I've lost everything & now my life is empty

It's been a very long time since I've been on this site, I've been battling my journey on the road to recovery offline. Recently things have picked up well for me & life was looking great as I enjoyed my gamble free days. In fact I met someone who was absolutely incredible, sweet, generous and I couldn't believe that after all the heartache of cg that I was with someone who I loved deeply and he felt the.same. I told him about the addiction and how it destroyed me and that I was clean and seeing a counsellor. He was a bit non-chalamt about, not concerned at all. He even gave me money to pay off debts which I did and sent him proof. In my eagerness to get out of debt quickly in order to start saving towards getting a house with my boyfriend i found myself at the pokies yesterday and within hours I lost an entires pay salary. My boyfriend had told me to call him if I had urges but I ignore that thought yesterday cause I was going to win. Well I lost everything and I told my boyfriend and now he wants nothing to do with me and I'm completely heart broken. He told me that I'm a fraud and that I've been using him this entire time and he was stupid for trusting me. I don't blame him for being mad and feeling betrayed but I don't know where the above things have come from. I thought our love was strong enough and no one feels more terrible and horrible.then l do. In fact I left work because I couldn't stop crying andy body is physically shaking. He gave me a lecture about not being strong enough to stay at work.

I screwed up so bad and now my future is gone and I am at my wit's end about this.

Please help with advice how can I redeem myself, I told him I'm.happy for him to have full control of my pay.

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note....

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you :-)

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

What's done is done. Maybe you can repair the damage to your relationship caused by CG, I'm not the one to tell. However, I would advise you to first set up blockades to prevent you from acting on your gambling urges. Stopping the gambling has first priority and then you can focus on the relationship because you saw what it did to it.

The most common blockades are excluding yourself from any physical and online casino that you know of and If possible, give up control of your bank account to someone you can trust and get allowances from him/her.

I hope that once you have stopped the bleeding that you can work your way back to your boyfriend, it seemed like you had a good thing going there.

I wish you the best

- Chris

Thanks Chris, l told him that I'm happy for my pay to go into his bank account etc and I'll do whatever it takes to repair it and get on the right track with both him and CG. I asked to see him tonight to talk in person earlier today and he said no, I asked again not too long ago and he suddenly has friends over tonight even though he told me he has to get up early tomorrow morning. So understandbly his hurt & he needs more time. I just need to know whether his going to give me a chance. He told me he would call me tonight.

This is my first relapse with him in my life and I didn't think he would take it to heart so much, he keeps telling me I lied to him.because I never called him last night to discuss my urges and that he had a feeling I was a user. These words etch deep inside me like a sharp knife. Tomorrow doesn't seem so bright and I don't know what to do financially as I have no money for the next 30 days, this all seems trivial though in light of losing him.

I remember my first relationship - first real love. She broke it off with me when I told her that I've been a CG the entire time with her and prior to meeting her. At the time I was relapsing and so my financials were a mess, but none of that mattered. It was the relationship and the uncertainty of its future that was worrying me, not the gambling, not the money...

I hope that he calls you and gives you another chance, but I'm afraid that there is nothing else you can now but to let him come to you.

I can relate that's how I feel, sorry that if never worked out. He did call me last night, he had many questions and was super judgemental and couldn't understand.....I will be seeing him tomorrow to talk more.

well done firstly for telling him the truth before your relapse and now.

He knew that you are a CG. It’s probably his way of dealing with the pain by blocking you off. My ex was like that and it never helped the situation with us. I found it quite selfish to be honest from my ex‘s part. I loved him and had to wait until he was willing to see and communicate with me. Our problems were not about CG though as I never gambled with him the 8 years we were together.

It must be extremely painful for you but you took the right steps in suggesting to put your wages in his account.

As hard as it may be, please focus on your recovery and what steps you can take to getting back to being GF. This is your journey against your addiction and it may bring some pain with it. If your boyfriend loves you and wants a future with you, he will be by your side to support yoU. Clearly you want to overcome this relapse and I hope that he eventually sees that. 

