Thanks Steev

that post has been extremely helpful and kinda changed the niggling feeling in my brain that my next milestone is one year – of course it’s not – it’s today !

Thank you Dunc – I have had so much help from so many people – it was my online chat with you which finally spurred me on to actually apply for the residential- I will be forever grateful.x

Thank you Dunc – I have had so much help from so many people – it was my online chat with you which finally spurred me on to actually apply for the residential- I will be forever grateful.x

Aimz, I look forward to reading a similar post from you – I admire how you took immediate action- I did a lot of talking for years – the action came later. 

Talk soon x

Thank you Vera.

I do believe God helps us in the background – making things happen which we are unaware of.

However, recovery didn’t happen for me until I took action and worked hard at it despite the burning shame I felt each step of the way .

I filled in the form for the short residential.

I answered the phone full of shame and thoughts of how lowly the person taking the first assessment must think I am.

I dragged myself away from an 18 hour gambling binge to take the first video counselling session.

I told my husband, which was maybe the worse part – not the full truth -but a version that would allow me to attend the residential.

I sorted time off work.

I took a flight to the unknown.

I took a train from the airport to a completely strange place.

I stayed with strangers in a residential setting despite my enormous fear of staying places on my own and meeting strangers on my own.

I faced my shame at the thoughts of strangers knowing that I was a lowly addict (because that’s how I felt then).

I followed every piece of advice with no ifs or buts.

I attended every post-residential counselling session.

I attended groups at GT all the time.

I repeated all of the above again for the follow-up.

I told my family that gambling wasn’t for me any more and that I had attended a residential. They have stopped asking me to go to a casino with them. My mum is enjoying the benefits of my not gambling as she now has a very generous daughter – she also is having thoughts of giving up herself!

I wasn’t one of those people who went to GA and found it life changing ( I actually found to really annoying lol).

I had to and will always have to work hard at recovery.

God may have provided me with the “lifeline “ but I had to grab it and kick like crazy.

The worthwhile things in life are worth working for – recovery is worth working for .

I have a contentment now is beyond the high of any win.

I am getting all those things I thought I needed a win for.

Mostly I have learned to value myself and treat myself with compassion. I buy myself nice things, I spend my money on me (some of it ).

God didn’t stop me from having this addiction- he let me go through years of torture despite my pleas (sounds like a psalm).

However I have arrived at a place where I would never have been without this addiction so perhaps He had His reasons .

Recovery was inside me all along – I just needed a lot of help to find it !

Another day and I’m grateful to have the good health to get up and go to work.
Today I need to buy a new bed for a guest who is coming to stay. Imagine – I am buying a new bed just like that – me who would have panicked at having to buy a new pillow. Life has certainly moved on for me.

Today I feel a little anxiety – nowadays I examine it and find a solution for whatever is causing it – to be honest it’s usually something I forgot to do, hadn’t time to do or didn’t bother to do. Most anxiety can be stopped in its tracks by simply being honest and open.

I am also anxious because I have arranged for a cleaner to come to my horrible home to work for two hours a week- I am wondering will they be completely shocked at how bad it is – it is quite stressful because I have so much to do before they get here .i guess if I was on top of things I wouldn’t need a cleaner.

Now I realise that these stresses are so much better that throwing all my money to an online site and then living in fear and shame for the rest of the month.

Thank you Stevie and Monica

Today I have a plumber calling to fit my “new” washing machine. I have been without a washing machine for almost two years and my journeys to “the machines” are over . I have an extra night a week to do something I like doing!
The basic things I have allowed gambling to deprive me of …

On a positive note life is improving in all areas and without gambling will only get better. I am sleeping well and getting up refreshed and able to face what the world throws at me .
Onward and upwards .

Thank you Lizbeth and Steev,

I am overjoyed to have a working washing machine! The things we take for granted and the things we deprive ourselves of as we continue to be slaves of this addiction!

Life is good – I have a very long work day today but I’m grateful to have Work.

