Sitting here writing this in a very distressed state , I’m gritting my teeth and tensing every muscle in my body, why do I keep doing this why, this is no life , I m so desperate to get that win it doesn’t happen I keep taking ridiculous choices , getting myself deeper trouble , it’s. Been a horrendous month in all ways , I’ve gone back to gambling I’ve been very down and anxious and beside myself . All the good work has vanished , from having time away from gambling I have gone back on self destruction and started a the behaviour of my previous past . I feel physically I’ll and am Extremely angry and agitated I felt the only way to express how I feel us to write here . Online gambling on my phone has got out if hand betting on tennis and football , spending all day watching radius and desperate to win , I’ve struggled to hold a job down all I think about is gambling , I wake up to bet , I feel a walkjng zombie , drugged up by the gambling if that makes sense, I was doing so well so why have a dive this again , I no why I wanted to ruin everything , and what started off just gambling has now affected my heAlth now the way I approach my day , I no one thing the return to gambling this time has had more dramatic effects than in the past , no enjoyment , certainly how i feel now I wouldn’t wish. On anyone , I’m at rock bottom and I need help , I feel lost as I’ve been in treatment already befire , Is this it , I want a life but sometimes i think It would be less painful if I wasn’t here , I would hurt less people and u wouldn’t have to feel how I feel right now , I honestly have given up I don’t leave the flat , I’ve got no purpose and if I had miney I could get hold of I would have a bet . That’s crazy but am just been honest .