My story and an attempt to a fresh new start
Hello Friends, i read most of the journals in this forum and i see many different stories like mine, some worser, some better and i would like to share my story too.
English is not my first language so please try to ignore my mistakes. Before writing my story with gambling, i want to share my current situation. After quitting for almost 3 months,
I started to gamble again on a website, it lasted about 10 hours and i lost about 2.800 usd. After that i ate nothing, drunk nothing, just stayed in the bed until this Sunday morning,
the emotional pain is so hard that i can not explain. I lost my focus on everything in my life. In the last 15 months i gambled around 4 times, each lasted only 1 day and each was about
2.800 USD. In the other months, i was always very sparing with all of my expenses. I earn enough have a nice life but a bit stressful about work. Other than that i am happy.
But this feeling killing me. As it is described in the compulsive gambling addiction websites, this feeling gives me suicidal thoughts on the top level, loss of appetite, loss of interest to
people around me all i do during this period is laying in the bed and watching the ceiling. I even don't want to check my bank account in order to prevent seeing the truth and how
weak and stupid am i. I earn a lot compared to people around me and still i lose that amount and thinking how they work hard for this money makes me ashamed.. All my body shivered
almost two days long.. I hope to overcome this situation and reach to my normal mood again. I hope this is the first day of the coming good days.
It started around 9 years ago. I started to bet on football and various sports, i lost some, won some and it was some fun. Also, it was almost under my control and i was doing this only sprecial
occasions like Champions League finals, Wimbledon semis etc. One day, a friend of mine invited me to a Casino and there i learned how to play blackjack. It was end of 2013 and i found myself
visiting casinos regularly. I was playing Roulette and Blackjack. All of a sudden i found myself in a severe depression because of the money that i lost. I started to drink, smoke pot, just to ease
the pain. I was very normal in my daily life. I was doing successful at the job, never missed an responsibility and continued to be successful. On the other hand, during the period i lost about 25K usd.
I was visiting the Casino almost everyday. One day after a big loss i decided to self exclude myself forever and this is still valid. Because i was visiting almost everyday, i think my brain become addicted
that's why i found myself in really cheap places, betting on horseracing or some football games. I was losing around 500 on a week and i decided again to control this and quitted.
After a while, I understood that i need the real casinos not bookies, only thing that satisfied me was the real tables. So on the weekends, i traveled to Amsterdam and played a lot in Casino Holland.
On night i lost about 7.000 EUR and all left with me was 200eur. In the morning, i went there with 200 and won 8000 eur in Baccarat. God was again playing with me.
In the meanwhile i met a wonderful woman, we were understanding each other very well and we were very happy. But i visited Amsterdam again and lost a lot and i self excluded myself from all holland casinos.
In the meanwhile she left me. Then i started to play online.. I was in a full of debt and lost around 40K EUR in total.. It was almost equal to my yearly income. Each time i played in an online casino, after a loss, i immediately self excluded myself. On Dec 2015, i was in the deepest depression, i had no money, smoking pot everyday, gained 20KG and i was almost unrecognizable. During that time, i was attended to a evenings course of Spanish in order to distract myself. I never thought that it was another game of god to me when i suddenly rushing myself to buy a paysafe card. At that time i blocked all my internet accounts. But i was so intelligent and always try to found new ways to satisfy my hunger of gambling.
I barely afforded to buy 200 EUR of paysafe card and directly came home. I was some kind of hypnotized. I registered a random website, loaded the money and started to play baccarat and blackjack. My balance was reduced to 20 EUR and it was the same routine. But somehow i caught some winning streaks and i was playing like crazy. I ended in 2 hours with +44.000 EUR profit. I immediately withdrew the money. I paid my debts, i bought the same car that i sold because of my debts. I was the happiest person in the world and i appreciated this second chance. I organized nice trips to my family, tried to make them happy etc. I said this is enough i am out.
After some months, In 2016, i went to Monte Carlo with my girlfriend and i visited casino when she was sleeping and lost every single penny and then i was in a so desperate position that i needed help so in the morning i told her everything and of course reduced the losses and i promised her not to play anymore. She convinced my to go to a psychologist. I kept my promise, i visited a consultant. She left me by the way, because i was having too much mood up and downs. Because of smoking pot and gambling. I was again all alone.
After started to visit a psychologist, i found out the severe depression of mine. As an ambitious person, i decided to fight with those addictions of mine. I studied a lot during that time and i was accepted for a Masters program in 2017 which lasted around 2 years. During that time i smoked pot only twice and gambled only three times and i lost in all of them. The thing is that the amounts that i lost and playing frequency of mine was lower compared to early years of mine. However, i felt this self destructive, very high depressive and suicidal thoughts in myself. It was not same feeling like in the early years. Although, i was playing once in a month and lost a lesser amount, the pain i was facing with was irresistible. After each loss, i texted old friends, ex-girl friends etc. to have their mercy and i received no response or just ignorance. At that time i understood that we are all alone in this world. I never told my family because i knew that they will not understand. Another fact is that my father suicided because of this.
In Dec 2019, i went to a short holiday and found a casino and lost about 4K eur and faced same feelings and quitted for 3 months where i played and lost in bookies in March 2020 and yesterday. After this post i realized my patterns. I mean in almost every year i have a story and i am not successful with quitting gambling. I even quitted pot but not gambling. I am completely sane, focused and determined but i don't understand why i did this. I try to use exercises provided in this website in order to overcome this and i promise to keep an update post once in order to show that this urge can be beatable. I hope i can do this.
I appreciate any suggestions, advices etc. with my story. Actually, i'm telling all of these first time in my life..