Day 300, c,one bow to a year

Don't know how to delete the title, finger slipped on the ipad. But I hope everyone gets my drift. Today is day 300 gf, a cause for celebration, and on the home run to 1 year gf.

Have things improved? Yes, yes and yes and daily I am grateful for it, each and every day. I really didnt think I was going to make it, but I am still here and alive, and i give thanks for that. My health has improved, my finances have improved and soon I will have a diagnosis for over a year's worth of gut problems.

Today I have spent my time preparing for a holiday I haven't booked yet and it is fun, that time in the summer when we prepare our summer wardrobe for what we will take with us on our hols. For me, I find it fun and very satisfying in a way I find hard to explain.

Pete moved out last weekend but he popped round on Friday night and within 5 mins both he fell asleep on the chair and I also fell asleep. It was good to see him and Bailey again. I miss Bailey but not the dog hair everywhere. I went to the chinese doc yesterday, he says still gut problems in mid abdomen. I have to agree as although things have much improved, I still have some symptoms and can relate them to dairy. I have noticed that when I have done a big shop for food, I eat quite a lot in a short space of time, and I wonder if that is related to lack in adulthood. In my childhood, my father was brill at cooking and putting food on the table, the one area where there wasnt a lack, although in everything else there was.

The chinese doc is changing the herbs now to build the immune system. Yesterday he put the needle where the third eye is, he calls it the happy place, and on removing it i bled a little and it is still swollen today but going down. Impossible I find to relax with a bod full of needles. I keep thinking what if the ceiling fell down. what if I fell off the couch. Am I the only one to feel these anxieties I wonder? It is about letting go I think and trusting. One thing we realise is that dairy is a problem, as I ate a lot of dairy last weekend as I love it so, but symptoms again on the Monday. When I got home slept as acupuncture always makes me sleepy in the immediate aftermath.

However, this is day 300 and things have definitely improved. Any excitement I feel is tempered somewhat when I get the creditor letters through the door and realise again that this is a long haul and there are still many things to be tackled. But my faith is growing stronger and letting it go to God an not me. When it is me alone, I walk headlong into trouble, story of my life really. When I rely on Jesus and God things are smoother and there is an intelligence I 100 per cent know is smarter, far smarter than I am and knows me implicitly. Here's to a year gf.

The GMA programme is nearly over now and I am grateful for it enabling me to maintain my recovery. I was 4 months clean when I went in it but very sick in mind and body. When the programme ends I will go to GA again but need to find another group as my regular one has moved to another location which is harder to get to and shut down its three nights a week to just one mid week.

At 300 days I am glad to be gamble free. I am grateful to have the opportunity to recover my life and understand all those things that triggered my gambling in the first place. There is hope after rock bottom and destitution. We just have to surrender our will, ie thy will and not my will be done. Do that and watch how things change and grow, and how we learn about ourselves.

Day one tomorrow for me , and then only another two hundred and ninety nine to reach your inspirational achievement to date . One day at a time aye .

Congratulations on 300 days GF. I am at 215 and struggling to stay away but know how much gambling can damage us. Here's to making it to 1 year!

Congratulations on 300 days GF. I am at 215 and struggling to stay away but know how much gambling can damage us. Here's to making it to 1 year!

hi j

ust read your story wow just wow

how inspirational that was and hope it will give me who.s on day three the insentive I need .


Congratulation this story is very inspirational i  am so happy for you 

I have spent virtually all of today and last night alone, which is Ok. I have read through posts when I started on the gma forum and appreciate the support I had early on from Vera, idi, jonny and laura. I can see the journey and I can appreciate the gifts of recovery. One of the Potters Touch programmes I watch on tbn described it clearly. The pain and heartache in my soul had to go, had to be released in order to establish a clearer connection to God. It was in the way, and it was. We can be reborn in Christ at any point. I had missed what was right in front of my nose all the time. Our Heavenly Father and his son, Jesus is our guide, moral compass and mentor in this lifetime. If we are gifted with others in this lifetime, great, but if not then we turn to Christ. If I sound like I had some religious road to Damascus moment, well in a way, I have and it took this addiction and recovery to show me that. I pray that all who have a gambling addiction and the pain it covers can come to recovery and find a new life, no matter how old, it can happen.

Very well done on your 300 G free days, Monica. I have prayed for you every day since we "met"! Gambling has a heavy price tag. The priest gave a sermon today very much on the same theme as what you have written. He said, we will always be alone in this life. Alone and poor. There were 3 aspects to his sermon. The Dessert The Devil The Good Shepherd. In brief, he said Poverty is the "dessert" we live in. The result of this" aloneness "can trigger discouragement. Discouragement comes from The Devil. On the other side there is God "The Good Shepherd". He is always there , waiting for us to cast our burdens on to him...... I would add, that for non believers , "The Good Shepherd" is like GA. Gambling is "The Devil" The "dessert" is when we are in action. Strangely, Monica, you were on my mind all day. I have always felt a special connection with you. That happens me with certain people and with others, there is no link.

Congratulations on your milestone Monica - what a journey you have been on . I checked into group but it was empty - seems ages since I caught up with people .

I am being bombarded today with the message that Jesus is the way .

This morning talking to an online mentor, then at mass the sermon was on addictions and for once it was actually interesting (different priest lol) and now your post . In mass I felt the sermon has been written just for me .

So perhaps God is al k tsending me a big sign !

You have been on quite a journey and I feel it is the right h no to do to give your testimony of how building/ rebuilding a relationship with Jesus has helped you .

I would l Ike to t

Sorry that posted mid sentence -

I would like chat to you to hear more about how specifically you felt the residential program helped you - I am hoping to maybe go there over the summer .

Monica -I am so pleased life has turned around for you - I think being alone is better than being unhappy with someone . I feel God will bring many wonderful people into your life . He has looked after everything else .

Keep strong and enjoy the life you have worked so hard to achieve .

Ps- nice to see you back Vera .

Congratulations on your GF time! Your story is very inspirational for me. I hope your gut issues lessen soon.

Liz, I should have mentioned you, apologies for the omission. It matters a lot to us when we re in dire straits the support we get and I just thought I would acknowledge that.

Vera, lovely to hear from you. Prayers are important and I thank you for that plus supportive posting when I was in one of my angry existential grief phase. I hope you are doing good still and look forward to you posting more! Funnily enough today was just one of thosetired days where everything is hard work, my Road was closed on my way home owing to someone being knocked over so I had to,walk all the way home uphill. I think the person will be ok, he was conscious when I walked past him. So I had a better day than he did. I have felt quite anxious and tired today. I notice that I grip,

tightly onto books I carry and have to consciously relax my grip... and try and relax my mind and body.

Idi, the programme was good,for peer support and to realise that we are not alone and that there are some very bright women who have got caught up in this awful addiction. Nearly every one I met has been a good person who just got addicted, there are workbooks to do which to be honest I didn’t do and it be helps us with recognising our triggers. The whole residential starts with our life timeline prior to choosing a counsellor preference. The timeline helps actually so we can see the ups and downs of life, ie good times, bad times. For me I didn’t need too much guidance as to why I started, it was fairly obvious. Is it worth doing, yes it is. I wish I had felt better at the time as I could have got more out of it but I found the whole thing just a little bit traumatic as I had no money at all to get there so had to get help from gma.and was so Ill while,I was there. i have genuinely learned the value of money. I have given some of my earnings to my son to look after but have not put the rest away. I find it is all still too fresh to ever warrant gambling again as I will be dealing with the fallout for years to come.

Sorry I didn’t do group last night, I was filling the bath with kettles which takes about half an hour....

All I can say is that the chickens have come home to roost today. A brief respite for six weeks and contacted by the inland revenue todayabout thehuge mess gambling has left me in. This is all very depressing but something I know i must face.

Monica, I am digging myself out of my gambing mess, (debts) it's hard to face but once you do, it's freeing also. Try to only commit to what you can afford to pay. I don't know what your options are where you live. Bankruptcy would have been easier that committing to paying off my debts but wasn't a option for me because I wasn't willing to sell assets. It will be alright. This is unfortunately one of the remainders of our gambling. Youv e been through so much and have overcome so much. You are a strong woman and will conquer this also!!!! Stay positive!!!

It will be bankruptcy but it is very messy which I don’t want to go into the detail of. I always knew this was coming at some point. It is very daunting.

Hi Monica

I Know this is a difficult time - I hope u are ok.

Be kind to yourself - this is a horrible thing to have to face.

I hope to catch up with you at the weekend.

Haven't been posting much -long story

Talk soon xx

Yes, hope to catch up with you too. Up at 5.30 this morning and went for my scan of the abdomen with focus on the small intestine. On way to station a large dog leapt up at me and tried to knock me over. Although I wobbled and lost balance I did not fall over! I glared at the owner though cos if I had gone over near to concrete I would have done some damage. As usual they couldn’t find a vein and had to call someone. I have dainty child veins and they often have use a children’s needle. Scanner not working properly so took twice as long, had to load up with eight glasses of mannitol prior. Then went to ha ve breakfast at cafe rouge to cheer myself up except it was t that good. Some days things just don’t go our way..... got given wrong ticket for train and then went to work and after went on a bit of a spending spree in Monsoon. . I recognised I was acting out a bit of a self destructive streak, when we have difficult things to face, I turn inward and it brings out the thing that wants to run away and distract of which gambling is a major escape. I talked about this in counselling this evening but had to cut it short as I was falling asleep during it. I am going to listen to scripture and keep my focus on Gods help to support me in this.

Congratulations Monica and I'm so proud of your 300 plus days. I hope you are too as you earned each and every day. You are a strong woman and I have no doubt you will get through things with the Revenue Service.

Gambling addiction is treated as a mental illness. I know someone who had all late penalties and interest waived due to medical illness. That helped greatly reduce their debt. That was with our revenue service here. Then they were allowed to set up a manageable repayment plat that would not act as an irritant to the medical condition. Maybe something similar there?

Regardless, you will get through this the same way you have gotten through the last 305 days. One day at a time. One task at a time. One choice at a time. Well done Monica. Those of us in recovery are really the lucky ones. Good to catch up. Laura

Hi Monica

You deserved your spending spree after a day like that- I hope you can finally get your health issues sorted. They have been lingering and it seems the health service moves very slowly .

I love monsoon- what did u buy ?

You have made he most amazing progress.

Can I thank you for the chat last night - I feel so my better today as the shocked feeling seems to have been released.

It has helped me greatly .

Monica - better to have an escape with nice new clothes than the less than nothing gambling gives us xx

Thanks Laura and idi. Well woke yesterday up at 6 am, I wake early now but fell asleep at 11 and had to refix my acupuncture appointment. I realised when I went that my eyes have cleared up completely after six weeks of going weekly and just 2 weeks without the dog seems to short for it to be just that, a problem I had for about 10 months. He

Put infrared over the tummy needles vis a lamp and I found the warmth relaxing. He said 80 per cent of people fall asleep, I am one of the 20 per cent that don’t at all. Took some herbs to last me as I am giving it a break for 3 weeks now as busy for next three weekends. Went shopping for food in m and s And I really appreciated it. A lot and gave gratitude. I was walking past the herb shop on way back and was shocked to see a car had left its hand take off and reversed backwards into the shop window, completely shattering it. A crowd had gathered and police had pulled that up. This shocked me. I wondered why that had happened and was glad that no one was hurt. It really bugged me,why did that happen to a good person and I wondered at one point whether it was my fault. Now that is crazy thinking, but something I need to look at.... the Croatia football was boring so watched my usual challenge tv reruns of the chase and fell asleep early after doing the 10pm group. I had a recurring dream in which black gangsters were looking for me to kill me but that I had found somewhere to hide where I would not be found, a secret passage behind a poster in the street. hmmmmm, must be related to my inland revenue woes.

Idi, I bought a dress, a skirt, a white t shirt, a summery top for hols which is on top of a few things from m and s for hols, a couple of vest tops, shorts, new swimming cozzie, 2 sundresses and 2 crop trousers. Now that is enough shopping for me. Ican be a bit of a compulsive clothes shopper related to having no clothes as a kid. I need to clear my wardrobe and donate loads of stuff to charity or chuck it away. It feels good having nice new things to wear. Although I rarely buy something and do t wear it, i have made a few mistake purchases but don’t think I am a hoarder who buy things and never wear them. If I like something I wear it until it falls to bits.

Hi Monica,

sorry, I was posting and posting yesterday but didn't make it by with the links.

Female Gamblers:

Escape Gamblers (which most female gamblers are):

I hope you find this info helpful, but I may have sent it to you before.

Enjoy your lovely new clothes. For too long we deprived ourselves because we were spending our money on the slots. These are guilt free new clothes. You probably saved money going shopping lol. I hope the dreams have passed and I'm glad to hear you are feeling a little better in some respects. Talk soon I hope. Laura

Was very tired yesterday like I used to feel a few weeks back and slept for long periods intermittently. Finishing work this Friday which is Ok. I could do with a couple of weeks off as I have a long to do list. I feel a bit anxious and also a little depressed, I think it is the huge debt issues and possible investigation by the Inland revenue. This really did set my recovery back and I feel mild urges this evening. Pete visited while the boiler men did their thing and i now have hot water. I need to transfer and give all my worries to God. I know that but struggle with this sometimes. Why worry about some future thing when all we have is now? I believe God has my back. Funnily enough my daily email was around worries and fears and giving them to God. Clearly I have some work to do on this issue.

Hi Monicau, I hope my last post to you wasn't preachy. I didn't mean it that way. Being in debt is a awful feeling. I've never filed for bankruptcy but it must be scary. Being in debt is scary. I understand about the depression associated with it. Hang in there! Over 300 days gamble free! Be proud of your accomplishments. I hope to be there one day.

Today I went and had my gastroscopy in the hospital. I thought I would be late as overslept but I was actually early. Well, the Midazolam and fentanyl put me straight out and it passed without event. Woke up and it had all been done, just the usual struggle to find a vein. Significantly, I was alone last time but my son was happy to collect me today and took me home. You get the initial results and it was chronic pan gastritis and duodenitis, which is far as they went in the small intestine when I think the majority of my troubles are at a level lower in the small intestine, and h pylori positive. Given a script for the same drugs I cannot take. Now just need to wait till mid July for the results of the whole abdomen scan of last week and come up with a plan that doesn’t involve those drugs which made me very ill. My son and I got some lunch and he took me home, looked round the house, said it all needed modernising which it does and agreed to move in, just like that.

We were both surprised when we got in to find the dog in my house and the fridge off and pulled away from the wall. I fell asleep for a while and then Woke up to find pete in the house. He said the electric had gone so he put it back on emergency supply and the fridge had broken. That’s the tv losing its channels, the hot water going and now the fridge. What is the significance of everything breaking at once? I googled it and it said time to move on to the new. Maybe thats true, What I really noticed is that pete did not even ask how I was. He said clearly I need to rest and he just got up and went. There is something so wrong with this. If I think about it I feel I deserve better than that. My son is going to come round on Monday and we are starting the big chuck out of what will be his room. I realised I would need to take an inventory of his and my stuff just to ensure if bailiffs ever got in his would be protected. I did warn hi. That the next few months would probably be filing for bankruptcy. He is very ready to move.

Hi Monicau, I'm glad that your Son was there to take you home after the tests. Why did they give you a script for something you can't take?? No alternatives? That's very rude that Pete didn't ask how you were. Sorry about the fridge. It's been one thing after another for you. When it rains, it pours! Hopefully it will be replaced faster than the hot water heater. I hope you have a good weekend.

Hi Monica

That was a very packed day.

It seems ridiculous that they gave you the same tablets for the H pyroli - so you can't move forward with this until you get a remedy you can actually take . Doctors rarely

Think outside the box .

I always think that when lots of things break down and there is problems with electricity that maybe your house needs a cleansing ceremony - I ask God to bless each room ! Although it seems like when a little money comes in something always comes along to use it up.

It will be so good to have your son living with you - we may fight with our family sometimes but we have that blood link which creates a bond which is beyond any other bond .

Monica it is he most horrible addiction- in that even if we beat it or are beating it, the consequences seem to last forever - even a short relapse can set us back years .you are in a most difficult position right now - what with bankruptcy and perhaps even charges hanging over you . I'm wondering if you have had any legal advice - and I don't mean stepchange or those other pretty useless organisations who follow a computer programme and then tell us all we need to go bankrupt or get an IVA..Perhaps a taxation lawyer/ accountant would be able to help you - and yes I know they cost money and that is something gambling has left pretty short of .

Monica have you paid tax on your recent earnings - I am thinking that would show that you are really trying to do the right think now that your illness is in remission (gambling addiction ) or perhaps hey don't consider things like that .

I wish I understood more about tax so I could offer you some real help - the punishment for our addiction seems to be never ending .

keep strong and keep trusting on God


I don’t see it as a punishment. Truth is it took a long time to get into this mess, for me five and a half years to get to into this deep mess that I never though I could get out of, hw,bling to destruction. can’t expect a magic wand to just get rid of It all, although miracles can happen... I haven’t done anything illegal either, this was all legal at the time and it all went on feeding the gambling habit. Bankruptcy seems inevitable. And yes, last year, was all ok as I got a tax rebate as overpaid tax as only worked three months. There are action groups I have joined as it affects 100,000people. What will be will be idi.

I have said a prayer for all the rooms though.

Working just 4 days this week, glad my contract was extended for two weeks. It all helps. Then off for a relaxing spa break. Need it as doing absolutely nothing from what I normally do, I have put my back slightly out of place. May have been triggered by the awkward laying on my side for the procedure. Nothing major, though feels like mild sciatica. And yes, I Cant move forward on the meds I shall just continue with theherbs, which have helped enormously although I doubt if they will resolve completely, particularly as I seem to have a lot of inflammation there still.

Hi Monicau, You are keeping a good attitude during this time of future bankruptcy. I need to learn from you. We all know that with gambling addiction thete are consequences. Unfortunately, I didn't realize how long and the struggle of digging out of the mess would be. Was it worth it! Yes, as it changes us and moving forward we are different, better people. I'm glad that your contract was extended and that you are looking forward to a spa break. Sounds wonderful and well deserved. Hope your back gets better soon. Take care.

Hi Monica,

just getting round to see how things are, I seem run out of posting steam before I'm through the most recents. I'm hoping your son moving in is going to be good for you. There are always sharing and scheduling issues to work out but hopefully that won't take too long to work out. Maybe it will be like letting go of that final little bit of the past and moving into the new future. You could still meet Pete for coffee or have him for supper on a night you are in alone. But the relationship will change and may even end over time. I imagine you can't wait for your time away in the sun with relaxation and spoiling planned. May the next job land at the perfect time :) Praying for many blessings to come your way. xo

Just wanted to drop you a line, ive had a quick read of your thread and you have A LOT going on!!!

I was happy to read of your new clothes purchases. Its lovely to have some new clothes. Before I went on my trip I bought so many things to take it was ridiculous. My wardrobe needs a good clean out!

Your health.....its a worry that they give you medications that you cant take. Why??????

Hopefully the herbs will keep things at bay for you.

Enjoy your break, you truly deserve it!!

Love K xx

Good to connect. Good to share. Thanks for your ear and your kind thoughts. Never judgemental. Sleep tight. Have a good day in work xo

Well, what a day. My road blocked off this morning due to appearance of a sinkhole. No buses so had to walk to train station. The street I walked on had paving stones that were very irregular and tripped up twice, the second time nearly somersaulting but I still managed to stay on my feet. That was a small miracle in itself.

Last day at work today. It has been a tough challenging job but completed. No buses still on way home and I saw Pete with the dog walking with a girl.

Did i feel jealous yes, did I feel territorial yes did I realise how daft that was yes. Well Pete walked me home all uphill and I had to stop a few times. He cleared out my broken fridge. I said it was stupid but I was jealous, he said it was just a friend from the church and #he had clocked me before he did. Spent the evening together and I never drink but we shared a bottle of wine and had a good chat. Had my final counselling session with Jane and thanked her for a great programme that has supported me to express how I feel, even at wok ha ha.... On answerin* the questions re gambling and mental state it was blatantly obvious how much life and I had been changed forever, and on a good way.

Well, what a day. My road blocked off this morning due to appearance of a sinkhole. No buses so had to walk to train station. The street I walked on had paving stones that were very irregular and tripped up twice, the second time nearly somersaulting but I still managed to stay on my feet. That was a small miracle in itself.

Last day at work today. It has been a tough challenging job but completed. No buses still on way home and I saw Pete with the dog walking with a girl.

Did i feel jealous yes, did I feel territorial yes did I realise how daft that was yes. Well Pete walked me home all uphill and I had to stop a few times. He cleared out my broken fridge. I said it was stupid but I was jealous, he said it was just a friend from the church and #he had clocked me before he did. Spent the evening together and I never drink but we shared a bottle of wine and had a good chat. Had my final counselling session with Jane and thanked her for a great programme that has supported me to express how I feel, even at wok ha ha.... On answerin* the questions re gambling and mental state it was blatantly obvious how much life and I had been changed forever, and on a good way.

Sounds like a very very busy day with lots of honesty and emotion processing. I have no doubt in my mind you will keep moving forward. Your sink hole reminds me of the story about the addict walking down the street with a hole in it. I'll have to look back and find someone that posted it so I get it right. You probably know the one I speak of. You have figured out how to walk around the hole and avoid it all together. Have a great weekend. When is departure day?


