New mum and CG. On my road to recovery

Congratulations on posting on this site. This could be a great step towards a fulfilling life of recovery. I wish this for you. (And for me :)!!!)


I'm sorry to hear that you have been struggling for the past year. Gambling is a vicious beast that will hook you in and destroy you, as you know. You have stopped in the past. Could you share how you did it and whether you could use the same tactics to stop again?


Sounds like it's online gambling, so could you use a blocker. There are, of course, other tactics such as cancelling your credit cards, or ordering new ones and scratching off the number at the back. Self excluding is another tactic that helps many.


I hope you'll come back and tell us more about yourself and what triggered you to go back to gambling after a long time away.


I wish you the best.


RG


Only saw the first part of your post, and then when I finished posting, I saw the rest of it.  Good job on telling your husband and admitting to yourself that you need to get things under control.  I asked about the trigger, and now I'm guessing it was the tumultuous and emotional time of becoming a mom that may have triggered you.  Anyway, you have taken major steps towards a better future.  Good on you!!  I will continue to watch for updates on your recovery.


RG


Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums


Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!


Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.


As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)


And on that note....


I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you :-)


Take care


The Gambling Therapy Team



PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!


Following last nights /early hours losses I have self excluded myself from the websites I primarily used. I also sent an email to the gambling company as my £2000 restriction per day was not enforced. I wonder if they’ll perhaps consider refunding but I am not holding my breath. They replied stating they would investigate thoroughly and inform me of their decision.


In the meantime I’m focusing now on my baby and reminding myself that gambling will only lead to pain and destruction for me. I’m very impulsive and can see how gambling can draw me in and lead me to make crazy bets


I’m transferring the rest of my savings into a joint account with my husband which I will not hold a bank card for


Woke up half an hour ago feeling drained with a sick feeling in my stomach thinking about the amount of money I lost in the space on half an hour. Looked at my bank balance, healthy enough,can come back from that terrible binge that has taken away my and my husband‘s hard work over the year. Showed my husband my bank balance and he felt better seeing that the damage was not irreparable. I cannot stop feeling, however, that l could have had a much healthier balance, and reached my 100k mark, had I not just squandered that money away. Every penny, I had learnt from an early age, every penny ought to be respected and earned honesty. I disrespected my hard work and my partners’. That’s hard to accept, hard to let go. I know I will eventually. I kept replaying the big wins in my head and imagined myself self excluding at that perfect moment. But no.... it ended how it ended with me 20k down. I hope the rest of the day brightens up and my mind settles. I am in the right place and things can only get better god willing.


If I could take it back I would. Looking at the happy face of my daughter makes me realise what a big loser I was. Chasing something I actually didn’t even need. What would an extra 10-15k bought to my life anyway?


I had all I needed right I front of me and I was too blind to see it.


Thank you god for all my blessings... please keep me on the right path of love caring and sharing. It’s my close relationships that matter and need nourishment, not the online slots!


Hi Meghna


Well done for excluding. You talk using £ so im assuming your in the UK.


Have you heard of Gamstop. Gamstop UK's national online self-exclusion scheme. https://www.gamstop.co.uk/


Why not pop onto the helpline to look at other options available


tried gamstop but somehow my details didn’t register , will try again later. So slipped a little today and did a free spin on two online casinos and then blocked myselF. 


Keep looking at the damage on my bank account and what my balance would have been if I hadn’t gone on that binge. 


I have some money coming from a personal loan I made to a family member so that gap will fill eventually.


I hope I can steer clear of the sites for now and forever. Going to my husbands shop now so will be busy and not get twitchy fingers (watch this space...)



Hi Meghna


There are many reasons validation fails and Gamstop are trying to make this easier. You can ring them and work through it 0800 138 6518


Take care


Ffgggf


When is any amount enough? Put forward £700 eventually built that up to £6300. Withdrew £5k and then played the £1300 to end up ‘winning’ £4600. Calculated all my losses from the beginning of April 2019 to 5th May 2019. Yes!!! Up by £4000 so I won!!!! W ended up losing £4600 plus another 14,000 from my savings in less than 20 minutes. Upped the stakes, got greedy. The lion bit a chunk out of me... My point is... 1k 2k 3 k 50k jackpot mega jackpot is never enough. We end up going for more, risking more.  My children will hopefully value honestly earned money as you did. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and feelings. Helps me grow as a person each day.


Played again no losses.


testing myself. Walked away as soon as I could 


Just checking how you are getting on? ☓


I gambled Today and not feeling good about it. Didn’t lose anything but if I continue I will lose a lot more than I did last time. I realise that I actually have to self ban on a few more sites. 


Hi Meghna:  I feel like that should be Meghan :)  Sorry to hear about the slip, but you came here and 'fessed up, so that is progress in my book.  And it goes along with you post on honesty.  What happened with Gamban?  Have you tried to resolve the issues?  It could be the thing that gives you some respite to think more clearly about your life.  


You have so much going for you and you are worth much more than wasting your valuable time and money gambling online.  Write a list of things that you love to do other than gambling.  Write another list of home tasks you need to complete and prioritize them.  Join a mommy and me group and go out and meet other moms.  Get out in the fresh air with baby.  Keeping busy with worthwhile activities will make you feel so much better and accomplished.


I wish you a wonderful week.


RG


hi RG,


yes I see the Meghan thing. Meghna is an indian name. 



Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. You’re right, I need to fill the time doing things I like. steev‘ s post reminded me of this also.


mummy group is a good ideA. I think I also need a holiday. Since falling pregnant in feb last year, I’ve not  been anywhere....perhaps a trip to Sicily or Rome and Naples or athens.


hubby works so hard and it would be a nice surprise for him. I start work in july so a nice break, before I’m back in the thick of it, will be uplifting.



thank you again 



Please self exclude. Stop now while you have money. Tell your husband about your temptations and get him to put the money in a safer account where you can't access it. I have stopped but probably mostly due to having no money left. I'm sure that in your position I'd be tempted also. My partner and I have seperate accounts and one joint account for bills so I haven't had access to any of his hard earned money. He's not an understanding man though and would be very angry if he knew what I had done.

My daughter and I have been downloading a lot of logo quizzes. It's something to do other than gambling and it's free.

Please keep coming here. It's helping me a lot in these early days X


yes I need to keep reminding myself of quitting when I’m feeling better. 



Quizzes sound great. Tetris is my thing. chanelling My energy and time elsewhere today 



thank you you for your advice 


Feeling like a real failure. Played yesterday on roulette and today. Gambled for hours and “won” 4K. Lost it all again today in minutes . Would have lost 1k of my own money but somehow stopped myself.


Blocked myself from these sites.


I clearly have a problem and need more obstructions.


Plaza I wish I had read your posts before I did that.


:’(


Today is my day 1 again ...


Keep on keeping on, Meghna.  This is a tough thing to kick.  Small steps.  Plan your time.  Get out there walking with that beautiful baby. You are making the right moves after your slips.  You're blocking the sites and coming to post here.  All is not lost. 


Find a mantra and force yourself to say it over and over in your head.  "My life is wonderful.  Thank you for my beautiful little family".  Say it 100 times.  Then another 100.  Then each time gambling enters into your mind.  "I am an intelligent woman and a nurturing mother. I will spend my time in healthy ways."  These are the kinds of things I've had to do just to get through an hour sometimes.  


Keep going.  we're here for you!


RG


I gambled again yesterday and the early hours of today. I would have lost money but played again and blocked myself. I managed to get back some of the 4K I lost but not feeling good about any of this. This false dependency on 'winning', chasing my big losses makes me anxious, short tempered and aloof at home. I am afraid that tonight will bring the worst out in me. As soon as I have put my baby down, I start getting the urge to play. I will come on this page tonight to post at around that time and see if I can make it my day 1 GF... again. This cycle is getting rather tiresome and is draining me.


Hi Amir,


every word you wrote spoke out to me. I, like you, feel extremely ashamed about gambling and fearful of my family finding out. That responsible and pragmatic young girl my parents raised and my siblings once knew is no more.


Please dont apologise for being religious/ spiritual, this is personal to you and the way in which you express your thoughts and emotions. No one is judging you.


I also feel that I have wasted away years of hard earned income.


What you wrote about "who when he was successful and having enough money to save wasn't that good man, and maybe this humiliation I feel is very useful for me on a spiritual level to realise how vulnerable is a human and be really humble and accepts this lesson and all the future ones while being broken and poor in spirit. knowing that my smartness and capabilities didn't led me to a good situation and I need to improve and I do need God's grace in my life."


