I used to think things happen for a reason. Regardless of the outcome every action in some way or another was predetermined. Weather it be my upbringing or society's conditioning whichever path I embarked on was someone else's choice. I guess it enabled me to overlook responsibility and point the finger. It gave me a sense of ease knowing that all my flaws were undoubtedly inherited and therefore were not mine.
I always understood I had a compulsive behavior, it was evident in the way I led my life. It was the trivial things at first, playing a video game endlessly, ensuring when I ate a packet of chips I devoured the whole packet no matter how big the packet was, the dwelling the not knowing when to stop. I know if it wasn't the gambling it would have been something else. However it is the gambling.
I am not here to get into the specifics, for everyone here has undoubtedly read the same book. The book that details the lies and deceit, the heart break, the sadness and ultimately the demise. It's just the characters in this book vary for each of us. I must say I haven't reached the demise, the rock bottom as some would say. I don't know whether it's because of my mind kicking into survival mode or just my manipulation, somehow I think it's the latter or just my mind surviving through manipulation.
Speaking of survival, it's amazing how long one can survive with this addiction. For those in relationships, (which to me all compulsive gamblers are or once were) for it survive it needs fuel or what some may call enablement. A CG can not survive on their own or their demise would arrive very quickly. I guess that's why I have survived so long with it. There is a character in my book that enabled me, offering a get out of jail free card on demand.
However the funny thing is years on end it no longer becomes survival, it manifests into something else. Something that has not only a piece of me but a piece of every character in that book. This brings me to what i mentioned at the start about the choices in my life that are not actually my choices. I am beginning to question this theory, and through my questioning I am awakening to the idea that those choices are mine. I acknowledge that this is a struggle, but ultimately I am the author and the ending is how I choose it to be.