Have an amazing time. I'm only slightly jealous as you deserve this so much. Stay strong ODAAT xo Laura

Hi Monica

I was sure I had written a reply yesterday - it obviously hasn't posted .

Yes that must have been hard seeing Pete with a girl - but so brave of you to discuss it with him. It occurs to me that being open and honest about our feelings prevents a lot of festering issues and hurts.

I'm wondering if perhaps absence is making the heart grow slightly fonder ?

I hope you feel a sense of satisfaction at completing the project you were working on - I think you are amazing that you can go into an organisation and take on such work - I like the security of going to the same place every day -I always feel that you are an exceptionally brave person.

Enjoy your well deserved break and take the time to reflect on how far you have come and how "unsinkable" you are .

You are a kind, strong person who has kicked this addiction to the kerb - so proud of you xx

Well, i am back and pleased to be back. A lot of things went wrong before I went and on the journey. There was some good though and I learned a lot about my ayurvedic dosha and the foods that are good to eat.

Gatwick going out was terrible. Queues at check in ten deep and 25 people in each queue. Men with a dog and machine guns sniffing round everyones bags. Stopped at mine, did a little circle and moved on. Figured it was the tobacco.... i got there twoand a quarter hours early as i needed to post some important letters and buy some sun lotion but i only just made it to the plane and didnt post the letters or get any sun lotion till day 4. I was at the front of a british airways flight and I remember feeling really annoyed cos a tiny silly curtain split 1st from economy, this really irritated me, not cos i wanted to be in first, just all the attention they were being given.... hen left passport on a bench in malaga airport and found it just in time. Then noone there to pick me up or so it seemed. The travel company had given me the wrong instructions so after two hours waiting 70 euros for a taxi to find that my driver was waiting somewhere else. The driver was the owner of the place so it started everything off really badly. in the middle of nowhere and nothing to do, no tv in rooms , missed the england v sweden game cos the tv lounge door lock was jammed and noone to sort it. Also, no british, just five germans there and all of the conversations were in German. No wonder I was anxious. It was strange, like i could feel the light and the dark side of myself and it felt like they were in conflict. Maybe it was listening to german day in day out did it to me Energy started to flow on my return home, no queues and got everything i wanted to get at malaga airport. Good flight home.

What was good: massages and fresh food and teas. Went to the beach for one day and the local market for half a day. My tum behaved itself.

Now I am home and pete has come round armed with pizza and cream cakes, all the stuff I am not allowd to eat. But good to see him.

Hi Monica

It sounds like you had some fun despite all the set backs - holidays can be so stressful if things go wrong -the lost passport would have had me in panicking mode .

It's great to have u back here !

Did you fly first class in the past -?

I would like the extra leg room! It seems they have squashed more seats in than they used to in the good old days and u get no leg room at all now .

You could perhaps write a trip adviser review so that others don't end up in a hotel with disinterested staff!

Just think six months ago this trip would have seemed impossible so well done on all the action you have taken


Thanks for your post. Yes, even three months ago would have been unthought of and impossible. The owners of the hotel were lovely so it is difficult to do a bad review. But British people would feel cut off and isolated, something I know only too well and really didn’t wAnt a holiday to do the same and produce the same feelings. But I did make friends with a lady from Berlin who did her best to speak to me in English. By day 7 the constNt German had ground me down a bit. And the lost passport that I left on a seat did have me in panick mode. But still there where I had left it ten minutes later.

Spent the evening with Pete last night and am dog sitting this morning. I felt content to be back and that pete was around. I even admitted to the lady from Berlin that I still love the man and she has exactly the same sort of platonic relationship with her ex. Maybe it’s ok to be best friends.

I have never fl own first class or even business class. It is strange how it reallyirritated me, I think it is the inequity and if you have a lot of money the treatment is so different and the change is just a flimsy little curtain... No class on the way back and I was right at the back row so it was ok. Odd feelings in this journey

Was triggered today by random ads on Facebook. A not so good holiday years ago triggered a big binge. And I guess I felt the same today. I read some rock bottom posts in here and that always helps. I Made efforts to sort a few things out. I made a complaint about some aspects of the holiday, was offered a refund of taxi fare if I had a receipt which I didn’t, so I didn’t get a refund, just a big apology for some aspects that didn’t go well. Pete bought me lunch. I did a number of things to sort my home out as the hot water packed in the day I left for Spain. Bought a fridge to replace my broken one ten day wait for that and started looking for a job. Grateful I could pay for it. Did group tonight and laura thankfully was on.

Very happy to have you back Monica. Sorry the trip wasn't quite what you hoped for. Next time you will hopefully bring your own company. You are taking the good and leaving the rest behind. I don't think there is anything wrong with being best friends with an ex or really good friends. Though I think it can be harder when one still hopes there would be more even if they don't expect it. A difficult rather tormenting spot to be in I would think. Sorry don't have an answer for that one. And like most things that really involve emotions there is no simple answer.

You are working towards your one year of no gambling! That wasn't easy but you are doing it. If you still don't quite feel like your reward trip did the job go looking for something with special meaning as your reward. I bought a beautiful scarf covered in monarch butterflies. It was so bright and gorgeous. And a reminder every time I wore it that I am deserving of special things. Have a good day lovely Monica.

Laura xo

That’s lovely re the scarf, butterflies, infinity, freedom and transformation is what butterflies represent and funnily enough my Ayurvedic Dosha is Vata which is described as butterfly like. Difficult to sit or stand still in life and on a daily basis. I have bought myself a few things and that is great and one of the benefits of recovery particularly when gambling I bought myself very little as it all went I to the slots. Whilst that is important it isn’t the be all and end all. I seek purpose and would love to have my life purpose revealed, as even after all the spirituality and searching within all my life I haven’t a clue. In a shamanic course I did many years ago, we did life purpose and I got primarily to love myself and then to love others. Could it really be that simple?

Well I now have hot water yea. Engineer said it had gotten too hot and tripped out. hmmmm, sounds like me. There are many things to buy for the house, new bed and hoover but have decided to wait until next job materialises. The aim is not going to claim benefits this time round, I really don’t want to.

Have hard elsewhere if a few relapses and it is odd how they all seem to come at the same time. I too have been triggered and sitting alone in my house is a bit of one but I am going to seek,out,other things to do, and one of them is to get in shape, gently at first. I have around a stone to lose. I find the inner battle that manifested when I was on holiday reducing. The obsessive thought that keep coming into my mind are a hangover from the gambling habit when it seems like jappymsays are the red and the green head. Those two heads seem to stay with us, I would prefer just the one happy head....and heart.

Hi Monica ,

Perhaps you have been living your life purpose all along -

Helping the many people in your life who you are always there for .

Perhaps our life purpose is to go where life leads us and make the most of the journey.

I have a job which is so fulfilling - yet I think my life purpose is my family .

It's great that you have hot water at last ! You are so patient to go without it for so long . Also patient in waiting to buy the things you want - patience is a great quality - one I don't have - I want everything now which is probably why I have so many gambling urges .

There have been quite a few people at rock bottom on here recently and yes it is a very sharp reminder to us all.

Hope to catch u in group soon .

As always good to hear from you and I am glad you had a good break. Thanks for the kind words around the life purpose. Wish that were 100 per cent true... Sounds like we all seem to get the urges at the same time... but haven’t acted on them which is great. Googled diets instead lol. I have just had a hot bath, divine! And slathered the tan maximiser on , as have a good colour from the sun. Simple pleasures sometimes. Am vegging out a bit today as have a teeny bit of a cold from the airplane, had it for a day or two when away and the air con seems to do it to me. Without a fridge it’s takeaway city here but trying to keep it reasonably healthy, egg foo yung today....

In chat now if you're around!!!

Sorry I missed you in chat, I just went downstairs to make a coffee! Its 8.30am here, and a cold morning at that!

What I wouldn't give for a hot bath! We don't have one in this house, and I'm now at the age where I am able to lay in a bath without the kids asking me 500 questions at the door.

I really miss it.

I'm sorry your trip didn't go quite to plan, but it seems like you found a lot of good to talk about as well.

Anyways, I'm sorry I missed you, its not often I catch a group. Hope you have a great day,

Love K xxx

In truth I dipped in and dipped out, I was feeling unwell yesterday and last night, so fell asleep just after popped,in to group. Realised I am one of the 20 per cent who develop sometimes, not every flight, an allergic rhinitis following flights. On the outward flight I started sneezing a lot and then post return eyes and nose started to stream with constant sneezing rather like hay fever. This is common apparently and something to do with the air conditioning apparently.

Well today I start to deal with an annoying bill my mobile who say I haven’t paid when I have and had to send the proof. I find dealing with bills and creditors plus mistakes made excruciating. I cannot be the only one like this. Maybe it is the years of debt but letters still sit,unopened for a while and I hve to really psych up to open them. So,many mistakes are made in services, why, why? I guess cos they are all human. I have another bill for 140 quid when I cancelled the service. It has taken me months to even attempt to sort this one out let alone the much bigger debts which I still keep putting off.

I watched John Cleese last night who says the U.K. sucks and is moving to Nevis in the Caribbean. You know, I have felt this country sucks for a long time, I really noticed it at Gatwick, all the strongly worded signs about immigration and then police with machine guns walking past each and every person in check in. If we follow the us then we are truly screwed....

Hi Monica

Move to Ireland. !!

We have just had a blissful and freak heat wave !

Bills drive me mad - as do broken appliances .

My washing machine is broken. It is so annoying and yet it is not lost on me that I can afford to go to the local laundrette - simple things that a little money makes a lot better !

Flights definitely are not good for our health !!

Hope to catch u in chat over the next few days

Yes, I feel a little better today and went to have my free ha ha over 60 eye test. When I say I am unemployed, I am guided to the cheap specs where usually it is designer. And do you know, no difference, none at all, I spent less than half of what I usually do on a two for one.

The large sink hole is still being worked on weeks onand my road iscosed so I walked to specsavers and took a bus out of my way to my gourmet cheese shop which has closed down. A woman speaks to me on the bus saying have I got water. Apparently some people in roads near me have had no water supply for a month because of idiot water company drilling and creating the large sink hole. I go to my favourite cafe and they have changed the recipe for my favourite dish and it doesn’t taste as good. From fresh squeezed juices, they now sell bottled juice. I wondered why it was empty. In life everything changes, and sometimes it isn’t for the better. Quality is diminished and I think that is the story of the U.K. and where it is headed.

I decide that I will join a book club and buy some books in my local bookshop. They have a creative writing course and I decide I will join it in September. Important lesson is that what we want to become in life we have to seek out and be around.

Pete came round armed with wine and a curry as he didn’t want me to be alone watching the England game. I think that is so sweet. It was truly agonising to watch... but not an unexpected, for me, outcome.

Idi, how on earth can I move to Ireland?

Optician says I have rampant blepharitis and dry gritty but streaming eyes caused this time by the flight. My gp had prescribed something totally inappropriate as I don’t have an infection. She prescribed me drops and wipes. You know what, gps are hopeless and just guess half the time. I sound like a grumpy old woman, bit you know what, I am actually seeing things as they are.

He gives me a kiss, just a peck direct on the kisser. He did this before I left for Spain. He never does this.

I really like having him around sometimes. He lives with an old man who has let him the room but whose washing machine has seen better days. I say he can wash his clothes in my machine. I am genuinely not hopeful that things will develop again but I am quite content that we hve this friendship,which seems to last through thick and thin. If anyone has ever felt ,ike my husband in life it is him, but hey it is what it is.

We both know it will change when my son moves in but I am sure we will get around that.

Post England and wine blues and sleepiness I think. Did Charles group. It is so important to consistently use support. I spoke to my GA friend and at some point I will go along soon. Although I kinda know GA is t really for me, but will try different groups. I am wondering about getting counselling privately to keep up the process of talking and getting some feedback. As a child I was scared of the dark and I think i still have elements of that little girl who gets anxious still there deep within. I still sleep with the light on even now as I did as a child.

Hi Monica Firstly - some people can have romantic relationships but perhaps are best not living together- why not ?

Life is short, love makes it sweeter and do whatever makes u happy ! There are no rules !

I think our self-imposed financial limitations have us looking at everything differently- we know that we are fortunate in that we still have earning power -(yes power because money is power) and we realise that not everyone who makes mistakes or cannot get by is as fortunate .

It's a cruel world - in many ways human society is as ferocious as wild packs of animals - where the weak are left to fend for themselves or abandoned .

We pretend at being civilised by helping certain segments of society but in truth we prefer to ignore the more feral parts of our nature and our society . For example We leave homeless people to die exposed to the elements each year just as animals abandon their weak ... and if they have an addiction - we can excuse ourselves from guilt and blame that.

So maybe I am getting old and grumpy too but I look and I see and I don't like a lot of what I see !

Onwards and upwards xx

Love your insights. And I agree re the world, all we can do is not be like that. Look,how feral everything is around Teresa may now, leaving her to do the hard stuff that no one wants to touch and then they will go in for the kill, not that I agree with anything she does, she has made more u turns that an out of control car. And ty, re your insight about Pete. It isn’t a romantic relationship any more. Not sure what it is, two people who loved each other and still do but aren’t together without any physical contact, well aside from the other day and that was just a peck. Don’t think I want to define it really. Good friends are hard to come by so I will just rejoice in it and accept,it for what it is. He just rung me as has just lost his wallet for the third time this year, dear me...

Well, went to the hospital this morning and confirmed chronic infection in the stomach and small bowel plus irritable bowel. To take the awful triple therapy again and if allergic referral to an allergy specialist and referred to a dietician, as there is a diet apparently that helps with ibs. Was dismayed that after swimming all last week and eating an Ayurvedic diet I have put on 5 lbs. So, it is to weightwatchers for me, I don’t want to put any more on as I feel very uncomfortable when I carry too much weight and have well over a stone to lose, probably more like a stone and a half.

It is good new though really,

cos,I don’t have cancer anywhere in my abdomen, some small uterine fibroids, but the scan did show that my colon was in spasm even though I wasn’t having any symptoms at the time. Life is strange. A major symptom of h pylori is anxiety and I definitely have a lot more of that than I ever did. Wish there was another way. Of course, the doc trashed going to see a Tcm practitioner and said you don’t have candidiasis as we tested for it. Hey ho... hard to know what to do these days isnt it!

Hey Monica,

I'm playing catch up but happy that we have been connecting some in chat as it keeps me in the loop. You've got a lot going on and lots of thoughts going on!

GA - every group is a little different it seems from the various descriptions I've heard on this site in comparison to mine. There is only one GA group within a two hour radius so my choice is limited. I happened to be very lucky I think in that I had a functional supportive group. Every meeting probably has traditions that people are a little uncomfortable with. I guess it's a matter of deciding whether the support on the whole is healthy. A supportive group don't mind small adaptations. Sometimes people in my group will say they have an addiction problem instead of saying they are Compulsive Gamblers. That whole label thing we've hashed around before. I liked that we would do the daily reading and then a person could give their thoughts during round table. Sometimes it didn't fit me and I would voice how I felt about the statement and where I was coming from personally. IE Big shot mentality, although I've come to think I did have it in certain ways different than the average big shot gambling bear! it would sound more like they were describing my partner's behaviour not my own sometimes in the reading! One of our group who often led meetings would say, take the best and leave the rest. In my mid twenties I attended two other 12 step programs that had a different look at things. Al Anon, which is for people who's spouses have a drinking problem. My husband didn't have a drinking problem but I thought he had a drug problem and that was the closest thing I had use of. I also started attending Adult Children of Alc0holics which I was, and it comes from a more supportive point of view. Link for anyone who may be interested:

So, sorry very long ramble to say use the meeting as a tool for you from your perspective. And use the face to face support to help give you what you need!

Counseling sounds good as well. Unresolved childhood traumas can most definitely stay buried under the surface.

Ending on a high note you have made amazing progress Monica. Even all those days you just hung on, you didn't let it slip away and that was progress. Hugs Monica, hope you have a lovely evening.


P.S. I slept in, woke up to a lovely clean house. My sister in law stayed for a chat after and what she confided in me helped to melt some of the anger I had been holding on to about the in laws. Even though they constantly snub my husband it turns out that is a greater blessing! Cryptic I know. Chat in group.

Yes, in GA they also say the same, tHe the best and leave the rest. Thing is my experience of the majority of the support and doing the steps wasn’t a good one, although my GA girlfriend has been consistent and she wasn’t my sponsor. Takes a wk an I think sometimes. my childhood trauma has been gone over so many times. There was quite a lot of it and I am over it all lol. I forgive them all!

Takes a woman I meant. Got distracted when writing the post. Hope to talk in chat later.

Sorry I missed you. The dog is wanting in and out and in and out. Wondering if there is a storm coming. Or she is trying to convince me to give her the leftover pork chop on the table. lol Yes I think at a certain point we have to forgive the people in our past. Although there are exceptions most people were doing the best they could. But interesting you are still afraid of the dark and felt there was something unresolved? or had I read that wrong? I had a great day today. Lots of me time. But also got the fridge cleaned out and a few flowers I had left from a few weeks ago planted finally. It took me a while to get the spot ready for them it was so full of weeds. I feel like that in recovery. Pulling out the weeds that have grown up while neglecting myself and planting beautiful colourful petunias in their place. Now to fertilize and watch them grow and bloom!

Btw, I was in GA for three years before I did the steps. I felt ready. No time line as far as I'm concerned. It's 9 years in the fall that I truly started recovery and turning my life around. I haven't made it through nearly half the steps and it's been said they don't even have to be done in order. I am a work in progress just like my life. Bless you Monica. Thanks for your brilliant thoughts on IDI's post about recovery vs abstinence. Have a good night. I will be heading for a lay down after chat is closed.

take care, Laura xo

Haven’t posted much over past couple of days cos I haven’t slept properly due to the heat. Also lack of a fridge and a reliance on takeaways has set my tummy issues back quite a lot. It is clear I have to keep to a permanent change of diet once my fridge arrives which is later this week. All was calm when I kept to a simple Mediterranean diet last week. Ice cream, vegetables, pizza, cheese, dairy, curry, can’t eat any of it without paying a hefty price. Good job I am seeing the dietician at the hospital. Spent the weekend alone aside from acupuncture in which I sat down and said look, my symptoms definitely improved but if you can’t eradicate it let’s not waste our time. I got the healing comes from me and I have had a long time with this, can’t expect it to go in a couple of months. Hmmmmm. I yelped when he wiggled a needle in my leg, the hot weather made my legs very sensitive and I shed a tear when he did it. I was cross because he didn’t listen.

Well today picked up a driving license application form and bought comlletely new bedding, everything, a fan, a fancy mop and bucket, and a hoover. Can’t quite get the bed yet. I haven’t bought any new stuff for the house in like forever, a good few years so I am pleased to do so.

I must curb my spending now as not sure where next job is coming from. But a new fridge, hoover and bedding is an excellent start to the regeneration programme.

Hi Monica, it is warm and humid here today with rain looming. The weather does prevent me from roaming to far from home. I'd rather stay under the fan at home. Lol! Yes, when you get your fridge, you can better regulate your diet. Iver found that too much dairy and or spicy food upsets my digestive system. Part of aging, I guess. New household items always make be appreciative. The last items I bought were bed pillows. The best investment! When is your Son moving in? Youv e come such a long way. You make me stay motivated!!

Hi Monica

It is so good to be able to buy new things for our homes / I feel it really gives us a sense of what can be .

Sorry to hear about your stomach - it seems like a Mediterranean diet is the answer - and that doesn't come cheap ! You are wise to keep a little money back .

The good thing is that we are gamble free and looking forward ! Talk soon

When you are out of work each day rolls into the next day with very little to differentiate between each day. Some days I would sooner do nothing and part of me is grateful for the time out, another side remembers the 9 months of destitution in recovery And wants to avoid that. It is 2 weeks at home and three weeks out of work now and I start to go stir crazy. Some days I speak to no one at all. Some days I feel anxious, I think it is doing nothing that makes us turn inward and not see things as they r. I still !am avoiding opening letters, a phase I seem to go through and then get over it and tackle them. But I still can’t address the big debts and wonder how long it will be before I file for bankruptcy. I can not avoid claiming beneft S again, and this breaks my heart, it is like Groundhog Day, the same thing over and over again.

Today though my sister texted me, she gain is struggling to make ends meet as the expenses in her new home are higher. She earns very little as a legal secretary full time which is typical.of this country, most people don’t earn enough to cover their basic bills.

And then my hot water packs in again for the third time, this time they will bring a supervisor along. She is 63 soon and finding full time working very hard. There is a movement in this country called the waspi women, pushing for the retirement age for women to be lowered to 60,as it used to be. It,is a struggle for those who want to,work and those who dont and have

I got my over 60s bus pass today, ha ha, free London after 9.30am. That will save a lot.

My new fridge arrived, which pleased me a lot. Just little things. Being without a fridge for now about a month has been very difficult. Pete also rang and will visit tomorrow.

Hi Monica, I can't believe the eater heater stopped working again! Hopefully it won't take a song as last time to fixed or replaced. I can go days without talking to anyone. You do start feeling isolated. Honestly, I think it is hard to get employment when you are in your 60's. I don't understand why? We have a lot of experience to offer, we are responsible. I'm sorry that your Sister is having difficulties. I remember not wanting to open the bills. A lot of anxiety. You will know when the time is right for you to file bankruptcy. It will probably be a relief. Have a good visit with Pete. Take care.

