Feeling Hopeless in Oklahoma

I started gambling at 10 when I was old enough to go to the V to play Bingo with my Granny, that's over 29 years of gambling. At first it wasn't a problem it was fun. As I got older it progressed into slots, cards, and horses. I am married to a wonderful man who I feel doesn't deserve someone like me. He deserves much better.  I never had to lie about going to the casino and how much I've spent but it seems I am more and more. I've literally had about 12 hours sleep in the last 4 days and have only eaten a very small amount in the same time frame. I have always lived in a pretty small world. I say that now let me explain - I am a very private person. I have many "friends" but only a few true friends that I allow in my little world. It has always been me and my mom until I met my husband then it was me, him and my mom. In Dec 2001 my mother was diagnosed with GBM (Brain cancer) as a matter of fact it was today 9 years ago we learned there was no cure. She took treatment but was gone by July 2002. I have a very large network of family (aunts, uncles, cousins) but none really close because I don't let people in. According to my husband I have never coped with my mom's illness and death. I function through life. I do what has to be done and leave everything else bottled up. But that's me I do what needs to be done and I'm the one everyone counts on when they need something. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, "Hey don't you see me!! Don't you see something is wrong. My heart is breaking and I don't know how to stop the pain. I don't have it "all together" as you think I do!" I've actually have people say that they admire that in me that I always have it "all together". I've always commented if you only knew the truth. What they see on the outside is nothing compared to the storm that ranges inside of me. Gambling is numbing. It requires no skill or thought. Feed your money in and hit the button over and over again. When I am gambling I am not thinking and when I am not thinking I am not hurting. Mom and I used to play bingo together all the time and go to the casinos while my dh was fishing. Life was good and I never overspent on gambling. Tonight I reached my breaking point and broke down and called the National Gambling Hotline the man I spoke with referred me to Oklahoma's 211 for information in Oklahoma for help. Seems there isn't help for people like me in rural Western Oklahoma. They have casinos but they don't have meetings or counselors available. Talk about feeling at a loss. I finally have the nerve to call for help to be told there isn't any. After several calls I finally had someone refer me to Alcoholic Anonoymous to find a 12 step Open meeting in our area and this website. I hope to be able to utilize this website only down fall I see is that the Group Therapy sessions are in the middle of the night for area and I found a meeting tomorrow night in the city where I work which is 25 miles from my home but it's a baby step. I don't want to feel hopeless and like my husband doesn't deserve me. He does deserve the me I was and I want to enjoy the rest of my life with him doing fun and exciting things that isn't mind numbing to dull my pain. I am determined to do what it takes to make that happen!You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with the best you have to give. ~Eleanor Roosevelt