I'm not giving up!

I'm starting my new thread earlier than I had anticipated. I've had 1 counseling session. Thankfully, I was able to get in quickly due to a cancellation. There is only one place in town that I can go. My counselor seems nice. I'm not sure if we click or not. It's too early for me to determine. I'm not holding back! I feel like this is the first time that I have been totally truthful and not sugar coated anything. My insurance will pay for 16 sessions. Which I am grateful for. I've decided to only buy Xmas gifts for the Grandkids. No adult presents. Everyone agrees. This makes it more stress free. I'd rather give gifts to my children for their birthdays. So I'm still fighting! Not giving in. I am very hopeful!!!


I am a worrier! Big time and about everything. I put a lot of stress on myself. Unrealistic expectations!!! Worrying takes away your peace and doesn't change anything. I need to have faith! Whatever happens is going to happen. So, I am doing relaxation exercises and meditating again. I cause a lot of my own stress. I have to keep working on this!


Very happy to see your new thread! And that you are trying something different. Sometimes we just get stuck I think and if what you were doing wasn't working then trying something different like adding counseling that is just for you is a great step. There's different sayings or quotes about worry, but I like this one. "Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy" - Leo Buscaglia There are many takes on it so I'm sure you've heard it before. I'm not a big worrier. I'm more fly by the seat of my pants a little too much. But if i start to worry about something that I cannot change I'm pretty good at letting it go. Now stewing about things in anger or resentment, now that is something I'm very good at. Took up too much of my head space. I need to start meditating. Today's feel good activity is going to be a walk in the woods with my old faithful. Her days are numbered and walking is getting harder for her but she loves it and it's good for both of us. I AM really happy to see you here Liz and you're not giving up! You deserve to be happy and as stress free as possible. Have a great weekend. Laura


Thanks Laura for your post. Have a good walk! I felt stuck and that nothing was working. This feels like a new start! I've imposed many of my stressors on myself. I want to be true to myself. Honestly, the stress in my life has taken a toll on me! I've aged so much in the last few years. I don't think I am living for the present. I'm lost! I need to let go of my expectations of other people or I will always be disappointed. I have a lot to learn and work on. Today I'm getting my Xmas tree and decorations out. I have so much stuff. I'm going through it all and selling what I don't use. Tomorrow my Granddaughter is having her pics taken with Santa. It will be fun!


Hi Lizbeth,

When I read on Laura's thread that you were closing your old thread I went rushing to write on there . I am so glad you opened a new thread - Christmas creates such pressure so it is a great decision to just buy for the grandkids .


The counselling also sounds like a great decision- as Laura says it's good to add something new .


I am so glad you are here posting - I have been on this site for many years and I love catching up on your thread.

Please let us know how the counselling goes - I haven't ever really tried counselling since I developed this addiction .


So glad to see you still posting Lizbeth .


Thanks i-did-it for your post! I've done counseling before for my gambling but I didn't follow though. I agree with Laura, it's good to add something new. If it doesn't work, you can try something else. Today I was put to the test. My youngest Daughter was venting to me about someone. I listened, although my first reaction was to try and fix it. She asked for my opinion and I told her she needed to clear the air with that person and try to work things out. I wasn't stressed or worried about how I could fix the situation. A biggie for me! I have pulled out all of my Xmas decorations and have everything scattered about my living room. I'm going to get the tree up and decorated this evening. A lot to do!


I’ve missed everything! I have been in a bit of a funk since my trip. I’ve found it very hard to get back into my normal routine and I’m sorry, it seems you have been going through an awful lot and I wasn’t here to support you. But.....here I am now.

Unrealistic expectations.....the story of my life.

I have spent my life being dissapointed, heartbroken, sad, mad, you name it.

I could never understand why people would treat me a certain way, because I would never treat them that way.

I haven’t learnt much, and still struggle with this but what I have learnt is the only person I can change is me, and I am the owner of my own happiness. This has helped to a degree, and I’m getting better at it.

I’m glad you are going to councilling, and I truly wish that it helps you find what you need to be happy in this life.

Love K xxx


Thanks Kathryn. I'm glad you had a great vacation. You deserve it! You have been my Great supporter here!! I truly appreciate it! I'm feeling a bit low today! There are some things (self imposed) that I am dealing with right now. I know I will get through this and come out better than before. I know I'm in control of my own happiness. It's taken me a long time to realize this. Today, my Granddaughter is getting her picture taken with Santa. Fun! I'm trying to live in the moment.


Hi Liz,

I hope you enjoy picture time. They grow so fast. It's good to be there and not missing the memory making. I hope she doesn't cry! I have a quiet few hours before supper so I'm going to do a little reading and posting before supper. We can't control what life throws at us, we can only control how we react to it. Keep working on your happiness Liz. Laura


Lizbeth I am so very glad you have started a new thread, I know I havent posted much over the last few months but I read everyday.........sometimes I really want to share but I havent been in a great place over the last few months so have decided to stay quite.


I hope you are doing well and like I say I am so very glad you have started a new thread, please make sure you always stay around as this site is a great way to share how we feel......and guess what if people say things about us we dont agree with then thats great because "what other people think about us is their problem not ours"


Really good to see you Lizbeth as always and wish u well my friend, hope this finds you well and remember we can only ever take our lives one day at a time!


All my very best


Maverick


Thanks Laura and Maverick for your posts. She did cry when getting her pics taken with Santa. Just like her Mom did. I'm struggling this afternoon. My Mother and I just had the worse blow out. She became aggressive while I was holding my Granddaughter. She told me to get out and never come back. She tried to hit me! It's not Alzheimer's as she has been like this all of my life. I'm done!


I made it through the gambling urges. I have my Xmas tree decorated and I'm in my PJs watching TV. So there's no gambling for me! I reread a article about toxic and dysfunctional family members. It helped! It's so draining and if I let it, I will be destroyed. It's just sad as our birthdays and Xmas is coming up. There has always been a underlying anger that she has against me. There's no discussing it as she gets defensive and mad. I'm no angel as I have said many awful things in return to her outbursts. Well it's done! I feel terrible that it happened but I am going to distance myself again. I'm so envious of people who have close relationships with their Mothers. It should be like that!!


Hi Liz,

you are right. It should be like that. I can't believe your mother raised her hand to you. And with a baby in your arms as well! That would be terribly upsetting. No wonder you have to keep your distance most of the time. I'm glad you found a way to cope with the feelings other than gambling! Thanks for letting us know you made out ok. You can control your actions or reactions not her behaviour. Keep going know that you are doing the best you can with the circumstance you have been given. Good night Liz


Thanks Laura for checking in on me. I'm ok. Just snacking and watching TV. I'm going to be alright. I'm happy that I haven't gambled to cope. I know that some of the dysfunction has rubbed off on me. How could it not when I grew up in that mess? I have to keep working on me! It's sad and horrible!


Today I'm watching my Granddaughter. I feel so sad and broken inside. How did things end up like this? Yesterday a lot of mean things were said between my Mother and I. Some of it was true and some was said out of anger. This really puts the damper on Xmas. My oldest Daughter and I aren't on the greatest of terms. I would like to call everything off except for my Grandson. What to Do? When I stopped being the doormat for my family, many of my relationships changed. I haven't gambled. I'm staying strong!


Oh Liz :( so hard. It seems like such a normal thing to want a good relationship with your mother and daughter.

Sometimes people are just a little broken. Either in how they are made up mentally or due to their circumstances. And as much as we'd like to fix them we can't. There is a always a possibility that they may chose to work on themselves. Again we can't force that issue. So as horrible as it makes you feel, setting some boundaries is healthy for you.

If you feel you said some things to your mother you shouldn't have maybe an apology is in order. But only you know if that will stir the pot. You will likely not get one back from what you have said but sometimes we just have to forgive them! For your own sanity and know that you are forgiven too, if by no one else than yourself!

Rambling a little so hope that makes sense. Change is scary Liz! But being stuck is worse.

take care,

Laura


Thanks Laura. What you say makes sense. I tried to apologize for the angry things I said to her. To no avail. I'm going to give myself till next Monday to decide whether I'm having Xmas at my house. I'd rather be alone than to deal with conflicts. I think I am broken in many ways. I want to grow and change. I don't want to stay stuck. I've set boundaries but I need to set more! I'm invited to a Xmas party tomorrow evening. I'm looking forward to it and meeting new people. My Granddaughter is sleeping. Such a beauty and so sweet. I have a lot of blessings in my life! I can't lose sight of that.


Lizbeth ,

My mind boggles when I think how you adapt to so many generations .

Some people have the ability to press our buttons ( as u will have seen in my recent dealings on here lol)... and it is easy not to react when you are not in the middle of it- another story when it's you getting the abuse and especially from your own flesh and blood . Then things can get very hot and and many knees jerk reactions happen. Don't punish yourself - your mum and you obviously love each -if it helps you to say sorry then do so - you are right about boundaries - no one has the right to judge us or say unkind things - that doesn't stop them though and then it's a great idea to strengthen boundaries .


Thanks i-did-it. Since she won't talk to me, I've send her a card. I apologized for acting out of anger. I kept it short. It may mean nothing to her but now I feel like I have a free conscious. It's a vicious cycle. If I keep my distance she gets upset. If I try to talk to her, she gets defensive and digs up anything bad to throw at me. When she apologizes she says if I've done anything wrong I'm sorry. It doesn't mean anything. I was sexually abused as a child by a family member and she refuses to acknowledge it although she knew about it afterwards. That among other heavy things from my childhood I believe fuel my anger. There is no compassion, empathy from her. She says, if that happened, I'm sorry. My feeling can't be dismissed. My Sister is 5 years younger than me and remembers these awful things. Thankfully, they were not done to her, except for my Mom's 4 dysfunctional marriages that we endured. Nothing she can say will stop the bad feelings but to always be dismissed is sad. This is something that I am working on in counseling. I don't want to have guilt when she dies that I couldn't forgive her. I don't want my life screwed up anymore with the gambling. No more self destructive behaviors.


Lizbeth ,

Many people find it hard to admit when they are wrong - I guess it's a character fault - or maybe a defence mechanism- because to admit it once might open the floodgates - and perhaps we would have to admit to ourselves how we have failed as mothers or in other relationships .

Sometimes I feel like that - I can't bear to think about how my gambling has affected my son- but I know it has but if I allowed myself to go there -I don't know if I could stop the guilt . It sounds like your mother knows only too well deep down but can't face the whole truth.

I think our biggest failure as parents is not to protect our children,but I guess sometimes we don't recognise the danger.

It sounds like your mother needed her relationships just like we needed gambling - the dream of something better perhaps .

I am Really only rambling- trying to make sense of it .

I know however , that your mother being nasty is far more honest that those mothers who set themselves up as holier that thou - she must have her pain too. Perhaps her own childhood left her unable to express love appropriately .

I don't know - but I do know of a little girl and boy who are blessed to have a loving grandmother like you .

I wish u would come to some groups - it sos much easier to talk there


I am glad to see you are bouncing back, Lizbeth.

When we feel hurt, we often blame others. Nobody has the power to make you unhappy (or happy, either!)unless you give them that power. We are conditioned to believe the opposite from an early age in our society. When I feel hurt, the hurt is in me, Lizbeth. Not in the other person. I learned that a long time ago. It takes wisdom to put it into practice. When you understand that, your heart will be filled with compassion and you will be FREE!

You are always in my prayers, Lizbeth. We need to reclaim our power. That often means letting go.


Thanks i-did-it and Vera for your posts! I-did-it, I agree with a lot that you said. My Mother is dealing with everything the best she can. I feel she shut down emotionally a long time ago. I repeated a lot that saw as a child. I've had 2 dysfunctional marriages. It affected both of my Daughters I'm sure. Vera, I understand for me to have peace, I have to let go. That is why I decided to go back to counseling. It's hard because i feel like my Mother didn't protect me from evil as a child and wanted me to pretend that our lives were perfect. It goes further into our relationship now as she is always lashing out at me. It's hard to take it as it happens anytime I'm around her. I truly believe that she hates me. She's had a lot of problems with my Sister and her siblings (All of who are dead) Maybe she was molested as a child?? She will never open up though. I've apologized for getting angry with her but she won't acknowledge it. Becauser in het mind she's done nothing wrong. I-did-it, I'm going to look at the times of the groups. I'm willing to give it another try.


Thanks i-did-it and Vera for your posts! I-did-it, I agree with a lot that you said. My Mother is dealing with everything the best she can. I feel she shut down emotionally a long time ago. I repeated a lot that saw as a child. I've had 2 dysfunctional marriages. It affected both of my Daughters I'm sure. Vera, I understand for me to have peace, I have to let go. That is why I decided to go back to counseling. It's hard because i feel like my Mother didn't protect me from evil as a child and wanted me to pretend that our lives were perfect. It goes further into our relationship now as she is always lashing out at me. It's hard to take it as it happens anytime I'm around her. I truly believe that she hates me. She's had a lot of problems with my Sister and her siblings (All of who are dead) Maybe she was molested as a child?? She will never open up though. I've apologized for getting angry with her but she won't acknowledge it. Becauser in het mind she's done nothing wrong. I-did-it, I'm going to look at the times of the groups. I'm willing to give it another try.


So my Sister just called and said she is coming on Friday for the weekend. She just started talking to my Mom again after 6 Months because of my Mom's outburst. I filled her in about what's going on. She is staying with me. She said she's going to the casino while she s here. She knows of my problem. I told her I wasn't going. She's going to try and get my Mom and me back together??? I'm not ready to participate.


Lisbeth, do what's right for you.

When we are hurt it is difficult to participate - and for most people others do have the power to hurt us- especially people we expect we can trust - unless like your mum, we shut down emotionally. For me I would rather be a warm and loving person ( which leaves us exposed to feeling hurt when Others hurt us ) than closed down. You feel hurt because you are a warm person Lizbeth with a great capacity to love.


I believe emotionally shut down people simply don't feel enough to understand that they may be wrong - they just don't have that capacity . In many ways they are to be pitied more that blamed .


However , it may be that the sooner this is sorted the better you feel . Well done on saying no that that casino . Xx


I’m sorry for everything you went through as a child. These things change us as people, and being a little person is even worse, not being able to understand things like an adult could.

I was not abused as a child, so what I imagine is proboably a 1000th of how you feel, I won’t pretend I know.

What I want to say is that the only person that can make you happy is you. If that means no Christmas with your family, do it. It’s ok to not want to deal with it all.

I don’t know what to say about your Mum. No words.

Lizbeth, you have turned out to be a beautiful, kind, caring,

Compassionate woman.

You did that! No one else!!!

Don’t let anyone change who you are.

Love K xxx


Thanks i-did-it and Kathryn for your posts! I feel.supported and loved! I've awoken early as Wednesdays are when I call my Grandson, before school. I don't know about Xmas? When my oldest Daughter and her boyfriend came after Thanksgiving, they were rude and disrespectful. Really, i dont know why they want to come. This weekend with my Sister here, I am just going with it. I will be ok if I'm not included at my Mom's house. I've been having anxiety attacks. To the extent that my throat closes up and I have intense stomach issues. I don't want to go on medications so I've been using relaxation techniques. Sometimes it doesn't help. I-did-it, Thanks for mentioning my love for my Grandchildren. I do love them with all of my heart! They are the innocents in all of this mess.


Good morning Liz, good to see the support you are getting here. No wonder you have added counseling to the mix. Lots going on with family. You have many bright spots at the moment, your grandchildren, and your youngest daughter seems to be doing well and there was a time she was having issues. Not to mention you keep challenging yourself to grow and change.

Maybe use the quiet times when your sister is out at your moms or the casino to regroup, meditate and relax.

Have a good day Liz! -L


In work so just time for a quick post .

Lizbeth often I have written that we don't get to know the people on here but sometimes maybe we get to know them better than in real life .

I can for examples see the absolute love you have for your grandchildren - and you children for that matter.

We don't always like our family but that doesn't mean we don't love them.

This new thread was a great idea !

It feels like a new start for you !


Good morning Laura and i-did-it. I'm glad I started the new thread. I didn't talk to my Grandson this morning as my Daughter didn't answer her cell. I will try again tomorrow. My youngest Daughter is doing great. I'm so proud of her. She is working more hours now, so I take care of my Granddaughter 4 days a week. I'm looking forward to all of the adventures we are going to have. I love my family but I have friends that I love like family and like them too! LOL! I wonder if sometimes I take everything personally with my family, like I make a bigger deal than intended. I'm usually on pins and needles with them and waiting for the worse! I'm straightening the house and later will get ready for the Xmas party. No gambling urges. That's very significant for me. Have a great day everyone.


Good morning Laura and i-did-it. I'm glad I started the new thread. I didn't talk to my Grandson this morning as my Daughter didn't answer her cell. I will try again tomorrow. My youngest Daughter is doing great. I'm so proud of her. She is working more hours now, so I take care of my Granddaughter 4 days a week. I'm looking forward to all of the adventures we are going to have. I love my family but I have friends that I love like family and like them too! LOL! I wonder if sometimes I take everything personally with my family, like I make a bigger deal than intended. I'm usually on pins and needles with them and waiting for the worse! I'm straightening the house and later will get ready for the Xmas party. No gambling urges. That's very significant for me. Have a great day everyone.


lol! I guess it's true what they say, we can't pick our family! I wonder sometimes if I'm a little hyper sensitive to disturbances in the "force" lol. Always wanting to make sure there is no fuss. Wanting to be ready to smooth ruffled feathers. But I'm trying to let others wear their own behaviour. I'm not responsible for how they behave. No gambling urges Liz, awesome!


Hey Laura, I'm a people pleaser but I've been working on that for a couple of years. It's not going over well with me saying no and following through with certain family members. Oh well! I was the scape goat also. But no more! I was very shy and a introvert as a child. I was easily led as a young adult which caused many problems for me. Your right, we aren't responsible for anyone else's behavior. My Mom said I lie about everything when we had our blow out. No, I told the truth and it was too much for her. I'm done smoothing things over. If she never talks to me again, I will have to except that. My other stressor, my oldest Daughter has been playing me because she knows how much I hurt when she keeps my Grandson away from me. I can't change what she s doing but I can stop playing the game! Repeated unanswered phone calls, telling my Grandson bad things about me. Yes, he tells me as he knows what his Mother is doing is wrong. So pathetic! I can back off. My Grandson knows I love him even if we don't talk for awhile. She also throws my gambling addiction in my face. She is a recovering drug addict and a alcoholic. I've never ever said anything negative about her addictions. I'm refusing to having anxiety attacks and insomnia which could affect my health. I have to love myself enough to refuse that kind of mean treatment. Life is too short! I'm working on me! I'm going back to church on Sunday. I need to be around positive people and fellowship. My friend of 29 years is coming for a visit next month. I'm very excited. I've been lax on my exercising as I am babysitting 4 days a week but I can start walking again and using my exercise videos. I need to do for me now! No gambling! Makes me happy.


