Here we are again.

 

Well here we are again. I eventually got moved into my new flat/bedsit about 2 weeks ago. In the same period I have also fallen drastically in terms of my recovery. I have let it get back into my life, and, as usual have ended up in the most ridiculous and pathetic predicament. My life has caved in around me in no small way. I am sick; not in the “Oh I’ve got an illness so therefore it’s to be expected,” way. But sick as in degrading vile and unbelievable. I give up on myself, I really do. I just can not be bothered with it anymore. Last Christmas was the only one I’ve ever had free from gambling but I’ve made up for it tenfold this year.
I know the things I need to do, but today I just want to run away and die, no actually thats a lie, what I want to do today is gamble with my last twenty pound to try and win back the thousand pound I’ve spent since Friday, but if I did win it I wouldn’t be content I’d also want to win back the other grand I’ve spent in small chunks over the preceeding couple of weeks. I had worked hard on my recovery, but not hard enough.
The worst of it is its going to have a devastating effect on my family who have ended up being shat on from a great height yet again. To do this to myself is one thing but to do it to them after all I’ve put them through is just obscene.
In the last few weeks I have gotten a credit card (had this since Saturday), obviously maxed out already, a payday loan due on Friday, a small personal loan (small lol, £400 pay back £600) and two crisis loans from DWP. On top of my wages and benefits which were paid into my bank account 3hrs ago and are now in Ladbrokes online coffers.
Before anybody suggests self exclusion I am self excluded from every single uk online poker room and the vast majority of others. The online account I’ve just used is a “friends”

I have K9 installed on my laptop but I’ve learnt how to navigate around it.
I should have went to Newcastle on Saturday but instead stopped here to gamble, telling my Mam that I couldn’t get to the station because of the weather, I then told her I re-booked my ticket for today, my daughters expecting me as is my 2 year old grandson. Do I tell them the truth as to why I’m not going or tell lies. Lol I have to laugh at that stupid question, I have to tell them the truth of course.
I’m quite sure I’ve only given up on myself as a temporary measure but at the minute I’m wondering is it all worth while. I really honestly think that I’d be better off dead than living like this. I’m not running off to top myself but I really wish I had done so years ago or that one of the “baddies” I had off had done away with me.
I was in a scrape a few years ago and this bloke I had ripped off had me in his garage and said if I couldn’t get his money sorted there and then he would shoot me, he wasn’t kidding either the same man is doing life (14 years) for murder. Anyway I rang my folks and they bailed me out. If they hadn’t have done I would of been dead there is no doubt in my mind. Some of my family members told my folks not to do it, it is enabling they said. Well I see that they were right now because if my folks couldn’t or wouldn’t have paid the money I would be dead and wouldn’t ever have been able to gamble again. I was relieved and pleased at the time but how I wish I hadn’t have asked them now.
Maybe just maybe this post will serve as a good reminder to me in the coming months as to how low I have sunk in such a short space of time. My awareness is there but I have chosen to ignore what I know countless times recently.
I believe that everybody can change, there are many forum users to bear testament to that. I know that I can but just for today I can’t face life.
Geordie.