I have a family meal planned for tomorrow night – there will be some quite toxic people there but I intend to go with an open mind and be assertive if anyone is disrespectful. Being assertive gets easier when you find the sky doesn’t fall down when you refuse to be treated disrespectfully or taken for granted . In truth being assertive is far nicer than replaying what you should have said for days later. Yes I have left my victim status firmly in the past !

That’s about it – life is good – I deserve to have a good life !

I have such a hectic weekend ahead of me – I have a visitor coming to stay and am going out for a meal later with extended family. Add in work today, an electrician coming to do some some small jobs and a new cleaner calling to see around and it is busy, busy, busy!

Of course it also shows that my money is being spent on better things than gambling – things which improve my life rather than destroy it ! My money seems to go so far these days, although most of my “new “ appliances are second hand.
I am looking forward to the long weekend off for St. Patrick’s Day. I will be able to make my first roast dinner in over a year. Again I ask myself why I deprived myself of so many basic things for so long – and I remember how close I came to not even having a home to put second hand appliances into .

There before the grace of God go I .
Never look back but never forget.

Stevie
You will be at this stage before long -and it gets easier as we progress.

Had a lovely meal last night . It doing to be quite a frugal end to the month as I have had so many one off expenses – frugal nowadays means cooking every meal instead of the odd take away or going for a meal. In the past it meant selling off anything I could find for pennies and borrowing from anywhere I could get it.

Heading off to the shops now – hope there is some food left in them- this Corona virus has had a huge impact on just about everything .
I hope all my friends on here stay safe. X

Today I am still as full of gratitude to be gamble-free. I am still really happy to have money in the bank (not a lot this month but I can eat !).
Today there is also something new … I can see things with clarity .

We can try to blame ourselves and our gambling addiction on everything which goes wrong in our lives. We can blame ourselves for our relationships being less than perfect.

In truth many of us are escaping from something- whether it’s memories , trauma or very controlling people in our lives – people who could decide at any moment that they want to bring joy into our lives instead of being on their own agenda. Their own agenda means controlling and thinking they know best !

The difference between gambling and not gambling is that we can clearly see things for how they are. Our sight has come into focus.

I now have had almost a week of the latest “moodswing” – the one where someone else chooses to be in a mood and criticises all day long for weeks on end.

It starts as soon as they wake up and I am awoken, regardless of the hour , because of the urgent need to ask me a mundane question about the dog or the heating or criticise something I did less than perfectly !

It then continues throughout the day – I’m lazy, on my phone too much (they never put theirs down), selfish , the world revolves around me , I don’t care about my child, I don’t put the groceries away properly, I’m careless, the house is a mess, I’m a gypsy, I’m stupid, if I had brains I would be dangerous and it goes on and on all day long.

It’s the continuity which makes it seem normal.

I guess when I was younger there were interludes when I was also pretty and there was a sense of pride to be with me.
Unfortunately, the years and ageing have wiped away these nicer interludes!

Despite all I must have always had some sense of self worth because I take it all with a pinch of salt … or do I? I know I gambled for a long time. Was it to escape?

So today I have decided no more ! This person can sort himself out or I will sort the relationship myself! I deserve better – I deserve to either have the peace of being alone or the joy and positive companionship of being in a relationship.

I do not deserve to be a pawn in someone else’s months’ long moods.

People get too hung up on in sickness and in health and forget about the love, honour and respect !

It’s kinda like gambling -one day you just know it’s time to say “no more”!

Thank you steev and Seanraj for your positive posts.

Steev you are so right – we cannot tackle anything else while we are lost to gambling addiction.

What’s new in my life ? I now have a cleaner who comes for a few hours a week while I’m at work . I arrive home to a clean house and I can focus on other things like cooking nice meals and sorting out messy areas. It’s just nice that the house work isn’t hanging over me ! Himself isn’t most pleased but I offered to pay him the same rate to do it and strangely he didn’t seem that keen!

I love this new me !!

