I don`t know where to start and I for sure don`t know how to finish. But i will do my best to get it all out there in hopes that i find someone who can reach me.

My name is Ana, i am 30 years old since last week and i feel like I’m in a circle that I can’t break.

I was born and raised in Romania, had it a little hard growing up but i am very proud of my life up until 3/4 years ago when i pissed my life away and started gambling.

At the core I am the person who always need some other person to focus on, someone to care for and help. I’ve always got myself mixed in bad situations so I can help others but it seems to me that I am unable to help myself.

I think everything started bad for me in 2013 when i fell for a sick person, this person took from me in 3 years my ability to think about myself, made me a scared person and because of that relationship i have some health problems.
She’s somewhat older than me and when I met her she was just destroying herself. She had Diabetes ( type 1 ) since she was little, with no regard for her health she was living a night life as a dancer, drinking so much that a normal person
could have fallen ill, smoking, having what she said “FUN”.

I’ve made it my life’s mission to help her get on the right path so she won’t go in the ground so fast. The problem is that it was to late ….
In a matter of months she was a normal person, no more drinking, no more night life, she started eating better for her disease, we fell in love, I’ve made her biggest dream come true ( go to Disneyland ), everything seemed perfect.
Until one morning not long after she called me and told me she can’t see shit.
From that morning came 2 years of hell. Her diabetes activated fast and she had all the complication of the disease come to her one by one in 3 months, in very shot time she was almost blind, her kidneys were shutting down, depression came
after a small amount of time, suicide attempts ( cries for help ) , comas and I was the only soul to care for her. I’ve spent so many month in despair, emergency rooms, mental hospitals, ambulances, all of it until i was the one fighting for my life.

One day, I met someone, the love of my life, my partner now, this is the most amazing person that I have ever met. I found someone that loves me, supports me, want to see me grow, be there for me, it’s everything that anyone hopes to find in a lifetime.
She was next to me since the day i have met her and helped me help my X and helped me to see that there was nothing more i could do and that it was not my fault. Nothing was my fault. She is now friends with my X, we are still helping her here and there
with small things that we can.

The problem is somewhere on the line i lost myself. I know what is wrong, but I can’t seem to stop and can’t fix it.
In the disaster with hospitals and everything the constant fear killed something in me, I was always borrowing money to help her, pay everything, keep her alive. I was desperate, for years i had to find money every day and I usually had no money for me
to even buy a bottle of water. I sold stuff, i managed to get myself in such a depth I don’t think I can ever recover.

Regardless, I got the dream, I got the perfect person by my side, we moved together on our first date and have never been apart ( it’s 4 years now ). She’s nothing like me, she is grounded, always working and paying bills, thinking of everything, she’s
the perfect fit for me ( the normal ME ). I love her so much i would die for her in a second, but with all of that I can’t get myself do this one simple thing for her, STOP THROWING MONEY AWAY ! GAMBLE!

After a short while. after i distanced myself from the situation that killed me, everything was well, it was perfect, so perfect that I think I couldn’t handle it. So one day I entered a casino … slots. And there I died.

It seems to me that no matter what I do I am stuck, 3 years I’ve been going back every chance I get. Obviously I lost my money, borrowed money, my girlfriends money, my family’s money, i sold stuff, pound stuff. The works. This i don’t feel like i need to
explain cause we’re all the same.
I’ve lied, so much, that is what is killing me, cause it’s not easy borrowing money all the time.. I’ve used my health problems to get money from my family… I don’t feel like i deserve anything from anyone at this point. I should be dog food.

Anyway, back to the point.
3 Years into this relationship I was so much in dept in Romania and the pay is very low, I was putting everything in casinos to try and make more so I can pay everything back. It’s the way I started and it’s still going on.
Made a lot of dept because of hospitals and helping someone > entered casino to try and make a miracle > kept on going to try and fix everything.
So , we I made a choice, let’s leave!

Everything was fine, we left Romania, got money from my brother, he helped us move in the UK, got here, got jobs, we rented a house, brought our pets, 5 months I didn’t enter a casino. I’ve not lost 1 pound. I was so proud, I was on the right track.
After 5 months I’ve come across a casino, and said what harm can it do if i play 20 pounds ? So I went in, and i won 500 pound. I took the money, went home, got the girlfriend and went shopping. Everything was fine. Didn’t go back again for some weeks.
The something changed, I started to have some problems at work, didn’t have enough money to pay everything, my mother needs me to send her money monthly to pay bank loans in Romania and a lot of other stuff cause she has a very small pension.
Her aunt died, my grandfather died, things started to spin very fast and I needed money.
I tried to borrow money but no one could or wanted to help, I tried to take a bank loan but I’m very new in the UK so no one gave me one. I tried everything, I got back in that state of despair. Every day wake up and think how you can make more money.

The feeling got me back in a very dark place and I cracked. Went back in the casino as my only hope. One day I win, 4 days I lose. I lost my wages 3 months in a row, started to lie again, but I can’t stop.

3 days ago i went in with 50 pounds and I made 1.500 pounds. Took them, went home, didn’t do anything with them for 2 days. Then i woke up yesterday , took the money and went to the bank to put them in the bank account and pay my rent and stuff.
I got at the bank at 9:00, the bank was opening at 9:30. The casino was next to the bank.. “what if i go in, play 100 pounds and make more?” well .. i went in and lost everything.

I can’t stop myself… I am in dept 10.000 pounds now, but I need 5.000 pounds to be ok, to reset. To pay everything that is urgent and stop going. I can’t get this money, no one will lent it to me, not a bank not a person. So i am stuck, again, only hope
is to win it.

This is my circle. I need to end this…