I told my husband I lost £19,000 within half an hour, minutes after it happene. Couldn’t deal with the guilt. Though he was angry and shocked by my actions, he forgave me and has been supporting me with my steps to avoid doing it again, including cancelling cards and including his name on my account. 

Hey thanks for your message.

I felt like some of the stuff he said was really selfish but I had to bite my tounge because I was on the verge of losing him. He doesn't understand how I relapsed, what my motivation is and that their is no little voice that lures you to cg and nothing I said helped him understand. He said that now I have to be watched for the rest of my life and his always going to wonder what I'm doing. I hope with time when he sees my progress he will begin to trust me again. 

We will be seeing each other over the weekend and discuss further. I wonder if he should speak to my counselor with him there maybe she can give him another perspective.

Hi Izzy, All you can do is focus on you and the things you can do to make your next bet less likely. Things like getting back to posting here regulalrly, maybe getting to GA meetings, excluding from gambling sites, putting blockers in place etc The actions that help us stop gambling are the actions that might help rebuild trust etc with those around us. Whatevert happens with this relationship you need to focus on you and your gambling addiction. That way you will be better placed to deal with this or any other relationship in the future.

You could also show him this site.  He would see that you aren't alone with ths problem, he will see the success stories and that there can be light at the end of the tunnel.  He might alsoo find using the Friends and Family Forum useful as well.

Thanks Charles, that's a great idea! I did try and tell him about success stories but he was too much in his head to really listen to me, I will try again.

I dont mean to sound insensitive but if he is going to turn on you the first time you make a mistake with him- it's not the first time you made that mistake but it is the first time with him- then perhaps he's not for you. He doesnt sound all that supportive when the chips were down, and thats when you need him to be. You have an issue, same as a lot of people. What would you tell me if my boyfriend dumped me over this? Keep your journey going on the right track and keep him in the back of your mind as something else you have lost over gambling, but dont punish yourself more than you already have. A little understanding goes a long way. Much longer than a kick in the pants which is all he seems to be able to share with you after you made a mistake.

Hi Izzi How are things? Any progress with communication with your bf ?

its not easy when it comes to loved ones. Have hope and do fight for your relationshi too. Walking away isn’t always the answer or easy.work through it and be patient 

tough time but you will come out of this much stronger 

Today is another day of celebrating being CG clean & the feelings of guilt and shame are slowly unhinging.

Things with Sam are good & we are both working on our trust issues. I get paid in just over two weeks and I'll be arranging for my pay to go into his bank account. We are working on a budget (a better one) to get out of debt quicker and start saving. I have a question regarding this, he will have full control of my money and whilst I trust him a part of me feels that I should request work to direct deposit a $100 of my pay (get paid monthly) and the rest can go to Daniel. Just in case I need quick cash or something happens between Daniel and I (at least I have something in the bank). Now do I need to tell him this? He doesn't know how much I get paid. However I don't want to be deceptive, it is my money though and he doesn't have access to my bank account so he won't know it's there. Now this isn't some tactic to get money to cg, I'm just concerned about giving him all my money and it's only $100.

This has caused me to lose sleep, please tell me your honest thoughts.


I have extreme difficulty handing over financial control to anyone, even my husband of 23 years. Money is an extremely emotional issue. When the suggestion is made to hand over handling of your funds, it has to be to someone who you trust implicitly. If your relationship is relatively new, I would suggest that instead of sending your money into his account, you open a joint account in both your names which requires two signatures to withdraw money, yours and his. That way he can't get to it without you and you can't get to it without him. I would also ask the bank what happens if your relationship dissolves? Can they add a caveat that states that if the relationship dissolves, only you have access to the remaining funds. Something along those lines.

I would caution strongly against putting all your money into his personal account because then, legally, it is his. Get the joint account (with no access card, of course) and that will get rid of the need for secrecy.

My two cents ...


Thanks for your advice and posting your thoughts. Sam has been helping me this month financially because I lost my entire pay recently & because of that I know I can trust him. Before the relapse he did give me money to help me pay off debt, which I did. We were going to open a joint account next month perhaps it's best it gets done beforehand. Even with the joint account I still feel like I would like some $ to go into my personal bank account, like $120 a month - which isn't at all but I found some peace of mind in that.