Thank you Vera.
I guess when we were young and had our lives ahead of us, we didn’t dream about giving as good as we get!
We didn’t dream about it because who would chose a living decades of their life battling constantly to avoid being crushed.

For me the battle is almost over – one way or another.
I have self-sacrificed for too many years and the manipulation no longer triggers my guilt.
I have little to feel guilty about – I spent some money . I worked hard my whole married life and yes I have have made mistakes. However the biggest mistake was choosing the wrong escape – I chose gambling when I should have just chosen me !!

Thank you Velvet,
I guess this addiction did find me – to be honest it feels like it has been there simmering my whole life – but it certainly was ready to boil over once the opportunity arose.

This current crisis with corona has me questioning the future – I am so grateful that I am not trying bargains on empty shelves. I am so grateful that I have a little money behind me.
I am also frightened as to how our world will look in four months time.

I can only focus on today and doing my best for today .

Thanks Monica
I think I am going Covid crazy.
I have mixed feelings about being a key worker – on the one hand I want to do my bit for society as a whole – on the other hand I am at the older end of the workforce and I feel worried about catching the virus. I guess all key workers are vulnerable at this time and we all need to do our bit.

I also find it very hard to get motivated – I don’t work well in isolation – I miss knowing that I can pop into cafe or shop when I feel like it . It feels like this will go on forever.

I worry that I have seen family members like my mum for the last time. It feel like I suddenly have an old head on me – one that worries about “what ifs” except this time the what ifs may well become real.

I know I am supporting too many people right now – I am carrying people who will drain the last bit of “lifeblood” from me and give nothing in return. I also am supporting people who need my help to manage this crisis.

As I Read this back I realise the old “ you become the average of the five people you spend most time with” is true . I have turned into a moaning ninny just like those who are currently draining my battery.

In real life we can run, only stop for a minute, have work to get done – but in isolation we are there night and day through our phones.

Looks like this virus might force phone free time on me – for my sanity !

Moan over – gonna return to optimistic me by morn .

As part of my recovery, I have a list of warning signs … signs I need to take action. Posting last night allowed me to clarify some things – I need to step back from those who seek to only take. It is good to take stock sometimes.

Most relationships are about give and take. That is healthy. These are the relationships we should nurture. There will always be times when the balance is unequal – that is the nature of life- we all need different levels of support at different times. Overall however, relationships should make us feel good.

When relationships don’t make Us feel good, or stop being equal – then it is time to step back . This is one of the biggest lessons I have learned during recovery.

Tonight I will devote ten minutes to answering the 40-50 messages from my “energy drainers” and then forget about them until tomorrow night.

My recovery comes first ! I have stepped back from several people since I have been in recovery and my life has only improved.

I guess when it comes to relationships it’s quality not quantity!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you who are mothers!
I have had a beautiful, flower-filled start to mine.
Feeling loved xx

The current pandemic has given us all time to reflect as our movements are curtailed.

I have realised that I have played a not insignificant role in work- and people at all levels have been seeking my advice – yet my current position does not reflect my workload and level of responsibility.

A hasty, exhausted response from one manager, let me see clearly that my way forward is being blocked – when the pressure is on people reveal who they really are or perhaps I am just really good at reading between the lines.

So today I am applying for new jobs – I have decided I’m not too old, too tired , too worn. I am a passionate, hardworking, creative and person, who people readily approach for help. I have built some great friendships where I work but I don’t want to look back in ten years and think “what if?”.

Today I am going to value me and my contribution in the workplace – the extra training I have undertaken, the many projects I have led on, the teams I have motivated- today I am putting me first and I am no longer going to carry out a senior role on a salary which does not reflect my workload.

Time for a change!

Thanks Steev – I definitely need advice.

I try to notice my moods, feelings and thoughts and monitor where they lead.
Today I guess, despite that really strong post I wrote earlier, I feel unvalued.
Of course within hours gambling thoughts have started to emerge.
Not thoughts of a big win today – I realise that working gives me enough money – but just warm, fuzzy thoughts about that great feeling when you have just put your money in at the start and you have all to play for. It’s like a buzz, a strong sedative – just a wonderful, warm feeling.

