today I lost everything

Hello, I'm Adam. I've just signed up to this site after advice from Katie on the live chat. I've been gambling since I was probably 13/14. Slot machines are my thing. I would go to the arcade at dinner time when I went to school, or into town on the weekends to spend all my pocket money.

I guess I graduated to more serious money when I left school and got a job in a pub glass collecting. I'd be happy to lose 20, 30 quid on the bandit even if that was a big percentage of my wages. As I got older I was promoted to the bar and eventually assistant steward. As the position went up, the wages went up, the gambling went up. The inclusion of a £1 a spin machine at work proved too tempting and I was regularly losing hundreds.

More recently I'd signed up to Betfred to try my hand at gambling away from work. Once again, video slots were my thing. Started easy with £2 a spin, but it gradually grew and grew. £10 a spin, £20, £40. Soon I was losing £100 with every spin of the reels. I recently lost £11,000 from a£17,000 life savings account. I was destroyed. So imagine my delight when I managed to win and build it back up to £20,000. That should of been the end of it. But for the fact I'm here, we all know it wasn't. I lasted roughly 1 week before I was gambling again. £100 a spin. I lost £11,500 over a week or so. I lost the final £8,500 in around 20 minutes yesterday.

I'm absolutely mortified to say the least. I've no idea where to go from here. That money was supposed to go towards a new house next year. This is where my problems lie. I can't bare the thought of telling my parents who have basically wiped my arse for 30 years. It's all going to come out eventually when I try to get a mortgage and they check my financial history. Further still, my girlfriend who has always struggled financially, will never understand. She's thousands in debt herself, so she'll never be able to come to terms with me losing £8,000 in 20 minutes. I just can't face them. I'm basically eyeing up as much stuff in my possession that I have to sell. Try and claw some of it back. If I saved £200 of my wages every week, I'll get it back in about 100 weeks. That's just never going to happen.


I think I'm going to have to settle into this depression...


Just a few after thoughts since reading a few people's comments on here. I guess I'm not as bad as some people losing hundreds of thousands, but the demons are the same for all of us. Since I signed up to here a few hours ago I've checked Betfred about six times to see if they've given me any bonus cash to play with. I'm not sure what I'd do if they did to be honest. Gamble it, or bank it. Either way, there's nothing there and I've nearly lasted a whole day without gambling. Big whoop for me. The thought of telling my loved ones still haunts me. I really don't think I can face it. Maybe see if I can keep this up before I commit to anything. I've always taken pride in being straight. I talk a bit of shit, but who doesn't. One thing I've never been though is a liar, so this is quite difficult for me. I think if I was asked out right I would confess all. But at the moment I'm telling myself that it's not lying if nobody knows in the first place. Onward and upward.


edit: £250 credited from Betfred. lost it all instantly... then i played and lost the last £400 to my name. couldn't last a day. can't say i'm surprised.


Edit again: sold a signed football shirt and used the £100 straight away on Betfred. Won my £400 back. Finished with £1000. I can't help myself. It's going to be very hard to stop. Before I started this diary it had been 37 days straight gambling. I can't just switch off can I?


stop beating yourself up, your alive. you can lose for years but if you do get that big win youll soon forget, thats the whole point isnt it? obviously when we lose we feel bad thats why its considered an addiction, up an downs. ride it out brush it off and either take the loss and dont gamble again or lay it down, lose most of the time and hope to hit it big, you might spend your whole life trying and failing but when it becomes physically a part of trying to win your life back look for love and remember your innocence and choose to live.



Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums



Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!



Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.



And on that note....



I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you :-)



Take care



The Gambling Therapy Team






PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!


Hey Adam, thanks for sharing and welcome to the forum. I was never able to hold onto the money I had available neither. I could never leave a loser. I would either be up for the session and quit or gamble, stepping up if necessary, to the bitter end.

I was well aware of this and I made a good portion of my money unavailable / not easily accessible to me. It was in an account in a different country where it would take 2 or 3 days for it to clear into my current account and only then I could use it for gambling. In addition to that the amount I was able to transfer on any single day was limited.

So whenever I was steaming out of my ears (which was often) I could only lose the money I had available and never the money that was put aside. By the time I transferred the money back to my current account and it cleared I wouldn't be steaming so badly. Also, whenever I won anything meaningful I would wire it to the account I didn't have an easy access to.


Anyway that money you had is gone and you can't have it back. It is no longer yours. What you can do is make sure you don't lose more. Actually you can make sure you never lose another penny. Easier said than done, I know. I've been fighting my demons for decades and I gambled as recently as yesterday. Go figure.


I would recommend that you read "the easy way to stop gambling" by allen carr. It is quite a good book.


Out of curiosity, you mentioned in your post that you're waiting for a bonus / cashback money from BetFred and if you got it you weren't sure whether you would gamble with it or cash it out. Were you serious? Did you honestly think there was a slightest chance you would not gamble with it? I'm not trying to rub it in or anything, I just think it's highly unlikely you honestly thought you would not gamble the money readily available in your betting account. Not to mention the fact that you probably can't cash out bonus money till you meet their betting requirements (i. e. betting 8x the bonus amount).


Good luck. And make sure you come here often and post often. you will find it helpfull I'm sure.


the book obviously wasnt good enough just be honest with yourself in it to win it or get out the ring


Hello, thanks for posting. I'm not sure about the bonus to be honest. It goes off what you've spent/lost over the week. I was genuinely hoping to just cash it in. But it proved to tempting. Just as if everyone knew, the topic of conversation over dinner was gambling last night. I didn't know where to look. I feel so ashamed.


Today's a new day. Day 1... Again...

I slept better last night. It's the first time for about 6 nights I've not been alone in bed with my thoughts. I Woke up with a sense of dread as I remembered what I'd done. Got a horrible numb feeling in my stomach that's still lingering. Sold a pair of Dirk Kuyt's match worn boots last night to another collector. £270 towards the rebuilding of my bank account. Or for something else maybe? Hopefully not...


had many night drunk and coked up, waking up to a comedown and lost a shit load. Felt suicidal but would do it again, had an epiphany, im betting to win BIG losing hundreds weekly wouldnt matter if it works out, if it doesnt then welli tried and took the risk, sensible... no but i wont live again (and remember at least for the hindus)


Adam, I feel for your story. It is so similar to mine and I guess many others. It is the worst feeling in the world. Over 3 years of gambling (poke), quitting, relapsing, losing etc etc I have lost my life savings but more importantly my self respect. Now my busienss is in trouble, my marriage is over and I have to rebuild. I read so many blogs by ex gambler and they all say the same things. Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes, god knows I have. Over the last few weeks I have been deep in remorse for so many things, but that is gettng me nowhere. No one's life is perfect, far from it, and we all ---- up. I am trying now to move on, be kind to myself and rebuild what I have lost. My life will never be the same again, but hopefully now it will be better and so will yours.


Keep posting whenever you need - don't keep thoughts in your head, it is much better to get them out. The great thing about this site is that you can then see what you wrote and where you were at a certain time.


All my love to you and yours.


Truth is you chose the chance to win over lifes jackpot, learn from it dont dwell on it, it will eat you up. next time take a look from outside and realise how wonderful life is


Adam, I feel for your story. It is so similar to mine and I guess many others. It is the worst feeling in the world. Over 3 years of gambling (poke), quitting, relapsing, losing etc etc I have lost my life savings but more importantly my self respect. Now my busienss is in trouble, my marriage is over and I have to rebuild. I read so many blogs by ex gambler and they all say the same things. Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes, god knows I have. Over the last few weeks I have been deep in remorse for so many things, but that is gettng me nowhere. No one's life is perfect, far from it, and we all ---- up. I am trying now to move on, be kind to myself and rebuild what I have lost. My life will never be the same again, but hopefully now it will be better and so will yours.


Keep posting whenever you need - don't keep thoughts in your head, it is much better to get them out. The great thing about this site is that you can then see what you wrote and where you were at a certain time.


All my love to you and yours.


Hi Adam, why not close that gambling account? Better yet, why not ask them to ban you? The n you won't keep getting those tempting bonuses.


The finances will take care of themselves if you stop gambling. Trying to keep things hidden will make it harder for you to do that. In fact trying to keep things hidden can in itself send someone gambling as they try and recoup hidden losses or pay hidden debts.


What positive steps can you take? A blocker for your PC so you can't reopen that gambling account or find another one? Someone to hold your money? Getting to GA meetings?


Keep posting and let us know what positive steps you are taking.?


i wanted to buy one but I'm not sure? would I be able to un-install it? cause if I can then i will.so ill be wasting my money?


Not sure why I can't close my Betfred account. I've thought a lot about it but I can't bring myself to close it for good. There's been a few moments today when I've needed money but couldn't access any. Not for gambling, just for some shopping and that. So far so good on day one again. Still got the numb feeling in my stomach and continual thoughts of how I'll never be able to get back what I've lost...


Hi Adam,


As hard as it is, it's better for you to come clean and tell your parents and girlfriend what you've done. The initial shock and upset it will cause will eventually lead to what they can do constructively to help you repair the damage. In my experience, if you keep it a secret and exist in this secret world of gambling, you'll only continue to chase losses and compound the problem further.


I've self excluded myself form many online gaming sites and now can't access most of them for 5 years. You can also set daily gaming limits to reduce losses. Again, it's not a perfect solution because it's best that you don't gamble at all, but added to other measures it helps.


I have still found ways to gamble, that is why I'm on this forum and seeking outside help, but you still have family and people close to you that can support you, care for you and guide you through this, so don't shut them out. I let things escalate so far that I've pushed everyone close to me away, so I speak from experience. This fight is hard enough with the help of loved ones, but it's far, far more difficult if you stand alone in isolation like I do.


You may think that you have the ability to win all your losses back before anyone finds out, but even if you do, you'll think that you can go again and next time win big. I have won tens of thousands of pounds over the years and hardly ever quit while I was winning. I always pushed my luck further and further until I eventually lost everything. There's never a happy ending to gambling, it always ends in misery.


I wish you all the best and hope you find the strength to confide in loved ones.


Take care,


Charlster2


I managed to gather my first £1000 and transfer it to my savings account today. Only another £17,000 to go... But still, it's a start. I've still not barred myself from Betfred. It almost feels like I'm testing myself. To see if I can have it and not use it. Sounds silly, but I know I'll bar myself eventually.

Still feel sick and empty inside. Been thinking a lot about the last couple of months. I won the £500 jackpot at work a few weeks ago. I came away with about £330 after what I put in. Two days late I was bored, put a five pound note in and won another £200. You'd think I'd be happy with that? Didn't even blink. That's when you know it's a problem I guess. I suppose when you've got to the point where your winning one, two, three grand in one spin online, nothing else really comes close. In case your wondering, none of those amounts raised an eyebrow either. The numbness I've felt for gambling lately hasn't been healty. I used to play because I enjoyed the thrill of winning. That thrill died a long time ago. It had almost become a second job I needed to go to every day. It's still my secret. Maybe when I can safely say I've done 50 days. Or ive saved £5,000 I can then share it with people. As it stands at the moment, I've done nothing to deserve anyone's help or understanding. I need to prove to myself I can do it first...

Day three... Going ok...


Hi Adam,


I can relate to what you're saying. There are many times when I could have cashed out and won thousands, but because I had won large amounts in the past and because of how much I've lost over the years it was never enough. I always push my luck to the brink until I eventually lose everything.


Not long ago I was £12000 up playing online roulette and all I did was increase my stake so I was spinning £200+ a spin, and in no time I lost the lot. That has happened to me on many occasions, I very rarely cash out when I'm winning. I gamble with trepidation and fear now, there's no fun factor in it. I know I can't afford to gamble a penny, yet I gamble every last penny I have on an all too regular basis!


Just to pick up on something you said at the end of your latest post about you not deserving help, believe me, asking for help now and coming clean is the best thing you can do. You're £17000 down at the moment, when do you think you'll qualify for help and understanding, when you're £50000 down, £100000 down? Now is the time to gather those close to you and meet this problem as a collective rather than face it in silence alone.


Others may have a different view point, but from my experience, I can only say it as I see it. At the moment £17000 seems a ridiculously large amount to lose, but in hindsight, if I had come clean when my losses were only £17000, I would still have my house, still probably have my long term relationship in tact and wouldn't be the complete wreck I am today.


Use your family, girlfriend and friends for support sooner rather than later, don't try to sort this out on your own.


I obviously wish you all the best and hope that you stay strong day to day. Keep it going, you're doing great.


Take care,


Charlster2


Hi Adam it is good you are wanting to stop. I would say you need to self exclude yourself from that online casino today! If you dont the odds are you will deposit again. Keeping it open means that possibly somewhere deep down you know you will gamble again!


Exclude and do it now and exclude from any other casinos you may have open. Then install blocking software on your pcs to block ALL casinos. Without this you could stumble again. Wishing you all the best!!!


Just a note on blocking software. Gamblock is virtually impossible to uninstall unless you have very good coding / programmings skills and even then it can go horribly wrong and totally mess the system. Others I wont comment on. But gamblock is about as strong as it gets. Basicially when it is installed on your system ALL sites related to casinos/gambling are blocked including gaming forums and such like.


Nothing is ever 100% but it can give you another layer of cover and protection. But the real quitting starts from within. Self excluding from casinos is at the basic level and is a must in my book for any person who is struggling with an online based gambling addiction. But hey thats just me.


I've just been on the web site. I amy be interpreting it wrong but as I will be the administrator, won't i be able to change the settings


Its a personal choice but I would choose Gambloc personal for home use. Basicially soon as it is installed and you agree to the terms that is it! You will not get access to any casinos nor any gaming related sites. You will not be able to edit any of the settings nor will you be able to remove it.


The bigger packages (i think) are for corporates or for familys where there is a admin which kinds of defeats the object if your doing this solo. Go for the lowest cheapest package for 1 year.


Note that when gamblock is installed certain parts of your system will be locked. You wont be able to run CMDs (command line functions) or access the bios etc. This may have changed in recent versions but I know when I used it a few years ago it did not allow me access to certain parts of my systems which I needed for my work. But basically when its on your system that is it. No more gambling online from that 1 PC.


And if in doubt contact gamblock customer support they were in the past pretty speedy with reply's during office hours. If anyone here has other info on blocking software of if I have quoted something wrong or out of date then shout up . As I said it has been a few years since I last used it.


Good luck with it all let us know how you get on!


I'm pretty happy today. Liverpool just beat City 2-1. Great result and a great game. A few reminders in the advert breaks about how hard it is for CG's. There were so many adverts about betting and a few about not getting carried away. 'When the fun stops, STOP'. Good advice, if only I'd seen that advert years ago. But out of the blue, 10 minutes ago, the Betfred VIP sent me an email and a subsequent £100 cash to play with. I guess they're missing me. I didn't hesitate to get on to Betfred and imidiately withdraw the £100 into my bank account. I think this is another reason I'm keeping my account open. I still feel entitled to money back. It's a very risky game I know. I feel sick to my stomach seeing that money in my account ready to be played. I've been spending the last hour looking at things I can sell off. It upsets me that I'm having to sell off prized possessions, but I've brought it on myself. It's a good job I've spent so much money on things over the years. It's just another form of money in a way. Only problem is, I've acquired some great items over the years and now I'm technically handing them out for free...


when the time is right and you are in the right place, those items will be meaningless because you will feel so good about life and yourself. you will also enjoy buying new stuff because you'll now in your heart that the casinos will have taken it all.


Five days down now. Still struggling to come to terms with the loss. I'm finding it hard to see where and how I'm going to save all that money back up. I'm pretty impatient so it's really getting to me. It's on my mind a lot throughout the day. Saving needs to be secondary to stopping though at the moment. Nearly a week done. I always said, if I can do a week, I can do a month. If I can do a month, I can do a year...


That's not happened for about 17 years though. Good luck!


YOu can do it Adam. I am starting from scratch again after the biggest binge of my life. I am on day 0. I love reading your posts, you are very honest and I know you will do this and you will come out of this richer - not just financially, but spiritually and emotionally.


Keep posting and keep going gamble free. There are no answers on that road, only heart ache and misery.


Much love


Mav


Ok, so I can no longer access my Betfred account. I spoke to an online adviser on their site and they helped me self exclude. Given the option of between 6 months and 5 years, I told them 5 years was short enough and went from there. I've had an email since telling me I'll have to sign and resend an agreement to cancel. Also in the email it mentioned if I want to cancel the 5 years exclusion at any time I should get in touch with them to sort that out. Seems like defeating the object to me. But I guess it's big business. If they can have me back I'm sure they'd open their arms...

So that's that finally sorted. One temptation taken away from me. Until I ask them nicely it appears... I've never been one for Casino's luckily. I've been to Las Vegas once. I spent all my money on McDonalds, gifts and clothes. Never gambled a cent. I've also been to a Casino near where I live with a work mate. I watched him lose 20 quid on roulette in about 5 minutes. I bought a steak and chips and a cup of tea instead and called it a night. Bandits have always been my vice and as I write this I can see two of them sparkling away in the corner of my eye. Those temptations will be there every time I go to work. Which is a lot... I need to be strong though. I can remember the last time I went a few months without playing. Maybe 6 months or so. I cracked one night and went on the bandit. Cost me about £12 to drop the £250. I told myself that was my reward for staying off them for so long. But that was enough to capture me back in. I'm sure that £250 didn't last the week.

Anyway, day 6, eat it!



Hi Adam, well done for going straight for the 5 years..



I've had a quick look at Betfred's policies, one out of interest but 2 to give you some reassurance that you are secure and you'd be better off using your energy eating McDonalds than trying to have an exclusion removed.



Adam you say in your post you've received an email from Betfred stating " if I want to cancel the 5 years exclusion at any time I should get in touch with them to sort that out"



Self Exclusion Procedure (direct words from the Betfred Website)





"On request, Betfred.com will close any customer's account(s) for a minimum period of six months and for any period up to 5 years. During the agreed period of time the customer will not be able to place any bets nor will the customer be allowed to revoke the agreement. Betfred.com will remove the customer's name from our mailing and marketing lists and will do everything it can to prevent a new account from an excluded customer from being re-opened during the period of self-exclusion
"



I hope this puts your mind at rest, you haven't wasted your time... I can't explain the wording from the email although I may ask for this to be looked into



Kind Regards



H


Day 7 again... i say again because i thought i'd done a week today. But upon checking my older posts i noticed that after i messed up on day 1, i just carried on to day 2 regardless. Kinda shows where my heads been recently. So anyway, i've gone back and edited my older posts so i have an accurate account of my days. That said, today is day six. Tomorrow will be day seven. That will be a week for anyone that isn't quite following. That's pretty good for a start but some way off before i'll be happy. I'm actually in a much better mood at the moment. Things will come crashing down when i eventually come to tell people, but for now, i'm happier in myself. Just to follow up on an earlier comment, i think i may of misread the email. I've just looked back at it and it say's if i want to rejoin AFTER the exclusion period. So i guess i'm cool with that now...


Cheers people.


You're doing fantastic dude. Rooting for ya. Well done on the self exclusion. There are no poker sites left for me to play now, as the ones left don't work for mac - good thing.


Keep posting, I am into 36 hours now. And I have thought about gambling all day.


You are another hero sir.


Thanks to net nanny (gamblock doesnt work on Mac). I didn't.. But would have. Clearly very little will power right now.


Officially day 7 today. That's one week down and I've already managed to save nearly 2 grand up. Not sayin I'll be able to do that every week, but what a start. Anyway, not really got much to say today. Been pretty quiet. Although, if anyone has any thoughts on this... I still give £2 a week to a guy I work with because I'm in a lottery syndicate. Anyone think this is cool or should I be swerving it full stop?


I like that term :)


From my experience trying to extract myself from the gambling trap, (and this is from my first GA meeting on 1/11/11 up until now, 4+ years OMG!!!) I tried to justify things like lottery, fantasy football, pools, etc as not real gambling. At the point you are at, you may be feeling the same way. I can assure you that continuing those types of activities ARE gambling, and they do work to perpetuate our gambling itch.


That's why at GA they discuss one of the steps being to make a fearless financial and moral inventory. You will need to come to the conclusion yourself of course, and I'm quite thick headed so it has taken me 4 years to root out every last avenue of gambling that was in my life. Now finally they are all out on the table in full view to me (mentally of course). I understand that if I buy stocks, my gambling brain will trigger, and I will start buying and selling to try and make a quick profit. That IS gambling, although it took 3 years to finally admit that to myself. Same goes for the sports pools etc. I justified it by saying it was only with friends, only for a small stake, just for fun, for socialization, etc..... but in the end I finally realized that with my history of gambling, those seemingly innocent activities were drawing me back in and setting the stage for devastating relapses when my defenses were down.


