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    • #44440
      i-did-it
      Participant
    • #44441
      finding_laura
      Participant

      sounds like a plan. Just for today I will not gamble. I have too much to live for and too many choices to waste. Laura

    • #44442
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thanks Laura .
      I have decided gamble free May and also alcohol free May.
      Alcohol is starting to feel a little like the early days of gambling addiction- I say I won’t drink then I will just have one and next thing six hours have passed.
      It’s that can’t stop once I start thing !
      And then the guilt next day.
      So for now I am having a month long detox.

      Life is good – I am up very late as I have given myself extra work because I over indulged and have a deadline to meet !
      But it’s done now and yes I will be tired tomorrow but I will survive – and at least there will be no hangover !

    • #44443
      i-did-it
      Participant

      I am anxious about work today – sometimes I feel like a fraud and I feel people will see through this .
      I am working with. a lot of agencies today and am feeling the pressure .
      In the past this would have led to me going to work exhausted with the work scarcely done due to gambling all night for several days – today I am well slept and ready – but still anxious .

      I wonder about these nerves – I work hard , support many others using my vast experience – and yet here I am nervous and anxious .
      Life is so much better now – I can treat myself to a reward after work- maybe a new outfit if I chose ! It will be over in a few hours . Need to keep perspective and of course I am saying a big well done to me for not gambling. !

      Onwards and upwards .

    • #44445
      Monica1
      Participant

      I talked about this in group last night about how we hve changed in recovery, and I have no doubt that I have changed, I too feel a lot more nervous and anxious than I ever did. I really feel it but fake it till I make it. I don’t know why this is, but I have just noticed it more and feel my feelings more. I even wondered whether I have a form of OCD, ie obsessive Thoughts that lead to anxiety. This is where positive affirming thoughts about ourselves help.
      As to feeling like a fraud, I think everyone has felt this at times. I think if we could see into all our,work colleagues thoughts and issues we might be very surprised, that we are by no means alone feeling what we do.
      Well done in remaining gamble free.

    • #44446
      finding_laura
      Participant

      will be back to post, I am in group now! 🙂

    • #44447
      finding_laura
      Participant

      Life is unbelievably hectic! As I am slightly paranoid about my anonymity I don’t feel I can share here. I fully intended to post last night but was interrupted. Most of it is good though! I’m just rolling with it. Everything you are doing as you come back from this life sucking addiction is making a difference. It is adding up. You are growing from all of this. And at some point,maybe even now, you can look back and see how far you’ve come. I hope you did treat yourself. Ttyl, Laura

    • #44448
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Laura , it was good to catch up in chat. I also have that paranoia about being recognised so I never write too specifically. Today Iwoke up happy – In the past I wrote often about my jungle garden.

      Earlier this year I was able to pay a man to do a few heavy jobs and remove some junk. In recent weeks we have been able to buy some electric machinery which will keep the garden tidy .

      Yesterday my family were able to enjoy my actually quite beautiful garden- sure it needs a lot of work but it is quite large and secluded. The fact is has been a little wild in recent years means it is a hive of activity – a plethora of birds singing and feeding- how can sitting in the city feel like the middle of the country ?

      I also have always had difficulty in knowing where to start in the garden but I seem to be able to make decisions at last – I am going to start with a nice BBQ area – after I fix the rotting deck ! I have discovered an unused area of the garden which has been cleared is the perfect area for Dining – it seems to catch the sun all day .

      I realise I am going on a little – but this is quite a huge change for me-

      I . My brain is clear enough to plan and prioritise

      2. My brain is clear enough to care about the garden

      3. I have a little money to spend on the garden

      4, I am relaxed enough to enjoy the garden.

      5. I am seeing the benefits of not gambling in one of the best nights my family has ever had – spent simply in our own back garden .

      6. I feel content and happy and I have normal things to look forward  to !

      Have to go – I’m off to price paving stones !!

      Onwards and upwards !

    • #44449
      Monica1
      Participant

      Sounds great idi in regard to your garden. I am seeing such big positive changes in you in recovery which will yield its blessings.
      Onwards and upwards.

