Reboot my Recovery in Yr 2020

Life in recovery was not perfect for me. I have many addictions and relapses over the years. They used to be the same to me, but I slowly learn and realized over the years through my many trials and errors that my different addiction is not the same. There are some like alcohol and slot machine addiction that can lead me to return to other addictions like sport and casino gambling, overeating, overworking and sex. However, these addictions will not lead me to alcohol and slot machine use. I am not a paid psychologist, counsellor, 12 steps recovery program trainer or church worker. I am just another suffering addict trying to straighten out my life and get heal or recover. I share my personal story here. What works for me may not work for everyone. I shall let go and let the doctor and counsellors help all the others.

I have stop alcohol, slot machine which are my primary addiction and banned substances for more than a year. I hope to do the same for my secondary addiction such as sport betting and overeating now.


Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums


Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!


Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.


As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)


And on that note....


I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you :-)


Take care


The Gambling Therapy Team



PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!


restrain oneself from doing or enjoying something:

to not do something, especially something enjoyable that you think might be bad:

to choose not to do or have something :

to hold oneself back voluntarily:

to refrain deliberately and often with an effort of self-denial from an action or practice:

People usually abstain from things that are considered vices:


I guess abstinent for me this year involves words that comes out of my mouth.


saying irresponsible things can be fun, unfortunately it can hurt someone at the same time, it is so selfish and inconsiderate.


Imagine how harmful and destructive words can be when saying something to a person can plant the seed of resentment inside them, it can harm their recovery in the end, this is so cruel and wicked.


Sometime it is very tempting to share or say something in the group when I should not say a word, I was impulsive and show a lack of self-control.


saying something can prove that I know something and you do not, it can made me look superior and the other inferior.


It is not important to say anything anymore. It does not benefit or help the other person and me.


I better mind my own business and do someone a favor. Keep my mouth shut.


After all the bad things I have done in this life, what did I do to deserve all the good things. I am only an addict. It had to be the mercy and grace of God.


My self-righteousness has got me into all sort of troubles. My self-belief in gambling are not realistic. I believe that I can beat the house sometime and I have done it many times; this was the truth, unfortunately it was also a trap I fall into everytime.


The fact that I can beat the house sometime will give me false hope and encourage me to continue trying. I will lose everything that I have got in the end this way.


The house changes all the time to adapt to gamblers, it has a system design to beat gamblers by psychologists and mathematicians. It can change very suddenly and quickly, I get hit by a different new rock bottom this way every single time in a very short time when I get trap and could not get out in time. I cannot beat them in the end.  


Listening to my voice and my way only get me into more financial hardships.


There is hope in a new way of life and this way is not my way. I must not take my second chance in life for granted.It could be my last chance.


My Thoughts: If a person ever have many successes in making money, building a company, managing an organisation and managing people using his or her own way. It is not easy to trust others fully overnight. That person must have great wisdom and be very humble to be able to do that.


My Feelings: It is very tempting and easy to trust myself more than others. My way is familiar and predictable, any other new way is an unknown, a fear, no guarantee for me.


It takes so much faith believing in something we cannot see. It takes so much courage and belief to keep the faith all the way to the end.


Do I trust myself more than anyone and anything.


Can I give up my way if I do not have the obedient and keep returning to old ways from time to time.


I need to trust God and a new way of life for recovery people.


Hello kin


i read your tread on this forum. Understanding your thoughts and where you are and were you ought is determine by what you are saying to yourself.


Careful examination of your thoughts is the key in being completely aware of what hinders your true sense of self worth. What you are allowing to enter into your mind and what are the words your mind is soaking up each moment you are alive. Observe at what you are saying to yourself rewire rethink renew your mind. Positive words goes along way. I have used a method to keep my thoughts on things that are positive. My mind is soaking up words of positivity and words of affirmations. Reading the book of Proverbs helps. Seek guidance on your path of recovery friend you are going to overcome this. Keep focus on words that are positive and uplifting. Blessings upon your life.


I was evil in the past. I have harm and hurt many, some very deeply but very few people realize that if you take away the addiction, I can become a different man.


What was it like in the past?


My mum ask me why everyone die and I was not one of them.


My lover curse me to die


My sibling does not want to talk to me or have anything to do with me for many years.


What was it like now?


By the mercy and grace of God, the bible and the 12 steps recovery program was my compass and has given me a direction in life.


I was learning, and making mistakes at the same time, and making amend to people as and when possible.


My ex lover is someone wife now but my relationship with my immediate family is restored. There is hope.


My slogan: one baby step at a time 


I was dumbfounded, frighten and shock by the sharing in meeting tonight.


I realize that God and the bible, Gambling Therapy, Gambler Anonymous and The 12 steps recovery program, people and meetings did not need me at all.


But I need God and the bible, Gambling Therapy, Gambler Anonymous and The 12 steps recovery program,  people and meetings.


Very Quick


Gambling can destroy and break up family and wipeout saving very fast


Very destructive and powerful


It can take away all your money and friends, destroy your career and put you behind bar in the end.


It is God's timing, I will now attend and follow GA program and learn how to stop.


Pain and Hope


In meeting I want to hear the pain that gambling brought to a person and the hope that stopping gambling brings to a person.


I must share and focus on my recovery and not tell others what to do.


“Making a big life change is pretty scary. But know what’s even scarier? Regret.” ~Zig Ziglar


I was drinking or gambling to numb the pain, but after a few drinks or gambles my emotional pain and gambling loss would explode into more anger and despair.


Drinking or Gambling was a quick fix with a long and heavy price.


Accept the pain, not numb it with drinking, gambling or sex and live with it.


What am I going to do differently this time?


Connection


I am going to trust God all the way


I am going to follow GA program all the way


I am going to follow the people in NA,GA,AA all the way


My weakness


It was the temptation to listen and follow me and my old ways


I trust myself more than anyone and any program


It is easier to help a normal person. I will never go into the biz of helping a fellow addict.It was too demanding, and require special expertise experience, knowledge and training


plus these people are too unpredictable; they can get very violent and angry.


It is not their fault. Some are suffering from addiction while some are suffering from both addiction and a mental illness.


I am not train in these area, and I am not ready for these people. The experience with these people can be quite traumatic for me.


Why do I keep re-offending? Addiction is a chronic and relapsing disease.


In the first year of recovery, the chances of relapsing can go up to as high as 70 per cent to 80 per cent.


The longer an addict stretches out the period of abstinence, the lower the risk.


What is their problem?


What is looking down on people? It is judging somebody. And judging harshly. 


They look down on you because they know they are better than you or 


They think that you are inferior to them in many ways.


Why do they look down on people?


Because of their insecurity. Putting down people somehow gives people a false sense of superiority. It helps them feel good about themselves and re-establish their self esteem


When they point out the flaws and wrongdoing of others they take the attention off of their own flaws and wrongdoing.


A lot of "bullies" have had little control in their life.


Since they have no control and are belittled. The only time they feel worthy is when they make others feel worse.


They want to bring people down to make themselves higher. It's also about a sense of control.


Calling someone by a nasty, unkind name and judging someone hashly feels as if they have more power than the person they are insulting. 


This really does nothing for us, it only made the other person feel bad about themselves.


How do they make me feel?