You may be done with gambling today (I hope!), or it may take you days, weeks, months, years to finally be rid completely of the insanity of gambling. Thinking about all of these things, weighing them, writing them down, talking with people are all tools for you to get it straight in your mind what will be needed for you to succeed.


If you couldn't tell already, part of my therapy is to read others experiences and think about the times in my recovery that I ran across the same dilemmas and obstacles and how I handled them (or botched them). So I want to thank you for posting, it really helps me a lot!


All the best to you!


Interesting post Fritz,


I have wondered to myself whether it would be dangerous to play things like the lottery and the like when in recovery. I think I guessed what the answer was, but it's good to have it confirmed by you.


We can't have enough education on this addiction and the do's and don'ts while in recovery. A full understanding is so vital to success. What could seem an innocent activity, really could send us on a downward spiral.


Many thanks for your post.


Charlster


Felt a bit shit at times today. There was a couple of occasions that I wanted to spend like £40 or £50 on things. A couple of weeks ago i wouldn't of batted an eyelid at that kinda price. But now I've literally got nothing, even a ticket to the football or a takeaway meal seems like something I can't afford to put my money to. My mother told me I'd need to get used to saving for when I have my own house. Well I'm getting used to it, and I don't bloody like it. I've thought about it a few times today. Getting involved again. Playing it smart. Only gambling small amounts and quitting while I'm ahead. These thoughts are pointless though. I always come to the same conclusion...

It's just not worth the risk. Hoping I stay strong. For now thought, 9 days and counting.


Saturday today. I always found Saturday a hard day at work. Not because my jobs particularly taxing, the complete opposite in fact. I get in just before 1, then settle down in front of the TV with my weekly chippy dinner. The only customer I get during the day joins me, so it's easy to manage the bar. Then by about half 1, with no sign of any actual work to be done, I'll start getting itchy fingers. I used to tell myself, just go a tenner. But when it's a pound a go, a tenners not lasting much more than a minute or two. Inevitably once I lose that I'd set on the path to chasing. Everyone knows chasing a machine is how they make their money. Chances are, once you get past £100, your never making that back again. Reminds me of a few Saurdays back. I came in to a message left for me by a fellow gambler at work. The message was simply, I've put a fortune in the 20p bandit and it's definitely ready to go. It only takes a few quid to realise when a machine is ready to pay out and indeed it was. Only problem is, although it's full and ready to pay out, that doesn't nececerrely mean it has to do it right away. It can take £2, it can take £200. So there I was, half past 12, 'working'. So I'm running back and forth between the bar and the bandit as people are wanting to be served. It took me nearly 3 hours and £220 to finally drop the £250... Five minutes later I put the £30 in the other £1 bandit and lost it straight away. Completely wasted day. The life and times of a CG.


I had some strong urges yesterday. I had a full free day to devote to gambling. I had money availble and free time.

I talked to my husband, I re-read all my thread, then I posted a pledge not to gamble in March.

I am going to buy a new vacuum today with my money and spend the time shopping for it. You have to want to quit this addiction. I read the cycle of addiction and saw myself plainly in the midst of it. The thoughts come back around and wee have to plan ahead for them.

8days is terrific! You are doing great. I know having no money to buy the simple things is hard, but day by day the path you are on, will allow you to pay your way through life. Just get to the end of today. Tomorrow is too far away to think about.


That's 11 days straight now. 11 days updating this journal. It definitely helps I think... Sunday night is tote double night at my work. If your not familiar with this, basically you pick two numbers between 1 and 30 and if they both come out, you win £100. This is something I do every week, shared with my boss at £1 each. I guess it might be a good time to seek opinions on wether this is still a good idea to pursue? I guess in a way it's still gambling. But it's manageable as we only ever do £1 each and it's split two ways. Interesting one. It's not something I could ever lose thousands on, but is it a gateway perhaps... I don't know. But for now, eleven days and counting.


How would you react if your friend was addicted to heroin, now in recovery, and told you he was just going to do the smallest of hits once per week. Only once per week and only the smallest amount of course. How would you advise him?


It's funny how because a lot of regular people gamble, society and social norms say that a bit of lottery or a raffle is very ok and in fact encouraged. However, the same regular people that do heroin are viewed by society as low life junkies. In fact addictive drugs and gambling trigger very similar types of reactions in your brain.


Just a thought... sorry if this is coming across too preachy. Have a great day!


Hi Adam,


Scroll a little way up your thread for the answer. Fritz pretty much answered your question. When in recovery, abstaining from any form of gambling is the best option. Fritz included the Football Pools, The lottery, even Fantasy Football as being dangerous ground, so I assume he would also advise you to NOT partake in your Tote Double Night at work. The fact it is only a £1 makes absolutely no difference in my opinion.


The choice is obviously yours, but we all know, any sort of bet, no matter how harmless or small, will lead on to bigger things. What's more it keeps you in the gambling, risk mentality, which I think you should avoid at all costs.


You've done brilliantly by the way. I'm on Day 10 too.


Keep fighting.


Charlster.


Had to nip to town today for some art supplies. Just another thing to keep me busy when I'm feeling the urge.

I was watching the football last night. It annoys me how frequent there are adverts for gambling, before and after the game. Not to mention half time where they really push the odds. It's pretty annoying to see. You don't see adverts for drug addicts do you? Is gambling not as addictive as say alcohol or cigarettes? Might just be me, but I get the feeling if I told someone I was addicted to drugs they'd be more sympathetic. But if I said I was addicted to gambling, they'd just say, well just stop gambling. Can addiction really be put in an order?

I'm just babbling now... But 12 days and counting.


They say that Gambling once you become addicted is MORE addictive, because it is purely mental. It is hard to lose all your money with alcohol or cigarettes. You certainly don't chase thousands with that.


Anyway, well done mate. You are another hero. Keep posting and stay strong.


13 days today. I used to think that once I'd done a week, the problem was behind me. I feel sick to my stomach today as I write this. I thought it best to come on here and write in my journal. I've been very itchy and in my head all day today. I've been constantly thinking about how I'm going to claw back the money I've lost. It's going to take a couple of years to even be anywhere close. All I can think at the moment is, if I just start gambling my wages every week maybe I can occasionally win the odd grand to put into my savings. I know if even once I lost my wages one week I would just dive into my savings to make it back up. I'll never be able to escape this nightmare. I still don't feel comfortable telling anyone. I just can't face another emotional kick in the bollocks. I think I've pretty much decided I can't tell my partner. She'd never be able to understand and relate to my problems. She won't see them as problems, she'd see it as just wasting money instead of something I couldn't control at the time.

I did something silly earlier. I google searched for Dynamite Digger, which is the video slot I played all the time. It took me to Labrokes online casino. I went as far as looking at the sign up page that would let me 'quick sign up with paypal'. I thought about the £66 I currently know is available in my paypal. But what's £66 when my average spin was always £40. It's probably been the worst day since I last gambled today. Not helped by the fact someone just went of the bandit at work and I heard that pound coin bypass the hopper and nestle in the bottom box, clearly shouting over to me "I'm full and ready to drop"...

Feeling weak... Must plod on...


SO weird, I wrote a long reply here to you Adam, as you are one of my GT heroes at the moment. Someone whose progress I am following as avidly as I might a serial. Someone in whose struggle I see myself, and for whom I want to success against the odds in the manner of a old fashioned Greek hero.


However, after I posted the system seemed to shut down at it never got posted. In essence, I am rooting for you. I know that you know that the next bet is the one to avoid. You will never be up enough - and when you are you will only gamble again to lose. I know understand how you can never win from gambling. There are so many stories on here of people being 12K, 20K up and then instead of pocketing the money and leaving it for a few weeks, before ertruning with a clear head, you think you have it sussed and so increase the bets until its gone - and then some. CGs cannot win - I cannot win. The other night I was 1K up from an inital £10 deposit. I proceeded to lose that and then almost a lot more.


The reason you are one of my heroes is that you remind me of me. The way you write, the way you describe yourself. I think we are very different apart from we are CGs. I see you as Hercules fighting the Hydra of gambling. You can never beat the Hydra totally, but day by day you can chip at it until, after a long while, it is small and depleted. But what I now understand is that you can never bet again - because if you do, it will grow and grow.


Please continue to be a hero for me - I come to this site a lot as reading about stroies of success give me strength. I am close to wrecking everything I have. I am 42 and everything I have worked towards is almost gone. I am that story. I don't want to go further - which is to be homless, in poverty, in prison, thinking about suicide. I want my story now to be the turnaround - but that will not happen overnight. I have so much work to do on myself. My coping mechanisms. I need to understand what the urge to gamble is. It is when I am happy, or sad, flush or broke. I have played online poker in my pants having a shit, on the bus with a dodgy dongle, in cafes, in parks, sneakily at home without the wife seeing. I am ashamed of the times I have gambled and lost it, absolbed, ignorant to my young child. Over 3 years it has robbed me of so much and it robs us all. Becaiuse it is not a simple form of entertainment for us. It is class A drugs - it does the same to our brain as herion or crack, and that is whym in the sane way as I cannot ever take heroin again, I can never gamble again.


I feel calmer now understanding this. I knew this before, but didn't undersatnd it.


I wish you all my love and strength, and hope to read tomorrow that you were able to delay the urge to gamble. And that tomorrow will be day 12 for you and day 8 for me.


Peace, love and strength


Had to get my bike fixed today. New tyre, inner tube, brake cable and break pads. £47 in total. Not as bad as I was expecting, but still, it's fifty quid I didn't really wanna part with. Spent plenty of time today thinking about ways to get my money back. Obviously gambling always at the forfront of any ideas. Something else popped back into my head that I hadn't thought about for a while. When I was gambling frequently throughout the years, I always had one rule. Never go under £10,000 in my life savings. After both my grandparents died I was left £10,000 in their joint will to give me a good start later in life. I always said I'd never touch that money. But somewhere in the last couple of months, I was so desperately hooked on the chase that I totally forgot I was pissing all over their memory. I don't believe in God or the afterlife, so I'm happy knowing they're not looking down on me with great disappointment. Although they probably should be...

When will it get easier?


Hey Adam


Great post. I am really struggling at the moment with the chaos that my gambling has caused. The truth is the longer we go without the gamble, the harder it gets as we will always have to remind ourselves what we are: CGs. We can never have one bet again. I have met so many recovering CGs who went years without a gamble and convinnced themselves they were cured, so they could gamble responsibly again. It usually comes crashing down on our heads really quickly. I am only on day 8 and now I have to deal with the wreckage that is my life.


You are still young and you have a job. Gambling is no way of life. The odd bet for most people is fine. I know I cannot do that anymore.


Keep posting mate, keep us informed. How are you feeling? I love reading your posts.


All my love and strength.


Not had a bad day today. Need to pay someone £160 for some previously arranged autographs by Stevie Gerrard. A reminder of a time not so long ago that I was quick to spend big on my hobby. On a positive note, I'll get much more than that when they go on eBay soon to cover costs. Gotta save up for a match I'm going to at the end of the month too. Savings aren't seeing many new friends at the minute.

I was pretty irritable last night. I had a regular gambler staying late at work. Usually I don't mind stopping back a bit so they can play, as I always like to watch and join in. But everything about it was annoying me last night. Not least the 30 minutes extra I was at work without pay. Anyway, he ended up with nothing, obviously. I locked up and went home annoyed that my time was wasted. If only I'd felt like that when it was my own money. There had been a few occassions I'd left work as the sun was coming up, hundreds maybe over a thousand quid down. Just really sad, depressing, embarrassing walk of shame home to think about the amount of times I'd have to visit the cash machine to draw out the £300 limit.

Here's to hoping I've walked that last walk...


I've got to say, you are doing brilliantly. You are facing temptation at work everyday and still managing to resist the urge to gamble.


Fair play and long may it continue.


Charlster


Busy day today. Been preoccupied so it's been fine. Just checkin in to check in. Still going well. 16 days and counting!


Saturday again. Nobody at work again. I'm not feeling too itchy though so it's cool. Had my dinner, got my one customer in, watching tele... All good in the hood.

Had some weird dreams last night. I dreamt that I had four grand in my savings and I was moving it into my normal account so I could gamble. I never got up to the point where I won or lost, just the moving money between accounts with the intentions of gambling online. It was a pretty horrible feeling. I also had a dream that I'd told my mother. She was disgusted with me and we're going over all the things I wasn't allowed to do or buy until I'd made the money back.

I told my boss I was gonna knock the tote double on the head for obvious reasons. He just laughed a bit and said it was only a quid a week. Although I agree to a certain extent that it's only a pound and I'd make it back in tips within 10 minutes, that's not the point. He's one of only two people I've told and he doesn't inderstand. All I get from the other guy is, I wish you'd stopped the first time you won it all back. Well thanks for that... So basically I can't talk to anyone because nobody takes gambling seriously as an addiction. I'm sure if I was a coke head they wouldn't say, it's just one bump a week, can't do any harm!

On another note, I sold another pair of match boots on eBay. Didn't get what I was hoping for. Not too pleased about that. But at least it'll cover the Gerrard's I mentioned earlier.

17 days boi!


Breezing through these days now. Not got much on my mind today. Early shift at work. Just finished Boardwalk Empire. Sad about the ending, but I guess you really can't be half a gangster... Back to work after tea, then that's me till midnight.

Onward!


19 days now. I'm starting to come to terms with it all a bit more now. The realisation that I'm never getting my money back. I'm really impatient, so it's killing me a little knowing that this is going to be a long drawn out battle.


If it's feeling like a battle then there are two opposing viewpoints in your head. One saying I want to gamble and one saying I shouldn't, right? Think about the side saying I want to gamble. Why do you feel that way? Write down all of the positive aspects of gambling and test each one. In the end they are all false, but you will need to reach that conclusion on your own. Until then you will be using the willpower method of quitting, which means you will have to struggle with a constant inner conflict of wanting to gamble but not allowing yourself to gamble. It is a very hard way to live. I tried this for a long time with poor results. You can go along time without gambling but continue feeling deprived of something you think is important and good, so the desire and urges never stop. Consequently peace is elusive. This is just my experience, take it or leave it of course. This thinking comes from the Easy Way, it clicked for me, maybe it will click for you too. I wish you all the best in your recovery.


Starting to really wonder if this site is good for me? It's nice to be able to record my thoughts i guess, but really it's just those day numbers clocking up that i always rely on to help me. I used to count them on the works calendar whenever i had a bad spell and wanted to stop. My previous record was just over 42 weeks i believe. Never gone a year as long as I've been gambling. But I've been reading over some peoples older posts and although there's a lot of tragedy through those pages, there's also a lot of glamor between the lines. I read a long post that someone did last year describing the thrill and rush of gambling on slot machines. The post finished up telling how terrible they felt after the event, but all I read at that point was blah, blah, blahh. I'm not trying to offend anyone, but by the time I'd read the first bit, all those sweet memories of gambling came flooding back. The next paragraph could of been the meaning of life and I'd still not been interested! At this point right now, right now in my head, all I want to do is gamble. I think I've even gone past the point of wanting my money back. Just want the feeling of seeing that reel spin and have your heart skip a beat as the reel settles, displaying a healthy win or a disappointing loss.

I miss the feeling of not being able to spend money too. I mean, sure, I've scraped back two grand so far, so I could easily afford a little luxury or two. But I'm stuck in save mode at the moment. I'm really dedicated to building my savings back up. The downside to this is that I'm still selling things I've collected over the years for, in some cases, less that they're worth. Which bugs me with every sale. I'm still adamant that my very top, rare items won't be going anywhere. I know they're only 'things' but I've worked hard for these 'things' and I think losing them will do me more harm than good in the long run.

So here's to 20 days... Tempted, but not turned.


Hey Adam


Great, honest post. I felt the same as you until I finished The Easy Way. The book is great as it is very repetitive as it bangs home its message. I now question why I ever gambled. For years I got nothing from it. I know if I gamble again I will get sucked right in. I want a life without gambling, most be don't gamble. What has it ever given me? Nothing, not even any great wins. I have a few big win, most I never cashed out. I do understand that you can have big wins, but if you keep gambling what;'s the point? I still do fantasise about the big win and keeping it. I remember Charlster wrote how he was 12K up at one point but then just upped the stakes. Lost the lot. You too wrote how you got your money back to 20K, then smashed the lot in 2 or so weeks. What's the point. If you could be guaranteed to win and then walk away, great. But if we are a CG we can't. If all you do with a win is put it back, what's the point?


I was very lucky again over the weekend, at one point I was massively down. I ended up up, but my GA sponsor said I didn't win - merely finished with more than I started. But if I gamble again that would go. I checked my bank yesterday - the deposited had gone but not the withdrawel.


If you think about what gambling ever gave you, apart from a short rush of "did I win" or "did I lose" nothing. And if you are using such huge amounts of money, the stress will kill you. It would me.


We are all here with you, don't be fooled by the 'glamour' that people sometimes write. I think that's what made me relapse too. I wanted that win and walk away. But next time I play, if I play with the same intensity, I could lose everything. I can't play at those stakes any more.


19 days is amazing, I haven't done 19 self imposted days for years.


Keep posting, stay strong and get the Allen Carr book. It was much better than I thought. You have been an inspiration to me as you have got your head around your compulsion.


Thanks for being here.


Cheers Mav. Just seeing one person understand my bullshit on here is good for my morale. I was talking to a guy at work last night. The dude is absolutely loaded. He was telling me that he's starting to get addicted to the £1 a spin bandit where I work. He told me he can put up to £100 a night in there and he comes in between 3 and 5 nights a week. This guy might put a lot in, but he seems to do it at the right times because he always tends to be lucky. Sure enough, a bit later in the night, he was handing me a ticket for £500. Only cost him £7 to win it... Seriously!? With that kinda win, addicted or not, your definitely going back on it another time aren't you!? That's the problem. That first win. I've seen people who never even contemplate gambling get a little win on that machine and never looked back... Not to the extent of some idiots like me, but there's definitely a trigger that goes off after you see that first win.

That trigger went off for me pretty early in life. I used to go to a lot of arcades in town when I was young. I live in a seaside town that is packed with them. Packed with arcades, but more importantly, un-policed arcades. So it was easy to gamble as a kid. The only obstacles at the time being other kids that wanted to either take your money OR help you win the jackpot... and then take your money. I shall take one example. I used to go to maybe 4 or 5 regular arcades that had specific machines that we had mastered. We being me and my friend, let's call him Chris. Because that's his name... or is it? Anyway, we'd walk into the first place with our money firmly stuffed in our socks. If it was quiet, time to play. If there were a few unsavoury types in, move to the next place. So we ended up in a place we didn't often frequent and tried a few machines that were new to us. I was playing one machine with a kinda 'Space and Rockets' theme to it. I remember I got a win, got on the board and won £10. £10 was a pretty reasonable win at the time so I was happy. Only 'problem' was, I got the repeat option. I swear, every time the repeat option came up, the lights were flashing brighter than any other machine and the sound effects louder. It seemed to go on for an eternity. Every time I tried for a repeat I got it. I remember clearly thinking, I wish this would end so we could get out of there. With every repeat I could feel more eyes on me. My friend being my look out just in case. Like I said, it must of lasted a life time, but in the end the repeat finally stopped and I ended up with just over £100 I believe. After a nervous (what seemed like) 16 hours! of coins hitting the tray as I waited for my winnings to present themselves, I scooped them up into my pockets and we legged it out of there.

That's the kind of thing that happened regular when I was a kid. I loved the thrill of going out and playing, not necessarily winning, just being there and getting a buzz. I guess I should of known when to stop. When the buzz stopped. When it became a chore instead of a pleasure. But we live and learn.

"you can't truly appreciate the top if you haven't hit rock bottom".


"......only cost him £7 to win £500 eh, Adam?

Yea, right!!!

I have often sat beside players in casinos. Watched them stuff fifty after fifty euro notes into slot machines up to 6, 7, 8 hundred...then "win" a few hundred and shout out "hooray"

Who are they fooling?

Whom did I fool?

Myself, mainly!

Most of these Big Shots are CGs in denial. I was ! We love to flash a wad of notes under the noses of other players for attention/to make ourselves feel important/rich/trendy. Who knows?