Maybe I can talk to him.about it, although he may not understand my thinking or justification.

Another day clean & it feels good! Feeling strong enough to handle anything that comes my way. Sam and I are doing good & we are going to talk finances this weekend, I'm actually excited about it.

How is everyone else doing? Stay away from the machines they are nasty!

Hi Izzi

Great to see your feeling positive and are ready to talk finances. Recovery should be fulfilling and exciting however this is also the time we think were strong enough to handle anything that complacency creeps in.

Take it slow and consider everything, the big decisions are the ones we focus on… the seemingly irrelevant decisions we tend to overlook, its these that come back to bite

Keep going and be kind to yourself

Hi Izzy,

Read up to what you were posting at the top of this thread, jsut a shjort time ago when you thought you were losing your b/f.

Trust was the biggest issue so my advie would be to be as open as you can now. If you want easier access to a small sum of money thne there is still no reason why you can't be accountable for how it is spent. If you need it in an emergency then you can show him the recept for that emergency.

You stopped gambling before and trhen stopped posting here - I hope you learn from that and keep using support to maintain your recovery.

Keep posting and let us know how that discussion with your b/f went.

Hey everyone,

Things are going good and me and my boyfriend are still together and going well. I got paid 5 days ago and I haven't had any desires to gamble, my money is in one of my bfs accounts which he has given me a keycard to, he also has access to check my spending. For now this is working for us & we are putting things in place to maximise debt reduction. I have managed to pay off one of my credit cards and will be calling the bank soon to close it. I am so happy to think that my debt is now under 19,000 -i can breathe again.

Thanks for all the love

I am so pleased for you. Well done for reaching out to your partner and allowing him to support you with this problem 

congratulations and I wish you many more GF days. Heads up!!!!

Well done Izzy,

You hae stopped before so you knw you can do it again. This time make sure you keep in touch here. If we need help to stop gambling then it is also important to maintain recovery. I couldn't stop on my own and I have no reason to think I could stay stopped on my own either. Keepp posting.

I am going to be the death of our relationship, this is what I said to my partner tonight and when he asked why, I had to tell him for the third time in the past 3-4 months that I gambled and lost alot of money. Regardless of what I really need to say to him, it all goes out the window cause he just gets so mad and his reaction surprises me all the time, maybe more out of his ignorance for the addiction. It is hard explaining to him that yes I love him and care for him and when I say I want to stop, I mean it at the time and gambling or choosing to gamble doesn't mean I don't love you any less, their is no on or off switch but he doesn't quite get it and I don't blame him. As soon as I told him tonight that I lost $700 (lost way more but he was too angry so I have to tell him tomorrow) he asked me to leave the house and that he did not want to see me this week. He proceeded to lecture me as I packed my stuff but then told me he doesn't want me to leave as I was going . We contacted some counselling place that is open till 10pm tonight but no one answered and I left a message. He wants to sit with me on my counselling sessions so he understands why I do it and how he can support me. Does anyone have advice, or recommendations for counsellors in Melbourne and even things he can read up himself?

He does not trust me anymore, our relationship is about to end. Tonight I said I CAN'T BE TRUSTED WITH MONEY, you need to remove that temptation from me because I am not strong enough. I wan't to stop but right now I can't! When I was gambling tonight I thought I was going to throw up the anxiety was overwhelming, win or lose it was all the same to me. I can't live a life like this, what kind of future is it for me or for him? A part of me wishes he would just leave me because I deserve it, far out I don't even deserve to be alive - that is how I think sometimes. This addiction has crippled me, sucked and removed every inch of joy I have ever experienced and now I have found this incredible man who I love and have waited so many years for and this addiction is going to take him to and I am so scared because I don't want to lose him.

And I don't know how to make him understand that cause all he sees is me saying I won't relapse and then I do.

I am at my wits end. Please help!