I feel that hit the nail on the head about me and how I viewed myself among my friends and family.


I think I have become far more forgiving towards others and more empathetic since my relapse. I found it hard to forgive those that made mistakes around me including my husband and I feel that my misfortunes have made me realise that I am flawed and fallible. I am human. I am humbled finally submit, I need god in my life to give me strength, discipline and guidance. I rknow now that I CANNOT CONTROL everything


Hopefully that's would be a gambling free day for all of us.


Yes, we are those who understood that we cannot control everything, and maybe that would be a good start with a belief that some other might have some hard time to accept.


" for without me you can do nothing" John 15:5.


Let's look a the bright side that we did lost money but we gained a belief that can be the key to a new way full of blessings knowing that this way can replace our weak and limited capabilities with God's unlimited capabilities.


Amir


I actually don’t know where to start. It’s all down to chasing losses. Playing free spins is actually never playing free spins. It lead to me playing small amounts and then back to the big amounts again. ‘Won’ and then lost again. This time losing near to £4,000 again !!!


I don’t know what to say. Feeling ashamed. Angry with myself. Disgusted with my own stupidity. Won’t I ever learn??? Gambling even with free spins IS GAMBLING STILL and I will only end up losing.


The night before last I self excluded on two new sites I played on following my losses. The high and low with gambling is so so tiring. Mentally and emotionally straining and has lead to lack of sleep and peace of mind for the last week. I thought I had learnt my lesson from last time and I did not gamble for a while too.


Last night around 11.30 pm, I switched my phone off and spent time with my baby. Then went to bed. I slept after days of staying awake at night on casino sites. I slept so well and felt so relieved knowing that my phone was switched off and the online casinos were shut off. It helped psychologically.


I feel that every night, though I come in GT and then distract myself playing Tetris. Just having the phone in my hands eventually leads me to the gambling sites. Yesterday switching off the phone really helped. I will do the same again tonight. This phone will be switched off at 10pm.


Good luck everyone on your road to recovery. For now I will admit that I am a compulsive gambler. I gambled away my hard earned money since 1st April 2019 to 26th May 2019.


I refuse now to spend another penny destroying my peace of mind, my life and my child’s future!


This is my day 1 ...


Hi Meghna,

I think maybe the solution for us is to have a simple phone- yes it will mean no Netflix, bring cut off from family and friends we rely on apps to stay in touch with, no facebook or google, no GT - but when I think of how expensive our phones have become it would be so much cheaper to make a £100 phone call!


I am just about to try set up an account with a bank which bans gambling transactions ( before my pay comes in).

Perhaps that is something you would consider also.


It’s horrible - the gambling aftermath - but because our brains are addicted - we simply don’t learn . We need to avoid all triggers and retrain our brains .


may gambling started in april 2019 and has grown out of control since then up to today. I feel mentally, physically and emotionally sick


my head is throbbing, my throat is dry and my stomach is churning. The highs and lows of gambling is gut wrenching.


I can't trust myself. I feel unsafe being alone at home. That urge within in knows no boundaries.


I have blocked all gambling accounts I know of. I have emptied all money from my premier account to its limit (otherwise I lose the account)

Today is Monday 27th May 2019 and it is 8:06pm. London time. Today is my Day 1 again...


(please god give me the strength)


“I guess there is a life lesson here - at any time in life we can stop what we are doing, take stock and start again. Mistakes can be rectified and mistakes don’t define us. We learn, grow and improve from our mistakes .”


I.D.I



Useful words for my headspace, thank you IDI


Hello Meghna,


I'm happy for you that you are keep trying and i'm very angry that we keep relapsing.


i totally agree with you that enjoy living our lives and make use of our day is a good way to feel that life is better away from gambling

me too when i felt an urge for playing few days ago ( i w as telling myself i will only play with 100 USD- withdraw if i reached 500- we all know that this will never be the case) so i took this 100 and bought 10 meals and went for a drive with a friend looking for homeless people (not beggars), i was shocked to found people in Cairo streets that didn't ate for a week and he super happy was only a meal.

i got back home not thinking at all about gambling, feeling stupid of wasting money that even a tiny piece of this money (the value of a side bet) can really help someone else.


The thousands we waste can be someone's else miracle.


I wish we all don't forget that we are all here because we can't control our gambling habits and it's better to not trust ourselves with the means to play.


I relapsed again and lost £6000 of my savings. This was 2days ago. My balance is now very very low and that deposit for my future home is looking small. I felt horrible because I left my husband in the living room eating while I did it. Self destructive on my part I finally handed over my last bank account card to my husband and admitted I was thinking about gambling again following my last big loss (I couldn’t tell him what I had just done, he’d lose sleep and his peace of mind over it) I am now going to pay for things with cash only to avoid anything happening again. Cash in hand would not get me to spend it or do what I did (can’t even say the word) I am terrified of what I am capable of. 


I just wanted to add that I have read through some journals and a “windfall” or “win” is not a win. Clearly it is a loss. An illusion of a win only to get us to part with more of our money. I do not want to ever think or say “I won” or following my “big win”. That is not true at all. I only lost. I lost my honestly earned money.


"Terrified of what I am capable of" summarizes perfectly the mindset of a Compulsive Gambler, when in action.

And you are right. No "win" will satisfy us. Our need to gamble is insatiable once we start. A "win" is a high interest loan.

I feel for you Meghna.

The whole gambling scenario is nothing short of demonic.

We need to turn away from it. It ruins lives.

Money is only the tip of the iceberg.

When it takes your soul, it could be too late.

Never give up.

Life without inviting this madness into our homes can be so much better.

I'm following your thread.

Keep posting.


Hey everyone, checking in to say gamble free still and thinking of ways to earn my money honestly.


I lost money but I can earn it back


Today was my day 4

Feeling better


Hello Meghna,


please stop thinking about the money you lost and the money you still need to make your deposit for the house, that's a very good trigger to start gambling.


U can buy one of those investment pots that banks offers ( not sure about the right english term for it) u make the deposit and the bank keeps the money away for a year and gives it back with some interest. i think that's the best way to save your money is to keep it out of your reach for a good amount of time.


U made this money once and you will make it again, do not worry.


" So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten" Joel 2:25


Keep praying, and i'm praying for you.

Stay strong, and please stop thinking about the money.


Amir


Amir,



i reread this just now and i admit it was one of the most useful posts I have had on my thread. It speaks honesty and kindly 



It really comforted me reading it and helped me maintain my focus



thank you



If I may ask you about your religious beliefs, just because don't want to keep mentioning biblical words if you don't believe in it.


please forgive me and ignore the question if you think it's inappropriate.


Amir


I was born into a Muslim family. I guess I am Muslim and believe in a creator. 



No not an inappropriate question at all.



god definitely showed me that material wealth is impermanent. I won’t take anything for granted and also assume that tough times will not come my way. I will accept the low times in my life also


I was sorry to read that you had gambled again recently Meghna. I know all too well the frustration of stopping and starting. Allen Carr mentions in his book that the stoppers and starters (which applies to most of us on here) are possibly the saddest of all gamblers. We stop because gambling makes us miserable. Then, we're miserable because we've stopped and feel like we're sacrificing "fun". Then we start again because stopping made us miserable. It's a tragic cycle.


I'm trying with all my might to change my mindset. It took me many stops and starts, and I'm stopped now but I am really, really giving gambling a hard look and think this time.


Today, I don't miss it. I honestly don't think I missed it in any of these weeks that I've been stopped. It may have felt like it on a day or two, but truly it wasn't missing. I think we're all at different stages. In truth, I'm a bit worried that you may be experiencing post-partum depression and the excessive gambling may be a result. I've read articles on how post partum can manifest in addiction. If you think this may be what is happening to you then it is so important that you reach out to a live medical professional for help. (I'm sorry if this is too personal but this has been niggling at me for a while now). I've recently seen very tragic outcomes of PPD in my circle and I want only the best for you.


That being said, I had better get some sleep and focus on my own self care as well.


Have a good week.