I haven't seen too many of them flashing Bank Statements, Maxed out Credit Cards, Overdue Bills, Threatening letters/Payday Loan slips etc

HAVE YOU?

Most CGs are BLUFFERS, Adam.

And I place myself in the top category!!


Hi Adam,


In all the 30+ years that I have been gambling I have very rarely heard a gambler talk about their losses.


Gamblers, myself included, will talk from dusk until dawn about the great wins we've had when in the company of others. Never will we talk about the losses that outnumber the wins massively. No one wants to be a loser, so we portray ourselves as winners, not just to appear great at what we do, but to convince ourselves that gambling is justified. That's my experience anyway.


The chances are that guy may have had a lucky night in your establishment, but one thing is certain, he is hugely down over all, that is a fact.


Keep it going, we're gambling free for a similar length of time.


Charlster.


Cheers guys. I know what your saying. I don't think the £7 to win £500 is a lie though. I've had it myself before. I put two £2 coins in and dropped the £500 on my third press. I also remember one time I found a 20p piece in the tray. So I put it in and tried two spins on 10p. I got five 7's right across. £50 jackpot. But for every good story I can remember, there's probably 10 stories I don't want to remember. Once you've put £500 in a machine that pays out a maximum jackpot of £500, you know your fooked! Countless times I've taken my max out the cash machine only to wait till midnight so I could go do the same again. I probably shouldn't say, but I've also borrowed money from the safe at work to gamble. I've always paid it straight back though. But the fact that thousands of pounds were readily available to me on a nightly basis were always a temptation. Many times I'd thought about quitting my job, but I've been there for 14 years, worked up from the bottom to the second in charge. I know in a few years I'll be running the bar if of course the place stays open.

I really need to draw a line under this for good. I can just imagine now what I could do with an increased wage. But as it's been said countless times, you've gotta take each day as it comes. For me, this is day 22. A day over three weeks and counting. I definitely feel better about not playing. But after three weeks, I'm still cut pretty deep about what I've thrown away.


So last night at work I had a row with one of the people who knows what I've done. Basically all he can muster up, every time he brings it up, is that after the first time I clawed my money back, I should of quit then. "I'd of stopped after that first time you got it all back". Cheers bud, sound advice. I told him, no you wouldn't. If you'd been gambling the sums of money I had for the continual length of time I had, you wouldn't of stopped at all. "Yes I would"... This is a guy that chases a hundred pound loss until he's nothing left. Telling me he'd of stopped. After I told him I was a compulsive gambler he even had the nerve to tell me I wasn't. This is what annoys me most I think. If I told people I was a drug addict they'd sympathise. When I tell people I'm a gambling addict they laugh and tell me I'm not...

But it's obvious I was never going to stop. Anyone with half a brain knew after everything I'd put myself through to get back to where I was, it was never going to be enough. There can never be too much. Only too little. After I'd made my money back, all I could think about was making more. Sure, I lasted about a week, bought a few luxury items, but I was always going to go back.

I needed that loss. People will never be able to wrap their heads round it. But I needed to lose it all before I could come to terms with what I am. If I still had that money in there, I'd still be gambling with it. That's a fact.


Great post Adam and spot on. We can never win enough and there is only too little.


Your post tells me that you have a real understanding of your problem, it took me 30 years to understand mine!!


You're also right when you say that you needed to lose it all before reality kicked in. I hope you wont be as stubborn as me and live for years thinking that you'll one day win everything back. I can save you a lot of wasted time and heartache by telling you straight that things only get worse if you gamble, they'll never get better. I think you know that deep down anyway.


I genuinely mean it when I say that you are doing great. You are faced with temptation every time you go to work, so I take my hat off to you for the way you're handling this.


Keep strong,


Charlster


SO much truth in that post Adam. So much self-understanding. I know that after my 'win' on Sunday, if I hadn;t told everyone I would have soon lost that and more. I still get thoughts berating myself for not trying to win more, but then I think "who's to say you would have won?" I am sure I would have lost it, and more, and then hated myself. ONly we understand this compulsion.


You're doing great, mate.


Some people like to poke fun Adam. Maybe your mate is a CG in denial?

I know a few people I confided in laughed in my face. Makes you feel a bit sorry you told them but that's Life . Some we win. Some we lose. You sure learn who your friends are when you're down!

Just give him the bird next time you see him Don't waste your breath arguing!


Cheers for the words people. He's a pretty big gambler himself. That's why I've been tight with him for a while. Swapping stories and sharing losses. A few months ago we went halves on the card machine. If your not familiar with the concept, you pay £1 and get one card. You then peel off 5 compartments and if you get three of the same in a line, you've won something. So we set off pouring money into it with the slim hope of getting the jackpot (£300). We were easily about £80 each into it already, as well as putting in the winnings from that run. After we'd got our latest batch, a little old woman, obviously watching what we were doing, goes and puts three pound coins in. You can guess what she got. I just looked at those three gold bars in a line as she handed it over and couldn't help but smile with acceptance. Partly because I didn't need to spend anymore. This fella was livid though. He was cursing her out all night. But there's a common expression that circulated this place between anyone that plays these machines. "You pay your money, you take your chance". It's that simple really. Hopefully I can "save my money, take my chance" to build a better future. A gamble free future.


Shit day today. Man U beat Liverpool. Gutted.

But not gambling! Way hay!


What a absolutely brilliant post. I think everything I've read in here hits the nail on the absolute head. So relatable. You're right though, about the drugs thing, it's funny how they get pity, we get brushed off. I think it's more people aren't sure how to react to gambling, it's not a sociably acceptable thing to know about (if that makes sense). Drugs you see talked about everywhere, so everybody has an opinion. Gambling is never talked about, the silent disease. It's difficult. Bit about myself. Recently come off a 5, nearly 6 year binge (I'll write a seperate post soon enough), I've won thousands, lost even more and I'm only 24. I've spunked 10,000 up the wall my Grandparents left me, something I will never live down as long as I live. The longer those days tick by, the better you feel. I like you Adam am extremely inpatient, I'm looking at my bank account thinking it's going to take a couple of years to get back to where I was, and you know what, so be it, I always wanted the nice things in life, the only way I'm getting that is by pure hard work, If it was ever going to be through gambling, if gambling was such an easy way to make money do you think any of us would be here? No. You've done brilliantly so far Adam. Don't let other people around you get you down. Do it for yourself, do it so you can turn around in a couple of years time and go you know what, I did it, I really fucking did it, and it's all through hard work. I guarantee you will feel better than any buzz you've ever won through gambling. I will keep an eye on your posts, even if I will not post myself. If you ever would like a chat, just drop my name in your post. I'll be sure to reply. Take care.


Cheers Southside. It's nice to see I'm not the only one. I'll keep you in mind. Been busy today so I'm just getting this in before midnight. Wanna keep my day counter going. It's the only thing keeping me sane through this voyage of acceptance. I was a bit gutted yesterday. I was speaking to my mum about my brother who had just bought a house. She was running through all the costs he's built up so far. Pretty much the whole 10,000 quid my grandparents left him. She reminded me not to make the same mistakes when I buy a house. It made me feel so low and ashamed...


well done on coming for help.. keep going, keep just not gambling a day at a time.. there is other help if you feel you need it, GA, counselling, filling your time with new hobbies.. posting here and reading, attending the groups here, the one on one line.. well done and keep going.. you are doing great


P


Quiet night at work tonight. The lad I mentioned in previous posts wasn't in tonight. I gather he put a LOT of money in the bandit last night and lost. Serves him right for belittling me the other day. Like someone said, CG in disguise. Hopefully he'll learn his own lessons and maybe he can have a better attitude when he talks to me next...


So that's 28 days. I guess thats 4 weeks. Then in theory thats a month! Pretty good start I'd say. Been selling some more stuff from my collection. I'm nearly on 3 grand saved. That's pretty good for a month. If only I'd put this much effort into saving before I'd lost it all. Silly boy. Living and learning!


Well done Adam!

Maybe the time will come when you can tell your work mate about GT.Every dog has his day!

Never look back!


Just getting on quick to keep my day counter going. 29 not out!


Day 30. Friday. Bit miffed as I'm working tonight on my day off. It's hard work being one of the only people good at my job. I'm finding at the moment that my days are being filled with thoughts of progress instead of negative thoughts about what I had, what I could of had and what I'll never have again. It's reassuring to me that I've managed to scrape together 3 grand in just over a month. It gives me real optimism about the future and hopefully I can continue on and make an even bigger more stable savings account. I'm also, for now, happy that I have the control to still play the tote and put to a joint lottery, knowing that I won't get out of hand. I know what my vices were and hopefully I'm managing to irradiate them...


Adam, that is amazing mate. You have really stuck this one out, and to save 3K in a month is quite astounding;-) At this rate you'll habe all your money back in no time as long as you stay away from the gamble.


Things aren't great for me, suffering massive depression at the chaos I;ve causd, but you have cheered me up mate. Thanks for posting. You've quit at the right time and as long as you stay away you'll be fine. But no complacency, that was my downfall the first few times I quit. It really sneaks back up on you, so watch out for the tote and lottery.


ALl the best mate and great post ;-)


Busy day at work today. Just updating to update! Long day out tomorrow in Liverpool.


Keep going Adam that is wonderful those days are adding up to weeks and a month.. good job.. just keep going for today.


P


Very cool but busy day and night yesterday in Liverpool. Didn't get chance to update, but I'm doing it now. Had a text off someone in my lottery syndicate. We won £150 between us. It's the most we've ever won but it's still only a few quid each. I'm not packing my things to move abroad just yet. Also, the win doesn't make me feel any gambling twitches. Maybe because it's a small amount. I don't know. Maybe because I've just spent £160 in Liverpool in one day. Either way, I think I'm gonna be ok... Cheers again for the words guys. Peace.


Shit day today. Was in work at half 8 for the Thwaites delivery. Coors were supposed to turn up between half 8 and half 12. So I've cleaned the lines and waited 4 hours for them not to show up. So I went home for what will now only be a 2 hour break. Then at 2 o'clock they ring me up. "Hello, it's Coors with your delivery"... Leave it outside or take it back... You've arsed me about enough today, I ain't coming back now!

So that annoyed me. Then I had a delivery from Same Day Beers at 4. Not actually sure what the Steward does for his money! Anyway, I just counted my tips I save in a jar at work. £76 in pound coins I have. Usually this would signal the round up rule. The round up rule as we all know (or maybe not) is when I have an odd amount of money, you gamble the odds. So in this case, save £70 and put £6 in the bandit. But of course as we all know, once I've lost that £6... And I will... It's time to carry on the round up rule.

£70 left, so I'll just put a tenner in and I've got £60 left...

I'll just put another tenner in coz £50 is even rounder!

Ok well silly not to do a last tenner coz then I've got two £20 notes...

Last bag! Definitely last bag of 20, then I've at least got a £20 note in my back pocket...

Well I've come this far, all or nothing...


Nothing...


But not today! It's all still there. I'll be needing it.


Treasure those "tips" Adam! You are doing great. £76 is a fortune! Equal to hundred euro!!!!

My "round up rule"always involved €50 notes!!!!

I still cringe when I think of the owners emptying those machines and laughing all the way to the bank!

I forgot to kiss it goodbye!!


Hi Adam, I think th thing that is helping you most is your new attitude towards gambling. You no longer accept the arguments that you used to persuade yourself to gamble more.


It's good that the lottery win didn't have much of an impact on your emotions. This shows that gambling is becoming less important to you than it was in the past.


At work there will be good days and bad days but if all days are gamble-free than the bad days will be less bad.


Cheers Vera and very true Waynes. I like to think my attitude has changed. I still get it every day from the regular gamblers that go in my workplace. Telling me it's worth a go on such a machine and why aren't I playing this and doing that. I'm trying to explain to these people that I'm putting it behind me, but with so many other instances of me saying I'm done they tend to take it with a pinch of salt. The guy who knows what I've done who ive mentioned before wasn't in last night. Blew a fortune in here on Monday night. I wonder if he'll learn his lesson? Probably not, but that's up to him I guess. My opening time regular has just finished his daily loss of around £100. Why didn't I see these things more clearly the last few times I'd tried to stop. Probably the shock of the amount this time has effected me more than anything else. I'm becoming like one of those reformed smokers who gets on their high horse when they see people smoking. I'm starting to dislike the people who gamble and try to associate with me over it...

In other news my brothers house is nearly ready for him to move in. This will start a reshuffle of accommodation for my family. The point being, I'll be living alone soon, maintaining a house that I probably can't afford to. I'm going to be spending roughly 2 weeks wages a month on staying alive... Gonna really test my ability to carry on saving money. Of course, this being said, all the conversations usually end on my eventual own house. My parents are saying I won't make the mistakes my brother did and my money will go further. At the end of the day, they've no idea I couldn't afford to buy a shed with a bed inside at the moment... I guess when the time comes that they wanna sell the house and I have to buy my own, we'll have much to discuss.


Keep going forwards.. dont look back.. only to remember the pain gambling caused you to keep it real.. keep going, day by day just dont gamble today.. you can get through today.. if you relapse have a look at what things you can do to prevent it next time.. well done on coming here and starting your journey to a gamble free life


P


Feeling a bit meh today. I'm coming to the end of things I want to sell to raise funds. Trouble is, I'm still 15 grand short of my target. I know it needs to be a gradual thing and a building process. My personality wants instant results though. I've mentioned before, patience isn't a virtue I possess...


Nice to have a day off on my day off... Just having a lazy day today.


Hi Adam, just wondering if you have thought about sharing a flat with someone for a time so you will be able to put more savings away to help you reach your goal of buying your own place some day? I realize you would need to have the dreaded talk with your folks, but my experience is that "the conversation" takes a huge burden off. Your parents will still be your parents after they know your dirty secret, and they will still love you. You may get a lecture or some angry words, but it will pass fairly quickly, i believe. Once they understand the situation they may decide its best to sell the place when your brother moves out. They will understand that you will need some cheaper accommodations until you get your savings built up. They will be happy in seeing you owning your mistakes and trying to make amends. Staying in a place you can't afford is very stressful, and could lead to relapse because your old gambling personality may come back to overpower your new personality by saying "the only way for you to get out of this pickle is with a big win".


The conversation will need to happen sometime, right? Why not have it today and slay that dragon? Recovery is hard. It requires vulnerability. It requires admitting we made huge mistakes to the people we least want to disappoint. But after some initial discomfort, the results are a deep sense of happiness and inner peace.


All the best to you in your journey.


I know what your saying. But I think I need more time being their son before I'm their degenerate gambler son. I Know I'm being selfish but it's just how I feel at the moment. My carrying the burden seems better than sharing it with them. They shouldn't have to put up with my shit. I'm sure eventually when the talk comes, I'll of built up my savings more and achieved an amount of clean days I can be proud of myself. At the moment I don't see what I've done as anything to be proud of. I'll be happy when I've gone 6 months. Or a years better. At the moment I still feel like a relapse is right round every corner. Just gotta keep going straight.


Jesus, it's like these people are mocking me. Was talking to my parents over tea and the subject of a lad my dad knows came up. He goes in my workplace and was and is a heavy gambler. He was for a long time my running buddy on the bandits at work. There had been many occassions I'd let him stay after I'd locked up and we'd put hundreds in the machines. Anyway, my dads askin about him and of course asks if he's still gambling. I said I don't gamble with him anymore and haven't for a long time. I did however mention he'd lost about £400 last week one night. My mother was disgusted at the amount he'd wasted. So once again, my choice not to share my secret has been reaffirmed.


Hi Adam. Just catching up on your thread .. Well done !! U ate doing amazingly well.

I know what you mean about mocking you. It's like people can see through to your "shame"... Well for me anyway .

i am really struggling myself at the moment.. Could you tell me what you are thinking which is keeping you in the gamble free zone ..


Keep working at your recovery . Don't worry about others . It is so motivating to read of our success..


I'm not really sure what it is that's stopping me gambling mentally. I still get the odd feeling at work to just try a few quid. It's possibly because my gambling was so focused on one thing and that was the video bandits. Once I blocked my computer ones, all I need to do is steer clear at work. I also think theres part of me that's thinking, "enjoy this while you can, you know your gonna be back on them eventually". Therefor I don't think I'm in any position to give out advice. I wish you luck though. I know its not something you can turn on and off so I hope you can find something that helps keep your mind busy.

Also, I know it's only a small thing, but coming on here every day JUST to add a number to my days helps. Those days amounting up makes me feel like I'm winning.


It's a great habit that you have to come back every day and check in. I can't imagine working in a place with gambling machines, that must be really tough. I admire your resolve to stay gamble free. It never stops with just one bet, and it always leads to disaster for us doesn't it? I have gotten to thinking about the point of it all and what I would be trying to achieve by betting again. I know that I will never win what I lost, and I know the house always wins, so it has really taken the thrill of trying away from me. I guess I am finally learning. Learning but forever vigilant! I am pulling for you, it's great to see your success!


It's hard at times sure. Every time, EVERY time I lock up the bandits at night I subconciously touch my back pocket to see if there's any money in there. I just need to make sure I turn them off quickly before my mind starts ticking. I've stood in front of them before with a note in my hand just running over the odds in my head. Before I know it I've been stood there 10 minutes. I used to play a silly game with myself. Because the machines note intake is a bit dodgy, it often spits notes back out. I used to challenge myself, if it spits the note back out, that's the universes way of telling me not to play. But the sad thing is, I'd find myself going best out of three with a bloody machine. I remember doing it a lot. I don't remember ever taking the universes advice...


oh my, I played this silly game with myself tonight! and btw, I didn't take universe's advice either.... crazy antics of a gambler I suppose..... keep up the good work Adam26, I read all your posts and you are a huge inspiration to me :-)


Reading your post makes me laugh because it's absurd and absolutely brilliant at the same time.


I often heard people comment "The machine doesn't want my money" when the tenner or twenty was "spat back"!

My reaction to that was " I will insert only €50 notes". I hadn't the patience to deal with "spitting back"!

Ever think of changing your job, Adam?

Being alone with bandits is very dodgy for a CG! I suppose you will survive by NEVER carrying money in your back pocket.....


Congrats on your time gamble free.. i admire everyone who can stay away from them even for a day at a time. Its a struggle sometimes others its easier.

Well done to you. Keep going.


P


I've thought about leaving my job, sure. But I didn't do very well in school, partly down to terrible short term memory and mostly down to laziness. My mate got me a job glass collecting after I left school. It was supposed to be while I found a full time job but after I handed in my notice at 18, they asked if I wanted hours on the bar. So I stayed and worked every hour I could get on the bar. At 21 I handed my notice in again only to be asked to stay a bit longer as a favour because they were short staffed. At 22 I became the youngest under steward they'd had... I guess I've just kinda settled into the place. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I've never made a CV, never had a proper job interview. They've just kinda looked after me here so I feel like I owe it to the place to stay on. I'm constantly told I'm the only useful member of staff so it could only get worse if I left...

Anyway, the guy I've mentioned a lot on here had a good night last night. He won the £500 jackpot, went back on and won another £250. Usually this would fill me with so much hate for the person that's just taken "MY" money! But I guess I was kinda happy for him after a couple of bad weeks. Although as we know, it's only a loan... and I'm sure he'll pay his "loan" back into the bandits soon enough.

As for me, I'll use the £10 tip he gave me to guy a kebab and celebrate 6 weeks!


Last day of the snooker season today. I hate snooker season because it means I have to work the games room bar. I'm here to work, not sit and watch people slap balls about with big sticks. I usually end up coming upstairs to help out the boss on the main bar. Trouble is, even though I'll sit there doing nothing for twenty minutes, Sod's law states that 'as soon as you leave a bar unmanned for more than 12 seconds, someone will want a drink'. So I just end up getting abuse... That being said, I'm glad it's all over tonight. For now...


You have great potential Adam. Don't narrow your options!

Loyalty is a good trait!

Keep your eyes off that other pundit. Keeping track of his wins could be tempting. Remember CGs never win!


Yea I know. I could hear people playing the 20p bandit last night. The coins going straight through the hop and into the box below. Shouting out to anyone with a trained ear "PLAY ME I'M READY TO DROP". Didn't bother me too much though. Possibly because I know it would take hours and probably about 200 quid to drop the £250. It's just not worth the effort sometimes. That being said, it's not worth ruining the decent run of days I'm on. I'll be on 100 days in no time. Then who knows. I might actually accomplish something I've never done since wasting my first pound... Go a whole year!

