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I got married rather late in life, at age 34 after a string of bad relationships and abusive boyfriends. I had finally decided I needed to stop casual dating and start looking for someone I could spend the rest of my life with. That’s how I met my husband online, on a ‘matrimonial site’ in India.
Things went so well in the beginning. He was funny, sweet, charming, always knew what to say. He also seemed to be in a hurry to settle down. Our families were from the same town so we had a lot in common and I found from common friends that his family was terrific. So I went with it and we were engaged in just 4 months. I made him wait another 6 months before we got married and despite my suspicions about the fact he didnt have a job or any savings of his own I took the plunge because I thought here is someone I can spend the rest of my life with.
2 years into the marriage and all his promises have turned out to be empty. He never got a job, instead left me to work 3 jobs to pay all the bills. He never gave me a child as he had promised we would have one, kept putting it off until we were ‘financially stable’. He racked up debt on both my credit cards and paid only partially so my credit score went to the ground. We have had absolutely no savings in our time together and he always was flying out of town ‘on business’ several times a month.
January of this year I had had enough and decided to put my foot down. Asked him to leave home and work on getting a job before we could live together again. He made himself look like the aggrieved party and spent so much time trying to convince me, my parents and his parents that I was being unreasonable. He moved back in with his parents and spent weeks ignoring me, didnt seem to be applying for jobs, wasnt agreeing to go with me for marriage counselling. In March I discovered my diamond jewellery was missing. I confronted my husband and he vehemently denied it, calling me crazy and careless with my possessions.
It was only when I threatened I would go to the police that he broke down and confessed to his parents and mine that HE HAD PAWNED MY JEWELLERY (in Oct last year when things were normal between us!) AND HAD BEEN GAMBLING ON HIS SECRET TRIPS! My world fell apart. All this time I thought he was just financially irresponsible, I had no idea he was an addict. I remembered how he had told me back when we met that he had fallen into gambling debt in Australia that his dad bailed him out of. This whole time his family had been enabling him and keeping me in the dark about a suspected relapse. I asked for a divorce immediately and haven’t looked back since.
What pains me is this whole time he never once thought of me, of us, of the good times we had. It is like the whole relationship was a sham to just bamboozle money out of my relatives in my name (which he did behind my back, he even sold my dads car when my dad had a heart surgery and we needed the funds, and kept the money for himself!) He used his family and me for money – I’ve given him my annual bonus. He lied to me when I asked him if he was gambling again; he would always make me look like the guilty one instead of acknowledging my fears.
I’m glad I’m out of his path of self destruction but I am sad and lonely. I loved him and cannot even now imagine my future without him. I wanted to put my story out there to so many women on this forum I see like me who are torn between accepting their partners addiction or calling it quits. Calling it quits isnt easy. It is a path of great pain. But it will protect you from further abuse. Everyday I have to remind myself why I made this decision and how best to stand by it. I’m in therapy and going on little vacations for my mental health and have supportive friends and family. None of this really helps when your CG partner made your world revolve around him 🙂
But I look forward to a day when I can breathe without bursting into tears thinking of him, and can thank myself for taking the right step.
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Hello Priloza
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
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Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
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We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
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“None of this really helps when your CG partner made your world revolve around him :)” I can’t agree with you more. Today, I discovered my husband’s gambling – It is the first time to see his spending to high street betting shops and online gambling. So, I don’t know it is a start or discovery of the ongoing hidden problem. Though I have had a suspicion about gambling as he spent too much for scratch cards when we had little money; now our financial condition is ok as we both work. I am struggling to come to terms with what I found. I confronted him. He said “It is one off. You should not worry. I am not stupid. I know how to manage.” However, I am not convinced at all as that attitude is a typical manipulation / self-lie of a gambler, I think. My heart is broken as I have trusted(or tried very hard to trust) him for 5 years to save this relationship. Really sad. Really really sad.
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Hi Priloza
I often say that if you don’t know whether to go or to stay in a relationship then it is time to stand still until you do. Use your time to gain knowledge of the addiction that is hurting you and then make an informed decision on your future. You have done this Prizola and although I appreciate that you are sad, I believe that you know that you have made the right decision for you and probably for you husband and for that reason I applaud your action.
It is easy for others to say that the signs were there but I know from personal experience that even with the signs in neon lights, emblazoned across the sky, it is not always possible to recognise a compulsive gambler until it is, often, too late.
Your ex-husband’s family’s denial is, of course, horrible but sadly it is understandable – they probably hoped you would succeed where they thought they had failed. They will have to live with their son knowing that they did not help you but that is their problem – not yours.
I don’t believe your whole relationship was a sham because until your husband learns to control his addiction it is not possible to know what is truly in his heart. A compulsive gambler can love deeply but the unasked for and unwanted addiction is corrosive and all-encompassing. The addiction demands feeding at all costs and grows as it is fed, destroying homes, families and lives. What is in the heart of the gambler cannot be known when he is driven by addiction and out of control.
Use this experience only as a reference Priloza but don’t dwell in that unhappy past – you have a life ahead of you and if you allow it to do so, this experience can be a great education.
Velvet -
I am so sorry you are going through this. I admire your strength to leave. I wish I had that at the moment.
I think it is smart and lucky that you can leave and get out of the marriage.
I have been married for 20 years this July, I have two young kids, and my husband is a gambling addict. I confronted him almost one year ago exactly. I have been dependent on his income as I only work part time. To leave him will be very difficult. I feel like leaving would be best for my kids, but it scares me. I have to get a good job first and make sure I can pay for every bill myself. My CG husband ruined my credit, blames me for his addiction, and has told his entire family that he borrows money from them because I don’t make enough to help support the family. So they think I am a terrible person and have told me that they would have divorced me a long time ago, and that my CG husband has been too tolerant.. It has been so painful to live with this addiction. His family has given him hundreds of thousands of dollars through the years. It’s insane how they helped him hide the gambling. They don’t believe he has a problem. To them, I am the problem. I pray for the same strength that you have to leave. I am scared, but I want to leave with my kids. I have asked him to leVe but he won’t move out. I have been lied to for years about every little thing. How did you find the strength to get out? -
Hi Momoftwogreatkids
You ask how another member gets strength to act – I believe that joining this forum is an excellent way to gain strength.
Unfortunately, you have not started your own thread and so I am unable to give you the support that you deserve because that would be wrong on somebody else’s thread.
Please start your own thread – scroll to the bottom of the forum page and click on ‘New Topic’, write a title for your thread and put your post in the box – you can copy and paste the posts you have sent to other members if it makes it easier. Scroll down and click on ‘save’ and your message will be heard.
There are many ways to gain strength Momo – not least sharing with those who understand and do not judge. I hope you will start your own thread – it will be great to support you.
Velvet -
Ok I will try this . Thanks!
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