Sorry about the typos. I'm using my phone. Also, I'm not able to edit!?

Hi Monica, just checking in. Sorry I haven't been in group all week. I was spending a lot of time out in the sun and being a little more active than usual and it just zonked me out. Thrilled that you were able to make those purchases. Nice new bedding must have felt and looked good. Little things. I'll pray a new job comes your way soon. take care, Laura

I read your post on IDI's thread about weight watchers.

5 years ago I joined. I lost 20kg.

Ive kept it off.

It was one of the best things I have EVER done for myself.

I don't follow the program as much as I used to but as soon as I see myself falling into old eating habits I'm back on the wagon.

It was one of the easiest things ive ever done. And exercise wise, all I did was walk. It really is what you put in your mouth at the end of the day. (and how much!!!)

The government are trying to push the retirement age here up to 70 (its currently 65)

And while I may be able to sustain my job for another 20 years I'm not sure my husband will. As a builder on the tools the body doesn't recover as well as he gets older.

Hopefully we can make a plan to ensure we have enough to retire a little early. It freaks me out just talking about it! Anyway, I hope you enjoy your day and slept well in the new bedding!!!!!

Love K xxx

Hi all, haven’t posted for a few days. Have hot water now due to faulty thermostat and they still have to come back tomorrow. What a hoo ha.

Spent fri evening with Pete who put my hoover and new fan together. It was good to see him and bailey who slept under my bed. Spoke to my son Saturday and we are making plans to clear the clutter in what will be his room.

Had a very long conversation with my mum on phone today. She is 84 but really wants to go back home to southern Austria before she leaves the planet. After i got off the phone I started to look at what could be possible. I am starting that dream off because I think if it was easy for her travelling I would love to do it. Because of her eye conditions she can’t fly. It is possible by train and an overnight stay in Munich on the way. I am holding that thought and will discuss with my sister.

On another issue i told my Chinese guy my doc rung and that I would have to take the treatment that made me so ill last time. I have to do this, alternative therapies whilst they have helped a lot haven’t eradicated it. Started tak8ng probiotics yesterday in preparation.

Hi Monica

I have been catching up on your threAd - work gives us routine and even when we don't like having to do it gets us up , dressed somewhat decently and out meeting the world . It definitely give us a sense of purpose and if we can earn a nice lifestyle at the same time, them so much the better .

I find funds are very low after my holiday and it definitely brings my mood down - it doesn't matter if I am spending or not - just knowing the money is there gives me a kind of confidence . Not having enough knew stinks especially when we want to do something nice for our elderly parents .

Your mum's trip sounds like such a good idea - I visited Vienna pre-gambling addiction and I adored it - I took a boat ride on the Danube and the Blue Danube (Waltz) tour -Memories of a time which was so less complicated .

I think it might be worth suffering the side effects of the medication to get really well. You will of course have been through this before when you were in treatment for cancer . Perhaps this time once and for all your health will improve .

I have missed our chats but the summer is a busy time with everyone going in different directions and out of their usual time zones. Perhaps we will catch up in chat tonight . Xx

Missed u by minutes

Neatly a week since I last posted. Not the best of weeks. 1 year clean in two weeks and I feel like it is one step forward and two back virtually all the time. 4 weeks out of work now with nothing on the horizon and I have had to claim benefits again. I find I am anxious some of the time but it is a very private anxiety and I don’t show it. Inner turmoil, outer calm. Have seen Pete twice this week but spent a day and a half out with my gut problems. This is now a chronic and painful problem which gambling and it’s aftermath kicked off. I have replaced gambling with shopping somewhat although I do have an element of control over that.

The thought of having a boring and mundane life fills me with dread. I am someone who needs to be doing interesting things or I just fall apart.

Monica, Congrats on your 1 year gamble free time! I hope to be there! Sorry that you are still having gut issues. Living a boring and mundane life is something I dread also. Awaiting my Sister's arrival for a 3 day visit. Anxiety is probably adding to your gut issues. I will pray for a job to come soon. You so deserve it!!! Take care.

Great to have your support. Good day today. This morning I listened to some great scripture and lovely music from elevatedworship. The music movedvme to tears. What I have realised is that there are some scripture and pastors on tbn who are right wing and bigoted and there are also beautiful scriptures and on point pure transmissions. Today was mostly beautiful.

This afternoon my grandsons are down from Scotland and I went to lunch with my son and grandsons which I was delighted to pay for. My sister also is struggling and asked for some money. Today I realised that whatever we have we give it, all for one and one for all. I also realised how joyful it was to spend time with my grandsons and son. My sons had lots of questions about their heritage and my son wants to go and see the war memorial in Riga to my grandfather who died via a Russian firing squad. He wants to honour his ancestors so that we can heal the future generations. Such joy and pride in this.

Simple joys in a fragmented family that desires to,integrate where it can.

After eating a big lunch and with swollen tum to match I started to clean out the room which will be my sons. Omg, I found two years ago,summer wardrobe, dresses, swimming costumes and loads of tops and even a fresh pair of sandals. A couple of things still had tags on them and never worn. I always wonderedwhere they had gone. Now I know. I am aware I have a tad of the compulsive clothes shopper but this clearout brought it home to me.

I hear you Monica.

I cleared an attic full of "clutter" two years ago. Lots of memories and lots of unworn clothes with labels "for when I lose two stone".

Forty years of forgotten items.

I sold a lot online and kept a few "treasures".

Clearing clutter is cathartic.

I need to clear five wardrobes next.

Always good to hear from you. The size 10s and 12s are going to charity shops as I doubt very much I ever get into them!

Was not a good day. A lot just did t go right and I guess I am feeling a lot'of frustration. I had my meeting with my work coach and everything conspired so that I couldn’t go. I cried,with absolute frustration,with everything. It is really difficult when one day is good and the next is the exact oppposite. I find the swings in energy really,difficult,to deal with. Groups are very quiet and I am going to have to think about where to get,support. Very aware that I am nearly a year clean and no further forward in my life. No debts have been paid and I find myself getting depressed again. It sucks. Things are going to have to change, there have to be benefits to recovery but I am not seeing them today.

Hi Monica ,

I tried the 10 pm group several times last night - it seems we are all in different schedules for the summer but they will pick up again when September arrives .

Let's break things down

You have already proved hat you are very employable - short term contracts are ok for now - but I do feel a more permanent position will come along .

I will try to make the 10 pm group tonight .

I am on a very low carb diet and to be honest it is the easiest diet I have ever done because you don't feel hungry . Low fat diets used to recommended but now research has shown that low carb is more effective in curing a plethora of obesity related illnesses (yes I am in the obese range now ) like diabetes , blood pressure etc.

The weight is falling off but I haven't weighed myself cos I don't have a scales but I need new trousers after less than a week .

Monica there is nothing more depressing than lack of money -

If you have new clothes u want to get rid of put them on eBay - u will be surprised how much they will raise .

Don't let a bad day drag u down - u have come so far .

Was your workcoach positive about U getting work?

Have you applied for anything recently .

Sorry the support has been lacking - I have been having such a busy time but I will tell u about it in group .

Onwards and upwards Monica !

Thanks for your post. Appreciated. I didnt get to see my work coach as explained earlier as everything went wrong. They dont actually do anything.. except ask what you have done to get work. They cant help me at the level I work at.

I am very employable and I wont compromise either. There just isn't anything at the moment. I am OK for cash for at least another couple of months from the tax rebate and the last job so I can live well for a while. But it is the instability that is very draining.

Today I looked after my grandsons as my son had to work and we went to see the Incredibles 2. For me it was predictable and really boring but they loved it. This is the first time I have looked after them for many years as they moved to Scotland when their mum left my son to marry a very well off man from Iceland...

Monica, I loved taking my Grandson to movies. It was nice that you were able to spend time with them. You should sell your clothing . Here we have eBay and local online selling sites. My clothing and shoes always sell. Something will come your way job wise.

Hi Monica, so sorry I haven't been around nearly as much. The summer is in full swing and when you live seaside you try and enjoy each and every minute of it. I wish I could tell you the anxiety will go away. Mine is always there, sometimes tucked away for a while but it will come back. I often think that comes from being a sensitive empathetic (perhaps slightly empathic?) person. And maybe when we aren't running from our issues by gambling (or shopping) to cover them up it contributes to these feelings of anxiety. The alternative is not the answer of course. We have to figure out better ways to accept and deal with our feelings and emotions. So here are all the wins that I could read in your posts:

-family talking of healing and heritage (perhaps they have a strong positive example)

-family supporting one another

-you have enough savings to take care of yourself for many todays

-you are making progress around the house

-you are staying on top of your health

-you are still learning about yourself

-You are almost ONE YEAR gamble free!!!!!!!!!!

I know life isn't always positive and we are allowed to get down. Just don't let the stinking thinking get hold and tell you that recovery has no benefits because I see a lot of them in you and your posts. Hope you're feeling a little better and that you have found a little peace again.

take care!

You were cut off when I was going to say.... have faith..... you never know, maybe something longer term will come your way and you won't need to be a best selling author. lol

I had three appointments last week which also ate up a lot of my GT time. I'm hoping to have a little more posting time this week as I think I'm appointment free. And maybe more chats too! Take care Monica, I really do think you are doing brilliant. xo

I was kicked out were you? I am logged back into group.

Just missed laura in chat. Got called about a job today, not a brilliant one and something I would have done years ago but my mood picks up instantly when I get to participate in the outside world again. Unemployment equals exclusion.

Pete came round tonight and fixed the bath, only been waiting for him to do that for about two years. Shared a meal.

Tomorrow I am going to my sisters for two days so,won’t be digital. I have to seek out human contact or else i would just withdraw from everything.

Hey Monica, I was booted as soon as you logged on but got back in. Thanks for your words of support, I'm glad I didn't gamble too. It was little flitting thoughts that were banished with the help of my GT friends.

Enjoy your trip to your sisters. There is something that can be so special about that relationship. Hope you get to treat yourself!

I'm fighting not to go lay down and nap. Another day of sun sand and sea has knocked me out. Touch base when you return x0

Hi Monica - hope u us a good trip to your sisters and yes that is great news about the job- having a little money behind you means you can wait for a better opportunity .

I hope u feel less anxious - it is a horrible feeling .

Maybe catch u in group soon


I hope you had a lovely time at your sisters,

There's a bond there that is like nothing else.

I agree with everyone! Sell those clothes! I have bought a lot of things, clothes, furniture etc on those sites and they are brilliant. I have also sold a lot of stuff too! Maybe you could treat yourself with the extra cash?

Enjoy your bath! I don't have one and it kills me!!!! What I wouldn't give, especially now that the boys are much older and wouldn't be knocking on the door every 5 minutes!!!!

Enjoy your weekend,

Love K xxx

Thanks Laura, Kathryn and idi. I had a nice time at my sisters. Their new home is very small and compact and isn’t big enough to take us all at Xmas. But we went to a farm for a nice cream tea on Thursday and on Friday we went to the historic town of Stamford for a nice lunch and looking at the expensive shops, artisan overpriced crap was our view! I paid for all of it and was delighted to do so. My sister can’t afford any luxuries really aside from wine and the 3 scratch cards she buys every time in hope of a big win and better future. I understand why she does it, when you work full time and can’t afford any luxuries, that sure sucks.

Got back yesterday And have been alone since yesterday afternoon. Got a letter to say no benefits this month. They really take vast liberties, no wonder people are being evicted.

I am Ok, I have some underlying anxiety about a lot of things but I am Ok today. Did the 10pm group and spoke to a new member which helps me a lot to see what this addiction does, reminds me of how bad it was. My tum is Ok, settled having regular meals at my sisters, she loves to cook for us and I like her to do it.

All ok.

Well on Monday I went to meet my work coach who proceeded to tell me that my appointment and claim had been cancelled as they have changed all the rules and I now need to make a new claim. This means no rent for at least six weeks so I have to find it myself. I noticed that between mo day and Tuesday my anxiety levels within were so very high and I wasn’t sleeping and had smoked 40 cigarettes in a 24 hour period, which has never happened. Fed up with feeling this inner turmoil, I do some research on the condition I have and find that it interferes with the synthesis of serotonin which is why so many with it experience anxiety and depression. I am not depressed right now but the inner turmoil, well hidden, is high. There is a herbal cure for my condition which has eradicated it in many people, but it costs around 150 quid and can only be obtained from overseas. I determine by myself that I am not going down the benefits route, it is just a waste of time and keeps a person stuck in a cycle of lack and having to jump through too many hoops to get a few quid.

Today I have an interview for a job, not a brilliant job, which went well. Yesterday a brilliant job did come up and I am conflicted as I really want the second but can I afford to not accept the first job if offered it. Just as I am going for my interview, my sister texts to borrow money, third time in three weeks. I say no for the first time and within five minutes my daughter asks for help with my granddaughters secondary school uniform which is going to cost around 500 quid which they don’t have. I mean, really, what the schools ask the parents to buy is unreal. This happens to me at the same time a lot, on one day I was asked three times to lend money and I would usually run to the tables. Even when they all know I will file for bankruptcy and am unemployed I still get asked because of my earning capability. I do t blame them either at all as it is extremely difficult to manage on the average wage in this country. I know that in the past when I went to gamble it was because I wanted to the big win to alleviate everyone’s financial difficulties. I am sure there is a lesson here, to let go and lend it or to set up some boundaries. I don’t know which and I feel guilty saying no. But I have no,income coming in although I am Ok right now, but with no benefits coming in I have to,watch the finances carefully. I say to my sister that when I get s job I can help but everything is too unstable right now, and say the same to my daughter, that I will help if I get a job and certainly before she starts school.

Thanks Monica for your posts on my thread. Just to have someone who understands and the support helps me to feel that I'm not alone in the world. I'm sorry that you are dealing with the lack of benefits. I hope you get the job you want as you so deserve it. I'm still numb and distraught. I did misuse my credit cards and I've been paying them through a credit agency but since they never accepted the plan but have taken the monthly payments, they now are demanding the balance due! I feel hopeless right now an d stupid for getting in this mess. Your support has helped. I'm trying to deal with this. Thanks again for being there. Have a good day.

It has been raining all day and I went out in it. It is really a blessed relief from the hot and humid weather.

I give in and send my sister some money this morning, just a few quid. So aware of how difficult it all is with nothing.

I ring for a dental appointment as my crowns and a couple of teeth are becoming loose and I know what is to come. Apparently a third of all people 60and over hve dentures and I am going to have to save for the expensive implants now, gone past the point really of where I know I have to do this but have dreaded it for a long time.

Pete comes round to spend the afternoon and will pop round tomorrow night for dinner.

I get the job, not the one I want which will take more time, but I really feel I have no option but to do so. I am relieved. It means no benefits and work till mid November. It is great and there is life for folks over 60... I sign the forms to say I am not bankrupt and all too aware that it is a matter of time.

But today has been a good day.

Hi Monica, I'm glad that you got a job. Sorry it wasn't the one you wanted. I just want to say that your support has lifted me a bit. Thank you. From years of smoking, not getting regular check ups and a lot of large feelings I had to have dentures before 60. I had put a lot of money into root canals and crowns. Another lesson! It was nice that you gave your Sis some money. We are a lot alike. I share wh3n I don't have

much. I can't stand to see someone else suffer. Have a good test of your day!

Typo: fillings

Hi Monica thanks for your post on my thread , i do know what triggers my indulgence and i do have barriers in place including self exclusion but i drove 8 miles and even though i am excluded they didn't know me so i got away with it . I have contacted a counceller as i feel i need to speak to someone non judgemental and am hoping to go for my first appointment soon . Your last post says today has been a good day which in itself is a blessing. :)

Hi Monica

Congratulations on the job - you are so employable -I read your post and found myself wishing I had taken a different career path - And it feels to late for everything now .

It is hard not to lend money when you have it and people ask- but sometimes we have to fit our own oxygen mask first . I think those of us who dreamt of helping everyone with our big win have always been generous (maybe too generous ) with money . I look back at the friends I have helped financially and many of them are no longer even in my life ...

I am delighted you have got work - and this job may turn out to be the right one after all - you never know what contacts or friends you will make there .

I have got a new phone - so will be back in groups more - unfortunately the cross- over time has left me vulnerable and I have “dabbled “ . I actually thought I was safe due to Gamstop. I feel gutted with myself and wanted to write about it on my own thread but I am afraid of starting the “drama” again and can’t go through feeling unsafe again (so I might delete this part once you have read it ).

I have decided that Gamstop simply doesn’t work - after all the hoops you have to go through to get signed up - it seems they don’t connect your details to gambling sites on their list !

I hope we can connect loads more - I am not home at the moment and find it difficult to get time to myself to go to groups but I miss the chats with you and Laura .

Keep strong - hope you enjoy the work !

Congrats on your new job, Monica. You seem to have great energy. I couldn't even consider planning a workday. I guess I burned myself out doing 12 hour shifts. Seems like a different life now...

I-did-it, all I can say is "I know the feeling! Why oh, why do we torture ourselves?

Good to hear from you both. I hope you are right idi re the job but it is a lot less money than I usually get, but hey, it’s a job. I hve spent today in bed having had an abscess come up literally overnight on a delicate part of the bod, which is new and has never happened before.

I wish I did have a lot of energy Vera but I guess it is whatever we practice at the most we get good at and I am good at interviews and I literally knew within five minutes they would offer me the job, it isn’t the one I want though and I guess the timing hasn’t been right this time.

Pete came and cooked dinner last night, steak which I bought and I dog sat today. He has just gone out and bought me cigs and we hve a thing about Tesco strawberries and cream mousse. It is delicious and we eat three each...

I am more than aware how precarious everything can be, particularly work and bankruptcy and how they don’t align. My daughter texted yesterday and is seriously thinking of leaving her husband again. He is the breadwinner but uses it as power and control and I know what that can do to a woman’s spirit and self esteem. We have a text chat and I will meet up with her gain next week. But I will need to see a doc about the abscess, which looks a bit dodgy.

Try a hot bath with Epsom Salts added, Monica...

It certainly is ouch. One minute fine, woke up and it had all happened overnight, I wonder if it is linked with my increased smoking and sugar intake. Epsom salt bath Exactly what I did last night Vera, no change unfortunately.

Think I will do group tonight and then give it another go.

Whatever caused it, Monica, you now need a CURE. Can you get your hands on an antibiotic? Otherwise you will have to have it drained.

An even bigger "ouch"!!

3 hot baths a day was the old cure. Tea Tree Oil is good too.

'Hope you get relief!

Monica, I hope the Epsom salt help! Thank you again for your support. I really, really needed it! I feel like I'm getting back to my old self again. Not so down as before. It's such a relief to have friends here like yourself who do not judge and who use their experiences to help. I hope you feel better soon!

Any relief from the "condition", Monica?

Thanks Vera

3 salt baths and slightly less painful ty. Spent the day watching the Europeans which has been really good to watch this week and the great handmaids tale. Pete popped in briefly this evening and bought me some Vaseline. Nice.....

Great to speak to idi and Vera last night, today I am feeling mega lazy. I have so much to do but am vegging out. Dietitians called me today but hve said I will need to meet with them After talking about my history which won’t be till October 1st. May do late group tonight as have a lot of things to do before I start new job tomorrow. One year gf on 14th August.

Move Monica move!

I have figured out wat my problem is and it isn’t an abscess, it is a haemtoma, which is a very strange phenomenon. Doesn’t hurt as much but is very much there, the salt baths help a lot. There is always something. Maybe we are all just slowly falling to bits, or maybe I am just speaking for myself.

Hi Monica, I feel like I'm falling to bits at the moment. I had stopped taking my vitamin regimin just because I was tired of taking things all the time. But I started it again yesterday as the exhaustion is getting oppressive. Odd place for a hematoma?

Congratulations on the job. Quick start date! Is it close to home or an away job again? At least it is some income security for a little while longer. You'll be able to help with your grand daughters uniform . I wonder if your sister is abusing your generosity. But if it is truly a limited income thing then lucky her that she has a generous and caring sister. You are a very kind person. But remember you need to take care of Monica too. Sometimes people will repeatedly use a "safety line" if it begins to feel like part of their income instead of yours. I guess it can be a case of setting boundaries in that instance.

I will come to group in a few minutes but not sure how long I can stay. Sorry I've not been around in your difficult time but oh so glad there was a help line for you to call. One year tomorrow. Such a big achievement. It hasn't been easy but you've done. You've come back from the edge. And now it is YOUR chose to give your money to whom you like and for whatever purpose you like and not the governments.

Well done. Laura xo

Congrats on the job!

I also want to congratulate you on your 1 year gf!!!

Its already the 14th in Oz!!

Love K xxx

I hope your first day at work goes well. Congrats on your 1 year gamble free. I hope to be there!

Thank you all for your good wishes. Brief resume of past few days. Job is ok, lots of responsibility for not so much money but hey it’s a job, about one hour 49 mins each way.

Pete came round Tuesday night quite upset as the dog chased a fox and the fox ran into the road and got splatted. Pete couldn’t put it out of its misery but was so cross with bailey calling him a murderer. But hey dogs chase foxes, it’s in their nature I guess. But I could see it upset pete quite a lot.