RG


"you can have it all - just not all at once." Thank you RG


I relapsed today and lost £3990. Not feeling good at all


Registered to GameStop and deleted my bank app from my phone. I find ways to access my money and gambled. Feeling guilt ridden and sick of this problem I have


Hi Meghna: You need to come clean to your husband. You need help stopping. The amounts you are losing are breathtaking to me and I'm so worried that you will cause irreparable harm to yourself and your family. It doesn't matter if you have the money to waste. At this pace, eventually you'll have nothing. You've told him once, now you need to tell him what's been happening in the ensuing weeks. He needs to know. It will be a thousand times worse if he finds out on his own.


By telling him, the two of you can work out a solution where you have very limited access to cash and the accounts. Find other sources of support besides this one. GT is only one part of a recovery plan. Chat one on one to the staff here.


I know I sound harsh, but I'm saying this out of great concern for you well-being. You're a new mom and I wish you a lifetime of enjoying your child and family and making happy memories.


This is not an easy road, but you can do it.


All the best.


RG


Hi RG


thanks for your advice though your reflection of “The amounts you are losing are breathtaking to me” wasn’t helpful to hear. I’d rather such reactions are kept to yourself. I wouldn’t go and post such comments on someone’s thread, whether they lose £100 or £100,000.


some people bet less some more. Some have lost hundreds of thousands, homes, relationships whilst others much less. I thankfully have not got myself in debt nor lost my house or job. Yes I have a gambling problem like us all here and  dwelling on the amounts lost will not help me fight the problem, neither is listening to others ‘breathtaking‘ reactions.


I will tell my husband in my own time, when I am ready. We spoke yesterday about gambling and I suspect he knows I lost again by what we discussed. He helped me yesterday get away from my phone at night By taking it away. 



No offense intended.  You are right.  My editorial comments were not helpful.  I will be more careful with my thoughts in future.


Have a wonderful gambling free day.


RG


Thanks RG 



I appreciate it. 



Meg 


I have restricted my access to funds again and will begin again. I will not give up on my recovery


I will fall again and again and again but I will pick myself up each time with positivity and a drive to kick this insidious habit. This is my journey, my recovery and I will take each step in my own way, as others have done (Many successfully) to aid my recovery.


This is my Day 1. I will not gamble today


There is a "rule"/"condition"/ "understanding" in GA that members do not mention sums of money.

I find this very helpful.

I do wish GT would implement a similar condition.

The CG part of my psyche can't handle thoughts about money, in the same way that I can't/should not handle money in real life.

Thinking about lost money affects me badly.

Just wonder how this sits with you, Meghna?


I would say the same. Calculating my losses and thinking about amounts doesnt help me. I also feel horrified about the CG part of me losing grip of the large amounts I play with. I feel very very uncomfortable about it 


Today is my day 2 GF and I will not gamble!


Happy GF day to everyone


Hi Meghna, well done on getting back here and posting. When it comes to amounts everything is relative of course. What I would say though is that the amounts you have mentioned sound like more money that you need easy access to. It is good that you have restricted your access again, I would recommend keeping those restrictions in place this time. "....I will fall again and again and again....." That doesn't have to be the case. Yes, slips can happen, if they do we can learn from them, but it is wrong to think that they are inevitable. We can all choose not to place our next bet, one day at a time. Keep posting.


Thanks for your comments. I think I used the wrong tense there. I fell again, again and again but I will not lose hope. Today is my day 2 GF and I will not gamble 


I will not gamble today


I did not gamble yesterday despite worrying about my bank balance.


I stayed up late sorting paperwork and ordered hospital pics of my baby.


I will admit that I am worried about the state of my bank balance.


Nonetheless I did not gamble yesterday and I will not gamble today.


Today is my day 4 GF. I will not gamble today.


I hear you on the bank balance issue, Meghna.

It seems a lot of "shadow transactions" appear when there is hyper activity on an account. A manifestation of the out of control behaviour a CG gets caught up in when in action.

Well done on your 4 GF days.

I vowed I wouldn't gamble last night.

I didn't!

Off to meet a friend for a day trip now so I'm safe for the next ten hours!

Enjoy your baby. Stay close to your family. Gambling has nothing to do with Real Life!


Thanks Vera for the words of encouragemenT


Those transactions Haunt me but I won’t let my next statements show thousands leaving my account 


enjoy your day trip 



I did not gamble yesterday or the day before that. That was a choice I made consciously, without clouded judgement.


Today is my day 5 GF

I am not in debt and I am about to go on holiday to Italy with my baby for our first holiday


I will not gamble today


Thank you everyone for your positivity and sharing your stories


I did not gamble yesterday nor the day before and I will not gamble today. Today is my day 6 


Positivity is crucial to my recovery and it is all I will be giving others


Onwards and upwards


Hi Meghna, thank you for sharing with me.


Negative Thought: Not gambling yesterday is no guarantee for today and tomorrow.


Positive Thought: If I can stay gamble free yesterday, I can do it today and tomorrow. One day at a time


I did not gamble yesterday nor the day before so I will not gamble today. One of the casinos has not paid out my withdrawal I made on 7th June. That’s playing on my mind as It’s not a small amount. Don’t wish to gamble at all. Just want my money back I have written a complaint email and sent it. No news from them other than I will hear back from them I shouldn’t have gambled in the first place. 2days till Italy and I plan to visit the Vatican. I love the drama that the French and Italians bring to life! Des moules and carbonara.... yes please!


The cimpany got back to me so I have resolved that problem thank goodness 


Just read your thread. So similar to mine and give me chills because it was like i was reading my own. Same amounts. AMe chasing, same self loathing, same relapses. It’s crazy. You are not alone and I am here with you every step of the way. Enjoy your vacation, your family, experiences .. things money can’t buy, things gambling stripped us of and robbed us of our happiness and time. I am day 4 today g free, working lots trying to grow my business. Saving money chipping away at my debt the right way. I know you can do it, you are strong. You know you will always be able to make money and save, but if we gamble and relapse, we start this mental torture all again. I wish you nothing but happiness. Never look back, we are in this war together and we are stronger than any bet. Believe that.


thanks murr.



i really appreciate  your words and I definitely find myself in your shoes when reading your thread. Both comforting and scary


i know what it’s like losing all sense of amount, waiting to win big and that impulsivity overpowering my reasonable judgement 


I have found myself in a loop of bet, huge loss, in shock, full of regret, vowing never again (though in earnest) it has weakened my mind, clouded by good judgement and knocked my confidencE ( when facing  my closest people) that person is not me. 


We can rewire our minds. Make them less desensitised to higher amounts of money. I already feel like counting pennies is helping me. budgeting, buying cheap, looking for offers. Choosing one rather than two or three Is actually helping me. 



Murr today is another GF day for us. It is! Let’s take back control 



I couldn’t tell any one other than my husband


firstly because I felt shattered, broken, conlfused, ashamed


Secondly his life is affected by my actions and vice versa, he needed to know


Others do not need to know as it doesn’t directly affect them. My gaining or losing financially will not affect them financially


I have relapsed at times and couldn’t always share them with my husband immediately because i felt terrible about what I had done. I began questioning my character and just wanted the earth to swallow me uP. I did tell him, in the end, the most part of what was going on with me and he has been helping me with barriers. Gamstop, taking away cards, and stopped giving me more money each week (now he’s putting it in savings himself) I am 190% ok with that.


I feel pain causing him pain


He has prayed and fasted for my and my baby’s wellbeing.


I have lost nothing by telling him and instead gained support, respect and care from him. Of course he was upset to begin with, not knowing or understandlong what problem gambling was or looked like.


It’s when we fall and remain loyal and honest with our closest that earns us the respect. I love him for all his kind words and encouragement since this struggle started.


Thanks for your post on my thread. I have gambled since then unfortunately, but I am getting back down to the basics and facing this issue one day at a time and seeking new tools for my arsenal.


You're right, we can do this one day at a time and it's important that we stay connected on this forum and in other areas of my life. In the three months that I managed to stay gambling free recently, I may have been spending to much time reading, posting and focusing on my addiction to the exclusion of other things. Now I'm going to seek balance. I think that's important for all of us.


Hope you've had a good weekend with your little family.


RG


Thanks RG



sorry to hear about your slip. You are taking your recI very seriously which is good to see and learn from 


we won’t give up 


Feeling good, kept busy


Flying out to Italia with my little family


Checked in and Need to sleep following a busy day.


Will post soon . . .


Hi Meghna, well done on telling your husband.


no gambling thoughts Today I will shop and eat and not gamble


This is my day 12. No gambling thoughts whilst here.


