starting over

well this my first time in a forum and i already think i will like this. i am 54 years old and started gambling at 45 when my mother died. prior to that i had a good life. loving husband, beautiful home. now this is the 3rd time i have put myself in a hole. i have gone from heart stomping adrenalin, to planning my suicide, to i am going to fight this and win. but my biggest fear is losing my husband when he finds out. i never wanted to hurt him. i actually think that at one time i was going to so win that i wouldnt have to worry about money anymore. lol. sound familiar? i cant go on like this. i am no longer suicidal. just plain mad and want this part of my existance gone


I am so glad that you have stepped away from planning suicide - but if you should find yourself there again - please talk to someone. There are dedicated helplines in most countries and there should be a list of them here: https://www.befrienders.org/


I read an interesting book in which the author had interviewed people who had attempted suicide (by throwing themselves off a bridge into a river) and had failed. By far the majority of them were glad they had survived and had no intention of trying again. The author, a psychologist worked with some of them and found that many did not really want to end their lives - they wanted to END THE LIFE THEY WERE LIVING NOW. Which sounds like the point you have reached - reading your last sentence.


This can be done - but you would be as well to get support on this journey as it will not be easy. Again depending on where you live, there may be free support and counselling available - please reach out for it.


If you read around the site you will see that the other things you NEED to do are - 1) lose access to gambling. Ban or bar yourself from places or online sites where there is a possibility of you playing again. 2) Lose access to finance. Get someone to handle your money for you - if you can - or cut right back on the amount you handle just for day to day expenses. 3) lose you access to time to play. Work out at what times you are most at risk and have a strategy to keep yourself busy at these times - at this point it doesn't matter what it is - but be wary of things that in themselves could become addictive.


I hope this helps - go well.


i am beyond the suicide. thank god. it still enters my mind ebery now and then but you are right. i want to get rid of this person i have become. its not me. and i feel like i am rotting from the inside out. it exhausts me and i feel like i have put my husband in a position he doesnt deserve to be in. we should be planning our retirement. instead i am in a constant state of anxiety. i have joined GA, banned myself every where that i can. there is one casino that was grandfathered in and they dont do bans. that is where i was going when i would get overwhelmed. if i was alone i would file bankruptcy and start over. but its hurting my husband that concerns me more. i dont want to lose him and i know that will be his choice. i cant force him to stand by me again. once i get up the courage to tell him, i can move forward.


I hope you can find that courage soon.  I am sure you will get good support at GA and if you can tell your husband, he may find support both from the "families and Friends" part of this site and from GAMANON the associative programme to GA.  The other positive in telling your husband is that he may be willing to take over your finances for a while which will take the pressure off you. 


It is a very difficult decision to make though, and I would get as much support for yourself as you can before you go ahead.  Telling your spouse is usually better than them finding out in some other way and if you keep putting it off there is more chance of that happening. 


I hope you find your way with this and I wish you all the best in your recovery.


I too started gambling 10 years ago at 45, and now at 55, I'm alone. My husband tells people he divorced me because of my gambling (which at that time, I had only been gambling 2 years). He actually left because he likes younger women...I thought by winning the jackpot, it could save our marriage, but I never won, and he left.

So ***** your blessings; sounds like you have a good husband who loves you, but gambling takes a toll on people. It wears them out, so do your best to take care of yourself. Try not to gamble and definitely do not commit suicide! Thank you so much for sharing your story.