    • #44451
      i-did-it
      Participant

      I seem to be posting between two threads- this is my latest one and the one I want to use I have lost a tiny amount of weight but enough to get some really nice summer clothes in a cheap shop. I bought two complete outfits , sandals and a nice watch – all cheap – infact the lot cost me less than I often spent on one item in the past . I cannot wait to wear them . I have cut out sugary treats and I think I am having withdrawal symptoms today – – I am just so hungry !!! But I am seeing results so happy to continue. Life is Good!

      As I was shopping I kept thinking of each item as one deposit – it wasn’t a conscious thing – it kept popping into my head as I keyed   in my pin. 

      Instead of the horrible dread after all those deposits I actually have nice clo to wear .

    • #44452
      Monica1
      Participant

      Thanks for the post on my thread. Appreciated.
      Where did you get the outfits from? I could use some cost effective style advice! I am cutting out sweets and chocolate too but realise that I have sugar cravings frequently, well daily. Well done on losing the weight! takes ages for me to lose weight, how long have you been doing the healthy diet?

    • #44453
      finding_laura
      Participant

      So great to read about your garden and how you plan to spend your “saved time and money”. I honestly think when we are addicted we are a bit like the hamster on a wheel. Our brains just go in circles. Gamble, lose, think about how to get more money to gamble, gamble, win, gamble, gamble, gamble, lose. Once we get some gamble free time in where we are sincerely working our recovery I think the hamster finally gets off the wheel and starts to think about better things! Enjoy your relaxation time together. Having a haven to come home to where a person is loved and supported can be a great springboard for life. I absolutely love flowers and used to have beds full of them. Now I have downsized but I still will do up several gorgeous planters for my huge deck. I have large but cheap plastic pots I refill every year. A few bags of Miracle Gro and a variety of cheap but colourful annuals and I’ll have colour all summer. I love this time of year as things are greening up here. I adore the wildlife that frollicks in my back yard. Rabbits, foxes, woodpeckers, finches and chickadees. Life is good. No room for gambling! Have a great night xo

    • #44454
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Laura and Monica for posts on both mythreads. Today I wore my new clothes- life is just so much better in new clothes. That must sound so daft but yeah it is!
      Today at last I can let go of some of the old scruffy clothes that have been hanging around for years – anything decent has went on eBay during the bad times -I can let the “maybes” and when I lose weight clothes go because I will never again be unable to buy what I need.

      And the weight is falling off also – I have found a new determination. I think knowing that I can buy clothes helps motivate me. I am returning to the old me – at least to an older version of the old me .

      I realise my whole post is about clothes- this is one of the big things I went without and one if the rewards of being gamble free.

      Enough about clothes – today I realised I need a necklace …

    • #44455
      finding_laura
      Participant

      lol, I love me some jewelry too! I’ve been so home bound before my surgery I didn’t get to where nice things. I was in too much pain to care about what I looked like. It’s nice to feel like dressing up a little. I have the energy and stamina to stand in front of a mirror now and put on some makeup and do my hair some days. You know it makes me happy to see how well you are doing. Someone to share the benefits of recovery with maybe multiplies the happiness. Have a good weekend. I will like be on the 2pm chat tomorrow if you are around and not busy. Otherwise enjoy your Saturday!
      Laura

    • #44456
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Laura
      Not much time today
      Just needed to write – bad anxiety this morning- interrupted my sleep- nervous about work today. Feeling a little over whelmed – trying to juggle too many balls – too many people to support right now .

      At least I can do it with a healthy bank account – one less worry ..
      Onwards and upwards

    • #44457
      i-did-it
      Participant

      The forums are quiet .
      As I know many people on here are busy living full gamble free lives, in many cases this is a positive thing.

      For me , the urges have died down – I do get triggered by ads on TV- but my barriers prevent me from gambling (which annoys me at the time ) .

      I hope anyone is struggling continues to fight this horrible disease – I may not be cured but I am living a gamble free life and I am happy . This is is no small part due to the the positive support I receive on here- both on the forums and in the groups .