Can it be done? We shall see...


Saturday, Saturday, Saaaaaaturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saaaaaturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday Nights Alright!

Anyway, enough of Elton. It's Saturday again. Boss is off this weekend so I'm large and in charge. Extra time to be alone with those dastardly bandits! I keep thinking, if I just play that 20p bandit, I know I'll drop it. Worst case scenario, I only win a little bit. 20-30 quid. Best case, 200-220 quid. But that's not the point. It's what it leads to that's the problem. So for now, I'll leave it alone. Working on a deal to sell some items for £550. Another missive step back towards where I want to be. Or should I say a massive step forwards...


It's great to read your thread and especially how you are having the "what it leads to" discussion with your self before the gambling monster takes over. In the end, what is the result? We know that over time, no matter how "lucky" we are initially, that the house always wins, and it's not even close.


Then there is the psychological damage it inflicts. Feeling that we must go back after a winning or losing session. Having every other thought and idea and well intentioned plan be pushed to the side so that we can get back to our addiction.


Good on you for thinking it through each time and making the right decision for 45 days in a row. It's a huge temptation I'm sure working where you do. On the other hand maybe seeing so many people blow so much money every day after giving it up yourself perhaps gives you a new perspective?


Anyway, awesome job, you are an inspiration.


Seeing people lose definitely helps. Seeing people walk over and put a tenner in and win a few hundred sometimes makes me a bit twitchy. It gives you that, that could of been me idea. But then I guess I could of been the guy before the winner who had to be the loser. It's all mental and I just need to stay rational.

It's Sunday today. I've been in since half 10. I usually go home at 1 but since I'm in charge this weeken I'm here till 6. Sweet Jesus it's boring! The weather doesn't help, but I've had two people in for the last hour. There's only so much you can look at on eBay to pass the time. Never know why I look on eBay so much when I'm trying to save... But I always do...


Just checking in. Not feeling great today.


These feeling are normal Adam, but we usually gamble to make them go away. You are normal - it means sometimes we feel bad. But what we shouldn't do is think that gambloing is an escape from these feelings. This is what I did - gamble when I felt bad, thinking that's what I needed. Like a shot of heroin to a junkie - all it does is prolong the feelings. Now I try to understand the, knowing that people feel good, feel bad, feel up and down. I am looking forward to being normal again.


Have a great gamble free day mate.


I know what you mean. I think I had some of my worst gambling sprees after an argument or a fall out with someone. Thinking it might cheer me up. I inevitably never did! Although this has happened many times previous, last night was more to do with some dodgy food I believe. Something I'm still feeling the effects of today.

Got in work at half 8 this morning. Cleaned the lines. Thwaites delivery came on time. Just sat about now waiting for Coors to turn up. This pisses me off to extreme levels as I usually finish at half 10 and go back at 3. These assholes will have me waiting till half 12 and still not turn up, completely wasting my day. It's obviously not enough that I'm here till midnight, they gotta suck away my only real break time! This is the kind of boring, annoying shit that would push me towards the bandit to pass the time. Fortunately they're still locked up from the night before, but I could easily open them should I see fit...

I guess it just annoys me how I'd got my days perfectly planned out, now somebody's dropped this on my lap and it's just irritating as shit! They're still not here. Why would they be? Gonna stop ranting now... Got a lot of waiting about to do!


What a drag waiting around when you could be doing something, anything for yourself but instead have to kill t!me at work.


I find myself getting annoyed all the time when things are "supposed to" go a certain way but do not. I try to remember that life is never predictable and I need to not !et circumstances bring me down,but I suck at that.


Anyway, hang in there, I continue to be amazed at your commitment to recovery.


I managed to make it through yesterday without smashing anything to bits. Coors came at half 11 and everything was semi fine with the world. Still feel a bit funny, but that might be coz I'm put off by food at the moment.

I hit a small bump in my savings road today. I'd just moved over £200 of my wages into my savings when an offer impossible to turn down (to someone like me) presented itself. I'm a football fan. I'm a Liverpool fan. Anyone in my lifetime will tell you that the 25th of May 2005 was the highlight of their supporting life. When Liverpool lifted the European cup for a fifth time. Now, to anyone like me, who has an interest in signed Liverpool memorabilia will tell you... 2005 items signed by the whole squad are like rocking horse shit! In the group I'm part of, out of however many hundreds of us there are, there's maybe 4 or 5 of us who have items fully signed by the squad. Notice I said US dear reader. Mine is a champions league shirt worn by John Arne Riise in the semi against Chelsea. It's something I'm desperate never to have to sell. Anyway, to mark the 10 year anniversary next month 5times and Jamie Carragher's charity are doing a run of 500 prints signed by the whole squad who will be over for the anniversary celebration night. For the princely sum of £295 I could own one of these prints...

and I will!


And u deserve it! I bet you feel great actually buying something with your money


So I did something a bit (maybe) silly last night. The 20p bandit in the club, as I've mentioned before, always lets the gamblers know when it's ready to pay. Last night, it was ready to pay. So a big gambler I know and used to gamble with a lot decided he'd go for it. So he did, and quickly ran out of cash. I know he's good for it, so I was happy to lend him the money till he dropped it. The thing is, it took him ages, and when I was clearing up at the end of the night, he was still there! Quite often he'd be the only person left and he'd be so sick of playing it, he'd let me take over. Last night was no exception and before I even had chance to think about it, he'd gone to the toilet and asked me to play it. I found myself right back in the groove like I'd never stopped. Took about 10 minutes before I dropped the £250 for him.

Two things I can take away from this though.

1) It wasn't my money, so I had no financial gain or loss.

2) I haven't had a single temptation to do it again.

Is this progress, I like to think so...


Gosh Adam, you live dangerously! To me you're playing a dangerous game, but we're all built differently, but just beware, this thing can hook you back in when you least expect it.


There seems to be a resilience about you, but it's a game of brinkmanship I personally wouldn't dare play.


Still, you're to be commended on your progress thus far.


All the best,


Charlster


Adam I been reading your post and you are doing great please please keep it up .


Adam, I think what you did was a step in the wrong direction. It doesn't take from all your excellent progress so this is not a judgement (The kettle can't call the pot black!!)

Gambling takes hold of us even when we act passively! It could be very tempting for a CG to "play someone else's machine!"

Funny, when I gamble. I would go ballistic if anyone touched my machine!

I would be very possessive!


I know what your all saying. But we all have our vices and I know what mine is. It's a very dangerous and very risky game to play, but I need to control my own demons. For me it is and always has been bandits and video slots. Nothing else! If I can control my urges around them I can do anything. I understand it wasn't my wisest move, but I'm happy knowing that at this moment in time, it hasn't effected my attitude towards staying away! I've no desire to play for myself or with my own money!

Adam 1-0 Gambling


A while back I decide that instead of saving my tips as pound coins and taking them home, I'd save them as pound coins at work. Then when I had enough to make a £20 bag of ones I'd change it to a twenty note. Then save the notes in a tin in the safe. The plan being to pay my rent with it or just save up to a grand then stick it into the bank. I'm currently on £260 which is pretty good considering some of the stingy gits that drink in my club!


Good of you to share this experience of playing the machine for the customer while he went to the toilet. Hard to say if it is progress or regression in recovery. I have no idea, but what I do know is that it is great you chose to share the experience rather than hide it.


It always takes guts to put stuff like this out there, because some may choose to call you out, or express a judgment. I would never do that. I believe we all have our own path to follow and it is our right and choice alone to figure out what we should do along the way.


The important thing is to reflect on our own actions and decide on our own what to do next, without being controlled by anything or anyone other than ourselves. Cheers and excellent work on your recovery so far. It's great that you post each day, I get a lot out of reading your posts, hope you keep it up!


I know what your saying and I also appreciate people's comments and advice. But to be honest, I'm doing this for me, so any negative feedback would be met the same way as positive feedback. As I mentioned before though, I know what my vices are and if ever I come to the day where I'm using my own money to gamble on a machine with the intention of winning for my own benefit, it'll be the next thing I post about on here. I know what I need to stop doing and so far, in my eyes, I've stopped doing it. Sure, I play a risky game at times but I like to test myself occasionally. Anyway, cheers for the comments people. I don't consider myself an inspiration but if people like reading, then I'll keep posting.


Noting much to report today. Just checking in. Didn't get paid today. Had to take some money out my savings to cover a few outgoings. Need to concentrate more on saving! Bought a few things recently I didn't need.


Tuesday again. Delivery day again. Got in at half 8. Thwaites got in at 9. Cleaned the lines. Finished at half 10. Stuck waiting for Coors again. I thought, sod it, I'll clean one of tomorrow's beers to save me a bit of time. Connected up in the cellar. The second... THE SECOND, I flicked the beer on to the line cleaner, the delivery wagon pulls up! So obviously I've committed myself to cleaning the beer. I can't leave it in line cleaner or it'll taint the line. So I had to stop an extra 40 minutes while I cleaned it. Bloody typical man.

Reminds me of a time (many times) I used to play the bandits after I'd finished my morning jobs. I'd often play straight through my break, missing dinner, chasing losses. More often than not, 3 o'clock would roll round and it was time to open the doors. Problem was, I'd be down and not ready to accept defeat. I'd be running between the bar serving people, and the bandit, losing money. Being there by myself obviously didn't win me any fans with the customers. Especially one chap that would come in every day, bang on 3 o'clock to play the bandit for half an hour whilst drinking exactly one and a half pints of bitter. There has been a few occasions I'd be playing and he'd get arsey with me to move on. His right of course, I shouldn't of been on there. There's more than one (probably more like ten) occasion I can think of where I've ended up giving in and he's dropped a couple/few hundred quid. Basically everything I'd just put in. It made me hate him. Daft thing is, he's a lovely bloke and I've got all the time in the world for him. But when (and this is another true story) I've put about £200 in the card machine, gone through all the trouble of individually buying each ticket and opening it, only to watch him walk through the door, put five pound coins in and drop the £300 jackpot... It really used to chap my ass.

Anyway, thankfully I'm over it for now. He still comes in every day. Still spends a fortune. And I still think he's a nice bloke.


So weird I mentioned the guy who comes in every day in my last update. He came in today (obviously) and told me he'd been diagnosed with cancer. Really puts things into perspective. He's got to be nearly 80. All his life has been the last few years has been looking after his wife, who has dementia. The 30 minutes a day he comes in here are the only time he gets to himself. Pretty shitty news to hear, but he's upbeat about it. I guess he has to be. He has a wife to take care of after all so I'm sure he'll beat it just for her sake.

On a different note, I've been reading through a few other journals. Not really feeling the need to comment much at this point. I still don't think I know enough about my own addictions to be able to comment on others. Maybe there's no right or wrong answers. Just different levels of support.


Hey Adam


your spot on with this line "Maybe there's no right or wrong answers. Just different levels of support." the reason gambling therapy works so well is that the community support each other.


The diversity of the members, the different stages of recovery, male, female, age etc doesn't stop anyone supporting.


Keep supporting Adam, without the Adam's, Mav, P & K's the site just wouldnt be the same


So another Wednesday night just rolled by. Same as every week, I'm always in fear the same guys gonna get a taste for the bandit after I've shut the bar. He only dropped it last week yet here he was again. I told him straight I was out the door at midnight, no questions asked. So at 5 past midnight he's spent all his money and he's askin to borrow. He likes to try and entice me to stay by letting me play for him. I wasn't in the mood for any bullshit last night and so I just slid my hand down the side of the machine, and turned it off. His face dropped like a ton of turd.

I did tell him though...

I forgot to mention that yesterday was 8 weeks without wasting a penny (except buying WWE 2K15... What a piece of shit). That's about two months in my books. Still not happy with that though. Still not happy with the money I've managed to save. I need to do more! I need to keep this going!


Adam, in the GA book there is a section called JUST FOR TODAY. I am not sure if you go to GA or not, so I will paraphrase.


Just for today I will not try and fix my whole life problem at once. I could do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt I had to keep it up a lifetime.


Just for today I will be happy. This assumed to be true what Abraham Lincoln said that most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be.


Just for today I will not gamble.


There are others but the first is the one. If you start to get impatient you might get the urge to gamble again, just make a bit of quick money. You are doing so well mate (even for a Liverppol fan) and you post such clear, honest posts. I love it when you post and I do dread the day to read when one of my very dear friends on here slips, and I pray people pick themselves back up quickly. The money will mount up - be patient.


Mate, I am 42 and have nothing. I have to live on an overdraft for the next 3 months - I can't work as I am going to GMA. My business is gone, my wife is leaving etc etc etc. But wierdly I am happy. I can accept these things because they are what they are. I did this. I have had so much self pity for so long I have run out and something seems to have clicked in me. I am moving into the honeymoon period. I must be careful.


Have a great night mate, and keep up the good work. I really look up to you.


Mav


I think it was risky playing the machine for some one else but we are all different, if you felt that was ok for you so be it. its your recovery, for mine if i had done that i would not be here to tell the tale i would still be there! well done on your honesty, i guess you know how it effects you and if that is something you want or not.. its not for me to judge, i just know for me i cant gamble fullstop there is no grey area, its black or white.. gamble or dont gamble.. for some people they can do that but i am not one of those people, which is the reason i am here..

Congrats on your gamble free time and good on you for continuing to post and being real..


P


Thanks for the comments guys. I know my inpatients could be my downfall but it's not something I've got much control over. Had another stumbling block in my savings path today. Was offered some Stevie Gerrard match worn boots. Although they're a big wedge, I have to have them. I've wanted a pair for years and they come around very rarely. I guess I'll have to save the saving for another week. :P


Saturday again! There's one lady at the chippy that really knows how to get my day off to a good start. Everyone in the places gives me the large trey with extra chips. This one woman always gives me the small trey with less chips. My face drops when I see she's working. I know she's only doing her job, but I like my Saturday chippy damn it!

There's also a security monitor behind the bar that's on its last legs. Every few minutes it cuts off and makes a ticking noise until you walk over and turn it off and on again. Not a big deal? Try having to do it every few minutes. I'd rip it off the wall and throw it out the back door if I could get away with it. It's making it difficult to eat the 17 chips I've got for my dinner.

Check me out. Such first world problems I have! But I'm sure I'm not the only one that would be driven to gambling by the smallest of trivial shit. I know for a fact that as I type this at 13:55, if this were a few months ago and I didn't have this journal to talk to myself, I'd be standing in front of that bandit right now.


A whole 17 chips!! Ever thought of saying to her, "That will do for starters, but where's the main course?" Haha


Sounds like that security monitor is like Japanese torture.


Funny post, have a great day mate.


Charlster.


Sunday. Ugh. Boring Sunday. Had our club AGM today. Things are actually getting a bit better at work, therefor nothing to bitch about, and so, not many people turned up! Pretty boring morning. It's the evening shift now and equally boring. I'm writing now because this is the first time, in a long time, I've been SO bored at work, that I've looked around at who's in and then longingly towards the bandits. Usually I'd look at the two people in the far window and the two people on the right side and the four round the corner and think, I can get away with this. The bandit is right next to a through door and if anyone gets up I can run round before they know I'm missing. Also, it's 7 o'clock. So I've got about an hour to play before it gets a bit busier and the boss comes back. Maybe I'll just start with a twenty note. But keep another 80 notes in my back pocket just in case I need to chase it. Every fibre in my being would absolutely love to play that bandit right now. I hadn't noticed but my mouth has gone dry. Not sure what that's all about.

But I can't do it. Well I mean, I can. I'd love to. But I can't. I won't... So for now, I'll just have a Coke and a smile. I'm sure I'll be posting tomorrow still on course.


Brilliant post mate. I'm feeling more clear headed than for a long time, due to me being 25 days clear, but I feel massive regret for what I've lost. We were packing the office up today. My head, the addict in denial, still keeps telling me that I can save my company - but it's too late for that. I have my appointment at GMA and I have to remember the state I have been in this year - absolutely wrecked mentally and physically.


I am starting to realise that I will have to live with this forever, I need some techniques to overcome what I have done and to make sure, should new opportunities arise in the future, that I can stay away from all forms of gambling. I look back to how I was last year, and parts of this year, and I was a complete slave to gambling. I just couldn't stop, I had no control over it. It did something to my brain chemistry which made me forget about everything else.


Hats off to you Adam, for being able to do it. Day 60 in GA would get you a second keyring. Great work mate.


Cheers Mav. I do like a good keyring. Sorry to hear about your business being beyond saving. Happy to hear you've gone 25 days though. Things were getting much clearer for me around that time too. I managed to stay off them yesterday. Well, not managed, I knew I couldn't allow myself to do it. Day off today. Chilling out.


Thanks Adam. It's all go at the moment, seeking the help I need. Maybe my business doesn't need to go under, maybe it does. The key thing is that I work hard on my recovery and make the plans I need to make.


Well done mate on 61 days. You should maybe think about starting going to GA, they are good meetings and it helps to be able to talk to people. The 12 step programme is a good programme, one I am looking forward to starting once I hit 90 days gamble free in 65 days. Today would have nee day 43 - ho hum.


Take care and enjoy your day off.


Cheers pal. Not sure GA is something I'd be able to commit myself to. I work a lot and couldn't change my days to the Wednesday I believe I would need off. See, I've looked it up in the past at least, when I was at my lowest. At the moment I'm just focussed on work and saving. I don't have much of a social life. I spend my days off with my partner and I'm happy with that. I've never been tight in the past though so I think that might be showing a bit.


Busy day today. Once upon a time, I had the bright idea I was going to make these big feature boards for work advertising new products and prices. That escalated into the bar front and back being covered in prices. Only problem is, once I'd displayed this talent, it was there to take advantage of. The yeay price increase was today, so I've had to go around changing all the prices. Sounds easy enough. I seriously can't be arsed going into detail so I'll just say this... It isn't! I was at it at 3 till 7 and I'm back at it now. Serving people in between. This might sound like I'm moaning... It's because I am!

On a lighter note, it's been 9 weeks today. There's currently the big man on the bandit who's asked me no fewer than 4 times if we're going halves. I've continually told people I'm staying off them yet the gamblers always ask me if I wanna go in with them. It's like they don't believe me, or maybe they just know it won't last. Maybe they're right. For now all I can do is politely say no, rudely say no, resort to violence... Ok maybe not. He's a big guy this one. Anyway. Nine weeks and counting. This time next week will be ten weeks for those of you with a maths degree.


Your action clearly shows you have no indication to gamble again so pat your self on the back for that .

Changing prices now that sounds boring but it seems like you managed to overcome this boring task . Good luck for tmr x


Very busy day today. I pulled off a major jewelry heist in the morning. Helped a sweet British couple collect celebrity memorabilia. Went hunting for elk with a friend. Saved my daughter from an exploitation game show. Stole a great many cars...

Ok, so I've just sat in bed playing Grand Theft Auto all day. But I've not had an afternoon to myself for a while. No rest for the wicked though. Back in work now until closing. Lucky me!


Oh i totally freaked out when i read that first part of your post.. i thought no that poor elk firstly, im a bit of an animal lover..

then i thought wow you are in trouble.. i am so glad its in grand theft auto and not in real life.. well done on your gamble free time, keep it up, stay aware and keep posting


P


Had a horrible dream last night. A dream I've had before. I dream we've all had... I was gambling again.

Is it a dream, or is it a nightmare? I specifically remember I was playing on the bandit at work. It was the 20p bandit, not the pound one. Obviously the dream Adam is a bit tighter than the real one. Anyway, I can remember playing away, pumping coin after coin in, then suddenly, I wasn't me. I'd turned into an onlooker who was questioning me about why I'd gone back to it after so long. I remember feeling a certain amount of disappointment for this person in front of me that had just blown all that good work. But the one thing I can't remember about the dream... The excuse. Because I had one. I know I had one and I was laying it on thick. But for the life of me I can't remember what I'd used to justify being back!

On a lighter note I spent £50 on some perfume for the lady. I've not treated her for a long time. I can remember the last time. It was January. We went to Liverpool and I bought her a ring and a new bag. About a week later i lost everything I had...


You're a good lad Adam, great way to start the bank holiday weekend.


Keep it going, you've got everything going for you and you've got plenty of time on your side.