Of course we know it usually leads to a hangover from hell but for that short while it feels so good !

So how to I lift myself today? I am tempted to turn to my number 2 drug of choice – food.

How can I during this lonely, planet-pause crisis find joy? This could be a struggle. Perhaps we need extra chats on here ?

Thank Monica,
I appreciate your reply.
I used to knit when I was younger – did a few scarves!

Today I am feeling quite cross .
I have continued to get texts from online casinos about their offers – they are usually once two weeks or so. Since we went into lock-down today I have had three! THREE!

It feels like as a society we are pulling together and really trying to stop the spread of this disease.
Yet these Leeches are taking advantage of the fact that we are all more vulnerable right now and increasing their marketing.

Come on Mr Ineffective Bumbling embarrassment- on- the – world- stage Prime Minister – do something right!
Stop organisations taking advantage of the Current pandemic!

Another good reason to stay stopped – it cuts the income going to these ruthless, money grabbing parasites !

…yes I am quite annoyed …

Thanks Vera for your post.
Just earlier this morning I was thinking that I have “lost” God – I’m not sure whether the phone line is temporarily down or all is completely gone. There have been too many struggles in the last decade and too often it felt that I was alone.

Perhaps it’s the urgency of the current pandemic but I keep thinking about how short my remaining life is. Even if I live a very long life it is more than half over. I have achieved so little and have felt stunted during the years I had energy to follow my dreams. I don’t even know what my dreams are anymore.

More and more I feel I need to go through the rest of my life flying solo. Who wants the humdrum of making breakfast, washing dishes and keeping a house – and on a good day a visit to the beach. Perhaps if I could look back on a wonderfully happy life I would be happy to continue as is.

Its not often in life we have time to stop and think. Who knows how many of us will change direction after this pandemic?

Thank you Seanraj for your post.

If my calculations are correct I reached 200 days yesterday.

I have had a huge amount of support – I attended a residential, I had counselling, I have ongoing “check-ins” and I attend groups on here.

Yet, I I find myself triggered by the recent increase in advertising by some companies and I guess the boredom of staying at home.

I wrote the other day that they had texted me three time since lock down -I noticed later that they also left two voice messages! Little wonder I felt triggered, but their numbers are now blocked.

On the positive side this lockdown has highlighted for me that I need to be ever vigilant – Sure this disease may sleep for a while but it is ever present.

Also there are also people out there who want me to fail- those people who can make a lot of money from me.

However there is a will inside me to succeed. My brain is learning how much better life can be without gambling.

Onwards and upwards !

Lol Vera
I would be too mortified to say to a lawyer that I had a gambling problem – so that’s not an option.

But yes I am self- excluded, signed up to Gamstop ( which is pretty useless) and they definitely should not be contacting me .

Maybe the casino could sue Gambling Therapy for loss of sales!

Lol Vera
I would be too mortified to say to a lawyer that I had a gambling problem – so that’s not an option.

But yes I am self- excluded, signed up to Gamstop ( which is pretty useless) and they definitely should not be contacting me .

Maybe the casino could sue Gambling Therapy for loss of sales!

Today I am really starting to enjoy working from home .
I need to let go of guilt – so what if I stay in bed late, so what if I don’t get all the work done I intended, so what if I watch too much Netflix? So what ?

Why is guilt such a huge part of my life? It holds me back- it makes me feel overwhelmed and it switches my focus from issue to issue so I get nothing done.

Today I’m going to say
“well done me- you made lunch!
Well done me – you washed dishes.
Well done me – you spent quality time with your son.
Well done me – you managed to do some ‘work’
Well done me – you shared jokes with your friends
Well done me- you hoovered a little
Well done me!”

I think having time off has really made me really notice my thoughts.
We are our own worse critics – time to treat ourselves as kindly as we do others!

Six months ago I never dreamt the country would be in lock-down.
I never dreamt that my son’s exams would be cancelled.
I never dreamt that I would be banned from seeing my mother and family.
I never dreamt that the future would be so uncertain.