They make me feel embarass, shame, pain, guilty, rejected, abnormal, ignored, and a failure.


In the past, I will get hurt but today I knew that my happiness does not rest on the things they say or feel about me. Many times, these are lies or judgmental criticisms. These people simply wanted to take full control of the situation because they have very strong feeling of insecurity and this is their instinct.


What should I do?


Confident and happy people don't give a crap what other people think, whether other people are more successful than them, or what people do with their lives, because they are too busy being happy with their own lives to waste their time caring/thinking about the "faults" or "defects" of others.


Focus on the things that I can do and not on the things I cannot change or do. I can choose to be with people who can help me and stay away from people harmful to me.


I am powerless


1. Many need a listening ear but some want more; they like to tell others what to do and do not like to be told what to do.


It feel like a hostage when near these people, they are aggressive and frightening, they bring terror and strike fear in the heart of others. They threaten others into submitting and giving in to their demands. It is a very typical terrorist, gangster behavior. Groups can also behave like this. You are either with us or not with us.


They feel that they are right and others are wrong, they are not ready to listen but they will try hard to convince others to be like them.


I have learn to manage these situations by setting up and building my support network so that I will not be overly dependent on any one group or any one person for my recovery. I have a right to protect my recovery and sanity by keeping a distance from these group and people. 


2. Some like to take advantage of other. These people have unrealistic expectation. They are very self-centered and selfish. They do not want to take responsibility and accountability of their problem, they let their problem become everybody problem.


I must let go and let the Higher Power, let the Higher Power do their work. I must not not interupt with their work of helping others. It is their duty and they are paid to handle these situation.


My recovery comes first. I have a right to say no to them.


3. They will try to convince me to give service just like them.


I am not them, I was reluctant to give something that I do not have. I am already offering my service to others in many other ways for many years. I do not wish to be like them.


4. I share the same problem as many newcomers and many are smarter, more highly educated, more successful in their career, more wealthy than me, their problem is also many times bigger than me.


The speed that brought them down was so quick that it shock me beyond my imagination about this reality.  


5. I need to work the recovery program harder. This may be my last chance. I do not know how many good years I have left. In my remaining years, it is important for me to learn and follow God, give offering to my family first, pleasing others and myself can come last 


6. I must remember all the times; Let go and Let God.


I am not God, not a doctor , not a psychiatrist, not a psychologist, not a counsellor, not a rich man. I must not act, advice and give like someone I was not.


I only need to learn to give and love others the way God give and love me unconditionally.


There shall be nothing to fear now. I do not need to be a people pleaser or a doormat.


Thank you God for the mercy. I must learn how to be merciful and mind my own business.


Under the disguise of recovery, and “helping,”


A clean, but non-Sober person can indulge in self-righteousness. They can exercise control over the lives of others, for self-gratification.


Many new, weak and vulnerable recovering people are hurt by evil intent, many has relapse in the process, many are discouraged and has stop coming back for lunchtime meeting by condemnation and insensitive words.


Recovery person were encourage to share in lunchtime meeting, some share dark secrets, some share painful experience...


An irresponsible staff of the recovery center abuse their trust and use what was shared against them at the meeting, this person will judge, criticise, condemn and destroy his victim with his words. It was childish insensitive and cheap. 


My mentor was strict with me, he does not like me to use words to convenient my wrongdoing. For example: he does not like me to continue doing wrong just because no man is perfect. He want me to repent and turn over my ways.


I have received some professional training at work and can tell that this evil intent is misrepresenting and misleading his listeners to convenient his cause.


A professional trainer will focus on teaching the message in the book. The message in the book will not change and was the same yesterday today and tomorrow but people change, they like to add their own words to the message and change the message completely.


Everyone is expected to switch off and not use their handphone in the meeting. This person behavior shows that he think he is above the law, he tells other not to use their handphone in the meeting but has no shame to use the handphone while the meeting is going on. 


These people dismiss your dificulties or issues as unimportant or an over reaction


These people made new recovery person walk on egg shells in an effort not to upset them.


They ignore logic and prefer amateur theatric in order to remain the centre of attention


They attempt to destroy any outside support you receive by belittling the people/service/practice in an attempt to retain exclusive control over your emotions


They never take responsibility for hurting others


They perceive themselves as heroes and expect preferential treatment. 


I am wary of his verbal abuse and choose not to  believe his lies and save myself from him.


My thoughts:


I can walk away and let God take care of everything, the vengence is not mine.



Many things I do did not made sense to me for many years, no one normal would self sabotage so many times or engage in self destructive behaviors like me. I thought that I was not normal  compare to others aound me until I met other addicts who was like me, I start to feel nornal like them.


I am an addict everyday. I trust and listen to myself. My self-justification, irrational thought and insanity will lead me to repeat the same old thinking and ways again and again.


Everyday I need to made a decision to choose recovery.


As long as I remain an addict, I will want to do something which I do not need.


I. I want to gamble but I do not need it


2.I want sex but I do not need it.


3. I want to drink alcohol but I do not need it


4. I want to eat but I do not need it


Someone told me that age will take care of sex and it is true. This is where I have catch my sick mind at work, my mind desire and want sex when my physical body cannot deliver. This is an evidence and poof that what my mind tell me is not reliable anymore.


The same apply to food, I had proper meal but my sick mind want somemore food even when I am not hungry a few hour later.


Tell tale sign that I should not listen to my mind.


Gambling, sex, alcohol and food are my entertainments. They are a very costly pass time and the price is very expensive. Not something that I should be doing.



Would I love you unconditionally? Would I do anything for you unconditionally? Would I give up anything for you unconditionally? The answer is Yes 


When I wake up tomorrow, it will be the beginning of my 3rd day of fasting from something I love which is sugar and rice.


I did the same thing last year, it has done me wonders and I want to carry on this practice again this year.


Me


I have failed to abstain from anything I love whenever I listen to my head.


My power fail me in the end.


I like to do the things that I want and not what I need.


I would listen to my irrational thought and justify my reason to act out. I would follow my way and end up where I do not want to be.


Now


During my fast, whenever I recognize the familiar old feeling of an urge, I just drank water and it solve the problem, I was thirsty and not hungry. I need water, not food.


When I feel any temptation before I sleep and after I wake up, I just recite The Lord’s prayer.


YOU


I did not know what actually happen to me, but after I have fasted in the last 2 days, I have experience and can tell the big difference every day. I was thinking of YOU my God more often. I am no more struggling, fasting help me to think of YOU.


Miracle


I did not have the usual craving thought for gambling and alcohol in the last 2 days. Where did all those temptations disappear to?


The wisdom here is not relying on my own strength to abstain from something I love.


The focus is on the power of God and praying for God’s strength to help me stay away from my temptations. Trusting God more and me less. Fasting is helping me to get closer to God.


I weight 86 kg before I start the fast.


Update 83 kg now


my fourth day of abstinent was the hardest. I tried to sleep but cannot sleep until the last 2 hours before day break and all this while... I was struggling with urge to give it all up.


I made a decision to stop fasting on the tenth day, because of the corona virus.


Quality of life in recovery has improve for me and I was making amend to people over time. I was also contributing and helping people in recovery back home.


I thought it was the right time to clear some things from the past now. I was clearing my old stuff and found things that reminded me of my tragic past.