You don't sound capable of controlling yourself, and it isn't fair to put that burden on your partner. You need to remove the option to gamble completely. Self exclude where ever you're gambling. Give up financial control. Give access to your accounts to your partner, leave yourself an allowance. Dont rely on yourself or your partner to stop you from gambling, make it impossible for you to gamble.

I promise, once you stop for awhile, your brain will slowly heal and it will get easier. Eventually, you will look back and wont believe you lived like this.

“You don't sound capable of controlling yourself, and it isn't fair to put that burden on your partner. “ starting off a response on that note is neither helpful nor is it constructive :)


Well done for coming back on the forum and admitting your relapse. Let’s focus on the positives because that is ultimately what will help you beat the addiction. I do believe that your partner can play an important role in your recovery and you should rely on Him for help (as well as others) he can take away cards and have access to your finances to help pay for things. He knows you best and will be able to pick up on the signs when things aren’t going well and respond to that. Perhaps he can join the friends and family forum on here and read some of the threads others have posted, including mine!he needs to know what he is dealing with amd How best to support your recoverY.

It does ultimately lie with you to make the right choice. It is a choice to gamble or not and with the right help you can overcome your responding to gambling urges.

I understand about you concealing the actual amount you lost. The amount doesn’t matter, what matters is you relapsed. Now your focus should be on avoiding this path and finding strategies to stop G. 

  1. Keep coming on GT and posting or reading others threads. I have come on almost everyday to read others stories, post myself and I due to this I feel a sense of Achievement in my journey. I have read about others challenges, relapses and also success in years of GF days. I have even gone way back to 8 year old posts to read people’s experiences.

  2. Stay vigilant. Know that you can slip if you become complacent in your recovery. Keep the struggles you felt, lived alive in your mind to act as a shield against gambling 

  3. Believe in yourself. I personally dislike the defeatist mindset. If I give up on myself and think gambling will always be part of me or that it will always win, how will I possibly be free of it? I don’t give a second thought about so and so that relapsed after 10 months clean or 10 years clean. I think that I can be clean because it is me. I will choose not to gamble and I won’t. I will never even entertain the possibility of a relapse because it would weaken my resolve to be free of it. Believe that you can be free of gambling Izzi.                                                  Do keep us posted on your experience. 

Meghna83 - thank you so much for the support and great advise, I read it to my partner and he agreed with what you said and it felt good for him to see someone else's perspective. We have spoken a bit more about this and are working on getting counselling together (well he listens), I am currently back at uni and have no free time at all and I know a part of him is hoping being busy distracts me. He is hand feeding me drips of money and wants proof of all bills I pay etc, he is going away this weekend which will help me put everything in perspective as I haven't had much alone time, I really need the time to think and process all that has happened over the week. 

I am continuing to remain CG free and remind myself CG will just ruin me and today I choose not to let it. 


I am so glad that you and your partner found my message useful. I too have found so much support on this forum, even those that had left messages years back. I messaged Jonny who went from complete Ruin to saying today I quit and stuck to it.  He messaged back too after a long time away from GT.

you can achieve so much together by talking about your problems and building barriers to block G when you are at your weakest moments

i tell you what keeps me gf is knowing that I am missing nothing. I have everything to gain and nothing to lose by staying gf

I sleep at night

i no longer hide my phone 

i am no longer paranoid about anyone finding out

i no longer check my bank balance every second

I face everyday issues with a clear mind 

I am less of an overly emotional,  impulsive partner 

I no longer feel self loathing and guilt

i No longer feel like I am a bad person

i am more confident 

So if I gamble I basically take on the opposite of that all. I welcome all those problems back into my life.

I say no for now and forever, 

you can too ...

Hi izzi,

".......all he sees is me saying I won't relapse and then I do....."

Yes, I made those "never again" promises myself, sometimes I even meant them but it is a tough adiction. At the moment there is no reason for hiom to believe a word you say.

As has been said before on this and previous threads - it is actions that *****. The actions that will help you stop gambling are the same actions that can help rebuild trust etc with your partner.

Yes, actions like the barriers and making yourself ac*****able for the finances - completely ac*****able. Also actions in geting support - posting here regularly, getting to GA meetings, using other support.