So much going on but you are dealing with it differently. Maybe that's what is helping with the urges. Isn't hurting I dare say. Enjoy church. And I'm excited for you. Good long time friends can be hard to come by and even harder to keep. I'm happy for you Liz. It seems to me you are dealing with this all pretty sensibly. Have a good gamble free day!

Laura


Thanks Laura. I wrote a long comment earlier but it didn't post???? So I'll just say that I'm trudging along. It's very cold and windy here. Staying inside where it's warm. No gambling for me.


Hi Lizbeth ,

Great post - we aren't responsible for anyone else's behaviour - but it can still hurt us ! There is never any need to drag children into adult arguments or to use them as a pawns.

Your life seems to be going really well despite your daugher's behaviour- going to church lifts our spirits and it is great to see old friends . Loving ourselves is easy when life is going well but harder when there are bumps along the way - keep strong !


Well done on starting your new thread, i am glad you started one and didnt leave.

I dont want anyone to leave ever!! haha, the little community we have here has to stay together.

I am sorry to hear of all the thigns going on with the family. This thing with your mum has been going on a long time with her being abusive. Its awful for you to go through.

Wonderful to hear you are with the grand baby..

I hope all sorts itself out ok soon. Good thing is Lizbeth you are not resorting to gambling.. stay safe


P


Thanks i-did-it and P for your posts. A lot has transpired in a day. My Mother called and apologized. I accepted and I am putting up my boundaries stronger than before. I will leave and not argue with her. I am not going to her house a lot. I am not going to ever get what I need from her. I accept that and I love her. I don't want regrets or guilt when she passes. My Sister is leaving in the morning. We've had fun playing cards and eating and talking. She bought my Granddaughter 8 new winter outfits. So adorable! I am grateful for the healthy relationships I have !!!!!


Lizbeth, people are recognising your new boundaries.

Well done to your mum- maybe she is thinking about stuff differently too.

What a great sister - my younger sister is my best friend, so I get it .

You sound so positive - others will soon recognise the boundaries - it's true if we don't love ourselves enough - I guess other notice and treat us how we expect .

Well done !


Well done on those boundaries... they are the hardest things sometimes to put in place but can sound so simple

You are doing really well, stay with the gamble free road and stay close to those who are good to you. You deserve good Lizbeth you are so good to all those around you


P


Thanks p for your post! I haven't been gamble free. I gambled today, big time! I've done damage both monetary and to myself. Can't believe it!!!! I'm so hating myself right now. I'll be digging out of this one for awhile. Things were moving along and I decided to screw it all up. I'm feeling empty, despair and failure. If people that knew me really knew the real me, they would be shocked. I wonder how many of them would want any kind of relationship with me. I feel pathetic and useless. I don't why I keep sabotaging my life. Will I ever be free of this demon? I'm drained, so tired.


Lizbeth, really sorry to hear you slipped up and gambled.......but it happens and I have done it 100s of times so please dont beat yourself up about it, we cannot change what we have done......and boy at times I am sure we have both searched hard for that time machine!, you must take the positives from this my friend it will make you a better person, I know right now there doesnt seem any positives but everything happens for a reason and in the end it makes stronger and the people we are today.


I am really glad you had some nice time with your sister you sounded like you really enjoyed it and also sorry to hear of your ongoing struggle with your mother, I have a sister (she disowned me along time ago but thats another stroy) and I have a brother who I see when he wants or needs something........but hey I suppose I could make the effort sometime, its the classisc really "you can choose your friends but not your family" come to think of it I dont have many of either!


Keep fighting Lizbeth my friend and will always wish you well......I have to get back to work and earn some money, I have the flu.......not a cold yes defo the flu lol, but couldnt afford not to go to work.......If I never had found gambling 27 years ago I could probably be retired at my tender age of 41 lol........but hey we do what we do and just for today I woke up this morning breathing and I thank God for that.


Hope this finds you well.


Maverick


Thanks Maverick! I needed to see you post this morning. I am going to go to the casino this week and see if I can ban myself. I had been told that I couldn't here but someone told me recently that she had. It's worth a try. I'm still upset with myself. I can dig out but I will have to be real diligent about it. Why do I impose such pain and worry on myself? I'm getting ready for my Granddaughter to come over. My ray of sunshine! I want things to be different. I need to really work on this !


Your addiction or compulsion knows you are making progress. That you are doing things differently. That things are changing. Imagine an apology from your mother. Seeing a counselor. It is crafty this disease. It is pushing all your buttons! A black thing that is under attack and knows its losing. Maybe call the casino and speak with a manager or someone who should know if you can ban. That way you don't have to set foot on the premises until you know it is for an appointment to ban. I'm glad you aren't giving up Liz. It always amazes me the strength some people possess. You are one of those people. I hope you are enjoying your little ray of sunshine. Big hugs Liz. See if you can tie up some money too!

Laura


Thanks Laura. I will call the casino. I think the office is across the street where I can ban myself. My precious Granddaughter is crawling and babbling. She is helping me to keep it together right now. The apology from my Mom was nice. Although things haven't really changed between us it was like a new chapter. I can have a distant relationship with her and not feel bad about it any more. It was good to see my Sister but I gambled with her. I think my Mom and Sister are CG's also. So today I am going to try to forgive myself and put the ban in place and be grateful for the things I have.


How difficult it must be when gambling forms a bonding activity in the family. I'm lucky in that sense. No one in my family gambles. My husband used to very occasionally. Now if he does it is almost non exsistant. His time and money are accounted for. I can see not wanting to dissapoint the visiting sister and breaking up the family get together. But if you are banned you will have no choice :) They can gamble without you or maybe find another activity they can do with you. All the best with the ban. Don't be too hard on your self.

Laura


Laura, Thanks for your continued support! My parents introduced me to gambling. Way back when I was 21 years old. My gambling didn't become a issue till all of the Indian casinos started popping up. I had to travel to Nevada before that, so I didn't gamble much. I called the casino. The tribal office is across the street from the casino. As they close at 5pm, I will be heading over there on Friday when I'm not babysitting. I also need to clean up my money mess. Thankfully, I will be able to do that next month. I will tell my family no more casino. They can go without me! Feeling a little bit more optimistic.


Lizbeth i am so pleased you are going to ban.. well done.

Dont beat yourself up too much about this slip. If you can get back on the horse now thats great and just continue on now you can only learn from it.

Youve been under a lot of stress, i have had to look at different ways of dealing with stress, i found a meditation app so i have been trying that , you just play one and lay down and shut your eyes and listen to a guided one its great... anything that helps.


P


Thanks p. I do meditate and use relaxation techniques. It helps alot. Baby is sleeping and I am having a cup of hot tea! I'm going to be ok. The intensity I felt this time gambling was very scary for me! I think it woke me up. Something inside of me said you need to stop this now! Banning will help a lot. Like I've said before, I am in a rural area where I'd have to drive a long distance to gamble. More boundaries !!!!


So, my Daughter has picked up the baby and I've finished my dinner (salad). I'm reflecting on my gambling episode and all of the feelings associated with it. I didn't enjoy it and in the end I kept chasing the losses until I had the worse feeling in the pit of my stomach. All the while trying to act normal. I kept looking around and no one looked happy. So sad! I didn't sleep well that night. I took some over the counter sleeping aid to sleep last night. I took a quick nap today while my Granddaughter slept. I want next year to be so different. No gambling, working on myself, doing things I enjoy. It's a new start!


Sounds like a good plan Liz :) Both banning and the plan after wards for a new start. I noticed the same Liz. When I went back out there. It tended to be the same people that were there, CG's like me. And rarely did one look happy unless they were fooling themselves about their wins! Have a good day!

Laura


So sorry to hear that you have gambled with the usual impact for a CG. Are you aware what triggered it? I have been through many stops and starts so know how this can happen. What was different for me this time, aside from the total destruction it caused, was that I realised there is never never any excuse or reason to wake the sleeping monster lurking in the corner. No matter what we are going through waking up the monster will only make things worse. I so know this and I know that feeling in the pit my stomach when we chase and it just takes. I think they are programmed todo this, seen it so many times. It’s like a light switches on, Cg here, just take! Good luck Liz, it was a blip, that’s all. We never win, never can.


Thanks Monicau for your post! I did more damage than I first anticipated. I am headed for the city mid morning to sell a few of my possessions. These are things that have no sentimental value to me. I can't believe that I'm at this place again. This isnt the real me, someone who disregards the value of money and who doesnt have any self respect. I feel the lowest I've felt in a long long time. The stress takes a toll both physically and mentally. I was hoping to go to sleep and not wake up! Yes, I said it! How selfish is that? I only have this site and my friends here to turn to. I feel like the counsellor sessions aren't helping. I pray everyday for the strength to get through this and to not want to gamble again. My little Granddaughter is sick with a viral infection. She was in the ER with a high temperature and at the Dr's office yesterday to be checked again. It has to run it's course. I've been present for my Daughter and Granddaughter. The one thing I'm grateful for right now!!! So, today i will do what I need to do and try to dig out of my hole a little. I'm going to try not to stay stuck in a deep depression. I'm going to try and like myself.


Yes, we lose track of how much we spend, done that so many times and familiar with that feeling of not wanting to wake up as well. How many counselling sessions have you had and was there something in that which triggered the last session? If the sessions are not working, can you change counsellor? I had two lots of counselling sessions that didn’t work at all and I should have asked to change counsellor but was too concerned about the counsellors feelings. Sometimes they just don’t work and go round in circles. Sometimes the counsellor doesn’t have the life experience To get us or don’t understand the cg unless a gambling or addictions trained counsellor.

Well done for being there for your granddaughter and hope she gets better soon. The little ones can scare us with how sick they can get but they do bounce back just as quickly.

As well as self banning, was this a family visit to the casino? Do your family know how serious this addiction is? And that you are a compulsive gambler and should never set foot in a casino? Is there someone who could help you limit your access to money, or have a prepaid debit card with an allowance that makes it difficult for you to gamble?

In my five and a half year addiction, my family ie my grown up children have only recently begun to understand how serious and life threatening this addiction is. And they are now supportive. It literally has taken until I am the verge of suicide for them to get it. Do your family get it Liz?

You will get through And over this Liz and it really is one day at a time.


As I have read through your thread, I see and hear many emotions and feelings that have me nodding my head in agreement. I stopped gambling 53 days ago only because I did not have access to funds, there was no more available to me. So when members on this site say to remove access to funds, I totally get that now...my brain doesn't let me get so many urges now as I know there is no money to gamble with.


This admire your honesty and I think this place is a safe and non judgemental place to be so. So, climb back on that horse and start again. The fact that you are here and writing shows me you want to stop.


We are all here for you, together.


Warm regards from NZ


Tina


Thanks Monicau and Tina for your posts! You've both given me a lot of good advice. My trip to the city didn't go well. My items (which are prized by myself) didn't fetch much money. In fact, some of them I wouldn't sell that cheap. I came home feeling a bit defeated! My banning happens tomorrow. I'm ready to do this. My counseling here in a rural area is very limited. I am going to change counselors as I don't think that I am meshing with my current one. Oh, my family knows I'm a CG. They are too! I've made my addiction clear to them but they don't get it. Monicau, I just got a prepaid debit card. I'm going to have to figure my monetary access out myself. I don't have anyone to trust with that. I'm going to have to dig myself out. My finances were not the best before this. I've consolidated my credit card debt. I am making payments on overdue taxes. I've created a big mess for myself. And to think that almost 5 years ago, after my Husband's death, I was debt free. I spent and spent the money I inherited. I did purchase my home and car and helped my oldest Daughter with a down payment. I spent till it was gone. When the money ran out, I charged up my credit cards. So my compulsions run deep. One thing that I don't regret are the trips I took my Grandson on. I have all of those memories. My late Husband went to his grave with the belief that I would be taken care of monetarily. I am such a big disappointment. At this point, almost all of my monthly pension is going out on payments. It's going to take me 4 years to become debt free. I need to stop this so I can stay debt free! I am thinking of getting a part time job but they are limited here and my Daughter can't afford a babysitter. Maybe, I should put a ad in the local newspaper to watch another child in my home???????? I feel so much pressure and unrest. Good news: my Granddaughter is feeling better. She is eating better and her fever is under control. It felt good writing this, although it is long! Being honest is freeing.


PS: The grass always looks greener! We never know what's really going on with someone else. People only show us what they want us to see.


Looks like you are doing the right things. Like you, I squandered a huge amount of money on gambling. I now see a common theme amongst women escape CGs and that is unsupported grief and loss as the initial trigger. It is hard not to feel guilt and a deep regret over the money we lost. I know that your husband would not be judging you and you haven’t let him down in any way. We judge ourselves way too much. As my son said, the best thing we can now do is to get our lives back on track and that means not gambling. I don’t want that destruction in my life any more. I don’t think you do either. I think we are about the same age. My addiction lasted five and a half years and has left me almost destitute still after four months. That is all it will ever do.

In respect of the debts, these can weigh us down. Over the years these did for me, and every relapse I would lose thousands. But the choice is either bankruptcy or pay them off. Mine would have taken huge monthly sums over five years. Have you had debt counselling? There may be other options that would not involve you losing your home.

I am pleased your granddaughter is getting better.


Thanks Monicau for your post! I'm currently on a debt management repayment plan for my credit cards and a monthly repayment plan for my taxes. With these and My monthly living bills, I have little money left. When I gamble, I do a lot of damage. I need to find a way to bring more income. My family has no clue and are in no position to help me. I would get judged and it would be something else to hold against me! Sad! It's lonely and scary feeling. Until you live it, you never know how devastating it can be. I'm going to implement the things I mentioned in my previous post and keep moving forward. That's all I can do.


Good morning Liz. Like most of us with this compulsion I kept blinders on while I had money to support my gambling. I didn't feel the full pain of it until I hit the end of my money and credit. I did try and fight it here and there but it was difficult. I hope you are able to sort something out with your finances, as far as having easy access. Where there is a will there is a way. I have faith you will figure something out to put more barriers between you and your money. A change in counselor if possible sounds like a good plan as well. As difficult as this can be please don't give up on your recovery Liz. Monica is giving some good advice re the debts. There may be something you can do to save yourself some of the crippling interest credit cards charge. I hate thinking of you having to sell off treasured possessions! Get through the holidays and then maybe look at credit counseling to see if there is other ways. Keep enjoying the good things like your lovely little granddaughter. Stay strong Liz!

Laura


Thanks Laura, I've made some calls regarding my debts. I will be receiving call backs next week. It's a sobering experience. I banned this morning. Yeah! It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was very humbling to know that I can be arrested for trespassing. I will have to tell my family as they like to eat at the casino from time to time. I feel free and I am going to be totally honest with them even if they judge me! I've decided to post some items for sale online. I need to live beneath my means for awhile. I have to remember to take care of myself first as I use generosity to make others happy. I'm also going to apply online for a few jobs in town. It won't hurt. I'm willing to work the night shift. I will post in the newspaper for babysitting and elder care jobs also. Maybe I can work around watching my Granddaughter. Different ideas are running through my head. At least I'm not giving in!!!! I'm fighting for a gamble free life!


Such a positive post Liz, really nice to read :-)


Thanks Geordie. I'm having a lot of different feelings right now. My emotions are all over the place. I want to just stay under the covers today but I took a shower and got dressed. I'm doing a few things around the house. I'm figuring ways to get on top of this money mess. Hopefully, I will be able to work out some things when I get my call backs next week. I paid off my cell phone, so of course it is acting up. I had to delete and reinstall my apps. It's still not acting right. As long as I can call out and receive calls that's all that matters. I can not afford a new phone right now! My brain! Too much thinking.


That is a big accomplishment Liz!! OMG well done. I know Kathryn will give a great big thumbs up when she reads. Banning is a pretty good barrier to keep you out! You are a very resourceful person Liz. You will get through this. If I was there I'd give your hand a good squeeze. Here's to better days ahead. You are all healthy and that is a great blessing to *****. Have a good night Liz. Oh, and I hope it feels good to know you just gave our addiction a good kick square you know where. Take care,

Laura


Thanks Laura! I really don't know how I would get through this without the support I've received here. I know better days are on the way! I will get through this. I'm willing to do the hard work. I can go without buying things and I can keep my living costs to a minimum. You can be very resourceful when you have to be. I have to look at the positives and be grateful. I've taken care of my health since my heart attack 6 years ago. I'm in great health. My kids and Grandkids are healthy. I have a comfortable house and many things I take for granted. Today I am grateful that I'm not gambling. Life is good!


This morning I woke to a text my oldest Daughter sent during the night. She stated that she was making Xmas dinner at my house and I was buying everything. Firstly, it's all foods that she likes. Also, she s coming up early and wants dinner early. I replied that I've already planned the menu, the time for dinner. And I don't want to deal with stress that day!! No replies. The positive this morning was Geordies post on his thread. It was so positive. It gave me the hope that I can stay gamble free.


I asked my Daughter not to come for Xmas if she plans on brings demands and causing stress for the family. It was so hard to do because it would mean that my sweet Grandson won't be here. No reply. I had to stand my ground. I feel like standing my ground and setting boundaries is part of my recovery. I am putting my recovery first! I can't let anything or anyone stand in my way of recovery or trigger it. I really feel that if I fail this time in my recovery, I will be lost in it and never recover. I still have hope and faith that I can overcome my addiction, get out of debt and relieve a lot of my stressors. I'm dedicated to my recovery more than ever before. In fact, there is no question in my mind that now is the time for complete surrender to recovery.


So the texts started flying. Many mean and vile things said to me. I've had it! Obviously, there is alcohol or something else involved. I'm drained! No gambling. Thank goodness I have access to little money and I don't have the energy. I lose in all of this with not seeing my Grandson. I will have to deal with it.


I think you’re right for standing your ground. I find her behaviour very bizarre. No one in my family would ever make such demands or act up in this way. Other issues but we all have respect for each other. Where is she getting it from and why does she feel the need to walk all over you? Cos that’s what it sounds like. Will she compromise in anyway? I am glad that you are putting your recovery first. You need to tell her that. The emotionals from family are always upsetting. We have to let go and that is hard. My only gratification is that cycles of emotional and other types of abuse that have been presentinmylifeup to around ten years ago have not manifested in the next generation ie my grandkids. I hope that things will peacefully resolve Liz.