Suddenly I realize, nothing I do can help. How can I recover from all this?


This is a scary thought. Nothing I do can erase all the wrong that I did in this life. When I am facing the judge, it is useless to tell the judge that I has been doing good thing and helping people, it is not going to help or erase all the wrong that I have committed.


There are so many moments in my life when I was not in the right frame of mind, the year of 2002 was one of them, it probably explain how everything lead me to seek help for the first time in year 2005.


Why didn't I attend to all those important thing?


I felt sad looking at all the bad things that I have done. I will forever have to live with this guilt that I have committed many unforgivable and punishable sin. 


 And yet I have to finish this race, it is not going to be beautiful but I hope it will have a good ending.  


I do not control how much time that I have left. I just have to trust my Higher Power and handover everything to the Higher Power. I just have to trust my Higher Power's timing.


I am watching things getting done now. It was not my plan and timing. It did not happen according to my plan and way.


These are impossible task for me but I read about my Higher Power promises and His promise to deliver. They are coming true for me, amen.


All glory goes to God!


I tried to help my 90 years old mum feel better by spending time chatting with her. I ended up becoming her punching bag, she throw out all her frustration and resentments on me. She will be like that when she is trigger by my cousin or the new maid, suddenly she is very unhappy with everyone. I was the convenient target available to her.


It is not that they are lying or making things up. They are sick and unwell in the mind, they see thing and feel thing very different from us. I realize that it can be very tough to be a caregiver to an elderly who has lost their mind. It was very stressful, they can say very hurting things and it can be very painful. In short it can drive you nuts, it takes a lot of tolerant, patient and love to take care of them unconditionally. Something I feel very lacking.


They can complaint about someone or something this minute and you remind them later about what they have say and they cannot remember saying them at all. 


I kept myself sober end of the day by taking some time out to go watch a movie at the cinema, collect my feeling before I return home to the same thing.


I did not know why I did not take alcohol or gamble, I really wanted to numb my feeling with alcohol but it did not happen.


How did this happen? It just happen one day!


God's timing is perfect. I will be making financial amends to my siblings early next month, I can invite them to dinner and update them on the latest health of my mum so that we can pay more attention to the things that she say and help her with more tolerant and  love, care and kindness. Something I am very guilty of not doing enough.


Met some people from AA. These people told me it was the same, I know it was not the same, our rock bottom is not the same.


We can be from the same industry, I have lost my career, they have not. I was broke, they are not. I tried to take my life, they have not.


These people are very successful in their career and business today. I am not like them, I have no career, I have no money. I need to fight for survivor every single day.


I cannot afford to be complacent. I need to be very vigilant to protect my emotional sobriety.


I need to keep a safe distance from these people, I cannot do what these people are doing.


I need to continue my slow and careful baby step forward. I have gone very far this way; I do not need to follow them.



I have watch one by one putting in solid effort and do what was told by the false teacher in recent years and every single one have relapse.


The person who play God to these people was quick to condemn, judge, criticize, shame and embarrass them when they relapse. This false teacher is very quick to shake off any responsibility and involvement in the recovery of the person he advise. My reply to him was which addict does not relapse, I have relapse and has keep coming back for many years.


His followers in recovery stop coming back to attend meeting after they relapse. They see the true color of this person and lost hope.


My true teacher will look for the lost sheep, he will not abandon his sheeps.


I shall mind my own business and focus on my recovery. I shall leave everything to God. The vengeance is not mine.


Hi Kin,

The very fact that you reflect over how you feel around your mum shows that you are a good son.

We can all just do our best every day - and some days that best is different from other days.


Keep focused on your own life and keep strong !


Hi I did it


Thank you for the support and encouragements. If I am still in active gambling, it would be almost impossible for me to provide the family with my time, money, care and love.


My mum is more than 90 years old now, she is losing her memory and is saying hurting things very regularly nowadays.


I still struggle to accept what she throws at me everyday and stay sober. How I wish that I have endless tolerance. 


I still need to fight for my survivor everyday as I carry on living.


I have nothing to fall back on for the rainy days. My addiction only complicate matter and make me vulnerable in difficult life situation.


I have travel far taking one baby step at a time for more than ten years...my quality of life has improved and is nothing for me to complaint.


Recovery in addiction has taught me about the reality of life and force me to be humble. Recovery has not made me a better person than another person in recovery.I am still vulnerable and no different from any newcomer.


I never expect to say this one day, I must learn how to be tolerant of others.


Tolerance is a willingness to accept others and their beliefs, even if I do not agree with them.


I need to listen carefully without jumping to conclusions and try to understand the other person 's point of view.


“Tolerance isn't about not having beliefs. It's about how your beliefs lead you to treat people who disagree with you.” ― Timothy Keller


I can agree to disagree.


Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult.


1 Peter 3:10


For the Scriptures say, “If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies.


1 Peter 3:11


let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it.


Man are not the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.


Man is fallible. I was not the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. My thought, feeling and emotion can be different every day and they could affect my decision and action.


Every day I need to make a decision. It was a daily affair. Every day I had  to make a choice to choose recovery or self-destructive behavior.


Recovery is an action plan.  I need to follow up this decision with action and commitment to deny my desire to act out my self-destructive thought, feeling and emotions.


I replace the people, place and things associated with my self-destructive  behavior with people. place and things associated with recovery and a new way of living life.


I drop in at the recovery drop-in center whenever I am free, I attend various support group meetings, I attend 12 steps recovery and smart recovery workshop and classes whenever I had the opportunity. I try to visit the church to attend service, alternatively I seek these service online,  I also watch youtube videos on recovery online and I visit this recovery website online to keep and update my recovery journal. I also meet up with other recovery people and chat over coffee or  tea. These actions act as a constant reminder and my commitment to my recovery. As a result, my journey was the same on most of the days.


My journey was not the same every day, I am still prone to making mistakes and weakness. I am human, my mind can slip, forget or get distracted by people, places and things. My recovery was not perfect, I have my fair share of slips and relapses.


My journey does not end with a slip or relapse. Slip and relapse was a part of my learning and growing process, they are a sign that I was not doing something right or correctly, they are a sign that I need to change. I intend to soldier on until the last day of my life.


I was so glad and relieve with learning how to seek progress and not perfection in my life. It has teaches me how to be happy, joyful, peaceful and grateful.


My recovery slogan was one baby step at a time. Little by little, slowly but surely, the quality of my life improves over the year.


It can never get worst as a result of addiction if one chooses this path of recovery.


Best regards and best wishes from the bottom of my heart to the person still suffering and struggling reading my thoughts here.


All glory goes to God.


With Love


Kin



'My journey does not end with a slip or relapse. Slip and relapse was a part of my learning and growing process, they are a sign that I was not doing something right or correctly, they are a sign that I need to change. I intend to soldier on until the last day of my life.'



These words and in fact your posts calm me and give me a sense of hope



thank you 



meg


August 2005 was my beginning and introduction to recovery. Two of my biggest wish in recovery was to restore my relationship with people and to made financial amend to people.


Fast forward in March 2020, my relationship with the family was restored and I have completed making financial amend to more than half of the people on my list.


It was a dream for me, I thought they would never happen, but they did.