So what actions are you going to show him? At the end of the day the choice you have is to either take those actions or comeback here after another time period and tell us about your next bet. I hope you make the right choice and that we can read about the positive actions that you are taking.

It has been a while since I posted, just over a month ago my partner and I broke up due to me gambling a couple of times that week, he just had enough and he couldn't take me breaking his trust, he was worried that this cycle would destroy him. A part of me doesn't blame him, he lived in constant fear of another relapse and it really hurt him every time. After my last relapse happened that was the bottom for me, the bottom I had been waiting to encounter and it was the revelation I needed. I picked myself up that day and promised myself NO MORE. I also realised how much I loved my partner and how foolish and selfish I was to do this to him. And I know that it is an addiction but dragging him into it all made me miserable and it made him miserable. A few days after this all happened, while I was still processing everything and dealing with the consequences of everything I went to see my partner so I could pick my things up from his place. He did not want to talk, I made him talk and it was mainly him yelling, I saw the hurt I caused him and the brokenness and pain in his eyes and it tore me. That day, while he was telling me to pack my things up and leave I told myself that this was something I wouldn't let gambling steal from me because he was too precious to me. He gave me another chance that day the one and only chance and I have not disappointing him since. That day losing was too much of a painful reminder of how much gambling has stolen from me and how many thousands and thousands of my hard earned dollars had been wasted. I also made some decisions that week to remove the things that stressed me and would trigger me to cg and that was my degree. I was halfway through my degree and I was only continuing on because I believed it gave my life meaning/purpose but it was too stressful and I was not enjoying it but I wanted to please my family so I kept going. My family don't even know yet that I dropped out and I don't regret it one bit.

My partner and I co-handle my finances, with him having the most control of everything. My money is in his bank account and he sets the limits on everything which has helped alot. Work have also changed my pay frequency from monthly to fortnightly which has also helped me tremendously, I feel like I have more control over my finances and can see more of an impact that they have on my debt/expenses when it comes in every two weeks. I know this sounds weird but it has really shifted the mentality I had towards the way I looked at money, like it was just a means and it wasn't important. And the great thing is, I have money left over by the end of the pay fortnight, not much but in comparison to when I would lose all my money come pay day its a big change and I appreciate everything so much more because of it.

My partner is so supportive and has told me to focus on paying off my debt as much as possible and he will take care of any expenses that creep up etc, he is proud of me and has seen the progress I have made in the past month. We are also in a better place, it is a slow uphill road earning his trust again.

My mind is alot clearer, don't think about gambling as often as I use to, I still get the little devil on my shoulder but I know it is just a passing thought, if I let the thought pass me by.

Life has not been this bright in the longest time and I am so excited about the future, excited about building the life I have always dreamed but always thought it was a fantasy because of what this illness took from me.

Keep your head up high and keep dreaming everyone :)

Hey Everyone,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year :)

It has been a while since I posted last, so much has happened since my last post. The past couple of months I have struggled to stop gambling, been in self denial about not being in control. A part of me has felt this huge pressure that my debt is a liability to my current relationship and I used that as motivation to gamble and to be able to pay off more of the debt, we all know how that ends. Well for me it resulted in me losing all my pay and now having two cash advance loans on top of my current debt. As soon as I lost the last bit of money on the last loan I just knew it was now, or never so I self banned myself and started counselling last week. My brain is still detoxing and fighting urges but it feels so good to have a safety net set in place, it makes the temptation so much easier to deal with. My partner broke up with me when I told him what happened, he had enough of the lies and deceit. We ended up getting back together but he is still very angry and very dirty on me, he believes its just a matter of time before I go back and relapse and he doesn't know how to handle it. I have tried to explain things to him but he doesn't get it, or understand and I can't blame him. However his negativity towards me isn't helping me in a time I need him to be supportive and I understand it is also hard for him. He told me yesterday that his really hurt by my actions and I told him I don't know what to say or do in response since sorry isn't enough for him and that getting help right now doesn't seem to stand for alot in his eyes. He cracked it that I don't have another booked appointment with the counsellor even though I said to him I already told her we will re-connect next year, I always just text her and she is always has availability. My actions have been selfish and I understand I am responsible for the damage I caused but having him lecture me about my bad choices and just be negative about it all doesn't help, it makes things worse, I already feel so guilty and so terrible. And the truth is I know he has stuck around and I am thankful for that but I need to put myself first and if he continues on like this I don't know how much more I can take.

