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Hello.
I am looking for a help for my boyfriend. I think he is a gambler after when I found out that he spent more money on online gambling than he earned.
We met half year ago and everything was brilliant, but after 2 months I found out that he didn’t have money. He told me that he was robbed on holiday and he had an accident, so he bought a new car. I trusted him, because I didn’t have a reason not to.
I felt sorry for him and even bought him socks and boxers, because he didn’t have. I am Polish, so I thought that’s English people life style. I helped him to pay debts. He was clean. I told him that we are going to my country in February, so he needs to save money. Apparently he did that. I didn’t control him, because I didn’t have a reason. I knew he had few cheap bets with mates from work, but I didn’t know it’s dangerous. However tonight I said that after holiday we could start to save money for our future. He agreed with me, so I wanted to know how his saving money is going. After three months of saving money he had 200 pounds. Only in December he spent 530 pounds on online gambling. He used me to make his life better. He lied to me and let me down. I would like to help him, because he doesn’t see this problem. I sent him back to home and tell him that he has a month to prove me that he isn’t addicted. He needs to delete account on gambling website, pay only by a card, keep every receipt and show what he spends every pound for for a month. Please tell me if I do it right. I want to help him, because he is the most important person in my life and he deserves to get a help, but he doesn’t understand how dangerous is being addicted.
Thank you for any help and answer. I will appreciate it. -
Hello Natalia
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
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It sounds like you are a bright lady and caught on pretty fast that there is a problem. You are right to not enable him any longer (ie support his addiction but providing him with money or essentials) however you cant make him give up, only he can do that. Even if he does stop gambling (and it will take longer than a month, its a long term issue) then he will always need to be in recovery.
Your suggestions are great, he needs not only to delete the gambling websites but block himself from them. If he uses the bookmakers/bookies then he can also self exclude from there. A note of caution though, ultimatums rarely if ever work. Open communication and support work better but he has to ready for that, step one is admitting there is a problem. Did he tell you he gambled away the holiday money or was he caught out? If he told you then that is a big step in the right direction and a cry for help.
There is lots of great support available to help gambling addicts in the UK and he will need help if he wants to get control of his addiction – There is a forum here for addicts as well as a residential treatment facility run by gambling therapy that he may be eligiable for, there is also gamblers anonamous and GAMCARE. You can put these suggestions to him but you can not make him take them up, that needs to be his choice.
For you now, you need to decided what you want out of life because even if he does get treatment and go into recovery it will always be part of him. Some very strong and commited relationships have survived this process and many have fallen by the wayside. It is not easy and what is important for you to do at the moment is to take care of you. Research what you are taking on but mostly consontrate on your life and build yourself a good support network, interest and hobbies. By working on yourself and taking care of you you will be in a much better place to deal with whatever happens next and not be at the mercy of his actions for your happiness which even he is not fully in control of at the moment. You will always find a listening ear and support on this site so do keep posting, Lily x
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