Hello Jackie

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

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The Gambling Therapy Team

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Hi Jackie
I am sorry I have not sent you a reply sooner. I had just got back from a couple of days away when I first read you post, I replied in word and then went and did something else and completely forgot to post it. This doesn’t help you one jot, however and I can only hope you return to the forum again for the support you should have had earlier and which you deserve.
Your partner is blaming you, calling you the crazy one to distract you from that which you know to be true – he has gambled and the responsibility for doing so, it his and his alone.
The swanning around is common and it is swan like – assuming a look of calm serenity on the surface but desperately trying to keep control underneath. Your partner will lack confidence and self-esteem and both these things are often covered by swaggering behaviour. He has an addiction that means he will fail if he indulges it and constant failure is hard to live with – hence the bravado act that is only on the surface.
It is indeed a shame that you have to check the business account so often but I suggest that it is something you will need to do, while you decide what you want to do next, in order to protect your interest. Your partner is capable of bleeding the account dry if he gets the opportunity.
Does your partner accept he has an addiction? Has he ever sought help?
In answer to your final question, ‘you’ cannot control his addiction, only he can do that and he has to want to do it. What you can do, which is important for you and for him is to look after yourself because if you do fall, you will not be able to support yourself, never mind your partner.
I hope you will post again and maybe pop into an F&F group where you will be very welcome.
Velvet

Hi Jackie
Your partner says that therapy and/or talking to someone doesn’t work and I am wondering on what he bases this inaccurate belief? Where has he sought support from?
I am sure I am stating what you already know when I say that is that it is unfair of your partner to ask you to do his worrying for him. It seems to me that he is passing the buck as a way to keep things jogging along without any effort on his part while you do all the work. Sadly, active CGs often see those who love them as soft targets and likely to give in – given time.
Your partner has suggested that he does accept that he has an addiction but I think he is keeping his foot in the door to stop you shutting it completely on his access to money for gambling because although self-exclusion is admirable, he will need more on-going support – after all why try and go it alone when he doesn’t have to do so? He is misinformed if he believes that abstinence alone is recovery. Has there been any change in his behaviour since he self-excluded?
Keep checking your finances; I am sure you are aware that a gambling addiction once triggered can do a lot of damage in a very short time.
Please look after yourself; you are right that screaming and shouting at him will not do either of you any good – looking after you will keep you healthy and able to cope.
Please keep posting
Always listening
Velvet