Really need advice on how to deal with him, how to make hi understand. I suggested we have some space and he doesn't want that, its either we stick together or we break things off and right now in my recovery I don't think my heart can handle a break up. We also live together (it is his place) and I don't have the financial means to just find my own place. I love him and I want us to work, I always want to get clean and to be with someone who will support me instead of just waiting for me to stuff up, I know its probably a defense mechanism for him and I have exposed him to a world he never knew.

Any advice, tips, suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Today is day 10 of being cg free :)

I feel your emotions in your words you typed on this forum. I have that same experience with my wife. On October 2019 my wife filed for divorce after giving me too many chances with the gambling lifestyle. Even though that was an eye opener to get my life in order i still went and gamble. Told her lies abt where the money is going poor accountability. After all she had all my bank cards and credit cards. Yes it was a messed up feeling. Leads to poor health and worse Death! Izzi we have made mistakes and we find excuses to try to justify what we have done but when it is mounting too much we buckled under pressure and the urge to get that high the thrill of winning comes to mind that where the strong will of resisting or rewiring that mindset of staying focus on staying free and start focusing more on self worth. Better health and an awesome mentally. Izzi you are gonna start rewiring your mind and it starts with you and what you are telling yourself each moment from now on. Observe your thoughts especially when you got money in your hands what plays on your mind is it" cmon lets place some bets in you are gonna win big to pay off your debts!!" Thats the lie the casinos placed on your mind. The battle is in your mind you are gonna start realizing the more you fight or resist you are gonna make that change. Stop chasing losses. Its not worth your precious and most valuable asset that is your Health. Now you have 10 days GF. I encourage you to keep posting on your progress. Just as i am you are gonna overcome this. Thank you for being honest. And yes honesty in your relationship is a perfect start. Please click on this link below and you can also view more of his video on his channel Soldiers of Self Mastery


thanks so much for taking the time to share such a heart felt message and for the great advice, it is really apperciated. Hope you are doing well, keep me updated please.

Hi Izzy,

I'd give pretty much the same advice you have had before.

The thing I might add is look at your posts,many of them start "It has been a while since I posted last...…." It'll help you if you change that, stay close to support and keep posting so you don't need that line.

Straight off the bat let me just say it feels really good to be posting something positive and not about how I failed again! Going on possibly week 7 cg free and things feel so good.

I have self excluded myself and doing my best to keep on top of my urges. My partner and I are doing well and we had a couples counselling session regarding the addiction issue which was insightful and helpful for both of us and it also answered some questions and concerns my partner has had.

I know that this is but the beginning of something that never truly goes away and I am hopeful as I take each day as it comes.

Hope to post more frequently as I free up some time.

Have a nice weekend everyone.


Straight off the bat let me just say it feels really good to be posting something positive and not about how I failed again! Going on possibly week 7 cg free and things feel so good.

I have self excluded myself and doing my best to keep on top of my urges. My partner and I are doing well and we had a couples counselling session regarding the addiction issue which was insightful and helpful for both of us and it also answered some questions and concerns my partner has had.

I know that this is but the beginning of something that never truly goes away and I am hopeful as I take each day as it comes.

Hope to post more frequently as I free up some time.

Have a nice weekend everyone.


survived another weekend without gambling, tomorrow will be week 7, doesn't sound like much but I can't remember the last time I was this clean. Sure, I am still in debt and don't have much money to my name but its better then being in debt. My partner and I are working things through slowly and I know with time everything with work itself out.

Hi lizzi so good to read from you. Congrats on 7 weeks being free. I am happy for you. Please continue to do what you are doing in terms of staying positive about life.

Stay strong

Stay blessed

Be positive.

