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So this isn’t my first time here. I created an account some 5-6 years ago when, at the time, I felt I’d hit my rock bottom. Because that’s the only time we seem to seek help right? When we’ve already slipped so far into the addiction it seems there’s absolutely no way out. Well I did find a way out all them years ago; I opened up to those closest to me and whilst it was the most difficult thing I had ever done, it was so worth it when I felt my life taking a step in a more normal direction.
Fast forward to today, I’m back at square zero. Only this time, I don’t feel I can confess to anyone. I think I could well lose everyone I love.
A bit about me: I’m a 29 year old female living in England. I have an incredible job with a very good wage and I live with my boyfriend of 5 years in a house he owns. I have a small but very decent group of friends, an older brother/sister and mum who I adore. I don’t have any children but would love them, just never been in a financial position to have time off work, I would go bankrupt. I don’t speak to my dad he’s a complete low life. Albeit as I write that, I’m thinking I’m no better.
I’ve been addicted to online slots for around 10 years. As I’ve said things got really bad a few years ago and I confessed to my mum and boyfriend. They were shocked and disturbed by the mess I had created, but surprisingly supportive. They helped me sort my debt (not by paying for any of it but consolidating so I could at least afford to live) and encouraged me to attend GA meetings. I went to them weekly for a few months and once I started seeing the light it all went wrong again.
In the last 3-4 years I’ve gone through a cycle of gambling, getting scared of the debt and stopping for a couple of months, then gambling again, getting scared again…. etc etc. At this moment in time I’m at the scared stage again. I have so many bills/loans due at the end of this month I don’t know how I’ll pay them. I’ve cancelled direct debits so that I know I can afford the more important payments. Rent to my boyfriend so he doesn’t get suspicious and a loan payment for which my sister is a guarantor. She has a home and two kids; I can’t let this affect her. I dread to think what my current debts are; between 30-40k I think. But I’ve probably lost 10x that over the last 10 years.
Anyone on the outside looking in on my life would have absolutely no idea of the state I’m in and have been in for so long. I’m the life of the party. I’m funny and carefree. I’m so supportive of my family and heavily invested in the happiness of those I love. I have lovely meals out and go on great holidays. Yet in secret I’ve been killing myself every day for so long. I don’t sleep, sometimes don’t eat for a couple of days at a time. I think about suicide every day but know I’ll never be able to do that to my family.
I’ll be 30 in 4 weeks time and as my present my boyfriend is taking me on he trip of a lifetime at the start of November. I’ve already given him my spending money to change currency so depending how the next few weeks go at least I may be able to end life on a happy high. My boyfriend is rubbish at keeping secrets (unlike me) and as a result I know he is planning on proposing to me whilst we’re away. I should be absolutely over the moon but instead I feel sick inside. I love him so deeply and have dreamt of the day it would happen, never did I think I would be contemplating saying no, because unbeknown to him, he can do soooo much better than me.
I’m well aware of all the things I ought to be doing to beat this addiction but have a reason/excuse for every one.
Blockers – my phone and my laptop are issued by work. If i install blockers will my work be notified? I don’t want them to know for the following reason:
Debt Plan – I am what’s classed as a ‘professional’ and my work contract states that I am prohibited from entering into any form my arrangement with my creditors. I could therefore lose my job.
Hand over access to money – my work requires travel and sometimes with not much notice at all, I therefore need access to money in order to carry out my duties.
Time – I have too much of that. My boyfriend runs his own business and is away most weeks Monday-Friday. I’m therefore on my own at home a lot or working away where I’m in hotel rooms alone.
I even signed up to the new ‘gamstop’ self exclusion scheme about 6 months ago but after a few weeks it was very easy to find various sites which aren’t signed up to it.
I wish I could focus my energy on perhaps getting fit or writing or anything more constructive but I have absolutely no motivation to do anything as much as I am to gamble. I don’t even enjoy it really. My heart pounds every time I make a deposit hoping this will be my ‘lucky’ day that I’ll hit the jackpot. I never ever do and even if I did I know it would only be a matter of time before I’m back to being scared again.
If I had really thrown myself into the lifeline of help I was given a few years ago my life would be completely different now. I’m petrified that this is going to shape every year moving forward. That I’ll never get married or have children or own my own home. I grew up with so many dreams and hopes, they seem impossible now.