In the past, I was always feeding my selfish, self-centered and self-seeking ways. Today people are asking me to be more selfish. They also tell me not to work so hard now. These are signs that people around me are changing how they look at me.



This is a beautiful post kin 



thank you for that perspective 


I felt that this was an opportunity that I cannot miss and most probably my last chance. I have received a cash proceed of 96,000sgd from the sales of my humble property last Tuesday and have used 105,000sgd to made financial amend to 15 person.


These people have not seen me for more than 16 years and I have lived with the guilt, shame and regrets ever since.There was a lot of self-beating, mental torment and self punishment because I cannot forgive myself. I cannot accept what I did to other people.


Now that  this is a thing of the past for me, some very heavy baggage on me was finally lifted off my shoulder.


This journey was a process of redemption and making amendment to people for me.



When an alcoholic, over eater or a compulsive gambler relapse, they can try to do recovery again the next day. It Is not the same for the drug addict, if they are caught, they lose their freedom, and get lock up behind bars.


The take-away for me here is this...I would do anything to stay away from drugs. As long as I am alive and free, I have a life-time to slowly work my recovery.


Now... I would do anything to stay away from drinking, this was a very ugly form  of recovery, I would really do anything to replace the drinking and gambling. It was an imperfect way to stay clean for me but it works for me.


I learnt this from the recovering drug addicts.



After resolving something that I have been hiding and haunting me for more than 15 years, I notice that I had a new problem adapting to a life free from guilt, shame and regrets. They have always been there since the beginning of my recovery.


Take away these load and I lose my focus on my recovery and job. I need to do a reality check of my current status and identify my existing debt and commitments.


I still need a job to keep servicing the remaining loan and commitment in the future.


I do not want to fall into the trap where I feel that “everything is ok, and I am ok” and I allow myself to get into troubles again.


I need to refocus on how I want to finish this race.


I really do not know how I survive the last 6 months but I did. There was just too many things going on at the same time.


Even as I completed the task over time, I can see what was happening to me. I was anxious and fearful because of my remaiing debt and commitment, I was afraid that I would relapse and self-destruct, I was stress by mum, work, selling my old flat, and buying a new flat.


I just realize that my old laptop was not working recently and my daily activity or pattern was badly affected. I was actually suffering from the withdrawal of surfing the internet that I do everyday.


I could have fill up this void with all form of self destructive behavior but somehow I struggle and survive.It is not worth it, I did not want to be too calculative with myself for once for fear of ruining everything in my life now and bought a new laptop, radio and alarm clock to cope with my daily activities and let everything return to normal.


God has been very merciful to me and I have survived by God’s Grace till date.


The vengeance is not mine. I will leave the false teacher and liars in the hand of God.


I was concern today that I have no one to check my thoughts ; I prayed to God to lead me and I offered 500 sgd to someone who needed help and bought them grocery at the same time.


There was a time when my mum was suffering from cancer and fracture leg, I was so poor I had no money to take the public transport to see her. I knew how painful this feel.


God is good and I was given the opportunity to pass 100sgd to someone in the meeting who shared that she will be chase out of their house and 100sgd to a man who felt very guilty and lousy for not being able to purchase milk powder for his new born baby.


My close friend is telling me to be selfish and keep the money for myself in the future because I will need them but If I was told to let God lead me, this is what happen. God love me first. It was important for me to show love and give others hope in life and humanity.


All Glory goes to God.


My journey was not beautiful but I will finish them one day.


54 this year and not knowing how many good years left.


Almost 15 years living this life knowing I have an addiction. During these times, been to some place and met some people who was never there for me in my most difficult time. They are not there before and I do not need these people in my life now. 


But there are some exceptional, compassionate and kind people who have stood by me all these times. These special people are rare and hold a special place in my heart. They are enough for me.


I need to re-evaluate my current situations in recovery, I must stay very down to earth and grounded. There is no need to fix something that was working for me. I only need to repeat the same thing one day at a time, and take one baby step at a time.


Nothing about me has change except the  progress and distance that I have travelled.


My debt is not troubling me as much as it used to anymore, the debt now is not a result of binge gambling but more like the living expenses any normal man or lady  would have and it is more acceptable and less punishing to myself.


I calculated that I would need to set aside 1000 sgd a month for the next 30 months to complete the next phrase of my repayment plan.


God is good. 


My dream has come true in recovery, otherwise nothing else changes for me, I still have many addiction and challenges everyday. I still have to face all kind of problem in life.


I was still the same imperfect person and I will continue to improve myself. I am still prone to making mistakes but it is happening lesser now. 


Everything happen in God's timing and God's will.


Psalm 37:21 The wicked borrow and do not pay back. but the righteous gives generously.


Addicts are some of the most selfish and wicked people. I know because I am one of them.


If I am always thinking about me, I will not be able to give empathy to others.


If I am always thinking about losing something I have, I will not be able to give.


Returning to face everything and be accountable brought me a lot of emotions.


I feel very sad looking at all the unfinished businesses that I was suppose to complete 20 years ago. How can I be so irresponsible.


First it was the financial amendment, now it is the unfinished businesses.


I was not ready for them in the past. I really fxxk everything and run.


I am ready now.


You cannot undo all the damage in one foul swoop, Kin. Don't be too hard on yourself. Did you sell a property at a big profit or do you owe everything you gained?

It took most of us a long time to create the mess we are in, then many (I for one) continued to pile on greater hardship.

We need to take things slowly and not be fearful.

"Perfect Love cast out all Fear"


Today I did not focus on what I could not do and did not do and I had lesser frustration, fear and hopelessness.


Instead I was looking at the endless hope and the opportunities that arrive. I saw what I dare not dream of doing came true.


It was God 's timing , not mine.


It arrive 14 years later in recovery.


Those unfinished business was not the most important thing in my priority list, I am hopeful that I will finished them one day. In the meanwhile, they shall go back into the shelf.


Vera, those 55,000 pounds was the profit from the sales proceed of my flat. It has given me an opportunity to return the money to many people.


I disappear from these people only to show up 15 years later to return them the money. Every single one of them was pleasantly surprise.


Many pray for me in the end. God is good.


Selfish, Irresponsible, Wicked, Evil, Impatient and Intolerant.


I need to take a closer look at who I really was.


It is a reminder to myself of the type of people I am meeting now.



Gratitude: Still holding a job after 17 months in the current company. We are reduced to 6 persons in the department now.  The company did not renew the employment contract of 2 colleagues, reason given was cost cutting. I am prepared and ready to move on with life if this happen. I have a few similar experiences in the past.



Acceptance: This is a period of uncertainty; anything can happen. This pandemic is affecting everyone.



Fortunate: I was carrying many emotional and financial burden and I manage to release them before the chaos cause by this pandemic happen. It is scary thinking about the stress and pressure cause by the fear of losing my job and not having enough money to provide for the family, service my personal loans and bills, cover my living expenses on top of the debt that I carry.



Yesterday has past, tomorrow has not arrive, I can only focus on today.



I will do someone a favor and mind my own business.


I shall focus on my imperfect recovery, and not be affected by the people I meet in real life who think they are God and have all the answers.


These people I met in real life are not there in my life when I was struggling and suffering in recovery. They do not want to take any responsibilities for the thing they tell me when it does not work.


