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Where to begin. First, has anyone else gotten infatuated with a milestone date, thinking that was the date you would turned it all around? Maybe it was an anniversary, or a the start of the New Year? For me, it was my 40th bday (which was Nov. 27, 2019). I thought that I would use this milestone to step away from my gambling addiction. I would always have my bday as that turning point. BOy was I wrong.
In many ways, I’m the textbook Gambling Addict. I started when I was 18 with some trips to Atlantic City in New Jersey where I would win or lose somewhere between $100-500 dollars. Fastforward 20+ years and I’m losing amounts closer to $25,000 – $30,000. I can’t even imagine how I got here or how I keep making the same mistake: gambling ever again. In total, I’m sure my lifetime losses are over 600K. But it has only taken me the last few years to realize that number isn’t the problem. Its the way it makes me feel about myself. And for some people 25K is there income in a year, so 1K is their hurtful number. I’m just lost on how to stop. I have excluded myself from casinos across the US. If I ever sneak into one, I ensure before I leave that I self-exclude.
Just the other day, I was in California for a job opportunity. I was enjoying the California sun when I found myself in a local indian casino. Somehow, I finally was winning. I had enough to pay off debt that I ose my mother and a bank. I had it all in my hands for about an hour before I threw it back. I could have been debt free again. But the mind of a gambling addict doesn’t allow you to walk away. Its hooked on action, on risk. Its not thinking about your debt, its feeding off of the excitement. Now I’m back on the East Coast, a shell of a man. I had to borrow more money to make my normal payments so I’m now $80,000 in debt and about to make a huge job change and inherit all of that risk. I didn’t eat today and didn’t leave my bed until 9pm. Why do I keep doing this to myself?
I’m sorry just to vent, but I don’t know what else to do. Despite this pain, thoughts or dreams of gambling still creep in. I fight them back and remind myself of the pain, but I’m equally embarrassed that those thoughts even come up in the first place. I attended GA groups, but I didn’t find my support or peace there. I’m not sure what to do. All I know is that this debt will stay with me for several years an dI’m the one that got me here. Sigh…maybe i’ll work towards a gambling free 2020. God-willing
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It’s a struggle I am getting daily urges and can’t take my mind off it I lost all my savings 7k about 5 weeks ago and can’t stop thinking of the loss and want it back so bad but have no way of even working for it as I am disabled.
Like you mentioned I have been thinking new year I might be able to move on and forget it happened but I doubt it.
Good luck moving forward I hope we can all make a change. -
Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
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Good day and season greetings. I feel your pain brother. I have been there too many times. Its pain like misery for company. No more after 17 days i am GF. I have a victory in my life now. I took back my self worth and starting rewiring my mind daily. Each moment i gonna achieve my goals and day to day tasks. I am happy where i am at moving forward. There is a man name Santos Rolon Jr. From stockholme California he has posted over 1000 videos on gambling addictions. This afternoon at your 4pm i will be featured on his live broadcast on youtube. You can set youself a challenge today to watch those videos and start reprogramming your mind. You are gonna make that break through brother. I have been on and off gambling only roulette machines found in bars pubs casinos etc. Over and over i would kick myself chasing after loses hoping to win it all back. Then on friday 6th dec 2019 it hit me;” WHY DO SOMETHING OVER AND OVER EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT?!” so here i am now 17 days moving forwards refocusing my thoughts actions thinking reframing reshifting this mind into something new looking forward for each moment to bring in a new light and a sense of victory with a positive mind set. My brother you need someone whom you trust with your finances. You ought to have just enough money on you for you to get by one day at a time. The person you trust with your finances should have all your bank cards until you mindset is rewired to self worth. My wife had been doing that since she found out abt the gambling habits. So here i am 16 days GF. Thank you for sharing and keep on posting my brother. You can read other people struggles and how they have overcome that habit on this website. You gonna overcome this brother believ dat! I am rooting for you. I applaud you for excluded yourself from casinos. Continue posting on your progress bro.
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You post under an interesting name. We are all down about our gambling – I don’t think you will find anyone on here who does not feel regret at how much money (and time) they have lost. But I get a sense that there is more than that going on for you.
I gambled – partly for the (rare) thrill of winning – but I think more because it blocked out all the other problems in my life and the feelings that they generated. I found these problems painful and overwhelming.
What I had to do was to talk about them to someone. I too tried gamblers anonymous and by keeping up the attendance found some benefit, but the main way I got support was through counseling. I don’t know if free counseling is an option where you are (in the US?) but it may be worth investigating with your medic. Otherwise there may be other options such as charities etc. There is something called co-counseling which is available in some parts of the US. Here you learn some counseling skills and work with others who have done the same. There may be a payment for the learning – but once you have done this you have free counseling for life.
If counseling isn’t an option for you – can you open up to someone close to you? Certainly in the early days – it would be good to have someone else handle your finances – but also be someone who can listen to what you need to vent.
I hope some of this helps. Please keep posting and maybe join one of the support groups here – dates and times are posted under the heading above. I wish you well.
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