Yesterday I had already taken the day off as had an appointment in the morning in Kent and went to see my daughter for a pub lunch and chat. It was lovely to see her for a good chat.

Today work was ok, no lunch as meetings, but it’s a job right? It actually is ok, for now. I just appreciate having the work.

I must open the past six weeks letters and will do this over the weekend.

Hi Monica, it's good to hear that the job is going ok. That is a lot of traveling back and forth though. It's good that you were able to see your Daughter. I need to take your lead and get a job also. Thanks for your support and giving me motivation to face my challenges! Have a good day!

Hi Monica

Thanks for chatting the other night - I hope you’re were not too tired in work next day .

It is almost seven and I haven’t got to sleep yet - I guess this and my sudden aches and pains are one of the rewards of gambling .

Really hope you have a great weekend and I haven’t congratulated u yet on the one year milestone so very well done.


Was going to take it easy today but woke up early and contemplating what I am going to do with the rest of my life. I feel quite clear in some of the things I would like to do. Felt quite good today within. Sent my daughter 150 quid towards my granddaughters secondary school uniform. Felt good about that too and grateful to be able to do that.

Went shopping this afternoon and bought a few smarter bits for work. In the week I had a couple of mornings where it was like what do I wear and I like to be able to just find something and feel comfortable in my clothes. Food shopped in m and s and am still eating too much cake. Weightwatchers I think on a Sunday, there is a meeting in my local gym.

One thing at a time, one day at a time. I am a bit more patient now in that I don’t feel I have to do everything now. Took my wellwoman max idi.

Hi Monica

I kinda got mean with myself and wouldn’t never spend the money on the Wellwoman - interestingly there is NAC in them which is proven to reduce gambling urges - lesson learned ! I let go almost all of the helpful things over the past month or so .

That’s so good you could help your daughter out- it feels so good when you can do things like this .

I love shopping in m and s - I feel because there’s is so little waste it works out quite reasonable when catering For a small number . It’s another thing I can’t do this weekend!

Patience is a great virtue Monica -I am glad life is on the up - I love having nice clothes for work- as you describe -something comfortable which also makes you look well dressed .

You are doing great !

I like to be able to feel comfortable but look nice at work. I also need easy care pieces. I have so much stuff that is hang to dry right now. I never used to by clothes like that. ugh, too much effort and you can't do a list minute load of laundry for work.

I'm so glad you are in a better place mentally Monica. All that matters is each day. You are in a place now where you can meet your daily needs and extras for your family.

After the year you have been through I would be probably be eating too much cake too! I would think I deserved a cake a day :) So if it wasn't for the health concerns I'd bet saying eat lots and lots of cake.

Well done Monica. Hope you are enjoying your Sunday. Have a good day in work. Hope you have some good reading or listening material for the travel in tomorrow.

Take care, get lots of rest and talk soon.


Well I paid the price today for stuffing sugar and dairy. I keep thinking it will be different this time but it isnt and the day went with tummy pain which I managed to sleep through. I have to have the discipline to realise I can’t eat the things I love to eat. Aside from that, it has settled now after a long sleep.

And I am Ok.

Hi Monica, That was awesome that you were able to send money to your Daughter. I just am amazed that you are so resilant after all that you've been through. You have given me hope that I can turn thing around. I've been looking for a part time job but there's very little opportunity here. I may have to look in the city. It would be a drive, 1hour-11/2 hours one way. But you are doing more than that. I hope your weekend was good. Take care and have a fabulous week!

Hi Monica, Just checking in to see how you are. Post when you have time.

Appreciate your concern. Today I have felt quite tired and like i am getting a cold. The travel and work have taken it out of me a bit although I like the job. 12hours every day including travel is quite tough.

Today I was looking at 4 month round the world cruises for around 20 grand and dreaming. There are still many things I would like to do and that is one I would love to do. A part of me feels nothing is impossible and then....

Well, of course, as usual back down to Earth. I,opened my letters which I have been avoiding now for 8 weeks.Had to laugh as I had one postmarked Rome and it was a scam letter saying a relative of mine had died and left 5 million euros to be charged between the said lawyer and myself. Ha ha. I reported it to the post office as a scam but it even named the relative and what he died of. Crazy.

Quite a few debt collector letters who haven’t a hope of recovering the 3 lots of 10 grand debt they referred to. But no court action which is the thing that I find most upsetting. I had 10 letters from council tax in that period. I have to be honest that even after a year and two weeks gf I have only addressed my rent and repossession of my home being ahead with my rent now. I value the roof over my head. So it really makes me think about whether I will ever be able to pay off the massive amounts. Biting the bullet to bankruptcy ends my career so the longer I can string it all out the better. But it is tough knowing you are never likely to be able to pay off the 100 grand or round about that I owe. I am open to new money making entrepreneurial,opportunities as that is one way out. Writing a bestseller also is...

Pete came round this evening armed with dinner which he cooked and wine, he is watching tv in the front room whilst I am in the bedroom cos I need to rest. He fixed my iPad which refused to charge today and I set up his new phone. He had lost his phone with all his clients numbers on it. He is a little depressed and doesn’t like his new landlord that much saying that he has some bad habits as an elderly gentleman.

It it is good to see him and the dog who is now asleep by my bed. I love that dog.

Sorry I missed you and IDI. I got distracted and didn't realize i was disconnected. But I am back!

And now for my post. 12 hours return is tough when there is no relaxation to be found on the commute. Anything like an audio book you could listen to? I think there are aps for your phone and you buy the books? Just a thought. Somehow if you could get a little enjoyment or rejuvination out of the travel time it might help a little. Hopefully as it cools off it won't be quite so stuffy even if still crowded.

I know when I was dealing with my horrendous finances and trying to sort them out it would get so overwhelming sometimes. The support system I had here would tell me to break it down into manageable pieces. To focus on where I was at that moment and on what I could do something about. No point in stressing over what we can't change. If there is no threat of court action at the moment and you can continue to pick up contracts that is pretty good for now. They aren't impacting your life currently that is definitely a plus. So you have a roof over your head, food on the table, the ability to give a little help to your loved ones and a little money to make your place a home. You have a little company still in Pete and the dog. And you have your weekends free. Try and look for ways to make your work week easier and your stamina up. It's hard to be the strong one all the time. If you can afford, buy a simple little boquet of flowers, or a single stem even and put it in your favourite place. That is from me my friend if I could be there to give it to you. Take care of your self. Get lots of rest too!


Hi Monica, 12 hours a day in work and travel is a lot! That would be very tiring. What do you mean that bankruptcy would end your career? I wish a had wise advice about how to handle your debts but I'm overwhelmed and treading water. It's nice that Pete made dinner and you have company. Take care and enjoy your weekend.

Hi Monica

I wish I could advise you - 100 grand is so little in the great scheme of the world and such a huge amount when we are the people owing it .

I think if I were you I would ring the credit cards and get them moved to a debt repayment agency where U pay what you can afford - keep repayments small and just let the balances come down over time - then you can write them off your over all debt .

- I have just received a statement from one which I have been paying a tenner a month to for around six years and I only owe £90 on it now . I have cleared quite a few This way - For example I have one i pay 100 a month to - it stops the letters , the phone calls and the stress. They will never harass you for more than you can pay - I have even had companies trying to stop me paying because they felt I couldn’t afford it ( that’s the tenner one).

That will mean you can focus on the taxes - but leave that for another day . It will mean if you get good pay you can make a few substantial payments towards them quite quickly.

The 12 hour days are hard- perhaps you might consider doing a course which you could study in the train - I know u love education. How about a language so when you take that four month cruise , you will be able to practice it?

Monica there is a way round this - start with the things you can do and then drag the others out .

I hope this is helpful !

some good advice IDI! Hope your getting some relax time in this weekend Monica. I am in afternoon group but quiet so far. talk soon, Laura

Hi, you are both on fire with the support you are giving!

Slept all day today and got up at 5.30pm. Needed that rest and woke up with the tired feeling shaken off and more refreshed feeling.

Went to the local shops, it’s rainy and dark and the leaves are coming off the trees, autumn is starting early.

hope you weren't up half the night Monica! Would be tough to rise for work this morning. I called and cancelled an appointment today for therapy. I didn't sleep well last night, my energy levels have been sapped, and in all honesty I just couldn't put my smile on. But, I'm up early. I'm connecting here. I'm drinking my lovely coffee. I have a nasty to do list but one productive day could really put a dent in it and get it off my back. Anyway, didn't mean to hijack your thread for my moan. I will be fine I'm sure. Can't be upbeat all the time. That just wouldn't be natural. Have a good week! Laura

I wasn’t up half the night luckily. Fell asleep at around midnight. Like u I feel quite tired not wanting to do anything except laze around in bed. It’s a bank holiday in U.K. so off today. Weather has been quite autumnal and long weekend a bit of a washout. Dog sat whilst pete worked and he has just got back and made me egg and beans on toast and it was really yum. You have been the most consistent support for everyone on the site laura so ty for that. But I know how u feel cos I can’t seem to shake the tiredness off either.

Not posted so much because of work taking up all my time. Key things this week are work, well obviously ,which is Ok. A vivid dream where I was gambling and winning. It felt so real that I remember feeling a massive disappointment in the dream that I had gambled and Ruined my recovery. That feeling was more vivid than the gambling.

Signed up for the writing course today. I estimate if you can write one bestseller I could repair the damage and then some. Dreaming big but keeping it real. It could all not work but at least I will try.

Better for the big win to come from a bit of graft than gambling. Feeling tired again this weekend. But at least it is only till november this job.

Plus had a long chat with my friend who has cancer who I fell out with some time ago. She realised I was right about the healer and she figured out his arrogance and greed which became too much for her. It wasn’t an I told you so moment. I had found him obnoxious when I went to see him. She is now 4 years living with cancer but has refused to go Down the radical surgery, chemo and radiation route. I really do t blame her at all. She cannot work now and has a degree of pain but her dad is going to pay for her to go to the Gerson institute in Hungary where they use detoxification of the body through natural foods and medicines. She is very brave as she has a positive attitude which has kept her going so long living with cancer.

My teeth cracked across the bottom. Still intact but won’t last much longer. Gotta sort it out but fills me with fear cos of past traumatic experiences with dentists.

And so I go onto Facebook and there are two r

Things together, a friend of mine who we have a chat whenever we see each other about her son informs us all

That her son, Sam, has passed, aged 40 after a very long battle with cancer he had since his twenties. Fighting it all his young life. It has spread to his spine a couple of years ago,and he had been fighting it so hard. I feel unbelievably sad and shed a tear and say a prayer for his beautiful soul.

It is also my granddaughters birthday today, 15, and I had completely forgotten. I can’t brng myself to say happy birthday uNtil I shake off this sadness.

So sorry for the bad news in your life. Cancer takes such a toll today. As you know so well. I have lost friends and family to the illness. Not a wonder we tried to to hide from it all when we became tired of it.

I've often thought of writing a book! Again is it my personality looking for a quick fix. Write a book or win a jackpot. But I think it is also due to our ability to communicate and confer feelings and a state of being.

Hope you are enjoying your weekend. Time to relax. Try and rejuvinate a little.

I'm hanging out in chat. Quiet. I spent all day yesterday tackling my paperwork. My goal is to have it all done this weekend. Pretty ambitious but I have to push at it. Tired of it hanging over my head. Hopefully I'll be in group tonight at 10.

Hope your granddaughter has a nice birthday.


Had a sleep and felt a little less sad. Went to the shops and passed my friend when I was on the bus. She looked as ok as you can be when lifecdoes the unthinkable.

I think the book is because I have had things published in the late eighties and I have completely given up on the healing thing so I am doing doing something I loved as a child. Less of the big win but more of the rediscovery of something I know is a talent that needs a bit of nurture.

Pete has just come round to borrow some money, losing his phone meant losing his client bookings but he says he will be str8 in a week or two. Earlier in the week he rushed str8 round when I had locked myself out.

sorry I was late, I'm in chat now

My sister texts me at 2.30 in the morning. She cannot sleep.worrying about money saying she will need to work 7 days a week which I think we both know is ridiculous. I don’t answer which is usual. I decide to sleep on it. This is becoming a constant and I contemplate what the right thing is to do. As I hve said in previous threads this happens to me a lot when I am working.

I know we are living in difficult times and my debts and inability to pay them are not a consideration for me. I would sooner help my family than pay huge amounts on the debt situation. I have had to contemplate and reflect on this because pre gambling the constant requests from family members would send me into a tailspin.

I have no idea whether this is the right thing or the wrong thing to do. It simply is the situation and how I respond to it that seems to be the point here.

Hi Monica, I feel the delima you are in. When I had money, I helped family members with large amounts of money. My situation is different now. I help myself first. Then I help them with small amounts of money if I can. It may sound selfish but I think we need to take care of ourselves first. We aren't gett ing any younger. Just my thoughts. I know it is hard to say no. And to put yourself first. Just my thoughts.

Hi Monica, that must be a little stressful for sure. I know money pressures always made me want to gamble.

You could always let her know that you are having some money pressures of your own right now. If she is wasting a lot of her money on scratch offs etc is it your place to bail her out? Tell her if it is something urgent to check back later but for her to expect you to bail her out of her entire situation is unrealistic. You have children that need some help sometimes as well not to mention a savings sock or nest egg for in between jobs is a necessity for you with your insecure work situation. And as you said, you'd like to take a little time off work yourself. Recovery for me was a lot about the B words. Boundaries is one of them. Setting boundaries with people can be difficult but sometimes is needed for our mental health and addictions recovery. You are very kind to your family. But now you need to take care of you. Have a good day in work tomorrow.


I speak these words that Polonius spoke to Laertes, to myself as well as to you, Monica. I think lending is just as dangerous as borrowing, if not even more so, for a CG. In my case I feel I am compelled to lend when others are "stuck". My motives are not always altruistic. Sometimes I give to make myself feel important . I give to make others dependent on me. I give to establish control over others. I give to get. It makes me feel like a big shot. Sometimes, I give because I feel others deserve MY money more than I do!? How about that! Why do you give, Monica?

Thanks for your posts. Woke up early. Again work has been very busy and I haven’t had the time to post or tune in to support and groups. Vera, I give because God gives to givers and to not do it seems mean and blocks the flow. I have been in a place of lack a few times in my life and I know what that feels like so,I wouldn’t wish that on anyone close to me. I don’t like to control anyone, that has never interested me, each is free to live their own lives, and I have met too many controlling people in my life, not always men, which I avoid avoid. This week all work and travel and a very long day yesterday with travel a long way to meetings. I got through it and rewarded

Myself shopping at a big M and s store with a coat, skirt and two tops.

I am glad to be busy as the day goes quick and i don’t dwell,on the Underlying sadness I feel about my friends son. The lady with the podcast who passed from cancer this week was the same age, just 40. My other friend with cancer texted me to say she felt alone with cancer and had been in pain for days. I asked her to get medical help which she avoids as still going down the natural route and that bothered me because I think she needs medical support. I prayed for her and yesterday she texted me to say easing up and not to worry. I am concerned about her as deep down although i support her going down the natural route I am concerned that it isn’t eradicating the cancer. She is off to do versions therapy in Hungary in October and I hope that helps her,

Will do groups over the weekend, each and every. Or I g I tune in to scripture and I find that with gods help I am getting through and living life.

Pete came round Wednesday to give me back the money I lent him and bought a fluorescent tube to fix the light broken in the kitchen. We make a plan t9 go to the theatre. I am interested now more than ever in enjoying and getting the most,out of life, something I had given up on when gambling, oh and on Monday, I,also,did my writing class, 12 people, some of whom read out their work that we did in the evening and you know what, a few are better writers than me, more eloquent so clearly I have some good learning to do here.

Hi Monica

I had a lot of catching up to do on your thread - sorry for neglecting our friendship.

I lend for the same reason as you - I hate to see people stuck for a few bob and to be honest I don’t really value money very much (except when I need it ) . I’m not going to give you any advice about the money - it is he’s to think of our family stuck for money no matter how they get to that stage.

I hope the natural therapy works for your friend - I feel this is so brave but even thinking about it kinda scares me - I guess I would feel safer going with conventional medicine but each to their own.

I am delighted you bought new clothes - look at you now Monica - who would have thought you would be back on your feet so quickly ?

I hope I catch you in group later . I am still gamble free !!

That’s the thing about good friendships, they can be picked up again at any time. They do the distance.

Well have woken up at around three am two nights in a row and do posts when this happens. I had a text from my son at 2.30am asking if I was still up and we had a quick phone call. It seems the move is on. His grandma is u well and although she has three houses, has to move back in and will take bens room. She owns the house plus the one that her friend lives in. Typical of her to move out of her own house. She is such a good woman. Her friend in the same way that pete is a friend is mistreating her and she has been in hospital very sick with necrotising fasciitis, the flesh eating disease. She is a diabetic so in danger of gangrene and losing her legs. All caused through a simple cut that got infected. He says that my ex and him will be round to start clearing the room at 2pm. I have s feeling she will be alright.

Pete came round last night for a short while but left early as we were both tired and I fell asleep before group.

I get texts from my girlfriend with cancer today and they r a bit cutting, she is very vested in this new treatment. I realise that whatever I am doing is of no interest to her. I forgive her but I have been here before with her and realise no change there then. She has a fight in her hand and doesn’t have much for anyone else. She misunderstands something I said and comes across all holiervthan thou. I reflect on this for a while but not long enough as my son comes round with my ex and start to clear the room. A big box breaks and shatters it’s contents all down the communal stairs. We go to the council dump in the van as they need proof I am a resident and can use it. We sing in the van to happy and stuck in the middle with you. What I noticed is that in the name of love any past stuff is forgotten and we simply enjoy each other’s company. They put the shattered box in someone else’s bin and I have a mini freak out and the.n just accept that it was the nearest thing. Well, it’s happening, my son is moving in. We r all busy with work so we clear half the room and will do the next in the next week or two. This sets me to starting the big clear out of the house and I buy lots of black bags.

Monica , thank you for your lovley post on my thread - it has lifted my spirits no end ,

You are doing a clear out for your son to move in and I am trying to get motivated to do something similar for my son - his own hangout place . Once agin we are sync .

It sounds like your friend may Be bitter about her illness and is lashing out - no judgement as I imagine I would feel the same - however you much protect yourself and not be the fall guy for her issues .

You deserve friendships that lift you up - although I guess if it is just like this recently that’s different .

I admire Monica that no matter hwo your life if going you age so much compassion for others , like your son’s gran.

Hope we manage to meet in group soon - I too have been falling asleep early !


Have had a headache since last night and think I have a cold from my cold office on Friday. I called my mum yesterday, she is reasonably ok but is being stalked a bit by a man who says he can’t stop thinking about her. I tell her to be firm and say she is not interested. My mum is nearly 85, I mean really, still having huge problems with her eyes and we talked about her being referred to moorfields. Tiddly district hospitals with long waits cannot treat effectively, it was carry on,with the drops as no change. Not good enough. We talk again about her going to Austria before she passes and I say that I looked it all up via train and let’s try for next year.

My sister texts me at 3.30am asking again for help, just a week since the last time. I tell her that this is the last time and that she must go for help to a debt management agency. She is paying too much on credit cards. I explain my debt situation and she says she did t know. I mean, really, I was a bloody gambling addict lol. What does she think when I explain about bankruptcy being advised as the only way forward for me. Again it is a case of no recognition of my gambling habit and what that did. I ask her how much on booze and scratchies, she says she has cut down on scratches and drinks wine during the week and a bottle of gin at the weekend, I say last time and no more help until she helps herself. I know she does t earn much but I am not going to enable a booze and scratches habit. I am sure she would pay much less on credit cards if she gets help. I do t feel guilty about this, I think it is the right thing to do. She says she is afraid of bankruptcy as she did it many years ago. I say she is earning and a debt management plan would probably be the right way to go.

Going out shopping now, pete has gone to meet with his daughter this morning and will pop back later. I have asked him to help me with the clear out which he will charge a special friends rate. I can’t do everything that needs to be done myself.

Hi Monica

Well done on being assertive with your sister .

It does sound like she could get by ok if she didn’t buy the scratch cards and booze. I am thinking wine and Gin must come to £30 a week and that’s without mixers!

Add on the scratch cards and yes you at way enabling some very expensive habits .

Your poor mum - makes u wonder what’s the point of the health service - when we are sick help is never available. In Ireland you mostly pay buy u get seen by your gp the day you want to be seen not an appointment two weeks later .

It a a good idea to get help - and better still help you know !

Your room will be great - u are so motivated about getting stuff done.

Hi Monica

Hope all is good with you and work is going well.

Thank you for your advice on my work thing and you were spot on. I am going to remember that in future if I am worried.

I can see how you progressed so far in our career .

I would be asking you to mentor me if we worked together - you have amazing insight .

Much appreciated


Difficult week in that on Sunday i went down with a nasty chest infection. Caused by a colleague leaving a window rammed open and stuck so the office was very cold and draughty. I was hugely disappointed, missed my writing class but when I returned foundpeople very supportive and aware that every one going down with it. Still have a cough and lost my voice for a while. Pete saved me with a far,in, homey and ginger concoction which enabled me to function and go back to work on weds.