I will continue to meet these people when I visit the drop in center. My recovery does not stop because of these false teachers.


I have taken one baby step at a time and has progress far, and has grown stronger with each storm that I encounter in life.


I need to face the storm myself, no one can do it for me. I have gain experience and confident over time. It has taught me how to survive.


If we have attend meeting long enough, we would have meet people who have listen and follow everything that these false teacher tell them and still died...not due to natural causes.


I do not like to trust these people who are giving out advice on some issues that they have not personally experience in real life.


This is a reminder to myself not to fall into this temptation and trap to give direction, suggestion and advice in areas that I have not experience myself.. 


I just need to give my own recovery a good fight and leave everything else to God. It is not my will, my timing, my power.


I have met early recovering drug addict, compulsive gambler, alcoholic and over eater in denial recently, I found out that their behaviors are the same. They reminded me of myself in my worst behavior.


They are either lonely, and cannot find someone to hear them out or no one want to listen to them anymore. They only wanted attention and needed an audience for that.


It is burning me out trying to comfort and keep these people company. They only want to tell others what to do, and they do not listen.


They are still very stubborn and not willing to give up their old ways.


The drug addict, compulsive gambler, and alcoholic are the same, they keep repeating their frustrations and anger, they blame everyone except themselves over and over again like a spoilt tape recorder. I have experience it myself and saw others suffering the same fate. We had to repeat ourselves to them each time they complaint the same thing. After so many times, they still want to do it their way. They feel that they are right and other people is wrong. 


It is a total waste of our time, energy and money. I want to keep a safe distance from them to protect my sobriety.


It is very difficut to talk to a person who is " I am right and you are wrong."


I must have been very stubborn. 


I must stay focus on my current situation and recovery.


I should not be focusing on others when I should be focusing on my recovery and be looking at myself. Making others lose their credibility is not going to make me a better person.


I do not need to be one and do not like to be near one who is seeking attention and approval from others.


I must not fall into the temptation and trap of telling others what to do and not listen to others tell me what to do.


I do not need to be a people pleaser or door mat to the false teacher. I choose to seek the Truth.


I need to know my limitation, I do not have all the answers, time, energy and money to offer. I can get burn out, stress and pressure by unrealistic expectations.


Any vengence is not mine, I shall leave it in the hand of God.


No more experiment for me. What works for me is taking one baby step at a time.


I need to remember everything is in God's will, timing and power



Reading this helped me today.


Hi Monica, Megna, RG and Vera,

Thank you for the feedback, it is deeply appreciated.

Keep yourself safe and stay positive!


This is a wide spread problem. The corona virus expose everything.


To save life, to be loving and kind is more important than being right.


Country has to be lock down, businesses has to be closed, national reserve has to be taken out to be distributed to the citizen.


Not everyone is willing to practice " Principle Before Personalities", "Common Interest Before Self Interest". My mentor told me not everyone is willing to do this.


As a country, company, family and individual, we face the same challenges everyday, having a reliable working compass help us to make the right decision.


The evil ones will sacrifice others to reach their goal. I had put my success including my gambling ahead of my family and the most important people in my life.


I only realize that I was wrong after I lose everyone and found out they are more important than all the material thing that I was going after.



I did not understand the seriousness of corona virus COVID-19 until I saw this video clip and hope it can help you too.


Please wash your hands, please do not touch your eyes, nose and mouth, please wear a mask.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4J0d59dd-qM


I must thank all the dedicated people in the front line who put their life at risk to protect and save us.


I started clearing and throwing unwanted things in my room. It kept me busy and occupied during this stay home period.


I did not want to do too much in too little time so I work on little section of the room at a time. I found things that is not relevant today and more than 30 years old. It is time to let go.


I was told that a recovery friend pass away at age 60 today. The last one was age 55. I am 54 this year and has never been in the best of health, so I do not made long term plan or have unrealistic expectation. I am only focusing on what I would be doing in the very near future now if I know that my time is limited.


I do look forward to December 2021 when I turn 55, I believe that I may be able to complete another obligation. Life is so full of uncertainty, nothing is guarantee anymore.


COVID-19 is killing so many people in such a short time all over the world now.


"He sat down opposite the treasury and observed how the crowd put money into the treasury. Many rich people put in large sums. A poor widow also came and put in two small coins worth a few cents. Calling his disciples to himself, he said to them, 'Amen, I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all the other contributors to the treasury. For they have all contributed from their surplus wealth, but she, from her poverty, has contributed all she had, her whole livelihood.'


The parable of the poor widow 's offering is one of my many favorites from the bible. It has help to give me a direction in making decision. Today was one of those day, I can give up everything I have to provide for everyone at home including the maid or I can provide for myself only. I learn to give my all and not out of surplus.


I was selfish and irresponsible but is unselfish and responsible today. Amen.


Thank you so much for your post on my thread. I have been meaning to post on your thread for a day or so now. When I read that you had reimbursed people from the sale of your flat, I was immensely proud of you for doing that. That is a long way down the 12 step journey. I do read your posts every day and sometimes they really help with situations and serve as a great reminder in what is important.

Sorry to hear about your recovery friend. Important to appreciate each day we are alive and make it *****.


God in His wisdom selected this group of men and women to be purveyors of His goodness. ( a purveyor is a person or group who spreads or promotes an idea, view, etc.)


In selecting them through whom to bring about this phenomenon.


He went not to the proud, the mighty, the famous or the brilliant. 


He went instead to the humble, to the sick, to the unfortunate. 


He went right to the so-called weakling of the world. 


Well might He have said the following words to us:


"Unto your weak and feeble hand I have entrusted a power beyond estimate. To you has been given that which has been denied the most learned of your fellows.  Not to scientists or statesmen, not to wives or mothers, not even to my priests or ministers have I given this gift of healing other alcoholics and compulsive gamblers which I entrust to you."


"It must be used unselfishly; it carries with it grave responsibility. 


No day can be too long;


No demands upon your time can be too urgent;


No case can be too pitiful; no task too hard;


No effort too great. 


It must be used with tolerance for I have restricted its application to no race, no creed, and no denomination. 


Personal criticism you must expect;


Lack of appreciation will be common;


Ridicule will be your lot;


Your motives will be misjudged. 


You must be prepared for adversity, for what men call adversity is the ladder you must use to ascend the rungs toward spiritual perfection, and remember, in the exercise of this power I shall not exact from you beyond your capabilities."


"You are not selected because of exceptional talents, and be careful always, if success attends your efforts not to ascribe to personal superiority that to which you can lay claim only by virtue of my gift. 


If I had wanted learned men to accomplish this mission, this power would have been entrusted to the physician and scientist.  If I had wanted eloquent men, there would have been many anxious for the assignment, for talk is the easiest used of all talents with which I have endowed mankind.  If I had wanted scholarly men, the world is filled with better qualified men than you who would be available. 


You were selected because you have been the outcasts of the world and your long experience as drunkard or compulsive gambler has made or should make you humbly alert to the cries of distress that come from the lonely hearts of alcoholics and compulsive gamblers everywhere."


"Keep ever in mind the admission you made on the day of your profession in AA and GA-- namely that you are powerless and that it was only with your willingness to turn your life and will unto my keeping that relief came to you."



-- Anonymous


Thank you for your kind words, all the glory belongs to God.


