a better friend…I should have been a better friend.

    • #9918
      Jonny123987
      Συμμετέχων

      How are you doing?

    • #9919
      maverick.
      Συμμετέχων

      Icandothis, just wanted to drop in and wish you well, really sorry to hear of your loss of your friend, you mention you could have been a better friend but in truth Ican everyone of us could have been a better person at some point in our lives towards friends & family and in turn we could also have been a lot worse, you were a friend and that is more than good enough, remember the good things and not the bad, I love the Priest quote about working on yourself in her honour that makes perfect sense to me.

      Take care my friend and hope this finds you well, keep fighting, keep trying and never give in.

      Maverick

    • #9920
      micky
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi icandothis hope your okay and doing well in recovery sorry to hear about your friend. loved what the priest said very uplifting 🙂

    • #9921
      micky
      Συμμετέχων

      Hi Icandothis thanks for your post , if we sit down and write all the things down we can do instead of gambling the list is endless i sometimes force myself to do stuff ( give myself a push) but it’s always worth it looking back on a productive day .

    • #9922
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Happy Easter, to all of you who celebrate. This is a time of rebirth! A time when we let die those parts of ourselves which need to die or we need to let go of, and a time to celebrate the new life which follows! Amen, to our new lives!!!

    • #9923
      lizbeth4
      Συμμετέχων

      Congrats on your new Granddaughter! Take care!

    • #9924
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      Congratulations on becoming a grandmother, Ican.
      Moving on to a new phase in life helps us to place wider issues in perspective. Not gambling will give you more time to enjoy the baby girl . When we gamble, we miss out on a lot of life.
      Take care.

    • #9925
      vera
      Συμμετέχων

      ‘Doesn’t seem like a year since we spoke about the May Hymn, Ican.
      Time passes fast.
      I hope you are singing to your baby grand daughter.
      Give us an update when you can.

    • #9926
      icandothis
      Συμμετέχων

      Thanks for thinking of me, Vera. Such a beautiful hymn.
      Where do I begin to update. This year has been quite a challenge. But, you know what, lately I am feeling like I am up to the challenge.
      Both of my brothers have had severe health issues..aneurism (sp?) stroke, kidney failure. And I have a few health issues of my own. Things are going on at work that are absolutely disgusting and definitely illegal.
      But, as Forrest Gump says, “That’s all I have to say about that.”
      I intend not to focus on the things I cannot control and focus on what I can. I am very quickly approaching 60, and I feel as if the next decade is going to be my decade. This is my time to shine. Why not? I have spent a lot of time doing just the opposite. Why not give every thing I have to becoming the real me instead of running away from some lesser version of me that I have let myself become or at least believe myself to be. (I am feeling like it’s now or never, so why not now?)
      That’s all for now. My husband will be home soon, and dinner won’t cook itself!
      Take care, Vera…and everyone else, too. Don’t be so hard on yourselves. It’s enough that you are here fighting the good fight.

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