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    • #15061
      michelle64
      Participant

      I am Michelle, a compulsive gambler. My gambling secret??? Looking back I can remember as a child playing the penny slots at the local funfair and park at the age of 9. I was given a few pounds to spend and I loved playing the machines. Then at 11, I went to the local seaside resort. There were loads of arcades there. I was given some money to play on the bingo. I won lots of times and got vouchers which I exchanged for two tennis rackets, which I had always wanted. I really enjoyed playing the machines and bingo even at an early age.
      At the age of 20, with major problems in my life I was walking through my local city and I saw an arcade. Suddenly I remembered the times that I had as a child, the fun I had on the machines/bingo and I went in. I played the machines for a while and actually left with loads of money and tokens. I enjoyed my time there, with so called ‘free food and drinks’. The next day I wasn’t as lucky when I went back. But I still won some money. I kept going back each day, until at the end of the week I had no money left. I was very upset about it. But I really enjoyed the buzz that the machines gave me. I should have known there and then that the machines were no good and never played them again.
      Nobody knew that I was a gambler. I had a secret gambling problem that over time got worse. I would gamble most of the time. Mainly to escape life and problems. As I was sitting in front of the machines I would watch the lights and hear the noises and wait for it to go on a roll. Press the keys and hoping to win. The buzz to me, was so good. But gradually over time I lost more than I could afford and got into so much debt. But I still went back to the machines. Which was such a stupid thing to do.
      Twenty six years after that day walking through the city, I am still gambling. I am still struggling to give up the machines. I am trying so so hard. The problem is that I need to gamble and I enjoy playing the machines. I crave to play them a lot of the time and whenever I am stressed or struggling I feel that I can go and play the machines and escape. But now my gambling is totally uncontrollable. I am seeking help.
      I have started going to GA meetings. Which I really do hate. I struggle talking about my gambling. It has been a secret in my life for such along time. The thought of talking in a group (mainly men) is so hard for me. I cant find the words to express myself and the tears come most of the time. I am also going for counselling. I can not communicate my feelings without tears and I feel so stupid.
      I can come into chat rooms; for people with gambling problems and I find I can type away how I am feeling. I type my thoughts and feelings down. Some one recently told me that I can talk to the machine and type in chat because it is my only way of communicating with people, just like I can communicate with a fruit machine. It is as if I can talk better to a machine than I can verbally with people.
      I want to give up GA meetings and counselling because I can not communicate face to face. I do not know how, when I am trying to describe my gambling. I find talking about my addiction hard. But deep down I am realizing that in order to recover I need to go to meetings and counselling. But there is a terrible fear and despair at the thought of talking, because talking brings out my tears and that reminds me of my addiction.
      I am a gambler and I want more than anything to give up. But I am struggling and don’t think I can ever give up. But I am hoping that with my GA meetings and counselling I will be able to.

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