You are right, what we are doing here is step 10, we are taking our daily personal inventory when we admit our mistake in this journal.


Step 10 “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”


Step 10 keeps your house clean and is not about being perfect. Everyone makes mistake, but owning up to them settles conflict before it can fester and become blown out of proportion.


Mathew 5:23-24 is one of my favorite teaching in the bible working my recovery. It explains why I do not prioritize making offering and service to others over making amendments to the people that I have wrong.It just doesnt sound right to me if I am serving others and not taking good care of my family.


Understanding this has help me to restore my relationship with the family.


Mathew 5:23-24


"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift."


Without a working compass giving me the direction, I would be heading the wrong way. I would like to take this opportunity to make a confession, I do not look at the compass all the times, I can still sin and made mistakes from time to time. I am human and not perfect but those times that I use the compass, the outcome was wonderful.


I survive by the mercy and grace of God, amen.


I have harm and has been hurt this way. I do not wish to hurt another or be hurt by others anymore.


No one is perfect. I just need to be mindful and watch out for these ways to protect myself from self harm, harming others or getting harm by others.


Lying by omission, also known as misrepresentation, occurs when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. 


Lying by omission includes deceiving others by omitting the truth


Lying by omission includes peddling half-truth / lies as if they were the truth distorting the truth.


Lying by omission includes the failure to correct pre-existing misconceptions.


Deceit is the act or practice of deceiving; concealment or distortion of the truth for the purpose of misleading; duplicity; fraud; cheating.


Deception is the act of causing someone to accept as true what is false or valid what is invalid: the act of deceiving


Deception is a process of denying or rationalizing away the truth and evidence


Deception involves convincing and ignoring the truth.


Deception is the act of hiding the truth.


The most common one is hearing our addiction telling us what acting out in self-destructive behavior can do for us and not what it can do to us.


For example: Food is for fuel but I do it for comfort and pleasure, I eat whenever I want especially when I experience urge and craving to satisfy my flesh and desire.


I do not need to drink alcohol, I want to feel good, I drink alcohol.


I do not need to gamble. I want entertainment or excitement, something to pass time, something to kill my boredom, I gamble.


I get into all sort of trouble as a result of listening to my mind.


 


As I cleared all the old documents found in my room. I was reminded of all the things that I had to face in the past. There were so many setback incidents.


I imagine if I have to face everything all over again today, I ask myself will I be able to cope? My answer is no.


Today I still cannot cope with many stressful things happening to me all at the same time. I look at myself and ask...I wonder how I survive in the last 15 years....I have many unfinish business and could not handle the stress.


I was actually force into accepting the reality about my imperfection and incompetent, I am very fearful of sinking into depression and anxiety so I only do one thing at a time. It was a tough journey and I took one baby step at a time. I can seek progress... after taking one baby step at a time for so many years, the baby steps all add up and can bring me very far as long as I do not stand still. 


I look at all the damage and destruction cause by me in this lifetime, there is absolutely no way for me to correct everything. It was just simply immposible...I regret my past and was feeling remorseful over all my wrongdoing..


With that, I know my best will still not be good enough but I cannot stop trying.....I must continue to soldier on, I will try to repair whatever I can.... one at a time until my last breathe.


I pray for God 's mercy and grace. Please forgive my sins.


My financial crisis started in 1998. I was chase by the income tax department, the banks and a company. My relationship with my family and love ones was also turning from bad to worst. Everything was broken. I was sinking deeper and drowning. I felt hopeless. It was very painful, and I numb my feeling with substance abuse.


When I suspect something was very wrong with me and my health, I saw a specialist in private practice on 19 Feb 1998 and I was diagnose to be suffering from depression. I could not even afford their treatment, it was too expensive for me and I had to turn to a public hospital,and I was diagnosed to be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.  I believe it was in 1999 that I tried to end everything but I survive and live to tell my story today.


Recovery was not overnight, I have encountered many crisis as a result of my old ways in the next 22 years. Over the years, it was all about learning to live a totally different lifestyle and giving up my old ways one by one. Much still need to be done,as I was alway discovering new things about myself and new old ways to give up.


My life was like an escalator going down, the moment I stop climbing, I will be going down. Recovery for me is a constant effort, I need to fight the demon everyday to survive. I am still work in progress.....


Hi Kin, I love the honesty in your posts.


Recovery is a constant effort Kin- we can never forget that we have an addiction no matter how long it has been sleeping.


I think you are like an escalator going up- always searching for areas to improve and working constantly on all parts of your life .


Many people on here have written about how your thread inspires them.


I hope you are feeling good about life and about yourself now Kin.


Hi I did it,


Thank you for the nice words. All credit should go to GT. I was so fortunate to come across GT in 2008 during hard times. GT provided this platform for me to conveniently check my thought, feeling and action plan. Journaling is very therapeutic. I do this for my own recovery.


Most people eat for fuel, but I love to eat for pleasure. I could not cure my food addiction, like any addiction, it is a progressive disease.


After a month only of staying home, I notice my weight increasing uncontrollably by 2 kg. I was eating more each time and more frequent each day during these times.


I cannot imagine the damage to health as the lockdown was extended by another month. I need to arrest my body weight increase and went on a 15 day fast.


I have completed my fast and lost 8 kg. I have return to normal eating for a day, I was watching what I eat and how much I eat, I did notice a smaller limit in my food consumption which was not there previously.


I did not change much, I guess it is only a matter of time my food addiction progress and become serious and I need to arrest it again.


My journey in recovery was not perfect, I am constantly fighting bush fire. I find one, I fight and arrest it. Everything is good  for a while until I find a new fire that I need to kill.


Not leaving this recovery community here keeps me mindful and it help in the long run.


Hi Kin,



Your self discipline is commendable and motivating, well done for losing that 8kg.



It is the month of Ramadan right now and my husband is fasting too. It’ll last a whole month. He eats and drinks nothing from around midnight to around 8.40 pm. The fast gets longer and longer as the month progresses.



He feels amazing. Like you, he is an eater. I would say he’s actually obsessed with food and so his fasting brings me great relief to know that he can step back from it all and take care of his body (and mind).



I am in my ninth month of pregnancy so can’t fast but I will fast in December this year, to make up for the month I missed. The days are shorter so it will make life easier for me as a mum of two.



When you fast Kin do you allow yourself to eat and drink? Are there particular foods you eat when you break your fast that help you with your weight loss? It’s so easy to gorge on the wrong kinds of foods when you’ve been fasting all day. My husband kind of mixes his meal with healthy and some not so healthy  (fried things) I guess that's his whole days hunger influencing that choice. I do wish he eliminates the fried stuff soon, as it undoes some of the hard work he’s put in.



Your reflection on your life and health is really a wonderful way to improve things. 



Please keep posting and telling us about your journey 



Much respect 



Overeating due to boredom can be very damaging to health,Kin.

According to Bill Gates we will be locked up until the whole world is vaccinated so maybe you could buy an exercise bike!!


I had a problem immediately after my fast : I struggle with how much...should I eat? I did not feel I had enough, I did not feel full, I want more. I also struggle with what.... should I eat? I have little control over home cook meal as it was prepared for everyone under the same roof. I find it so hard to resist the temptation of eating some of the food spread on the table, so I eat everything.


