All about balancing it out? Day 1
My first post. I wish it wasn't necessary for me to come here today but it is.
I am not looking for support but don't mind a kind word but primarily here to see what am I doing wrong.
I apologize for the long story. I don't know why I even have the urge to sum it all like this or if it is good to think in this way about it.
I am in my 30's and have been a casino visitor every now and then through last 10-12 years.
I've never been interested in any casino games apart from el. roulette.
I am well aware that it is rigged in a way that it will payout a certain percentage out of all the money it gets.
To sum it up my feelings about it are that you can't win there, and even if you do what luck is that amount going to bring?
It certainly wont solve all my life problems, whatever you can win there, and am well aware you can loose a lot.
I started gambling when I was about 18 and lost couple of thousand euros since. There was a time when I was around 22 where I
had very little control over it and If I happened to have the money back then I would have definitely lost all of it, luckily I was out of job so didn't
have much to gamble, but what I had - I lost it. It was very serious, I came up with all sorts of ideas to get money to gamble it, had 0 understanding of the problem that I have and 0 knowledge on how to tackle it. I did feel very bad about it but I didn't see a solution. I hurt my family in the process. We don't talk to this day as I feel ashamed and that I've hurt them and their lives and thats something I KNOW I cant balance out, whereas unfortunately with the money bit I have that feeling deep down I can, although I know I cant and even If I did it wouldnt fix anything. Problem is when you get comfortable again.
Then comes a 2nd period of my gambling story and thats a 3 year break from this very bad stage.
After 3 years I went back to it again but with a lot more control, I kind of set up a concept in my head that I dont want to be seen there,
that visiting such a place is below my life goals, I kind of fixed it with these ideas, so even If I was going rarely I would not loose a lot of money, or
more precisely whatever I would loose in 1 night I left it at that. Would come back in at least a month or two, just too loose some more money again obviously.
This went on for couple of years and back then I finished college, started working, girlfriend the rest of it and I kind of appreciated more what I have to loose If I let it take over me. But still wasn't in full control.
After this I took another quite a long break, maybe another 3 years and last year around this time I was under a lot of stress and found myself visiting the place again, like a newbie won some money which tricked me into thinking I can win again. Ended up loosing half of my salary in a week. I felt so bad about this and that I let it happen that I actually decided to tell my girlfriend about this and that I feel it could spiral out of control and that I could loose more... gave her the ccards, worked overtime to get the money back and I was fine. I have however hidden the full extent of the issue.
I was fine (didnt think of going back or went back) up until this period of the year, 12 months later where due to work etc. I get a lot of stress. I've been feeling it for days now, piling up, like a devil setting up a trap for me to fall into, I felt I am walking towards it, I knew what's ahead and still kept walking towards it.
Due to stress etc. got into a minor car incident where I ended up loosing, you will laugh, 80 quid to pay for the repairs...
And that pushed me to go to the casino again, to try to win that amount back and balance it out. Needless to say I lost, couple of hundred, but it
it feels like a million, because I feel like I've let the devil win. Honestly I didnt go for the atm but just for what I had in the pocket, but I cant say for sure, that I was 100% not to do it. Now I feel like I've let down my girlfriend and her trust, everyone I know, that something bad is bound to happen to me, that I've ruined all the good I've built and jeopardized it. I told her I broke my 12 months period of being free of it, gave her the cards etc. again so I don't get ideas to try and win it back.
Thinking about this going forward I've come to conclusion I have a strong feeling of that whatever I do in life this thing will be left in my shadow as a winner and as a devil waiting for me to fall in its trap again. I have a strong urge to somehow balance it out although I know that even If I did it wouldn't change the fact that I could walk into that trap again.
I am here to ask how do you fight this, how do you stay out if it for good?
Even more so, If I bounce back again and stay out if it for a while I will again get comfortable thinking its not a big deal, but it is, like I did today, I forgot how bad does it feel.