On My Way to finding myself!
Well this is my first post. Ive read the forums on here and they are truly inspiring. My name is Bec and Im a mum & have a wonderful husband. Im 31 and live in Qld Australia. I have hit rock bottom on Monday night, actually it was Tuesday morning in the wee hours. I come home and realised I drained our bank account. I knew I had a gambling problem but I never actually drained the account dry. This floored me and I just wanted help. I was a mess. I talked a councellor on here and I dont even remember his name but I wanted to say Thanks as at that point of time I was crazy and was seriously wanting to do self harm. I just had enough!
So this is day 4 of my recovery. I have gambled and to be honest to myself for once, Its been 9 years. At first it was social and then it became a part of my life.I lie, cheat and steal at times (disgusting) just to have some money to gamble with. Everything would come second in the back of my mind. I just always made sure there was a small ammount for me to go to the club with. I have been going to the same club for years. Its a 25 minute drive to get there but Ive never bumped into people who I knew. I went late at nights when my kids were in bed and my partner was in bed. Once there I would be in my zone. Nothing mattered and I would be there till I lost the money or the club shut. Coming home Id feel ontop of the world if I had a win and I would pay the big things I needed to pay but still kept a bit for the next time i gambled. If I lost Id work the budget just to have a bit to gamble with next time. I knew I needed to stop but its something I physically cant control. I am hooked. I would like to say this is it and I wont gamble again but this is a start. Admitting to others I need help.
My husband has known for at least 8 years I have a gambling problem but to the extent I have, he didnt know how much it controlled me. I was great at hiding the bills ect and withdrawing extra money at the weekly shops ect. he was none the wiser unless I made withdraws from the club. He was dissappointed but always forgave me. My friends and family are none the wiser and I dont know if I could handle them knowing.
I know I dont know who I am, I am a shell of my former self and Id like to get back to myself one day. I use to be a confident person and very outgoing. Im not proud of who I am today. i have let my addiction take control of me. I dont want to use the word Sorry to my husband ever again.I wrote to him when I was at my lowest on Tuesday morning. I was too gutless to face him but I told him exactly and truthfully how much help I needed and how far this disease has taken control of me. We talked for hours and he forgave me but he feels actually this time I mean it as he didnt understand why, I am pregnant and only gamblers would understand that when I am gambling, I forget Im a mummy and that Im pregnant, have a mortgage, have bills or the fact that I should be in bed cuz my kids get up early ect. When i explained that to him, he said, he never quite understood how or why. He now has a better understand and knows Im sick.He said he is determinded to have his wife back and he is going to put up barriers so I cant gamble.
The tears of self pity have stopped for now. I just think about the damage Ive done and its enough to make me not want to gamble. I just want to feel proud to be me again. I have a husband, Children, Bub on the Way. These are the most important things and I just have to remember My Gambling may have damaged my soul and finances but I havent lost what matters most and thats my family.
Thanks for reading.