My problem before the fast was eating too much each time, eating too frequent times each day, I would be eating in-between breakfast, lunch and dinner.


I thought about it hard and fthought it was easier to control - How far apart...should I eat?


During the lockdown period, I am very comfortable eating 12 hours apart, this way I was not hungry and not stress.


Any stress from fasting, exercise, finance, relationship and work is not good for me at this age. I need to alway remember to take one baby step at a time, one thing at a time, one day at a time.


I have always try to comfort and give hope to other struggling person within my means. I have given them my time, energy, knowledge, experience and money, but it requires much more than that such as patience, empathy, tolerant, unconditional love to be their listener.  These people can be sick and very unwell in the head, they expect me to listen to their lies and believe them. It can be a very painful and nightmarish experience for me after a while,


They can be very manipulative, sensitive and controlling people. They have very unrealistic expectations and can be very quick to judge, criticise, accuse, condemn and label a person and this can be very traumatic and painful for me if I do not know how to detach myself from them and exercise self-love.


I will never take up any job of this nature. I have a choice to throw them the life saver from the shore, and not to jump into the water with them.  


The sacrifice and pain is too much for me. I need to keep a safe distance these people and stay focus in my recovery and love ones.


Writing about these thoughts and feeling give me a deeper sense of appreciation for those people who have help me in my darkest days. I must have been a very difficult person too.


This pandemic shows our powerlessness over a virus we have little or no control. Many people are complaining about how it affect our life and death, our job and livelihood, our ability to feed our dependents.


I have also communicated with fellow recovery friends who have complain to me about their loneliness, stress and temptation to act out in self-destructive behaviors. Reflecting on these thoughts show that we are not powerless, acting out in self-destructive behavior is a choice.


This is a period of uncertainty for me. My concern and fear is growing, I am trying hard to stay calm and be still. Be patient and wait.


I cannot improve my situation but I can definitely make matter worst and 10 times more complicated if I was careless, and foolish, complacent and not vigilant.


It was 21st December 2013. I wrote here that everything was not OK. I was broke and had no money. 


1. I was facing a mountain of debts and my debtors are pressurizing me to pay up.


2. I break up with my female companion.


Things turn from bad to worst!


3. I received what look like a legal letter of demand from a finance company chasing me for payment that I did not borrow. I reported them to the police and found out the letter was fake. It was all a scam.


4. 11th December 2013, my mum was diagnosed to be suffering from 3rd stage cancer of the colon, she was schedule for an operation on the 27th December 2013.


5. 19th December 2013, I was informed by my employer that they are not renewing my employment contract. I am going to be unemployed in the following month.


Everything was going wrong, wave after wave of bad news hit me. My life was becoming harder and harder. I show human weakness, it was painful. That was a difficult period for me. 


Now is another period of uncertainty due to COVID-19. 


When I was a young man, I have an ambition to be successful, popular and likeable. Quitting was not in my vocabulary, and I was taught to take failure as an indication to change my direction, I would continue trying and perservere until I succeed.


Cut the story short after more than 30 years of trying. I did not make it and everything did not turn out the way I plan. I realized that my selfish, self-centered and self-seeking ways have a heavy price to pay. I lose everything and everyone.


I do not know how many good years that I have left. but if I cannot improve things in my remaining years, the last thing I would want to do is to complicate thing and made it 10 times worst.


I cannot change the big picture anymore, all I can do is take one small baby step at a time and change the small pictures. Hopefully they will add up and change the big picture in some way.


Hi Kin

Is the big picture so bad?

As a young woman my career was moving at a meteoric rate.

Then I had a baby and my career didn’t matter so much any more. My baby became my single most important reason for living.

Our dreams change, we make mistakes along the way, but we become better people.

Perhaps the big picture is self- reflection, self- improvement and self- acceptance?

Perhaps in our youth we didn’t quite know ourselves or understand what was important in life.

All those little changes are like throwing a pebble into the water. We never know where the ripples will end up.


Thank you for sharing - your posts always make me think !


In my recovery... I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.


I found this material online.


The Answer to Selfishness isn’t Selflessness But Love


Selflessness Is Not the Answer 


We might advocate for selflessness. On the surface, this seems right; instead of thinking so much about myself, I’ll try to think about myself less, but this approach still puts the self  in the spotlight on stage - it is still all about me, I, myself. We still focus on how frequently or deeply we think of ourselves. Not only is this unhealthy it’s also not what the Bible advocates.


The Answer is Love 


The greatest commandments, according to Jesus, offer a summary of the law as well as a foundation for all Christian ethics. 


And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 22:37–40) 



Fear is a natural response to physical and emotional danger.


Healthy fear is good, if people did not feel fear, they would not be able to protect themselves from danger and threats which have life-or-death or heavy consequences. It helps us to be careful when we cross a road and help us to stop our self-destructive behavior or gambling.


Unhealthy fear can be bad. Sometime fear is not real (false evidence appearing real). It is an illusion, a coping mechanism, a product of our imagination and thoughts about the future to ‘help’ us or to ‘convince’ us that whatever it is we are feeling is true. 


Fear can also be a symptom of some mental health conditions including panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, phobias, and post-traumatic stress disorder.


We live in a constant of underlying fears. All the “what ifs”…


Some examples of my fear:


a. fear of environment such as height


b. fear of situation such as loss of job / income; pain and suffering such as terminal illness and poverty; failure – not good enough for my companion; fear of getting hurt by animal and people



putting it down in writing help me to see a clearer picture.


do I fear corona virus or losing my job / source of income / inability to provide for my love one more?


I felt threaten by the effect of this pandemic and the fear of its heavy consequences. but right now, everything is not real and has not happen yet; it is just a thought.


I need to be calm and patient, be still, and wait for the truth to be reveal later. and It is not too late for me to decide what to do later.


It is important for me to not panic, and not over react . I need to face it like every other recovering and normal person.


I do not need to seek a quick fix, relief, escape or numb myself with further self-destructive behavior.


This is the truth. I am willing to go very far and do whatever it takes just to gamble. I would use money mean for other important things, borrowed money or travel for hours to get to a casino.


Yet I was guilty of not willing to do whatever it take to help me to stay stop in gambling. I was alway full of all sort of excuses not to see a professional, working any recovery programme, attend any support group meetings regularly, attend church, setting up barriers to help me stop my self-destructive behavior. I  trust myself more than anyone, anything.  I only listen to me, I, myself...It always get into trouble in the end.


Anyone can stop. It is easy to stop. When you hit the wall, you stop. When you run out of money, you stop. When you have no urge or craving, you stop. When you are busy doing other things and have no time, you stop. During lockdown in the pandemic when all the land casino is not available, you stop. 


The challenge is staying stop when you have access to money, time and place to gamble. How do you run away from yourself?  What happen when my thought tell me to gamble ?


The challenge is all about giving up all my old ways and staying stop.


Very easy to stop and stay stopped when we have no money, no casino, no internet.

Even gambling thoughts aren't a challenge then.

When we are presented with opportunities to gamble in the future. what then??


One day in a facilitated smart recovery meeting here, someone shared that he do not know how to say no. The facilitator invited the person to the front and ask him to dance. He say no to everyone amusement. The facilitator help him understand that he had a choice and he can do it just like that.