While all this seems completely incredible I know there is something else I never dreamt would happen.

I had all but given up hope of ever being gamble free.
I felt this demon would possess me forever.
Deep inside I “knew” I was incapable of stopping.

The demon still possesses me but it’s power has weakened – or perhaps mine has strengthened.
It still waits for a moment of weakness and then it strikes but my barriers are good and it cannot get a hit.

Anyone who has been in the grip of gambling addiction understands what prison really is. Without the awful guilt, shame, regret, self- hatred and loss – self isolating for Corona is actually ok.
It’s boring but my brain no longer craves the intense highs and lows that gambling brought. It has learned to enjoy living life at a slower pace- on an even keel.

I am enjoying being at home- and just …being .

Thanks Monica x

Tonight I had really strong urges to gamble- the type of urges which would have led to gambling if it wasn’t for my barriers.
Something is slipping and I’m not sure what
.
I have to go to work tomorrow – perhaps that’s stressing me .
I have nothing much to look forward to (thanks to lockdown).
Something has changed because tonight barriers saved me.

I am on the verge of real financial security – maybe I want to self sabotage?
I guess it’s a good thing that when I was feeling strong (or maybe I felt weak ) I put barriers in place.

Recovery is so good usually – payday on Tuesday – no reward of dinner out or new clothes – plan for the unexpected they said…

How on earth could anyone plan for this pandemic ?

I keep myself going by thinking I will have extra money and I will plan some good trips – but then I wonder will the world be ever normal again – and if it is will I be here to enjoy it?

I am such a bundle of laughs tonight. I need to get a grip and fill my time a little more constructively.

I am still gamble free – I guess that’s something to be happy about. I am also pleased to see that Ireland’s aggressive strategy for controlling Corona seems to be yielding positive results. I guess I can always holiday on the island when this is all over …

Thank you Steev, Vera and RG for your very thoughtful posts.

Today the urges are dying down – I ate my way through them.
I think it’s the boredom of lockdown and a bit of self sabotage.
I didn’t gamble so there’s a clear message gone to the addiction!

Nothing to write about but at least no gambling to report – I’m a week off seven Months gamble free.

Onwards and upwards

Many times when I gambled I would think it’s not too bad – I only spent £100 or £150.
Of course I did without lots of things while I was gambling .

Today I am reflecting on some purchases I made last night online at Argos. I spent under £80 and I now have a bathroom scales, dumbbells and a lovely fire pit for my garden.
Sure none of it’s top of the range but I have them now, they will improve my family’s wellbeing and health and all together they cost less than a “cheap” night gambling.

These are all things which will help me get through the lockdown with my mental and physical health intact. For someone like me, in early recovery these are essential items- things I have deprived myself of and which will motivate me.

My weekly cleaner is also proving to be a huge benefit. There is an added bonus that everyone seems to be tidying as we go along. It is lovely to walk downstairs each morning and have everything feel so clean. I will miss this perk during lockdown. The benefits of not gambling are becoming greater and greater.

Next on my list I am considering investing in family bicycles- perhaps second hand. Suddenly the possibilities seem endless – last night I googled old barges (not sure why – I have a huge phobia to water, sea, rivers – and am convinced I drowned in a past life).

I wish I could go back and do things better – I can’t – I can only make today the best day it can be. I can only make changes for my family for today. I am incredibly grateful that I have today and it’s many possibilities.

Today I am doing a huge clear out of my wardrobes and bedroom. Not gambling means I can dump things I used to feel the need to keep, because I know I can buy again if I’m stuck.

My home is becoming a place I love being – so much more calm and clean than in my gambling days. Not much else to report- Saturdays in lockdown aren’t terribly exciting.

I was awake most of last night with severe tummy cramps – I thought this must be appendicitis or something serious because I had no other symptoms and it was a severe pain I never remember having before.
Today I am a lot better but something feels sore.
I went back to bed this afternoon- I was exhausted. My husband came home from work and the criticising started as soon as he walked in.