      Having money in the bank is the best feeling!
      Onwards and upwards

    • #44458
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      I-did-it, Great post! My urges happen less often and I recognize my triggers. I’m glad that we are gamble free. Life is a lot better! The support here is amazing and a big part of my recovery. Has it been extremely quiet here lately? I hope you have a great day!

    • #44459
      Monica1
      Participant

      Been busy but not too busy to say hi! Hope to catch you soon for a good chat.

    • #44460
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Monica
      GT has always had cycles where it is quiet – it gets really busy just before and after Christmas and in the new year when people are panic stricken , or when people make new years resolutions .
      Many people forget about GT when gambling again takes hold( i have often had time out for this reason ). Now, thank God I recognise that the reason I am here less often is because my life and my thoughts have become filled with non gambling stuff. I guess it is the same with many others .

      I guess it would not be a good sign if we were gamble free and all our time was spend on “not gambling “. GT is here when we need the support.

      However I will stay checking in with GT as I don’t want to lose contact with the lovely people I have met on her, , I also like to remind myself of how far I have come and of course writing is therapeutic for me !

      I also try to make Charles group at least once a week – he is much less annoying when you are gamble free I find (joke Charles!). He reminds me of teachers- he takes our anger and our annoyance ( which is often easier to direct at others than ourselves ) and greets us with a smile and a welcome the next day . He is a bit like Dr Phil – he tells it as it is , but without the sting or the putdown that many of us find difficult to withhold.
      And he celebrates with us when we succeed !
      OMG Someone should put that man forward for one of those awards the queen of England gives out ! Take note GT staff!

      Onwards and upwards !

    • #44461
      Monica1
      Participant

      We become so much more aware of our feelings I think and self reflect a lot more. See my post today trying to examine why I had urges yesterday. It is small things during the course of our day that can have an effect.
      And yes, writing is therapeutic for us even if it makes us feel uncomfortable I think it helps us to express it. Catch up soon.

    • #44462
      i-did-it
      Participant

      My phone has gone crazy -it posted a just started post and deleted a long one – Monica I saw u had urges – I got a text from a casino and I had urges too- important thing is we didn’t gamble ! We are free and today I love that I have choices !

    • #44463
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Today I am feeling the after effects of too much red wine . My alcohol free May lasted 3 days .

      I feel a peace that has been unknown to me for almost a decade.

      I feel happy .

    • #44464
      finding_laura
      Participant

      Hi IDI,

      sorry, I lost touch for a week! I was busy enjoying my gamble free life visiting with cousins and aunts and uncles. Lunches out and girls night slumber parties with drinks and food and childhood memories. I was barely online and died every night my head hit the pillow. Quiet times here can be good, when it means most of us who have been here struggling are doing well. But we know there will always be someone else who will come by needing to know they are not alone. Enjoy that peace and happiness. Life may not be perfect, it will have ups and downs and anxious moments, but, look at you now 🙂 I should be around for group tonight if there is one at 10. If not I’ll try for the 11. Have a good evening xo

    • #44465
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Laura .

      I am thinking of moving home – to where Im from I was just earlier today imagining the life I would have – and then I read your post and it feels like a sign! I have no family near me and I miss having that extended family life. I have lots of friends but it’s different !

      I signed up to Gamstop- after several attempts I actually managed to register -I honestly felt a sense of loss when my registration came through. Now a few hours later I feel a new sense of freedom . I feel I can do anything I put my mind to . The monkey is off my back !
      I am going to keep my gambling blockers for now – you can’t be too safe .

      So today kinda feels like the start of my life ! I know people celebrate anniversaries of their first GA meeting but this kinda feels like a landmark for me . 27th May 2018 . I am registered until 27/5/ 23. I wonder how life will have changed by then- will I be getting ready to retire ? Will I still be in a financial mess? In a strange way it had given me a date to work towards!

    • #44466
      Monica1
      Participant

      I have just uploaded the rest of the documents of me holding my passport so 27th important day for me too. Most of the big stuff in my life happened on the 27th. I,hope in 5 years time we can look,and see where we are and have a virtual glass of champers in the Dominican Republic lol.
      Well done, this is an important milestone in keeping gambling free.