All I want now is to enjoy my family and go on holiday more often.


Roma tomorrow (past midnight so later today in fact)


Ciao


I did not gamble yesterday and I will not gamble today


parting with plus 1k cash was hard yet £30000 online was easy. Ah the fog and lack of control!


I say never again !




Home now safe and sound . Baby sleeping in my arms.


Took a pregnancy test this morning and two lines. One faint...Could it be....


Will take another in a week or so.


It would be welcome news for us!


Good to hear your vacation was great!! Stay positive and keep going forward, never looking back. I’m day 11 today. We got this! I know what you mean about spending money on material things, we become frugal yet we blow thousands in minutes gambling with nothing to show for it. What a nightmare. I can’t wait to look back once I am out of

This hole and think of how expensive of a lesson this was tk us. We will move forward and enjoy

Life the way it’s supposed to be, with no gambling . I hope you’re pregnancy test comes back positive ! Bring new life into the world , now that’s something to look forward to.


Thanks murr. Waiting to retake the test around 20th of this month


How are things with you


I am back at work and feeling the fatigue. I’ll get a wage this months thank god .


If I am pregnant i need to get.my finances in order as we’d need to buy a house ASAP


For now I just want to sleep


No gambling for me!!!



Coming on here and reading peoples posts gives me so much hope and motivation


Day 18  gf woohooo


Woohoo


Though bad news at work. I’ve been given a lesser position after returning back from maternity leave


I’ve contacted my union who say that because my contract is a generic job description on paper, my employer can get away with it


Had a few tears because of this


Another faint line on the pregnancy test . . .


My return to work has proven to be more of a challenge than I anticipated.



I have been given a lesser role for September which gives me lesser responsibility and has made me extremely anxious and unhappy. I have asked to meet with my boss and am waiting on the reply



I thought about the difficulties faced by returning to work mothers and the injustices and humiliation faced by some, simply because they chose to give life. I find it cruel and corrupt. Who says the western world is more advanced or enlightened with women’s rights? BS in my view and a looong way to go before such claims are made.



I read a few journals online about return to work women and there are so many stories of unfair treatment or demotions and paycuts caused by pregnancy and motherhood



No gambling to add to my load or cloud my judgement



I read a few threads of wives with CG husbands who have gambled away hundreds of thousands and who are still in denial about their addiction.



I can say today that I am a problem gambler. One bet is simply not enough for me and I


Lose control when I bet.



I have made the conscious decision to stop and I did not gamble yesterday nor the day before and I will not gamble today.



I am responsible for the financial damage to my family and I own it.



I pray I will never find myself there again. 




Past the 21 days and really not looking to spend any more of my money in unhealthy ways.


Work is full on. Baby needing a lot more energy


Gambling would turn my world upside down in this situation


Thank you god for making me use my reasonable mind


And remember bow gambling made you feel, depressed, self loathing , self hatred, regret, disappointment.., hating ourselves for what we did to our finances and our loved ones... remember if

You ever get the urge, remember how you felt. I never want to feel

That pain again, and you don’t either. Keep going... keep posting, we got this together .


Thanks murr for your unending support and energy. I really don’t feel an urge to gamble and even when pressure is on from work. Coming on the forum has become a good habit for me to read people’s progress and remind myself of the dangers of gambling.


My self loathing has stopped. I have enough to live on and am back at work.


Work life isn’t great and I am taking each day as it comes.


So I am not pregnant but I would like to be...


Read some more threads online and affirmation that gambling damages


Stayed over my older sis place last night and  today. No gambling thoughts and all the barriers are in place Happy Sunday! :)


Day 30 !!! Whooooo Never will I give in ...


Well done on one whole month, Meghna!!! When you have time to think about it, let us know how your life has changed over the past 30 days, now that you've thrown that monkey off your back!!!


RG


Hi RG,



Thank you for your kind words and well wishes on my first milestone.



So how my life has benefitted from staying away from gambling...


If I think back to a particular morning. I woke up having gambled and lost about 5-6k the night before. I had a sick feeling in my stomach and was low and really didn’t want to wake up and face my baby and husband. I was really negative to him and whatever he said I snapped back in order to avoid any daily life issues or responsibilities I had for my family.



That morning I continued to gamble and staked a huge amount on slots (£500-£600 a spin) set my heart racing and was in zombie mode, square eyed, dazed. Out of control. I ‘won’ on the last spin and then my mood rocketed from down and grey to euphoric and upbeat. My husband asked me what was wrong with me as I had only minutes ago shut him off and everything he had said. 



I feel sick thinking about that moment. I feel ashamed and I was stunned by how I went from low to high in minutes. Horrible, scary 



So today:



I face everyday in its real form


I don’t seek to escape 


I think Logically about everyday obstacles 


I am Present in mind and body for my baby and the father of my child


I would like another baby and grow my family


I started work and though it has bought some worry and a lot of fatigue, I feel good knowing I am contributing to my family’s pot


I no longer hide my phone or fear my husband might find anything to do with gambling 


I have stopped regretting


I no longer put pressure on myself to buy our first home and instead focus on the here and now to build my future.


I am no longer a slave to a destructive habit


I choose not to be dependent on a damaging activity 



I feel free 



So tired from work. Fell asleep in the other room after shutting my eyes. My baby was asleep at the time. Never have I dozed off into such a deep sleep like knocked out by pills. Woke up to a screaming baby, she’d fallen off the bed. Horrible fear and guilt whilst picking her up, dazed and unaware of my surroundings. Fatigue...


Baby is ok now but never will I leave her alone whilst asleep. She’s crawling now so can move off at any time.


No gambling to add to it all. Thank you god


I like what kin wrote earlier today. I too do not have money to lose on gambling. I cannot afford it. I am receiving emails from gambling sites despite being on GamStop. Even ones I am banned from send me emails I don’t like to see the names of the sites. It make me remember past gaming which I find throws me a little. Luckily GamStop is helping me steer clear


Hi Meghna,


Read your whole thread, very inspiring for a fellow CG.

I have been through the same. Keep up the GF regime going.

Don't pay attention to the marketing emails which tell you about loyalty points in your account, it's all a gimmick.


Giving advice or listening and sharing with others in the same boat, when you are on the path to recovery yourself, is so rewarding


1. It reinforces your beliefs and positive mindset to quit

2. Reminds you that each hour in the day staying Gf was once a struggle. Previously Not knowing if you’d get through even a few hours without gambling. Now it’s like counting easily off the calendar without a second thought

3. Shows that you can make a positive difference to someone else’s life by sharing your recovery strategies but also the habits that led to your own failures which others can avoid


Thank you everyone


Today I learned that I am not an addict or a gambler- I am a person who has been mAking unhealthy behavioural choices.


I learned that I have a choice .


I learned that an urge lasts about 20 minutes. If I choose to do something else during this time it will pass.


I learned that If I choose to make an unhealthy choice it impacts on my hierarchy of values - I might consider my health or my family as number one on this hierarchy but when I choose an unhealthy behaviour I am putting the behaviour above everything else in on my list. I am compromising my hierarchy of values .


Thank you I. D. I


Not coming on so much since holidays have started. It’s day 40 for me. It doesn’t sound much but feels like it’s a looong way away from where I was 40 days ago.


My head no longer wants to waste the hard earned money I have .


I feel more in control


I'm happy for you. I was so worried. 40 days is amazing. You are on such a different wavelength to last month. Well done for staying away from the slots. Xxx


Really clearing up and organising the house. There was a heatwave In London the day before last and it made me realise just how little I am able to do in that kind of heat.


So nice to see my baby up and about. Less strain on my arms and I get to watch her from a distance. I have given up a lot having her but have gained so much more.


No thoughts of gambling and happy to be more emotionally stable compared to Before.


Life throws so much at us. Work personal relationships, bills, children. Add gambling to the mix... chaos, confusion, anger, hate, on repeat, in a loop. Losing your head.


 Happy that I’m off work for the holidays. Going to Paris on Wednesday with my friend who just passed her Phd. Looking for gift ideas that aren’t too pricey. Anyone have any ideas?


I did something stupid yesterday but luckily didn’t gamble


Paris tomorrow


Gambling destroyed my year, delayed my future plans and knocked my confidence


Never again


Scary to think I lost so much money on this madness


Never again!!!


I am in a similar situation, I lost a lot of money which my husband and I saved for the house. Can you tell me how your husband reacted when you told him??