I don’t want to be part of this anymore. All I could think last night was that I have waited too long to have a nice life where I am master of my own destiny. If I had to go to hospital I don’t fancy my chances at the moment. If I get this virus will I recover? Has my life been just about battling to survive rather than living?

I need to make some huge decisions -I don’t know if I’m ready for them, and I’m not sure of how I will manage alone. I want to want to go downstairs at the weekend instead of watching Netflix in my room. I want to potter around my garden and not have my work criticised. I want to buy a lamp or vase and have it admired instead of criticised. I want to decorate a room and not be met with a litany of how I am doing it wrong. I want to do things without stopping to think of the complaints I will receive. I want to return to my love of DIY. I want to wake up and know I can do whatever I like because there is none to criticise.!

I want to feel appreciated just a little … but at the moment there is nothing to appreciate as I have checked out!

I feel my acceptance changing to resentment.
Maybe at times this is a positive emotion as it might drive some change !
I don’t want to be on my deathbed having these regrets…

Agree with all you have written Vera except I feel my life is upsidedown now and I would be putting it right! xx

Marriage is probably great for some adults – to be honest  it wasn’t something I ever felt I needed but then I guess I allowed myself to be manipulated in so many ways. No more – onwards and upwards !

Just realised I reached seven months gamble free and am
Two days into my eight month yahoo !!

Thank you RG, Monica , Steev, StevieV and Vera

I’m not sure how but I missed most of these replies … I think I just figured no one would write and didn’t check even though I have been on the site loads.

If someone else was writing what I am about to write I would question their intelligence … he has been watching his p’s and q’s and I’m thinking maybe things are on the up … well mostly … my standards have dropped so much. I’m grateful not to be sworn at and name called ( much!).There is definitely a cycle of some sort at play here.

I am going to read each of your replies again and consider carefully what you all have said.

Thank you so much for your considerate responses.

Steev
You should write a thread on this topic … or a book.

Already ideas are floating around my head.

How do u put stuff like that ?

Please post this in recovery tools .

You have made my love of “partying” ok and also have given me ideas for how I can use this to give my life a sense of purpose.
Thank you .

Thank joerdj-
I’ll ask someone to sort it .

Hi Avaskavich

One of the things I found most helpful in stopping was to get a gambling blocker. I use gamban. You can get a free trial. If we could rely on willpower or mindset, none of us would be addicted.

Another thing which helped me was having a card I cannot use online. So I cancelled my bank card, requested a new one and when It arrived I got someone else to scratch off the back three numbers. I can still use it in shops but not online. You will need someone to help with this because first time I tried it myself and my brain automatically remembered the number .

If you open your own thread (go to bottom of page and select new topic) you will get lots of advice. Also there are support groups on here which might help you .

hope this helps 

My reply was in reply to your post.

I am a Christian – I love God! I’m sorry if my posting thhis offends you. 

I don’t think you were here when I was struggling so my post referred to you in no way.

I’m not actually sure how my saying people telling me which actions to take were more helpful than quoting cliches at me has been perceived to mean I can’t  talk about God ?

Completely lost on this one ? 

Thanks for your post RG,
Yes we have to consider the financial implications for our futures.

Do you remember that book The Secret ? I am currently watching a little bit of it every night before I go to sleep. It is on Netflix.
It’s kinda changing my mindset although I’m not sure that thinking about something makes it happen. If it did I would have won one of those super jackpots years ago for I thought about little else for a decade.

It is helping me though to think about what I want. I drift a lot with no real direction.

I have had to leave the house for some work and to be honest it has taken the monotony away – I had a very socially distanced coffee with friends at work – we yelled across a room at each other but it was still nice to get out and meet people.

Life is ok – I am missing my cleaner terribly, the house is getting completely out of hand but today I’m going to start early and do the work myself – I am going to tell myself I am enjoying it haha. That’s the secret!