    • #44467
      finding_laura
      Participant

      Well done both of you on this big milestone!! So good to connect in chat IDI.

      Just reading your post regarding moving home. That would be a big change for sure. I can only tell you that when I go home I have some family that haven’t gotten together since the last time I was home. My coming seems to draw them together because I ask to see them!

      Just sharing, my addictions counselor had advised me not to make a big change in my life (such as marital status, big move etc) for a year if possible. Exceptions to the rul of course but I think it’s because of all of the moods swings and realizations we go through as we deal with our addiction.

      You will get where you want to go. It may just take a little time. You are still raising your family which is an expense! I am just gaining new financial options as my fledglings either start helping pay their way or will be getting shoved out of the nest lol

      Have a great week! Hopefully touch base. Laura xo

    • #44468
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Laura and Monica
      Laura you are so right – no big decisions.
      In truth I don’t think I am capable of making any decision .
      It takes me years to chose wallpaper- or make the slightest change to my house .
      I think this comes from the years of money being scarce – I am worried about making a mistake.
      Today I am feeling impatient for the things I want.
      I want them sooner than I can save so I am going to start selling off all the junk in my house
      It will also mean a good declutter over he next month or so .

      I have a lot do major expenses this month so will have to be very frugal . I am thinking of investing an hour before work each day on creating ads for the junk !

      I will report back how I get on !

      Feels like I’m taking control!

    • #44469
      Monica1
      Participant

      I need a new bed but I won’t do it till I know I have more money coming in than the six weeks work. I too have realised why I rarely buy things for the home and it is because of my skint earlier life and time spent living in squats where the decor and furniture was rather humble and meagre to say the least. I am going to change this habit so we are both doing the same things! . Pete has helped me clear a lot of clutter from my bedroom but I have a long way to go yet in the house. And none of it worth anything unless anyone wants a few years old monsoon clothes that are rarely worn or get it home, don’t like it sort of thing and never wear it. I do this a lot less than I did years ago though so that’s a change for the better. Aha, I have books, there is a site on the internet that takes books, 20 of my old books that I will never read are worth 20 quid. I got the packing stuff and never sent them cos I couldn’t carry them to the nearest site. But text books can go for a few bob.

    • #44470
      finding_laura
      Participant

      One more day to a gamble free May.

      Sounds a good way to solve two problems at once IDI, selling your unwanted things for cash.

      I don’t have much to sell. But slowly I am winning the fight to declutter. Most of the main floor has been done for a while now, but my bedroom could use a bit more decluttering, and I could get rid of paper from my office I’m sure. The basement level is a whole other story.

      Keep at it girls. You will get there!

    • #44471
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Monica and Laura – Last day of May and I’m starting a new thread – the title on this one reminds me too much of the old pacts on here which I never liked rather than the journal I intended it to be. I don’t want or need a pact  with anyone – I’m doing this for me because I deserve a good life as much as anyone else. And it is getting a little easier. Monica wrote something somewhere about earning big money and I have decided that is what  I need to do I need a second income stream and I need to be better paid for the amount of work that I do . I am no longer happy to advise / clean up messes after people who bring home salaries far greater than mine . I am going to get to where I need to be !

    • #44472
      finding_laura
      Participant

      I think I awakened from my gambling to remember that I am worthy and I can achieve what I set my mind to (understanding certain limitations like physical disability). I think it was being beaten down by life that made gambling the escape for me that it was.

      You deserve a thread that is for you and for your progress. And yes this did remind me of those month long pacts but I understand now that my recovery is about me and up to me. I also know that having the unfailing support of other here helps me to stay gamble free. So a pact with you and Monica and whoever else thought it might help them I was ok with.

      Tools. We need lots of tools in our tool box. We don’t all carry the same tool box nor should we need to. Here’s to another gamble free day. We will each have our own journey but it’s good to share sections of the path. Laura

    • #44473
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Your thread should be a journal of your recovery and experiences. Even though we all have the common thread of gambling, our life experiences and journeys are different. I look at my thread as a journal that I can re-read and learn from. It shows me how far I’ve come and my growth. You deserve a good life and happiness! Congrats on another gamble free month! You are doing awesome.

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