Dealing with my gambling demon!
So after four years of fooling myself I was 'trading' and 'investing' on financial markets and yet another night of not going to bed trying
to save a bad trade its time to admit a few things and get help. I am pure and simple a gambler driven by a demon who feeds on raw emotion and makes me
feel stressed, anxious, angry and scared even on the rare times I win some money. I have gambled at work, in meetings, libraries, coffee shops, buses
anywhere really and it never works out for me and sitting here now thinking about it emotional impact on my mental health is horrific.
The demon will scream at the computer screen with his usual refrain 'I don't f***ing believe it, not again!' (god knows what the neighbours must think).
He gets violent against the nearest available inanimate object, countless computer mice, one laptop, an ipad and a phone; Currys must love the demon.
I have stopped him before, a year once but drifted back. The demon convinces me this time you have it controlled and I believe him. Endless hours on you tube
getting new strategies, reading books and podcasts. They all say manage the risk, small position sizes, don't use money you cant afford to lose all the while
the demon must be inside laughing at my pathetic attempts to 'educate' myself. Four times I have gone back a few weeks of control,
a bit of success then boom ramping it up and a grand blown in a day. Its not the money (well I know it is that as well) it is the emotional loss of control - I feel the
same if I lose £5 or £500 and I don't want to feel like this anymore but I don't understand myself or my demon. In my non gambling life I am a calm,
non violent, easy going person with pretty good professional risk management. As I sit here now, three days after closing my accounts down and starting a
recovery programme I cannot get in touch with that wild emotional crazy guy who lurks within - its obvious isn't it, trading makes me feel shit and lose money
so I just stop doing it right? But I know there is a crazy demon lurking within, what do I do with him? slay him, tame him, distract him - answers on a post card please!