That’s about it – the birds woke me . I don’t find this as annoying as I used to. I have started having internal dialogues between my inner parent and child. The spoilt child has dominated for too long . It sounds crazy but now I tell the child to go to bed in time – life is better with enough sleep. I tell her one chocolate bar is enough (instead of six). I tell her get up and do housework( she’s a little reluctant on this one ). It seems to work or else I am losing my marbles during lockdown.

Ok inner child – that’s enough talk, go do some work ! lol
Talk soon!

Thanks for your reply Monica.

Today I have a red wine hangover – online get-together with friends. It was good at the time – not so good now. I have made a rule that I only drink once a week during lockdown because it is too easy for it to become a daily habit, especially when I am not obliged to drive next morning. I might review this and cut down further. I always need to remember I have an addictive nature and need to monitor many areas of my life where addiction could become a problem.

I am feeling very happy inside myself – it’s hard to explain but I have thrown off the old thoughts and behaviours which used to drag me down. I seem to be able to process “upsets” very quickly now and move on.
I am noticing behaviours and how I present myself . I have stopped trying to rescue the world (which I somehow felt was my job whether they felt they needed rescuing or not! Lol). I am putting myself out there with the confidence of someone who likes herself and believes that she is likeable.
I am doing ok!

Thank you LSA,
I really appreciate your reply.
Well done on your almost two months – those early months are challenging so every day is an achievement.

This week I have decided to slow down and look practice self-care. I need to prioritise sleep, exercise and healthy eating.
I also am going to spend some relaxed time clearing clutter – there is no huge rush -‘it has sat there for years – I can deal with it slowly.

Not much to report – I reach 8 months gamble free on Thursday. I’m in a good place. Life is good!

Thanks your post Nick,
Hang in there – it will be so worth it.

Today I have reached another milestone.
8 months gamble free.
I couldn’t start to explain how things have changed for me.

I don’t spend my time panic stricken about money – my latest losses, trying to cover-up, counting and counting in my head, obsessively planning cheap dinners, searching for loans , making sure I get bank statement- when I think about it at least 90% of my mental energy went into gambling and it’s consequences.

I now wake up refreshed after a good night’s sleep. I remind myself every day that I have enough. “ENOUGH” has become my mantra. Enough gives me a peaceful life.

My mind is on an even keel- no more extreme highs and lows.
My moods are on an even keel also.

It’s time I started to do the things I really want to do -my home improvements – perhaps today will be the day?

Thank you Vera and Steev,
Yes Vera , I had reached the point where I knew I would never stop and this would be my life forever. THis called for drastic action- I did the bravest thing of my life – I went for residential treatment – me who is afraid to stay in a hotel alone! It has changed my life.

Steev your motivation to learn and see new things is amazing. I am more of a binge on Netflix type – I seem to have lost my motivation for everything else.

Today I start my ninth month gamble free – it’s a good feeling.
Today I am going to get moving and start to work on “my” space – it is a home office/ relaxing space . It is newly painted – a white box – I’m excited now – when I do my essential shopping today I mite pick up a few cushions and things for it. Little steps. Progress not perfection !

On Friday I was to start on “my space”.
When I went shopping I didn’t buy the cushions and accessories I had intended – I bought a sweet little zip up, walk in greenhouse.
I think I have found a hobby I really love.

As a child I wanted to be a gardener – I remember working away in little plots, sowing vegetables and flowers, and sometimes creating a little space to sit which would delight everyone, especially my really old grandparents ( a few old bricks and a hedge clippers) . I was creative and self- motivated. We lived on a small quite neglected farm, so there was always a new space I could work on- I taught myself skills that most children would never learn like basic brick laying and plastering. I could cut a piece of wood to fit any shape!

I loved the idea of doing up my home, and for a while it was great – it was my own taste but on trend. I broke the rules and each room had a completely different look to the next. Each room had a finished look .
When on a trip, I picked up huge vases and accessories that had to be squeezed into the over head space on aircrafts. I often took day trips to other cities (when those one day return offers used to be incredibly cheap) just to go to home- shops.
I remember my sister and friends commenting on my interior design skills. I loved my home and loved having guests.