I went to the after funeral tea for my friends son on Wednesday, which although very sad, she is bearing up as well as can be expected really. I felt very sad but said that she can call me at any time if she needs to talk.

And today the chest infection has gone into my gum with an abscess. Keep going Monica, tricky week.

Hi Monica - just missed u- I am still I group if you are about

Sorry to hear about your chest infection and now your gum abscess. I hope that you feel better soon. It was good that Pete was able to help you with his concoction. Reminded me when i was a kid and would come down with a bad cold. My Grandmother would fix me a hot toddy. I would sleep for hours and it would knock the cold right out of me. Years later I found out the it was whisky, honey and lemon juice heated up. Oh my!! But it worked!!! LOL! Get better soon!

Yes, well his magic concoction helps a lot. I woke up coughing a lot but it releases it all and I feel I can function. Today I went to have a luxury pedicure and facial which was very nice. Soft manicured feet now and a compliment that I don’t have many lines and wrinkles for my age. That felt good. Although the previous owner who I adored sold up two years ago now. Her daughter had had cancer and was in remission but I was told it had returned. Don’t like hearing this type of news but I give thanks every day that there is another day, another opportunity. Haven’t been for beauty treatments since my hols and before that years as gambling away. My son texted me to say could he come over and I had to say I was out. He said he didn’t want to come to my house and ever find pete there. I said that pete respects that but don’t ever tell me who I can or cannot see and we need to sort that issue out before he moves in. I said that pete is my best friend and that I will always see him.

I dropped into the Chinese docs on the off chance to see him. Was told to return in 15 mins. Lethal. Posh boutique next door and I spent a few bob on a jumper, two cardigans and a scarf. They were pricey and posh. Ooer but I am on a rejuvenate mission which is about style and anti ageing. All part of the recovery programme. The doc examined my chest and said I had a lot of crackles at the base of the left lung and that he thought it was a viral chest infection probably caught in my work. Gave me some herbs and back in a week. Instead of three to four months with it, he said three to four days. I don’t see my gp any more as I just don’t trust them with dishing out the antibiotics.

Returned home feeling ok, and good. It is good to pamper ourselves, very good for the self esteem. about to take the next batch of Peters magic medicine.

I'm glad that you pampered yourself today. It's always good when we treat ourselves. Besides the occasional hair cut, I've been laxed in that department. Now with the new job, I would love to purchase a few items of clothing before winter. It's good if you get things sorted with your Son about Pete before he moves in. I hope you continue to feel better.

Glad you were well enough to go out today, Monica.

Would you believe, I never had a pedicure or manicure or facial IN MY LIFE!!!!

I got my ears pierced when I was 60 and they got badly infected.

When I get my hair done, I feel guilty for spending the money when I have so much debt.

Yet, I "donated"a six figure sum to scum bag casino owners, (I don't use that word lightly-these really are dodgy guys)

That portrays a very flawed personality . In other areas of my life I actually present as "normal"! LOL!

I do confess to spending money on "posh" clothes and shoes but as often as not, they are left in a wardrobe! I tell myself I will wear them when I lose weight. Another illusion.

I just thought, Monica, what would have happened if the posh shop next door had been a casino?

Would you have been tempted?

You obviously had access to quite a bit of dosh!

Thanks for the post Vera. I feel differently. Yes, I have huge debt but I do t let that overrule my objectives in recovery in feeling good about myself and doing whatever I can to achieve that. If anything, recent events have shown me how short life can be and I mean, as far as I can, to enjoy life. Facials are great, I had a lifting one lol. I do spend a bit too much on clothes yes, but I never feel like I have enough whichis quite mad. I also don’t restrict access to funds as the destitution for nine months has stYed with me, I remember that so I try not to waste money. If it were a casino, would I have gone in, no as I was an on line gambler at home alone usually. I find those shops in the street to be quite vile Tacky places. If it were a big posh casino, the answer would again be no. I wasn’t a public gambler...

Get the picture, Monica? Thanks for listening! And that's only the tip of the icebeg!

Yes I did get the picture Vera. It is a difficult situation. I would maybe have a talk with my son, but I do t think it would make any difference. My own son has watched me make a big mistake which I carried on with for years and I hve also watched him do same. All I can say I think is that sometimes the so called mistakes in life often lead us to our greatest discoveries and wisdom. Gambling did that for me or rather stopping gambling did that for me. Speak soon.

Hi Monica

So pleased u shopped in a posh shop .

In the past few weeks I have bought a lot of clothes - but all from Asda, Tesco and similar shops .

Maybe next month I will follow your example and get a facial!

See how u inspire me !

There are so many people dying young we should be grateful for every minute .

Well done on being assertive with your son- perhaps he will get to see the Pete you see when he lives with you. We all grow and change .

Like you the land based casino never tempts me (except when my mum asks me to go ) I can carry cash anywhere and it would never cross my mind to go in - it was always online for me so I get exactly what you mean- and I guess this just reinforces that one size doesn’t fit all.

Sorry I missed group - actually went out with my little family and had a lovley night !

All ok

Except my nerves!


Said a prAyer. Ty for letting me know!

Lovely to see you had a posh shop experience!

I think that's a lovely feeling, not that I do it very often and now I think about it im not sure ive done it at all!!! lol

My niece is doing pretty well. At the moment she needs no further surgery, just monitoring 6 monthly. But...….the cancer will come back. A ticking time bomb! Life is short!!!

Happy to read you are living as best you can and giving yourself a few treats here and there.

Take care, Love K xxx

On Sunday I slept late And missed a Sunday lunch invite. My son and his girlfriend came round and spent hours clearing the rest of the room. Many many Bags full. Stacked it all in exes for taking to the dump Monday. Took myherbs which really upset my stomach, pain and nausea. Woke up a few times in the night.

Felt yuck and guts triggered about once a week now. Really felt unwell but kept going. Ex rAng to say needed my I’d to get in the dump andas he hD a job to do would dump everything back outside my house. He rang just as I hadmajor pain in my guts. I said a prYer that this would not happen and it did t but so many annoying little things that just accumulate. Didn’t get paid as a system error. Missed my writing class for second time and just wondering really what is possible these days. A bit fed up all in all. I am fed up of my guts kicking off and feeling unwell. Sometimes things just don’t work out, too often for my liking sometimes.

On Sunday I slept late And missed a Sunday lunch invite. My son and his girlfriend came round and spent hours clearing the rest of the room. Many many Bags full. Stacked it all in exes for taking to the dump Monday. Took myherbs which really upset my stomach, pain and nausea. Woke up a few times in the night.

Felt yuck and guts triggered about once a week now. Really felt unwell but kept going. Ex rAng to say needed my I’d to get in the dump andas he hD a job to do would dump everything back outside my house. He rang just as I hadmajor pain in my guts. I said a prYer that this would not happen and it did t but so many annoying little things that just accumulate. Didn’t get paid as a system error. Missed my writing class for second time and just wondering really what is possible these days. A bit fed up all in all. I am fed up of my guts kicking off and feeling unwell. Sometimes things just don’t work out, too often for my liking sometimes.

Hi Monica, thanks for your post. I'm hanging out in chat for a bit, trying to get back to a normal routine. I had to put my dog down this week. She was my shadow and kept me company through some pretty down times. I've been dealing with some anxiety and depression with life so hectic lately. It is hard to deal with life when your body doesn't want to co operate. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be spoiled and pampered without a care in the world. That was never my lot it seems. I hope you are feeling a little better or maybe even a lot better! Well done on working through each day. Life sure is challenging. Keep at it! Laura

Yes, I agree, when the body won t cooperate it is hard. I’m not sure what to do anymore.

The big laugh I had was when my son saved the day and got all the trash bags down the dump. He had to separate thebags. And he said imagine his horror when there was a bag full of Anne summers things. I used to sell Anne summers things in the early noughties. He said he needed therapy after doing that. Bags full of vibrators and such like I used to hold as stock. I laughed rather hard, it was so funny.

I could only imagine.  My sons would be horrified.  lol  Sounds like you guys are really making progress.  Don't you wonder how a person managed to store so much stuff?  Tooooo funny

But surviving. Cough is very slowly clearing but a few side effects from the herbs which upset my stomach, not as bad as antibiotics though.

Thought I would look at a dating agency for a change and realised that all men my age or even 50 plus look ghastly so again as it has always been internet dating not my thing.

Pete came up tonight and bought me a new printer as mine had broke. Pete said that he isn’t ready to move on at all. I think I am but I did realise that I still love him even though I am fine with how things are. Unusual situation.

My son is moving in this weekend, all happening very quickly now.

Just keep going. Aware I have a need to have some fun.

My daughter visiting next week as her youngest is having to do a family tree for a school project, how exciting, and very relevant as we r all looking into that as a family at the moment,

All quiet on here. Very busy week. Working in a system under a huge amount of pressure. I would pack it all in except I got paid today and that always makes me think twice. Cough still there but much better. I am genuinely thinking of working part time and filing for bankruptcy when this job is over. It is all uphill with the debt situation and I still can’t pay any of it off.

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better! You know what will be good for you financially. I know many people who have filed for bankruptcy. Maybe it would be a relief for you. A burden off of your shoulders. Whatever choice you make, I'm sure it will be the best. Take care.

I'll be on in 10! I put a little post above for you. Look up :)

Hi Monica

Just been catching up on your thread !

I think u should try a different dating agency ! Go for it - life’s to short . There are many very handsome men out there !

Hope your stomach is better and your cough .

It is so hard to work when unwell so Fair play to you for persevering .

If you declare bankruptcy will you be able to work.

With the burden of debt gone and a half decent partitme job you could have a very nice life without too much stress.

Life is short Monica - offload as much burden as you can and say yes to every fun thing you can !

Ps so funny about your son sorting the bags at the dump .

Have slept a lot this weekend. Ventured out yesterday and got soaked waiting for buses for over an hour. All local buses seem to have stopped yesterday. Taking the herbs again as they seem to stop the cough which starts again as soon as I stop. My son Was a bit annoyed as I slept through his calls, he was wanting to come and paint. I told him to try and be kinder. I slept through all the groups. Work is difficult, people going off sick with stress and I am two people down. My sister asked for money again and I gave itwithout really saying anything. I think we are living in quite difficult times when we compare it to the past.

I think the ideal time for bankruptcy will be next year in April and I am aiming for that. I agree a part time job and a fresh start idi. But I am not counting out a miracle between now and then. I live in hope. Things not easy at the moment but keep on keeping on.

Sleep is probably what you needed! Work sounds stressful. Hopefully it will get better! It was kind of you to send your Sister money. Sometimes hope is all we have. We have to keep going!!!

I realised that the culture I work in is old fashioned and a bit hierarchical. I knew it was stepping backwards in time when I took the job and I have to wonder why. For the money that’s why! have been wracked with guilt for no good reason about saying to my bosses that I can’t relyon a colleague who strolls in very late and just tells me he is taking days off without asking, just taking and leaving me on my own. They have given me some extra support as I have been on my own when there is meant to be four people. Normally I wouldn’t rat on a colleague but I have been his boss before in another job and found him quite awkward then and I know he struggles,with me trying to get one up all the time. Not a team player at all. I don’t play games, I find them tedious. I still felt awful about,doing this as I wouldn’t normally take this action. I realised I had become over involved in trying to make things better in an environment that is less than. The office is very cold and I had to,wear a coat this week until someone lent me a fire today. I think that I need to become detached and less involved and wonder why I am putting up with it all. I have had to give up my writing,class, no additional energy for anything extra, but she is sending me the homework which I say I will pick,up,with when I hve the time and register for the next course, I am disappointed but I know that I have to change to a better work life balance when this job is over.

Monica, Your job sounds very draining! My main career which lasted for 28 years involved working with people who did very little, called in sick a lot and weren't team players. Everyone had to pick up their slack. Nothing much was done to them but they did get in trouble for the absences. It's very disheartening. How much time do you have left there? I must say the main thing I like about my job is that I only rely on myself. Sorry you had to give up your writing class. We only have so much energy. When this job is over you will find something with a better environment. Take care.

Just as busy at work and taking up all my time. Various frustrations and so busy left my lovely new scarf at a meeting. I got lost and neatly lost my ride for a meeting. I was just about to give up and pack it all in and just go home when it pulled up. Lost my Id badge as the lanyard was weak and broke. They want 20 quid for a replacement. What a bloody cheek. Things aren’t easy but I do feel helped on an invisible level and I give thanks for that.

Got a text from my sister to say doc called out for my mum who was in excruciating pain. The op that nearly killed her two years ago left her with a large hernia which is causing a lot of pain in her back coupled with her legs giving way which I think is some compression on her spinal cord due to severe spinal arthritis which she has had for years. My mum is super independent and still carries her shopping. So again send my sister money for petrol to travel down to her. 4 times in one month money to my sister. My sister had her physical and has been referred to the gym and told to stop drinking as her liver enzymes are out of whack, knew she would be confronted with this and the dangers of cirrhosis. She is taking this seriously and has cut down to one wine spritzer a day.

I am planning days off between now and Xmas. I have to cancel a hospital appointment for Monday as I have to be at work.

It’s just all go guys.

Sounds like you've had 2 days of hell regarding work! But you keep persevering! That's one of the qualities that I admire about you. Sorry to hear that your Mom is having health problems. A few days off would be good for you. I hope you have a good day!

Hi Monica

How annoying about your new scarf and yes those lanyards are not very strong at all. My one snapped quite quickly.

You poor mum- I know you are planning a trip for her to her homeland so I hope her health recovers soon. I can see where you get your drive from!

I admire your sister for cutting down her alcohol-it must be scary to realise that the decision to have those extra few drinks could potentially shorten your life . I have cut out alcohol - and it hasn’t impacted in any negative way.

Have you any nice plans for your days off ? I have said yes to a lot of social which is unlike me -but I guess that’s a good sign.

I hope your work is going well . In mine I have learned at last to stand up for myself and value myself even when others don’t - I like this new assertiveness , because even if I don’t get what I want I can feel satisfied with the efforts I made!

Hope to meet you in chat soon. Xx

Thanks idi. Well my weekends r spent resting up. Groups very quiet, just missed vera. Had deadlines on Friday so came home quite tired. Still struggling with the old fashioned culture at work and all its issues. I did have some urges from stress reaction but ignored them and they passed. The healthcare system is under so much strain. Went to see Chinese doc and he says I am still hoarse with remnants of the chest infection. He is right, of course, and gives me more herbs which have helped but half the dose due to its impact on the tum.

Saturday was a beautiful sunny day. I did a bit of shopping and finally bought some magnesium. I had a dream that I needed magnesium and acupuncture so I have fixed fortnightly acupuncture. Don’t like it hence not weekly but it does help. Had a choice between wimpy and healthy vegan. Chose the vegan for a change for a vegan burger. It was yuck, the meat and cheese substitutes taste nasty. The thick green shake with wheatgrass is very good. Wheatgrass is a great help to the immune system. Fell asleep early. Much colder again today so going shopping for boots and shoes. I live in sandals and have t yet given them up but the weather is turning cooler. My sister texts to say has stopped alcohol and 8s going to my mums next weekend to help with shopping. She wont tell me but I think she got a big wake up call in her recent tests. She used to drink daily. She thinks my mums hips are causing the legs to give way but I am not so sure but keeping an open mind on it. Don’t mind bring alone this weekend. I quite like it as I rest up better alone.

The health system here has a lot to be desired. I believe in alternatives to regular medicine. Doctors here just want to hand out pills. My Grandmother used her own treatments for common illnesses and I still use them. I have all kinds of herbal teas which I use to calm my nerves, upset stomach, ect. I've been semi vegan, I eat fish, for over a year now. I usually make my own food, as some of the prepared vegan foods are yucky and bland. Sometimes being alone isn't bad. In fact I think it's good. A lot of people can't function without someone by their side. Hope you have a pleasant work week. Take care.

Hi Monica,

have a few minutes free while I have my coffee this morning. Maddening to lose a favourite scarf. I lost mine while shopping in a bargain store. I called later to see if it turned up but they happen to sell scarves in this bargain store (one of many items) so I figure someone got a great steal on my most favourite treasured scarf. So I say a prayer to bless whoever found it and hope it was meant for them. Sometimes that's how things work I like to believe.

Magnesium is a basic requirement for all cells as I'm sure you are aware. I get quite tired if I don't take mine for a few days.

Keep taking care of yourself in any way you can. Lots of rest. Glad you made it through those urges. Feelings can pile up so make use of your contacts.

Looking forward to a good catch up!


Hi Monica I notice I have just missed you and others in few groups recently - they are definitely so much quieter but they are very late for those of us who have work next day .

It’s good that your sister has stopped drinking - better for her health and better for her wallet ! Is this the sister who borrows from you ? This might help with that also .

I hope your mum gets her legs sorted whatever the cause - it sounds like she is maybe a little resistant to visiting the doctor.

Magnesium is good - the old adage “we can get everything we need from our food “ is now being recognised as no longer true thanks to Morden farming methods stripping soils of nutrients . Like in the old sci fi movies , we will eventually be taking small tablets instead of food !

I hope work is bearable despite the culture . I’m not sure why but I waken with anxiety every day now - I would love to retire but of course have made that impossible for many years .

It’s so nice to read your post - I have somehow my mojo with posting . Take care xx

Yes, I have also made retirement impossible right now idi. I slept all day today but needed it as work as hectic as ever. I am working in an overstretched system that is just full of problems. Treated myself to a restaurant gourmet burger last night as finished work late. It is the small things sometimes. The sleep has done me good as the tired hangover I feel daily has gone. Still tune in to scripture every morning and it keeps me going. My sister still asking for money and I give her a bit. She says can’t manage on her earnings and I know this is true in the U.K. today. People work hard and don’t earn enough to pay bills. She is visiting my mum tomorrow as my mum can’t do her shopping right now. Everything is what it is.

Funniest part of the week was walking into a building and security asking me why my bag was smoking, I had accidentally left a smouldering cigarette and my bag was catching fire. Oops.

Have requested 3 days off between now and Xmas, there needs to be a better work life balance. It isn’t as if I am earning my usual pay but enough for a comfortable living. I have been sucked into all the problems at work, it is very chaotic. I would usually be looking for a way out by now and I wonder what the learning is here.

I appreciate having a job but long hours leave little time for anything else. I haven’t used support cos too tired. But working is better than benefits and poverty. That is enough motivation to keep going right now. No major urges but I do need to,pick up support. Neatly 14 months gf now.

I'm sure you needed the rest as you have long work days with the traveling back and forth. OMG! Your bag was smouldering!!! LOL! Hope your weekend is great. Off to do my Saturday cleaning. Congrats on your 14 months GF! Way to go! There's hope for me!

Thumbs Up! Good Job! Keep It Up! 14 months gamble free days.

I only have 4 gamble free days now, and you have become a good role model for me. 

You continue to soldier on despite hard times and suffering. This is highly respectable!

Hahahahaaaaaaa had a good laugh. You could have told them you were smoking hot! That's why you were smoking entering the building. Too funny.

Work sounds like it will be hectic and busy til the end of contract. So please do treat yourself to lots of little things to make it feel not such a punishment.

14 months is such an amazing accomplishment! You did it. And I'm sure sometimes you must wonder how you made it through. Keep going Monica! Imagine where another 14 months could take you? Keep an open mind!

I know I've been slack in my support again lately. I tend to need periods of "down" time or I don't take care of my own personal tasks and situation. A lot going on since we last spoke but won't put all my details in my thread. Keep the faith Monica, you are well on the path out of the darkness of this addiction. xo take care friend Laura 

Great to hear from you all.

Pete popped round Sunday eve and helped with some chores. Was so pleased to see him.

I read all your threads daily even if I don’t post.

Work busy as ever but I have next Monday off and two days end November. Rah! Working in such a challenged place I am in fact learning new things albeit I have way too much to do. Letters lay unopened again and will open them soon.

My mum had another fall yesterday and it is her hip giving way.

So sorry to hear about your mum's fall! It is hard to watch our loved ones get older. Not to mention ourselves! Hanging out chatting at the moment but connectivity seems to be an issue. Hopefully we can all connect on the weekend. Laura

But felt on top of things today in the madhouse where I work. Pete came round this evening and he cleaned my house. Does such a good job for which I give him 20 quid and dinner.

My son rang to say he had a row with mum of his 1st child and she decided vindictively to take him to the child support agency when he supports all his children financially and always has done. She wants it backdated many years. I have always been very fond of her but some behaviours lately I am pretty disgusted by.

Pete said he still loves me before he left and I said same. He said bye gorgeous. He never says that. I cheer up when we see each other. What a strange situation.

Just got out of chat and seen your update. A clean house is always a pleasure and one you don't have to do yourself can be even more so. I was working on a spare room today. It felt good to walk into the room and smell clean. Your situation may be a bit strange but then in this world there are all kinds of relationships. Whatever it is or isn't take it slow. Have a good rest of week. Happy Hump day.


Not the best of days today. Really struggling with the chap at work who told his replacement who has only just started how much he doesn’t like me. Terrible thing to say to someone who has just started who is also struggling with him.

Cos I can see straight through his manipulation and I have had to report when he comes in and goes home early today 4 hours early and listens to podcasts when he should be working. Hard sharing an office with him.