Monicau, Thanks for your post! I hope we can compromise. She said not to bother her anymore. Ok? Other family drama has occurred today and I'm home minding my own business. I'm not answering the phone or texts the rest of the day. LOL! The sadness of this is my Grandson. That breaks my heart. For today, I will respect myself and not gamble. I will put my recovery first.


Not nice concerning your grandson and disgusting treatment you're on the end of.


Gambling will change nothing, I doubt it would even be an escape Liz.


You've dealt with worse than this over the last few years, and you know you can cope without gambling.


I know there is only so many times you can ***** to ten.


Go and get yourself a big slice of cake and a coffee Liz


Take care, keep standing tall.


Hi Liz ,

It will take your daughter a period of re- adjustment to the fact she cannot use her son like a pawn, but she will get there .

Well done on sticking to your Christmas plans .

Also self banning from the casino is such a huge thing to do - well done - what freedom this will give you.

Despite any slips you may have had you are a woman in recovery - the changes in you, in how you treat yourself and how you allow others to treat you are remarkable .

Keep working that recovery Liz


Thanks Geordie and i-did-it for your posts! I'm sick today. A bad cold. Bummer! My Daughter and I came to a compromise. I did it to keep the peace and to see my Grandson. I have been working about how I am going to make my bills next month. I never learn! I've decided which ones I can put off but it still won't cover everything. I have no more credit and a few of the companies I've contacted won't work with me. So, I'm figuring out my finances while feeling like poo. I can get out of this in 2 months but it's going to be really hard. I thought about ending last night. Yes I've said it again. I just can't leave my Grandbabies like that. I have no one who is close to me to turn to. Please pray for me!!!


Lizbeth , when I am actively gambling I get those thoughts - I am not sure why - because for me it's not something I ever considered as a possibility . I think maybe it's something gambling triggers in our brains .


You have barred from that casino - think carefully - is there any other avenue to gamble your have left over- any door ? Close it tightly like Geordie says - make it impossible to gamble and then start your four year repayment plan- you never know what life will send your way .


So long as you are happy with the compromise Lizbeth- that's all that's important .

Families are difficult and we all have to compromise I guess at family times -for example I am cooking what I consider two junk food items at my Xmas dinner because they have always been part of Xmas for my inlaws ?!??? Lol

I think taking in another child is a superb idea or how about instead of having them the whole day you maybe take two for after school? - they will be older , require less work and u pick them up when school ends. Who knows this could develop into a business your daughters could run with you?


There are so many opportunities in life - sometimes we just need to grab them.

You will be ok Lizbeth - u have your head screwed on - u make good decisions!


Hi Liz,

it takes a lot of strength and courage to do what you are doing. I can only hope your daughter will come around and not keep your grandson from you. I've seen my nephew used as a pawn occasionally over the years against my mom. It makes one feel like they are walking on eggshells around the person all the time for fear of the child paying the price. It's like you are being held hostage. Deep breaths! Keep working through this. You are so worth it! No self destruct. And you can't go to the casino! Have as stress free a day as possible. Laura


Thanks i-did-it and Laura! I am so grateful that I have your support. I can use all of the support I can get! My Daughter is sick also. The baby is feeling better. My Mother is well so she is watching the baby. I'm resting. I've thought about suicide but then someone has to find me. Probably my Daughter and I can't do that to her. Out of everyone my Grandson would be so devastated. That's what is stopping me. It would be a easy out. My oldest Daughter text and she is buying and preparing the Xmas dinner. We've called a truce. I'm still worrying about my finances. I have a call to make on Monday to see if a creditor will revise my payment. It's worth asking. The worse scenarios: overdraft fees, potential loss of checking account. All of my automatic payments should be fine, somethings I can live without for a month. I should be out of credit card debt in 3 years but if I don't pay my monthly payment, they can sue me It is what it is! I'm going to figure out something. My daily quote is, "Keep going." I have no money to gamble with, no cards, ect... So today I will not gamble!


Thinking of you and prayed for you. When the alternative is bankruptcy creditors change their tune and are more accommodating. I have lived with this for years now. Although years of large Debt is debilitating, some will wait and put off action for six months. That is what ihave found. I am bankrupt but cannot affordtogo bankrupt and have to wait for a creditor to make me bankrupt or get a charitable grant. I have been waiting now for four moths and cannot pay any of my debts. No money for even one Xmas present or food. Awful. So I hope your cold gets better soon. You will survive this. If I can sowill you!


Thinking of you and prayed for you. When the alternative is bankruptcy creditors change their tune and are more accommodating. I have lived with this for years now. Although years of large Debt is debilitating, some will wait and put off action for six months. That is what ihave found. I am bankrupt but cannot affordtogo bankrupt and have to wait for a creditor to make me bankrupt or get a charitable grant. I have been waiting now for four moths and cannot pay any of my debts. No money for even one Xmas present or food. Awful. So I hope your cold gets better soon. You will survive this. If I can sowill you!


Thinking of you and prayed for you. When the alternative is bankruptcy creditors change their tune and are more accommodating. I have lived with this for years now. Although years of large Debt is debilitating, some will wait and put off action for six months. That is what ihave found. I am bankrupt but cannot affordtogo bankrupt and have to wait for a creditor to make me bankrupt or get a charitable grant. I have been waiting now for four moths and cannot pay any of my debts. No money for even one Xmas present or food. Awful. So I hope your cold gets better soon. You will survive this. If I can sowill you!


Thinking of you and prayed for you. When the alternative is bankruptcy creditors change their tune and are more accommodating. I have lived with this for years now. Although years of large Debt is debilitating, some will wait and put off action for six months. That is what ihave found. I am bankrupt but cannot affordtogo bankrupt and have to wait for a creditor to make me bankrupt or get a charitable grant. I have been waiting now for four moths and cannot pay any of my debts. No money for even one Xmas present or food. Awful. So I hope your cold gets better soon. You will survive this. If I can sowill you!


Thinking of you and prayed for you. When the alternative is bankruptcy creditors change their tune and are more accommodating. I have lived with this for years now. Although years of large Debt is debilitating, some will wait and put off action for six months. That is what ihave found. I am bankrupt but cannot affordtogo bankrupt and have to wait for a creditor to make me bankrupt or get a charitable grant. I have been waiting now for four moths and cannot pay any of my debts. No money for even one Xmas present or food. Awful. So I hope your cold gets better soon. You will survive this. If I can sowill you!


Thanks Monicau for your post on my thread. I've thought of you too and prayed for your situation to change. Bankruptcy will be my last resort. The creditors here are very aggressive. They swoop in and take anything of value. I have some assets that although they could help me in my situation, they could adversely change someone else's life. A long story. So I'm going to dig out. I may take i-did-it advice and try to find some kids to watch after school and during school breaks. That would bring in a little extra money. My Daughter and I have the flu. I couldn't barely get out of bed till today. My Mother has watched the baby but I think she's through. I'm going to take a long hot shower and keep drinking fluids. I'm a little better. I can watch her tomorrow. Monicau, Thanks for supporting me! You're a compassionate person.


Hi Lizbeth,

Sorry to hear about your flu- it seems flus are getting so much worse nowadays.

Hope you feel lots better tomorrow and I love ur positive way you are approaching life


Thanks i-did-it. I'm feeling a little better today. I haven't ate for 3 days. I'm going to try some soup later. I-did-it, I'm trying to stay positive. It's kind of hard sometimes. Tomorrow is my birthday, the big 60. I don't feel like celebrating. Still trying to figure out how to pay bills next month, but that's next month.


Hope your flu is starting to go and getting well has to be your priority. Now chicken soup has sustained me thus far so I suggest you get some down you. Many happy returns, are you a fellow sagitarian or are you on the cusp of Capricorn? There is just a few weeks between us in age Liz.

I get what you are saying if you have assets. I have absolutely,nothing,to take. That is for a lifetime of hard,work. I own nothing at all. So,you have done far better than me! I hope you feel,better soon Liz.


Glad you are starting to feel better Liz. Nothing like knocking you down right before Christmas. It's good that your daughter is going to take charge of supper. The money worries are the worst. I repeatedly lost money that would have made life bearable. It's a shock when the "fun" is over and there is nothing left. After Christmas you can tighten your belt and look at some possibilities to bring payments down and your income up. You've stopped the bleeding. There isn't any more money going out. With the ban in place you won't go back. You gave yourself the best Christmas gift. Rest up. Laura


Thanks Monicau and Laura for your posts! Monicau, no chicken soup for me. September 4th, I stopped eating chicken, pork and beef. I still eat dairy, eggs. I've lost 16 lbs so far. I'm a saggitaurus. My Mother's bday is the day after mine. You would think we'd be kindred spirits but we are opposites. I feel better. I'm just resting. Laura, I'm grateful that my Daughter is providing the dinner. My youngest Daughter is buying the pies and dinner rolls. I've already contacted creditors, some will work with me, others don't want to. It is what it is. I have to keep believing that it's going to be ok and face some consequences for my actions. I'm sleeping in my Xmas sweatshirt, trying to get in the Xmas spirit. Sometimes I feel so pathetic. I've blown so much money not just on gambling but compulsive shopping. Wouldn't it be great if you could look into a crystal ball and view your life? You could change behaviors and actions and really appreciate the people who are going on to the afterlife. Just a thought. After Xmas, I'm going to see if I can increase my income. I live in a town of 12,000 people. Babysitting and elder care are probably going to be my options. I'll do whatever it takes.


Good to see you post. When we have the flu, need to avoid dairy as it increases mucous. Nice lol but true. Yes, funnily enough I was just thinking this a couple of days ago re the crystal ball thing. There are about Four or five key points in my life and I would absolutely change my decision and direction of travel. Sometimes it is only with the benefit of far hindsight where we see crucial life change points and I always seem to have made the wrong decision. All this my way stuff and no regrets a lot of people say, I would 100 per cent change some things. But not my children, love them. It will be ok with your creditors Liz.


Thanks Monicau for your post! I have a couple crucial times in my life where I wish that I could go back and change the decisions I made. A big one is not having children with my Husband. He had 1 daughter and I had 2 daughters. He wanted a child together but I didn't. It is something I've always regretted. But we can't change the past! Even though there is a lot of dysfunction in My family, I love them. Especially My girls and Grandbabies. My birthday was spent resting. For some reason, I'm feeling worse today. My girls both gave me birthday wishes. Monicau, thanks for being positive about my creditors. Right now, there are 2 that aren't willing to work with me. I don't know if I can fulfill their demands. I can only do what I can do. I really think this was a great lesson for me. I don't want to be in this position again.


Happy belated birthday Lisbeth.

I hope you had a really lovely day.

I would make many changes in my life too if I could go back - strangely I never think of gambling when I think of changes I would make - I think other choices led to my gambling.

It is good that most of your creditors wi work with you - I don't see That the others have much choice- maybe ask to speak to their managers .

I like your attitude Lizbeth - extra work will help a lot with those financial worries .

Keep strong !


I hope you enjoyed your birthday in some small way.....cake perhaps????

I also hope you are feeling better, I feel like the colds/flu are terrible, last time I had one I was at work and had to work in surgery, my nose was like a running tap, I had to stuff a dental roll up each nostril under my mask!!! Not pretty lol

So Christmas, I do hope you have a lovely day. I tend to forget that not everyone is looking forward to it, I love it so much ( well it wasn’t great when I was gambling) but my childhood memories were just wonderful and I hang onto that every year!

My bestie is going through the most awful time at the moment, she has a 9 and 10 year old, money isn’t an issue, thankfully but I don’t know how to help her I love her like a sister and she doesn’t deserve what is happening to her, the fact that it’s christmas just makes it worse.

I’m trying to hold her up, but I don’t feel like I’m doing much of a job and we go away Christmas Day and I’m leaving her in her mess, it’s just awful.

Anyways, that was a little babble right there!!!

Again, sending you Christmas blessings my friend.

Love K xxxxx


Thanks i-did-it and Kathryn for your posts! No cake yesterday, can barely eat! I-did-it, I'm getting threats of being sued in small claims court by 1 creditor. I can only do what I can do. Kathryn, I'm sure your friend appreciates your support. Sometimes just having someone just listen to you helps. I just want to be around my family at Xmas and enjoy the Grandkids. I'm feeling about the same. I have to muster up some strength to accomplish a few things today!


Congratulations, Lizbeth on your 60th birthday( The new 40!)

Age makes little difference, Lizbeth. It is Peace with our Creator and Health that really c ount.

I was away from GT for weeks. Like you, the "flu" gripped me. Knocked me for six. All I remember of the fist week was lying in agony (throat, ears -even gums and jaws) waiting for the next dose of pain killers to be due.

Strange, when you are away from an online group , how everyone and everything seems to fade into oblivion. I guess it's different when we are dealing face to face with people, but I seem to have become very distant from "real" people, too. We come to a stage in life when our priorities shift and self preservation takes priority-a type of regression to childhood, perhaps.

You and one or two others here were on my mind when I was ill, Lizbeth and when I caught up on your thread, I now know why.

I have been in your position often, Liz i e "broke at Christmas". I used methods that would not be orthodox, to cover my tracks/relieve my anxiety/financial stress to tide me over. I used my son's Credit Union shares often to obtain loans ( explaining that it was for Christmas presents-which was an indirect lie). Did likewise with my husband's C.U. shares. That would be my Plan B and usually came AFTER I had taken out a couple of "high Interest" loans (which I usually gambled). Could I cope with that madness again? No! It would kill me!!

Lizbeth, I'm not suggesting for one minute that you follow my appalling example, but I want to highlight that it's not worth stressing ourselves to the gills over money.

It comes and goes. Do what you need to do to get through Christmas.

The only way we make "real" money is to earn it....I went back to working 12 hour shifts at age 52 BUT I was in the throes of gambling then, and the income helped me to further self destruct. Working from home sounds ideal. My sister has looked after babies/children all her married life. Cash in hand is very tempting but for a CG it can be lethal. Also there are insurance/health and safety and police clearance issues to be dealt with so not as straightforward these days as it used to be.

Would you consider renting a room? A friend of mine walks dogs would you believe, for dog owners who can no longer walk theirs and there is money to be made there also babysitting in a child's own home or sitting with elderly people to give carers a break or working as a full time carer are much needed services.

I pray for you every day, Lizbeth.

I know how life has been a struggle for you. I have my own issues with my son. I haven't seen him for 14 months. We are working ( my other son and I ) on having him home for Christmas but NOT on his past T & Cs . (His record has been atrocious and I always came out the worst end)

Not this year, Lizbeth. We have to learn to take back our power from people who hurt us or scapegoat us.

Like gambling, we only become powerless when we give that power away.

I know you are coming to that realization too, Lizbeth.

The "hurt" is in us, not in the external situation but oh! boy! there are lots of people who supply the stimulus.

Our main, common objective on this Site is to refrain from gambling one day at a time.

The issues surrounding that common aim are often relevant but sometimes superfluous.

I wish you and yours a Peaceful Christmas. Nothing is perfect. I will go to GA tonight to remind myself that I am and always will be a CG who by God's grace hasn't gambled today.

May God's Hand rest on your shoulder, Libeth and His Love surround you always.

You have my support and admiration .


Thanks Vera for your post! Sorry to hear that you've been sick. I'd wondered where you we're? Or if you just wasn't posting. You make a lot of valid and good points. I'm glad you're feeling better. Thanks for your support and thoughts. It means a lot to me. I know what triggered my gambling episode. It was a painful experience that I can't talk about here. I didn't handle the situation right and decided to self destruct. Christmas will be fine. There are gifts for the kids and there will be plenty of food. I've never been a money person. I've had it and I've been poor also. My disregard for it though is not good. I need to relearn a lot. As soon as I get back on track, my savings start again. This time was different for me. Maybe because my birthday fell during my financial mess. I'm not getting younger. Good news: 1 of the creditors that didn't want to work with me, called me and is going to add the missed payment back into the loan. A big relief! I am going to call the other creditor again next week. Going to rest!


Aw that's great news Lisbeth - wait and see the other creditor will work with you too. I get what you mean about not valuing money - I think maybe if we put more value on it we might not get into the scrapes we do . For some reason , I (and I'm sure others with this addiction) value money far more when I don t have enough. When I have plenty I throw it away.


You are a good person - you deserve a peaceful Christmas - plenty of food and gifts bought means you will be able to enjoy it .

Enjoy your rest and take a break from worrying - give yourself Christmas off to enjoy how far you have come and. how much progress you have made - and especially those wonderful grandchildren.


Thanks i-did-it for your thoughtful post! I've done nothing all day. Feel about the same. I have to get stuff done tomorrow as my oldest Daughter and Grandson are coming on the 24th. I've been thinking as I was resting, this has to be the last time for this addiction to take me over. Things need to change. I need to change. More barriers, finding different ways to deal with stress. Things can be different. I need to make the effort and do the work.


you are worth the effort Liz!


We make the effort for everyone else. I'm sure you are looking forward to time with your grandson as you haven't spent as much time with him lately. Christmas is for the little ones and for simple things like good food and togetherness. I hope you are feeling better soon and well enough to enjoy it. I'm sitting here with a head full of dye! I have a few more Christmas presents to wrap and some laundry to do and I will be totally ready for Christmas. Even taking things relatively easy makes for a busy time! Take care Liz!


Thanks Laura for your post! I'm still not feeling well but I've managed to wrap the Grandkids presents and do laundry. I'm straightening the house and vacuuming today. I haven't spent a lot of time with my Grandson lately. He recently had braces pur on and his 12th birthday is in 3 weeks! I can't believe it! My Granddaughter is crawling well and is already trying to pull herself up and stand. Life keeps going on! When I had a lot of money, I still had the same problems but I used the money to buy things and do things to temporarily suspend my feelings. I never dealt with my issues. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather have money than be broke. I will get on top again. This time will be different. Savings, savings, savings! Harder access to the money. Barriers.


So yesterday I called the last creditor again. They said I've been late before so if they don't receive a payment before the end of the month, they are going to sue me. Ok, I did a little research on the company and they do like to sue. They amount I owe them is under $1000. I can't make a payment till the 2nd. So, there's not much I can do. I've never been sued before so that is scary. I will have to deal with it! Lesson to be learned.


Lisbeth is the first a bank holiday where you live ?

Perhaps you could use that as an excuse .

