You are certainly not alone! Your story brings tears to my eyes as it resonates with me a lot. I too have lost both my parents and am only a few years older than you. I’ve also suffered other things in life which I always thought made me a stronger person, but maybe I’m not as strong as I think I am.
I don’t know how many times I’ve said “today is the last day” only to find a way to gamble sometimes the next day! This addiction is really a tough one to beat. I am a pretty smart person, I know I shouldn’t do this yet there I am depositing funds I don’t have and pressing the spin button like it’s nothing.
After a bit of a hiatus on this site, tonight is my first time back. Your story was the first on the list and it is truly a reminder we are not alone. I can’t tell you my exact figures and I don’t think the numbers matter that much but I know it was more than I had to lose.
I wish you well in your recovery and I hope for the both of us that we are strong enough to beat this thing and be honest with ourselves that this WILL be the last time we have to tell ourselves we will stop.

Good that you have taken that first step – but have you read around the forum posts to see what else you need to do. I was a bit alarmed to read, “I have $4K to spend on slots waiting for that one spin that will make everything right; but actually doesn’t exist.”
You need to block or ban yourself from all places where you can gamble and to lose your access to finance if you can; minimise it if you can’t. Perhaps your brother could handle your finances for you until you feel strong enough to take them back? Get as much support as you can and take as much part in things here and other sites as possible. I wish you well.

Yep I would say I am at rock bottom but as I’ve learned from my past is that every rock bottom has a trap door – meaning even when we think we are at our bottom there is always room to f*ck up even more.

Believe me, you have done yourself a huge favour by excluding from these sites. Over a year ago I lost £14k in one session (no more than half an hour) Had I self excluded from other sites and registered with Gamban and GamStop soon after, I would have saved myself from losing  thousands more.

stop now. the chase will only lead to more losses and continuing gambling will only make you bleed financially until that debt you have becomes unmanageable 

you have done extremely well to ban yourself from sites and make arrangements to clear your debts.

give yourself time. You will feel amazing in a few months time if you stick to working hard on your recovery

Good job with the exclusions and debt arrangements! It’s not easy, that’s for sure so you’ve taken a really good step!
nThe sadness you feel, I get that. When I first stopped I got soooo mad! I was furious. I didn’t want to gamble and couldn’t understand why I felt that way until someone pointed out that I was in withdrawals! Yep! That was exactly it. Your sadness could be a lot of things…grief…it’s a loss, pure and simple. Regret….something that does us no favours, dwelling on what we have lost isn’t healthy, and it’s hard not to do it. But that money is never coming back and you need to accept it. The win will never be big enough…ever. We are addicted and the money is the means. Let it go and start over. I’m not sure how old you are but you come across as fairly young with your whole life in front of you. Grab it with both hands. The longer you don’t gamble the less you will think about it and your life will fill with other things, normal things.
nYou can have a happy life, you really can. It takes work, and life is not going to be all sunny post gambling, life is just that, life, and stuff happens to everyone. But gambling will not be fogging your mind, you will be able to think, this addiction consumes our every waking moment (and yep even In Our dreams sometimes) But you can manage this addiction. Do the work and you will be amazed. Take care, Kathryn x