Have a good weekend,


Charlster


Oh those gambling dreams are wicked arent they. I have had times where i wake and felt disappointed that i had relapsed, then realized it was a dream, but it took a minute, its a weird feeling. I think its normal for those dreams to happen, must be part of us letting the gambling go maybe? withdrawals.. our subconscious dealing with it? whatever they are not fun are they. Nice one on the perfume well done. Keep moving forward just a day at a time


P


Bank holiday weekend again. I wasn't in last night but I hear it was packed at work. Guess I'm gonna have to actually do some work for my wages for a change. Ugh! Need to get some money in my savings last week was the first week I took out instead of putting in. Need to get back on track.


Productive day at work. I've spent the last hour defacing a campaign poster for our local MP so he looks like Batman. I believe Batman's morale message is something we can all get behind.


Day 68. Just checkin in to check in. Not much happening right now.


Proper annoyed again today. What kind of time slot is 8:30 until 12:30. I officially hate Coors! Just had a call from them saying they'll be here in half an hour. That'll take it to 12:30 exactly. So I'll get home about 1. Which is pointless coz I have to be back here at 3. Seriously does my head in that the days so poorly planned out that obviously doesn't concern anyone else since it only effects me. The most annoying thing is, it'll probably only be a couple of barrels yet they won't leave it down the side. Someone has to be here. Some mug!


Day 70 today. I've made it 10 weeks now. If I can manage to save up as much money in the next ten weeks I'll be on my way to getting half my savings back. It gives me a lot of hope that the two years I gave myself to save it back up could be cut considerably down. All this without playing a single gambling machine to further (reduce) my income!

I've been making early plans for us to go and stay at Alton Towers for a couple of days. Could probably go to Spain for a week and it would cost less, but I do enjoy a good thrill ride.


Well done on your gamble free time that is wonderful.. make sure the money you are saving is safe.. many times people save and save and then blow it in a gambling session. Even if you feel totally safe now make sure that money is somehow safe.. not being negative just the reality of addiction and what i have learnt so far.. you are doing so well.. the time up is great, the longer away from gambling you are the better.. well done


P


Election Day today... Hope you've all voted. Being a senior member of staff at a Conservative Club. I of course, encourage you all, to vote Labour.

Only joking... Or am I?

No...

But?

Have a nice day.


Had to go into town today. I'd saved £50 to take with me as I needed a few bits. When I got to town I realised I'd left it in my work pants! I'd got £60 left in my bank account so I've tried to make it without having to go all the way back and get my cash. I've managed to just about get the stuff other people asked for. But nothing for myself. I didn't need anything to be fair, but I glanced over at the massive arcade in our town centre and remembered a time when I was just a kid when I used to judge my day on how much stuff I'd bought myself. Only thing was, it would also relate to how much I'd won gambling. Most trips to town when I was a kid consisted of a few games of bowling, £1 burger and chips, then a few quid on the bandit in the games room of the bowling alley. I can remember that the machine was themed around grapes. 9 times out of 10 we'd get the jackpot which was about 25 quid. Then depending on how lucky we felt, we'd either go spend it on clothes or videos (remember videos?) or we'd head to the next arcade to test the waters on a few more machines. Quite sad to think that in certain places (the piers) we'd subconciously remove our money and stuff it in our socks. Just in case someone decided we looked easy enough to take advantage of. Either way looking back on it, it was quite a sad way to spend my youth, but very enjoyable at the time.


I keep asking myself if I need to post on here every day... There's plenty of occasions where I just log on and don't have anything to say. I think my attitude perked after a couple of weeks so I'm in a better place now mentally. But then I have days like today, when it's so quiet at work my fingers just get really itchy. The old boy that plays the bandit just came in. He got the bonus of 3 boxes on the bandit. You pick a box and win an amount of money. He picked £100. A good win you'd say. The other two boxes had £500 in them. He was gutted. I'd be immediately interested hearing that news. That jackpot will now drop in the next few days. Just needs someone to invest in it. That someone used to be me.

I think I forgot to mention also, last week at out AGM. The accounts show that gambling machine income was at an all time high. I'd absolutely love it if this can last me until next year and we find out that profits are down on them. That would highlight to me how bad my problems were.


You may think that you have nothing to say, but I like reading your posts. Saying nothing sometimes speaks volumes, because it means you've had another gamble free day which makes me chipper and I'm sure others on here follow your progress closely.


Frightening how much those machines turnover every year. When you think of how much you've put in there alone, it must be a gold mine to the company you work for. Others that play it will probably have put £1000's into it themselves, though you'll only ever hear them talk about their winnings.


You're trying to ride this out bearing the full burden of what you've done on your own shoulders, so I personally would always use this site or a similar site as some sort of outlet and release. It will help to keep you on your guard and will hopefully prevent a moment of complacency.


Keep it going mate, you're doing brilliantly.


Charlster.


Been a quiet day today. Just got back to work after watching Liverpool in my break. Not a bad result 1-1 at Stamford Bridge. Needed 3 points though. Thought it was nice to see the Chelsea fans out in force making the club proud. You've just won the league, today is your crowning, what do you take to the game!? A plastic card of Gerrard slipping. Of course you do. Celebrate winning the league by mocking a legend who made a mistake A YEAR AGO, to give the league title to MAN CITY! What a class bunch of fans! Every credit. Anyway, rant over. There's a terrible singer on tonight so I already know it's not gonna be busy. Now there's something to look forward to.

Thanks for the lift by the way Charlster.


Busy day yesterday, hence the no show. Possibly only the second time I've forgotten to update this daily. I was having a cleaning session that just got out of hand. I'm talking hardcore cleaning here people! Seems that due to conflicting work schedules, we most likely won't be going to Alton Towers. I guess it's money saved. The boss is going on holiday next month, so I'll have to work every day being that I'm the only other key holder. So I'll most likely be doing a minimum of 17 straight days. But it's s few extra quid in the bank...

Anyway, enough of that, it's Tuesday morning...

WHERE THE HELL ARE COORS!!??


Gutted today. Limited tickets went on sale this morning for Gerrard's last match at Anfield this Saturday. I managed to grab one but since it's such short notice I can't get the time off work. It's the end of an era and I'm not going to be there! So I'm beyond pissed off about that.

Last night the regular gambler was on the machine again. He spent about 2-3 hundred quid and didn't get a sniff. Usually this would prompt me to have a dabble in the morning. Something about the machine taking so much money always told me that there was a chance it would pay out the next morning once the machine had been reset. It made me sweat over it a bit this morning. I keep thinking if I hit it at the right time I can get a couple of hundred. But then I remember that there will never be a 'right time' again. A little will always turn into a lot with me so there's no point thinking about it. But I still do... Anyway, the old boy who plays it in the morning had a go today. He didn't win anything. Theory blown right out of the water!

I also had an argument again with the lad that knows what I did. He always says the same thing. "If you'd just stopped the first time you won it back you'd have 19 grand now. You should of stopped when I told you to stop". He just doesn't listen to my argument. I'd been heavily gambling thousands a day for nearly a month! If I'd won 50 grand I wouldn't of been able to stop. There was never gonna be enough. The only way I was stopping was if there was nothing to play with. At the end of the day, I lost it all and hence lost the means of playing... It's such a shitty, harsh life lesson and one I don't think I'll ever live down. But I honestly believe I needed to lose it all before I could learn said lesson. I really hope I have learnt it too. Eleven weeks so far tells me I've at least taken note of the lesson. The lessons on my radar. The lesson and I are casual acquaintances. I'd like to think the lesson and I could be more than just friends. I hope to spend the rest of my life with the lesson.


That would have been a great game to go to. He'll get a fantastic send off and a well deserved one too. I've followed football for 40+ years and there have been few players like Stevie G that could literally pull a team up single handedly from a losing position to a winning one. I don't support Liverpool, but he's been one of my favourite Premier League players.


You don't need someone continuously telling you what you did wrong. I felt your frustration just reading it. I think you need to cut him short next time or just change the subject when he starts. We do sometimes have to learn the hard way and £19-20K is a huge amount to lose. However Adam, and it'll be small consolation to you at the moment, but losing that amount may have just saved you from losing 100k+ over a lifetime of gambling.


On that positive note, I've said it before and I'll say it again, well done for how you've bounced back.


With sites like this, YNWA!


See what I did there? :o)


Take care,


Charlster


Ok. Things are getting me very itchy again recently. I didn't mention it yesterday but now I've done it again I best share. Get it out of my system. On Tuesday night I actively persuaded someone to put more money in the bandit at the end of the night. I really just wanted to see the reels spin. I got a cheap little thrill out of it but thought nothing of it. Last night, I did it again. I layer it on thick about how the bandit hadn't dropped the five hundred jackpot for ages and loads of money had gone into it. Sure enough, greed got the better of my victim and they pumped their hard earned money into a dream. It was painful to watch at times as the machine was just hungry for money and giving nothing in return. I even half persuaded them to play off the small amount they did win. They took the money. They took the loss. I must admit though I did get a kick out of watching. The chance of that jackpot rolling in was capturing me, even though it wasn't my money. I just wanted to SEE that win. It was a pretty risky game to play I'm sure but I couldn't help myself. I'd been sweating about it today but now that I'm at work and I can see the bandit it's not bothering me. I must have a pretty messed up head the way I'm tackling this.


Quiet day today. Last night on my way home from work the pedal fell off my bike. I can't drive so it's my only means of travel. Not only an inconvenience but also a financial dent. Could cost me a tenner, could cost me £65. I'll have to wait and see in the morning. Either way, there's nothing in my bank so I'll have to dip into my tip savings.


Hi Adam

Testing your addiction implies you are not accept its capabilities. You are making ‘mind bets’ and mind bets are a way to remain in the action – it is called dry-gambling and it can hurt you so please be careful.

Velvet


To be fair, I think it's more a compulsive urge than a test. A test would imply I set out to do it to get a result. It just kind of happened. My impulse took over and all I wanted to do was be involved in some form of gambling. Maybe I've got it all wrong. But it wasn't pleasant and fortunately hasn't happened since.

Didn't update yesterday. I was busy right off the bat at work in the morning. Didn't stop till my break. Then I went home, watched Liverpool embarrass our great captain on his final home game. Then it was straight back to work for a busy night, short staffed. I forgot to mention too, that before work I stopped at the bike shop to get my bike back. Nope! Needs some extensive surgery. Gonna cost me about 140 quid! So I'm not too impressed with that.


Well I'm not sure if someone shit in their cereal, but Coors were here before me this morning! That's never happened before. This was probably the first time I've been out on time since they started delivering to us. So I can't even bitch about that today.

Still not got my bike back from the shop though. Could probably whine about that for a bit... Aight, maybe not.

I did however sell a rare Stevie Gerrard item this morning. It was a doodle he'd drawn for National Doodle Day. As I bit of an artist myself it was one of my favourite pieces. But 200 quids a lot to turn down, especially since I keep it in a folder under my bed where I can never see it. So that's a few more quid towards the savings. I'm quickly creeping up on the five grand mark. That will be half way towards my goal of not feeling like a complete failure! Ten grand was the amount left to me by my grandparents and was the amount I promised myself I'd never go into... But I did, and now I have to get it back! I can't let anything stop me on my saving quest!


Ell done on your savings, just be careful you don't save those savings for a gambling binge, it's quite common. So long as you are prepared . You are doing well now gamble free keep up the support, it's good you are posting. Have a great gamble free one and congrats on finding recovery today..


P


Been very busy at work last couple of days. Been doing a canvas drawing of Batman. So I guess that goes a long way to telling you how busy it really is at my work. Boredom is the killer in this place. Usually I'd fill my time gambling. Need to keep myself occupied though.


Been feeling pretty low recently. I'm only 30 but for as long as I can remember, my legs have hurt. Poor circulation and blocked veins make it difficult to walk without a certain amount of aching. It's just been getting me down a bit more recently coz I'm a bit burnt out. I seem to be tired a lot more at work. Could probably benefit from a bit of time off. Only trouble is my boss goes on holiday soon and I'll have to work all day and night for at least 17 straight days. The only benefit of that being that I'll save some extra cash in wages and tips. Possibly another trip to the doctors after he comes back. Last time he went on holiday I got cellulitis. Look it up. It ain't pretty. I couldn't walk for three weeks and I was off my tits on pain killers while I had one ankle the size of a tree trunk. But I still had to be in work... Every day! Great times!


You're doing great, but from the outside looking in you appear to be overdoing it.


You are taking a lot on both mentally and physically. You are taking the burden of what you've done all on your own shoulders, you are trying to get back all that you have lost at pace, you are working all the hours god sends, all this with a health concern.


It might pay for you to pace yourself a little better. Sometimes when you make what you're trying to achieve a hardship and a struggle so much so that it becomes a laborious chore you stand the risk of falling short. It's a bit like a marathon runner trying to sprint his way around a marathon course, he'll never get to the finish. Whereas the guy who paces himself and plots his way around the course will get to the finish comfortably.


Just a few words of caution, we all sometimes need gentle reminders to step back a little.


Anyway, take care.


Charlster.


17 straight days Adam?

In 2015?

At the expense of your health?

No way!!!!

Are you in a Union????

Cellulitis is an extremely painful condition that requires REST!

Congrats on all your G free time but remember there is more to life than money. Why not get a sick cert from your GP and let the boss sort out the staff problems!

In my experience employees are only numbers. Mind yourself!


Hi Adam,

I have been keeping up with your posts and it surprised me about your legs because of you biking. Vera is so right about the risks, you know from experience how painful and how long it can take to heal. My suggestion would be elevate them up abovebyour heart whenever you can and keep them moisturized with a good perfume free lotion after every shower and before you leave for the day (lotion twice a day). 17 days of standing is not going to help your risk, so if you don't take precautions......I think you probably already know to watch the sodium, those chips you get for free may not be a great idea unless they are baked and unsalted, but who would want them? Please take care, I have a lot of patients that end up requiring intravenous antibiotics for cellulitis of the legs. It is serious business!

So happy to see your gamble free days adding up and your payback to yourself through savings is coming along nicely. I would hate to see it go to medical expenses.


Cheers for your comments and concerns guys. The cellulitis deal was about a year ago now. Fortunately I've not had any problems with it since. It was a comedy of errors really. I went to my doctor, he told me it looked like I'd broken my ankle. So he sent for for X-rays but they told me at the hospital they couldn't tell me the results, I had to go see my doctor in a week. So they sent me away with the wrong medication all the time the cellulitis is getting worse, I was developing a fever and there wasn't anyone I could turn too. After a couple of days I ended up going to the walk in centre who diagnosed me immediately... But yea, there's only two of us with keys, so if one goes on holiday, the other has to be there every day. Not ideal, but a jobs a job.


I should mention too that my ambition to get my money back quickly is only temporary. Ive mentioned before, I've got a lot of stuff in a pretty sizeable collection that I can sell. At the moment I'm downsizing. Selling things that aren't essential. That's not the best way of putting it really. None of it is essential. They're only things. But they're my things and if I can keep the best ones I'm going to. I'm getting near to the end of things I want to sell, so that's gonna reduce my income a fair bit. My work stint soon will help. But next month I will be living alone and therefor paying out a lot more on bills and food. So I'll have to get used to saving up slowly.

Anyway, the leg problems stem from varicose veins. Not really a problem a 22 year old should be worried about but here I am at 30 and they're still bad. I think last time I went to the doctors they said it was cosmetic and therefor wouldn't be on the NHS. Roughly translated as, that's just a visual problem, so if you want it sorting you'll have to pay for it. Doesn't matter I've not been able to kneel down without immense pain standing back up since I was in my early 20's. That's obviously just cosmetic...

Enough whining about myself. Time to whine about work! Only jokin. Although I've been open for nearly an hour and haven't had a customer yet. Boss is off. The lad I'm working with tonight sucks. It's bank holiday... Shush now Adam!


Hi , I like your thread as can relate to alot of the things you say and wish you well in your recovery .

One of the things that I like about your thread is your patience level with the coors wagon or the lack of it , lol. Im one such deliverer and we get a run set out each morning depending on whos ordered what . So can be late , early or sometimes miss out altogether and it goes the next day . So I love your take on this that's so funny .

Anyway all the best , gerrards a legend and a top , top player .


Ha, cheers bud. I know who to go straight to if I wanna vent my anger about the poor delivery timing!

Well today was a sad end to a sad season. Gerrard got a goal on his final game for Liverpool. Unfortunately the team as a whole embarrassed him again by shipping 6 goal in. I'll not be able to moan about the delivery drivers on Tuesday this week as I'll be at the 10 year anniversary of Liverpool's heroics in Istanbul. So I won't get back on time to take in the order. I'm sure they'll still find a way to irritate me. Like ringing me at half 7 while I'm still in bed in Liverpool. Anyway, should be a good night and I'm looking forward to it. Unfortunately I have it on good authority Gerrard won't be there. Hope that's wrong.


Hi Adam, I am well impressed by how you are getting your savings sorted. I have been working for over twenty year and don't even have a tenner a year saved to show for it. It's quite shocking really!

I feel so sorry for you with your legs. My little son used to scream with leg pain,especially at night .. He found walking and exercise very painful and it turned out he had coeliac disease. Maybe there's something else happening here .


You were so wise to put your money into collectables... They are savings which u can't gamble but can cash in .. Brilliant idea!


Well done on your gamble free time !!


This is what I kept telling people! I've got an extensive library on everything I've ever bought, what I paid and what I think it's true value is. I try my best to never sell at a loss, so everything extra I get is all gravy! Only problem is (which I've succumbed to a few times) is although it's great selling some spares, every now and then something else pops up. Things I've been on the look out for for years. Just happen to turn up now. So naturally I have to go for them. Speculate to accumulate I guess! But yea, it's definitely helped a massive amount and I can now say that a few minutes ago I rounded my savings up to 5 grand. That's awesome in less than 100 days!! That's on course for 15 grand this year... Ok, that's pushing it! But still...

Didn't update yesterday. Had a fantastic night in Liverpool. There we're about 1.5 million people in Liverpool yesterday. Something about three boats circling in the Mersey. I don't know... More importantly it was ten years to the day that Liverpool lifted the European cup in Istanbul for the fith time. Last night was the celebration at the O2 Arena. Brilliant to see all the ex-players talk about that unforgettable match! A brief reminder of the greatest night of my life.

Anyone keeping score between me and Coors on a Tuesday. I had to miss them this morning due to travelling back from Liverpool. They still phoned me though. Best part was, we were blocked from leaving the hotel car park for 15 minutes by a delivery wagon! Typical...


Ugh. Been feeling out of sorts last few days. Nothing gambling related, thankfully that's not crossed my mind for a while now. Just not been feeling myself. Tired and aching and nauseous. Need to shake it off though. Only one more week until my 17 day stint at work...


Look after your health, Adam. No prizes for killing yourself at work . At the end of the day we are all only numbers.


My dad was telling me about his latest betting experience. If Arsenal hadn't scored the forth goal yesterday with two seconds to spare, he'd of won £200. My mother reminded him that the lesson to learn here is to NOT gamble. Little to they know their degenerate son hasn't learned that lesson and is currently sitting on a quarter of his LIFE savings! Another sobering conversation I've had to sweat through. I got another reminder too that next month I'll be paying £300 a month more in rent. That's going to really test my ability to save money... Not really looking forward to it to be honest. Although I'm closing in on 100 days without gambling, I still don't feel like I've really accomplished anything.


Just about starting to turn I think whatever this illness is I've got. Last few days at work were a nightmare. Really just didn't want to be there. Felt very sluggish and couldn't really concentrate. Last couple of days have been testing on me. There's been a ton of money gone in the £500 jackpot machine yesterday. Everyone left early last night so I was left alone with not a soul in the place to lock up. I had a few conversations with myself in my head about wether it's time to start gambling again. Last night was a perfect opportunity to have a whirl. Currently it's 16:27. I've been open since 15:00. There's NOBODY here! It's an absolute gamblers paradise. I'd of killed for days like this when I was still gambling.

Going for a day out tomorrow to the pleasure beach. It's never really appealed to me since it's right on my doorstep. But I think last time I went they hadn't built The Big One yet, so I thought maybe it's time to see if it's changed much... Only got tomorrow and Friday to chill out. Then starts my 17 day stretch. Looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time, as usual. I know how to run the bar. It's the stock ordering I don't like. Especially since we have 4 suppliers now. It's hard to know where it's all coming from. I'm sure I'll manage it. Either that or just either massively over/under stock... I've done both before. Neither of which make my bosses happy.


I hope you enjoy your days off and make them count. 17 Days sounds like an elephant. You have to eat that one bite at a time.

I don't know a thing about running a bar, but zi once printed a report that was 700 pages by mistake! It was supposed to be about 14:) I caught it around page 200.....