Could u get an overdraft to cover that for a day ?

It seems a shame that one day will cause you so much grief .

Maybe you could pay a small amount now - a token perhaps ?

What a horrible company - another reason for us to stay gamble free - it's puts us at the mercy of companies like this .


This company were the only ones who wouldn't get on my consolidate loan repayment plan! I'm still trying to figure out something.


Ok, I found a solution. I borrowed the money and will pay the bill after Xmas as their office is closed. I had to swallow my pride. I have never asked for money from anyone. It was very humbling. It's another lesson that I won't forget.


Well done Lizbeth -I am so glad - now enjoy Christmas with your beautiful grandchildren .

Well done- it can be hard to ask for help especially financial help, but you have taken the brave steps you needed to .


Thanks for your post on my thread Liz. I wish you a peaceful and happy Xmas. Incidentally, ihave been sued, whilst not verynice at the end of the day you can only oh what you can afford even in a Court, and you don’t have to attend either in the uk.


Thanks i-did-it and Monicau for your posts! Although it was hard to ask someone for help, they didn't hesitate. Know I can relax and enjoy Xmas without that nagging worry in my head. I will see my Grandson tomorrow. Feeling a little better this evening. I really feel like I've learned some valuable lessons from my gambling episode. I don't want to repeat any of this again!


Everyone is still sleeping! Waiting for the kids to open their presents. There is a lot of food, pies, ect. My Grandson was very excited before going to bed. That's what Xmas is all about. I can see clearly how gambling muddled my happiness, well being, self dignity. I hope everyone has a great day. Let's look forward to a gamble free 2018!


Merry Christmas Liz!


Children really are what Christmas is about.


Our gambling actions add up to a lot of problems that will help no one. Our friends and family included. Clear sight and new lessons learned will definitely help to make 2018 gamble free. I hope you have an amazing day with your family xoxo


Laura, I had a good day! My Grandkids had fun! My oldest Daughter made a amazing dinner. I think my Mom enjoyed herself. Yesterday was kind of shaky. My oldest Daughter talked very disrespectful to me in front of everyone. Calmly, I told her to never talk to me like that again. She stopped and was pleasant the rest of the time. I watched the baby while they took out the gocart! A present to my Grandson from my Daughter's boyfriend. He rebuilt the whole thing and worked on it for months. My youngest Daughter said that he had a blast driving it! She sent me pics. He was so Happy! 2018 will be a gamble free year for me. That's my goal!!!! I have so much more to live for.


This morning I sent a money order to the 1 creditor. It will get there by Friday. I can't be sued as I do have properties that can have liens placed upon them. I just have to keep my course. Stay strong and stay true to what I know is right. I can be out of credit card debt and tax debt in 30 Months. If I don't gamble, falter. I cant make any more mistakes. Financial freedom! I can have savings and travel a little. That is my goal!!!! Today forward I feel like it's going to be a better, stress free (not self imposed) life!!!! Feeling good!!!


Hi Lizbeth -

30 months isn't so long - imagine being debt free- and all your income being just for you to spend how you wish! You can do do this.

Well done on your assertiveness- I am going to keep that line in mind .

Sounds like you had a pretty idyllic Christmas - so happy for you


Thanks i-did-it for your post! My Christmas was good! I let go of my expectations and just went with it! 30 Months isn't long to be debt free. I have to keep my goals in sight when the gambling urges arise. I talked to the last creditor this morning. They are willing to help me but I have to be 30 days behind in my payment (Jan 2nd) before they will set up a repayment plan. It's all good! My credit is going to take another hit but that can be rebuilt too! Money will be tight for the next few months. I can cut back on things and not spend anything foolishly. I can do this!!! This morning when my sweet Granddaughter fell asleep in my arms, it was the best feeling. She loves her Nana. I want to be that good role model for my Grandkids. They love me unconditionally!


I was thinking about my gambling addiction. I do put it on the same level as many other addictions. I've done it regardless of the consequences to myself and my family. When I am in the midst of it, really nothing else matters, even when I know it is wrong. I have a hero in my youngest Daughter. She was a drug addict all of her adult life, 14 plus years. She was told that she would never have children because of medical issues pertaining to her addiction. 19 Months clean and we have our miracle baby, my Granddaughter. She is working full time after never holding down a job. When I feel like giving in, I only have to look at her and know that anything can be done if you want it bad enough and you work hard enough.


It took us time to dig the hole and it usually takes time to climb out. You can do it Liz. 30 months Will go by quickly. And things may change such as improving your income. Both your daughter and yourself are examples of strength and the ability to change. Nothing is insurmountable.-Laura


Thank you Laura for your positive post! I have to keep my eye on the prize, being debt free. I still have a cough. In fact, I went to bed very early last night and still feel like I could sleep another 8 hours. I'm waiting for my Daughter to bring the baby over on her way to work. I'm still mulling over making extra income. It can't interfere with the days that I watch my Granddaughter. Jobs are limited here as it is a rural area. I'm thinking of advertising to run errands, grocery shop, ect. as a large number of our population is the elderly. I will figure something out. All I know is that I am gamble free for today. I plan on being gamble free tomorrow.


One day at a time Liz. If the basics are taken care of just be present and enjoy the day. Tomorrow is another day! The world is till in holiday mode :) Maybe something will present itself in the new year. Enjoy that beautiful granddaughter! It sounds like she has been the start of a whole lot of inspiration. Take care of yourself Liz. I hope you shake that cold soon. Laura


Thanks Laura, That's it, living in the present! My tree and decorations stay up till after the 1st of January. I try to savor the last of Christmas. But the 1st brings in the new year with new hopes, dreams and plans!!!! One day at a time!


I'm feeling a little blah today! Not sure where the feelings are coming from. When it gets a little warmer this afternoon, I'm going to rake up the remaining leaves in the backyard. Keeping busy=getting through gambling urges!


Raking leaves has been you salvation many times Lizbeth but it can be monotonous too. Do you ever go for a long walk? I like to put the earphones from my little "brick" phone in my ears and listen to music on the radio or a discussion . I helps me to keep walking. I only take short walks these days. Today, after I went to the Credit Union it was still semi bright so I walked along a footpath and around a housing estate listening to an interesting programme on "Grief".

I know you have experienced the personal loss of your husband, Lizbeth and it will always be there. As CGs we all experienced huge losses and not only financial. We also have our consolations. Your grand daughter and grandson are your incentive for staying away from the casino. They will never know you as a "gambler" if you stick to your guns Lizbeth. I am no different than anyone else when it comes to recovery. I have had many "reasons/opportunities" to gamble over the past 2 years. Indeed, yesterday my son said he was going back to where he lives. He came first with me to the Credit Union. It was still closed for the Christmas holiday. I felt a panic rising inside me. Back to the "empty house syndrome". An ideal excuse to take flight to the casino. "This was always my time of year for gambling". "Nobody needs to know" . "I've served my time"- all these thoughts were spiking through my mind so I switched to the non gambling mindset that I have trained myself to develop. I asked my son to stay another night. He agreed. We went home and watched DVDs and ate for the night. The Credit Union business was completed today, so I'm off to a GA meeting now. It would be MUCH easier to drift into a casino and totally opt out. I did that too often. Stopped the world and stepped off but we always have to come back, Lizbeth. I don't think I have another recovery in me. So I will keep the one I am presently dealing with, one day at a time.

I hope and pray you will do likewise.

I think there is something different about you this time, Liz.

Like me, you have had enough!

Thanks for posting to my Thread.


Hi Lizbeth

I don’t know what it is about raking leaves but I find it both therapeutic and annoying – as fast as one sweeps, the next lot are peering down and waiting for you to move on, ready to float down and fill the space you have cleared. I think we plod on in the hope that all the leaves will eventually come down and we can have a well earned rest!

Debt is a bit like those leaves but unlike those leaves, once they are cleared it is in ‘your’ power to never have to clear them up again. You and you alone hold the key to your future.

Thinking about you – I have loads of leaves still to clear but it is too cold and damp at the moment – or am I putting the job off?

Velvet


Thanks Vera and Velvet for your posts. I love to walk but it is cold and windy here now. I like to walk in the evenings but by the time my Daughter picks the baby up it's already dark outside. Can't wait for spring so I can take my Granddaughter for walks in the stroller. Vera, I am sick of gambling. I'm tired of it. I feel like something is different this time for me also. Velvet, all the leaves are off the trees. This will be my last clean up. I went and visited with my Mom and Daughter and Granddaughter this afternoon. We had lunch together. Something inside of me has changed towards my Mother. It's like my anger is gone. I still have my boundaries up! I feel that when I turned 60 recently that a lot of things changed internally. I know the key to everything is in my hands. I have the power! I didn't gamble today!


A great positive post Lisbeth- I guess we all have that power - it's just maybe it takes us time to recognise it.

It made me feel happy to read your anger towards your mum is gone - perhaps you said what you needed to say - but more likely her apology has removed a lot of the pain .

People underestimate how much a simple apology can mend - sometimes it just needs to be said - a recognition that we understand we have hurt someone else .

Keep strong Lisbeth - you have those wonderful grandchildren and Sping to look forward to .


Thanks i-did-it. I think I was able to finally release my anger towards my Mother because I finally realized that she will never change. And if I don't change my attitude towards her that I'm the one who is going to keep hurting. She still says hurtful things but I'm not around her much and what she says is ridiculous! It's not worth fighting over. I know that I'm loved by my Daughters, Grandkids and Friends. It's all I need. Still feeling sick. Trying to get over this cold! I'm still positive about my gambling recovery! One day at a time


just popping in Liz to say Hi and see how you are doing. That cold is really hanging on. Rest, chicken soup, maybe a hot toddy.


When gambling addiction has run it's course, when we are sick and tired of being sick and tired from gambling, we often find there is nothing left to do but change or self destruct. Too many depend on you to self destruct so I know which one I vote for :) I know you will vote for that option too. Treat yourself good Liz, you deserve it.


Laura


Thanks Laura. Well, Today was spent resting again. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better. Today I had some crazy but normal CG thoughts. Money will be real tight but doable the next few months. I will be able to fulfill my obligations and get out of the hole. I started thinking about gambling in the hopes of winning some money. We know that isn't going to happen but the CG in me was trying to tell me differently. I fought the urges and kept myself busy till the urges stopped. It would be so easy to backside but I keep thinking of the consequences. I have too much to lose! I can't take another episode. I'm a worrier naturally and this last few weeks I've had many sleepless nights about money. I can't do this to myself again. It's now or never!


I haven't gambled!!!! Yeah!! This morning I made and froze some meals for next month. This will help save some money. I'm reading a book right now about obsessing about money. It's funny but I have always obsessed about money then I blow it by gambling. The main thing that is emphasized in the book is that you have to let go and not obsess. Have a plan and have faith. Live in the moment, now! I have a lot to learn. I'm feeling a bit better and I'm going to pack up some of the Christmas decorations. It's cold, I'd rather get back under the covers ! Lol! Happy New Years everyone! 2018 is going to be a great year!


It always starts with the first bet, Lizbeth.

We need never place that bet.

Thanks for being first to post to my New Thread.

HAPPY NEW YEAR


You’re right, 2018 is going to be a great year!

You are sounding a lot more positive and I think getting your life organised, even if it is frozen meals is a great start!

There’s always a sense of anticipation when a new year begins.

I don’t make resolutions, I never keep them !

I would like this year to be better than last year, not sure how it possibly can be but I’ll give it my best shot!!!

Lots to look forward to, small things they may be but gambling will play no part for me. I am going to appreciate each and every day!

Take care my beautiful friend,

Love K xxx


Thanks Vera and Kathryn for your posts! I'm very excited and positive for this new year. I think we are all getting a second round of this cold/flu. My Daughter can't miss anymore work so I'm watching the baby today. She's coughing and sneezing also. I'm tired of being sick. I can't imagine having long term, chronic health conditions that others experience here. Today was pay day, after some of my bills and the mortgage payment (house my oldest Daughter lives in), I'm broke. I will be able to pay the rest of my bills and get groceries when I'm reimbursed for the mortgage on the 13th. It's a long story but I've been fronting the mortgage payment to protect my credit, ect...as my Daughter's paydays fall weird. I'm getting tired of it as it puts me in a bind for a week or so. The last gambling episode didn't help either. So my positivity level is on the low side right now. But it will pass.


Good morning Liz! (well afternoon as I finish this)


Money troubles always gave me urges to gamble. Hoping I could win myself out of the hole. Of course it was the hole I created by gambling. Probably how we got in the hole. We keep fooling ourselves instead of looking at the big picture with a clear head. It really sickened me when I realized how much money I had spent gambling. And yet I went back again.


Today I am choosing to see the clear picture! Not gambling has created the financial choices and life choices I have today. I can only focus on today! Time to tell the gamble brain it's stinking thinking isn't allowed. Hit the road jack! I'm with you Liz. No gambling today. I am taking Kin's advice to Maverick. Stop digging! Sounds so simple.

Enjoy the peace of a day not gambling. Love that you are reading and growing. Have a good day Liz.


Laura


Thanks Laura for your post! I'm not gambling because of lack of funds. That's something I would do in the past. It only made my situation worse. Tomorrow I have a phone interview with the last creditor I have to deal with. Either way it will be paid. I will either be stretched for money for 2 months or they will let me on a repayment plan. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Then onward to pay my property taxes on the house I live in. There will be late fees but they are not too hefty. I will have to call and talk to them also. From that point, May forward, I can start saving money. So, the next 4 months, there will be very little extra money but I can do this!!! It's a very humbling experience .


So, I had my call this morning with the last creditor. I'm going to have to make a double payment next month. It is doable but means that I won't have much left and will have to really watch my money. I can do This. Being sick and dealing with creditors has been challenging. I don't have my Granddaughter today, so I'm going to rest. Tomorrow I'm taking her for her routine Dr's visit. My Daughter had to miss work when she was sick and can't miss anymore. I need to get better by the 13th. It's my Grandsons 12th birthday party. My oldest Daughter even invited her Sister to attend. That's big and makes me very happy.


I'm not gambling and haven't had any urges! Just trying to get my chit together. I'm really sick again. I think we are reinfecting each other. My Daughter is only working till lunch time so she can take the baby to the DR5. I've bought some masks to wear while I watch the baby. This cold/flu thing is really hanging on. Yesterday, 2 of my friends contacted me out of concern because I haven't been on social media. It was nice to know they care. My hope today is that everyone has a great gamble free day!


Cold and flu season seems to be worse this year already. I hope you all soon feel better.


Being broke and dealing with creditors IS a very humbling experience. Throughout my life I've had personal experiences with poverty living. Some my own and some friends over the years. Before my gambling days and once I had a decent job secured I helped as much as I could, just as my family had helped me. It feels good to be in that position again. Makes a person realize what stress day to day life is for a lot of people. Here it's because we gambled. For some it is just their circumstance. 4 months can be a long time in some ways Liz but you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep your eye on that and say no to any urges.


Rest up!

Laura


Hi Lizbeth ,

Flu seems to be getting much worse than in the past- everyone I know who has had flu has been wiped out it and it seems to last so long now .

I hope you are feeling much better - it is hard to do anything or enjoy anything when you feel unweLl- I hope baby gets on well at docs .


How lovely for you that your daughters are celebrating your grandsons birthday together . It will be a joy for you to have all your family together.


Hi Liz

Just to say that the flu does seem to last a lot longer this season here as well. Everyone I know has had it. For me the chest infection took 8 weeks to clear and my sister just kept reinfecting all the time. It will go though as mine did. I ha e been dealing with creditors for many years and it,is humbling, i also think,it contributed to my heavy depression this time round as I was simply sick of it and living this way. Your situation though sounds very resolvable and 4 months is no time at all.


Are you taking any flu remedy, Lizbeth? I was taking lemsip for 10 days with no relief . My throat felt as if it had been sprayed with acid and my ears were like as if two hot prongs had been inserted Even my teeth and gums were very painful. In the end I started on an anti biotic . My GP was phoning me that week with blood tests but I ignored his calls until the Thursday. I had no voice so I just croaked "hello" and he asked to speak to my husband. Told him to bring me immediately to the surgery but I was not able to go so I went next day He told me to extend the antibiotic for a further 7 days.

Perhaps you need an antibiotic, Lizbeth . Do you get the flu injection?

Not easy to take care of a baby when you are unwell.

I am the worst patient imaginable.

No physical tolerance for any pain or illness but I seem to cope with things mentally better than most (So I am told). Mind over matter, I suppose!

Get well soon and don't worry about those creditors. The whole world is living on a deficit! Let them wait!


Thanks everyone for your posts! I am taking medicine. I start feeling better then feeling bad again. It will run it's course. A lot of rest and fluids. I will be out of the hole in 4 Months then another 26 Months and my credit card debt and tax debt will be gone. It's all doable. I can't gamble and I have to be very frugal with my money. Then I'm going to save so I can travel! My dream. I want to go abroad for 2 months then I want to travel the US as there is so much I haven't seen. I can see my dreams come true!!!! Exciting! It's good to have goals and dreams!


I'm still very congested. I seem to wake around 3am every morning. I got out the vaporizer with the eucalyptus pods. Maybe that will help! I've cooled my friendship with my friend here in town. She is a CG and spends every day in the casino. Her Husband doesn't gamble. I told her that I've banned myself from the casino and that we could meet else where for lunch. She agreed. I might have to end the friendship. Time will tell. My Granddaughters check up went well. She doesn't go back till after her 1st birthday. She is pulling herself up and standing. She's a beauty and so smart. I have a lot to be thankful for. I need to keep my eye on my goals. Everything is obtainable as long as I don't gamble!


I'm still feeling blah! I'm also finding myself getting a little depressed. I just wanted to say again to all of you that have chronic health conditions, I have so much respect for you! I hate being sick and I'm starting to get grouchy and whiny! But I know it will be over. My sweet Daughter brought soups and crackers over for me yesterday. It was very appreciated. I received a late Xmas box from a Nephew and his Fiancee yesterday. They were unable to come for Xmas. It contains presents for all of us and my Daughter can open it today. I may be sick but I am gamble free and I've put barriers in place to help me stay that way. Life can be hard and sad sometimes but if you really look, you can find the light, the positives. So, everyone, hang in there. Have a great gamble free weekend!


Thank you so much for your post.

This flu has really grabbed you. I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

Grandkids, are they amazing or what?

Your granddaughter sounds like a doll!!!