He was shocked, angry and then quiet. But he began to understand what led me there and he helped me put obstacles in the way of gambling. The best thing he did was reassure me that I could stop and never reminded me of what I’d done. Rather he said he had faith in me and that we’d get back on track financially.



his belief in me was a wake up call. I know that if I wanted to I could lie and hide from him, even argue my way out of it as it was ‘my money’ ( in my personal account) but I realised I had to save me from myself. The impulsive CG self. Otherwise i would lose everything including my sanitY. I have a baby now and I just couldn’t afford to take the path of self destruction ( and their destruction too as what I do affects them)



Things are much much better. Life is enjoyable and my baby brings out the best in me


Day 49


well done, keep it up


Meg amazing! Day 46 I believe for me. Let’s goo!!!!


Onward and upwards !!!


Bless!!


Day 50


I reached today thanks to the support of many on this forum and the threads that were written for people like me to read.


My husband and baby are really my main motivation to overcome this hurdle in my life. I am so blessed to have them, a roof over our heads, food and good health. That’s all I dreamt of back in 2016 when my 8 year relationship ended and I drove back to London.


I am in a much better place compared to April this year.


I will never lose myself again.


Thank you Meghna for your post on my thread .

So glad to read life is on track for you and that you are enjoying your little baby.

Xx


Day 52,


Today is my wedding anniversary and I am happy to say I was able to buy my husband a nice gift without the guilt I felt when gambling and losing (of course)


Happy anniversary! Not gambling brings many good things. Have a good day!


Thank you liz 



Hi Meghna,

Wishing you many more years of happiness and unconditional love.


Thank you so much kin



i appreciate it 



:)



❤️


Day 53


Day 54


Amazing message from Murr. Will reply when baby is napping


Determined never to lose my self belief and great to have someone doing the exact same


:)


Read through your thread! Way to go! Keep on going! Can I ask what the message was from Murr?


We cannot look back and dwell on what could have been or what we could have done different, but we sure as heck can not make the same mistake we did gambling. Our minds will slowly move on from our losses and we will live every day till our last breath on earth gamble free, that is the mind set we must have to continue this beautiful life. Your family and child, means so much more than any amount of money, and you have  much time to rebuild with some amazing people in your corner, including myself. I believe in you and I believe we will look back on this in a year, with money saved, a clear positive mind. And a gamble free life. I’m rooting for you and I know you’re rooting for me too. Let’s keep fightimy, keep going, and growing, our bank accounts. And also our gamble free days. God bless!! Onwards and upwards. Never look



back. 



Day 51.



9 days until 2 months sober. Yes I will treat this just like a drug, because gambling ruined my life temporarily just like drugs and alcohol did At one point. 



got To keep fighting.


That was the message:)


Great message. Thanks for sharing.


Day 55


Day 56


Day 58


Day 59


Day 60


:)


Day 62


YOU GO GIRL!!!! Here's to 62 more!


Thanks RG 


Xx


Reading through my initial posts on

The thread was terrifying. As I read onwards my head was pounding in terror at how I was going from bad to worse. Going through thousands and thousands. Out of control. Unpredictable. On a speed train that is gambling and screaming in pain to get off.


(Deep Breath) wow. What a nightmare I lived. What a horror show gambling showed me. It took and it took. It reduced me into an impulsive, uncontrollable gambling zombie. My sane reasonable self trying to make sense of it all the while.


I feel sorry and sad that I Was blinded.


Gambling is toxic, destructive, false.


How something clicked in my head to walk away, I don’t know.


I have walked away and I never ever want to relive that nightmare. I hope everyone on this forum can look back at the nightmares they have lived due to gambling too and walk away from it for good .


Great post Meghna .

Well done on walking away from the horrible life gambling addiction brings us .

Keep strong xx


Thanks idi,



thinking back really is scary but so so helpful 



heres to more GF days for us!


Day 63


Day 64


Day 65


Not a great end of the day for me today. Thinking of you Murr


I am so proud of you going so strong.

I was so happy to be on the same page as you

I was so motivated to stay gamble free

Alcohol took over my brain

And made me lose all logic.

Keep going meg. You motivate me to get back to where you are now and where I was just on Friday.

Thank you for always thinking of me, bless your soul.


Day 66


You are rocking this recovery thing. Be proud of yourself.


RG


Hi Meghna

I am glad to see you visiting the recovery tool forum. Many kind people there are sharing very useful information to help us strengthen each step we take in recovery.


God bless!


Thanks Kin



yes definitely some very useful material on this site both past and present 


Day 67.


I didn’t deserve what happened to me but I made bad choices. I also was very ignorant when doing it and I wish I knew what I know now.


I am in a better place than I was 67 days ago and am certain that I will be in a better place this time next year so long as gambling is out of the equation


I am finally awake


what keeps me gf is knowing that I am missing nothing. I have everything to gain and nothing to lose by staying gf


I sleep at night


i no longer hide my phone


i am no longer paranoid about anyone finding out


i no longer check my bank balance every second


I am no longer shuffling money about to hide the gaps


I face everyday issues with a clear mind


I no longer seek escapism


I am less of an overly emotional, impulsive partner


I no longer feel self loathing and guilt


i No longer feel like I am a bad person


i am more confident


So if I gamble, I basically take on the opposite of that all. I welcome all those problems back into my life.


i say no for now and forever,


I am certain that my finances will look after themselves if I choose not to gamble. Gambling will never help my finances, my personal life, my professional life, my peace of mind, my well being, my growth as a person.


Very well said, Megna.

Trust in Providence.

Saying NO to the first gambling thought is the answer.

That is what I am attempting to do today.

One day at a time leads to "FOREVER".


Thanks for your support Meghna.

I believe we are on the right path to recovery.

We should not let the past steal our present.


Day 68


Meghan, You are such an inspiration. Wow! You have an incredible way of putting this “disease” into perspective. I thank God for letting our paths cross! Keep going strong! Bound and determined to follow your foot steps!


Thanks Jen 



lets keep adding to those gf days


Day 69


Thanks for posting to my thread, Meghna and well done on 69 G free days.

The reason today is so difficult for me is because I had a very good "Withdrawal Pending"which would have been cleared today.

I reversed . Lost heavily and chased it.

'Nuff said!

Sick to my heart over it . I really needed that money.


I am sorry to hear that Vera. I’ve been there myself. its the gambling mind wanting a repeat the “big win”



horrible. So glad I have closed that door 


Day 70


Day 71



I will never leave the door open for ruin. I will never be influenced to gamble however convincing the argument may be, gambling, chasing losses, waiting for the big win is a losers game, false. I lost and I don’t want to be there again.


Obstacles are my shield against this insidious activity.


Next year and the next and the next will make my nightmare of gambling more distant from me. May it stay away forever


With each day that passes my reasonable mind grows stronger


Thank you god


I will not make excuses to gamble or justify my gambling or leaving the door open. Gambling is a choice, the wrong one clearly 



Day 72


Well done Meghna!

That’s a great achievement xx


Thanks idi 


:) 


So I started playing Tetris quite obsessively on my phone for the past four weeks. Thought it would help me move on from the G and was a game I played during my time out. Except I’ve started playing it at times when i have important things to do.


This morning I found myself playing Thor’s lightning demo version online and I realised that I was back to allowing the slots in. Then I ended up playing for real on a non uk website. So I relapsed :( ofcourse I lost the money.I feel like crap really but definitely a lesson learned that I can’t replace G with games that imitate it. It will only trigger that behaviour.


I downloaded Gamban on my phone, it’s free for the first 14 days but I will buy it after. What good about it is that your cannot remove it once your have installed it on the phone. So today is my day 1 again.


I'm the same way M. I start with watching the YouTube videos then I end up looking and doing all things innocent, then I am playing for real before I know it. Its like the old "bait and switch" routine but its our own brains tricking us  i to giving it what it wants. I gave gamban on EVERYTHING I can play on now. If I want to play I shall have to travel a great distance and I hope that will be enough of a deterrent to stop the slips. I will gave 2 hours to think about it before I get there. Hope this works too. The gym is a great idea to get you moving and make you feel better about yourself. Maybe I will start up again too. Best to you and stay strong 


Thanks Berta 


 words were reassuring and definitely a comfort right now


Regular exercise alleviatEs so many problems


well Done with installing gamban, another barrier will definitely reinforce our gf mindset and stop us if things get out of hand 


:)



So easily done, Megna.