We all have these things available to do, right outside our homes and yet never take the time to see or experience them. I think the beach will be fun. I applaud you for not gambling when the opportunity is so available. I would like to know how you have managed that. You are an inspiration!


I was so desperate to cling onto my last days off before two weeks day and night working, that I forgot all about my 100 day anniversary of gamble free life. Today is the less impressive figure of 101 days. Less impressive? I guess more impressive really, but not as round is what I meant.

Went to The Pleasure Beach on Thursday. Jeez! It's been around 20-22 years since the last time I went and I'm not kidding, there's stuff there that hadn't been touched in all that time. Anyone ever heard o a lick off paint? It was a pretty good day out to be fair but I definitely felt it! If there was a ride were they strapped you in and just had a bunch of little kids run in from the sides and start kicking you in the legs and chest... It probably would be considered one of the more comfortable rides.

Went to town for some art supplies yesterday too. Fifty three bloody quid for basically about 20 pens and a canvas! I'm gonna have to start charging people for these canvases I'm knocking out! I guess I'll be spending a LOT of time at work in the next two weeks. So I'll be able to do a bit while I'm here. Not really what they're paying me for but did it, I've been here long enough to have a bit of leeway...

Anyway! Here's to another 100 days. Cheers!


Hi Adam well done you have reached your century of days i'm quite a bit off that 80 to be exact but it's something to aim for :) M.


It'll come sooner than you think Micky. You've already done the hard first couple of weeks.

I started my two week run yesterday. I must admit, I've been feeling pretty lethargic last couple of weeks, but I seem to of gotten a second wind now I'm in full command. It was pretty bloody busy last night and I was knackered at the end. It's hard work in a sense that there's only really my boss that understands how I work and communicate and we sync pretty well. Everyone else I work with has something about them that irritates me. Last night I was paired with a lad that thinks he's gods gift to bar work. I'm pretty shit hot myself but it's never something I've felt the need to boast about. You just get on with it. On top of his obvious self-love, he also seems to think he's involved in every conversation going and constantly crashes in when I'm talking shop with my superiors or just randomly answers questions from customers that are aimed at me. This dear readers, is very, very, annoying! Tonight's help consists of a woman who is constantly complaining of being tired. She's had a part time job on top of this one for a few months and it's obviously killing her. I'm sure I'll be full of sympathy after my near 80 hour week when she tells me on Tuesday she's tired during her two hour shift.

Maybe the service industry ain't a good choice for someone that hates people!


Just wanted to say well done on the century achievement -I've not posted on your thread before, but have very much enjoyed reading your posts.


You have a very witty way of describing your daily life and it has made me smile at times when I felt nothing but despair. Thanks for that :-)


Adam me old mucker, just been catching up on the threads. Since getting out of GMA and being back home in the family home I have been spending time on my own in a very safe environment. I have been going to GA, up to 4 times a week. I have an appointment with the national problem gambling clinic on 22nd June. I have been driving to London once a week to spend a day or 2 with my little boy. I am slowly looking at my debts and figuring out what to do.


Sometimes your posts worry me a little. I have a phrase I keep repeating to myself:


Abstinence is not recovery, but you can't have recovery without abstinence. I am no expert, god knows. I am only on day 69. But I am working bit by bit on my defects - the lying, the wanting everything now, the sneaking about, the low self esteem. It seems to me sometimes (and I am not criticising you one bit) that deep down you still want to gamble. That you'll talk yourself into it. You look at the machine, and you have this inner battle. Instead of seeing it and saying "there you are old friend, ---- you. Not interested".


Have you thought about reading some of the GA literature such as the 12 steps. I am about to start them with my sponsor but I have to wait until I have 90 days clean. I don;t want to just not gamble - I want to improve who I am, how I am, how I act, how I treat others, how I see and value the world.


You've been here as long as I have, and you've not lapsed once which is SO AMAZING. Keep it up, but think about the next step. That's where I am. But I am not preaching.


By the way, sorry about battering Liverpool on the last day of the season. At least we were nice and let Stevie G get a consolation goal.


Take care, keep posting, and ignore everything I say if you want to. You are doing brilliant and should be so proud. It;s a shame your mum and dad can;t share in your massive achievement.


15 weeks and counting today! Not a bad effort for now I think. Been a busy day today. I'm sure some cosmic forces are at work when my boss goes away. It's like, oh, he's alone for two weeks? Best make sure everything breaks! I've been tackling the post mix dispenser all morning. Just about managed to fix it this afternoon. Saved a call out! 1-0 Adam. Touch wood I've not ballsed any of the orders up yet, so we've not run out of stock. 2-0. I've had the glass washer fixed. 3-0. I've let people being in loads of change to save me carrying it back from the bank. Problem is I've no notes left now. So I'll have to skip the banking this week. 3-1. Damn it!

I thought these two weeks would be a decent way for me to get a bit more towards my savings with the wages and tips I'll get over the course. But actually all it's been so far is long hours filled with temptation. Yesterday was the first time in a long time I was moments away from breaking my run. I was convincing myself that since the bandits were my problem area, I could have a quick play on the card machine and still be on track. I could buy 100 cards for £100 and I'd probably love opening them all and counting the winners at the end who knows, maybe even get the £300 jackpot in there. Being here every day I can't help but be aware of what's going in and out of these machines and it makes me feel confident I could have a quick win. But I have to take a step back and think about my chances. My real chances. They're not high at all. But either way the outcome will be the same. If I lose (which I will) I'll put more in to try and win. If I win (which I won't) I'll still put more money in to try and win more. I had a chat with the guy who knows what I've done last night. He told me I should really tell my parents. He said if he was my dad and I told him, he'd respect me for it and help me through it. I know he's probably right, but I still think I need to prove something to myself before I can burden others with what I did...


Maverick, just seen your post mate. Glad your back and getting into the groove of things again. Thanks as always for commenting. I of course listen and appreciate your input. But I guess this inner battle is the only way I know how to deal with things. I'm sure I'll share my secrets with people one day. But to reiterate what I said earlier, I still feel I need to prove something to myself. I've always been a loner and I keep my emotions bottled up. That's just who I am. When I'm ready to let people in I will. I'm not an expert at any of this. I'm just someone who fucked ip big style and is trying to get over it the only way he knows how.

Apology not accepted for the match! Worst display I've ever seen and I'm furious at the way the team gave Gerrard a send off. But in all seriousness there was only one team who wanted to win and they did it very well.


It's only day 6. I'm sick of being at work! It's not helped by the fact that it's glorious sunshine outside, which is uncommon for England but near unimaginable in Blackpool. I'm getting through it anyway. Tomorrow is another story. I always hated Friday's. Not only do I have the banking to do, the safe to check and an order coming in the morning. It also happens to be the busiest night of the week. So with the people I work with, I'm not looking forward to it...


Well done mate. Keep it up. You have been an inspiration to me through some dark day and the fact that you still post shows how serious you are.


The dreaded Friday has arrived. Easy day so far. Banking done, safe is correct and the delivery came on time. It's absolutely dead in here today. Not sure if it's always like this but I've been by myself for nearly an hour. I missed a phone call this morning from my boss. It was a few minutes after Carlsberg rang me so I knew it was about the delivery. I sent him a text that said "if it's about the delivery, I've already spoken to them". He text back with a simple "ok". It was then I decided to be an absolute legend. A comedy genius with unparalleled timing. I simply text back "I'm not sure how they're going to get the delivery in since the explosion"... Just leave that one to settle in I thought. Queue the frantic phone call from Spain desperately seeking information on said explosion... It was funny when I wrote it, is pretty much all the information I had to offer. He seemed pretty gutted he still had a place of work to come back to...


Well that's a week over with. No problems so far. Stocks been fine, staff have turned up, not ran out of change, not killed anyone yet. It's more than likely killing me in so it can hit me with the worst week ever next week!


I guess there's no better time to come on here an vent than a Tueaday morning. Last week was obviously a fluke and now Coors are back to norm being late and ruining my morning! It's not helped by the fact I got very little sleep last night but still got up at 7 and dragged myself here for half 8. I was looking forward to a bit of a kip between shifts, but chances are I won't get home till 1 then I'm back at 3. Can't say I'm too impressed.

I've took it upon myself to get a member of staff removed while the boss is away. He's the son of a long term employee but that doesn't matter where business is concerned. He's only a young lad but he's easily the most shifty person I've ever worked with. The amount of times he's short changed people is into the double figures now and the worst thing is, he's never questioned one! When I was young and starting out, if someone said I'd short changed them I'd immediately demand the till be counted. Not doing so in my eyes is just an admission of guilt. Not sure how his dad will take the news but if I'm honest, I don't really care. I've even volunteered to pot him myself.

Apart from that bit of drama it should be smooth sailing to Sunday when the boss returns. He must be missing the place as he's coming back a day early.


Well done on your days gamble free they are adding up now and you are feeling a taste of the recovery life.. keep going, keep moving forward. Its a big change from the life before.. well done


P


Hi Adam.

Your still in a position to recover financially with time

And hard work. something I have discovered lately the amount of money we lose is irrelevant I feel as bad if I lose fifty quid as I did once losing 20 k in a couple of hours

There is no quick fix the money is gone even if you won a million tomorrow it wouldn't matter sounds crazy but its True. I too am still completely addicted to machines have gambled away everything I had a home savings lost my family got them back then started gambling again

I am now a thief a liar had a break down and will probably never work again. but I have drawn a line in the sand I cant change what I have done will never recover financially but I Can become a better man and a dad again one day at a time.

compared to the man I once was

Self exclude your self and join GA .


Thanks for the words guys. Marko, I've already excluded myself from online gambling sites. I can't really make meetings as the only happen when I'm working in my area. I wish you well on your road to recovery though bud.

Had a horrible dream last night. I didn't actually dream about gambling. I dreamt that I had already gambled and was struggling with the realisation. I vividly remember struggling with the notion of lying to people on here about not gambling. I guess after this long I feel like I owe it to people on here to keep my streak going. In the end I was back to day one. Fortunately I woke up and after sweating for a few minutes a realised it was just a dream. Thankfully day 113 is still on track.


Hi buddy, its great hearing you vent and reading about what is happening at work. People can be so frustrating and annoying cant they! Good on you for being clean that is awesome. That dream you had about gambling everything and coming to the realisation of what you have done, has been me since a couple of weeks ago. Its hit me hard how much I have messed it all up. I am a 33 yo female still living at home with my parents. Like seriously how does one even redeem that?

I keep wishing I could wake up one day and be 28 again. Give myself more time to start things off again, but reality is I cant change that. We cant undo all the silly things we have done or our stupid choices.

But we can choose to make good choices and you are making that good choice everyday good on you. It can be done. I have slipped up so much in the last 7 years and I am currently on my highest cleaning streak! I am seeing a counsellor and I am beginning to have savings. Last week was my 9 months. If I can do it I know that you can.


Just wanted to encourage you and say thank you for your honesty its refreshing. I believe in you.


Been a few days since my last post. Finally finished my long work stint. Had a day off yesterday. Didn't really know what to do with it, so I did nothing! It's interesting how much I enjoy it when I'm in full charge of the place. I like to get everything sorted to how I like it. But then the boss comes back and starts doing things his way. I must admit I lose quite a bit of interest when that happens. I'm glad I sacked off that lad though that was on the rob. If I'd left it up to the boss he'd let him work here till he retired...

Anyway, back at work now. Can't possibly think of having more than a day off. Back in and right back to waiting for Coors. Actually, that's just out of habit. In fact, this week was great. Thwaites turned up at 10:15 and as soon as they pulled away, Coors pulled up. Perfect timing!

Had another savings block this last two weeks. I had a decent wage while the boss was away. I made roughly £900 not including tips for the hours I put in. Unfortunately temptation and a possibly bargain captured me. I saw another pair of match worn Gerrard boots from back in 2002. Perfect proof with them and everything. £550. Personally speaking, that's a steal. Gerrard boots are fetching over a grand right now with less proof than these have with them. Is also agreed to buy my lady friend a new necklace to replace the one her previous partner bought her. I'm happy with that coz I don't like the prick anyway. Trouble is, the necklace she picked was a 385 quid Tiffany & Co silver piece... There was some cheaper ones she was happy to settle with, but what's the point of settling if it's something she'll wear every day. I also gave her £150 towards her monster electricity bill. In total dear readers, that comes to £1085. I managed to sell a pair of Raheem (the snake) Sterling match spec boots for £100. So in total, after two weeks of hard graft, after all said and done, and all the smoke has cleared, and all the sust has settled... I've managed to come away with minus £85. Hey ho, there's always next week though right. Crap. As I'm writing this I just remembered my first £350 rent comes out next week. Oh well, there's always the week after! I'm playing the long game now people!

Cheers for the encouragement izzi. Stay strong!


I guess I'm getting my karma for sacking that lad. I've been called into my work on my day off. Which means when I get my next day off on Monday, I'll of only had one day off in the last 26 days! The other stupid bitch that works there occasionally likes to phone in sick about an hour before her shift. So I can't say I'm a happy bunny today! I guess it's extra pennies. But still pretty annoying. I got my lady friends son a job but he's never done bar work before and still needs a lot of practice. I said he could come in tonight but he wasn't confident enough to work the busiest night of the week. Anyway, whatever, I best get back to work...


hi everyone this is my first post i am a problem gambler and have been gambling for roughly 11 years now i have almost lost my brother through it and his girlfriend doesnt speak to me, i have lost around 50k if not more and i no i should of sought help along time ago i have previously gone 14 months without even gambling and i have to say it was the best time of my life not having the stress not lying not stealing to feed my addiction but when i started to do football bets again thats when the gambling started again, I am going to the gordon moody rehab centre in dudley on monday and cant wait because i am finally going to get the help i need and get my life back and i am glad i have got help now before i lose anymore of my family.


Well done for posting on the site. But this is my personal journal. You need to go back on the forum and create a new journal from scratch. Then you can post in it as often as you like and people will comment and get involved. I wish you luck at Gordon Moody.


Holy shit it's hot today! 29 degrees is a good heat to be working inside... Said no one... Ever!

Back down to 5 grand in my savings. I was knocking on 6 grands door a few weeks ago but I've been a bit of a mad spender recently. I finally got my first pair of Gerrard boots a while back after searching about ten years. Now all of a sudden I've got myself another pair. Couple that with the pair of match worn Alonso boots I've just negotiated off another collector and the 390 quid necklace I bought the lady, it's been a busy few weeks for my bank account. So far I've not been tempted back into gambling. Well, that's a lie. I've not gambled, but I'm still being tempted. Even as soon as an hour ago I listened to a fella playing the bandit at work. I can hear the coins passing through to let me know it's ready to drop. I've mentioned before, it's a guaranteed profit. But the point isn't that I can get a quick win. The point is, that the win could and would lead to further losses and that's what sobers me up when I stop and think about it.

I've recently acquired my first ever credit card this week. I need to build up a decent credit rating. Alarm bells will ring for some, but I've every confidence in myself to keep things under control. I let myself and my family down with what I originally did. I'm hell bent on eventually rectifying it.


I feel like I've not had a good moan on a Tuesday for weeks and weeks. Truth is, Coors have been spot on and arriving on time recently. I've actually been leaving on time which is a rare site. It's been a week since I posted last. To be honest, I've not had any inclination to playing the bandits... and I've been working quite a lot of hours recently. I'm not gonna stand here and say I'm completely cured. I do t think I'll ever be able to say that. But I'm happy with the progress I've made up to press.

I'll be spending again soon. My partners son turns 21 next week. We're taking him to Liverpool to get a new iPhone. Bloody things are expensive! There's every chance I'll have to get myself the new Liverpool shirt too. I took the girl to see Jurassic World the other day. I've been looking forward to it since I heard the news over a year ago. Like most films that come out usually pass me by in the cinema due to work commitments. But I had a spare few hours and just had to see it. My god I'm glad I did. I took me back to a 7 year old self, seeing Jurassic Park for the first time. Pure popcorn, summer blockbuster fun. I loved every minute. I really need to make more effort to do things I enjoy, instead of just being a slave to my job! Tickets go on sale for the first half of the season tomorrow. Hopefully I can grab a game or two. Not holding out much hope though as I didn't manage to get any in the second half of last season. Plus, we have James Milner now so surely that'll sell a few more thousand seats...

Anyway, 19 weeks tomorrow and still not out!


Well done fella. What more can I say. Keep up the good work, I am on day 97. A I am not drinking at the moment I have not thought about how I can celebrate day 100 on Saturday. As I have started going to NA to get more insight into recovery I guess a Spliff is also not on the cards.


Good to see that despite a good deal of abstinence you have not given into the thoughts.


See you around.


97 days is awesome Mav. I don't drink, never tried cigs or drugs of any kind. So I can't help you on how to celebrate. A nice meal that you've bought and paid for with money you didn't waste gambling might be nice. I treat myself that way sometimes. In fact, I did it after 100 days myself. I just didn't mention what the significance of the meal was to the people I was with. I'm on week 19 today. Nothing to celebrate though because I know I've been up to the low 40's. I think 42 weeks is my LIFE record, since I started gambling about 17 years ago.

At the moment I'm working. I'm working a funeral. Most people have gone. Only the hard core remain. There's been arguments. There's been tantrums. There's been plenty of drinking. Hopefully the remainder will soon shuffle away without incident. Last time we had a funeral there was one guy who just flat out refused to leave at the end of the night. He was shouting and swearing at me. Thinking on my feet, I remembered that the 6 foot odd, muscle bound, man mountain Tony was downstairs. As he was leaving, I just mentioned to Tony that the guy was giving me a bit of grief. I turned my back for 10 seconds and he was gone. Result!


Today has knocked me back a bit. My TV took a turn for the worst so I decided to go to a cheap TV place a friend was telling me about. I could of easily walked out with a half decent TV for 200 quid. But instead I was wowed by the amazing ones they had on display. The trouble is, the one that I have that's decided it no longer wants to be part of my life, is a 46 inch LED 3D TV. So anything less is gonna annoy me now. I went to the store hoping to spend 200 max but left with a curved TV costing £925. That's not the annoying bit. I had to transfer £1000 out of my savings to pay for it. So from nearly 6 grand a couple of weeks ago, I'm back down to 4! It's just knocked me a bit to see how hard it is to save money. I've taken two grand out in the last two weeks and haven't saved a penny. I think the next step is to sell a few more items from my collection. Unfortunately I've sold most of my spares and now have very little to show for it.

This journal has become less about my inability to stop gambling and more about my inability to save any money.


just think about how much you saved by not gambling and now you have something to show for it.

I'm a big believer in rewards for not gambling xoFG


Missed it yesterday. But it was 20 weeks and counting. Must admit, I still have the odd bad time thinking about my savings. But all in all I feel much happier not gambling. Just need to keep it up and stay strong.


Been a week since my last post. I've found myself having less and less to post about these days. I guess you could call that progress. Maybe I should make more effort in case I fall back into bad habits. There's a couple that come over from Manchester every now and then. If they're over, chances are, they spend most of their time in my place of work. Thing is, they're MASSIVE gamblers. They'll spend all day back and forth to the various machines at work. They'll win, they'll (obviously) lose. When you see people putting SO much money into these machines, it's hard not to feel a flutter inside. The mental 'what ifs' start to make their way to the front of your brain. So far I've not acted but I can't say I haven't thought about it on a few occasions. But I've stayed clear, kept on working and gone home with my days intact.

A few months ago, a long serving member and trustee of my workplace died. He was a nice fella who I got on with well. He rubbed people up the wrong way sometimes but you can't say he didn't care about this club. That was evident in his will when we found out he'd left 30+ thousand to the place. Basically, from a selfish point of view, I have job security for a fair few years yet. It might even last long enough for me to be running the place.

I'll be having a couple of weeks off work starting next Monday. I'm looking forward to the rest from work, but I know it won't be long before I'm agitated at being couped up. I'll be spending the time with the lady friend and I'm sure she'll have a few jobs for me to be doing. Need to start preparing for my parents moving out too, which should be any time now. I'll have a lot of stuff to do at home. Not least save up to pay my bills!


I guess I should make a post on here. It's been over two weeks since my last one. I've just had 2 weeks holiday from work. It's my first day back today and it feels like I'm here for a rest! It's not often that the lady friend and I are off at the same time, so we took the opportunity to work on some things in the house. New bed, new furniture, paint for the walls, lots of clearing up and chucking out! It's been a hectic couple of weeks. Spent a nice day in Widermere and went out for a nice meal Friday and Saturday. Other than that I've spent my two week holiday from work... Working! I can safely say though, for the entire fortnight, I've not had a single thought towards gambling!