I’m going to see my mum today. I kind of dread it now as I don’t know how she will be. I feel terrible saying that as she was the mother of all mothers and now I don’t want to go for fear of it making me feel depressed when I leave. In saying that, she does have good days. Hopefully today will be one of them.

The cool change came through last night, so yesterday I was wearing shorts and a tee and today I’ll be in a jumper and pants. That’s Victoria in Australia for you! 4 seasons in a day!!!

Keep looking for that light, it’s always there, just sometimes a little smaller than usual.

Love K xxx


Thanks Kathryn for your post! I was able to get out today and I sold 2 items on a local FB selling site. So I was able to generate some cash. I've sold or donated many items I don't use anymore. Grandkids are the best! They bring so much joy. Kathryn, although I'm not real close to my Mom, I see her getting weaker, more forgetful and it's hard to see. So I can understand you being depressed after seeing your Mom when she has had a bad day. I'm sure it's hard for you visiting your Mom. I still don't seem to do anything right in my Mom's eyes but I have just learned to tune her out and try to grasp any good that comes from her. It makes me try harder to have better relationships with my Daughters. I tell them how much I love them! Life is too short to be bitter, judgemental and mean. No one wins! I won't have any regrets when my Mom is gone. I have already made peace with her in my own mind. That was a big step for me. All of my Aunts, Uncles and many Cousins are now deceased. It's sad! It's cool here but we haven't had any snow yet. Very unusual. I'm always looking for the light Kathryn. There is a lot to be grateful for. Today I didn't gamble and didn't have urges.


HI Lizbeth,

You sound so happy despite your awful flu.

Being gamble free suits you- you have a very full life with your daughters and grandkids and if you feel your friend will encourage you back to gambling, then yes you may have to let her go . If it is a true friendship and not one based on your "shared interest" , she will meet you else where .

It might eve help her stop when she sees how you are moving on with your life

.

The sad thing about getting older is that we lose so many people who were important to us - but I guess they live on in our memories and our hearts - and as you are doing with your mum- the important thing is that we have done it best while there were here with us .


Well done on your sales - I often think how resourceful we can be - I think many of us could have built huge businesses if we hadn't been afflicted with gambling addiction.


Get plenty of rest and look after yourself .


Just wanted to let you know that I had a really good visit with Mum today, I showed her some photos of my kids (and tex of course) and she said are they yours? Yes I replied, then she said well you’re mine! I don’t know if she had a fleeting moment of recognition but I don’t care, it was just lovely.

We also had a few laughs and she told me she loved me and how beautiful I am... no glasses naturally!! Lol!

Seriously though, my spirits were high when I left, as usual I was worried for nothing. I always always tell her that she is the best Mum in the world and how much I love her. She turned 87 last month so you never know when your last visit will really be your last and it makes me feel that if she did go she knows how I feel. She was truly an amazing mother to me, how lucky I am.

Glad you sold some stuff! Woohoo!!! The wonders of the internet. I’ve bought all Harry’s school books for this year that way and saved a fortune!

I’m glad you have made peace with your mother, no regrets Lizbeth, those things can send you crazy!!

Hope you enjoy your Sunday!

Back to work for me tomorrow....ugh! In saying that I’ll be glad to have some away time from Dames, we niggle at each other when we have been together too long...looks like I’m never retiring!!! Lol!!!

Take care, love K xxx


K, I'm so happy that you had a wonderful visit with your Mum. She sounds like a awesome lady! I think that I'm feeling a little better today. I got to hold my Granddaughter yesterday. She must be missing me as she kept crawling to me and wanted me to pick her up. I'm watching her This week so my Daughter can work. I had to decide to forgive my Mom for my own well being. I had a very mentally, verbally abusive childhood. So did my siblings. It makes it hard to remember the good times. My Sister feels the same way and she deals by detaching and seeing Mom when she wants to. It's sad but my reality. I do refuse to be her scapegoat anymore. I've made big steps with her. A lot of counseling and soul searching. I-did-it, I can tell that Im alreading pulling away from my friendship. She has a lot of hurt in her life that she doesn't deal with. Im going to make it clear that our friendship cant include gambling. Today I am not going to gamble as I am worth a gamble free life. I am worth all the good things that are here for me. I deserve peace and serenity.


I am feeling better today! I've taken a long hot shower and feel like a new person! Lol!!! I have several appointments tomorrow to sell some jackets that I've never worn. I am getting rid of a lot of my compulsive shopping items. It is good to see them go. Very therapeutic! I don't need a lot of things to make me happy. So I guess it was a lesson learned!


Do you get paid in cash, Lizbeth?

I did a bit of Online Selling which involved cash deals, sometimes.

Just sayin'!!!!


Yippee Lisbeth ,

I am so impressed by your resourcefulness .

I'm not sure why , but the unsinkable Mrs Brown came into my mind when I read your last post .

Unsinkable Lizbeth - impossible to keep down- forever optimistic and resourceful .

GO YOU !


Thanks Vera and I-did-it! Vera, I'm banned from the local casino and the next nearest one to me is over 100 miles away. That is a big deterrent for me! I'm in a mountainous rural area and wouldn't drive the roads to get there at night. I've been using the extra money for food and home supplies. I have no other cash source till my oldest Daughter gives me the mortgage payment on the 13th. I've already paid the mortgage.

I've already asked my youngest Daughter to deposit it into my checking account for me so there is no temptation. It will go towards other bills I need to pay. She is helping me be accountable and I trust her. I-did-it, I feel like the unsinkable Molly Brown!!! It's funny how resourceful and what we can live without when we have to. I even got out today and had lunch at my Mom's house. She fixed a lot of veggies and salad as I couldn't eat the meatloaf. We had a card game and I played with my Granddaughter! I even helped my Mother with a few things. Tomorrow, I will be watching my Granddaughter while her Mommy works. I'm drinking a lot of fluids and plan to go to bed early. I'm so happy to be feeling better. Being gamble free just puts me into a different frame of mind.


I wanted to get in a quick post before my Granddaughter arrives. I'm feeling better today. I went to bed early and I'm awake early! My Granddaughter keeps me on my toes as she is pulling herself up and taking steps. She is only a little over 9 months but I think she is going to be a early walker. I woke this morning feeling grateful not depressed worrying about my losses. That's a good feeling. Things aren't perfect but that's life. It's easy to focus on the negatives but when you find the positives it changes your whole outlook. Today I will not gamble. I will live in the present and enjoy my life. Have a great gamble free day everyone!


I'm feeling even better today! My Granddaughter is taking a little nap. My 2 sales yesterday didn't come through. I'm ok. Saturday, I will have my Daughter make the deposit for me when we get back from my Grandsons birthday party. Even though money is tight, I shouldn't complain. There are many others that have less and it seems like there is always something that needs to be paid. Money!!!!! I'm grateful that I am gamble free. Life is never perfect but mine is very content and peaceful. Some may think it is boring but I like it like that. Have a great gamble free day everyone!


Just a short visit to say thank you for your posts on my thread. Such little things mean such a lot. I am really pleased you are feeling better.


This morning I was listening to the rain and watching the geese by the pond across from me. Life is really cruel sometimes! It makes you question things. I ran into my youngest Daughters friend and her Mother at the grocery store yesterday evening. The Mother is in a wheelchair now. She has lupus and many health issues from it. I'd seen her shortly before my Granddaughter was born. She is my age and has decided to stop all treatment, surgeries, ect... On top of that her Husband was just diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. They are very wealthy and were generous as they bought a bassinet for my Granddaughter and threw a baby shower for her. It's sad and makes you realize how fragile life is. So while I feel like sometimes I've really screwed up my life, it is fixable. No gambling! Live in the present. Love my family and friends. Be kind to everyone as you don't know what they are going through.


I’ll take a boring life anyday!

Glad you are feeling better!

Sounds like you had a great time with your grand daughter!

Happy to read you’re being accountable to your daughter. It really eases some stress, pressure and temptation.

I’m having a tight month too! If I didn’t have so much on it wouldn’t be a problem.

Enjoy your peaceful day,

Love K xxx


Thanks Kathryn for your post! My Granddaughter is taking a little nap so I have time to jot a few thoughts. I've figured out that I can work on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays as I babysit the other days. I'm not sure of the specifics yet. Looking at the ads and thinking of placing my own ad. ???? A little bit more money coming in would help. I will figure it out. I told my friend here that I've banned myself and I won't be gambling. We will see if the friendship will survive. It rained today and is very cold here. I wish I had bought a home with a fireplace. Maybe next winter, I can buy a fake one. I'm still feeling better. Mentally, I think that I'm in a better place than I've been for a long time. I'm seeing things clearer and I know that gambling can't be in my life. I finally have faith in myself.


If the friendship was based on gambling, Lizbeth, you are better off out of it. I met a few "friends" in the casinos. When I stopped gambling, I often had thoughts of getting in touch and I did with one or two. Guess what the conversation always led to???

I think you have a wonderful way of bouncing back and seeing the good in everybody, Lizbeth. The downside of being too kind is that we can be taken advantage of.

I think it was Mother Teresa of Calcutta who said

"Be kind anyway!"or words to that effect.

Have you any particular type of job in mind ?Will earning money affect your pension?

Perhaps the local Employment Dept. might know of some available jobs. One bit of advice I would give is not to take on a long commute. I worked 12 hour shifts when I went back to work at age 52 and had a 35-40 minute drive both ways.

I hear you about not having a fire, Liz. We have 2 stoves and an open fire.

I don't think I could live with artificial heat .

All first world problems!

Not gambling is our greatest bonus.


Vera, Thanks for your post! I can't make over a certain amount or it will affect my pension but I'll never meet that working part time. I'm more worried about being in a higher tax bracket. It would have to be in town. No long commutes. If I wanted that, I would move back to the city. I think my friendship will be over as she isn't interested in going to the movies or really doing anything. That's ok. I can make more friends. My choices in my price range were limited when I bought my home. A fake fireplace would work but it will have to wait till I'm in a better position financially. This year I will have 2 small loans paid off. I'm paying very high interest rates. Then more money will be freed for savings. Vera, I feel like I've been taken advantage of in the past but I would not go back and change what I was able to do to help others. It's another lesson learned. You're right, not gambling is our biggest asset.


I have a few minutes to journal my thoughts before my day begins. Fear and stress just add to your anxiety. Sometimes we have to let go and give it to God. That's what I'm experiencing now. I have a few extra yearly bills due in the next 2 months. I can't stretch my money that far. I'm figuring out what else I can cut back on. Is there any bills I can juggle? I have a few more things I can sell but these items have sentimental value to me. But they are only things. Today I am going to be grateful for being gamble free, having good health and many things I take for granted. It's going to work out. I do have faith.


Morning Liz!

It's been a little bit since I was able to catch up with you. I'm glad you are finally feeling better. That was a long haul!


They have some beautiful electric and propane fireplaces now. Definitely something to put on the wish list for the future. Nice to feel like a future without gambling and it's consequences is a real possibility. One saved for, earned and enjoyed. You have made so many changes in the past month. Making all sorts of connections yourself. You are an example to your daughters. And to your mother. She may never change but don't doubt the fact that there are changes in you that may spark some slight awareness in her before her death.


I'm really proud of you Liz! Which may not really mean anything as after all I'm kinda a strange sort of pen pal! But I hope you are really proud of yourself too. Sometimes it takes a long time to figure out what to change or how but you have found your groove!


Have a good day Liz. You've made sure it will be gamble free. Laura


Laura, Thanks for your support! I do feel proud of myself! It is a good feeling. I went over my finances and cut back on some of my monthly payments and I juggled, I think I will be able to make all of my bills the next few months. Yes, it will be tight but I can do It! Surprisingly, a cashiers check was in the mail today for the mortgage payment, which I've already paid. I've asked my youngest Daughter to deposit it for me tomorrow. I am going to treat my Daughter and myself to Chinese food on the way home Saturday from the birthday party. I know a inexpensive place that has good food. I hardly ever eat out and we don't have any Chinese restaurants here. Little things! No gambling =happy life!


Glad to read you have sorted those finances out! Money may be tight, but they’ll be paid!! Once it’s done it’s done!!!!

Dames has gone away for he weekend. I finished work early and dropped in to see Brea and Tex. it was lovely!

I’ve had a nice hot shower, scrubbed my hair and have a new nightgown on that Brea bought me for Christmas.

It’s almost my bed time. I’m working all day tomorrow with Jode, we are cleaning. A big day but one spent with my best friend.

Have a good weekend,

You’re doing great! Enjoy the chow!!! Yummmm!!!

Love K xxxx


Thanks Kathryn for your post! I'm going to bed way too early as it is dark here by 6pm. So I'm waking in the wee hours of the morning. Today, I have some bills to pay and rake up the front yard from the windy storm the other night. I have a HOA so I need to keep up on everything. Today will be another gamble free day!


I'm getting ready to travel to the city for my Grandsons birthday party. It's about a 1 1/2 hour drive one way. We will be traveling back after dark. I'm not crazy about it as it is mountain roads but it is doable. The last few days I've been struggling with my recovery. It's been a battle in my head. I'm really trying to do the right thing as I will loathe myself if I gamble and put things into jeopardy if I use money tagged for bills. I'm fighting hard right now! Please pray for me. There is no way that I will be able today so I'm hoping the urges will subside soon.


Just said a prayer for you. I always think when an urge comes up, that I am going for life not destruction because that literally is the choice we are making. Think of me stuck in my own personal hell for 5 months now and make good choices. Gambling to self destruction is what got me to this point. Now have you got your barriers in place? I know there probably isn’t anyone that can manage your money for now but surely you have blocked on line gambling sites?

Thinking of you and hope you have a good time at your grandsons party.


Thanks Monicau for your support and prayers. I have barriers in place and my youngest Daughter is helping me with accountability. I've never gambled online. But there are other forms of gambling besides casinos that I've abused: scratch tickets, lotto tickets. These are very addicting. I haven't bought any for years. Just having these overwhelming thoughts in my head is irritating. I'm choosing to focus on my Grandson and my family today. The urges and thoughts will pass. PS: I feel like I can be very resourceful when needed. My cell phone (which I just paid off) wasn't holding a charge. I can't afford another phone right now but I don't have a landline. I went online and troubleshooted the problem and I've fixed it!! Yeah !


Thanks Monicau for your support and prayers. I have barriers in place and my youngest Daughter is helping me with accountability. I've never gambled online. But there are other forms of gambling besides casinos that I've abused: scratch tickets, lotto tickets. These are very addicting. I haven't bought any for years. Just having these overwhelming thoughts in my head is irritating. I'm choosing to focus on my Grandson and my family today. The urges and thoughts will pass. PS: I feel like I can be very resourceful when needed. My cell phone (which I just paid off) wasn't holding a charge. I can't afford another phone right now but I don't have a landline. I went online and troubleshooted the problem and I've fixed it!! Yeah !


The urges will subside, Lizbeth , when they know they have no outlet.

I hope you enjoyed your grandson's birthday. Family occasions can cause us to be apprehensive . The CG part of our make up will always be there to offer us a "crutch". Ignore that temptation. Lizbeth.

We know how to walk without crutches now. We have a superior bag of tools!

We know where gambling always leads us!

Not today, Liz!

Drive safely!


Vera, The urges did subside! We just arrived home. The party was fun. My Grandson is taller than me. Which is no surprise as he is going to be very tall like his parents. He is 12 years old now and on the cusp of being a teen. My youngest Daughter had fun. Just to think that 9 Months ago my Daughters didn't even talk to one another. A lot has changed and my Granddaughter has helped pull our family together. My Grandson loves his baby cousin and is so gentle with her. She was sent to us!!! I believe in miracles. No gambling for me!


Today I'm feeling so low and depressed. Honestly, I've been feeling this way for the last couple of weeks. Even the people closest to me don't even notice. There's no connection there! Sometimes I feel so alone and isolated. I feel like just giving up ! I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels. But something inside of me won't give up! So there still a little spark inside of me.


Lizbeth please my friend hold on to that little spark and never go into complete darkness, I am so sorry I haven't posted to you for a while I have just been struggling myself and in truth also been in complete darkness and really struggling to find any light or any spark, but you are so very right there always is and please never forget that.


I understand when you say there seems to be know connection with certain people and I find it the same no one really seems to know me..........know what I want.......what I need.....what I am about..........but hey keep fighting my friend please.


So now onto the calming side after my panic rant lol, just take a step back and look out a window or yet again go for a walk, walk or look slow Lizbeth not quick or fast.......look at silly things like trees, flowers......birds........water.......I strongly believe there is something in everything...........I don't want to upset you by saying the wrong thing but your husband is in all those things...............because he is around you always close by I have always felt and believed the people we loved who have passed from the world are still so very close to us, I cant share everything I know on here because people will just think I am weird (more weird than they think I am now lol) but I promise you Lizbeth with regards to certain things I know more than most and that's all I can say.


Lizbeth I love seeing you around and always love reading your posts just so very sad at times to see you struggle so much, I have a scan tomorrow and in truth I know its not going to be great as I know my own body, but hey I am 41 years old and in fairness I have enjoyed my life very much.....probably too much to be fair lol...........and there is two ends of the spectrum here........grandma in law is 92 and still fighting on and my friends daughter 4 years old and struggling to survive a really bad situation......whatever happens I know I am very lucky.


Lizbeth you are a wonderful women and I am so very happy to know you, please don't reply today I know it takes a lot of energy at times but please just read..............relax and enjoy.......breath the fresh air outside your door and relax......contemplate life but please don't regret........we all do what we do and in truth if I had my time again I would do exactly the say............am I stupid most probably but hey whos perfect.


Lizbeth my friend my thoughts and heart are with you, keep smiling and most of all please never give in!


Your friend always.


Maverick


Maverick, Thank you for your post! My Husband and Grandmother are always with me. So I'm not alone! I've had many experiences regarding them. Things a lot of people either wouldn't believe or would make them think that I'm very strange. So i will just leave it like that. I went and saw my Granddaughter today. I played with her and acted silly. It helped release some stress. She looks at me and sees Nana, not this sad person, insignificant person. I know that only I can change how I feel. No one else can do that for me. It's easy to stay stuck but I'm trying to move forward. I was so tired this afternoon so I curled up on the couch and slept a few hours. I feel like my mind is clearer. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm not gambling!


I'm a believer!!! Ive had a few things happen to me over the years too.......

Oh Lizbeth, don't you see?

You are not insignificant.

Look at your granddaughter. She obviously adores her nana. You are a massive part of her life.

What about your daughter? What would she do without you?

Not to mention GT......

Your name is all over this forum. Not insignificant, but clever, smart, witty, truthful, soulful, deep, thoughtful and full of advice and support.