Every time I gambled, my " slip" was preempted by incessant "Snake" playing on my phone.

Some GA members related to this.

Hard lesson for you.

All you can do is get back to the proverbial drawing board.


It’s weird but I felt like the signs were there, playing Tetris like mad and writing to myself to reinforce the message about gambling evils to stop me


All said and done, gambling  is a choice and I made the wrong choice this time



so gamban in place and Tetris deleted. I am joining the gym tomorrow 



” if nothing changes theN. Nothing changes” that seems to be on my


mind lately




Sorry Meghan. Way to go getting right back on track, as most of us, at least myself would of kept chasing. “Just give me my money back than I will quit” “ just give me half back.” Etc etc. It scares me how easily we can get sucked right back in. I am truly happy that you were able to stop and recognize where you went wrong, admit it and carry on. Prayers my friend.


Thank you jen,



definitely have yo to get right back up and   c o u n t my blessings along with more gf days.



the alternative is unimaginable 



wishing the best for you too Jen



x



Hi Meghna

This isn’t the same as your original day one because you have learned lessons and these will strengthen your recovery.

I think counselling might be helpful for you - I certainly remember feeling really lonely when I had my baby and although I absolutely adored him, I felt quite isolated from the life and people I had pre- baby.

Gamcare provide free counselling which you can do online and might be worth considering .

Well done on raising your barriers .


Thanks idi



I appreciate the advice. I will look into that 


Hi Meghna:


Relapses are part of recovery. They're not fun, but they happen to the best of us. I went three months, then fell and kept trying. I'm in a stop-go cycle now that I know will end with the supports i have in place. It takes time, but we learn with each experience.


We already know how bad it can get when we choose gambling. I am certain that you will not go back to that level of madness willingly. The only option is to get up, keep aware, learn every day, stay away from triggers. It is a process. We will all get there in our own time.


If you read Steev's thread, you will see that in the beginning he managed to stay stopped for a while and then relapsed. But with each relapse, his amounts lost grew smaller and the lengths of relapses decreased. Now he is a world traveler with decades gambling free. I use that as inspiration.


RG


Thanks so much RG for your insight and thoughtful comments 


i love the rumi quotes, they were so much needed by me. They made me stop and think


"Why do you stay in prison when the door is wide open?" I feel this with many aspects of my life right now. I do feel trapped in many ways 



"As you start to walk on the way, the way appears." This is so so helpful to me. Embarking on a Journey that requires work and patience and faith is so difficult for me at this moment in my life. The unknown brings on anxiety



thanks so much for sharing



wishing you well RG x


Sorry for your relapse meg. Sometimes I wonder

If reading other people’s relapses makes us relapse. And I feel terrible. But maybe it’s the opposite and we just relapse from

Triggers, and reading others relapse makes us want to stay g free. My relapse was awful and it’s been one week. We are in this together and I’m always here for ya. Let’s continue to go strong. Gambling hangovers are something I never want to

Experience again. Gambling debt is brutal.


I was thinking the same about the relapse. Who knows.


I lost more money which I couldn’t really afford to lose, that hurts a lot


but I’m starting the Journey again my friend. The alternative is much worse. Time And patience are my challenges right now. 



Lets keep ouR heads up and our minds clear 


Hi Meghna,

Sorry to read about your recent re-lapse, you have to stay strong and keep trying again n again.

We are all humans and are programmed to make mistakes, be patient and you will be stronger as the time goes by, it will get easier. All the very best with GF days, months and years..


Hi Meghna,


I am so sorry to read about your last gamble.


You are doing well and I thought the arrival of your newborn can stop your gambling.


I really do not wish you to go through the pain and suffering that I have went through in search of recovery from addiction.


I took almost 20 years to realize that staying gamble free alone is abstinence without recovery.


We need a Higher Power and a recovery program to help us recover. May you find them now.


Something feels different about my relapse this time. I have no urge to get that money back. I accepted my stupid choice of gambling and knew I would lose. If I chase I will lose again. Gamban on all devices including laptop


No gambling thoughts today.


You


Still gf since last fall. Sad to hear about Murr


My uncle in law passed away so busy will the in laws and grieving. 


I kind of don’t want to c o u n t days right now until I have a decent amount of time again gf. two months or so but do not wish to gamble at all. Never been to land based (except once with my ex. No losses or major gambling in Amsterdam ) and have gamban on all devices


No urge or wish to continue with G 



Thinking of you meg. I also don’t want to c o u n t days. We managed to get up to 70+ so let’s do it again. Thank you for your continuous support in my recovery and I hope I can help in yours too. One day at a time we will be at this demon. Sept is a new start to a new month and just think 2020 is just 4 months away. Let’s make these next 4 months gamble free, and then have a gamble free 2020. I know we can do this ... we got to. It’s a matter of want. Always in my thoughts and prayers meg. Keep strong and also sorry for your loss. It’s crazy because my ex had cancer and beat it.. but she thinks it could be back again... I saw a quote that said “people think being broke and having no money is the problem... the real problem is being in a situation that not even money can fix” such as health and life. always have to c o u n t our blessings and be grateful to see another day and make things right. 


I’m GF since last relapse. im trying a different strategy this time to see how it works. Gamban on all devices so no G



Busy with work and the baby 


how are you doing? Hope all is well and you’re still fighting the good fight of being gamble Free.



much love


Murr,



so so nice to hear from you. You are working extremely hard to get back on your feet and it is extremely admirable. I know you will not gamble agaim. Your words are quite different and I like how you talk about what you are doing to move forwards rather than talking about figures lost. I have been reading your posts though have Not posted or replied myself.


So I relapsed as you know and since then I would lie if I said It doesnt hurt or I didn’t wish I could get the money back.This time though I felt quite vigilant and didn’t want to go further or chase mindlessly, no matter what the amounT. In fact I was afraid to do that and put more barriers in place.


I am bored of the damage it brings and it is guaranteed damage.



so the good news is I’m pregnant! Started work in September and really really tied up with work and then home duties.



over the moon that my baby  will have a sibling soon. 



Always wishing you the best and rooting for you my friend 




 


your words are poetic, they mean more to me than you will truly ever know. I am so happy to hear that news of you being pregnant. What an amazing thing to bring life to this beautiful world, and to shift focus from that evil thing I won’t mention, to brand new life. I’ve learnt that relapsing is all part of our journey and it really shapes us to be who we are and how we will make it out on top. its such a silly thing to think about the actual act of what we did, and I think this time is different for both of us. I truly believe we are done with this , through all of our ups and downs, I want to fight with you to make this year 2020 gamble free and every year after that. Like you used to say to me



i did not gamble yesterday


i will not gamble today


or tomorrow


or any day after that.



so nice to hear from you meg. You’ve helped me more than you will ever know through my recovery, and I commend you for that from the bottom of my heart.


keep in touch, and keep on fighting. To many more days gamble free



much love. Always.



-Stephen


You have a new supporter here meg. I still need to read through your thread, started reading some but i need to get to sleep. I have work in 5 hours and im still awake reading on here lol. 


From what i have seen, i can tell youre a nice person. We all deserve to move on in peace from this addiction. Congratulations on being pregnant. You must be so excited. I will be in touch, keep fighting and working on yourself. Talk soon :)


Hi hunny, just read your posts and I’m sorry to hear you relapsed again.


Congratulations on being pregnant what a nice thing to focus on!


I am starting my journey now, haven’t told anyone yet but need to get it off my chest. Everything you have said, I completely relate to.


It’s a big relief to see you managed to stop, even if you did relapse, you know you can do it again!!


Thinking of you and wish you all the best

X


Now you have one more reason to think before you gamble. Every now and then I watch documentaries about gambling, poverty and the like, and think about the situation I could be in, being a single mom. I think about leaving nothing for my children when I die because I have gambled it all away. So many relationships end due to the financial hardship caused by cg and now that you are pregnant again you stand to lose more than ever if you continue. Gamban on ALL devices is definately the way to go. Your mind will adjust to the change of not being able to gamble online soon enough, and then it just gets easier. I always liken it to having chocolate cake in the fridge when your on a diet. You may move on to something else to eat, but if you dont have the chocolate cake, you cant eat chocolate cake. If you cant gamble at home, you'll do something else. Hope your pregnancy is an easy one. Keep posting


Hope you are well. Always thinking of you in your recovery and how much you’ve been there for me. Please let me know

How you are doing. Keep on fighting


I was thinking of you tonight and read your last post about your baby going to have a sibling soon. Congrats!