My constant ga lady friend invited me to meet two new female members early in recovery for coffee and attend a meeting. She has been the one constant in my recovery and rings every few weeks. I found out my sponsor when I first went to GA who I had problems with and the intensity of the steps and his counsel was gambling the entire time he was leading meetings and sponsoring people and has now left the fellowship. It was somewhat of a relief to find this out but also to get an idea of how tricky it can be when we are in a vulnerable place. Which is why I like gma so much. The meeting was ok and we will meet up again in two weeks time. So I am surrendering all of the crap I encounter to my higher power.

Try not to let the man at work get you down! He is rude! Why are there so many rude people in this world? He knows that you've got his number and how he really is! He's just deflecting his short comings onto you. Disgusting man!!! Also, I say follow your heart with Pete. My Husband and I were together for 31 years, second marragues for both. We separated and were divorced for 5 years. We stayed friends and remarried. We stayed that way till his death. People didn't understand why we would remarry. I'd get unwanted comments all the time. In fact, I was engaged during our separation but called it off as I knew that I still loved my ex. He was my soulmate and we were always pulled towards each other. Your heart knows!! Your GA friend sounds great. It's good to have support. Hope your weekend is great! Take care.

Thanks for the lovely supportive post. I worked from home today as had a lot of deadlines and didn’t want to sit i an emotionally charged space to do it. Yesterday my colleague just walked out and left the new person on their own. His mum has had heart surgery so I know it is a difficult time for him but I also know that something else is going on. Aside from him disliking me and telling everyone. And you know what it reminded me of when I was gambling when everything falls apart at work as his work output hasn’t been good. I suspect that something similar is going on. And then it all kicked off at work over an issue he has been dealing with for months going round and round in circles. He got a complete drubbing for his advice and I had to take it over and intervene. He then resigned 12 days earlier than when he was leaving. I wrote to my bosses and said I have suggested he take time out as he needs it for his mum but I told the truth about the nonsense that is going on and said it would be better if he did leave as it is too disruptive to everything and he isn’t doing anything he is asked to do. I so tried to do the right thing here and it is really difficult. Having to work this weekend. I am doing my best which is all I can do. If not good enough well I did my very best.

Working from home sounds like a great solution for you at the moment. You don't need the added stress!!!!!

Hope your mum is on the mend. Its been 8 months now since I lost my mum and I still talk to her everyday. Even though I KNOW she is gone, part of me feels like it was all just a bad dream!

Anyways, hope you get all your work done and have a little time to spend on yourself this weekend.

Love K xx

Today I learned some profound spiritual truths and felt them and I would like to share them. I awoke feeling an internal battle, the external battle being a reflection of the internal one and vice versa. I did nothing for hours which is my stress response, to try and get still. and missed my acupuncture appointment but then went out, got some manuka honey and went to a nice restaurant for,lunch.

Even though I was feeling it, I was being good to myself, and that felt better. If you read my thread you will see I asked why am I at that place of work? And now I know.

God knows I only work only for good bosses and my two bosses are good people. God my higher power is asking me to step up. Sometimes us women have to be a warrior and we sometimes have to do things for the greater good. Sometimes God puts us in places to be a tool for others learning and I saw all this mans issues and they r a bit murky... he can’t abide women in authority because his wife who divorced him is doing better than him and runs rings around him. So as liz says, he transfers his issues on to me. I remember his smug grin when he thought he had the better of me. It was like the devil grinning at me, well not literally but equally ewwwwww. I gave him a way out and he resigned, even though I knew he was lying. Maybe I should not have done that but I did.

The things that used to have me running to the tables like constantly being asked for money no longer do. There is an end to that and my sister said it would be the last time. I said to get herself straight and look at next March to see if she is in any position to pay back. Her car loan stops this month and that should help her.

I also learned yet again for the umpteenth time that GA is for men, not women. The new lady members, one of them said that she didn’t feel safe with all the men and felt some anger and hatred. The first three steps are great, and work. The steps of character defects, whilst we all have them, are not for women. Many of these women have been hurt through the actions of men, their self esteem needs building not taking down. Me for example, there would be virtually no one to make amends to, it was something I did to myself with my money. So I need to make amends to me and also probably the kids for gambling away most of my money. I am on a spiritual programme and Jesus and God are my Father and higher power. I am not perfect and know it, and god knows it but I lean on him for strength and resilience plus wisdom.


I am kinda at a loss for words but I will try .

That was such a powerful post - I wonder why I didn’t see it earlier.

I am thinking when you described this man we all know someone like him- in my case it’s a woman who cannnot stand that I manage her ! I wonder what makes these people so damaged -but yes I believe you were there for him to learn . He has leavened that women are strong , decisive and deserving of respect - and will settle for nothing less than respect . That is a good lesson .

Never a lender or a borrower be ! Money is the root of all evil - so many relationships are destroyed by money so well done on handling the situation with your sister so openly .

I felt that GA is for men also . I have tried to explain that I felt frightened with so many men there - I have tried to explain that I felt scared walking to my car alone afterwards but would be more scared if one of the men accompanied me. It is just how I am and you have just explained perfectly that Others feel the same - i keep being offered the same advice like “get back to GA”, and “follow the steps “ which to be honest I cant identify with. I also find most of the GA cliches annoying, totally unhelpful and completely outdated , but respect those who find it helpful .

So Monica , you post feels so inspired on so many levels .

Was lovely to see u in chat


Thank u for your post. I always love reading your posts because they r so insightful. Yes, it was one of those times when you just get something this morning in quite a deep way. We feel exactly the same about GA. I find if we ask the questions we often receive answers.

Monica, My first GA meeting was 97 percent men. I was immediately put on the spot and asked to read from the handbook and was grilled by the man running it. At break, I was smoking at the time, 1 of the 3 women there suggested I find another group. They had been there a long time and this was a tuff group to handle. I got in my car and tore out of there. And my quest to find a group started. After many, I can honestly say that none have grabbed my attention. The last one I attended in the city was ok. No ties were formed. Very disappointing!

Well last Sunday kept getting kicked out of group cos sometimes my wi fi just keeps cutting out. So irritating. Monday I had off and spent the day with an intense 28 hour episode of ibs, which was my stress response. Tuesday I found my bosses 100 per cent supportive. It may have been a victory but I didn’t feel it. I appreciated the support a lot and this chap has upset other women who r coming out of the woodwork. He just cuts them off like he did to me. But I did get my hair cut and coloured in between cramps on the Monday.

My friend with cancer rang. All the alternative treatments, the obnoxious healer costing thousands and the cancer is now 12 cms. She has been referred to the marsden. She still doesn’t want chemo just surgery and radiotherapy. Guys refused to treat her because of her refusal to do chemo. She eats 100 per cent fresh and organic. I get that so much cos I also could not do chemo. I,have decided if she gets refused I will do a petition.

Thursday evening I go to a work quiz night and have a lot of fun. I am incredibly competitive well as much as one can be at a certain age and quizzes bring it out.

Friday evening I am very tired, do group but can’t sleep, not cos the brain keeps going but I just ache all over and wonder if I am going down with something yet again. Work and it’s stresses and busyness takes it out of me. I have a few urges but stop them in their tracks. I have been approached about doing another job as soon as this one ends. I was planning on going on holiday to the caribbean as a statement on my recovery. But now I am not sure.

Saturday I go for a manicure and massage and acupuncture and I feel much much better. We have to consciously do things to get the stress out of our bodies and just relax. My sister asks for money again saying this time is the last time.

Hi Monica , really well done on standing up to this fella - yes you had the support of your boss but you are the person who took action - you managed the situation!

I’m sorry your IBS flaired up again - I am thinking if it is often a stress response could u take a relaxing supplement like l- theanine during times of stress - could that possibly help ?

The quiz sounds like to was good fun- you have to get competitive - makes it interesting !

I am not surprised you feel tired - you have a full time job and the travel is like another half-job in itself - added toth fact you have not been feeling the best . Once again the unsinkable Mrs Brown comes to mind - nothing can keep you down and you even went out and socialised on top of all that !

You seem to be developing a good balance between relaxation and work activities. You are really working recovery in an inspirational way .


Really proud of you Monica. I'm in group but no one around this evening. Wish you a peaceful week in work. Great getting out and having a laugh. I was out Friday evening having a rare good night. Work is taking a bit out of me but I'm managing. The other job opportunity wouldn't wait a week and let you have a vacation? IBS flare ups are awful. I haven't had one in years thankfully or not like I used to have anyway. Keep taking care of your self. I find financial pressures are piling up a little. Gave me urges. I caved in. Just being stupid. I know better. I refuse to let this turn into a full blow relapse. I Miss catching up with the girls. Take care xo

Mild Ibs in morning. So weird, I always know it’s coming as I get strange tingles down my side. Worked from 9 to 6. Day so busy it goes quickly. Thinking about Laura today.

Pete rang this evening, popping round tomorrow. My mood improves a notch, not that it is bad, I am Ok, just fed up with ibs.

Everything happening at once. As soon as I give spare keys to pete my son calls and asks for the keys. They both always call at the same time and this isn’t a coincidence. Nothing for ages and both at the same time. I get phone calls during the day and in evening when normally it is all quiet.

I am staying in top of things, just.

HI Monica thanks for your post on my journal i needed it. Reading your posts you keep yourself busy with i think is a great thing to do in our recovery.

Hi Monica -

That is strange that they always arrive together. I wonder why this happens ?

Hope all is good with you and that work is going well.

Maybe we will get a catch up in group over weekends.


Hard work again with lots of meetings, and difficult issues. resting up over the weekend. My son didn’t collect the keys, just said using same excuse as you, too tired from work in evening. Pete cleaned the house and we said we would go,out one night and shoot some pool,which we did a lot,when we first started going out. I had a misspent youth for about a year and am quite good at pool, and often beat him.

Xmas coming soon. I am very mindful that nearly one year ago on December 7th I went to the doctor, 4 months in recovery, sick and depressed I said I wanted to commit suicide. Xmas I had no presents for anyone which had never happened. I still have huge debt and the gut condition which isn’t as bad as it was then but I have a good balance in my bank account, am working, which I couldn’t do then, and back at my usual level in the workplace. I didn’t lose my home which was under threat and two committal to prison proceedings for non payment of council tax were dropped after I explained what was going on. My son is moving in to my flat. I had a holiday, albeit not s very good one in July and most important of all, I regained my faith hugely and in s different way to before, this is what gets me through things. So recovery can happen from the worst pit that gambling can put us in.

I did two groups yesterday and have been on the forum quite a lot as need to keep the momentum up.

One lesson I have learned in life is that many times I have reached situations where I think, well this is the end, and it hasn’t been. We can go on on faith and live a good life, no matter how old we were when we stopped gambling.

they never fail to open up my eyes in wonder.

there is so much we can learn from you.

Monica , your life has transformed in a year .

It is so good to read such a positive post.

I am afraid I have lost momentum with the site

I feel you are a great example for others Monica- to motivate us to turn our lives around . It can be done at any age - too often I find myself thinking about what could hve been - the future seems to huge - the problems I have created for the future seems too huge. I guess whatever our earning power we can tackle them .

I didn’t realise the council tax situation has been resolved - that is such a relief- I do believe God will restore everything the thief has taken. There are so many bible verses on restoration and I know your trust and commitment to God and living a Christian life is playing a major part in your recovery.

I hope to catch up in chat over the weekend .


Hard day at work again and had tummy pain all day. Realised the herbs help the ibs but not my stomach, make that a lot worse. Back to the drawing board. My son picked up the keys tonight and is coming to paint tomorrow.

I am so glad I don’t gamble!

Lost one earring, just fell out of my ear. Expensive Swarovski earrings. Feel annoyed that so busy that I am losing things. Second thing I lost. And a jumper I bought has a big hole in it. I find these things darn Irriating. Was on own today and yesterday at work. Both my colleagues off with this chest infection that’s going round. If I had t been so busy it would simply not have happened. Better work life balance is a must do.

Hi Monica

Thank you for your posts on my thread .

I can sense your frustration at being so busy - it is so difficult to get a proper work - life balance, especially when you hve a lot of travel every day .

If you were catholic I would tell you to pray to st Anthony and I would guarantee that your earring will turn up - as you are not I will. Pray to him for you ! Lol.

Perhaps the herbs have stopped you getting that chest infection?

Keep strong - enjoy having your son move in xx

Hopefully you can resolve your tummy issues. It's so hard to work when you're short handed plus not feeling well. You have really come so far and have been a good example that we can all persevere. I hate it when I lose something and It's usually a earring that I love. Maybe it will turn up. That's great that your Son is painting and getting his space ready for his move in. Have a great day tomorrow.

Well when my son came round for the keys the first thing I said to him was that in the next three years I would like him to buy a house. I could not do this for myself but I will do my best to help him to do this for his family. Yesterday I had quite an energised day and today exact opposite! It is cold. My mood dropped last night when I get a text from my friend with cancer to say that refused treatment unless has chemo. I am appalled by this and spend the night looking up treatment options. I am very concerned about her as I know she could not tolerate chemo but in the meantime the tumour is not going away. I dwell on this today and find I totally forget about a meeting at work and I am called to go and attend with my boss saying it was unlike me as I was always on time. I find it is playing on my mind quite a lot. I pray for her and must keep acknowledging that God is in control of everything. But she has t answered my texts which makes me worry about her. I have to stop worrying. It doesn’t get us anywhere.

I find myself on here talked about as an inspiration, I do not feel that at all. I am someone who went so far down the tubes with gambling that the only option was to stop and live! To find God, my higher power and to really feel that working in my life. The relationship is one with a living God. I want that in my life each and every day. In God is my strength and resilience.


I think it’s so important for people who are “making it” to keep writing on here - we never know who we will inspire. You inspire me - a year ago could you have imagined talking about helping your son to buy a house ?

I’m sorry to read about your friend - the options feel treating cancer are not very nice. I hope she finds a treatment which will work for her.

I hope the meeting went well regardless - it strikes me as very positive that your boss recognised to forget is unlike you .

Hope you have a lovely weekend xx

Hope to talk to you in chat as I have something to share that I will not write on my journal. There is a book called healing the soul of a woman by Joyce Meyer. I have been meaning to get it for weeks and will buy it in the next week or two. I feel that women have certain lessons in life that are unique to their gender. In my early life up to my early thirties I felt that I was nothing without the man in my life and my ex did everything to support this view and actually believed it. Getting older has shown me that we and God r all we need.

Today I went for a radio frequency facial. Supposed to stimulate collagen and I certainly feel a lot smoother in the face. Could tell str8 away. My weekends r filled with things to rejuvenate and look after myself. Hugged the therapist at the end of it.

Went for acupuncture and we have agreed to knock the herbs out for now owing to the stomach pain. Cough has gone and herbs help the ibs but make stomach far worse. Relaxed during acupuncture and almost fell asleep. Did my food shopping in m and s and home.

My back went a bit when I climbed off the acupuncture table and aches a bit now. I keep having memories of a slot game I used to play, old Mac Donald’s farm where the top win was on a horse and I keep replaying it in my head when it came up for me. Hmmmmm... don’t like getting urges. I can only be grateful that I am excluded from all sites that has the game.

Dear Monica,

You are an inspiration to many!

Psalm 69:6

Everyone is like a pot that carries life.

But not everyone carries a presence that blesses others.

Religion tries to force people to follow laws to make them perfect, like pots without cracks. But if a light is put within a flawless pot and then covered, no one can see the light inside the pot. Perfect pots are not able to reveal internal light to illumine the way for others.

God choose to shine through imperfect, cracked pots. People are blessed when their cracked pot let the light of God shine through into other cracked pots.

Choose to be a glory filled, cracked pot rather than an empty, pretty vessel.

Ty, for some reason this has really helped!

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.

These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.

Beautiful people do not just happen.”

― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Hi Monica

I am blown away by Kin’s beautiful words .

I don’t know what a radio frequency facial is but I want one !

Urges have nowhere to go when we have taken action to protect ourselves .

I have got my phone locked down at last - finding my thread so helpful now.

Thank you for a wonderful and beautiful “cracked pot”.


Hi Monica,

happy to hear that your weekends are about taking care of yourself and rejuvenation. You deserve to feel healthy and whole.

I too felt I had fallen hard and fast and had no other choice but to stop gambling and start living or die. For a long time that keeps the urges away. But eventually the fear and destitution fades and those urges can try and pop back up. Keep changing the channel in your mind when those old visions try to come to roost. Kick old Mcdonald in the @ss.

Kin has a beautiful way of saying what we need to hear and sharing the inspiration of god and others. Honestly I think most "perfect" people are hollow shells. Then there are those who are inspirational. Some have been blessed with a smooth road and others such a rocky one but they still end up growing and being a living inspiration.

Sorry we haven't connected over the weekend. I've been resting and sleeping a lot. Recovering from working all week. I'm not sure yet if I'll be on for the 10pm group your time. I may try and get out to visit friends I've been missing while trying to adjust to working again.

Keep up the self care! Your work schedule is gruelling and you need to take care of yourself so I'm really glad to hear that you are making progress in how you are feeling. Stress is such a contributing factor to IBS. Hopefully stress will start to settle a little now that problem guy is gone.

Had a great couple of chat sessions this weekend and connected with IDI. I'm thrilled with her blocking again. I have stayed away other than those two blips. It honestly felt pointless. Like there was really going to be NO UPSIDE from it. Recovery feels more natural to me. So you never have to find out for yourself. Just take it from me.

Have a good week Monica and thanks for thinking of me. I am managing. I'm a tough bird. Can't keep a good woman down :) take care xo

Such lovely words kin. I too am blown away by them. Today I slept all day till 5pm. Acupuncture always makes me sleepy to be energised a couple of days later. I awake to find texts from my son and my friend. She is feeling a lot better having been to a Health farm and had a mini romantic encounter there. She feels like miracles are possible. I say I am praying for a treatment option for her. I think to myself you cant just leave it but cannot persuade her to do something she doesn’t want to do.

My son has some time off from work and is moving his things in this week. He has an opportunity to go to the Bahamas, Nassau via Florida with a friend who has won an all inclusive poker package for a 10 million tournament. I say I won’t support gambling. He says he won’t be gambling just that room and breakfast will be free. And that as it his birthday this week, could I contribute. I agree as this is a wonderful opportunity for him to get some r and r. I say to use some of the money I gave him to keep for me. Hurrah, he still has it! The timing is perfect for him. So I agree. Is that wrong? I don’t know.

Pulled something in my back yesterday and it is aching today. Couldn’t find anything in the local shop but rummaged through my drug cupboard and found a heat patch. Usually, it never fails to amaze me that I usually can’t find one useful thing in my pharmacy cupboard!

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the LORD has promised to those who love him.

Hi Monica

Hope your back is much better - how is your skin now after the facial? Do you notice a difference ?

Hope work is going well.

Talk soon xx

Yes, my skin is ok after the facial. More noticeable in first 24 hours, a bit like putting an iron to the face ie smoothing the creases out. I am using huh dose ibuprofen which has really helped the back.

Today busy day as per usual but the replacement chap for the other person bought me a card and chocs to say ty as I agreed to him taking study leave to finish his degree, I didn’t have to but did. What a nice way to start the day.

I am looking up alternative cures for the stomach as have to bite the bullet. Expensive herbal tea which I will have to get. Aside from that, am Ok, days go quickly.

Didn’t sleep well so,woke up, rushed out and locked myself and my phone out. Tube strikes so everything over crowded. Was firefighting all day over one complex issue that cropped up this morning and required resolution by the end of the day. Took all day and was very draining.

Went to my sons on way home to get the keys to let myself in. My ex drove me home but not before his girlfriend said she thought I was 50 and that I looked far younger than my years. There u r I did it the facial took 11 years off me!

Glad to see Trump lost the house of reps.

Didn’t sleep well so,woke up, rushed out and locked myself and my phone out. Tube strikes so everything over crowded. Was firefighting all day over one complex issue that cropped up this morning and required resolution by the end of the day. Took all day and was very draining.

Went to my sons on way home to get the keys to let myself in. My ex drove me home but not before his girlfriend said she thought I was 50 and that I looked far younger than my years. There u r I did it the facial took 11 years off me!

Glad to see Trump lost the house of reps.

Hi Monica

I have to have one of those facials !!

It was worth locking your keys out to get a compliment like that .

I look 11 years older.

Still gamble free - thank you for all your non-judgemental support . Looking forward to Christmas for once xx

Wednesday night I lost my remote so no scripture in the morning and missed it. Tv doesn’t turn on without the remote. Finally found it Thursday night after turning my room upside down. My duvet had eaten it along with a lighter stuck in a corner.

My son moved in today and goes to the Bahamas shortly. I now have a tumble dryer and soon a dishwasher which he brought into the house. He said something amazing after going out to see a friend, he said to him that he would have never considered moving in with me but his mum is in a really good place, and he already feels happier. I told him it was recovery and Jesus. He said he doesn’t believe but I should not be shy to admit that it is Jesus that gives me strength and resilience. I said that it changes us from the inside out, because it really does. That is so good to hear from him. Of all my children, he has held some views of me from my addictive behaviour many years ago and I can see that this is now changed. How absolutely amazing is that?

Hi Monica

Yes that’s amazing and wonderful- for all of us , our ultimate aim after stopping gambling is to change ourselves - for your son to recognise the change in you is really fabulous - and he is right- you are in a good place.