You affect people in ways you will never ever know.

Everything you say and do affects someone in some way.

I think that is a wonderful quality, to touch others you have never even met. To take the time to post, to read, to listen.

I know you are in a funk, it will pass.

I believe when we feel down a wall goes up. We don't want to communicate, we feel isolated and alone.

I know those around you can see this.

Maybe they just don't know what to say and hope it passes?

Keep being the beautiful person you are.

You are ANYTHING but insignificant.

Love K xxxx


Good morning Liz. Your visit to your oldest daughter's for your grandson's birthday party went well! The anxiety before and and the relief after probably triggered some urges as I see you were having some around that time. So much support here, I hope you feel a little less alone. I think you may be falling victim to PAWS. It's just something to keep aware of as your gamble free time adds up.


This information applies to gambling addiction also, they are finding more and more similarities to how our brains react to gambling and drugs.


https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm


hope this info helps.


Keep up the great work Liz. One day at a time!


Laura


Curling up on the couch for a sleep is the best medicine when we are tired, Lizbeth. You had a long journey and a party to enjoy, in between. Travelling as we get older , and with increased traffic, can be stressful in itself. Remember, you are also recovering from flu and none of us can act like 25 year olds anymore!

Saying no to gambling today will strengthen you to give the same response tomorrow.

As soon as the thought flashes into to your mind , stamp your feet and shout "NO"!

It works!


Hi Lizbeth

Have just been reading through your recent posts and thought I would share my favourite quote with you -


'Happiness can be found even in the darkest of places if one only remembers to turn on the light'


Lots of love xxx


Thank you everyone for your support! I am in a funk. No motivation. Feeling lost. I wanted to isolate again today but I didn't. One of my Nephews is in town. I spent some time with him, my Daughter, Granddaughter and my Mom. I also forced myself to go grocery shopping. I looked at the ads and clipped coupons. I was amazed at how much I bought and how little I spent. I tried to talk to my Mom and Daughter about my depression, ect.. but my Mom isn't very empathetic and my Daughter is going through some of her own stuff right now. So I really appreciate all of your support right now! Our 1 department store is remodeling and hiring temporary help for 4 Months. Of course something is wrong with my computer and my tablet and phone doesn't support their website. I'm going to the library tomorrow morning to do the application online. I called the personnel office and almost all of the positions are full. I'm still going to give it a try. My money issues are all not from gambling. But it didn't help! Compulsive shopping and spending recklessly, and some poor financial decisions helped to put me in this situation. When you can't pay your bills, it is the most helpless feeling. I don't want to lose my property as it is one of the only stables in my life. I can't downsize as property here is very expensive. I've gone through all of my options in my head. More income is neede. It will only be temporary. I've been out of the workforce for 9 years. Before that, I was at the same job for over 25 years. So this is kind of scary for me and a big leap. I didn't gamble today. I can't gamble tomorrow!


Hi Lizbeth

Getting out and meeting people is a great tonic for a low mood.i hadn't heard of PAWS before but it does make sense.

I hope the application goes well. Being back in work may well give you a new lease of life . Hope your world feels a little brighter today.


Thanks i-did-it for your post! I've been awake again for awhile. I'm going to sleep very early in the evening. I'm just exhausted! Laura, I've just read the PAW article. It describes what is going on with me. It does make sense. Im so off. I'm not myself. I've always compared gambling addiction to other additions. Today, I'm determined to make it a good day. Of course, no gambling! I will be picking up my Granddaughter after submitting my application. I'm asking for a night shift so I can still watch my Granddaughter. My Mom can help for a few hours a day. I feel so drained, everyday. I need to find a solution as this is getting overwhelming. I do look for the light everyday but it's hard to find!


I have no motivation but mustered up enough energy to go to the library this morning and submitted my application on line. I then went and picked up my Granddaughter! I put together a high chair that was sitting in a box. My Granddaughter is walking with assistance from her walking toy. She is into everything! LOL. I had a lot more energy 12 years ago when my Grandson was born but I'm managing. Hope to get out of this funk soon!


I'm still feeling low and struggling but I'm getting through the day. I need to stay strong for my youngest Daughter and my Granddaughter and myself. I cant lose myself. I'm hoping to hear about employment that I applied for yesterday. I will have to look into other avenues also. Hanging in there! No gambling.


Hi Liz

Completely get how you are feeling, remember you have just had a flu virus which always has a bit of an aftermath. Good luck with the job hunting. We are both actively looking and I wish you well in your search.


Thanks Monicau for your post! Oh my, my house, yard need some attention. I can't believe how long the flu kept me down! Well, I have a interview tomorrow! The job is temporary, 4 months as it is a store remodel. If I get it, the money will pay my property taxes, 2 small loans and enable me to save the rest. Keep your fingers crossed for me!


Praying you get that job Lizbeth .

Are you struggling because of the flu or struggling with gambling?

Either way I hope the struggle gets easier xx


Thanks i-did-it! I hope I get the job also. I'm struggling with gambling thoughts but I've banned myself from the local casino. I've been depressed about money. Going over my finances and I'm unable to cover everything next month. This job would be the answer. The worry causes stress which triggers my gambling urges. I have to let go and give it to my higher power. I have to have faith!


PS: There are other forms of gambling which I have done, scratch tickets, lotto tickets. I don't want to go to other avenues. I have bans and barriers in place. I need to stay busy. Between watching my Granddaughter and working, I will be very busy! LOL!


Stay busy Lisbeth .

Every lotto nite I check the time and think I need to go .

Every lotto nite i get busy and when I check again it is too late .

I feel disappointed I missed out on my big win( cos the chances are high???lol) and I feel relieved I haven't gambled.


It's such a strange addiction but keeping busy is one of the best ways of controlling it


The interview went well. I have the job! Waiting for my background check to be completed. Then I will have orientation and training. Feb 11th is my projected start time. My Granddaughter is sleeping. I'm not as depressed today as I know that financially I will be able to pay off some debt. This is a big step as I haven't worked for 9 years. I will have to readjust my sleep pattern as I will be working the night shift but it is doable. No gambling today!


Wow. - massive congratulations to you Lizbeth .

Well done.

I am awestruck by your determination.

I hope you love ur work and earn loads .

Xx


Really pleased for you Liz. This is great news.


Congratulations Liz! Both on the new job and the gamble free living!


It can be tough the first while with your brain learns it must change as you are not going to give in to its demands for more! Affects moods! But making progress, finding ways to live and move forward, those things help. I've been doing some reading and cognitive behavioural therapy is one thing that is used to combat urges and gambling. Maybe do some googling or searching on you tube. It's amazing what is out there for free.


Real life might not be perfect but it's a whole lot better without the damage of gambling in it! Have a nice evening.


Laura


Thanks everyone for your posts! I passed my background check. Now I'm waiting to be scheduled for orientation and training. If I don't hear from them by Monday, I will give them a call. The next 4 months will be hectic. My Mother is going to help me with my Granddaughter while I work. A few hours in the morning so I can get some sleep. No time for gambling. I do believe in a higher power and I've been putting all of my faith in her.


I am soooo pleased for you!!!

Congratulations!!!!

I’m sure you will really enjoy it, you will meet some new people and I hope you are funk free really soon!!!

Have a great weekend!


Thanks Kathryn. I'm a worrier, big time! I haven't gambled! I'm so glad that I banned from the only casino in town as I think I'd be gambling right now. I haven't bought scratch tickets either, though I've wanted to. I made all of my bills this month. Next month will be a different situation. Even working, I won't get paid in time to cover everything. So, some things will be late. Oh, I have to let go of the worry as it causes me so much stress. Tonight my Granddaughter is spending the night so my Daughter can go out. I will focus on the joy she brings me. I will live in the present and have faith that everything will work out. Have a great gamble free weekend everyone!


I have orientation on Tuesday then job training the rest of the week! Feb 11th will be my start date. I don't have to buy any clothing as I have clothes that fit the dress code and shoes. I'm excited! It is a manual job as we have to remodel and re-stock the whole store and it is large as it is our only department store. I will have to get acclimated to standing for 8 hours. Thank goodness that I have brand new shoes with good support that I bought some time ago. I'm breaking them in now. LOL! Honestly, since I received that call, I haven't had any gambling urges. I have renewed hope that things are looking up!


Truly great post Lizbeth .

You are always an optimistic person and your optimism has paid off .

I love when I don't have to buy work clothes ( seems such a waste !)

I think the job sounds fabulous and as well as earning you will get to meet new people

And it's extra good you are not having urges '

Well done Lisbeth - this didn't just happen - you made it happen !


Thanks i-did-it for your post! I really try to find the positives in life but sometimes it's hard. I have to be resourceful as I have no one else to rely on. I think that's the hardest part of not having my Husband here. I always knew I could rely on him. We made it through many hard times together. My Granddaughter's stay was good. She makes me happy. I saw my Mother today. I really try with her but she still says her snide remarks and tries to discredit me. I will never figure out why. Even though it hurts, I try to blow it off. I'm going to limit the hours that she watches the baby when I work because she will be complaining about that next. It's only 4 Months and that will fly by. I wouldn't mind a part time job if I like it there. Anyways, no gambling thoughts or urges today! Hope everyone is having a great gamble free day!


My Grandson and ex son in law just called me to see how I was doing. How uplifted and happy I feel. There's nothing to compare to this feeling.


You never know, this job may lead to bigger and better things!

When I started my current job I went from a desk job to standing at least 9-10 hrs a day. It took 2 weeks for my back to adjust, it was so bad I thought of quitting !!!!

Heat packs and balm fixed me up!

You will be fine!!!!

Glad you enjoyed your grand daughter. I went and saw Tex today, hadn’t seen him all week and couldn’t stand it!! Lol! Made my heart sing.....that child!

Have a good week,

Love K xxxx


Thanks Kathryn for your post! I woke to snow this morning. We don't get a lot but it was well past due. I really believe that everything is going to be alright in my life. I didn't make this financial mess in a day so it will take some time to make things right. I have to believe in myself. Although I sometimes feel all alone in my journey except for the support from GT, I will be all right. I've been out of the workforce for 9 years so that is my only hesitation. But I'm ready to take the plunge so I can move forward. Life can be so beautiful if we let go of the negatives and just enjoy it. I'm not gambling. I don't want to gamble either. For now I'm going to curl up under the blankets and watch TV. Have a great gamble free day everyone!


I have to agree Lizbeth - the support on here has been incredible -it has certainly saved my sanity over the years . I too feel alone in recovery so the kind people on here are incredibly important for me .


I think Epsom salts baths are incredible if you have aches and pains so maybe buy in a stock so you are ready to relieve those back to work aches . Old fashioned but I swear by them !


You really are doing so well Lizbeth - I continue to be blown away by your motivation and energy .


Thanks i-did-it for your post! I have Epsom salts. I swear by it also. I wanted to share this quote as a lot of us forget self care. "You can't pour from a empty cup, take care of yourself first." author unknown. Putting myself last has always been a downfall for me. Taking care of myself and putting myself first is a priority. It will help in all areas of my life even my gambling recovery.


I think that is so right. I have earned a lot of money in my time and have supported my family financially. And what have I got to show for it? Absolutely nothing, no assets, everything in my home needing replacing. I got lost along the way. So recovery comes first now. We need to do this for ourselves, whether this is deemed to be selfish by others or not. We can do this.


Thinking of you today Monicau. I'm up early waiting for my Granddaughter to arrive. Tomorrow is orientation. Surprisingly, I'm not nervous. I just want to get this show on the road! LOL! No gambling urges! It's going to be a great day!


Good luck for tomorrow Lizbeth .

I will be thinking of you - you brave and incredible lady !

Xx


Thank you i-did-it. My oldest Daughter just text me asking if I could stay with my Grandson for a week in March. They want to go on a hiking trip. I had to say no as I am working. I feel so guilty but I have to take care of myself first! Guilt feelings are another of my triggers/issues. Something I need to work through.


Hey Liz, have a great day at orientation. I always have a guilty conscience. Doesn't really matter if I did anything wrong or not! But you can retrain yourself to know, you have to put yourself first or you can't be of support to anyone else. As your quote above shows us. Really very happy and proud of you Liz. You have tackled a lot lately. Really, banning, did some counselling, standing up for yourself more with your mom, dealing with debts and got a job! Awesome work! Epsom salts have magnesium in them which is really good for muscles. It is also one of the building blocks of our bodies. Each and every cell needs it to function. So enjoy your epsom salt bath!


Laura


Thanks Laura for your post! Orientation was fun. I even participated in the activities. The next 3 days are training (computer self paced) I really enjoyed myself today. Everyone was very nice. I really think that this will be good for me. My oldest Daughter never text me back. I never say no to her. They can go on a hiking trip some other time. No guilt feeling now! I have to take care of myself first!!! No gambling thoughts!


You’re going to love it!

Look at you participating in activities and all!!!

Great for self esteem, and keeping those gambling thoughts at bay....win win my friend!!!

Your daughter will get used to the fact that she will need to work around you for a while. She’s proboably used to having you at her beck and call!

Keep enjoying,

So happy for you!

Love K xxx


Hi Lizbeth,

You sound so alive and happy in your post .

Yes it's hard for others when we fill our time and are no available all the time - but they will get used to it .

I sometimes think saying no makes people respect us all the more .

I take it you didn't need the Epsom salts bath lol.


Hope you enjoy tomorrow.


Thanks Kathryn and i-did-it for your posts. Today was kinda of a blah day. It seemed like anything that could go wrong did. I tried to make the best of it but I was a little grouchy by the end of the day. Tomorrow is a new day! My oldest Daughter text back ok to my text saying no to staying with my Grandson for a week. I feel like I'm always there for my family and it's ok if I

say no! I might need the Epsom salts soon. My neck and shoulders are tight and sore from sitting at the computer for 7 hours! Lol! Still not having gambling urges.


I'm so bummed! I've past all of the computer tests and I'm working on the store floor. I detest it!! Really!!! I'm at home right now having lunch since its 1 hour long. I know the answer is to hang in there but I don't think that this is for me. ??????????? At least I'm not gambling.


Just think of the money Lizbeth - and ***** off the days .

I think most new jobs are horrible at the start until you find your feet , feel part of it and confident in the tasks.


When I have been in jobs I hated , I *****ed every fifteen minutes in cash lol- it kinda helped remind me why I was doing it.

Hang in there for as long as you can and get that cash together to give you a bit of relief from worry . Just keep thinking of pat day !!

It will pass - but I know it's really hard to live through

Xx


Thanks i-did-it for your supportive post! I really needed it!! I have to remember why I'm doing it! I need to hang in there. It will be a relief when i have that extra cash. A big stress relief

I have 2 days off. Time to get caught up on things. I might watch my Granddaughter tonight. I need to have more faith in myself. I am out of my comfort zone. But that can be a good thing. I need to work with it and not against it. Number 1 is that I'm not gambling!


I didn't sleep well last night. My brain wouldn't shut off. Ugh, so frustrating. I think that I am my worse critic. It's almost like I sabotage myself. I know that I am a strong woman. I've navigated almost the last 5 years without my Husband. I've rebuilt a new life, new house, new hometown. New way of living. I haven't gambled and have banned myself. I can get myself out of debt and stick to my budget. I have to give myself more credit and believe in myself!!!! I'm worth it.


Hi, thanks for your post on my thread. What is it you don’t like about your job? I am also my worst critic so know how self defeating this can be? And you are right, you can do this!


I can't pinpoint what it is that I don't like about the job. I haven't worked for 9 years, that might be part of my anxiety. I'm going to hang in there. It's only temporary, 4 months. I can do this!


4 months you can do Liz! The days go so quickly now, and I know you can do it.


Thanks Monicau! I was thinking, I worked at my last job over 25 years. This job is completely different. I have to give it time.


Well, I resigned tonight. I've never quit a job. I totally hated the job. No organization and very little leadership. I'm disappointed in myself for not hanging in there longer. It is what it is. I will look for something that suits me better. Also, I will tighten my budget more. I have a headache. Going to rest.


There’s plenty more jobs in the sea!

No use being totally miserable!

At least you know you can get a job, I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you though.

Onwards and upwards!!!

Love K xxx


Thanks Kathryn for your post. It will take me thru May to pay my obligations and be back on track. It's doable. I think I've been out of the workforce too long. Honestly, I was having anxiety attacks. It's scary what the brain will do. A part time job would be more realistic. Number one is that I'm not gambling.


Lizbeth , you are right - life is too short to be miserable !

So it will take u a little longer to get back on track- but you will.

Happiness is priceless


Thanks i-did-it. My Granddaughter is taking her morning nap so I have time for a little posting. I slept really well last night. It's a wonder what sleep or lack of can do to you! I'm planning a little walk (stroller) this afternoon when it warms up. I haven't been doing my daily walks lately. My friend (gambler) called yesterday. I was surprised. We are meeting for lunch on Friday. It was good to hear from her. She knows about my banning, ect. I am grateful that I am gamble free. Life is good!


Life is indeed too short and there are too many rubbish jobs with awful employers out there so you did the right thing for you. It is about what we will tolerate in this life and you made a good decision. Shows good self esteem. Well done! Onward and upward.


Thanks Monicau for your post and support. I think that I made the right decision on quitting the job. The supervisor and next person in line tried to talk me out of leaving. But in my heart I knew it wasn't for me. I can't be miserable. There are some things going on within my family right know. I'm listening and being supportive. I've only given my opinion when asked. Some people need to grow up!!! I am happy that gambling isn't in the equation for me. It would just mess things up!


Have a great gamble free day everyone!


I slept really well last night. But I went to bed very early so I'm awake unusually early! Lol! My family drama continues. I am being supportive but not getting involved in it. If that makes sense. My direct deposits are in my bank account. All of the money marked for debts. I must remember that worry doesn't change anything. I need to have continued faith that everything will be alright. I am doing the right things, no gambling, banning, ect... I will get through this and come out stronger than before. Sometimes I just need to find one small positive to help me through the day when I'm feeling a little down. Today: I get to spend the day with my Granddaughter! Joy!!


Well said Lizbeth - worry doesn't change anything and yet we all do plenty of it .

You are doing great - enjoy your time with Baby.


Hi Lizbeth

I understand only too well the feeling of anxiety when returning to work after years away and I think you did well recognising that your happiness is more important.

You did what was right for you and that is how it should be

Well done

Velvet


I seem to have done my fair share too although have had a fair few things to worry about. I agree re grandkids, seeing mine on Sunday. These what appear to be small things actually bring a lot of joy. I really like your statement about having faith that everything will be alright. I need to cultivate that!