Thank you Murr, Berta and Kin.


Since my last relapse in august I have not gambled. I gave up all my bank cards and deal only with cash now.


I am sorry to hear about your relapse murr. You really deserve a fresh start and renewed hope and motivation. It is in you and you must fight for it. Please be kind to yourself and stop the pain of gambling.


I am almost 9 weeks pregnant and busy with family life. The good news is that I am looking for a house to buy and have made a few offers. I felt sad at times thinking about the amount of deposit I would have had which would have given me a low interest rate and a good standing with paying stamp duty. However, still so optimistic and encouraged by the fact that I am putting the rest of my money into a worth while project.


My head is clearer and energy better placed since my last slip.


Things are looking up


Wishing everyone the very best


Good to hear that you are doing so well Meg and that you are feeling up so that you can enjoy your pregnancy. Good vibes for the new life is what is best. I understand about the regret and the feelings that we must look back at what we've lost, but do not dwell on it. Life is full of regrets of all kinds but we must move forward and not make the same mistakes again. Sometimes i feel like thinking about the money lost is another way for our minds to draw us back in to try to recoup our losses, and I try not to let it bother me. I have too lost a lot from cg, and sometimes cry when I think about what I've done, but I know that I must keep moving forward and make the best of the situation I am in. Always remember there are so many others in worse situations and that where you are isnt really all that bad. I watch documentaries about poverty and people living paycheck to paycheck and thank God I was able to stop when I did. I know it is a cliche but there so many others worse off than you and I so let's do our best to appreciate our situations and our efforts and enjoy another day gf.


Thank you Berta for your insight and perspectiv. I also thank god for allowing me to be rational most of the time. 


I no longer wish to gamble. I no longer wish to throw money away in seconds. 


wishing you the best xx


I have my first baby scan on Monday and so excited


Congratulations Meghna on your pregnancy and of course in your gamble free time.

You are doing really well and you can look forward to the new arrival without the stress of gambling in your life .


Stay strong xx


Still gf and feel like gambling was part of a previous life of mind. It’s so weird how when you stop and work on recovery, the brain can stop the toxic cycle.


I will stay vigilant but I do think not reading everyday about gambling helped me channel my energy elsewhere.


I am almost 16 weeks pregnant and will find out the gender of my baby on Saturday. Life is a blessing


I can try to put into words how proud I am of you for overcoming this , but I truly can't find the words. I just want you to know how amazing of a person you are and that you deserve nothing but happiness In life. I am so happy for your pregnancy, and obviously how you and your husband are clearly doing very well and he has forgiven you and you have forgiven yourself of this bad addiction. There is nothing more than I wanted to see than you come out on top, and persevere through the storm that we were in. It's a distant memory and like you said, feels like it was in a past life. So I can try to thank you for being there for me, but there are no words to describe how much you helped me through my journey, even if at times you felt your words weren't getting through to me during my many relapses, it all helped me become who I am on this very day, which is 2 months gamble free. I was so happy reading your positive update today, and I am right there with you. So many times I would come on here and tell you I had relapsed, or read you had, and it broke me inside, it's so nice to see we are both on the path of a gamble free, happy life. Take Care my friend.


im wishing you and your family a very merry Christmas and a happy New Years. Do let me know the gender when you find out. 


love always,



your friend Stephen


Stephen,



it never ceases to amaze me how caring and giving you are to people that need help on GT. You always reach out and give anything you can to help others learn something from you. Whether it's someone new on the forum or old. You take the time to read and respond and you are very sincere with your thoughts and feelings. Please know that it is appreciated. 



thank you so much for consider  the very little I did for you though I feel you helped me so much too. Know that I always follow your progress and am always wishing the best for you. You are very honest and sincere about your journey and know your weaknesses.


I hope your dad is well and that this tough time has put many things that actually matter higher up in the priority list. I am sure it has bought you closer to your loved ones. You are loved by so many ppl around you so believe that you will always do better and make the right choices. Love can help us overcome so many struggles in life.


thank you for your kind words. They really made me feel appreciated. I will definitely keep you posted about the baby in the making


take care of yourself stephen and keep sharing your positivity. 



This message means so much to me. I really do try my best to give people the help and advice that was given to me, and if I can help anyone in the slightest way to beat this addiction, that means more than anything to me. I just feel like it's so hard to talk to people in real life about it, people that haven't experienced it, even professional councillors that haven't experienced gambling addiction, they just went to school to study the brain and addiction. I find real life experience to be a better teacher. i Have been at rock bottom with this demon too many times to c ount and I want to be the proof that it's never to late to get your life back to what it was before gambling, because we all seem to forget what that life is like when we're in action. I'm so appreciative of your message and kind words and I want you to know the feeling is mutual. You are a kind soul who goes out of her way to help others - and not even having met you I can say you've helped me more than people in my real life who I've known for 15+ years who just didn't understand what gambling addiction was, the type of people that tell you, "well, just stop gambling" I wish it was that easy and you know it takes a lot of hard work to stop, but once your brain is shifted to abstinence I feel like there's a point where you legitimately will never gamble again. And I truly believe that's where we are right now. 


take care my friend.



keep on fighting the good fight!



god bless


Hi Meghna ,

What a great post - it’s so good to read that life is going well for you. It is interesting that you find that choosing to not focus on gambling is helpful . I guess there are lots of better things we can focus on. Great news about the baby xx


Thank you IDI


so happy to hear so many positive steps we are all taking to avoid G damage. I've been following your progress and wishing you well with each update you give



you sound so focused and energised and it is helpful to hear about the positive steps you have taken to get were you are right now.


keep posting :)



It’s 2020! Happy new year to everyone on this forum. Stephen happy new year my friend, wishing you the best for this new decade. 



I have to agree with so many comments I have read today about gambling causing unnecessary stress, shifting money, counting, calculating, projecting. It’s all a nightmare. One way of self destructing. Not worth it. Imagine the years we pile on for this self inflicted pain and stress.



Still GF from august last year. I can not afford to look back. I feel very close to my husband and baby right now. My family is growing and it’s beautiful to be a part of it. I am fortunate in this life and really don’t need more money as it won’t change my feelings of contentment since choosing to stop G.



Life throws its problems at me but now I face them and work through them with my family.



Wishing you all well for this amazing new year!


Do you believe in Mental telepathy, Megna? I have been thinking of you a lot recently. Perhaps it's because my son's wife is expecting our first grandchild next week or maybe it is a flashback to your earlier posts, describing how you "won" and lost and how hard your husband works and how you were deceiving him. I could be in the same room as my husband, gambling thousands while he sits in silence not noticing what is happening , until I scream at him "for nothing"...you described how "wins and "losses" caused similar mood swings which you took out on your baffled husband too.


Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with you. When is your baby due and how is your little girl?


It's approx 9 days since I gambled. I feel a bit "stuck".


I managed to obtain a high interest loan to save face and sanity and to use as repayments on my other long standing debts.


I can't afford to look back or look forward so I just look up.


I do believe God honours our genuine efforts to come back to the right road to salvation. I have one foot on that road now so I need to keep moving forward. Just for today there will be no turning back.


Thank you for following my thread. I guess you're off work with this Covid-19 Pan (PLAN?)demic! I hope it runs it's course quickly.


The worst thing a CG could be asked to do is "self isolate".


Gambling can be more harmful than a million viruses and there is no vaccine for gambling.


Sadly people die if both things aren't contained fast.


GOD HELP US ALL!


Hi Meghna

Thank you for your post on my thread.


Firstly you didn’t relapse so please do not treat what happened as a relapse.


You understand that you have an addiction to gambling and that at times will-power alone isn’t enough.

You put barriers in place and your barriers held up .


You should be so proud of yourself.


You made this happen!


You sent a very strong message to the addiction that even during moments of weakness it can’t get you !


Well done Meghna - this is what barriers are for !


I thought I would put this on my own thread to remember my journey.



I am still coming on GT to read.



I found myself in a difficult position so many times. My triggers are playing games (non g) like Tetris excessively. They seem to remind me of the ‘highs’ of G.



Unfortunately my other trigger is when my bank balance looks healthy and I start thinking about purchasing a house somewhere. 



