Compulsive!

Hello - I am a compulsive gambler.  I posted in September, but that post is no longer available.  I have been fighting the gambling bug for over a year.  My husband and I are fairly "comfortable"... but my gambling can make us live on the edge financially.  My husband is in the oil field business and works out of town for two weeks at a time...

My "higher self" has taken me out of the game since I registered with the GCA self-exclusion program... my money is no good at casinos anymore.  I have turned my finances over to our son - he now has possesion of my debit, checking and all credit accounts.  He will only be here through June, though, then I will be on my own again.

I know I cannot gamble responsibly, but yet my thoughts are still full of the action of a casino.  I am in a battle for my life.

Tonight is Christmas.  I had a wonderful evening with my grandchildren, my husband and two sons, yet now they are all asleep, and if I could get my hands on any money, I would go throw it away at the neighborhood casino.  What in God's name is the matter with me???

I attend a local GA meeting weekly.  We are new, and none of us really know what we are doing....

I am just posting since I cannot go gamble, even if I wanted to, since in a saner moment, I have relinquished all control of my own finances.  I won't gamble tonight, since I can't.  I just want the desire to go away.  Does anyone have any hints for me??

I want to do more with my life than just barely make the bills then go gamble away the rest........ I have dreams..... of maybe taking a nice holiday in March - which I can do if I stay out of a casino and manage to save my money - this gambling addiction is evil and I am wondering to what extent I will go to get my fix.  I have put roadblocks in my way, but how long will they last?  How can I eliminate the desire to gamble from my life?

I have only embezzled from my own family - while what I have done is immoral, it is not illegal, unless my husband were to file suit against me for alienation of affection or something........ which he says he will not do.  He loves me, amazingly.  I have come clean with him to the extent of the damage I have done to US with my gambling addiction.  He is supportive. 

I have had a drink tonight, and this might not be a coherant post - but make no mistake - I want the desire to gamble to be taken from me........ how can I do that??

Thanks for listening.