Thanks Monicau for your post. I can't compare my problems to yours. Sometimes I feel ashamed that I'm complaining while you are going through so much. I keep praying for you. Tonight I decided to give myself a little treat, a vegetarian pizza and side salad. Little things really lift my spirit. I did some socializing today. I went over to my friends new place that they are renovating. Tomorrow is cleaning and laundry day. Fun, not!!! My Grandson called and he has straight A's again in school. I found room in my budget to buy a little something to send him. So precious but growing up too fast! No urges! But I know I will only be one step away from gambling. I don't think you are ever cured. One day at a time!


I had a good feeling moment yesterday evening. I recommended a guy who has done some hauling work for me to my friends who are renovating their home. He is supporting a Daughter and works 3 part time jobs. That's a trade off for living in a rural area. They liked him and have a lot of work for him. They also gave him some furniture, like new. He text me, so appreciative and thankful. Just had to share.


I couldn't quite catch up on everything Liz, sitting is done for the moment. But you are navigating what you need to. You are making your own decisions. Taking care of your own sanity. Other jobs out there more suitable to you. Thanks for posting. keep up the good work and remember all the great things about Liz! xo


Today I've struggled with negative thoughts. All of the what if's and regrets and fears of the future. I know I have to stay my course and get through this. I managed to go grocery shopping and went over my budget as I needed baby supplies. I cleaned and finished laundry. My youngest Daughter is struggling. Her manipulative ex boyfriend and father of my Granddaughter is out of jail and calling her. She has broken up with her new boyfriend. I fear she will return to the city and him. He does drugs and cheats on her. I fear my Granddaughter will end up in a bad situation. Also that my Daughter will return to drugs. I can't stop her as she is a adult. It's enough to make one want to relapse. I'm staying strong and trying to be a positive influence for my Daughter. Oh, life can be hard!


Hi Lizbeth,

Those are rather huge worries you have Lizbeth . I probably should know but do you see a counsellor - that is a lot to carry on your own.

Of course none of this might happen - your daughter is an adult but could you speak to her about it all. Could her ex have come off drugs while in jail? I think asking a few questions might help .

Well done on setting a good example xx


Ugh!!!!


I found a way to gamble yesterday! Omg! I have the gambling hangover and I've further damaged my money situation. I can only blame myself. I am so scared right now. Why? I self destroy myself. As i-did-it stated in her post, I've missed a lot of opportunities because of my gambling addiction. I've done so much counseling, family, marriage and addiction. I'm not getting something. Today I just want to be free of the ties of my gambling mind. I hoped that I didn't wake up this morning. I just wanted the pain to end. What kind of role model am I? Right now, I feel like a useless, horrible person.


Lizbeth,

Just as I have identified people putting me down is a trigger for me I think maybe worrying is a trigger for you . Could you on some level want a big win to get your family away from danger ? Or perhaps you just want to escape the worrying for a little while.

I feel gutted for you and I don't suppose any amount of advice is going to tell you anything you don't already know . Just be kind to yourself Lizbeth - forgive yourself And try to move on .

You are not horrible or useless - and you are a great role model of love and caring, for your children - which is the best kind of role model any of us can hope to be


Remember each of us are so much more than a stupid addiction xx


Dear Lizbeth

Brush yourself down and be thankful you have not damaged yourself beyond repair.

I am so pleased that you woke up this morning so that you could write in a forum where you are cared for very much.

You are a great role model because when you have a slip you don't dress it up with excuses but you face it and get on with your life.

I think you have got ‘it’ but ‘it’ temporarily fell off the shelf and now ‘it’ needs a bit of tlc and understanding.

Believe in yourself Lizbeth. See gambling for the enemy it is to you, accept that your mind will turn to it when you are not feeling on top of things but ‘know’ without a shadow of doubt that you have the strength to control it.

Speak soon

Velvet


You are going through huge stress at the moment.

Don’t let this set you back.

It’s a slip.

Nothing more.

Gambling hangovers are awful!

Just keep swimming my friend.

Velvet is right, the addiction will rear its ugly head when we are at our weakest.

I need to keep that in mind myself.

Love K xx


Hi Liz,

Do you have barriers? How did you get access to gamble? I think everyone has said the right things and it is just a slip. It looks like worry for you particularly about the family that is a trigger. I was triggered today too with an email saying my six month timeout was over.

Anxieties are so difficult to deal with on our own, we need to share them. R u still seeing your counsellor?


Hi Liz,

Do you have barriers? How did you get access to gamble? I think everyone has said the right things and it is just a slip. It looks like worry for you particularly about the family that is a trigger. I was triggered today too with an email saying my six month timeout was over.

Anxieties are so difficult to deal with on our own, we need to share them. R u still seeing your counsellor?


Thank you everyone for your kindness and support. I think that there are ways around barriers if you want to gamble bad enough. I found a way unfortunately. I've come to the conclusion that I've been a unhappy person for many years. I feel that when I was dealing with people that I love addictions that I lost myself and my happiness. It started 13 years ago and included a infant, my Grandson whom we parented for 5 years. It changed me completely. A lot of pain and uncertainty, loneliness. Trying to keep a marriage together also..my Husband's death. I don't think I've dealt with things in a healthy way.

My whole world was turned upside down. Instead of learning, I jumped into addiction myself. I could have been a drug user, alcoholic, but I choose to be a gambling addict. Tears are falling now as this is so painful. Today, I was in the middle of family drama concerning my youngest Daughter. Believe it or not, my Mother and I are on the same page with this, only our approach is different. I've been through a lot of counseling through the years. There are 2 counselors in town. I've seen them both, multiple times. I feel like they are not knowledgeable about addictions. This week I have to deal with the aftermath of my slip. The overdraft fees, ect. I'm putting things into jeopardy. I think I can cover everything this month with my direct deposit on the 15th. I really didn't want to wake up today. I'm ready to go on to the next life. But i woke up and have to face everything. I'm very miserable and unhappy. I never have found my niche or place in life. I have no passion. I need to live my life for me and find my happiness. I don't want to go on like this.


I was thinking the other day about how amazing some of the folks are on this site. That included you. We have all been through so much loss and pain which seems to be part of the human condition. It’s crummy and Lord knows why some suffer far more than others. Some of it is our choices and I acknowledge that but some is just stuff that happens. I think we look at our lives when we get to 60, a time of deep reflection. We no longer believe the rubbish we are sold on tv and the news. And We lose our belief in many things we find to be fake. Like you, I chose gambling as an addiction, because I had lost too much in life and chose gambling as my escape. I too have been very unhappy from just before I started gambling six years ago now. Deeply unhappy, possib.y the deepest because there was a large spiritual component to it. But we have to go on, despite it all. I know that feeling well of not wanting to wake up and I have felt mostly like that In Recovery but also when losing heavily in action. I want to go on because of those who I love in this world, my children and grandkids. They do not need me leaving the planet right now. And neither do I or you. We have to recover. And as for finding our passion in life, this changes over time. Things I was interested in years ago no longer interest me. It will always change. What things interest you?


Monicau, I believe we are all a little damaged. Some things are in our control, some aren't. My kids and Grandkids are my life also. I'm just so tired! This addiction is so overwhelming and draining. I've never have felt revalent. I've always have had low self esteem. Many things in my life have contributed to these feelings. I think when you get older you aren't so naive and you can see through the crap. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I want the pain I feel to go away. But that's not going to happen as I would never commit suicide. So, I have to continue on and try to make a more healthy life. I am in charge of my happiness. My interests: vegetable gardening, taking walks, fishing. I'm not a crafty/artsie person. Would like to be .


I can feel myself unraveling! I'm going into a deep depression. I'm filled with sadness and I feel very alone. The only support I have is here. I'm going to try and get outside today and get some sun. Otherwise I'll stay in bed all day.


Dear Lizbeth

I hope you are getting out of bed and getting some of that sun. Staying in bed is going to keep you locked in your sad feelings whereas sun and fresh air can breathe hope into your thoughts.

I think a lot women feel alone at times even when they are not, I can’t answer if men feel this too. I find the feelings inexplicable when I have them and it doesn’t help when people tell me to ‘come on, you’re alright’. On this site though we don’t say that, we understand.

I suggest you make yourself a nice drink and perhaps read a book that has positive characters in it. Think about the things that give you pleasure, the successful things that you have achieved – your grandchildren, your children during their good times, your gamble-free days, the regard that people have for you on here.

Do you remember the running thread that used to be on the site, where we all listed the thing that made us happy – I loved the posts that mentioned going for a walk on a spring morning, going barefoot in soft sand, watching a child sleep? For me it would be playing my ukulele (probably badly) and singing with my friends. .

Life isn’t perfect Lizbeth but duvet days don’t make it better. Write a list of things you could achieve today and then tick them off as you do them – don’t make it too difficult.

Thinking of you

Velvet


Velvet, Thanks for your post! I really needed some logical input today. All of my support comes from this site. I am alone. When I am going through difficult times, my own thoughts can make things worse. So, today I'm not going to think about my gambling aftermath. I'm going to just try to make my day as positive as possible.


All my support comes from this site too and it has been a little quiet of late. Vegetable gardening and growing things is pretty amazing. I know that feeling well of just sliding into a deep depression. I wasn’t like this before gambling so that is the cause of it. And the past few months for me have all been duvet days cos I can’t afford to go out the door! The depression lifts somewhat when we stay gambling free. It isn’t as bad as it was before. It still is t good because of my situation but the wanting to die has gone. Gambling is our enemy Liz and we need to treat it as such. It is a false friend. And it is the biggest drainer of all in every way. I hope your day is going better, they fly past so quickly.


Lizbeth ,

I have a busy life but I think truth most of my support comes from this site- it is really important to me - I read your posts and I think your life is so full- I guess none of us know how another feels .

Keep strong Lizbeth- you've got this !


Hi Liz,


I think a problem a lot of us have on here is trying to find something that is as exciting as gambling was, but something healthy. The problem with addictive activities is the massive release of dopamine caused by these activities. Our brains are not able to process these activities in a healthy way, so when we experience them all we can think about is "Remember this! This is important!". As advanced as our brains our, it's amazing at the flaws they still have. I am struggling to find an engaging activity after gambling, everything just seems so slow and boring to me.


Overcoming an addiction requires a complete life change. Right now, I have been taking it easy and going on a lot of walks (something I never used to do). I want to explore more activities and see which ones click. Recovering is really about retraining your brain to handle less intensive stimulating activities. Over time, your brain will heal and learn to adapt to more normal scenarios. Hope you are doing well


--Nick


Thanks Monicau, I-did-it and Nick for your posts! I've read a few articles about the chemical changes that occur in the brain to addicts. It's interesting and makes sense. I took a short walk as it was cold and very windy. I haven't looked at my bank account yet. I really don't care today. I'm in that I don't care mood right now. I will have to face things but I don't have the energy now. I'm drained. Tomorrow will be better.


I finally looked at my bank account. Not good! Could be worse. I really have no words to describe how I feel right now. Disappointed in myself. Still depressed and unmotivated. I'm going to see my Granddaughter later today. That will help brighten my day. Still having urges even after this disaster.


Today I'm not feeling well. Sore throat. I'm staying home and resting. I've made a tough decision to ask a family member to sign a $2000 loan for me. I have 2 high interest loans that need to be paid off asap. Yes, I took out these loans after 2 gambling slips. I don't ask anyone for anything so this is a BIG decision for me. I have to swallow my pride and be honest and accountable to them. I am also going to ask them to help with my money and finances and to travel with me over 1 hour away where I last gambled to ban myself. The worse that can happen is that they say no. I have to get a grip on my finances. I've decided to continue my counseling as I have many other issues that I think are tied to my addict ion. It won't hurt. Hanging in there !


Hi Liz Beth

I have read most of your recent posts and well done on your honesty and putting another finance barrier to help!

The only experience I can add is i can only ever find inner peace when then head clears and sense prevails and time heals. I can only get this by stopping! Being honest to yourself and putting in the barriers will all help you achieve this and I am sure you have started your recovery

You can do it

Jappy799


Hi Lisbeth , I hope it works out with the loan - well done on your determination to self ban. Continuing counselling seems like a really goood idea .stay strong !


Thanks Jappy and i-did-it! I was nervous all morning and had a upset stomach. I made the call this evening as my family member doesn't live here. She said yes and instead of giving me cash, she is paying the bills. We agreed to a monthly repayment amount and she's not charging interest. She will go with me to ban but it won't be till next month as she has a busy work schedule. My Sister said I could talk to her anytime and that she could easily be a CG if she had more free time. She was very understanding . I am back on track financially. I'm not going to mess it up again. I have a counselling appointment next week. I have to stay on track. Feeling better now!


Today I'm feeling more hopeful! Very tired though. My Daughter called at 2am. My Granddaughter was running a high temperature. I went over and between the Tylenol and sleeping in Grandma's arms, she woke this morning feeling a lot better. Teething is awful! My bills were paid online this morning. I'm so grateful. Now it's up to me to be true to myself and do the right things. I need to stick to my budget and absolutely no gambling!!!


Lizbeth

That's great news . Being free from the awful stress means you can be available for emergencies like when your daughter needs your help with Baby.

Lizbeth , do you recognise your triggers and is there a strategy you can use when you feel triggered ?

I am asking because my slot machine addiction hardly calls to me at all recently but the urges to do the lottery are so strong - I don't really know why .

The important thing is your bills are paid and you can get on with your life !


I-did-it, my triggers are boredom and stress. If I can keep busy, I can usually get through the urges. And I'm trying to control how I react to the stress. Years ago, I was addicted to scratch tickets. I bought them daily. I thought I was doing good because it kept me from the slot machines. It's all part of the addiction. I think when I became burdened with giant amounts of stress when dealing with my Daughters drug addiction and raising my Grandson, working, ect...everything started stressing me out. My life was lived on the edge. I never knew what was going to happen. Would my Daughter be missing for weeks, parenting a infant at age 48. Trying to keep my marriage to a alcoholic intact as I couldn't deal with a divorce on top of everything else. It's a wonder that I didn't lose my mind LOL! I now realize how strong I really was. And it was worth it as my Grandson is a amazing, smart and beautiful soul. He is the love of my life! I am glad my financial mess is cleaned up as I am going to be in the city on 2 different occasions next month watching him while my Daughter is out of town. With that stress gone, I can just have one on one with him. Life can be good!!!!


Hi lizbeth4,

It was nice to read about your progress with all the different challenges and burden that life throws at you.

You have my deepest respect!

Best wishes,

Kin


Lisbeth , that is such a lot of stress especially at a time of our lives which can be difficult for us women anyway.

I guess a lot stress can be reduced by money and hence we chase the big win.

You have taken steps to reduce that stress now so you can enjoy the time with your grandson.

I'm not sure how we can avoid stress in our lives and I think the kind of stress which we have when we are older has little to do with deadlines which can be helped by a few breathing exercises ! However we have both learned that the temporary escape we get from gambling only increases our stress.

I am writing this and all the time the "big win" is swirling around my head - this disease is horrible !


Thanks Kin and I-did-it. I obviously don't handle stress very well. That is something that I continuously work on

Sometimes my brain overreactes in certain situations or I totally shut down. I still think about the big win at times. Our society revolves around money unfortunately. When I gamble, I do cause a lot of stress for myself. Why? Anyways, I'm not gambling. I'm getting back into my daily walks and taking care of my health. Life flies by so fast. Have a good weekend everyone.


Today I consciously made the effort to do something nice for my family. I spent the day with my Mom, Daughter and Granddaughter. I purchased dinner stuff and prepared it at my Mom's house. We had salmon, asparagus, and baked sweet potatoes. I bought chocolate creme puffs for dessert. It was delish. I did all of the clean up. My Mom was very appreciative. It was a good day! Tomorrow will be spent cleaning up a few leaves in the front and back yards. Maybe reading a book. I hope everyone is having a great gamble free weekend.


Hi Lizbeth ,that sounds like a really lovely day . I am considering moving closer to my family at the moment . I'm not sure if it's viable financially but I would love to able to have days like that .


You sound happy . It just goes to show that your recent decisions were the right ones.


Thanks i-did-it for your post. Today I was so unmotivated and I did nothing. I have to watch that as I seem to get into a pattern of doing nothing or little for days. I'm putting on the weight I lost. Tomorrow, I'm taking my Granddaughter for a long walk. Fresh air and exercise! Plus it helps to clear my mind.


It's been rainy and cold here. It's not helping my motivation. I've done little today. I'm watching a series on Netflix. Binge watching. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to visit my Granddaughter. No gambling=happiness.


I have spent most of my recovery time doing very little for the first time in my life. I get what you say about better to do something than nothing but really, it doesn’t matter. If you feel like doing nothing, don’t, and don’t feel guilty about it. I understand the motivation thing Liz and comes with depression and the aftermath of quitting gambling. Pre gambling I was the most driven person and now I have to give myself time and space to find the woman I used to be. And binge watching is infinitely better than gambling.


It must be a post gambling thing but I have watched a every series of my crazy ex girlfriend, all of Atypical , and several other full series of others shows since I stopped gambling .

I binge watch and love it - the great thing about Netflix is you can actually have conversations with people about it - I couldn't sit in work and discuss gambling on line until 6am!


Perhaps we beat ourselves up too much - my motivation is pretty low too - but does it really matter for now ?


Just maybe we should allow ourselves to actually enjoy those lazy days - guilt has become such a huge part of our lives .


Thanks Monicau and I-did-it for the great advice! I don't have to be motivated all the time and it's okay to have lazy days! I agree, I think the guilt of gambling makes me feel guilty if I'm not actively doing something. I've worked all of my life since age 12 (babysitting) so I'm allowed to be guilt free if I want to binge watch all day long! LOL! There's a lot of shows on Netflix and Amazon Prime!! Today was spent with my family. My Nephew cooked dinner for us and made sure to include a lot of fresh veggies for me. Almost 6 months meat free. I do feel better! Another cold and rainy day. My days are filled with more meaningful things than gambling.


So today has been a bummer! I'm sick with a cold again. I pride myself on not being sick very often but since November, it's been the flu and colds! I ventured out and bought some over the counter medicine and Kleenex! More binge watching. Through all of this, I'm having gambling urges. I think I know the source. It's coming up on the 5th anniversary of my Husband's death. The day after my youngest Daughters birthday. I have several counseling appointments before then, so I will address my feelings with her. I wonder when these overwhelming sad feelings will subside. Working on this! Good positive note: my Daughter is doing some work for my friend in town. She likes my Daughter and is very generous to her. Well, time for Netflix!


