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I love to gamble. I love the rush. I don’t think I gamble to win, I think I gamble for the thrill of the win. I get so excited on the way to the casino and if I don’t win I am totally pissed off. It’s like I feel BIG and that I am invincible and that I am going to win. Even when I win though I almost always spend it back and leave broke or in the hole. Tonight I was up $900 but left down by $70. $70 is not a lot of money to me, but regardless that small loss is why I am on here tonight. I know in my heart that I gamble too much. I know that I spend more time, money and effort gambling than what is healthy. I know I have a gambling problem because I can not leave the casino without spending every last dime. Even if I win a jack pot, I always spend it back, either that night or another night. I don’t think my gambling is about the money. I think it is for the high. I don’t know if I have the courage to stop but I want to. I am scared of quitting but I don’t know why I’m scared. Maybe gambling is my way of adding to my lack of self esteem? Another thing. As soon as I leave the casino and feeling crappy, the next day I am anticipating when I will go again. The bad feelings are buried and I’m ready to go. I tried quitting cold turkey New Years Day and only lasted about eight days. I had lost about $1500. I spend a minimum of $300 a week at the slots. And like I said, even if I get up, I never leave ahead. I guess that’s the cycle of it all. I’m tired. I need to go to bed. Arghhhhhhhhh. Work in progress.