Well I've certainly come back to work at the right time. There's tainted water in my area. We've been warned not to drink it or wash up with it. Try running a pub with no water! Bloody ball ache! It's all back to normal anyway, I'm sat here waiting for bloody Coors to turn up! They've been on time for the two weeks I was off. Too much to ask for them to keep it going I guess...

I've not been able to save any money for a few weeks. Parents have finally moved out too, so I've got a house to do up and bills to pay. Guess I should probably eat too. Hopefully when the dust settles I'll be able to start putting a bit aside again.


I've actually had a lot of thoughts recently about gambling. I think I might be starting to miss it. It's an uncomfortable feeling, but lately at work I've been seeing people play the bandits, and watched from afar with jealous eyes. I've been having the odd flash thought about how easy it would be to drop back into old habits. So far, my rational mind has been winning. The urge has never been so greater than it was last week. Over something so silly too. I was trying to do an online food shop with Tesco and it wasn't having it. Even though I've used my card before it just said no! I figured it was Tesco and tried Asda instead. Same problem. Wasn't having my card. I was SO annoyed. My first thoughts were "oh my god I just wanna spend some money!!" If I was still on Betfred's books I'm certain I'd of been there in a flash. As it happens, my card had been blocked by the fraud team again because of some irregular activity. Logging my card details into Tesco about 30 times probably didn't help. All sorted now and I'm still on track. Cautious but on track.


The good thing is you are aware of your thinking and not acting on it. Remember what always happens right to the end of a relapse, it's never pretty. Don't be jealous of those playing the bandits they are losing their money, more pity them that they are still caught up in it. Stay strong, you are doing good.


P


Hi Adam, It sounds like you're well on the right path. Just stay on it, enjoying every day as you learn more about the possibilities in life. Nothing could be so miserable as being a slave to putting futile hopes in machines/sporting events/table games etc. etc. Choose a productive and happy life instead. That's what I'm doing as well by the way, and I know it's not always easy, but it's worth it.


I've been so busy trying to get straight as a single occupant in my house that I've missed out on quite a few things recently. Number one, I haven't been putting much time into keeping up with this journal. But I'll continue to check in from time to time. Number two, I've been trying to sort things at home so much, I'm constantly spending at the moment and not having chance to add to my savings. Three, I missed a milestone it seems. I've been gamble free for just over six months! That's pretty badass to be fair. But it's not been without temptation. I'm still continually tempted by the machines at work, but so far my rational thought Is winning every time. Just today, I had to open the secretary's office to let someone do work on the roof. I noticed an opened box on the side. Inside the box were thousands of unopened cards from the machine downstairs. The cards are basically a quid each. You pull off the tabs, if you match 3 symbols, you can win money. Fortunately I'm not in a stage of blood lust where it was impossible for me not to take some. I left them well alone, once again realising how far I could slip if I got back on the gambling slope.

I had a horrible dream the other night. It kinda made sense and it didn't. I remember my mother asked to borrow my iPad. I got a nervous feeling she'd see my bank account but I handed it over anyway. She immediately logged onto my bank for some reason. I snatched it off her and started screaming at her for looking. She didn't say a word. I eventually went to bed. I also remember lying there thinking, she's gonna come up to see if I'm ok soon and I'll be able to explain and say sorry. She never came and I woke up feeling awful. I think it's more a fear of the silent disappointment that worry's me the most.

My girlfriend asked about my gambling the other night. I was late out of work waiting for people to leave. She basically said, it's probably not a problem anymore because you've not mentioned it. But your still off gambling aren't you? I didn't lie, but I only told half the truth. I said, as she knows, I've had my problems. But so far I'm on 27 weeks without gambling and I'm hoping I'm done for good. She was proud of me and said she's always there if I need to talk. It's a tempting offer, but I know her too well to know she'd never understand my actions when I was at my lowest...


Well done on your gamble free time Adam.


Maybe take your girlfriend up on that offer. She might not totally understand but she can still be supportive. You could then always text her when tempted to gamble - making you instantly accountable for what you did next :)


keep posting and again, well done on your gamble free time.


Just catching up on a few posts. Great to see you are still gamble free. A monumental achievement.


Take care,


Charlster.


Hey people. Still kicking on. Still going strong. I was going to post last week on my 200th day, but after Liverpool lost to Man U I couldn't muster any ability to care about anything. Should be used to it by now.

Wednesday will mark 30 weeks for me. Saving has slowed down but I think I'm starting to come to terms with it being a slow process. I'm working this whole week as the boss is away. Nice little earner towards the trip to Alton Towers I've booked for the lady and me end of next month.


You are doing awesome! Keep going!!


san meron gambling therapy at tuwing kailan. :( I need your help guys. I need someone to talk to.


Welcome Elgimikero06


Thank you for posting within gambling Therapy. To make the most of this therapeutic community you may find it beneficial to create your own thread, thus receiving the support you rightly deserve. This link should allow you to start your own thread


https://www.gamblingtherapy.org/en/node/add/forum/870


Kind Regards


H


Just checking in guys. Letting you all know, whilst also letting myself know, I'm still free of gambling. Been a busy boy recently. As usual I'm constantly at work. I took the weekend off just gone to help a friend out. He runs a retro games shop for a guy he knows, so I was drafted in to help out at a big convention over the weekend. Turned out to be two 15 hour days and I was shattered. I do less work at my actual job. I guess it was something different though. And I got paid 120 quid and 3 free meals a day. Happy day. That money will go towards Alton Towers next week.

Anyway, that was me just checking in. Stay strong everyone!


Yeah Adam!

I looked up Alton Towers, looks like a blast. Hope yoi enjoy every moment of your time off:)


Enjoyed my week off. Alton Towers was good. Very quiet too. Back down to earth now. In work on my day off... Rock n roll!


Having a happy gamble free day. Hope you are too. Stay strong everyone!


Well done on your gamble free time Adam. I'm glad you enjoyed some of the benefits of not gambling.


I guess now is a good time to check in. I recently had a brush with gambling again. Sort of. The mad gambler that I've mentioned before had one of his crazy days earlier in the week. He always manages to capture me by starting to gamble really late at night. So by the time it's closing, he's lost loads and I feel bad for him. So I end up letting him stay a bit longer. Thing is, as the money flows, so does the time, and I ended up leaving at half 4 in the morning. He ended up leaving £750 down after putting in £1000 and coming off with £250... He came in the next day and put in another £50 and even though he knows I'm trying to stay away, he did his best to convince me that I'd win if I went for it. I must admit, I thought about it A LOT. I had £20 in my wallet that I kept looking at. I'd just watched him put £1050 in with very little return and I was struggling to convince myself that if I played next, surely it was time to pay out. Of course, in the end I convinced myself that if I'd played next, I could easily be a grand down myself. It's just not worth it after all the effort I've put in so far to stay away. I'm as close as Ive ever been to making that elusive one year mark! I need to stay on this path. My savings still aren't getting much better, but I've afforded a few bits for myself and some expensive presents for my gf and mother. I guess in time, the savings will, hopefully, take care of themselves.


Coming up on 300 days on Monday. This must be equal or possibly just over the longest I've gone without gambling for about 15 years! Still need to get up to that year mark. That will be a massive achievement and one which I never thought I'd get to.

It was my birthday on Monday. My partner paid for me to get another tattoo. It's something I've wanted to get for a few years and I've finally done it. Ever since I saw The Dark Knight I've been obsessed with Heath Ledger's portrail of The Joker. So I got his face permanently inked on my arm.

I managed to buy a nice present for my mums birthday. Ive sorted all my Christmas presents too. I've even got money to spare. All thanks to not gambling. There was a time that the quality of presents would be determined by how well I'd done on the bandits... Not anymore. Hopefully never again!

All the best everyone. I'll post next gamble free year!


Hope everyone had a good Christmas and New Year. I had work pretty much none stop over the holidays. Managed to have a nice Christmas dinner with family in between.

Really struggled with my conscious a few times over this new bandit they have at work. There's been more than a few occasions I've had to talk myself out of giving it a try. I'm really just chugging away, trying to reach this year mark. Hopefully I won't see that as the peak of my achievements and fall back into old habits. It's creeping up on a year now. I targeted 10k in my savings. I know now that it was a fairly optimistic task. But as it stands I've managed to save £7k in my account. Not quite the 20k I lost. But it's a pretty damn good start. It annoys me to think of what I could of had if I'd put this much effort into saving before I fell so heavily into gambling. We can't change the past though. Only learn from it.

Stay safe everyone.


Happy New Year , Adam!

You deserve a medal for resisting the bandits under your nose at work.

The new one will be no different than the old ones.

As you well know, they are all only mechanical pick pockets.

Great to hear you are progressing with your savings.

You give me great hope.

I, too am trying to scrape a Restoration Fund together to replace the Retirement Lump sum that I threw away in a week last March.

Mental isn't it?


Had a close moment the other day. I was feeling down after a fall out with the lady. I was bombarded with offers online for free money for signing up to a certain betting site. I made it as far as filling in a profile but buckled when I had to put in my credit card details. If it accepted me without that I'm sure I'd be gambling away right now, pissing away 47 weeks hard work. It's definitely been hard at the moment. I've mentioned before that there's a new bandit at work. I'm just drawn towards people playing it like a moth to a flame. I'm constantly encouraging people to go for it. Dry gambling I believe it's called. It's not good for me, but it's the best I can allow myself. Even after so long it's still so hard to resist. Do people that have been off for years still get the urges I wonder? Probably. I'm probably too weak to completely rid myself of all temptation, but all I can do is try and avoid slipping up one day at a time.

I just bought a new phone today as well. More expense. Need to be more careful to save now. It was a luxury item I didn't really need. But I've not really spent anything on me for a while.

Bye for now guys.


Just a little under two weeks before I mark my first full year without gambling! Something I can't say I've done since I was about 13. Still can't say I've had to courage to tell the people closest to me about my problems. But I'm steadily building back my savings, which is the main thing. If I can stay clean for another couple of years I'll be able to get it all back with interest. But that's just a dream. A dream I can hopefully accomplish.


Well I am on day 2 now so I have a long way to go to make a year. I also started on fruit machine before progressing to pretty much every form of gambling and losing 100's of k. I am 43 so you are definitely on the right path to not have to look at so many wasted years - which I am beating myself up about. It has destroyed my self esteem.


Keep on posting because I think knowing people see you adding up the days helps! Just hope I can make some progress


Wow, almost 365 days way to go mate that is freaking incredible. I am totally envious of you at this point, longest I have been clean for was almost 8 months and that was last year in May (some time close to that). And how I have lived in regret every since accumulating over 22,000 in debt in the space of a month. You may feel like you are weak and far from where you want to be financially but that is far from the truth. Think about it you haven't gambled in the past 351 days! That is almost a whole year, that totally blows my mind. You may be financially and emotionally struggling it could be worse, you could be gambling and feeding the one thing that in the past has destroyed you.

I am so proud of you and so encouraged by this thread.


I am 10 weeks clean and every time I get paid, I think "Izzi, you stupid girl, your pay has to go towards that stupid loan!" Hopefully that is going to deter me for the rest of my life, as it is literally draining everything I have. It could be much worse, I could be gambling and be waking up each day stressed, frustrated, depressed, worried and thinking of ways to manipulate situations so I can get money to cg just so I can live with myself.


Don't sell yourself short and enjoy the new phone you have worked hard for it.


Just caught up with your posts. I enjoyed your postings a year ago, they always gave me strength. So happy you were able to pull away at the last minute. You are still in the lead of the longer abstinence between us and I want it to stay that way. You were an inspiration to me a ear ago. I get my year on 2nd April 2016. So much has changed for me it is impossible t write in a single post, it would go on for ays.


each day I remind myself why i cannot gamble, drink or take drugs. Because I am an addict. I am powerless over my addictions and they make my life unmanageable.


Keep it up, ad see you around.


I wasn't going to check in again until Wednesday on my year. But I've been stressing for a few days now. My mothers has brought up the conversation about when I'm getting a house a few times recently. House prices are steadily going up and she thinks I should be acting faster. Yesterday and today I've managed to dodge the question about how much I've got in my savings. She said today that she expects me to have at least 20 grand in my savings. That might of been true just over a year ago. But how can I tell her I have only a third of that. If I had two more years to rent from them I'm sure I could claw it all back. But the constant questions about my future are causing me to stress out a bit and think some dark thoughts. Ideas have crossed my mind to take the 7k and go shit or bust on a gambling bender. Even to celebrate my year anniversary with a gift to myself of a gambling spree. These things are the furthest thing away from what's really best for me financially and especially mentally in the long run.

Coming on here and reading the few posts that were waiting for me has lightened my mood. It's nice that there are a few people reading and routing for me. It gives me hope that I can carry on the path I'm currently heading down. That's the non gambling path I'm talking about of course... So thanks jrb and izzi. Also Mav, great to hear our little race is still ongoing!


Hi Mate,

I don't consider myself a CG yet but I'm sure it won't be long if I don't stop because it consumes my thoughts constantly. Basically its not about me but it is a bit....


For me you have so far proved an inspiration to turn things around and not get sucked into the world of gambling I currently am trying to avoid....


All I am trying to say is I have read your diary from top to bottom the other day (a lot of reading) and its the best thing on here. I wasn't planning on posting but reading the above I feel like I have to.


Please carry on your recovery hit that year and never go back. 7k is a lot to save in a year. You did say originally that when you got some days recovery under your belt that you would tell them that you made a mistake and fucked it basically. If they are on your back about it all you probably should come clean. A year shows your commitment to turn things around and its almost got you to that 10k mark you vowed in your head you would never go below.


That said I completely understand your thought process and am guilty of believing in my head gambling is the way to make my money back. (Albeit a small amount in comparison to some)


Just please don't ruin a years hard work in an hour of madness. I will be very happy when I get to a year but at the moment 1 month on and the pain has gone a bit and very tempted to go back....


Good luck Adam wish you well!


***Edit/EXTRA:

A few hours after writing this I told my Mum. It is a bit different for me as I am younger and have no responsibilities and am not being pressured into moving out. Still I do have to save in the long term to get that deposit and the wasted hours and money gambling is not a positive way of doing it by any account. I told her and I feel load better. The 1month free I have had shows progress in my case and the fact I told her motivates me more. I wont gamble for her sake as well as mine. She said her EX was hooked to fruties which I didnt know about and that give me encouragement too.


Im bloody talking about me again!!!

About you I am sure your parents would get their head around the mistakes made especially after your 1yr of bossing it on the gamble free front! And the pain you have endured and punishment to yourself flogging your less precious LFC gear. I love Liverpool and make the commute most weekends from Nottingham to see my GF who is at the uni!

To me you are a Gambling Therapy Boss! This website should be paying you to be here and post! To get traffic on this site! Best of luck again mate. I dont mean to preach especially as you are older and have way more life experience than me but just hope my taps on the keyboard can maybe put a smile on your face! Wow this is deep!

Night man!


Adam you are solid in recovery and we applaud you in what you have accomplished. You have proven that you have what it takes to get beyond this addiction, nothing can take that away from you. Right!!!

I agree that you have proven you are able to do what it takes to lead a normal life. WE all know that normal has lots of ups ad downs at the best of times but you can deal with it no matter what.

Its time to believe enough in your achievements and let them know how hard you have been working on being your best. Explain your recovery, help them understand addiction and forgiveness will follow. Actions speak louder than words. your actions are all the proof they will need.

Well said to reddy as well keep up the good work in your recovery to. FG


Hi Mate!

Congrats on a year! (Correct me if I'm wrong!) I hope to be in your situation next March! Hope all is good in your world!


One year!

You're very much correct my friend. Thank you for your comments. I'm glad I still have a few people monitoring my progress. I told my girlfriend about my milestone. She was proud of me. I didn't go into any detail. She'd never understand. I'm happy with what I've accomplished.


Happy birthday Adam. 365 days. That is amazing. I have 37 days to go to my year and I am taking them one day at a time.


Have a lemonade on me mate ;-)


Well done Adam!

You fought hard !

Proves there is a Life after gambling.

Stay focused!


So here i am. Only 3 days in... Wait... That's not right. Ah yes, One year and 3 days in! Immensely proud of myself for managing to hold out for over a year. I've not had much chance to really come on and express myself recently as I've been working more hours. My boss has cancer treatment in Preston ever weekday so I've found myself working more on my days off. It's bad to say, but the more hours i do, the more it feels like he's making the best out of my good nature a little. For instance, on a Friday, he goes in the morning, so i have to go in and sort all the order from Carlsberg/Tetley. But on his other days, he goes in the afternoon, so i have to open up the bar and work until after tea. It's not a big deal to me really, but I have countless people in my ear telling me he's taking advantage of me. I won't go into all the details about how my boss isn't a nice person, but let's just say, he has very few real fans. But my good nature makes me smile and get on with it. I just tell people, he didn't chose to have cancer, so I'm choosing to help out. I'd say I'm more loyal to the job than anything else.

Anyway, enough about work. I have a house guest this weekend. My dad is on another trip to Anfield South to watch Liverpool play City in the League Cup Final. My mum is tagging on too, so muggins here is left babysitting the 19 year old cat. An absolute legend by the way, i named Arnie, after an old mascot i saw on some Liverpool merchandise. His old bones are starting to give out on him these days and he's commanding a lot more attention. They dropped him off this morning and my idea was, to get him settled and asleep, so i could slip to work unnoticed. Nah, he woke up just as i was leaving, wanting to go outside. I allowed him a few minutes to walk around then went to retrieve him. Jesus, if you were in the area, you'd swear i was trying to kill this cat the screams it was making. I thought, 'bloody garden's not that nice'... Anyway, after taking more than a few chunks of my arm flesh i left him crying in the hall. Bitch! He's more than likely pissed on my pillow. I'm about 10 minutes before i try again before my night shift so fingers crossed. I've booked the day off tomorrow so i can sit with him and watch the final in piece, possibly in tears.

Right, that's enough from me I guess. Just thought I'd drop in and say what was on my mind. I'll check back soon, hopefully with more miles on the clock. Thanks again for everyone's comments, i appreciate people having my back on here. Notice how I've not mentioned the bandits this time around. Must of been a good few days...

Shit, I just mentioned them didn't I !?


Well done Adam, your story was how I found this site keep up the good work


so glad for you Adam and looking forward to that milestone to even if I am only 6 months away from it haha. I feel it can be done and this time I really want to achieve it.FG


Top lad, even if you are a scouser ;-)


Thanks mate. A miserable scouser. Lost the Cup Final on Sunday and we play the same team tonight, just for giggles. Hopefully we can derail their title bid.

I thought I might as well start the new year like I started my last year... Complaining about work! So Yesterday was a crazy day. Started at 8 in the morning waiting for deliveries. I clean the beer lines in the morning too while I'm waiting. So I connected the Thwaites Smooth, Mild and Guinness up for cleaning. As I prepared the line cleaner mix with water I experienced my first ever shot of pure line cleaner right to the eye ball! As I scurried to the first aid box for an eye wash I discovered that we don't have a first aid box. Essentially, it's just a box... An empty box with a deceiving cross on the front that lied straight to my one good eye. I rushed back down to the cellar and got the hose that has two settings. Skin piercingly fast and off. I then proceeded to send a steady stream of water directly at my purple line cleaner stained eye. (When cleaning the lines, the purple solution turns green to signify you have dirty lines. My eye didn't go green, hence it must be pretty clean. Bonus). It calmed down a bit and stopped stinging eventually. I did my best Terminator impression for the following few hours... The orders came and I got out at half 11.

1 o'clock. Back at work to let the ladies in to prepare the food for an impending funeral party. I decided to clean more lines. I flipped the cleaning solution the bird as I passed to connect the Carlsberg, LCL and Cider. I managed to clean them without the risk of losing my sight. 3 o'clock I opened to doors to the funeral party. 80 odd people piled in and gave the deceased a good send off. Approximately 9:30pm, all hell let loose. Tuesday night here is line dancing night. Sounds fun right, anyway, calm down, I digress. So I gather the lady in charge had asked the funeral attendees to stay off the dance floor while they practice. One young lady took it as a personal insult and went for her, shouting and swearing all the way. I was asked to head down and I did. The situation wasn't resolved but they agreed to disagree and I went back to the bar. Suddenly a chair goes flying and there's a dance floor full of pushing and shoving. I get back into the middle of it and gather the young girl had hit the dancing instructor. So the instructors dad has either pushed her or hit her back depending on who's story you believe. So there's me, pushing and grappling back huge dudes who are up for killing this fella, who's easily in his 60's. Must of taken a good 20 minutes but I managed to convince everyone to call it a night and not murder this man. Really thinking of myself and not wanting the hassle of police involvement... I managed to get home about midnight. When I fell asleep I woke up about 2 o'clock. Shit day topped off with a shit nights sleep.