I think this season it has been recognised that colds and flu are taking a very long time to go. Nearly everyone I know has had it and go a number of times, it took 8 weeks for my chest infection to clear. But it will clear Liz.

You are making the right moves re counselling to talk about how you feel re the anniversary of your husbands passing. It will help, I am finding the gma counselling helpful and positive in very difficult circumstances. As for the sadness, we will have good days and not so good days. It is testament to the love you had for your husband that you feel like this Liz. Not gambling puts us in touch with those feelings we had stuffed down be it grief or anger and they are better out than in. Sometimes the manifestation of illness is the body processing and releasing those feelings. When we get better, the feelings pass and we can then again focus on moving forward. I feel for you Liz. Reaching 60 seems to be a deeply reflective time when we contemplate our lives and all,sorts,of sadnesses and memories emerge. But I genuinely, in all my difficulties don’t think we will be stuck like this for ever. It will pass. Lots of love to you.


Thanks Monicau for your post! I'm feeling a little better today. Watching my Granddaughter this morning while my Daughter works for my friend. Grief is so hard. I'm forever tied to all of the memories (good and bad) regarding my Husband. He forever holds a part of my heart and soul. I have to leave the what if's and regrets behind and move forward. It's time now! I've made many mistakes after his death but I've made a lot of good decisions too! It's time to really live in the present. I'm ready! No gambling =happier me!


Hi Lizbeth

I hear you about the never ending flu.

Tonight I felt

So bad I wondered should I go to hospital and yet now I feel better (kinda).

These flus are horrible -but I am trusting Monica when she says they will go eventually .

Grief is a strange thing - I'm

Not sure if you ever get over the loss of a loved one and I'm not sure that you ever stop having regrets- I'm guessing if our loved ones had went first they would be going through the same feelings.

Lizbeth you have made many great choices / decisions since the death of your husband. You are a devoted grandma and a wonderful optimistic person, no matter what life throws at you.


I made really bad choices today! I'm disgusted, hopeless and a disgrace. I can barely post here. I'm at the end of my rope! Having bad thoughts again. I'm a failure. I'm so tired of this life!


Lizbeth ,

Why are bad choices so much easier to make than good choices .

You are not a failure - you just made a bad choice !


But I understand the horrible feelings that come afterwards .

I am (perhaps wrongly) assuming you gambled .


I hope if this is the case that the damage isn't too bad .


Lizbeth you are a wonderful caring person .

You deserve peace in your life .

Stay strong

Xx


Thanks i-did-it for your kind post. I'm not feeling very deserving right know. Yes, I found a way to gamble. The loss wasn't a lot but never the less damaging. Today is Presidents Day here so all businesses are closed. Tomorrow I will need to make a few phone calls and make arrangements to make double payments next month. I will have some over draft fees and a low bank balance. The vicious cycle goes on. Today it is raining and lightly snowing. I can't continue living like this. In truth, I'm not living. I have to recognize that this defect is keeping me from living a fulfilled and happy life. Today this has to change. Life is what we make it. Right now I am living in hell. I want to be able to truly feel joy, happiness and peace. Instead I always have gambling or the residue of it lingering in my head. This has been going on for a long time. I feel like a tortured soul. Evil has been winning. Today I am taking back my life!!! Today, I just want to live in peace, happiness! It's my choice. My future depends on my choices today.


It's been a crappy day! I decided to tell a friend that I was a CG! It didn't turn out so well. I put my trust out there and that's something that is hard for me to do. She was appalled that I've gone through my savings and am having money issues. She just couldn't understand how I've been so immature. I feel like this has changed our friendship as she will never look at me the same. Learn and Live! Now I feel myself going back into my cocoon . I already felt poorly about myself. I'm dealing with the consequences of my last slip. I'm going deeper into the black hole. Next month, I will be cutting corners and paying only what I can. But I have to face this and keep remembering what happens when I gamble!


Aw Lizbeth , that is so hard.

Many people regret telling others .

I have ignored all advice to tell others.

Your friend may research gambling addiction a little and come back with a more supportive attitude . I think many people must find it totally incredible that we would throw our cash away in such a seemingly reckless manner . We find it totally incredible ourselves a lot of the time .

Addiction stinks - and unless you have got one, you don't really understand .


I hope you feel better - it is hard when we confide and then feel let down .

Onwards and upwards Lizbeth !


Thanks i-did-it. I've always been open-minded and have had a few people confide in me. I've never judged and have been supportive. Maybe I don't need her friendship anymore. When I'm made to feel badly about myself by a friend there is a problem. She acted like I had leprosy. She's no angel! Lol! This just makes me retreat into myself again. Trying to stay positive right now. Figuring what to pay next month and what bills can wait. Why do i put myself through such torture. Family issues still going on but I'm staying clear of them. I have my own issues to straighten out. Doing this on my own this time!


Something is telling me ur friend protesteth too much - cud she have a gambling problem?

Just a thought


Hi Liz,


Thought I'd stop by to offer some support. I am sorry to hear about your friend's reaction to you opening up to them about your problem. In my opinion, their answer was very immature. It falls along the same lines as someone looking at a homeless person and saying "they should just get a job". They don't know what their past was like, or their current situation. Everyone is fighting their own battles, and although your friend may not have an addiction, they should be able to show a little sympathy towards you. Just my 2 cents.


Anyways, I believe in you. I believe in all of us. Getting over an addiction means creating a lifestyle change. I've never really had goals or values before, but I added a couple values:


- Never act on anything out of impulse (except survival situations)


- Be true to yourself


I do not fight urges. I understand that urges are part of the recovery process. The more you do not give into them, the easier it gets. Whenever I get an urge, I put it front and center, "Oh hey, I am having an urge to gamble. Let's role play this really quick and see what will happen". I then realize that whatever money I wager, I will lose. Doesn't matter if I win, I will give it back because the system is designed that way. I then bring up one of my goals: owning a house. I tell myself, "I know that whatever money I risk, I will lose. That will put me further away from my goals. Acting on this urge will also violate my value of being true to myself. I am not going to be in secrecy anymore." By the time I run through all of this slowly, the urge fades quickly. Just some tips I have used that have shown success. You can do this, I believe in you. Make some goals and create some values. What kind of person do you want to be? Then, talk things out. Be aware of your thoughts. You can create a new life for yourself, it just takes a little bit of planning and some work, but you can do it. Take care


--Nick


Thanks i-did-it and Nick for your support! I was thinking the same thing about my friend. Could she have a gambling problem? Nick, I will use your techniques when I have urges. It's worth a try! I need to set some goals and stick to them! I don't know where I'd be without the people from this site. You don't judge. You are supportive and give me good advice. I feel better after reading your posts. I'm going to be alright.


Thanks for your post on my thread. My friend who has cancer knows about my problem and just recently how she felt about it came out to the extent that I do t want to speak to her for a long time. Even though she apologised for offending me. She did much more than that so, her whole attitude and blaming of me, calling me victim mentality sickened me. I agree re idis post about friends knowing. You find out a lot by tellingbpeople we thought we trusted as friends.

Sorry you gambled. Setting goals is good as long as we have the motivation to fulfil them, something I really struggle with.


Thanks Monicau for your post! My friend wasn't really a friend. I'm hurt but ok with ending the relationship. If she had come to me with a problem, even if I didn't understand it, I would have been supportive. It hurt but I can move forward. I woke during the night feeling scared. Scared because this addiction is so intense and has robbed me of cultivating relationships, caused me stress and had ruined my finances. Deep down in my soul, I can't gamble again. I think it would send me over the edge. I've lied to creditors, people I love and to myself. I can turn this around with hard work. I just need to do this, once and for all.


Re once and for all. Surely my story of getting stuck in rock bottom is enough to stop anyone! This addiction is scary as it robs us of everything and it is insidious. We end up not trusting ourselves which is pretty awful, like we have an inner battle going on. I don’t want the addiction to win and be the end of me. As it surely will if we continue to gamble. I know I can never do it again, ever as it would also tip me right over the edge if I am not there already.. I have learned the hardest way imaginable.


Monicau, I read your posts and I know that what you are going through could happen to any of us here. If I keep gambling my finances, relationships and health will suffer. I'm not getting any younger and the stress of all of this is starting to take a toll on me. Yesterday I told my youngest Daughter about my last gambling episode and she replied that I should sell my home and move in with my oldest Daughter. ???? I don't know how that would solve my issues. Also, I never want to live in the city again if possible. I never understood what she meant by saying that. So, I've decided not to confide in her again. Posting here and being able to speak openly is the best therapy for me. Trying to get motivated to make a few phone calls and made up excuses to juggle some bills. This is the last time!!!


So I've talked to 2 creditors and they've lowered my payments for next month. The 3rd creditor hasn't replied to my email (The way they want to be contacted). This is the last time I juggle money because of my gambling. I've really been thinking hard about my years of gambling and how I've hurt a lot of people in my life. I feel so much shame and sadness because this addiction is so intense and destructive. No more! I can't gamble anymore. I want to live a good life!


liz, we are the same age. Moving in with my daughter was also suggested to me but they don’t actually have the room. This was an acknowledgement of my loneliness and Pete problem. So, I get why your family are suggesting this and they are probably looking for solutions that would help your situation, even though in reality it could,possibly cause more,problems than they solve. My mum is aged ie 84 soon and frail. But she still lives independently with support and does her,own cooking and cleaning. Leaving her home is the very last thing she would want. I support her in this and really get it. I probably would never gamble again if I lived with my family but is,it the right thing for us in our hearts? For me, it,would, just alter the dynamic of why I did it in the first place. i live in the city and cannot bear it either as fresh air, nature and and the sea Give my soul a huge sense of peace and calm. The city just has the opposite effect. I think we need to find our own solutions to where we live, what we do etc. Despite the wreckage we have caused, we still have our own needs and what resonates or feels right for us is what it is and neither of us are decrepit and beyond taking care of ourselves, well for me not totally. There is still life left there!

You haven’t played it,all down to the level,I did Liz but as you say this could easily happen to any one of us here. Getting stuck in the aftermath, bankruptcy, depression and ill heath.

So, we move on and rediscover who we are at 60. I mean, 66 is the retirement age here so there is still time to repair the damage, what age is retirement for,women in the US?


Monicau, People in the US can get Medicare and full Social security at age 65 but a lot of people work into their 70's. I am happy where I live, a rural small town. I lived in a large city till my Husband died. I have a small yard where I can have a small garden and I have a pond across from my house and get to see a lot of wildlife. I would be miserable in the city and it wouldn't solve any of my problems. My Mother is 80 and in good health. She lives down the street from me. Longevity runs in my family for the women. Most have lived into their 90's. I want the rest of my years not to be ruled by gambling. My 3rd creditor isn't working with me. I will be able to pay everything next month but them. 1 payment is doeable but not 2. I will face the consequences. I feel better as the days go by after my last gambling episode. I'm going to be alright.


I'm feeling anxious and stressed tonight. I have 2 high interest loans because of poor credit. And because of gambling. I have 1 more payment on one loan and 9 more payments on the other one. What a nightmare. So frustrating. Never again!!!! What a waste of money. I am just sick to my stomach. I have to let go of it but not make the same mistake again.


I had a restless night. Replaying things in my head. Omg! All of the stupid things I've done for gambling. I became someone I didn't like or know. One thing I now realize , it's never too late to turn your life around and stop the gambling, the madness. It may be hard to get out of debt and regain the trust of people you care about , but if you comitt to recovery, it is possible. I'm starting my new life! Exciting!


Last night I couldn't sleep again. So, I looked up some verses in the Bible regarding money, worry. They helped to soothe me and I slept for a good 6 hours straight. I had the money to pay bills until I blew it on my last gambling episode. Why would I continue to fo this when I know the pain it causes? I've written down some goals for myself this year. All are obtainable if I don't gamble. Today, I am posting online some items for sale. Hoping to make a little money. Next Sunday I will be in the city with my Grandson for 1 week while my Daughter is on a back packing trip. It will give him and I some bonding time. We are expecting some rain and snow this afternoon. Yuck!!!


Hi Lizbeth

I’m glad that you have made your goals obtainable Lizbeth, I am a list writer and I always make sure I can complete the ‘to do’ list by not putting much on it.

Have a lovely week with your grandson Lizbeth and forget your worries for a while.

Velvet


Thanks Velvet! My goals are obtainable and I'm excited to achieve them. It snowed a little yesterday and is cold here. Just enough snow to make the forest look beautiful. Although it's only been a short time since I've gambled, I feel so good about it and don't miss it at all. In fact, I feel relieved. A week from now I will be with my previous Grandson, creating memories. What could be better?


Today I am crushed, sad. I've been crying and so heartbroken. My Mother unleashed on me again. This time was in front of my Daughter and Granddaughter. She told me to get my axx out of her house. I was told how terrible of a human being I am and she tried to demean me with horrid statements. She became aggressive and in my face. I am so sad. I have no bond with my Mother. I'm devastated! I won't go back. As I live in a small town and down the street from her, maybe I should move back to the city. Of course, I won't make any sudden decisions. I have to weigh everything. I have to investigate if I will be able to rent a apartment as my credit is poor. As much as i love it here, cutting myself off from her completely is what I need to do. Surprisingly, it didn't trigger any gambling urges. I'm stronger than I thought!


My day is getting better! I watched my Granddaughter for a few hours. She is precious! She is 10 1/2 months and already taking a few steps. My Daughter was supportive and gave me a lot of hugs. I am in charge of my happiness. I am breaking the bad patterns. Ones I've lived with since childhood. Not gambling makes me have to deal with life and reality. As hard and emotional as it was today, it was a life turning moment. Life continues and I will be ok.


Hi Liz,

sorry it's been so long since I stopped by. I've been busy healing from surgery. In my case that seems to involve a lot of sleep. So much has happened I'm to sure what to say first. I think Nick has some good practical suggestions about how to deal with an urge. I know P used to talk about surfing urges like a wave, something to google for another day.


I'm glad Monica, IDI and Velvet were around. When in my gambling days I would feel I was on a downward slide into a deep dark pit of despair, anxiety and destitution. I would keep thinking I'd get off the slide at different points. Things that should shock me (like getting high interest loans behind my husbands back) only registered for a moment. As long as I had money to gamble again nothing else mattered. But that is the problem. Real things matter.


I don't know is now is the time to make such a big decision as selling your house. I'm not saying not to think about it if it is part of a well thought out plan, but be careful. Don't free up a lot of money before you have this monster under control. And only then with some strict measures in place. Or next thing you'll be wishing you got off the slide before you sold and spent it. Your daughter was probably thinking strictly from money standpoint when she said sell and move in with your older daughter, would free up money without your other daughter losing her home. But the dynamics would do your head in I would think.


It's sounds like your mom has always chosen you to torment and be downright nasty to. You've never been offensive in anyway here Liz, and you've been here a while. True character takes time to bubble to the surface when we meet someone. And I've never seen anything in your character that earns you the treatment your mother gives you. If she won't respect you Liz, please respect yourself. Don't go back for more punishment xo

So the topic of friends, telling people we are a CG or not, and what to do. I've been of the mind the fewer but trusted people that know the better. I have a ring of people around me who chose to understand the addiction because they loved me and one who was a fellow CG her self. We were roughly of the same time but then I went a little awol. Anyway I am so very lucky in that way, that I have people like that. People who I truly hoped would be there for me and they were. But I also have people who were told by my husband (he told his family to which he regrets as they couldn't keep quiet about it in the family and community) and they were not so understanding. They look at you like a crazy person who went on the street corner handing out all your money. The feelings of your friend's reaction will pass, but unfortunately when a friend lets us down like that, well sometimes they just really aren't the friends we needed and thought we had. Do what comforts you Liz. But somehow gambling has to come off that list. I hope this IS your life turning moment and you can put this firmly in your past. We are all here together. Going for the same goal. Have a good night Liz, take care.

Laura


Thanks Laura for your post! I keep going back to my Mother because I want to have a bond with her. Sadly today I realized it isn't going to ever happen. Her relationship with my Sister has been trumulcherous also. My Sister has shut our Mother out of her life for 1 to 2 years at a time, several times. In fact, she just came back a few months ago after nasty things were said to her by our Mother. This time was the last time. I can't bear it any more. I wouldn't sell my home until I thought about it for a long time and weighed everything. My youngest Daughter did have my best interests at heart. I think she was thinking financially. Living with My oldest Daughter would never be my option. My friend is no longer talking to me. She wasn't a true friend as she judged me. I wish her well. I need to get a life. Really!!!! Lol!!!Thanks again Laura for your post as I know that you are recouping from your surgeries. Your support is greatly appreciated.


Yesterday i was able to sell 2 small items. I made a little money so I went to our bargain store and bought pastas and sauces, pasta side dishes and some wonderful lemon shortbread cookies. I didn't realize all the store had to offer. Today I have 3 items that have been sold, I just have to deliver. Again, small money but enough to treat my Grandson to pizza and wings when I visit in a week. My budget is so tight and still I'm $150 shy of what I need next month. I'm not borrowing from anyone as I can't afford any more payments. I want to build a $1000 emergency fund but can't find any extra money right now. Keeping my fingers crossed that I have no emergencies

Re: My family issues, although it makes me sad, I have to respect myself (Thanks Laura). For too long, I've placed myself last. Sometimes I feel all alone in this world. I have friends in the city but none know of my addiction. After my fiasco recently with a ex friend, I'm no longer willing to share this info. As for my family, there always seems to be strings attached so I don't rely on them much. I have to rely on me. I know I will be alright. My health is stable with medications and in April after my obligations in the city, I'm going to check into some part time jobs here. This time I'm not going to be picky. I'm going to do what I need to boast my income. Gambling has taken a lot away in my life but it's not taking anything else!!!


More family drama! My recovering adult daughter wants to leave and return to the city with my Granddaughter. Back to her drug addicted boyfriend. She has no car, little money, and no support there. What is she thinking?? Astonishly, I haven't had any gambling urges!!! Just heartbroken.


After meditating, praying and saying my daily affirmation, my Daughter called. She seems in a better frame of mind. I'm truly just listening as I don't want to get into my Mom lecturing mode!!! Tomorrow she has a job with my Realtor, so she can borrow my car and the baby can spend the night with me. I'm so happy that I've come to the point where the gambling urges are not surfacing as stress is a big trigger for me!! Thank you God for letting me be present and here for my Daughter.


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