I hope you are so happy living with your son. How lovely that he encourages you in your faith - life is turning out good Monica - and you deserve it .

Is it really that long since I last posted?

Not much to say aside from keepin trucking on. My GA girlfriend is having a get together of women in mid December and I agree to the invite. I feel called to do something along these lines.

This time last year I was broke and Unwell, unable to work with a repossession order on my home. On my birthday. Y son took me out for dinner and paid for a cut and colour. I had nothing and on the 7th December went to my gp, 4 months in recovery and said I wanted to commit suicide. My choices had led to this.

My choice to surrender to Jesus has led to recovery, working full time now, still a long way to go, re debts, but happier 100 per cent.

You've come a long way since a year ago! Your persistence has really inspired me! There will always be obstacles in our way but you've taught me that if we have faith we can face anything. Thanks.

ok all caught up! Love the ex's girlfriend complimenting you! I'm happy to know you look good on the outside (an outward sign that things are better inward)! Love your son's comments about his mom. Also great to hear you are doing good inside out. What an amazing difference a year has made. Yes work is tough but at least you can handle it! Your wits have come back and you've made it through the crisis and come a long way out the other side. The days have added up to something beautiful. Enjoy the perks of having your son move in. So proud of you Monica. You make me want to be really strong. Thanks for the inspiration. Keep doing what you are doing. xo Laura

Lovely posts. My iPad has been broken and won’t charge since Sunday. It has just charged now a few per cent hence posting. Havent been able to do group but will try some point this week.

Hi Monica

I haven’t been able to access groups but seems to be sorted now .

Lovely to read your now and then ... I am so happy to read about your happiness .

Thank you for your support - even during the darker days you were here for everyone else .


Have read everyone's posts this morning. Long week again and worked till 9pm last night getting home at 10.30pm. Too many deadlines and speaking to my bosses about it.

Well, my sons schedules and mine from when he came home on Monday didn’t meet up till Thursday. He has no work now till January so is home most of the time. Pete rang me to say he would pop over and I said he couldn’t as my son was home. It isn’t easy living with someone else. Pete and I had a settled routine when we lived together and we didn’t often clash at all over many years except when he found my depression difficult when I stayed in bed when destitute and in the first few months of recovery.

In myself I am stillok. Thursday when I came home my sons girlfriend had cleaned the kitchen and moved everything around. It irritated me slightly but she had cooked a wonderful meal. My washing stand thing thing had been moved and is sitting in the middle of the front room. Last night when I came home after a very long day very late looking forward to some flap jacks, found they had all been eaten so I went without my treat. My son was gambling poker on line and popped in when he lost his wi fi. He texted me to say hope u r not gambling when I was on my iPad. I texted back to say it was him that was gambling not me and I would sooner not know and that he should respect recovery a bit more. A lot of non CGs who gamble don’t understand recovery.

Well this week a new job has come up with an old boss friend of mine which is my usual much higher rate of pay. My current work have extended me another six months as the perm person pulled out as she got a promotion, In view of the distance I travel one of these days can be from home which is perfect. Dilemma. I have been sucked into the dysfunction and multiple problems of where I work which is systemic. I have got very involved. Leaving them would cause them a lot of problems and this is a dilemma for me. As soon as I got off the phone aboutntheother job my boss said she was pleased I would be staying and my agency fed back that the review I had had was very positive.

I am feeling a little tired but am Ok. Wondering how things will develop with my son. We haven’t lived together since he was about 17 which is twenty years. So,I guess we getting to know each other. His girlfriend has been staying and the walls are very thin here. I think it may be difficult for him too living with me as I express it when I am annoyed not in an angry way just a matter of fact t way. In recovery we cannot hide or repress how we feel, we just don’t let the emotions dominate how we feel and act.

Hi Monica,

Yes living with your son must be a huge change. You have dilemma about which job to take- ask yourself which post makes you feel most valued - the one with the higher pay or the one with the great feedback? The one with the higher pay will also likely become comfortable and bring great feedback with time. I hope to catch you in chat as so much stuff is coming into my head about this. I am out tonight so perhaps tomorrow,

Monica I hope you don't mind my saying but it sounds a little uneven that your son's girlfriend can be there as often as he chooses but Pete must visit only when your son is out.

You deserve to have company whenever you wish, and anyone you choose regardless of how others feel. It is not always easy to meet people we are really comfortable with.

My phone no longer allows me to go to the journal part of the site but when i can i catch up on my son's laptop. I am currently gamble free thanks to my barriers so I guess it's worth missing out on some things.


Doesn’t want to talk and pushes what I am saying away as he thinks I am moaning at him and can’t deal with it. I stop him in his tracks and we discuss emotional intelligence about explaining how we feel in a non emotional way. He gets it. He is only in the next room but rings me three times to talk breakfast which he is getting from a cafe as a phone takeaway. This makes me smile.

And makes me coffee. He sings to himself making it...

Thanks for your post which I missed just now. Pete understands as do I about why this is and it really is better they are kept apart. I would like it to be different but it isn’t and all sides get why this is. It isn’t like I wasn’t orepared or didn’t expect this, my so. Ask me to sort out getting the central heating on as it reminds him of Doug, my exes house which is very cold. I haven’t had central heating for years now as it upsets my system but I don’t have the heater on today and it doesn’t feel cold.

Hope to catch u in chat tomorrow idi.

For myself, I've found it difficult to have my Daughters living with me as adults. I would do it if necessary though. I hope it all works out with your Son living with you. Maybe I'm just too set in my ways! LOL! I know you feel a duty with your current job but would you be happier with the new job offer? Decisions. Have a good day! Take care.

Yes, we had our first row yesterday but we made it up by text when I was on my way out to acupuncture and reached a mutual understanding. We are both aiming to have peace in our environment so found an on the same page moment. I said that simply things need to be discussed before they start shifting around my home. I couldn’t find quite a few things yesterday and it was somewhat irritating. I realised my son isn’t feeling 100 per cent and needs some tlc which always gets my mothering nature coming out.

All buses on divert yesterday as a second big sinkhole appeared down the road.

Yesterday evening I was having hours of extra heartbeats which have calmed down today after taking magnesium. I dreamt a few months ago that I needed acupuncture and magnesium, bought the magnesium, and as is my nature left it sitting on the shelf. Took some and things much calmer today.

Is my birthday. And my son bought me breakfast this morning. Last night I went to see Tamla Motown the musical which was good, not great but good. Being in the secon d row meant I could see that half of it was lip-synched which takes away a bit from live theatre. But none of that mattered really. Pete is always late for stuff and was three quarters of an hour late. But armed with a card and presents, chocs and bath stuff. We celebrated in true style afterwards when he bought me a Mac Donald’s. But is was all good.

Last year on my birthday I was destitute and it was ten days before I went to my gp to say I was suicidal on December 7th. I remember it so clearly because I was stopped by a Jehovah’s Witness on the way. My son made my last birthday good though by paying for a cut and colour and dinner in the local posh restaurant.

This year I paid for the tickets to Tamla Motown, I am working, my gut Health has improved but not better yet. No inroads into debt yet but I tackled one small debt yesterday and found as I had thought that it wasn’t a debt. They had made a mistake. So that is 0.0000001of what I owe. It is slow but steady progress one day at a time. I am going to enjoy my day. My mums card still hasn’t arrived and I know she is fretting about that as it had money in it but something is awry with the post in my house. I think there are light fingers. I have gratitude for being in a much better place than last year. It is called recovery and I am grateful for it.

Happy Birthday Monica! Very proud of you. You are doing Great!! I can’t even imagine how it must feel to have so much gamble free time behind you..... I seem to make it 30, 60 sometimes 90 and than blow it. I am not going to worry about messing up again. Just taking it a day at a time. (Easier said than done) it’s only been 12 days. Since than things are already better. Some days I think “what I will do different” some days I don’t think at all. It is crazy how One minute I think “I will get 1/2 my money from tre last time back and than quit. And the next I think “don’t bother, it will never end win or loose”. In any case.... not going to gamble today.

Happy birthday! I hope your day is full of wonderful things. You deserve it!!!

Wishing you good health, wisdom, freedom, peace and joy always!

I am just chilling out today. My son bought me a box with Cartier on it and turns out it is Cartier playing cards obtained in the Bahamas. He has bought me some headphones so I don’t play my games out loud. Had a long chat with my mum on phone.

My son and his girlfriend asked me what I like to eat and I mentioned that I loved cauliflower cheese soup and they are now making it. This is great, lazing around getting fed my favourite things and just signed up to another six months in the current job. I have decided, challenging though it is to stick with it.

Who knows,I may be able to start addressing the large debt situation or not. I have until April to decide on bankruptcy or not. Hopefully, not.

From about thirty odd birthday on messages Facebook each year I now have five from friends, which reflects that I rarely use Facebook any more. My ex from when I was 19 who broke my heart and found each other again on Facebook a few years ago, always wishes me a happy birthday.

Happy Birthday Monica,

It sounds like you are having a lovely time .

I find myself very impressed that anyone would know how to make cauliflowers cheese soup !

Monica I think you have made a wise decision- six months of stability will only boost your recovery .

it is so motivating to read your thread and compare it to a year ago. Monica enjoy your special day - you have earned it. Xx

...and all the best for the year to come, Monica.

I'm just back from Malta...

Hi Vera, Have read your posts on others threads. Glad you had a good break and that you have split the cost with hubby. Malta is on my list, hope to chat about it in group.

Fell asleep early and woke up at 2am. Still awake. My son came home at 3 after seeing a friend and decided to share with me a few things, one good, one shocking. The child support agency reduced what he is paying as he pays so much for his children. So the vindictiveness wanting more didn’t pay off.

Now the shocking, and very topical. My granddaughter was jumped by a girl and beaten on her way home from school. it was filmed with no one intervening, quite a few watching and laughing. It made the front page news of the Brighton Argos as it was a relentless attack. She is not too badly hurt with black eyes. But my son was talking revenge, he cried about it. I said violence solves nothing but I will call my granddaughter tomorrow. He says he self esteem also took a bashing. This preys on my mind and I pray about it.

How scary for your Granddaughter! That really upsets me that no one intervened. This world is scary. I hope she will realize that the other girl is the one with low self esteem. Normal people don't behave that way!!! I understand your Son's reaction. It's hard to see our children suffer. I will be thinkimg of your Granddaughter. Take care!

Not the best of days today. Worked from home till lunchtime, sat on my bed and just fell asleep. Six hours later woke up. I need to catch up on work over the weekend. Been mulling over whether to get a heart check up as have had a week of ectopic beats on and off. Was surprised how tired I feel. Not going to do anything till Sunday and rest up. Left my phone at work but dont mind being without it for the weekend. Thursday was so busy that as usual I leave things in places. I wonder if I am up to the pace sometimes but I also know that I can be too hard on myself.

Sorry to read of Vera’s setback.

As a person who has had a heart attack and has a heart issue which I take medications for, don't mess around if you are not feelimg well. Go to the Dr's. You know when something isn't right. Rest!

I've been trying to get round to posting to say thank you for your support in the group last night.

I may have come across as dazed but I took in what you said and will put it into effect.

I gave an account on my thread of what today has been like.

Externally everything appears as normal but inside I feel like a squeezed out dishcloth.

I just had a long bath (puddings still bubbling along nicely) so I will wind down soon and have a very early night. I told my son and his wife that I will treat them to a meal tomorrow after Mass so I need to get my act together. Thank God there was 200 left in my account (the last of the overdraft) so I can fulfill that promise at least.

I hope you get some rest over the weekend as well as catching up on your work. Have a health check up asap, Monica (ask for a cardio stress test), says one who escapes to the slots to avoid all health issues!

I hope your grand daughter is recovered from her ordeal.

The world has gone mad. The order of Life is breaking down.

Thanks too for posting to my thread.

Hi Monica,

sorry I missed your birthday, a very happy belated. What a difference a year can make. You got there one day at a time. You didn't gamble each day no matter what. And you had quite a few no matter whats! Glad you were spoiled with meals and treats. Getting out to a show. What a normal birthday activity. Well done.

I worry about your health and the demands the job is putting on you. I hope your employer realizes what they have and that you are karmically rewarded for it somewhere along the line. I second Liz's thoughts on getting a checkup with the doctor about your heart. Or next time it's racing go to a hospital walk in where they can do some heart tests. No sense fooling around.

I find now that I'm working I'm sapped every night. I usually have to medicate with pain medication and end up in bed watching Netflix. I'm not much of a support system for my GT friends. But I still think of you and wish you all the best.

Laura xo

Have posted on your thread. So good to hear from you. And I will take up your advice re walk in. Things hve settled with resting and magnesium supplements seem to balance it all out. But for a week, particularly,last Saturday, lots of extra beats.

Have slept and rested a lot this weekend. Had a massage yesterday along with a luxury pedicure which was very nice. Things have settled with my son being here and there are some real benefits, with his girlfriend buying things for the kitchen. My son bought some scales in, minehad broken and all the weight I lost when my stomach issues were bad I have put back on. I need to lose it so that will be my next focus. I was shocked at how in our 20s to forties when I was around nine stone, it is now three stone heavier, about a stone and a half overweight for my height, lucky I am tall. I have not had bad gut attacks now for around five weeks so hope I am turning a corner. This is the longest I have gone all year.

Shortly I have to catch up on the work I was unable to do Friday afternoon, so will not be in group tonight.

Hi Monica

Glad to read you are feeling better - magnesium really is a miracle supplement !

Having your son move in has been very positive for you - company is nice and even nicer when it’s family .

I struggle constantly with my weight - well to be honest it’s a bit like stopping gambling - I talk about it more than do it .

I am back to sensible eating tomorrow !

I hope you didn’t have to spend all today working .

Hope to meet u in a group during the week. Xx

Just to let you know I'm thinking of you, Monica and hoping you had a stress free week at work .

The weekends come around quickly.

Hi Monica

Hope all is good with you xx

Mixed week. Started ok and mid week had headaches and nausea for two and a half days. Apparently another bug so I heard on Friday going round at work. Took a day off work. Thursday and Friday felt exhausted. Had the work Xmas do Friday evening where only a few people went not wanting to spend the 50 quid each for dinner. Left early at 9pm as very cold and awful tired.

Today I went to my acupuncturist and found it relaxing. He says heart is ok but my pulse is rapid on only minor exertion so we r working on the cigarettes for the New Year. He gave me some herbs for the tum and energy as this morning I just felt exhausted. Went to the posh shop. The lady in there is such a good saleswoman. Said she could dress me as I am on a mission to become classy and change the way I dress. Bought 4 items at a fair few bob. I walked out of there feeling energised and like a million dollars. Got home to all hell breaking loose. My son and my grandsons had had an awful row and said things that hurt each other. Gave my grandson a big hug and my son called their mum. They had waited three hours for my granddaughter who ended up turning back and going home. Tempers were very frayed. My peace did not get disturbed throughout. Their mum surprised me with her emotional maturity and all is now calm with the boys watching tv. My son felt like he was losing his children.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of going to my gp saying I wanted to commit suicide. A lot has changed in that year. I am grateful for recovery each and every day.

It was good to see a update on how you are doing. Thank you for posting on my thread. Yeap, I had extra money. I took that money and gambled it and then took bill money to win back my losses. Didn't work. Never does. But I feel a valuable lesson was learned this time. I'm glad that things were sorted with your Grandchildren and that you were able to remain calm during it all. That takes a lot of discipline. I'm going to take your lead and start doing things for myself. With that extra money. It's been ages since I've had a mani and pedi. Things like that make you feel better about yourself. Take care and have a great day!

My son has some emotional issues I can see that now as well as being depressed. I spoke to him Sunday night, words that he didn’t want to hear, that I would not have anger in my home and that he was overreacting to everything. I will not tolerate male anger in my home as for a lifetime I have put up with men who are angry, appeased them, tried to change them or when I was much younger tried to calm them down or bypassed it, a trait from childhood. I said simply no more. Not for years have voices been raised in my home. This morning he apologised and said he would see his gp for the depression. He has a good heart and got me a second hand bed base with drawers, which is quite swish and modern and a huge improvement on the grotty old wooden bed base that pete got me years ago, and looks like a relic from the 19 30s.

I watched the Louis Theroux documentary last night on Vegas. I was concerned it would trigger me before I watched it. And it didn’t, not at all. I felt sorry for those caught in the cycle and when Louis won and was on top at the end, I just thought to myself, not enough of a win, to get its hooks in. It was around 1500 dollars and to me it wasn’t enough or worth it.

My sister is also depressed as had a text from her. I have given 40 quid towards booze, 30 quid deposit for food and now 30 quid for crackers. I have said enough is enough and she has to sort her life out. No more coming from me.

Family members drain us even more than "outsiders" sometimes, Monica. Emotionally, financially and physically.

I have come to the point in my life when I am trying to stand back. (I had my share of angry men-my own son being the worst -I am very ashamed to say I often reacted angrily to him or indeed often instigated the aggression.)

As a child, I hid and as an adult I also hid from my son's anger (in the casino)

This Christmas I will protect myself from chaos. I am making all the usual preparations. If my family come home I will be glad. If they decide to spend Christmas elsewhere I will be equally glad.

I have been reflecting a lot on previous Christmases .

The onus was always on me to "get it all together". Yes, everyone helped but only under instruction from me. The onus was always on me to deliver /collect everyone which becomes exhausting and when things went tits up, I was told "you are a controller".

I guess I am a controller but from now on I will concentrate on controlling myself and let everyone else do their own thing!

Can you suggest to your sister to get help with her alcohol problem?

I already have with my sister. She said she had cut down to spritzers. I suspect that isn’t true. I will tackle it again at Xmas. Since August every fortnight the tearful anxiety ridden texts. She has to take responsibility now for her position. It is me that is facing bankruptcy not her. I told her to go to step change but I can see she wants to keep her credit cards going which is sucking up her money. But I have decided that enough is enough. I paid back every penny my family loaned me when I was destitute including a one off from my sister. Sometimes it is hard to know just what to do.

Hi Monica

I feel you are strong and insightful to have such a firm discussion with your son and to assert your right to have a home free from anger . Your son is very good, and I hope his visit to the doctor helps him .

I dont quite know how I could go about sorting out issues in my own home.

Do you feel you are enabling your sister by providing money ? £30 seems a bit extreme for crackers - but perhaps I am out of touch .

I watched the documentary too and I couldn’t believe how those people were sucked in - which I found strange as I have been just a gullible for so long. Stopping has been a real struggle and yet today I am wondering why I found it so difficult.

Louis walked away - I couldn’t t while the casino was still open. !

Hope the rest of your week goes well.

...just crossed my mind that it's interesting that after a display of anger your son went out and bought a bed to replace the bed Pete had bought you, or am I reading too much into that?

My son's anger towards me always comes back to a man who stayed in our house when my son was very young.

Perhaps I'm being too Freudian.

My son is used to living in a very nice flat which was very high in rent until he moved to my exes where his brother still lives. He didn’t know pete had got me the bed base just that it’s pretty awful, and the one he got is not, it’s lovely. His friend was giving it away and he just took the opportunity. So, not no Freudian links there. My son is away now on work. He is so like me, needs the structure of work. He will be in Dublin tomorrow.

Oh and idi, two boxes best quality crackers is 30 quid.

Hanging on in there with everything, lagging behind on Xmas shopping, have hardly done any.


It is so long since I had anything but the cheapest - this year I might get good quality crackers too! It sounds like your Christmas is going to be lovely !

You appear to be really happy Monica - it is working out having your son live with you !-

Hope your son enjoys Dublin ! It is a great city !


Again a very busy week and I seem to be posting once a week now but ha vent managed to do a group this week. Missed my departmental Xmas party cos I was on yet another deadline. Did manage to start Xmas shopping though.

Today I feel irritated as yet another request for today from my sister. I have now given her 150 quid towards Xmas. I strongly told her not to ask me again and to sort out her life. This is ruining our relationship and I am fed up with the whiney, I am in such a stAte texts. Like I have to accept my financial mess so does she. Aside from God I rely on no one else to sort it out and she needs to to same, I feel she is used to being poor me with everything and she needs to grow up. Since August every two weeks a request for money and for times now in two weeks for Xmas.

My mum rang yesterday and talked about her wishes after she dies. And she wants me, not my older sister to sort her affairs out. She told me the value of things in her flat that she doesn’t want my sister to get hold of and sell for nothing. I accepted what she was saying and just prayed that she lives for a few years more. I have thought about the trip to her home,and of Austria but I am not sure if she will be able to do. I will still try for the summer though. I didn’t feel depressed about it but had bad dreams last night about my sister and me having bodies buried from years ago, I wonder what the significance of that is...

My son has been working and said he respects my views about no angry men in the house, and things have settled. He is here rent free until end January till he gets back on his feet, but pays half for the electricity.

So I feel slightly exasperated this Sunday morning.

I did a Study on Dreamwork many years ago, Monica. I think dreaming of dead bodies signifies a break in relationships or regret.

Your sister is playing on your generosity.. Just like my "friend" who borrows.

My guess is you are not her only benefactor. Can you get yourself nominated as the person with Power of Attorney for your mum? By doing that, she will be assured of her wishes being carried out when the time comes and beforehand. Hopefully, she will enjoy many good years of independence first.