When the opportunities are there, it is very tempting and difficult to resist for many. Can we flee or walk away?


If I need to act out, can I do something else? something healthy or less destructive instead of choosing something which can potentially wipe out every single cent I have.


If I need to act out today, can I postpone it to another day? if the thought to act out is still there on that day, can I postpone it to another day until the thought go away and no more there.


Can I replace my old way with another higher way?


Did I want to be strong in beginning ? Did I want to be strong along the way in the middle ? Do I want to finish strong in the end?


It was a bumpy and rough ride for me in the beginning and middle but I hope to have a strong finish in my remaining years. I will crawl to the finish line if I have to. All the slip and relapse that I made in the past was a lesson learn and experience that is preparing me for the finish line.


I am still an addict and a grateful one.


I look at my options and decided to do it within my means, risk appetite and time horizon. I am going to convert my saving every month into silver.

I started with 100 oz and added another 40 oz and 80 oz later. I wish to save 1000 oz of silver one day. I do not know how long it will take me but I will take one step at a time.

This will give me lesser access to ready cash.


Hi Kin,



why silver and not gold? 


Never thought about that but I also have a lot of money tied up in gold wedding jewellery


These wedding gifts definitely stop me from losing the cash value to G 


The process of healing all these years for me was like peeling each layer of onion skin one at a time and discovering what was underneath. It has help me to make the necessary changes to cleanse myself and made amendment to others. When this is done and when I was ready, it is time to peel another layer, and do another layer of cleasing. This is a very slow process.


Recently, I came to a layer and found something new and different, I uncovered many missed opportunities to build myself. I have lost more than 25 years of my life in this area, my gambling has rob, steal and destroy everything.


It was a dream and a hope, it is something I need for my retirement but I could not do it earlier because I was either still gambling or have other obligation and priority like repaying others.


I did a reality check and I am old, broke and has small earning now. I only have a handful years remaining  to do whatever I can with whatever little I have.


It is still a dream and gave me hope. Miracle has come true in my recovery. If this dream can come true, it is another miracle. I believe in miracle.


I did not do it because I feel that I do not deserve it.


When I was sound and sober. I feel that it was very selfish of me to put my interest before people who cares about me. I feel that I should not take advantage of their kindness and love. I feel that I do not have the rights to build my own investment portfolio until I have return them their money. I stop myself from doing any form of investment for more than 18 years, however small it can be.


In reality, my thought, feeling and emotion in recovery can be different on some days and drift when left uncheck. One these days when I was not sound and sober. I can have slip and have relapse over the years and made my situation worst than they were before. Those were very costly real life lessons learnt.


After having made amend to some people very deep in my heart, I have experience a newfound peace and freedom. I feel that it has brought me back more than 18 years. My life can pick up and continue from where I have drop off.


I may have my limitation now. I will be positive and start small within my means instead of doing nothing at all like the last 18 yrs years or so.


I shall not borrow from the bank credit and loan facility for this purpose, I need to be grateful and patient, there is no need for me to increase the size of my investment thru borrowing. All the bank charges and interest will wipeout anything I do and send me to a new rock bottom.


I will be realistic and have a lower expectation. Hope this will provide me gratitude, happiness and contentment beside protecting my peace and freedom.


For the last 7 years, my mentor has been checking and encouraging me. I did not show any interest everytime, I never think that it will happen to me one day. My focus was always on survival, living and taking one day at a time.


I thought my future was dark and has nothing for anything, I was broke and old,  the idea did not sound relevant to me at that time, it sounded very unrealistic and impossible.


He was very consistent, he is still sharing with me the exact same thing today. He encourage me to save my money in area that can potentially grow in the long term and pay me a dividend every year.


This timing has happen to me many times, the answer to me was not now and not yet, I was not ready. When I am ready, I will remember his teaching and do what he encourages me. The seed has been planted and the time is now. It is time to act. 


My time horizon is 4 to 8 years. I need to be paitent. The secret to happiness is having lower expectations according to a quote from Warren Buffett. 


As I am writting this update to process my thought, feeling and emotion, the radio is playing the song Africa from Toto, one line from the lyric says: "....I must do what is right."


Thank God for the mercy, grace and love .


1. Spending any ready cash on gambling.


2. Spending money that are mean for living expenses and paying bills on gambling. 


3. Using money that doesn't belong to me such as bank credit card and loan facility to gamble.


4. Continue to gamble with more borrowing.


5. Unmanageable Debt.


I need to watch out for this trap, I can either choose to walk around the hole or walk down a different road.  I do not need to step into the hole.


Warning! Big temptation: The crab never fail to fall for the trap and get caught when it walk into the cage to get near to the bait.


I must remember and constantly remind myself all the time on what gambling has done to me. I must not allow the thought of what gambling can do for me to blind me.


It slow me down if I change my mind and want to gamble. I cannot gamble immediately due to the inconveniences to access my excess fund. I have already committed to a mid to long term investment that I am prepared to wait 4 to 8 years.


It has discourage me from gambling or speculation with everything that I have. Gambling and speculation may offer instant and quick result, but one wrong decision can also wipeout every single cent.


It is really useless to be obsess, anxious, unrealistic and compulsive over this investment. I can check and check, over and over again in a day but any change is so small that l feel like it is not moving.  It is like the small baby step that I take. I can only see how far my investment have gone up or down after many months or years, not days or week. It require lots of patient.


I better get used to this new change now and focus on other more important and productive stuff.... move on in life.


Managing our expectations and our experience.


What happens when our expectations of other people, situation, place or thing do not match our experience?


How we manage the gap between our expectations and our experiences is a true test of our patience and tolerant.


Patience provides the margin to adjust to the unavoidable.


Plans that ignore the unavoidable and failure aren't really plans.


Patience creates space; space to learn, space to understand, space to change your mind, space to correct, space to grow. Patience creates space for instruction to sink in and maturity to take control.


Patience is the calm assurance that comes from understanding that everything is a process. Rome was not built in a day.


Patience is the virtue that separates good from great.


What we are willing to tolerate is the real challenge...... between our expectations and experience.


On one end is what we expect - the vision we cast, the dream we have.


On the extreme opposite end is our experience.


In between is what we are willing to tolerate.


Sometimes the distance between the three is very small.


But the reaction is the same. Between experience and tolerance is correction and change. Between tolerance and expectation is development and growth. The quality that fuels the process? Patience.


Once we identify the pattern, the application becomes relatively easy to see.


How do you plan for the unavoidable?


How do you balance your expectations with what you are willing to tolerate?


How 'patient' are you in a world of correction and change?


How do you perform 'within tolerance' to grow beyond your expectations?


There is always a balance that must be maintained. It is the balance of patient intolerance. It is knowing when to push, when to pause, when to move up and when to move on.


Do not let impatience derail the dream, hurt or harm someone with our words and action.


This is a period of uncertainty for me. I do not know whether I can keep my job 3 months later. The only way I know is taking one small baby step at a time. I can stay focus on the solution and not my fear.

My expectation is low but important to me. I wish to accumulate another 3 months saving for my immediate investment plan. I will have to tolerate every good or bad experience that is thrown at me. I will need to change and correct my intolerance and impatience to adapt to the situation.

I am very hopeful and positive.