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    • #31351
      Mich95
      Participant

      So today is the day. I’m tired of being anxious. I don’t want to lie anymore. Not to myself. Not to my loved ones. I’ve put a whole lot of road blocks in my way to stop myself from gambling, but I’m clever and have found lots of work arounds. I gave up the finances to my husband a couple months ago. I had a separate debit account so I could not transfer funds from the household funds. I cut up all the credit cards. And I still figured out how to cash advance myself to my account. Or I’d deposit checks if I could get ahold of them. Today I cash advanced to my account for the last time. I cut up the debit card. My husband will provide me with a pre purchased debit card that I cannot get cash back on from now on so I will have funds for gas or groceries. Etc. Today I need to start a new life. Today I need to accept I am not able to trust myself. I’ve made promises over and over that I have not kept. Today I will accept that I cannot recover alone.

      It does not make sense to me. I’ve always been the strong one. I’ve always been the mama. I’ve been the one that seldom asked for help and busted my tail to earn my way. I’ve done hard things before. I put myself through school by joining the military. Perservered and got my masters to try to make a better life for my family. To make a better living and to hopefully have more time for family.

      My gambling started 2 years ago. My Dad and stepmom were gamblers and my Dad made the comment that he goes weekly and wins 1500$ or so often. My husband and I both have good jobs. Actually I make almost double his salary. But we had acquired debt from my grad school. We adopted a child during that time so I had cut back working and we lived off school loans ( they would not loans us much due to our working incomes prior) I borrowed on and used credit cards to live of and pay bills at the time. Foolishly. Naively. I thought I’d pay that off in no time once out of school and working. But we ended up moving for me to get that better paying job to an area with a higher cost of living. Our mortgage doubled. And so it goes.

      So back to 2 years ago. I guess it was midlife crisis. My oldest was graduating and about to head to university. I had a hysterectomy due to some health issues. My bullshit tolerance level got low at work. I got tired of being the one everyone comes to for emotional support in my family. I just wanted to win a jackpot and pay off the debt and cut back on working. When I review my feelings I see that I resent always being the “helper” but no one recognizing I could use a lift…a little help too. At the same time I never asked for help. I just started going to win that money that was going to give me the freedom to rest.

      Well I don’t think I have to explain that that was not what happened. I won a few little jackpots, but numbed away thousands of dollars. Then it became the addiction. The total inability to stop. The need to continue playing win or lose. Haha, those famous last words…I’ll leave while I’m ahead. It’s to the point that I can only leave when I have nothing left to play with. I’ve maxed out all our cards and a few I opened along the way too. I’ve destroyed our credit rating. We can pay our bills and thanks to hubby the debt payments are all current. He got an extra part time job and has been trying to do a debt snowball. And we could make some headway if I would quit shooting us/myself in the foot.

      So here I am. I need help. I am blessed with a supportive husband who is doing all he can to help me . My parents are aware of my problem, but honestly either I hide how bad it has gotten or they just don’t care. They don’t ask how I am doing. My mom is too worried about my train wreck sister and her problems. That’s all she will ever talk to me about. That and about her divorce from my stepfather that was like 7-8 years ago. I feel like I’m not allowed to have problems or stress. I’ve always handled it so why should now be any different? My Dad is still mourning the loss of my stepmother who died 2 and a half years ago. She never allowed him to be very close to me growing up, so while I love him and he loves me there is a definite distance between us.

      All this saga could go on for pages. I can type pages and vent later. I need to redirect myself to focusing on what action I can take to recover. First the debit is gone and that will limit my ability to get cash. Second I need to get re-established with a therapist. I had one who was “fair” but then changed insurance and she was not on my plan so I have not been to see another. I need to cease the worry about what is done and stay forward facing. I need to be able to do something productive with cravings. I need to get enough sleep and focus on eating better. I need to do a lot but for now I will focus on those things. So I don’t get overwhelmed. I know I can do hard things….need to stop using the wishbone and start using the backbone!

    • #31352
      finding_laura
      Participant

      hi Mich, sounds like you are making the next right choice. Usually we have made life so overwhelming ( by adding to the already overwhelming factors in our life) that it comes down to just trying to make the next right choice. One step at a time. You have taken quite a few, the debit card being the latest. Finding a good therapist that will put the focus on you sounds like another good step. It is not uncommon for the strong care taker type personality to succumb to gambling addiction. I would say that describes me as well. A few others here I know also. I think part of it is that no one is taking care of us the way we take care of them. I’m glad to hear that your husband is being so supportive and was able to step in and take over the finances. You can do this! Just keep focusing on the next right choice for you and your recovery. All the best, Laura

    • #31353
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      <

      Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

      Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

      Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

      And on that note….

      I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

      Take care

      The Gambling Therapy Team


      PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
      privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    • #31354
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Hi Mich, I am glad that you found this site! GT has helped me immensely. You are putting a lot of barriers in place and that is great! You need to focus on yourself right now. This addiction is horrible and sucks the life right out of you if you let it! Having your Husband being supportive of you is a great plus. Would you consider going to GA? It was of great help for me. It seems like we all have some form of family dysfunction. Try to focus on yourself now. Please post here often and read other’s threads as it is very helpful. Remember that we are all here and support you. Take care.

    • #31355
      Mich95
      Participant

      I went to a GA meeting about a year ago. It was very small and most of the members had been in recovery for years. Like 10-12,15 years. The newest member was in recovery about 5 years. They were very sweet, but I did not feel at all like I could relate . They seemed to be in a place where they all were just “catching up”. Perhaps I could try another meeting.

    • #31356
      Mich95
      Participant

      Thanks for the welcome! I think you are so right Laura about the strong care taker type being susceptible to gambling addiction. I think that the numbing element plays a huge role and then the neurochemicals or whatever takes over. It is quite bizarre to me as I tend to think of myself as a “control freak” or someone who likes to be prepared and to plan to avoid anxiety. However, no matter how many times I say will stop while ahead or stop after a set amount–I don’t. I can’t . These past few months I have gone with that intent almost in an attempt to “prove” that I have that strength. Sadly…addiction is stronger (at this point). Isn’t it funny how we have a perception of what addiction is when it comes to others, and yet a skewed perception that we are somehow impermeable. I have read some of the stories here and some inspire me. And in some ways I feel scared. I don’t want gambling addiction to be holding space in my life forever. I don’t like to envision myself thinking and craving going forever. I guess recovery looks different for each person, and frankly that’s me WORRYING about the future instead of facing the NOW. Perfectionism is about the last thing I should worry about right now. I am really trying to embrace Brene Brown’s idea that perfection can be our worst enemy.

      I ate better today and did not go to casino. I did not call any therapists yet. I will make its goal to get that done before the end of the week.

      I went by one of the sister’s houses on the way home an happened to see a check in the top of her purse. I could tell the writing on the back that said “for deposit only” was my mothers hand writing. I did not see the amount but it irked me to know she continues to pay for whatever my sister needs when she too is an adult, with a job. She does not ask my mom for money but my mom loves having that to hold over her head. Enabler. Lizbeth..yep there does seem to be the family dysfunction that we all seem to have. I think learning to let some of that go will help me in my recovery. Prayers I can find the right therapist for help on that.

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