It is no coincidence that I gambled on the day I was to meet my "friend". She always whinges and begs for money. It stresses me . I feel guilty when I refuse. To be honest, I had no great desire to meet her. It was her request to meet me. The night before I had stipulated that I would not collect her at her house, as I always do, that she should take a ten minute drive to meet at a neutral venue. Ten mins for her, 50 mins for me. Just as I was leaving home-driving out the gate, her text came "It's too cold for me to go out today". In other words "come and collect me"...the rest is history.

Some relationships are NOT healthy so why do we maintain ?

What's in it for me, I ask? I have answered partially.

Hi Monica

I am sorry if my previous post came across a little offensive regarding your sister and the crackers - I didn’t mean to imply anything - it was intended more to ask if that was how you felt rather than an assumption on my part .

Anyway it is good to hear from you -it is a difficult situation with your sister. I don’t really have any idea as to how you can handle it except to continue with what you have been doing .

I have a “ poor me “ in my life ( long term work mate ) and it has shocked me recently that once she got a little bit of power how comfortable she was in asserting it even if I got trampled on in the process - (again I’m not comparing to your sister in any way ) - it was another life lesson for me!

It is a huge testament Monica to you as a daughter that your mum chose you to have this discussion with and to trust with such a huge matter. It must have been a very difficult conversation for you. Your mum views you as a very trustworthy person and who knows us better than our mothers? Although to be honest reading about it has made me feel a little sad -death is too final - I sometimes just want to forget it exists .

Your son also respects you highly Monica - he has taken on board your concerns and your advice.

It reminds me that some times we forget how much we actually have got right in our lives - gambling may have created a financial mess for us but you certainly have got the important things right .

Hope you feel a little better


Really good to hear from both of you and for the wise advice. Lovely posts ty. It is odd, my sister works in law and has always been the most responsible one, always taking the lead on such things and sorted out all my dads affairs when he passed. It just seems that things have gone the other way. I think it is addiction that is doing this and also just the state of the U.K. I feel for all the huge increases in homeless as in the news today and just those with nothing at all for Xmas, the situation I was in last Xmas, albeit that one was self created. There are many vulnerable people in this situation through no fault of their own. My sister doesn’t have nothing though just large credit card bills that she has just renegotiated. And a large private rent. Sometimes it seems we could be one step away from everything from falling apart. This is where faith comes in and the knowing that all things shall pass.

My daughter has texted for help over Xmas but at least said don’t worry if you can’t. This is just one small situation out of many perfect storms that drove me to gamble. Everyone comes to me in my family.

Good morning Monica, I am happy to read that you are weathering the small storms in your life. I know being there for your family is important to you and it sounds as though you are dealing with requests and making choices about what you will stand for and the help you will give. Part of recovery is setting boundaries as to what we will accept and what we won't. Looks like you are doing exactly that. Save enough for a life for Monica too! You are generous and kind and truly deserving of the same treatment. What a difference a year has made. You are most certainly in a different place. I'm very happy to read it. take care Monica! xo

Hi Monica

Hope all is well with you .

Yours is a great then and now example of how stopping gambling can change our lives .

Hope to meet you in group soon


Hi Monica, hope your week wasn't too crazy hectic and busy. Drop a line when you have a chance. Just finished having a great chat with IDI. I'm going to try and be on the 2pm chat tomorrow, Sunday, if you happen to be able to catch it. I let IDI know as well. 3 days til Christmas, I can't believe it. I hope you get some holiday time to relax. xo talk soon hopefully.


Well, it was a hectic week and Thursday very stressful at work, mayhem and irritating. Had to stay late on Friday but now off and just finished all my Xmas shopping. Spent a bit too much but never mind. Accidentally spent 85 pounds on a pressie for my sons girlfriend. That will teach me for not looking Went to just one Xmas party on Wednesday and left early. It was in Leicester Square and passed four casinos in a row. Toxic slop as vera would say. Was only mildly triggered.

Well when I got home after my long day on Friday I spent 100 pounds on my favourite computer game that I hadn’t logged in to for about 278 days but clearly hadn’t blocked it properly. Not gambling I hasten to add. That I won’t do, but that was my blow out and I played for hours. It was kinda fun. It was mind numbing and I realised when I stopped work how tired I really was and how work was literally consuming all my time. I was exhausted and just slept most of last night from around 8pm. Missed my acupuncture appointment but rebooked it. My blowout is Not to be repeated. I realised the nature of addiction again, as this particular game is very fast paced and addictive. I don’t find any other computer game addictive except this particular one. It was a one off.

My sister asked me for more money today after I told her no more and I kept to that. She has become used to me topping up her wages and I made it clear that I am keeping to what I said last time, not happening.

I do need to tune in to support though as not had any spare time at all. Grandkids are down just overnight o. A flying visit and they are at a party now at one of my sons friends house. Wrapping pressies now and meeting up with Pete briefly later for a drink.

I still listened to scripture this morning as I find it life giving, soothing and makes me focused.

This Xmas so much better than last year, gambling free now for over 16 months now. Worth celebrating.

Monica, I'm so pleased to hear and read the way things have turned out for you compared to last Christmas. Seeing is believing! It really is like a miracle the way your life has taken a turn for the better. Buying and wrapping presents is so exciting. That money wouldn't last an hour in the slots. I feel sick when I think back on what I lost this year alone.

Go easy on that "addictive " game.

Every time I find myself playing a certain phone game, wildly, I end up playing the slots.

There is definitely some link there.

I'm glad to hear Pete is staying in touch. We had a visit from a man today who brings us a turkey and ham every year...(long story but my son never knew he buys them-a bit like your son and Pete-bad feeling there) I cooked a roast beef dinner. I'm in very bad form and hubby is driving me nuts.

I envy you being able to sleep. I'm exhausted from sleep deprivation.


Lovely post Monica

It is such a joy for me to read your words and hear you doing so well.

Please watch that computer game. Gaming like gambling can draw the mind into a false sense of security.

I hope your Christmas is full of all the things that matter to you.

As Ever


Monica ,

It has made me smile to read about your happy Christmas - you put in the work and you are reaping the rewards.

You are very definite that God is at the centre of your recovery and you never fail to give Him thanks for the miracles He has worked in your life .

Your Christmas sounds pretty perfect - time with kids , grandkids , your mum and Pete , and deservedly so .

Hope you have the most peaceful Christmas Monica xx.

Lovely helpful posts. Am just about to set out for my sisters and I just wanted to come and thank everyone for their support and wish everyone a wonderful Christmas. I have missed coming in to support and groups but will do evening groups when I am back on the 27th. No trains like last year. Rail replacement bus service that takes hours, Had a lovely drink with pete last night. The pub let bailey in. Pete is broke as he has been ill with a chest cold and the old man he lives with may sell up as it looks like he may have a serious illness, I hope not. I know pete misses me and I miss him and bailey. Not a yearning missing but just acknowledging that I love him. He said I changed his life for the better which I know is true. He still managed to get a card and bottle of wine for my family. I gave him money for Xmas and a bottle of Remy Martin.

My daughter has offered me a room in her house as they need to increase their Income. Will discuss when I visit after New Year.

Anyhoo, I pray for all with a gambling addiction that we find the joy of recovery and a life in Christ whatever our higher power is as we see it.

Ps I tried blocking the Facebook game in my iPad but didn’t work. Anyone know how to block a Facebook game permanently?

Hi Monica

Hope you have a beautiful Christmas xx

I will see if I can find out Monica re the game. I have a friend who is good with things like that. I hope your Christmas was lovely and peaceful. Hopefully a few Christmas treasures have found their way to you. My Christmas was lovely. Enjoying a relaxing boxing day and getting ready to start leftovers for supper with my sons. Take it easy and will look for you the 27th. Congratulations on your 16 months. No easy task. It was a daily commitment and sometimes i'm sure more often that that. Well done. xo Laura

Just wrote a long post and iPad switched itself off so lost the lot. Ahhhhhgggg...

Well Christmas Eve rail replacement service took twice as long, over 4 hours, but I enjoyed the journey sitting right at the front and watching a beautiful sunset on what was a glorious sunny blue skied winters day. Arrived at my sisters and sipped on cherry brandy in the evening. About the only alcoholic drink I love the taste of. I realised I had forgotten peters card and present for the family, Croft Sherry but no one would actually drink it. My mum is a Harvey’s Bristol cream only lady.

Christmas Day was very nice with a lovely m and s Turkey dinner. My niece visited with her son, my great nephew I think. Followed by raspberry and prosecco panacotta. Yum. A very nice day.

On Boxing Day at 3am I lit a cig and a large flame ignited my hair and singed my left eyebrow. A freak accident but no burns aside from quite a bit of hair and my eyebrow so no lasting damage done. My sister reused the turkey saving the beef we usually have for another time. My mum and myself had both given her the money for Xmas, possibly a total of 300 pounds so I think we were both a little peeved about that but said nothing. My sister had requested more from me again just the day before Xmas and I reiterated no. Both my mum and sister bought scratch cards daily, my mum buying my sisters. My brother in law was worse than usual this Xmas. With copd and ocd his behaviour was really bad particularly on Boxing Day, he called his grandson, the brat and I could see that his world had become very narrow and small. He was very rude to my sister and as soon as a plate was used, he had to pick it up continually. She has tried to leave him before and even though she had a property with the boughton estate, courtesy of my dads long service with them, had to go back as she could not survive on her money alone and relies on his pension. I think I decided there and then not to go back next Xmas and spend it with my own family. My mum kept echoing her appreciation that I was there. She has met my sons only once or twice and her grandchildren not at all. All very difficult.

I had recurring vivid bad dreams each night when I was at my sisters which I will discuss with Vera when next in group... the bad dreams did not return when I got home.

Worked from home on 28th and had a very pleasant day watching poirot reruns in the evening which I love, and playing that game again spending money which I must stop. Realised my compulsiveness is still there. I also on 27th and 28th ate 16 m and s caramel tea cakes. They are so yummy. And guess what...

On 29th woke up to a familiar cramping in my guts which I really dread. And also a productive cough. Over indulgence triggered all of it. Not on alcohol, although we had champagne for breakfast which we always do at Xmas, but on food and cigs. I hadn’t had a big attack since end of October and here it was. It reminded me of the previous New Year’s Eve I had spent which was completely miserable, hours and hours of cramp, and I didn’t want to repeat that again. Not this time and not this year.

It settled in a couple of hours, unlike last year when it lasted days. Went for a massage, facial and then acupuncture which was so relaxing I almost fell asleep. And I played the game again. How do I block it?

My sons loved their presents, Ben saying it was the best present he had received (smart watches). He has just got his present for me which is a vape. So appreciative of this, as this is the next addiction that has to be kicked. Second cough since October and I know what needs to be done.

I could have added relapse as an r too but I don’t intend to do that, although this Xmas I have spent money on a computer game compulsively but not gambled and on January 14th I will be 17 months gambling free. How has this last year been?

How has 2018 been?

As Laura will tell everyone I had a prolonged rock bottom with everything getting worse I think so I really got the message. I saw 2018 in in agony, alone in my bed. I was destitute and Pete brought in cigs and food daily. I could not afford alternative medicine which could have helped my conditions. I had been 4 months gf on New Year’s Eve but things did not get better until well into the spring. That is what my gambling addiction did to me. Told my gp I was suicidal pre Xmas. Threatened with committal to prison proceedings in two debt areas, one for council tax and the other for ignoring a ****** court judgment. Bailiffs ringing daily. No Xmas pressies for anyone which was first time ever. Lost my faith which I also had lost when in action. Had my 60th birthday and my son took me out for a hairdo which I had t done for nearly a year and a posh dinner. Did the gma programme from January through to July. I was so sick on the first residential I could only take part in some of it. I missed the second as I was working in what turned out to be a great temporary job.

So what has recovery brought me?

Recovery has been progressive. Not everything has gone well. I managed to get the bailiffs to stop and both prison proceedings stopped. Based on perceived vulnerability at the time. I stopped my home from being repossessed. Little steps at a time,

The temporary job in May which I really enjoyed doing as was in a lovely location, brought in much needed money. When it ended in July I went to a spa in Malaga, which actually wasn’t a great break as was alone in a German speaking remote spa. But it was ok. Three weeks later I went straight into another job where I still am. Pay a lot less than I am used to but it has brought some much needed stability into my life although it is very challenging.

Pete moved out at my request and my son moved in. We are making adjustments to the change and it is ok.

I made some resolutions last year. One was to recover my health and eradicate the ibs and gut infection I have had brought on solely initially by gsmbling and perpetuated by the financial stresses and certain foods. Through a combination of herbs and acupuncture I am not completely disabled by it, which I was. And have only had once attack on 29th December owing to overindulgence, the last one being end of October.

I have regained my faith which has been my strength and resilience throughout this year. I donate monthly to tbn, the Christian channel as I recognise and value the help my higher power has brought in this year.

One resolution was that I would have five figures in my bank account by the end of the year. This looked impossible as in March I was still destitute existing on meagre sanctioned benefits. But pre Xmas I just made that. Seemingly impossible but I made it. Diminished a lot post Xmas and with the holiday I am about to book.

I still see pete and spent a very pleasant evening together on 23rd December although he cannot come to my home. So a lot of huge improvements but a lot still to be done.

Of a friend from a long time ago who passed just before Xmas of emphysema. We were both pregnant together with her second and my first and we hung out all the time. she had her first child with my ex and when I was expecting my second she had a phantom pregnancy at the same time. They had an affair whilst I was pregnant. Lots of water under the bridge and the mistakes of youth. She had A lot of history with my ex and they kept in touch. My son tells me. I am sad at this news but also feel it is a warning. Both my son and I are coughing away and it is time to quit.

Congrats on your gamble free time! I remember when things werr very bleak for you. I really worried if you would survive. You did and have made many positive changes. You've given me hope and I look forward to your posts. I wish you a Happy New Year. You deserve it!

Sorry to hear about your friend, Monica. A big shock for all. Also a wake up call....... 2018 was your "Year of Change". Without enormous effort on your part, none of those changes would have taken place. WELL DONE, Monica! Giving up the "smokes" will be a walk in the park compared to quitting gambling. One day at a time will work. I'm "choking" all night with a cough. Just thinking if I was still smoking the discomfort would be much worse. I am NOT a good patient!

You are so spot on as usual.

Well spending New Year’s Eve on own as my son has a party to go to. Very different to last year on own though when I was thrashing round for hours in pain. I worked late today, the only one not to leave early and got a lot done. Didn’t get home till 8.

Just got off phone to pete. He is home alone and I am too. Wished each other happy new year. Neither of us up to going out but we will meet up on his 56th on the 7th January for a drink. Before he rang I thought to myself on this day of days I wonder how he feels and then he rang. Hey ho....

Well my New Years wishes, resolutions and dreams

To remain gf needless to say

I would like to experience the best and most perfect day ever in 2019. I have had about 4 or 5 what I would call brilliant days in my life and they were always dual edged eg my daughters wedding which is one of them, I had just been diagnosed with cancer and would have major surgery the week they were on honeymoon. So, the best most perfect day ever...


To eradicate h pylori and ibs

To start Pilates and back to the gym, lose 21 lbs by end of year

To get the implants, I made an appointment today

To stop smoking, and switch to the vape my son got me by end of January

To be happy


To be fulfilled, well paid in a developmental role


To get everyone together for the first time

To plan my mums visit to Austria if she is well enough


To tackle the big debts and make the decision for April re bankruptcy

To end the year with double the bank balance of this year


To book that Dominican Republic break. Idi and I were both inspired by Sarah last year and to me that became an iconic celebration of recovery. Where did Sarah go?


To do service for gamblers and the terminally ill. Yes, they are two separate things in case you were wondering

To strengthen my faith even more and have a strife free year enjoying a progressive recovery.

That’s about it.

A bit more focussed this year, I was all over the place last year. Not this one coming...

Great post Monica! Happy New Years!

You should be very proud of where you have come from and where you are now. Happy New Year!! I hope theyeaes just keep getting better for you.

Hi Monica,

Wishing you good health, peace, happiness and successful recovery in 2019

It is good to have plans and dreams for a better future, Monica.

When the Present is good, we see the Future in a more hopeful light.

I hope all your dreams come true.

Hi Monica ,

Happy New Year .

That is a really great plan for the new year.

And I know you will achieve everything on it .xx

Ps my phone is very hit or miss- it lets me write a few messages sometimes and Then blocks me out of the journals - can’t understand it but I can read on an Old iPad which won’t let me log in.

Worked from home and had a phone call first thing and it was non stop from there in. Today I felt tired. On the call my voice was very hoarse from the chest infection which is slowly going. Everyone else is ill too, both at work and domestically, I am going to ban winter bugs.

Last night my friend with cancer called. She is now being treated in a good hospital and at some point soon will have low,dose chemo and radiation. we had a long conversation. I have a feeling things will go well for her. Her tumour has broken up a bit all by itself which she attributes to music therapy and cleaning out some old emotional junk. She said she likes talking to me and finds it helpful. guess, who was rather drained at the end of it. So the people pleasing that is being talked about today, yes hello.....

Today I felt overwhelm, too many things to do and not enough time to do them in even when approaching it all one step at a time. Gave my granddaughter the money for Xmas, we spent days in a hoo ha between my son and his ex and my granddaughter about whose account to transfer it into. Back and forth and back and forth.

I booked that Dominican Republic break, yes I did. End March 2 weeks. Celebrate recovery.

My son returned from work and said that I look after everyone but myself and he is concerned about me, I retorted that I was also concerned about him. I jokingly said how does he manage to get on my nerves. I was already overwhelmed when he went into all his really,good ideas for the home and I was even more overwhelmed. He has mapped out a project plan for my bedroom. He said that my room is airless, which it is and that is why I always feel worse at home, than when at work. The window was opened and even though it was freezing, it did bring some much needed air into the room. He wants to live in a modern environment and that isn’t here. I said that is all good and we will get on

with it. Put off paying his part of the rent to me for another month as his tax is due. I said ok but no longer than end February.

Was very irritated by council tax letters threatening court again. As usual they have got it wrong.

With my holiday, which is the most I have ever paid for a holiday, and Xmas I have really decimated my bank account but still have enough to keep going till payday. Have spent money on line in the sales as well but not too much.

That is incredibly awesome that you booked a trip! Adventure time! Hope you feel better soon!

Lol- in true Monica style it didn't take you long to start working on that New year action plan !

I can see why companies line up to employ you.

I hope you have a brilliant trip!

I think there is a lot To be said for clearing out emotional junk. It can completely bog us down. Also there is a lot of research coming from America and more recently Scotland which indicates very strongly that adverse childhood experiences (ACES) are a greater indicator of adult health and wellbeing than any lifestyle choices. I guess it would explain why some people seem to ignore all current healthy lifestyle advice and life to 100 while others are so careful and yet become ill much younger.

I wish your son was living with me - I want a minimalist home and someone who is motivated and willing to make it happen- seems like this lad has a lot of his mum in him!

Thats a pain about the tax and I am sure it causes you a lot of stress. ONe of my not gambling but similar to gambling fantasies is that the taxman discovers I have hugely overpaid and sends me a huge refund !

Not very likely to happen but a nice dream anyway.

Hope you have a lovely weekend !

Nice post idi. Today I started to clear huge clutter and clothes in my bedroom. My son wanted to take a photo. Went shopping and treated my son to some food and cigs. I felt in a good mood having done just that little bit of clearing up.

My mum rang to wish pete a happy birthday and also to,touch base as I didn’t get back to her New Year’s Day and should have, which I have felt guilty about all week... we both have splurged massively over December and the new year. And we both agreed now to stop now and tighten our belts. This is my record of that decision so 8 will keep to it. Since I have been working I must have spent at least a couple of thousand on clothes which is part of my having no clothes as a kid. I really didn’t have anything at all as a child. However, no more splurges and back to belt tightening. At least I don’t do credit (no one would give me any anyway) but even if it was offered to me I wouldn’t take it. One thing the gambling addiction has taught me is cold hard cash all the way. I emailed celebrate recovery as I liked what I read about them (prompted by Jens post) I asked my mum not to tell my sister about the holiday and ten minutes later I get a text from my sister. Thanks mum. ..

Hey Monica! Sorry I could not say goodbye in chat yesterday. My darn phone went dead right as I was posting. Thanks for your post on my thread. It’s great to hear you are looking into CR.. it really is a great program. You would also have lot to offer with your story.. I have watched a lot of life’s change with CR. My problem is I never stay committed.. Not this time, this time when things get even better, I will work even harder.

No worries Jen. Celebrate recovery not based in London unfortunately.

My son is out today seeing my granddaughter in Brighton. Last night he got a call back from a voiceover he did to actually read the scriptin an audition. He has done a lot of extra work in the past some of it in well known films. Had to laugh as it was from a Casino. To me they are toxic effluent or whatever vera called it. Today I still played the computer game a little but set out my intent and registered for a Pilates try out class and bought the alkaline diet book. I am going to make that effort. Over Xmas I have put on weight round the middle and I am determined to do what I can to shift it.

Well doing a bit of work then going out for a drink with Pete for his birthday. Saved my French jeans until today to wear and a blouse I got from the posh shop which actually covers my belly ha ha. I look really slim in the legs with a covered tum but I know I need to shift the weight. I won’t even get on the scales. Sent my sister 50 quid without even being asked for it as I know she is really struggling. And now I am keeping to a budget.