The start of my recovery
On MOnday 16th February my wife found evidence of my gambling relapse. I had been clean for a year until I got an email giving me a free £10 no deposit bonus on an online poker site. Even though I have been battling online poker addiction for 3 years, having last over 25K and never cashing out winnings, I thought this time would be different. I turned the free £10 into £80 and then went up the tables and turned that into £250. All I had to do was deposit a small amount on my credit card and then withdraw the free winnings. Of course I didn't. I am a compulsive gambler. I went up the tables to win more and before I knew it I had AA. I pushed in, someone wet all in £300, I called with all of my £300. A34 on the flop. 5 and then 6. He tuned over 78 off suit. WHo goes all in with 78 offsuit pre-flop. Anyway, all my winnings were gone. I felt empty. Robbed. Deflated. I hated myself. I could have walked away. But I knew it was free money, so no harm no foul. BUt what did I do? I used my company creidt card to try and win in back. Luckily my wife, who works me at my company, went in to the office on MOnday on her own and found the site open. She already knew I was gambling as I had spent the week at the office playing the game trying to win back my money, not sleeping, with that faraway look in my eyes. I lied of course. I'm not gambling, I would say. But the truth came out.
It was always the same with previous relapses. But this time was the quickest yet. Before I know it from playing an hour here an hour there, I am playing all the time.
So now is 2 days clean, and I feel awful. My business is in trouble, not because I took too much money out, but because I have not been putting the work into the business. And I love my business. But I loved poker more, even though I hate it.
So this is the start of my recovery diary. I do not know who is going to read it, or comment, but I will read other people's stories to learn and gain knowledge. I have been to 2 GA meetings this week, Mon and Tues and will go again tomorrow. I am also attending the National Problem Gambling Clinic in London and signed up with gamCare. I have been diagbosed as clinically depressed, due to my gambling, and am on anti-depressents. I have a small 16month of boy who is the most beautiful thing in the world, and I am going to sort myself out. One day at a time. I cannot fix my problems all at once.
I wish all the love in the world to everyone on this site and I hope they sort themselves out.
Right now I am very low, very depressed because I can see that playing poker, gambling, is no way of life for me. It takes over every time. I dread to think what would have happened if my wife had not found out. I was gambling away both our futures.
I need to grow up, to mature and take responasability for my actions. It was me who did it, me who signed up. The sites know who we are and share the info. The only people who make money are the sites, I need to remember this. The rest of us are caught in misery.
Much love to you all tomorrow, I will be back.