And then somewhere along the way the constant criticism started to feel oppressive -today I think I could paint the bathroom, but tonight I know I will be criticised terribly – it will be my work, it will be me : “that’s ****” , “you’ll start that and not finish”, “you want everything done now” “you’d be better cleaning this house” and on it goes …incessantly.

Nowadays I am painting my whole house white because I am “afraid”I will get it wrong. I can’t make up my mind about the cheapest cushion or accessory in case I get it wrong. I am “fearful” of making a mistake. I need to stress I am never afraid for my physical well-being – quite the opposite actually.

I’m being very long winded but I guess the sense of freedom I have in my little greenhouse , the pure joy in pottering about out there, doing something I have rediscovered I still love, a reason to jump out of bed in the morning, – all of it is a huge unexpected bonus in my life.

I am finding me in my little “zen space” in my garden .
An added bonus is my son finds it just as wonderful as I do.
I have saved a little money and I have think that I am going to invest in a proper greenhouse- one big enough to have a small sitting area- I think I have found my new home! Who knows I year from now I might be ordering a “woman cave” for my garden- a place where I can entertain and feel free!

Thank you RG and Charles

I can’t even answer your posts because my internet blocker has just failed.

I feel incredibly nervous like I have an exam I’m unprepared for.
I also feel a bit relieved that I feel nervous instead of excited that I can now gamble on my phone.

I think maybe I have worked too hard at recovery and it evaded me for so long that I’m not prepared to give it up.
I’m not prepared to go back to the horrible old days.

When I put the blocker on my phone I needed it.
Since then I have gained a plethora of tools which I now have at my disposal. I am capable of making good choices for myself.

All those times I walked past the lottery stand- my phone blocker didn’t do that – I did.
All those times I could have nipped into a casino and didn’t – my phone blocker didn’t do that -I did .

I could easily have used my son’s computer if I really wanted to gamble. I guess it just I’m nervous because the stabilisers are off my bike

But I’m ok – I got this !

Hi Vera , hi Darkenergy
Thank you both for your posts.

At first I thought Darkenergy means well but he doesn’t know me. However, I have been tempted every night for the past few days.
I haven’t gambled because I have gained a certain strength while I haven been gamble free…but who needs the hassle of fighting this battle when a blocker frees my mind! Your advice is spot on.
Vera you are right too about mindset – if we relied completely on barriers- the minute they fail we would fail. We need to keep ourselves safe and work on ourselves !

Bottom line is why make this any more difficult than it needs to be?
There are no prizes for making things hard – the prizes are for staying gamble free however we manage to do that and I’m not ready to hand the prizes I earned back !
I have had the best 8 months of the past decade and I am happy!

PS -I just updated the iOS thing on my phone .  I then downloaded gamban  again- there are now two copies on my phone – one working, one not! I tried to turn it off in the same way and it won’t switch off. I feel a huge sense of freedom! 

Thank you Charles

My little greenhouse has taken a battering in the storm. It tossed and turned by baby plants and has thrown them from their pots. I have done my best to rescue them.

I intended writing about how I am no longer abstaining from gambling. I don’t mean I have gambled, I mean my focus is now on more ordinary things like the wallpapering I am about to do or my garden.

When I go to the food shopping I am not searching for bargain food, I look for interesting new foods shop to try. I even am developing a taste for organic meat!

When I go for a browse around a shop, I am not bypassing the “frivolous” things; I am buying them and enjoying them. Who could have know I really needed a dog with light up eyes hanging in my garden ? It makes me smile.

Yesterday I was in m&s and the shoes which would have been so expensive a year ago, seemed like a good investment. I am thinking “key- pieces” rather than charity shop pieces.

Despite this I am more careful with my money than I have ever been. I know I need to be able to pay college fees, upgrade my car, upgrade my home and maybe upgrade me!

Life is great in recovery. If you haven’t already done so, please come on-board.