I’m back on the site again after nearly 18 months away.
Back in February 2009 I stopped gambling for 24 weeks.  I thought that after this period I could then control the urge and could gamble for an entertainment only.  But, as with all compulsive gamblers I was deluding myself.
After the 24 week period I started having small bets which when I won would stay small.  As all of you problem gamblers know its not when you win the problem arises its when you lose.  This for me is when anger, shame and the want to get my money back kicks in that eats away at my soul.
After each session when I lost, the feeling of I’m not going to bet again would come back over me.  Then after a period of about 2 weeks I would be down, happy or for some other deluded reason would then go back and have another dabble.  During which I would end up losing again, and go through the same thoughts/ feelings.  This seemed to mean I would go mainly through a 2 week cycle.
I remember on 1 occasion, I took £200 out of my account at lunch time.  That evening after I finished work I went to a bookmakers near my office.  I turned the £200 into £800! Get in there I thought great result.  But, I live about a 35 minute drive from where I work.  On the way home, which onroute is a bookmaker, I had it my mind that I could ‘top-up’ my winnings so that I would have £1000.  By the time I left the onroute home bookmakers the £800 turned into a big fat zero.
On other occasions I would go to the bookmakers with £40 or £50, lose it, be so incensed that I would go to the cash point, take out £300 to £400 and end up losing this trying to get my initial bet £40 ro £50 loss back.  Absolutely stupid and beyond words when you look at it on the cold light of day.
As I said earlier I did and do have inner strength. I could stay away for a few weeks and abstain. But, when my monthly payday comes along I would think that I could have a bet and control it.  This never ever happened.  If I win I’m I think I’m on roll, and bet till I lose.  If I lose I bet until my daily withdrawal limit is maxed-out.  Which with my debit card and 2 credit cards is usually about £1000 later.
I can always remember thinking every time I left the bookmakers, at least one point in every visit I’d be ‘up’ in terms of winnings. But, greed or stupidity will never let me walk away when I’m up.  I guess this is trait with all problem gamblers.
Anyway, I’ve now been clean, not had a bet and am still feeling strong after 11 days.  Yes, its getting up to the point where I usually relent and have a bet.  But, I am not going to have one this time. 
I’ve worked out that I’ve been gambling since 1998.  I’ve lost between £10,000 and £15,000 every single year for the last 13/14 years.  Probably I’ve lost about £120,000 to £140,000.  Which for some of you out there may seem like an stupid amount others, a small sum by comparison with your own loses. 
Let me put it this way I’ve always wanted to buy a Porsche 911.  I deluded myself that through gambling I could win enough to buy one.  Well, if I’d not had a bet I could have one now!!  I always wanted to have a Tag Heur watch.  But, I could never bring myself to buy one because I thought they are too expensive.  Well if I’d stopped gambling for 4 to 6 weeks I could have bought one and paid for it in cash!!
Anyway, this time I’m going to stop.  End of.  In 1 year in October 30th 2012 I’m going to but that TAG watch to celebrate.  I’m going to get it enscribed on the back ‘ Bought With Money The Bookie Couldn’t Take’.  Can’t say I’ll buy the Porsche in 10 years but, being clean will let me have a dream not a delusion.
I’m going to stay on this site.  Read a little every day to remind me, I’m going to stay strong, love my family who I’ve neglected and say a prayer for each and every one of you as well as myself. 
There’s a big world out there and I’m going to find out what its all about!
Andrew.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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