After my holiday in the states and my love of the life out in Florida, I found myself calculating money again and wanting to accelerate the process of saving for that dream home (in Florida this time). Some of my family live out there and when I was there I felt at home and extremely well as I had when I lived in Aix-en-Provence. That dream still exists :) and I will have to be a lot more patient and hardworking to realise it.



I Think about the tremendous efforts I have put into my recovery and all the positive that has come out of it. G thoughts come and go, some stronger than others but my barriers are solid and will help me in a big way.



After my episode of depositing money in my hubby’s account, I shut down that account and transferred the entire balance to a savings account which doesn’t allow any internet transfers nor issues any cards for purchases. I felt a great sense of relief as I know that money is ‘safe’ from G (at least).



 



The boredom that may have triggered the relapse is now being addressed. I signed up to an échange linguistique  site and have found some people I converse with in French and English via watsapp and voice calls. It has really evoked the amazing experiences I had whilst living abroad and reminded me of the great efforts I put in to adapt to living and working abroad (including learning a third language). I lived frugally and was very happy. I have a good foundation to build on and I realised that those skills have lay dorment for the past 4 years. Well not anymore!


Hi Meghna

You are sending such a strong message to that addiction - you are letting it know that you are prepared for moments of weakness and you are filling your time with much better things.

You are safe because you have taken action to keep yourself safe .

You did this . You!

Well done


Thank you IDI.


:)


was thinking about what Relapseking wrote ‘... i get evil thoughts like hurting myself or stealing my money back from someone else....’



When I experienced a massive loss one night, almost £20k within half an hour, it was a sobering experience for me. At first I felt brain dead and kept blinking and looking at the screen, not believing what had happened. What I had done. How out of control I was.



The experience humbled me in a way. I always imagined myself to be quite intelligent and I was, at times, arrogant when thinking about my ability  to make money and managing my finances. My husband always let me manage our money and at times I was pretty harsh with him for making poor financial decisions. Even his overspending would be mentioned by me. It’s a mindset which was nurtured by my father during my teens to adulthood. My father always said I had a good, steady head on my shoulders. 



After that night, I never felt (and still don’t feel) that someone else deserved it to happen to them. I never wished to steal money or acquire money to make up for the losses. I actually thought that the fact that I am gambling and trying to win more money that someone else lost was toxic and wrong within itself. I remembered god and the power he had to make or break me. He alone could bring success and happiness into my life and in contrast he could also take it away. Why me? Well because I am human and am open to wrong thoughts and actions.



It hurt so much to lose so much money. To date, I think I’ve lost within the region of £35k- £45k (stopped counting) to gambling but I feel it is a wake up call that I am fallible. I am flawed as a human being. I can make bad choices and things in my life can go wrong. It made my faith in God stronger and my need to ask him for help when I cannot find answers vital. 



My gambling stemmed from so many issues both childhood related and post pregnancy/ motherhood.



I forgive myself and stop asking myself how or why it happened. I know why it happened and it stemmed from arrogance and greed. I would never ever wish it on anyone. I try to be more generous with money now and give to the poor. I like to splash out on bday presents for friends and family and do not dwell on financial costs or losses (car fines or insurance) as I used to.



Reading Kin's posts gives me so much faith in humankind and human nature. I wish to correct my ways and thoughts and be fair, generous and forgiving. Since having my first child and now expecting my second, I realise how precious life is and how it can end suddenly. Money is not everything. Life, peace and love is.


It is really not healthy venting frustration or anger on anyone on this forum. Especially after someone has relapsed and especially at a time like this.


Hi Meghan I totally agree. We don’t need to be bashed when we are down. I used to receive many posts which I found upsetting after a relapse - I guess people got frustrated with me throwing my life away. The ones which really annoyed me were the unhelpful GA cliches and misquoted and misinterpreted bible “quotes”. Now that I’m in recovery I know the advice that really helped was the advice telling me what actions to take. I have to say since Steev came on here I have turned my life around- he advised actions without the annoying cliches like “ god helps those who help themselves” or “the things we don’t want to hear are the things we need to hear”. ,” we are only as sick as our secrets”. There are many similar quotes and I honestly think they made it more difficult to reach recovery. I agree some of us need to hear the message very directly but please advise actions we can take - we can go to church if we want a sermon!


I really do not appreciate the venting of frustrations on my thread. 


Thank you 


Very crossed wires here - not frustrated at all - loving recovery!


Maybe a misunderstanding and I apologise if i got the wrong end of the stick. 



a relapse is devastating in itself and I remember  getting so much positive feedback from everyone here to help me deal with it. I feel for anyone who has relapsed and always want to be optimistic that they can get back to being GF



Meghna,

Sorry about the autocorrect with your name.

I was not referring to you at all in my post .

I was referring to years ago when I was having relapse after relapse - and what I found helpful and unhelpful.

I was also agreeing that no one deserves to bashed after a relapse - we all want to stop -it just not easy.

I am a Christian and have no problem with anything anyone posts.

Not sure what has triggered your post on my thread - but best leave it there.


Maybe a misunderstanding and I apologise if i got the wrong end of the stick. 


a relapse is devastating in itself and I remember  getting so much positive feedback from everyone here to help me deal with it. I feel for anyone who has relapsed and always want to be optimistic that they can get back to being GF



Yes Meghna ,

I can appreciate that - I am going back a decade - we didn't have the same understanding of addiction we do now. I used to feel bashed a lot back then and that’s why your post resonated with me.

It’s not that people meant to upset me - it was somehow instead of telling me what I needed to do (I probably wasn’t ready to hear anyway ), I found some posts made me feel worse and hopeless.

Gambling is a most horrible addiction - it has taken me over a decade to come out from under it. In the end I needed very intensive treatment - I still have on-going therapy.


I am in no position to judge or criticise anyone who has had a relapse - I am just grateful it’s not me this time.

We are all only one bad decision away from a relapse- a devastating, crushing relapse .


I appreciate that IDI and sorry I think I misread what you wrote. I'm not actually religious myself but believe in a creator/maker. 



Me neither, i am not in a position to judge anyone, ever. I can understand why someone may wish to quote  god or the bible , because it comforts them I guess . I never quote from the Quran (book I'm familiar with)  It never brings me comfort :(


anyway wishing you a lovely day IDI



When someone is blatantly rude to another person, after they’ve relapsed, the former is commended. Yet the person who recognised this actioned of ’kicking someone when down’ as wrong, and reflects on it on their thread, is seen as the wrongdoer. Ok then


I am not part of any camp and will speak my mind (on my own thread)


Hi Meghna,


Your spiritual, mental, physical, emotional and financial health is vital to your well-being and your recovery is very precious. It is very painful and not worth it to lose our recovery due to complacency. Your family and baby need you,. Please do not lose sight of your priority.


We are powerless and have little control over other people. We can only stay focus on our recovery and not others.I wish you all the best in everything you do.


Very true. 


thank you Kin for your words of advice . Of course, everything I post is there to serve as a reminder of my Values.


Take care


Hi Meghna,

Thank you for your nice words and interest on my thread. I did the fast for health reasons and I cannot advice in this area, it is best to seek a medical professional advice before embarking on one. I read about the benefits of autophagy and decided to tried water fasting for 15 days.


Best regards

Kin


Dear Megna,

Just in case I vanish, I want to wish you a safe delivery and a beautiful bouncing baby.

You are in my thoughts.

Be assured of my prayers.

Great excitement ahead for your family.

Gambling has no place in your blessed life.

Take care.


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!


Wonderful news on the birth of your precious baby girl, Megna.

I have been praying for your safe delivery . Thank God it was "Easy" (if that description can ever be applied to labour)

Lovely to have two babies to grow up together.

I have been blessed with two grandchildren in the last 3 months. A boy and a girl. They are all here for the weekend.

Both very different in looks and character, but equally beautiful and treasured by parents and grand parents.

The cycle of life never ceases to amaze me. Awesome to see your children's children.

Enjoy every moment and get as much rest as possible.

Certainly, you will have no time for gambling now.

Life is sweet!


Hi Meghna,


Thank you for your valuable feedback on my thread. The thread contain stuff written by others that I kept there to remind myself to read and also my personal daily reflections. I need these to guide me in the right direction. I am glad you find them useful.


I wish you and family peace, serenity, joy, happiness, prosperity and good health.


With love


Kin


“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”


― Lao Tzu