Even as I write this I’m thinking about how I could possibly get more money to gamble. There have been times where I’ve waited up until 3am for my monthly wage to hit my account just so that I could use it to gamble before any of my direct debits start going out. Fortunately for me until now, I’ve always managed to ‘win’ enough to get me out of immediate trouble for that month. But by the next payday I’m back in the same cycle. My scheduled outgoings for the end of Oct are about £1000 more than I’ll have in my account so I’m thinking ‘just gamble with the wages when they go in so I can get at least £1000 more to put back into my account and cover the outgoings for another month’. It might work or it might not. But if I don’t try I’ll never know. Seems logical in my twisted mind.
I’m sick, tired and scared sh*tless of this life but my willpower just isn’t there. There’s a huge part of me that is desperate for this to finally stop and allow me to live a ‘normal’ happy life. But the smaller part of me that wants to suffer and continue to slowly kill me is so much louder and stronger.
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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
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Hi Drat, welldone on getting back here. The good news is that you know what works; keep posting, get back to your meetigns. This time remember that if we need help to stop gambing then it is also important to use support to help maintain recovery as well.
Keep posting, keep connecting to groups. You can stop gambling, one day at a time.
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Hi there
I just read your thread and can empathise with so much you said. I have had a restless night after my latest gambling bender last week.
Reading other threads and chatting to some other people on here over the last couple of days has been a massive help. I came onto the site on Sunday.
Its got to be all about getting a positive mindset and keeping it that way. As hard as it is we have to try and let go of the relationships, time, money lost because whatever position we are in things will only get worse if we carry on.
I am 50 now. If I had stopped gambling in my 30s I would probably still be married and still living near my mates. I got divorced, was broke, moved away to start again.
If I had stopped gambling in my 40s I would still be in another relationship and could be living a good life. I am skint again and had to move back in with my Dad!
From what I read you have so many positive things to focus on. If you carry on you will be endangering all that.
In all of my gambling I have never truly thought of the CONSEQUENCES of my actions. I have always got caught up in the whirlwind of yeh have a bet, go on, click play, click play again…… never understanding at the end I will ALWAYS lose
If we can change our ways, change our mindset. We will AT LEAST keep what we have now, our sanity, our life. For the rest of it then whatever will be, will be.
Take care, keep posting
Mark -
Hi Drat88, didn’t see your post today. Hope you are steeering clear of gambling.
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Hi
I just logged on and was looking at new posts.
You do sound like a very strong person who can come through all of this. I think everybody who has bounced back time and time again must be strong – like everybody on this site!!
To balance relationships, work, everything else and a gambling habit is pretty immense when you think about it!!
Imagine if we can finally get rid of the gambling habit!!
I would think you are drained by telling your story but I hope in some way it helped you. Sounds like you have had really tough times, have you been able to share this with anybody else because it is a lot to keep hold of?
Take care of yourself -
Hi Drat88,
Thank you for being willing to become vulnerable and open up to share your story. I can feel the pain and suffering that you are going through.
Let’s be strong and take one day at a time. I would encourage you to attend GA meeting if you had stopped going. In GA, you will see that addiction can affect anybody and you can learn other people recovery techniques.
Is today your 3rd day gambling free?
I wish you the best and take care.
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Your story is not unique. Sometimes the perfect storm of circumstances in life create the circumstances for the gambling to start. Mine was much later in life but it a dissatisfaction deep in my soul at how life had panned out and an anger and hurt within that was never shown to others. You need time to heal, I was told that at the start of my recovery And it is true.
I did the gma programme when I was 4months clean, so broke I needed the fare, from gma and sick in body and mind so depressed. You are young, life can turn around. There were a number of very smart women on The programme whose lives had been destroyed by this addiction. Gma will give you the space to talk about your life. You have quite a few counselling sessions which will be really helpful. You will end up forgiving your father in time, hatred for anyone hurts you, no one else. Surrendering to our higher power and turning to it is the way out of the darkness. There is a way and you will find it. -
Hi drat you have certainly had a rough time throughout your short life and i totally sympathise with you. It’s good your so close to GMA i have heard thats the place to go if your serious about quitting this horrific addiction. Also if your serious about getting yourself out of debt go through “STEPCHANGE” they are a free debt management company who will guide you through everything , you make a payment to them every month and they pay your creditors. Hope this helps.
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