I walked to work this morning at 8 o'clock from my girlfriends. It was pissing down all the way. I got to work. Pants plastered to my legs. Looked around and just thought, ***** it'. I carried on past work all the way home. I had a hot shower, cup of tea and fell asleep until 2, just in time to get up and open up work at 3.

Heading home for tea now. Looking forward to the football... Not sure why! Cheers for everyone's comments. I appreciate anyone who reads my babble!


I too have seen some interesting things go down and lucky for me I was and am able to get enough control ,so that no one left injured. Crazy sometimes but never boring. I often find myself in the same situation getting to bed so late and up so late that I feel all I do is work. But the work has always provided an excellent income and boy when I was gambling heavily I was thankful for the money I earned. I would have been left destitute otherwise. I still managed to get into dept but if I remain gamble free I have the opportunity to get out of dpt within a few years, Hopefully I can hang in there long enough to get it done. I am so motivated to get it all paid out that I won't and can't risk any more failures. So gambling will remain out of the question. Continued success to both of us through out the rest of 2016 FG


Nice posts, and really happy with the footie results, superb. Go Foxes.


Take care Adam.


Thought I'd put a quick post on here. It's been over a year but it doesn't get any easier. I'm currently at work. I've been here all day and night. So have the couple currently sitting just over the bar. They come over from Manchester every so often and spend an absolute fortune on booze and gambling. They've been at that machine all day and not won a thing. I'm trying to convince myself that if I put in some money and I win, it's not gambling. It's just winning. I wish I wasn't stood here racking my brain trying to give myself every angle I can play this bandit and come away still a year clean and on the same road. I wish the fact I have no money on me was even an issue. Having the keys to the safe will always be a negative in that sense. I wish I could just look at these people for what they are. Fools with money. But I can't. I look at them as a means to my financial reward. I wish that the urge to gamble wasn't still as strong after a year as it was after a week. I wish I didn't need to bitch and moan on a forum to try and stop myself doing something I don't even really want to do. I wish I could tell my parents what a failure I am. I wish I was never enticed by the demons.


....and I wish, Adam, that you will remember why you came to this site in the first place, and I wish you didn't consider yourself a failure because any CG who can resist playing a bandit that's under his nose for a year is a success by any standard, and my third wish is that those dudes will either get a quick win, run out of money or go unconscious from drink to give you a few hours peace.

CGs never win Adam.

CGs never win.

CGs

never

win.


Even if you reaped some "reward" think of what it would do to your pride, dignity and self respect.

"When you sup with the devil, use a long handled spoon" . Give that machine a swift kick as you go out the door tonight.


You're doing fantastically well and I am so pleased you still post. Think of the addiction like a tiger behind the door. As soon as yo place a bet you are opening the door - and that tiger is fucking hungry, it's not been fed in a while. It could be carnage.


Hi Adam, I read your blog from start to finish today. I wish I'd read it before. My day 1 was January 18th this year. So I'm about a year behind you, as we've both lost about the same amount of money. Reading your blog was inspiring. Please keep it up. I have been seeing a counsellor, weekly, since January. I have found that really positive. I had run up debts with my wife trying to conceive children over the last few years. Basically spent over £10K that we didn't have on IVF, which didn't work. Strangely it was another form of gambling if you think about it. I'd never been in debt before and so I think the amount we owed overwhelmed me. I fell into the trap of thinking I'd win the money back gambling online. Suffice to say I added another £15k to our debt in a short space of time, before having a massive breakdown and facing up to my problem. I have started a debt management plan, through Stepchange. They were really helpful, though my creditors are being a pain and refusing to freeze charges and interest. Bankruptcy maybe my only way out but I'm sticking with the plan for now and trying to get as much advice as possible. I told my wife. I was surprised at how supportive she has been and how she made the link to my problem being about our fertility issues before I did. I told a mate when I was drunk last week. He was also surprisingly supportive. I have cried more in the last months than I have the rest of my life put together. Reading your blog made me cry again. However I think you are doing really well and hit the nail on the head in describing your feelings. It is a constant mental battle but all I can say is keep it up and think of us that are so far behind you. I am jealous that you are doing so well but also really happy for you. You're an inspiration, mate. Don't let us down - but more importantly don't let yourself down. You should be really proud of yourself.


Your post has helped me. I have lost over 17K gambling in the space of about 2years. I actually don't enjoy gambling but find myself doing it. Today I gambled my help to buy ISA money for a house. I need to know it gets easier Adam otherwise what's the point. I believe impatience is a huge factor. I want to rectify the mistakes I made and want to do it now. I have only told one person about my problem and only said it was half of what I actually owe. I am ready to stop and want to stop. I need a clear 6 months and I'll be right back on track with everything. Keep posting, it helps so much to know others are out there.


hope your in a good place because you deserve that place and even earned that place. Realize it Adam and give yourself a break. You might think of working in a less stressful place, I can't imagine being confronted by bandits constantly and not giving in to the urge to play. Is working there really worth that level of anxiety.FG


Thanks everyone. I struggle with any kind of praise or criticism equally so the inspirational tag makes me a little uneasy. I hope I don't let anyone down.

Skintpete, it's always nice when people relate to what I'm saying. I struggle to describe my feelings a lot, but I know people in similar situations will know exactly how I feel. I'm not sure jealousy is quite what you're feeling. My story is nothing to be envious of. If you put in the effort you reap the rewards and hopefully in a year when I'm celebrating two, I can join you in celebrating your first.

Thepod, it does get easier. To a degree. I still don't go a day without thinking about gambling. But I've gone over a year, so that surly speaks for itself. I'm extremely impatient myself and for the first few months I was frantically trying to claw back my savings. As of today, it's been 13 months and I've saved up £8,200 of my £20,000 losses. If you just take care of yourself first, your finances will take care of themselves in the long run. I'm hoping that eventually, when I've finally reached my original sum, I can carry on and continue to save wisely. Best of luck to you.

As for me, I'm still working every day. My boss finishes his treatment today. So tomorrow will be my first proper day off in 8 weeks. I'm feeling tired today. I was silly last night. I allowed a heavy gambler to stay behind after hours and play the bandit. We finally left at 4 in the morning. He'd won £700. Who am I trying to kid though. He put in £800 in total and came away £100 down after all that effort. As I waited and watched him play all I could think was how glad I am it's not me and my money stood here. Just the sheer boredom of watching the same reel spinning round is enough to send you mad. Again, I believe you call it dry gambling, but to be honest, it's not made me think about trying my hand at all. I feel sorry for the lad who was no doubt in bits when he thought he was about to lose £800 only to get a quick fix of a loss cutter com his way at the last minute. I guess this means I am in a good place. Mentally. I can safely say I'm not wondering about what could happen if I give it a quick twenty!

On second thoughts, I'm not in a good place. This place I mean. I'm at work at the moment. Sometimes I think the only thing that works around here is me. The fridge has gone today. I'd noticed the bottles were a bit colder than usual. Then I noticed that most of the bottles of Coke had frozen and popped. I've just spend the last hour sweeping out frozen Coke and broken glass. I guess that's the fridge knackered with perfect timing too. Easter bank holiday weekend. It'll be busy, but who needs cold drinks right? Anyway, gonna cut this short now coz my relief just arrived. Gonna go home and make tea before I come back and work.

So thanks again for everyone's comments and I hope everyone has a happy gamble free Easter!


Don't know if you remember me. I joined around the same time as u. Can't believe how fast the time has gone. Haven't wrote on here for ages. Well I can't say I've been gamble free like you.. I envy you for that. BUT... I have made progress. I have slipped a couple of times but they've been small slips. I'm nearly out of debt and am now able to live life instead of being sucked up by this antisocial disease. Point is.. When I slip I don't beat myself up but just tell myself off.. But clearly I am no where near in the same league as you.. I don't want to gamble. I hope one day I can talk myself out of an incredible urge. I've avoided even reading posts from here. My email alerts me at least 5 times a day and I delete them all.. Kinda so I don't have to be reminded of how horrible I felt a year ago. But I decided to look at your post just out of curiosity as I know we were both in the same place a year ago. It's good to hear how well you've done.. I'm glad I looked. It's woke me up to the reality of how closely I need to keep an eye on myself.


Best wishes

Butchugly aka paula


Good to hear from you Paula. It has been a long year for me. Full of many tests that I'm glad I can say I passed. I've tried to convince myself that a little slip up here and there won't be a problem. I used to tell myself off too. I've sat on the floor and punched myself in the face I was so cross with myself. But I'll always forgive myself. That's the problem. I'll forgive myself and allow myself the opportunity to make mistakes all over again. I know now that after a year I can safely say, if I ever slip up, that will be the end of my posting on here. This journal. This tally of days. It's the only thing keeping me on my mission to be quite honest. I've come so far, I've amassed so many days, if I blew it all now I really dread to think where I'll end up. I'm scared to death of the thought of starting again from zero. I'm not sure if I'd be able to do it again without something majorly bad happening first.

I really appreciate having this canvas to express myself on. I came on here today to say hi to Paula and say thanks for the words. But once my thumb gets going, my feeling just seem to pour out. I've no doubt managed to spill a few things I wasn't even sure I really felt until now. It just goes to re-emphasise the fact that I personally need to stay strong and not give in to temptation. What works for some cannot always work for others. Paula, I'm so glad you're in a better place and I wish you all the luck I can in your continuing fight. You don't need gambling. I don't need gambling. Stay strong. Goodnight everyone.


Had a little trip last week. My mum was 60 in December. As it was too cold at the time, she decided we'd celebrate another time. So we went to Poland for a few days. Not sure why Poland. I guess she's running out of places in the world to go. That sounded like I was taking a big shit on Poland. That's not the case, it was very nice. 40mil shots of flavoured vodka for about 70p being a particular highlight. We visited Auschwitz while we were over there. Talk about putting your world into perspective. Some of the things that happened there made me wonder how I've managed to sulk my way through my tiny insignificant problems. Anyway, it was three nights away from work with my family and I enjoyed it.

Back home though and back to reality. I'm getting fed up at work again. It's pretty samey working here and sometimes I just get a bit sick of it. It comes and goes. I think I get a bit sick being number two to a boss that's not overly interested in the job. I'm sticking it out in the hope that one day I'll have control of the place. I stayed back with the heavy gambler the other night. Let him play the machine after hours. After what he put in the machine he came away with a profit of £570. I was pretty surprised to be honest. He's a regular big loser. He gave me £70 of it for letting him stay after hours. I spent it on a new tattoo the day after. I got the Japanese symbol for 'family' tattood onto my wrist. Maybe if I ever get close to slipping and putting money in a gambling machine I'll see the tattoo and think about my family before I do anything stupid.

The other day I was watching the Jeremy Kyle show (don't ask why, it's absolute drivel) Anyway, there was a compulsive gambler on thee telling his missus he's lost thousands behind her back. My partner told me she can't understand how people can gamble money away like that. I tried to reason that it's an addiction but she was adamant that it's down to the person to just stop doing it. She had zero sympathy. This is why I can never tell her the truth...


Great post Adam, keep doing what you are doing my friend, this addiction destroys lives and ends up killing people, keep posting and sharing, stay strong and keep your life heading in the right direction, with regards to your partners take on gambling it is very tough for anyone to really understand what a compulsive gambler goes through (don't get me wrong I am not looking for pity for the compulsive gambler) I am a compulsive gambler and I am a total **** at times.......however I can also be a nice bloke, what I am saying (and have always said) "no one understands a compulsive gambler like a compulsive gambler"


Keep fighting my friend as we both well know gambling will only ever lead us to one place (the same place we have been time and time again) you know as well as me it never gets any better.


Great share mate and a pleasure to read your thread, wish you all the very best, take care and speak soon.


Maverick


quick comment... One thing I learned in recovery is that it is next to impossible to rely on loved ones, spouses, or family when it comes to understanding this Addiction, or any other for that matter. That is why sites like this, GA meetings, therapy make all the difference. When we can relate and learn from those in similar circumstances we advance in recovery. We see our mistakes and can find solutions too.

Family makes it difficult getting past guilt, duty and responsibility. FG


Nice post female g, wish you and Adam all the very best.


Maverick


I'm at work. I heard a crash. I felt a sharp pain. It hurts. I'm bleeding. I'm worried. Quick, grab a towel. Make it stop...

Have I captured you in yet? Literally minutes ago, a kind gentleman collected all the glasses in for me and put them on the bar. One of them fell over and shattered, shooting a piece off into my knuckle. It bled a tiny bit and hurt even less. But it sounded good at the start didn't it. It gets pretty boring here so I was just trying to make it a bit more lively. I am in pain though. That bit was true. I've got another infection in my gum round my wisdom teeth. Just another in the long list I've had. Not sure why they call them wisdom teeth. If they had anything about them they'd of realised by now if they let tiny bits of food behind them, there's gonna be problems. Dunno if it's me stressing about the infection of something in the infection itself, but I get lots on nice little ulcers on my tongue to go with it. Oh the joy!

Other than having a nightmare in my mouth, I've got back into keeping fish. I've got a big tank set up already which I've made cold water and am currently growing some Koi. The idea was there, but unfortunately I got a shy batch. Out of the 8 I bought, I've seen the head of 1. I couldn't see enough to determine if it were still attached to a body, but I'm hopeful. I've also set up a big Biorb which was gathering dust in the shed. I've decked it all out and fixed it up to support tropical fish. It's cost me a fair bit but I'm hoping everything is in place now to maintain some healthy living. It's not for everyone, but I find it pretty relaxing watching them on my break from work when I have my tea.

Been ticking over in my mind a bit recently. The new bandit at work has paid out three £500 jackpots in five weeks. If it were as frequent as that when I used to play it, maybe I wouldn't of got as carried away. It's pretty annoying seeing people win. Even now I still get that horrible feeling in my stomach when I have to pay out money to people that have won on the bandits at work. I still have that silent hatred for them as if they've just stolen from me. Again, I'm not sure that feelings like this will ever truely go away. I saw an advert for a betting site online. I never bet on sports, but Leicester are so sure to win the league title now, I contemplated what would happen if I put every penny I had on them to win. It wouldn't be a massive cash back, but it would be something. There's three games left and all they need to do is win one of them. Knowing my luck they'd probably blow it. Let's say I hypothetically just put that bet on. Sorry Leicester. We'll see in a few weeks if I'd of just lost everything all over again.

Hypothetical's aside, I'm still plodding on. One year and nine weeks tomorrow. **quick side update. I just went to tap and vent a barrel of real ale. It's currently on my face, arm and chest. The night gets better.** So yea, I'm staying strong. I'm resisting the constant pressure of working night under a bandits nose. Everything is, in the best part, going ok at the moment. Savings could be a bit better, but I've been having to shell out recently. Not as much chance to save. It's getting there slowly but surely. I just need my mother to get off my back about getting my own house for a bit longer... Two years longer would be nice!


Feeling pretty sorry for myself at the moment. Not had a great few days. I'll set the scene. To save time (and get a few extra minutes kip) I've taken to sorting the cellar out at work on a Saturday night. Because it's quiet at the start and there's three staff on, I disappear into the cellar and get all on Sunday mornings jobs done. Pretty much includes throwing all the empty barrels outside and rolling new ones into place. This Saturday just gone was no different, except that I was off Sunday since I had a ticket to go watch Liverpool. As I was throwing the barrels out the hatch, which is a good 4 foot lift, I felt a horrible shot go up my spine. It hurt initially but I finished chucking the rest out. Between the last barrel thrown and the walk back upstairs I was done! My back had totally gone. Not only could I now not walk without being in pain, I still had 3 hours to work. I managed to get some heat patches sand pain killers and battled through. Unfortunately the next morning I was totally unable to go to the football. Not through want of trying. I really tried! But some of my highlights of that morning were - 10 minutes to get out of bed. 15 minutes to put a sock on. 10 minutes to put on the other sock. 15 minutes to get downstairs to answer the door to let my mother in (fortunately carrying strong pain killers). I gave up in the end and spent the last two days in bed. Back at work now though. Bad decision I'm aware but I don't like missing work. I've managed to graduate to something of a hunched shuffle, but I'm getting about. Got a long day tomorrow. 9am start for a bowling trip. Break at 6 till 8. Then finish at 12. Not looking forward to that one.

Anyway, that's my status update. Still gamble free, just pissed off at my poor spinal structure. Take it easy everyone!


Hey Adam, just dropping by to let you know that your recovery story is quite incredible and you should be proud of your progress so far. I also started having my major gambling issues around the same time you posted this thread, and I've been following your diary for a while now (just lurking).


I'm similar age to you and also lost a similar amount in savings in the past. I'm very impressed at how you've managed to stay clean for so long immediately after a big loss. It has taken me multiple relapses (4-5, although the most recent ones have been more minor thankfully) to finally get to where I am today where I feel moderately confident in my ability to stay clean.


Keep up the gambling free days and I'm hoping you'll soon have enough savings to get that down payment for the house. You've earned it.


'Sounds like a nasty injury to your back, Adam. Hope you're taking it easy. You only have one back!

Like you , I had a big "clear out" last year. I think the shock gives us the incentive to restore our loss. What we lose in dribs and drabs doesn't seem to hit us as hard as a "sudden shock".

Like you, I'm hell bent on restoring that Fund.

It means no gambling , which is great.

Keep up the good work. You are an inspiration!


Hi Adam, well done on your gamble free time. Be careful with your back. One thing that recovery allows us to do is to pay more attention with our health, whether that's going to the doctors, check ups at dentists or whatever. I've had various problems with my back in the past and have visited a private osteopath to get it sorted out. £40 or £50 has always saved me a lot of pain, speeded up any recovery (again reducing pain) and stopping me losing time for work which pretty well made it pay for itself. Might be worth while investing some of the money stopping gambling has saved you. If it then turns out to be a bigger problem then that's the time to go to your DR and go on a waiting list.


Keep posting.


Thanks for your words guys. I'm proud of my days so far. But it's not like I just started gambling and then immediately decided to stop. I've been through all manner of relapses over the past near 20 years. The difference I guess is the amount I lost. I know people are different and I've said it myself before that I needed it. I needed to lose that money. I honestly believe that I had to blow every penny of my savings to truely teach me a lesson. If I'd blown everything but a grand, then I'd of he a grand and a belief I could carry on. No money, no belief, no way back. Only forward, and that's what I've done. I'm not saying that everyone needs to go out and blow everything to teach themselves a lesson, I'm just going off my own personal feeling. Whenever I think about gambling I only have to think back to that lowest point when I didn't have two pennies to rub together and not a pot to piss in. It's a lesson learned and one that I'm continuing to pay for. But that constant need to pay for my past bank account crimes is what keeps me going. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but at 9 grand from zero in about 15 months is a pretty good start. I'd be much happier if I could continue at that rate without hassle, but constant pressure to get my own house sorted out is always chipping away at me. If only I could explain why I need more time. But I'm too much of a coward. It doesn't help that money has been going out much more too. I bought my girlfriend a ps4 last night for £300. My rent goes out tomorrow, £250. Then all my bills go out this week too. So that's like two or three weeks wages. Not much chance for saving. I'm starting to sound like I'm complaining now, so I'll move on. I know that as long as I carry on working and not gambling, my savings will take care of themselves.

In other news, it's been about 3 weeks since I did my back. It's much better now, but it's still seizing up every time I sit down. Liverpool lost their first major European final in 11 years. I watched it at work when I really didn't want to. I don't like interacting with people when it's an important game. So after the final whistle I managed to have a blazing row with three deaf blokes. It's easier than it sounds. As long as you can stick up your middle finger than do a five knuckle shuffle, you can string together a perfect sentence. Not my finest moment I know, but like I said, I didn't want to watch it at work, my dad asked me to go. I'm hoping to get away for a bit soon. I've got a week off coming up in July so hopefully some nice weather will save itself for me.

Bye for now guys. Keep it real.