Be thankful

Hi Izzy

Thanks for brutal honesty and sharing you're story. I am so proud of you for fighting this addiction. Wow 7 weeks are something to be proud of. 

Don't dwell on the past it Wil only lead us back to a destructive life of gambling. 

Looking forward hearing more of you're positive stories since you are in a good frame of mind and fighting this addiction day by day. 

Regarding you're debt it may seem overwhelming but we can only take it day by day. Remember what got us all in trouble the first place was chasing that one big win to make the debt disappear but it is all an illusion even if we won millions we were trapped in the gambling life and would most probably lost it all and more. 

Keep positive and stay clean. 

Very proud of you

Hi everyone,

Hope everyone is keeping safe, things are crazy at the moment with the pandemic and my heart goes out to everyone and their families.

With a happy heart I can report that I am still clean, my last little stint was Christmas Eve and it feels great to say in 2020 I haven't gambled. Every year prior to this I would tell myself around this time that it's almost your birthday (it is in April) and now if any don't spend a year older living this life style and I almost desired to stop but for once I know my birthday wish will come true. My partner has been supportive and I am seeing a counselor once a month, I have self excluded from many places and my urges are less and less. I am still keeping an eye out on emotional triggers and tell myself when I do think about gambling that it is just a passing thought. Wow it has been over 10+ weeks and I have seen a major shift in my attitude, perspective and stress levels. My cash advances have all been paid and I now have one more larger loan that is interest free and an overdraft on an account I need to pay off and save. Not too concerned, my aim is to save what I can and when I have around 3-4000 dollars to pay off the overdraft and start to pay more towards the interest free loan. Given what is currently happening in the world, this plan may need to be suspended especially if I lose my job, I work for a start up company and if we are hit hard by the economy I believe in two months I will be jobless. This does not create fear like it would if I was still gambling and it gives me no desire to run to a pokies machine and try and win a few hundred dollars just in case, as that money can come in handy. All I can do is try and save as much as I can over the next couple of months, be smart and be open with my partner. He also may lose his job, we have even begun talking openly about what we would do if that happened. I am fortunate enough that he has savings and that we would be fine for three months if we were both became unemployed.

Some more happy news for me, my partner and I have just started trying for a baby and I have my fingers crossed (despite my age) that it won't take too long to fall pregnant. Just knowing I can now bring a baby into the world who would never have any idea of how her mum use to live brings me joy and empowers me to keep at it and to keep being strong.

Chin up everyone, we will get through this together!

A lovely message to read at this time izzi 

congratualtions on your GF time and so excited for you about your baby plans. I am due to have my baby in May this year. I am so excited but also very anxious about going into hospital at this time.

Hopefully  your next post will reveal more happy news :)

Delighted for you, Izzi. This pandemic and all the panic surrounding it will pass and Life will go on. It always does. Not gambling gives us a clearer outlook on everything. My niece is expecting her first baby. She is 44. My son's wife delivered a beautiful baby boy on Thursday.

Megna, have no fear about going into hospital. They were wonderful and had everything under control.

GOD IS IN CHARGE. Have courage!

Thank you Vera xxx

Hi Ladies,

Thanks so much for your encouraging words and support.

Wow congratulations to both of you :)

I was thinking the other day, gosh I wished I had stopped sooner and had more money to my name, especially since all the current chaos in the world. I could have lost my job and where would that have left me! I quickly reminded myself it is great that I am beginning to think like this as it is a good sign of progress.

It is my birthday next week and find it a little amusing on how I am going to celebrate it. I took the day off work so I could sit around and do nothing other then maybe bake and watch netflix. Since the chaos I have been working from home and I have been working longer hours then ever before, so I haven't even felt the pinch of isolation yet. Not sure what my partner has planned either, hopefully something.

Yesterday I took my cat to the vet for a check up and it was so nice to be able to pay for it and not stress about how much it was going to be, it is the small things.

Also can I just say how tragic this current event is, everyone is sort of forced to take some rest, especially gamblers they can't go to the casinos anymore etc, I think that is a good thing, a bit of detox time.

No news on the baby front, no bun in the oven but hopefully within the next couple of months.